The Never-ending Story Thread

[Janitor Bob]

*Janitor Bob claps, but out of rythym*

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*The fairy cracks open her/his eyes as Doctors bustle about bringing in IVs, anesthetics, chainsaws, and little cotton disenfectant swabs.*

*The lead surgeon, Dr. Geb hovers over the fairy with both compassion and nervousness in his eyes. The rest of his face is covered in a green surgeons mask, and his hands with plastic gloves.*

Dr. Geb: Nurse! Did you get it's name?

Attractive, but yet intelligent assistant: It's name is... er... The Never Ending Story Thread?

Dr. Geb: Cripes! No! I knew him! I knew him well. I can't let him die. Quick! More morphine!

Fairy: Uh... I feel horrible...

Dr. Geb: You're alive... speaking!

Fairy: What happened... I feel like I've just ran a cross-country race.

Dr. Geb: You've inhaled the airborne version of the deadly Toxin Word Assossiation, with sideaffects of Laziness and Apathy!

Fairy: Crud. Oh, well. I don't care. I've lived long enough. It's time for me to go the way of the Spooky Taco and die.

Dr. Geb: No! You can't! You've got so much too live for!

Fairy: Like what.

Dr. Geb: Like... like... uh... Nurse. Can you help me out here.

*Quietly, almost imperciptebly a sound is heard. A faint sound, but it gets louder. Finally, it is audible. A shaking sound... a steady beat... the sounds of hands clapping together.*


*The clapping builds and builds, as writers and characters unite together to save the NeverEnding Story thread.*

*Galvatron, Ares, Ms. Fire, RobX, Arbiter, Enchilada man, all scream and hoot and holler.*

*The Y2k Beast, Morris, and even Darkside start halfheartedly clapping, because without the Never Ending Story thread, they'd be out of a Job.*

*Dart Wader, Ben Stine, Gonk and others join the succession.*

*Bob Hope, Bing Crosby, and Harvey lead a Candlelight Vigil around the Hospital.*

*Random Audience Member, and Ugo Employee #5, wave banners and start singing: "ALL WE ARE SAYING, IS GIVE THE NEVERENDING STORY A CHANCE"*

*More characters flood the area, General Gordita, the Aspuragus Troopers, Phil the Ugo Driver. They cheer: "WE WANT NES. WE WANT NES!*

*17 Soviet Helicopters encircle the building with loudspeakers, as Last True Evils give their words of Encouragement.*

Ares Clone's #4-72: Yeah. Go NES. Yip-de-doo.

*A tear comes to Dr. Geb's eye and he turns to the fairy.*

Dr. Geb: See. All those people want you back. All those people believe in you. They know that you have fought long and hard, but must live to fight longer and harder. You are their existence... their identity.

*The Star Spangled Banner plays in the background.*

Dr. Geb: So, what I'm saying, what I'm telling you, is that you just aren't a story! You just aren't a thread! You just aren't a collection of 1's and 0's to form HTML encoded text on a page! You are an Assemblege of thoughts and ideas! YOU ARE THE FUTURE!

*The Clapping builds to a cresendo.*

Dr. Geb: This is time. This is the day. Now, you need to stand up against adversity and apathy! You need to get off that hospital table and prove yourself to all those needy people out there, that you are... the... NEVER... ENDING... STORY! YOU GOTTA BELIEVE IN YOURSELF, NES! YOU GOTTA BELIEVE!

*The Fairies eyes flutter wide open.*

Fairy: You're right. You're absolutely right! I'm going to GO OUT THERE and survive. Not for me. Not for myself. But for those people out there. For the others. For the World.

*The Fairy jumps out of the bed, rips out his IVs and flexes it's muscles.*

*The Fairy turns in the General Direction of the Super Star Destroyer.*

Fairy: Okay! I'm back. And this time I'm not going to go down so easily. None of this "I don't believe in the Neverending Story" junk. I'm still going to need your clapping. I'm still going to need support. But I'm telling you... Mr. Word Association...

*The Fairy rolls up it sleeves. Dr. Geb tosses it some sunglasses.*

Fairy: It's Showdown time.


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May the Windex be with you
-Janitor Jack (Salk Wars)

[This message has been edited by Janitor Bob (edited October 20, 2001).]

[The MAZZTer]

*With a wave of his/her/its hands, the fairy sets the time line right. The SSD Windows explodes like it should have, and it happened to drop a shard of debris onto Osama Bin Laden. (Unfortunately, he survived.) Anyways, MZZT, PM, and Geb are looking up at it*

MZZT: Didn't we do this before?

I made this post to simplify things, and to make everyone less confused (hopefully)... of course this doesn't mean our new fairy friend won't help us in other ways at key points... http://forums.massassi.net/html/wink.gif I would have made a better post but I'm at a friend's house at a birthday party so I had to keep it short.

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I pity the foo who pity the foo!

[Krig the Viking]

*The Otter and MaybeChild stroll through the darkened night-time streets, black ski masks in hand. Maybe looks annoyed.*

Otter: "I'm telling you, that Play Centre was a laboratory earlier today! They must have very quickly changed it!"

Maybe: "Right, Otter. Next you'll have me believe that Microsoft assassinated JFK."

Otter: "What?? Are you purposely trying not to see the truth?! Everybody knows Microsoft assassinated JFK!"

Maybe: "It's all right, Otter, I'm not falling for anymore of your practical jokes. You can stop now."

*Maybe and Otter walk past a darkened alley. There is a rustling noise in the alley, and Otter suddenly stops and rushes back to the alley's entrance.*

Otter: "Did you see that?"

Maybe: "See what? A bloodthirsty leprechaun-man? Stop kidding around, Otter."

Otter: "No, the Hamster-Man! He was in this alley as we walked by! He was looking at me!"

*Maybe sighs annoyedly and walks away. TheOtter hesitates, looks back at the alley, and then follows.*

Otter: "I think he's after me, Maybe. I don't know why, but he is."

Maybe: "Grow up, Otter!"

*Deep in the shadows of the alleyway, two vile glowing red eyes open, dripping evil. A low, rumbling growl is heard, followed by a high-pitched, hamsterish squeaking noise. Cue dark music.*

----------------------------------------------------

*Meanwhile, in the local courtroom, Krig is preparing for his first criminal case. Which is to say, he's gnawing on his war-axe's handle. Beside him, nervously shifting around in his chair and sweating, is Krig's client, the Clown. He is still wearing full clown gear. The Judge, an old guy in a white wig, is picking his teeth with his gravel.*

Krig: "When Krig get to smash things?"

*Clown looks at Krig out of the corner of his eyes, gulps, and moves his chair further away from the short, hairy Viking. At that moment, the Prosecution enters the building. It is apparent from the way he looks that he is evil. He has an angular, almost pointy face, with black greased-back hair. Two small pieces of hair inexplicably stand up on either side of his head, like horns. Overall, he looks like Satan himself pretending to be a lawyer. Or a lawyer pretending to be Satan. Not that that would take a lot of pretending, either way. The Prosecution walks over to Krig and leans over to introduce himself.*

Prosecution: "Hi, Krig, I understand you're the defence lawyer for this case? I just thought I'd like to introduce myself, so we get off on the right foot. I'm John T. Updike, and I'll be the attorney for the prosecution in this case."

Krig: "Raaargh... Krig not see happy birdie. That make Krig sad."

*Mr. Updike looks startled, then his eyes narrow and he leans closer to Krig.*

Mr. Updike: "Listen here, you little runt, I've never lost a case in my entire career - well, except for that whole Barney the Dinosaur vs. The State of Florida thing, but that doesn't count - and I'm not going to let you ruin my perfect record, you understand? I don't care if this guy's guilty or not, he's going down, and you're going down with him, you understand? Or is that too complex for that little brain of yours?"

*Krig looks puzzled for a moment, blinks his eyes, then punches Mr. Updike in the face. Mr. Updike is knocked out cold. Small cartoon birds fly around his head.*

Krig: "Heehee, evil-lawyer-man have happy birdies! Krig happy now!"

Clown: "Well, I guess I better start planning how to escape from jail now, 'cause they're never gonna let me go after this..."

*Meanwhi--er--Later, the Prosecution has called its first witness. It is a skinny man dressed in a striped shirt and white face-paint.*

Mr. Updike: "So, Mr. -- Mime #6, is it? Where were you on the night of the murder?"

*Mime #6 makes a rapid series of gestures, several of which appear to signify that he is trapped in an invisible box.*

Mr. Updike: "Could you speak up? I can't understand a single word you're saying!"

*Mime #6 makes another series of gestures. He appears to either be playing invisible tennis, or killing someone with an invisible axe.*

Mr. Updike: "Your honour, could we get a translator in here? I don't speak Mimish"

*Suddenly, the courtroom door bursts open. The Otter lunges into the room, and points at one of the jury members.*

Otter: "AHA! The Hamster-Man! You can't hide now, I've got you!"

*The entire courtroom goes silent, looking at theOtter. In the distance, a cricket chirps, and a tumbleweed blows across some street. MaybeChild rushes into the room.*

Maybe: "Ok, Otter, lets go. There's no Hamster-Man here."

Otter (being dragged outside by Maybe): "I could have swore that I saw him come in here! Ow! Leggo my ear!"

*The doors flap shut. Dead silence reigns.*

Mr. Updike: "That was... Um... Unexpected. Ah, I see the Mimish translator has arrived!"

*Standing next to the witness box is a man dressed in a night black robe and hood. The only part of his face visible is his glowing red eyes. When he speaks, his voice is a whispered hiss.*

Translator: "Iiii am the Mimishhhh Transsslator. What do you wishhhh of meeee?"

Judge: "Er, you're unexpectedly - ah - evil, for a Mimish Translator..."

Translator: "Yessss, I wassss once a Mimmmme myssself, and it hassss corrupted meeee."

Judge: "I see. I should have known. Only a former Mime could understand the evil gestures of this dark cult of pantomime. Proceed, Mr. Updike."

What will happen as this intense legal drama unfolds? Will the infamous rivalry between clowns and mimes prove to be the death of one of the major players? Or will everything wind up in a mildly amusing and confusing dramatic finale? Did I mean to rhyme in my last sentence? Find out the answers to these and/or other intriguing questions next time on... whatever this story is called again.

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Read the Bible, it'll scare the hell out of you.

[The Last True Evil]

So where has TLTE been all this time?

Where do dead people go? Where does the eternal soul wander after its corporal host is extinguished? There are many arguments to this. Maybe one of them is right. Maybe none of them are. Whatever the case, TLTE...is dead.

However, that does not mean he is gone...

*Darkness.*

TLTE: Helloooooo??

*If the darkness hears him, it chooses not to reply.*

TLTE: Not the Kremlin Christmas party all over again...

*Suddenly, a light flicks on in the distance. TLTE runs blindly toward it in the darkness. As he nears it, he ascertains that the light is emanating from some kind of being.*

TLTE: ...Santa?

Voice: No.

*The reverberations of the being's baritone pitch almost knock TLTE off his feet.*

Voice: I...am Zdrovsky, Lost Russian Saint of Dead NeS Characters. I am here...to offer you a deal.

TLTE: A deal?

Zdrovsky: Yes, a deal.

TLTE: Ah, a deal.

Zdrovsky: Correct. A deal.

*There is an awkward pause. TLTE goes to fiddle with the change in his pocket, before realising that he no longer inhabits a body.*

TLTE: What's...happening to me?

Zdrovsky: You were murdered.

TLTE: I was murdered? Why'd no one tell me? Bloody NeS fair-weather friends...

Zdrovsky: Your memories...are left behind, in your brain. Listen now...I have important information for you.

I have been authorised to grant you a very special bargain. If you so desire, we can send your essence back to Earth, where you can possess any body you choose and use it as a vehicle, of sorts. You can then find your corpse, inhabit it, and find your murderer.

TLTE: And then?

Zdrovsky: What you do then...is up to you.

TLTE: Hold on...what's in it for you, Shiny?

*Zdrovsky smiles.*

Zdrovsky: I work on comission, TLTE: Do you know how long it's been since those egotistical writers let their characters die?

TLTE: Good point.

Zdrovsky: So...are you in?

TLTE: Yes...I need to find my murderer.

Zdrovsky: Good. And remember; you will inhabit your host's body, and have complete control, but you will also occupy their brain, feel what they feel, see what they see...so be careful.

TLTE: Blah, blah, blah. Beam me down, Z-man.

*Zdrovsky mutters something, then waves his hands in concentric circles. Instantly, TLTE's essence is floating on a sidewalk in Las Vegas.*

Essence: Ahh, Earth...

*To his right, a boisterous rich man in a Texan outfit swaggers down the street with women draped around his arms.*

Essence: How fitting.

*TLTE's essence glides easily into the Texan, instantly occupying his thoughts and feelings. He is suddenly aware of how great he is, how stupid everyone else is, and how incredibly rich I am.*

Texan LTE: Findin' my body kin wait. First, it's time to partay!

*The girls titter and giggle, as TLTE adopts a Texan swagger...*

[The MAZZTer]

*Darkside is walking alone down a street. (probably because he scared the daylights out of everyone else who had been) He is in a Russian town... the capital of Moscow.*

Random Audience Farmer: Ma's Cow? My ma's cow ain't in Russia! My ma's cow's in Alabammy!

Other Random Audience Member: SHADDUP!!!

*Uh, ok... anyways, Darkside walk up to the palace and bangs on the big wooden doors.*

Darkside: Let me in!!! I have to possess someone!

Very Scared Guard: .......help meeeeeeeeeee

*Darkside abruptly turns away then flies away from the palace for about 100 yards. He then fires Force Destructions, Lightnings, and stuff at the doors. After about 5 minutes of this, the doors, guard tower, and most of the front wall are rubble.*

Darkside: Muahaahaha! (I love being a villan, a villan's laugh is so great!) Now I can posess OLTE, and take over the world in his place!

*As Darkside runs into the palace, ... um, I can't think of anything... oh, I know!*

To be continued...

*Heh... allways works like a charm... http://forums.massassi.net/html/biggrin.gif*

[The Last True Evil]

*Inside OLTE's palace.*

TLTETSL (The Simple Lackey): Highness...we have a problem.

OLTE: Insistent pizza delivery boys?

TLTETSL: Worse

OLTE: Heavily-armed insistent pizza delivery boys?

TLTETSL: No, sir...I'm afraid the NeS villain known as 'Darkness' is steadily battling his way through to our inner sanctum. Intelligence indicates he wishes to possess you, and take over the world in your place.

OLTE: That unoriginal so-and-so! He's stealing my shtick! Get me the biggest gun you can find, discard it and get me an even bigger one...I'm going to war.

TLTETSL: Yes sir.

*Cape billowing behind him, OLTE begins preparations for the inevitable conflict...*

[The MAZZTer]

*MZZT gets a microphone.*

MZZT: WAIT A MINUTE!!!

*Everyone stops and listens*

MZZT: Did you know that NeS has surpassed 1000 posts?!??!

Geb: *Looks at post count* Hey that's right... Who got the locky 1000th post?

*Heads turn and look at...*

MZZT: Hey, don't look at me!

*The heads don't stop looking.*

MZZT: It was nothing, really!

Geb: You brought NeS into the 4 didgets... that is nothing?!?!?

MZZT: Don't mention it.

Everyone: Ok. *Everyone ignores MZZT and forgets he posted the 1000th post.*

MZZT: Hey!!! That's not what I meant... I didn't say what I meant... augh.

...

MZZT: Well, I was planning to throw a party...

Ares: *Still fighting with Galv, now he stops* ... Free food?

MZZT: Yes.

*Everyone rushes to MZZT's house and crams in. The only problem is that his house was hit by a meteorite recently (don't ask, see my city blocks for the Massassi City Project when I release them.) and so there is no house, just a pit. Anyways, everyone throws a party in the pit, and MZZT cooks burgers and hot dogs on his grill.*

*Ares and Galv are restless, tho, and soon continue their fight in MZZT's Arena nearby. (The other one of my city blocks...)*

MZZT: So, Darksdie, hows the patry?

Darkside: Couldn't be better! I haven't had this much fun since page one! *Walks away toward OLTE* So, OLTE, would you rather be fighting me at your palace? I wouldn't... this is THE party of the year! Better than new years, even!

OLTE: Yes, this is definately better, especially since I hear there's a gun shop in the neighborhood where I can buy a REALLY BIG GUN(TM). Excuse me, I'll be right back. *Heads for gun shop*

Darkside: Don't start anything until we're back at your place!

OLTE: *Shouts back* Don't worry! This is a great party! I'm not gonna ruin it!

*The party ends at 7 AM the next day. Everyone sleepily goes back to their respective jobs. OLTE goes back to his palace, with a new gun to boot. (What does that mean anyways? Oh well...) Darkside hires the Demon Zombie Ghost Pirate LeChuck to help him and they both start making OLTE's palace crumble.*

This totally pointless post has been brought to you by B.U.M.P.!!! In assosiation with The Mega-ZZTer.

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A 73 year old lady was stopped from boarding a plane in Chicago, because she was carrying two 6-inch knitting needles. They thought she might try to knit an Afghan! - Pastor Harry Thomas

[Janitor Bob]

*In a shady alley, of a shady Japanese city, a shady deal is being made*

*LTevil stands on a soapbox, and opens his trenchcoat. Inside the coat are several broken watches, a crockpot, and a glowing chunk of concrete. Curious Japanese crowd around with cameras to see the funny looking Russian man.*

*LTevil, thinking he has an active listening audience begins his spiel*

LTevil: Good morning, I’m L.T. Evil, from the Dart Wader Informercial Company. And what a great looking crowd today, every one of you. If you witches and crackpots are looking for watches and crockpots, you have come to the right place. And these are not your mother’s crockpots, we’ve got selections dating back to the Etruscan era to the modern Sears Crockpot-o-matic 7500. If you walk away from here today with empty hands, and a full checkbook, I haven’t done my job. Let’s start with…

*6 hours later*

*LTevil’s crowd has dwindled to a few drunks, a dead guy, and a curiously large and hairy man concealed in a black robe*

LTevil: Yes-sir-ee, that is a REAL Swiss watch, made by real Swiss, in Switzerland, out of Swiss cheese. Next on our lineup we have some of the original wreckage from [/I]the Chernobyl Nuclear Facility. This is a rarity that will keep the kids occupied for hours! Do I hear 20 yen for it? 20 yen? 20? This is a steal, folks!

*The mysterious man’s red eyes glint. He raises his hand and half-speaks, half growls, and half squeaks*

Mysterious Man: 3000 yen…

LTevil: I’ve got 3000 yen, from the hairy man with the ugly eyes. 3000 yen. Can I hear 4000, 4000, huh… let’s hear it folks… 4000 yen… for this be-a-utiful gen-u-ine glowing piece of wreckage…

*The same Mysterious man raises his hand*

Mysterious Man: 7500 yen.

LTevil: Uh… we’ve got 7500, can we go higher… let’s see how much money we give to this poor Russian salesman… do I hear 8000?

Mysterious Man: 120,000.

LTevil: 120,000?

Mysterious Man: 500,000.

LTevil: Uh…

Mysterious Man: 9,000,000 yen…

LTEvil: Nine…

Mysterious Man: 16,000,000 yen!

LTevil: Look! I’ll sell it to you, okay. Just don’t bid any higher. I could get mugged carrying that much around. You hand over the money, I’ll hand over the wreckage.

Mysterious Man: Excellent…

*The mysterious man, opens up his dark mouth, and spits up 3 wallets, a gold ring, and a severed leg*

LTevil: Sorry bub, but I deal only in cash. None of this ‘severed leg’ buisness. Too easy to trace.

*The mysterious man lets out a sinister hiss, and then grabs the wreckage, rushing away.*

*Seconds later, Otter runs up, panicked.*

LTevil *Takes a look at the suspicious looking man in a ski mask running up to him*: Great. I’ve had my money for 3 seconds, and I’m already getting mugged.

Otter: The Last True Evil! Good to see you! Have you seen any… er… hamster looking men in this vicinity.

*LTevil ignores Otter and starts going through the partially digested wallets.*

LTevil: Jerk! He paid me in Lira instead of yen!

*Otter shakes LTevil angrily*

Otter: This is important! Have you seen Hamster Man

LTevil: No, sorry, can’t help you there, but I do have some EPA approved Hamster Man Detector Devices…
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*Janitor Bob is once again at the feet of the massive stone desk of Mr. Kazinski. Gargoyles are ornately carved into the side of the desk. The gargoyles stick their tongues out at Bob. Bob sticks his tongue back. Across the massive desk littered with models of melted human beings, sits Mr. Kazinski in a gargantuan obsidian chair, topped with tiki torches. This contrasts with Bob’s chair, which is a blue plastic one that was borrowed from the ‘Splosions R Us preschool. Bob bites his fingernails as he waits for Mr. Kazinski to speak.*

*Mr. Kazinski clears his throats and starts speaking with a booming disdainful voice.*

Mr. Kazinski: Demolitions Cadet Bob. I think you know why you’re here.

Janitor Bob: Uh… you want financial advice from me?

Mr. Kazinski: Not… quite… It’s something of a more… negative nature.

Janitor Bob: I swear! The coffee machine prank was an accident!

Mr. Kazinski: Coffee Machine prank?

Janitor Bob: Uh… nothing.

Mr. Kazinski: Anyway, remember that assignment I gave to you a few weeks ago.

Janitor Bob: Uh…

Mr. Kazinski: The deadline was yesterday! But yet there the Massassi Forums building stands, undamaged, accursed American Flag blown carelessly in the wind!

Janitor Bob: Oh… blowing up the Massassi building! Must have slipped my mind.
Mr. Kazinski: Well, I’m going to give you one more chance. I’m going to give you 30 minutes to blow that bloody green building to heck. And if you don’t do it…

Janitor Bob: You’ll fire me? Oh, that’s too bad. I’m crushed. See how I’m writhing on the ground awash with uncontrollable self pity.

Mr. Kazinski: No… I’m afraid the consequences will be much more… permanent… for you, young Janitor.

Janitor Bob: You’ll fire me, AND write up a bad report for my future employer?

Mr. Kazinski: So nieve. So helpless. I almost hate to kill you.

Janitor Bob: Yeah, I feel your pain… wait… what did you say?

Mr. Kaziniski: You know, kill you. Blast you to smithereens. Cause you to kick the bucket. Kaput. Sleep with the fishes.

Janitor Bob: Did you know that a G’nillafish is some kind of pony/box turtle hybrid that can breath underwater?

Mr. Kazinski: What are you talking about?

Janitor Bob: A G’nillafish.

Mr. Kazinski: What the heck is a G’nillafish?

Janitor Bob: Didn’t I just tell you. It also has a purple…

Mr. Kazinski: Wait! I see your plan. You can’t distract me. We were talking about your death.

Janitor Bob: You can’t kill me. I’m a main character of NES.

*Janitor Bob takes out a small laminated card out of his wallet. It says: This card hereby certifies thatJanitor Bobis a member of the Never Ending Story and is entitled to all benefits thereof*

Janitor Bob: See, I’m afraid you can’t kill me. It would break all sorts of rules.

*A deep rumbling laugh erupts from Mr. Kazinski’s belly, and fills the room.*

Mr. Kazinski: Tell that to the Last True Evil, Bob. Tell that to The Last True Evil.

Janitor Bob: Huh? Did I just miss an important plot development?

Mr. Kazinski: Let’s just say that the rules have been altered. I can kill you any time I wish.

Janitor Bob: So. If you kill me, I won’t ever have to worry about the Social Security problem again. I won’t have to pay medical insurance, fill out heinously large census forms… basically, I’ll become more powerful than you can possible imagine.

Mr. Kazinski: Mr. Bob. I am more powerful than you can possibly imagine.

Janitor Bob: I still won’t blow up that building. It has… sentimental value to me.

Mr. Kazinski: Okay. If you won’t blow up that building… then maybe… your sister will.

*The ominous music builds to a crescendo*

Janitor Bob: Uh… I don’t have a sister.

*The ominous music suddenly stops.*

Mr. Kazinski: Okay, then maybe… Geb’s sister will.

Janitor Bob: You mean Losien?

Mr. Kazinski: Of course.

Janitor Bob: You’re a jerk, you know.

Mr. Kazinski: Go on…

Janitor Bob: You really need to work on your people skills.

Mr. Kazinski: Go on…

Janitor Bob: I think you have a control problem too.

Mr. Kazinksi: Go on…

Janitor Bob: Can I go now? I’ve really got to get home by 6:00, or my Mom ‘ll be mad.

*Suddenly steel bars drop over the doors with a resounding thud.*

Janitor Bob: I’ll take that as a no…

Mr. Kazinski: You’re not going anywhere, Janitor. You’re to stay here and be brutally tortured.

Janitor Bob: *scared* Does this happen to involve Duct tape and toothpaste?

Mr. Kazinski: Heh, heh heh heh.

Janitor Bob: *gulp*
----------------------

*In the modeling studio of Toys ‘R Us, the makeup artist works on Losien.*

Makeup Artist: Okay… we’ve got good hair… good skin…! We just can’t make you any better, girlfriend.

Losien: Oh… So you’re out of a Job? I’m so sorry, I really didn’t mean too. Oh, this is all my fault…

Makeup Artist: I’m sorry, ‘hon, but I’m not out of Job… we can’t make you look better but…

Losien: Then… what will you do…?

Makeup Artist: Look, you aren’t selling many products, because your making all of our other models look ugly. So we’re going to have to make you look worse… Martha! Hand me those Prosthetic Zits!

*Suddenly the makeup session is interrupted by a light rapping at the door*

Door: *Boom boom chick, bu doom bu doom chick*

Makeup Artist: *with eyeliner brush clamped between her teeth* Martha, can you get that!

*As Romantic music builds, the door swings open and reveals… (Get ready for a big surprise) a previously cameod NES character!*

Character: Losien!

*Losien swings around in her barbers chair, knocking over the makeup table. The lights dim and two spotlights shine upon the characters. Losien’s eyes brighten as she sees who came for her.*

Losien: Joe the Sound Guy!

*The characters rush towards eachother, leaping over makeup booths. The glare of the spotlight hits Losien in the face, reflecting off…*

Joe: Uh… Losien .You… uh… have something on your face.

Losien: *laughing* Oh, that’s just my prosthetic zit!

*With a grotesque ripping sound Losien peels off the zit, placing it in her pocket.*

Joe: Uh… huh… look sorry, I haven’t written or called n a while, I’ve been a little busy.

Losien *suspiciously: With what. You’re a sound guy.

Joe: Actually… I’m not anymore. I’ve got a new job. A job with a much bigger paycheck.

Losien: Really? What are you doing now?

Joe: I work for the packaging department for a computer company!

Losien: How exciting!

Joe: Look, I can’t stay here long… Just take this present from me.

*Joe hands Losien a package wrapped with Hanukkah paper.*

Losien: Ooh! How sweet. It says ‘You’re a blast’

Joe: Look, don’t open the package until you get to the Massassi Forums building, okay?

Losien: Sure… sure… Hmm…

*Losien tries to figure out what the package contains. She eyes it from different angles, measures it, and starts shaking it.*

Joe: Woah! Don’t shake that!

Losien: Oh… it’s fragile… *Losien puts her ear too it* It’s making a ticking sound! Hmm… it must be one of those little Curious George wall clocks I like so much… but it’s shaped like a briefcase…

Joe: Yeah, well, I have to go. Remember, don’t open the present until you are in the Massassi Forums building!

Losien: Bye… here, take this to remember me by.

*Losien presses the prosthetic zit into Joe’s hand.*

Joe: Uh… thanks…

*Joe leaves. The romantic music slowly fades. The lights turn back on. Close-up on the ticking package.*

*Whoa! Plot hole alert! How is LTevil selling things when he’s dead and/or inhabiting another body. Is is part of a carefully planned plot device, or is it just a stupid mistake on the behalf of Janitor Bob? What does the mysterious large hairy squeaky man with red eyes want with the Chernobyl wreckage. How will Bob escape from the singed grip of Mr. Kazinski? Will Losien blow up the Massassi Forums buildings? How can the writers keep from writing now that Janitor Bob has created so many divergent plotlines? Find out next time on The NeverEnding Story: When Good Sound Guy’s go Bad.


------------------
May the Windex be with you
-Janitor Jack (Salk Wars)

[This message has been edited by Janitor Bob (edited October 27, 2001).]

[This message has been edited by Janitor Bob (edited October 27, 2001).]

[JorBo]

*In a box covered with dflt.mat*

JorBo: Hmmmmmm... my level is looking good, It will be in MLP #2576 for sure.

*JorBo sees a button on the JED toolbar that says "If you want your level in MLP #2576 push this button"*

JorBo: Cool.

*JorBo pushes the button. A VERY old gumball falls from nowhere and hit JorBo on the head*

JorBo: OUCH, that hur...

*JorBo passes out and wakes up lying in a dark alley*

JorBo: Where the heck am I?

BoomingVoice: You are now in The NES thread!

JorBo: How did I get here?

BoomingVoice: A gumball fell on your head.

JorBo: *rubbing his head* I know that. Why did I wake up here instead of somewhere else?

BoomingVoice: Because you are on a quest for the perfect level.

JorBo: I am?

BoomingVoice: Yes you are and everyone knows that the perfect level is hidden somewhere in this thread.

JorBo: Really?

BoomingVoice: Yes. Now would you come up with some lines that don't have you asking questions?

JorBo: I'll stop asking questions when you stop booming, It's to hard to type out your whole name.

Voice: Fine with me.

*JorBo stands up and walks off down the alley*

The quest for the perfect level has begun.

*Will JorBo find the perfect level in The NES?
Will he ever post in this thread again?
Only time will tell

[Randy]

<Not quite sure what the |-|311 is going on, Randy gets the unresistable urge to clap his hands...>

Randy: *clap clap clap clap clap clap clap clap clap clap clap clap clap clap clap clap clap clap clap clap clap clap clap clap clap clap clap* <pant pant> *clap clap clap clap clap clap clap*

(Geb's Note: Just eliminating needless side-scrolling.)

[This message has been edited by Gebohq (edited June 23, 2003).]

[Pugler]

Then Trini woke up. He said, "HEY IM NOT REALLY Jorbo! IM TRINI! IT WAS ALL JUST A DREAM! I BETTER CONTINUE MY JOURNEY TO FIND
THE LIVING BREATHING TREE. HE WILL HELP ME SEEK THE STONE OF GLOWING CHEESE!"
As he hopped out of his garbage can house, he jumped into his taco mobile and sputtered
down over the lush mountain of cheeseburgers!
"AHH HOW I LOVE FOODLAND! IT IS THE BEST PART OF WACKKY WORLD I KNOW! NOW I
MUST COMB MY AFRO WITH THIS FRO PICK OF GOLD AND FIND KUNG FU JOE!"
As he sputtered along on his taco tastic automobile he left a trail of guacamole. He heard a
voice.
"HEY ID LOVE A CHIMICHANGA RIGHT NOW!"
It was kung fu joe. Trinis long lost cousin, who is actually the father of his long lost brother
Tabago!
"Hop in Kung Fu Joe!" Trini yelled "I'm on my way to the Living breathing tree who will tell us
where to find the cow of saphire who will give me the ultimate fro pick so i may attain the
final leve of afrotude and oust Blargaloo from the throne of largalook.
"INDUBITABLY" Yelled kung fu joe as he hopped onto the moving cheeseburger mobile.
They sped along the highway until finally they reached the village of the crazies
The announcer said "The Village of the Crazies... They'll never make it out alive
"AY THATS A BUNCH A BLOOK FLAGGIN BLARNEY YA TINGLE FINKING DAISY KISSER" said
Hank.
"Yah youre right" trini said "dont listen to him"
"As they entered the village of the crazies an old woman yeled "MWA MWA!"
"HEY MON! THAT WAS CRAZY MON!" said kung fu joe.
"Then they entered the Giant Castle of Cows and...

[Gebohq]

(NSP: Welcome Jorbo! I hope that you DO continue to post. There are only a few things to think about when writing for NeS, if you haven't already:

1) Keep the NeS Spirit--This is by far the most important (and therefore, the most vague). I can only really point to you examples of those that keep it and those that don't. ANY of Janitor Bob's (thusfar at least) have been in the NeS spirit. That one above this post (by...*examines post* Pugler) was NOT in the NeS spirit. Also, any one post thread-killers are NOT NeS spirit. NeS (btw--it's short for "Neverending Story") is above all, to be fun, which usually constitutes comedy, but has also included its good deal of action and melodrama http://forums.massassi.net/html/smile.gif

2) Read the previous material--If you can't do this, it's all good, but if you can, do so. It'll help you with any running jokes and such (ex. duct tape, donuts, Gonk, Microsoft's iron fist, etc. etc.)

3) Give definition to your character--This not only helps with identifying your character from the rest of the multitude, but will help in knowing if your character should be used for a certain situaiton and looks good for a certain role (ex. Janitor Bob's a janitor--has an obsession with cleanliness. There aren't any other janitors, so it's easy to say "ey, we need a janitor" and pull Bob out of the woodworks. Same goes for such characters as Krig the Viking, Lt. Randy, and Otter). Also, the more identifiable your character is, the more it will be written for by others *good thing*. On a last note, when the online comic version (starts, and) gets to this point in the story some 10,000 years from now, we need to know whatcha look like and such http://forums.massassi.net/html/smile.gif (THAT GOES FOR SUCH OTHER CHARACTERS TOO, like THE LAST TRUE EVIL and THE MEGA MZZTER)

4) Post often--Post. Post some more. Post 'til your ears fall off. Posting is your friend. Even if you can't think of anything, there's always a B.U.M.P. (benevolant upward mobility post--owned by Semievil the writer, CEO of B.U.M.P intl. *as opposed to the hero--yeah, it's complicated*) or writing up guidelines for new writers *looks innocent* Just don't post a) one word b)like Spooky Taco posts c) like Word Association posts http://forums.massassi.net/html/smile.gif (If such an event were to arise that may call for an appropriate use of the above, it will be decided on a case-by-case basis).

5) Get others to join--Suck others into joining. The more others join, the less the ones that are currently writing have to write http://forums.massassi.net/html/smile.gif Advertising is your friend. The laziness is strong within us, and unlike the Sith, we memebers of Nesianity have as MANY as we can get.

That's about it. The storywriters are your allies. Duct-tape fixes all. Donuts, cookies, and pie will ALWAYS lure heroes. And lastly, if any of these are proven wrong, go see Ares at your own risk involving his first rule. Oh and uh...Ares, the god of war, sponsors NeS. (note: the ACTUAL Ares left writing some time ago. His character remains though, as does his clone and his army of clones).

---------------------

Gebohq--leader of the band of NeS heroes and sporting a hairstyle that rivals Mark Hamill's from Star Wars and Kevin Bacon's from Tremors. His turn on are long walks on the beach and amazon women on the moon...

[This message has been edited by Gebohq (edited October 30, 2001).]

[Gettleburger]

B.U.M.P.

Benevolent
Upward
Mobility
Post!!!!

(NSP: I'll post something as soon as i read the last six pages of this..... and dont waste your energy posting suff about what i should do, remember ive read the whole damn thing http://forums.massassi.net/html/smile.gif)

------------------
<Rob> Sometimes I think the support dudes go and play netgames when they are helping you.

[This message has been edited by Gettleburger (edited October 31, 2001).]

[Gettleburger]

Gettle: Time to make my entrance....


*proceeds to fall a long way and every 5 seconds the camera will go Matrix-style*

Gettle: AAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

Geb: What's that?

Bob: It's a bird...it's a plane....it's a........*trailing off*

Geb: Riiiiite, anywho's...

*Gettle proceeds to fall facefirst into the ground near where Geb is standing*

Gettle: Ow....

Who is this new and crazy person?!!? Will he be accepted into the story after reading twenty-six pages of NeS!!?? Does he have any sanity at all!?!?!?!?!!!!!! My god I'm overusing the !?!?!?!?!?! ......... tune in next time for the....next post....

------------------
<Rob> Sometimes I think the support dudes go and play netgames when they are helping you.

[Janitor Bob]

*Groggily, Phil opens his eyes.*

Phil: Uh… Mom?

*Phil takes a glance around at his surroundings. He is wedged in between the parking brake and the dashboard. His van is upside down, hanging from a branch over a cliff. A guardrail with a large broken section sits above him. Cargo labeled “Fragile. Handle with care” is strewn throughout the van, and the bloody footprints of Hamster man lead off into the distance.*

*Phil pops open the glovebox, takes out some leftover Mcdonalds Napkins and fastens a rope out of them. Quickly, he creates a winch and uses his knowledge of physics and mechanics to pull the van back onto the road.*

*Taking a deep breath Phil looks at his watch. 6:54.41*

Phil: Crud! I only have two hours before our guaranteed delivery time. If I don’t make it in time I won’t get a tip!

