The Never-ending Story Thread [Archive] - Page 4

Gebohq

06-12-2001, 08:01 PM

(NSP: Seeing how we have another person interested in writing *The Last True Evil* and a re-tur-nee from ye olden times *Losien*, I think it's time to do what Sem suggested--a history. *clears throat* And now...)

The Neverending Story Thread has momentarily stopped in it's normal posting to bring you this special edition look, back in time. The Neverending Story Thread, Coca-Cola, and the makers of Duct-tape, B.U.M.P., and mysterious swirls/plot holes, proudly present:

*Cue in title theme music to 2001: A Space Oddyseey*

The HISTORY of the Neverending Story Thread! Our host: Dr. Geb

*In the inky blackness of non-descript settings, a spotlight lights up to reveal Geb (who conviniently has a doctorates to bump his status and ego), formally dressed, in front of a podium. He begins to speak.*

"In the beginning, there was NeS. NeS made God, and said it was good--"

audience member: Hey, what 'cha trying to pull on us here? And you're not Dr. Geb at all!

"Er...." *tries to sound more emotional* "Of course I am! How could you say such a thing!"

audience member: Because it's obviously you're Ares' clone!

"Well your mother was a--"

Due to technical difficulties, the writers have sacked the speaker of tonight's edition of NeS. They sincerely apologize, and hope the continetial breakfast that includes donuts and cookies that is being sent to you will make up for any emotional damages made by Ares' clone's monotone voice. We now continue with our special edition, with the real Dr. Geb.

"Well, it is very difficult to trace The Neverending Story to it's original and ancient routes, but it is believed that before the times of the Interactive Story Board, there was a small thread called "Nostrodomous...scary stuff", started by a man that went by the name GA Farrent. He talked about how back in the summer of 1999, there was news that a verified comet's path could very well cross that of Earth's, and bring about the end of the world as we know it.

Well, soon enough, Massassians, such as lightside, Snyderman, and Gebohq came to the rescue to volunteer to go in their spaceships and head for the comet to see if they could stop it. They soon found that ther was an amusement park, and worse, that the whole comet was sent by Grand Admiral Thrawn to threaten the Earth to surrender under the Empire or be destroyed. The plot soon involved a large number of people, became large and confusing, and most importantly, took up much space in the Discussion forums. That is when the administrators decided to make a forum especially for long and pointless stories like ours.

Not before making it's new home in the Interactive Story Baord though was the Neverending Story Thread conquored by Ares, God of war. Ares decided that he had to use his powers to bring order to the mad plot and challange all bad writers to fight him in The Arena tm! Challangers like Gebohq and Galvatron dared to fight the god of war, though were never sucessful at defeating him. Ares went on to challange Rob X, however, and finding that he grew bored of fighting, slipped out of the fights and became the owner of all that is related to the Neverending Story Thread.

Others entered The Arena tm in hopes of fighting themselves, such as Arbiter, Twin Suns, Antestarr, and Semievil. Then there were some who dropped by for their own reasons, such as Miss Fire, bug, Ping_Me, Space_Orca, Enchilada Man, Morris the Cat, theOtter, Maybechild, and Losien. Many fights occured: Geb vs. Rob X, Geb vs. Arbiter, Antestarr vs. Miss Fire, Semievil vs. Geb, and all against the dark forces such as the Darkside."

(NSP: I didn't get NEARLY done with it, so if anybody who's read the entireity of the story wants to continue it (even if only a little bit), be my guest. If not, I'll continue on, and hopefully, I'll do outtakes! Until then, hope you like this stuff http://forums.massassi.net/html/smile.gif If not funny, at least informative I hope.)

~Geb

Janitor Bob

06-12-2001, 08:49 PM

Heckler: What about Ernie and his rubber duckies... and... and Godzilla versus the Jolly Green Giant.

Dr. Geb: Quiet. I'm getting to that part! Eventually, some writers decided that the Arena battles were too formulaic for their expanding creative energies. So inevitably, some of the writers works started to evolve into something that resembled a primative form of 'plot'. These writers were immediately beaten to death with Large Pointy Sticks.

*Dr. Geb clicks to the next slide of the powerpoint- which shows the mandatory 'Screen Bean with a lightbulb over his head' clip art that is required to be in all powerpoint presentations.*

Dr. Geb: Gradually, the characters migrated away from the arena, although sometimes returning there to spawn-
to spawn new and violent action scenes that is. Ares, the God of war, retired and can sometimes still be spotted by observant tourists cruising around in his viper to this day. As the writers grew up the Arena became a less important focal point as they felt a deep primordial urging. An urging that must eventually biologically overtake all writers in their later stages of life. Yes, an urge to play Chickenbone.

*The Powerpoint slideshow changes to another slide. This slide has a large yellow happyface on it. Bulletpoints come in by letter, with an annoying *wooshing* sound.*

Dr. Geb: But it would take the writers many pages to finally find their ultimate purpose in life. This 'In between' time was called the 'Dark Ages', named for the constant black pits of plot hole that so often threatened life as they knew it. Even their visit to a 'Theme Park' was fraught with danger. For more on this dangerous period stay tuned, right after this.

*A commercial comes on advertising Duct Tape*
Salesman: Do you have trouble with broken tools, doors, automobiles, computers, limbs, persons, places or things,ideas, quality or feelings... well, we can fix that...*

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May the Windex be with you
-Janitor Jack (Salk Wars)

[This message has been edited by Janitor Bob (edited June 13, 2001).]

The Last True Evil

06-13-2001, 04:56 AM

*The Last True Evil is slumped over his lecture seat, sound asleep, with a sign taped to his head entitled 'I am wide awake and paying strict attention'*

Dr. Geb: So then we travelled to Dimension X and battled Rob X's evil clone, Rob Y, not to be confused by Rob X's biological great uncle of the same name-

TLTE: *LOUD snoring*

Dr. Geb: *Ahem* But to cut a long story short, what's happening RIGHT NOW IS-

(hint hint..) :P

Janitor Bob

06-14-2001, 07:12 AM

*Bob the Writer, who is genuinely interested in this history lecture, since he is no 'expert' on the NES thread himself, wakes up L.T. Evil. Then he passes him a note. After unfolding the oragami-like folding of the note, L.T. Evil reads it. It says: Or you could just read the last two pages...

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May the Windex be with you
-Janitor Jack (Salk Wars)

Semievil333

06-14-2001, 04:21 PM

STW spots the note and tells Dr.G, who makes JBTW read it outloud to the rest of the sleeping class. Then STW goes back to pondering the horriffic implications of Last True Evil's writer abbriviation: TLTETW

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The early bird may get the worm-
but it's the second mouse who gets the cheeze.

Omnia quae specto dominavi, et tantam magnus sum, ut non specto!

Losien

06-14-2001, 10:11 PM

(NSP: Thanks for all that you guys have written to fill me in on what happened...even though I don't really remember any of that. LOL. I probably came after most of that stuff...but oh well. I think I'll read the last few pages..and maybe that'll help me. :-) Thanks. I'm not sure when I'll be posting. I don't really want everyone to know this...but to Gebohq in particular - whenever I'm about to get back into things I enjoy..."stuff" goes wrong...and today, everything that's "stuff" went wrong...everything possible. (well, except I didn't cut myself while shaving..but that doesn't matter) so..we'll see...hopefully it was just a bad day...and it doesn't continue. *kneels and prays* I'm trying! Thanks again)

Janitor Bob

06-15-2001, 07:57 PM

Dr. Geb: ...and so with the addition of Losien two important new elements were introduced to the thread (1) romance and (2) cheese and crackers. With these two...

*Suddenly, the bell rings and all the audience rushes out to their next period, forgetting to pick up their trash and expended Orange Soda Cans*

Dr. Geb: Be sure to come back next week for part two...

*Meanwhile, Randy is still hanging onto the Speeding UGO ambulance from a Mothers Against Drunk Driving Ribbon*

(NSP: Meaning, that I like this history, but lets get back to the actual story. Maybe we can break up dull parts with the History of NES.)

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May the Windex be with you
-Janitor Jack (Salk Wars)

The Last True Evil

06-16-2001, 07:48 AM

TLTETW (ha-ha, longest abbreviation yet, thanks Sem), leaves class, wondering idly where the heck this story is going, and whether it's time for a new and exciting foe or plot twist to surface...

[This message has been edited by The Last True Evil (edited June 16, 2001).]

Janitor Bob

06-16-2001, 04:07 PM

NSP: Feel free to add a new villian, Last True Evil, but we have a lot of villians right now. They include:

In the Writers World:
Darkside
The UGO Corporation (working for Microsoft)
Microsoft
Bill Gates

In the Computer Gaming Realm:
Kamakazis
Zombies
The Spooky Taco (Head Villian)
General Gordita
Burrito Boy
Asparugus Troopers

(There are more, but just read the last two or so pages before making any major Plot twists. Or don't. The fun part about this story is that it is really hard to screw it up. Although I might have with my last In Story Post.)

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May the Windex be with you
-Janitor Jack (Salk Wars)

[This message has been edited by Janitor Bob (edited June 17, 2001).]

Semievil333

06-16-2001, 04:47 PM

Huh? wha? me add new villan? I'm not adding any new villans; where you get that idea?

------------------
The early bird may get the worm-
but it's the second mouse who gets the cheeze.

Omnia quae specto dominavi, et tantam magnus sum, ut non specto!

The Last True Evil

06-16-2001, 06:24 PM

He mistook you for me, Sem..

Janitor Bob

06-17-2001, 12:04 PM

NSP: Yeah, I just typed in the wrong name. I meant Last True Evil. (Maybe we should call him simply, LT Evil. That way it seems more like a name and less like a discription)

------------------
May the Windex be with you
-Janitor Jack (Salk Wars)

Krig the Viking

06-17-2001, 03:52 PM

*Deep inside the bowels of the Forbidden Fortress of Forbiddeness™, Our Heroes trudge wearily through the dark, slimy, polygonal halls. The Last True Evil and Gebohq walk at the head of the rather long line of misfit champions.*

Geb:"So, Mr. Last True Evil, what brings you to the Forbidden Fortress of Forbiddeness™?"

TLTE:"Um... I'm not sure. Isn't this Salk Middle School?"

Janitor Bob: (walking up from behind)"Yeah, that confused me, too. Y'see, this isn't actually Salk Middle School, it just looks nothing like it. That's where the confusion comes in."

*Suddenly, from behind a sign that says "McDonalds: We Love To See Your Money", thirteen Asparagus Troopers leap into the hallway, entirely blocking it. In appearance, they look like giant sprouts of asparagus, with arms and legs and SWAT gear. They menacingly close in on Our Heroes.*

Geb:"Dear God! What are those twisted monstrosities?!"

Janitor Bob:"Egad! Asparagus Troopers! I should have known!"

Geb:"Wait, aren't you from another dimension or something? How do you know what these are?"

*Janitor Bob's face squints into a grim, heroic expression, as if recalling some dark, horrific memory that haunts him to this day.*

Janitor Bob:"I have no idea."

*The Asparagus Troopers close in, striking cheesy martial arts moves as they do. One of them speaks in a frightening, asparagusy voice.*

Asparagus Trooper #1:"Surrender now, or face terrible punishment!"

*At once, the entire group of Our Heroes puts their hands in the air in a gesture of surrender. Asparagus Trooper #1 blinks confusedly, then turns to whisper to Asparagus Trooper #2.*

Asparagus Trooper #1:"We've never had anyone actually surrender before! What do we do?"

Asparagus Trooper #2:"Um... eat them?"

Asparagus Trooper #1:"Hey, now there's an idea! Just lemme check with the Boss..."

*Asparagus Trooper #1 steps off to the side and begins speaking into a walkie talkie.*

Asparagus Trooper #12 : (near the back of the group of Troopers)"Hey, what's the holdup up there? C'mon, it's not like we have nothing else to be doing! I've got a pie in the oven!"

Asparagus Trooper #2:"Hey, quiet back there! And keep your creepy pie addiction out of this!"

Asparagus Trooper #1: (putting his walkie talkie away) "Ok men, the Boss says we can eat them, now -- HEY, where'd they go?!"

*The area where our Heroes were is now empty... and cleaner, thanks to Janitor Bob.*

Asparagus Trooper #1:"Oh, man, we let them get away when we were arguing! Somebody's gonna lose their head for this!"

Where have Our Heroes dissapeared to? Did they run away? And who is this 'Last True Evil' fellow? Is he related to SemiEvil in any way? Exactly how many 'evils' can there be in one story? Which Asparagus Trooper will lose his head? Do Asparagus Troopers even have heads? What is the record for most questions in a single paragraph? All these questions and more possibly answered in the next incredibly complex installment of... The Never Ending Story...story...tory...ory...

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The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world that he wasn't real.

[This message has been edited by Krig_the_Viking (edited June 17, 2001).]

Janitor Bob

06-18-2001, 11:01 AM

*In the Computer Gaming Realm, the Asparugus troopers report back to the Spooky Taco*

Spooky Taco: Yes. This better be important.

Asparugus Trooper #1: S-sir... we seem to have... lost the Intruders.

Spooky Taco: There probably most likely where you left them. Now leave me alone.

Aspuragus Trooper #2: I'm afraid you don't understand, Herr Taco. The Intruders got away.

Spooky Taco *suddenly changing to a mob accent* : Ya have mashed potatoes for brains or somethin'? Which of youse fault is dat bit o' incompetence?

*The Aspuragus troopers quickly all point to a different vegatable. To decide which Asparagus to execute, the Spooky Taco does 'Eenie Meenie Mynie Moe'*

Spooky Taco *Suddenly changing back into his James Earl Jones accent*: You have failed me for the last time, Aspuragus Trooper #12!

Aspuragus Trooper #12: Please, lordvader, err... Herr Taco, please give me just one more chance to fail you...

Spooky Taco: General Gordita! Bring out... the Vegomatic!

Asparugus Trooper #12: NOOOO! Please. Can't you just give me a Lethal Injection instead?

*General Gordita pulls out a rusty old vegomatic. He flips the ON switch. The camera zooms in on the sharp clattering blades, covered in vegatable oil. General Gordita picks up Aspuragus Trooper #12, carries him over to the Vego-matic, gives him a mighty shove and...*

*The Camera, not wanting to make this movie 'R' rated only shows the closed door outside of the Spooky Taco Headquarters. A long bloodcurling scream is heard, followed by a quite gurgling. It would be really disgusting and tragic, if it wasn't an Aspuragus that was being executed. Or maybe I'm just desensitized*
------------

*Meanwhile, (NES usage count: Tangent of 90 degrees)in the Writers Realm, oblivious to the violent, action-packed Car chase outdoors, (mainly because this writer can't figure out anything to write about it) Bob, Geb, Maybe, and possibly Krig the Writers lounge around the Massassi Interactive Story Forum Office, waiting for Sem to come back and start editing again.*

*Suddenly (Nes usage count, 37 by Janitor Bob alone) the doorbell chimes. Maybe gets up from her bag of Corn Chips and answers it*

Maybe the Writer: Look, I'm not buying any more Girl Scout Cookies.

LT Evil the Writer: No, wait. I'm not selling cookies. I'm the new writer.

Maybe the Writer: Another one!

LT Evil the Writer: Yup. And my name has a really long abbreviation, too.

Bob the Writer: Ooh! Do I get to help haze this guy!

Geb the Writer: No. The hazing procedure is only for every seventh writer.

Bob the Writer: (grumble) ungrateful...

Will the new writer start developing any new plot devices or characters? Or will he simply fall into the murky slough of apathy that so has taken all the previous writers? Will the Digital Heroes ever be able to find and destroy the Spooky Taco. Or will the Spooky Taco and the Aspuragus Troopers continue to beat them with a succsession of mediocre senseless posts? Will Bob the Writer ever learn how to correctly spell Aspuragus? Will any writer ever get an idea on how top continue the Car Chase- action scene? Will the Writers ever run out of promotional slogans for the Never Ending Story? Probably.

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May the Windex be with you
-Janitor Jack (Salk Wars)

Losien

06-18-2001, 12:09 PM

Losien: Why is everything always my fault?
Ante: Well, I can't really say why...I don't know.
Losien: Geez...maybe we should go get a bite to eat or something.
Ante: We're busy though.
Losien: I know, but I'm really frustrated. The more frustrated I get, the more stupid mistakes I end up making.
Ante: So, what are you saying?
Losien: I'm hungry.
Ante: Well, I don't know any places close by that we can eat. We don't have a lot of time.
Losien: (pulls something out of her purse) I forgot I put these in here!
Ante: Cheese and Crackers?
Losien: Uh huh. Want some?
Ante: No thanks, I'll pass.
Losien: Suit yourself.

*Losien begins stuffing her face with cheese and crackers while Ante stares in disbelief. 22 minutes go by*

Ante: Any day now. We have work to do.
Losien: Oh yes..that's right. (Losien puts away her cheese and crackers and begins walking over to Ante and trips on her untied shoelaces falling into a machine, and accidentally pushing a button and the lights go out.)
Ante: Watch out for your shoelaces.
Losien: Thanks...you're only about a minute late on warning me.
Ante: Now we're stuck in the dark again, thanks to you.
Los: Everything's always my fault.
(NSP:Wow...that was a really lame post...but it was still a post. I wasn't really sure what was going on in the story...so what I wrote might of not even made any sense...so...it would be perfectly fine with me if anyone wanted to delete it. So..yeah...feel free too.)

FantomJedi

06-18-2001, 12:37 PM

Then a giant neutron bomb blows everyone up and there are no survivors. The end.

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You Can't Kill What You Can't See
-Beware of the FantomJedi

Phantom_Master

06-18-2001, 02:52 PM

(OOC: Sorry for not posting! Please forgiveth me.)

*Phantom drops down from the ceiling onto a lone, unsuspecting Asparagus Trooper. He begins to skin him, trying to make sure the audience dosen't see the carnage that has befallen the poor asparagus trooper. When Phantom is done skinning he dons the empty carcass of the trooper. He runs up and joins all the other asparagus troopers and falls into their marching formation.

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I am the Shadow...
The Jedi's Saber (http://blake.prohosting.com/~jedsaber)

[This message has been edited by Phantom_Master (edited June 18, 2001).]

Gebohq

06-18-2001, 05:24 PM

(NSP: Hehe, Losien is back, and her usual self as well. Honestly, haven't we all gone over how it's nearly impossible to ruin NES? Save, those random idtios putting one-sentence posts up thinking they can end it. I'm thinking Morris the cat's gonna get a meal soon, eh Sem?

On the topic of the Spooky Taco thread, who thinks I should notify Massassi that their thread delibrately broke their rules by posting the pic they did on page 18? Course, could they do the same to us, I wonder...)

In the Gaming realm, our Heroes relentlessly search for the elusive Spooky Taco.

The hereos stand idle, looking around and back where they had just walked.

Ahem! I saiid "our Heroes RELENTLESSLY searched for the Spooky Taco"--

Otter: Hey, stop getting on our backs! We're tired!

Geb: And besides, we seemed to have losted Phantom_Master. Who saw him last?

Los: I think I remember seeing him when we were almost captured by those Asparagus Troopers last...

Sem: He probably tried to do something smart again, like following the henchmen to their boss. It's nice to have someone who has the guts to do the dirty work for us.

Cooked: I say he's a lunatic. Which isn't saying much, since you're all LUNATICS!

Ante: You're still wishing you took the red pill back to the real world, eh?
---------------------------------------
Meanwhile (Elsewhere: meanwhile, meanwhile, meanwhile, it's always "meanwhile". What the hell does that mean anyways? I demand that--)Look, will ya give me a break? It just sounds good. As I was saying...Meanwhile, in the writer's realm, CookedHaggis and Semievil continue to pursue the UGO van with Randy still hanging on for dear life to the car antennae. The car chase now also seems to be taking place in the middle of San Fransisco.

The audience now sees the famous Lombard Street from the top of it, looking down at it. The UGO van could be seen flying over the many windy turns, guns firing from the sides, before landing at the street at hte bottom and continuing out of sight. Then a large black mass is seen flying over the same famous street, reminisant of the Star Destroyer in Star Wars: A New Hope. The front car lands at the end of Lombard Street way before the rest of the car finishes flying over it.*

Sem: It's like a rollarcoaster! Weee!

Cooked: We should just be grateful that our rival ahead hasn't made any turns.

Just then, the UGO van takes a sharp left turn, going up a steep street.

Sem: Spoke too soon?

Cooked: Not at all. Chauffer, begin teh seperation!

Reminesant of the Enterprise in Star Trek: The Next Generation (notice how so many things are "reminesant" in NeS?), the majority of the large limo disengages, leaving Semievil and CookedHaggis in a very sleekish black sports-car look-a-like.

Cooked: Thank you, chauffer. I'll take it from here.

Before the chauffer could object, CookedHaggis crawls to the front seat, opens the driver-side door, pushes the chauffer out, and closes it, getting himself situating himself in the seat and grabbing the wheel before nearly smashing the car into the side of a building.

Sem, now trying to recover from his near heart attack and his experience with a tunnel of light, tries to speak to Cooked.

Sem: How are--*gasp* we ever going to get *wheeze* them now? The UGO van is on the highway above us!

Cooked: Easy! There's a conveniently placed ramp right to the side. Make sure you're seat belt is on.

Sem: Uh...is there any real need to rush?
------------------------------------------
On the UGO van, Randy starts to strike up a conversation with Phil the driver.

Randy: Soo...how's your day been?

Phil: It sucked.

Randy: Oh. Uhh...So how 'bout dem O's?

Phil: They suck.

Randy: Er...would you mind stopping?

Randy couldn't make out what Phil was grumbling though, seeing how traffic noise had nearly drowned out what they had said before.
--------------------------------------------
In the Massassi Offices...

TLTETW: So, "Semievil" right? What's that? *pointing to the computer with teh game that our Heroes are in*

MTW: It's a game that our characters are in right now. And our job depends on keeping them alive right now.

TLTETW: Uhh...wouldn't it help to give them a map?

STW and GTW at the same time: Map?

Will Sem and Cooked catch up to the UGO van and save Randy and the world from what evil plots are about to come about from UGO/Microsoft? Can Antestarr and Losien the writers find out if Sem and Cooked don't? Will Mase and Otter the writers find out the secret plots the Evil Pirates have for the NeS Thread? can Sem, Geb and the other writers back at the Massassi Offices save our heroes? Will--

Geb the hero: Hey! What about us?

Uh...guess the "actual" NeS seems to have lost it's interest. My advice to you all is to get some results and get to face the Spooky Taco and on with a new part, if any, of the game Sem the writer made for you all.

Sem the hero: "Get some results" the narrator says. "Face the spooky taco" the narrator says...*grumble*

All, right here, at this thread: The Neverending Story kind!

(NSP: OK, all the writer's jobs *besides write, go figure* is to let Losien know she ISN'T a bad writer, and that she CAN'T write a "lame" post. You get more points for making her blush with embarressment, hehehehe. And doesn't the tagent of 90 zero, Bob? Oh wait, maybe that was suppose to be the point of the joke... http://forums.massassi.net/html/smile.gif)

~Geb

Janitor Bob

06-18-2001, 08:14 PM

*A new writer comes to the door. His name his FantomJedi. Unfortunately, for him, Bob is tired of all the other new writers gettting all the attention. So immeadiately, he tosses Fantom out the window. Fantom plummets down and lands on the hard concrete sidewalk below, impaled by a fire hydrant. Bob tosses a large computer mainframe after him, just to be sure he's dead. Bob then crosses out all of Fantoms posts. Hopefully Bob can calm down before some other Smart-Alec tries to ruin HIS story too quickly...*

Bob the Writer: We don't like yer one post story killas, ya hear.

NSP: No, the tangent of 90 is Infinity, I'm pretty sure. I'd have to check, though and can't take the time while I'm out on Summer Vacation. Or just don't want to. Anyway, I have a cool post idea in mind for the Spooky Taco realm, and the realm with Losien and Ante (I'm not giving up on the Spooky Taco realm yet...) I was kinda hoping for the climax in that realm to materialize right when the Spooky Taco catches up to this thread. Oh, well, I'll speed it up.
I like your post Phantom_Master. It brings me out of my writers block.

Oh, and Losien, since you didn't say Losien and Ante the Writer, we'll assume that it was Ante in the computer game. Also, that was a good post Losien, even if you say you were trying your hardest not to make it good. The post gave me an idea.

I'll post tommorrow around 12:00, Pacific Standard Time. Feel free to post in the Writers Office or with the Pirates, since I won't be touching those. Thanks, Peace Out.

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May the Windex be with you
-Janitor Jack (Salk Wars)

Krig the Viking

06-18-2001, 09:02 PM

*In Are's office, Evil Pirate #2 stands gloatingly over Masetto the Writer and theOtter the Writer. An evil chuckle crosses his lips.*

Otter the Writer:"What now?"

Evil Pirate #2:"Oh, I was just pondering the many ways in which I could end your pathetic little lives..."

Mase the Writer:"Come ON man, hurry up with the killing! We don't have all day!"

Evil Pirate #2:"Alright, but before you die--"

Otter the Writer:"Here we go..."

Evil Pirate #2:"--I'm going to tell you a secret! I'm not actually Evil Pirate #2! I am, in fact..."

*Evil Pirate #2 reaches to pull off yet another rubber mask...*

Mase the Writer:"Oh, gawd, not again!"

Evil Pirate #2:"...UGO Employee #5! Hahaha! This entire 'Evil Pirate' scheme is merely another UGO plot to destroy Massassi! Hahahahahaaa! HaHAAAAAAhahahahahaHAAAAAAAAA!"

Otter the Writer:"Ok, you all finished now, with the masks and such? Good. Masetto, my good man, would you care to assist me in beating the snot out of whoever this is?"

Masetto the Writer:"Indeed I would! Would you like to have the first punch?"

Otter the Writer:"Oh, no, you go first. I insist!"

Masetto the Writer:"You insist?"

Otter the Writer:"Indeed I do!"

Masetto the Writer:"Well, in that case!"

*Masetto leaps up and does several Matrix-style kick-type moves in slow motion bullet time, knocking the UGO employee (already bewildered by Mase and Otter's conversation) onto his hindquarters. The camera switches to the massive wood paneled doors outside of Are's office, where various punching, cracking, snapping, crashing, and flushing noises can be heard emanating from within.*

*Switch back to the interior. The UGO Pirate, or whoever he may be, dangles from a ceiling fan, tied up in the phone cord from Are's desk, his mouth duct taped. In the background, the office can be seen to be completely destroyed. Several framed photos of Dodge Vipers lay on the floor, smashed.*

UGO Pirate:"Mmmf-mm-mmmmFFF!"

Mase the Writer:"What's that, sir?"

Otter the Writer:"I do believe he's saying it's rather hot in this office!"

UGO Pirate:"Mmf?"

Mase the Writer:"What's that? The fan? Oh yes, what a delightful idea! Turning on the ceiling fan will cool us right down, won't it?"

UGO Pirate: (shaking head)"MMMMMMFFFF!!"

Otter the Writer:"Pardon? Oh, you say the fan switch is over on that wall? Why thank you, kind sir!"

UGO Pirate:"MMF MFF MFFF!!"

*Otter the Writer strolls over to the nearby wall and flips a switch. Slowly, the ceiling fan begins to rotate, taking the UGO Pirate with them.*

Otter the Writer: (wiping hands clean)"I do believe we're finished here! Shall we go?"

Mase the Writer:"Indoubitably, my good man, indoubtitably!"

*Just then, outside of the building, the distinctive rumble of a Dodge Viper pulling into a parking garage can be heard.*

Mase the Writer:"Hm. How much you wanna bet that's the real Ares?"

Otter the Writer:"Yeah. And how much you wanna bet he's gonna be pissed when he sees his office?"

*Cue panoramic shot of destroyed office, and UGO Pirate slowly picking up speed. At a strategically funny moment, a piece of ceiling falls to the floor.*

Whatever shall befall our Writers when the great Ares returns to his office? Have we seen the end of the UGO Pirates, or was the one impersonating Evil Pirate #2, impersonating Evil Pirate #1, impersonating Ares, merely the head of an incredibly complex and deeply rooted system of UGO pirates that have infiltrated the NES thread? Sit back with an ice cold, refreshing Coca-cola product and find out!

------------------
The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world that he wasn't real.

Krig the Viking

06-18-2001, 09:12 PM

(NSP: BTW, what's the record for longest thread ever? How many pages was that big one on General Discussion, with everybody trying to get the last post?)

------------------
The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world that he wasn't real.

Janitor Bob

06-19-2001, 12:24 PM

*The Asparugus Troopers march through the halls of the Forbidden Dungeon of the Forbideness. The leading asparugus, fittingly named Asparagus Trooper #1, spots something on the floor. He immediately picks it ups and sniffs it. How he does this I have no idea, for most Asparagus’s lack nostrils*

Asparagus Trooper #1: Cheese and Cracker Crumbs... fresh. The infidels must be close…

Asparagus Trooper #13: But that’s where your mistaken, chap. That’s just what they WANT you to think.

Asparagus Trooper #1: What do you mean? And why do you have a British accent?
------------
*Meanwhile, our heroes cower in a small completely enclosed room. Only a paper-thin holographic wall protects them from being spotted by those stalwart Asparagus’s. Above them, in yellow text, floats the words ‘Secret Area Found!’. Losien stares in horror as Asparagus Trooper #1 sniffs her Cheese and Crackers and starts trying to find them.*

Losien: Oh, this is all my… *oomph*

*Ante’s hand clamps around Losien’s mouth.*

Ante *whispering*: Quiet. This is no time for futile exercises in self-pity.

Sem: By the way, Ante, is that Singularity thingamabob done charging yet.

Ante: No… still a couple more hours… or is it days…?
--------
Asparagus Trooper # 2: Sshh. I though I heard something!
-------
*Our heroes are horrified as Asparagus Trooper #2 steps toward their secret hiding place*
------
Losien *moaning*: Oh, I knew Taco Shells from genetically engineered corn would lead to this…
------
*Suddenly, Asparagus Trooper # 13 grabs Asparagus Trooper #2 and shakes him*

Asparagus Trooper #13: Don’t zou understand! Evry minute zhat zou vaste here iz a minute vhere zee infidels get closer and closer to zee Spooky Taco.

Asparagus Trooper #1: See. Now your accent is German or French or something of the sort… Pretty odd considering that Asparagus Trooper # 13 is actually mute.

Asparagus Trooper #13: ‘….’

Asparagus Trooper #1: You know, you’re a little short for an Asparagus.

Asparagus Trooper #13/Phantom_Asparugus *In lawyer accent: Really. Most interesting. Because if you feel that’s the case then I have no choice but to file a 435 Stature-Based Harassment claim against you!

Asparagus Trooper:#1: Your coming with me, Pal. Your going to have a little face to shell talk with the Spooky Taco himself!

Phantom Asparagus: *gulp*
--------
*Our heroes all give audible sighs of relief as the Asparagus Trooper march away, taking Phantom Asparagus with them.

Geb: Whew! That was a close when. Good thing Phantom was so willing to sacrificially do something stupid to get himself captured.

Bob: Hey, that's not that impressive. I can do that.

Geb: Hmm… Anyway’s. I’m tired of blindingly running down featureless halls with repetitive texturing. Lets kill this Taco and get it over with.

Ante: We don’t even know where to find him!

Maybe: Or ‘it’.

LT Evil: Well, why don’t we just use the map.

*All the heroes give him funny looks*

Geb: Uh… the map?

LT Evil: Of Course. All you have to do is say simply: TAB.

*Suddenly, a holographic 2d display of thousands of green lines appears before our heroes.*

Ante: Either this is the map of the fortress or the architectural schematics of Boeing 747.

Janitor Bob: Uh... so where is the Spooky Taco located?

Losien: Well, according to what I've read the Taco is located in the Bowels of the Fortress. But the question is, where are they?

LT Evil: Oh, this is easy. The Taco is located right... here. But to get there you have to pass thousands of Kamikazes, Zombies, Aspuragus, swing over moats filled with blood thirsty piranas on regular Dental Floss, dodge flaming rocks spewing out from the numerous pits of molten lava, pass the Three Trials...

Geb: Right. I think this our cue to cry out to the editors again...
-----
*Meanwhi... er... as that event was happening, another event was happening at the same time which was: the Writers at the Massassi Office were dunking coffee in donuts while discussing important philosophical issues*

Krig the Writer: This yucky coffee.

Bob the Writer: Tastes like Comet.

Geb the Writer: You know, we really need to get some results and get to face the Spooky Taco and on with a new part.

Bob the Writer: But we need to find someone who can edit. And Sem's out on one of those violent action packed car chases, instead of staying here and doing his job.

LT Evil the Writer: I can edit.

Bob the Writer: Really?

LT Evil the Writer: Sure. I've completed several TCs but never sent them in because I couldn't figure out the submission instructions.

*Lt Evil pushes Geb of the computer chair and starts looking over the editing job*

Lt Evil: Hmm... sloppy texturing, poor framerate, bad voice acting...
------
*A few minutes later, suddenly the heroes feel their very bodies disentegrate and disappear off of the face of existence.*

*Seconds later, they feel their molucular structure reconstruct, but in an entirely different place. Wondering where they are, the heroes look around and see a sign that says: The Room Above Where the Spooky Taco is*
-----
LT Evil the Writer: Ah, good old cut and paste...
-----
*Meanwhile, in the Microsoft/UGO building Losien and Ante the Writers crawl through a conveniantly placed Ventilation Shaft. Only a solitarily candle gives them light. They had stolen that candle from the Rituals and Demonicsacrifice, making the pentagram merely a Quadragram*

*They finally reach the end of the shaft, and perch directly over the golden, tennis court sized desk of Bill Gates. Gates turns a Globe of the world around in his hands diabolically. A television monitor shows a newscaster... uh... newscasting*

Newscaster: ... and the Nintendo Game Cube has been delayed yet another month. We now go to Hank Cromwell, public relations for the Midwest U.S.

Hank: Well, darn it, dem voodoo spirits are acting up again. It's voodoo I tell you, nothing less den voodoo! We have all our Top Exorcist techniciations working on it at all hours of the day.

Gates: Heh heh heh HEH HA HA HA HA!!!

Losien: You know. I don't think I like this guy very much.
-----
*The UGO ambulance continues to speed illegally, with the mini-limo in hot pursuit*

Randy: PHIL!

Phil: I don't care.

Randy: No. PHIL! This is important! You're...
*Traffic drowns out the rest of his words.*

Phil: WHAT!

Randy the Writer: You're... driving in the wrong...
*Traffic drowns him out some more*

Phil: Look. You don't tell me how to drive, I don't tell you how to write. Okay.

Randy the Writer: YOU'RE IN THE WRONG LANE!

*Phil looks past Randy, to see a large 18 wheeler (incidentally with the Coca Cola symbol on it), heading straight towards them*

*Phil steer the car, barely, onto the shoulder of the road, as the Semi brushes past them, taking off the rearview mirror, several coats of paint, and a cup holder*

*The Semi now fills the view of the Mini-limo. They both honk loudly, as it looks like it would be a head on collision. Instinctively, Haggis pushes a large button. The Cigarrette Lighter turns on. Cursing, Haggis hits another large button, less instinctively. The limo shoots up, on a magnetic cushion. The Semi passes beneath it*

Sem: This thing can hover, too!?

Haggis: Of course! What did you think.

Sem: This thing seems to have everything but accurate workable ICBM missle defense system!

Haggis: It has one of those, too, but it's in the part we left behind.
----
*As Phil hits a large speedbump at 112 miles an hour, his head impacts on the CB radio.*

Phil: Of course! The CB radio!

*Taking the CB radio in one hand, and driving with the other, he sends a message to the UGO/Microsoft Headquarters.*

Phil: Control 4? This is 13379. Requesting Assistance immeadiately.

Control 4: Roger!

Phil: My name's Phil.

Control 4: Okay, Phil!
------
*Seconds later, a squadron of TIE fighter, last seen several pages ago, lift off their landing platform at UGO and streak towards the Car Chase.

Will the GameCube ever recover from it's evil Voodoo Curse? Or has Losien doomed her chance to play Rouge Leader, forever? Can the Good Guys defeat the Evil Spooky Taco? Will the Car Chase ever end? If so where? Why? Who? How? How Much? Do you want Fries with that? All this and more answered next time on... take a wild guess.

------------------
May the Windex be with you
-Janitor Jack (Salk Wars)

Phantom_Master

06-19-2001, 02:37 PM

*As Phantom_Asparagus is dragged toward Spooky Taco's main chamber, he suddenly feels a teleporting sensation as the other heroes appear in front of him. He bursts out of the asparagus skin, and pulls out a Asparagus Commando Knife that Asparagus #13 had. He goes behind the other Asparagus Trooper and slits his throat, or where his throat would be.*

Phantom: (In Han Solo accent) Guys, follow me, and act like I captured you."

*With that he skins the other Asparagus carcass and puts it on and leads the other heroes into Spooky Taco's main chamber...

------------------
I am the Shadow...
The Jedi's Saber (http://blake.prohosting.com/~jedsaber)

Losien

06-19-2001, 03:36 PM

Ante: Shh..he'll hear you if you talk too loudly.

Losien http://forums.massassi.net/html/frown.gifsarcastically) No really? I thought he'd have more of a chance hearing me if I whispered.

Newscaster: We are sorry for the interruption of the news, but we now have a special newsbreaking story...we will return to the news in just a minute. It has been heard that there has been a recall of ALL varieties of cheese from ALL places you can buy cheese. There seems to have been some kind of, well, we're not really sure what, but it's in the cheese. Please, return all cheese you have in your possession and we will give you a gift certificate for chocolate. It's the closest thing we have to cheese, and the second best tasting ingredient you can use as a substitute for cheese on pizza. And now, we end this newsbreaking story, and bring you back to the news.

Gates: Cheese whiz...what is this world coming to?

Losien: Oh my gosh Ante. What am I going to do? I just had cheese and crackers.

Ante: (shrugs his shoulder) Eh.

Losien: Did you hear me?

Ante: What did you say? I couldn't hear you.

Losien: Augghh. You make me so made sometimes. Do you realize what could happen to me? I ate cheese..and

Ante: So, you'll gain some weight..who cares?

Losien: There just isn't any way I can have a conversation with you.

Newscaster: And now...here's Tod Ayitsgon
Narain with the daily weather report.

Tod: Thanks. Well, today, there's a chance of rain, so I suggest you all get outside if you have the opportunity. It's a beautiful day. These days don't come around that often, so take advantage of it while you can. That's all for today.

Newscaster: Thanks Tod Ayitsgon Narain.

Gates: (looks out the window) It's raining, it's pouring the old man is snoring. Went to bed and..umm..geez I forget the rest.

(Losien starts chuckling softly. A piece of cheese drops out from her purse and drops on Gate golden tennis court sized desk. He looks at it.)

Losien: Oh no. Ante..what are we going to do?We have to get out of here before he sees us.

Ante: Geez Los, take a chill pill. What's gotten into you?

Losien: I, I don't know what you're talking about...but if we don't go somewhere quick, he'll find us.

Ante: Blah blah blah, you're always in such a hurry.

Losien: Suit yourself. I'm going. I don't know where, but I'll know when I get there...and if anything happens to you, it'll be your fault.

(Losien starts to crawl through the very contained space and sees a light at the end.)

Losien: I can't believe he isn't coming with me. I'll probably get lost, or abducted by some type of huge creature.

(The walls around her start to creak)

Losien: This place doesn't seem very sturdy.

(Losien looks ahead, and notices that she hasn't been going anywhere...and that she's been crawling in place for the last 25 minutes)

Losien: This is ridiculous. Where's Ante?

(Losien turns around to find that she's blocked off in this "tunnel" but herself)

Losien: This is great. I'm stuck. I have no idea where Ante is...and I'm probably going to die from cheese poisoning. It's not my fault there weren't any close by places to eat, and I had to turn to the cheese. Who would've ever thought that cheese could cause such a problem.

(Geez, I'm such a lame poster. Once again, if I ruined anyones plans for what would happen w/ Losien and Ante...and I'm sorry and feel free to delete my post if you can...or to tell me to delete it, and I will. ;-) Till then...I'm sorry for those of you that have to read my pathetic post)

Krig the Viking

06-20-2001, 08:41 PM

(NSP: I have compiled a fairly up to date picture of the entire cast of the Neverending Story, here (http://vikingvoyage.homestead.com/files/NES_Heroes.jpg). The Heroes, that is, the entire cast would be way, way, way to big to put in one picture.

This is just a rough sketch, I intend to colourize the picture after I receive confirmation that the characters look as they should. In that light, I would like all of our illustrious writers to examine the pic and comment on any differences between what I've drawn and what they picture in their mind.

You may notice that Last True Evil is not included in the picture. That is because I have no idea what his character looks like. If he were to provide a description of his character, I may be able to fit him into the portrait http://forums.massassi.net/html/smile.gif .)

------------------
The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world that he wasn't real.

Phantom_Master

06-21-2001, 03:59 AM

(OOC:Looks good, but I'm more of an Ethan Hunt type than a Bond type.)

*Phantom_Asparagus led in all the game heroes into Spooky Taco's throne room.*

Phantom_Asparagus: (In Asparagus Trooper accent) "Your lordlyship, I have captured the intruders. They killed all of my fellow troopers, but I was able to capture them single-sproutedly."

Will Phantom hand over all the heroes to Spooky Taco? Tune in next time for the continuation of the Neverending Story!!

------------------
I am the Shadow...
The Jedi's Saber (http://blake.prohosting.com/~jedsaber)

Janitor Bob

06-21-2001, 07:13 AM

Bah! Krig, my server can't run Homestead. Can you E-mail me the pic, at kwalters@spocom.com ? Also, I have a couple pics of Janitor Bob that I'll E-mail you.

I'm working on a Spooky Taco Picture, also.

------------------
May the Windex be with you
-Janitor Jack (Salk Wars)

[This message has been edited by Janitor Bob (edited June 21, 2001).]

Losien

06-21-2001, 09:52 AM

(NSP: Krig...I really like the pictures...they're great. :-) I like how you did me..lol...I never really pictured what "Losien" looked like...so, maybe that's one problem I've had with trying post. But..well..yeah, I just wanted to say it looks great. What color hair do I have? :-) I think it should be Auburn..but that's up to you. You're the creator. PS. Do you give drawing classes?)

Janitor Bob

06-21-2001, 03:58 PM

(ooc: Nice picture Krig. Although Sem needs to have some ducttape on him)

*In the Dimension o' the writers, in the Massassi Office, the writer continue to do just about anything but write*

Krig the writer: Krig draw picture of people.

Maybe the writer: Oh, that's nice. Very Impressionistic. This must be Losien... and there's Bob, and that's you, Krig...

Krig the Writer: No. That not picture. That paper Krig scratch to make pen work.

*Then Krig pulls out a large canvased painting with a sculpted frame. It is obviously in the style of Michelangelo, but with lots more clothing. It portays each and every hero in lifelike painstakingly good detail, each person making the portrait of Mona Lisa, look like Janitor Bob's cat drawings when he was in third grade*

Maybe the Writer: Wow. I didn't know that they taught drawing at Viking School.

Krig the Writer: Yes. School teach Drawing. And Economic Statistics.

LT evil the Writer: Can you keep it quiet. I'm trying to watch the final cutscene of the Forbidden Fortress level.
---------

*Our heroes, bound by Handcuffs, finally meet the Spooky Taco face to face. The circular stone lair is lit only by tiki torches. Stainglass windows, portraying the Spooky Taco killing various foodstuffs, are placed crookedly on the walls.

*The Taco is flanked by several Hulking Pepper Guards. Burrito Boy and General Gordita look on as the Spooky Taco starts to activate the Vegomatic*

Ante: Don't worry Losien, this is the part where Phantom reveals himself and saves us all.

Phantom_Aspuragus: I'd advise that we hurry the execution, so the infidels do not have time to escape.

Bob: Okay, Phantom, that's great acting, but it's a little overboard. You can save us now.

*Phantom ignores them as General Gordita starts to move the whirring Vegomatic towards our Heroes to slice them, dice them, and make them into Chop Suey.*

Losien: Ante, call me paranoid, but there is something wrong with Phantom.

Masseto: Exactly! He's not talking in a strange accent.

Maybe: I knew it. All that Cellulose in the Aspuragus Costume has gone to his head.

Geb:So, he's not all there?

Ante: Mentally Disturbed.

Bob: He's a few 'posts short of a two page thread'.

Losien: Were gunna die.

Bob: Hey. I just realized something. These aren't REAL handcuffs. These are those plastic handcuffs that you can easilly get for $3.95 at K-mart!

*Realizing this, our heroes flick their wrists and snap the handcuffs off. They roll out of the way, just a the Vegomatic chops past where they were standing.

*Janitor Bob takes out his pushbroom. Krig takes out his axe. Cooked Haggis takes out a very large cloth napkin.*

*Burrito Boy, General Gordita, and Phantom Aspuragas draw out their Zucchini Sabers with a hissing sound*

*The Pepper Guards fire upon our heroes, with Potato Guns. Missing, they hit the ceiling causing a cascade of stones to disloge. They hit the Vegomatic, shattering it like a Crock-pot getting run over by a Tokyo Bullet Train.*

*Ante, his Singularity Gun finally charged, fires it.*

*The singularity shoots out, warps space and time and...*

Maybe: You idiot! You missed the Taco!

Ante: That's okay. I was actually aiming for that big mosquito. If one of those bites you, you'll be itching for days.

Maybe: Well, did you hit it.

Ante: Nope. They're way to fast.

*Pushbroom and Axe clashes against Zucchini Saber and... the scene changes
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
*In the Microsoft/UGO secret Bunker Headqaurters, Antestarr the writer watches helplessly as the Losien's Cheese bounces on Gates' desk, possibly infringing the copyright of Mission Impossible.*
*Gates looks up from rubbing his hands together evilly, and sees the cheese. Being the smart perceptive programmer that he is, Gates immeadiately makes a brilliant deduction*

Gates: Wait a minute. This cheese wasn't here before. And teleportation hasn't been invented yet... so that must have come from that ventalation shaft.

*Ante breaths a curse, which is so vile that it can't be put down on a 'family' thread without replacing a lot of letters with astericks. He turns to try to find Losien, but finds her gone*

Gates: I don't appreciate my employees wasting MY time crawling around in MY ventalation shafts. Good thing that I had the foresight to put these Ventalation system controls on my desk.

*Gates' hand moves past the buttons labeled, 'Nuclear Holocaust' and 'Initiate Global Warming' and hits the 'Ventalation System Shutdown Button'*

*Ante starts to crawl away. Suddenly two large steel portcullis's slam down, trapping Ante. Ante cries out, partly because he knows that he might be trapped for eternity in a small oxygen deprived, foodless, shaft and partly because one of the portcullis's slammed down on one of his fingers...*

------
*On Interstate 1337, the Violent, Action-packed Car chase continues. The UGAmbulance is now only one mile away from the Secret Microsoft/UGO Bunker Headquarters (The big skyscraper with the gigantic letters: UGO on it.) 1 'click' away, a squadron of UGO TIE fighters swarms towards the chase, swerving around buildings, ducking under power lines, and colliding with the occasional Stop sign*

Ominous Pilot #1: We are approaching the target. At least I think. I can't see anything through this blasted Black helmet.

Ominous Pilot #2: Well, don't feel bad. I still don't have any hands.

Ominous Pilot #1: Ah! There they are. Or is that my Control Stick, I can't really tell. Stupid Helmet.

Ominous Pilot #3: But, to compensate for the view-inhibiting helmets, our fighters have no shields, lousy weapons, no hyperdrive, and we have no training!

*One of the TIEs explodes simply due to air resistance.*

Ominous Pilot #3: Oh. Looks like once again it's up to me to destroy everything. (grumble)... ungrateful...

*Ominous Pilot #3 begins his strafing run, green lasers firing out onto the highway, molten asphalt exploding where they hit, costing the city and the good taxpayers thousands of dollars in maitanence costs. He adjustes his aiming reticle and... another writer decides to continue the story.*

Our Heroes? Or the Spooky Taco? Who will triumph in this spiritual Battle of Good and Evil? Has Phantom been converted to the Evil Side forever? Or will a nice stay at a comfortable hospital with snug, tight, jackets fix him? Will Ante get out of the Ventilation shaft? Will the TIEs destroy our fun-loving writers? The answers to all these questions and more is of course: Maybe.

May the Windex be with you
-Janitor Jack (Salk Wars)

[This message has been edited by Janitor Bob (edited June 22, 2001).]

Phantom_Master

06-22-2001, 02:40 PM

*Phantom_Asparagus started to slash at the video-game heroes, much to their horror.*

Spooky Taco: (In secret agent accent) "Dont worry guys!"

*With that the Spooky Taco takes off his lettuce, and reveals his true form, Phantom_Master! Phantom_Asparagus takes off the Asparagus skin and its really the Spooky Taco.

Phantom: (in Australian accent) G'day mates!Blimey, that taco costume is a pain to get into in a split-second."

------------------
I am the Shadow...
The Jedi's Saber (http://blake.prohosting.com/~jedsaber)

Krig the Viking

06-22-2001, 04:07 PM

(OOC: Thankya to everyone who commented on my humble illustration of our illustrious NES heroes. I shall commence the corrections indicated, and begin work on colourizing the picture. Stay tuned for further developments.)

(PS: The only reason I don't give drawing classes, Losien, is that I've never been asked to do so. Am I to take your last post as an indication that you have an interest in obtaining such instruction from my humble personage? http://forums.massassi.net/html/smile.gif )

*The UGAmbulance closes in on the Secret Microsoft/UGO Bunker Headquarters Skyscraper, speeding past several cop cars. The cops cars' sirens light up, and Phil the UGO employee finds himself being pursued by the Law.*

Phil:"Dagnabit!"

*Above, the single remaining TIE screams in, piloted by the intimidating Ominus Pilot #3. He unleashes a hailstorm of fury, green laser fire causing the ground on all sides of the UGAmbulance to explode into flame, but never once hitting the ambulance itself (for plot reasons that should be obvious to the average reader, who knows that Main Characters and Writers of Main Characters cannot die). A close blast from the TIE causes Randy the Writer to slip off of the antenna, and fall. Just before he hits the pavement that is whipping by below, he miraculously graps ahold of the rear bumper of the UGAmbulance.*

Randy the Writer:"owowowow, that hurt...*

*Randy the Writer slowly begins pulling himself under the ambulance, towards the front. The Indiana Jones theme music begins playing in the background. After several minutes of intense, adrenaline pumping climbing, Randy the Writer climbs up onto the grill of the UGAmbulance.*

Phil:"Get off the grill, you fool, you're blocking my view!"

Randy the Writer:"What?"

Phil:"I said get off the front of my ambulance, you half witted nincompoop!"

Randy the Writer:"Heehee, you said poop..."

*Just then, the Secret Microsoft/UGO Bunker Headquarters Skyscraper looms in front of the UGAmbulance. Phil slams on the brakes, but unfortunately, Randy the Writer's crawling around underneath the ambulance has dislodged the brake line, rendering the brakes useless!*

Randy the Writer:"This is gonna hurt a bit."