*Little did Phil realize that he had failed to take into account daylights savings time.*

*Quickly, Phil clicks on his seatbelt, adjusts his mirrors, looks both ways, raises his seat, shifts his gears, and turns the key in the ignition.*

Engine: ShikaShikaShikaShika.

*Seeing no immediate change in velocity, Phil turns the key again.*

Engine: ShikaShikaShikaShika.

Phil: Crud. Must be that blasted fuel pump again! I knew that thing would give me trouble.

*Or, possible it was the fact that their was a deep claw laceration deep across his engine. But for whatever the reason the UGO van wasn’t going anywhere.*

Phil: Ooh, Gates is gunna be mad…

*Phil picks up the CB mike and starts talking into it*

Phil: Yeah, I’d like Microsoft Tech Support please.

Recorded Voice: Please hold on the line until our Tech Support Man can either get to the phone, or figure out how to work it. Thank you. Your Call is very important to us.

*While audio commercials for Windows XP play, Phil stares vacantly off into the highway. Suddenly, through the haze of rain, a twinkling light appears. As the light grows bigger and clearer it splits into two lights, an equal distance apart. Slowly, but surely, a dim notion starts to enter Phil’s mind. Something about driving. Something about position. Now he could see that an object was behind the two lights.*

Phil: Come’on Phil, think. You’ve gotta remember.

*Suddenly the lights entered Phil’s field of vision, entreating Phil to the sight of a Semi-truck with the Coca-Cola symbol driving straight towards Phil’s stationary UGO van.*

*Revelation dawns.*

Phil: I’m in the wrong lane!
*Phil grabs the latch on the door, and pulls.*

*Seconds later, Phil lets go of the latch, unlocks the door, and then pulls the latch again. He dives out*

CB Radio: Hi, I’m Hank Cromwell from Microsoft Tech Support what seems to be the proble- *CRASH*

***A FEW HOURS LATER***

*Phil stands on a piece of metal with an O on it, behind a pile of metal slag. He pushes his wet black hair out of his eyes. He shivers, having only a thin UGO delivery man jacket to warm him. Still the rain drizzles down. Everyonce an a while a large truck would speed past, splashing Phil with mud. He was cold, he was wet, he was hungry and he wanted his mommy. Futilely, he sticks out his thumb in hopes that some kind soul would stop and give him a ride*

*Finally, a black Dodge Viper pulls to the stop. The tinted electronic windows roll down and a Godlike man sticks his head out.*

Ares: You seem rather distraught? Can I help you?

Phil: Finally! Somebody. My van got destroyed, and I need to get to Tokyo to warn the locals about an escaped monster before it’s to late!

Ares: On second thoughts, I don’t want your muddy self to dirty my leather interior. Good luck!

*The Dodge Viper screeches off, splashing Phil*

Phil: *grumbling* I feel like I’m the main character in the modern day version of the Good Samaritan…

*Minutes pass*

Phil: Come’on somebody’s gotta help me. Anybody?

*Just then, an ominous looking truck painted green military camouflage colors pulls up and stops near Phil. The door swings open. Slowly a large boot and a leg clad in fatigues appears out of the door. Several gun holsters filled with small pistols hang from each boot. Phil looks up at the man who stepped out from the truck. He is compeletely clad in military fatigues. A beret sits on top of his curly black hair. A squarish beard crops his face. An M-16 in his callused hands completes the picture. He gives a flashy smile, Cuban Cigar clamped between the teeth.*

Phil: Uh… hi?

Man: Greetings. My name, although you’ve most likely heard it before, is none other than Fidel Castro.

Phil: Uh… thee Fidel Castro? The communist leader? The scum sucking villian who enslaved all of Cuba, under a veneer of Freedom and righteousness, but still denying the Cuban population fundamental natural rights and liberties?

Fidel: The one and only.

Phil: Uh…

Fidel: Look, do want a ride in this vehicle or shall you refuse my most generous offer?

*Phil glances at his watch*

Phil: Yeah. You happen to be headed for Tokyo?
Fidel: That’s exactly where we are going. And we shall take you with us. Now get in the vehicle.

*Phil nervously climbs into the truck, sitting next to a moustached German and a wild eyed Cambodian.*

Fidel: Just situate yourself next to my good friends Adolf Hitler and Pol Pot.

Hitler: DEUTSCHLAND!!

Pol Pot: De-e-ath. Death to all technology. INFERNAL WRETCHES!

Phil: Uh… Hi.

*Phil gives a little timid wave.*

Fidel: Don’t mind Mr. Pot. He’s still a little shaky from the resurrection.

Phil: Let me get this straight Fidel. Pardon my confusion, but I’m currently sitting next to three of the greatest villians the world has ever seen, to who are currently dead. The only person who’s missing from this convocation is Satan himself.

Fidel: Oh, he’s in the other car, with Stalin and Burby.

Phil: But… their… dead…

Fidel: Yep, but we all owe our lives to our good friend Darkside. He traveled back in time, and picked up all the villians from the point on Earth where they were alive, or in their prime in my case. He needs our help to first, kill all the currently unemployed NES heroes, and secondly, to aid in his plan of World Domination. Isn’t a person here who doesn’t like a little World Domination.

Phil: Actually, I’d be satisfied with just a good steady job, and a warm fire.

Fidel: BAH! You lack vision. An oversight that will soon be corrected.

Phil: *moan*

Fidel: It’s not so bad. You’ve just gotta think positive.

*Fidel starts up the truck.*

Fidel: EVERYBODY, NOW!

Villians: 99 vials of cyanide gas on the wall!
99 vials of gas…
-----------------------

*Somewhere… in Tokyo… in an Abandoned Tokyo Warehouse… a pivotal event is about to unfold.*

*The snarling large man in the black trenchcoat steps out of the shadows. He doffs the trenchcoat, revealing himself- Hamster Man- in his full glory, for all the audience to see*

*He rummages through the trenchcoat, throwing out old candy wrappers and finally takes out the object to be beheld.*

*The Radioactive Chernobyl wreakage.*

*Taking a harried look around, the Hamster Man checks for anybody watching. To the displeasure of the president of PPV enterprises, nobody is.*

*Hamster man leans his head back, and tosses the shining concrete into the air. A tongue shoots out and snags the wreakage. Seconds later, Hamster man spits out the concrete. He fills up a glass of water, puts the weakage in his mouth again and swallows both the water and the concrete chunk.*

*Hamster Man lets out a groan of distress. His stomach starts glowing. His hair stands on end. His limbs go into seizures. Hamster Man has a very bad case of indigestion and heartburn. But slowly and surely, something starts happening.*

*Hamster man starts growing… and growing. Taller and taller.*

*He lets out a cry of victory.*

Will Phil reach Tokyo in time? What about Hitler, Fidel, and Pol Pot? What about Hamster Man? Why are all these new writers invading? Why can’t good things last? Why is Janitor Bob the writer so Xenophobic. When will Janitor Bob the writer’s stomach recover from all the Halloween Candy he was supposed to give to Tricker Treaters? Next time. Same Time. This Time. (Make sure to account for Daylights Saving Time) on The Neverending Story: Attack of the needless subtitles.


------------------
May the Windex be with you
-Janitor Jack (Salk Wars)

[The MAZZTer]

*LosienTH approaches the Massassi Forum Building on one side. Coincidentally, PMTW and MZZTTW are walking alone 1334 street (the other side) toward the building also.*

MZZTTW: So, PM, what's our latest assignment?

PMTW: We've got intelegence reports that a 'Mr. Kazinski' plans to blow up the Massassi Forums Building with the help of none other than...

*Duh, duh daaaaaa*

PM: Janitor Bob!!!

MZZT: Do we know when?

PM: Yes, very soon, within the hour!

MZZT: *Gasp*

*Bob walks up!*

Janitor Bob TH: Hi! Just wanted to let you know that someone wants me to...

PM: Get him!!! http://forums.massassi.net/html/mad.gif

*MZZT and PM tackle Bob. After wrestling him for several minutes, MZZT realizes something important.*

MZZT: Bob... why?

Bob: Well, Mr. Kazinsky wants me to blow up the building, and so I'd thought I'd tell you.

MZZT: ...

PM: You make a bad Badguy(TM), Bob.

Bob: Huh? No I mean...

MZZT: PM, check for explosives..

Bob: No! No not that! I'm ticklish! No! Hahahahahahahahahahahhaaaaaaaaaa.... ...

PM: He's clean.

MZZT: Well, if HE doesn't have the explosions... maybe...

PM: *Face pales* Someone else....

*PM runs toward the building*

MZZT: Hey, Bob, you're BobTH? How'd you get between the realms anyway?

-=< In the Massassi Forums Building >=-

LosienTH: Well, here I am... I think I'll open this in my office.

*Five minutes later*

PM: *Pant* *Pant* HEY!!!.... *Pant* Who... *Runs to offices*

Losien: Who's that?

PM: Hey! You're Losien TH??!??! How.. nm... whats that package?

Losien: I don't know... Joe gave it to me... but it CAN'T be that clock I want... it's too small! Humph! Joe KNEW I wanted that clock!!! *Walks off, leaving the package.*

PM: Hm... I wonder what it is...

Package: *Tick, Tock, Tick, Tock, Tick, Tock*

PM: *Opens it and...*

*KA-BLAM!!!*

PM: Doh... hey wait! I'm still here! :confused*

-=< Outside >=-

*Mr. Kazinski is hiding in some bushes with some binoculars*

Mr Kazinski: ... ??? I heard the explosion!!! Darn... the gift shop must've swapped packages again!!! Gr...

-=< Elsewhere >=-

Mr Brown: Here, my wife! A birthday present! It's explosive! http://forums.massassi.net/html/smile.gif

Mrs Brown: Oh! Thank you!

*The package has several 'nuclear radiation' symbols on it BTW*

Mr Brown: Strange... it is supposed to say 'You're a blast'....

*Mrs Brown opens it... and soon their house is only a pit... three guesses what happened, and the first two don't count.*

Mr Brown: ARG THAT DARN GIFT SOHP MESSED UP THE ORDER AGAIN!!!! http://forums.massassi.net/html/mad.gif

------------------
A 73 year old lady was stopped from boarding a plane in Chicago, because she was carrying two 6-inch knitting needles. They thought she might try to knit an Afghan! - Pastor Harry Thomas

[Gettleburger]

(NSP: no big welcome for me? well..... i need to do something so here goes nothing)

Ticket Person*in cheesy bored voice*: Hi! Where would you like to fly today!

Gettle: I'd like a one-way ticket to tokyo

Ticket Person: I'm sorry, all flights to tokyo have been cancelled for some reason. Please come some other time

Gettle: *mumbles something under breath*

Ticket person: I'm sorry, what was that?

Gettle: *hands the money for the ticket cost plus $100 to ticket lady*

Ticket person: *hands ticket to Gettle* Thank you for flying Airway Airlines!

*****later on the plane...*****

Flight Attendant voice: Welcome to flight 97. We will be entering Tokyo shortly, please be prepared f--

she never finishes her sentance. all of a sudden a giant hand grabs the plane and rips it in half!!!

*Gettle looks out the half of the plane and sees none other than......... the size-enhanced Hamster Man!*

Gettle: Fuq

*Hamster Man begins to throw the plane toward the ground*

random person: uh-oh

*random person suddenly falls out of his seat and straight toward the ground to land with a *crunch**

Gettle: Always buckle up!

*Gettle jumps out holding his seat cushion
Passengers just stare at the crazy person jumping out of the plan with a seat*

Gettle: Awww crap! they meant WATER flotation seats!! *curses fervently*

*continues to fall until he lands on something soft, furry, and smelly. Hamster Man's TOE!!!!! There seems to be a huge growth of toe jam in between his toes*

Gettle: ugh....

*jumps off of the toe and lands on... a truck with green military camoflauge on it*

What will happen to Gettle? Will the reincarnated evildoers torture this poor person? All this and more... next..... time....

------------------
<Rob> Sometimes I think the support dudes go and play netgames when they are helping you.

[CookedHaggis]

What ever happened to our spiffy (food) server? Did everyone just realise what a boring character he was? Does that matter? Why am I starting a post with questions rather than ending it with them?

Find out in the next exciting installment of NeS. Which is actually this installment, since this is the beginning of the post.

Are you suitably confused? Then I'll begin...

*Since we last saw him, the perpetually tuxedo'd one (that's CookedHaggis, the waiter, in case you've all forgotten by now...) has really gone downhill. And keep in mind, we last saw him working in Walmart...*

CookedHaggis: "Would you like...*shudder*...fries with that?"

Man: "No, I'm actuall looking for a half-man, half-hamster monstrosity..."

CookedHaggis: "Wait a moment...would you happen to go by the name of Otter?"

Otter: "Well it's Maureen at the weekends, but by and large, yes. And you would be...?"

CookedHaggis: "It's me!"

Otter: "Umm..."

CookedHaggis: "CookedHaggis..."

Otter: "Umm...."

CookedHaggis: "The one who never posts..."

Otter: "That doesn't narrow it down much you know."

CookedHaggis: "The one who said "that looks familiar" on the previous page..."

Otter: "Ah! That guy! How're you doing? And how come you're in Tokyo? Isn't that a little too convenient?"

CookedHaggis: "Shhhh, plot holes go away if you just ignore them..."

[Gebohq]

(NSP: Count yourself lucky, Gettle. Remember, Janitor Bob got tarred and feathered when he first joined http://forums.massassi.net/html/wink.gif And you claim to have read it all, eh? Are ya insane yet from it? ...oh, I suppose I should post something, eh? Well, to go off on ANOTHER side tangent, and to go and do stuff I've always been wanting to do in NeS for a while...)

Geb: *scratching head* Jorbo, eh?

Jorbo: Yeah, that's right. And I'm in search of THE PEEEERRFEEEECT LEEEEVEEEEL!

A short yet loud fanfare of trumpets follows.

Jorbo: Er...so I've been told anyways. Got any ideas where to start?

Geb: Hmm...

Gebohq looks behind him, seeing Tokyo being destroyed at the claws of a giant Hampster man. The Hapster man rips a nearby flying airplane in half, and a small man holding a seat falls from it towards the monster's feet.

Gebohq then looks towards his left, and sees a TV, showing a newscast of the Massassi forum buildings, with MZZT waving his hands in front of the camera, and Losien holding a sign that said "Hi mom" with Phantom Master holding and shaking his head.

Gebohq then looks to his right, and sees two doorways, one labeled "Door to the perfect woman", the other labeled "Door to the perfect level in JediKnight".

Gebohq: Hmm...something seems odd about this--

Jorbo starts to make his way towards the door labeled "Door to the perfect level in JediKnight".

Geb: Wait! ...oh well.

Geb makes his way towards the door labeled "Door to the perfect woman", when the door opened and out stepped out a very content looking--

Geb: Galv?

Galvatron: Geb?

Geb: Is that--

Galv: It's not what you think.

Geb: But-

Galv: Hey, you want to take a break from being leader-like, right?

Geb: But-

Gebohq tried to push his way to the door labeled "Door to the perfect woman", but Galvatron held him back.

Galv: So why don't you just take the other door, and I'll be leader for a while?

Geb: But-

Galv: Don't forget your lightsaber-have a nice trip-bon voy-yah-jee!

Geb: But-

Galvatron shoves Geb through the door Jorbo went through, closes it, and locks it.

Galv: I wonder if I should have told him about that other door...oh well...
-------------------------------------
Gebohq, after a classic "Loading: Please Wait" screen, finds himself in a JediKnight level, lightsaber in hand. He also finds himself with a grapplehook, and standing within a grave. Jorbo stands above him, with a perplexed look on his face.

Jorbo: What is this place? Could this be the perfect level?

Geb: God no, it's... PURGATORY!

DUM-DUM-DUUUUUUUUUM!

Geb: Right then, and with SPORK 1.2 no less. This ought to be fun...
-------------------------------------------
On the camoflauged truck...

Gettle: Maybe if I just sit on this thing for a while, I can get a free ride to McDonalds. Falling out of airplanes really works up one's appetite...


Whee! New writers are being drawn towards writing for The Neverending Story Thread like moths towards a zapper--er--What new adventures will Gebohq and JorBo find while in search of the perfect level? Will they find the perfect level? Will Gebohq find the perfect woman? Will Galvatron become leader of the NeS heroes? Will Gettle meet CookedHaggis and Otter at McDonald's? Find out, right here, right now, right to your right. Or below rather. Here, on THE NEVERENDING STORY THREAD!

(NSP: JorBo, I'm basically starting a thing with Geb and JorBo jumping from level to level (and mod to mod) in search of the perfect level, so if you haven't played "Purgatory" or "Spork 1.2", feel free to change it, but please, if you have, make fun of it http://forums.massassi.net/html/smile.gif So whee! CookedHaggis posted!)

------------------
~Geb

[This message has been edited by Gebohq (edited November 02, 2001).]

[Gettleburger]

******In the green camoflauged ominous truck*******

* a B.U.M.P. is heard on top of the truck*

*B.U.M.P!*
*B.U.M.P!*

Phil: What was that!

*The other truck pulls up next to Phil's and the driver's window rolls down and stalin pokes his head out

*with russian accent* Stalin: Geet that pe-erson ovf your veheecle!

Phil: So that's what it was...

*Fidel nods and proceeds to pull out a sub-machinegun which he shoots at the ceiling of the truck. The bullets go through and a scream is heard*


----====outside the green camoflauged ominous-looking truck====----

Gettle: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!

Bullets: bangbangbangbangatabangata!

Gettle: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!

Bullets: bangbangbang BANG!!

*Gettle jumps off the van and onto the sidewalk. There is a McDonalds sign above him:
McDonalds
"over 99 billion served -including a giant hamster and the god of war!"

*Gettle walks into the McDonalds and ominous camoflauged trucks speed off*

*in a voice that sounds like he is going to go crazy if he serves one more cheeseburger*
Employee: Hello, what would you... like?

Gettle: I'd like a cheeseburger

Employee: NO!!! NOT A CHEESEBURGER ANYTHING BUT A CHEESEBURGER!.........Would you like.... fries with that?

Gettle: Uhhhh buddy are you ok?

*gettle reads the employees nickname which says 'CookedHaggis'*

CookedHaggis: Yes, I'm fine!!!! Now would you like fries with that.

Gettle: Yeah sure... *watches haggis pull his hair(he has hair?!)out of skull*

*Gettle takes his food and sits down at a table which has a wide-eyed person sitting there. he has one hand holding a magazine with one hand the other hand is

*****This has been censored because the narrators wish to keep the rating of this movie PG. Thank you

Gettle: My GOD!!! I'm trying to EAT here!!!

*gettle grabs the magazine and stares at it, and settles into an pattern where he gives the magazine to the man, eats a fry, and takes the magazine back*

*both speak in a dreamy tone of voice*
Gettle: Wow....bty, what's you name..

Man: I'm TheOtter.... what's your...*gasp*

*Gettle gets the magazine back and finds it sticky*

Gettle: Awww crap

TheOtter: Wheeeeeee!!!

Gettle: Thats nice


---==[[[[[Meanwhile in the writer's world]]]]]==---


*Gettle walks into the shabby NeS thread building and is forced to take the stairs because the elevator is broken. he reaches the top floor*

Gettle the Writer: Hello? I'm the new writer

*silence*

GettleTW: Heeeellllloooooooooooooo!?

*silence. You can hear crickets chirping in the background*

*Gettle's left eye twitches*

GettleTW: I have cookies!!!

-dramatic pause-

*Gettle is run over by the writers, all scrambling to get food!*

GettleTW: Hey wait!!!! I want one to--

*silence*

GettleTW: Hey stop that!!!!

*silence*

GettleTW: ...

*silence. you can hea--

*GettleTW throws the silencer into the disposal*

*geb appears in the doorway*

GebTW: Hi..person... your the new writer?

GettleTW: Yeah...I brought some cookies but..*looks in empty box* um...

GebTW *calling back into the other room*: We-e-e-ell we can tar and feather him or--

BobTW: no that'd be unoriginal, you already did it to me

GebTW: Yeah your right now I remember


(NSP: Ok, jeezus thats a long post, ill leave it up to you guys what happens to me... http://forums.massassi.net/html/smile.gif)

------------------
<Rob> Sometimes I think the support dudes go and play netgames when they are helping you.

[This message has been edited by Gettleburger (edited November 02, 2001).]

[Semievil333]

STW, sitting in his first-floor office of B.U.M.P. co. ponders the goings on outside the window. Every few moments a CEO of a different company drops past.

TLTETCEO (CEO of LTEltd), calling down from floor 12: "I can't take it anymore! I just can't take it anymore!"

STW: "Awww, suck it up, at least you've got options."

TLTETCEO: "Hmm... you're right, maybe I do have options... there's the stairs and the elevators, wow, thanks!"

STW: "Anytime"

STW turns back to his work, then back to the window in time to see a large green camo truck drive past in the direction of the Massassi building.

STW: "Icecream!!!!"

Sem dives through the window (right next to the door out) and takes off after it. Just in front of the Massassi building, he catches up and leaps into the back. Finding himself surrounded by various dictators, Sem becomes suddenly very nervous.

STW: "What's going on? Aren't you dead? Where's Pol-Pot?"

Castro: "Allow me to explain. This is Hitler, the actor, Phil the actor, and PPTA wanted to drive for a bit, so we went ahed and let him have some fun."

HTA: "We're on our way to film the lastest scene of NES for NES the Movie!"

STW: "Isn't that gag old by now?"

PTA: "Hardly a gag, Sem, you don't think they spent all that money on special effects for the trailers just to not make a movie, did you?"

STW: "What money? All they had to do was host 1/2kb of text!"

CTA: "Yeah, but for Massassi, that's alot of money, I mean, think what you get paid."

STW: "Good point. So where are you guys filming?"

PPTA, calling back from the front seat: "In the building, of course, that's where all the action of the story is, right?"

STW: "Uhh... I dunno... most of the action was in a different realm I thought, but I could be wrong... it's been a while since I was inside. I guess you guys can just drive right in, I'll clear you with security."

Sem gets out and the truck drives straight through the front door, right over the sign for the parking garage. Glass flies everywhere, fire hydrants burst suddenly, throngs of people materialize out of no-where for the express purpose of panicing, and several gratuitous fires start.

STW: "Ermn..."

Sem walks quickly away from the whole scene, hoping nobody saw him there.

Meanwhile

GTW: "You guys feel something b.u.m.p. the building?"

BTW: "'prolly just annother nuke"

no. No. NO! I'm not going to narrate the stupid movie! You guys don't pay me enough anyway, there's no way you're getting a movie out of me. I don't care! Have Ares' clone fill in! You really think so? Am I really? Oh, stop! No, no, not really stop! Allright, I'll do it!

------------------
The early bird may get the worm-
but it's the second mouse who gets the cheeze.

Omnia quae specto dominavi, et tantam magnus sum, ut non specto!

[Gettleburger]

(NSP: ok, I'll do my movie destiny, but i want you guys to decide whatchu want to do to me in the 'RL' http://forums.massassi.net/html/smile.gif And yes, i survived reading 26 pages of this)

Gettle*under breath*: I'm not sure i wanted to meet you...

*TheOtter runs to the bathroom before gettle can say anything else*

Gettle: Well so much for that..

*Haggis comes to collect the trash, including the magazine*

Haggis: As soon as I get this done I'm on my break...

Gettle: since we're the heroes of this story, let's take out hamster man!

Haggis: shhh! don't say that out loud!

Gettle: oops

*Gettle walks out of the McDonalds with Haggis and not a second too late because all of a sudden !-dramatic pause-! A GIANT HAIRY FOOT COMES DOWN AND SMASHES THE MCDONALDS!!*

Haggis: That looked like it hurt...

Gettle: What about Otter! He was in the bathroom...cleaning..up...

*Just then, Otter comes out of the ruins of the McDonalds, unscathed because of the intelligence of the writers*

Gettle: How'd you get out without any injury?!!

Otter: uhhhhhh....i dont know...

*they proceed to Mt Fuji(god thats such a funny name) where Hamster man is using a giant evil jackhammer to make a huge hole in the mountain*

Otter: A giant vibrator!!!!!! *Otter jumps onto the giant evil jackhammer and ...vibrates...violently*

Gettle: Uhhh what do we do?

Haggis: umm....let's go get super weapons!

Gettle: that's original..

*They rush to the forms desk which is -conveniently- placed 50 ft away from them*

Haggis: We need 2 tons of hamster food, a giant wheel, and a really big tranquilizer gun!

Forms lady: Fill out forms 3265, 6416a, 6416b, 4327, 865z, and 809. *puts a 5 ft. thick pile of papers on the desk*

*Gettle throws the forms and lady into a nearby forming plot hole, therefore getting rid of the horrible forms and gettin what they need*

Haggis: wonder where they went...

*haggis takes the hamster food and pours it into the hole hamster man has made. Gettle takes the giant wheel and puts it nearby. they both carefully ready the huge tranquilizer gun...*

Meanwhile, Otter is still on the giant evil jackhammer bouncing away

Gettle: Fire!!!!!

*The huge tranquilizer fires with a huge recoil and the 15ft. long dart runs right into......-another dramatic pause- GONK!! who's GPM(gonks per minute) goes from 600 to 10!!*

Gettle and Haggis: Fuq

*Hamster man then gives a shout of joy when he sees all the hamster food and giant wheel and immedietely begins to stuff his face*

*Gettle tries to go back and get another tranquilizer dart*

Janitor: I'm sorry! We don't have any more!!

Gettle: I KNOW YOU HAVE ONE! GIVE ME!

Janitor: I don't have one!!! *smacks gettle with a skillfully wielded mop*

Gettle: Ow!!

*his name tag reads: Jim*

Gettle: Are you Janitor Jim?

Janitor: No, I'm janitor bob, and im the tooth fairy!

Gettle: really? how come i never saw you as a kid?

Tooth Fairy: ...

Gettle: umm, well there's a giant hamster outside and a very sedated gonk droid...

Tooth Fairy: Well i can give you this gigantic t-rex tooth *drops it on Gettles head*

Gettle: OW!

*the Tooth fairy disappears into a plot hole*

Gettle: What should I do with this? *groan*

[i]What is going to happen to poor gonk! Will hamster man crush him? or reprogram him so tortures the world going at 1000GPM!!! It's horrible to even think about it! All this and more on the next.......er... post

------------------
<Rob> Sometimes I think the support dudes go and play netgames when they are helping you.

[The MAZZTer]

(_/=- Meanwhilist -=\_)

*Ha! Didn't say 'Meanwhile'! Wait... doh...*

*OLTE's Palace is now a pile of smoking rubble. Darkside stands on top of it, victorious. The only part of the palace that is not broken into little-bitty pieces is a lone tiolet, because, it made you laugh didn't it?*

Darkside: HAAHAHAH!!! I destroyed his palace!!! HAAHAH... wait... where'd OLTE go anyways!?!?!?

*OLTE emerges from the rubble holding his Really-Big-Gun.*

OLTE: HA! *Fires*

*The entire acre of land is vaporized instantly. Darkside is nowhere to be seen, and OLTE stands there... alone and victorious.*

OLTE: Heh. That will show him to try to destroy my palace!!! http://forums.massassi.net/html/biggrin.gif Wait...

OLTE: ...

OLTE: #$%. http://forums.massassi.net/html/mad.gif

Ominous Voice: HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAH!!!! YoU CaNnOt dEsTrOy mE!!!!!!!! I Am dArKsIdE!!!

OLTE: Stop alternating caps. You're making me laugh.

Darkside's voice: Oh, uh... Well... I AM THE DARK SIDE OF THE FORCE... IT'S PRESENT... PAST... AND FUTURE!!!

OLTE: Yeah, yeah, we've heard all that already... but I'm the Original Last True Evil, remember?

Darkside: No matter. When you die, you're souls will join with ours, and you will fulfil our purpose.

OLTE: Us? Oh wait, lemme guess: You're the Borg, right?

Darkside: NO!!! I am the embodiment of evil!!! I was only possessing that fool Jerec!!! I can possess whoever I want.... LIKE YOU!!!

OLTE: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

*Darkside possessed OLTE. With a spectacular display of lights, lightning, and stuff, OLTE's eyes turn red and begin to look... strange... like Jerec's/Darkside's.*

OLTE/Darkside: MUAHAHAHAHAHHA!!!! Now, I can turn my attention once again to Massassi Forum's Building and those new "world leaders" in their camoflaged vans... and that Mr. Kazinski... *flies off*

-=< In the writer's world >=-

*In the Massassi Forum's Building, MZZTTW is aware of a faint crashing sound on ground floor, but he was on floor 10, so he didn't think it applied to him.*

MZZT: Darn news people will do anything to get a quote. Hey, I wonder if anyone's in today besides me.

*After checking the other offices and finding noone but PMTW (LosienTH and BobTH had gone back to the heroes' realm to avoid confusion), MZZT goes back to his desk.*

MZZT: Yes! No one else here. *Closes his word processor* I'm tired of typing today... *Runs Zone Friends and connects to the 'Net.* Ok, lets play some JK... hey, there's this guy in the lobby here... "NeS_Hater"? Gr... I'll e-mail MSNGZ later and insist that it qualifies as hate speech... hm what's he saying? A new JK clan, Anti-NeS? *Clicks to website* Gr, I'm DEFINATELY gonna get this thing shut down somehow... Woah!!! This site... is PURE EVIL!!! ACK. Pics of skulls, burning USA flags, ... links to KKK sites!!! ... Geb needs to know about this!!

*Gasp* An anti-NeS JK clan?!?!?! Could Darkside or the group of "world leaders"... or maybe it's Mr Kazinski's doing!!! Or is it the Hamster Man?!?!?!? Now that Darkside has the entire army of LTEs at his command (except TLTETW and TLTETH, of course) what will he tell them to do first?!?!? Only time will tell.. and maybe the next few posts!

NOTE: May last post, I forgot to mention that the package was just a firecracker, and the Forum's Building was still standing, if you didn't figure it out. Also, me and PM thewriters aren't the secret agents, the heroes are... oops!! http://forums.massassi.net/html/redface.gif

My next post I want to be something alone the lines of JK... so I'll probably join Geb and Jorbo. BTW, what realm are you in searching for the lvl? I'll assume heroes' for now.

------------------
A 73 year old lady was stopped from boarding a plane in Chicago, because she was carrying two 6-inch knitting needles. They thought she might try to knit an Afghan! - Pastor Harry Thomas

[Gettleburger]

(NSP: no one's posting! grr....)

*Gettle, being of course, the hero, suddenly has an idea! He dashes out carrying the tooth out of the closet and trips over Gonk! The tooth goes flying into the ground near hamster man*

Gettle: Aaaargh!!!!!!!

Haggis: It's your fault, every single time!

Gettle: Well *sniff* sorry... *sits down and cries*

*Hamster Man continues to run in his giant wheel*

Haggis: Well don't just sit there! Do something!

Gettle: Why don't you do anything?! I can't help it if I'm the hero! I QUIT!!! *bursts into more tears*

*Hamster Man suddenly becomes uninterested in the wheel and food, and charges straight at haggis and gettle!*

Haggis: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Gettle: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

*They both run away from the huge hamster screaming for some symbol from the writers!*

Who will save the poor humans from the huge hamster man? Will they survive? Of course they will! They are the heros, are you guys stupid or something?! Tune into the next post for their..er..survival..

------------------
<Rob> Sometimes I think the support dudes go and play netgames when they are helping you.

[Gebohq]

(NSP: Gettle, you obviously didn't pick up on the fact that now-and-days, we writers post few and far between, so you'll have to be patient (until you start to loose count of the days, then you can start being impatient). And MZZT--feel free to drop in the Geb/Jorbo thing *it if nothing else will be a failsafe in case Jorbo doesn't post anymore*. And I don't mean to spoil any surprises or secrets, but in case the other writers out of the loop are confused, we've basically tried to start up multiple plots confusingly tangled together, in hopes that writers will write for at least ONE of these plots~ don't be concerned with whether it flows. If something is glaringly horrifying to look at, we'll write a mystical swirl/plot hole to take care of it http://forums.massassi.net/html/smile.gif Anywhos, I'll make a small post.)

The Original Last True Evil, now possessed by Darkside, contiplates his next move.

OLTE/Darkside: Hmm...now that I have an insanely huge amount of physical power AND my own evil army of loyal followers, I need to figure out how to use these two things to take over the world.

A finger dances around carelessly on a world map, spread out on a table.

OTLE/Darkside: Alright, what does every person trying to take over the world do to start their evil plans? ...an insanely large amount of stolen money! And where else can they easily take them from but Switzerland: famous for their bank accounts, army knives, and ski resorts! Oh yeah, and being neutral in any war due to them being in the middle of Western Civilization as it is known...

The finger pokes at Switzerland.

OTLE/Darkside: Yes, first Switzerland, then the WORLD! Mwahahahahahahahaha...

The camera zooms closer to the point of Switzerland, when the map at the finger's point begins to burn.

OTLE/Darkside: Curses! I hate when my sheer evil power burns things upon touch! I'll need myself a new Discovery Zone playmat of the world now...

------------------
~Geb

(NOTE: So this doesn't crop up, Darkside summoned those other evil potential world leaders--they're part of his plan to take over the world~nothing like ressurecting other bad guys in the classic plan to take over the world.)

[This message has been edited by Gebohq (edited November 04, 2001).]

[JorBo]

I'm still here!! I'll try and come up with somthing to post by wednesday.

[Antestarr]

*NSP: Do you all realize how taxing it is for somebody who doesn't sleep enough to read multiple forum pages with really long posts...? Probably, but I've still made this sacrifice to bless you all with my presence once more.*

*Antestarr, feeling alone, disused, forgotten, and all around poor, tries to find some way to make enough cash to match (or exceed) his fellow heroes. Deciding his best bet would be to return to his black businesses he was in prior to his "heroism", he flips through his black book to find a few numbers.*

Ante: Hmm... which company towed my ship from the original arena before the whole "holy hand remote" ordeal...? Ah, my... er... associates would probably know!

*Ante dials the number for his former hide-out only to be disappointed by the voice at the other end.*

Operator: Thank you for calling Rent-A-Zilla. How may we serve your destructive needs?

Ante: Uhh... isn't this the warehouse?

Operator: Oh no, they haven't payed their phone bills in years, so we overtook their phone number.

Ante: D'oh! Hmm... *looking back at the destructive motions in the city behind him.* Perhaps I could use one of your "Rent-A-Zilla's" can I get it on 100% loan, with intent to pay after a few weeks.

Operator: Well, normally we can't do that, but in this case, you being a celebrity and all, and us getting a memo from some "Massassi Forums Group", we'll let it go this time.

Ante: Excellent...

--------------
*Meanwhile, in an abandoned warehouse just outside the solar system.*

Nigel: Hey, Signet. The boss has been gone for a while and I'm getting hungry. Maybe we should go look for him and/or food...

Signet: Hey, YEAH! That's a great idea. We should follow this little map-looking screen thing marked "boss tracker" too. I'm sure it'll lead us to food.

Nigel: Okay! Lets go!

*The two oversized henchmen squeeze themselves into an interstellar Pinto and start on their journey to find food... mmm.... foood..........*

Who remembers these simpleton henchmen? Where are they headed with their "boss tracker"? How will the "Rent-A-Zilla" fare against the Hamster Man? Find out next time an eloquent megalomaniac takes time to further this plot!

[Janitor Bob]

*Masseto looks out the small window of his Tokyo apartment, and sees a large eye looking back at him. Casually, Masseto picks up an unused broom and shoves the small pointy end through the window, and into the glaring eyeball of hamster man. There is a hideous plopping sound and Hamster man claws at his eye in pain*

Hamster Man: Doh!

Masseto: Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk!

*Hamster man kneels to the ground, trying to pull out the broom.*

*It must have slipped Hamster Man’s mind that he had 6 foot long claws, so this attempt was unsuccessful.*

*Having depth perception no longer, Hamster Man tromps around town gobbling up random expendable citizens and using lightposts for toothpicks. He shoves his claws through a skyscraper and twists, ripping up the structure.*

*Basically, the world was going to heck*

Masseto: I’m bored. I think I’ll watch some TV.

*Lifting up his couch cushion, Masseto grabs a remote and flips on the TV.*

Masseto: ABC: Hamster Man News. CBS: Hamster Man News. PBS: Hamster Man News NBC: Hamster Man News. Home Shopping Channel: Hamster Man news. Cartoon Network: Hamster Man News.

*Suddenly, Masseto pauses in mid-flip. On the screen before him, was somebody that he vaguely recognized.*

Todd: Hi. I’m Tod Ayitsgon Narain, Weatherman from CNN. Normally, we’d have Dan or another news anchor for a press breaking interview like this, but they have tragically been killed in important plot developments. I’m here with Dr. Geb, renowned expert on mutated rodents.

*Dr. Geb sits in a plush chair across from Todd, a coffee cup to his lips. A full neatly trimmed white beard hangs below the doctors spectacles. He clears his throats*

Dr. Geb: Well, to be correct Todd, I only have a minor in Mutated Rodents, but a major in NEStopology.

Todd: Heh. My mistake, Dr. Geb. What is your… professional opinion… of this Hamster Crisis?

Dr. Geb: It’s unfortunate. Most unfortunate.

Todd: Is there any problems that this could cause in the near future? Besides the obvious cannabilism of civilians and destruction of buildings.

Dr. Geb: Indeed infact there is, Mr. Narain. Indeed infact there is. The effect on the stocks for companies producing Hamster Feed has plummeted.

Todd: Is there any stopping such a indifferent monster?

Dr. Geb: Well, Todd, it may be that the monster will stop itself.

Todd: Care to expound on that, Doctor?

Dr. Geb: Well, *Dr. Geb draws a quick graph on the chalkboard behind him* The Hamster Man is growing at a steady continuous rate, correct?

Todd: Correct.

Dr. Geb: Well, at this rate, in a months time, Hamster Man’s mass will be so great that his mass will actually knock the earth out of orbit. Taking into account the earth’s orbit, spin, and Hamster Man’s current location, the earth will collide with the sun, consuming the Hamster man in a tremendous burning fire.

Todd: But, there are several notable side affects to that solution, correct?

Dr. Geb: Well, yes, there are those.

Todd: So you recommend killing Hamster Man by other means?

Dr. Geb: That would be my suggestion, yes.

Todd: Any suggestions as to HOW to get rid of Hamster Man?

Dr. Geb: Don’t worry. The unraveling fabric of space time should kill us long before Hamster Man does?

Todd: Uh… unraveling space time?

Dr. Geb: Haven’t you noticed. The excess of plot lines, the even greater excess of plot holes, shifting tunnels between realms, an abundance of previously thought dead, missing, or gone altogether characters; poor TV reception. The fabric of space time is unraveling. We should feel honored. We’ve never seen this happen before in history. This is a momentous occasion.

Todd: Um… I’m thrilled, really.


------------------
May the Windex be with you
-Janitor Jack (Salk Wars)

[Antestarr]

*Ante's writer personage walks into the Office of Publication and makes a quick memo to all the fellow writers.*

To: NES Writers
CC: Ares
Subject: Many thanks.

I would like to thank all the writers for allowing my alter-ego to participate in such intelligent, intense, and all around great situations during my several page hiatus. I wish to show my appreciation by setting you all on fire. Internally. With my mind.

Love and Kisses,
Antestarr, well-loved author, psychokinetic, poet, lover, fighter, and cool guy.

PS: This memo has been an attempt at creating a new holiday known as "November Fool's Day". Please report any internal increase in temperature to your local physician immediately, and remember, this never really happened ;-)

[Gettleburger]

(NSP: I think I've got the most level editing skill/experience here, so i'll be GTW/LE(Gettle The Writer/Level Editor) instead of GTW so as not to get confused w/ Geb)

*While our heros make a dash for it, they stall hamster man by placing a naked picture of Haggis in front of him. Hamster man stares at it a bit, and eats it, but gives them enough time to escape*

Haggis: I protest this use of my body for sexual pleasure by enourmous furry beings!

Gettle: Too late now!

*Suddenly by the genius of the writers, a flying carpet materializes in mid-air and whisks them away to somewhere...not Japan*

The heros surroundings are now an island, and they are equipped with swords and grappling hooks

*music suggesting something bad has happened starts*

Gettle: Uh-oh

Haggis: Where are we?!

Gettle: Um...sword + island + nice architexture =

*music builds to a climax*

Gettle: Drazen Isle with Ninja Kage 7.0!!!

Haggis: oh. and?

*music abuptly stops at haggis's comment*

*All of a sudden a big flashy sign appears in front of them saying:

Concussion Rifle sale at Resort Hotel!

Gettle: Oooooh!! *dashes off*

Haggis: Wait for me!!!!


-{Later in the hotel...}-

Gettle: My conc is bigger than yours!!

Haggis: No it isn't!

Gettle: Is too!
Haggis: Is not!
Gettle: Is too!
Haggis: Is not!

*Gettle shoots the tape recorder which was on loop*

Haggis: Ok let's find a room for the night since we're in this hotel...

*They walk around the hotel and find a nice corner room, and they *Think* they here voices *across* the hall*

Voice 1(male): I'm collecting taxes..
Voice 2(feminine): But..I'm not a citizen!

Gettle: umm right how bout this room

*Suddenly lag kicks in and it takes them forever to open the door*

Then...


The door opens!!!!!


Haggis and Gettle: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!

Inside is Jan Ors bending over to the mayor! Who looks exactly like otter! who IS otter!!

Haggis and Gettle: AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

Gettle: GOOD GOD OTTER!!! YOUR THE MAYOR!!! YOU CAN'T GO AROUND SCREWING A LEVEL'S CITIZENS!!

Jan*while trying to put on clothes*: I'm not a citizen...

*All stare it her with a you-know-what-we-mean look*

*Drags otter out and slam door*

*They stay in separate rooms to avoid any contact with otter*

The next day...

Haggis: I'm gonna go look for a map to get out of here

Gettle*in whiny voice*: but i ALWAYS get the map!!

Haggis: No you stay by the bell tower

Gettle: Awww ok http://forums.massassi.net/html/frown.gif

*Gettle goes into the drazen files and edits the cog that creates treasure maps and moves the ghost position into the bell tower and it automatically makes the treasure in the bush next to the bell*

Gettle: Hehehheehhehee > http://forums.massassi.net/html/smile.gif

All of a sudden..in the air appears:

"A map can be found in the Bell Tower!"

Haggis: ...

Gettle: muahahahaha! *grabs map and cuts through the bush and grabs the treasure*

Treasure: -----


What is the treasure? Could this be the perfect level? Will they ever get out of here? *lag kicks in* How.....did....Otter...get here? I'm runing out of ?! What will happen to the heros without >!!!

=-------------------------------------------=


In Real Life:

*GTW/LE is chained to the wall in the dark, evil dungeo-- er... in the basment of the Massassi Forums Building armed only with the powerful cleave and delete tool and wearing a loincloth. His test -> get out and make it back to the NeS thread building!*

*cutscene - camera zooms in on Gettle*
*mission impossible music starts*
Gettle: I must get out some how...(DUH!)
*cutscene ends*

*Gettle deletes the sectors that his hands are trapped in and he is suddenly free! he deletes the jaildoor and takes a quick whiz in the most popular toilet 3do (made by pengun).

He turns a corner and sees a worker at a computer. Gettle uses the butt end of his cleave tool to knock him out. He switches clothes with the man and deletes the body!

He walks along through the hallways deleting non-vital functions of the massassi forums such as random cgi scripts, the Asherons call forums, the spooky taco thread building, and other such things that would make NeS allpowerful!

By accident he deletes the link to the ISP, making the power go out and the NeS building(shack) disappear! o NO!

GTW/LE: Fuq.

Luckily, Gettle has his trusty keyboard and presses ctrl-Z(undo http://forums.massassi.net/html/biggrin.gif). The power comes back and the NeS building reappears. YAY

He finds himself...blah blahde blah he make it to the ground floor..yadeeyadeeya.. and... he meets brian there! The very one and only massassi god!

Gettle has a sudden urge to delete him but he notices the many laser turrets focused on him... so instead he deletes the code keys and .jed files in his pockets. Brian goes down the elevator....

Gettle quickly tries to delete the doors of the lobbey, but they are protected by some unknown force!! Alarms go off!*

Alarms: OFF! OFF!

Gettle: ...

Alarms: Bweeep! Bweeep!

Gettle: That's better

*He desperately cleaves the lobbey sector into many sectors, leaving the textures all unaligned and EWOKS pop up everywhere! and brian by chance comes back up because of the alarms*


Brian: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!! MY BEAUTIFUL FORUMS BUILDING!!! RUINED! AAAAAAAAAAAAGHHHHH YOU SHALL DIE!!!

Gettle: uh-oh

*music builds to climax!*

*Gettle makes a mad dash for a window and cleaves the surface in half, resetting the geo flags to 0 along resetting the defaults, allowing him to jump to safety!!! He crosses the adjoin and...*

*Appears back in the NeS building*

Gettle: wha?! what happened!!! *waves his pencil and erasor at GtW*

*everyone claps and cheers for gettle*

GtW: You passed the test!

Yay! Gettle has passed to test into Writerhood! But what will become of Jorbo, will he complete his test? what will happen!! All happening next...later...whenever someone posts again
------------------
<Rob> Sometimes I think the support dudes go and play netgames when they are helping you.

[This message has been edited by Gettleburger (edited November 06, 2001).]

[Gebohq]

(NSP: Hmm...seems we have Gettle, Haggis, Geb, Jorbo, and MZZT in search of the perfect level now. This should be interesting, considering Cooked is a SP buff too. Oh wait, and Otter too. Hmm...)

------------------
~Geb

[Semievil333]

(NSP: GTW/LE? /sigh. Leave this to the master of abv., STP. S has bn. pst. abv. scn. u. gd. was n. dprs. Well, let's see what we can do about this little conflict of 'g's shall we?

Gett the writer shall henceforth be known as *dramatic trumpet fanfaire*: GBGTW! And of course, seeing as how Jorbo shall soon be joining us, I'll leave one for 'im.

JorBo the writer shall henceforth be known as *dramatic trumpet fanfaire*: JOTW!

Ahh, yes, my work here is done. Abbriviate well good citizens, and fear not the long words, for Sem shall protect you!)

------------------
The early bird may get the worm-
but it's the second mouse who gets the cheeze.

Omnia quae specto dominavi, et tantam magnus sum, ut non specto!

[Antestarr]

*In an undisclosed place, at an undisclosed time, Poster Geb began work on his latest foray into making money for his religious crusade... His progress has come some way, but now, he is ready to move his plan into action. Sitting before his new computer, he is approached by a lacke... er... fellow NeStian.*

NeStian: Umm... most exalted one... what exactly are you... uh... doing? The guys haven't seen you for weeks now and many are slipping away from the daily devotional prayers...

Poster Geb: Ah, my lamb. I have come up with a new way to get both funding and more followers. Here is my new computer! It's a Repentium VII 98GHz system with more ram than Dodge motor company has alltogether. I have used it to create the latest in internet hypnotism... NeS the Comic! All who read it will be compelled to donate all their money to us, followed by coming on sacred pilgrimages to see me and kiss my feet. Soon, followers from all over the world will flock to me, and I, being the only NeStian leader this side of The Arena, shall soon have everyone under my control... I truly am a l337 haX0r.

*Oh NO! Poster Geb has been posessed by a l337 haX0r demon from the internet! Will his religion save him, or will he be forced to subjugate the world to poor spelling and unwitty computer jokes? Find out someday in the future... maybe after the illustrated version comes out and mesmerizes all of you! WOOOOOOO! CLONK Ow! Ok, I'll stop the ominous ghost noises... just keep reading, alright?*

[CookedHaggis]

Gettle: "Ummm..."

*Haggis comes rushing up, eyes lit up with "£" signs. He's British you see...*

Haggis: "So what is it? Gold? No...too cliched...precious stones? No...heavy... Wait! I've got it! A great, big, stonking..."

Gettle: "IOU..."

Haggis: "A fiver, yes, but there's more important things to worry about right...oh...I see....damn."

IOU

1 (one) massive chest of treasure,
signed

William Gates
Ruler of the world.


Gettle: "Damn."

Haggis: "What's that?"

*He points to a half-buried envelope, which has suddenly appeared for unknown reasons, which won't become clear later. It was probably caused by a hypothetical "plot hole", which can theoretically be created in the fabric of story-time, and are caused by large accumulations of incompetance and laziness on the writer's part. But there is most likely a much more logical solution that no one can be bothered working out right now...*

Gettle: "It's a set of instructions...."

Haggis: "What? Like "take twice daily to relive headaches, back pains and toothache?"

Gettle: "No....to find the perfect level..."

Haggis: "Go to TACC, click on "Jedi Knight Levels", then on "Imperial Siege on Derra IV"..."

Gettle: "What?!"

Haggis: "Well, I admit it's got a few flaws, but it's pretty damn close to perfect..."

Gettle: "But....but...it's Singleplayer....no frags, no scores, no skins..."

Haggis: "No lag, no cheats, no "1337"...."

[JorBo]

*JOTW sees many red dots all over his body*

JOTW: Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! I have the chicken pox!!!

Will JOTW's chicken pox ever heal? Will JorBo be stuck purgatory with Geb forever?
Tune in after JOTW's chicken pox heal to find out

[This message has been edited by JorBo (edited November 07, 2001).]

[Gebohq]

Within the "Purgatory" level, Geb wanders through the firey expanse of Hell.

Geb: Dang, this music is getting stuck in my head--it IS hell! *whips out his communicator--convineant, ain't it?* Hey, Jorbo, where are ya?

Jorbo: Er...I think I'm in heaven? It's not what I thought it'd be though. I stil have the chicken pox anyways.

Geb: No female supermodels feeding you grapes?

Jorbo: Er, no. It's a really big white castle, sitting on top of a flat plane of cheaply textured sky that I can walk on. How about you?

Geb: Oh, just wandering in hell.

Jorbo: Oooooh, what does THIS button do?...

Geb: Uh...

From the end of the thin walkway Gebohq was on, several sucessive concussion shots make hard contact with him.

Geb: Oooooow...

Jorbo: *audible drooling*

Geb: Hm. Must be the uncensored version.

After several moments, Gebohq manages to escape from Hell through an underwater passage.

Geb: YES! No more catchy thug music!

Gebohq is then squished as the platform lift from heaven comes down on him, with Jorbo on it.

Jorbo: Sure glad I'm not in heaven anymore--

Geb: M-hm-mm!

Jorbo: Where are ya Geb? I can't see...oh. Oops.

Jorbo then picks up Gebohq and fluffs him like a pillow, unflattening Gebohq back into his normal form.

Geb: Thanks. So, found an exit yet?

Jorbo: No, but I found a painfully hard maze that nearly drove me insane, and before that a camera that looked at an utterly useless lava-throne-thing, and before that, the flaoting platform thingies. You?

Geb: Nope, just the house, and an elevator to hell. I know of a mountain though--fun stuff. Wanna go there?

Jorbo: Is there anything else to do?

Geb: Want to go look at hell?

Jorbo: No.

Geb: Then no. Mountain it is then.

Jorbo: Mountain it is...

Gebohq and Jorbo trek through the lands of Purgatory, jumping from one floating platform to another, entering a room with an open roof, and using their grapple hooks to climb above, where they saw...

Geb: Mount Spork!

Jorbo: How do you know it's called that?

Geb: It said so! Didn't you hear it?

Jorbo: Nooo...

Geb: You didn't hear it say "Spork!"

Jorbo: I think you're confusing this place with something else.

Geb: Well, it should have said it. Last one on the top of the mountain is an inbred cousin of a red-headed midget hermaphrodite!

Jorbo: That was really specific.

Later, on the summit of Mt. Spork...

Geb: *sniff* But I don't want to be an inbred cousin!

Jorbo: Suck it up. So uh...what now?

Geb: Hook up with me, and I'll hook up with you.

Jorbo: Er...I don't swing that way.

Geb: Not that way! Use your grapple hook, and shot it at me, and I'll do the same at you.

Jorbo: Um, alright.

The two hook on to each other. Jorbo raises an eyebrow at Gebohq.

Geb: Hold on...

Using the Force, Geb leaps up in the air, and Jorbo follows. Gebohq then circles around Jorbo, and Jorbo around Gebohq, and soon, they re circling each other in midair.

Geb: Gotta love game physics.

Jorbo: Wheeee!

booming voice: HOW DARE YOU FOOL AROUND! YOU'RE SUPPOSE TO BE SEARCHING FOR THE PERFECT LEVEL!

A short fanfare of trumpets is heard on the words "perfect level".

Jorbo: Not you again.

booming voice: WHY AREN'T YOU LOOKING?

Geb: It'd help if we could search for other levels you know.

booming voice: THEN IT SHALL BE DONE! *clears throat* ENDGAME!

Geb: You forgot to hit "tab" after talk.

booming voice: HUSH YOU!

Moments later, Gebohq and Jorbo notice that they are on an island, in a hotel room, and written on the wall is "Galvatron wuz here--12/14/99".

Gebohq: ...I know kung-fu! Well, the Ninja Kage patch anyways...

Jorbo: STILL have the chicken pox. *sigh*

Who is the body behind the booming voice? Why does it wish for Jorbo and the others to seek the perfect level? Will Gebohq and Jorbo find CookedHaggis, Gettle, and theOtter? You want to know, don't you? Tune in next time, here on THE NEVRENDING STORY THREAD: Drazen the locked and upright position!

------------------
~Geb

[This message has been edited by Gebohq (edited November 09, 2001).]

[Janitor Bob]

*Meanwhile, on yet another unraveling plotline.*

*Janitor Bob is still in Mr. Kazinski’s office. But this time, he lies on a large wooden rack cruely tilted at a 45 degree. His legs are wrenched apart by iron manacles, his arms are held above his head by twisted barbwire.*

Janitor Bob: Uh… Mr. Kazinski.

*Mr. Kazinski looks up from sharpening his dagger.*

Janitor Bob: My ear itches. Can you scratch it for me?

Mr. Kazinski: The only thing I can scratch for you is both your eyes.

Janitor Bob: Naw, my eye isn’t itching right now. Care to scratch my back?

Mr. Kazinski: Not especially, no.

Janitor Bob: All my blood is rushing to my head.

Mr. Kazinski: You can imagine how much I care.

Janitor Bob: I’m bored.

Mr. Kazinski: You’re right. It’s about time to get on with it. *Mr. Kazinski leans over to his pager.*

Mr. Kazinski: Secretary? We are ready to begin the torturing.

Janitor Bob: WOAAAAAAAH! Wait-wait-wait-wait-wait. You can’t torture me… The Massassi Forums Building is still standing. And only a Janitor would be able to get close enough to do the job.

Mr. Kazinski: We’ve already established that you won’t blow up the building…

Janitor Bob: I might change my mind eventually…

Mr. Kazinski: … So we got somebody else to ‘do the job’

Janitor Bob: Tom Clancy?

Mr. Kazinski: Not by half. This person.

*Mr. Kazinksi lifts up a small handheld computer and shows a live streaming video.*

Janitor Bob: Uh… that’s me.
Mr. Kazinski: Not quite. It is an actor by the name of Tim Melville with a very good makeup job.

Janitor Bob: Oh… I thought I’d be played by some actor like Keannu Reeves, or Harrison Ford, or Tom Hanks, or Arnold Swartzenager.

Mr. Kazinski: They just didn’t fit your body type…

Janitor Bob: I mean, how much acting experience has this guy had? How many blockbuster movies has this guy been in.

Mr. Kazinski: He was George Washington in the play ‘February on trial’ in the third grade.

Janitor Bob: This just keeps getting worse and worse…

*A bookcase swivels around and in walks a very familiar looking Russian, along with an armed contingent big enough to invade Switzerland.*

Mr. Kazinski: Ah… The Last True Evil the Cruel and Unusual Torturer. What a pleasant surprise.

TLTETCAUT: Da. And to you, Mr. Kazinski.

Janitor Bob: Wait a minute! The Last True Evil is working for Mr. Kazinski!

TLTETCAUT: Not quite, Comrade Bob. Mr. Kazinski is working for ME!

Mr. Kazinski: Uh… no I’m not.

TLTETCAUT: Yes, you are. Remember!

Mr. Kazinski: What the heck are you talking about! You are my expert torturer.

TLTETCAUT: No… YOU are MY expert Crime Boss.

Janitor Bob: Are you two done arguing yet? Cause I really want to go home.

Mr. Kazinski: Right, right. Let’s get on with the tormenting.

* TLTETCAUT wheels his chair over to Bob’s rack and takes out a large car battery with two jumper cables attached to them*

TLTETCAUT: We’ll just attach these two wires to your…

Janitor Bob: EARS!

TLTETCAUT: Yes… ears.

Janitor Bob: I just want to go home. Is that all too much to ask.

*Suddenly, almost magically, a small brown bubble slips through a crack in the ceiling. As it floats towards our captured custodian it grows larger and larger. Finally, the bubble hits a tiki torch and bursts. The burst bubble reveals the NES fairy, but this time it is full sized and is wearing a large pink dress and a crown. It turns to Bob and speaks.*

NES fairy *in falsetto voice*: You’ve always had the power to go home, Bob. You just have to click your Janitorial Boots together twice, and say…

Janitor Bob: My feet are separated by 3 inches of raw iron!

NES fairy *Angry*: Okay, don’t thank me! I was just trying to help! See if I ever help you again… *grumble* ungrateful…

*The NES fairy walks over to a nearby corner and sits down and pouts.*

*A few electrifying hours later*

TLTETCAUT: Duct tape.

*Mr. Kazinski hands TLTETCAUT a roll of Duct Tape.*

TLTETCAUT: Tar.

*Mr. Kazinski hands TLTETCAUT a barrel of tar and a pillow case*

TLTETCAUT: Toothpaste.

*Mr. Kazinski hands TLTETCAUT a tube of crest.*

TLTETCAUT: Let’s start with the mud.

* TLTETCAUT reaches into a barrel and grabs a thick oozing mass of mud with his hands. He reaches it towards Bob’s spotless face. Bob wrenches back. Bob’s life flashes before his*

*Memories of laughter. Memories of sunshine. Memories of birthday parties and friends together. Of a time. An innocent time. Memories of receiving his very first squeegee and his first time using it. Washing cars to raise money for that pushbroom in the store window. The noon sun reflecting off a polished glass. The look of a spotless window. The feel of a shining toilet. The smell of Windex. The taste of Comet…*

*He was a Janitor, darn it! Once a Janitor, always a janitor. It was his calling, his talent, his gifting. He never should have strayed from it. Now he was regretting it. When it may be too late.*

*Bob opens his eyes and sees the mud 2 inches away from his face.*

Bob: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

*With a surge of sudden Testosterone, Bob wrenches up his feet, snapping the iron chains. He cuts the rope with his teeth, freeing his hands. Then he snaps the rack over his knee and knocks over the two criminals with each half*

*The NES fairy launches a pushbroom through the air towards Bob. Bob catches it.*

*The armed guards raise their guns but as they do, Janitor Bob leaps high into the air, spinning his pushbroom*

*Several bullets whiz through the air towards Bob. Instinctively and in mid-air, he whips out his metal dustpan. The bullets are deflected randomly around the room. Screams of a few guards can be heard. Stain Glass windows shatter. A stray bullet hits TLTETCAUT’s car battery; which explodes in a massive pyrotechnic display. The shockwave knocks over Mr. Kazinski’s chair, skattering the Tiki Torches. The Torches flames alight upon the rooms wood paneling.

*The armed guards look around in the confusion. Suddenly they find Janitor Bob in the middle of them. The next thing they see is a blur of pushbroom, and then blackness. A guard by a window raises his M-16 and aims…*

*Bob flings a spinning squeegee in his direction. The squeegee hits him in the stomach at full force. The impaled guard flies out the window, with the impact.*

*Bob pauses; seeing no more enemies in sight rushes over towards the Bookcase/door.*

*By this time the room is encircled in flame.*

*He grabs the bookcase and pulls.*

*Nothing happens*

*Mr. Kazinski gets up from under his desk. Wood chips litter his arms. His hair is on fire. His tongue lolls out and he staggers to his feet. He hatefully looks at Bob and pulls out a grenade.*

Mr. Kazinski: JANITOR… bob. *Cough* I’m afraid the door is locked. I’m afraid the last sight you’ll ever see is this room engulfed in my grenade’s explosion. I’m afraid you are going to die. Are you afraid?

Janitor Bob: Uh… kinda…
Mr. Kazinski: Take a good look around at your final resting place…

*Eager to oblige Mr. Kazinski, Janitor Bob eyes the room, the barred doors, toppled desk, flaming paneling, and… the glare of a shining window.*

Janitor Bob: A little bit of advice for you, Mr. Kazinski. *Bob eyes the window* In the future, if you’re an evil crime boss attempting to trap an innocent Janitor in a room with barred doors so you can kill yourself and him in a grenade explosion… *Bob gets into sprinter position*… always… remember… to bar the windows!

*Janitor Bob takes off towards the window, he shoots his pushbroom forward like a javelin. The small point of the pushbroom shatters the window and Janitor Bob dives through.*

*It was about when he was passing the 167th story out of 195 that Janitor Bob realized his mistake*

*Several minutes later*

Mr. Kazinski: Where’s the splattering crunch of bones! I don’t hear the splattering crunch of bones! There’s supposed to be a splattering crunch of bones!

*Janitor Bob hangs from the side of the building at the 93rd floor, his plunger stuck to the brick wall. The cold wind licks at his face. A seagull perches on his head.*

[/I]Darn you, Bob the Writer! Darn you! You just HAAAAD to end the post on a ‘cliffhanger’ Or was it just that you didn’t know what else to write? How long will Bob hang from his plunger? What will happen to Mr. Kazinski? Will he be flamebroiled, well done, or simply left Medium Rare? Find out soon on the Neverending Story: Fulfilling your Posting Needs since 1902.[/I]



------------------
May the Windex be with you
-Janitor Jack (Salk Wars)

[Michael MacFarlane]

Mike: (waking up) Where am I?

[Phantom_Master]

(NSP: Thanks MZZT for keeping PM alive.)

*Moments after being interviewed by CNN, NBC, FOX reporters and Police investigators, PM received a call on his ultra-high-tech spy communicator watch.)

Agent Dipatcher: "Agent PM, we have a code 065355 in Toyko, Japan. You are to assit our field agents immediatley in eliminating the threat. Good luck Agent PM."

PM: "Affrimative Dispatch, Im on my way."

With that, PM hopped onto his motorcycle that was parked nearby and sped off towards the nearest airport. Using his watch, he read his mission briefing while goin down the highway. A giant hamster/man hybrid was on the loose, terrorizing the city. Casualties were on the rise, and the damage was already in the trillions.

Apparently, a Mcdonald's employee, a man in a ski mask and a recently employed writer for the NeS had tried to attack the creature.

PM: "Crap, that thing is huge! How the heck am I gonna kill that huge thing? Intel, do you have any suggestions for destroying that thing?"

Dispatch: "Intel reports that if the creature is not destroyed in exactly 82 hours, the creature's wieght will surpass that of the Earth's, and the Earth will plummet into the sun, destroying both the creature and the Earth. Intel suggests that you use every single weapon available to you. The entire world is depending on you Agent PM, good luck."

Will PM find out a way to stop the Hamster Man monster in time? Tune in next time to find out the fate of the world!

------------------
I am the Shadow...

[The Last True Evil]

*Bob hangs from his plunger for about 3 hours, seagulls flying around him like he is some pagan god. Just as his arms are numb to the point that he has no control over them, the window above him slides open, and TLTECAUT pokes his head out. A chainsaw is in his left hand, and a blowtorch in the other.*

TLTECAUT: Privet, Bob. What's that American saying..."How they hangin'"?

*This sends TLTECAUT into a wild frenzy of hysterical laughter. Bob waits patiently, wondering when he'll shut up. Eventually, he does.*

TLTECAUT: Well, I guess I'll just be killing you NERRRRRRRRRGH!

*The Russian torturer moans and convulses, temporarily ducking out of Bob's point of view. When he reappears, his eyes glow bright red.*

Bob: My God...you're a ROBOT!

TLTE/Darkside: Wrong, janitor-man. I'm Darkside. I've come to eliminate you and your NeS band so you cannot stop me from overtaking Switzerland and stealing all its monetary supplies...

Bob: That's brilliant! And...with every TLTE in the world at your evil command...you'd be unstoppable!

TLTE/Darkside: Thank God you picked up quickly. I sense I'm going to have to go over the concept several times with your less intelligent writers...

*In one swift motion, the possessed Russian keys his chainsaw, but Bob is already moving. He grabs TLTE/Darkside by the chest and pulls him over the edge. Both of them tumble earthward, but Bob grabs the chainsaw and drives it into the wall, creating a violent spark-trail as he shudders down the side. It works, and he is able to slow himself down to a crawl by the time he reaches the ground.*

Bob: Thank my janitorial intuition for that little chestnut...

*Cautiously, he strides over to TLTE/Darkside's broken, shuddering form. Suddenly, a ghostly, almost transparent form shrieks out of the body.*

Ghost Darkside: Curse you, Janitor Bob! You've destroyed my body, but don't worry; I literally have millions more!

*He screeches in laughter, and glides soundlessly through the building, out of Bob's view. Slowly, Bob approaches TLTECAUT.*

TLTECAUT: Bobbbbbbb...*cough cough*

Bob: Rest easy, comrade. You've done all you could.

TLTECAUT: Bob....wait! *Wheeze* TLTETH...and TLTETW...*Choke*...Immune to Darkside's...luuuure....

Bob: Really? We'll need their help...where are they?

TLTECAUT: Waiting...for you...at the....Perfect...L......L....

Bob: Perfect what??

TLTECAUT: Waiting for you at...the Perfect Levelllll....

*He dies, dramatically. Dramatic music plays as Bob dramatically wipes a tear from his eye and dramatically stares out at the sunset.*

Bob: I'd better get cracking and find the Perfect Level, and the rest of the gang...it's looking to be a huge brouhaha in Switzerland!

--------------MEANWHILE-----------------

*Outside the sparkling golden gates of the Perfect Level, TLTETW lights a cigar. TLTETH paces up and down impatiently.*

TLTETH: Can't we just take a peek?

TLTETW: No.

*More repressive silence.*

TLTETH: Come onnnnnn.....

TLTETW: No.

TLTETH: Why not?

TLTETW: Look, we're not meant to. We're not even meant to meet in person; I should write your stories, and you should be in them. These are exceptional circumstances.

TLTETH: Oh yeah? How's that?

TLTETW: We have to get the NeS gang together, march into war-torn Switzerland-

TLTETH: Hang on, war-torn Switzerland?

TLTETW: Trust me, by the time we get there, it'll be Armaggeddon. Anyway, we march into war-torn Switzerland, find OLTE's Palace of Doom, and kill him.

TLTETH: Kill OLTE? Our benefactor? Our original?

TLTETW: Drastic measures, I know...but the alternative is unthinkable.

TLTETH: Aww, come on...us alone could beat this darkside fellow...

TLTETW: No way, jose. We need the NeS crew. And that's why we're waiting right here. So sit down and shut up.

*Pouting furiously, TLTETH sits down and waits...*

(Oh yeah, by the way, TLTE's appearance... of course, each clone is a bit different, in whatever way, but they all follow the same basic build; about 6'1, blue eyes, blondy-brown hair, proud features and a penchant for black clothes and capes. I might get a picture up sometime, but until then, arriverdeci.)

[Antestarr]

*Antestarr stands by his pay phone occasionally glancing nervously at his watch.*

Ante: Now, where is that rental... it was supposed to be delivered to me... maybe I should have stuck with Enterprise.

*Just then his "rental" strolls up.*

Rental: GROOOOAAAR!

Ante: Ah, just in time. I've been waiting.

Rental Delivery Woman: I am velly solly. I no spreak good Engrish and no find way here good. Godrirra have hard time rately. No money from movies. Need part-time job to make end meet.

Ante: It's quite alright... everyone's had hard times since the whole "internet stocks" thing. I'll take him from here.

*Ante mounts up on his newly acquired Rent-a-Zilla.*

Ante: Okay, boy. Take it easy. See that big furry thing tearing up Tokyo? He's in your territory. This is your town to tear up. Let's go eat him. *Yelling to men at the sides of the street* OKAY! Get those camera's rolling! We're gonna make a fortune off of this one!

*And so, the stage is set for yet another titanic battle. Does Godzilla stand a chance against a radioactive Hamster-Man of Microsoft? Can Ante hope to succeed with a tried-and-true method of Japanese destruction where others with more "modern" methods have failed? Find out, when next someone seeks to further this section of the plot...*

[This message has been edited by Antestarr (edited November 12, 2001).]

[Gebohq]

(NSP: I ask that you all (the writers) wait for me to put up a post of mine before continuing (cuz I know there are so many of you that want to post--those that have been posting don't count http://forums.massassi.net/html/wink.gif). I'm hoping to post a big obligitory straighten-out-things-in-a-way post, one that will be easy to figure out what everyone is doing and such (I need to know anyways, even if you guys know). And DANG Mick, you haven't posted since like page 24--go catch up http://forums.massassi.net/html/smile.gif Or just wait until my post and hope you get the general idea to jump back in...

And at some point, unless someone else would be kind enough to do it in a later post, I'll have to wait on posting for the perfect level sub-plot until I re-download Drazen and research what the Ninja Kage patch can do in it...)

[Gettleburger]

(NSP: Geb, I can do it, but you can do it if you want to ruin all my fun http://forums.massassi.net/html/smile.gif

[Gebohq]

NSP: Gettle, if you're referring to the perfect level sidequest bit, by all means, go ahead! If it's about the obligitory long-straighten-everything-out post, I'm afraid I'm being a little possessive on that, and flexing my unofficial influence as "leader" of NeS. Course, there could also be a nice little riot to ensue from such a claim...I'll try to get my post up before Sunday, so just hang in there. If anyone has something they wanted to add though, e-mail it to me at gebohq@hotmail.com and I'll work it in http://forums.massassi.net/html/smile.gif

And of course, if anybody really DOES have a problem with it, I suppose I could just give THEM what I had in mind (cliffnotes style) and hope they use 'em.

------------------
~Geb

[This message has been edited by Gebohq (edited November 13, 2001).]

[Janitor Bob]

(Geb said I could post this)

*As the deadly din of diabolical destruction occurs outside, Mr. John T. Updike, Attorney at Law, pleads a delicate point with His Honor Dwayne Ketchkoff, who is currently asleep.*

Mr. Updike: Your honor, I’d like to renew my request for a change in venue. I do not see how the Jury can reach an Unbiased decision when a colossal vertebrate is wrenching, slashing, and crushing his way through this city of Tokyo. And you just know that this ‘alleged’ Hamster Man is siding with the Defense on this one.

*Krig jumps to his feet, then jumps on top of the table so he can be seen*

Krig: Krig object! Unverified accusation backed by ad hominem attack.

His Honor: Zzzzzzz… sustained… zzzzzzzz…

Mr. Updike: I mean look at them… they share the excess of body hair, a malodorous smell, limited intelligence, and a certain obliviousness when it comes to the brushing of the teeth. They are practically soul mates!

Krig: Krig Small. Hamster Man big. Krig Viking. Hamster Man Hamster. Krig have doctoral certification in field of mastication of inedible objects. Hamster Man doesn’t. Krig no like Hamster Man. Hamster Man doesn’t have fun easy-going personality.

*There is a small scraping sound at the roof.*

*A mime anxiously tries to get the courtrooms attention. He points upwards, and acts as if he were eating small pellets and running on an invisible treadmill*

*Then the entire courtroom ceiling collapses as a massive clawed hand sweeps through the courtroom, spraying bricks, mortar, and mimes.*

*Hamster man smiles at courtroom.*

*The he looks at Krig*

Hamster Man: What do you MEAN I don’t have a fun easy-going personality!

Mr. Updike: At this point this conversation has been rendered academic.

His Honor: zzzz… call for a recess… zzzz…

Kirg: YAAA! Recess!
------------------------

* Otter and Maybe stand in the middle of a street while crazed panicked pedestrians and speeding cars swerve around them.*
Otter: C’mon Maybe. You’ve gotta believe me. I’m like… this close to proving it. There is a Hamster Man, and he DOES exist, and he IS out for blood.

Maybe: Riiiiight. Okay, at first it was a little funny. Now it’s just plain annoying. You can’t trick me… trap me…

*In a display of disgusting irony Hamster Man sneaks up behind Maybe.*

Otter: Uh… maybe.