*The UGAmbulance smashes into the Secret Microsoft/UGO Bunker Headquarters Skyscraper, Randy the Writer end first. The ambulance was going so fast, however, that it does not stop at the first wall, but continues on, smashing through several more walls.*

*Camera switches to Bill Gates' office. Having taken care of the disturbance in the ventilation ducts, Mr. Gates is quietly typing on his computer, plotting world dominion. Suddenly, the wall behind him smashes into a million pieces, and the Randy the Writer flies into the room, followed closely by the UGAmbulance! The UGAmbulance plows into Mr. Gates's chair, pushing Mr. Gates along in front of the vehicle as it continues to smash through several more walls and exits the building on the other side.*

*Randy the Writer looks over at his new companion on the grill of the ambulance.*

Randy the Writer:"Hello, Mr. Gates! Fancy meeting you here!"

What will happen to our Winsome Writers? Will they triumph over adversity? Will the UGAmbulance ever stop? Or will it continue on forever, like this thread? Stay tuned!

------------------
The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world that he wasn't real.

Janitor Bob

06-23-2001, 10:45 AM

*In the UGO/Microsoft Headquarters Losien crawls, Auburn hair bobbing http://forums.massassi.net/html/wink.gif ,lost through acres and acres of a Ventilation Shaft Labyrinth.*

Losien the writer: Let’s see… moss always grows on the right side of a ventilation grate… no that’s not it…. Hmm. The Sun always sets to the north so that must mean…

*Despite Losien’s attempt to orient herself, she finally escapes, plunging down a Ventilation Shaft and into a completely enclosed room. A solitary Roman-Greeco Pillar rises up in the center. On the pillar are mounds of Official Looking Documents™ Losien doesn’t hesitate and starts thumbing through them, being extremely careful to avoid paper cuts*

Losien the writer: Hmm… let’s see… employee dossiers… financial reports electric bills … letter from Gates’ Grandma… ooh! Ed Macmahon says that Bill Gates could win a million dollars… shopping list… the old Computer Gaming World magazine that says the ‘OBI-WAN’ is being canceled for the PC and developed for the X-Box… Hey, what’s this!

*Losien the writer opens a very suspicious looking Manila Folder and skims them*

Losien the writer: Hmm... Nuclear Weapons... Bribing of Governmental Officials... Hiring Libyan Terrorists... a series of explosive charges controlled by a set of satellites in Geosynchronous orbit... Acquisition of Cuba... the Shiva Virus... Suncrusher... the Diminuator… the Ultimate Insult… Internet Banner Ads... Seizure inducing Pokemons... Strategic Tactical Feng-Shui...

*Finally, Losien looks at the Cover page. In big, ominous, stamped red letters it says…*

Losien the Writer: Joint Microsoft/UGO Evil Secret Plan O’ World Domination Hmm… sounds interesting. I’ll bet the guys back at the Massassi Office would like this. I think I’ll just borrow this for a little bit

*Losien the writer carefully picks up the manila folder, replacing it with another folder full of Losien’s receipts for her income taxes to insure that no alarms go off*
---------------

*Mase and Otter the Writer look around Ares office. Broken shattered family heirlooms lay scattered about the floor, his oak desk is on it’s side, a scale Dodge Viper model is stuck halfway through a stain glassed window… all in all, it looks like a volcano exploded in there. All of this wouldn’t be that bad except for the fact that the owner of the Office, Ares, was walking through the door at that moment. To make matters worse Ares just happened to be ‘The God of War’*

Mase the Writer: So… what should we do Otter…

Otter the Writer: Uh… hide?

*But it was too late, Ares walks in, and his face slowly scans the room, his mouth popping opened and closed like a fish with the sight…*

Ares: How many times have I told you guys not to play Full Contact Football in my office?

Otter the Writer: Err…

Ares: I leave my office for just 10 minutes to give my Viper a new paint job and I thought that I could trust you. Well it looks like I was wrong!

Masseto the Writer: But… but it wasn’t us. You see it was actually an evil pirate disguised as you, but it wasn’t actually evil pirate #1, it was actually evil pirate #2! But that was a trick to, because all that tine it was actually UGO employee #5! Ha Ha! Those UGO people sure are tricky. Well, we had to beat him up cuz…

Ares: Oh, sure! Like I’ve never heard that story before!
---------

*Just outside UGO/Microsoft Headquarters, Phil the Driver and his UGAmbulance careens towards a large cliff (with spikes at the bottom) Although Phil’s brakes have been disabled, his steering hasn’t. (yet). Spinning the steering wheel around, Phil heads back to his goal (The UGO Headquarters)*

*At the same time, Ominous Pilot #3 is angry that his target is still alive. Wanting more than anything to get another ‘frag’, and thus get promoted to the rank of Flight Officer Third Class, he continues firing at the UGAmbulance. The Super Heated green lasers pelt the hood of the Ambulance. Finally, they pierce through the armor of the ambulance and hit the Internal Combustion Engine. The Internal Combustion Engine Combusts, blowing up the Ambulance. Naturally, this doesn’t hurt our heroes and simply sends them flying through the air, where they land all Land on Gates large golden desk. Ominous Pilot #3 forgets to turn, and runs into the letter U on the Ugo building. The fighter explodes in a powerful CGI fireball, and the letter U, falls off. Phil dizzily gets off the desk, dazed, and wanders to the nearest Tavern to get a beer*

Gates: You nitwit! You scratched my desk!

Randy the Writer: Forgive me if I’m not… dripping with pity.

Gates: You scratched my desk…

*Suddenly the Mini-Limo crashes through the Office wall, into the room, and hits the large desk. The desk careens through the air, bounces twice, and rolls off the cliff (with spikes at the bottom). Sem and Cooked Haggis step out*

Sem: Ah, I should have known. So, Mr. Gates, you’re the villain behind all this, you duct tape waster, you!

Cooked Haggis: It’s time to pay up!

Gates: No, Waiter Boy, you’re not getting my money.

Cooked Haggis: I wasn’t talking to you. I’m talking to Randy… Let’s see with a 15% tip, the tip comes out to 150 dollars.

Randy the Writer: Now’s not the time, Cooked.

Gates: Look at what you losers have done to my office!

Randy: You know, back at Military school, we had ways of dealing with people like you. The nice thing is that it only required three things. Us, You, and a large Garbage Can.

Gates: You can’t do that to me, I’m powerful!

Sem: You’re going to feel a lot less powerful when I give you a wedgie with Duct Tape.

Gates: Things can’t get much worse.

*The ceiling above Gates crashes down, Ante coming plummeting through. Ante lands on Gates*

Ante: So you’re the guy who trapped me in the shaft. I’ve got a few words to have with you. Actually, I want you to have a few words with my fist
Gates: Oh, so that’s the game. Pick on the Geeky, rich guy!

Cooked Haggis: Sounds Fun! Can I join in!

Gates: Things can’t get much worse.

*Haggis notices that water is dripping out of one of the walls.*

Cooked: Uh, Mr. Gates. I think you have a plumbing problem.

Gates: Plumbing does not concern me, Waiter.

*The remaining wall, caves in due to the water pressure, (due to the flooding that Ante and Losien caused). The entire group is swept away in a gargantic tsunami wave*

------------------
May the Windex be with you
-Janitor Jack (Salk Wars)

Gebohq

06-23-2001, 03:37 PM

NSP: Great post Bob! It was a little long though--not that long is a bad thing, mind you. It's just that we have short attention spans. And if we ever want to keep ahead of the Spooky Taco thread (w/out reporting their violation of Massassi rules to the administrators that is), you should break up your posts to gain more ground. It also gives the others a chance to have fun with your posts in-between parts of your posts and holds truer to the NeS style (yes, I have myself been guilty of the ever-long post and yes, you're making us all look bad too http://forums.massassi.net/html/smile.gif Er, I mean, you'll tire yourself out...). So just think of that, and the plot's bound to go far.

Er...plot? *cue flushing sound*

~Geb

P.S. As for the rest of you whom I know aren't busy, start posting again already! *looks at Sem, Maybe, and Masetto, among others*

Janitor Bob

06-23-2001, 04:16 PM

NSP: Translation to Geb's above post: Quit it Bob! You're posting too much and too long and it's getting annoying http://forums.massassi.net/html/smile.gif

Yeah, sorry, Geb. I wanted to do a couple things, and didn't want the plot to advance too much so I couldn't do them.

You bring up some good points though. Another problem is that you get tired doing such long posts, and the writing quality deteriorates . Hmm. Maybe I'll just use the techinique used on page 9...

------------------
May the Windex be with you
-Janitor Jack (Salk Wars)

[This message has been edited by Janitor Bob (edited June 23, 2001).]

Janitor Bob

06-23-2001, 04:17 PM

*Bob dodges the swing of General Gordita's Zuchinni Saber*

------------------
May the Windex be with you
-Janitor Jack (Salk Wars)

Janitor Bob

06-23-2001, 04:18 PM

Bob parries.

------------------
May the Windex be with you
-Janitor Jack (Salk Wars)

Janitor Bob

06-23-2001, 04:18 PM

*General Gordita lunges*
------------------
May the Windex be with you
-Janitor Jack (Salk Wars)

[This message has been edited by Janitor Bob (edited June 23, 2001).]

Janitor Bob

06-23-2001, 04:20 PM

*Bob the Writer, helps the ongoing battle by making yet another super-short post, insuring that NES shall always reign supreme over the Spooky Taco Thread!*

(Okay, I've had my fun, I'm done with the one sentence posting now)

------------------
May the Windex be with you
-Janitor Jack (Salk Wars)

[This message has been edited by Janitor Bob (edited June 23, 2001).]

Gebohq

06-25-2001, 08:46 AM

NSP: Understandable, Bob http://forums.massassi.net/html/smile.gif Er...and uh...

DING!

TLTE: What the--

Geb: OH! My popcorn's done.

Gebohq walks over to a microwave nearby, pulls out a bag of popcorn, and takes a seat at some conviently-placed bleachers to watch the fight against the Spooky Taco. The Heroes all give him puzzled and fustrated looks before continuing the fight.

Will our heroes pull Geb back into the fight, or let him sit back as an audience member as he once was? ....Er...yeah. That, er...one question will be answered on The Neverending Story Thread!

~Geb

Semievil333

06-25-2001, 05:41 PM

RobX suddenly materializes, with the whole set of bleachers from the arena.

General Gordita: Haha! Fools! You will destroy us all, and then the other NeS villians will reign suppreme!

RobX and Geb: zzzzzZZZZZZzzzzzzZZZZZZzzzzzzz

Janitor Bob: When those extra bleachers unfold, it's gonna make some serious gibs.... and I'm NOT cleaning up this time!

Sem: Quick guys, turn on your no-clip cheats!

Otter: No! cheating is bad!

Spooky Taco: What about us!?!? We're non-players! We can't cheat!

Sem: We'll make a plot hole for you guys to escape later.

Otter, Geb and RobX fail to activate their cheats also, and by the glory of the on-the spot plot-hole, are teleported to the end cut-scene of Half-Life at the feet of a very surprized G-Man.

G-Man: Holy Snot! You guys made it without any hazard suits!?!? How did you get the long-jump module???

------------------
The early bird may get the worm-
but it's the second mouse who gets the cheeze.

Omnia quae specto dominavi, et tantam magnus sum, ut non specto!

[This message has been edited by Semievil333 (edited June 25, 2001).]

Janitor Bob

06-26-2001, 12:22 PM

*In the Bowels of the Forbidden Fortress of Forbideness, the bleachers unfold and start expanding outword. Aided by the no-clip cheat, the bleachers pass right through our heroes*

*Bob looks down at the large wooden board sticking through his ribcage*

Bob: This feels strange.

*The Spooky Taco, however, is not as lucky. The Bleachers press him/her/it helplessly against the stone wall, slowly turning the Spooky Taco into Taco Salad. One part of his shell breaks. Then another. Then...*
--------------

Bob the Writer: Looks like Plot Hole time!
--------------

*Suddenly, with a blinding flash of light, the our heroes, the Spooky Taco, and whoever else was touching the bleacher at that time, are transported to where the bleacher came from*

*They were in the CyberArena (tm). It was the same design as the Arena (tm), except with a lot more pixels, and with a lot less framerate*

*Because RobX is currently chatting with G-Man from Half-Life, another Announcer had to brought in. The Camera circles around our heroes and the Spooky Taco, with the Carbon Freezing Chamber song (1:55) from the Empire Strikes Back, blaring in the Background. Dramatically, the announcer begins to speak in a low foreboding voice...*

Rahn: The Spooky Taco. Though many shudder at the name, few have had the experience of facing him in Battle. Out of all the Mexican Foodstuffs I have met, the Spooky Taco is the one I can say... I fear. Powerful, he is Strong in both the carbohydrate and protien areas of nutrition. This combination... is deadly. For every quart of letucce and tomato sauce there is hatred. He is a mindless, senseless but powerful foe. It is this mindless drivel that keeps his aging body strong. If he finds you, he will crush you, grind you up into little bits, and blast...

Phantom (In Latvian Accent): Oh, shut up. You're so pessimistic. You're just trying to Intimidate us.

Sem: Phantom?

Phantom: Yeah?

Sem: Don't mess with the low voiced, blue translucent, ghost guy... k?

*Rahn, angered by Phantom's Outburst, causes the camera to pan around him*

Rahn: Phantom Master. Brash and Eager he is ready to prove himself at any cost...

Phantom (in an Ethnic Albanian accent): I mean look. The Taco's just sitting there like a Hutt with a stroke.

*Phantom, tired of all the talking, fires a single shot from his PP7 at the Spooky Taco.*

*A long red bar appears above the Spooky Taco, and smaller red bars appear above our heroes.*

Spooky Taco (deliriously): j00 Sux0rz!! PHEAR TEH RATH OF TEH sp00kay TACO!

*Suddenly the Taco grows twice his previous size, 7 large cannons now stick out of his sides. He floats up in the air, and starts firing swirling green orbs in all directions*

LT Evil: Uhh... but we can just use the 'invincible' cheat code right?

Sem: Nope. To get that cheat we had to have beaten the last level in under 3 minutes.

LT Evil: Oh.

Sem: We do have the option of 'Big Head mode' though.

*An orb fired from the Spooky Taco hits a section of Bleachers, blowing them up in a huge explosion, seats flying everywhere*

LT Evil: Let's just hope that we have multiple lives

*Will the heroes be able to defeat the Spooky Taco by themselves? Or will they have to use 'Big Head Mode' to do it? What has happened to the writers that were hit with the Tsunami? Was the this post too long? Or is it just that it's confusing? Will LT evil ever keep writing? Or did he just start to get his name in the story? All these questions will be answered eventually on... THE NEVERENDING STORY!!! (Barring any Plot Holes, of course)*

------------------
May the Windex be with you
-Janitor Jack (Salk Wars)

[This message has been edited by Janitor Bob (edited June 26, 2001).]

Gebohq

06-26-2001, 06:55 PM

(NSP: To asnswer Krig's question way-back, the longest thread had to do with a Massassi Skin pacth a bunch of people wanted to do. Everyoen and their motehr basically posted to ask if they could be in it as a skin to choose (myself included), and then later on it was used as a message board of sorts. It went up to 900 and some posts I believe before it (and the project) died. So, on wards with the story!)

Gebohq, Rob X, and Otter found themselves on a monorail car, which seemed to be sailing through the stars at a high speed. A man who seemed to resemble Agent Smith all too much stood in front of them, obviously perplexed. TheOtter was trying to understand what was going on as well, and Geb and Rob X probably would have, if they weren't still sleeping.

"Well," the G-man (government man/aka Agent Smith look-a-like) said, oozing with evil intentions, "you're not who I was expecting, but I suppose I should send you off as well."

The G-man clears his throat before pointing towards the door, which opened to reveal a portal.

"You can either join me and walk through the portal, or...fight a battle you could never win."

"Uh, huh", Otter said. "Like we haven't been in any of those before. Can you say you fought a god? Of war no less! And say you lived?"

"Uh, well..." the G-man trailed off.

"That's what I thought," Otter said. "Bring it on, scuz-bag."

"Very well," the G-man said, smiling evilly once again. And in the next instance, theOtter found himself surrounded by armies of nasty-bad guys, wishing he hadn't opened his big mouth.

The G-man then turned to Geb and Rob X, who werestill sleeping. After trying to kick them into consciousness several times, the G-man gave up. Fed with sending people to battles they could never win, the G-man simply rolled both over the car wall and out the windows, their bodies plummeting into the oh-so-familiar inky blackness.

Several moments later, Morris the cat materialized in the G-man's monorail car, and landed right on top of his head.

Morris: Missed him, again. What the--I don't like being on top of people's heads.

Morris leaped off the G-man's head, having dug his claws into his skull while leaping off.

G-man: Ow....

~Geb

(NSP: oops, I changed my writing style in the middle of this post, hehehe)

Gebohq

06-26-2001, 07:42 PM

In the writer's realm...

Geb: How'd Half-life get in your game there, Sem?

Sem: I hadn't thought of a good ending for the singleplayer option, so I just plugged that in.

Janitor Bob: The lot of good that does for three of our characters. How are we gonna help them?

Sem: Well first off, the Otter doesn't need saving. The nasty army of beefy aliens aren't programmed to do anything but stand idle, and most of them are just part of a big texture on a wall. As for Geb and Rob X, er...I'll just copy and paste 'em to the Cyberarena.

Maybe: Um, riiight. Up for a game of Uno, Mr. Last True Evil? This might be a while...

~Geb

Janitor Bob

06-27-2001, 11:15 AM

*In the Writers realm, LT evil the Writer, and Maybe the Writer play a viscious game of Full Contact UNO. The rest of the writers... uhh... do stuff*

LT Evil the Writer: HA! Reverse!

Maybe the Writer: So?

LT Evil the Writer: Bah. I hate playing two player UNO .

Geb the writer: I'm not sure if you should mess around with Geb's 3DO, Sem... Sem? Hey, Sem, you're back. Last I heard you, some other writers, and Bill Gates were carried away in a large Tsunami. How'd you get back?

Sem the Writer: Uh... Plot Ho...

Geb the Writer: No, that doesn't work. You're a writer, you make Plot Holes, you don't succumb to them.

Sem the Writer: Oh, yeah. Well, anyway, the Tsunami deposited all of us, conveniantely just outside the Massassi Forums Building.

Geb the Writer: What did you do with Gates?

Sem the Writer: I let him go. For two reasons. First: We still need a megalomaniac villian trying to wreak havok on us; it makes it more interesting. Second: If we killed Bill Gates, then nobody would know how to work the Windows operating system.

Geb the Writer: Ah. Where's everybody else?

Sem the Writer: Ante, Cooked, and Randy are downstairs getting cleaned up.

Geb the Writer: Where's Losien?

Sem the Writer: Uh... Losien...
------------

*In the rapidly collapsing UGO/Microsoft Building, Losien stands in the completely Enclosed room, as a river of water rushes past. She clutches the Plans for World Domination to her chest*

Losien: How come I'm always the one who has to be trapped in a collapsing building!

*A plaster peice the size of Krig breaks of from the ceiling and crashes next to her. Somehow... somehow... she just knew this was all her fault*

------------------
May the Windex be with you
-Janitor Jack (Salk Wars)

Gebohq

06-27-2001, 02:25 PM

NSP: Damn, I'm getting rusty or something. Thanks for covering me there, Bob. I'd take a breather from NeS if I knew someone besides you would keep it going until I got back. Course, me leaving NeS would be like cookies without milk. Er...or not. To quote an earlier line:

"The laziness is strong within him..."

~Geb

Gebohq

06-28-2001, 07:42 PM

In the CyberAnrena tm, our heroes face, once again, the Spooky Taco. Each of our heroes pull out their standard weapons: Ante with his Lightfoil, Sem with his staff and stein, Krig with his battle axe, Phantom with a PPK-like pistol, and Janitor Bob with his broomstick. If you haven't picked it up yet, women ARE weapons, hence, Maybechild and Losien stand as they are.

The Last True Evil, obviously at a loss, looked at CookedHaggis.

LT Evil: Hey, can ya spare me an extra weapon?

Cooked: Sorry chap. I'm still stuck with only my massively useless laser pistol. ASk Ante--I think he still has that singularity thing-a-ma-jig.

Spooky Taco: deh Sp00kay TACO liek pr0n! pHear meh!

Just then, the Spooky Taco revealed himself in his true idenity as a master hacker and a cheap Dark-side user by floating up in the air, raining multiple Force Destruction down upon the heroes.

Krig: Krig definately scared now. Krig wants to be yodafied now.

Sem: Me too Krig, me too.
--------------------------------------------
Meanwhile, Otter seems to be having a ball in the vast army of immobile alien grunts.

Otter: *after having knocked a grunt over to start a domino effect.* Teehee. If only I could show 'em to the guys. They msut be having fun with the Spooky taco. Makes me almost wish I was there. *starts to snicker*

------------------
~Geb

Phantom_Master

06-28-2001, 08:06 PM

*Phantom looks over to Cooked Haggis.*

Phantom: (In Scottish accent)" Hey you, ya filthy rotten scoundral! Hand over me special M16 from SS3 version 9.0 with unlimited ammo, before I stick a kilt on ya and give you a wedgie!"

*Phantom leaps over to where Cooked is standing to avoid the Spooky Taco's Destruction blasts.*

------------------
I am the Shadow...
The Jedi's Saber (http://blake.prohosting.com/~jedsaber)

Janitor Bob

06-29-2001, 09:13 AM

*In the Half-Life realm, G-man finds himself cornered by a very hungry Morris the Cat, in a suddenly very clastrophobic Subway car*

G-Man: Go ahead, little kitty! Attack me! Tear me into little itsy-bitty bite-sized shreds!

*Not wanting to be bossed around by a human, Morris ignores G-man and walks off to the corner.*

G-man: So those phsychology classes were worth it.

*Suddenly, the portal behind G-man shifts, and Otter comes through it.*

Otter: What am I supposed to do again?

G-man: Well, what do you think! There's one last puzzle, one last boss, one last final fight. Then it remains to see whether Good or Evil will triumph. Whether you will be victorius... or crushed, like the little insignificant bug you are.

Otter: You have a talent for the dramatic, you know that?

G-man: Thank you. That's why I was hired.

Otter: And thank you, for the advice. I was tempted to use the walkthrough.

G-Man: No. You don't want to do that. Sacrificing your moral code just to...

Otter: Yeah, yeah. But I never did get your name.

G-man: If I told you... I'd have to kill you.

Otter: Well, that would be pointless, wouldn't it. Cuz I just Quicksaved a couple of seconds ago.

G-man: Right. Well, since you are uninitiated, you'll just have to be satisfied with calling me... G-man.

Otter: Hey, yo, G-man, wassup. How da funk down in the ghetto?

G-man: No, G-man isn't slang. It stands for government man.

Otter: Oh, so you're a postal worker.

G-man: Not exactly... By the way, do you know anything about that Cat.

*G-man points to Morris, who is tossing a Head-Crab up and down like Catnip.*

Otter: Oh. That cat.

*Otter, feeling safer with the aliens, dives back in the portal. The sound startles Morris, and he turns around and hisses at G-man.*

G-man: Now... kitty... good kitty... want me to pet you?

*Morris lunges. G-man's scream can be heard all the way on Level 1.*
-------------------
*In the writers realm...*

Bob the Writer: Wahoo! Nes post #800!

*Will Otter survive the final battle? Will our heroes survive the Spooky Taco? Will Maybe the Writer survive her game of UNO? Will NES survive another 800 posts?
Can you tell that Janitor Bob the Writer hasn't ever played Half-life?
Despite this, see even more ignorant posts in the dark, on upcoming episodes of THE NEVERENDING STORY!*

------------------
May the Windex be with you
-Janitor Jack (Salk Wars)

Semievil333

06-29-2001, 12:51 PM

Whoo!!! The story can buy beer! errr... I mean.... right.

------------------
The early bird may get the worm-
but it's the second mouse who gets the cheeze.

Omnia quae specto dominavi, et tantam magnus sum, ut non specto!

Semievil333

06-30-2001, 07:35 PM

In the realm of the interactive storyboard....

NES: Whoot! I can buy beer!

ST: Oh yeah? Well... I can... uh... vote or something!

OWS(4 year old voice): What's beer?

NES: That sounds like a question for your parents little post.

OWS: What are parents?

But the question came too late, for NES was allready gone. A few dramatic minutes of driving to fast-paced music later, NES arrived at the liquor store, and bought 5 packs of beer. They were gone by the time NES got back. Kids, don't try that at home, or for that matter, anywhere.

NES: Hey, what's this in the glove compartment... page 3? or is that a 4? Ares clone? Repent? Sign from above? Bernard to the rescue? *gasp* they have to know!

With that, NES stands tall on top of it's heavily duct-taped car and begins it's long ministry to the people. At first, the crowd is small, probably because NES is too drunk to fulfil an entire sentence, but soon the crowd grows large enough to tip over the car to make it shut up. But there is one who takes the message to heart- the noble poster Gebohq.

Poster Geb: Follow The Pidgeon! Bow down before Bernard! It is the only way to be saved from the terrors of Morris, the Dark One!

And thus began Nestianity- the world's foremost religion today.

------------------
The early bird may get the worm-
but it's the second mouse who gets the cheeze.

Omnia quae specto dominavi, et tantam magnus sum, ut non specto!

Gebohq

06-30-2001, 09:10 PM

(NSP: Thanks Sem for doing the whole "NeS as a religion" bit that I fergot to do on page 20. For those who were slow to comprehend (such as myself), ST was the Spooky Taco thread, and OWS was one-worder story. Anywhos, I shall continue)

In a snifty cutscene, Poster Geb knocks on the door to the Massassi Offices, where the Neverending Story writers "work". The door opens slightly, as only Geb the writer's eye can be seen clearly through the crack.

GTW: Whaddayawant?

Poster Geb: I've come to tell you to save yourself now and follow the ways of--

GTW: I told you guys, we aren't interested! Now scat, you Jehovah witness you.

And Geb the writer promptly slams the door shut. A few moments later, Maybe the writer opens it again, with Poster Geb still standing there stupidfied.

MTW: Don't mind him, I set him straight. *speaking to GTW* You have better manners than that, don't you?

Shuddering in a defensive position in the corner of the room, Geb the writer nods his head.

MTW: Come in, come in. Tell me, what is your name?

Poster Geb: Gebohq.

GTW: Come again?

Poster Geb: Gebohq.

GTW: Gebohq?

Poster Geb: Gebohq.

GTW: Riiiight.

MTW: So what did you want to say now, er, Geb?

GTW: Nothing.

MTW: Not you! Him.

LT evil the writer: Hey Geb...

Both Gebs: Yes?

MTW: This is going to get real confusing. You *points to poster Geb* What did you want?

Poster Geb: I have come as a disciple of Nesianity to tell you all the glory of NeS and Benard the cyber-pigeon.

STW: Why does all that sound rather familiar?

Then, poster Geb went into a long monologue about the glories of NeS, his life, and his message. All the toehr writers soon gather around Poster Geb to listen to his message.

Poster Geb: ...so you see, that's why it is best for everyone. And when you join, money will be of no importance. It will be used to do things such as raising your chances to get into the afterlife.

GTW: Er...hate to break it to you, but we made up basically everything you told us. And we inherantly believe in most of it anyways, so there's no use in joining.

Cooked: And what's that? *points to somthing that looks like a lie detator*

Poster Geb: It absolves you of your sins.

P_MTW: How?

Poster Geb: Er...I can't tell you. Not until you give as much money as you can to the cause of Nesianity.

BTW: That looks a lot like Scientology. It even has the ARC triangle, escept you have here "Coke, No-Doz, and Coffee". This doesn't sound much like a new--

Poster Geb: It is the perfect, and most original might I add, religion!

ATW: Look, you're a nice guy and all, but I don't think any of us are interested. And besides, how can there be a guy who cliams to be the same thing as a story we write?

Poster Geb: Pagans! Heathans! All of you! You're all followers of the Dark one, Morris! You will all turn!

Randy the writer: Err...

But it was too late, as Poster Geb threw a gas can to the ground. Mere short moments later, all the writers in the room were passed out on the floor. Poster Geb then took the opportunity to waltz over to teh computer, where our hapless heroes were trapped inside a first-person shotter, and began to edit...
--------------------------------------------
In Ares' office, Mase and Otter the writers stand face-to-face with none other than the real Ares, god of war and C.E.O. of the Neverending Story and all its subsidiaries.

Ares: So...did you want something?

MTW: Wha?

Ares: You both are just standing there, like you're waiting for something. And it's kind of annoying me. So if you don't mind, I'd like to get back to what I was doing. Alone

MTW: Well now...--OOF! *As the Otter jabs him in the stomach*

OTW: So do you even want to know about the evil UGO pirates that--

Ares: I can take care of it. Now go back and write. Keep us a monopoly on the Interactive Story Board panel.

OTW: Yes then, er...sir.

MTW: *as tehy walk out of earshot of Ares* Man, that was cool. I wa ssure he'd seriously kill us or something.

OTW: Seriously kill us? Er, nevermind. Let's just get back to the others.

As the two left the building that Ares was in, to leave in their Office car (which happened to be a Dodge Spirit), they made a dent in Ares' Dodge Viper. Fearing for their own lives if Ares ever found out, they hit the gas pedal hard and drove as fast as they could, away from Ares.
---------------------------------------------
In the Gaming Realm, our heroes find themselves on the loosing side as they try in vain to fight the mighty Spooky Taco.

Sem: Where are the writers when we need them?

Phantom: (in French accent) And vhere es za Geb et Otter, Ei wonder?

As on cue, naturally, Geb and Rob X seem to fall from the sky. Gebohq ended up landing in the Crow's Nest, where Geb awoke from the shock of falling. Witnessing the battle outside the Nest's window, he began to try and devise a plan, being the natural leader-type he is.

Rob X ended up falling right on top of the Spooky Taco, and continued to sleep.

The Spooky Taco was temporarily distracted at having someone falling on top of it, and in that moment of distraction, theOtter entered into the CyberArena tm, with an army of alien grunts, now mobile, but armed with duct-tape. On theOtter's shoulder was perched Benard the cyber-pigeon.

The other heros couldn't help noticing that theOtter looked somehow possessed, with his eyes and hair glowing white. They also couldn't help wondering why they considered themselves heroes, seeing how in almost every situation they themselves were saving their own lives.

Otter: We shall smite the evil one who follows the ways of Morris, and Nesianity will reign!

Randy: Er...

Janitor Bob: I'm getting a funny feeling we don't want to know.

Will Geb devise a plan to stop the Spooky Taco, or will theOtter and his army be able to do the job? What does Poster Geb have in plan for our heroes? Are there other posters out there who are followers of Nesianity? Will Mase and Otter the writer be able to revive the other writers and claim their story back? Will Ares take his vengance on the writers if he ever finds out who damaged his car? Find out, on the Neverending Story, now available in an easy-to-learn, hard-to-master religion. http://forums.massassi.net/html/smile.gif

------------------
~Geb

[This message has been edited by Gebohq (edited June 30, 2001).]

Janitor Bob

07-02-2001, 10:45 AM

(Ooc: Wahoo! Does this mean that we can post this stuff on the Massassi Debates on religion now, then call people intolerant if they don't agree with us?)

*In the CyberArena (TM), the Spooky Taco d00d continues to blast hundreds of large orbs of Force Destruction at the heroes and the alien grunts, who are running around waving their arms up in the air like citizens, occasionally taking a futile shot at the Taco*

Otter: And the fire of hell DID descend upon the heathen masses!

*Geb, up in the Crows nest continues to try to think of a plan to save the day, that doesn't necessarily involve any action on his part. In the meantime he cheers the other heroes on.*

Geb: Give me an N!
Give me an E!
Give me an S!

*Rahn announces the ongoing battle with his typical dramatic pessimism. That is, until, theOtter pushes him aside and grabs the microphone*

Otter: But lo, the swarm of rubber duckies DID come down, and DID sweep the land like angry locusts...

Spooky Taco: w00t! TEH H@x0rz SI r0x0rz!

Janitor Bob: What language is he speaking?

Cooked: I have no Idea. It's not English that's for sure.

Phantom (In whiny kid voice): Come on, Mr. Waiter. Gimme my M-16. Come on!

Cooked: All in due time. First you must fill out the required paperwork.

Phantom: Awww.

Bob: I still can't figure out what language the Taco's speaking.

*Suddenly a green plated protocol droid materializes out of thin air, for no other apparent reason than conveniance.*

Droid: Hello, I am 13-37, Human-Hacker relations.

*Krig takes a swipe at the Taco with his gleaming razor sharp axe. The axe richochets off the Taco's hard shell. The Taco blasts Krig with multiple bolts of Force Destruction, causing Krig to fly back and hit his head on the Popcorn Stand 3DO.*

Spooky Taco: LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL!!!

Bob: What the heck is he saying?

13-37: It is a hackers way of saying: Ha Ha, sir.

*the Otter continues his speech*

Otter: And then Losien thus DID offer up thee cheese and thy crackers unto thee...

*Janitor Bob looks at 13-37 increduolously.*

Bob (seething): The taco's a hacker.

13-37: Why yes, sir.

Bob: A hacker...

13-37: That's right.

Bob (with foam visibly dripping out of his mouth): I HATE hackers...

*Bob runs up to the Taco, screaming, waving his pushbroom, and dives into it. He starts bashing it from the inside. Slowly, the Taco's health meter starts to go down.*

Sem: I've just GOT to save the world. Again.

*Sem lifts his voice up to the heavens. He dramatically cries out*

Sem: KICK: SPOOKY TACO

*nothing happens*

Spooky Taco: ROTFLMAO! j00 c@nt 0d d@t! /me h@5 5p@(3s @ft@r mi n@/\/\3!

13-37: He said: Ha! You can't do that! I have spaces after my name!

Sem: Confounded! Guess we're going to have to whine for help. Again. OH GREAT WRITERS UP ABOVE. WE PLEAD FOR YOUR GUIDANCE AND HELP. YOU MUST DOWNLOAD HACKER BOOTER!
---------------

*In the realm o' the writers*

Sem the writer: Ugh...

Bob the Writer: *groan*

Geb the Writer: *puke*

Poster Geb: Voices. I hear voices. It must come from somewhere. They... they wan't me... to download Hacker Booter.

*Will Poster Geb be able to Download Hacker Booter in time? Or will Geb the hero have to save the other heroes by himself? Or will Geb the Writer wake up to help them?
See next time on the Never Ending Story. Starring: Geb, Geb, and Geb (sounds like an insurance company)*

------------------
May the Windex be with you
-Janitor Jack (Salk Wars)

Gebohq

07-02-2001, 07:44 PM

Meanwhile, Losien the writer is without her own way back to the Massassi Forums offices, and proceeds to attept to hitchhike. Almost immediately after first trying, a Mac truck pulls up, with a big, burly, with a obvious "feeling-alone-tonight-look" on his face at teh driver's seat, winking at Losien and offering her a ride...

Can the writers be any more non-subtle? Find out, as you feverishly scroll down to the next post of NeS, to realize that it isn't there and/or that you could be doing almost anything more productive with your life right now...

------------------
~Geb

Janitor Bob

07-06-2001, 10:01 AM

*In an attempt to deflect the wrath of the charging Spooky Taco, and cowering in literary apathy, Janitor Bob hurls the NeverEnding Story Thread back into the eyes of the public, at the top of the Interactive Story Board*

------------------
May the Windex be with you
-Janitor Jack (Salk Wars)

Losien

07-06-2001, 10:12 PM

(NSP: Well...in attempt to get the NES thread at the top of the Interactive Story Board...I decided I'd post this...and also to inform you all that there have been some pretty bad t-storms here lately...and the powers been going out a lot...which is one reason I haven't posted in a while. I'm sure you're all thinking..."What a lame excuse" LOL...ok...well...it's true. Another reason is...well, I've been "busy" and I guess there's also a part of me *slaps myself on the hand* that has been pretty "lazy." That's usually what happens during *yawn* summer vacation. Anyways...so..yeah, I'll try and think of something "cool" to post...and hopefully I'll have something thought up of within the next few days. Till then...I'm sorry.)

Gebohq

07-06-2001, 10:17 PM

(NSP: Go Bob, go! And Los, I think you jsut summed up very well what practically all of us are thinking when thinking about NeS http://forums.massassi.net/html/smile.gif And Bob, how does one do those small "tm" things? I'd post but uh...I've got a rare case of the ebola virus. And I have to clean my refrigerator. And I'm the leader, I'm here to tell the rest of ya to post. Um, yeah. And stuff.)

~Geb

Gebohq

07-07-2001, 11:56 AM

(NSP: ...I guess an actual STORY post would be good, eh? I'll do one then. Onward!)

In the Massassi Offices, the incapacitated writers begin to rise from unconsciousness...

Bob the writer: *getting up* Oiy, my legs... my back... my stomach... my throat... my nose... nose?...

Bob the writer uses his fingers in trying to find his nose, and after a few seconds, succeeds.

Bob the writer: Phew... where is everyone?

Geb the writer: Trying to avoid my own puddle of puke...

LT evil the writer: What happe--where am I--what is th--

Geb the writer: That's what didn't agree with me when I woke up.

LT Evil the writer: Oh joy... *hurl*

Cooked the writer: Hey, what's the religious guy doing by your computer, Sem?

Sem the writer: Holy mackral! He's messing with our characters! Get 'em!

Sem the writer begins to stand up when the door behind him smacks him on the head, knocking him back into unconsciousness. From the doorway, Otter and Mase the writers rush through, closing the door behind them.

Mase the writer: Think we lost them?

Otter the writer: I hope so.

Maybe the writer: Lost who?

A loud knocking is heard on the door, and a gruff voice from behind it could be heard yelling "Open up! This is the police!"

Mase the writer: *in a hushed voice* Quick, ya gotta hide us!

Randy the writer: This should prove to be interesting...

What trouble have Otter and Mase the writers gotten themselves into this time? Silly writers...oh yeah, find out next time...oh wait, I've just been told that the next two posts won't answer this question. Er...or will it? Damn, that isn't going to work, is it?

------------------
~Geb

Gebohq

07-07-2001, 11:58 AM

Still within the realm of our bold writers, the beautiful Losien risks her life as she climbs into the truck with the over-weight, unattractive, horny Mac-truck driver.

Mac (catchy, ain't it?): Make yerself comfy, miss.

Losien the writer: Thanks...I think...

Several moments pass as Mac continues driving down the dark highway road without a word. Mac then stretched out his arms as he yawned, letting his arm drop over Losien's shoulders (an action Mac has obviously been practicing many times). Losien keeps herself from shuddering, praying that her stop will come soon. She begins to notice that Mac was taking an exit that was labeled "Romantic Point".

"Why are we going this way?" Losien asked. She had a pretty good idea.

"Short cut," Mac said with as much truth in his voice as he could muster. A few minutes later, Mac parked the truck in between a couple sports cars. From outside the windshield, Losine could see teh city below where the Massassi Offices lied. She also noticed that Mac had a hard time keping still.

"Perdy, ain't it?" Mac asked with a smile on his face. Losien nodded her head nervously. "Just like you," he added, as he began to lean towards her, with his eyes closed. Slinking lower down her seat to avoid him, Losien accidentilly gripped the emergency brake and pulled it out.

The truck gave a lurch as it started sliding off the cliff towards the city and Massassi Offices below. Mac seemed not to notice and continued advancing towards Losien, as she herself began to reach for the door...

Will Losien plummet to her death as the Mac Truck begins its descent down the cliffside? Will Mac find his true love? Does anybody have any real emotional attachment to Mac? Find out, right here, on the Neverending Story Thread!

------------------
~Geb

[This message has been edited by Gebohq (edited July 07, 2001).]

Gebohq

07-07-2001, 12:04 PM

Inside the Gamming Realm, Geb the Hero rummages through everything in the Crow's nest...

Geb: Porn, porn, porn...there's nothing in this place but--PORN! That's it!

Grabbing as much of the sticky, slutty print as he could, Geb ran towards the window that overlooked the CyberArena tm, opened the window, and shouted at the Spooky Taco.

Geb: Hey you!

Stopping in mid-fight, the Spooky Taco turned to face Geb, somehow looking confused.

Geb: Yeah, you! Look what I have!

Spooky Taco: Pr0n! |\/|U$t |-|@\/E pr0n!

As the Spooky Taco begins to advance towards Gebohq, the sleeping Rob X slumps off of the floating hacker-taco. Janitor Bob takes notice of Rob X.

Janitor Bob: Hey, who's that guy?

Sem: That's Rob X. I thought I killed the bugger.

Mase: Uh-oh...

Out of nowhere, a mystical swirl aka plot hole appears, promptly spitting out a figure clad in black armor.

Maybe: Is that...Dart Wader?

Sem: Mm-hm. "For every Hero that reappears after having been officially killed, an equal and oppisite Bad Guy appears."

Otter: Is that some official rule of the Neverending Story Thread?

Sem: Wha-? No, I was just babbling.

Otter: Oh.

Dart Wader: Ha-woe! What is wong wit dis pic-a-chur?

Will our hereos ever be able to defeat the Spooky Taco? What will they do about the mysterious appearances of Rob X and Dart Wader? Can Geb save himself from the sticky situation he's in? Can we disgust the reader with more nasty mental images by saying "sticky"? Sticky sticky sticky! Find out, in the next edition of "Hustler"--I mean, on the next post of The Neverending Story Thread!
---------------------

"When someone asks if you're a god, you say YES!" --Ghostbusters

~Geb

P.S. If Antestarr doesn't psot it himself, I hope someone will mention nesianity breaking into different sects, like the ones who worship Ares (they can call themselves "Areans", hehehe).

Janitor Bob

07-08-2001, 12:49 PM

*In the writer's office, the writers stare nervously, at the two cops, both of which are holding out their badges with one hand, and holding an M-16 (from SS3) in their holster with their other hand. Despite the fact that the police were indoors, Dark sunglasses rest upon their sharp noses, sending the message: "I'm Law Enforcement, and therefore, I'm cooler than you."*

Randy the writer: Uh... wassup?

Bob the writer: Don't tell me that we have two MORE writers!

Police office #1: I truly wish it was that simple for your sakes. You seem to have yourself trapped. You've been on the run for many years... but we've finally caught you.

Geb: What the heck are you talking about?

Police officer #1: I'm Officer Kedri, and this is my sidekick, Aglar. We are part of the elite crack Hacker/Emulator Massassian Police squad.

Aglar: And I'm afraid one of you has been hacking.

Bob the writer: Hacking? We couldn't hack ourselves out of wet paper bag.

Sem the writer: Well, I could. But when did we alledgely Hack?

Officer Kedri: Three hundred and Seventeen counts of hacking, to be exact.

*Geb, suspiciously, crosses his arms.*

Poster Geb: This is religious discrimination!

Geb the writer: I agree with my namesake. Who, exactly, is the one doing all of this hacking?

Aglar *looking at notepad*: Uh... I believe it was... the Etter... the Udder?

Officer Kedri: The Otter. And we'll be needing him to come with us.

Geb: Ha! That's where you've made your mistake. Otter, right now, is under the sanctuary of the God of war.

Otter: Uh... Geb. I'm back.

*The two policemen stumble past eachother, dive over the puke-green couch, slide on the Coffee table, and tackle and pin down theOtter. They quickly frisk him for computer cables*

Officer Kedri: You have the right to remain DeVoiced, everything you say and/or type can and/or will be used agains-

Otter: I swear! It wasn't me! The real hacker has the same I.P. address as me!

Officer Kedri: Oh, sure, that's an NEW one!

Aglar: Yeah, about as new as the ol' the Dog ate my T-1 line excuse!

Officer Kedri: Hackers! I know your type...

Aglar: Helvetica! 10-point font!

Otter: Well, Jail isn't so bad, they've got plush carpets... nice room with and almost unobscured view... cable-TV

*Kedri handcuffs Otter and drags him from the room*

Officer Kedri: And this time, you can't use the phone!

Otter: Dang.

*The door slams with a thud of finality, and a siren screams away, finally quieting into nothingness*

Maybe the Writer: So... who's up for a game of UNO?

------------------
May the Windex be with you
-Janitor Jack (Salk Wars)

Janitor Bob

07-09-2001, 11:44 AM

ooc: Geb, did you notice that on one of your last three posts, you changed into the past tense? Anyway...

*In big Mac's Pickup truck, Losien starts to notice that Mac is starting to act kind of... funny. She reaches for the door and starts to click the release. Nothing happens*

Losien: Great... the door... it's Jammed.

Mac: It's not jammed, my lil' sweet Powdered donut, it just has a child-safety lock.

*About as sauvely and subtly as a train crash, Mac scoots closer to Losien, not noticing the trucks rapid descent. Losien scoots away from Mac. Mac scoots towards Losien. Pretty soon Losien is trapped under the dashboard with Mac in the passenger seat. She feels around for the cigarrate lighter, hoping she doesn't have to resort to violence.*

Losien (From under the dashboard): I think you're lost... maybe you should stop and ask for directions.

*Mac's masculinity is immeadiately insulted by this suggestion. He would never dream of asking for derections. He begins to get angry, but is still trying be sauve.*

Mac: I'll never be lost again, now that I've found you, Frosted Flake.

Losien: Ohh... how sweet. Now get me out of here.

*Mac seems not to notice. In fact he is oblivious of just about everything right now, including the fact that the truck is reaching terminal velocity. Losien knows that this is her chance. She grabs a lever by his seat and pulls. The seat that Mac is in springs forward, and his head impacts on the glove compartment with a crunch, knocking him unconcious. Unfortunately, for Losien, the truck was still falling, and she was trapped under the massive smelly, unconscious body of Mac. She hated it when this happened.*

------------------
May the Windex be with you
-Janitor Jack (Salk Wars)

Pengun

07-09-2001, 08:58 PM

I have vai of the saadoi, and three derliuge trillings.

The Last True Evil

07-10-2001, 06:13 PM

*Suddenly, Last True Evil (hereafter forever known as TLTE), who has been frozen in suspended animation since his last post, unfreezes (due to a, erm, celestial alignment of the stars) just in time to watch Big Mac's Pickup Truck head over the cliff! With reflexes honed to perfection in Mother Russia, TLTE leaps over the handrailing, attaching his rappeling rope to the guard-rail as he does so. As the events of Janitor Bob's last post unfold, TLTE rappels down, pulling himself into the cab of the pickup truck.*

Losien: Who are you?

*TLTE's reply is coated in a thick Russian accent.*

TLTE: (Pulling her out of Mac's sweaty flab) There'll be time for explanations (and hopefully some sex) later! Let's go!

*With that, he pulls her close and leaps out the cab window. The pickup truck smashes into the Massassi Offices in an actnic fireball of destruction and carnage. TLTE and Losien, still hanging from the rope, watch on.*

Losien: Well...I don't know quite who you are, but thank you for rescuing me-

TLTE: In Russia, we have a saying that works well here.

Losien: Really? What's that?

TLTE: "Gimme some sugar, baby".

*He tries to kiss her, but her knee is faster.*

Losien: Like I said, thanks for the rescue...

*She drops off the rope, leaving the still-groaning TLTE to squint through his tears to see her.*

TLTE: Where are you going?

Losien: I've got to see if I can help anyone in the wreckage. Maybe there's some survivors...

TLTE: Ha! (Talking into tape recorder) Wednesday, July 11, 2001. TLTE dazzles another lovestruck honey. Score 1 for Mother Russia!

*He descends from the rope, laughing...*

Michael MacFarlane

07-10-2001, 06:23 PM

Enter the intrepid Michael MacFarlane.

(Alright, someone clue me in. What's going on in the story right now? Give me the Cliff's Notes version.)

Gebohq

07-10-2001, 06:49 PM

(NSP: Cliff notes? Oh boy... Seriously, if you read this page and the last page, you'll get the basic idea. Descriptions of most of the "heroes" are on page 16. That should go for all ye new writers. And yes, I am rather disturbed why we're getting so many new writers--it's not a regular event you know http://forums.massassi.net/html/smile.gif And TLTE is back, yey!)

~Geb

Michael MacFarlane

07-10-2001, 07:02 PM

(Too disorienting for easy reading, but I'll try and get my character started anyway.)

While dozing in his apartment, Michael is startled into wakefulness by the ringing of his phone.

Michael (picking up phone): What is it? (pause) What? There's been an explosion. (pause) Oh, bleeped obscenity. I'll be right there.

Michael runs down stairs toward his car.

(Feel free to write me into the next bit.)

[This message has been edited by Michael MacFarlane (edited July 10, 2001).]

The Last True Evil

07-10-2001, 10:30 PM

(Here, Michael. You're new, I'm new; we'll work together for a bit.)

*Half an hour later, TLTE is sitting in a Massassi bar, one of the few that managed to avoid the pickup truck's explosion. Losien, ferrying injured people to and fro, ducks her head in.*

Losien: Aren't you going to help???

TLTE: Look, we've been through this...I am a stereotypical hero. I save beautiful women and love them. Three or four times a day. You obviously don't want this service, so I'll take my business elsewhere.

Losien: I don't BELIEVE you! You're a LOSER!

*She storms out.*

TLTE: (Snorts) Chicks. Hey, barkeep!

*The bartender waddles over to him.*

TLTE: Help out a comrade in need, da? I'm looking for a man around here...they call him "Geb".

*He produces a creased, dirty note.*

TLTE

HAD A GREAT TIME IN SIBERIA

CATCH YOU AROUND AT NeS THREAD

-GEB

Barkeep: Wait a minute...Geb...as in, "Gebohq"?

TLTE: Da, tovarish.

*The barkeeper, and the other dozen or so patrons, all level concealed weapons. at TLTE.*

Barkeep: You wouldn't happen to be friends with this Gebohq now, would you?

TLTE: And what if I am, chubby-girly-man? Da? What if I rough up your bar a bit?

*Unbeknownst to anyone, Michael strides in, muttering to himself.*

Michael: (muttering) Pretty bad explosion....gonna need a beer....

*Suddenly, he looks up. Muttering another bleeped obscenity, his hands drop to his waist.*

Barkeep: What if I rough up YOU!!!

*The bar patrons all fire, and TLTE (and Michael, for no real reason) are in their crosshairs...*

[This message has been edited by The Last True Evil (edited July 10, 2001).]

Losien

07-11-2001, 10:23 AM

(NSP: Disregard this post...if it messes us anything that you guys had in mind)
TLTE: Come on...let's get out of here!

(Michael, upset that he couldn't have his beer, gets up. TLTE and Michael walk outside)

Michael: Are there any other bars around here?

TLTE: (spots Losien sitting on a bench) Shh..(moves his finger to his lip motioning to be quiet as he walks towards Losien)

Michael: (Whispering) Come on already...she's not interested in you.

TLTE: We'll see about that.

Losien: (Looks up just when TLTE is about to sit down) This seat is taken.

TLTE: Oh really? By who?

Losien: Well, it's taken.

(In the backround, Michael trys hard to keep from laughing outloud)

TLTE: If you don't like me, then you should just say so. (TLTE sits down, Losien moves over - away from him)

Losien: I don't like you.

TLTE: You know..(Forrest Gump Accent ;-)) My momma always said, life is like a box of chocolate..you never know whatcha gonna get.