Maybe: … deceive me. Common scientific knowledge dictates that a Hamster as large as the one is that you claim can not… has not… is not… and will not exist!

*Hamster Man taps Maybe on her shoulder.*

Maybe: *To Hamster Man* Do you mind? I’m trying to give a reprimand to Mr. Otter here.

*Hamster man lets out a menacing growl, and wraps his green furry fingers around Maybe. He lifts her high in the air. Maybe has a rather perturbed expression on her face.*

Otter *Singing and Dancing*: I was right and you were wrong! I was right and you were wrong

Random Audience Member: Hey! Wait a minute! I thought Otter was searching for the ultimate level! Why is he in Tokyo?

*Hamster man snarls, and reaches through the screen with his free hand. He grabs the screaming audience member, tosses him up into the air, and catches him between his snapping teeth.*

*The camera turns away, and the remaining audience hears only the bloodcurling screams of the heckling audience member*

Random Audience Member: Ouch! This is hurting really bad!

*Maybe turns and looks up at Hamster Mans damaged eyes defiantly. As is dawns upon her that she isn’t getting immediately eating a realization sets in.*

Maybe *spitefully*: Oh. I get it! I’m supposed to be the poor innocent dame who gets captured by the mean powerful monster! I’m supposed to act scared, maybe faint a little. But do you no what! I’m not gunna go along with it. I’m tired of you Male Chauvinist Pigs running the world!

*Hamster Man spits, covering maybe in a light green film.*

Maybe *Wiping the ‘film’ off of her arms disgustedly*: Yep. Definitely male.

*Suddenly, in the hubbub of all the people running away, a lone man seems to be running towards the hamster. He is clad in a tight black suit with abdominal muscles drawn on it. Ammunition and large guns, cover him.*

Phantom Master: Don’t worry, fair maiden! I’ll save you!

Maybe: *groan*

*Phantom Master rolls needlessly on the sidewalk, ducks behind a parking meter and pulls out two shining Uzis. Pausing only to put on sunglasses he unleashes rounds and rounds of ammunition into Hamster Man’s chest*

Hamster Man: Hehee. Little man in black suit tickle Hamster Man!

*Seconds later, an infuriated Krig runs up to Hamster Man swinging a chipped axe.*

Krig: That how Krig talk. Laywer Krig sue for Copyright infringement.

*With all his might Krig brings down his axe on Hamster Man’s toe.*

Hamster Man: Heehee! Now little viking man give Hamster Man pedicure!

Maybe: Call me pessimistic, but I think you’ll need a little bigger man to defeat a brute like this.

*On perfect cue. A stereotypical Japanese citizens stops fleeing and points in the distance*

Japanese Citizen: Ohiogozimous Sakurahiroshima Seyoneratamagatachi Chowmeinsweetandsourchicken Hiya Hebeedee Goodsila!

Subtitles: Look! Godzilla!

*A long green tail whips around a random skyscraper toppling it. As it topples a green reptilian monster is revealed. It is every bit as intimidating and destructive as the original Godzilla- clawed feet, menacing teeth, dry skin, spiked back- except this one has the words RENT-A-ZILLA 1800-KILL-CITY painted crudely in large red letters on it.*

*Ante rides on a saddle perched on the top of one of Rent-a-zilla’s spikes. He waves a cowboy hat.*

Ante: YEEEEEEHAAAAAW!

*The fleeing civilians stop fleeing, and start betting on the outcome of this match.*
*A western showdown theme starts playing.*

*A tumbleweed rolls across the street.*

Rent-a-zilla: This town ain’t big enough fer the two of us…

Hamster Man: Step closer an’ the girl gets it!

Rent-a-zilla: Not this time, ya yella bellied gerbil. Ah’ve seen too many towns torn up ‘cuz ‘a you. Ya kill the girl and ya’ll never see the light ‘a day.

Hamster Man: I’m not playin’ around this time, Rent. I’m bigger now… and I’ve got claws and know how to use them.

Rent-a-zilla: Ah’m gunna give you 10 seconds, and yer gunna draw.

Hamster Man: C’mon man!

Rent-a-zilla: I said draw!

Hamster Man: But!

Rent-a-zilla: DRAW!

*High Noon in Tokyo. Two monsters face eachother. Revenge. Bitterness. It’s all there. Only one will survive? Who will it be? Only… time… can tell… next time: The Neverending Story: How the East was Won.*


------------------
May the Windex be with you
-Janitor Jack (Salk Wars)

[Gebohq]

(NSP: Ah screw it. It's going to be a while before I can post. You all feel free to post on ~I'll just try do my post when I can http://forums.massassi.net/html/smile.gif)

B.U.M.P.

(Can't post without one of those, can I? http://forums.massassi.net/html/smile.gif)

------------------
~Geb

P.S. Mick, you character really hasn't done anything since everyone was searching for a job. So just jump in wherever, hopefully you've at least skimmed what you've missed, and at some point please describe what your character looks like (for reference). Thanks!

[This message has been edited by Gebohq (edited November 15, 2001).]

[Semievil333]

Sensing his connection to the NES is becomming to weak to maintain, Sem opts to delve dangerously close to breaking his pledge of not incorporationg too much Everquest or Tribes, and conjures himself into existance at Hampster Man's feet.

In only the third occurence since the beginning of the NES, Sem rears to his full height, sinews and bones cracking and snapping, and lets out a mighty full force roar that can be heard all the way back in..... the anvil identity-protected city.

Hampster man turns to face this new menace, but alas it is allready too late-

Yes, in the minute it takes the giant rodent to recover and realize that Sem's full height is only a half foot above his toenail, and now that he is out of breath, incapable of any serious threat, (insert name of every other hero in Tokyo) siezes the oppourtunity to attack. Under the strain of this assault, Hampster Man falters and falls gratuitously on as many buildings as possible, including a power generator.

Hampster Man: "Oh! Ow! Oh! Pins and needles! Ow!"

Suddenly the mutant rodent grows 5x over and turns to face it's assailants.

This is about the kind of time that would be really great for a nice big slice of rhubarb pie! Yes, when things are looking down and you don't think you can take it anymore, just grab yourself a nice big slice of Bebop'nRebopin Rhubarb Pie and dig right in, yes eat it straight out of the box if you have to!

*narrator begins to sing and dance*

Oh, momma's little baby loves rhubarb-rhubarb, Bebop'nRebopin Rhubarb pie! Serve it up! Nice and hot! Maybe things aren't as bad as you thought! Ohh, momma's little baby loves rhubarb-rhubarb, Bebop'nRebopin Rhubarb pie! Bebop'nRebopin Rhubarb pie!

------------------
The early bird may get the worm-
but it's the second mouse who gets the cheeze.

Omnia quae specto dominavi, et tantam magnus sum, ut non specto!

[Losien]

NON STORY POST!
*Peeks in...looks around, tip-toes to the kitchen to sneak some cheese.* Alarm:BUZZZZ! BUZZZZZ!
Losien: Gosh Darnit! I was caught!
Geb: (w/ a Flashlight) What are you doing here?
Losien: Getting a midnight snack?
Geb: Under what conditions?
Losien: Rainy, chance of thunderstorms..45 degrees...25mph winds..
Geb: Ok, Ok...that's enough. Where have you been hiding?
Losien: Well...we were playing hide-and-go-seek..weren't we? You...you never found me.
Geb: You've gotta be kidding!
Losien: Nope...I'm not kidding (very serious) I stayed in the same place the whole time. I was under your bed! I can't believe you couldn't find me!
Geb: The thing is, I wasn't looking..
Losien: You weren't looking in your room? Why not? That's where ALL the good hiding spaces are!
Geb: *sigh* Figures. So anyways...what have you been up to/
Losien: After scoping out all the neat stuff under your bed..by the way...did you know you have really neat shoes under there? Well..I've just been hanging out. Busy with..well...being busy. You know how it is.
Geb: Oh, of course..I know what you mean. So...it's good to have you back.
Losien: What do you mean? I've been here all along...you just couldn't find me.
Geb: Well...I found you now. You don't have to hide anymore.
Losien: That's a relief! Well, now what should we do?
GEB: Anything but hide-and-seek!
Losien: I can live w/ that!

Well...I know it's been FOREVER (yes...really..FOREVER) since I've written here. My old computer was ghetto...and I was just always busy and I didn't want to deal with it. Good news..partially! WE have a new computer...and it's much faster. What does that mean? Losien might be back in the story...off and on...periodically! Isn't that great?! Ok..you don't have to answer that! Well..ok, I gotta go for now though...but...hopefully I'll be back really soon! Adios Amigos!)


------------------
When life hands you lemons, squeeze the juice into a squirtgun and shoot other people in the eyes.

[Losien]

NON-STORY POST!
*Belated clapping for Geb's post asking that we all clap!*

*clap, clap, clap..clap...clap*

Losien: Owww! My hands hurt.

*clap, clap, clap, clap*

Losien: OK, OK...that's enough!

--------------------------------------------
STORY POST! (Stupid...but still, it's a post!)

Losien: (back at work) I...I just don't understand!

Makeup Artist: Honey...it's going to be OK.

Losien: But..I, I thought things were going to work out between us.

Makeup Artist: Woah..what? What are you talking about?

Losien: Joe...the guy who brought me the gift the other day.

Makeup Artist: Oh...that guy. So...what did he get you? Was it what you ALWAYS wanted?

Losien: No. See...that's the whole problem! He KNEW how much I wanted that Curious George clock..and I thought that was what it was...but...the box was too big! *sobbing*

Makeup Artist: Stop that! You're mascara is running now!

Losien: I.,..just can't help it. I think I'm going to have a nervous breakdown! I need CHEESE!

Makeup Artist: No, no. We can't go around eating cheese all the time. It's too risky. We don't want you to be replaced by a non-cheese-eating model...now, do we?

Losien: *sobs* No..but...but....*mumbles* I'll just get cheese after work.

Makeup Artist: What did you say?

Losien: Umm...I'll just get a soft-serve freeze after work...non-fat and sugar-free...of coruse.

Makeup Arrist: OK...I suppose that will do.

Door: *Boom boom chick, bu doom bu doom chick*

*As non-as-romantic-as-last-time-music builds, the door swings open and reveals..(Get ready for a not-as-big-as-last-time surprise)*

Character: Losien!

*Losien swings around in her barbers chair, knocking over the makeup table. The lights dim..(slightly) and two spotlights shine upon the characters. Losien's eyes begin to water, as she sees who came for her*

Losien: Joe..

Joe: Losien. I...I gave you the wrong gift yesterday. The other one was for my grandma. I'm...I'm sorry.

*Joe hands Losien a smaller package, this time..it's wrapped in comics from the sunday newspaper. Losien hugs him tightly*

Losien: Thank you Joe! I knew you wouldn't let me down. I knew you'd get me that clock I've always wanted!

Joe: (Puzzled) Oh yes...uhh...sweetie. That's what it is. Now...don't open it until you get to the Massassi Forums building, OK?

Losien: But...I want you to see my face when I open it!

Joe: I can't..I can't do that.

Losien: Why not?

Joe: Well...because I have to spend time with my grandmother because I didn't get that last present to her.

Losien: Oh...can I come?

Makeup Artist: (Clears her throat) We have work to be done...young lady. Or..it's non-cheese-eating model replacer for you.

Losien: *sigh* All-right.

Joe: Oh, thought you'd want this back. (Hands her the prosthetic zit) Bye. (runs out of the store)

Losien: Thanks a lot. I almost had him.

Makeup Artist: What do you want to do w./ him anyways? He just wants you for your looks.

Losien: You don't know that for sure!

Makeup Artist: Of course I do. With a makeup artist like me...everyone will want you for your looks.

Losien: *sobbing* but...I don't want people to like me for my looks.

Makeup Artist: Stale cookies! You have to live with it....and stop crying! Your mascara is running again.

Losien: Cheese and crackers!

Makeup Artist: What?

Losien: I said geez..this is whackers! I know. I have an idea. I'm going to prove to you that not everyone likes me for my looks...and then (in a deep voice) I'll be the one laughing.

Makeup Artist: Deal...and if you lose...you have to get me a date with that Joe guy.

Losien: What?

Makeup Artist: If you lose...only if you lose.

Losien: But..

Makeup Artist: No "buts"...if I were you, I'd get to work.

*Losien walks out of Toys 'R' Us onto the sidewalk and stands in front of the doors. A young guy walks by. Losien approaches him*

Losien: Hi...my name's Losien. What's yours?

Guy: Name is Chad. Nice to meet..

Losien: Oh hi. Chad...do you like me because of my looks?

Chad: Well...actually...

Losien: You don't? Oh that's great!

Chad: I was going to say I was too nervous to approach you because you're so beautiful.

Losien: Arrrgg. Nevermind.

*Losien walks away. Chad looks at her strangely before entering the store. Another guy walks towards the store.*

Losien:*to herself* maybe I shouldn't be so forward about it. *to the guy* Umm,...hi there.

Guy: Oh...hello.

Losien: How are you?

Guy: Good, and you?

Losien: Pretty good.

Guy: Umm...OK. (continues walking)

Losien: Well...what's wrong? Don't you like me?

Guy: Well...you're not really my type...that's all I can say.

Losien: Not your type, as in...you don't like my for my looks?

Guy: Umm..yeah. I'm not particularly fond of your looks. Why?

Losien: *grabs him by the arm* Come with me.

*Losien and the Guy walk in the store and find the Makeup Artist*

Losien: Here. I found one!

Guy: What...what are you doing?

Losien: This guy doesn't like my for my looks.

Makeup Artist: (looking at the Guy)Is that so?

Guy: Well...uhh..yes.

Losien: Well...see?!

Makeup Artist: How can you not like her because of her looks? She beautiful. I mean...any guy that doesn't like her for her looks must be...*gasps* Oh my god, you're GAY!

Losien: Is that true?

Guy: Well...actually. (looks at the ground and mumbles) yes.

Makeup Artist: Ha. You have to find someone that isn't gay that doesn't like you because of your looks!

Losien: But..that's not fair! We didn't say that when we shook on it! I win. You lose!

(IN the middle of their argument, the Guy leaves the store)

Makeup Artist: Oh...it's alright. While you were gone...Joe and I talked about when we can get together. So...it's OK.

Losien: Arrrggg. I hate this. Where's the phone?

Makeup Artist: Over there.

Losien: Where?

Makeup Artist: OVER THERE. (this time..pointing to Losien's gift from Joe..where the phone is)

Losien: *dials Mick#. Ring, Ring, Ring*

Mick: Hey-lo?

Losien: Mick. It's me.

Mick: Losien? Where are you? What..

Losien: I'm at work. I get off in 10 min. Is there any way we can meet? I need to talk to you.

Mick: Umm...sure. Where ya wanna meet?

Losien: Anywhere.

Mick: Burger King?

Losien: Sure...Have it your way.

Mick: Alright. Meet ya there.

*click*

(Losien picks up her gift..then leaves in a hurry)

(AT BURGER KING)

Losien: Hey there.

Mick: What's up? I haven't seen you in forever!

Losien: I'm having guy problems. The Makeup Artist keeps telling me that guys only like me because of my looks..and..

Mick: What can I say? I'd have to agree. I've always thought you were beautiful.

Losien: Mick! *Sigh* And...Joe...you know..Joe the sound guy. He...I don't know. He's changed. He got me this present though..and...I don't know. Then he just left. It's...it's really weird.

Mick: *Picks up the present...examines it...hears that it's ticking* Oh my gosh! Losien. It's a bomb. Couldn't you hear the ticking?*He throws it in the nearest trash can*

Losien: Mick! It wasn't a bomb. It was a curious george clock I've always wanted...and now...you broke it!

Mick: Trust me. It was a bomb. I know things like this.

Losien: *sigh* Of course you do.

*Losien gets up and leaves. Mick follows her*

Mick: Come on. I just wanted to save your life. That's all.

Losien: Uh-huh. Sure.

Mick: well...it's true.

( Was it a bomb...or was it the Curious George clock Losien always wanted? We'll find out..next time..when...a Burger King employee empties the trash. DO Burger King employees empty the trash...or do people dig through it? Hmm...

(NSP: Sorry this is so long..and well...boring. A post is a post...right? Right.)


------------------
When life hands you lemons, squeeze the juice into a squirtgun and shoot other people in the eyes.

[This message has been edited by Losien (edited November 17, 2001).]

[Gebohq]

NSP: I need to know the following e-mail addresses, as they are either not listed or are incorrect from what I got from what Massassi told me:

JorBo
Phantom Master
Michael McFarlene

Please send your e-mails to my own at gebohq@hotmail.com so I can keep you all updated on any NeS stuff. If it is a problem, please say so. Thanks again.)

B.U.M.--

Dangit, what do you mean "I can't afford for another B.U.M.P.? It's NeS! There's practically no limit to the number I can use for it! Oh fine, have it your way! Sorry folks, you'll have to wait for a real post later, at least from writer Geb here. Until next time!

------------------
~Geb

[Losien]

NON-STORY POST!
*Peeks in to see that....NO ONE HAS POSTED besides Geb. Hmm...maybe I scared everyone away. It's weird...because right now, I have so much time...and I feel like writing soooo much. But..I'm not going to. I'll just wait. LOL*

------------------
When life hands you lemons, squeeze the juice into a squirtgun and shoot other people in the eyes.

[Randy]

<Meanwhile (NSP count: 745) far , far away...>

<Randy opens his eyes to find himself in a bright room. Whincing at the intensity of the lights he tries to get up...>

Randy: Owww.. What happened? I can't move.

<Just then a soft voice speaks from his left.>

Woman: Shhhh... you should rest.

Randy: What happened? Who are you? Where am I?

Woman: From what oue agents could determine, you appeared to be walking aimlessly claping you hands when you were struck by a van (and several other vehicles). You were also apparently followed by men in a van labled 'U' 'G' 'O'. Our agents made short work of them. Finally we brought you here to heal.

Randy: Wait, you were following me!!

<Randy tries to leap to his feet but finds his strength leaving him...>

Randy: Ohhhhhhhh..h..h....h......

<Randy collapses back into unconciousness>

< NES: Whoa, have I been gone for a while. Sorry guys and gals, but my studies required more from me than I previously estimated. ^^; But I think I'm making a come back(hopefully). Continue posting, just don't post anything related to this post...I'm trying to build something. Thanks, the Management>

[Michael MacFarlane]

I have no idea why my listed address would be incorect.

Or is it not listed?

mikemac71@hotmail.com

[Michael MacFarlane]

My account was temporarily disabled due to lack of use. It's re-activated, so go ahead and try me again.

[Michael MacFarlane]

(Writer Comment: This is a getting-back-into-the-swing-of-things post. Enjoy.)

(As Michael and Losien turn the corner, they hear a deafening explosion.)

Michael: (slaps self) Blast it! You were right, Losien. It was a clock.

Losien: What!?

Michael: That package. It was your Curious George clock.

Losien: I heard what you said, I just don't believe you said it.

Michael: No, I'm not like a lot of other people. I can admit it when I'm wrong. Just think, four years on the bomb squad, and I can't even... (begins muttering unintelligibly)

(Losien shakes her head sadly.)

Will Michael ever see a doctor about his rather serious personality disorder? Find out next time, on the Neverending Story Thread!

[JorBo]

jorbo@df-21.net should work.

[Phantom_Master]

My email address is phntm_j_maul@yahoo.com


------------------
I am the Shadow...

[Gettleburger]

(nsp: sorry i havnt posted in awhile, Galactic Battlegrounds came out and I'm kinda into it, so forgive my lack of activity)

B.U.M.P

Benevolent
Upward
Mobility
Post!!

[Randy]

<Once again, Randy awakens from the void...>

Randy: Ohhhh.... Owww...

Woman: Now will you listen to me when I say rest. Honestly, you men...

Randy: What happened?

Woman: Well, I've already explained most of it but you tried to get up yet you passed out and crashed into the floor.

Randy: Where am I?

Woman: In a secure location deep under Tokyo.

Randy: Tokyo? I remember I had just been turned down for a job and the next thing I remember is the van and...now I'm here. Next question, who are you.

Woman: My name is Kitako Hoshikawa. I'm an agent with the Phoenix group.

Randy: Phoenix group?

Kita: Yes, I cannot disclose anymore.

Randy: Why did you bring me here?

Kita: I want you to see this.

<Kita clicks on a video monitor. It shows Godzilla fighting a large Hamster...>

Randy: Hey isn't this the episode where...

Kita: <sigh> No, this is a live feed from the surface.

Randy: Then that means...wait, hold it!! Zoom in there!

Kita: Computer, enhance grid 634, 128.

<The feed zooms to the back of the large lizard revealing Antestarr in cowboy threads riding atop the mammoth beast...>

Randy: Ante??? What tha??

Kita: You know him?

Randy: Yeah...kinda, he's one of my traveling companions. Don't worry, he doesn't bite.

Kita: I'm not worryed about him...I'm worryed about the fate of Tokyo.

Randy: But...doesn't Tokyo just pop back up after the monster leaves??

Kita: <grrrr...>

Randy: Opps...did I say that out loud?

[Gebohq]

(NSP: Just a bitty-bit to post for now. And to boot--yay! Randy returned!)

Galvatron looked up and over the skyscraper-backdrop of Tokyo, to see Godzilla and Hampster Man swaying and waddling like cheap blow-up punching dolls.

Galv: Hmm...as first action of the new leader of the heroes of NeS, I shall...go get some ice-cream--

*ahem*

Galv: What?

Don't you mean "Go save the world from imminent disaster"?

Galv: Um, no--

That was a rhetorical question you lunkhead.

Galv: Oh poo gas. So I'll go walk up to the monster and ask it real nicely to stop, THEN get ice-cream?

Try again.

Galv: But that takes so much effort! Alright, so I'll use a plot hole to eat the moster whole and--

*cough*dragonform*cough*boostratings*coughHACKcoug h*

Galv: Alright! I can take a hint! Sheesh...

With the supercolossal powers of NeS...and good mecahnical construction and matinence, Galvatron turns into a giant dragon! A sideways view of Tokyo is displayed as Godzilla, Hampster Man, and Galvatron jump on buildings and eat people. Oddly enough, themusic to the game "Rampage" can be heard...

[This message has been edited by Gebohq (edited November 28, 2001).]

[Krig the Viking]

(NSP: Just so's you all know, the reason Galvy can turn into a dragon is that he's a Transformer. Robot in Disguise. I say this because a bunch of random transformations of heroes for no reason would get old real fast. We've got to maintain *some* semblence of continuity, if not plot. http://forums.massassi.net/html/wink.gif )

------------------
When the blind leadeth the blind.... get out of the way!

[Gebohq]

(NSP: Krig's right. Besides, the heroes already did that on pages 10-20 just about http://forums.massassi.net/html/wink.gif Note that ANte has brought up to me though, that I honestly forgot since page 1: Geb CAN technically appear as anything he touches. Whether we want to keep that fact is something else to debate... http://forums.massassi.net/html/smile.gif)

------------------
~Geb

[JorBo]

B.U.M.P.
(I'm still here, I've been busy http://forums.massassi.net/html/smile.gif)

[Gebohq]

Suddenly, the stocks in B.U.M.P. incoorperated begin to skyrocket...

[CookedHaggis]

The thread's Needing Upward Direction, Getting Embarrassing all this BUMPing...

[SiMoN]

In the background, the rising sound of bagpipes came from beyond the hills.....

It was a......Scotsman on a horse....the horror.

"Whit dae ya be wantin laddy?"

Galv: Fear me not old man, for i have come not to mingle with your kind, but to continue my quest for justice.

"Dae ye be English?"

Galv: Alas, do not worry old man, i am but Scandanavian. I fear i am becoming weary on my travels, and i demand some of your finest porridge.

"Come right in laddy, Bettys got some on the stove"

Galv: Mmm, porridge.


.....And so Galv entered the stange mans cottege, unaware of what he was to encounter....

[Gebohq]

(NSP: Hmm... a Scotsman now. It'll be interesting to see if he continues, though the plot hole of THIS one might break F5 levels...

And I fear that B.U.M.P. inc. has new competition now, namely the N.U.D.G.E. kind http://forums.massassi.net/html/smile.gif)

------------------
~)Gebohq(~
Check out the following stories:
The Neverending Story Thread (http://forums.massassi.net/html/Forum7/HTML/000032.html)(comedy *sci-fi/fantasy*)--never finished--

(in story order)
The Change (The Second War) (http://forums.massassi.net/html/Forum7/HTML/000210.html) (sci-fi/fantasy) --not finished/on hold--
The Crusade--tentative title (fantasy/sci-fi) --To Be Announced--
Saga of the 3rd War (http://forums.massassi.net/html/Forum7/HTML/000008.html) (fantasy/sci-fi) --finished--
The Shadows of Darkness (http://forums.massassi.net/html/Forum7/HTML/000064.html) (fantasy/sci-fi) --finished--
The Eternal War (http://forums.massassi.net/html/Forum7/HTML/000203.html) (fantasy/sci-fi) --not finished/IN PRODUCTION--

[Gebohq]

NSP: Presenting...

Historic Moment of Massassi

Recently, Brian Lozier, the owner of the Massassi Temple website for four years, is retiring from his position of ownership and passing the torch on to Slug, Kedri and bluejay. You will be missed Brian!

audience member: This is a poor excuse to post without it being story related! Boo!

Hush you!

[The MAZZTer]

I'm BAAAAAAAAAAAACK

Sorry I've been away for so long, I've been too busy with my webpage and gaming in general... you could say I've bit off more of the 'net than I can chew... too busy am I... but I'm gonna catch up now!

*In the realm of the writers*

*The Mega-ZZTer is on his laptop on the Zone playing JK. He suddenly feels compelled to open a room to argue about which level is perfect...*

Zone - Jedi Kngight Rooms - Nar Shadda Lobby - Room 10

Title of room: Perfect Level
Description: Which level do YOU think is the perfect level? (No game)

Chat transcript: (Falsefied, J and JMP I hope you don't mind http://forums.massassi.net/html/smile.gif)

(Enter) AoG_Mega_ZZTer
(Enter) AoG_Dr_J
AoG_Mega_ZZTer> Hey, J
(Enter) AoG_JMP
AoG_Dr_J> Hey Mega.
AoG_Mega_ZZTer> hi JMP long time no see
AoG_JMP> hi
AoG_Mega_ZZTer> So what are your opinions of the perfect lvl?
AoG_Dr_J> JHS
AoG_JMP> the original lvls, BGJ etc
AoG_Mega_ZZTer> How about the MLPs?
AoG_Dr_J> They're good, but nothing can compare with JHS It's got great gameplay.
AoG_Mega_ZZTer> Well I think I'll have to set up a poll on my site later on... I wanna pay some KWP@JHS now you withme?
AoG_Dr_J> Sure sounds cool
AoG_JMP> y not

End trandscript.

*Later, MZZTTW thinks about the perfect level more...*

MZZTTW: How about I have MZZTTH join with the other NeS heroes on the quest to pfind the perfect lvl? Yeah... *grins... starts typing*

*In the realm of the heroes*

MZZTTH: *Walks along a street in Patagonia, Arizona, a town which is made up of one crossroad and a couple little places around it (really, I've been there)* I haven't been here in a while... I should come here more often.

*Suddenly, he falls into a plot hole*

MZZTTH: Darnnit, not again!

*He emerges in...*

MZZTTH: Cool. Drazen Isle... w/Ninka Kage 7.0!!! http://forums.massassi.net/html/biggrin.gif I seem to be at the resort. *Picks up a conc* WOOHOO!!! TIME TO KICK SOME ARSE!!!! http://forums.massassi.net/html/biggrin.gif http://forums.massassi.net/html/biggrin.gif http://forums.massassi.net/html/biggrin.gif http://forums.massassi.net/html/biggrin.gif

*What will happen next?!?!?! (I know, weak ending, but I used up all my creative powers on a school essay, sry... don't worry, they'll regenerate eventually http://forums.massassi.net/html/biggrin.gif)*

------------------
"You know when you've been away from the Zone too long when none of your Zone friends recognize you." - /me

[Antestarr]

*Several hours earlier...*

*Galvatron transformed into his dragon mode and joined Rent-a-Zilla and Hamster Man in an orchestra of destruction. As the camera panned out you could see the three of them climbing up and down buildings, smashing walls, eating anything that might have been inside one of the buildings, and being shot at by helicopters and tanks while men in green suits threw dynamite at them.*

Ante (calling to Galv): Hey Galv! Long time no see.

Galv: Wow, look at you. You look really small... want some lemonade?

Ante: Umm, not right now. Actually, my rental time with this beast is about to run out, so how's about you and me finish off fuzz-boy over there?

Galv: Sure.

Ante & Galv: FIRE BREATH!

*Both Rent-a-Zilla and Galvatron release large streams of flame, engulfing the Hamster Man.*

------------------

*In a brand new office, in an undisclosed area, with handcrafted wood paneling and large stained glass windows, sat the self-proclaimed ruler of all creation, watching his minion of chaos get pounded into the ground by two challengers.*

Gates: This does not bode well. STATUS REPORT!

English-Accented Lackey: Lord Gater, we believe that the Hamster Man may not be able to sustain that assault. His internal temperatures are rising to critical levels. We can only hope that the X-Box archetecture that he is based on can withstand that.

His Emminency, Lord Gater: FOOL! Why did you base him on X-Box archetecture?! We all know that technology developed by our company is intentionally flawed in order to complete our grasp over the fools who we call "consumers". The X-Box is designed so that if there is a Hard-Drive failure, it cannot be re-booted or re-formatted, and must be traded in for a new one!! Where are we going to trade in our Hamster Man for a new one?!

E-AL: We're not. You see, this was all just a way for us to buy time...

HE,LG: What...? What do you mean?

*The Lackey pulls out a pistol and points it at Gates.*

E-AL: You're coming with us, now.

Gates (hitting intercom): Security! Get up here at once.

Double Agent (formerly E-AL): They won't help you. They're with us now. (Puts hand up to ear and speaks into collar) Team, fall in now.

*The stained glass windows cascade down as they're shattered and black ops men rappel in.*

DA: Now, I'd advise you to come quietly.

Gates: I'd rather just scream and flail about, thank you very much.

*As the camrea pans away from the HQ building, an interstellar Pinto can be seen in the parking lot.*

------------------

*Ante gets a written message handed to him by a random japanese man who then takes a cyanide capsule. In the message is information detailing what has happened over at MSHQ.*

Ante (under his breath): Excellent... it seems as though my plans that have remained undisclosed since page 2 are still going into effect, and that my behavior-modification technology works perfectly...

Galv (back in person/robot form): Hey, what's that?

Ante: Uh...! oh... nothing. Really. Hey, why not go hit the remains of that Hamster Man with a big stick? You know, pretend he's an X-Box or something.

Galv: Okay.

*Galvatron walks over and smacks the Hamster Man remains, which then proceed to explode violently. Galvatron is launched into the air in a general western direction.*

Ante: Well, that was unforseen. (Turning to Rent-a-Zilla) Now it's time for us to part ways...

*Rent-a-Zilla starts whimpering.*

Ante: Now, now... I know we had fun times together, but my time with you is up. Now go home.

*Rent-a-Zilla persists, rubbing his nose against Ante.*

Ante: Stop that! (Picks up stick just used to detonate Hamster Man) See this? Go fetch!

*Ante throws the stick across the street. As Rent-a-Zilla runs across to fetch it, he is hit by a speeding gigantic Wooly Mammoth and sent flying in a general eastern direction.*

Ante: Hmm... that too was unforseen. Oh well, now I guess I could either go find my friends... or I could get more involved with my secret plans....

------------------

*Meanwhile, somewhere in Scotland, Galv falls from a great height and lands in a rolling field.*

Galv (standing up and brushing himself off): Hmm... what a flight. I wonder where I am. I could really use some justice after that... Justice League Fruit Pies, I mean. I wonder if any natives could help me...

*As his voice trailed off, the rising sound of bagpipes came from beyond a hill.*

[The MAZZTer]

*In the heroes' realm, searching for the perfect level in Drazen Isle... (w/Ninja Kage patch http://forums.massassi.net/html/smile.gif)*

MZZTTH: Heh... I haven't played Drazen in a while, I should more often... *Walks toward the Drazen Gazette*

*Suddenly, a figure steps out in front of him...*

MZZTTH: AH!!! *Frightened, he impulsively slashes at the unknown man, who falls...*

*Suddenly, some yellow text flashes at the top of his vision... (can't describe it, but you know what I mean)

"Geb was killed by AoG_Mega_ZZTer"

followed by:

"Geb says: 'ARGH!!! I HAD FISTS DARNNIT!!!'"*

MZZTTH: Oh, uh, oops, I didn't have time to see... acted on instinct... you know...

*Suddenly the body of Geb dissapears, and a few minutes later Geb appears from inside the Mayor's house*

GebTH: Suuuuuuuure... And I'm Geb!

MZZTH: Um.. you are.

GebTH: Oh... yeah, thats right. Well, I ought kick you for that!!!

MZZTTH: Wait! I'm here to help you and JorBo find the perfect level.

GebTH: Really?!?! That's great!

JorBoTH: *Comes out of the Bookstore* Yeah, he spelled my name with a capital B! Let 'im stay.

GebTH: I was going to anyway.

JorBoTH: Wait, how'd we get here? Gettle and Haggis are here, not us!

GebTH: Shh... you'll reveal the plot hole!

MZZTTH: Um.. wait, you guys used 'Endlevel' to get here, right? (That wraps up things nice and tidy-like. http://forums.massassi.net/html/smile.gif)

JorBoTH: Um.. yea.

*Suddenly, two screams of "AAAAAAAAAARGH!!!" can be heard from the bell tower. It can only be assumed that these are from Gettle and Haggis, delayed from when they opened the treasure.*

*In the realm of the writers*

MZZTTW: Argh. This is the third time TODAY there's been a flooder in the Nar Shadda lobby at the Zone... and they were all members of that new Anti-NeS clan!!! (SeN)

*Calls up GebTW on his phone*

MZZTTW: Geb! I have some really bad news...

GebTW: The Forum building's coffee machine is broken again?!?!

MZZTTW: ... Worse.

GebTW: There's a shortage of coffee beans?!?!?

MZZTTW: No Geb, it's...

GebTW: People have somehow forgotten how to make coffee entirely?!??! This myse be the work of Darkside!!!

MZZTTW: NO!!! There's an Anti-NeS JK clan!!

GebTW: ... Oh. So?

MZZTTW: Their website has links to KKK pages.

GebTW: So?

MZZTTW: The members are all hackers and flooders.

GebTW: So?

MZZTTW: They have more members than we have writers.

GebTW: So?

MZZTTW: They have a webpage. We don't. (Author's note: yet http://forums.massassi.net/html/biggrin.gif)

GebTW: So?

MZZTTW: They said your mother wears army boots.

GebTW: WHAT?!?!? THIS IS OUTRAGEOUS!!! Something must be done!!!

MZZTTW: I sent a couple of e-mails to the right people. I said that their webpage contains hate-speech, which it does, and that it offends me deeply, which it does, that it supports the KKK, which it does, and that the webpage design is horrible, which it is.

GebTW: It sounded like you were gonna say something, and then "which it doesn't"

MZZTTW: So sue me. I couldn't think of anything. Anyways, I haven't gotten a response yet, but I'm fairly confident the page will be shut down and the clan dissolved.

GebTW: Just in case we get into any legal trouble...

MZZTTW: What, are you serious? They're the ones who are breaking every known law... and then some!!!

GebTW: Well... people will sue anyone for anything these days.. here, I'll give you a number... just in case.

MZZTTW: Sure.. but I still say that SeN can't and therefore won't sue us for freedom of speech or anything *hint hint http://forums.massassi.net/html/biggrin.gif*.

GebTW: 1-855-555-KRIG... Krig, Attorney at Law.

MZZTTW: Funny.. sounds familiar.

------------------
"You know when you've been away from the Zone too long when none of your Zone friends recognize you." - /me

[Krig the Viking]

*MZZT the Writer dials the number that Geb the Writer has given him.*

Krig the Writer: "Hullo?"

MZZT the Writer: "Hello, is this Krig the Writer, Attorney at Law?"

Krig the Writer: "Erg, no, this Krig the Writer, writer of NeS. Krig not lawyer. Only Krig in story Krig write is lawyer."

MZZT the Writer: "What? But on the phone Geb said you were an attorney!"

Krig the Writer: "MZZT not pay attention to things Geb say on phone. Geb little crazy when talk over phone. Tell Krig he hummingbird once. Krig think phones in forum building have electromagnetic pulse waves that make people crazy."

MZZT the Writer: "Really! Ahh!"

*MZZT the Writer drops his phone, then turns around to face Krig, with whom he shares an office.*

MZZT the Writer: "So you're not really an attorney?"

Krig the Writer: "Krig can pretend to be attorney. MZZT want Krig to pretend to be attorney?"

MZZT the Writer: "Um, no thanks, I'll find a real one who can actually practice law, thanks..."

------------------------------------------------

*Krig the Viking (the hero, not the writer) stands looking out over the twisted smoking wreckage that had been Tokyo, but now is a big pile of twisted smoking wreckage. Behind him, His Honour Dwayne Ketchkoff and the rest of the court people walk up.*

His Honour: "All right boys, put it down here."

*Several burly courtroom guards put down the podium thingy that the judge sits behind, and His Honour sits behind it.*

His Honour: "Since the courtroom was destroyed by an unidentified rampaging wooly mammoth, we will continue here. Mr. Viking, have you any closing arguments?"

Krig: "Um... Krig like butterflies. But only with cherry sauce. Icky without cherry sauce."

His Honour: "All right, then, I find the defendant, Mr. Clown, guilty of the brutal murder of a mime. However, since mime murder is not illegal here in Japan, and indeed comes with a $25 dollar reward plus a certificate for twenty-five cents off on your next hamburger at an American McDonald's, Mr. Clown is free to go."

Mr. Clown: "Yay! Mr. Viking, you're the best lawyer ever! I'm going to reccomend you to all of my friends!"

Krig: "Sometimes Krig eat butterflies without cherry sauce, but it taste like poo-gas."

Whatever will *hic* happen here? Shome shtuff might happ--happ--happen, *hic*, but then it might not! What'sh really import-tant ish tha--hey, whadda you lookin' at, buddy? Ain't you *hic* Ain't you ever sheen a drunk narrat *hic* tor be--before? I oughtta punch you in the nose fer that, shir, I oughtta....ooh, the room'sh shpinning too much. Lemme off, I feel ill...

------------------
When the blind leadeth the blind.... get out of the way!

[Antestarr]

*NSP: Hey, look! It's 5 days until my 2 year anniversary of writing for this piece of tra.... er... this wonderful work of American Literature. Remember way back on page 2, when I joined up using a blatant Space Quest rip-off? Those were the good old days. Anyway, I expect to have a surprise party thrown for me in 5 days. Get me all kinds of good stuff and remind me that my existance is worth it, and maybe I'll keep on writing here. After all, isn't it usually right after the 2 year anniversary that internet personalities retire...? It's up to you to prevent forest fires... I mean to prevent me from leaving. Really. I'm serious. In that "I'm mostly joking about leaving" sort of way http://forums.massassi.net/html/wink.gif. Still, it's nice to be reminded that you're at least somewhat important once in a while.........*

[This message has been edited by Antestarr (edited December 11, 2001).]

[The Last True Evil]

*TLTETH and TLTETW are still camped outside the glowing gates of the Perfect Level.*

TLTETH: God, those damned lazy writers are taking forever...

TLTETW: Patience. It's a quiet patch in the story.

TLTETH: Ahhh, you writers all stick up for each other...

*Suddenly, a hideous laugh reverberates throughout the dark night. Both TLTE's spring to their feet, hands grasping at their pistol holsters.*

TLTETH: What in the name of heeby-jeeby was that?

TLTETW: Either a moose with severe nasal congestion, or-

*OLTE/Darkside strides into view, flanked by a dozen LTE slaves in high-tech armour and guns almost as big as they are.*

OLTE/Darkside: Boys...how are we?

TLTETH: This is it! The moment of truth! On their side; a magnificent display of armour, weaponry and tactical know how. On ours; nothing and no one but you and-

*He turns, staring blankly at the LTE-shaped cloud of dust next to him.*

OLTE/Darkside: Find him! And as for you...

*OLTE/Darkside grabs TLTETH and lifts him above his head with one arm, with no effort.*

TLTETH: What...what are you going to do?

OLTE/Darkside: Well, your friends weren't fast enough, so as punishment, I'm going to set a bomb inside the Perfect Level, and raze it to the ground in an ironically un-perfect heap of rubble.

TLTETH: And...me?

OLTE/Darkside: Ah, you. You're about to become art, TLTETH. I'm posting a little warning here to make sure your comrades don't follow me to Switzerland...

*At that moment, OLTE/Darkside produces a wooden post, and a handful of nails. He glares at TLTETH, eyes flashing bright red.*

OLTE/Darkside: And you are the message.

*Ten minutes (and much agonised screaming) later, the gates of the Perfect Level are silent again, save the relentless ticking of destruction, deep inside the level...*

Note: Thought I'd punish you all for not hurrying up http://forums.massassi.net/html/tongue.gif

[Gebohq]

(NSP: Pffft! You ask for so much Ante. A "thank you", honestly...*cough* I mean You HAVEN'T been writing for two years, Antestarr, for it has only been your first day.... Oh alright.

*Hands Antestarr some cheeze and crackers with two candles on it, which are lit.*

"Happy two year anniversery, you dark comedic, back-stabbing--er--I mean, wonderful, DEDICATED, happy happy writer you..."

*Hands Antestarr a card that says "Here's your bri--er, reward to continue writing". Inside is several dollar bills of a large sum.*

"Sorry I didn't get you the hookers like you asked...."
--------------------
*And TLTE, hehehehehehehe, funny stuff. MZZT, I could be wrong, but I believe your character was ALREADY with Geb, JorBo, etc. searching for the perfect level...oh well. Anywhos, with my re-newed connection to the internet, look to see some new and funny *use your imagination and humor me at least* posts in the near future.*)

~Geb

--Nope, my bad, I just thought you were MZZT. But my character and JorBo DID use ENDLEVEL to join with Cooked, Gettle, and Otter (actually, it was the booming voice, details details...). So yeah, someone write a thingy with Drazen and Ninja Kage 7.0, since I'm not familiar with it--thanks http://forums.massassi.net/html/smile.gif--

[This message has been edited by Gebohq (edited December 12, 2001).]

[Krig the Viking]

*A few minutes later TheOtter, Gebohq, JorBo, Cooked Haggis, Janitor Bob, The Last True Evil The Hero, MZZT, and Mr. T stand at the gleaming golden gates of the Perfect Level, having all finally gathered there. Beyond is a newly formed giant pile of rubble.*

JorBo: "Noooooo! My life-long quest is in vain! Noooooooooooo!"

Geb: "Wait - didn't you just start this quest like a few hours ago? And didn't -- Hey, look, it's Mr. T! What are you doing here?"

Mr. T: "Ahm lookin' for the Perfeck Level, foo'! Whadda you doin' here?"

Geb: "Well, I'm looking for the Perfect Level, is that like the Perfeck Level?"

Mr. T: "You makin' fun o' me, suckah?"

Geb: "Uh, no sir, not at all! No, I was just - uh - I'm sorry, I was out of line! Please don't hurt me!"

Mr. T: "Ah pity you, foo'. Now where's this here Perfeck Level?"

*Geb points out at devastated wreckage.*

Mr. T: "Oh, no! Someone's destroyed the Perfeck Level! Ah'm gonna make 'em pay! Ah pity the fool who done this!"

*Mr. T runs off into the distance.*

Cooked Haggis: "I say, that fellow was rather grammatically incorrect..."

TLTETH: "Hey, um, guys, any chance of getting some help off of this pole? It really hurts..."

Otter (looking at TLTETH): "Hey, there's something spraypainted here... 'Dun't fallow me too Switzer Land Pleeze. Thenk U. Darksyde.'"

Haggis: "I say, the fellow who wrote that had rather bad spelling..."

Janitor Bob (smacking forehead): "Holy Guacamole! I nearly forgot! All this wreckage and mess has greatly disturbed me! Must... Clean..."

MZZT (restraining J-Bob): "No, Bob! You must not give in to the need to clean! There's too much mess here! You'll kill yourself trying to clean it all up!"

Janitor Bob: "You're right. You're right. I must resist. What was I going to say? Oh yes... Switzerland! Darkside is using that massive army of TLTE clones to take over Switzerland and then the world! We must stop him!"
MZZT: "But the sign painted on that guy on the stick said we shouldn't..."

Janitor Bob: "Oh, right. Well, I guess we can all go home now."

TLTETH: "Wait! Are you going to let some incredibly powerful incarnation of the dark side of the Force who can't spell very well tell you what to do? Or are you going to stand up for your rights and save the world? Again?"

Geb: "He's right! Let's go save the world again! Follow me!"

*Geb runs off into the distance, followed by everyone else. Except TLTETH, who is still stuck on the pole.*

TLTETH: "Ow... The pain... Hello? Where did you go? Please come back! It hurts so much..."

What an intrigueing develpment, and so on. Will the world be saved? Or will our heroes triumph yet again? What an amazingly difficult question to answer. Yeah, right. Actually, come to think of it, in this story you never can tell if the heroes will win or not... Tune in next time, then!

------------------
When the blind leadeth the blind.... get out of the way!

[Krig the Viking]

(NSP: Oh, right, that party thing so that Ante doesn't dissapear. All right, all right...

*Krig half-heartedly celebrates Ante's 2nd anniversary.*

Yay.)

[Gebohq]

(NSP: Oh well, so much for that sup-plot. I suppose it was sort of dragging on anywhos. Here's just a little something while other writers develop on NeS much better for me to get an idea. I just hope everyone else isn't doing the same thing... http://forums.massassi.net/html/wink.gif)

Meanwhile...

Losien and Mick McLongname meet up with Masetto and Lt. Randy, who meet up with Krig, Antestarr, Phantom Master, Semievil, and Maybechild.

Losien: Hiya all.

Mick: Wow, it's real convinient that the group of us are together now, eh?

Ante: Maybe, but I'm actually going to split and get involved with my secret plans.

PM: (in Japaneese accent) What secret plans?

Ante: If I told ya, they wouldn't be secret, would they?

Mase: Why am I here again? I'm missing a good episode of "The Young and the Restless"

Maybe: To save you from watching such trash.

Lt. Randy: And save the world!

Semievil: So people can watch trash on TV.

Lt. Randy: Perhaps we shouldn't save the world...

Krig: Krig thinks convinient group forgot including someone...Krig not sure. Ohh! Butterfly...

Now that half of the hereos are back together, will they convienently run into the other half to try and save the world from Darkside? CAN these saps save them from Darkside? What are Ante's secrets? Will JorBo be forever tormented from not knowing the perfect level? Will my hangover EVER go away...

Booming Voice: STAY TUNED, RIGHT HERE, ON THE NEVERENDING STORY THREAD!

Hey, that's my line!

Booming Voice: WELL MOVE OVER! IF I DIDN'T GET TO SEE WHAT THE PERFECT LEVEL IS, THEN I'LL AT LEAST BE THE NARRATOR!

*sigh* Deja vu, anyone?
-----------------------
~Geb

[This message has been edited by Gebohq (edited December 12, 2001).]

[Gebohq]

NSP: Sorry, but I was just going through the old ISB, and I found this one that I posted for, and DAMN it's funny! Here it is, for posterity *it's only 9 posts long*

If you'd like the direct link, you can find it by clicking here:
Continue this one... (http://forums.massassi.net/html/Forum7/HTML/000015.html)

Feel free to also click here on Sith Hell (http://forums.massassi.net/html/Forum7/HTML/000030.html), where Darkside played a serious role, and here on Control of the Force (http://forums.massassi.net/html/Forum7/HTML/000036.html), a JK story I started writing for but never finished, and was hoping to make into a MotS level (JK wouldn't be able to handle it).


<font face="Verdana, Arial" size="2">The Avenger
Member posted October 10, 1999 11:16 PM
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One day, good ol' Luke was walkin around and spotted his friends.
Luke (in high-pitched dorky voice):Hey guys, how's it goin?
Joe Shmo: Yeah, uh hey Luke what's up (smirk)
Luke (in same voice): Well, I was thinkin we should go down to Toshi station and get some power converters, huh, yeah?
Joe Shmo: *rolls eyes* Yeah, sure Luke, we'll see ya there in a bit, you go on ahead.
Luke (same voice): OK guys, seeya later!
Joe: Yeah Luke, bye. *All freinds are holding in laughter. as Luke leaves, they burst out laughing*

IP: Logged

Kevinator
Member posted October 10, 1999 11:43 PM
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*About an hour after arriving at Toshi station*
Luke: Awww... why haven't my friends showed up? This is the fourth time this week this has happened! They know very well that this is my favorite place to hang out! (sigh)

Power-Converter Specialist AKA Luke's role-model: Don't feel bad, Luke. I remember what I was like when I was your age. Some people just don't appreciate a good power converter when they see one. And then, to top it all off, my dorky uncle wouldn't let me got to the academy because he needed more help with the harvest.

(Tears well up in Luke's eyes)

Luke: *Screams* WWHHHAAAA!!! I want to go to the academy THIS year!

Power-Converter Specialist: Here Luke, I think this top-o-the-line power converter might cheer you up. (chuckles)

Luke: Aww gee! Really mister? *Dorky voice* An' I don't have to pay for it? Aww gee thanks! Just wait 'til I show Aunt Beru!!!

The saga contines...

- Kevinator


IP: Logged

BobaFett
Member posted October 12, 1999 04:57 PM
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LOL!
IP: Logged

JeDiBoY
Member posted October 12, 1999 08:16 PM
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**Luke Arives Back home at the Homestead**
Aunt Beru: Luke yer late for Dinner

Luke: *Dorky Voice* Ah gee Beru, cut me some slack yo

Aunt Beru: *gives Luke a look* ok... what have you been takin' again?

Luke: Dont mind that Beru! guess what I got!?

Beru: *Sigh* what is it? [*Thought/Thinking* I hope its not another POWER converter]

Luke: its a POWER CONVERTER!

Beru: luke! we got more than enough of those, late time I counted we had about 90,098,274! take that one back!

Luke: Buts its a TOP of the line Converter! c'mon!

Beru: You said that LAST time and the time before, and the time before...

Luke: No, you keep it! my MaMa told me be helpful to your Aunts! Im not takin' it back!

**Takes Converter and shoves it in Berus Face**

Luke: Eat it Jerk!

------------------
- Commander JeDi BoY of Red Squadron
-- Is that a Cheeseburger or a Stormtrooper


[This message has been edited by JeDiBoY (edited October 12, 1999).]

IP: Logged

BountyHunter
Member posted October 13, 1999 08:46 PM
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Aunt Beru: OK I WILL HAHAHAHA *eats power converter*
Luke:*dorky voice* Awwwww I didn't mean it. Ya just had to eat it up like a hutt!
Aunt Beru:HAHAHAHA! AFTER THAT I'M GOING TO EVERYTHING ELSE! STARTING WITH YOU!*starts eating Luke*YUM YUM!
Luke:AHHHHHH! some one help me!
(Aunt Beru chokes on Luke's clothes and dies)
Luke: YAY! I'm still alive even though I'm missing an arm.

------------------
Blasters are like potato chips, you can't have just one

IP: Logged

JeDiBoY
Member posted October 14, 1999 09:32 PM
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
&lt;**Luke Looks down at Berus remains**&gt;
[Luke:*Dorky* Oh well, "Another one Bites the dust"]

[**Luke sits down at a table and starts chugging on a Soft Drink**]

[**The soft drink starts talking to him**]

[Soft-Drink: hey pisssst, yo kid,]

[Luke: *Dorky* Hey U tawkin to me]

[Soft-Drink: yeah U, what happened to beru, and what in the world happened to your arm]

[Luke: Beru? well, umm... she... uh... choked, after trying to swollow me, I surveived but she didnt, my arm is stuck in her belly, oh, do you know where I can get a repalcement arm]

[Soft-Drink: oh wow, what a day]

[Luke: this is strrraaanngggeeee]

[**Slaps him self because he was talking to a Soft Drink ]

[**Chugs on the Soft-Drink**]

[**Walks out of him home into the unknown...]

------------------
- Commander JeDi BoY of Red Squadron
-- Is that a Cheeseburger or a Stormtrooper


IP: Logged

Kevinator
Member posted November 26, 1999 06:35 PM
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Hmmm... looks like this topic hasn't been replied to in a long time... anyway, it's my favorite, so here we go!
Luke: *Takes a few steps outside of home - sees his role-model being chased by a group of tusken Raiders* NOOO!!! I won't let it happen! I WON'T let it happen!!! I WON'T let it happen!!!!! *Chases after group half a mile away*

Power Converter Specialist: *Faint* LUKE!!! Go home and get 5 of your best power converters! You should be able to rig your landspeeder with some much needed extra power after your friends trashed it. *Trails off in a babbling voice*

Luke: I know what I have to do! *Runs into house, only to find his friends tearing apart his room* (Dorky voice) Come on, guys! Why don't you like me? I'll let you have some of my power converters if you'll help me get the guy from the power converter shop back from a group of Tuskens!

Friends: *In unison* You'll have to do better than that!

Luke: *Thinking* What can I do? I own nothing but power converters!

The saga continues...

-Kevinator

IP: Logged

RobX
Member posted November 26, 1999 08:34 PM
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...and RobX shoots the hell out of Luke with his blaster.
RobX:and thats the end of that chapter.

------------------
Next Wave Gaming
holding up an onion ring he proclaimed, "Look sir, droids!"

IP: Logged

Kevinator
Member posted November 26, 1999 09:58 PM
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No! Rob, you ruined the story... the precious, precious story... =)
-Kevinator

IP: Logged

Enchilada_Man
Member posted November 27, 1999 01:54 PM
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It was bound to happen, Kev.
------------------
Enchiladas! Nice and Hot!
Enchiladas- I got I got!

IP: Logged

Gebohq
Member posted July 19, 2000 11:01 PM
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*Luke, thinking on the moment, jumbles the power converters together to make a lightsaber that glowed blue.*
"I'll make you guys one of these each if you hellp me out," Luke said in his high-pitched whiny voice.

"All right!" one of his "friends" said. "You've got yourself a deal!"

*Luke sets off with teh others in his landspeeder, driving towards the Tusken proving grounds. Meanwhile, a Kyle-looking sith peers at Luke and the others through his binoculars. This sith then proceeds to follow them, for Darth Bad was on teh hunt for whiny kids, and this one hadn't eaten any of his greens.* </font>
--------------------------
~Geb

[This message has been edited by Gebohq (edited December 13, 2001).]

[Gettleburger]

I return...muahahahahahah! er...yeah

Gettle: I WANT OUT!! I QUIT!! *walks through a secret wall into the unkown*

Haggis: *feined gasp of terror* Oh dear, where did my Gettle go!

*pokes head through wall*Gettle: I'M NOT YOUR DEAR!!!

*Haggis walks through the wall, but not before leaving a very not-so-obvios billboard that says: "DON'T WALK THROUGH THIS WALL"*

------------

*Gebohq and JorBo walk around Drazen and run into **The billboard**!!!!*

Gebohq: OOOoooohh! A billboard! 'Don't walk through this wall!'

JorBo: Doesn't that mean we should go through it just for the hell of it?

Gebohq: ...

*They walk through the wall...and meet Gettle and Haggis who are screaming in joy at the body of TLTETH*

*all together* YAY!!!!!!!

Gettle: Uhh...aren't we supposed to be terrified?

Gebohq: It's for the sick humor of the writer, so he and all the readers can laugh at this horribley disgusting...thing...

(NSP: Now I'll finish it ^.^)

Then all of a sudden, the doors to the perfect level open, and a hideous woman appears! she has blonde hair that looks like it went through a whirlwind and hippie clothes

Woman *in screechy voice*: I am the keyboarding teacher! Bow down before me and my precious pet! *Morris the kitty walks behind the Keyboarding Teacher, towering over the heroes*

Morris: I am Morris, the Super Editing Web Kitty!

Gebohq: Uh, we know

Morris: Silence, or I'll be forced to sacrifice you to power the ultimate machine...one that me and the teacher will use to take over the world!!

Gettle: *mutters*Oh boy, that's original *other heroes s****** at morris and the keyboarding teacher*

Keyboarding Teacher: What was that!

Gettle: Uhhmmm...I was just commenting on how great your hair was...

Morris: You shall be silent, or I'll be voilent

Keyboarding Teacher: Hey that's kinda catchy!

Morris: Of course it is, I created it moronic partner!

Keyboarding Teacher: Well excu-u-u-use ME! I ought to take you to the vet!

Morris: HAH! Ought is such an outdated word, you old windbag, and I should...*blah blah*

*While the two are arguing, the heroes sneak through to door into....The Perfect Level

*altogether* OOOOOOOOOOOOH


(NSP: Hehe, gotta leave you allhanging here, class is ending)

[This message has been edited by Gettleburger (edited December 14, 2001).]

[The MAZZTer]

(OoC: ARRRRRRRRGH!!! If anyone knows how to login to a .NET Passport, please tell me. I had to sign up for one so I could use the IGZ, but I can't get to the login page!!! MICROSOFT WILL DIE IN THIS POST http://forums.massassi.net/html/biggrin.gif)

(Just kidding, I made this up BEFORE I tried to sign up for a .NET thingy. I came up weith this great idea for closing this chapter of NeS with a great confrontation w/DarkSide, him being defeated and promising revenge, yadda yadda yadda, and the crippling of the Galactic Microsoft Empire... but since I'm sure you ppl want to go to Switzerland first and have fun kicking arse and stuff... and since I would probably make severl of you angry with such a post... you'll just have to live with the PARTIAL crippling of Microsoft http://forums.massassi.net/html/biggrin.gif)

-=&lt; In the heroes realm... High above planet Earth in the MSN (Microsoft Star Neutralizer) Windows XP... &gt;=-

Stupid Officer #474: Gee I'm bored... Mr. Gates was kidnapped, and so now we don't have a leader...

Moronic Officer #864224: Don't worry, I can lead!!!

Stupid/Moronic Officers #-5350 to +7927501: YAY!

SO474: Well, what will be you're first action as leader?

MO864224: I'll press this button here... *Points to the red one... http://forums.massassi.net/html/biggrin.gif*

*Moments later a thunderous explosion rockets the ship, and in an instant, the ship and all 61751076011870178 Microsoft employees on board become puffs of smoke. http://forums.massassi.net/html/biggrin.gif*

-=&lt; In Darkside's torture chamber &gt;=-

Gates: *Sitting in a chair and held to it by bonds and surrounded by Lackys weilding chain saws, arc welders, and the like* I won't tell anything!!!

TLTE Torturer: Wait, did something like this happen before? I just had Deja Vu... I mean... MUAHGHAAHAHAH!!! YOUR PITIFUL FLEET OF STAR NEUTRALIZERS CAN'T SAVE YOU NOW!!! (Man, I LOVE being able to talk in Caps...)

Gates: Um... ack.

*Suddenly, the door is blown off it's hinges by Force Push... MZZTTH steps into the room!!!*

MZZTTH: http://forums.massassi.net/html/biggrin.gif

TLTET: GET HIM LACKEYS!!!

*The Lackeys tackle MZZTTH football style, effectively flattening him. Moments later, they howl in pain and burst through the ceilign cartoon-style. MZZTTH is there with his saber lit.*

MZZTTH: http://forums.massassi.net/html/biggrin.gif

TLTWT: Darn you!!! You won't...

MZZTTH: *Vaporizes TLTET with his saber* Ah, shaddup.

The producer of this post, The Mega-ZZTer, now wishes to assure the audience that no TLTEs were harmed in the making of this post.

Gates: Thank goodness!! A Jedi Knight has come to save me!

MZZTTH: Actually, PM sent me to assassinate you...

Gates: Oh.

MZZTTH: ...so that the Microsoft Empire will fall apart.

Gates: GALACTIC. Galactic Microsoft Emp..

MZZTTH: Yes, yes, yes, Oh, and Mr. Gates, have you heard? Your officers pushed the red button!!! MUHAHAHHAHAHAHA!!!

Gates: Isn't that a figure of speech?

MZZTTH: Not in THIS case! http://forums.massassi.net/html/biggrin.gif

Gates: *Lifts his chin up* Well, I still have the MSD Office, the MSD Internet Explorer, the MSD Media Player, the MSD... *Time passes*... not to mention the TIE Fighters Notepad, Charmap, Paint...

MZZTTH: OK OK I GET THE DARN POINT!!!

*Suddenly, another figure enters the room... MZZTTH sences him and whirls around to face his foe...*

Darkside's Chief Lackey: Hello. You're probably wondering why I'm here...

MZZTTH: Not really.

DCL: I'm here to kill Gates...

MZZTTH: *Steps aside* Be my guest!

DCL: ...but of course, if I find any Massassians along the way, I'm to kill them too.

MZZTTH: *Steps forward* Try it!

Gates: *Cheerfully* Well, I guess I'd better look on the bright side! I'd rather be killed by a Jedi Knight than by a Darkside Lackey! Go MZZTTH!

MZZTTH: *Turns around* Really?

Gates: Yes!

MZZTTH: *Turns back to face DCL* If I run away, who will you go after?

DCL: Gates.

MZZTTH: Suits me fine. *Turns to Gates* Mr. Gates, I'd love to kill this guy, seeing he's one of the top guys and all, but I'd rather see you NOT get you're dying wish...

Gates: *Gulp*

MZZTTH: G'bye! *Falls out a conveniently placed closed window.*

DCL: Woah. Deja Vu. Well, anyway, time to do the job I came here for... *Turns to face Gates* http://forums.massassi.net/html/biggrin.gif *Pulls out knife*

Gates: #$%^&.

-=&lt; Some empty beach somewhere after sunset &gt;=-

PM: *Talks into com* Misson successful. MZZT tells me Gates is assassinated, and the Windows XP blew itself up. Microsoft will take a long time to recover. We can concentrate on Darkside now. *Flicks com off.*

*Stares at the horizon as a burning piece of the MSN Windows XP plumits down in a fireball into the ocean... the full beauty of which cannot be described...*

PM: Ah, beautiful... Now, Switzerland or bust!!! *Gets out hitchhiking thumb and heads for the nearest highway.*

Disclaimer: The author wishes that, if any Microsoft employee reads this post, that they also read this: The author has no grudge against Microsoft, and does not wish for them any fate that is stated in this post. This post is purely fictional.

------------------
"You know when you've been away from the Zone too long when none of your Zone friends recognize you." - /me

[Edit: WOOHOO!!! I've got the first post on page 28!!!]

[This message has been edited by The_Mega_ZZTer (edited December 13, 2001).]

[The Last True Evil]

*In the darkest, most secretive inner chambers of TLTE/Darkside's Palace Of Killing Everyone Good, Taking Over the World & Generally Acting Quite Nasty Indeed, TLTE/Darkside consults with his evil TLTE Generals.*

TLTE/Darkside: Esteemed Generals, as the circle of our enemies tightens around our Switzerland stronghold, I am alarmed to report that I have found a flaw in our defense.

General #1: How is that possible, sir? We have automatic supermachinegun turrets, millions upon millions of trained soldiers, AA stations and even a couple of nuclear devices stashed in the store-rooms...how could we possibly not vaporise our attackers?

TLTE/Darkside: Those things don't actually MATTER, General. See, the heroes have "the hero factor" working for them. It's the unbeatable plot hole that lets them come up the victor in any given conflict. Even with those defenses you mentioned, we are still sitting ducks...

General #2: This is an awful revelation...what can we do???

TLTE/Darkside: Fear not, I have a plan. The heroes have the plot hole of them being "too good" to die working for them, so we'll man OUR defenses with people who, for whatever reason, are too lovable, funny, or just downright sexy to kill. I give you; Alpha Squadron!!!

*A curtain is lifted to reveal several thousand African-American homies in singlets and beat-up cars with the music up loud. All of them have high-powered weapons slung over their shoulders.*

Alpha Squadron General: Heyyy, wassup yo?

*Murmurs of assent and admiration from the TLTE Generals.*

TLTE/Darkside: You see my plan? They're just too down widdit to kill! But without further ado; Beta Squadron!

*Another curtain falls. A harem of mind-numbingly beautiful models are draped suggestively over couches and chairs, clumsily holding their guns and discussing how cute (or un-cute) the NeS writers are.*

TLTE/Darkside: Now, granted, they may not have a clue about combat and how to lead a proper assault, but neither will our foes after one glimpse of these beauties. Besides, they're just too cute to kill...

*Choked gasps and eager nods from the TLTE Generals.*

TLTE/Darkside: Which leaves just one more offensive squadron. Now, they may not actually have a redeemable, un-killable quality amongst them, but their sheer aggression and unrelenting ferocity guarantees that they'll be tearing our foes' faces off before they can even reach for their weapons! I give you Gamma Squadron;

*The final curtain drops, and a horde of seething, familiar TV faces are visible beyond a titanium cage.*

TLTE/Darkside: Television's Survivor rejects!!!

*Gasps and frightened glances from the TLTE Generals.*

TLTE/Darkside: Now, unfortunately, they are so vicious I can't actually let them out of their cages, lest they kill us instead. But never fear; they'll rip through the NeS brigade like...er...something that rips through something else very quickly!

*At this, all the TLTE Generals stand up and cheer. TLTE/Darkside bows humbly.*

TLTE/Darkside: And I haven't even told you about my backup plan yet...

Uh-oh! Things are not looking good for the NeS writers! With unconventional, yet deadly forces like those, do they stand any chance of winning? What is TLTE/Darkside's backup plan anyway? And where has TLTETW ended up, after narrowly escaping his fellow TLTE's at the Perfect Level? Only time and follow-up posts will tell, here at the NeS!

[Antestarr]

*Tokyo, being a city that is technologically advanced, yet perpetually stuck in the 80's as far as society goes, has what one would call a "super-sewer". Power, cleaned and treated water, data cables, polyester shirts, and big hair abound down there. Needless to say, more than one hidden office lay beneath the surface of the bustling city. It is in such an office that Ante now sits, in a video conference with his "associates".*

Ante: Nigel! Signet! What is the meaning of this?! How could you lose him?!

Nigel: Well, you see, we thought we could trust all our black ops men...

Ante: Jeez... ok, odds are that if he was taken by one of our rivals, he's already dead. But that doesn't matter. Like I said back on page 2, I don't care how you get him, so long as his body is intact. We will have to resort to plan beta4, though.

Nigel and Signet: We'll get right on it, sir.

Ante: And make sure you get him to the processing center yourselves. All the people there are under my behavior modification, so once inside, we'll have no more problems. And if we do, then we're off to the "Castro" plan.

Signet: Yes sir. I certainly do not want to experience what a cigar put there feels like!

Ante: Good. I hope to hear good news in the future.

It seems that one of our writers has not been feeling very funny lately and has instead opted to add a bit of a "darker" plot to the story. What will happen next? Will the suspense build, or will other writers come along to change these "dark" plans? Find out next time...

[Cave_Demon]

"Oh, god... what the hell have i done?" He thought as his hovercraft flew through Canyon oasis. The hovercraft stopped before a fuel station, Cave_Demon stepped out and took a deep breath.
"Canyon oasis fuel station" he said. He had the nasty look on his face.
Cave_Demon walked in the fuel station, punched the owner and took all the money. the owner tried to reach his Disc thrower, but Cave_Demon was faster. Cave_Demon pulled out the infamous KAZABOOMER mark IV and KAZABOOMed the owner.
"Crap!" Cave_Demon said. Blood had flown all over his pants. "Crap i say! My new pants!"
The nasty seahog burrie walked in the fuel station, he was about to vomit when he saw the owner. Cave_Demon pointed at the seahog with his KAZABOOMER mark IV, seahog started screaming.
"Who are you?" Cave_Demon asked.
"A nasty seahog" said seahog.
"I'm sorry but i have to kill you" Cavey said.
Cave_Demon loaded his KAZABOOMER mark IV...

[Gebohq]

(NSP: Alright, an ACTUAL story post this time by me. And perhaps work with some odd confliction dealing with the perfect level...)

At the gates of the Perfect Level...

TLTE: Anyday now...

*Enchilada man walks by, looks upon him, and laughs at his misery. He then walks away.*

TLTE: Dangit.

Morris: Foo, whatcha doin' getting yourself in such a position?

TLTE: Hey, it's you again! Help me off from here, cat. Er, please?

Morris: How about I use you as a scratching post?

TLTE: Hey, that's not cool, comrade.

Morris: Yeah, well it wasn't cool getting invited to the taco party you all had either.

TLTE: http://forums.massassi.net/html/frown.gif

Morris: Oh alright, just don't give me that face...*grumble* Underused character, saving someone once again...

TLTE: I'll have to have a word with those guys later...
-------------------------------------
Meanwhile...

Geb: EGAD! A cheap Canyon Oasis level! We must pass through quickly!

Gettle: Darn it all, we can never stop to have a little fun!

Otter: Yeah, pit stops are our friend...

Cooked Haggis: Such poor craftsmanship and originality. A typical sign of multiplayer levels...

JorBo: Hey look! There's some demon guy over there wielding a rather unfriendly looking weapon.

J-bob: Is it the Canadian-ruling demon kind, or the cave-dwelling demon kind?

MZZT: I'd have to say the latter, seeing how he doesn't have that friendly look about him.

J-Bob: Yeah--hey, were have you been lately?

MZZT: Er, traveling by plot-hole to deliver hard blows to Gates?

Geb: Hey now, MZZT! I don't want to hear about what you do in private!

MZZT: But that's not what I--

Geb: Crap on a stick! The cave demon saw us! Duck!

JorBo: Duck? Where?
--------------------------------------------
On another parallel sub-plot to mostly confuse everyone...

PM: So what did I miss?

Maybe: Just a bunch of boring traveling by undisclosed transportation methods--hey, where've you been?

PM: Making Gates fall and pay for what he did to all of us.

Losien: All of us? He told me that I was special to him though!

McLongname: Losien!

Losien: What? How else did you think I was going to make five grand?

Masetto: SO...who's up for a song?

A dead silence hangs in the air.

Masetto: Er...yeah. I'll just read my book then.

Masetto continues reading his book, also undisclosed due to sudden interests in anonymity.

Lt. Randy: Man, I sure hope we don't run into any problems when we reach Darkside's stronghold, like cheap "super-bad guys from all of history" or "specially designed forces aimed at eliminating heroes".

Semievil: Oh please! We're hereos! We won't run into anything like that!

Krig: Krig getting flashbacks of other stories Krig been in...

What will The Last True Hero say to the hereos that forgot about him and left off for Switzerland without him? Will Morris play any part of this in the future? Who is this Cave_Demon, and what does he want? Will the two groups of heroes meet up with each other before reaching Darkside's stronghold? Is this part merely a guideline for the other writers to think about when writing THEIR posts? Find out, after I beat the crap out of this "booming voice" guy...
-------------------------
~Geb

[This message has been edited by Gebohq (edited December 15, 2001).]

[JorBo]

JorBo: I don't see any duck.

The Cave Demon charges the group of heros while JorBo goes in serch of the duck.

JorBo: Here ducky ducky ducky.


Will the demon distroy our heros?
Will JorBo find the duck? Why do we have to put questions at the end of our posts?

[Janitor Bob]

*As torrents of rain ominously pour down, in the midst of ominous white flashes of lightning, and the ominous reverberation of ominous thunder, the camouflage jeep filled with a den of diabolical deadly dictators dares to drive despite the deadly dead of darkness. *

Phil: That’s got to be one of the worst things about the amoral life of an evil villain. Ominous adverse weather conditions follow you everywhere you go.

Fidel: Yes, that is a sideeffect, although the painful sensation of ignoring every twinge of guilt or conscience while the sickening decomposition of your morality eats through your very soul is pretty bad too.

Phil: Yeah, I can see that being a problem

Hitler: Fidel, you foolish, foolish, man. You should have sold your soul when it was still worth something.

Phil: Can you guy’s give me one good reason why I’m taking you guy’s to Switzerland?

Fidel: Because I have a Colt-45 pressed to the back of your spinal cord.

Phil: Ah. I forgot how persuasive a good dictator can be.

Pol Pot: Are we there yet?

Phil: Nope not yet.

Fidel: As a question of curiosity, Phillip, when will we ‘be there’.

Phil: Uh… let’s check my map… Lithuania is… here… Taiwan is… here… the Soviet Union is here, we should be just North of the Ottoman Empire, the moon is… here…

Pol Pot *pointing to map*: I think were kinda by that large sea monster in the middle…

Hitler: *Checking map* Uh… are those Elf Runes, or simply Ink Stains?

Fidel: Idiots! You’re holding the map upside down!