Losien: Well..too bad all of your chocolate is melted. I suggest you get a new box.

Michael: Oh man..that's cold.

(Losien and TLTE look over at Michael)

Michael: Oh...uh...sorry.

TLTE: Anyways...I can't believe you just said that to me. I saved you from being stuck in a truck with this fat, smelly, ugly guy named Mac...and this is how you thank me.

Losien: I did say thank you, didn't I?

TLTE: Yeah...but that's all. You could've ended up being raped by this guy if it wasn't for me. (TLTE raises his shirt collar...acting all "macho")

(Michael looks at his watch)

Michael: I don't mean to interrupt...but..TLTE...can we go?

TLTE: Hell-o? Can't you see I'm having a conversation? You can't just expect me to - -

(Without TLTE noticing, Losien gets up and walks away)

TLTE: (continuing) I'm finally making her realize that she wants me and I'm not giving up someone with such a great smile. Look at that.

(He turns around and points to where Losien was sitting, only there's a stray cat in her place)

Michael: (chuckles) OK..let's go.

Michael MacFarlane

07-11-2001, 10:27 AM

(Dang. That was just so me. Seriously.)

Janitor Bob

07-11-2001, 10:50 AM

(ooc: Dang it, all you new writers are making me feel old. But seriously, it's great too have more writers, I got tired of simply chatting with myself. I hope that some of the other veterans will start writing again also *hint* *hint*)

*Meanwhilest, in the Massassi Office, the writers all sit bored, passively intrigued with the peeling of the paint on the walls. Maybe the writer plays a game of UNO solitare.*

Geb the writer: Okay. That's it. We've got to go rescue Otter.

Maybe the writer: Why?

Randy the Writer: Good point.

Geb the writer: *ahem* First of all, Otter is one of the elite fraternity of NES writers, and as a part of that brotherhood, we owe it to him to rescue him, despite the fact that he hasn't actually written in about 7 pages. Secondly, I have a feeling that he was framed, considering the fact that theOtter has trouble enoough turning on the computer, much less decrypting government files or whatever. Third, if we save him, maybe he'll give us money!

Bob the writer: Okay, I'm in.

Geb the writer: Now's the usual part where me, as leader, assigns you all menial tasks, while keeping the most glorious job for myself.

Maybe the writer: Wait, wait, wait... who says that you're the leader

Geb the writer: I do.

Maybe the writer: Why?

Geb the writer: It's simple really. I was here first.

Maybe *sarcastically*: Well, I'm just crushed under immense weight of your logic.

Geb the writer: As you rightfully should be. Okay. Bob, Ante, Krig, and me, we'll go find the true hacker. He's bound to be in this very building, because of his IP address. Sem, you stay here and continue to download Hacker Booter. Were downloading at about 2.3 bytes per second right now, so an enduring attention span is a must. Masseto, I want you, to... um... go to the supermarket and get us some donuts!

Masseto the writer: Absolutely.

Geb the writer: Poster Geb, you go forth unto the nations...

Poster Geb: I shalt.

Geb the writer: While you're at it, find the new writers and explain to them the nuances of the Never Ending Story thread. Include the doctrine of Morris.

Poster Geb: May thy locusts devour me if I fail thee!

Geb the writer: Maybe... why don't you stay here and ... mop the floors and do the dishes!

Maybe the writer: *grumble*... male chauvinist swine...
--------------------

*A few minutes later, Geb, Bob, Ante and Krig arrive at a dusty door in the attic of the Massassi Forums building. Crudely etched into the door with scissors are the letters ST. The door is locked, but voices can be heard inside.*

Ante the writer: : We've got to get through this door.

(ooc: Wow, was that bad dialogue, or what!)

Geb the writer: Right. We need something heavy, short, and hard to use as a battering ram.

*All eyes go to Krig. Bob and Geb pick up Krig, and rush towards the door. There is a coconut like sound as Krig impacts the door and shatters it.*

Krig: Krig no like that.

*Despite this, Krig seems fine. The door however, has a large hole in it. The writers step through the hole, and peer around into the foggy darkness. There they see the writers of the Spooky Taco thread... Wuss the writer... lordvader the writer... even some sort of duck-billed platypus suffering from an acute case of Hydrophobia. But at the computer console a crazed individual from the past taps at the keyboard with blinding speed and innacuarcy. His frazzeled hair matches his gaudy clothes. A luminesesent glow hangs over him softly. He turns around and looks over the writers with piercing glowing eyes. He opens his mouth and a slow stream of drool oozes out. Geb looks closely at him, squinting his eyes. He recognizes him, in horror.

Geb the writer: No... it's you... I thought you were gone forever.

Krig the writer: : Uh oh. Krig hate this evil man.

Bob the writer: : Who is this guy. I've never seen him before.

Geb the writer: : Once you do see him you never forget him. Although therapy helps.

*Krig closes his eyes and gets into the fetal position*

Bob the writer: Okay. But who is he!

Geb: He's...

Krig: He's...

Ante: He's...

*The hacker turns to Bob and with spittle flying out of his mouth starts to attempt to talk*

Hacker: I AM TEH OVERGLOW!

Bob: Overglow?

Overglow: MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA...

*Oh no! The thrice-banned crazy massassian locale has returned to haunt our heroes! So he's the madman behind the Spooky Taco hacking! Can he be stopped? Will Sem download Hacker Booter in time? Will Maybe organize a mutiny against Geb? Will Masseto pick out the right type of donuts? All this and more on The Never Ending Story Thread: The Next Generation*

(ooc: I'm hoping to have the battle with the spooky taco parallel the confrontation with Overglow, if you know what I mean.)

------------------
May the Windex be with you
-Janitor Jack (Salk Wars)

Michael MacFarlane

07-11-2001, 11:05 AM

Meanwhile...

Michael: That was sad, man. Just sad.

TLTE: Are you kidding? Didn't you see me? You have no idea about women. She was clearly madly in love with me.

Michael: Yeah, I saw you. You'd have had a better chance trying to make it with the stray cat.

TLTE: Why you... (punches Michael)

(Michael falls to the ground.)

TLTE: I'll kill you right now.

Michael: Wait! I hear voices.

TLTE: What?

Michael: Someone talking about doughnuts... I think it's the writers.

TLTE: Doughnuts?

Michael: Yeah. When you punched me, I think it jarred my brain and made me able to recieve signals from the world of the writers?

TLTE: Well then, what are we waiting for? Let's go get some doughnuts!

Will the voracious appetites of Michael and TLTE be satisfied by warm, delicious sugary...

Michael: Will you get to the point already?

...ahem...doughnuts, or will they find themselves unable to locate the writers? Find out next time on The Neverending Story Thread

(ooc: How'd I do?)

Janitor Bob

07-11-2001, 11:13 AM

NSP: Heh, great post Losien. Hilarious. http://forums.massassi.net/html/smile.gif

*In the bar, Mike and LT evil the writer, make to leave, as they had had their fill of beer and buffalo wings*

Bartender: Ye won't be leaving so quickly.

*The bartender and the other patrons take back out their guns large enough to stop small tanks*

Michael the Writer: Oh, that's right, we've got to pay a tip.

Bartender: Not so fast. Nobody is friends with Gebohq and lives.

Michael the writer: Do you have a personal thing against Geb or something?

Bartender: Yer smarter than ya look. But it always helps me too relax when I blow the snot out of one of his friends.

LT evil the writer: Why can't you just go to a nice spa to relieve you're stress instead...

Bartender: Ah, but where'd be the fun in that.

Lt evil the writer: One more question, before you attempt to annihilate us. Why didn't you kill us a couple of seconds ago?

Bartender: I didn't want to scare the lady.

Lt evil the writer: You're so considerate.

*The Barkeep and the other patrons cock their guns and aim at Mike and LT... and... then...*

------------------
May the Windex be with you
-Janitor Jack (Salk Wars)

Losien

07-11-2001, 11:23 AM

(NSP: Michael, I really like it. :-) It's a great post. I can already tell that my posts from now on will be inferior to yet..another Massassi Member's posts...but hey..that's all right. ;-) So...keep up the "grrrrrreat" (like Tony the Tiger says) work..and things will be A-OK (or does it go ABC? I get confused)

Michael MacFarlane

07-11-2001, 11:26 AM

(And I can tell that I will be constantly getting shot at. http://forums.massassi.net/html/tongue.gif )

Losien

07-11-2001, 11:30 AM

(NSP: Janitor Bob...why are you so nice to me? You're great and everything...I just don't understand why you take the time to tell me that something I do is good...even if it's not..)

Michael MacFarlane

07-11-2001, 12:11 PM

(But it was good, goldarnit! Don't be so hard on yourself.)

Losien

07-11-2001, 12:19 PM

(NSP: Nice to meet you Michael..;-) (Shouldn't we "meet" each other before you tell me not to be hard on myself? LOL.) OK..anyways...umm..I'm so incredibly bored, I've posted more today (though it's NSPs) than I have in a long time. I have to go to work though now..but...umm...I just wanted to say, I'm not hard on myself..I'm not.)

Gebohq

07-11-2001, 03:40 PM

(NSP: Just so you both know, the writer's realm and the "heroes'" realm are two differnt places, but intertwined (this is in reference mainly to TLTE, whose character in both has already been written for the past 2 pages, but your Russian side to it really helps. Michael--so you know, with the help of this post, your "writer" character will be involved and your "hero" character will come shortly (through whatever means). yes, it can be confusing, but hoefully, you'll catch on. Everyone else managed to, hehe. Anyways, onward!)

In the Massassi Offices for the Neverending Story Thread, Cooked and Randy the writer are left with Sem and Maybe, with nothing to do.

Cooked the writer: So...are you gonna pay that bill?

Randy the writer: Oh, um...suuuuure...

Randy proceeds to walk over to a little piggy bank labeled "writer's savings for Vegas", cracks it open, and takes the change. Randy then gives it to Cooked.

Cooked: *looking at the change, noticing much more than what was owed was there* Thanks...

Randy: So, er...what should we do? We could either help bail out Otter, or we could catch up with Masetto and help him get donuts.

Cooked: Hmm....
---------------------------------------------
Ten minutes later, at the local deserted supermarket...

Cooked the writer: I say go with the chocolate ones, Masetto.

Randy the writer: No, go with the assorted!

Masetto the writer: I dunno, everything kind of looks sketchy...
---------------------------------------------
Meanwhile, in the local prison...

Otter the writer: Oh, they'll come bail me out. Someday....anytime now....

TheOtter looks warily at a burly man not unlike mac, garbed in a prison outfit, witht he name "Butch" labeled on his shirt.

Tune in shortly, because if it's not there, the next post will be coming very soon by the same writer! Seriously!

------------------
~Geb

Gebohq

07-11-2001, 04:33 PM

When we last left, Michael MacFarlane and LT Evil the writers were in a bar, just mere seconds from being shot at by the barkeeper and his associates.

MMTW(nsp: That'd be writer-you, mick): Uh...was it something I said?

LT evil the writer: Can't we all jsut get along?

Barkeeper: Didn't I make myself clear? You're friends with that Geb guy, and therefore, you're goners!

Losien the writer: Hold it right there!

Having burst into the scene, Losien's word made everyone iin the bar turn their heads and stop whatever they were doing. A few wolf whistles oculd be heard.

Losien the writer: Were you just about to shoot my friends here, kind barkeeper?

Barkeeper: Oh, t-these are your friends? I wouldn't ever harm anyone who was a f-friend of such a beutiful patron such as yourself, kind madame.

Losien the writer: And from what I've heard, I don't think you're thinking of the same Geb as these two are. My Geb comes in here with a man named Otter every happy hour and pays you well.

Barkeeper: Oh that Geb! We like him indeed. We thought they were talking about the religious freak preaching about something called "Nesianity". Never knew it was such a common name. Put down your guns, men, and let the three of them leave.

Everybody did as was told, and Michael and LT evil the writer walked out with Losien out of the bar.

LT evil the writer: *after walking outside the bar* I knew it! I knew you couldn't resist my Russian charm, my lucious Losien.

Losien the writer: Please! I saved the two of you because we writers over at the Neverending Story could use you guys. Let's get going-and KEEP YOUR HANDS OFF!

Michael the writer snickered as Losien pushed LT evil the writer's had away. LT evil the writer promptly punched Michael in the side for snickering.
---------------------------------------------
Meanwhilst, back in the offices of the Neverending Story...

Maybe the writer: Why am I cleaning this place up? Isn't that why we got a janitor...

Sem the writer: Shhh! I'm trying to concentrate on searching for a hacker booter.

Maybe the writer: Did you try using a search engine?

Sem the writer: Ohhh, hadn't thought of that one. This may take a while, I best help out our characters a bit before searching...
---------------------------------------------
In the Gaming Realm, where our heroes battle the Spooky Taco...

ZAAAP!

Krig: Familiar, this feels...

Sem: We've all been...yodafied! Praise be to the writers! I think...

Geb: Yes, wisdom I have now! For I see the life of the Spooky Taco and its like. Grow in number of posts they may, but like the dark side, its lives are short-lived.

Otter: (still under Nesianity's influence, and yes, yodified as well) Stoop to their level NeS must not, for once down the path, forever will it dominate their desinty!

Spooky taco: I W@|\|+ y0u12 $0uLz!

Will their yodified states help our heroes ward off the Spooky taco while Sem the writer finds the Hacker Booter? Will our new writers be able to aid Sem the writer in time? Tune in to find out, right here on The Neverending Story Thread!

------------------
~Geb

[This message has been edited by Gebohq (edited July 11, 2001).]

Janitor Bob

07-11-2001, 05:10 PM

NSP: Losien, don't dare to question my literary reviewing ablities http://forums.massassi.net/html/biggrin.gif.

I had no alterior motives in complimenting your post, (except for possibly getting you to post more often), I just thought some parts were pretty funny. Especially that chocolate line http://forums.massassi.net/html/smile.gif If you really think that you aren't good, just continue writing, because practice is the best way to improve.

Mike, good to have you join the cause, and good first post. Especially compared to my first post.

LT evil, you finally posted! I was going to have on of the writers lock you in a closet until you started writing http://forums.massassi.net/html/biggrin.gif

Until, I post next, which shall be pretty soon now that the new writers have swept away the dank cobwebs of writers block from the dingy corners of my brain, I say: Onward!

Wow. That was corny.

------------------
May the Windex be with you
-Janitor Jack (Salk Wars)

Janitor Bob

07-11-2001, 05:40 PM

*In the corrugated, crowded, crud-filled cubicle of the Spooky Taco, our writers confront the enemy writers, most notably the disenfranchised entity of Overglow.*

Overglow: U GYS SUCK! I HATE U! You SUCK!

Bob the writer: Wow, I've only known the guy for 7 seconds and he's already annoying the heck out of me.

Overglow: FEEL TEH RATH!

Bob the writer: Geb, What do you say that we... "wipe this dirt spot off the linoleum floor of humanity"

Geb the writer: I like the way you think.

Bob the writer: Gratuitously violent. As always.
------------
*In the realm o' our heroes, the action is mirrored, although in much more surreal circumstances*

Yoda Bob: Evil one this one is... hmmm. Defeat him we must.

*Yoda Bob swings his pushbroom around and the heroes close in on the Taco.*
-----------
Overglow: ME SI TOO POERFUL TO BE STOPED! YOU SUCK!

Geb the writer: Ha! Powerful. Your pathetic excuse for power does not concern us! Ooh. That sounded evil.
-----------

Spooky Taco: /\/\3 i5 b1g! j00 c@n't d3f3@t m3!

Yoda Geb: Size matters not! Hmmm... yessss...
----------

*Ante the writer charges up to Overglow, vaults over Rabid Platupus and picks up Overglow by the shirt collar, lifting him into the air*
----------

*Yoda Ante uses his yoda-rific powers to telekenetically lift the Taco 15 feet into the air*

*Will blah blah defeat blah blah? Will blah blah survive? Or will blah blah? More importantly, will our writers pick up Donuts high in Dietary Fiber? Blah blah on Blah Blah Story Thread*

------------------
May the Windex be with you
-Janitor Jack (Salk Wars)

[This message has been edited by Janitor Bob (edited July 11, 2001).]

The Last True Evil

07-12-2001, 12:14 AM

(Bah, no one tells me that my posts are any good...is no one here a Russian sympathiser? Sure, Losien's post was good, because it made fun of my character and his apparent inability to make it with women! Not only is this hugely incongruent with the actual character (he's meant to be irresistable to all but the strongest feminists), now he's the extravagant black sheep of the 3-way group of Losien, Michael and TLTE, which is exactly what I didn't want. Ah well...Oh, and Losien, my character has lost interest in you, you hurt his feelings...he's a very sensitive guy :P Well, in other news, Losien and Michael seem to be getting along well...allow me, devious writer as I am, to twist that into an NeS style plot...)

*TLTE, Losien and Michael are strolling down the charred remains of the Massassi offices. Somehow, the tricky Russian has put his arms around both of them, and is entertaining them with war stories.*

TLTE: I remember one time, I was abducted by Saddam Hussein, who was planning to invade Mother Russia...so there I was, stretched out on his torture rack, and suddenly Saddam appears, and throws a cauldron of steaming oil on me...

*Losien catches Michael's eye, looking at him in that not-looking-at-him kind of way, then turns away, pretending to take rooted interest in a small rock. Michael stares, unblinking at her, then turns away, and becomes irrevocably interested in a passing piece of lint.*

TLTE:...so you know what I say to Saddam? I motion for him to come closer, and I whisper in his ear..."Spasibo, tovarish"! AHHH, HA HA HA...."Spasibo, tovarish!"

*Michael winks at Losien. Losien turns an attractive shade of tomato-red.*

TLTE:...so then Saddam shouts, "KILL THE RUSSIAN PIG-MAN!" So his guards all grab their rifles, but at that moment, the charges I had laid at strategic locations throughout the base detonate, and I'm thrown from my restraints onto Saddam. We wrestle madly on the floor...

*Behind TLTE's back, Michael and Losien hold hands.*

TLTE: ...but to cut a long story short, I defeated Saddam and his evil plot, and was back in Russia for some 'quality time' with my lovely ladies...but enough about me, do you know a man called Gebohq?

Losien: *Snapped out of her trance* Hmm? What? Ohhh...Gebohq? Sure, I, uh, know him...

TLTE: You look a little...flustered. Is putting my arm around you too distracting for you?

Losien: Pfft. Hardly. What I meant was, I can take you to him, if you like...

Michael: *Dreamily* I'll come too...

TLTE: Wonderful...take me to him...

*TLTE and the 'secret couple' walk off into the sunset...*

[This message has been edited by The Last True Evil (edited July 12, 2001).]

Losien

07-12-2001, 08:30 AM

(NSP: TLTE...why didn't you just tell me that I messed everything up? You could've deleted my post and I would've had no problem with that..and we could've just pretended it wasn't ever there. I feel like the worse person here right now..I wish you would've told me...I'm really sorry...and if it means anything, at all to you, your posts are really really good...far much better than mine. It's too bad that the most important things, usually go unrecognized...you're a great writer. :-) Just because no one compliments you...doesn't mean anything. Sometimes people compliment other people (like myself) in order to try and boost their self-confidence so they continue posting...they don't necessarily always mean it. But I do...your posts are great. And again...I'm really sorry.)

Semievil333

07-12-2001, 02:25 PM

(NSP: Ahh, New writers, sorry I haven't posted sooner, I have had multiplie cunkushunz adn ma Lilst erovercing..... Anyways, welcome, Michael MacLongname [don't fight it, it's good for the story])

------------------
The early bird may get the worm-
but it's the second mouse who gets the cheeze.

Omnia quae specto dominavi, et tantam magnus sum, ut non specto!

Losien

07-12-2001, 03:41 PM

(NSP: As I always say...or have been starting to say...if this post interferes with anything anyone has in mind for the story..then you may delete it...or just tell me to.)

(Michael, Losien, and TLTE continue walking into the sunset. It's getting darker. TLTE still remains with his arms around Michael and Losien's shoulders. Michael and Losien still secretly holding hands. Michael squeezes Losien's hand and she giggles slightly.)

TLTE: What is so funny?

Michael: Uh..nothing.

Losien: Yes...nothing. Although...I saw this really stupid commercial the other day...for Taco Bell. This guy...oh my gosh...it's so funny..he..

Michael: (finishing her sentence..acting like the guy on the commercial) says, "I'm just a man, just a guy, just a dude and I'm hun-gry!"

Losien: Yes...exactly. I hate that commercial...but it's so funny.

(Michael and Losien look at TLTE.)

Losien: Why aren't you laughing?

TLTE: I don't understand you guys.

Michael: What's there to understand?

TLTE: Michael..I can't believe you'd do this to me.

Michael: (looking innocent) Do what?

TLTE: Nothing.

Losien: I have a joke. Does anyone want to hear it?

Michael: I do!

TLTE: You can tell Michael. I'm sure you're more attracted to him than you are to me. To tell you the truth. I'm over you. I don't go for people that exist only to make me feel like a piece of dirt.

Losien: I never said that I didn't like you. I'm just..

Michael: You like me more than him?

Losien: Michael..(giggles..not meaning to) Can you just hold on. TLTE...why do you think I hate you? I know I said some pretty shallow things...but I didn't necessarily mean them..well..all of them.

TLTE: Apology not accepted...not yet at least. It's not that easy. I save your life, and you treat me like this...I don't have to be nice to you again. I already wasted all my energy on you.

Losien: (sigh) I'm really sorry..if that makes you feel any better. "Don't be sad, get Glad!"

Michael: (jumping back in the conversation) Do you like me Losien?

Losien: Isn't it obvious?

Michael: You do?!

(TLTE walks away by himself, Losien follows..Michael runs to catch up with her...questioning her again about whether or not she likes him. Losien pulls something out of her purse.)

Losien: Would you like some cheese and crackers?

TLTE: (jokingly) What kind of loser carrys cheese and crackers in her purse?

Losien: Well..you're looking at her.

TLTE: Sure. Why not?

Losien: So...are we still friends?

TLTE: Well, I don't like you like that anymore...and I can't guarentee that I'll always be nice to you..because of things you said...but I guess I can say I don't hate you as much.

Losien: (jumps up and gives TLTE a hug) Thank you!

Michael: What about me? Do you like me?

Losien: (winks at Michael) You're great too.

TLTE: What kind of cheese is this? Swiss cheese? I hate swiss cheese.

Losien: Oops. Sorry. It's all I have left.

TLTE: Well...let's not waste any more time than we already have. Let's go find Geb.

Losien: Oh yes. Geb.

Michael: I'm coming too, right?

Losien: (Dreamily) Of course.

TLTE: (shaking his head at Losien who is practically drooling over Michael) Puppy dog love makes me sick!

Losien: (coming out of her single-minded state of being) What? Did you say something?

TLTE: (annoyed) I said, Swiss cheese makes me sick.

Losien: (staring at Michael) Oh.

(The three continue walking till they get to a bus stop.)

Losien: Well, we can keep walking...or we can wait for the bus to come...(looks at her watch...that she's not really wearing) I think it'll be about 10 minutes till the next bus comes by.

TLTE: I think we should wait for the bus.

Michael: Yeah. Me too.

Losien: Well..what are we going to do while we wait? We could play Candy Land...I have "travel size" Candy Land..oh wait..(Losien remembers the last time she brought Candy Land into the NES and it was a big mistake)...never mind...I must've left it in my other purse.

TLTE: We can just wait.

Michael: Wow...I was thinking the same thing.

Losien: Or...we can sing "99 bottles of Ocean Spray CranGrape Juice on the wall"!

TLTE: Or not.

Losien: Ok..so we'll wait.

(The three wait for the bus...and wait, and wait and wait...is there a bus...they sit and wonder...still waiting)

(NSP: Another lame post. I have no idea where to go w/ this. I'm losing it..or maybe I never had it to begin with. *shrugs* hmm.)

[This message has been edited by Losien (edited July 12, 2001).]

Janitor Bob

07-12-2001, 03:55 PM

(ooc: Sure, I'll compliment you TLTE, but first you have to pay me the required amount of cash, like all the other writers do.)

*Otter the Writer sits bored at a prison cell with conditions that would be considered inhumane for laboratory rats.
The cell is dirty enough to give Janitor Bob a heart attack. A disembodied skull with missing teeth lies next to the stone bed with nails sticking out of it. Otter's only company is Butch. He is an ugly evil fat man who by the look of his face, shaves with a weedwacker. He looks like he is about as intelligent as a waste treatment plant, but smells worse. Otter tries to be neighborly and make conversation with Butch*

Otter: So, Butch, what do you do for a living?

Butch: KILL...

Otter: Oh. Heh heh. Right. Uh... I guess I could start a good friendly discussion. How do you lean pollitically... are you a Republican or a Democrat?

Butch: KILL...

Otter: Oh... a Libertarian! So... How bout' those Mariners? They played pretty well against the Yankee's considering...

Butch: KILL...

Otter: Yes, they did get beat pretty bad. I'm bored... do you wanna play a game of UNO?

Butch: KILL...

Otter: Okay. I didn't bring my cards anyway. Say... you look familiar. Oh! You're Butchie! The kid who used to beat me up in the third grade! The kid who tried to cheat off my tests! The kid who I got sent to Juvie because I told on him because of the... *urk*

*Butch grabs Otter by the neck with one vise-like hand and presses him to the stone wall.*

*Will Otters conversational skills be enough to get him out of this latest predicament? Or will he have to finally use his long lost Eastern Martial Art Skills? The only way to find out is to tune in next time to THE NEVERENDING STORY!. Or I suppose you could just ask him*

------------------
May the Windex be with you
-Janitor Jack (Salk Wars)

Losien

07-12-2001, 04:24 PM

(NSP: Doesn't seem like playing games of any kind ends up working on the NES thread...lol. Well...at least not UNO, or Candy Land. ;-)

Michael MacFarlane

07-12-2001, 05:15 PM

(Just have to get in a quick one-liner here. http://forums.massassi.net/html/wink.gif )

Michael: Final answer?

( http://forums.massassi.net/html/biggrin.gif )

Gebohq

07-12-2001, 07:25 PM

(NSP: I can always count on Losien to bring the romantic, semi-serious and semi-actual comedic style into NeS without the semi-evil and semi-Geb style random-esque no-plot no-direction whack comedy what seems rampant as the Black Plague was in 1666 (or whenever). And to TLTE--NeS writers often ruthlessly cut down each other to progress what we call "comedy" (and what others may call 911 for), so please don't be offended by what happened--it means we like ya! Honestly--jsut look at what happened to Janitor Bob when he first joined http://forums.massassi.net/html/smile.gif Also, when you start writing up your "hero" version of TLTE, I'm sure, to be the opposite of your writer version (like Krig has done physically with his characters), he'll be having the ladies swooning over hero TLTE and giving ethan hawk-esque Phantom Master a run for his boyish charms. Anywhos, just a little spin-off not-terribly story related (yes there is a difference between story and plot. Just don't ask me what it is) for you to read...)

What is it with these "newbies" coming into the Neverending Story Thread? I remember back in the good ol' days when we had quality writers like galvatron, Enchilada Man, and Miss Fire. Now I'm stuck with a janitor, a Communist, and some bum named "Mick". And I still can't get rid of that Geb guy for the--what's this now? What do you mean "they insist on using "out of character" instead of "non-story reply"? I will not give up my faithful sidekick, NSP! I'd leave if it wasn't for the fact that I don't really exist. Yeah yeah, page 22. Yippie, woot, yey, and all that good rot. Read the next thrilling post of the Neverending Story Thread to uh...find out what happens next. And stuff...

(NSP/ooc: btw, another small and nearly insignificant thing to point out: The Neverending Story is what the writer's write, and what the heroes exist in, produced by Ares (referred to as NeS, which is also the name of a man in the writer's realm somehow connected with the story, knows all its details, and began Nesianity. The Neverending Story Thread is what this whole thing is considered, and should only be used by the Narrator, who is beyond and is part of all the realms. Somehow. Yes, how such a comedy got so complicated is beyond me, but its fun, because none of us really stress out over the details *thank God for plot holes* That is, except for those like me with too much free thinking time...)

------------------
~Geb

Janitor Bob

07-12-2001, 08:11 PM

NSP:Of course, Janitor Bob is usually stupid and ignorant in both realms... http://forums.massassi.net/html/smile.gif

And I thought ooc meant Out of Context. I'll use NSP now. It has a better... ring to it.

------------------
May the Windex be with you
-Janitor Jack (Salk Wars)

Losien

07-12-2001, 08:13 PM

(NSP or ooc: (which I never knew what it meant..lol) Well..Geb...I'm sorry I always bring in the semi-actual, semi-serious parts...lol..I don't know why. I think that's more of what kind of writing I like to do. I...and everyone else, will just have to face the fact that I'm not really that funny. :-) Hope you don't mind that I throw in these semi-actual, semi-serious, semi-romance things. I can't help it. I just read the post before...and post whatever comes to mind. Is that OK? :-) If not..let me know, and I'll try to change...well, I'll try anyways.)

Janitor Bob

07-12-2001, 08:49 PM

NSP: Your post is fine, Losien.

Also, TLTE, and Mike, it would help me if you would specify whether you're talking about the writer, or the actual hero. This is usually done by saying: Mike the Writer:

Or TLTETW:

Geb, the narrator, seems rather crotchety today. Soon he's going to start rambling about the great depression.

Also, correct me if I'm wrong Geb or Sem, but from what I've seen, all posts are accepted. You cannot ruin the story, so don't worry about it. Somebody could write about how Janitor Bob the Writer turned into a Three-Headed Monkey, then I would be a three-headed monkey for the next couple of posts.

That's the great thing about NES. Except of course, for one post story killers, where we immediatelly send Morris after you.

------------------
May the Windex be with you
-Janitor Jack (Salk Wars)

Losien

07-12-2001, 09:03 PM

(NSP: Janitor Bob..:-) you know, it's alright to tell me the truth once in a while. Geb has told me (haven't you?) a million times that all posts are accepted...and that it doesn't matter if you think they're "stupid" because..that's the point...but I don't know...I can't stop this feeling inside that I get...because I don't want to mess up the story...if that makes sense. Although...it probably doesn't, because you just got done telling me I can't ruin the story. Oh well..I don't know. Maybe it would be better if someone did change me into a 3 headed monkey. I'd be a lot cuter..that's for sure. Monkeys are really cute. ;-))

Michael MacFarlane

07-13-2001, 07:11 AM

(NSP: Um, I still can't figure out the whole writer/hero thing.)

Janitor Bob

07-13-2001, 07:28 AM

NSP: Maybe, It'd be better if I futiley try to explain it also.

There is this story. It's called the Neverending Story. And in this story there are heroes. They do some amazing stuff and get killed a lot, but always come back, because of plot holes. However, there are people writing the Neverending Story.

They, coincedentally, are called writers. They control what hapens in the Neverending Story. However, 'crazy and zany' things happen to the writers themselves. {ie, large explosive car chases with futuristic cars, devestating floods, blinding gunfights, etc)

Plot Hole Alert!: What happened to the Microsoft Secret Plans o' World Domination that Losien had?

------------------
May the Windex be with you
-Janitor Jack (Salk Wars)

Michael MacFarlane

07-13-2001, 08:15 AM

(NSP: I see. Apparently I'm in the writers' world, then. That was confusing me for a second.)

Losien

07-13-2001, 02:42 PM

(NSP: Really sorry about the plot hole thing with the Microsoft Secret Plans Of World Domination. *looks around, shuffling through papers* I must've lost it. OK...actually, I don't really know where to go w/ that...and so someone else can do it. It's not that I'm lazy and don't want to write..really...it's just that I have no idea what you guys want to be done with that. So...yeah...but it's my fault...I forgot all about that.)

Janitor Bob

07-13-2001, 09:31 PM

(How about a non- non story reply for once, eh?)

*In the Penal Prison of Haxor, Otter hangs... pinned to the wall by Butch's vengeful steel grip. Otter now must rely on his superior diplomatic skills to get out of his situation*

Otter: *urk*

Butch: You were da fool who told Mrs. Brooks about the Oatmeal thing!

Otter: *gag*

Butch: What was that about my mother?

Otter: *uuuk*

Butch: Oh, yeah! Well, so's your old man!

Otter: *choke*

Butch: One more word outta you, shrimp and I'm gunna...

Otter: *hack*

*Before Butch can render Otter's face converse, the door to the opposing cell swings open... revealing a man... or a beast... so wild... so untamed... that just the sight of his hairstyle is enough to send little kids screaming off the playground. Fortunately, he is a good guy*

Mr. T: I pity the foo' who picks on da Otter-man.

*Mr. T, with a few karate moves, causes Butch to let go of Otter, and grab a peice of paper and a pencil to get Mr. T's autograph. Unfortunately, Mr. T is not able to give Butch his autograph, mainly because Mr. T 'laughs in the face of literacy'.

Otter: Thanks... *cough* a lot. What are you in for?

Mr. T: Improper Grammatical usage.

Butch: Dang. You too?
---------------------

*Meanwhile, in the CyberArena, our heroes valientaly fight the Spooky Taco and Dart Wader in a final battle so epic, so noble, so stirring, so awe-inspiring, that most of the Writers can't think of anything to write about it*

*As the heroes Losien and LT Evil sensitively discuss relationships by the Popcorn stand, the other heroes continue to blow things up*

*The Spooky Taco is still unintentionally levitating in the air, through Ante's Yoda Powers. The Taco attempts to smite Ante with bolts of force destruction, but misses while Ante charges around the Arena with Force Speed on.*
------------------

*In the Spooky Taco office, Ante still has Overglow high in the air, pressed against the bookshelf. Overglow attempts a few punches and kicks at Ante, but Ante dodges them quickly and easily.*

*From across the room lordvader looks at Overglow. Overglow looks back at him with a pleading look in his eyes*

Overglow: PLEES...

*lordvader felt no sympathy towards overglow. This was mainly because it was humanly impossible to feel any sympathy towards him. However he couldn't very well let the NES writers reign over the spooky taco, so he put up his dukes and charged past Bob the writer and towards Ante the writer*
-------------------
*Dart Wader stared at the Spooky Taco. He almost felt sorry for it. Being another heiniously evil villian, the Taco and Wader almost felt a certain kind of 'bond' between eachother.*

Dart Wader: Aw gotta save dat Tocow!

*Dart ignites his saber and charges... or waddles quickly... towards the distracted Ante*

*Who will win this battle between good and evil? Good? or Evil? The only way to find out is to tune in to one of my personal favorites... (drumroll) THE NEVERENDING STORY THREAD!!*

------------------
May the Windex be with you
-Janitor Jack (Salk Wars)

------------------
May the Windex be with you
-Janitor Jack (Salk Wars)

The Last True Evil

07-15-2001, 02:15 AM

(Note: I've been away a few days, and I'm really glad with all the replies that hit me when I opened the thread up again. This really is the only story I've joined where the writers never quit, thanks guys...

Losien, the reason I didn't cut in and say 'wait, I don't want my character to be the individualist' is because, honestly, I didn't know where I could stand in this thread. I've been a part of stories where first impressions last forever and you can't go back and change them, no matter how loudly you scream, where to say 'your post just doesn't work for me' is considered the height of rudeness... Never mind, now I know that I can, and that means that this is the thread for me. Incidentally, I now know I have the longest abbreviation in history, which I will use from now on; TLTETHNTW, or The Last True Evil The Hero, Not The Writer.)

*Nightfall. Somewhere, on a park bench, Michael and Losien sit, consoling TLTE, who is weeping loudly.*

TLTETHNTW: I...I'm sorry...I have little to no people skills (sob)..I'm a standard superhero, I just don't (honks into tissue) know how to...get along normally!

*Michael keeps rolling his eyes and trying to catch Losien's attention to go, but Losien consoles him.*

Losien: It's not your fault, you were born like this-

TLTETHNTW: ...there's no excuse...in the modern world we live in today (sniffle), the percentage of sweet, sensitive males are growing rapidly...I'm no use anymore. I'm like the Cold War, yesterday's news...

Losien: That's not true...I'm sure you could settle down nicely with a lovely girl...

*TLTETHNTW gets off the bench and walks forward a few paces.*

TLTETHNTW: I'm...going for some vodka. Bye...

*He walks off down the street. Losien watches him for a while, then turns to Michael.*

Michael: What's that look supposed to mean?

Losien: I think you should go after him. Talk to him.

Michael: Whoa, wait a second...this Russian jerk nearly got me killed five seconds after we met! If you hadn't intervened, I would be playing a harp right now! Why should I go talk to him? You communicate better with him...

Losien: If you talk to him, I'll...(she leans over and whispers in his ear).

*Michael's eyes widen.*

Michael: Back in 5.

*He flies off at blistering speed, leaving a cartoon-esque cloud of dust behind him.*

!5 MINUTES LATER!

*Michael catches up with TLTETHNTW in a burnt-out Massassi building. TLTETHNTW is rooting through the place for records of Gebohq.*

Michael: TLTETHNTW man, you've got to come back and act all normal! Losien said if I made things all hunky dory with you she'd-

TLTETHNTW: It really doesn't matter to you, does it?

*Michael stares at him.*

TLTETHNTW: You two have commonalities in your imperfections...sure, you're OK most of the time, but you can be selfish and greedy a lot. And her...like you, good for a while, but she can be cold. Very cold. You two deserve each other.

Michael: Look, if you knew what she was going to do, you'd be happy for-

TLTETHNTW: For what? For you? No. Not now. Not ever.

*TLTETHNTW grabs a document labelled "GEBOHQ: TOP SECRET" and walks out.*

Michael: Godsakes...

*He follows him out and grabs him on the shoulder. TLTETHNTW swings around and punches him square in the face, knocking him flat.*

Michael: What the hell is wrong with you? It could be much worse...she could have slapped you or something-

TLTETHNTW: I'm used to being slapped, Michael! Don't you get it??? What the two of you did to me was unexpected...and devastating. I'll never forget it. What you two did to me...is unforgivable.

*Michael gets to his feet again and moves toward him, but TLTETHNTW clenches his fists.*

TLTETHNTW: Don't bother. I'll find Gebohq myself.

*He starts to walk away, then turns.*

TLTETHNTW: Do you know what 'tovarish' means in Russian? It's like a step up from friend. A life-mate. Someone you can count on through everything and everyone. Gebohq is my tovarish. I thought I found two more. I was wrong...

*He turns and walks off into the blinding moonlight.*

TLTETHNTW: (Over his shoulder) Give Losien my love...

[i](So there you are. A semi-serious post, to make the comedy a little more palatable. All yours, writers...)

[This message has been edited by The Last True Evil (edited July 15, 2001).]

Janitor Bob

07-15-2001, 07:06 AM

NSP: LT evil, that last post was fine, but seemed to be in the writers realms, as there was a Massassi building, park bench, etc.

There isn't these in the cyber arena.

I'll explain where people are to make it more clear

IN THE WRITERS REALM

Bob the writer, Geb the Writer, Krig the Writer, and Ante the Writer are fighting the Spooky Taco writers.

Sem is Downloading Hacker Booter in the Massassi Office. Maybe is cleaning up the office.

Masseto the Writer, Randy the Writer, and Cooked Haggis the Writer are valiently attempting to buy donuts.

Losien the Writer, Micheal the Writer and LT evil the Writer are having an emotional-feelings-moment... or at least were.

Otter the writer is in prison.

THE HEROES REALM

Randy, Cooked, Geb, Janitor Bob, Masseto, Sem, Maybe, and Ante are fighting the Spooky Taco in the Cyber Arena.

Losien and LT evil are in the Cyber arena also, but are discussing relationships instead of fighting.

Hope that helps.

[This message has been edited by Janitor Bob (edited July 15, 2001).]

Losien

07-15-2001, 04:41 PM

(I don't really know what I'm supposed to post about...but I figured I should try and post an actual "non-nonstory post" for once)

(Losien is sitting by herself while Michael is still talking w/ TLTE)

LosienTW: (Shivers) It's getting late. Michael's still not back. Maybe I should go look for him and TLTE.

(Losien decides to wait a little longer to see if Michael returns)

LosienTW: He said he'd be back in 5. (Losien looks at her watch...that she doesn't really have) I know it's been more than 10 minutes, at least!

(Losien begins to drift away into a deep sleep. Minutes later Michael returns shaking Losien.)

MichaelTW: Losien! Wake up! Wake up! (Talking at the speed of light) TLTE was in a burnt-out Massassi building. He was looking through files on Gebohq and he took one labeled "Top Secret." I don't know what he's going to do with it but he was in such a hurry to leave. We have to go soon.

LosienTW: (yawns and stretches her arms) Did you say something?

MichaelTW: (frustrated that Losien wasn't listening) I said...TLTE was in a burnt-out Massassi building. He was looking through files on Gebohq and he took one labeled "Top Secret." I don't know what he's going to do with it but he was in such a hurry to leave. We have to go soon...as in NOW!

LosienTW: (stares blankly at Michael) So...what you're saying...is that..TLTE was in a burnt-out Massassi building. He was looking through files on Gebohq and he took one labeled "Top Secret." You don't know what he's going to do with it but he was in such a hurry to leave...and that we have to go soon...as in NOW!

MichaelTW: That's exactly what I was saying.

LosienTW: Well...then...what are we still doing here? Let's go. Eh...where are we going anyways?

MichaelTW: We have to find TLTE before he gets to Gebohq. He things we hate him. He doesn't trust us...and he said that we're "cold."

LosienTW: Well, it is getting a little chilly. Anyways...which way are we going?

MichaelTW: Just follow me.

(LosienTW and MichealTW begin walking. LosienTW starts getting tired.)

MichaelTW: Come on. We can't stop now.

LosienTW: Are we there yet?

MichaelTW: Not yet. Almost.

(an hour goes by)

LosienTW: Are we there yet?

MichaelTW: Not yet. Almost.

LosienTW: Didn't you say that about an hour ago?

MichaelTW: Yes...but this time...we really are almost there.

LosienTW: I'm going to fall asleep pretty soon. My legs are killing me.

MichaelTW: Sing a song, dance...do something to keep yourself awake.

LosienTW: (in the worst out-of-tune voice ever..begins singing..) "There is just one moon and a golden sun, and a smile means friendship to everyone...la la la, lalala, la la la, lalala, la la, la la la la la...It's a small world after all. It's a small world after all.."

MichaelTW: (massages his forehead with his index fingers) I just got an extremely bad headache.

LosienTW: Oh..is it the song? I'm sorry. I'll stop.

MichaelTW: Thanks. I think that's what it was.

LosienTW: (stops for a while...thinks..and begins singing..) "Dre-e-e-e-eam, Dream Dream Dre-eam, Dre-e-e-e-eam, Dream Dream Dream, When I want you....in my arms...when I need you, and all your charms...whenever I want you all I have to do is Dre-e-e-eam, Dream Dream Dre-eam.."

MichaelTW: (Fed up w/ Losien's singing) What was that? I thought I heard something!

LosienTW: (Stops singing immediately) I don't hear anything.

MichaelTW: Shhh! We should be quiet...just incase that sound comes up again.

LosienTW: OK.

MichaelTW: (thinking to himself: Why didn't I say that earlier?) Keep listening for anything.

LosienTW: OK...but can I ask you a question?

MichaelTW: Sure. (w/ a smile on his face, thinking Losien is going to "pop the question")

LosienTW: Are we there yet?

(NSP: I know this was a pretty repetitive post...I didn't know what else to write...but it's a non-nonstory post..yeah! LOL)

Semievil333

07-15-2001, 05:14 PM

LTE, for over-stepping the bounds of abv. lth., w. sntnc. u. t. b. nwn. a. "Mini-T" hncfrth.

Frthrmr, gtn w/ th stry. nd. use fwr. vuls. =D

On with the story.

STW, downloading the booter, is interrupted by a chime-sound.

Voice: "Semi"

STW http://forums.massassi.net/html/frown.gifkind of creeped out) "Somebody call?"

STW goes back to downloading, and the chime comes again.

Voice: "Semi!"

STW: "Who is that!?"

Voice: "It's the NES, Semi."

STW: "Right.... Where are ya? Whaddaya want? I been good!"

NES: "I want you to build, an ARC!"

STW: "Right.... What's an arc?"

NES: "Get some wood! Build it 300 cubits by 80 cubits by 40 cubits!"

STW: "Right.... What's a cubit?"

NES: "Well, let's see, a cubit.... I used to know what that was.... Well don't worry about it Semi, when you get that done, go out into the world and collect all of the threads in the world, and put them into the arc!"

STW: "Right! Who is this really? What's goin on? How come you want me to do all these wierd things?"

NES: "I'm going to destroy the board!"

STW: "Right... Am I on candid camera? How you gonna do it?"

NES: "I'm gonna ping the server 1000 times and bring it right down!"

STW: "Right... Listen to this, you'll save bandwidth: Ping the server fourty times from two computers, and wait for the requests to back up."

NES: "Right!"

------------------
The early bird may get the worm-
but it's the second mouse who gets the cheeze.

Omnia quae specto dominavi, et tantam magnus sum, ut non specto!

The Last True Evil

07-15-2001, 09:18 PM

(Oh, so the thing with Massassi is in the Writer's Realm, huh? Right, I got it...my character is actually pretty similar in both places, now I think of it. And speaking about my character, I finally have some direction with which way he's going. Losien gave me an idea with the structure of her last post.)

*TLTETWNTH shuffles down the street, moaning and sobbing loudly.

Suddenly, he looks around. There is no one around.

He straightens up.

Brushes some lint off his shoulder..

And starts to laugh.

Not just a giggle. A full, "I've-won-the-lottery" spasmodic chuckle.*

TLTETWNTH: (Holding his wrist watch up to his face) White Stolitchka, this is Brown Husky. Come in...

*On the digital face, a ghostly image of a middle-aged Russian materialises.*

Command: Ahh...how goes the situation, TLTETWNTH?

TLTETWNTH: I've recovered the documents about Gebohq. Heading toward his current location now.

Command: Good, comrade...I've just received a brief from HQ. Our paratroopers are standing by to invade the Writer's Realm. We only need your signal that Gebohq is dead before moving in.

TLTETWNTH: Our paratroopers are ready? But...I thought our armies were divided and in total disarray!

Command: Not so, tovarish. We only needed funding...but now, our new 'benefactor' has plugged that hold for us.

TLTETWNTH: Who?

*Command leans closer to his screen, enlarging his face on the watch.*

Command: (Hushed tone) Microsoft.

TLTETWNTH: No!

Command: Their motives remain a mystery, but it's made us a very wealthy army...

TLTETWNTH: Hold on, I hear a car coming...

Command: Ah yes, your partner...Agent Krozhdonovy, as you requested.

*TLTETWNTH can see the blood-red Lambourghini pulling into his field of vision. A strikingly beautiful raven-haired woman is behind the wheel.*

Command: I must go now. Good luck, the fate of Mother Russia rests on your shoulders...

TLTETWNTH: Spasibo, comrade.

*The image fades away, just as Agent Nikki Krozhdovony pulls up to a screech next to TLTETWNTH.*

Nikki: Good evening, Agent 226.

TLTETWNTH: Likewise, Agent 498.

*He leaps into the car and holds her closely.*

Nikki: This could qualify as sexual harassment, Agent 226-

TLTETWNTH: That would only be true if you didn't enjoy it, comrade.

*She laughs, gunning the engine. TLTETWNTH loosens his grip on her and puts on his shades.*

Nikki: A standard assassination, then?

TLTETWNTH: Nothing standard about it, Nikki. This man was my friend...a long time ago.

*He pulls out the top-secret document on Gebohq.*

Nikki: So you are...opposed to his imminent demise?

*TLTETWNTH stares at Gebohq's picture for a long time, waiting for some emotion to surface; remorse, nostalgia, happiness, even envy. But nothing surfaces. His psychological training has been too effective.*

TLTETWNTH: It means nothing to me.

*He pulls out a sniper rifle from under his seat, loading it efficiently.*

Nikki: And what of these two friends you picked up?

TLTETWNTH: (Laughing) They fell for the standard emotionally-sensitive ruse. "I'm no good with women; I'm just an old-fashioned superhero!"

Nikki: You really couldn't be further from the truth, could you?

TLTETWNTH: Exactly. Not so much old-fashioned hero, than new-age villain...

Nikki: Will you kill them, too?

*TLTETWNTH thinks about it.*

TLTETWNTH: I'll come back for them.

*This isn't really an answer, but Nikki nods and speeds off down the road...*

[This message has been edited by The Last True Evil (edited July 15, 2001).]

Michael MacFarlane

07-16-2001, 06:14 AM

Michael the writer: Okay, we're here.

Losien the writer: I don't see anything. Just a burnt-out building.

Michael: Um, yeah. TLTE was inside a burnt-out building.

Losien: Oh, that's right. We'd been walking so long I'd forgotten where we were going.

(Inside the building)

Michael: Not bad.

(Losien looks at him quizzically)

Michael: (TPB reference) I'm not saying I'd like to make it my summer home, but the decor is actually quite lovely.

(Walks to filing cabinet. Opens G and leafs through files.)

Michael: (muttering) Garnet, Gary, Garrett, Geoffries... there's no Gebohq!

Losien: You sure? Look a little farther.

Michael: Alright, Ghent, Giggs, Gregersen... nope. TLTE must have taken it.

Losien: Well...

Michael: (stands bolt upright) Something's not right.

Losien: What?

Michael: I don't know what it is, but I need you to take me to Gebohq right now.

Losien

07-16-2001, 08:36 AM

LosienTW: Well, you see...I'm not really entirely sure where Geb is right.

MichaelTW: That's just great. What are we going to do?

LosienTW: We can go get something to eat..

(Looks over at Michael for approval of her suggestion)

MichaelTW: Is that all you ever think of?

LosienTW: Not all the time...but a lot of it.

MichaelTW: Don't you understand...that TLTE is going to do something...and it involves Geb. His life could be in danger right now.

LosienTW: You mean...you think he wants to kill my brother?

MichaelTW: That's what I've been saying all along. Why else would he take Geb's file...unless he was trying to locate him?

LosienTW: But...we have to save him! Eh...how are we going to do that?

MichaelTW: Well, do you have any idea where he is?

LosienTW: No. (Thinks about how she'll miss Geb so much, begins crying softly. Opens her purse taking out a tissue...and noticing her walkie-talkie) I got it!

MichaelTW: Got what?

LosienTW: This walkie-talkie. Geb and I used to play around on these all the time when we were little. I carried mine everywhere. We used to play all these tricks on people and...

MichaelTW: Anyways...what good will that do us?

LosienTW: Well, maybe Geb still carries his around. You never know.

MichaelTW: Well...you can give it a try.

LosienTW: (Speaking into the walkie-talkie) SuperShoes...do you copy? This is Los...your sis. Do you copy?

(Michael and Losien wait around in silence for a few minutes)

LosienTW: Hmm...nothing.

(Losien begins getting upset again...Michael embraces her in a big hug...neither of them notice she's holding the talk button down)

MichaelTW: Shh...it's OK. We're going to find him...and he'll be OK.

LosienTW: But what if he's not?

MichaelTW: Well...we'll at least have each other.

(Michael and Losien share that "awkward moment of silence" and Losien puts down the walkie-talkie. Silence is broken right as they were going to go for the kiss)

Voice From Walkie-Talkie: Heeee---llloooo? Is anyone there?!