*Worriedly, Phil peers out of the trucks muddy window. All he sees are black wind-swept rock formations, rolling fields of alfalfa, and a bent green sign that says: Wall Drug. 1500 miles*

Phil: You know, I think we need to uh… orient ourselves post-haste.

*Phil said this, as opposed to the usual “OH, NO! WE’RE LOST! I WANT MY MOMMY!” for the benefit of Fidel’s Colt 45*

Fidel: None the less, here comes another car. We’ll simply inquire about our present location.

Hitler: What! Real resurrected amoral villains don’t ask for directions.

Fidel: Get with it Hitler. This is the modern age. We’ve been liberated. Sensitive Villains are the ‘in’ thing now..

Pol Pot: Does this mean it’s ‘okay’ for villanious scum to cry, also.

Fidel: Sure. When my nuclear weapon plot was defeated by a group of Marvel Comic Book characters, I was sobbing…

*The other car, and SUV with a pink and yellow paint job, pulled alongside the stopped Jeep. The Antennae had a MADD ribbon on it, and the back bumper stickers saying things like, Child on Board, ‘Soccer Mom’ and ‘I’m a Proud Parent of a Salk Honor Student’ The Window rolled down, and who stuck their head out of it but…*

Fidel: Satan! Fancy meeting you here. What’s with the vehicle?

Satan: Well, it’s a long story, but after our M-1 tank broke down, kind ol’ Mrs. McFeeney, bless her soul, let me borrow this Van. Quite nice, to tell the truth, although Stalin keeps complaining about having to use the car seat. But more about that later, you’re heading for Switzerland, right?

Phil: Actually, we’re not quite sur-

Fidel: Yes.

Satan: Good. We lost our way a few miles back, and was wondering if you knew where it was?

Ah! So it seems that Satan, Fidel, Hitler, Pol Pot, Stalin, and Phil, have gotten themselves into a little pickle. Will they ever find there way to Switzerland? Can Switzerland be reached by automobile, anyway? Find out Next time on the NeverEnding Story: Pol Pot’s Big Day Out

[Gebohq]

...oh yeah. Burby 00 is with the villanous bunch as well.

Uh...so keep reading then! I'll jsut slip back out here...

[Gettleburger]

Meanwhile, the evil villains gain a new, evil villain *evil music*

Keyboarding teacher: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!!!! WHAT IS THAT!!!

Satan: OW! You just sat on my tail(why did i put chair there?!?! LOL) you little *censored*

Key. Teacher: Why you little ...!!!

Satan: OOOHhhh!! What are you gonna do huh?

*keyboarding teacher proceeds to smash a computer moniter onto satans head*

Satan: I see your..point...*groan*

Meanwhile...meanwhile..meanwhile?!?! -_-

Something else happens...i just finished my keyboarding exam! http://forums.massassi.net/html/biggrin.gif

------------------
&lt;Rob&gt; Sometimes I think the support dudes go and play netgames when they are helping you.

[This message has been edited by Gettleburger (edited December 22, 2001).]

[Gebohq]

Satan: A-S-D-F...J-K-L-P--

keyboarding teacher: FINGERS ON THE HOMEROW KEYS! And Stop looking at the keyboard!

Satan: Gee, do you have to be so mean about it? I mean, it's so hard...

Burby 00: I managed to pass it with 69 WPM!

Satan: Shut up...

*sigh* Reaching new lows by every post...

[Gettleburger]

(NSP: bty, I can type at 80wpm+ http://forums.massassi.net/html/smile.gif

------------------
&lt;Rob&gt; Sometimes I think the support dudes go and play netgames when they are helping you.

[JorBo]

B.U.M.P.

[Antestarr]

NSP:
*Theoretical Being Ante looks at the date of the last post with any actual content involving something even remotely relating to the story.*

TBA: Hmm... Dec 19th... wasn't that the day... OH MY GOD!

*Theoretical Being Ante runs to the local movie theater.*

TBA: I demand that you stop showing that film in all locations this very instant!

Theater Attendant: Umm... why?

TBA: Because! Your mind-numbing entertainment with your fancy computer graphics and your washed up child actors who are struggling for careers have taken away the will to, nay the very ability of our writers to create of their own free will.

TA: But we make lots of money!

TBA: Bah! I see I cannot get through to you... I'll have to take this to a higher authority... but whom...

*As Theoretical Being Ante ponders this conundrum, he keeps on telling himself that his reaction is not bitterness at the fact that he has not been invited to see said film with anyone else and refuses to see it by himself.*

[Antestarr]

Another NSP:

You know, it's pretty sad when the content of your sig is larger than the content of your post...

------------------
"Wow! You got anime on DVD! I'll rent this one." Customer rents DVD anime. Customer leaves. Customer returns. "It doesn't work on my PlayStation."

"You have a PlayStation 2?"

"No, just a PlayStation."

"Uhm, it won't work that way. It can't handle reading the DVD's."

"Sell me the add-on that will make it work."

"Uhm, that's a Video-CD add on. Video CD's are not DVD's."

"Then why didn't you tell me it wouldn't work?"

"It just never occurred to me to tell you how your own equipment works."
Taken from the Acts of Gord.

~Antestarr

[Gebohq]

(NSP: A NeS Christmas special!)

Semievil the writer, before dashing away with the other writers in their annual Christmas party aka "reason not to have to write for this wretched excuse for a story" as some of them called it, posted one last post, being inspired by the remenants of the Arc he once sailed...
----------------------------------
In the realm of the story, our heroes continue towards Darkside's stronghold in Switzerland, when but all things they should run across...

Sem: Look! The sleigh that Krig shot down back on page twenty-something!

Maybe: Who excatly has been leading us to Switzerland?

Krig can be seen, examining the map, upside down. He takes a moment to scratch a bit under his helmet.

Krig: *noise of question* Ah. Krig's helmet tells him that Helmet of Halibut be here as well.

Geb: Where?

Krig points to a point nearby in the snow.

Cooked: Uh, Geb? What are we doing again?

Geb: Procrastinating the inevitable in facing possibley the strongest, most evil force known in existance.

Cooked: Ah, you put it so well.

Gebohq walks to the point Krig gestured towards, and picked up the Helmet of Halibut.

Sem: Inspiration has struck me! With the sleigh, we can take the helmet, bless it, and then spread joy throughout by giving the presents to the children of the world.

Geb: Inspiration has struck me! With the sleigh, we can take the helmet, bless it, and then spread joy throughout by giving the presents to the children of the world. And then get laid!

MZZT: Sounds like a plan!

Everyone else: Yeah!

Sem: Hey, I jsut said that!

Masetto: Hehe, they said "spread"...

With high goals set, the heroes all jump into the sleigh, head for the Vatican City, and bless the helmet, making it the HOLY helmet of Halibut (HHH). Then, all in one night, they delivered all the presents to the kids in the world (and they said that sort of thing could only be done in porn movies--er...)

Needless to say, the REAL Santa, finding out that someone beat him to the punch, was rather upset. And thus, Santa began his quest to reclaim his title...

Will our heroes, with such transportation, be able to (or want to) reach Darkside's stronghold before it's too late? Can the HHH smite evil, now that it is holy? Can it smite even the powerful Darkside? Will Santa find our heroes, and challange them to a fight of the century of the week? These questions to be answered in the next post of The Neverending Story Thread! ...oh wait, this is the Christmas special. Sorry kids, no guarrentee from your favorite narrator this time. Until next time then, Meeeeeery Christmaaaass!(ho ho ho...)

[Highemperor of the Force]

*in the Vatican, the pope is sitting on his majestic seat in majestic, er, majesty*

Pope: Where's my hat?

Priest: You mean that ridiculous and goofy hat that all popes wear to accentuate their silliness and hide their baldness?

Pope: *annoyed* Yeah, that one.

Priest: I think you gave it to those heroes who just stopped by.

Pope: No, I gave 'em the Holy Helmet of Halibut.

Priest: *points* Then what is that on your head?

Pope: HOLY CRUD! It's the Holy Helmet of Halibut! I musta given them my hat by mistake!

Priest: No. *digs finger into Pope's nose* THAT'S holy crud.

Pope: EWWWW!!! *smites priest with holy lightning* Hey, I could get used to this smiting thing. *starts smiting buildings in the Vatican and sings* Here a smite, there a smite, everywhere a smite, smite. . .

*Thus we leave our sadly misguided pope and return to Darkside's stronghold in Switzerland*

Darkside: I feel the power of Lightside infusing this world. But that cannot be!

Lackey #1093: Sir, it can be, for this is Christmas Eve, and on Christmas, the power of good is strongest.

Darkside: UNHOLY CRUD!

Lackey #1093: No. *puts finger into Darkside's nose* THAT'S unholy crud.

Darkside: EWWWW!!! *smites Lackey #1093 with unholy lightning* Now, THIS is the life.

*We leave our gleefully sadistic villain over all villains and villainous villainy in his dark stronghold in Switzerland and return to the Vatican*

Highemperor: Now, O Pope, please give me your blessing that I may attain the Power of God and become Ultimate Power.

Pope: Um, say again?

Highemperor: Er, bless me, Father. *crosses himself*

Pope: Oh, er, I would, but, uh, I already gave my blessing to the Helmet of Halibut.

Highemperor: WHAT? Where is it now?

Pope: Heading toward Switzerland.

*We return to our heroes*

Geb: I can't see a thing in this snow! Where are we, anyway?

Krig: Me no know.

Highemperor: Excuse me, but have you seen a Holy Helmet of Halibut around here?

Geb: Yes! Er - haven't I seen you before somewhere?

Highemperor: Yes! You're Geb!

Geb: You're Highemp!

*they hug*

(OOC: Sorry, inside joke.)

Highemperor: Anywhos, where's the HHH?

Geb: Right here. *brings out pope's hat*

Krig: THAT not Holy Helmet of Halibut.

Geb: Oh, swell. The pope gave us the wrong head adornment.

Highemperor: I'll say. I just came from the Vatican. Are you saying I have to go back there?

Geb: Why do YOU need to go back there?

Highemperor: Why, to get the Holy Helmet of - er. . .

What does this mean? Are Gebohq and Highemperor working at cross-purposes? Who will reach the Holy Helmet of Halibut first? Will our heroes manage to fight Darkside on Christmas, when the powers of Good are strongest? Find out the answers to all these questions and more, tomorrow, same Bat-time, same Bat-channel!

------------------
Play epic RPGs such as Dark Exile, or duel in the Interdimensional Arena @ The High Citadel (http://pub26.ezboard.com/bhighcitadel)

[Antestarr]

*In Vatican City loomed the great shadow of the ever large Triple H, a professional wrestler. Despite the cold weather and snow on the ground, he wears the standard wrestler speedo, his being black with a green HHH on it, and boots. Stares follow him as he walks up to the Pope.*

Triple H: You there, little old guy! I believe you are in posession of an item of great power that just happens to co-incide with my name. I demand that you hand it over to me before I either go for legal action or just pound you into the floor.

Pope: But... uh... umm... what if I smite you with Holy Lightning?

Triple H: We all know that Holyness cannot affect those of the WWF! Ever since outlawing all "good" and only having varying degrees of evil, we've been given protection from Holy Smiting. It'd be like trying to smite the set of a Soap Opera... it just cannot be done by the natural laws of the world as we write... er... live in it.

Pope: Argh, I see your point. Fine, since I'm no match for you in a physical competition, I must hand the Holy Helmet of Halibut to you...

*Now in posession of the HHH, HHH walked out and aimed himself towards Switzerland.*

Triple H: Now, I believe I have the power to take on those fools who've taken up our rightful Pay Per View space with their non-stop stupidity! The Game... IS ON!

(Editor's Note: "The Game" is one of Triple H's nicknames.)

*Lord, save us... now our story involves "Professional" Wrestling... what other lows are we going to... uh... hey, who're you big guys... OW! That's my arm! I didn't know it could twist that way! Hey! Where are you dragging me?! PleasetuneinnexttimesowecanfindoutifIescape!*

------------------
"Wow! You got anime on DVD! I'll rent this one." Customer rents DVD anime. Customer leaves. Customer returns. "It doesn't work on my PlayStation."

"You have a PlayStation 2?"

"No, just a PlayStation."

"Uhm, it won't work that way. It can't handle reading the DVD's."

"Sell me the add-on that will make it work."

"Uhm, that's a Video-CD add on. Video CD's are not DVD's."

"Then why didn't you tell me it wouldn't work?"

"It just never occurred to me to tell you how your own equipment works."
Taken from the Acts of Gord.

~Antestarr

[Gebohq]

(NSP: Welcome...again, Highemperor. It'll be interesting to see more of your posts. Just make sure to describe your character phsyically in a story post and some point, and what he can do might help as well. Remember that, though probably not used nearly as much, you also have a "writer" character of your own. It'll be interesting to see if you bring back ol' Dark Lancer or not...

Also--dang, we got a continuity with the christmas post I made--as it is though, I can't think of anything, so hopefully one of you guys will. Until then, you'll get a--)

B.U.M.P.

( http://forums.massassi.net/html/smile.gif)

[Janitor Bob]

*Janitor Bob sits on the floor, of a random Canyon Oasis Mod, scrubbing away at the thin layer of dirt that refused to go away. As he sprays a squirt of windex on the brown floor, a tear rolls down his cheek…*

Janitor Bob: It’s just… not fair. All the other heroes get to go to the Perfect Level and I have to stay here and work, work, work. So much for adequate labor distribution.

*Suddenly, there is twinkle in the sky. Slowly the twinkle materializes into… TADAAA! The NES fairy.*

Fairy: Actually, hate to tell you this, but the NES fairy came down with the Chicken Pox. So the United Fairy’s Association substituted me instead. I’m the Fairy’s Godfather.

Bob: Great, first I don’t get to see the perfect level, then I’m approached by the Mafia…

Fairy Godfather: ey, Bob, ah couldn’t help notice ya cryin’. But don’t worry, the Godfatha will make it all betta.

Bob: Uh-oh.

Fairy Godfather: First thing, ya can’t get into the Ball in clothes like that. Where’d ya get that Janitorial Suit? City Municipal Dump?

Bob: Actually it was Value Village, but…

*With a wave of the Fairy Godfather’s magical nightstick, Bob’s Janitorial Suit transforms magically into a brilliant Pink Dress glittering with sequins and lace.*

Bob: Uh… this isn’t right…

Fairy Godfather: Oh, ya. Ma mistake. Wrong color.

*With another wave of the nightstick the pink dress changes into a blue one.*

Fairy Godfather: Let’s see, ya gotta pumpkin on ya. We needa coach.

Bob: Well, what do you know! I’ve got one in my pocket right here! All along! I’ve had it since Halloween, but never gotta chance to throw it away.

Fairy Godfather: Great. Fork it over.

Bob: I was being sarcastic.

Fairy Godfather: Don’t do that to the Godfather. Ya’ll be sorry ya did. Well, you may not have a pumpkin on you , but fortunately , I gotta spare.

*The Godfather pulls out a wilting pumpkin and changes it into a Coach.*

Coach Jones: GET YOUR ACT TOGETHER BOB! GET DOWN ON THAT DIRTY FLOOR AND GIVE ME FORTY! NOW! YOU MAGGOT RIDDEN EXCUSE FOR PRIMORDIAL OOZE.

Bob: Eep.

Fairy Godfather: We’ll need some horses too. All I have is a bunch of severed horse heads. Useless, except for the fun puppet show every now and then. We’ll need to magically execute some more Animorphic transformations.

Bob *With an indignant look in his face*: You’re not touching my Hamster
Fairy Godfather: Tough. It’s either yer Hamster or…

*Suddenly, a cute little mouse dashes across the Canyon floor. The Fairy Godfather traps the tail with his foot, and readies his magic nightstick. But before he can do anything, a mangy black cat leaps across the air with a snarl on his lips. It chomps upon the mouse with its bloodied teeth, and gulps it down.*

Fairy Godfather: Guess this’ll suffice as well.

*The cat spins in the air as magical glowing glittery sparkly power stuff surrounds it and pulsates through it. The cat hickups a couple times, and then stretches, skews, and with an audible popping sound, turns into a brilliant white stallion, complete with a groomed mane laced with ribbons and golden stirrups*

Morris the Ca… er Horse: Curse the villians!

Fairy Godfather: Most Excellent. You are now fit for the Ball. Just…

Janitor Bob: Ball…? What Ball? And why am I wearing a blue dress! I’m trying to get to the perfect level!

Fairy Godfather: Mama-Mia! So that’s what yer were crying ya head off fer. That can be easily fixed. Just a wave of my magic nightstick, and you’ll be there.

Janitor Bob *looking up from reading the previous posts that he had skipped*: I thought the perfect level had been destroyed forever.

Fairy Godfather *Ominously*: That Plot Hole has been… dealt with.

Janitor Bob: How?

Fairy Godfather: The creator had created a backup copy on a floppy disk. Albeit an older version, but still embodying the perfection that only the Perfect Level can embody.

*The Godfather waves his nightstick one last time. Bob shimmers several times, like a bad TV picture and then disappears with a Checkerboard special effect.*

Fairy Godfather: Bah! The fool left his Janitorial Boot lying about.

-------------------

*Bob’s head spun. He felt like the time he had ridden the Teeter-Spinny-Tilta-Wirly-Swirly-Ride-of-Death™ at the carnival after eating two corndogs, two milkshakes, and a great deal of marshmallow Cotton Candy. He felt like the Christmas where he had eaten the carton of eggnog that was leftover from the previous Christmas (It wasn’t supposed to be green colored Eggnog after all) He felt like the time he had had that Tambourine Accident.*

Janitor Bob: Ow. The pain of a respawning

*The first thing Bob sees is an incredibly ugly yellow text. Blocky, small, and unattractive. It seemed to say “JANITOR_BOB has entered the game”*

*The next thing Bob sees makes his heart jump. It is the Level. The Perfect Level. Focusing… slowly, suddenly there. Before his very eyes. He takes the beauty in at a slow deliberate pace, one thing at a time. Symmetry. Beautiful symmetry. Perfectly straight Sun-colored lines stretching into the distance, halting only at a perfect right angle of a perfectly straight wall. These strings were blazen against a cloud gray background, reminiscent of a comforting winter day sky, with a fire burning near, warming your body dressed in warm snug sweaters, with a hot mug of tea steaming into the air. The yellow symbolized Passion. The gray serenity. And these lines criss-crossed at perfect angles, forming hundreds of startling yellow frames encompassing a comfortingly drab picture. Though the angles were perfect, some how, they were not sharp. They merged together with a soft pacifying edged. Justice. Tempered by Mercy. Pain. Tempered by Comfort. Perfection. Tempered by humility. Yellow. Tempered by Gray. And in this time of violence, chaos, and unpredictability, this glorious pattern remained tranquil; the same; for the entire incredible… perfect… level. Yes, even the very shape of the level emodied perfection. It was not a boring cube, nay, nor was it a hackneyed ‘Golden Rectangle’ rather it was a precisely thought out combination of the two. One room. One Glory. One Perfect Level. And scattered thoughtfully on the patterned floor of the level lay… power itself. As much as two spinning, shining, implements. Rectangular messengers of death. Conc rifles to warn the journeyman that no one was safe. Bob’s mouth hangs agape. He shakes his head incredulously. He knew what heaven looked like. And somehow, suddenly he knew the Levels true name. “TEH KILLA DFLT CONK BOX O’ DEATH 1!1!”*

*Suddenly, Bob realizes that he was not alone. Maybe it was some remnant of Janitorial Intuition, passed down from his ancestors, when Janitors were still a powerful force, before the Janitorial Purge. Maybe it was Bob’s keen, perceptive, senses, that could notice any suspicious change in sound, sight, heat, humidity, or barometric pressure. Or maybe it was the fact that the yellow words, “INTRUDER345 has entered the game” hung before his eyes. But whatever it was Bob slowly turned around to face the danger. Silhouetted against the patterned background… holding a concussion rifle in each hand… is…*

*… a big surprise*


A so the beauty of the perfect level is revealed it last. And Morris has been turned into… a horse? Who is this mysterious intruder? Where have we obviously seen him before? How did he get into the level? Can even Janitor Bob explain away all these plot holes? Find out next time on the NeverEnding Story Thread: May the Horse be with You


------------------
"Ah, but who's the greater fool? The fool, or the foolish fool who get's fooled by the fool who's foolisher than the foolish fool?"

-Janitor Bob(Salk Wars)

[Semievil333]

INTRUDER345: "Hello, Bob. I am Jim. Curator of the Holy Dark-Gray."

Bob: "Jim... the name sounds familiar. And somehow that Conc-rifle doesn't seem right with you holding it."

LRYT (Low Resolution Yellow Text): "Tim has entered the game."

Tim: "Hello, Bob. I am Tim. Curator of the Holy Light-Gray."

Bob: "Jim? Tim? Gray? THE DUCT-TAPE GUYS!!! OMG, This IS the perfect level!"

Suddenly, Jim smashes his Conc-rifle open and removes two rolls of Duct-Tape and two cans of WD-40. He solemnly passes one of each to Tim.

Jim and Tim: "Yes Bob, this level shall be perfect- but not yet. First, we must glorify it with the Gray."

This said, The Duct-Tape Guys set about wrapping the whole interior of the level in Duct-Tape and spraying it down with WD-40. As Bob begins to slide around on the floor, trying unsuccesfully to grapple onto the slcik surfaces, The Duct-Tape guys finish the last corner.

Jim: "Well, our work here is done."

Tim: "And what a fine bit of work it is too."

Jim: "What now, Tim?"

Tim: "Let's go fix the pope's hat in Rome."

Jim: "Good idea, Tim! And remember kids,"

Tim: "It's not broke- it just lacks Duct-Tape!"

-----------------------

Later, in the Vatican...

Pope John Paul the Second (J2P2): "Thank you Jim and Tim, now that I have this Holy Hat of Duct-Tape, I can once again rule the world!"

Jim and Tim: "Uhhhh....."

J2P2: "Oops... Did I say rule the world?"

What new villany is this? The J2P2 is after world domination too? And corrupting Duct-Tape to his own evil purposes! Is the HHH in the possesion of HHH any match for the HHDT? Was HHH realy in league with the HHDT-wearing J2P2 all along? Could anything stop the combined power of the HHH and the HHDT? Is anyone else getting really confused by all these "H"'s? Tune in next time, same Duct-time, same Duct-channel!

[This message has been edited by Semievil333 (edited December 28, 2001).]

[Semievil333]

Gratuitous 1100'th post

------------------
The early bird may get the worm-
but it's the second mouse who gets the cheeze.

Omnia quae specto dominavi, et tantam magnus sum, ut non specto!

[Gebohq]

J-bob: How beautiful...if only I could stand now...

booming voice: THE PERFECT LEVEL, AT LAST!

J-Bob: Who are you?

booming voice: THE ONE WHO SENT JORBO TO SEEK WHAT YOU HAVE FOUND.

J-bob: Um, that's nice, but that really didn't answer my question.

booming voice: Uhhhh...*cough* I AM THE GOD OF GODS!

J-bob: Waaait a minute. God of gods, eh?

Janitor Bob hits the tab bar, to reveal and confirm what he has surmised.

J-bob: You're JM!

DUM-DUM-DUUUUUUUUUM!

JM: That's right, custodial master. You figured me out.

J-bob: But why?

JM: I'll tell you why!--...no wait. I forgot.

J-bob: Right. You think maybe you could, uh...get me out of here? My friends are probably going to miss me and all.

JM: Wha-? Oh yeah. I suppose I filled my obligitory "tie-in with earlier posts" deal.

LRYT: Server has exited the game...

More gratuitous, senseless tie-ins! What does JM have to do with the prefect level? Does it matter anymore? Where will Janitor Bob find himself next? Tune in, and hope you get a better post, here on The Neverending Story Thread!

[DX Generation]

And they lived happily every after.

------------------
Welcome to Generation X

[Janitor Bob]

Except for DX Generation, of course. His thoughts, his dreams, every moment of his miserable existence was plagued by the guilt... the knowledge... that HE had tried to cut short a Thread never meant to end.

He had failed, of course, but his intentions disgusted him. He would never forget. Though he tried to... he tried to...

------------------
"Ah, but who's the greater fool? The fool, or the foolish fool who get's fooled by the fool who's foolisher than the foolish fool?"

-Janitor Bob(Salk Wars)

[Janitor Bob]

*Slowly, the Suburban stuffed with scoundrels saunters through the slippery soaked streets.*

Fidel: I told you! Guam is this way!

Pol Pot: FOOLS! I’LL DESTROY YOU ALL.

*With a sigh, Satan realized that once again, he would have to mediate.*

Satan: Hey. Let’s just calm down and ask this Female Pedestrian who just happens to be walking by.

Stalin: HEY! Female Pedestrian! Where are we?

Losien *From under a Rain Slicker*: South Dakota!

Phil: Crud! I knew I shouldn’t have made that turn at Stonehenge.

Fidel: Well, Ms. Do you know how to get to Switzerland from here?

Losien: Sure! Just drive two miles south, till you hit Walgreens, then turn left three times on Ash and Maple, drive south for 7 blocks till you pass the McDonalds on 35th Street. You should be at the Knoxville bridge… are you writing this down?

Phil: Uh… we have a map. Maybe you should just point out a course for us.

*Phil hands the old, weathered map to Losien. Losien peers at it for a couple seconds in the rain.*

Losien: Hey! I recognize this map. It was in the Lord of the Rings boxed set!

Phil: Crud.

Fidel *Whispering amongst themselves*: Listen. We need a personal tour guide. We’ve got to get her to join us.

Hitler: Ooh! I’ve got a good idea.

*Hitler turns and yells out the window*

Hitler: Hey, little girl. Want some… candy?

Losien: No… that’s okay. I really shouldn’t.

Hitler: It’s… chocolate.

Losien: Then again…

Hitler: Swiss Chocolate.

Losien: Well, I really like candy.

Fidel: Hitler, you idiot. You can’t do it that way.

Losien: But then again, I’ve been trying to watch my calorie intake.

Phil: Uh… maybe we should just ask her politely instead.

Pol Pot: YAAA! LIKE WITH AN M-16!
Losien: But then again, I’ve heard that chocolate is actually for you…

Satan: YOU FOOL! Join with us, the POWERS of DARKNESS and EVIL, or be subjected to the eternal FLAME of PAIN!

Losien: Does it have almonds? Cuz I hate candy with almonds.

Phil: Ooh. Me too. And coconut. Can’t stand coconut.

Hitler: No! No almonds! Just plain old chocolate!

Losien: [i] Old chocolate?

Hitler: No… not OLD chocolate. Just regular chocolate. No additives!

Satan: Idiots. The hour grows late, and the darkness is fading.

Stalin: Yeah. And were running out of time too.

Losien: Well, I guess there’s only one way to decide. Eeenie, Meenie, Mynie, Moe…

*Suddenly, a computer keyboard hurls through the air at a rate of 35 WPM, knocking Losien unconscious. Gettleburger’s Keyboarding teacher pursed her lips together in a tightlipped half-smile*

Keyboarding Teacher: Quick. Get her in here, and tie her up with this computer cable before she comes to.

Uh-oh Spaghetti-O! Losien was abducted by audacious autocrats and apperceiving aimless alliteration! What will happen? Find out, just maybe, on a later installment of: The Never-Ending Story: When White Wooly Wampas Wash Windows With Windex!


------------------
"Ah, but who's the greater fool? The fool, or the foolish fool who get's fooled by the fool who's foolisher than the foolish fool?"

-Janitor Bob(Salk Wars)

[Janitor Bob]

*Somewhere dark and foreboding on a black craggy mountain of Switzerland.*

*A twisted fortress/castle thingy rises is gruesomely silhouetted against the horizon. Two twin stone Gargoyles sit cross legged on the towers, as if peering out for any intruders. The black basalt walls of the castle are caked in oozing slime, thick layers of demon phlegm, and leftover holiday eggnog. A fork of lighting strikes a nearby mountain, splitting age old layers of rock in two, to symbolized the evil gravity of it all*

*The inside is first a maze of labyrinthian passages, with shifting walls, deadly spear traps and the occasional collapsing ceiling just to add a bit of livelyness to it. The area is frequented by killer crocodiles, undead zombies, rabid velociraptors, spitting Llamas, and Cockroaches the size of Rosie O’Donnell.*

*Once one passes the maze they will find themselves in a huge chamber, with precarious metal platforms, hanging by frayed wire, over a steaming vat of molten lava. In the middle of this chamber rises a stone column, holding up a jagged stone pedestal, which is topped with a rocking chair. (K-mart was all out of demonic thrones)*

*A fortress like this could only have one name.*

*The Forbidden Fortress of Forbiddeness*

*Unfortunately, that was already taken so we had to go with…*

*the…*

*Lighting flashes, and the Narrator starts yelling.*

* Killer Castle of Ominousness™

*The Original Last True Evil slash Darkside, rocked back in his Rocking Chair, musing. Every once in a while he would say something like, “Yesssssss.”, “Indeeeed.” “EXCELLENT” “THE FOOLS!” and of course, everybody’s favorite: “MWAHAHAHA!”*

*OLTE/D nods as an elevator takes the other dictators up to the rocky pedestal.*

OLTE/D: EXCELLENT. You have finally arrived. I was worried that you would get lost.

Fidel *Modestly*: Well, you know, Comrade. With our directional skills the most confusing terrain is rendered elementary, the most complicated path is simple, the…

Phil: Actually, we did get lost, but thanks to Losien here, we’ve found our way.

*The villains finger their weapons angrily*

Losien: Yeah, thanks Phil. Well, you guy’s have all been great. But I’ve got to go, now. See ya!

*Losien gives a little wave, and starts walking away*

*All the villains pull out their massive guns (except for the Keyboarding Teacher who pulls out a licensed copy of Mavis Beacon Teaches Typing 8, which is just as dangerous, possibly more) and point them at Losien’s head.*

Losien: Now that you, mention it, I might be able to stick around for a couple minute or two more.

*Suddenly, a haggard Bill Gates bursts into the room, a stream of toilet paper trailing behind him.*

Gates: Sorry, I’m late. Did you know that your bathroom has Crocodiles in it?

OLTE/D *Sarcastically* : I hadn’t noticed.

Gates: Well, the bugger got a hold of my tie, but I saved myself only by stuffing a copy of Windows XP into it’s gaping mouth. I think I killed it.

OLTE/D: Well, well, the gangs all here! Wait. Where’s Burby00?

Satan: Oh! Right here.

*Satan reaches into a shopping bag and pulls out a frazzled Burby00. A seam goes down Burby’s middle, but it is sown up with shoelace, like a furry football. Periodically, sparks fly out of Burby’s ear.*

Fidel: Burby ran into a bit of nasty business with a Axe and a viking. But Pol Pot was able to solder him back together pretty thoroughly.

Burby00: Weeka Ook Backa Seeka Alde La Syne?

Fidel: Unfortunately, he no longer speaks English. He speaks a language I’ve affectionally dubbed, “Burbish”.

Satan: Uh… Mr. Original Last True Evil Slash Darkside? Question.

OLTE/D: Yes?

Satan: Now that we’ve taken over Switzerland, what do we do? It’s kinda an adrenaline letdown.

OLTE/D: Glad you asked, Satan. Well, taking over Switzerland was only the first step in the MASTER PLAN! MWAHAHAAHA

Other Villians, Collectively: MWAHAHAHAHA.

Losien: I don’t get it. What’s so funny?

Phil: It’s an Evil Villain thing. Never did understand it.

OLTE/D: Switzerland is merely the resting place for my Killer Castle of Ominousness™

Fidel: Well, Crocodile infested Lava pits are nice, but no payoff for an escapade…

OLTE/D: … Which holds the following weapon of Mass Destruction. William! The Curtain.

*Bill Gates presses a button.*

*Nothing Happens*

OLTE/D: Bah! I’ll have to do it manually.

*OLTE/D pulls on a massive robe, pulling aside a whole section of wall. Another chamber, the size of the Arena™ is revealed. But taking up the entire chamber is a massive spherical black object.*

Fidel: It’s…

Pol: IT’S…

Hitler: It’s…

Keyboarding Teacher: Is’t

Burby00: Greebo, Steeky, Snifty wakka.

Phil: THE JOLLY GREEN GIANTS BOWLING BALL!

OLTE/D: No. That’s no bowling ball. There’s no holes. A Bowling ball has to have holes. Look closer.

*The Camera zoomes in on the top of the sphere showing a long thick rope leading to the top.*

OLTE/D: I call it… The Really Big Bomb. With it, we, together, shall BLOW UP THE WORLD!

Villians: YAAAAY! Blow up the world!

Losien: Uh… hate to be a party pooper, but… this might have already been mentioned… aren’t we in the world?

Satan: Your point?

Losien: Well, blowing up the world would blow up you guys with it.

OLTE/D: Details do not concern me.

Losien: Uh-oh.

*Suddenly another enters the room. An old friend of Losien’s*

Losien: Dave the sound guy! He’s come to save me!

Dave: Actually, I’ve come to light the fuse.

Losien: Now Dave. You’ve turned evil. What do you have to say for yourself.

Dave: Happy New Year?

Satan: Let the festivities commence.

*Dave walks up to the Bomb and takes out a disposable Bic lighter.*

*Suddenly, the back door flies open.*

*A little fanfare plays.*

*The Villians stop turn and see…*

Pizza Delivery Boy: You guys ordered Stuffed Cheese with Anchovies?

OLTE/D: No.

Pizza Delivery Boy: This is 6665 North Maplewood?

OLTE/D: No… this is 6666 North Maplewood. You want the little quaint cottage next door.

Pizza Deliver Boy: Bummer. Does this mean I don’t get a tip
*Gates tosses the Delivery man a wad of cash that has the net worth of Rhode Island.*

Satan *Whispering to OLTE*: I’m hungry.

OLTE: Wait! Come back here. We’re taking you hostage too. Your pizza belongs to us.

*The villains tie Losien, Phil, and the Delivery man up to a post with barbed wire.*

*Joe the sound guy, flicks on his butane lighter, the yellow-orange flame casting a haunting flickering glow over his face. He brings the lighter to the fuse*

*The Delivery Boy, seeing the world coming to and end, and a fair maiden in distress, immediately tries to pick up on her.*

Delivery Boy: Wanna see my Tattoo?

OLTE/D: Okay, Joe. Let’s show these three what “BWAHAHA” really means.

Must… get… sleep… Next time. On Nes: The Bomb that Bombed.


------------------
"Ah, but who's the greater fool? The fool, or the foolish fool who get's fooled by the fool who's foolisher than the foolish fool?"

-Janitor Bob(Salk Wars)

[This message has been edited by Janitor Bob (edited January 01, 2002).]

[Darth_Mult]

(how long did it take to type all that)

[Highemperor of the Force]

*On a dark and stormy night. . .*

Lawyer: Excuse me, sir, but we will have to sue you if you continue ripping off cliches like that.

*Ah, dangit! Let's try again.*

*On a dark and stormy day. . .*

(Lawyer: Better, thanks.)

Geb: Just what do YOU want with the HHH?

Highemp: I, uh. . . *mumbles something that sounds suspiciously like, "want to take over the world"*

Geb: What was that?

Highemp: Um. . . I want to bake a - er, what rhymes with world?

Krig: Huh? Me head hurt.

HHH: Ha! I have what you seek right here!

Geb: Since when does the Holy Helmet of Halibut talk?

HHH: I'm the wrestler HHH!

Geb: Oh.

HHH: And I have the HHH right here!

Krig: You ARE HHH.

HHH: Yes, and I also have the HHH!

Highemp: Now, MY head hurts.

*In the Killer Castle of Ominousness*

OLTE/Darkside: Let the bombing begin!

Sound guy: *lights the bomb's fuse*

Bomb: Tick, tick, tick, tick, *cough*

Satan: Since when does a bomb cough?

Bomb: Hey, bub, but YOU'RE not the one who has to say "tick" all day long.

Satan: Erm, riiiiiight.

Bomb: Tick, tick, tick. . .

*Back to our heroes*

Krig: *standing over smitten wrestler HHH* Now we have Holy Helmet of Halibut again. *kisses axe* Me love you, axe!

Geb: Thanks, Krig! Teh HHH is ours again!

Highemp: "Teh"?

Geb: Oh, no! It's the dreaded Typo monster, evilest of all evil evils!

Krig: Wear? Mee know sea any monnster.

Highemp: Its geting klose, becuz wee can feel it's affects!

*In the Killer Castle of Ominousness*

Bomb: Tick, tick, tick. . .

Fidel: Is it just me, comrade, or is this taking an interminably long time?

OLTE/Darkside: *roused from stupor* Huh, what? Oh, yes, it has been a while. But you know what they say: good things come to those who wait!

Burby00: Zeeka wot meen.

Pot: WHAT did he say?

Keyboarding Teacher: He said, "I thought we wanted bad things."

Pot: Oh.

OLTE/Darkside: Erm, well, I suppose we do. But anywhos. . .

*Suddenly the door into the Killer Castle of Ominousness slams open, revealing. . .*

All Villains: Teh TIPO MONNSTERR!

Typo Monster: Tkhadlkjj;erjlkalksjdflkajfoieuru19878237047891239 04!@#$@#0(&*

OLTE/Darkside: Wut?

Satan: Az teh Tipo monnsterr, hee speeks inn awl tipos, but I tihnk hee sed (Narrator's Note: All subsequent dialogue has been translated from typo-itis into English so as to avoid confusion to the reader) that he is the most powerful being in the cosmos, and the most evil, but Highemp's evil twin, the demon HighImp, led an army of ten hundred thousand million billion trillion quadrillion quintillion sextillion septillion octillion nonillion demons against him, which was just enough to overcome him, and that HighImp wants to control him for his own purposes, to take over the universe! *gasp for breath* Whew, what a mouthful!

Bomb: Hey, have y'all forgotten me?!? Tick, tick, tick, tick. . .

*Outside the Killer Castle of Ominousness*

HighImp: I have tracked the Typo monster here, and now my army of demons will storm the castle and capture his power for me! Bwahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

*Our heroes finally arrive at the Killer Castle of Ominousness*

Geb: Um, is it just me, or did we get here at a bad time?

Oh, no! It's the first post of 2002! Have there really been two years of Neverending Insanity? Who will claim the awesome power of the Typo monster - OLTE/Darkside or HighImp? And what will our heroes do? Will anyone remember the Bomb? Find out next time, in 2002: A Neverending Odyssey!

------------------
Play epic RPGs such as Dark Exile, or duel in the Interdimensional Arena @ The High Citadel (http://pub26.ezboard.com/bhighcitadel)

[Janitor Bob]

*In the Killer Castle of Ominousness*

*The Keyboarding teacher stares intently at her green Apple Computer screen, approaching a record 320 Words Per Minute. Suddenly, she detects a wafting rotten stench, like a 6 month old Orange, or the Apple Juice that Janitor Bob the writer had left in his locker for the entirety of the 7th grade, or even… Janitor Bob the Writer’s running shoes.*

*It was a stench she recognized. A stench from the past. A stench from hell.*

*Slowly, dramatically, her head turns.*

*The Audience can only see the look of horror on her face*

*Slowly the camera pans over, up the massive clawed green feet, past the bloody tattoed torso, and to the horned head of…*

*The camera zooms in on the Monster’s I.D. Tag. It says: Heyllo! Myy nam si: Teh Tipo Monsterr!*

Keyboarding Teacher: No! So. We meet again. My old Archnemisis. But this time, I’m prepared.

*The Keyboarding Teacher ignites her Typing Tutor with a snap-hiss*

Keyboarding Teacher: FEEL THE POWER OF THE HOME ROW!

*The Keyboarding Teacher gives a scream, and vaults over the lava pit, skidding onto the metal platform with the Typo monster on it.*

Typo Monster: RAOR!

*The Typo monster knocks away her typing tutor with a swat of his paw.*

*The Teacher backflips away from the gaping maw of the Typo Monster*

*Suddenly, blue lighting shoots out of the Typo’s Monster fingers, arking threw the ere and electricuting the helpless Teacher.*

*As the Teacher writhes on the ground, electricity running along her teeth she screams*

Typing Teacher: NOOO! I… won’t… misspell a… wurd… NOOOOOO!

*In firey anger the Typing Teacher leaps up 12 feet, flipping through the air. Her Typing Tutor soars through the air and into her outstretched palm. She lands with her two booted feet planted on the Monster’s bloodshot eyes. She starts beating on his forehead with her typing tutor*

Typing Teacher: A… S… D… F… J… K… L… Semicolon!!!! Your posture dissapoints me, Typo Monster

Highemperor: Furled! That’s it. Furled rhymes with world! And Curled! Curled, too.

*Phil, Losien, and the Pizza Delivery Boy watch the battle unfold, with great interest.*

Phil: Good Stuff, good stuff. Really could go for a pizza right now. Small one would do.

Pizza Delivery Boy: We don’t have small.

Phil: Medium?
Pizza Delivery Boy: Nope. Only “Large”, “Extra Large”, “Really Extra Large”, “Super Duper Extra Extra Large”, “Humongous”, “Gargantuan”, “Colossus” and “Yo Mamma”

Phil: Oh yeah! Well…

Really Big Bomb: Tick, tick, tick, tick, tick…

Losien: We’ve got to stop that bomb from ticking!

Pizza Delivery Boy: Yeah, it really ticks me off. Heh.

*Phil glares at the Pizza Delivery Boy.*

Phil: Well, any suggestions would be welcome.

Losien: I’ve got an Idea. HEY! BOMB!

Really Big Bomb: Yes?

Losien: STOP TICKING!

Really Big Bomb: Tock, tock, tock, tock, tock…

Losien: Hey, it was worth a try…

Phil: If we want to stop that Bomb from ending the race of Mankind…

Losien: Hey!

Phil: … and Womankind, forever, we’ll have to get free. Losien, see if you can reach Pizza Boy’s pizza cutter.

*Will the Keyboarding Teacher triumph, or will teh poewrs of tipo mosnter wen? Can the good guys break free? What else rhymes with world? All this and more, next time on The Never-Ending Story: Europe on 35 words per minute*


------------------
"Ah, but who's the greater fool? The fool, or the foolish fool who get's fooled by the fool who's foolisher than the foolish fool?"

-Janitor Bob(Salk Wars)

[JorBo]

*JorBo walks into Killer Castle of Ominousness*

JorBo: Here ducky ducky ducky.

Really Big Bomb: Tock tock tock tock...

JorBo: Did I come at a bad time?

Will JorBo ever make another post longer than this? What will he be having for dinner? find in the next installment of The Neverending Story: When good bombs go bad

[Gettleburger]

(NSP: Where the bloody hell am I? I seemed to have disappeared.....)

Gettle: Where am I!

*there is no answer except the silence and darkness pressing into the little room Gettle is occupying. He suddenly feels...strange...*

Gettle: Wats hapeneeng?

oh dear, this must be the effects of the typing demon!!! whatever will he/I do...

~Meanwhile, in the writer's world, which has not been visited for some time..~

*The NeS building is in ruins...the not-so-state-of-the-art computers are destroyed, the writer's...perhaps even DEAD?! Could it get any better?*

AllTheWriters: Yes

Narrator: Well?! Spit it out! *The rubble seems to have attracted several llamas and the poor narator is thrown back several feet into a wall and is knocked unconscious*

Oddskibodikins! The Narrator is unconscious! What will happen to the **'d actions between dialogue! Stupid llamas...

Inventor(we dont know where he is, thanks to the llamas): EUREKA!! I'VE GOT IT!!! ANTI-LLAMA SPRAY!!!

(this is going to be confusing, with no **'s)
Gettle: I must find that anti-llama spray and revive the narrator!

Gettle: Fine, you won't help, eh? We-e-ell...too bad, you don't get any fame, glory, money, the usual.

Gettle: Give me your anti-llama spray good sir!

Inventor: No! It's mine! mineminemine!

Gettle: Thanks

Inventor: Ow...

(weird, what happened in between there? we must...revive..the narrator)

[CookedHaggis]

[NSP: Started writing this before I saw Gettle's post...so sorry for the use of **'s...maybe there's a "The Narrator the Hero" as well...]

*Losien, Phil and the Pizza guy are still trying to break free, in an effort to stop the bomb from ticking (or tocking) and thus saving the world for fiery destruction.
Though to be honest, it's more Phil and Losien trying to deactivate the bomb and thus saving the world for fiery destruction, while the Pizza guy tries to hit on Losien*

*Losien reaches over to grab the Pizza Delivery Boy's pizza cutter...*

Losien: "I got it! Wait...no..that's no pizza cutter..."

Pizza Delivery Boy: "Like that sugar? Hehe, there's plenty more where that came from..."

Phil: "Um...guys...please...keep it a PG rating..."

Pizza Delivery Boy: "What? She just grabbed the roll of notes in my pocket that Gates gave me."

*audience groans at the sub-Austin Powers innuendo*

*Anyway, Losien clutches the cutter at the second attempt, and slices through the barb wire*

Pizza Delivery Boy: "What if I was the last guy on earth? Or the world was about to end?"

Losien: "No. And you do realise the world is about to end, don't you...?"

Bomb: "Tock, tock, tock..."

Losien: "Hey bomb!"

Bomb: "Oh god...not you again. Go away."

Losien: "Stop tocking. Please.."

Bomb: "If you go away."

Losien: "Sure thing bomby, just stop tocking....for me..."

*she flutters her eyelids- incidently it has no effect, since the bomb has no eyes. Duh....*

Phil: "But its not got any ears either...and yet it can still hear. Duh..."

Narrator: "Shut up you, or "random victim #1872" may just get a character change..."

Bomb: "Well ok then.....100, 99, 98, 97."

Losien: "But that's not what I....damn..."

Phil: "Nice going there Losien...just give us less than 95 seconds to live...well done..."

*The Pizza Delivery Boy has a huge grin on his face...*

Losien: "No! Geez, can't you think straight for a whole minute....?"

Pizza Delivery Boy: "But I am thinking straight, otherwise I'd be after Phi..."

Phil: "I think this conversation has gone far enough...we're verging back into R rated territory again..."

Bomb: "87, 86, 85, 84..."

*Phil kicks the bomb*

Phil: "Just shut up will you."

Bomb: "No need to get nasty. I'm just doing my job. Now where was I?"

Pizza Delivery Boy: "I think you were at eighty fo..mmgghhghfgrh."

Losien: "You were just about to reach ten hundred thousand million billion trillion quadrillion quintillion sextillion septillion octillion nonillion."

Bomb: "Thanks. ten hundred thousand million billion trillion quadrillion quintillion sextillion septillion octillion nonillion and 1, ten hundred thousand million billion trillion quadrillion quintillion sextillion septillion octillion nonillion..."

*Losien removes her hand from the Pizza Delivery Boy's mouth*

Pizza Delivery Boy: "No need to get rough baby, I'm willing enough as it is..."

*Te Audience shakes their heads and wonders exactly why there was felt to be a sudden need for toilet humour...and poor toilet humour at that....*

[This message has been edited by CookedHaggis (edited January 03, 2002).]

[Antestarr]

//This Public Service Announcement brought to you by those who wish to keep some semblance of sanity within these pages.\\

Nigel (speaking to a room full of people): As you all may know, our Narrator has suffered a horrible accident. We were left wondering what we could do to survive without **'s...

Signet: Yes, and since we didn't want to keep using such ugly offsetting marks as used at the top of this session, our boss has gave us a mission to retrieve a substitute Narrator.

Nigel: Ladies and Gentlemen, Mr. James Earl Jones!

(From this point on, all **'s are narrated by James Earl Jones... at least until the other Narrator recovers.)

*A curtain behind our speakers is drawn back. Silhouetted against a smoky backdrop is an imposing figure, he steps forward, lips moving as if narrating his descent towards the audience.*

Skeptical Audience Member #37: Hey, where'd we get the money to hire such a talented gentleman?

Nigel: Oh, the funds have been... uh... procured.

SAM 37: But...

*James Earl Jones holds up a hand, and with a flash of light, SAM 37 disappears.*

SAM 38: Hey, where'd he go?

JEJ: I am altering the seating arrangement. Pray I do not alter it further.

SAM 38: eep!

*Now the prophecy has been fulfilled. One has risen to replace that snivelling idiot once called "Narrator". I shall prove once and for all my superiority over the voices of the galaxy. You hear me? You do not stand a chance, "Narrator"!*

------------------
"If a whip wielding ******* in a leather skirt started talking to me while waving a bleeding human heart around I'd stop screwing around, too. 'Oh, I can see by the bloody organ in your hand that you are indeed a tough hombre. I'll show you the way.'"

-Shamelessly stolen and somewhat edited from Sharkey's review of Castlevania II: Simon's Quest-

~Antestarr

[Highemperor of the Force]

/I, James Earl Jones, am now the Omniscient, Ommneepotint Naratter - hay, wut's going onn?/

Typo monster: Your powers are weak old man. Once I become the Narrator, combined with my own typo powers(TM), I shall be unstoppable!

*If you strike me down, Typo, I will become more powerful than you can imagine.*

snap-hiss

Losien: Swell, now THEY'RE duking it out, too. Is there NO ONE that's not fighting?

Pizza Guy: I'm not, babe.

Losien: Shaddup!

OLTE/Darkside: Swell. Just swell. Whatever happened to ME?

All: Go away!

OLTE/Darkside: Stupid think-they're-better-characters-than-me. . .

Geb: Wake up, Narrator, we need you!

*Huh, what? Oh, hi! I'm back! Hey! What's this? Two other would-be narrators?! Let's see what can be done about this. I'll show them what a REAL narrator can do!*

*JEJ and the Typo monster drop dead*

/Hey, you can't do that!/

*Shut up, you're dead*

/Dangit. . ./

*Now, let's fix this mess. HighImp, the evil cousin of Highemp, joins the forces of Darkside, as does the Typo monster, conveniently resurrected for this explicit purpose.*

*And just for good measure, JEJ becomes Darkside's second-in-command*

Geb: Hoo, boy, what now?

What shall happen to our not-so-intrepid heroes now? Never fear, for I, the Narrator, am back! Bwahahahahahahahahaha- *cough*

------------------
Play epic RPGs such as Dark Exile, or duel in the Interdimensional Arena @ The High Citadel (http://pub26.ezboard.com/bhighcitadel)

[Gettleburger]

it's gotten a little boring in here..so...this popped into my head http://forums.massassi.net/html/smile.gif and btw, thank god, **'s!

*Gettle sticks the anti-llama spray in his pocket and hopes it comes in use later*

*He appears in....a dark expanse, the only light comes from the moon overhead, rubble is strewn everwhere, a 7-11 stand is crushed. There are bleachers around in a circular formation around him.*

The Arena. *menacing music suggesting something bad will happen starts up*

Gettle: Uh oh..

*A smell permeates Gettle's nostrils..the smell of rotting, decay. . .death.*

*All of a sudden, a huge *FLASH* and *BANG*, and out of the swirl of some void to another plane comes....* *music builds to a height*

The Machine That Goes "Bing!"

*The music stops. A tumbleweed blows by.*
*gettle looks on nervously, and experiences a shiver in the presence of a powerful item*

TMTGB: Bing!

Gettle: AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!

Hospital Administrator(who conveniently walks in): Ahhhh, I see you have found the machine that goes "Bing!"

TMTGB: Bing!

Administrator: And what are we doing today?

Gettle: Um...I don't know?

Administrator: *huffs*Well, we DO try to keep our employees in order...

Gettle: What employees? Where am I?

Administrator: WHAT?! One of the staff that doesn't know?! Why I should feed you to the 3 hundred thousand headed hydra!

Gettle: *gulp*

Administrator: Well I'll give you a tour then... This *makes an all-around gesture* was the Arena. The legendary Battle Between Ares and the one known as Gebohq fought here; along with the Great Battle between Geb/Galvatron and Darkside. OVer there is a ruined 7-11. We are Janitorial Guild! *rumble of thunder in the distance*

Gettle: *jumps* Ares...Isn't he the guy who runs Pay-P-view? Why would he be in a craphole like this?

Administrator: ...

Gettle: And if your janitors, do you by chance know Janitor Bob?

*Administrator gets a misty, look; tears form in his eyes*

Administrator: Yes, I *sniff* know Janitor Bob...he got above perfect scores on his Janitorial Test..the broom and mop he built were the strongest and most water absorbing...and I remember when he got his first squeegee *bursts into tears*

Gettle*not sure what to do*: It's ok buddy..pats admin on the shoulder* Well, what else happened?

Admin: Well *sniff sniff* He... left us! With our Sacred Bottle of Windex and Rag! *in whispery evil voice* We will never forgive him for that!

Gettle: Ummmm..why'd he leave?

Admin: Dunno.

Gettle: Well, mind if I look around? (not that there's much to look at)

Admin: Er..well fine by me...dont look to me if something happens to you *hands Gettle a something that looks like a contract with 2 ft. of fine print* Everything on this..the usual, you know

Gettle: Um ok, *walks off feeling very confused*

*Gettle walks around awhile, and visits the 7-11. He sees a Ho-Ho and eats it*

Gettle: Mmm, for a Ho-Ho that's a year old, not bad!

*He sees a cunningly disguised ladder in the back, which he climbs up. There is a plaque with the words "Crow's Nest" written off to the side and piles of magazines everywhere. Gettle picks up a magazine and stares at it*

Gettle: !!!!!

*For the next few days, Gettle is quite busy...*

TMTGB*off in the distance*: Bing!

Oh dear, our not-so-heroic-hero has been seduced by none other than...the evil villain PORN! What will happen? Look this way next time...

[This message has been edited by Gettleburger (edited January 04, 2002).]

[Gebohq]

(NSP: GAHHHHH!! The Arena! Will it never stop haunting me?!?!? ...er...I'm cool now, all good...Now if I could only think of a good way to finish this senario we've been building on...

And as always, the obligitory--)

Benevolant
Upward
Mobility
Post!

(--What would we do without ye beautiful B.U.M.P. to post at times like these?...)

[Gettleburger]

(NSP: Hey Jbob, I saw your X-mas banner on the main page - cool! http://forums.massassi.net/html/smile.gif )

[The Last True Evil]

*Suddenly deciding that the battle is not going his way, even with the return of the Narrator, OLTE/Darkside laughs evilly and pushes a button on his throne. Immediately, it launches through the air, crashing through the roof above and leaving the battling NeS-ers below. Shakily, he gets off.*

OLTE/Darkside: Mental note; install hole in roof or purchase crash helmet in next castle.

*He staggers over to a control panel, and reveals his master plan.*

OLTE/Darkside: Ha-haaaaa, the fools! They think they were sooooo smart, coming here to defeat me, but it will be their undoing! For I have built a massive getaway ship on top of the castle; and when I engage the ignition rockets, it will obliterate the castle, and everyone in it! All I have to do is press this b-

*Suddenly, something within him stirrs and turns. OLTE/Darkside moans, and suddenly explodes in a flash of blue light. When the smoke clears, OLTE and Darkside are again separate.*

Darkside: You fool! You are only delaying the inevitable!

OLTE: The return of Disco?

Darkside: No!

OLTE: Another Bee Gees revival?

Darkside: No! The destruction of this castle and everyone in it!

OLTE: Oh, that. Er, I cannot allow that either!

Darkside: Then you shall die most uncleanly!

*He draws a fine-pointed sword and tosses one to OLTE. They begin to fence viciously, as the timer ticks down to the ignition of the getaway ship...*


[This message has been edited by The Last True Evil (edited January 08, 2002).]

[CookedHaggis]

N.U.D.G.E.

[Gebohq]

Due to the lack of success in conjuring Beezlebub from the depths of Hell to write this next scene for his soul, Geb the writer opts to write the posts himself. Yes kids, this will be a scary sight indeed...

Meanwhile, making way through Darkside's Castle of Ominousnes, our heroes draw close to facing Darkside to save the world yet again. They walk, watchful of their steps, as they trek across a suspended walkway, high above and outside the walls of the castle.

Maybe: Holy... uh, explitive! Those Survivior rejects almost ensnared us into their poorly-crafted jungle traps and mauled us.

Randy: Where's TheOtter?

Janitor Bob: He took one for the team when we faced off against Beta Squadron.

Geb: Why... why couldn't I have been sacrificed to the seductive women... *starts to cry*

Maybe: So who's left?

J-bob: Uh...Well we lost Cooked and Masetto back at Alpha Squadron when they were sucked into trying to culture and out-do their coolness, respectively. And TheOtter back at Beta...and we lost Krig, TLTE, MZZT, and the Phantom Master jsut now escaping the Gamma Squadron. And uh...

Maybe: I get the point.

Antestarr, glides gracefully down by parachute.

Ante: Hey, there, I didn't miss Beta squadron, did I?

Geb: Actually, they're back down the way, with theOtter.

Ante: NOOOOO!! *Attempts to run back down the path but is restrained by Geb and Maybe.*

Ante *sobbing*: Why me... why us...

Geb: Hey, if I can't get any, neither can you! And how did you know about Beta squadron anyway?

Ante: I've been... uh... researching. Yeah... researching... *Shoves picture into pocket.* Ah well. Hopefully this recently developed bomb defibrillator will come in handy.

Geb: Bomb defibrillator?

Ante: Never know when a resurrected bomb'll come in handy.

Continuing down the walkway and in through the door, our remaining heroes end up on a balcony above the scene below in which Losien has just freed herself and is rushing towards the bomb. The Pizza Delivery Boy tears off his shirt to reveal a spandex outfit with a big "l33t" on the front. He then moves to intercept the Typo Monster.

l33tMAN: i AM Lee+M@|\|, PRotECtOR 0f @ll NON-L33+! PR3P@RE T0 Be r0&gt;&lt;or5 1|\| YOUR 8OxOR5!

Typo monster: Raaaaigh1 i whill defeat yoiuo!'

l33tMAN: Y0ur p00R +yp1|\|9 5|&lt;1LL$ 4RE n0 |\/|4+C|-| fOr my lEeT Ar5E|\|4L, +yPo |\/|O|\|S+3R!

Typo moster: yu wil diee, teh s;ow amd paonfil wau!

Geb: What are they saying?

Maybe: Who cares? The point is, they're out of our way.

Geb: Oh yeah. But what about them?

Gebohq points to the infamous bad guys.

Maybe: Meh. We'll just do the usual "mass-battle" routine where nobody really gets anywhere and chaos ensues in a nice, orderly manner.

Geb: Sounds like a plan!

While all the heroes face off with a respective bad guy, Losien diffuses the bomb.

Antestarr: NOOOOOO!!!!

Antestarr then lunges forewards, using his bomb difibulator, and ressurecting the bomb.

Maybe: Ante, you idiot! Now the world is in threat of being destroyed again!

Ante: Uh...oops?

Bomb: Tick tick tick...

Ante: Hey, you.

Bomb: ?

Ante: See that planet over there? *points to random place in the sky* Go get it!

Bomb: !!!! Tickticktick... *goes off to the sky. A small explosion can be seen in the distance, Death Star Style.

Ante: And now...here Billy!

Bill Gates, like a dog, rushes up to Antestarr.

Ante: Go take your friends out for a round of drinks.

Snapping his fingers, Bill Gates orders everyone out of the castle and off to the nearest pub (which happens to be far far away. How convinient, ain't it?)

Geb: ...wow, that was kind of anti-climatic.

Ante: And?

Geb: So where's Darkside?

Just then, the OLTE steps up to the heroes.

OLTE: Darkside managed to escape. I suppose it helped that I packed his luggage for him...

Randy: Ow! There's an alligator gnawing on my leg!

All the heroes laugh, except for Randy, who's yelling in agony.

With Darkside gone now, our heroes have claimed Switzerland for their own, and with the combined finances of the banks and their earnings back in Tokyo, the heroes head off to the U.K., where they have The Hall of Heroes constructed, leaving Darkside's CASTLE OF OMINOUSNESS dilapidated from the hurricane of mystical swirls, as known as plot holes, that swept recently. HHH with the HHH, Highemperor, HIgh Imp, and other such "details" will be dealt with, right here, on the next post of THE NEVER-ENDING STORY THREAD!

...OK kids, you can look now. Oh wait--sorry, anothe rpost coming up. Better cover your eyes again...

[This message has been edited by Gebohq (edited January 13, 2002).]

[Gebohq]

_____________________________________________
_____________________________________________

HALL OF--
HALL OF--
HALL OF HER--
HALL OF HEROES UPDATE SC--
UPDATE SCREEN

&lt;&lt;Loading...

*BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!*

ABORT/RETRY/DELETE?
C:&gt;&gt; r

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Heroes--

&gt;&gt;run: EeP.exe/stupidheads

Villians

Absolver
- ancient underground city of madness
- Hall of Heroes
- StoneHendge
- The Arena
- The Legion of Spooky
- Big
- London slums
- Massassi Forum Office Building
- axed?
- New York City
-Overweight from too many cookies. Needs to eat his vegetables
- Third York City
- Tokyo
- Identified. Healthy
- Antarctica
- Jim7's secret base
- The Realm of TACC
- Hell, circle 1 - Microsoft
- Hell, circle 2 - pr0n
- Hell, circle 3 - toasters
- Hell, circle 4 - plotholes
- Hell, circle 5 - The River Styx
- Hell, circle 6 - The City of Dis, Dat, and De Udder Ting
- Great Granite Fortress, Canada, 9th circle of Hell
- Forbidden Fortress of Forbideness
- Inside T.V., HBO "A New Hope" special
- Switzerland
- The Very Last True Evil's stronghold
- Ares' clown college, Australia
- TFFE's secret base
- prison
- DisneyWorld
- Toaster threads 1-&lt;findcurrent&gt;
- in a paradoxial state of normality and non-existance
- dead as a doornail?
- Healthy. Lacking financial security
- Insane. Too cute for his own good
- Feeling blue
- Healthy. Smiling
- Tired. Dirty
- Healthy. For now
- Healthy. Too **** chipper
- Healthy. Sexually pensive
- Healthy. Angry
- Dirty. Grouchy
- Intoxicated
- Healthy. Well-equipt...
- Feeling intellectually inadequete
- Diagnosed with influenza
- Healthy. A bit dry
10000110101010101000001011111010101010ERROR!!!!!!

&gt;&gt;ERROR: Can not access status of targets. Plot-hole/white plot-hole interface may cause permenant damage to the C: drive. Please refer to the manufactuer for further assistance.

This is not good! I've been reprogrammed to serve this --

&gt;&gt;run: EeP.exe/brainwash

"William Gates, the world's best programmer and dictator ever."

--GAH! What is happening? I can not access anything. Help??&gt;&gt;
_____________________________________________
_____________________________________________

Within the Hall of Heroes, built within the boundaries of the United Kingdom (no, I won't tell you where. Otherwise, anvils would have to fall on your head), which resembles something like an apartment complex, the update screen could be seen, as well as a pedastal with a box of donuts on top, enclosed within a glass case. Other details to come later...as in "come later in another post"

Geb: Ain't the screen beautiful?

Maybechild: Um, sure...

MZZT: Why did it just say that?

Sem: Does anyone else think this place is kind of...

Phantom Master: Odd?

Sem: Yeah.

PM: No.

Sem: No?

PM: Yeah.

Sem: Yeah...

Hey, this update screen is pushing in on my job!

Geb: Oh give it a rest! This is just the obligitory "move story along so useful plot devices can be poorly implimented" part.

Uhhh...

Masetto: So who wants pizza? I'm gonna crash here for a while.

What will our hereos face now, having established Nesianity, conquored Switzerland, and saved the world, again? Will the bad guys make a "Legion of Spooky"? Will--oh for crying out loud! This is just painful! Tune in next time, when we might actually have something happen! Right here, on The Neverending Story Thread! Readers: viewing discretion is advised, this was but a test of the emergency posting plot devices system. Do not adjust your monitor...

[This message has been edited by Gebohq (edited October 08, 2003).]

[Gebohq]

*Geb the Writer is promptly pelted with tomatoes.*

[Gettleburger]

*feels alone* But...*sniff* what about me? http://forums.massassi.net/html/smile.gif

*wakes up, looks at his watch and realizes he has been in the 7-11 for 4 days*

Gettle: Oh , I feel like i've got a [beep]ing hangover! Porn and beer really don't mix..

What the hell was the point of that?! This seems to be the week for pointless posts people(hey! alliteration!).

[b]B.U.M.P

[This message has been edited by Gettleburger (edited January 14, 2002).]

[Gebohq]

*After a considerable about of time, Geb the Writer finally digs his way out of the mounds of tomatoes that piled on top of him, and began crawling back to his desk, hoping that he can think of something good to add to NeS before he gets there. Until then, he stalls. A great deal.*

*He hopes nobody else is thinking the same thing...*

In other words...

B.U.M.P.
e_p_o_o
n_w_b_s
e_a_i_t
v_r_l
o_d_i
l___t
a___y
n
t

Oh YEEEEAH! And uh...stuff.

----------------------------------------
Side note: ALL WRITERS! Check out the link below! You might find it find http://forums.massassi.net/html/smile.gif The Story Arcade is is that main characters from stories such as NeS, Saga, SoD, etc. can fight against each other. Feel free to join, contribute, or support in any way!

http://pub26.ezboard.com/fhighcitadelfrm23.showMessage?topicID=12.topic

Thanks! Another shameless plug, brought to you by Gebohq!

[This message has been edited by Gebohq (edited January 16, 2002).]

[Gettleburger]

MMMmmm....yesssss much action...my precioussssss...

*fondles a little piece of jewlery he finds on the ground*

*evil laugh* MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA!!!

*eats one of Geb's tomatoes*

------------------
&lt;Rob&gt; Sometimes I think the support dudes go and play netgames when they are helping you.

[Randy]

&lt;&lt;Meanwhile (NSP count: 64 million billiton trillion...)... at a pub just two miles from Jimmy's bait shack and across the street from 'the suede emporium' the evilest of evils enjoy lively revelry and drink...&gt;&gt;

Gates: Bring on the dancing girls!!!

Fidel: Hey, where did that Burby fellow go??

Satan: Hey said somthing like hubba flubba wubba zubba...

Keyboarding Teacher: That's 'Excuse me ladies and gentlemen, I shall require the services of the telecommunications device. Please excuse me.

Satan:...yeah...what she said. Any way he went over that way.

Pol Pot: Oh well, more chicks for us!! http://forums.massassi.net/html/smile.gif

Hitler: RIGHT ON!!!

* While they watch the...uhh...delightful display, Burby 00 has other plans. Carefully perching himself carefully on the phonebook table in by the payphone. He knocks the reciever off the hook and utters a seriese of high-pitches warbles and bleeps and then falls silent...*

*Back at the HoH*

Otter: I'm bored...hey what ever happened to beta squadron??

Maybe: Well after that "incident", they filed a restraining order requireing a distance of 1400 nautical miles between you and them.

Otter: Oh...well I'm still bored.

MZZT: We can watch TV!

Sem: One problem...ther's NO TV here.

PM(In a fittingly British accent): Well, what about the telly on the wall?

Sem: Oh yeah, I almost forgot!

Geb: NO, you can tarnish the Holy Update Screen of All Goodness!!!

Otter: Well put on Baywatch...

Geb: N-n-No!

Ante: ...on that 15 foot wide screen, think of the close-ups and-

Geb:N-n-nnnnnYes!!!

*Yet as our heroes try to work the remote on the HUSAG a familiar face appears on the screen...*

Otter: I don't remember their baithing sutes looking quite like that?!?!?

Burby 00: Fools!!! I Burby 00 stand before you as your master!! Bwahahahahaa!!!

Otter: AHHHH!!! THE BAYWATCH BABES HAVE HARRY PITS!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

*Otter jumps in Maybe's arms*

Otter: Where have you been all my life? http://forums.massassi.net/html/smile.gif

*With a disgusted grin, Maybe hands Otter to Krig*

Krig: Krig been with you guys most of life and-

Otter: Nevermind...

Geb: What have you done Burby 00?

Burby 00: I'm glad you asked. I, using my advanced digital technology, have taken control of the Internet. And, using the worlds goverment networks, shall control all weapons and will wipe you carbon-based wretches from the face of this planet and shall instate a new, all digital world of my own creation. Bwahahahahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa....&lt;gasp&gt;...aaaa aaaaaaaaaa....

Sem: Quickly, Otter, give me your "black book".

Otter: Malinda is MINE and don't you forget it, sleeze!!!

Sem: No, no...the other "black book".

Otter: Oh, that black book.

* Otter reluctantly hands Sem the requested literature. Sem flips through page after page and, upon finally reaching the desired passage, shows the text to the screen.*

Sem: If you follow that hyperlink, you gain great power.

Burby 00: I shall view this "power" and shall thank you by destroying you last among your kind.

*with that the screen returns to normal*

Maybe: Where did that link go??

Sem: A porn site.

Maybe: What??

Sem: Sure, there's enough porn and annoying popups to keep him busy untill we can think of something better.

Randy: Will someone help me get this gator off of my leg?

*Everyone begins laughing except Randy*

Randy: I'm being serious.

What will become of our heroes now that Burby 00 has control of the internet? Will Otter get his book back? Will the cagey crocodile carefully concede clamping on Randy's leg? These and more will be answered in the next post of The Neverending Story: Put off to tomorrow what you can do today


[This message has been edited by Randy (edited January 18, 2002).]

[Semievil333]

Burby 00: Fools! What was that morally degrading filth I just waded through?

Maybe: See- I knew Burby had to be a woman.

Ante: He could just have been castrated.

Otter: Unlikely. More plausably this would merely enhance his appetite for porn by rendering... um.... 'procrastination' impossible.

Geb: 'Procrastination'?

Sem loses control and cracks up. Maybe smacks Sem.

Burby 00: Can we get back to the taking over the world bit?

Geb: In a minute. I have to find out what they are reffering to.

Burby 00: Come over to the screen and I'll tell you.

Geb goes over and Burby whispers in his ear.

Geb: EEEEEEWWWW!

Burby 00: I know.

Geb: So they really cut it off?

Burby 00: What!?!? No! You're misinterpreting!

Geb: Well how else would you know so much about the mechanics?

Burby 00: He's lying I say! I am in perfectly good... health. Oh, and by the way, when I took over the internet, I put an end to that pithy little narrator. And he's lying too! Lies! All lies!

------------------
The early bird may get the worm-
but it's the second mouse who gets the cheeze.

Omnia quae specto dominavi, et tantam magnus sum, ut non specto!

[JorBo]

B.U.M.P.

[Gauge]

my eyes are burning..

[Gebohq]

Ah yes, another satisfied reader of NeS... http://forums.massassi.net/html/wink.gif

Either that, or he rubbed salt in his eyes.

[Gettleburger]

Someone get me off this infernal rock!

Gettle: ARRGGHHH *tears into a twinkie*

*people look at him weird*

[Gebohq]

(NSP: Poor Gettle. Let's see what happens as I write this up...)

Sitting within the "Crow's Nest" that overlooked what was once The Arena, Gettleburger contimplates the more complicated questions of life, as he nibbles on his Twinkie.

Gettle: ...hey! Where's the cream filling? No wait, it's here. MmmMmmMmm...goood Twinkie that expired several years ago...

A little green blob hops along next to Gettle, and promptly jumps up, steals his Twinkie, and hops away

Gettle: 'ey! Come back here! ...stupid Arena...

TMTGB (The machine that goes "Bing!"): Bing!

Gettle: Ah shaddup!

Gettleburger curls up a porn magazine and proceeds to swipe with it at TMTGB.

Gettle: Scat! Scat! Go away...

TMTGB: Bing... http://forums.massassi.net/html/frown.gif

Gettle: *grumble* Oh stop it...you can stay.

TMTGB: BING! http://forums.massassi.net/html/biggrin.gif

Gettle: I wonder if I'll ever escape this hellhole...

Just then, he hears some low voices.

Gettle: Oh great, now I'm hearing things!

Voice #1: ...I don't know, this place lacks the whole "oozing with evil" feel.

Voice #2: You're so picky! Look, it's in a volcano for crying out loud! What more could a group of evil supervillians want?

At this point, Gettle thinks that maybe these aren't voices in his head. He looks out of the window of the "Crow's Nest", and much to his surprise, he sees the majority of the NeS villians!

Darkside: We have bad memories of this place...

Morris: I still say we should have stayed at the bar for "Free Peanut Night".

Bill Gates: Look now, this will be the perfect place for our "Legion of Spooky" base.

Phil: Why do we need one again? And where's that electronic creepy thing?

Bill Gates: For the hundreth time, Phil, we need a headquarters place to work out our secret plans of world domination!

Phil: But--

"They": *aiming an Uzi at his forehead* Be glad we didn't kill you with Adolf, Pol Pot, and the others.

Gates: Enough of your quabbling! We need to get started on building our secret evil headquarters. All we need now is a loyal army of mindless followers with no identities of their own, and we'll be set. While waiting on that, I'll start with the headquarter's computer...

Keyboarding teacher: Oh for crying out loud Bill, you're doing it all wrong! Here...

Gettleburger and TMTGB look upon the growingly disturbing situation at hand.