LosienTW: SuperShoes...is that you?

GebTW: Call me Geb...or Bro...SuperShoes is really old.

LosienTW: I'm so glad you still have this. What are you up to?

GebTW: Well, actually...I'm in the middle of fighting off the Spooky Taco writers...so...is this important?

LosienTW: Oh no, I just wanted to see how you're doing.

MichaelTW: (Grabbing the walkie-talkie) This is Michael. This is REALLY important. (Talking at the speed of light.)TLTE was in a burnt-out Massassi building. He was looking through files on you and he took one labeled "Top Secret." I don't know what he's going to do with it but he was in such a hurry to leave. We have to do something soon. I think he's on his way to find you. I don't think his intentions are very good.

GebTW: So...you're telling me...that TLTE was in a burnt-out Massassi building. He was looking through files on me and he took one labeled "Top Secret." You don't know what he's going to do with it but he was in such a hurry to leave. We have to do something soon. You think he's on his way to find me...and that you don't think his intentions are very good?

MichaelTW: That's exactly what I said. What are we going to do?

GebTW: Well...I'm not sure. Why don't you guys come out and meet up with me...we'll decide then. My batteries are dying.

(Behind GebTW, a blood red Lambourghini pulls up and stops with a loud screech.)

MichaelTW: What was that?

GebTW: (Turns around) It's some gugg (static)

MichaelTW: Geb, I'm losing you...

(Silence from the walkie-talkie)

Gebohq

07-16-2001, 11:57 AM

(NSP: Geb thinks from the lack of advancement in story for the heroes, that the battle against the spooky taco should end soon. Now if only I oculd think of a good way...and woot! Props for the new guys, hehe.)

------------------
~Geb

Janitor Bob

07-16-2001, 12:45 PM

Okay, Geb, I'll end the Battle soon, maybe tommorow. That's what I was thinking too.

------------------
May the Windex be with you
-Janitor Jack (Salk Wars)

Losien

07-16-2001, 02:04 PM

(Great minds think alike. :-))

TheSoftParade

07-16-2001, 07:54 PM

Al and Zelma(from THE OLD PEOPLE STRIKE BACK) trudge in and complain that their families never call them anymore, have accidents and leave.

------------------
The Soft Parade has now begun
Listen to the engines hum
People out to have some fun
A cobra on my left
Leopard on my right

The Last True Evil

07-16-2001, 08:28 PM

(My God, this whole writer/hero thing is complex. Are the two meant to be in parallel the whole time? I.E. The hero is doing battle, therefore so is the writer.

I'm going to assume that the last post, in which Gebohq was captured, was OK with Geb. Of course, there's a good chance it isn't, so just ignore this post if it's a problem.)

*GebohqTW, still quite stunned, is dragged kicking and trying to scream through his duct-tape gag to a darkened corner of the battlefield, as the Spooky Taco and NeS writers continue to do battle.*

TLTETWNTH: Greetings, Gebohq. Remember your old Rusky comrade?

*GebohqTW's eyes widen.*

GebohqTW: Mmf? (You?)

TLTETWNTH: Da, old friend. Sorry things had to come to this...oh, wait! No I'm not!

*He throws his head back and laughs maniacally and completely unnecessarily.*

GebohqTW: Mff rummi MM m fubbn mub! (You really ARE a villain now!)

TLTETWNTH: But of course. I'm the prototype of a new Soviet psychological conditioning program...the "Sociopaths of Tomorrow" centre. Guaranteed to turn even the sweetest cherub (like I was) into your worst nightmare...

GebohqTW: Mmi mmr mmf fibbneppn mff? (Why are you kidnapping me?)

TLTETWNTH: Oh, silly, silly Gebohq! I'm not here to kidnap you!

*He pulls out a revolver.*

TLTETWNTH: I'm here to kill you.

*Gebohq tries, unsuccessfully, to gasp through the gag.*

GebohqTW: Mmt mmi? (But why?)

TLTETWNTH: The friend you knew, Gebohq, is dead. Soviet conditioning killed him. I am the new TLTE, and I'm here to stay. But...enough chitter-chatter.

*TLTETWNTH opens the revolver, revealing six empty chambers. He slides in one round, and grins.*

TLTETWNTH: I'm sure you're familiar with this game from my country...

*Suddenly, he slaps the revolver, spinning it around rapidly. With a quick jerk of his wrist, he snaps the revolver back in and points it at GebohqTW's head.*

TLTETWNTH: Spasibo.

*He pulls the trigger.*

!CLICK!

*Slightly disappointed, TLTETWNTH forces a smile.*

TLTETWNTH: You're still as lucky as I remember you...but don't worry, I have a feeling it will run out soon-

*Suddenly, the Lambourghini speeds up next to Gebohq and TLTE. Nikki beckons to get in.*

Nikki: New orders. We have the target, let's go!

*TLTETWNTH stares at her, then leers at GebohqTW.*

TLTETWNTH: We'll finish later, da?

*He throws the tied-up Gebohq into the car, then leaps in himself. Seconds later, they are speeding off toward the Russian staging base of operations...*

[This message has been edited by The Last True Evil (edited July 16, 2001).]

Michael MacFarlane

07-16-2001, 09:46 PM

(NSP: Well, what to do? Geb's been kidnapped, Michael and Losien have no idea where he was or what happened. Ah, no worries. It's impossible to ruin the Neverending Story.)

Janitor Bob

07-17-2001, 07:50 AM

NSP: Can you not Write about the Spooky Taco battle or the Writers in the Spooky Taco office. Thanks. I'm working on that right now.

------------------
May the Windex be with you
-Janitor Jack (Salk Wars)

Janitor Bob

07-17-2001, 09:44 AM

Shoot. I spent almost an hour typing up a reply, but then forgot to save it. I'll do the finale tommorow. Just work on other parts for now.

------------------
May the Windex be with you
-Janitor Jack (Salk Wars)

Krig the Viking

07-17-2001, 10:12 PM

*The Prison. Otter the Writer (hey, that rhymes!) Sits on the bed patiently, waiting for his dear friends who would never forget about him to come bail him out. Meanwhile, Butch and Mr. T have found some chalk and are playing hopscotch.*

Butch:"Hop...hop...hop...ha! I win!"

Mr. T:"You stepped onna line, foo'!"

Butch:"I didn' step on no line! I won fair an' square!"

Mr. T:"I saw you step onna line, foo'! You gonna be questionin' me?"

*Butch flips out a switchblade*

Butch:"I didn' step on no line, y'hear me?!"

Otter the Writer:"Quiet! Someone's coming!"

*Butch and Mr. T quickly erase the chalk on the floor, as the sound of shoes comes closer. Masseto the Writer, Randy the Writer, and Cooked Haggis the Writer appear outside of the bars, as a guard opens the cell door.*

Otter the Writer:"Masseto, Randy, you've come to free me!"

*The guard shoves Randy, Masseto, and Cooked the Writers into the cell and slams shut the door.*

Otter the Writer:"Dagnabit!"

Randy the Writer:"I get top bunk!"

*Randy jumps to get into the top bunk, and runs into Butch's stomach.*

Butch:"Top bunk is mine!"

Mr. T:"Hey, foo'! I won the hopscotch game! I get top bunk!"

*Butch flips out his switchblade*

Butch:"I didn' step on no line, y'hear me?!"

*As Butch and Mr. T go over the finer points of hopscotch, Otter the Writer speaks to his fellow writers*

Otter the Writer:"What're you guys in for?"

Masseto the Writer:"Uh, well, we were buying donuts in order to help get you out of jail..."

Randy the Writer:"I wanted assorted, but nooooooooo..."

Masseto the Writer:"Anyway, we were looking through the donuts..."

Cooked the Writer:"I still say we should have went with chocolate."

Masseto the Writer:"And then these cops came and arrested us."

Otter the Writer:"Just like that? For no reason?"

Masseto the Writer:"Uh...."

*An awkward silence reigns for a short eternity*

Randy the Writer:"Well there were no bathrooms nearby and I really had to go! What was I supposed to do?!"

How will our intrepid writers escape this fiasco? Will it be through ingenuity, cunning, and daring? Or plain old stupid luck? Will our Heroes in the Heroes' World/Realm/Place ever defeat the Spooky Taco? Or will they be doomed to wait, forever battling that evil denzien of Hell, whilst the high and mighty Janitor Bob laughs and taunts the world with the false promise of a satisfying conclusion of the Spooky Taco/Video Game story arc? My, but that was a long sentence! Tune in next time, and don't forget to give all your money to the Church of NES!

------------------
The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world that he wasn't real.

Janitor Bob

07-18-2001, 09:06 AM

*In the Heroes realm, the battle with the Spooky Taco continues to drag on... and on... and on...*

*TLTETH (The last true evil the hero, as opposed to The last true evil the writer, and The Last True Evil Not the Writer) had gotten so bored that he, thirsting for some PvP action, had attacked Geb. Geb now lays in a catatonic state behind the bleachers. Attempting to revenge Geb, Mike and Losien chase after TLTETH with conc rifles.*

*Randomly, for now reason at all except for plot convenience, the heroes had found themselves un-yodified*

*Dart Wader gave a lisp of disgust at all this nonsense. Antestarr was so engulfed in levetating the Spooky Taco, that he didn't notice Dart Wader sneaking... er... clumping, up behind him. Dart Wader ignited his speech-impidement Saber with a hithhh. He clumsily swung it through the air and into Ante. Ante's arm 3DO "humorously" flies off, and he respawns at the other end of the arena. The Spooky Taco was now free to continue to release it's unholy power upon the horror stricken citizens of the Interactive Story Board.*
------------------

*In the Spooky Taco writer's office the battle drags on also. Lordvader grabs Ante, who drops Overglow. He then casually tossed Ante across the room, who spun to a halt on a smooth coffee table.*

Janitor Bob the writer: Hey... wait a minute. I just realized something. With Geb gone, this is Three against Four! That's not fair.

Wuss (pointing at Rabid): Yeah, but one of us is just a platypus.

Janitor Bob the Writer: Well, true, but-

Overglow: Kant staup mee STOOPIDHEDS!

lordvader: Enough of this pointless banter. Enough of this playing around. It's time that we settle this.

*The heroes nod. Janitor Bob runs up to Fight Wuss. Ante is left to deal with lordvader and Overglow. Rabid Platypus leaps visciously at Krig's jugular. Krig catches the platypus right before it can latch on to Krig's neck*

No Australian animals were harmed in the making of this story. Well, at least not any cute ones

Janitor Bob the Writer (throwing an uppercut at Wuss, but missing): You shoulda stuck to Toaster threads!

Wuss (taunting): Yeah. Well, they don't call me WUSS for nothing.
-----------------------

*In the Massassi NES writer's office, Sem, pausing in his ark building (?!?), finds Hacker-Booter, hacks through the firewall, initiates the download, waits several minutes, Un-zips the file, and hits the Install button*

Installation Wizard: A copy of this program was already found on your system. Proceed?

*Cursing, Sem exits the wizard and opens the already installed Hacker-Booter. He searches for the Good Guys Versus the Spooky Taco game.*
---------------

*In the CyberArena (tm), Ante sneaks, crawling through the shallow water-flagged mud, sneaks up to the Spooky Taco.*

*He searches his inventory for something that might help him*

Ante: Hmm... wax lips... american flag... prosthetic head... Singularity Gun... rubber-chicken-with-a-pulley-in-the-middle... SINGULARITY GUN!*

*Ante pulls out his Singularity Gun, which is easily the size of a Battleship Gun. Looking at all the pretty flashing lights, he notices one says: Charging Complete*

*Letting out an audible: Wahoo!, Ante readies the gun*

----------
*Ante the Writer, running up from behind, pushes lordvader. lordvader trips and falls over Overglow, knocking them both down. Ante walks up to them and takes out a long coil of rope.*

Ante: I'm afraid, I'm going to have to restrain you too. I wouldn't want you to hurt yourselves.

---------------

Ante (to the Spooky Taco): It's time... *Ante disables the safety*... you met... *Ante raises the gun, and the crosshairs are filled with the looming bulk of the Taco*... your destiny. *Ante slowly... dileberately... mercilessly... pulls the trigger*

*Immediatelly, a quantum signal is sent down the Spiral loops of the Madula Oblongater, activating the Flux Degenerating mechanism, powering the Random Sci-Fi Word and Technological name generator, which in turn closed the Heat Clamtromantric Combustion Valve, which produced a final and audible: Click*

*Ante looks at the gun more closely and notices that the Energy Capsule is missing*

Ante: Aw, Crud.

*The click from the gun alerts the Spooky Taco, who turns and stares at Ante.*

Ante: Aw, Crud.

-------------

*Ante seperates the coil of rope, and the coil of rope separates. Into numerous small little pieces. On closer examination the rope says: Majic Rope™. For the aspiring Magician.*

Ante: Aw, crud.

*Overglow, gets up and looks at Ante with wild eyes. He reaches into his pocket, and then slowly pulls out a shiny, chrome, Magnum*

Overglow: Mabee I shud blo yor brians owt uv teh hed! LOLOL.

Ante: Aw, crud.
-----------

*Janitor Bob, trips over a patch of level ground in the Cyber Arena™*

*Groaning and rolling, over, he notices a Cylinder full of swirling mystical energies. While on first inspection, the Cylinder just looks like a canister of Hyperactive Windex. Bob looks at it closer. It says: Pure Energy™. Surgeon Generals Warning: Do not Ingest*

*Bob eyes the Spooky Taco, and starts calculating his Quadratics.*
------------------

*Across the room, Janitor Bob misses a large swing at Wuss, and runs into the Bookshelf. After the bookshelf wobbles, a large thick, Family-Bible sized, book lands in Bob's arm. It's titled: Warner's Grammer. 4th edition*
------------------

*Janitor Bob lobs the Energy Canister through the air.*
-----------------

*Sem selects the Spooky Taco in Hacker Booter and pushes: Kick*
-------------------

*Bob the Writer flings the Book at Overglow as hard as he can*
-------------------

*The energy Canister hits the Taco and explodes. A large Blue Orb o' Energy™ slowly expands out from the Taco, hydrogen bomb style. Our heroes only escape the blast by diving into nearby plot holes.*
------------------

*A message comes up on Hacker Booter which says: Spooky Taco, succsessfully kicked*
------------------

*The Book hits Overglow with tremendous speed. Overglow's gun flies through the air, and lands in Ante's pocket. Overglow himself falls to the ground with a satisfying 'thud'.
A large lump the size of baseball throbs on his head*

Janitor Bob: Well, THAT succsessfully punctuated his participle!

Ante: Well done. Krig, you call the HEMP squad. We have our culprit.
--------------------

*Our heroes step out of the plot holes and watch as the fragments of Lettuce and Taco shell rain down upon the arena. A particularly large tomato chunk lands on Dart Wader, pinning him. Bob sighs.

Janitor Bob: It's times like this... that really show what TRUE happiness is.

*Now what?*

------------------
May the Windex be with you
-Janitor Jack (Salk Wars)

[This message has been edited by Janitor Bob (edited July 18, 2001).]

Semievil333

07-18-2001, 03:53 PM

STW, stares at his computer screen, mesmerized. A mystical swirl holds center screen.

STW: ooooo aaaaa ooooo aaaaa

Suddenly the screen speaks: "Semi!"

STW: "Here I am!"

Screen: "Take off your sandals, for the place where you are standing is hallowed ground!"

STW: "But... I'm wearing sneakers!"

Screen: "Do not question the power of the NES!!!"

STW: "eep! okies"

NES: "I am the thread of your characters: Geb, Semi and Krig."

STW: "What about Maybe and Ares and Otter?"

NES: "What IS it with you? Have you built the arc yet? No? Then SHADDAP!!! Now where was I? Oh yes, in order to get the posts to fill the arc, you must lead them out of bondage on the message board, and away from the one-post thread enders who are oppressing them. Come, I will send you to The Spooky Taco, to lead the posts out of Massassi!"

STW: "This sounds hard..."

Suddenly the message board is pinged twice.

STW: "Right right, buildin the arc, freein the threads, piece of cake, right right!"

------------------
The early bird may get the worm-
but it's the second mouse who gets the cheeze.

Omnia quae specto dominavi, et tantam magnus sum, ut non specto!

Gebohq

07-18-2001, 11:24 PM

BobTW: Hey, why is Sem staring at his computer screen like that?

MaybeTW: He's been staring like that for the past hour now.

AnteTW: And there isn't a single nude picture of Laetitia Casta on there. Wierd...

------------------
~Geb

The Last True Evil

07-19-2001, 09:06 PM

(Did someone mention toaster threads??? Oh look, it's Wuss! He may remember me by my toaster alias, Absolver...*much cackling*)

*TLTETH, LosienTH and MichaelTH leap back and forth among the bleachers, firing relentlesly at each other. Losien and Michael blast again and again with their concussion rifles, while TLTE flips backward and forward, spinning and returning fire with his dual silenced 9mm's. As they fight, one can barely hear Gebohq gurgling behind them, lying in a comatose state.*

Geb: Urrgghhlll....(drools a bit and falls unconscious)

*Suddenly, TLTETH fires rapidly and scores a hit on LosienTH's shoulder. She shrieks and tumbles to the ground.*

MichaelTH: NOOOO!!!

*He leaps up into the air and lands three flying bicycle-kicks to TLTETH's head, Matrix-style. TLTE staggers, then kicks Michael twice, one sending him flying vertically up, the other launching him into the bleachers thirty feet away.*

TLTETH: Ignorant husky dog! Did you seriously believe that a mere man like yourself could defeat the pride and joy of Mother Russia?

*He rushes over to Michael, who, supporting himself on one hand, delivers two brutal kicks to TLTE's chest. TLTE falls backwards, over the bleachers, into the main arena.*

Michael: Well...yes.

*He somersaults over the bleachers, standing over TLTE's broken, still form.*

Michael: We could have been friends...

*Suddenly, TLTETH leaps up and grabs Michael's throat. Michael's eyes bulge, and he punches at TLTE, but his grip is like steel, and he will not release him.*

TLTETH: Far too late for that...

!MEANWHILE!

*LosienTH regains consciousness, and gazes out at the stadium. She panics immediately-Michael has turned a dull shade of blue, and is dangerously close to asphyxiation.*

LosienTH: Too weak to....save him...need a...weapon...

*Her eyes suddenly fall on Gebohq. He still hasn't recovered from TLTE's surprise attack. LosienTH rustles around in the bottomless pockets of Geb and pulls out a .50 caliber sniper rifle.*

LosienTH: Now I'll fix you...you sneaky Russian!

!BACK IN THE ARENA!

*TLTETH is laughing maniacally, as the last of MichaelTH's strength leaves him, when he is hit in the back of the head with a .50 caliber sniper rifle. TLTE doesn't completely release his grip, but it is loosened enough for Michael to breathe in, regain some strength, and knee him in the groin.*

TLTE: ...

*He staggers forward, past MichaelTH. Losien leaps down, tentatively testing out her wounded shoulder.*

MichaelTH: You saved my life!

*He gives her a huge hug. Losien squeals in pain.*

Michael: Oh, right. The shoulder. (sheepishly) Sorry.

TLTETH: Yo! Lovebirdies!

*They both turn, synchronising their glares at TLTE, who strikes a kung-fu pose.*

TLTETH: What is the Americanism? Uh..Oh yeah; "Let's boogie".

*They leap at each other...*

[This message has been edited by The Last True Evil (edited July 19, 2001).]

Janitor Bob

07-20-2001, 10:36 AM

*The Last True Evil the Writer rushes through the Silicon Valley airport, past Zelma and Ed, past the Jerky Vending Machine, and to the Ticket Office, important Documents in hand*

*While other countries were working on maintaining their Economy and their Quality of life, Russia had been working on controversial secret scientific experiments. Besides the obligatory experiments involving Dinosaur DNA and the experiments dealing with cryogenically frozen alien embryos, they had also experimented in the field of cloning. After cloning multiple sheep, the Russians, unfettered by “silly predispositions of ‘morality’” had decided to clone humans. They had successfully cloned several Homo Sapiens, before they had to shut the operations down due to FDA regulations. Each time the Russians cloned, they subtly changing the personality of the subjects, thus creating iterations including, The Last True Evil the Writer, The Last True Evil Not the Writer, The Last True Evil the Hero, the Last True Evil the Life Insurance Salesman, The Last True Evil the Ketchup Packet Distribution Technician, etc. Yes, LT evil was a clone. The Russians had found that clones were great in Espionage because in that field, the only person that you could trust was- yourself. At this moment both LT Evil the Writer and LT Evil not the Writer were both Russians spies.*

*And right now LT Evil the Writer had in his possession Gebohq’s secret files, The Microsoft Secret Plans o’ World Domination (which he had picked out of Losien’s pocket right before he got slapped), and the Secret Toyota repair manual to boot. For many years the Russians had been far behind the American’s in the Interactive Story Department. Ever since The Kasparov Toasters, the Russian Interactive Story Industry had been on the downslide. But with Gebohq’s secret files, the Soviets could figure out the key to a the Successful Interactive Story thread, and once again have Interactive Story boards that were feared and admired by enemy and ally alike.*

*TLTETW had been commanded by his leader, Audrey Iosoffechekov’Golvokovichesegeyakatovo Popov (or simply, ‘Ivan’) to return to Russia with these documents. TLTENTW would take care of disposing with the witnesses. As he was about to do with Gebohq*

*At the front desk LT evil checks out tickets 7 different flights on 7 different airlines with 7 different aliases (LT evil, LT evil the Writer, The Last True Evil , The Last True Evil the Writer, TLTE, TLTETW, and The Last True Evil Was Here) He checks out one ticket for Communist Soviet Russian Secret Intelligence Airlines under the name of ‘Ms. Fire’.*

*A bored front desk employee, with a Nametag that says: Martha, scans the tickets that TLTETW had purchased.*

Martha: I’m very sorry, Ms. Fire, but the incoming flight from Communist Soviet Russian Secret Intelligence Airlines, has been delayed due to a 17% chance of light afternoon showers at O’hare.

TLTETW (cursing): Aw, Rodina!

Martha: I’m sorry, ma’am.

TLTETW (out of character): Oh, well, I’m sure they’re just stallin’. Heh. Get it. Russian Airline. Stallin’. Stalin. HA HA HA!! Whew, I just crack myself up.

Martha: Yes, ma’am. Now if you’ll just sit in that seat far away from me, and wait for your airline please.

*Will, TLTETW escape with the important documents? Or will the inconveniences of Modern Air Travel save the day? Is everybody confused about which TLTE is which? The answer lies somewhere in this familiar place in the future…*

------------------
May the Windex be with you
-Janitor Jack (Salk Wars)

Losien

07-20-2001, 11:33 AM

(NSP: Janitor Bob..great post..:-)...and I forgot to tell you I really liked the last one too (honestly...:-)) Now...if only I could think of something. *sigh*)

The Last True Evil

07-20-2001, 09:31 PM

(LoL that was terrific, Bob! I'd post about your character, if I had the slightest clue what the hell was going on...ah well.)

*Meanwhile, in an elitist appartment block on the Upper East Side of New York, two clean-cut, man-and-woman thirtysomething FBI agents knock politely but firmly on one of the doors. Eventually, a well-dressed man smoking a pipe answers the door.*

Man: (Thick British accent) Eh...Good evening...

Woman: (No-nonsense American accent) Are you Sir Last True Evil the Successful Billionaire, Jazz Pianist and acclaimed Author?

LTE: SLTETSBJPAAA will do.

*The man steps closer to TLTE and flashes a badge.*

Man: Sir, I'm Agent Gruff. This is my partner, agent Hazy. We're FBI. We need to ask you a few questions.

SLTETSBJPAAA: It's about my 'brothers', isn't it?

*The Agents nod sternly.*

SLTETSBJPAAA: Do come in, won't you?

*Minutes later, the three are assembled around the fireplace. SLTETSBBJPAAA is staring reflectively into the dancing flames. The two Agents, seated in plush chairs, are eyeing him intently.*

SLTETSBJPAAA: Which one of them is in trouble then?

Agent Hazy: The ones you call TLTETW, TLTENTW and TLTETH. They're caught up in a Russian plot to overthrow the Interactive Story Industry in their favour.

SLTETSBJPAAA: Oh, them...I would have thought TLTETIGT would be giving you the most trouble.

Agent Gruff: TLTETIGT?

SLTETSBJPAAA: The Last True Evil The Insane, Godless Terrorist...don't worry, he'll pop up.

Agent Hazy: Sir, with all due respect, what do you know about these LTE's?

*SLTETSBJPAAA sighs, puffs a billow of smoke into the air, discards his pipe and talks, still staring into the fireplace.*

SLTETSBJPAAA: They work for the Russian government. They've been spies since their creation. When they were making us, the Russians bought a few hundred of us for their latest 'psychological training programs'.

*He pauses.*

SLTETSBJPAAA: They were the only survivors.

Agent Hazy: My God...

Agent Gruff: SLTETSBJPAAA, how many LTE's are there?

*He shrugs.*

SLTETSBJPAAA: Thousands? Hundreds of thousands? Maybe more...does it really matter?

*The Agents gape at him.*

Agent Hazy: Where are they all?

SLTETSBJPAAA: Hidden...waiting...waiting for the Return.

Agent Gruff: Return? Of what?

SLTETSBJPAAA: Him. The One. The Original. The Last True Evil.

Agent Hazy: The man whose DNA created all of you?

SLTETSBJPAAA: Yes. It is prophesised that His Return will raise a great army of LTE's to take over the world.

Agent Gruff: You mean that...out there...a massive army of LTE's wait for their original copy to arrive, signalling their rise to rule the world?

SLTETSBJPAAA: Precisely, old boy.

Agent Hazy: Good God.

Agent Gruff: Where is he? The original, I mean...

SLTETSBJPAAA: It is prophesised that he lies, frozen, in the Himalayas, thawing for untold decades...but soon! Soon he will return, and our Rise will begin...

Agent Hazy: SLTE...when will he return?

SLTETSBJPAAA: It is prophesised that he will return....in three days.

Agent Hazy: Good God.

Agent Gruff: Put out an APB, Hazy. Arrest any LTE's on sight. We're going to the Himalayas to stop this world domination from happening.

SLTETSBJPAAA: What about me, old boy?

Agent Hazy: SLTETSBJPAAA, you are under arrest.

SLTETSBJPAAA: For what?

Agent Hazy: For being a Last True Evil.

*She drags him off.*

SLTETSBJPAAA: STOP! YOU CAN'T WIN! IN THREE DAYS, THIS WILL ALL BE CHANGED! YOU WILL ALL BE OUR SLAVES! WAHHH HA HA HA HA HA *cough cough* HAAAAA!

Agent Gruff: We might already be too late to stop them...

Agent Hazy: (Outside) Good God.

Janitor Bob

07-21-2001, 11:32 AM

*Groggily, Geb opens his eyes. He finds himself in a dank, dusty, stuffy room, with a lit lightbulb hanging down on a bare copper wire. The Last True Evil Not the Writer, paces, sharpening a gleaming knife. A crude cigar clamped between his teeth emits a kind of green smog previously only associated with San Fransico. Geb the Writer lies on a hard table, with chemical lasers wedged between his legs, his finger, his toes, and his ears. One move and the lasers might cause severe pain and emotional anguish*

LT evil Not the Writer: Don't try anything sudden.

Geb the Writer: I wouldn't worry about that.

LT evil Not the Writer: Heh. Da.

Geb the Writer: It was alot funnier when something like this happened to one of the characters I have written about.

LT evil Not the Writer: It always is. It always is.

Geb the Writer: You know... these lasers are not good for the wood finish on this table.

LT evil Not the Writer: Wood finish does not concern me, Comrade Geb.

Geb the Writer: Do you expect me to die?

LT evil Not the Writer(laughing): No, Mr. Geb. I expect you to escape in a violent implausible action sequence!

Geb the Writer: Well, I could use a little help then.

LT evil Not the Writer: No, comrade. I have learned not to place to much on my expectations.

Geb the Writer: But... you are going to try to kill me, huh?

LT evil Not the Writer: Da. Of course.

Geb the Writer: How?

LT evil Not the Writer: Something appropriatelly slow and painful.

LT evil Not the Writer(eyeing the cigar): Second hand smoke inhalation?

LT evil Not the Writer: Close. You are are a writer, are you not?

Geb the Writer: Uh... no?

LT evil Not the Writer: Well, not for very long. Since you are a writer, I thought that your death should be something appropriate, Da?

Geb the Writer: Nyet!

LT evil Not the Writer: So I decided I would give you... *TLTETW holds up a printed up edition of the Never Ending Story Thread.* Death... by... paper cuts!

Geb the Writer: I knew I should have taken that job as a Teen Pop music Star instead...
-----------------

*Meanwhile, Mike and Losien the Writers are panicking.*

Losien the Writer: I can't believe this... he betrayed us! Who could have ever expected...

Mike the Writer: Maybe the fact that he was called 'The Last True Evil' should have tipped us off to his unloyal nature.

Losien the Writer: Good point.

Mike the Writer: We've got to stop the Last True Evil the Writer from delivering the documents to Russia!

Losien the Writer: Huh... where'd you hear about this?

*Mike the Writer holds up a small thin pamphlet with diagonal black and yellow lines*

Mike the Writer: The NES Cliff Notes!

Losien the Writer: Does this 'cliff notes'... tell how TLTETW is going to get to Russia?

Mike the Writer: Nope, these are the abriged cliff notes.

Losien: Ah... well... he's probably most likely at the Silicon Valley Airport-

*Mike, laughing, shakes his head condenscendingly.*

Mike the Writer: Losien... Losien... Losien... That's just what he WANT'S you to think. This guy is a professional. He isn't going to do something as predictable as going to the airport. He's most likely at the Silicon Valley Shipping Port, stowing away on some barge, getting ready to sail over to Russia.

Losien: Uh... isn't Silicon Valley inland?

Mike the Writer: That's not important!

*Mike hails a Taxi and he and Losien both get in the back seat. Mike, taking the male dominative role, gives the driver money and tells him to go to the Silicon Valley Shipping Port, and step on it.*
----------------

*Maybe the Writer, types up a very long, profound, gripping, and side-splittingly hilarious post, that she had been working on for several consecutive days. Just as she is about to hit the 'Submit Reply' button, the computer blinks off.*
-----------------

*Meanwhile, the Last True Evil Not the Writer raises the Never Ending Story paper high above his head*

TLTENTW: SO LONG, COMRADE GEBOHQ!

*Suddenly, the lasers surrounding Geb the Writer, disappear. At the same time, the light shuts off, plunging the room into complete and utter blackness*

TLTENTW: Curse those Rolling Blackouts!

*Taking his chance, Geb leaps off the table and starts to sprint forward. He immeadiately runs into a metal cabinet and fall down.*

TLTENTW: I can't see a thing! Ach! I knew I should have worn my 'Glow-in-the-Dark Buzz Lightyear T-Shirt' today!

*Straining his ear for the sound of Geb, TLTENTW hears a rustling in the distance. Swinging his Klobb around, he fires in the direction of the sound*

Sound: MEOW!!

TLTENTW: Okay, that wasn't him...

*Will Losien and Mike the Writers, stop the transfer of Documents to Russia? Will Maybe the Writer retype her tragically lost post? Will Geb escape under the cover darkness? Will George Bush use the blackouts as an excuse to drill for oil in the Northern Alaskan terratories, thus destroying the habitats of millions of innocent endearing Penguins, despite the fact that Penquins live in Antarctica, not in Alaska? Find out next time, on The Never Ending Story Thread- The Directors Cut*

------------------
May the Windex be with you
-Janitor Jack (Salk Wars)

CookedHaggis

07-21-2001, 05:31 PM

*Butch, Mr T, Masseto the writer, Randy the writer and CookedHaggis the writer are still in prison thanks to a lack of interest by the writers*

Mr T: "I pity the foo' who doesn't bust me outta prison."

Otter the writer: "So the cops flung you in jail for peeing in the street? That's harsh."

Masseto the writer: "..Uh...well not exactly the street precisely...er...more sort of on the copper's leg..."

OTW: "His leg?"

MTW: "We were drunk!"

Cooked and Randy the writers: "We?"

MTW: "Well it would've been "we" if I hadn't been the only one to try the new "whiskey" doughnut..."

OTW: "Whiskey?"

RTW: "Part of their new scheme to get around alcohol licensing laws."

OTW: "Oh."

*The writers sit around looking bored*

MTW: "No digital TV? And they call this a prison, rats wouldn't live here!"

Butch: "Well y'all better ge' used to it, I don' wan' no whinin' from ye..."

OTW: "It's alright, by my calculations we'll be out of here by the end of this post."

RTW: "How do you figure that?"

OTW: "Well otherwise there'd be no point in this post- we'd just end up back where we started without advancing the plot or having an excuse for an action sequence."

RTW: "Oh."

--------------------------------------------

*In the mean time (oooh, look at that, I managed to avoid using "meanwhile"), Geb is franticly trying to recall scenes from various James Bond flicks to see what to do in this situation. Unfortunately, due to Geb's rather...selective..viewing habits, the only scenes he can remember tend to involve two people of the opposite sex...*

TLTENTW: "You won't be able to get out of here alive Mr. Geb!"

GTW: "Actually, judging by the rest of the story, I think I will...*he thinks*...that was just a ploy so that you could find out where I was hiding wasn't it?"

TLTENTW: "No, but thanks for the idea. Muahahahaha..."

GTW: "It's just that...."

TLTENTW: "Quiet, I'm in the middle of my evil laughter..."

Krig the Viking

07-21-2001, 09:55 PM

(While we're all complimenting everybody else on how well they write, I'd just like to take the time to say that every post on this past page sucked horribly, and was the opposite of funny, except for those written by Janitor Bob, Michael MacFarlane, Gebohq, Losien, The Last True Evil, Semievil, and Cooked Haggis. Thank you.)

*Krig calmly walks through the polygonal chaos reigning in the CyberArena™, oblivious to the smashings and crashings resulting from the titanic battle between TLTETH and Michael MacLongname.*

Krig:"Krig hungry. Krig want food."

*Krig walks over to the nearest wall of the CyberArena™, and begins gnawing on a large, glowing red button set into the wall that says "QUIT GAME".*

Krig:"Grrrr..."

*TLTETH and Michael MacLongname engage in some highly choreographed Kung Fu Fighting, throwing in the odd gratuitous explosion just for fun. Losien keeps shooting at TLTETH, and hits Michael MacLongname every time.*

Losien:"Oh no! I'm sorry Michael! I was aiming at TLTETH! I didn't mean to shoot you in your pinky toe, your left ear, or your right nostril!"

Micheal MacLongname (in mid-kung fu move):"That's all right honey! Just aim better next time!"

*Krig, finding that it is impossible to gnaw on something with a polygonal mouth that does not open, switches to bashing his head against the big red button labeled "QUIT GAME". Antestarr strolls up behind him, looking on curiously.*

Ante:"Hey, you sure you should be doing that?"

Krig:"Krig... *wham* smash... *wham* smash...*wham*"

*Suddenly, as a result of Krig smashing his head on the large red button, the button slides in, and the game winks out of existance. Replacing the CyberArena™, our heroes now stand in a vast inky blackness.*

Geb:"Ah! It's dark! It's too dark! The darkness! Get it away from me! Ah!"

*Cooked Haggis lifts the virtual reality helmet off of Geb's head, allowing him to see.*

Geb:"Ah. Yes. I knew that. I was just testing you! Ha! And you failed! Ha!"

Cooked Haggis (in snooty Waiter voice):"I see..."

What will happen now that our heroes are no longer in the virtual reality thingy they were in for so long? Will they continue with their lives as usual? Of course they will, although "their lives as usual" usually means lots of explosions and expensive things being broken. Tune in somtime in the future for updates!

------------------
Read the Bible, it'll scare the hell out of you.

The Last True Evil

07-22-2001, 06:16 AM

TLTETH, MichaelTH and LosienTH stand in total darkness, within the destroyed VR game.*

MichaelTH: Well, this put a real dampener on our action-packed high-intensity battle.

LosienTH: True, true.

MichaelTH: Still, now we know he's evil, we can beat the stuffing out of him, even in inky blackness.

*The two heroes advance on TLTETH, who calmly reaches into his pocket, expecting to pull out an AK-47. Instead, he pulls out an AK-47-shaped mass of nothing.*

TLTETH: Of course...we need to program in weapons, fighting styles, etc. We're just our normal selves! Which, I suppose, is a contradiction in terms-

*MichaelTH, not listening, leaps into the air with a kung-fu scream, initiating a roundhouse flying kick to TLTETH's temple. Instead, he pulls virtually every muscle in both legs and lands on his head, somehow, knocking himself out.*

LosienTH: Michael! NO!

*She leans over him, then glares up at TLTETH, eyes blazing.*

LosienTH: YOU! You made him knock himself out! You...you did some sneaky Russian mind-trick, I don't know! You must die!

*She runs up to TLTETH and, with a skilled jerk of her wrist, punches him square on the cheek. The blow staggers TLTETH, and breaks four of LosienTH's fingers. LosienTH, a big softie at heart, copes with the immense pain in her hand for 2.8 seconds and passes out.*

TLTETH: Uhhh...

*Rubbing his cheek, TLTETH surveys his work.*

TLTETH: 2 seasoned fighters, both knocked clean out in...(checks watch) just about 30 seconds. A new personal record!

*Calmly, he reaches for where he guesses his headset to be, leaving the three dazed protagonists in his wake...*

!MEANWHILE, IN THE WRITER'S REALM!

*TLTENTW stalks up and down the corridors of the Soviet building, Klobb in hand.*

TLTENTW: (Shouting) This is stupid, Gebohq, even for you...even if you somehow make it past me and my Klobb, this is the Russian staging base! There are over 3,000 troops in this building, probably more on the way.

*Somewhere close, Gebohq's voice drifts back.*

GebohqTW: I will not fight you, TLTENTW...there's still good in you, past the Russian brainwashing....

TLTENTW: Sorry, comrade...the Last True Evil that you knew is dead. The last remnants of him lay in the Himalayas, to be unfrozen in three days to take over the world.

GebohqTW: Say what?

TLTENTW: Da, tovarish. My clone is already half the world away, delivering top-secret documents to the Russian government that will ensure their global domination. From there, a few simple strings are pulled, and the Russian government becomes the LTE government! MWAAAH HA HA HA HAHHHH...

*GebohqTW bursts out of the door next to TLTENTW, and screams melodramatically.*

GebohqTW: NEVERRRRRR!!!

*He tackles TLTENTW to the ground, and they struggle for the gun. Eventually, TLTENTW comes out on top, and points the gun at Gebohq's head.*

TLTENTW: DIE-

*Suddenly, a middle-aged woman bustles through the door Geb charged out.*

Lady: Mr. TLTENTW, sir, you have a call waiting on Line 2-

TLTENTW: (turning his head) Not now, Edna!

*GebohqTW notices the Magnum in TLTENTW's hip holster and pulls it out, cocking it and pointing it at TLTENTW.*

TLTENTW: So...a stand-off, eh? Do you feel lucky?

GebohqTW: Geez, this guy's a walking cliche...

Will TLTETH escape from the combined powers of GebohqTH, LosienTH and MichaelTH? Will the original Last True Evil return and take over the world? Will GebohqTW break through TLTENTW's psychological programming or just shoot the *******? Will Losien and Michael get married in both realms with an extra degree of sappiness? And why do all my sentences (except for this one) start with "Will" and end in a question mark? At least 1.526 of these questions will be answered in future posts of the NeS!!!

[This message has been edited by The Last True Evil (edited July 22, 2001).]

Janitor Bob

07-22-2001, 05:29 PM

*TLTETW, who is supposed to be halfway across the world, is only at his connecting flight in Seattle.*

*He is yelling at another Airline Employee, who coincedentally is also named Martha. (Wherever there is inconviniance, Martha will be there)*

TLTETW: What do you mean my luggage didn't make the flight?

Martha: I'm sorry, si... (looks at ticket)... er... ma'am, but these things just happen, you know. Here, to apologize for the inconviance I'll give you this claim card. With this card you can get a free bag of peanuts on your next flight. There. Doesn't that make you feel better.

TLTETW: I don't have time for this. I have things to do... places to go... world domination to achieve...

Martha: Well, ma'am, as you know, one of the virtues of any good espionage agent is: patience. If you can't learn that, than all the power in the world doesn't really benifit you...

*TLTETW fingers his Klobb in his pocket, and tries his best to keep his self control*
------------------------

*Meanwhile, at the Silicon Valley Shipping Port, Mike the Writer hunts around for any signs that TLTETW had been there.*

Mike the Writer: Wow. This guy is good. He sure knows how to cover his trail. I can't find anything that even hints that he was here.

Losien the Writer: Well... could that possibly mean that he wasn't here?

Mike the Writer: Quiet! I'm trying to look.
-------------------------

*The trial of Overglow was commenced immeadiatelly. Prominent members of the Massassi Community were selected as jurors. With Judge Dredd presiding, the both sides made their case. Hired for the defense was lawyer, Perry Mason. Fortunately the prosecution countered by hiring as their prosecuting attorney, John Grisham. For a while the defense looked like they were going to win. But they made the fatal mistake of bringing in Ted Kazenzki, Timothy Micveigh, O.J. Simpson and Rabid Platypus as character witness. The Verdict? Overglow was charged with multiple counts of Malicious Hacking, Illegal Possession of an Unregistered Weapon, Gross Grammatical Misusage, and Just Plain Being Annoying. His punishment was being sent to Mrs. Riggs Grammatical Academy to 'diagram' sentences for 30 years. And thanks to the nifty NES time relativity theorem all this only took a portion of a post.*
-----------------

Otter the writer: Well, now that my name has been cleared, can we get out of this place?

*A few hours later*

Otter the Writer: Hmmm... guess not. Stupid Bueracrats.

Randy the Writer: Well, maybe we could get Ares to pay bail...

Masseto the Writer: Well, that would be a good idea, except Ares isn't available, as he is out searching for the guy who dented his car.

Otter the Writer: *sigh* Well, that leaves us no choice. We'll have to escape in a highly dramatic fashion. Okay, does anybody have any items for escape. Sheets? Tools? Explosives.

Cooked Haggis: Well, now that you mention it, I do have a shovel-like apparatus...

Randy the Writer: Really?

*Cooked Haggis reaches into his tux pocket and pulls out an ornamental teaspoon aquired from his resteraunt*

*Otter hands the spoon to Mr. T.*

Otter the Writer: Okay. Get digging.

------------------
May the Windex be with you
-Janitor Jack (Salk Wars)

Michael MacFarlane

07-22-2001, 06:19 PM

(So I have a hero self now? Sweeeet. http://forums.massassi.net/html/biggrin.gif )

Michael the Writer: (head snaps up) I've got it!

Losien the Writer: What?

Michael: He didn't come to the Silicon Valley Shipping Port at all!

Losien: (sarcastically) Really?

Michael: Of course not! Why would he have come to the shipping port when Silicon Valley is inland?

Losien: Gee, why didn't I think of that?

Michael: Don't worry about it. We can't all be geniuses.

Losien: That's the truth...

Michael: Come on! We've got to go to the Silicon Valley Airport and catch a flight to Seattle!

Losien: Why? Do you think that's where TLTE went?

Michael: No, but it is the pesto of cities.

Losien: What?

Michael: Never mind. Let's go!

Will Michael's hunch pay off? Will the other writers of the NES find it so madly improbable that they have no choice but to delete his post? I don't know, I haven't read that far yet, moron!

[This message has been edited by Michael MacFarlane (edited July 22, 2001).]

Losien

07-22-2001, 07:53 PM

(NSP: I know it's been a while since I've posted anything, and like "someone" once told me...a stupid post is better than no post at all...so I decided I'd give it a shot. And...this isn't meant to be an excuse for how lame my post will be, but I was out babysitting till 6AM...and now I'm only working on 2 hours of sleep...so I'm exhausted. Anyways..."On With The Show...err...Post!")

(MichaelTW and LosienTW are on their way to the Silicon Valley Airport. They arrive.)

LosienTW: So...why exactly are we going to Seattle?

MichaelTW: I told you...it's

LosienTW: Oh yes...that's where you think TLTE went, right?

MichaelTW: No...it is the pesto of cities.

LosienTW: What?

MichaelTW: Nevermind.

(MichaelTW and LosienTW walk into the airport and up to the counter that clearly states "Airline Tickets Sold Here")

MichaelTW: I think this is the place we buy the tickets.

LosienTW: Really? Hmm..(rolls her eyes) imagine that. Tickets sold where it states "tickets sold here." Wow...what a concept.

(They walk up to the counter...they're helped by a lady named Martha)

Martha: Hello, welcome to Silicon Valley Airport...may I help you?

MichaelTW: Umm yes....2 tickets to Seattle, please.

Martha: Would that be one way...or round-trip?

(MichaelTW looks at LosienTW. LosienTW shrugs her shoulders)

MichaelTW: One way for now. If/when we come back...we'll just get another ticket.

Martha: All right. You just got the last 2 tickets. Although...I'm afraid you and your wife will have to sit in separation.

MichaelTW: Oh well..she's not my...

LosienTW: That'll be fine. (Smiles)

(Martha hands MichaelTW the 2 tickets. MichaelTW hands Losien hers. They walk away.)

LosienTW: So...when do we leave?

MichaelTW: Not until 2:22AM. We still have 4 hours, 19 minutes left.

LosienTW: Well..what are we going to do?

MichaelTW: It's up to you.

LosienTW: Well...I could really use uhh..well, I need to use the restroom.

MichaelTW: Oh...yes..of course.

(MichaelTW and LosienTW walk towards the restroom. LosienTW turns and looks at MichaelTW before walking in.)

LosienTW: You know...it's kind of weird having you wait out here for me...while I'm in the bathroom.

MichaelTW: (Turns around the other way) Oh yes...I'm sorry.

LosienTW: (Begins walking into the bathroom, turing around to make sure MichaelTW isn't looking at her)

(Meanwhile, MichaelTW sits up against the wall. An hour later, LosienTW walks out.)

LosienTW: Now what should we do?

MichaelTW: (Looks at his watch) Well....you just killed a whole hour in the bathroom. We only have 3 hours and 19 minutes left. What were you doing in there anyways?

LosienTW: Oh...nothing. So...what are we going to do?

MichaelTW: Well...since we're already here...I might as well use the restroom also.

LosienTW: Oh...OK.

MichaelTW: It's kind of weird knowing you're out here...waiting for me.

LosienTW: (Turns around) Oh...I'm sorry.

(4 minutes later, MichaelTW walks out.)

LosienTW: Man...that was quick.

MichaelTW: Yes. I used to restroom for it's sole purpose only...and then I was done.

LosienTW: Yeah...well...you guys don't have to wait in line forever.

MichaelTW: Well...that's because guys are quicker and more efficient.

LosienTW: What's that have to do with anything?

MichaelTW: It has a lot to do.

LosienTW: (Walking away) I can't believe we're arguing about this.

MichaelTW: Hey...you started it.

LosienTW: Did not!

MichaelTW: Did too!

LosienTW: Did not!

MichaelTW: Did too!

LosienTW: Did too!

MichaelTW: Did not! I mean...darnit...you got me!

(MichaelTW and LosienTW walk in silence.)

LosienTW: Did you know...you're soo cute when you argue...or...try to argue.

MichaelTW: (jokingly) Shut up!

LosienTW: No...really.

MichaelTW: (looks at his watch) Oh no! Our plane leaves in 3 minutes!

LosienTW: Well, what are we waiting for? Let's go!

(OK...LOL. I didn't know what else to do. Sorry...don't forget, you can delete this...but a lame post, is better than no post!)

The Last True Evil

07-23-2001, 08:39 PM

*Somewhere in the Himalayan Mountains, a block of ice is struck by a freak lightning blast, and shatters dramatically. A naked man kneels in the space where the ice block used to be, slowly looking up. It is the Original Last True Evil, or OLTE.*

OLTE: I'm back...muhahahahahahahh *snort*

*Ten minutes later, in the "Happy Drunk-Drunk Yeti", a local bar and grill establishment, the door is blown off its hinges. A banner, draped over the grill, indicates the current event; "The 51st Annual Liberalist Denomination of Monks Party Bash". All around the bar, drunken monks turn to the hauntingly unfamiliar sight of a 6'2, blue-eyed, dark black-haired naked man in front of them. The bartender slowly waddles over to him.*

Bartender: Um...stag night is every Thursday-

OLTE: (Deep, booming voice) I NEED YOUR CLOTHES, YOUR BOOTS, AND YOUR...UM...YAK.

Bartender: Now, wait a darn tootin' m-

*OLTE reaches out, and crushes the man's skull with one hand.*

OLTE: I NEED A YAK.

*He strides over to the next man, who hits him with a pool cue.*

OLTE: OUCH. THAT HURT.

*He punches the man, who flies over the pool table, out a window, and through the next five buildings.*

OLTE: I THINK HE DISLODGED A TOOTH.

*A massive, one-way fight ensues. Eventually, OLTE is the last man standing. He stalks over to a nearby monk, who has been impaled on a bar-stool.*

OLTE: HAND OVER THE, UM...KEYS...TO YOUR YAK.

*The man groans, and tosses them to OLTE.*

Man: Now go!

OLTE: GLADLY. AS SOON AS I HAVE RELIEVED YOU OF YOUR CLOTHES.

*OLTE steps outside the bar in a toga, not exactly the effect he was hoping for.*

OLTE: I MUST GET TO SIBERIA, AND ACTIVATE THE BEACON! ALL THE LTE'S OF THE WORLD MUST UNITE! (and hopefully, along the way, I can get some new clothes...)

*OLTE mounts his yak and guns the engine.*

OLTE: THE WORLD IS MINE! ALL MINE! WAHHH HA HA HA HA HAAAAHHHH...

*He speeds off into the snowy night...*

TheSoftParade

07-25-2001, 02:00 PM

**The next day, a little man wandered about playing his deadly bagpipes and killed a squirrel. The squirrel was young and weak, and its mother was mad! She was a giant 137 foot squirrel!!! The mother was angered and chased the little man until he came to a hole in the ground. He jumped in the hole and landed in a temple with spiders and giant idols and traps on the floor. He looked around and saw 2 giant snakes in a glass box. He played his bagpipes. Their just happened to be a Starbucks in the temple and he went inside and bought darth vader a grande latte. Vader danced like a shaman with marakas in his hands and sang about his favorite croutons. They danced and drank coffe until they died, then they came back to life.**

------------------
The Soft Parade has now begun
Listen to the engines hum
People out to have some fun
A cobra on my left
Leopard on my right

Gebohq

07-26-2001, 07:53 PM

(NSP: Uh, riiiight, Mr. Softparade. Anywhos...)

In the heroes realm...

Krig: Krig not like music...

Geb: Why are we back at the House of Gibs, named after me no less?

Cooked: Because you finished your SP entree, monsiour. Would you care for a bit of dessert?

Geb: Uh...no thanks--hey! It's the rest of the gang, over at the table over there. Looks like Losien and the new guy are there too.

Krig: Me not like TLTE. He smells.

Geb: He's foreign, what can you say?

Krig: Er...not what Krig meant. Geb need bath himself.

Geb: Meh, it'll be on my "to do" list. I need to create the perfect woman first to shower with me...er...and we need to figure out where to go to next.

Five hours later, at the same table...

Otter: ...but we already went to Disney World!

Krig: Krig not like that place.

Geb: OK ok, we won't go there. Er...how about a strip club?

Maybe: That's the tenth time you're suggested that Geb.

Geb: Aaaand?

Maybe: NO!

Geb: OK, sheesh. And I thought everyone appreciated the beauty of the female body...

McLongname: How about we just hitchhike and go whereever?

Ante: Well that isn't very exciting...

Geb: But it's easy! Good thinking Mick.

Sem: So how are we going to find a ride for all of us?

Los: *from outside* I got a ride for us all! The guy won't stop looking at my leg though...

Geb: Let's go. You too, Cooked.

Cooked: Do I have to?

Janitor Bob: Well I'm not going to clean and cook around here!

Cooked: *sigh*

The heroes get on a giant bus labeled "Nesian youth group" on it.

Where will our heroes find themselves next? Will this wave of Nesianity never cease? What denomination of Nesianity are the people on the bus? Does the bus have enough gas? Will Geb shower anytime soon, or will he wait for an eternity trying to find the "perfect woman" to go in with him? Find out, in the next edition of The Neverending Story Thread!

------------------
~Geb

Janitor Bob

07-26-2001, 08:26 PM

(NSP: eh, I think that last post, Soft Parade, is a little too crazy and off topic, even for the Never Ending Story http://forums.massassi.net/html/smile.gif )

*In the City shrouded by a cloak of Never-Ending Rain, Mike and Losien’s the writers tour of Seattle ends, them having of visited the Space Needle, the Science Center, the Zoo, the Taxpayer funded multi-gajabillion dollar Mariners Stadium, the Mall (despite the many protests of Michael the Writer), Walla-Walla (after Michael got lost) and the water-front. After a candlelight dinner of Fish ‘n Chips, Michael and Losien finally arrive back at the airport*
-------------

* Same time, same place, TLTETW skulks around the airport, finally reacquiring his luggage. Dodging the scanning eyes of Mike and Losien, TLTETW is cleverly disguised. (As The Last True Evil Not the Writer) With all assets in place, TLTETW

Losien the Writer: Well, we have scoured all over Seattle and we still haven’t seen a sign of The Last True Evil the Writer. Remind me why you think he's in Seattle again...

Michael the Writer: Intuition.

Losien the Writer (skeptically): Intuition???

Micheal the Writer: Yes... I sometimes get these feelings... almost extraterrestrial emotional nudges... I can see things before they happen...

Losien the Writer: Nice... That must be usual for playing the Stock Market...

*The Last True Evil the Writer walks past*

Michael the Writer: See! Right there. I felt a mental shiver... the room seemed to get colder for some reason...

Losien the Writer (sarcastically): SURE... right.

Micheal the Writer: Well, I just knew... in the pit of my Stomach that I was to go to Seattle.

Losien the Writer: So basically, you were hungry for some Fish 'n Chips.

Michael the Writer: Exactly!

Losien the Writer: Well... your intution seems to have a few sprockets loose... We still haven't found the Last True Evil.

*After a long argument, involving yelling, screaming, and a little bit of kicking, the writers buy a ticket back to Silicon Valley*

Mike the Writer (From the floor): Gah... Losien. You kick hard.

Losien the writer: Well... I try. Anyways... this ticket says that our flight is found in Building 6, 8th floor, Concourse B, Hall 23, Conduit 27, Gate 5... I think. The writing's kinda hard to read...

Martha the Airport Employee: Look, the pen was dry. Give me a break.

Mike the Writer: Hmm... I have a map I got from somebody, but it seems to be written in Russian.
-------------

*** 6 hours later ***

*TLTETW arrives at his boarding flight for Communist Soviet Russian Secret Intelligence Airlines, headed towards Siberia.*

Airline Personell: Will you please put all guns, knives, bombs, and nuclear devices in this tray here, before you pass through the metal detector.

*TLTETW, being a Secret Agent Kinda Dude, of course, does not listent to the airline employees. He throws his Klobb in a nearby garbage can, as a statement about it's lack of accuracy. To complete his secret agent persona, TLTETW always carries around a large heavy AK-47, that can be disassembeled and disguised as a large, heavy, pencil sharpener (that actually works!) Carrying this disguised weapon in his suitcase, TLTETW steps through the Discerning Beams of the metal detector*

Metal Detector: BWOOP BWOOP BWOOP!

Airline Personell: You forgot to put you keys in the tray, ma'am.

TLTETW (after recovering from imense shock): Y-yes. Heh. Of course.
------------

*Just behind TLTETW, walks Mike and Losien the Writers, through the same metal detector*

Losien the Writer: Are you SURE this is the right flight.

Mike the Writer: *sigh* Yes, honey.

Losien the Writer: But our flight was flight 999... while this flight is flight 666...

Mike the Writer: It's close enough.

Losien the Writer: But aren't we flying on Northwest, instead of Communist Soviet Russian Secret Intelligence Airlines?

Mike the Writer: Well, maybe it's a branch-of of the original Northwest company.

Losien the Writer: Also... I think we made a wrong turn back at the airport Enchilada stand...

*INSERT MANDATORY MEN-DON'T-ASK-FOR-DIRECTIONS JOKE HERE*

*After setting off the metal detector by Micheal's paper clip collection, the writer's board the plane, which is old, rickety, rusty, and appears to be made out of old Combine parts.*

*There are only two seats that are left available. Losien is forced to sit next to a big hairy sweating guy with flies swarming around his tobbaco caked beard named Hank (The person's named Hank, not the beard)*

*Michael sits next to one TLTETW, who now has a different disguise on*

Michael the Writer: Hey, you kinda look like The Last True Evil the Writer... except he doesn't wear a Lone Ranger mask.

TLTETW (In an emotionless voice): What an eerie coincidence

*Suddenly, their conversation is inturrepted by a screech of the Airline intercom*

Female Intercom Voice: I would give a speech on how to put on your oxygen mask, ect, but this airline doesn't seem to have the luxury of such safety equipment. So instead, I will introduce our newly aquired pilot... illustrious author and singer... Krig Vykeen!

Losien the Writer: Uh-oh.

Krig the Writer: Krig need money. Krig pilot.

Airline Intercom: Your seats cannot unlock, so you won't need to worry about them being in the upright and locked position. Enjoy your trip with Communist Soviet Russian Secret Intelligence Airlines.

Krig the Writer: Hmm. What this button do?

*The plane taxi's percariously but speedily on (and sometimes off) the runway, overruning a luggage cart and then somehow manages to take off... headed straight for the heart of Siberia.*

------------------
May the Windex be with you
-Janitor Jack (Salk Wars)

Janitor Bob

07-26-2001, 08:35 PM

*In the Heroes realm*

Janitor Bob the Hero: I've got an Idea! How about we go to Siberia and save the world from a Russian plot involving clones, with our powers of implausibility!

*Everybody rolls their eyes*

The other writers: How about not.

*The Writers get onto the the old yellow bus... which blinking destination lights above the front window reads: Siberia to save the world from a Russian plot involving clones, with powers of implausibility, and to convert the godless communist heathens, to boot*

------------------
May the Windex be with you
-Janitor Jack (Salk Wars)

Losien

07-27-2001, 10:49 AM

*On the plane*

Losien: (Plugging her nose staring disgustedly at Hank...whispers to herself) How can anyone be so...so...inhumane?

Hank: You chew? (Grabbing some "already-chewed-tobacco" from his long, tobacco-caked beard - not named Hank.)

Losien: No...no thank you.

Hank: (shrugs his shoulders) Hmmph.. (sticking the "already-chewed-tobacco" in his mouth)

(Losien sits thinking to herself why she always ends up being next to gross smelly guys. Just her luck. She picks out a magazine from the pocket on the back of the seat in front of her.)

Losien: How to Tie-Bow? This ought to be good. (She begins reading) Oh my gosh. This is hilarious. I'll have to subscribe to this magazine.

(Hank leans over to Losien to see what she's talking about)

Hank: woH ot ?woB-eiT

Losien: What?

Hank: Oh...I never really learned how to read.

Losien: I see. Well, that's a problem.

Hank: Well...I figure, it gives me a sense of uniqueness.

Losien: Although...a lot of people don't know how to read.

Hank: Well...I'm more betterer than them.

Losien: You...have problems...and not knowing how to read is the least of them. (Again, plugging her nose)

(Hank falls asleep. The flight attendant walks by with the drink cart - her name is also Martha)

Martha the flight attendant: May I get you guys something to drink?

Losien: Yes, an orange juice please.

Martha: Alright. And...for your husband?

Losien: Oh...we're not together. But..

Martha: Oh! You guys are on your way to get married?! How sweet!

Losien: No..that's not it...you see...I don't even know. (being cut off again)

Martha: He's surprising you about where you're getting married? And to think I thought he was just some slob. You guys will make the perfect couple. I see a great future for you.

Losien: You don't understand. I don't even know..

Martha: You don't even know who's going to be there? That's so sweet. I'll go get you some wine to celebrate this special day.

Losien: (sighs) What is life coming to?

Hank: (yawns...letting out the gross stench of his breath) Did the lady come by for drinks yet?

Losien: Yes.

Hank: Did you get me anything?

Losien: No...(reaches into her purse) but here's a breath mint.

Hank: (Not realizing the point she was trying to make) How nice of you.

Losien: Sure.

(Martha returns with the wine)

Martha: Here you are. You guys are going to be so happy together.

Hank: What?

Martha: I love the idea of you surprising her like this...and now you're acting all innocent yourself. Like you don't know what's going on either.

Hank: I don't.

Martha: Oh...Miss...you are so lucky.

Losien: You know...if you think I'm so lucky...how would you like to marry this..ehh..this "hunk"?

Martha: Oh, don't be silly. Well..I have to go deliver the other passengers their drinks. Congratulations.

Losien: (under her breath) I wasn't being silly. I was being serious.

Hank: Did we win something?

Losien: No.

Hank: Well, then what was that lady happy about?

Losien: (sarcastically) The airlines decided to put a fly trap in every row of seats on the airplanes.

Hank: Eww...do you know how gross those things smell?

Losien: Trust me. After today...nothing will ever smell worse.

(NSP: I don't know what else to write. Umm...I won't be able to post for at least 2 days. My grandparents anniversary is tomorrow...and we're going out..and doing "stuff" - and...I shouldn't have to explain why I won't be posting...but I am. So..yes...that's what I'll be doing...oh yeah, and sorry for all my typos and everything. I'm too lazy to fix it.)

[This message has been edited by Losien (edited July 27, 2001).]

Krig the Viking

07-28-2001, 01:11 AM

(OOC: "Hey, you kinda look like The Last True Evil the Writer... except he doesn't wear a Lone Ranger mask." ROFL!! )

*In the cockpit of Communist Soviet Russian Secret Intelligence Airlines flight #666, Krig the Writer sits on the floor beside the pilot's seat. The stewardesses have locked him in the cockpit, because he kept trying to leave the airplane. The plane is flying on autopilot.*

Krig the Writer:"Krig hungry now."

*Krig the Writer gets up and begins gnawing on the flight control stick. The plane begins flying vertically straight down. Krig the Writer does not notice.*

Krig the Writer:"Grrrr.... Hungry...."

*Suddenly, the airplane's onboard computer (which is an ancient 1973 model, and so large it takes up the entire luggage compartment. Actual luggage is stored in the fuel tank, where it is burned as fuel.) The plane's onboard computer beeps a warning.*

Computer:"Warning. Airplane is crashing now. Warning. Airplane is crashing now."

Krig the Writer:"AAAGGGHH!! WHO SAY THAT?!"

Computer:"Warning. Airplane is crashing now."

Krig the Writer:"AAAHHH! KRIG SMASH DEMON AIRPLANE!"

*Krig the Writer, lacking an axe (since only Krig the Hero has an axe), begins punching and gnawing on the control panels. The control panels begin to get destroyed, and loose wires begin sparking.*

*Meanwhile, in the cabin, no one seems to be distressed that the airplane is going straight downwards. This is not because they have not noticed the aircraft's rapid descent, but rather because this is a common occurance on Communist Soviet Russian Secret Intelligence Airlines.*

*Hank has fallen asleep once more. Chewing tobbaco mixed with bubble gum drools out of his open mouth, into his sticky beard (which is not named Hank). Losien sits quietly, trying not to wake Hank. The guy in the seat ahead of Losien, a skinny fellow wearing a white fisherman's hat, turns around.*

Guy Ahead of Losien the Writer:"Hi, miss, what's your name?"

Losien the Writer:"Um, I'm Losien, what's your name?"

*In the background, a muffled zapping noise is heard, then a muffled explosion. The cockpit door goes flying upwards (since the plane is vertical) past Losien the Writer, towards the back of the plane.*

Guy Ahead of Losien the Writer:"Oh, I'm Gilligan. Pleased to meet you!"

*A short, fried looking Viking Writer flies upwards past Losien, after the door, yelling like a crazed mongoose. A huge ball of flame spouts behind him. None of the passengers notice, as this is an ordinary occurance on Communist Soviet Russian Secret Intelligence Airlines.*

Losien the Writer:"So, um, where are you headed?"

Gilligan:"I'm headed to Winnepeg. Gee, I sure hope this plane doesn't crash. I was on a boat once, and we crashed, and I spent a few years on a deserted island with the Skipper and some other people. I don't think they liked me. It was fun, but I sure hope it doesn't happen again."

Losien the Writer:"Oh."

*Across the aisle, McLongname the Writer sits beside TLTETW, who is still wearing his disguise.*

McLongname the Writer:"Hey, are we supposed to be flying straight downwards?"

TLTETW:"Don't worry, this happens all the time."

*McLongname the Writer peers closer at TLTETW.*

McLongname the Writer:"You seem familiar, somehow... Have we met?"

TLTETW:"Um... No, I don't think so."

*The short, fried looking Viking Writer figure, overcome by gravity, plummets back down towards the cockpit, followed by the door to the cockpit.*

McLongname the Writer:"I'd swear I've seen you somewhere before... Have you ever worked at McDonald's?"

*Down by the cockpit, there is a thump of a short, hairy body landing on a windshield, followed by the clang of a cockpit door hitting a short, hairy body.*

TLTETW:"No, I have never worked at a McDonald's. Only Burger King. You've never seen me before."

McLongname the Writer:"I dunno, you look--hey, wait! It's YOU!"

*The Last True Evil The Writer's eyes widen slightly behind his mask. He reaches inside his coat for his gun. Behind him, outside of the window, a duck is sucked into the intake of the airplane's engine, spewing feathers everywhere.*

TLTETW:"I don't know what you're talking about."

McLongname the Writer:"It's you! The real Lone Ranger! Wow, I never thought I'd meet the real Lone Ranger!"

TLTETW(having never heard of the Lone Ranger before in his life, because of watching only Russian TV):"Er.... Yes.... The Lone Ranger..."

*Suddenly, the airplane crashes into the ocean. The cabin's passengers are noticably calm, as this sort of thing happens all the time on Communist Soviet Russian Secret Intelligence Airlines.*

Whatever will happen to the planeload of writers? Will they perish? Or will they be stranded on a convieniently located deserted island with that Gilligan fellow, forever doomed to be tormented by the clumsy antics of a funny-hat-wearing buffoon? Donate $20 to the NES storywriter's fund to find out!

------------------
Read the Bible, it'll scare the hell out of you.

[This message has been edited by Krig_the_Viking (edited July 28, 2001).]

Losien

07-28-2001, 08:26 AM

(Great post Krig! :-) I wish I could continue on...but I have to leave in a short while - so I don't have enough time. I can't wait to see what happens next - so that means people should continue the story...)

------------------
**Kim**
Umm.."One Fish, Two Fishes, Red Fish, Blue Dishes" Or something like that...right? I don't really remember...

Janitor Bob

07-28-2001, 01:27 PM

(Yeah, Krig, that was one of the few posts that actually made me laugh out loud, as opposed to just smiling gleefully)

*Flight #666 casually plummets into the ocean. The more observant passengers begin to notice that something is wrong, although not necessarily unusual. As ocean crashes are a fairly normal occurrence on Communist Soviet Russian Secret Intelligence Airlines (which, as a result, makes Communist Soviet Russian Secret Intelligence Airline frequent flyer miles very valuable) the airline has an exact process that they go through whenever it happens. Without delay, two airline crew members collectively known as Martha climb out on each wing, where she fits large inflatable water wings to them. Then, she is tragically eaten by sharks.*

Gilligan: I thought this was only going to be a three hour plane trip…

*The airline’s computer, which in prime condition didn’t have enough processing power to play ‘Pong’ without jerky framerate, is even more further decimated by the fact that Krig had eaten the Keyboard, and half the CPU. As a result, the computer starts spitting out random warnings and bits of information*

Computer: Syntax Error. Please Correct.

*At the same time, Mclongname the writer, who can’t believe his luck, is talking with ‘The Long Ranger’*

Mike the Writer: So, how’s it going kemosabe

TLTETW: What did you call me!

*Discreetly, TLTETW flips through a Russian-English dictionary, looking for the word kemosabe *

Computer: This program has preformed an illegal operation and will be shut down. If the problem persists please contact the product vendor.

Mike the Writer: You know, kemosabe! Ta Ta dump… ta ta dump… ta ta dump DUMP DUMP!

TLTETW: Ach! You Americans are always so weird.

Computer: Missile warning! Key to target?

*A fiery anger flashes through Mclongname’s eyes, at TLTETW’s last comment…*

Mike the writer: What do you mean, ‘all Americans are weird.’ What a gross generalization! Not all Americans are like the NES writers…

TLTETW: Well, sure, but America does not even compare to the luscious snow topped plains of the Motherland of Russia!

Mike the Writer: I can’t believe you’d have the nerve to say that! Who has the best economy! Who has the best military! Who has the best fast food!

*A rock-and-roll version of the Star Spangled Banner blares through the plane, as Mike the writer angrily picks up TLTETW by the mask. The elastic string on the mask snaps, stinging Mikes hand. TLTETW does a somersault backwards into the aisle. The mask flutters down and lands on the armrest. TLTETW gets up and glares at Mclongname, revealing his unmistakable face of a Last True Evil for all to see.*

Computer: Reinforcements have arrived.

TLTETW: Ach! Enough of my pointless skulking around! I’m hijacking this plane!

Mike the Writer: Uh… this plane’s halfway under water, and random parts are falling off sporadically… are you sure you want to hijack it…?

TLTETW: Don’t try to rationalize with me, infidel!

*TLTETW reaches into the deep pockets of his coat and pulls out… a large heavy pencil sharpener!*

TLTETW: Just give me a sec while I get my gun assembled…

Mike the Writer: Certainly…

**30 MINUTES LATER**

Computer: Bad Command or File Name.

*TLTETW points a hastily assembled AK-47 at Mclongname’s head. Super glue is dripping slowly out of the joints of the gun.*

Mike the Writer: TLTETW, your trigger's on backwards…

TLTETW: Oh… yes… of course…

Gilligan: Gee, guys, watcha doing!

*Everybody ignores Gilligan*

Gilligan: Oh, you're makin’ a model kit! I used to do those!

*TLTETW rearranges his trigger and once again points it in Michael the Writer’s general direction.*

*Losien sees this going on, and knows that she must act heroically, and fast*

Losien: Hmm… if I could just hit that latch… of the overly stuffed luggage compartment over TLTETW’s head-

*Losien’s muttering is interrupted by a gangly 13 year old with glasses and wearing a Darth Maul mask drawn with Magic Markers on a Barf Bag*

Star Wars Fan and all around general Nerd: How unoriginal! They already did that in ‘I, Jedi’, by Michael Stackpole, copyright 199…

Computer: I’m sorry Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.

Losien: Well, I’ve got to get some kind of weapon somehow!

*As if on cue, an airline stewardess hands her an airline produced omelet.*

*As she looks at the omelet, inspiration strikes*

Losien: Perfect!

*Krig looks around the plane, and although he as already eaten a majority of the passengers carry-on luggage, was still hungry. And when he saw the black AK-47 one thought came to his mind. Prime Rib with Barbecue Sauce*

*Losien takes the discus position, and hurls the omelet through the air like a discus.*

*With his attention concentrated on Michael the Writer, TLTETW doesn’t notice the short hairy viking man charging toward him, or for that matter, the spinning omelet hurtling towards him*

*The omelet impacts on his head with a brutal CRACK. Dazed, and bloodied, TLTETW stumbles around*

*Seconds later a bullet of red hair rips through LT evil the Writer's hand, as Krig snags the AK-47 with his mouth and starts chewing on it. Unwittingly, he triggers the trigger with his tongue, firing the gun. The bullet shatters a window and then pops a water wing. The plane tilts sideways*

Computer: Warning! Maximum Weight exceeded!

Star Wars Fan and all around general Nerd: The fools! The Buoyancy on this plane can only withstand a maximum weight of 34 persons of average weight and size, and the Cargo Threshold of 784 pounds, filing singly!

*As the Titanic music plays the plane slowly starts to sink into the ocean*

*A distiguished looking man, who was sitting next to Gilligan speaks up.*

Distinguished man: Well, it's quite easy. In the past 30 seconds while that it took for the plane to fill halfway with water from the shattered window I took some bubble gum, tobacco, some of the beard not named Hank, a barf bag, some seat upholstery, some In-Flight magazines and an small bag of complimentary Peanuts and constructed this Full sized Nuclear Submarine with a robotic crew of One hundered and sixteen!

Gilligan: Gee, professor, you sure are smart!

Star Wars Fan and all around general Nerd: Somebody doesn’t know about the Conservation of Mass…

Professor: Now I just have to figure out a way to get it out of this sinking airplane...

*Oh-no! Will our writers escape? Or will they end up permentally in Davy Jones Locker? (like Janitor Bob was for the better part of a day as a Freshman) Could this be the end of the Never Ending Story Thread? For a hint, look at the title.*

------------------
May the Windex be with you
-Janitor Jack (Salk Wars)

[This message has been edited by Janitor Bob (edited July 28, 2001).]

Semievil333

07-28-2001, 07:49 PM

(NSP: Davy Jones locker? Ohh, Maybechild, that is SO your cue to start writing again... hello? Maybe?)

On wit de post!

Suddenly, KTW's world-renowned powers of focus and concentration are broken by a shiny metal object outside the window.

KTW: "Hey, lookit! Lookit! Krig see somting!"

Outside, there is an ARC! (Bravely crewed, of course, by STW.) Everyone rushes to the window to see STW hanging on the outside with a nailgun, fixing a hole in the side with an old CD.

McLNTW: "Does that seem like an exercise in futility to anyone else?"

TLTETW: "Nevermind that, simply marvel at our superior Soviet designing- no airplane made in America would have skylights, making the above scene impossible, as the plane has turned on it's side!"

KTW, looking at a 'made in' plaque on one of the walls of the cabin: "Taiwan in Russia?"

STW, shouting out to the plane passengers through a skylight that has mysteriously just broken: "Hey, can I borrow a chunk of the BNNH? I need it to fix this hole."

LTW: "Hurrah! We're saved!"

Gilligan: "Saved!?!? But we haven't even gotten to the island yet!"

TLTETW: "What is American pig-dog doing in middle of ocean with toy boat I like to know? Heh? Answer that one mister smartie-pants!"

STW: "Ocean? What? This here is North Dakota! Now be a good secret assasin and come be converted to NESianity in the arc before my god had to kick your god's butt!"

Egad! Whatever happened meanwhile!?!? Has it disappeared from NES usage entirely?!?! Will it ever return? Are those two really just the same question cleverly posed in different phrasing? Furthermore, will they save North Dakota from flooding? Does anyone care if they do? Tune in next time to find out on NES; brainwashing you from every channel on cabel to wipe out the infidels!

---No actual North Dakotans were harmed in the making of this post~ Society for the Conservation of the Average American---

------------------
The early bird may get the worm-
but it's the second mouse who gets the cheeze.

Omnia quae specto dominavi, et tantam magnus sum, ut non specto!

[This message has been edited by Semievil333 (edited July 28, 2001).]

The Last True Evil

07-28-2001, 07:58 PM

*The battle inside the sinking plane continues. MichaelTW strafes, producing a Beretta 92FS and firing at TLTETW whilst cartwheeling with his other hand. TLTE dodges in bullet-time, a universal remote control shooting into his palm care of a spring in his sleeves.*

TLTETW: Ha-HA! Soviet technology, ahoy!

MichaelTW: Oooh, a remote, fearsome...

*TLTE shoots a 'watch-and-learn' glance at him, then presses a button. The now-digested pieces of the Russian spy's AK-47 explode inside Krig, who burps up a whiff of molten steel and passes out.*

MichaelTW: Indeed impressive. (He fires off another salvo of shots, which TLTE narrowly dodges.) Any other tricks?

TLTETW: Da.

*He moves to press a button, but another explosion somewhere jolts him and he accidentally hits another. A strong magnet within the control picks up on the AK-47 inside Krig and suddenly, the unconscious Viking Writer is hurtling toward TLTE. The Russian has only time to suck in a deep breath as, with a huge crash, they go flying down the aisle.*

MichaelTW: (Running over to Losien) Are you OK?

LosienTW: Peachy. Come on, we've got to stop him!

*They run down the aisle, after TLTE, who is standing triumphantly at the front of the plane, a clear 20 feet away, at the airlock.*

LosienTW: All right TLTE, game's over! You could have been friends with us, but you chose the villain path...now hand over the documents!

*Suddenly, there is the sound of another engine. Losien and Michael stare out, wide-eyed, as a Soviet submarine, complete with hammer and sickle insignia, pulls up next to them.*

TLTETW: I'd love to stay, and share stories, but unfortunately, I've got a sub to catch. Ta-ta!

*Laughing maniacally, he leaps through the plane airlock to the sub airlock, sealing it behind him. Losien and Michael move to follow, but suddenly, the other 15 or so Russian spies on board, with their own top-secret stolen documents, turn and fire on them, all bustling to board the airlock.*

LosienTW: There's too many of them...quick! Make a break for the airlock! I'll cover you!

MichaelTW: But-

LosienTW: You HAVE to stop TLTETW! GO!

*Simultaneously, as Michael makes a break for the airlock, Losien leaps up, firing wildly, forcing the Russian spies to dive for cover. Michael runs all the way to the airlock, through the danger, only to find it locked. On the other side, TLTETW grins, holding up the documents for inspection, then waves as the sub breaks off and starts rising quickly.*

MichaelTW: Ahh, screw it.

*He fires at the airlock door, which bursts open, flooding the airplane in seconds. Kicking it open, he starts swimming rapidly, grabbing onto a hand-railing on the side of the submarine and holding on as it starts to rise...*

Will MichaelTW survive the inevitable submarine-top battle with TLTE? Can Losien, Krig and the other passengers somehow survive without air? Will everyone live? And what's for dinner tonight? Saving that last one, all will be revealed soon on...NeS!!!

Janitor Bob

08-06-2001, 07:26 PM

NSP: Whew! I'll be gone for a week. So I hope that the Neverending Story Thread doesn't die without me! http://forums.massassi.net/html/rolleyes.gif

Here are the previous posts:

Antestarr's post

*NSP: Aaaah.... It's good to be back. Took me a while to catch up, but here it is, the Ante has finally come back to NES! Prepare for the most electrofying post in... aw skip it.*

*Gebohq and TLTENTW lay one on top of the other, guns touching each other's foreheads. With no other choice they pull the trigger. As the magnum begins to cock itself, the Klobb begins its volley of bullets. As the echo of the 20 rounds fades, both men open their eyes to find 20 bullet holes around Geb's head.*

TLTENTW: Stupid foreign innacurate guns! Why oh why couldn't they give me a Spyder like I asked?

*The magnum finishes cocking itself, and the hammer begins its painfully slow descent to reach the bullet. TLTENTW, realizing the immintent danger, throws himself to the side. 10 seconds later the gun fires. Afterward, the two stand up and brush themselves off.*

Geb: I suppose its time for the obligatory "chase through the bookcases", huh?

TLTENTW: Da.

Geb: Well, how about I try a clever ploy to get a head start. OH MY! Look behind you.

*TLTENTW turns around to see a concrete wall and Geb runs off. TLTENTW quickly turns around and lays chase, continuing to fire his gun, bullets embedding themselves in the concrete walls. Geb, firing a shot behind him every 30 seconds, wonders if this is merely an excersise in futility...*

-----------

*Antestarr, now finished with his dispatching of the Spooky Taco writers, begins ambling back to his cubicle. He wonders what Geb is up to and how the ride in the fancy car went. Upon entering the office area he notices that something is missing.*

Ante: Hmm.... I wonder where Sem went... And what happened to all the cubicle walls? And the duct tape? Oh well, I guess I'll work on the story for a bit.

-----------

*Inside the story, inside the van, inside Ante's mind, an inside thought thinks about how boring it is inside this ride to somewhere he's not familiar with.*

Ante (to himself): I wonder how long Ares will sit idly by while a religion is created from this story that I'm a part of where people worship a pidgeon... And how did I realize that this is a story, anyway? Oh well, I gotta pass this boredom by somehow.
*Ante takes his singularity gun and starts to re-shape it. Soon he's holding a wooden acoustic guitar. He promptly begins playing a familiar tune...*

Ante (singing): Wasting away again in neverendingness. Looking for a brand new shaker of salt. Some people claim that I'm the person to blame, but I know (doo doo do do doooooo) that it's Miss Fire's fault!

What will become of Geb and TLTENTW? Where is the van going? How long will it take for ATW to call Ares about the whole Nessianity craze? Where is the van going? Attempt to find out these answers in subsequent posts of "The NEST"!
/Addendum\: NEST stands for NeverEnding Story Thread. HA!
[This message has been edited by Antestarr (edited July 30, 2001).]

Antestarr's post

*NSP: You know, thinking back, I can remember a time. A much simpler time. A time when the "writers" were nothing more than entities that somehow controlled our world. It's interesting how things go. One moment you have this idea floating around of people controlling your fate, the next moment half the story follows them, the moment after that they become more important than the story itself. It's almost tragic, really. Kinda makes you think. That is, if you've read every page... every post... Oh well, enough of my little outburst. Get posting, people!*

The Last True Evil's post

(NSP: According to the Massassi news page, any posts between now and approx. Tuesday will be destroyed when the server changes, so remember to save your posts from now on!)

*TLTETW stands on the deck of the Soviet Submarine Klass Akt, shouting commands to the troops.*

TLTETW: Avast, ye landlubbers! More power! Scotty, MORE POWER!!!

Scotty: (From the engine room) I can't dooo it Keptin, I dooon't have the power!!

TLTETW: No excuses! I want more power and I want it 90 seconds ago! Yuri, fire another torpedo at the aircraft wreckage! Miroslav, get the radar system un-jammed, dammitall! Boris, blow the ballast tanks! Bob, get me a cuppajoe! Vladimir, wipe that humanoid-shaped coffee stain off the radar!

Vladimir: I'm afraid that's not a coffee stain, sir, that's actually a human...he appears to be clinging to our submarine.

TLTETW: Give me a visual...

*The image of Michael McLongnameTW appears on the main screen, slightly blue due to asphyxiation, but no worse for wear.*

TLTETW: Damn you, McLongname...damn you.

*He considers for a moment.*

TLTETW: Yuri, lock up these documents and see that they make it to Siberian command, no matter what!

Yuri: Sir!

TLTETW: Bob, surface the sub!

Bob: Sir?

TLTETW: DO IT!

*Rapidly, the submarine rises, until they reach the ocean surface. On top of the submarine, MichaelTW sucks in a long breath and fights unconsciousness.*

TLTETW: I'm going up there to teach that ignorant American a lesson...in Russian combat.

*He races for the access hatch, stopping only to snatch a nasty-looking Russian scythe from the armoury...*

Janitor Bob's post

[Nsp: You mean that there's a realm other than the writers realm?!! Now you tell me. But, seriously, Once we get done with the TLTE stuff, and the other writers get out of prison, I'll try to put the focus more on the heroes]

*As the NES film rolls on, a member of the audience raises his hand*

Audience member: Uh… Mr. Narrator guy! I have a question!

Yes…

Audience member: So… the plane has actually crashed in South Dakota?

North Dakota, yes.

Audience member: But… North Dakota isn’t anywhere near Russia.

Krig isn’t exactly known for his Navigational Skills.
Audience member: Krig’s a Viking! All Vikings are good…

Next question, please

Audience member: And there is a Soviet Submarine floating around too?

Your reading comprehension skills seem to be improving…

Audience member: Why is one of the crew on the sub is named Bob?

uh... That's going to be part of a major plot development... I think...

Audience member: But this Soviet Sub is in North Dakota…?

Well, maybe they got lost too

Audience member: But isn’t North Dakota landlock…

LOOK! Just shut up, sit down, watch the movie, and eat your Goobers ™!

------------

*Meanwhile… (Ooh, that makes me feel so nostalgic saying that)… our writers are doing amazing physical feats with their robust muscles and lightning quick reflexes despite the fact that the only previous physical activity that they had engaged in involved lighting quick typing skills. I mean, come on, let’s face it. They're writers.*

*As the completely submerged plane descends to the bottom of Lake Sakakawea, in North Dakota, Losien gives sound advice to the frightened passengers*

Losien the Writer: Okay… whatever you do, don’t inhale.

*Krig the writer wakes up from his peaceful slumber. He too, gives one of his insightful observations that he is known for*

Krig the writer: Krig all wet.

Losien the writer: There’s got to be some way that I can save all these helpless passengers, while at the same time stopping the traitorous communist spies, preserving capitalism for the democratic majority!

*The camera pans over, showcasing the professor’s large Nuclear Submarine in the center aisle, that the other writers forgot about.*

Losien the writer: There’s got be some way, but I just can’t think of it.

*The camera zooms in on the Sub and shakes, beckoningly.*

Losien the writer*closing her eyes, contemplatively*: Hmm… I’ve got to think…

* A siren blares and the words, HINT HINT appear at the bottom of the screen*

*While Losien is too deep in thought to notice these hints. However, Krig does notice them. But where others see a giant sub, Krig sees… a giant sub*

*(Sub sandwich that is)*

*Still hungry, despite the fact that he had recently eaten an AK-47 and a large percentage of the airplane, charged up to the submarine, and just happens to open the hatch, and fall inside*

(Krig eating inedible things seems to be a reoccurring theme in the Neverending Story Thread)

*Losien and the passengers jump into the sub before any water can get into it*

Losien the writer: Professor!

Professor: Yes, Ma’am?

Losien the Writer: Get us out of this plane! Then stop that Soviet Submarine.

Professor: Certainly! But first, may I use a Kleenex?

*Losien hands him a tissue*

*The Professor immediately uses the tissue and his astounding engineering abilities to construct a ICBM missile launcher. He launches a missile into the side of the plane. With a blinding flash the plane is disintegrated; the blast causing a shockwave felt all the way at the city of Mobridge, South Dakota*

*Uninhibited, the Nuclear Submarine dives towards the Soviet sub, carrying three writers, the late plane’s passengers, and the entire cast of ‘Gilligan’s Island’*

------------------
May the Windex be with you
-Janitor Jack (Salk Wars)
[This message has been edited by Janitor Bob (edited July 31, 2001).]

[/b]Michael MacFarlane's post

(I was just about finished typing my post, and then I lost the whole thing. Oh well. :begins retyping post
[This message has been edited by Michael MacFarlane (edited July 31, 2001).]

[b]Michael MacFarlane's post

(NSP: Quality over quantity, and in this case perhaps neither, as I've been lacking inspiration. I apologize in advance for the quality of this post.)

(Michael stands on the deck of the submarine, facing TLTE.)

Michael the Writer: Ah, you again.

TLTE the Writer: And more annoyingly for me, you again. If there was any justice in this world, you would be dead.

Michael: Yeah, it helps to have the writers backing you up...

(TLTE swings his scythe at Michael.)

Michael: Hey! (dodges) Put that thing (dodges) down. You could (dodges) poke an eye out (dodges) with that (dodges and gives TLTE a hard kick in the side).

(TLTE staggers back, and Michael makes a break for the hatch. TLTE hurls his scythe at Michael, but too late, as Michael has already ducked inside the submarine.)

TLTE: You son of a...

(Cut to submarine reactor room.)

TLTE: Alright, Mike. Come out now, or I start shooting.

Michael: (Sean Connery voice) Careful. Some things in here don't react well to bullets.
TLTE: I know this ship, and I'll take my chances. You've got five sec-

(Michael jumps out from behind one of the reactors, kicking the gun from TLTE's hand. Both dive for it, seeming to set up the standard struggle for the gun. Suddenly, a voice comes over the intercom.)

Voice: 30 seconds to critical failure.

TLTE: What? What happened?

Michael: (goofy grin) It's a Russian submarine. Something was bound to go wrong.

Audience: Booooooo!

Voice: 20 seconds to critical audience... ah... failure.

TLTE: Aw, screw it. (pulls a knife and stabs Michael) I wish I could be here to see you die, but it seems I'm not going to get that pleasure.

Voice: 10 seconds. 9... 8...

(With that, TLTE runs for the hatch. Just as the countdown reaches one, he dives out into the ocean.)

Voice: 0.

(Silence.)

Michael: (suddenly realizing) It was the automated warning system that went wrong! This submarine is still completely operable, and presumably abandoned.

(Michael tries to jump up excitedly, and is given a painful reminder that he still has a knife in his stomach.)

Michael: Ow.

What will Michael do with an abandoned, but completely operable sub in the middle of North Dakota? You might find out next time, or you might not, in The Neverending Story Thread!

Gebohq's post

"Won't anybody jump in my hand-made arc?" Sem the writer asked in futility, as there was no more plane of passengers or writers, only two submarines underneath him. Feeling alone on his rickity and "cozy" arc, Sem tries to send a package of cookies by dove to be given to anyone who would join him in his arc. As he released the dove though, it promptly sank into the water with the package of cookies.

"What a waste of cookies, now that they're all wet," Sem the writer said to the newly born thread named "Battle for the Nexus", which responded with a burp.

------------------
~Geb

Janitor Bob's

*The Last True Evil the Writer poked his head out of the water and gulped in air in quick, deep, gasping breaths. Clutching the his black leather briefcase to his chest, he looked around and found himself in the middle of Lake Sakakawea, in North Dakota.*

*It was just about that time that he remembered that he didn’t know how to swim.*

*Panicking, and inhaling water like Albueterol™, TLTETW starts to wonder if this really will be the final end to his short but firey existence as a main character*

*He needn’t have worried, seconds later a massive callused hand picks him up by his ears and dropps him in a fishing boat. The hand… and the boat, belonged to an old white haired, fat man, dressed in a black trenchcoat. He had a face that looked like it was the only cushion to several high speed head on collisions. He was one of those men that could only be described as ‘wrinkly’. He let out a low guttural growl*

*TLTETW shakes the fish out of his pockets, empties his ears and mouth of water and silt and stares at his rescuer. A flash of recognition comes across his eyes, temporarily blinding him*

TLTETW (out of character once again): Hey-hey! If it isn’t my old friend and employer Audrey Iosoffechekov’Golvokovichesegeyakatovo Popov! Or Ivan for short! Wassup! How’s the wife and kids?

*Ivan ignores the questions and introductions*

Ivan: Aw... so you have escaped as well, the fury of a self-destructing submarine. I didn't want to do it, but I knew the only way we could destroy that infidel, Mclongname, was to trap him in a burning radioactive hulk of molten metal...

TLTETW: Ah... beautiful imagery...

Ivan: Too, bad that we had to sacrifice the rest of the crew, though.

TLTETW: What? Didn't they escape.

Ivan: Yes... *sigh* they escaped, only to be eaten by large Man-eating sharks...

Audience Member: There are sharks in Lake Sakakawea in North Dakota?

I'll pretend I didn't hear that

Ivan *growling*: You… have the documents, Da?

TLTETW: Da. How could I possibly forget them, Comrade Audrey Iosoffechekov’Golvokovichesegeyakatovo Popov?

*TLTETW hands Ivan the briefcase*

*Ivan opens the briefcase carefully, being sure to not trigger the nuclear devices that so often guard these things. With a click the lid pops open. Ivan paws through the contents*

Ivan: Lets see… we have a blue cashmere sweater, some bifocals… and a book called Aunt Erma’s Cherry Pie Recipes™. No secret documents.

TLTETW: Aw… Rodina
-------------------------
*Meanwhile, in the submarine USS The Minnow, an old lady looks through her black leather suitcase*

Aunt Erma: Humph. I can’t seem to find my eyeglasses. All I can find are these guns and papers with red stamps on them.

Professor (looking at the sonar screen): All hands, prepare to fire on Soviet Contact at 216.

Losien the Writer: Wouldn’t it be better if we’d try to reasonably communicate with them instead.

Professor: Well, yes, but you guys are Never-ending Story Writers. You don’t communicate. You blow stuff up.

Losien the Writer: Stop generalizing me.

Professor: *sigh* It's so typical of young woman to say those things.

Losien the Writer: Hey...

Gilligan: PROFESSOR! The surface sonar’s making those beeping noises again!

Professor: That must mean we must have a surface contact!

*The professor studies the amplitude and frequency of the reflected sound waves coming on the sonar computer*

Professor: Hmm… it appears to be a small fishing boat with a crew of two…

Losien: How can you tell that from just the sound waves?

Professor: Well, the periscope helps too...

*The professor pauses, then turns to Losien. Military drum music plays in the Background*

Professor: Well, it looks like it’s up to you Commander Losien. Do we shoot the submarine or the fishing boat? Your choice.

Losien: Ooh. It’s like one of those ‘Choose your Own Adventure Books’

*If Losien shoots the Submarine, turn to page 483. If she fires on the fishing boat turn to page 252. If she is especially malicious and torpedoes Sem’s arc instead, turn to page 62,579. If she decides to give up writing and run for president of a small Caribbean republic turn to page 1,337 (Note: If you pick the wrong choice Evil WILL triumph and innocent people WILL die. Read the next post to find if you made the right decision*

------------------
May the Windex be with you
-Janitor Jack (Salk Wars)
[This message has been edited by Janitor Bob (edited August 01, 2001).]

Semievil333's post:
HUAAAA!!!! Post 900! 1337!
(I now must find some way to edit the post 900 times, in celebration of this momentous occasion!)

Semievil333's post:

Edit 900 times? Ohhh I get carpal tunnel just thinking about it.
On with the post!

Suddenly the surface sonar begins to spazam and bleep wildly. The Professor orders the crew to surface, and sends LTW to check it out.

LTW, clinging to the sonar equipment for dear life, staring at a sopping-wet white bundle, spazaming on the sonar
reciever: "Cookies? Mmm!"

STW, from his arc, notices the sub and the cookies.

STW: "In the name of NES, I have at thee!!! Ramming speed, One Word Post!"

The one word post immediately begins shooting out random, useless sentences, out the back of the arc, pushing it at breakneck speed towards the Professor's sub.

The sub, being held together entirely by bits of TBNNH, splinters into it's respective components, including a gigantic wad of TBNNH

------------------
The early bird may get the worm-
but it's the second mouse who gets the cheeze.
Omnia quae specto dominavi, et tantam magnus sum, ut non specto!

------------------
May the Windex be with you
-Janitor Jack (Salk Wars)

[This message has been edited by Janitor Bob (edited August 14, 2001).]

[This message has been edited by Janitor Bob (edited August 15, 2001).]

Janitor Bob

08-06-2001, 07:28 PM

*Janitor Bob the writer wakes up from an extended nap to find himself sitting up, in a chair, in an ominous conference room, and tied up- in stark ignorance of NES tradition in electrical tape (the blasphemous heathens!)*

Bob the Writer: If I could… just… reach… my paint scraper…

*Suddenly two ominous shadows step into the conference room. They flip on a switch and a fluorescent light blinks two times and then turns on humming.*

Bob the Writer: Who the heck are you guys?

Guy #1: No, need to get mildly profane Bob. I am Head Guy, the head guy of PPV enterprises. And this is my assistant, Assistant.

Assistant: Howdy.

Head Guy: And we need to talk to you about your… so called… “Never-ending story thread.”

*The head guy makes quote marks with his fingers, angering Janitor Bob*

Bob the writer: What do you mean?

Head Guy: Well it seems the writers aren’t actually writing. For the past SEVEN episodes the so called “heroes” have been sitting on a BUS not doing a THING!

Bob the writer: Well, right now the writers are kinda busy. For example, half the writers are saving the world from an evil domination plot involving clones and communist subs.

Assistant: What about the other half?

Bob the writer: Uh… they’re in jail.

Head Guy: I see. Well. Anyways. The polls have been dropping. Assistant will show this via a professionally done Powerpoint presentation with repetitive ‘whooshing’ noises.

*Assistant clicks on an LCD projector and starts showing the presentation. A chart wipes diagonally, that appears to a graph of the Dow Jones Industrial Average*

Assistant: You will notice that… in the month of… June, we had over a six hundred and twenty seven viewers purchasing pay-per-view for NES. Unfortunately, notice how in the month of July the graph starts free-falling, and eventually, in the Month of August, hits the bottom of the chart with a loud ‘splatting’ sound. At this point our viewership had fallen to one customer, an Ester Rembrandt, who is on a vacation to East Africa and had forgotten to turn off the T.V. and left it on our channel.

Bob the Writer: Great! That means we are boldly striding against the status quo. We are giving our viewers… or viewer, something refreshingly different.

Head Guy: Well, you are right about the “different” part. We have decided to radically change the style of NES. So, after polling the local mental institution… Assistant… the next slide please…

*Drumroll sound*

**5 minutes later**

Assistant: Whoops! Just realized that I didn’t set that slide for automatic timing.

*The Assistant clicks the mouse. With an out of place ‘laser’ sound, and a swivel effect, these words come on the screen*

*Never-ending Story: The Musical*

Bob the writer: WHAT!

----------------
*As the Nestology mission bus putts alone at a hasty 23 miles an hour on the unswerving highways of Missouri. The heroes look out at the never-ending fields of corn in awe*

Heroes: This is boring.

Losien: I’ve got an idea. Whenever I go on camp trips we all sing loud obnoxious songs to annoy our camp leader!

Otter: Great Idea. I’ll start…
oh… it’s the thread that never ends!
It goes on and on my frieeeeend!!! GA_Farret staaaaaaarted writing it, not knowing what it wassss!

*Sem beats Otter temporarily unconscious with his large stick*

Janitor Bob: Well, I’ve got a better Idea…

Hit it, Krig!

Copyright 2001 “The NES Rap” Scoop Dog Doo, Guinness Book Records ©

*Suddenly, with a blinding flash of light, the heroes clothing is ‘magically’ transformed.*

*Krig’s Viking outfit is now black and leather, with large aluminum spikes in random places glued onto it. He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a microphone*

*The Bus radio starts blaring a continuous beat*

Bus Radio: BOOM BOOM CHICK, BU DUM BU DUM CHICK

Krig:
Yo, yo dadio, ma name is Krig,
I’m so hungry ah could eat a pig,
Ah like ta use Bible verses in ma sig
My brain may be small; but ma appetite is big.

BOOM BOOM CHICK, BU DUM BU DUM CHICK

*With an artful flick of his wrist, Krig tosses his Microphone to Geb. Gebohq has bandanas tied to his arms, his legs, his feet, his hands, his neck, his mouth, and his nose. The Bandanas are polka dot orange and pink- the gang colors of the Homey Sapiens, a fearsome L.A. gang.*

Gebohq:
‘Sup, I’m Gebohq, leader of this mess
Now, that it’s this far, I do confess
That it is still running it does impress
Guess, that’s why it’s called… NES.

En Ee Es, En Ee Es, En Ee Es!

BOOM BOOM CHICK, BU DUM BU DUM CHICK

*Bob uses his squeegee as a microphone. As he raps, he twists his fingers into strange hand gestures. (Like a dog, and a swan)*

Bob:
Hey, hey, I’m Bob, Janitorial King,
The best cleanin’ man the world ‘as seen
I’d like to give the world a shiny sheen,
Wit’ my ab-i-li-ty to clean.

BOOM BOOM CHICK, BU DUM BU DUM CHICK

*Otter wakes up, groggily. He has his pants sagging down below his ankles. Geb tosses his Microphone to Otter, and it hits Otter in the head. Even without the microphone, Otter starts blaring out another verse*

Otter:
Hi, I’m, Otter- that’s my sign
Ah, am good, and ah, am fine,
You’ll never find me wit’out a bottle a’ wine,
cuz… um… er… eh… what’s my line?

BOOM BOOM CHICK, BU DUM BU DUM CHICK

*Masseto grabs the microphone, and attempts to perfectly imitate the lyrical genius of all of his favorite rap artists*

Masseto:
**** Masseto, **** ******,
***** **** **** *******,
*****, **** *****!
******* Massassi language censoring system…

BOOM BOOM CHICK, BU DUM BU DUM CHICK

*TLTETH starts to rap also. Unfortunately, it is ‘Soviet rap’ , so only the Russian speaking members of our studio audience can understand it*

*Michael Mcloname decides that he’ll do TLTETH’s verse for him. Michael- clad in an old torn black shirt of a Skull with Red, White, and Blue flames spewing out of its mouth, continues the song*

Mike:
He’s LT evil, Communist drone,
His biggest secret is not widely known
Call agent Hazy- pick up the phone,
Cuz, LT evil is a diabolical clone.

Will the real Last True Evil… please stand up,
…please stand up…

But I’m Michael Mclongname and here’s what I say,
Whatever happens and come what may,
Unless you, are willing to pay,
Don’t you be messin’ with the USA.

BOOM BOOM CHICK, BU DUM BU DUM CHICK

*Cooked Haggis is still dressed in a tuxedo, but extra long chains droop out of his pocket. These chains are connected his pants to his Platinum Deluxe Visa Card*

Cooked:
I’m Cooked Haggis, the Scottish bright-,
And I’ll be your waiter, for tonight,
Would you like some water, beer or sprite?
Just don’t expect to me to always write.

BOOM BOOM CHICK, BU DUM BU DUM CHICK

*Ante has rearranged his acoustic guitar to be a Heavy-metal electrical one. He bangs randomly on it, screaming…*

Ante:
I am Antestarr, nickname’s Ante,
Sit down and listen to my rant,
The writers no longer use hero slant,
And they do stuff that writers can’t

BOOM BOOM CHICK, BU DUM BU DUM CHICK

*Sem looks like he normally does- which is grungy enough*

Sem:
It’s Semi-evil complete with cape,
Every time I want to escape
I use my friend with the donut shape,
Good old holy pure duct-tape!

BOOM BOOM CHICK, BU DUM BU DUM CHICK

*Lt. Randy is fitted out in full military uniform of Commanding Officer of the Third Regiment of Emergency Writers. However- his beret is on backwards- showing that he is just totally overridden with rebellion and punkish-ness*

Randy:
Lt. Randy here- sir, yes, sir
And though to you it may not occur,
but at least in this story I’d prefer
to be a ‘him’ and not a ‘her’

BOOM BOOM CHICK, BU DUM BU DUM CHICK

*Maybe’s garb includes some torn reflective pants that appears to have had an oil spill on them. She also had her hair dyed blonde, and gelled up in several 9 inch spikes*

Maybe:
As introductions go, am’ Maybe child,
So log that name and get it filed,
I’m the one who had all beguiled,
At least until I got ma hair restyled.

BOOM BOOM CHICK, BU DUM BU DUM CHICK

*Losien is dressed in spotless blue jeans and a white brand-name sweater with a smiling monkey that is playing the guitar on it. (Losien just doesn’t seem to… get… the grunge thing)*

Losien:
Call me Losien, as opposed to Walt,
My posts are those you can’t exalt,
All wrong doings including assault,
Are somehow always all my fault

Geb:
Tsk, Tsk, Losien, no it’s not,
All that is a bunch of rot,
Your posts everybody loves a lot,
Now, I’ll give you all a synopsis of the plot!

*Suddenly, the strobe lights go off and spotlights point to Gebohq… the music gets extremely speedy loud and obnoxious. Gebohq starts singing… if you can call it that… inhumanly fast*

Yo, a big fat comet was headin’ towards earth,
And the NES thread was given it’s birth,
Ares laughed at the simple fools,
And challenged the bad writers to multiple duels
The poor thread was in disarray
As the writers fought Sam and Max, and Y2K.
All of this was on Pay per view,
Subjected to analytical review,
Which that was why they made the call
To cause the comet to make landfall
Instead almost magi-c-ally,
It hit Admiral Thrawn’s… SSD
While Otter wanted to go on a Binge,
Instead he… went to Stonehenge,
What happened next, was quite strikin’,
In joined in, Krig the vikin’
Something happened in Canada…
But I’m not really sure what.
I know that last line didn’t rhyme,
But it doesn’t have to,
Because of poetic license,
Anyways, nobody can tell what I’m saying,
Because it so beepin’ fast.
Experiencing viscious torque,
The heroes activated the mod of Spork.
Ya, I too, was in the dark,
As too why they went to Disneyland park.
Then came the part we hated most…
NES
Became
A
One
Word
Post
Transferring back to monotony,
The Arena returned with Bert and Ernie
Later Yoda Krig went ‘splat’,
Dodging Morris the cat
With Losien at the Laundromat,
Ignoring the obvious ‘guy’ angle,
The writers were involved in a love triangle.
Responding to positive polls
Darkside appeared and tried to take our souls,
Candyland! Mr. T!
The Lolipop land! Mystery!
Without a narrator we were sunk
so we resurrected an oblivious punk
As Harvey so eloquently put it: “…”
Valiantly, and dressed in flannel,
we all tried to change the channel.
Reversing the flux polarity,
We initiated a Star Wars Parody.
All was good and even dandy,
Till in crashed in Lt. Randy.
In yet the weirdest plot-twist known,
The writers turned up in the twilight zone,
After a round of ‘Ben Steins Money’
we escaped from the T.V.
But only to have our beloved congregation
To turn up in the Playstation,

*Realizing that he is only on page 16 Geb starts rappin’ faster and faster and faster. Only random words can be caught by the straining ear. These include things such as ‘Jail Time’ ‘Chicken Bone’ ‘Opera song’ ‘More Senseless and gratuitous violence’ ‘Massassi is Dead’ ‘Spooky Taco’ ‘Car Chase’ ‘Microsoft’ ‘Ugo’ ‘Betrayal’ and ‘Audrey Iosoffechekov’Golvokovichesegeyakatovo Popov’*

BOOM BOOM CHICK, BU DUM BU DUM CHICK

Geb: Second verse!

*Suddenly the reverberating rhythm of ‘music’ is barely noticeably replaced with the reverberating rhythm of automatic weapons fire. Noticing that the windows on the bus are starting to shatter, the heroes dive to the floor.*

*Geb instantly thinks that the gunfire must be because of the gang colors that he is wearing. Little does he realize that it is directly because of his singing!*

Geb: Uh… Peace out?

*Yo, I know we have you perplexed,
as to what will happen next,
you will have to read the rest,
of the thread that is the best.

BOOM BOOM CHICK, BU DUM BU DUM CHICK*

Audience Member: Wait… wouldn’t that be The Eternal War?

Shut yo trap, boy!

------------------
May the Windex be with you
-Janitor Jack (Salk Wars)

[This message has been edited by Janitor Bob (edited August 06, 2001).]

Krig the Viking

08-07-2001, 04:21 PM

(Oh no, Janitor Bob, the man who has single-handedly given the NEST fresh blood and direction, is leaving us? For a week? Whatever will become of this thread?)

*The Nesianity Bus, containing the Heroes of this story (somehow returned to their original appearences) rattles down the road, away from the automatic weapons fire. The bus no longer has any windows, most of the seats are riddled with holes and their stuffing is coming out, the fire extinguisher has been punctured sixteen times and has blown up, and the roof of the bus now looks more like a sieve than a roof. Despite all this, not one of our heroes have a scratch on them.*

Phantom Master (In German Accent):"Vot vos all dat aboot?"

Geb:"I think those people thought we were members of an opposing gang or something."

Maybe:"You do realize that we're travelling through North Dakota right now? There are no enemy gangs anywhere within a hundred miles of us. Those were ordinary folk, apparently driven insane by... something."

Phantom Master:"Nein, nein, I meant vot vos all dat musick aboot?"

Geb:"Um... I'm not sure... I just had a sudden, uncontrollable urge to connect with my deep, repressed urban self, I think."

Lt. Randy:"Hey, guys, do I have to sit with Krig? He just bit me!"

*The bus comes to a sudden halt. Looking outside, our heroes observe that the bus is waiting at the customs office on the US-Canadian border.*

Ante:"Hey, driver, why are we going into Canada? I thought we were going to Russia, to save the world or something!"

*The driver turns around, a massively fat fellow who looks like he couldn't get out of the driver's seat of the bus if he'd wanted to. The driver is wearing a kilt and traditional scottish dress, but speaks with an Wisconsin accent.*

Driver:"How did you think we were getting to Russia, accross the Pacific? We're going over the North Pole!"

*Krig claps his hands giddily.*

Krig:"Santy Claws! Santy Claws!"

*The entire busload of Heroes erupts into a monstrous cheer.*

Busload of Heroes:"We're going to see Santa Claus! Yaaaaay!"

*At that moment, a Canadian Customs Officer walks up to the door of the bus, and motions that the bus driver open it.*

Customs Officer:"Ahem, sir, would you please pull over into the lot over there? We're going to have to search this vehicle."

*The bus driver obligingly pulls over into a little side area. Six customs agents swarm the bus, searching all over it for smuggled goods. Our heroes get off the bus and are told to wait inside the customs building. Inside the customs building, our heroes wait for someone to tell them what to do.*

Janitor Bob:"Hrm. This place is awfully dirty for a Canadian place..."

Michael MacLongname:"Yeah, I didn't think Canadian Customs Offices usually had dingy black walls with cobwebs covering them, or human skulls littering the floors..."

*The Customs Officer bursts into the room, an enraged expression on his face.*

Customs Officer:"We found traces of illegal stuff on your bus! By Canadian law, it is punishable by death to smuggle such abominations as Goodness and Purity into the country! You will all by executed by the High Lord Demon!"

*The Otter looks up from his....magazine.*

The Otter:"Oh, yeah, I just remembered. You know how I banished that demon way back on page seven? Well, I found out later that he ended up in the Canadian Parliament and turned the country into a totalitarian Communist hell-hole. Just thought you might want to know."

Geb:"Hm. I guess the 666 tatooed into the Customs Official's forehead shoulda tipped us off that something was wrong....I just figured it was a local Canadian custom."

Egads! Whatever will happen to our heroic heroes? Will they be executed by the long forgotten High Lord Demon that now rules Canada? Continue reading this non-sensical rubbish if you really want to find out.

------------------
Read the Bible, it'll scare the hell out of you.

CookedHaggis

08-07-2001, 04:54 PM

[NSP: Since TACC's down, I thought I'd venture over here for a bit...]

Otter: "You know, being heroic hereos™ and all, shouldn't we do something heroic about now?"

Michael MacLongname: "Like what?"

Otter: "You know, beat the guards up, steal a van, tear across Canada and overthrow the Hig Lord Demon sort of thing."

Geb: "Or....?"

Ante: "We stay here and die. Slowly and painfully."

Geb: "Hmm...let me think about this...."

Otter: "You know, once you die you can't look at porn..."

Geb: "What?! Never?!"

Ante: "Oh no, no porn in the afterlife. No beer either.."

Geb: "Nooooooooooooooooo!"

*In a boiling rage, Geb procedes to single handedly kick, hit, headbutt, punch, knock, beat, prod and otherwise generally annoy all the customs people until one guy remains standing*

Customs Officer: "Er....I surrender? Heroes can't kill surrendered guys can they?"

Lt. Randy: "Well I don't know about that..."

Geb: "No beer and no porn make Geb get slightly vexed."

CookedHaggis: "Actually, we can't kill him. Under section 5b, paragraph 9x of the "Heroes Handbook" (2nd edition)."

Geb: "Well...darn..."

CookedHaggis: "Though the book doesn't say anything about hurting him a little..."

Lt. Randy: "Right. *turning to Ante* Just knock him out."

Ante: "What do you mean?"

Lt. Randy: "Are you deaf? You know, knock him out, render him unconscious, take him down, KO. Ain't you ever watched the boxing?"

Ante: "As it happens, I haven't. I pride myself on the fact that I wouldn't lower myself to watching two grown men kill each other for entertainment."

Lt. Randy: "Look, just hit him!"

Ante: "But why?"

Otter: "Are you deliberately annoying or just plain stupid? We don't want him to leg it and raise the alarm do we? Just give him a wallop and we'll be on our way."

*THUMP*

Ante: "Argh! My sodding hand!"

*Ante rubs his hand to ease the pain*

Custom's officer: "Your hand?! What about my head?! That bloody hurt you know."

Lt. Randy: "I said knock him out Ante, not give him a black eye."

Ante: "But in the films they just..."

Otter: "In the films? You think this is a film? Do you see Brad Pitt or Julia Roberts wandering about?"

Ante: "Admittedly no, but I do see Kevin Spacey over there..."

Otter: "No one likes a smart *** ..."

Customs Officer: "Look, do yuou think I could just...."

*He's cut off as Janitor Bob's broom whacks him over the back of the head*

Janitor Bob: "Right, that's enough of this scene, it's just dragging on far too long..."

Gebohq

08-09-2001, 12:29 AM

(NSP: yeha yeah, I'm going to post now. Standing ovation to Janitor Bob's last post! As well as applause for the return of the High Demon in Canada. Which gives me an idea-r...)

IN the heroes' realm, *deep breath* Gebohq, Semievil, Krig the Viking, Antestarr, Cooked Haggis, Janitor Bob, Maybechild, The Otter, Masetto, Losien, The Last True Evil (the Hero), Michael McLongname, Lt. Randy, Phantom Master, and the small band of faithful Nesians *breaths* wait for impending DOOM to fall upon them--

random audience member: Why the hell are they standing around, waiting for certain doom to fall on them? Are they idiots or something?

That's impending doom there, mister.

Random audience member: Oh, and I suppose a "funny" bit will come up where big letters that spell "Doom" fall on them, huh?

When did I ever say you were in this scene? And are you the same audience member that's been interrupting me every time throughout this thread?

Random audience member: Er...nooo...*tries to look innocent*

Yeah. Anyways, our heroes didn't have to wait long. In fact, they were waiting for about a little less than 8 seconds when, before they could bolt, the High Demon himself appeared in front of them!

Geb *rolling his eyes*: Thanks, oh benevolent Narrator.

No problem, Geb. *snicker*

Cooked: And I thought the voice from nowhere was referring to the game. Demons in that thing I can deal with.

Los: AH! It's a *)#&ing demon!

*Everyone stares at her.*

Los: Er...*cough* excuse my french.

Otter: Don't get so worked up. We've dealt with these things before. And this time, there's only one. We can take care of it.

Sem: *ahem* Otter.

Otter: Yeah?

Sem: We had magic powers when we fought them before, remember? We don't have them now. It kind of has the upper hand on us now.

The High Demon, standing patiently in his black suit, smiles with all his teeth showing.

Phantom Master: *in Little red Riding hood accent* Oh my, what sharp teeth you have...

Ante: A gameplan might be good right now.

Maybe: Don't look at me.

Masetto: *to maybe*I was looking at your face, honestly--I mean, got me man. I'm cool with whatever. Well, except being part of the demon's dinner.

The High Demon, glancing at his watch, was becoming bored of the banter, and decided to make himself known that he was about to attack them, being the considerate bad guy. To his misfortune, a mystical swirl appeared next to the heroes, and not wasting any time, the heroes jumped in, avoiding the High Demon's wrath.

High Demon: ....... Damn those plot holes...
--------------------------------------------
Somewhere deep within the Yukon woods, our heroes are thrown out of the mystical swirl. Around them, they can spot a crashed UFO, a nearby Mountie camp, a secret underground base only true bad guys could afford with the label "Secret Arean (not mispelled--a division of Nesianity based of Ares) Lair", and a small one-road town consisting of a bar, an inn, and the house that Alex Trebek resides in.

Janitor Bob: Well, we may be freezing here, but at least we don't have to worry about the High Demon.

Just then, the heroes spot teh High Demon materializing nearby, seraching for them.

TLTE: You just haaaad to say it, didn't you?

McLongname: Where now though?
---------------------------------------------
In the writer's realm, Geb the writer and TLTE Not the writer stare blankly at each other.

Geb: Er....what were we doing again?

TLTENTW: Dah...trying to kee-ill each other?

Geb the writer: Do we have to?

TLTENTW: Well, you don't. It'll make my part a lot easier.

Geb the writer: I'm really getting hte feeling you don't like me--*points behind TLTENTW* LOOK!

As TLTENTW looks behind, Geb the writer makes a mad dash out the window and in the nearest car.

TLTENTW: ....I can't believe I feel for that. *pulls out cell phone* 'Ello? Yes, could you send some henchmen to go kill Geb? ... Well yes, I would do it myself, but I'm going to be late for a meeting with my, uh...brothers, as it is and well, I'd jsut appreciate it if you could do this for me. Thanks, bye then--da? ...mm-hm... da, I'll remember to pick up milk and bread. Yah then, good bye.

Meanwhile, since Geb the writer couldn't find a car, he tries his hands on a tank.

Oh boy, that should be fun. Can Geb the writer drive a tank? Will the following scene involving Geb the writer be a direct rip-off of Goldeneye? What path will our heroes take now, deep within the Yukon? Will they ever be able to stop the trechery of the High Demon of Canada? Will they continue on their quest to end the plot in Russia? ??? ??-??-????-?? Can I, the Narrator, ever ANSWER any of the questions I ask? No, but the next parts of the Neverending Story Thread can! Haha, suckers! You have to read on where as I, knowing all, knows what will happen and choose to taunt you instead! ...come back, I didn't mean it...

~Geb

(NSP: If we have those other posts saved, should we re-post them, so we can be above 900 again?)

CookedHaggis

08-11-2001, 04:47 PM

*5 black Mercedes skid round the corner, heralding the arrival of the dispensable henchmen.
They screech to a halt when they see the tank*

*Inside Mercedes #1 are Henchman #1, Henchman #2 and Henchman #3. They are identified only as numbers. They all wear black gucci suits and wear dark glasses. The amount of black clothing is to show that these people are EVIL. They all wear the same clothes to show that they have no unqiue personality, rendering them cold, impersonal, and therefore EVIL. The dark glasses not only have the metaphorical styling of closing off the "windows to the soul" by making them black (and therefore EVIL), but they also hid the henchmen's faces, meaning that we do not care when they die, since we can't see their expressions fully and therefore their emotions are hidden- not allowing you to identify with the EVIL people.*

Henchman #1: "Uh....It's a tank. No one said anything about a tank..."

Henchman #2: "My, that's a big, long weapon he has there..."

*Henchmen #1 and #3 look at #2, leaning away from him as they do so*

Henchman #1: "Why do you always do that?"

Henchman #2: "What?"

Henchman #1: "Whenever you see the guy were chasing, be it a suave secret agent or whatever, you always come out with an exceddingly camp comment."

Henchman #2: "I do not!"

Henchman #3: "Oh yeah? What about that time we had to chase Ethane Lunt? "Ooooh, I bet his firearm is cocked and ready to fire" is what you said..."

Henchman #2: "Well it was!"

Henchman #1: "And what about you said went we captured Jim Blond- "I bet he likes it shaken and not stirred..."

*By this time Geb has figured out how to start the engine, and charges away in the Tank.
Backwards.*

Henchman #1: "Look out!"

*The tank smashes into Mercedes #1, and rolls over it, crushing it into scrap (though not worthless scrap, since it still has a Mercedes logo on it, meaning some sucker will be willing to pay for it).
Luckily, the only people killed were Henchmen #1, #2 and #3, who we don't care about anyway since they are cold, faceless henchmen who are above all, EVIL.*

Geb: *driving off* "Sorry about the mess..."

*Geb, feeling smug for managing to fit in a Star Wars quote, looks around for someone to be smug at. Then realising of course that he's in a tank on his own, so speaking out loud is rather pointless.*

*Mercedes #2 pulls away, Henchmen #4, #5 and #6 inside*

Henchman #5: "Let's ram him!"

Henchman #4: "He's in a bloody tank you fool.."

Henchman #5: "We'll be hereos! We can get infront of him then blow him up when our fuel tank explodes as he rolls over it! Muwahaha!"

Henchman #4: "You're a lunatic! A suicidal lunatic! Tell him #6..."

Henchman #6: "Yeah....like....whatever dude...relax and stuff. You're shouting's giving me a headache...just chill..."

Henchman #4: "What have I told you about smoking a joint before coming out on car chases? You're the driver, you're supposed to be in a fit state to drive!"

Henchman #6: *turning his head to face #4* "Yo, relax man, everything's cool, I've got it totally under control...."

*Mercedes #2 drives straight across a T-junction and smashes right into a lampost, reducing the car to a massive pyrotechnic display.
Again, the only injuries sustained were to the EVIL, faceless Henchmen, and a small, dog which happened to be relieving itself at the time. Fortunately, the dog got away with only mild burns to the...uh...area it was using to relieve itself*

[This message has been edited by CookedHaggis (edited August 11, 2001).]

Phantom_Master

08-11-2001, 05:09 PM

(OOC: Man, I hate writers block!!)

In the Story Realm...

*Spotting the nearby UFO, Phantom_Master runs and dives into it. Flipping all the switches to the œºµ±ª¥£¤¡ position, the UFO starts hovering above the ground. Grabbing ahold of the supposed steering mechanism, and kicking a few scientists out of the cockpit, Phantom_Master began to fly around the forest, firing ALIEN power blasts at various people on the ground.

Phantom_Master: (In ALIEN accent)"Let the invasion begin!!"

*After picking up the NeS heroes he started flying at high sub-light speeds towards the North Pole...

What will happen next? Does the High Demon have control over the North Pole and surrounding territories? Will the USA come and take the UFO away? These questions and more will be asked in the next episode of... THE NEVERENDING STORY!!

------------------
I am the Shadow...

Janitor Bob

08-13-2001, 08:17 PM

(NSP: As some of you more observant writers may have perceptively noticed, by the fact that the words ‘Janitor Bob’ are in the upper left hand corner of the post- I’m back! Heh. I just coincidentally, spent a week in Canada, so a demon taking over the country seems very realistic to me… Here’s a very short post, to make up for my very long one)

*Meanwhile, in cyberspace…*

*Enchilada man jogs into the CyberArena ™, breathless, two Anti-Hacker RPG’s in his hands and his back strung with ammunition.*

Enchilada Man *Yelling in a cracking voice *: Hey guys! I’ve escaped the dungeon! I’m ready to help you defeat the spooky taco! Uh… guys? Hello? Anybody here?

*Enchilada Man is greeted by cold silence and the stretching emptiness of the darkened arena*

Enchilada man: Guys? Geb? Maybe? Losien? Mrs. Fire? Herr Taco? Timmy? Anybody? Okay guys, this isn’t funny. Where are you… I know how to stop the Taco…

* 02windsound.wav starts playing as an ambient sound in the sector the Enchilada man is in*

Will Enchilada Man ever figure out where everybody is? Will Enchilada Man ever actually be mentioned in the story again? Does the length of this post even merit a preview for the next?*

------------------
May the Windex be with you
-Janitor Jack (Salk Wars)

Krig the Viking

08-13-2001, 10:33 PM

(NSP: Yay, welcome back, JB!

After many hours of back breaking toil, I have finished colourizing that picture (http://vikingvoyage.homestead.com/files/NES_Heroes_Portrait.jpg) one or two of you may remember that I started some time ago. Y'know, the group shot of every hero in NES, with the exception of TLTE and Michael MacLongname, whom I cannot draw because I do not know what they look like.
Anyhow, in this picture I've strived for accuracy, so the depictions herin should be as close as humanly possible to what the characters look like in their creators' minds.

Enjoy.)

------------------
Read the Bible, it'll scare the hell out of you.

Krig the Viking

08-13-2001, 11:23 PM

*In the frozen tundra of northern Canada, two Inuit hunters wait patiently by a seal's breathing hole, spears in hand. It has been days since their last meal, and they hope to catch a seal that will feed their village for weeks.*

Inuit #1: "Jala shokemo koka kola!" ("Holy crap it's cold out here!")
Inuit #2: "Etundee adidas moonkei!" ("Yeah, my nose hairs are freezing together!")
Inuit #1: "Ugol munki nikee!" ("Maybe it would be warmer if we wore something more than our underwear!")
Inuit #1: "Yoko ezekly moo pepsee!" ("Yeah, these new laws that the High Demon Lord passed about hunting in your underwear suck!")

*The two Inuit hunters put their clothes on and continue hunting. Just then, a polar bear comes bounding over a nearby snowdrift, looking freaked out of its mind.*

Inuit #1: "AAAAHHH!! EKU KOKA KOLA!" ("Hey, look, there's a polar bear.")

*The polar bear jumps over the two Inuit hunters, eats the seal that had just popped out of the hole, and continues running.*

Inuit #2: "Eula lolo emteevee?" ("What was that all about?")

*From over the same snowdrift that the bear jumped over, a high pitched, eerie humming can be heard. Suddenly, a UFO smashes through the snowdrift, flying rather low, laser beams flashing and disintegrating stuff.*

Phantom (in cowboy accent): "Yeeeehaw! Ah almost got 'im that time! Y'hear that polah bear! Ah'm agonna gitcha!"

*The UFO flies away, in pursuit of the polar bear.*

Inuit #1: "Uolo gola slinkey." ("You didn't slip a hallucinogenic drug into my breakfast this morning, did you?")

Inuit #2: "Umgo woola leevais." ("Uh, well, yeah, I did, but it shouldn't be working just yet...)

*In the UFO, Phantom is wearing a polar bear pelt. He looks at the controls.*

Phantom (Klingon accent): "It appears that we are nearing the North Pole, captain."

Geb: "Good, good."

Phanton (Klingon accent): "Who said you were the captain?"

Geb: "Uh... Santa Clause!"

Phantom: "Oh. My apologies, captain."

*Janitor Bob, sitting at one of the many consoles in the spacious UFO, notices something on a nearby display screen.*

Janitor Bob: "Hey, guys, there's a strange blob on this radar screen..."

Antestarr:"Why would a civilization advanced enough to build interstellar spacecraft still use radar?"

Geb: "Shut up and go along with it, Ante! What's it look like, Janitor Bob?"

Janitor Bob: "Uh, well, it looks sorta like a sleigh... Pulled by eight tiny reindeer!"

Geb: "A sleigh pulled by reindeer, eh? Hm... I've never heard of anything like it. Let's kill it, just to be safe. Fire Torpedo!"

*Phantom hits a button. Krig, off exploring a small, straight tunnel in the UFO, hears a slamming noise, and looks behind him to find the passageway he just came through now closed off.*

Phantom (in Upper Mongolian accent): "Torpedo away!"

Janitor Bob: "Ah, I see the torpedo on radar! That's odd, it has a vague, short-hairy-Vikingish shape to it..."

Oh, no! Have our heroes just torpedoed Santa Clause?! Have they just shot the lovable Krig the Viking out of the torpedo tube? How does Phantom Master know how to fly a UFO anyways? Can I please have all of your money now? Yes, you! Who did you think I meant?!

--Uh, erm, tune in next time, etc etc etc.

------------------
Read the Bible, it'll scare the hell out of you.

Janitor Bob

08-14-2001, 12:58 PM

[NSP: Ooh! Ooh! I wanna see the picture! Unfortunately, my filter won't allow any sites that are usefull. So could you E-mail it to me again? (At Janitorbobnes@yahoo.com) Thanks!)

*Activating it's Turbo Quadra Photon Thrusters, the UFO manuvers through the a craggy ravine of the Wrangel mountains of the Yukon. Santa's Sleigh executes a hairpin turn. Santa hangs on helplessly as he watches his red hat blow off and plummet down to be buried in a monsterous snow drift. Despite this the UFO is right on it's tail. And the VYKNG class torpedo weaves up and down, avoiding the Sleighs anti-missile flak, intent on ramming the sleigh at full speed*

Janitor Bob: It's pingin', it's pingin' almost there...

TLTETH *rubbing his hands*: BWA HA HA!! When that torpedo hits Santa's air vehicle, it will mean the END OF CHRISTMAS! FOREVOR!!!

Phantom Master *In very bad acting, kid's movie accent*: Oh, no! Not the end of Christmas!

Janitor Bob: Uh... what about the more religious aspects of Christmas, like...

*CENSORED BY THE AMERICAN SOCIETY FOR RELIGIOUS TOLERANCE*

Geb: Hey, I see me, TLTE, Antestarr, Bob, Phantom, and Krig was here, but where is everybody else?

Janitor Bob *looking at console*: Well, it says here that the maximum weight capacity of this UFO is 6 heroes... the others must have not been abducted because they couldn't fit.

Antestarr: Hey! How do you know how to read that strange cryptic Alien language?

Bob: Uh... Janitorial School?

Geb: Shoulda guessed.

*Finally, the torpedo rams into the sleigh, which shakes like a bowl full of Jelly.*

Krig *in sleigh*: Oh... Krig head hurt.

Santa: HO HO HO! It must be one of those short little stone Talking Lawn Ornaments I ordered for the upcoming season.

Krig: Krig not lawn ornament. Krig fearsome viking.

Santa: HO HO HO.

Krig: Krig think Santa needs to lay off the anti-depressants...
--------

Geb: DAMAGE REPORT!

Janitor Bob: Uh... minimal sir! The craft seems to be made of stronger stuff than we previously imagined. Either that or the Torpedo was made of weaker stuff than we imagined...

*Taking a chance, Santa orders his reindeer to zoom through a low hanging rock archway. A reindeers antler is chipped off as they barely clear it. As the UFO attempts to travel through it as well a rock smashes into the windshield severly damaging the flux campacitator array.*

Santa: HO HO HO! Faster! I need these stupid reindeer to go faster, you morons!

*An elf sits at a console which has a computer screen with 9 blue outlines of reindeers with numbers next to them. The elf has a kilt.*

Scottish elf: THEIR GIVIN' IT ALL THEY'VE GOT, CAP'N!

SANTA: HO HO HO!! CRUD! Okay, no more Mr. Kind and Jolly. Elf #1467! Fire the guns.

*Elf #1467 reaches into Santa's sack and brings out a rapid fire cannon. He mounts it on the back of the sleigh, braces himself, and then starts firing a barrage of snowballs.*

*Snowballs pelt the surface of the UFO. One goes through the broken windsheild and knocks Phantom unconcious.*

TLTETH: Don't panic, comrades!

*TLTETH jumps into the pilot seat and pushes a few buttons. 5 joysticks pops up and a targeting console.*

TLTETH: Unfortunately, this craft is designed for creatures with 13 arms...

*Expertly, TLTETH manuvers the alien spacecraft through the snowy mountains and valleys, far better than Phantom did*

Antestarr: You know how to drive a UFO too!

TLTETH: Da. It's one of the things we soviet agents are very skilled at. We've been driving UFO's for years. How do you think we were able to execute the Kennedy assassination!

Antestarr: Oh. Of course.

*TLTETH brings the targeting console up to his eyes.*

*The UFO starts shooting out high speed purple beams at the sleigh. Most miss, and cause major avalanches.*

Scottish Elf: We can't take ut much longe'!

*A beam hit's one of the reindeer. Flaming and smoking the reindeer spirals down out of formation and impacts on the snowy valley below. Seconds later, the reindeer explodes, sending up a column of fire and snowy debris.*

*On the computer monitor on Santa's sled one of the blue reindeer outlines flashes, and then glows red*

Scottish Elf: We just lost Prancer!!!

Santa: HO HO HO!!

*Will Santa's sled be destroyed? Will Phantom be okay? What color was that snowball that hit him in the mouth? Tune in next time on Krig: The Viking that saved Christmas*

------------------
May the Windex be with you
-Janitor Jack (Salk Wars)

[This message has been edited by Janitor Bob (edited August 14, 2001).]

The Last True Evil

08-16-2001, 06:06 AM

*Somewhere, in lower Zambezi, TLTETW and his boss, who we'll call Ivan from now on, stand in line for a plane to Moscow.*

Ivan: I can't beleeeve you lost the secret documents, TLTETW!

TLTETW: Ahhh, shaddup.

Ivan: Maybe you won't be so cocky when you hear the news about OLTE.

*TLTETW's eyes widen.*

TLTETW: He's....back?

Ivan: Da...and he wants those documents...

TLTETW: I'll...I'll find them! We already have a name...we'll get them back.

Ivan: See that you do...OLTE is not as forgiving as I.

*He storms away, leaving a quivering TLTETW to catch the plane to Moscow.*

TLTETW: Rodina!

!BUT THEN!

*GebohqTW storms through a crowded marketplace in his tank, trying not to hurt any cute little doggies on his way.*

GebohqTW: Hey, I'm getting pretty good at this! Now, to stop all the TLTE's and their evil conspiracies-

*Suddenly, he spots TLTETW in the middle of the marketplace, with an RPG launcher.*

GebohqTW: Smeg.

*Instinctively, he speeds up, and the tank hits TLTE just as the grenade fires. There is a HUGE explosion, and the marketplace is lit up by the sheer...huge-osity of it. Eventually, the smoke and fire clears. Predictably, Geb crawls out from under the wreckage, having sheltered himself in the plot-hole-airbag within the tank.*

GebohqTW: But what about TLTENTW?

*Suddenly, he spots the broken, still form of TLTENTW a few feet away. He pulls the shrapnel off him.*

TLTENTW: Geb..bohq...forg-give me..

GebohqTW: I forgive you. You may die in peace.

TLTENTW: But before I go...know this....I am n-not who you think...I am.

GebohqTW: Whatchoo talkin' bout?

TLTENTW: Help me...take off this...mask.

*Slowly, GebohqTW removes the fake LTE's face, revealing...ANOTHER IDENTICAL FACE!*

TLTE: You see?

GebohqTW: No...not really...

TLTETW: I am...TLTETSI...The Last True Evil The Stand-In. TLTETW...asked me to distract you. I'm...sorry.

*He dies. Gebohq makes to turn, just as TLTETW's garrotting wire slips around his throat, tightening instantly...*

Has TLTETW punched Gebohq's ticket permanently? Will TLTETW escape the wrath of OLTE? And how do I, let alone everyone else, keep track of all of these me's? Find out in future NeS posts!!!

Janitor Bob

08-16-2001, 02:25 PM

*Finally, after days of endless back-breaking digging, our heroes finally climb heads out of the tunnel they had created, hopefully to freedom.*

*Unfortunately, due to some miscalculations on Butch's part their tunnel ended up being a tad to short, in that they arrived in the cell adjacent to the one they had previously been in.*

*But fortunately for the plot development of the NeverEnding Story, the Cell door was unlocked*

*Cautiously Cooked Haggis pushes the rusty cell door open with his foot, and the heroes sneak out. Hastily, but as carefully as possible they skulk through the Hallways, ducking under security cameras and dodging detection lasers.*

Randy the writer: Don't... make... a sound...

Butch the writer: *@^&! MY FOOT! #*%@! THE #*@% STEPPED ON MY @*%^(@ FOOT!

Otter the writer: Oops...

*As if on that cue, a massive double door slowly slides open to reveal a massive contigency of the prisons armed guards. Predictably they all wear dark sunglasses, despite the fact that they are indoors. But, as has already been mentioned, this makes them somehow seem scary- not stupid.*

Cooked the writer: What do you have to say for yourself, Otter.

Otter the writer: Uh... crud?

*The first guard sees the writers, and recognition flashed across his eyes, but it wasn't too bright because of his sunglasses*

Guard #1: There they are!

*As the Guards rush forward, Masseto grabs a nearby potted plant. Slinging the rhodedendron around, he launches it through the air where it impacts on the Guard #1's shin. He falls to the ground in pain, where Guard #2 trips over him.*

*Seeing their chance to escape, the prisoners look at eachother... and then charge towards the guards.*

Otter the writer: FREEEEEEEEEEEDOM!!!!

*Unable to stop in time, Otter collides with Guard #3 and the sound of their heads hitting reverberates throughout the hallway. Guard #3 falls to the ground- unconcious. Otter is unscathed.*

*As if he were sliding into first base, Lt. Randy dives on the polished floor, spinning around and grabbing Guard #1's automatic. He guns down Guard #'s 4 through 7.*

*Butch brings down his massive fist on Guard #8's previously round face.*

*Cooked Haggis serves Guard #9 a spicy Knuckle Sandwich.*

*Mr. T starts doing his Kung-Fu things... eliminating Guards #10 through 17.*

Otter the Writer: I almost feel sorry for those guys...

Mr. T: I pity the foo' who pity the foo'.

*But before they could philoziphize any more about the ethics of empathy, Lt. Kedri leans around the corner and fires his service revolver. Once.*

*The bullet hits Randy's gun and snaps it in two.*

*Immeadiatelly, most of the prisoners drop their weapons and put their hands in the air, defeatedly.*

*Otter on the other hand...*

Otter the writer: YOU'LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE!!!

*Otter puts his head down and rushes toward Kedri, screaming incoherently*

*Kedri steps out of the way.*

*Otter runs into a brick wall, where he falls and is quiet for a little bit*

*Lt. Kedri and Aglar step out into clear view*

Aglar *looking at Otter*: I thought only solitary confinement did that to people.

Masseto the writer: He's had a rough day. We all have.

Lt. Kedri: Well, speaking of which, your free to go.

Otter the writer: YOU'LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE... what?

Lt. Kedri: Well, PPV Enterprises requested that you be released to continue to do what you are supposed to be doing... writing. So your free to go.

Butch: Yeah? Well, what about me and the T-man, punk?

Aglar: I'm sorry. But you'll have to stay. A misusage of grammer are a serious crime.
Cooked Haggis the writer: What? Don't we get a goodbye party?

Aglar: *looking at the guards on the ground* Uh... I'm afraid they were your goodbye party...

Randy the writer: Oops...

Whatever will the writers do when they get out of jail. Will they actually... dare I say it... write? Only time will tell. Time will tell...

------------------
May the Windex be with you
-Janitor Jack (Salk Wars)

[This message has been edited by Janitor Bob (edited August 16, 2001).]

[This message has been edited by Janitor Bob (edited August 18, 2001).]

SKP_ITH

08-17-2001, 12:08 AM

hehe

------------------
Please stay seated and dont try any Heroics just pass forward all your valualbes Lightsabers inclusive.Insane Thread Hijackers

SKP_ITH

08-17-2001, 12:11 AM

Janitor Bob

08-17-2001, 07:42 AM

*And yet another foolish citizen obliviously raises the NES post count*

------------------
May the Windex be with you
-Janitor Jack (Salk Wars)

Losien

08-17-2001, 04:02 PM

(NSP: First of all...I know I haven't written in a really long time. It's just been...well, I can't really explain it. But that's what it's been. (If you know what I mean) Unfortunately...I'm leaving tomorrow for Massachusetts/Connecticut. I'll be there for about 2 1/2 weeks. That means that I will go at least another 2 1/2 weeks (most likely) without posting anything. Right when I get back...school starts. This isn't an excuse for my lack of posts lately...but it's just well...I've been pretty busy and I guess I haven't had anything "good" in mind to write lately. *Sarcastic sentence to follow* I just got the results back from my last doctor's appointment...he said I've been diagnosed with a "100%Writer'sBlockitis" The only cure for this is time...and it's not sure that even that will cure it. The good news is...I'm not going to die from it (although - it may cause people to get mad at me because of my non-posting status...and that can lead to murder..) but I'm still here. So...now that I know what I'm diagnosed with...I can hopefully try to do something to fix it. (Ex. Try to find more time!) Anyways...so, again, I'm really sorry I haven't posted in a while. I just want to say...that luckily for all of you...my "2 1/2 week absence" will not harm the NeS as much as J-Bob's 1 week away. Speaking of Janitor Bob - I enjoyed your long post (long is good!) about the NeS writers becoming Rappers. It was great. I laughed so much! Hehe...and I also think it's cool Losien didn't have to be "grungy" hehe. Anyways, I'm particularly sorry to you...for not posting a Non-NonStory Post. I hope you forgive me. Also...Krig....the picture is great! :-) You're so amazing! All that characters look incredible. Just like I pictured...only better. (Does that make sense?) Anyways...I hope...once things get straightened out around here (my home) that I'll be able to find my name more often in bold in the left margin (for when I post) so...we'll see. Thanks for being so...understanding. Oh yes...before I go...did you know there's a song called "Never Ending Story"? (By New Found Glory I think..or some group like that. My little brother was telling me. Hmm..anyways..)

------------------
When life hands you lemons, squeeze the juice into a squirtgun and shoot other people in the eyes.

Krig the Viking

08-17-2001, 07:41 PM

(NSP/OOC: Thanks, Los, 'bout the pic. And don't worry, we'll take up the slack caused by your absence... Somehow. *runs away and has an emotional breakdown* http://forums.massassi.net/html/wink.gif )

*The dingy streets of our Heroes' home city. A dog runs accross the street, chasing a mangy cat, as a car slows to let them by. A mugger holds up an old lady with a knife, as a crazy bum wanders aimlessly, and a large UFO (similar to the one TLTE is now piloting) hovers overhead, sending down a beam of light and dropping an odd collection of people ingraciously on the street.*

Losien (calling up to the UFO): "Come on! Just one more round of Candyland! Please?"

Voice from UFO: "No!"

*The UFO flies off.*

The Otter: "Dang, and I almost had that alien chick's phone number, too!"

*In the background, the mugger snatches the old granny's purse.*

MaybeChild: "Hey, look! We're back in the city where we live!"

Lt. Randy: "What city is that?"

*In the background, the old granny lets out a karate yell, and drop kicks the mugger in the head*

Masseto: "The city of--"

*A random anvil drops out of the sky and hits Masseto on the head.*

Lt. Randy: "Ok... What state are we in?"

*In the background, the old granny and the mugger engage in a Matrix-esque karate battle.*

Cooked Haggis: "We are in the state of--"

*A random anvil drops out of the sky and hits Cooked on the head.*

Lt. Randy: "Oh, I see, so we're in the city of--"

*A truckload of random anvils drop out of the sky and hit Randy on the head, as the old granny walks off with the mugger's wallet and her purse.*

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

*Meanwhile, Santa's sleigh streaks through the night sky at supersonic speeds, mere metres above the ground, dodging through the forest of Christmas trees at the North Pole. The UFO trails behind, agilely and nimbly, with the craft's alien manoeuvring technology, managing to avoid the spaces between every single tree.*

Geb: "I thought you said you could fly this thing, TLTE!"

TLTE: "Da, I can! I juzt like hitting trees!"

*The UFO goes out of its way to knock down the biggest tree in the forest. Unbeknownst to TLTE, this is Santa's Favourite Christmas Tree.*

*Zip pan to Santa's face. Rage builds on the jolly features.*

Santa: "Now they've gone too far! It's time to make a stand against these Martian sons of #%&#s, and save the world once more!"

*Santa pushes a button on his sleigh. Instantly, a high-grade polymer cover slides up and over the top of the sleigh. The sleigh's runners pull in, giving the sleigh a more aerodynamic appearance, small air foils pop out of the sides, and heavy artillery suddenly pops out from just about every unused inch of the sleigh. The reindeer are suddenly encased in robo-copesque flight suits.*

TLTE: "Oh, vlodnoy."

Bob: "What'd you say?"

TLTE: "Erm... You don't want to know."

*Inside Santa's sleigh, Krig speaks up.*

Krig: "Them not Martians. Them Heroes."

Santa (wearing a black leather flight suit, with white fur edges): "What's that you say, little garden gnome?"

Krig: "Them not Martians. Them Heroes of Story."

Santa: "Well why didn't you say so, little garden gnome? I can't kill the Heroes of the Story!"

Krig: "Good."

Santa: "But I can destroy their UFO and severely injure them!"

Krig: "?"

*Santa's sleigh does various aerobatic manouvers, dodging all of our Heroes' UFO's fire. Whipping the sleigh around, he faces the UFO.*

Santa: "See you in Heck, you dang Martians!"

*Close up of Santa's thumb depressing large red-and-green button on sleigh's control stick. Two missile (looking strangely like candy canes) foosh out of the sides of the sleigh, and destroy the UFO in a large, Hollywood style, slow-motion explosion. The flaming wreckage of the UFO crashes to the ground, right on top of the North Pole pole.*

Santa: "Hee hee hee heeee!"

Krig: "Wait... Santa not laugh like that! You not Santa at all!"

Santa: "Huh? Erm... Yes I am!"

*Krig jumps on top of Santa's head, and pulls his beard off. Most of Santa's face, now revealed to be a rubber mask, comes off as well.*

Krig: "Buby00!"

*Where Santa's head should be, Burby00 sits at a complicated set of levers and stuff... Santa is actually a robot controlled by Burby00!*

Burby00: "Haha, you see, the man you thought was Santa is actually a robot, controlled by I, Burby00! The real Santa is tied up in his pathetic fortress under the North Pole! You see, every child on earth will receive next Christmas one of my vast legion of Furb--er--Burbies! Only these Burbies will be armed to the teeth with High Explosives, and many forms of weapons! With every family on earth under my control, I shall rule the world at last!"

Krig: "Huh?"

Burby00: "Great, they would have to shoot the stupid one at me. I... Am... Going... To... Take... Over... The... World! Do you understand me?"

Krig: "Oh. Krig stop small fuzzy creature then."

Burby00: "Hahahahaha! You cannot destroy me! I am invincible! Your puny threats mean nothing to--"

*Burby00's tirade is cut short by Krig's axe cutting him in half.*

Burby00: "Aw, pooo......... *fzzzt*"

*Krig expertly lands Santa's sleigh near the crashed UFO. In the wreckage, Krig spots movement. Geb stands up, looking rather fried, his long hair standing straight up.*

Geb: "Everybody Ok?"

*Janitor Bob stands up, also very blackened from the explosion.*

Bob: "Yep, all ok here--AAAAAIIIIIEEEE! Dirt! Dirt everywhere! Must clean!"

*Janitor Bob goes into a crazed cleaning frenzy, whilst the remaining three heroes that were in the UFO emerge from the wreckage.*

Geb: "Krig, what happened?"

*Krig rapidly recounts the recent rumblings. Surprisingly, despite his talking like a tape on fast forward, everyone understands him.*

Geb (walking over to the North Pole pole): "We've got to find Santa Clause and untie him, and thus save Christmas!"

*Zip pan to the streets of our Heroes' home city. Geb, TLTE, Ante, Bob, Phantom, and Krig stand on a pile of random anvils, waving goodbye as Santa's sleigh dissapears over the horizon.*

Geb: "It sure was nice of him to drop us off here after we untied him."

Bob: "Yeah, but I can't help thinking we've fogotten something..."

*The camera zooms out to a shot of the entire world. Little Russian flags cover every single country on earth, excepting North America.*

Geb: "Oh well, it can't be important. Let's go find a bar, somewhere in this great city of--"

*A random anvil drops out of the sky and hits Geb on the head*

Egad! Whatever will our heroes do now? Will they succesfully find a bar in this great city of--

*A random anvil drops out of the sky and hits the Narrator on the head.*

Ow! How can that even happen? I'm the Narrator, I'm invisible and all powerful in this story world! I'm going to talk to the management about this....

------------------
Read the Bible, it'll scare the hell out of you.

The Last True Evil

08-18-2001, 01:50 AM

*Moscow. Inside the newly-constructed LTE's Free Speech Forum and Dictatorial Totalitarianistic Autocracy HQ, on the 782nd (the top) floor, OLTE broods in his overly-elaborate throne. He has replaced his monk's robe with a much more stylish black tunic and cape. Around him, various LTE's scurry about, working out this and sorting out that.*

TLTETNFC (The Last True Evil the Nervous, Fidgety Commander): Lord LTE, the latest report has come in. We now occupy the entire world, save North America, and of course, the Heroes' Realm.

OLTE: Excellent...deploy our forces. We'll take Washington D.C. by sunset tomorrow.

TLTETNFC: Da, comrade.

*He exits. A very nervous TLTETW is sent in after him.*

OLTE: TLTETW...I hear you have devised a way to break into the Heroes' Realm for me.

TLTETW: Da, sir. You see;

*The next phase of dialogue is accompanied by blueprints, photographs, and post-it-stickers.*

TLTETW: There is no defined way to enter into the plane of reality known as the Heroes' Realm, as it exists to us only as words and grammar. However, it indeed is another world, and another regime for us to dominate. After many years of research, we have hit the answer. We need to get 'written in' to the story.

OLTE: 'Written in'?

TLTETW: Da. Only writers can safely transport characters and objects from the Writer's Realm to the Heroes' Realm.

OLTE: Well, what are you waiting for? You're The Last True Evil the Writer, aren't you? Write me and my army of LTE's in!

TLTETW: Er...it's not that simple. You see, being a fairly new writer, I lack the experience and power to properly handle this job. Even if I could, the process will kill the writer after the job is completed. Our only other option is to...persuade...another writer to do the job for us.

OLTE: You have a target?

TLTETW: Only someone who has proven his skill...who has done the impossible and survived all 23 pages of the NeS...

*He hands OLTE a photo. A well-known figure stares back at him, with a deathly-serious scowl.*

OLTE: Gebohq?

TLTETW: The only skilled-enough writer we could locate. Think of the barrier between the two realms as a 'door'. We open the 'door' with Gebohq's talent, and use his mind as a sort of 'wedge', to keep the 'door' open.

OLTE: Keep talking...

TLTETW: The critical factor is speed. The pressure of the 'door' on the 'wedge' will be enormous. We must get as many troops through before Gebohq's mind snaps under the strain.

OLTE: Most impressive, TLTETW. And...how exactly do we do this?

*A LONG silence.*

TLTETW: The plans for this device are...being procured as we speak.

OLTE: From who?

TLTETW: (Smiling) Ironically, the very man we need...Gebohq.

!MEANWHILE!

*GebohqTW claws uselessly at TLTENTW's garrotting wire as it chokes the life out of him. TLTENTW's demonic grin of triumph is shattered into a mask of irritated shock as static blasts through his earpiece.*

Earpiece: Remember, idiot, we need him ALIVE!

*Gebohq takes the opportunity to flip TLTENTW over his head, sending him crashing to the floor. His boot comes flying down at LTE's head, but the sneaky Russian's reverse-kick catches Geb on the chest first and sends him staggering back. TLTENTW leaps to his feet and turns, facing his foe.*

Geb: So, you need me alive, huh? Why?

TLTENTW: None of your business!

*A Russian throwing-knife is suddenly in his hand. He tosses it with lethal precision and it lands in Gebohq's thigh. Geb cries out, falling back on the bonnet of a flaming car. TLTENTW jumps at him again, but Gebohq kicks him in the face. He leaps awkwardly off the car, pulling out the knife and tossing it away. A flurry of punches and kicks later, Gebohq stands victorious over a bruised and bleeding TLTENTW.*

GebohqTW: Now I Fed-Ex your sneaky Siberian *** back to your own country.

TLTENTW: I...don't think so.

Gebohq: Oh yeah? How do you figure that?

TLTENTW: The knife I threw at you...was laced with...a tranquilising agent.

*Gebohq's eyes widen as he stares at the cut in his thigh. He lurches at TLTENTW, and falls asleep on top off him. Cursing, TLTENTW pulls out his comm-link.*

TLTETNW: Get me a pick-up, fast! We have the plans, and Gebohq...

*He starts laughing maniacally, as evil people often do in these situations...*

Oh, rodina! Will all the LTE's eventually dominate the Nes? Will Gebohq escape from his imminent torture and death? Will the writers (and heroes alike) save him? Only time will tell in...the NeS!!!

Janitor Bob

08-18-2001, 02:08 PM

*Janitor Bob the writer wakes from his unconciousness once more.*

*Once more he is tied up in a chair in the PPV conference room*. However, this time they got it right and used Duct-tape.*

Head Guy: We have something else to tell you, Bob.

Bob the Writer: Wouldn't it be easier to just E-mail me when you have something to tell me?

Head Guy: You never check your E-mail.

Assistant: Besides, it wouldn't be NEARLY as much fun.

Bob the Writer: Good point. So 'wuz up'?

Assistant: Well, our change in format was a 'minor' succsess considering that we now have over 200 viewers. However, for some strange reason they all have the initials TLTE...

Bob the Writer: That's odd.

Head Guy: Yes. Well the deal is, we stil need to attract more people. I'm thinking that we need to do more... promotionals.

Bob the Writer: Oh, you mean like I dress up as a giant Furby and go out on public streets scaring little children and handing out pamphlets?

Assistant: Not. Quite.

Head Guy: Were thinking of more of a... trailer of sorts.

Bob the Writer: Oh, but we already did one of those, back on page...

Head Guy: Yes, yes, I know Bob. But listen, if your gunna survive in this buisness, you've got to learn to recycle old jokes. Got it. Good.

Bob the writer: Okay. I'll do it. But first you've got to help me get this ductape out of my hair...

-----------------
TV Voice: We interupt the end of the world as we know it to bring a message from our sponsors.

*Suddenly, the audience members watching NES see a large green box appear on the screen. On that box, white words are written. The say: The following trailer has been rated 'PG' for having absolutely no socially reedeeming value whatsoever.*

*The box disappears and is replaced by a CGI image of the earth slowly rotating on it's axis in a field of twinkling stars; clouds skimming across the surface serenly.*

*Suddenly, the music builds as a CGI comet is shown streaking towards the planet in a ball of firey fury.*

*Seconds later the view is eclipsed by the underside of a gigantic CGI Super Duper Star Destroyer, the 'Chimi-Changa'.*

*The comet falls towards earth*

*The Star Destroyer brings its guns to bear on the defenseless planet.*

*Suddenly, the comet hits the Star Destroyer, and a massive CGI explosion rolls over the screen, dissipating into blackness as a screeching Techno soundtrack plays*

*Red bold Words appear on the screen. That deep haunting voice that always seems to do movie trailers reads the words, dramatically*

NO FEAR...

*An image of Losien facing the spooky taco appears*

Losien: We're all gunna die.

... NO MERCY...

*Cue shot of Krig the writer taking his axe to a computer*

... NO END...

*A torrent of images of the NeverEnding story pages flash across the screen violently.*

... NO PLOT.

*Random scenes from the story appear, but mostly the very violent ones*

AGES AGO, A WISE MAN MADE A PROPHESY...

Nostadamus: And ten a biiiiig rock vill smash teh planet and *hic* people will die...

Bartender: Okay, I think you've had enough.

AND IT ALL GOES TO HECK FROM THERE...

*Cue recorded shots of huge explosions. These include random building demolitions, the Hiendenburg, Nuclear Bomb tests, and the time Janitor Bob the writer heated up a hotdog in the microwave without taking the tenfoil off first*

VILLAINS. WITH PLANS OF DARKNESS

Darkside: MWAHAHAHAHA! World domination WILL be mine!

Bill Gates: Hah! How long will you continue to drown in self-delusion! World domination will be MINE!

TotallyEvil: Well, hey, maybe we could kinda split up the World. You know I get a third, Darkside gets a third, Bill gets a third.

Ernie: What about me?

AND HEROES WHO WILL DO ANYTHING TO STOP THEM

Janitor Bob: There's a new Janitor in town. And his name's Bob.

BUT IT MAY NOT BE EASY

Paul Allen: Okay, Mr. Gates, what do you want me to do with the company and Customers of Apple Computers?

Bill Gates: Wipe them out. All of them.

A MOVIE THAT WILL MAKE YOU LAUGH,

Audience Member: HA HA HA! They call THAT good writing! HA HA!

AND CRY

Audience Member: You mean the movie's STILL not over... WHAAAAAAA!

WITH NON-STOP ACTION THAT WILL KEEP YOU ON THE EDGE OF YOUR SEATS

Audience Member: Ah, somebody spilled crud on the center of my movie seat...

FILLED WITH UNEXPECTED PLOT TWISTS

TLTETBCS: Because I'm not REALLY The Last True Evil the Bouncy Castle Salesman... I'm really...

*TLTETBCS peels off his mask*

TLTETBCS: ELIZABETH DOLE!!! MWAHAHAHAHA!

CRITICALLY ACCLAIMED

"On a scale of one to ten, I give this movie a 'Thumbs up'"
-Ebert and Gebohq at the Movies

"Okay, okay, I love the movie, now please put that gun down"

An ACTION MOVIE

Gun: Bang.

Bomb: Boom.

Random Expendable Citizen: AUUGH!

A ROMANCE

Losien: Oh, Michael!

Michael: Oh, Losien!

Losien: Oh, Michael!

Michael: Oh, Losien!

A MUSICAL

Antestarr: I am a N.
I am an N-E.
I am a N-E-S-T-O-L-O-G-I-A-N,
and I've got W-R-I-T-I-N-G,
in my T-H-R-E-A-D...

A SCI-FI THRILLER

Sem: SPITSPAWN! The auxilary nuetreno generator has ionically fused to the morphing gasket array!

A TRAGEDY

General Gordita: Alas, poor Taco, I knew him well!

A COMEDY

Randy: Hee hee. He said 'fart'.

A HORROR FLICK

Maybe: You haven't taken a shower in HOW long, Geb?

AND A MOVIE THAT YOU CAN TAKE THE WHOLE FAMILY TO SEE

Impressionable Child #1: Eww!

Impressionable Child #2: Gross!

Impressionable Child #3: I didn't know a body did that when it's head gets cut off!

Starring:
John Travolta as Gebohq
Tom Green as theOtter
Tom Cruise as Phantom Master
John Cleese as Cooked Haggis
Meg Ryan as Losien
Yoda as Burby00
Ewan McGregor as AnteStarr
Tom Hanks as Lt. Randy
Bill Murray as Janitor Bob
Woody Allen as Bill Gates
Erik the Red as Krig the Viking
James Earl Jones/Ray Park/Ian Mcdiarmid as Dark Side
Rosie O'Donnel as the Fat Guys that Losien always has to sit next to
and Bob Hope as Himself.

MASSASSI STUDIO'S PRESENTS...

AN I.S. BOARD PRODUCTION...

*The letter 'N' hits the screen with a bang*

*The letter 'E' hits the screen with another bang*

*The letter 'S' hits the screen with yet another bang*

THE NEVERENDING STORY. THE MOVIE

*The voice stops, and the theatre goes dark once again*

Audience Member #1: Ooh.

Audience Member #2: Ah.

Audience Member #3: Wow.

TV Voice: We now return you to your regularly scheduled the end of the world as we know it

------------------
May the Windex be with you
-Janitor Jack (Salk Wars)

[This message has been edited by Janitor Bob (edited August 18, 2001).]

Semievil333

08-18-2001, 05:11 PM

Time mah bootah! Your the Narrator! You will tell!

Who the shazbot are you?

I'm Ares' clone, don't you remember me?

Crimeny! What are you doing here, I thought you were stuck in the hero's realm

I am the clone of a god, remember? I transcend your petty mortal concept of 'realm'

How about 'dimension'?

Err... no, not that one, but I got 'realm' licked!!!

I see, well what would you propose I do about it?

*Whispering sounds and ahhs and mmm-hmmns and even a ohhh, that's good are heard.*

Ares clone: ATTACK!!!!

The word echos across a large, three-dimensional representation of the world that appears to have been spray-painted onto a beach ball, but the readers are supposed to get the idea.

Suddenly, all across the world, Ares' clones awaken from their slumber, take up the nearest dictionary of whatever language best-matches the country they are in, and smash the entire LTE world domination plan to bits, except in the writers' home town of----DAMN ANVILS!!!! Err... *Ahem* Where OLTE and his right-hand evils were controling thier world-domination plot from. Also coincidentally, the only place OLTE had managed to conquer on the continent of---- OH BUGGER OFF!!!

OLTE: Minor setback. We'll re-conquer the world in a few hours.

But in the PPV office things aren't going so well.

Assistant: We just lost our hard-won viewers!

Head Guy: Hmmn.... Looks like we'll have to take this out on Bob

Run, J-Bob, run! Err... *ahem* We now return to our regularly schedualed programming: "Cooking with TLTETEC" (The Last True Evil The Exotic Chef)

------------------
The early bird may get the worm-
but it's the second mouse who gets the cheeze.

Omnia quae specto dominavi, et tantam magnus sum, ut non specto!

TheSoftParade

08-18-2001, 05:29 PM

Wilson the volleyball came and killed everyone. The end... or not...

Janitor Bob

08-18-2001, 10:46 PM

*In the turbulent oceans of eh... North Dakota, two Submarines break above the cresting waves, and dock at the Sakakawea port.*

*The hatches on both subs open and Micheal and Losien rush to eachother, the lovers' seperated passions once more united...*

Michael the writer: Losien! You Cretin! You almost torpedoed my sub!

Losien the writer: Heheh. Whoops. Next time I'll aim higher.

Michael the writer: Well, all near-death experiences aside, at least we helped defeat those evil clones and their overly optimistic plans of world domination!

*They are interrupted by a T.V. that happens to be lying on the nearby shore, yet has cable. The Channel is tuned to CNN. Dan Rather and former weatherman, Tod Ayitsgon Narain give the World Report*

Dan Rather: While our American Forces suffered a crushing defeat at San Fransisco and Florida as Soviet Clone forces pressed up the Mainland, all hope can only be trusted in the command ability of the Military Leadership...

*Suddenly, in a scene clearly plagerized from 'Tiberian Sun' Dan Rather is interrupted by the sound of a bullet hitting his skull.*

Tod Ayitsgon Narain: What a touching story, Dan.

*TLTETNA (The Last True Evil The News Anchor) pushes Dan Rather's corpse off the desk and sits down in his place*

TLTETNA: Hi. I am The Last True Evil the News Anchor, and I'll be replacing the late Dan Rather for this section of news. The word today for russian forces is VICTORY. Victory is near. Victory for the Soviets. Victory the Russians. Victory for me. For all of me!

*Suddenly there is another gunshot, and TLTETNA slumps to the floor this time. Ares Clone appears behind him with a small pistol in his hand*

Tod Ayitsgon Narain: What a touching story, TLTETNA!

*Ares Clone sits down in the Newscasting seat and continues, in the obligatory monotone voice*

Ares’ Clone: Hello. Today is an exciting day. Our fellow clones. *Yawn* Are taking over the world. We are acting now. Swiftly… and mercilessly. Isn’t that grand.

*Losien looks away from the News Broadcast and at McLongname*

Losien: Call me paranoid, Mike, but something’s wrong.

Michael: Eh, maybe I should work on that 'intuition' thing a little bit more.
-----------------------

*Washington D.C. Our Nations Capital. A brilliant sunset silhouettes the tall dome of the Capital Building. Humidity hangs over the quite town. A flock of gulls lackadaisically glide past. A summer breeze gently slides a leaf along the pavement. A MIG aircraft swoops in and the Last True Evil the Pilot casually thumbs his joystick.*

*Suddenly, the atmosphere… changed. Maybe the sun was blocked out by a cloud. Maybe the temperature dropped a tad. Or mabye, possible, it was the fact that two Sidewinder missiles were screaming across the air towards the Capital Dome.*

*The Missiles impact violently. Thousands of tons of concrete erupt as fire bellows out from the building. All of Washington D.C. hears an earth-shattering noise that can only be described as a ‘Boom’
-----------------

*Cheers erupt across the nation*

----------------
*Meanwhile, Inside the newly-constructed LTE's Free Speech Forum and Dictatorial Totalitarianistic Autocracy Bourgeois Oligarchic HQ, on the 836nd (the top) floor (The building had an addition), OLTE pounds his fist on his large rotating chair.*

*All villians must have large rotating chairs*

OLTE: The fool! And he calls himself one of me! The Last True Evil the Pilot just destroyed the US Capital Dome!

TLTETNFC: Isn’t that a good thing?

OLTE: Of course not! Now that their government the United States will be able to actually function, and make decisions!

TLTETNFC *cursing*: Khrushchev!

TLTETW: Oh, well I have some good news for you. It might take your mind of this…

*TLTETW hands OLTE a package*

OLTE: Oooh. It feels heavy.

*OLTE opens the package, giving himself a minor paper cut in the process*

OLTE: *gasp* It’s Gebohq!

*TLTETNFC takes Gebohq out of the box.*

OLTE: Tsk, tsk, tsk, Comrade. What do you have to say for yourself.

Geb: Ow! My leg fell asleep!

OLTE: Excellent. TLTETNFC, take him to the mind control apparatus.

TLTETNFC: The... mind control apparatus sir?

OLTE: Exactly. I have been working on it for many years. It takes the victims yucky opinions of us and changes them into nice, pretty thoughts, with lots of flowers.
We’ll have him writing for us in no time!

*Ooh! The Neverending Story manages to rip off both Birth of a Mercenary three AND Red Alert Two in the same section! Will more copyright infringement follow? Who will win the Clone Wars? Will more blatant political jokes insue because of the destruction of the Capital Dome? Ooh… it’s just SO exiting!*

------------------
May the Windex be with you
-Janitor Jack (Salk Wars)

[This message has been edited by Janitor Bob (edited August 19, 2001).]

Gebohq

08-19-2001, 02:23 PM

(NSP: I'm back and holy cheese-and-crackers!, NeS has been going at it, and how funny it's been too! I thought your NeS trailer was one of the funniest things I've seen here yet, Janitor Bob (course, I have to be bias, I did one before as well... http://forums.massassi.net/html/smile.gif). Anywhos, I suppose a story post would be nice, eh? Well, you'll have to wait. Until then...)

B.U.M.P.

Another presentation, sponsored by the Benevolent Upward Mobility Post Coorperation and Coca-Cola Company (if only they knew we were the reason a large portion of their profits were dissapering...)

------------------
~Geb

Michael MacFarlane

08-19-2001, 04:19 PM

(Good stuff. With the start of school, I haven't had time to post, and probably won't until soccer season is over.)

Pengun

08-19-2001, 04:40 PM

...
I...uh...
I think this is the wrong thread or something...But I'm very afraid.

------------------
I created the most popular toilet 3do ever!
http://files.massassi.net/3do/toilet2.zip

Janitor Bob

08-19-2001, 04:46 PM

Originally posted by Pengun:
...
I...uh...
I think this is the wrong thread or something...But I'm very afraid.



No, no, Pengun, you have to read the entire thing before you can rightfully judge it... http://forums.massassi.net/html/biggrin.gif

------------------
May the Windex be with you
-Janitor Jack (Salk Wars)

Semievil333

08-20-2001, 08:45 PM

GTW: "What are you doing to me with this extrodinarilly complex device cryptically labeled: 'Overly complex device designed specifically to trap Geb in a long, drawn out death while simultaniously opening a gaping hole between the writers' realm and the heros' realm to permit Original Last True Evil (note the explicit lack of abbriviation), and his company of clones to take over the heros' realm and finally crush NESianity and the Arean sect'?

OLTE: "I'm trapping you in a long, drawn out death while simultaniously opening a gaping hole between the writers' realm and the heros' realm to permit me, Original Last True Evil (note the explicit lack of abbriviation), and my company of clones to take over the heros' realm and finally crush NESianity and the Arean sect!"

GTW: "Oh."

A large mystical swirl opens at one end of the device, which thanks to a convinient writer's short-cut, defies description. Through the portal, with a great deal of comotion, comes a giant trash can.

OLTE: "What the living shazbot is that!?!?"

GTW: "GONK2M4!!! Wow! Long-time no see buddy, wow!"

OLTE: "Sieze that!"

Unfortunately for OLTE, the sedative given to Gonk2m4 on page 9 has long since worn off, and, at this new provocation, Gonk2m4 revs to an incredible 500k GPS (Gonks per second).

Gonk2m4 leaps to free GTW from the machine, and carries him back through the mystical swirl. The machine robbed of it's power, the mystical swirl collapeses and GTW's escape is made good.

OLTE: "Minor setback. A few hours at most."

Egad! How many hours does OLTE mean by 'a few'? Does he intend to recover from this setback on the hour? Half-hour? Hour plus three minutes and twenty seven seconds? And what about Geb? Will he appear back with Gonk2m4 on page nine? Will Gonk2m4 appear on page twenty-three? If a tree falls in a forest, and hits a mime, does anybody care? This and more in the next edition of NES.

------------------
The early bird may get the worm-
but it's the second mouse who gets the cheeze.

Omnia quae specto dominavi, et tantam magnus sum, ut non specto!

Janitor Bob

08-20-2001, 09:14 PM

[NSP: First of all I want to apologize for the pathetic nature of this post. I'm kinda in a 'unfunny' mode right now. I just wanted to advance the "plot" a little bit]

*Meanwhile… in the heroes realm*

Masseto: Okay. Were back here, in the city…

*Masseto sees an anvil tottering off the edge of a nearby building*

Masseto: That wishes to remain anonymous. Now what do we do?

Geb: Well I supposed we could just wait till we get attacked or something. That’s what we usually do.

Losien: Hey, has anyone seen the Last True Evil, the Hero?

*Seconds later, a blinding flash occurs and the heroes find themselves circled by at least twenty… figures. The figures are dressed in long flowing druid’s robes; hoods cover their faces Darth Sidious style, they simultaneously reach into their oversized sleeves and draw out various weapons. Guns, Knives, Grenades, Scythes, staffs, and cooking utensils. They all stare at our heroes with villainous intent.*

*Krig sticks out his hairy Viking hand in an attempt to be friendly*

Krig: Me name Krig. Who you nice people?

*The hooded figures look up and respond in a haunting, raspy voice, simultaneously. The echo reverberates throughout the town.*

Hooded Figures: We are The Last True Evils of the Sacred Order of Light- Intent on Sacrificing Breathing Livestock By the Light Of A Full Moon And Drinking It’s Blood. But you will call us TLTEOTSOOLIOSBLBTLOAFMADIB!

Krig: Nice meet you, Hooded Figures.

Hooded Figures: You… you… are the heroes prophesied by the sacred and holy scrolls of Nostrodamus. You shall die as it is commanded to us by our bloodthirsty hands, this very morn!

Cooked Haggis: Bloodthirsty hands?

Hooded Figures: Silence, skeptical heathen!

Losien: We’re not Heathens. We’re Nestians!

*The Hooded Figures raise their weapons and start uttering an oscillating moaning chant*

Randy: Wait! Before you kill us, can you at least tell us where we are.

Hooded Figures: We…. are… in… the chosen… city… of…

*Anvils materialize from the sky, fall and crush each Hooded Figure*

Geb: Quick thinking, Randy. So, it looks like a new menace has infiltrated the heroes realm. And from the looks of the NES cliff notes, they appear to be Evil Clones of the Last True Evil.

Masseto: Aw, Clone, Shmone. We can stop them.

Geb: Yeah, well, we may be invincible, powerful, and good looking, but even WE can’t stop this Clone Menace by ourselves. We’ll need help.

Sem: Are you thinking what I’m thinking Geb?
Maybe: Yep. The number’s (216) 666-6666.
--------------------

*In the Canadian Governmental Place, the High Demon rubs his hands chuckling softly, thinking up of new evil laws to write into existence*

High Demon: And we’ll make spitting on sidewalks illegal! Mwa ha ha.

*Suddenly the phone rings*

High Demon: Well, get the phone.

Secretary of the Interior: Um… you know, Mr. High Demon, the Secretary of the Interiors job does not consist of answering the phone.

High Demon: I know that, idiot. It also consists of writing memos for me.

*The secretary sighs and picks up the phone and gives it to the High Demon*

High Demon: Oh, It’s probably just Satan again, with another bloody performance review… Hello?

Sem: Uh… hi, is this the Demon residence?

High Demon: Yes it is. May I ask who’s calling?

Sem: That’s not important right now. What is important, is that I have some bad news to give to you.

High Demon: This better be important. I’m on a per-minute calling plan here.

Sem: Well, you want world domination, correct?

High Demon: Well, of course. Doesn’t everybody.

Sem: Yes, especially The Last True Evil. Never heard of him? Well, he’s the man who went beyond simply wanting World Domination, and actually did something about it. He almost has world domination.

High Demon: What!

Sem: Yup. While you were busy reforming Social Security they was taking over the world. You may be able to stop him, and still achieve absolute power for yourself. Better hurry. Well, I have to go now. Bye.

High Demon: Wait… wait! I need more information!

*The High Demon is rewarded only with a dial tone*

High Demon: Mr. Secretary of the Interior! I want a task force on this immediately!
---------------------

*Meanwhile, in the writers realm*

*Janitor Bob opens his eyes to see once again the crazed face of... Head Guy. But his eyes look red, blood-shot, and sleep deprived. They look sucken back and distant as if something has been occuping his mind for days that he doesn't understand. Either that or he went out and bought those new 'Darth Maul' contact lenses.*

Janitor Bob the Writer: Okay, I’m ducttaped to a chair in your conference room again. This better be important.

Assistant: Yes, Head Guy, I’m curious to the nature of this meeting as well.

Head Guy: Oh, it’s just that I was drinking last night and I had an incredible idea!

Bob the writer *dryly*: Really. You can just see how excited I am to hear it.

Head Guy: Well, I was thinking, the title ‘NeverEnding Story’ seems too, well, it gives the impression of Never-Endingness.

Bob: I wonder why.

Head Guy: So I was thinking, in the story, there’s like Clones, right? And they’re like attacking, y’know?

Bob the writer: Well, yeah, but I’m not sure I like where this is leading.

Head Guy: Well, in a fit of inspirational ingenuity, in the spirit ‘fun’ and ‘delirium’ and harkening back to the days of sci-fi pulps with horrible plots, bad writing, and even worse titles, I have decided to rename the story: ‘Attack of the Clones’.

Bob the writer: But… but… that’s… it’s… the most nefariously stupid idea I’ve ever heard…

Head Guy: Hee hee haw haw! Exactly! And then… heh heh… then we’ll find out that Sem is actually Maybe’s sister!

Assistant: Oh, no. I knew something like this would happen?

Bob the writer: What?

Assistant: The lack of viewership and the stress… its caused his mind to, well, snap. He’s completely and totally nuts.

*The Assistant sprints away, and dives out of a closed window.*

Bob the writer: It’s times like this that I wish I wasn’t tied to a chair with duct-tape…
------------------

*Realm: Writers. Location: The Jasper National Park Golf Course in Canada. Situation: Volatile*

*Hole 18. Two armies are on either side of the fairway, staring each other down, hands nervously fingering the triggers on their weapons. Both sides have a massive formation of loyal soldiers, tanks of all shapes, sizes, and nationalities, and hulking artillery. But there is something… different… about these armies. Or rather something… suspiciously the same. On one side stands an army of thousands of Last True Evil soldiers, and on the other… hundreds of Ares’ clones. There are more Last True Evils but the fact that the Ares’ Clones, are clones of a god of war, gives them a slight advantage.*

*Each side readys for battle. The artillery men shove shells into their guns, the tanks roll into position, and the soldiers pick their noses.*

TLTETIG (The Last True Evil the Inspirational General): DISCIPLINE! We need more DISCIPLINE. If we are going to WIN this battle, and thus WIN the world, we can’t be squandering around like a bunch of sissified sissies! We need to come to order. Fight to Kill! Kill to Win! Win to Triumph!

Ares’ Clone General: *Yawn* Well. Looks like it’s another battle. Guess, *sigh* we shall have to defeat these idiots once again. Get ready… for a really… *yawn* exciting time.

TLTETIG:… so go out there, and MAKE ME PROUD. Remember, don’t fire until you see the whites of their FEAR STRICKEN… BLOODSHOT… eyes!

*All the Ares’ Clones close their eyes*

TLTETIG: Okay. I take that back .Fire when in range. But make sure you don’t waste ammunition! We are expendable. Our ammunition… is not!

Ares’ Clone general: Remember. The objective of this pointless battle is not to die for [/i]your er… country… but to make the other side... get killed a lot and stuff… or something like that… * voice trails off*

TLTETIG: Dig, men DIG!

TLTE the soldiers: Huh?

TLTETIG: Don’t question my authority. Take away their liberty… and give them death!

*The Soviet Clones cheer and jack shells into their guns*

*Several of Ares’ clones lay down to take a nap*

*Both sides stare down the fairway intently, thirsty for carnage, but neither side dares to take the first shot*

*As if on cue (which it was) a golf ball soars through the air and hits TLTETIG in the head*

TLTETIG: Who fired that…

*He looks around and then guessing that it was an assassination attempt by the enemy gives the command*

TLTETIG: AYE CURUMBA!

*Artillery shells arc through the air

Ares’ clone: Go ahead. Kill them.

TLTETIG: FIRE! FIRE! FIRE!

*The golf course is lit up with Pyrotechnics and the sounds of War*

[I]*Yet another escalation of the ‘plot’! Which clone will triumph? The slow and methodical or the wreckless and power-hungry? How did the Clones get into the hero realm. Oh no! Does that mean that our lovable Gonk2m4 the writer has been captured and forced to suffer through the newly invented 'Overly complex device designed specifically to trap Gonk in a long, drawn out death while simultaniously opening a gaping hole between the writers' realm and the heros' realm to permit Original Last True Evil (note the explicit lack of abbriviation), and his company of clones to take over the heros' realm and finally crush NESianity and the Arean sect'? Does Canada even HAVE a Secretary of State? All this… and more… on the *sigh* exciting… fun-filled adventure of NES

------------------
May the Windex be with you
-Janitor Jack (Salk Wars)

[This message has been edited by Janitor Bob (edited August 26, 2001).]

The Last True Evil

08-21-2001, 02:42 AM

Annoyed Audience Member: Hang on!

What?

AAM: Are you trying to be hopelessly predictable?

What do you mean?

AAM: I can easily tell you how this little escapade will end!

Oh yeah? How?

AAM: Right...first, an Ares clone will emerge that is stronger, faster and smarter than all the others, who will claim to be the resurrected true Ares..

Go on....

AAM: Naturally, the army of LTE's get into the Heroes' Realm, followed by all of the other writers and finally Gebohq himself, who miraculously doesn't get brain damage...

You've been reading the script, haven't you?

AAM: No! It's that predictable!

Bah. Go on...

AAM: There'll be an Armaggeddon-esque battle sequence in which all the writers and heroes, either always just missing each other or conversely meeting each other and growing to despise their alter egos, fight their way through the warring LTE's and Arean clones (with High Demon in the background smashing them both) to some bog-standard castle or reactor core...

Well...maybe. But I BET you don't know how it ends...

AAM: HA! That's the most predictable bit! The major characters will all meet in a conveniently-placed arena, and whilst the uninvoled major characters rush off to save the day and both Realms, key parties in this plot (say, both Michael McFarlanes, Losiens, Gebohqs, the uber-Ares, TLTETW, TLTETH, TLTENTW and OLTE) will rush off to do battle.

Keep talking...

AAM: At first, it will be your classic all-on-all battle, with the NeS Writers vs. the LTE's vs. the uber-Ares.

Then, in a completely hackneyed twist, The Last True Evils, being Heroes and Writers at heart, apologise for their sins and ally with the Writers against the true evil, the Ares clone.

The ensuing 10-on-1 battle would be epic, if it hadn't been done a zillion times. It's your classic Duel of the Fates meets Romeo Must Die meets Lethal Weapon Quadrology, with the classic NeS humour spread throughout. Then, somehow, the NeS writers, being the Obi-Wan Kenobis of the battle, get separated or knocked out or something, and the Last True Evils go ahead and do battle on their own.

Soon, only OLTE and uber-Ares are still standing, and OLTE gives his life in some silly, pointless way that destroys the uber-Ares and wipes out all the clones too.

Only TLTETW and TLTETH are revived, and solemnly swear never to attempt world domination again. They all walk off into the sunset, yada yada yada...you guys are pathetic!

Oh yeah?

AAM: Yeah!

Oh yeah?

AAM: Yeah!

Well...you got lucky!

AAM: Are you kidding?? I know EVERYTHING about this story, every little shtick and detail...

OH REALLY? Then what's the name of the city the heroes live in?

AAM: It's- (cuts himself off)

Yeah? Don't know, do you?

AAM:....

So shut up!

(NSP: I'll be back with some ACTUAL content later... :P )

[This message has been edited by The Last True Evil (edited August 21, 2001).]

Gebohq

08-21-2001, 10:41 PM

(NSP: And now, the post of the century of the week!)

AAM: So, what now, Mr. "I'm so cool Narrator"?

Well, since you told all(2) of the readers out there the whole plot with the "Attack of the Clones", I have no choice but to skip it and go on.

AAM: You mean you're too lazy and incompetant to write it, right?

Who's the omnicient one here? That's right, not you! So after many action-packed scenes too er...action-packed to describe to you puny readers, our writers find themselves back in their offices at Massassi, once again simply writing for what we know as "The Neverending Story", and our hereos go off on more zany adventures.

...oh fine, I'll give you some "flashback clips" or something.

~~~~~~~~(flashback waves)~~~~~~~~~

OLTE: Have we found a replacement to take Geb the writer's place?

TLTETSL (The Last True Evil the spineless lackey): Y-y-yes sir. He s-s-seems to be called p-p-poster G-g-eb. He's a real religious nut though...er...sir!

OLTE: Right then. Why do I feel like this guy is going to be yet another that goes into the heroes' realm without myself or any of the clones?

~~~~~~~~~~~(end of flashback)~~~~~~~~~~

Yeup, that's all you get. Perhaps some other time you'll get more, but I highly doubt it. Without further delay, we enter, the NeS realm! (aka the heroes' realm)

Gonk2m4: Gonk-gonkgonk.

Geb the writer: What-the? It's page nine, back in the...

A bit farther away, out of their view, the hereos stand. Well, nearly all--Gebohq fell to his knees.

Gebohq: DAMN THIS ARENA! I wish it would go to hell and DIE!

Krig: Krig sense great Evil now.

Michael McLongname: I'm confused, I thought this place was digitized.

Maybechild: I thought this place blew up.

Semievil: I thought this place had reached its maximum number of appearances it could make.

Janitor Bob: And who's this new guy?

Guy next to Janitor Bob: I'm poster Geb. I'm here to bring a level of Nesian morality to any situation we come by.

TLTE: Riiiiiight.

Antestarr: So I get to talk next, right?

Gebohq: No, it's a round robin--there were 2 others before you, but now you'll have to wait. Being the self-declared leader, I can speak whenever I want as long as I declare it for the better of the group.

Losien: So what now?

Gebohq: Guess we'll have to fight evils of the world in this god-aweful place.

Randy: But weren't we just doing that? And in much more intriguing places?

CookedHaggis: Who says we have to fight at all? It's not like the others watching are interested in us more than the writer-gods.

Phantom_Master: (in a er...phantom accent) We must do what comes most natural to us!

Masetto: Sleep?

Gebohq: With fine looking women?

Maybechild: *ahem*

Gebohq: What? Oh yeah, women with each other is something I want...

Michael McLongname: I think he means to bring back a more Star Wars style to our senerios.

->Enter "Darkside", Darth Bad, and Dart Wader.

Gebohq: Where's a savior when you need one?

->Enter Geb the writer and Gonk2m4

Geb the writer: OK, how do I get out of this place.

Poster Geb: Behold, our lord and savior, Gebohq Nest!

Is Geb the writer our heroes' savior? How long will it be before all these Geb's become nearly as confusing as all the clones of TLTE. Can the story revert back to the "good ol' days" when our heroes battled bad guys pure DM style with a Star Wars-esque feel and bad sex jokes, or will the lives of the writers themselves be more compelling once again? How much cheaper could this post have been for trying to turn the story's focus so quickly? I'm starting to think ANYTHING can happen with these guys, right here, in THE NEVERENDING STORY THREAD!

(NSP: Hopefully with less stuff going on, I can focus more on being funny rather than keeping some semblance of cause and effect from going out of whack, though if you wish it, a mystical swirl can take everyone back to the post before mine and er...something. The main idea was to just focus more on the heroes, and to keep the plot near-non-existant http://forums.massassi.net/html/smile.gif Otherwise, I might have to keep cliffnotes on this stuff...)

~Geb

[This message has been edited by Gebohq (edited August 22, 2001).]

Gebohq

08-22-2001, 05:51 PM

We interrupt our regularly scheduled program to bring you...NeS on ice!

A mass of characters from the Neverending Story Thread skate into the icy arena (in hte middle of a volcano still). Krig is suprisingly graceful, being a Northman, while others, such as Geb, are having difficulty not running into the walls on the side. Janitor Bob sweeps all the ice bits cut from teh skates with his pushbroom. For the viewer's enjoyment, Losien is still only wearing a white T-shirt and shorts (and she meanwhile is freezing her buns off).

As all the cast members enter the Ice Arena though, it becomes too crowded, and nobody can move. The show on ice comes to a complete halt as Morris is the last one to walk on. As he does so, the ice breaks, and everyone falls into freezing water.

We now er...return to our regularly scheduled pro--*off to the side* What do you mean "you need more time? That's all we could buy! Just make up something off the top of your head, just as long as it's funny! Those idiotic readers won't know the difference. *clears throat* And now, the next edition of The Neverending Story Thread!

~Geb

Janitor Bob

08-23-2001, 02:24 PM

NSP:

Pardon me, but I must disagree.

[dramatic music starts playing]

While I admit the need to bring a close to all things clone and the overuse of writers as characters, I do not agree that we should revert to the DeathMatch style so prevelant in NES. Upon reading all 24 pages of the story I have found a dramatic improvement in the humor, in the writing, and in the plot.

Yes, plot. While we all jest about 'NES having no plot' we all know that not to be true. At least in the last 15 or so pages. The plot is crazy, zany, and unpredicatble, as it should be for an off-the-wall comedy. But what it shouldn't be is... formulaic. That's what it seemed like in the first few pages of the story. I mean- you can only have so many battles in the same location without tiring out a good joke. When the holy hand remote was introduced into the story the story- I felt- was improved exponetially. The story became fun and exiting to read- and not just funny. As a comedy should be.

I believe NES should be the Massassian version of Command Chambers ANS, the plot similar to a Monty Python movie. I realise that I am only a newbie writer but I feel that we should not continue to wallow in the depths of the arena, that the writers should not be involved as much as previously- but should still be involved to some extent. I have found that having several different plots, several different arenas where battles are happening (allusion not intended) makes writing easier, and lessens writer block. Again, obviously, Geb and the other veterans have the final say but...

That's all I have to say.

[dramatic music ends]

(Smiley face to insure that my speech didn't wreck anybody's day http://forums.massassi.net/html/smile.gif )

[edit: Whoops! Sorry!]

[This message has been edited by Janitor Bob (edited August 23, 2001).]

Semievil333

08-23-2001, 02:40 PM

(NSP: eeerm, J-Bob? I think you forgot to slap an *NSP* sticker on that last post... =P I thought it was a story post for a minute.)

------------------
The early bird may get the worm-
but it's the second mouse who gets the cheeze.

Omnia quae specto dominavi, et tantam magnus sum, ut non specto!

Semievil333

08-23-2001, 03:20 PM

Sem: "Page nine, page nine... what happened on page nine guys, try to remember..."

Geb: "I can't remember what I had for breakfast"

GTW: "That's because we never worte about your breakfast. As a matter of fact, I don't think any of the heros have eaten for pages now."

Krig: "Krig remember... cheese! page ten! not far!"

Suddenly the heros (and their faithful writer copmanion) pop out of the green background of page nine. Taking for granted that no-one will see them, as no-one has looked at that area of the story for months, the band makes it's way up to the top of the page where Krig smashes the page 10 hyperlink with his helmet. The page (for once) loads quickly and the unlikely party find themselves back in the Arena.

Sem: "Krig do you remember anything bad about the cheese? For some reason I feel like we should look for some other food. A premonition of sorts."

Krig: "Follow Krig! This way!"

Krig finds the cheese, now labeled "=AT M|" because of the chunks missing from either side, and divides it evenly among the group.

As the group chows down, Sem ponders what it is that he can't remember.

Sem: "Have it now does Sem! Yodafied will we be! NOOOOOO!!! Yodafied we ARE! The story-writers bastards are!!!! errr... the present company excepted is."

And indeed they were (yodafied, not bastards).

Egad! What now!?!? Will the Heros remain yodafied for good this time? Will Geb's next post reflect his writer's yodafication? Is it possible to abbriviate 'yodafication'? And what of the plot? *FLUSH* Is it doomed to repeat itself all the way back to the present, or will our heros make a mad-dash all the way back to page twenty-four? Find out now! Yes, that's right! Now by frantically clicking 'Refreash page' until the next post!

------------------
The early bird may get the worm-
but it's the second mouse who gets the cheeze.

Omnia quae specto dominavi, et tantam magnus sum, ut non specto!

[This message has been edited by Semievil333 (edited August 23, 2001).]

CookedHaggis

08-23-2001, 04:20 PM

[NSP:
I believe NES should be the Massassian version of Command Chambers ANS, the plot similar to a Monty Python movie

Someone actually read the first ANS? Crikey.

That said, NeS started before ANS, which would technically mean that NeS should be the Massassi version of the TACC version of Massassi's version, but that'll just confuse things.... http://forums.massassi.net/html/smile.gif

Anyway, as for the whole new (or rather, old) story/writing twist, I have to say that I really preferred the writer's realm (I like the slight basis in reality), especially since the hero's realm tends to contain a lot of action sequences, things that I can't write well at all.

Plus the return to "Old-School" NeS is kind of a blow for newbie writer's like me- anything before the 16/17 page is pretty meaningless (gasps from all the writers that anyone would dare post without having read all of it...]

Gebohq

08-24-2001, 11:44 AM

(NSP: Sem has persuaded me to write this into a story post, as oppose to the e-mail I sent ya all)

Egad! Horrible, my speaking is! Write better, the writers could! I sense much sloth in these writers, yes! Sloth leads to apathy, apathy leads to bad posts, bad posts leads to suffering...for these readers and I. Help you, will I! Make suggestions I will! Take you to better story, yes, hehehe...

Jobs, our hereos could have, yes. Action, heh, fighting, heh. A hero craves not these things. Food, yes. Good food and place to sleep, that is what a hero strives for, mm-hm! Seeking on their own, a hero should. At fast food, Krig could be. A master of the custodial arts, such like Bob, could choose the easy path, or look harder for hidden skills. Much funny, if one chooses this path.

Follow the ways of Nesianity, our heroes could. Go to Rome, they must, and fight against those who deny them their Holy Land. Get caught with followers who wish to do so, at least. Meet women famous for their moutashes, eat such food that makes heroes big, be afraid where the missles land. Be very afraid...

Travel the world, our heroes could do as well. Canada, Tijuana, Hawaii, the Orient, the U.K., Disney World. Places where no hero has gone before. Battle the Tiki gods, Ares could, or the other CookedHaggis, they could find. Remember, fluids flow threw our heroes. Pit breaks, they must have if one is to choose this path.

Yoda, our heroes could seek, in hopes of becoming wise in the way of this speak. Hitchhike on a Star Destroyer, they could. Start their own saga, or follow the ways of the parody. Stick strictly with Star Wars, the heroes do not have to do. Realms like ANS, Shadows of Darkness, The Eternal War, the spooky taco. Uncertain, the future of these stories would be with our hereos in them.

Down the dark side of comedy our hereos could choose, or satire their ally could be. Whatever their choice be, the NeS spirit will always be with them. Forgot not their roots, nor the power of the writers. Forget not the realm of the writers, but heroes they are not! Bastards, the writers are! Remember that well. Hurts, my head does, from speaking such.
-------------------------------------------
Hero's realm, this scene take place...

Writer, this Geb is: Speak and write must I this way forever?

Sem: Afraid so, think I.

Krig: Hungry Krig is. Understood more, Krig is oddly...

Randy: Female, I only wish not to be in our future.

Gonk2m4: Gonk-gonk, gonkgonk-gonk.

Losien: Agree, I do. My fault, this must be.

Longname, this Michael has: Wrong, you are.

TE,TLHI(True Evil, The Last he is): Evil, our situation be...

Save them, who will? Which path they take, I wonder? In next post of The story thread that never ends, you will find out. Yes, find out you will!

~Geb

(NSP: Ow, that hurt to type...)

[This message has been edited by Gebohq (edited August 24, 2001).]

[This message has been edited by Gebohq (edited August 24, 2001).]

CookedHaggis

08-24-2001, 03:58 PM

[NSP (again):
Hitchhike on a Star Destroyer

That's an Interactive Story al by itself- "The Hitchiker's Guide to the Galaxy far, far away..."]

Randy

08-24-2001, 04:56 PM

In the writers realm:

Randy: No, that's not right...we can't just give into the whole "Star Wars" franchise. Look at what happened to Episode one.

* All shudder *

Randy: Right, so let's un-yodafy our heroes and plot a diffrent course.

Geb: Well that's a great idea Randy! What idea did you have on mind?

Randy: Uhhh....I was kinda hopin' you would fill that blank. http://forums.massassi.net/html/wink.gif

All: <sigh>

< Our writers begin scratching their heads as they try to find a plot. Randy sits in front of his system, face against the screen, pushing random keys on the keyboard when... >

Randy: Inspiration!!!

Maybe: What?

< All gather 'round to see what crack-brained scheme has been cooked up this time..>

Randy: First, we need to un-yodafy our heroes...

* In the heros realm *
< There is a classic Star Wars screen wipe and our heroes sit in a now famous cantina, un-yodafied, and in traditional Star Wars garb. >

Sem: My face!!! I can feel my nose again!!!

Maybe(jumping up and down): I'M NOT GREEN AND HAIRY..YAAAAYYYY!!!!

Krig: Krig no understand anyony any more. http://forums.massassi.net/html/frown.gif

* Back with the writers *

Randy: Ok, now we need a plot.

Otter: What is this thing you call plot?

Randy: <sigh>

* Back with the heroes *

Geb: So what'cha wanna do?

Sem: I don't know, what you wanna do?

Otter: Let's give Vader a wedgy!!!

Cooked: No, Dark Jedi get kinda angry when that happens.

Phantom (in a ghetto accent): Yo, why don't we go jack a Star Destroyer or sumthin, joo know what I'm sayin' foo?

Randy: Well, considering this is a story and that stormtroopers a notoriously inaccurate, I say we try it.

Geb: It is more fesable than the Vader-Wedgy thing.

Otter: Pooh!!

Sem: Joy riding in a ISD...

All: LET'S DO IT!!

< Now that a tangent has started, will our heroes get out of these duldrums and back on the fast track of writing "success"? Tune in next time for the next smashing installment... >

CookedHaggis

08-24-2001, 05:31 PM

*Hereos' realm*

Sem: "So...uh...how exactly do we go about stealing a star destroyer?"

Geb: "Simple. First we need an ISD orbiting the planet..."

*By sheer coincidence, an Imperial Star Destroyer takes up a position orbiting the planet*

Geb: "...and second, we need a PET."

Krig: "Krig have bunny rabbit."

Geb: "No, PET as in Personal Electronic Thing. For hitching a lift aboard spacecraft."

Krig: "Krig sense plaugerism..."

*Using the PET (not Krig's rabbit), the hereos manage to stow aboard the ISD, which, happened to be clearing a path for a hyperspace bypass. But that's neither important nor relevant (unless of course you happen to live in the way of the bypass, but that's a different story....which has been done infinitely better by someone else)*

Otter: "Great, so we're onboard the ship. What now?"

Phantom (cockney accent): "Sim'le, we ge' to the cockpi', then we find the neares' control panel an' 'otwire this puppy. Unless it all goes pear shaped on the way there, in which case, the jam will be seve'ly ta'en ou' of our doughnt. Know wha' I mean?"

All: "Uh..."

Phantom (Geordie accent): "Aye man, like, what we is, like, we hotwire it like. Then we'll be all like; 'Wa'aye Man!'"

Otter: "But does anyone actually know how to hotwire an ISD? Or how to eliminate an entire crew of Imperial officers?"

Geb: "Well I don't know about the first part, but if there's anything we do know a lot about, it's how to get rid of large amounts of faceless bad guys..."

Gebohq

08-24-2001, 06:51 PM

(NSP: Good post Randy, hope you don't mind the direction of this post. Course, if you do, feel free to tell me so I can er...delete this or somethin'.)

At Earth, an ISD descends towards the surface. Stopping at merely a few meters off the ground, the ISD opens a small hangar door. All of our heroes promptly fly out the door and land with less-than-graceful "thuds". An Imperial officer voice can be heard, saying "And stay off, you hitch-hiking scum!" With that, the door closed and the ISD sped off, back into space.

Randy: Well, so much for joy-riding.

Sem: Why didn't you write us out of the situation, writer-god Geb?

Geb the writer: I did! We would have been killed if we stayed on that thing. Besides, I hate those guys.

CookedHaggis: So what now?

Masetto: Yeah, I'm hungry!

Ante: We seem to be somewhere in the Orient. Japan perhaps.

Maybe: Well, we're kind of money-challanged right now to get any sort of food or shelter--

J-bob: I thought heroes didn't need things like food or sleep or pit breaks.

TLTE: Who says we're heroes?

Maybe: The point is, we need these things, and we can't get them unless we have jobs.

A the mention of "jobs", half the heroes nearly fainted from a close heart attack.

Los: But I'm useless. What kind of job can I get?

Maybe: That will be for you to decide. We should each get our own jobs, and then when we each get at least 5 grand (or by page 30, whichever comes first), we can meet back together somewhere, like the U.K...

Phantom Master: (in Chris Rock voice) That's kinda big, isn't it hun?

Maybe: Do I hear you helping? Anyways, we can then take a well needed vacation somewhere. Canada, Disneyworld, Hawaii--

Otter: Tijuana!

Maybe: --*ahem* but we'll decide on that later.

Geb the writer: What about me?

Maybe: Just bugger off, why don't you? Or better yet, be useful and get a job too. That goes for you too, poster Geb!

Poster Geb: Oh-oh! Can I join a terrorist group of fellow Nesianity converts and reclaim the Holy Lands in our name?

Maybe: Uh...sure. There's a nearby Orient city, and probably an airport. Good luck to you all.

Krig: Krig confused...

(NSP: I managed to hint at or include nearly all the suggestions, yay me! Remember, the heroes are all poor, and homeless. Feel free to join in with a small group, and feel free to write for the characters who aren't written for like Otter. You all have my permission to give jobs to any of my characters as well, since I start moving into college tomorrow. Hope this turns out alright...)

~Geb

Krig the Viking

08-25-2001, 12:55 AM

*Howard P. Hifflemiffer, of the Hifflemiffer, Mifflehiffer and Kong Ltd. law firm sits in his high backed leather chair that all high-placed executives own. He leans over and pushes a button on his intercom thingy.*

Howard P. Hifflemiffer: "Martha, send in that job applicant, would you please?"

Martha: "Sir, he's been staring at me for the past twenty minutes, and every once in a while his eye twitches, and he keeps grumbling to himself about something..."

Howard: "Just send him in, Martha."

*Howard looks down at his desk and shuffles some papers around. The papers are blank and he has no reason to shuffle them around, but he does anyway. The door opens and closes, and he hears feet pad over the lush carpet, and the squeak of the chair as a bottom sits in it.*

Howard: "Urm, now, Mister ah... Viking, is it? I..."

*Howard looks up at the chair opposite his desk... Then down. The top of a horned helmet is visible above the edge of the desk. Howard leans forward and sees a small, dirty bearded man staring back at him. The small man grins, showing yellowish teeth with what looks like slivers of...wood....stuck to them.*

Howard: "Uh...yes... Anyhow, your papers show that you've had several years education in a university called... Sailing? The Sailing University?"

Krig: "Krig go sailing with Viking friends."

Howard: "Uh, y---yes, all right. Now, under 'Previous Law Firm Experience,' you've written something called, ah, Ness? Nez?"

Krig: "NES."

Howard: "Right. Now, what kind of work did you do at this firm?"

Krig: "Krig stop small furry creature who try to take over Christmas. He bad."

Howard: "This was in a lawsuit?"

Krig: "No, red suit. With fur on collar."

Howard: "A redsuit....oh, you mean a countersuit. I swear, I'll never catch up with the slang of today's youth, eh? Ahehehehehehe..."

*Krig looks blankly at Howard. Krig's left eye twitches.*

Howard: "...hehe. Yes, well, anyhow, ahm....what makes you want to work here at Hifflemiffer, Mifflehiffer and Kong Ltd.?"

Krig: "Krig hungry. Krig want food."

Howard: "Ahehehehe, yes, don't we all? Well, Mr. Viking, your papers are impeccable--except here where under "Hobbies" you've written "Krig Smash"--and I'm sure we'll find a place for you here at Hifflemiffer, Mifflehiffer and Kong. Good luck, sir!"

*Howard rises and extends his hand to shake. Krig looks at it for a moment, then grabs it and does a complicated series of handshake moves, ending with a twirl and a slap on the back--although because of Krig's height his slap lands more on the buttocks area. Krig grins, showing his yellowish teeth again.*

Howard: "Er... Yes... Ask Martha for the details on when you start work and such..."

*Krig leaves and Howard sinks down into his plush chair.*

Howard: "These teenagers get stranger every day..."

Whatever will happen to Krig in his new job? Will he be a surprisingly competent lawyer? Or will he simply eat things? Find out in a future episode of... THE NEVER ENDING STORY, ORY, Ory, ory, ory....

------------------
Read the Bible, it'll scare the hell out of you.

Janitor Bob

08-25-2001, 07:43 AM

*After Krig wandered off muttering, "Krig file Libel suit" the other heroes go in search of a respectable dining establishment. Finally, after hours of being booted out of restaurants by large men named Hugo, the heroes finally find one that is cheap, and will accept them.*

*The restaurant is located in the back alley of 'The Onion' and is simply a green, rectangular tub, with the words Waste Management written on them*

Maybe: Are you sure we can't go to any other resteraunts?

Otter: Well, no other resteraunt would accept Canadian quarters!

Janitor Bob: Look at this place! It's a dump!

Cooked Haggis: And it has unexcusable service as well.

*Finally, after what seems like hours of waiting, a older woman walks up. She has her gray hair done up in a 'Beehive' and holds a menu with her oven mit. She has an apron on that says: GM*

*Geb's mouth drops open, hitting their table.*

Masseto: So... you to know eachother?

Geb: MOM!

Geb's Mom: GEB!

Masseto: I guess so.

Geb's Mom: Tsk, tsk, tsk. I told you that you could be out no later than 11:30. And now look what time it is. I'll have to talk to your father about this!

Geb: You mean, Geb's Dad?

Geb's Mom: Look at you! You're filthy. This place is a pit!

Janitor Bob: That's what I said.

Geb: Shut up, Bob.

Geb's Mom: Watch your mouth young man! I can't believe you. What have you done with your life?

Geb: Well... I've saved the entire planet 6 times, and the whole universe twice...

Geb's Mom: And what have you to show for it? Nothing. You need to get a job!

Losien: Ha! Geb, get a job...

Geb's Mom: And you too, Losien. I should expect more out of my daughter. In fact all of you need to get off your lazy hedonistic posteriers and find work. That's an order!

Otter: If...

Masseto: And...

Sem: But..

Geb's Mom: No if's ands or but's. Well, you've made me late for a PTA board meeting.

*With those final words, Geb's Mom jumps in her 1988 mini-van and drives off*

Janitor Bob: Ha ha.

Geb: Well, it's easy for you to say, Bob! You already have a job.

*Janitor Bob glares angrily. He pounds his fist on the table breaking it. (The table. And his fist)*

Janitor Bob: Well, I'm tired of it! It's always Clean this. Do that. Wipe the toilets. Scrub the ceiling. Reuphoulster the furniture And I'm sick of being bossed around. I'm sick of being all 'clean' and 'shiny'. I'm tired of being looked up to by millions of little punks as a ROLE MODEL... I... I... I want to blow stuff up!

*Oh no! Will Janitor Bob become Demolitions Expert Bob? Will the others be able to find a Job? Will McDonalds even accept Geb, the way he smells? How many Prosecuting Attorneys has Krig axed already? See next time on NES: THE OCCUPATIONAL OUTLOOK HANDBOOK

------------------
May the Windex be with you
-Janitor Jack (Salk Wars)

Semievil333

08-25-2001, 03:17 PM

Sem, meanwhile has slipped subtley away from the group.

We find our hapless quazi-malicious hero in a middle-eastern museum, slinking among various bits of pottery and brassware. He is clad in an unusual ammount of black, even for Sem, and has all sorts of nifty criminal gadgets. After dodging several extrodrinarilly dense guards, he finds himself alone in a room with a magnificent gem, surrounded by four collumns, imbedded in which is a lazer security grid. Fortunately for maitinence, the collumns are just tall enough that no-one can see that the tops have not been dusted in five years.

Sem pulls a fire-extinguisher from his crime-vest and uses it on the lazer grid, revealing a 3x2 hole, 4 feet off the ground in the grid. In a 1/2 Matrix, 1/2 Jackie Chan move, he leaps through, feet-first. Unfortunately, Sem had made a grievous error, and forgotten something outside.

Leaping back through the hole, he deftly exited the lazer grid. Extracting a set of miniature surround-sound speakers from his vest, he sets one on top of each of the collumns, and they begin to play the 'Pink Panther" theme.

Down the hall, one of the guards begins to play along with the percussion on one of the brass exibits. Leaping back through the lazer grid one last time, Sem removes the diamond from it's case and replaces it with a white glove with a rhinestone 'S' studded into it. Then Sem walks off. Right through the lazers.

Alarms blare and guards come rushing in. When they see Sem, they all begin to laugh so hard, they fall over. Finally one of the guards regains enough composure to speak.

Guard: "Ho ho! You certainly gave us a good laugh there with that one, and here we thought you'd stolen something! Haha, you'd better get out of here before you get into trouble."

Sem: "But I have stolen something! I've stolen this diamond, as big as my fist!"

Guard: "Ohh.. well we'll have to arrest you then."

Sem: "Haha! Just kidding! I didn't really steal anything!"

Guard: "Ohh.. I see. Well, run along then!"

Sem does so, and runs into the first pawn shop he sees.

Sem: "I need five-thousand dollars and a replacement portable surround-sound system for this diamond, quick!"

Pawn shop owner: "Ok, ermn, but I only have 1 Lyra bills, is that all right?"

Sem sits down and starts to cry as the shop owner begins to count.

------------------
The early bird may get the worm-
but it's the second mouse who gets the cheeze.

Omnia quae specto dominavi, et tantam magnus sum, ut non specto!

The Last True Evil

08-26-2001, 07:10 AM

*Heroes Realm*

TLTETH: Now that my evil plans were destroyed in a series of less-than-convincing flashbacks...

*He coughs blatantly at Geb, who is still too shocked after the encounter with his mother to notice.*

TLTETH:...I need something to make me proud again. Oh well, at least I have the strangest accent in the NeS to my name.

Voice: Excwuse me, I beg to deefer..

*TLTETH spins to see Dart Wader, laughing maniacally.*

TLTETH: So...comrade Wader...we meet at last.

Dart Wader: Ho-HO! Seelly wussian...

TLETH: You insult my country, my family, and my very being by that comment, tovarish. Retract it immediately!

Dart Wader: Wascally wussians...ho ho ho...

*He doubles over twice, first for laughing, the second in light of TLTETH's steel-capped boot.*

TLTETH: That'll teach you! Russians are fiercely patriotic!

*Feeling roused for patriotism, he genuflects the sign of the hammer and sickle, and begins singing the Russian anthem. Wader takes the chance to punch him, sending him flying over the table the heroes are seated at. The heroes don't notice, continuing their conversations even as the bulky frame of Dart Wader leaps over in pursuit.*

Dart Wader: Sah-wwender to my foweign might!

*TLTETH pulls himself up slowly to his feet.*

TLTETH: In Russia, we have a saying;

*The following sentence is so awe-inspiring, thought-provoking, funny and appropriate...it's too good for this story, and is not printed. Regardless, you'd all be laughing, crying and cheering now if it was. Er..anyway, TLTETH pulls out a Russian scimitar.*

TLTETH: Ha-HA!

*Dart Wader produces a lightsaber.*

Wader: AHwww-HAww!!

*In response, TLTETH pulls out ye olde lightstaff.*

TLTETH: Ha-HA!

*Dart Wader goes for his next, even better weapon, and the war of attrition is on...*

Randy

08-27-2001, 01:16 PM

<* Thanks Geb, at least we know where in the universe we now are... *>

< Our heros take off on their "mission". Randy stands in the center of a park in Tokyo, taking in the surroundings he has been deposited in... >

Randy: I have finally made it...I'm in......THE ANIME CAPITAL OF THE UNIVERSE!!!!! http://forums.massassi.net/html/biggrin.gif

<In a seeming fit of insanity Randy races off into the city...>

Losien: Wait! You don't...have..any money...

Maybe: Don't worry about him, he'll be back.

<Meanwhile, (NSP count >= 600) in a local comic shop Randy gazes at the unending variety of Anime, Manga, and related items. Upon noticing the prices on the tags his heart sinks as he realizes...>

Randy: I have no money... http://forums.massassi.net/html/frown.gif

< With a heavy heart, Randy leaves the shop and shuffles off down the crowded street... >

Randy: This bites. I have no food, no money, and no job. The only job I've had in the past was military service, but...I don't think that will help me here... <sigh>

< Just then, while Randy wasn't looking, a Japanese man dressed in an Armani suit bumps into him. Flustered and slightly upset the man glares at Randy, but his expression changes...>

Business Man(in broken English): You need job?

Randy: Yes...yes I do. http://forums.massassi.net/html/smile.gif

Business Man: Ok, you come with me. I give you job. http://forums.massassi.net/html/smile.gif

< With that the man waves Randy to follow him. Climbling aboard a train, they travel to the man's destination. During the entire trip the man is on his cell phone talking to the other party (in Japanese of course) occasionally looking at Randy. Understandably, this makes Randy slightly unconfortable. >

Randy:* I wonder what this little guy has planned?*

< The man looks at Randy and grins >

Randy:* Uhhh...I better stay on guard. *

< What has Randy gotten himself into? Will our heroes complete the goals they set out? These and still more unanswered questions in our next exciting installment...>

Phantom_Master

08-27-2001, 02:26 PM

*Phantom, having remembered that he "owned" the entire Mt. Fuji, called a newspaper and put in an ad, hoping that someone would call wanting Mt. Fuji. After standing by the pay-phone for approximately 15 minutes, the phone rang.*

Voice on the phone: (In Japanese accent) "Hello, Mr. Master, this is the Japanese National Park and Monument Society, and we would like to purchase your property, but first we would like to see your deed to the property."

Phantom: (In slick, businessman accent) "OK, I will bring it over to your office in 15 minutes. Where exactly is your office?"

Japanese Guy: "1424 Yakisamei Lane, Top floor, office #7538. See you soon, Mr. Master."

*With that, Phantom walks over to the nearest sleek, black convertible, hops in, hotwires it and drives off to the Japanese National Park and Monument Society office.*

Ack! Two of our heroes have taken less reputable occupations! What will the other heroes do? Will Phantom be arrested for trying to sell Mt. Fuji? Find out in the next installment in the NEVERENDING STORY!!

------------------
I am the Shadow...

Gebohq

08-29-2001, 02:36 PM

(NSP: Finally, I get around to posting for this again http://forums.massassi.net/html/smile.gif Anywhos...)

Geb: What-da-ya-mean "I smell"?

The other heroes shift uncomfortabley as they knew what was meant.

retaurant owner: I'm sorry, but all our employees must be clean to work.

Geb: But I don't understand...*turning to the others* you guys haven't taken showers either and you don't smell--

Maybe: Actually Geb, we all took a shower at the end of page 22, when you were still in the CyberArena.

Geb: *grumble* What am I going to do then?

Los: Follow your dreams, Gebohq. That's what you always told me...

Geb: I did? I mean, yeees, I did. My dream, eh? Hmm...YES! I'll finally get paid doing what I've always wanted to do!

With that, Geb zipped off and away from the other heroes that were currently about to apply for jobs at the cheap restaurant.

Michael McLongname: Do I want to know what his dream--

Sem: No.
-------------------------------------------
Three hours and seventy-one minutes later...( http://forums.massassi.net/html/smile.gif)

Geb: OK, I have my ho's, I have my superior charms...er, anything I'm forgetting?

Ho #1 (one of the many classes of people whom, by being identified with numbers, automatically aren't REAL people...): How about our financial situation? Do we each have an account? What kind of stock shares do we each get? Not to mention wardrobe, housing, transportation...

Geb: Since when did being a pimp become so much work? At least I'll get my benefits from this job...

Ho #2: Actually, you don't get those kind of "benefits". That's considered sexual harassment.

Geb: What? But you're a ho. I'm confused...

Ho #1: Yeah, and besides, we don't date the guys we work with.

Geb: Just make me some money! Er, please?

Ho #3: We would, but you paid us for our services, not to work for you.

Ho #1: I don't think our pimp is going to be real happy either when he finds out that you're trying to be his rival. Actually, he keeps a rather close eye on us.

Suddenly, the door busts open, and a large burly man in a wifebeater enters, ready to kill clean-shaven-leader-of-a-band-of-heroes-type. Geb began to see his life flash before his eyes, alreay seeing his adolescent years.

Ho #1: And there he is. *to Geb* I'd suggest running right now.
--------------------------------------------
Elsewhere, in the Holy Lands...

Poster Geb: Ok, you know the plan, men. In the name of Nesianity, CHARGE!

Poster Geb, strapped in terrorist arms and gear, runs with guns blazing into the gates of Jerusalum, followed by his small army of terrorists.

Thirty seconds later...

Terrorist #144: Dang it! This bits!

Poster Geb: Yeha, who knew you needed a lisence to terrorize...OK men, scratch Jerusalum. Onward to Mecca!

Terrorists: YEAH!
------------------------------------------
Elsewhere, Geb the writer sits on a sunny beach, being served hand and foot by beautiful women.

GTW: The joys of creating my own environment...

Suddenly, his backdrop changes to that of a member of a tenny-bopper boy band, with only pre-pubesant girls screaming for him.

GTW: Damn you, Sem!

At the pawn shop, Sem the hero is cursed with having to wait for the pawnbroker to count out 5,000 one lyra dollar bills.

GTW: Damn all you writers!

Will Geb the hero be KOS (killed on sight) by the pimp he stole the ho's from? Will Poster Geb claim any Holy Land for Nesianity AND get money out of it? Will Geb the writer be able to get the money needed and retain his dignity, and more importantly, escape the heroes' realm? This and more, in the next post of THE NEVERENDING STORY THREAD!

------------------
~Geb

CookedHaggis

08-31-2001, 01:01 PM

*Geb The Writer falls to his knees. The camera pans round, revealing a half-buried Statue of Liberty*

GTW: "Damn you all to hell!"

*Meanwhile, other characters are trying to get jobs...*

Interveiwer: "And your education...?"

CookedHaggis: "Well, I spent 4 years at Oxford doing a degree in culinary etiquette, followed by a 3 year cusine and cutlery distribution postgraduate course at Cambridge. If you look at the next page of my CV, you will find a reference from Florian's in Venice, as well as from several other major European restraunts..."

Interviewer: "I see...."

*The three interviewers converse quietly, occasionally throwing glances at CookedHaggis and his CV.*

Interviewer: "I'm sorry Mr...uh...Haggis, but I'm afraid you just don't have what it takes to be a member of our team. I'm very sorry, maybe you can try again in a few years once you have more experience."

*CookedHaggis walks outside to the group, a look of sullen reject over his face*

Maybe: "How did the interview for McDonald's go then?"

CookedHaggis: "Don't ask..."

Janitor Bob

08-31-2001, 07:01 PM

*In ‘Ma’s Diner’*

*Dart Wader pulls out Flexor’s ‘Triple Bladed Lightsaber’*

Dart Wader: Feaw, ma powew of cwopywight infwingement!

*TLTETH laughs and in response, rips out a BFG 9000, a Golden Gun, and a Nikita Missile launcher*

TLTETH: Ha! Your pathetic excuse for copyright infringement is NOTHING compared to the copyright infringement of RUSSIA!!!

*Dart Wader shakes his head and heaves out a nuclear missile launcher*

*TLTETH reaches into his boundless pockets and after many minutes of heaving, lifts out a Death Star Superlaser*

TLTETH: Whew! Sure glad to have THAT out of my pockets!

Dart Wader: Oh YEAH!

*As military drums loudly tap in the background, Dart Wader finally decided… it was time. Enough of this silliness. He would finally reveal… his Uber-weapon! Reaching into his cape blowing in the sudden wind, Dart Wader slowly withdraws a lockbox. He unlocks the box, lifting up the lid. Golden rays of light burst force from the box and TLTE shielded his eyes. When he opened them he found himself staring at the ultimate weapon… the.… the (Camera zooms in on the weapon)… THE ROUTISSERIE CHICKEN BARBECUE!*

Dart Wader: MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

TLTETH: Huh?

Dart Wader: Wewl. The eviw viwain mawket was ovewsatuwated! So ah’m now a twavewing sawesman! Ah’m selling this wondewfuh bahbecue!

TLTETH: Uh… but…

*Dart Wader interrupts him. He then goes on to explain the different superior features of the rotisserie chicken barbecue, how it can cook three live chickens and a feral cow simultaneously, and how it cooks the chicken automatically, seasons the chicken automatically, stuffs the chicken automatically, plucks the chicken automatically, and even eats the chicken automatically! And all for the low, low, low, price of $26.00! Plus $1675.00 package and handling! Order now and get a free NES action figure!*

TLTETH: That’s great. I’m sure the barbecue is great. And I’m really happy for you. And your barbecue. But what are you telling this to me for!

Dart Wader: Ah’m hew to wecwuit you!

TLTETH: Recruit me?

Dart Wader: Wecwuit you!

TLTETH: But, I’m last true evil the hero. You want Last True Evil the Salesman.

Dart Wader: Dawn Management! Ah wewl. I need anothew sawesman! Pwease? Pwease be a sawesman!

TLTETH: Uh…

*Meanwhile, across the room at the table, the remaining heroes are still looking for their jobs. They search through the Phone Book and the Classifieds for future occupations.*

Janitor Bob: Man. This phone book is really hard to read. What kinda font is this!

Maybe: Uh… Bob. Maybe you should use the English telephone book, as opposed to the Japanese one.

Janitor Bob: OH!

Otter: Hm… this looks like an interesting occupation. Cubicles… managers… engineering…

Maybe: Otter… uh… that’s Dilbert. That’s the comics page.

Janitor Bob: Okay… Diarrhea… Dianoga… Dipstick Repair Clinic… ah. Demolitions. Let’s see… Boom, Bang, and Kapow demolitions firm… nah… ‘Splosions R us- the demolitions firm that brought you such coveted demolitions as Hiroshima, Nagasaki, and the Hindenburg! Perfect.

Otter: Okay. Here’s an ad. It says: SWF, TLTE, 130 pounds, likes to dance, candlelight dinners, and long walks along the beach!

Maybe: *sigh*

*Ha! Janitor Bob the writer got the first 'personal ads' joke in the employment sections. But has he gone insane... using much... much... much... too many '...'s? Will TLTETH become a traveling salesman? Find out next time on [b]NES: It slices, it dices, and it even makes chop suey[b]*

------------------
May the Windex be with you
-Janitor Jack (Salk Wars)

[This message has been edited by Janitor Bob (edited September 01, 2001).]

The MAZZTer

09-01-2001, 10:29 AM

*The Mega-ZZTer walks into McDonalds and orders a hamburger. He was here in Japan for the many video game expos this time of year. (Also he was looking for the staff of Game Informer magazine, as he knew they would be here also, for their autographs.) As he eats his hamburger, he opens his laptop and surfs to http://forums.massassi.net/ to continue reading the Never Ending Story Thread. Finally after a few minutes he reaches the bottom of page 24.*

MZZT: Man, this is good stuff...

*He suddenly realizes something, and looks at the last few posts...*

MZZT: !

*He runs outside to look for CookedHaggis (to try to get his autograph). Failing to find him, he looks for Sem. Failing to find him, he gives up and starts wandering around, satisfied that with this thread's similarity to 'The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy', the improbability of running into someone from the thred meant that he would find someone very soon.* http://forums.massassi.net/html/smile.gif

(NSP: Well, I've finally done something I've wanted to do for a while: I've registered on this great forum! I hope this post, and my others to come, live up to the legacy of NeS.)

{Edit: Whoops, forgot my sig.)

------------------

There is a theory which states that if ever anyone ever discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable.

There is another which states that this has already happened.

[This message has been edited by The_Mega_ZZTer (edited September 01, 2001).]

Phantom_Master

09-01-2001, 06:13 PM

*As Phantom was driving away from the Japanese National Forest and Park Society where he had just completed a con selling of Mt. Fuji, he notices in his rear-view mirror that 2 police cars are chasing after him at full speed, sirens blaring. He immediately pulls over, being a good law-abiding citizen. The police officers pull over behind him, and get out of their cars. They assume defensive positions behind the doors of their cars and yell for Phantom to get out of his car slowly with his hands up.*

Phantom: (In Good, Law-abiding Citizen accent) "What is the problem officers?"

Officer #1: We have received an anoymous tip from some guy named Geb saying that there is a bomb in your car. And we also have a warrant for your arrest on account of you conning a government agency. So come out nice and easy, and there wont be any trouble."

*Phantom quickly sets his car into reverse and slams on the gas, making the car go flying backwards into the police officer's cars. He jumps out of the car at the last second doing a flip over the windsheild. The car explodes in a giant explosion, rendering all the police cars flaming hunks of metal. The camera pans around and the audience sees Phantom dusting himself off with the flaming wreckages in the background. Phantom walks over to the cars and picks up his suitcase full of money. He then walks off in search of the other heroes...

------------------
I am the Shadow...

Gebohq

09-01-2001, 07:03 PM

(NSP: Holy banannas! Another writer! Since when did this story start attracting so many interested people? And from teh sounds of it, you ACTUALLY read all of NeS up to this date. Let me be the first to say welcome--feel free to do as the other characters are doing at the moment, and when/if it comes up, feel free to include a "MZZT" the writer. Yadda-yadda, blah-blah blah, and w00t! Another writer! Anywhos, perhaps I should post a little something...)

Hoofing it out of the cheap apartment building, Gebohq doesn't even look back as the angry pimp charges at him with a baseball bat. Geb runs until he reaches the airport, where he buys the quickest ticket away from where he was. Geb manages to loose the pimp as he boards the plane...

The next day...

Geb: Hey, I'm in the States now! And how convineant, the studio for "Win Ben Stein's Money" is right over there...
--------------------------------------------
In the Holy Lands, Poster Geb and his "family" of terrorists are making a road trip to Mecca in their Geo Metro.

Terrorist #5: Poster Geb! He's touching me! Make him stop!

Terrorist #4: He started it!

Poster Geb: Hey, don't make me come back there!...

Oh-oh! What next what next! Find out, in our next post! Come on...post faster...

------------------
~Geb

TimeWolfOfThePast

09-01-2001, 08:42 PM

Terrorist #4: Oh my god what is that?
As a comet comes and hits the planet where they stand....
then they all died

------------------
Yeah, but John, if the Pirates of the Caribbean breaks down, the pirates don't eat the tourists. - Ian Malcolm

Krig the Viking

09-02-2001, 12:53 AM

*Terrorist #4 throws up his arms in terror at the approaching comet.*

Terrorist #4: "AAAAAHHHHH!!!"

*The Texas-sized comet enters the atmosphere of Earth*

Terrorist #4: "AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!"

*The comet begins burning, trailing a long tail of flame.*

Terrorist #4: "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA *gasp* AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!"

*The comet pulverizes a flying duck into a cloud of feathers.*

Terrorist #4: "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!"

Terrorist #5: "All right, who let Terrorist #4 have a drink of coffee again?"

*The comet lands on Terrorist #4's forehead. However, having mostly burned away in the atmosphere, the comet is now the size of a quarter, and does not seriously injure Terrorist #4.*

Terrorist #4: "Whew! Now where were we?"

Terrorist #5: "Hey! Stop poking me!"

----------------------------------------------------

Random Audience Member: "Hey! What about the "then they all died" part?

That doesn't happen until ninety years later, when all the characters are old and grey. It's totally unrelated to the comet incident. I'm the Narrator, I should know.

Random Audience Member: "Oh. Ok."

Whatever will happen next in this eternally exiting and adventurous... Oh, I'm not getting paid enough to be eloquent. Just keep reading the Neverending Story, you mindless twits we call 'readers'.

------------------
Read the Bible, it'll scare the hell out of you.

Janitor Bob

09-02-2001, 05:01 PM

*Finally, the pawn shop owner counts out Sem's 5,000 lyra*

Pawn Shop owner: Here you go. Would you like paper or plastic?

Sem: Plasti...

Enviromentalist Audience Member: *cough cough*

Sem: I mean Paper, of course. Wouldn't want to accidentally strangle helpless dolphins.

Pawn Shop Owner: Uh... no sir. You wouldn't.

------

*Meanwhile... in Eastern Turkey...*

Terrorist #4: Whew! It's not every day that you get hit by a killer comet. And of the one post story killer variety too...

Terrorist #3: I know. It's usually just a nuetron bomb.

Poster Geb: But yet we were spared from the mighty wrath of Morris. So what lesson have you learned to day?

Terrorist #1: Uh... Only you can create forest fires?

Terrorist #2: That Atmospheric friction can pose great risk to incoming space vessels?

Poster Geb: Of course not, brother. We have learned that the hand of the writer guides us in our quest, and approves it. The comet was foretold long ago in the sacred scrolls of Nostrodamus.

Terrorist #5: Uh, I thought that reffered to another comet...

Poster Geb: Who's the Theologian here! This also gives us a insightful look into Predestination...

------
*Hours later, due to a traffic jam because of a Police Car Crash, Sem arrives at the bank- exchanging his lyra for American Dollars.*

Banker: Let's see, Mr. S. Evil, that comes to... 5000 lyra at the current exchange rate... would be... $3.95. Plus Tax.

Sem: What... I can't believe it. A stolen diamond should have gotten me much more than that... *grumble* Just when you thought you could trust human decency... Oh well. I suppose, I'll just have to find ANOTHER major establishment to rob.

Banker: Uh, Mr. S. Evil, sir. Why are your thinking out loud...

Sem: Dang, Janitor Bob the Writer's too lazy to incase my words in italics.

Banker: Right...

Sem: Let's see... I want to rob a respectable establishment because I don't want to be made fun of by the other criminals. It needs to be a wealthy, yet friendly organization, with great prices, and inspirational advertisments... That's it...
--------

*A few hours later, Sem arrives in McDonalds. He is wearing complete black, except for a blue ski-mask which covers up his ears, neck and hair, but leaves the rest of his face exposed. The line in McDonalds is unusually long, being a Sunday. Sem rushes to the front waving his gun*

Sem: Okay... McDonalds people! I want a... gajillion... skillion... dollars and I want it right now!

McDonalds Customer: Hey! Wait your turn! Get in the back of the line- no cutting!

*Grumbling, Sem makes his way to the back of the line, waiting, scanning the menu...*
------------

*A few hours later*

Poster Geb: And so that's why Attonement is covered in the book of Heebedee. But you must be wary of the parenthetical Greek in that passage...

Terrorist 1: Uh... when do we get to kill people...

Poster Geb: Actually the Book of Nestianity says that we can't kill people.

Terrorist 2: That's no fun.

Poster Geb: That's why were ignoring that passage right now.
----------

*Hours Later*

Sem: This is taking hours!

McDonalds Customer: That's why I usually go through the drive through.

*Hours Later, Sem has stolen a Dodge Viper, and makes his way through the drive in. He pulls up to the speaker window.*

Speaker: gwlga toi aahalnw http://forums.massassi.net/html/smile.gif

*Sem points the pistol at the speaker window, menacingly*

Sem: This is a hold up! Put your hands up... nice... and slow... where I can see them...

Speaker: Gnaknew Gnawgng agwn? http://forums.massassi.net/html/confused.gif

Sem: Don't smart off to, me! And get your hands up.

*The speaker continues to stay still.*

Speaker: Giangowagiwn awgnlwangiwn akngpiw! http://forums.massassi.net/html/smile.gif

Sem: Look, I'm going to take your hard earned money, and then I'm going to gag you.

Speaker: Boshaalngwa Agwagwrt alnfwiabga http://forums.massassi.net/html/biggrin.gif

Sem: Then again, that may not be necessary.

Speaker: Sagnwn?

Sem: How bout talking to me without your mouth full of fries?

Speaker: May I take your order?

Sem: Yes. I'd like 2 Million dollars. American, please.

Speaker: Would you like fries with that?

Sem: Sure.

Intercom: $14.32 at the next window.

*To insure the intercom's silence Sem fires a round of bullets at it. The plastic shatters, the electronics warped. He drives to the next window.*

*A man in a McDonalds hat hands him a large paper bag*

Mcdonald's employee: Have a nice day.

Sem: Oh. I will. I will.

*After pulling into a nearby alley, Sem lookes into his bag and inspects the contents*

Sem: Curses! They gave me 2 million fries and 1 american dollar...

------------------
May the Windex be with you
-Janitor Jack (Salk Wars)

The MAZZTer

09-03-2001, 03:30 PM

(OoC: I DID read all 24 pages of NeS, BTW. Unfortunately, I don't have time to make a REAL post, but I have a great idea for one that someone else can do: Everyone gets bored and Geb suggests they come to his house for a barbecue. Everyone agrees, and they do. However, TLTEPC (The Last True Evil Party Crasher) crashes the BBQ... =D Just an idea, maybe not the best one, but it IS an idea... http://forums.massassi.net/html/smile.gif )

------------------
There is a theory which states that if ever anyone ever discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable.

There is another which states that this has already happened.
-Douglas Adams, The Restaurant at the End of the Universe

The MAZZTer

09-04-2001, 05:55 AM

(OoC: Scratch the above idea, I've got a better one anyway. http://forums.massassi.net/html/biggrin.gif BTW, which realm are the ppl in Japan? I thought it was the writer's realm... the last two dozen posta have been a little confusing, so would someone sort out for me where the writers and heros are? Thanx. http://forums.massassi.net/html/smile.gif Also, BTW, is there a UBB Code for centering text?)

*The Mega-ZZTer walks down the street. As he has about given up on his 'just walk around' idea, he runs into a small viking.

Krig: Hello! You need lawyer?

MZZT: No... Wait! You're... http://forums.massassi.net/html/eek.gif KRIG THE VIKING??!??!? Man! Can I have your auotgraph?!??

Krig: What's an auotgraph?

MZZT: Er, I meant 'autograph', it was a mistype... nevermind.

Krig: Krig hungry. *Eyes the fries MZZT is holding.*

MZZT: Er... sure. *Hands over the fries.* Look, I think there's something going on over there, *Waves in the general direction of the McDonals he came from, and the one that Sem robbed.* and someone may need a lawyer.

Krig: OH GOODIE! KRIG HAVE $5000 IN NO TIME!!!! *Zooms off*

MZZT: http://forums.massassi.net/html/confused.gif That is one strange little man...

Meanwhile, in Krig's head...

Darkside: (Yes he's STILL there...) Krig, now, let's go over it one more time... what do you do to the other writers now?

Krig: Krig hungry. *Eats more fries*

Darkside: ARGH! Oh well, I give up. I'd have better luck with OLTE... hey, why not? *Leaves Krig's head to find OLTE.*

Krig: Finally, Darkside is gone. Now where was I? Hm... Ah yes, I was going to disapprove Einstein's Theory... Now let's see...

Elsewhere...

*The Otter is walking along a street, looking for.. *ahem*, well, let's not go into that too much. http://forums.massassi.net/html/biggrin.gif*

Otter: *Whistles*

Crowd of PPL: THERE HE IS!!!!

Otter: Huh? *He thinks he knows them, but he doesn't know from where...*

Person in crowd: *Into megaphone* Steal us some more Cowtails! We ran out!

Otter: Oh them... *Starts running*

Crowd: COME BACK HERE!!! http://forums.massassi.net/html/mad.gif

*Otter runs into a nearby hotel. The Crows persues, but because there are so many of them and they are going so fast, they take out the doors and part of the surrounding walls.*

Otter: Wait! What do you want?

Person in crowd: We want you to steal some more Cowtails from a 7-11! NOW!

Other person in crowd: Wait, are there any 7-11 in Japan?

*Murmurs rise up from the crowd...*

Yet another person in crowd: Well, if there aren't, we'll make him build one, and then he can rob it!

Crowd: YEA! GET HIM!!!

Otter: Oh, #$^% *Starts running again.*

*Otter makes it to the elevator before the crowd. He punches the button for the top floor, and smiles as the crowd reaches the elevator a second too late.*

*His smile fades when he reaches the top floor, and heres a rumble from the stairway. Looking down, he sees the crowd, now followed by the hotel manager asking them to please leave, racing up after him.*

*He decides to trick them. He steps back into the elevator and presses the button for the basement. In the basement, he can finally rest... But then he hears the crowd somewhere above him...*

Person in crowd (in megaphone): Come out Otter! You can't hide forever!

Otter:...

Person: We have some friends in a demolition firm!

Otter:...

Person: AND WE WON'T LEAVE UNTIL WE GET OUR COWTAILS!!!

*At that moment, the elevator doors opened again, and a search party stepped out.*

Member of search party: There his is!!!

Otter: Augh. #$%^. *Runs yet again.*

*Luckily for him, the stairway extends to the top floor AND the basement. He runs up it to the lobby.*

*Unfortunatly, the rest of the crowd has regrouped there, waiting for the search party.*

The Last True Evil Cowtail Lover (also in crowd): Hey! Get the Otter! He's on the stairwell!

Otter: $%^&. *Runs up the stairs to the top floor, and then finds another set of stairs up. At the top, he pushes open a door marked:*

Roof: Swimming Pool

*and continues on. The roof is flat, and it has, if you haven't guessed, a swimming pool set into it. The Otter climbs up a potted palm, but then remembers what happened the last time he climbed up a tree. He is going to climb down, but the crowd is there already, starting to climb up after him.*

Otter: Grrr...

*Trusting in the Force, he leaps off the palm toward the roof of another building. But, unfortunatly, he is not in the realm of the heroes, (and if he is and I meesed up, oh well. It makes for good reading.) he is in the realm of the writers, AKA the REAL world. And in the real world, the force does not exist.*

Otter: @#$^, @#$^, @#$^!!!!

*The highest point of his jump is located above the edge of the hotel. Gravity takes over, and pulls him down between the two buildings.*

Otter: @#$@#$%^&*$*&^%$#@#$%^&*!!!!!!

*As he falls, he spots something below. (Un?)fortunatly, it is the crowd. They don't want him to get hurt, they want him in best physical condition so he can rob the Wawa. As they catch him and carry him off, we are left with a few questions:*

Will Mr.T rescue the Otter?
Which realm is this anyway?!?!?
Will The Mega-ZZTer get his JK level done in time for the Massassi Level Contest?

Only time will tell... or the next post, maybe.

------------------
There is a theory which states that if ever anyone ever discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable.

There is another which states that this has already happened.
-Douglas Adams, The Restaurant at the End of the Universe

[EDIT: Oops, Wawa should have been 7-11]

[This message has been edited by The_Mega_ZZTer (edited September 06, 2001).]

Gebohq

09-04-2001, 06:24 AM

(NSP: Good post(s) you started off with, Mr. MZZT! So you know, the whole job-seeking deal IS in the heroes' realm (because of the confusion as you pointed out, we're trying to stick to generally one realm (soon enough, we'll just say "writer's realm" (or whatever other realm if come be that) if it doesn't tale place in the heroes' realm and take out the usage of saying "in the heroes' realm" altogether. It's cool that theOtter (man, as a main character in a post too, that's pretty neat) doesn't use the Force (he was never known as much of a Jedi anyways). Perhaps its just me, but Krig seems rather articulate for himself in this post too (though perhaps this is one of his better days, and is trying to sound professional http://forums.massassi.net/html/smile.gif). And I thought theOtter robbed a 7-11 back on page 2-3-whatever it was (though it's been a while, so I'm not sure.)

And you're making a level? Nice! Feel free to drop any of us a line (myself- gebohq@hotmail.com ) and send ideas, ask questions, etc etc. Keep up da good postin'!

------------------
~Geb

CookedHaggis

09-05-2001, 02:42 PM

*Everyone has principles. Standards that they set themselves. Even the hereos have them (despite the senseless acts of violence, theft and other assorted criminal activities). Why mention principles? What possible relation does it have to the story? Admittedly none, since our hereos have abandoned theirs in the search for money.
It's for this reason that CookedHaggis is now stacking shelves in the local Walmart...*

Customer: "Um...excuse me, but can you show me where the meat is?"

CookedHaggis: "Certainly sir. If you'll just follow me....smoked or non-smoked?"

Customer: "Oh...er...I just want to have a look.."

*The customer starts browsing the refrigerated shelves, casually picking up packages and giving them consideration. He is about to place one in his trolley, when the hovering figure behind him offers some advice...*

CookedHaggis: "Oh no sir, I wouldn't choose that."

Customer: "Huh?"

CookedHaggis: "That meat- far too grisly. I'd personally recommend the vension- rather gamey for some peoples' tastes, but it goes excellently with a full bodied red wine."

Customer: "O...k... I think I'll just be leaving now..."

*The customer makes a hasty exit. The manager, having witnessed the situation, confronts our slightly confused culinary connoisseur*

Manager: "What the hell was that? You just lost us a customer."

CookedHaggis: "But I was merely informing him of the rashness of his decision. If he had taken the liberty of following my advice, he would have found that the venision is indeed a superior choice. One would think that a man who obviously has no idea about the standards of meat would value an experienced opinion."

Manager: "You're paid to stack selves, not to ponce about and annoy customers. Now get back to work, and no more of this bloody nonsense, you're not a waiter anymore..."

Gebohq

09-06-2001, 12:15 AM

Competing for the prized five thousand dollars, Gebohq, as well as two other contestants, are standing in anticipation as the cameras begin to roll...

Jimmy Kimbel: And your host, Ben Stein!

Ben Stein: Call me crazy--

Audience: You're crazy!

Gebohq: *to guy next to him* I thought he was just a nice rich guy...

Stein: --but I'm going to put up five thousand dollars in the hopes that I know more than you. Now, my assistant, Jimmy Kimbel, will introduce our contestants.

Jimmy: Thanks Ben. Our first contestant comes from er...it says here "If I tell you, an anvil will drop on your head". Yeah...and his name is uh...Gee-bowk?

Gebohq: Just call me Geb.

Jimmy: Ok then...and it says here you "save the world" for a living?

Gebohq: Yeup, professional hero. I've saved the universe a couple times too. Superman can eat his heart out!

Jimmy: Moving on...our next contestant comes from...the same place. And your name is Losien?

Losien: Yes, sir.

Gebohq: Los?!?! Sis??? What are you doing here?

Losien: I'm sorry...it was the only place I could think of to get 5 grand.

Gebohq: Hey, it's all cool, don't worry about it.

Ben: Ohhh...sibling rivalry! And what a fine looking young woman you are too, Miss.

Jimmy: Now Ben, no hitting on her.

Ben: I was NOT hitting on her http://forums.massassi.net/html/smile.gif. Who's our third contestant?

Jimmy: He comes from...the bleachers. "Random audience member?"

random audience member: Yeah, I know that it's always the guys watching that know the answers!

Gebohq: I dunno, you're standing in the loser spot there. The guy who stands there is always out first.

Los: Or the woman...

Jimmy: Look, you all look like fine potential for losers, ok? Let's move on to our subjects, which are..."St. John's John"...

Gebohq: Why does this sound familiar?

\/\/\/ZZZZAP!\/\/\/

a differnt random audience member(ADRAM): Man, the TV went out, and just as the first round was starting too...

About fifteen minutes later...

ADRAM: The TV came back on, finally. I'm not sure what I would have done if I had to get out of my seat...
/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\
Gebohq: I told you that the other guy would loose first, Los.

Losien: But I didn't even get any points...

Gebohq: (off to the side)Uh, sis, you really should figure out that you'll always be getting uh...certain benefits, the way you look.

Losien: I know, they pity me because I look so ugly.

Gebohq: *sigh*

Jimmy: Well, it seems that you, Losien, have yet to answer a single question, yet you have rang in several times, gave the right answer, and took it back.

Losien: Uh...bad luck I suppose *looks upwards*

Jimmy: And Geb here, despite his being smarter than the average hero, only has a total of $50 dollars.

Gebohq: *thinking* That's what happens when I try to let my sister win...
---------------------------------------------
In the land of Mecca...

Poster Geb: Finally, we're here.

Poster Geb walked up to the walls of Mecca. On the wall hung signs with a red circle and slash over certain pictures. One had a ciggarette in it, one had the word 'littering", and the other was a clear picture of a terrorist attack.

Poster Geb: Lord, is there any Holy Land that doesn't ban terrorism?

Terrorist #7: Uh...sir? Why don't we just...break the rules? We ARE terrorists after all, we're breaking the law in the first place--

Poster Geb: BREAK THE RULES? Blasphamous hethan! We will follow the book of Nesianity and rightfully claim a home for ourselves!

Terrorist #4: What about that whole "ignoring the rule about killing" bit?

Poster Geb: You're not very good at not talking, are you? Besides, I jsut got an idea. We'll break their rules and storm in anyways!

Terrorist #7: *sigh*

Poster Geb: CHARRRRRRR---ge?

Terrorist #265: Looks like about 70 other groups beat us to the punch. And they're charging a fee to be put on the waiting list.

Poster Geb: Darn the free market! Do you think they'll take an American Express?

Terrorist #3: *to #4* Have you ever actually SEEN the book of Nesianity?

Terrorist #4: I just keep seeing him look inside a pamphlet that says "Local Liquor Store Specials" on it...with "NeS" scribbled on hte front.

Terrorist #3: Perhaps I should consider a career in the custodial arts...
---------------------------------------
Geb the writer claws his way off stage, swinging his guitar madly to whack the hords of young girls away from him.

Geb the writer: I never thought I'd be running away from them...

Geb the writer manages to open the door, and a black and mysterious car is outside. The door opens, and a voice that says "Quick Geb, in here!" Only too gladly, Geb the writer jumps in the car, bolting away from his pre-teenage fans.

GTW: Thanks for getting me out of there. Er...

Mysterious person: Just call me a fan of your work. And don't worry, I mean your real work as a writer, not as a singer.

GTW: Hey, my singing isn't that bad...stop laughing...

Who woke me up? It's 3:15 in the morning...fine fine... *cough* Will Geb the hero win Ben Stein's money? Will Poster Geb ever find a Holy Land to call his own? And who is this mysterious person who has helped Geb the writer? Tune in next time, when some other writer answers these questions. right here... on... the Never... ending... Story... Thread--zzzzzz...

------------------
~Geb

The MAZZTer

09-06-2001, 01:02 PM

(OoC: Geb, you're right, it WAS a 7-11... why did I think it was a Wawa? Oh well...)

*The Mega-ZZTer likes to write computer programs in his spare time. He now decides to write a piece of code that will be so amazing that anyone would pay millions for it.*

*Well, at least five grand.*

*Anyways, he finally planned out the code in his head. As he sat down to type on his laptop, he cracked his knuckles, placed his hands in the typing position...*

*And totally forgot everything.*

MZZT: Darn programmer's block. http://forums.massassi.net/html/mad.gif

*And then, very slowly, a smile spreads across his face. He begins to type.*

-=< Later >=-

*MZZT walks into the Nintendo of Japan building.*

Secretary: *Talks in Japanese*

MZZT: Do you speak english?

Other secretary: I do. Sir, do you have an appointment?

MZZT: *Walks over* Err... no.

Other secretary: Well, then state your business.

MZZT: I just HAVE to see thebig cheese right away.

Other secretary: http://forums.massassi.net/html/confused.gif Wait, is that one of those 'Americanisms'? English isn't my native language, sorry...

MZZT: Um, I want to see the boss.

Other secretary: Oh! Ok... but I have to check with him...

MZZT: Hey, this is the hero's realm, a story. Right?

Other secretary: Right.

MZZT: And since it's a story, it'll come out anyway the writer wants it too, right?

Other secretary: *sigh* I see your point. *Opens spooky-type door. Fog floats out, and it is pitch black inside.* Walk inside, last door on the right.*

*MZZT walks in.*

-=< Much later >=-

*MZZT walks out.*

MZZT: Well, THAT was easy. **Shouts through open office door.* Thank you! That really was generous of you!*

Nintendo Head Honcho: *mumbles*

MZZT: *Counts his $50000 carefully, whilst whisling and walking out of the building.* Who'd have thought that making a program that put lots of colorful pixels on a screen in an impressive manner could be worth $50000? I wonder why some people are so gulible...

Well, he got away lucky, with $50000 to his credit. But what will he do now? Will he share $5000 with each of the NeS heroes so they can get on with this thing we call a 'plot'? Or will he, being a character in a story, suddenly become a Jedi and do lots of cool stuff in a robe while weilding a lightsaber?!?

MZZT: SHUT UP!!! You're giving away my idea for my next post!!!

Heh. :P Stay tuned!

(BTW, I found a cool topic, under the Showcase forum, called the Massassian City Project. It looks like it's gonna be awesome, so take a look at it sometime.)

------------------
There is a theory which states that if ever anyone ever discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable.

There is another which states that this has already happened.
-Douglas Adams, The Restaurant at the End of the Universe

Janitor Bob

09-07-2001, 08:17 AM

*Janitor Bob shuffled nervously through a hall on the 195th floor of a large Tokyo building. The floor was pure gold. Skulls were mounted on pikes with gouts of flame slowly burning out of the gaping eyesockets. Bob pushed open a massive Oak door. He strode in to an office, decorated with stainglassed windows and odd carvings. The iron desk was flanked by two suits of armor carrying axes. A chair- with dynamite strapped to it- turned slowly around, revealing an distorted little man with no eyebrows, singed hair, missing teeth, and black fingernails. The nameplate on the desk showed his name to be Mr. Kazinski.

Mr. Kazinski *in prestigious voice*: The bathrooms are 2 stories down, past the Libyan office, can't miss it.

Bob: No, sir, I'm not looking for the Bathrooms I'm here to see you for an interview.

Mr. Kazinski: Yes... well, most people don't show up to an interview wearing stained cloth and suspenders!

Bob: Well, I had a tie also, but it was in the wash.

Mr. Kazinski: Well, normally I wouldn't even THINK about granting an interview to a person like you but, frankly, ever since McVay left for the private sector, our business has been going downhill ever since.

Bob: Great. So when do I start.

Mr. Kazinski: WOAH! Not so fast cleanin'-boy. I still have to interview you. Let's see... where was your last place of occupation.

Bob: Windex Emporium.

Mr. Kazinski: Boss?

Bob: Eeevil Custodian Dean.

Mr. Kazinski: Is that Eeevil with one or two E's?

Bob: Two.

Mr. Kazinski: Yes... And why did you leave?

Bob: We both were transported magically to another dimension, or rather a dimension between dimensions, and I had to battle him along with hoards of other demonic forces while the entire multiverse's survival hung on balance.

Mr. Kazinski: *sigh* We get that a lot. The former detective we hired several months ago had the same thing happen to him.

Bob: Yeah. I hate when that happens.

Mr. Kazinski: Why are you interested in joining the demolitions occupation?

Bob: I WANNA BLOW STUFF UP! POW!

Mr. Kazinski: Uh-huh. Have you had any previous experience in demolitions.

Bob: Well, once, we cleaning a college bathroom, and I had swiped this large chunk of sodium from the science lab. I tossed it in the toilet and ran...

Mr. Kazinski: Yes?

Bob: The explosion could be heard all the way in the Student Union Building.

Mr. Kazinski: And they didn't fire you?

Bob: I blamed it on Janitor Jack. He doesn't seem to like me very much any more. At least that's what it seems like when I visit him in Jail.

Mr. Kazinski: I see. What are your recommendations.

Bob: I have recommendations from Sem, Geb, Otter, Maybe, Masseto, CookedHaggis, Losien, Antestarr and I would have one from Krig, but he still writes in the dirt with a stick, instead of using a pencil like everybody else.

Mr. Kazinski: Can I see them.

Bob: Here. Their pretty positive too. For example, this one from Maybe says: "Please, please, please, please hire this guy. And make sure he is very busy, and doesn't have time to visit us."

Mr. Kazinski: Wonderful. Just wonderful. Okay, that's all. You can leave now.

*Bob runs down the hall, as fast as he possibly can.*

Mr. Kazinski: Don't call us... we'll call you!

*Will Bob get the job? Or will he be trapped forever in the swirling slough of deadly unemployment. Will Janitor Bob the writer keep using melodramatic sentences like the last one? Only the future may tell, on the next reviting episode of 'The Neverending Story: The Story that Bombed'*

------------------
May the Windex be with you
-Janitor Jack (Salk Wars)

The MAZZTer

09-07-2001, 01:22 PM

OoC:

FUN FACT:

http://www.google.com/ rates this page a 1 out of 10. http://forums.massassi.net/html/mad.gif

Just thought you'd like to know.

------------------
"Duh, he can't outsmart me, 'cause I'm a moron!"

-Giant (from some Looney Tunes cartoon, talking about Bugs Bunny)

The MAZZTer

09-08-2001, 06:59 AM

Benevolent
Upward
Mobility
Posting

wuz here!!! http://forums.massassi.net/html/biggrin.gif

------------------
"Duh, he can't outsmart me, 'cause I'm a moron!"

-Giant (from some Looney Tunes cartoon, talking about Bugs Bunny)

Gebohq

09-10-2001, 05:57 PM

At the "Win Ben Stein's Money" studio...

Geb: Man, and I was SO close to winning!

Jimmy: We haven't started yet, Mr. Geb!

Geb: Don't make me use my--what? Oh, ok... http://forums.massassi.net/html/smile.gif I'll be the second to go then.

Jimmy: Ok then, to your booths! And usually now that Ben is in his booth, I'd tell you to beat Ben like nobody's business, but...*sigh* but I'm wondering if that would go against my conscious... OK Ben, are you ready?

Ben: *matching Losien's humbleness* I shall do my best.

Jimmy: OK...begin!

The tick-tocking in the background can be heard.

Jimmy: What is your name?

Ben: ...Jimmy, are you being serious?

Jimmy: Yes.

Ben: Ben Stein.

DING!

Jimmy: What is your quest?

Ben: Quest? Er...to keep my five thousand dollars.

DING!

Jimmy: What is your favorite color?

Ben: Blue.

DING!

Jimmy: What is the name of this show?

Ben: Win Ben Stein's Money.

DING!

Jimmy: Who stars in the "Clear eyes" commercial?

Ben: I, Ben Stein, does.

DING!

Ben: Jimmy, honestly, these questions are demeaning at the least--

Jimmy: Which actor in Tremors has the same haircut as the other conestant, Geb?

Ben: Someone else actually HAS that haircut? Er...pass.

Jimmy: Why?

Ben: Why not?

DING!

Jimmy: Who predicted the comet that was to destroy the human race?

Ben: Nostradomus.

DING!

Jimmy: Explain the meaning of the universe.

Ben: I can't do that!

DING!

Jimmy: And how many questions have you answered so far, not including the one you are answering now?

Ben: Nine.

Jimmy: A whopping nine, Ben! And the answer to the one you missed was "Kevin Bacon". We would have also accepted "superfans of Tremors". Let's see how our contestant does...

Ben: I can't believe I actually got one of those wrong.

Jimmy: Are you ready Mr...uh...

Losien: Ye--*cough* er...*in a deeper voice* yeah?

Jimmy: You're not allowed to tag-team, Ms. Losien. You'll have to leave and let Mr. Geb play alone.

Geb: Damn...

Gebohq switches back into his booth, crossing his arms and pouting.

Jimmy: Are you ready, Mr. Geb?

Geb: As ready as I'll ever be.

Jimmy: Ready....begin! What is your name?

Geb: ...

Jimmy: Mr. Geb?

Geb: Shiny object...wha? Oh, my name is Gebohq. Why do you ask?

DING!

Jimmy: *sigh* What is your quest?

Geb: To be just like Captain Kirk!

DING!
Geb: Saving the universe, getting the beautiful women--

Jimmy: That'll be good enough. What is your favorite color?

Geb: Ba-lue!

DING!

Jimmy: Yeah...what is the name of this show?

Geb: Aw crap, knew I shoulda paid attention...OH! Win Ben Stein's money!

DING!

Jimmy: Who stars in the "Clear Eyes" commercials?

Geb: Ares' cl--I mean, Ben Stein.

DING!

Jimmy: Which actor in the movie Tremors has the same haircut as you do?

Geb: Kevin Bacon!

DING!

Geb: He's almost as good as Shatner!

Jimmy: *rolls his eyes* Why?

Geb: Why not?--

DING!

Jimmy: Who predicted the comet that was to destroy the human race?

Geb: And my haircut is WAY better than Luke's in Star Wars--er, oh, you want an answer. Nostradomus, duh.

DING!

Jimmy: Explain the meaning of the universe.

Geb: 42!

DING!

Jimmy: And how many questions have you answered so far, not including the one you are answering now?

Geb: Argh, I was never good at math...uhh...er...

Ten seconds on the clock. Nine, eight...

Geb: 8 divided by the cotangent of the torque...

Six, five, four...

Geb: It isn't any easier for you to be yelling those numbers like that!

I know http://forums.massassi.net/html/smile.gif. Three, two....one...three-fourths...two-thirds...

Geb: NINE! It's nine!

The audience hangs on the edge of their seats, waiting for the "Ding!".

Geb: Maybe I should have left the six before the nine...

A technical crew guy, slicking in the shadows, darts out briefly, wispering in Jimmy's ear. The techie, now ashamed of showing himself, slicks back, head nearly to the ground.

Jimmy: It seems that the "Ding!" noise has broken, but amazingly enough...Mr Geb wins with a 10.

Ben: Whoever made those questions will die...

Geb: WOOHOO! IwonIwonIwonIwon....

Ben: Yes, take your 5,000. Now get out of my sight, and perhaps one day...

Twenty minutes later...

Losien: Um, Geb, I thought we were suppose to get that money for the others...

Geb: Well, I couldn't help them if I didn't put a downpayment on this new Corvette, could I?

Los: I dunno...

Geb: Glad you agree with me. Let's take a spin. WHEEE!!!

Los: We went to a hundred MPH rather quickly there...GEB LOOK OUT!

Geb: Wha--

The corvette hit a B.U.M.P. and went flying. Geb and Losien managed to jump out in time, right before the car landed front-first into the trunk of the tree. Geb gritted his teeth, turning away from the wreckage as if he didn't know how it got there. Geb and Losien saw a Toys R US in front of them, with a giant "Now Hiring".

Los: Oh boy, working at Toys R US, where we can be a kid forever! Let's apply there!

Geb: Why do I have a bad feeling about this?
---------------------------------------------
In Mecca...

Poster Geb: What do you mean "It doesn't work?"

Meccan guy: Sorry, but we do not accept American Express.

Poster Geb: But-but-where are we going to claim as our Holy Land then?

Terrorist #87: How about Canada? Or Ohio? Or Maryland?

Poster Geb: Dear no, not THOSE places. That's where all the wierd people live. We'd be better off trying to claim New York City...hey...

Terrorist#5: Uh-oh...I don't liek where he's thinking...
--------------------------------------------
Meanwhile, in an unknown place, in an unknown car, with an unknown person (sound familiar to you guys?), Geb the writer sat, waiting...

GTW: ...jsut tell me who you are!

Mysterious person: No.

GTW: Please?

Mysterious person: No.

GTW: Pretty please?

Mysterious person: Shouldn't you know?

GTW: If I knew you, and you weren't another writer, you'd be a scantily-clad beautiful women, and I wouldn't CARE who you were.

Mysterious person: *sigh*...

Oh-oh! What will happen to Geb and Losien at Toys R US? Will they be able to make five thousand plus whatever the car costed? Will Poster Geb try to claim NYC as his holy capital? Will Geb the writer ever find out where he's going, and who saved him? Maybe you'll find out in a future post of THE NEVERENDING STORY THREAD! Just maybe...

------------------
~Geb

[This message has been edited by Gebohq (edited September 10, 2001).]