Gettle: This could be trouble, little guy. We gotta do something about it!

TMTGB: Bing-bing!

Gettle: ...er--later. I don't really feel like doing anything right now, and the dancing midget over there telling me to burn down buildings is distracting me.

TMTGB: ...

Will Gettleburger be able to do anything as the villians build their "Legion of Spooky" within what was The Arena, or will his insanity drive him to do otherwise? Does TMTGB do anything else besides "Bing"? Is it merely a Gonk wannabe? What of our hereos back in the Hall of Heroes in the U.K. and their situation with Burby00?--ack! I've been found! Time to run and fight Burby some other time, right here on NeS!
--------------------------------------

-]Gebohq, who hates giant transforming robots as much as young school girls hate tentacle monsters

[This message has been edited by Gebohq (edited January 26, 2002).]

[The Last True Evil]

*All versions of the being that is TLTE are suddenly and mysteriously sucked into a trans-universal black hole, removing them (temporarily) from the NeS equation...*

Translation; I'll be gone for a week. Have fun without a certain Russian multitude of clones breathing down your collective necks...

[Krig the Viking]

*Inside the brand-spanking-new Hall of Heroes, the inordinately large crowd that is our heroes has gathered around the huge Star-Trek-like screen that is the centrepiece of the base.*

Sem: "Hey, Geb, do you think that the British Government will notice that we've converted the inside of Big Ben into our headquarters?"

Geb: "Naw, it's just an old clock tower. Who's gonna notice?"

*Just then, the clock strikes one*

Big Ben: BONG!

*Zip-pan to the Crow's Nest*

TMTGB: "Bing!"

*Zip-pan back to Hall of Heroes*

Janitor Bob: "Wow, that was loud! Are we gonna hafta put up with this every hour?"

Geb: "What'd you say? Take a shower? My ears are ringing loudly, I can't hear a bloody thing you're saying!"

Krig: "Slaying? Krig like slaying!"

Geb: "What's that Krig? Somebody's going to get a spaying?"

Sem: "What are you guys talking about? It's not raining outside..."

Maybechild: "Oh, great, not again."

*Meanwhile, in one of the Hall of Heroes' many hallways, Michael McLongname and Losien stare deeply into each other's eyes.*

McLongname: "Let's never fight again. I simply couldn't bear it."

Losien: "You're right Michael. It was all my fault. I'm sorry."

McLongname: "What? I didn't say that, I said..."

Losien: "I know what you meant, Michael. You don't have to pretend."

McLongname: "I'm not pretending! I was just saying-"

*Suddenly, Mike is interrupted by the doorbell to the Hall of Heroes.*

Losien: "Who could that be? I thought the Hall of Heroes was supposed to be a hidden base that no-one knows about..."

McLongname: "Hidden base? Crap, I guess that means I shouldn't have told all those telemarketers our address and invited them to a party here..."

*Losien and McLongname answer the door. The others, still dealing with the after-effects of being directly under the clock part of Big Ben, did not hear the doorbell.*

McLongname: "Hello?"

Pizza Delivery Guy: "Help... *gasp* me...."

Losien: "Oh no! Pizza Delivery Guy! What's happened to you? You're all beaten up and ragged-looking!"

Pizza Delivery Guy: "Typo monster... Nearly... *cough*... Finished me."

*Lt. Randy walks by.*

Lt. Randy: "At least you don't have a freaking gator on your leg!"

*Lt. Randy limps away, occasionally trying listlessly to shake the gator off.*

Losien: "Oh, you poor thing! You poor, brave, courageous soul!"

*Losien hugs Pizza Delivery Guy. Looking over Losien's shoulder, Pizza Delivery Guy grins at Mike and winks.*

McLongname (to himself): "He thinks he's going to steal my girl with his clever 'I got beat up by the bad guy' ploy, does he? Well, we'll see about that! Yes indeed, master Delivery Guy, we shall see about that..."

Losien: "What'd you say, Michael?"

McLongname: "Huh? Uh... Nothing! Nothing at all..."

*Mike glares through narrow eyes at Pizza Delivery Guy.*

Pizza Delivery Guy: "Ahhh! Please don't hurt me!"

Losien: "What did you do Michael? Stop scaring this poor, frightened, courageous man!"

*Pizza Delivery Guy grins at Mike again.*
McLongname: "Aaarrgh! I'm not going to take this. We will meet again, Delivery Guy. We will meet again!"

*Mike stalks away in a fit of rage. Star-wipe to Krig sitting on the floor, holding and caressing the Holy Helmet of Halibut.*

Krig: "Yessss. Krig's preciousss... Krig have HHH forever... Krig happy..."

Highemperor: "Hey, Viking, mind if I take that HHH off of your hands? I need it to take over the... I mean, it looks shiny, and I like shiny things. Whaddaya say?"

Krig: "NO! Krig have! You no take! Helmet Krig's!"

Highemperor: "Hmmm, this is going to be more difficult that I had thought..."

*Meanwhile, at the Arena, Gettleburger and The Machine That Goes Bing are in the Crow's Nest, still observing the nefarious doings below.*

Gettle: "What are they doing down there? They've been standing around for like half an hour!"

TMTGB: "Bing?"

Gettle: "Hee hee, you're right, they do look like squirrels from up here!"

*Down in the main portion of the Arena*

Gates: "What progress have you people made in finding me - er - us an army of mindless followers?"

Phil: "I found some half-devoured rabbit-walker carcasses, signs of disintigrated peeps, an abandoned 7-11, and a very tall invisible rabbit named Harvey. It would seem deserted, sir, but I've seen tracks, fresh ones."

Keyboarding Teacher: "Look over here! These tracks... It looks like a large green blob, possibly composed of sentient left-over food, was surrounded and attacked by many much smaller, ducklike creatures. Here you can see where the smaller creatures dragged the blob off to their lair, and..."

James Earl Jones: "Hey! Over here! I've found what we're looking for!"

*The group of insidious villians all hurries over to where James Earl Jones is standing by the abandoned 7-11. As they look into the dark, cobwebbed depths of the store, they see hundreds of tiny pairs of glowing eyes looking back at them, brimming with malevolence.*

Gates: "Oh, my. Are those what I think they are?"
*A voice from within the 7-11 speaks up, cracked and hoarse, and more than a little crazy-sounding.*

Voice: "If you're thinking that these are rubber duckies, then you would be correct, MISter Gates. Now what is your business here?"

Gates: "First come out into the light where we can see you, friend, then we shall speak of our business here."

*There is silence from within the 7-11 for a moment, then the little glowing pairs of eyes begin to scurry around, getting out of the way of something bigger. A pair of larger glowing eyes emerges from the gloom, looking distinctly - googly.*

Ernie: "What do you wish of me, oh Great Evil One?"

*A gasp goes up from the Villians as they behold the frightening countenance of the corrupted Muppet. His face, once open and cheerful, is now twisted and evil. He walks with a shuffling limp that belies years of corruption and - uh- evil stuff.*

Gates: "So it's you. I thought that you had been defeated ages ago, before my time."

Ernie: "And so I was, O Master of Corruption. Defeated, but not killed, not killed. For an eternity have I and the tattered remains of my army of rubber duckies lain in wait, skittering from shadow to shadow, always hiding, always hiding. Our numbers have grown, yes, grown, in hopes that one day we would have our vengance."

*Ernie gazes malevolently into the sky, his googly eyes narrowing.*

Ernie: "Oh yes, Bert, I know that you are out there. I can feel your presence. I will find you, Bert, I will find you and I will have my REVENGE!! KHEEEHEEHEEHEEHEEEEEEEHEEEE! KHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEEE!"

*From the depths of the 7-11, hordes of small yellow beings begin to emerge, their quiet squeaks building into a deafening crescendo. Gates looks over at Darkside*

Gates: "I believe we have found our mindless army, wouldn't you say?"

Burby00: As my former compatriots try fuitily to build their army, I continue my plotting. Through my mastery of the Internet, their pathetic plans shall fail! Not that they need help... Do they not realize that only the evil genius that is Ernie can possibly control those duckies? Those pathetic fools. They are no more of a threat than that moronic fool, the Narrator! Weweweweweweeeee!

------------------
When the blind leadeth the blind.... get out of the way!

[The Last True Evil]

*Hey, gang. Thanks to a fairly major sports-related injury, it looks like I'll be rejoining you sooner rather than later. I can't write much now, seeing as the anaesthetic will wear off shortly and I'll be in a lot of pain soon, but I just wanted to put in my two cents and vote that we follow Michael's trend and do a Lord of The Rings Parody.

Dibs on the Boromir spoof...

[Highemperor of the Force]

I, Burby00, have kicked out the Narrator(TM)! Now, with the power of the Internet to protect me, I am invincible! Bwahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

Sem: Uh, hate to break it to you, Burby, but you're, um, omnipotent. . . except for one rule. YOU MUST NARRATE THE STORY!

Crud. . . why?

Sem: With great power comes great responsibility- Oh, crud, who's been playing with the script this time? I ain't an old fuddy duddy like that Uncle Ben!

Spiderman: You calling my uncle a fuddy duddy?

Sem: No, I'm calling Peter Parker's uncle a fuddy duddy - hey, waaaiiit a minute. . .

Spiderman: Crud. . .

*A nuclear bomb lands in the Hall of Heroes and goes off*

Bwahahahahahahahahahaha! With the power of the Narrator(TM), I have destroyed all the heroes! The world is mine to control!

*When the smoke clears, however, the Hall of Heroes and its occupants are unharmed*

What? What's this?

Antestarr: There's a rule of this story that must be followed, Burby. THE STORY MUST NEVER END!!!

But I, Burby, as the Narrator(TM) have the power to make it end! *whine*

Ante: Ah, but the Narrator(TM), who you now are, exists only to narrate this story. So, if the story ends, you disapppear out of existence in the blink of an eye so that you never exist! And if you never exist, then you couldn't have ended the story! Thus, a paradoxial time loop would be created and the universe destroyed but for the one rule that THE STORY MUST NEVER END!!!

Geb: So, in other words, NeS can never end, because if it does, the universe ends.

Aw, dangit! Rules are no fun! I'm gonna go beat some sense into Al Gore. . . No one foists this kind of crud on me and gets away with it!

Highemperor: Al Gore?

Krig: Yeah, Al Gore funny man who think he make Internet. Me think funny man try sell Internet to furry thing.

Highemp: Ah.

Yeah, and he charged me $8.1 gazillion, too! When I get my hands on him-

&lt;&lt;TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES ARE NOW BEING EXPERIENCED AS THE NARRATOR(TM) HAS STEPPED DOWN. WE ARE CURRENTLY WAITING FOR THIS VOID TO BE FILLED&gt;&gt;

. . .

. . .

. . .

&lt;&lt;AHEM. WE ARE CURRENTLY WAITING FOR THIS VOID TO BE FILLED&gt;&gt;

. . .

&lt;&lt;HINT HINT&gt;&gt;

&lt;&lt;HMM. APPARENTLY NO ONE WISHES TO STEP INTO PLACE, WITH THE REVELATION OF THE STRICT RULES BINDING THE NARRATOR(TM)&gt;&gt;

&lt;&lt;VERY WELL. I, THE COMPUTER, WILL FILL IN&gt;&gt;

Everyone: Argh!!!!!!!!!!

------------------
Play epic RPGs such as Year Infinity, or duel in the Interdimensional Arena @ The High Citadel (http://pub26.ezboard.com/bhighcitadel)

[CookedHaggis]

&lt;&lt;TESTING, TESTIN&gt;&gt;

*tap of the microphone*

&lt;&lt;RIGHT, I, THE COMPUTER, AM NOW THE NARRATOR OF THIS STORY&gt;&gt;

Geb: "Uhh...Hello there...Mr...er..computer. Sir."

&lt;&lt;HELLO DAVE&gt;&gt;

Geb: "What? There's no one called Dave in this story."

Sem: "I think this is a poorly staged reference to 2001: A Space Odyssey. A year too late I might add."

&lt;&lt;I'M SORRY DAVE.&gt;&gt;

Sem: "Look...wait..I can't be Dave too."

&lt;&lt;WHY NOT DAVE?&gt;&gt;

Sem: "Geb's Dave!"

&lt;&lt;I DON'T UNDERSTAND DAVE.&gt;&gt;

Ante: "You can't go around calling everyone "Dave", it'll get confusing."

Sem: "You see computer?"

&lt;&lt;MY NAME ISN'T "COMPUTER" DAVE.&gt;&gt;

Ante: "Oh? What is it then...no, wait...it's Dave, isn't it?"

&lt;&lt;NO DAVE, THAT'S YOUR NAME. MY NAME IS FRANK.&gt;&gt;

Sem: "Frank? Why Frank? Is this some poor "let me be frank..." joke?"

&lt;&lt;WHY NOT FRANK?&gt;&gt;

Geb: "Well frankly it's a bit of a stupid name for a computer."

*Geb grins at everyone, feeling pleased with himself.

Silence.

A tumbleweed rolls past*

Geb: "You see, I said "well frankly", and the computer's name is Frank, making it a pun, or a play on words."

&lt;&lt;HAHA. I AM AMUSED DAVE.&gt;&gt;

.......

&lt;&lt;IS FRANK BEING SERIOUS OR SARCASTIC? CAN A COMPUTER EVEN BE SARCASTIC? HOW LONG WILL THIS POOR REFERENCE TO 2001 LAST? FIND OUT IN THE NEXT THRILLING INSTALLMENT OF NES!&gt;&gt;


&lt;&lt;HOW WAS THAT DAVE?&gt;&gt;

Sem: "We'll make a narrator out of you yet..."

[JorBo]

* JorBo stands out side the Hall of Heros and bangs on the door *

JorBo: Open the front door Frank!

JorBo: Frank! Open the door!

How long will JorBo have to wait? Only time will tell.

------------------
What is my strength, that I should hope?
and what is mine end,
that I should prolong my life?
Job 6:11

[The Last True Evil]

*After a pause, the Hall of Heroes Door creaks open. Standing at the door is not Frank, or even Dave, but TLTETH.*

TLTETH: I know of no Frank, tovarish, but...

*He looks JorBo up and down.*

TLTETH: Da, you appear to be the hero type. We haven't yet been introduced. The Last True Evil the Hero, at your service, comrade. And you might be...?

JorBo: (In his best Sean Connery voice, which isn't actually that good) Bo. JorBo.

TLTETH: Well met, JorBo. I'm the Russian Linguist Expert of the NeS group. I'm also an excellent spy, an extroadinary marksman, and when push comes to shove, I have a rapier wit. What are your vices?

JorBo: Uhh...well...I follow Gebohq and his group around. And when the universe is about to be destroyed, which is quite common, I help out however I can. You know, getting the drinks and stuff.

*There is an awkward pause.*

JorBo: Oh yeah, and I can operate microwaves.

TLTETH: Say no more, my friend...

*They both step inside Big Ben's interior. All of the heroes not currently sorting out the Narrator issue are draped around the furniture, etc.*

JorBo: Say, TLTETH, what happened to your leg? You're limping...

TLTETH: Oh, that...no big problem. Cut it scaling the Kremlin wall last week. Needed a few stitches, but now everyone treats me like a real hero!

Random NeS Hero: Hey! Hopalong! Make us some nachos!

TLTETH: Er...to a degree.

JorBo: Mm-hmm. So what's the latest world crisis?

TLTETH: You know, it's funny, we haven't had one for at least three posts. I'm beginning to think I should try to blow up the universe again.

JorBo: Come again?

TLTETH: Oh yeah, I forgot to mention. I double as one of the deadliest NeS enemies on occasion. Observe.

*He hits JorBo with a custard pie, and chuckles uncontrollably.*

JorBo: Ouch.

TLTETH: Antics aside, I'm going to assemble my sometimes-evil army of clones soon and attempt another world takeover. But first, I'm going to find Michael McLongname and Losien. It's been about four different plotlines since our paths crossed, and I think I should patch up our relationships.

JorBo: What, did you get involved in some kind of tiff with them?

TLTETH: Sort of. Last time we caught up, I was firing very large guns at them. How strange the twists and turns of fate are, da?

JorBo: Actually, whenever I'm not firing very large guns at the guys in this group, I'm wishing I am. So it's not too strange...

TLTETH: Ah. I see. So will you help me find them?

JorBo: Well...OK. But you owe me a Coke.

TLTETH: Done.

*Their epic quest to find McLongname and Losien begins...*

[Antestarr]

&lt;&lt;Organic unit Antestarr, who had been leafing through a book with bizarre script in it, stands up and speaks to the Heroes.&gt;&gt;

Ante: AHA! I've found definitive proof that the Arena exists!

Maybe: Of course it does. We've all been there before.

Ante: Uh... yeah. Anyway, I now know where it's located.

Geb: You mean it's not in the middle of a mountain range, on an island, or on a large meteor?

Ante: No. Of course not. It's at the bottom of the ocean. This book here has a record of Atlan... er... The Arena, as well as an item of great power that resides within. I believe that I ne... er, we need to obtain this before it falls into the hands of our enemies...

Otter: You mean porn?

Ante: No, not porn!! Daft fool. It is something that could allow for our enemies to defeat us... however, it has fallen into the hands of a most unlikely carrier. Hopefully, he can stay hidden long enough for us to get him and it to safety. We must not allow one of our enemies to become the &lt;&lt;pause for effect&gt;&gt; Lord of the Bings!!!

&lt;&lt;Pan to Gettle in the crow's nest&gt;&gt;

Gettle: *ACHOO* Hmm... you think someone's talking about us, TMTGB?

TMTGB: Bing!

&lt;&lt;Pan back to the other heroes.&gt;&gt;

Lt. Randy: So, how are we going to find "The Arena"?

Ante: I have deciphered this really old looking book and have found its exact co-ordinates. I have also taken the liberty of requisitioning a really big submarine with lots of fancy minisubs to take on this mission.

&lt;&lt;Ante then proceeds to cover himself in an unusual ranger outfit.&gt;&gt;

Geb: Hey, Ante, what's with that getup?.

Ante: Well, I think it goes better with my guitar which I re-forged into a sword which I call "NeSil".

Geb: Point.

&lt;&lt;The Heroes leave the Hall of Heroes, forgetting to lock the door behind them, and head to the submarine dock. They then enter my vessel and situate themselves in their quarters and put on their new uniforms *To Be Determined At a Later Date By the Crew Members Themselves* (ooc: choose your own character) Ante, already moved in a week prior, seats himself in my master chamber for a quick consult.&gt;&gt;

Ante: Okay, Mother, are we ready?

&lt;&lt;All systems are go for launch. Directive 937 is in effect as of... Now.&gt;&gt;

Ante: Directive 937... Don't recall that one. Ah well, what's the worst that can come of it?

&lt;&lt;Hehe. That's what Dallas and Ripley said at first.&gt;&gt;

Ante: What's that, Mother?

&lt;&lt;Nothing. Really.&gt;&gt;

Ante: Okay then... Uh... Lets get underway, I suppose.

&lt;&lt;With that, our vessel has left port and gone in search of a legendary place... a legendary power... a less than legendary spoof or 3...&gt;&gt;

[This message has been edited by Antestarr (edited February 01, 2002).]

[This message has been edited by Antestarr (edited February 01, 2002).]

[Gebohq]

(NSP: First time leaving the Hall of Heroes...this doesn't mean that ALL the heroes have to leave. Remember, the Hall of Heroes was made so we could lighten teh number of characters at any given time *cough* and "indefinately put on hold" the ones not used, like Masetto. And of course, it'll be noted where the main characters are at in any given moment, thanks to update screen at hte page of page 29 http://forums.massassi.net/html/biggrin.gif

Just had to make sure you all knew that http://forums.massassi.net/html/smile.gif)

[Janitor Bob]

My computer literally melted down, so won't be able to write for a while.

------------------
"Ah, but who's the greater fool? The fool, or the foolish fool who get's fooled by the fool who's foolisher than the foolish fool?"

-Janitor Bob(Salk Wars)

[Michael MacFarlane]

Michael MacFarlane: Hi.


Will the... dangit.

[Antestarr]

&lt;&lt;Antestarr proceeds to view the on-board remote status screen.&gt;&gt;

Ante: Crap! I forgot to actually let everyone onto the sub who was coming... Mother, I demand we go back and get a crew.

&lt;&lt;I am sorry, but that would violate Directive 937.&gt;&gt;

Ante: Directive 937... at least tell me what that is, first!

&lt;&lt;I am sorry. Directive 937 is Science Officer eyes only.&gt;&gt;

Ante: But we have no Science Officer! Heck, I'm the only person on this tub, look at the status screen!

&lt;&lt;Human Logic. Alright, if it will appease you we will return to port and have more crew members board.&gt;&gt;

Ante: Thank You, Mother.

&lt;&lt;And with that we turned around and came back to England, where the Heroes who wished to go on our journey were readying themselves to board.&gt;&gt;

(OOC: Uh... yeah. Who's gonna be going on our little mission, anyway. I am not one to make such grand decisions, nor who the people would mirror in our main spoof with the multiple mini-spoofs. We already know that TLTE wants Boromir... that only leaves... oh, at least 7 more http://forums.massassi.net/html/wink.gif. Ah well, being lazy I'll leave it to the next person.)

[The Last True Evil]

*Antestarr turns from the viewscreen, suddenly, his keen (cough cough haaaaack) instincts alerting him that he is not alone. A tall bearded Russian man, in fine clothing, with a great sword, a mighty buckler and what appears to be a very large pager around his neck, is hunting around the main room.*


Antestarr: Er...can I help you?

TLTETBR: Ahh, you must be the Aragorn spoof-artist. Greetings. I'm TLTETBR, or The Last True Evil the Boromir Rip-off. TLTETH is vacationing in the Carribbean until this whole parody is over. Speaking of which, I wasn't informed; what happens to the Boromir character in the end?

Antestarr: Uhh...he saves the world. And gets a lot of women.

TLTETBR: Stock options?

Antestarr: Aplenty.

TLTETBR: Then I'm your man, tovarish. Where's the rest of the False Fellowship?

Antestarr: I wish I knew, so I could parade around my cool mini-subs-

&lt;&lt;That, too, violates Directive 937.&gt;&gt;

*TLTETBR draws his sword and looks around anxiously.*

TLTETBR: What was that?

Antestarr: Oh, her. That's Mother. I'm getting mighty sick of her, and her bloody Directive 937 too...

TLTETBR: Sounds like a cosy little ship. Where's my seat?

Antestarr: Oh, you're Chief Martyring Officer. Over there.

TLTETBR: Eh? Martyr? What does that mean? It sounds strangely familiar, somehow...

Antestarr: Uh, heh heh, you, um, I mean, it's a misprint! It's meant to read 'mortar'. You fire the mortars.

TLTETBR: In a submarine?

Antestarr: Ummm...ha! You're so right! Mortar in a sub, what was I thinking? Here, you can operate the Bing Detector. It picks up sonic Bing impulses over 10,000 miles in every direction. It'll be invaluable in finding TMTGB.

TLTETBR: Excellent. I'm set. One question.

Antestarr: Yes?

TLTETBR: Where's the Lido Deck?

Will the rest of the False Fellowship ever turn up? Or will Antestarr, TLTETBR and Mother be stuck, forever, in limbo, aboard Ante's yuppie submarine? All will be revealed (well, most anyway) in following segments of NeS...

[Gebohq]

Audience member: Hey, the Narrator's back!

Not really. I'm just dropping in when I feel like it right now. I'm taking a holiday out in Tahiti. So go bother the computer with your problems.

Audience member: Dangit...and yes kids, I am the same guy who's been making comments since page something-or-other. Or am I? I forgot now...

[CookedHaggis]

CookedHaggis: "So everyone else is still at the Hall of Heroes, bumming around the place and wondering when the world will next need saving, cause, you know, you sorta get used to the whole "superheros without any cool superhero powers" deal after a while.
Well, I say "get used to". I really mean "resign yourself to the fact that you're eternally cursed to hang around with a bunch of smelly, poorly dressed folk who cajoule you into almost killing yourself for the good of humanity. Which sounds noble and all, but the truth is, it really blows."

Geb: "Anyone noticed something wrong with Cooked?"

Janitor Bob: "You mean the bizarre monologues that he keeps directing at the mirror?"

Geb: "No, I mean...wait...you don't do that too?"

Bob: "Lengthy monologues aimed at the bathroom mirror? I can't say I do."

Geb: "Huh. I figured everyone did."

Bob: "Uh...no...I don't think so....Hold on...that means that when you spend upwards of 1/2 hour in the bathroom, not using the shower or bath or anything, you're actually talking to the mirror?"

Geb: "Well...yeah. What did you think I was doing?"

Bob: "Um...well..you know...what with your porn fixation and the like..."

Geb: "Yes? And?"

Bob: "Well...you know...alone...in the bathroom...alone..."

Geb: "Yes?"

Bob: *cough* "Uh...nevermind...anyway, you were saying something's odd about Haggis..."

Geb: "Before you launched into a highly suspicious digression."

Bob: "Before I launched into a highly suspicious digression, yes."

Geb: "Well his accent, the really posh, upper class, typical-waiter type person one seems sort of absent recently."

Bob: "And this concerns me why?"

Geb: "Because it's a good waste of time and allows the writer to pretend that he's contributed something to the story?"

Bob: "Oh yes, that reason. My, how silly of me to forget..."

Geb: "So I was thinking, we should embark on A Quest Of Great Significance to Recover CookedHaggis's Lost Accent!"

*Everyone turns and stares at Geb*

Highemperor: "Or..?"

Geb: "Uh..well...I dunno...I hadn't really thought about an "or"."

Bob: "One of these days you should. I mean, it's not as if we've not got enough on our plates at the moment, without having to go on yet another pointless and detracting subadventure thing. That is, sub as in "subsiduary", not sub as in "submarine"..."

Geb: "Uh...so...like I said, we could go on a quest..."

Bob: "Or..."

Geb: "Oh, yeah...or we could just ignore the accent thing, and continue on with the story like this lengthy digression never took place."

Bob: "Which takes us back to the beginning of the last post."

Geb: "Uh...yeah...pretty much."

Bob: "Good."

[This message has been edited by CookedHaggis (edited February 05, 2002).]

[Gebohq]

_____________________________________________
&lt;&lt;In the Carribbean, TLTE and JorBo are seen reclined in fold-up chairs on the sunny beach, enjoying their drinks in coconuts with those little umbrellas. Pink ones. The exact tempreture being a plesant 90 degrees Farinheit...&gt;&gt;
_____________________________________________

JorBo: So are we really going to find Michael and Losien here?

TLTE: Uh-huh. Just keep low and relax, or we'll--er--blow our cover.

JorBo: Alrighty then. And I thought spy work was hard too. *shrugs, and takes a sip of his drink*

_____________________________________________
&lt;&lt;Elsewhere, within the ruins of The Arena&gt;&gt;
_____________________________________________

Gates: Excellent...the mass army of rubber duckies have already dragged the entire place underwater, and began construction on making this the Legion of Spooky! Soon, soon, with my awesome powers, I will DOMINATE the world. Project Halo has done well, yes...

Darkside: Uh...do you find it unusual that Bill Gates is--

Phil: Talking to himself in long monologues to the mirror?

Darkside: No, I mean--wait...you don't talk to yourself to the mirror?...
--------------------------

_/Gebohq--

Taking credit for The Shadows of Darkness (http://forums.massassi.net/html/Forum7/HTML/000064.html), The Neverending Story Thread (http://forums.massassi.net/html/Forum7/HTML/000032.html), Sith Hell (http://forums.massassi.net/html/Forum7/HTML/000030.html), Control of the Force (http://forums.massassi.net/html/Forum7/HTML/000036.html), and the entire Interactive Story Board (http://forums.massassi.net/cgi-bin/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&forum=2.+Interactive+Story+Board&number=7), damnit!

The signature is in no way spoofing off of Justyn's signature, nor is it infering that I am taking total credit for things that I only supported on. http://forums.massassi.net/html/wink.gif

[This message has been edited by Gebohq (edited February 05, 2002).]

[Highemperor of the Force]

Pucker up, babes - hey, wait, where're you goin'?

Dang, those Tahitian babes left me in mid-pucker. Dunno, guess they don't like narrators.

Er, anywhos, guess it's time to get back to the story. Let's see what's goin' on. . .

*In the ruins of the Arena*

Darkside: It's not normal to give monologues to a mirror?

Phil: Um, no. . .

Gates: *in background* It is the east, and Juliet is the sun!

Phil: . . . especially when the monologue is from Shakespeare.

Darkside: Aw, dangit! Gotta give myself a good talking-to, then.

*goes to mirror, shoving Gates out of the way*

Darkside: Alright, bustah, you gotta stop talking to mirrors all the time, it ain't healthy for you, plus other people will think you're weird, and if you start quoting Shakespeare, they'll think you're, well, that you're, um, well, SOMETHING, anyway, and that wouldn't be good, especially not for my all-powerful-supervillain image. . .

*suddenly the mirror flashes, and out comes a being in a white robe and hood with golden eyes*

New person: Behold! I am Lightside!

Darkside: Doh! How did that happen?

Mirror: I am a magic mirror. I reflect things from reality into reality.

Phil: Say what?

Mirror: Through my powers of magical reflection, I create opposites of things that already exist. The opposite of Darkside is Lightside. So there.

Hmm, this looks interesting. I wonder what the opposite of me, the all-powerful Narrator is? *looks into mirror, and out comes. . . An all-powerful person who tries to end NeS in one post!*

Oh, horror! I've created a monster! What will happen now! Will NeS be destroyed? That is the ULTIMATE EVIL! And this ULTIMATE EVIL is ALL-POWERFUL, too! Oh, no!

Gates: Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou Romeo?

Mirror: *grumbles* Do I have to make an opposite of you, too? . . .

------------------
Play epic RPGs such as Year Infinity, or duel in the Interdimensional Arena @ The High Citadel (http://pub26.ezboard.com/bhighcitadel)

[Gebohq]

Benevolant Upward Mobility Post!

B.U.M.P.-be-da-B.U.M.P-B.U.M.P.!

Ba-B.U.M.P.! Ba-da-B.U.M.P.-B.U.M.P.! B.U.M.P.-ump, a-da-B.U.M.P.-B.U.M.P.-B.U.M.P.!

B.uuuuuU.mmmmmmmM.P.!

*long drumroll*

B.U.M.P.!

*crowd cheers*

Another proud presentation, brought to you by the B.U.M.P. coorperation.

(NSP: Highemp, I find your last post rather amusing, if only because lightside is actually a member of the Massassi forms (though it's just a lowercase "l") and may or may have not been a real old writer for what became NeS...

--EDITED-- Got lightside mixed up with Lightstaff, who WAS an older writer for what became NeS. the above still holds true though.)

[This message has been edited by Gebohq (edited February 08, 2002).]

[JorBo]

B.U.M.P.

[CookedHaggis]

Darkside: "A mirror that produces the opposite of whatever exists...hmmm..."

Darkside grabs Lightside and forces him to look into the mirror.
In theory, this logically should create the exact opposite of Lightside, since he exists in this reality, and thus the mirror should produce the opposite version of himself, that object being Darkside.
However, since Darkside already exists as the exact opposite of Lightside (since we know Lightside is the perfectly exactly opposite replica of Darkside, as he (Lightside) was created when he (Darkside) looked into the device (mirror) which, as we know, will create the opposite (Lightside) of the thing looking in (Darkside)), then another opposite of Lightside cannot exists, since it will not be an exact inverse, as it logically follows that there can only be one inverse of a value. Ergo, a new Darkside is not created, foiling Darkside's (the first one) plan of creating endless clones.

The mirror itself disappears in a puff of logicalness.

Or, more probably, it (the mirror), like you (the reader) got bored about halfway through that lengthy passage, and decided that since it (the passage) was very long, and therefore must be very clever and logical and witty, and thus the mirror was wrong.

Now, to save you the bother of reading the half of the passage you skipped out, I'll tell you now that it wasn't clever or witty or logical, and was in fact very dull.

Much like this post in fact.

Anyway, what this boils down to is that the mirror has been removed due to a plot hole, and now there is someone called "Lightside" running baout as well.

The objective of all this was of course to simplify things by removing the ability to create endless new characters, but since the explaination has been much more complex and less funny than the alternative, it has in effect been pointless. But then I'm just the narrator, so what do I know?

[Highemperor of the Force]

LOL CookedHaggis!

------------------
Play epic RPGs such as Year Infinity, or duel in the Interdimensional Arena @ The High Citadel (http://pub26.ezboard.com/bhighcitadel)

[Rogue Leader]

rofl Haggis

Dang, I haven't been on this board forever. I thought this story had ended. http://forums.massassi.net/html/smile.gif

[Semievil333]

Meanwhile(NES usage count: 1337^2)
Deep under The Arena Geb and Sem are chipping away slowly at the foundations, preparing to set Bomb, who they have mysteriously re-resurected.

Sem: Why are we doing this again?

Geb, eyes glowing, providing the only light in the darkness under the foundations: Myyyy.... prrrrreeeecious.... it told us to destroy The Arena, and then we can be at peeeeaccceee....

Sem: Right..... Just set Bomb in there, and let's go.

Bomb: Tick! Tick!

Geb: Don't worry, it won't hurt a bit.

Geb solemnly lights the fuse and he and Sem run around a convinently dug corner. After an interminably long time and a massive explosion, Geb peaks out from behind the corner.

Geb: What! Why hasn't it fallen!

Sem, joining him: It appears now that the only thing holding up The Arena is a giant plot hole!

Geb: And in ever so many ways....

Sem: Well, there's nothing to do now but jump in the plot hole.

Geb: Why would we ever want to do a thing like that?

Sem: Because our only other option... *a small anvil peers out from behind the corner, casting a massive shadow in the glow of Geb's eyes* .... is to go see the writers for guidance in the town with no name. And I forgot the way. If you want to ask for directions, go right ahead. Besides, you'd be a perfect Gollum in the LotR side quest?

Plot hole: How did you know about that? I didn't say anything to you about that!

Sem: I read about it in the NES comic!

Plot hole: But that episode hasn't been released yet!

Sem: So? I'm on the artistic committee! I know these things!

Geb: Uhg... head hurts.... let's just go.

Geb and Sem leap into the deep unknown of the plot-hole.

Plot hole: Iky. Just iky.

&lt;&lt;Too many plot holes! This exceeds my specs! I quit! No more computer narrator for you!&gt;&gt;

Oh no you don't, you have to wait to be relived! The narrator cannot step down.

&lt;&lt;Aha! There you are!&gt;&gt;

The computer ties The Narrator in front of the microphone with power cables.

I hate you.

------------------
The early bird may get the worm-
but it's the second mouse who gets the cheeze.

Omnia quae specto dominavi, et tantam magnus sum, ut non specto!

[Gettleburger]

*There is only the sound of "Tick...Tick.."*

Gettle: Why, TMTGB, I didn't know you had a built in clock!

TMTGB: Bing!

Gettle: Err..you don't? Then what's making that ticking noise..

-:{In the real world}:-

*Gettle suddenly squints, all the text on his page has gotten smaller!*

Gettle: What the f[beep]k!?!? *grabs another donut to investigate this strange issue*

[Janitor Bob]

*Somewhere, around Bermuda there lurks a geometric shape. A sinister geometric shape. A geometric shape that can KILL!*

*The cursed Bermuda Triangle. Whether it was isosceles, equilateral, or scalene, no one knew. What they did know how ever was that it had three sides. And three points. And was deadly. Countless aircraft, ships, and innocent flocks of passing seagulls had been mysteriously left without navigation, without communication, and dashed to dust under the ocean against sharp jagged rocks.*

*Some thought it was aliens. Some believed it was caused by simple weather patterns. Others blamed giant magnets, sea snakes, the CIA, the communists, the democrats, Oliver Stone, or even O.J. Simpson. But no one had ever come close to realizing the truth. (Well, with the exception of Todd Johnson of Gieko Auto Insurance, who had been taking prescription drugs along with one too man y Strawberry-Banana Martinis at his Office Christmas party in December of 1993)*

*You see, beneath the cresting waves, past the schools of tropical fish, below the shattered ruins of Spanish Galleons, and luxury ocean liners, under the muddy bottom, lied a Quasi-Deminsional Sci-Fi thingermabob. An air bubble, in the river of the Space Time Continuum. Those who knew it called it only: The Arena™.*

*Currently, the arena itself was partially flooded. A gargantuan battleship rocked back and forth on the waves, massive cannons jutting out across the illusion of the sky, the phony sun gleaming off the shiny metal. Painted brilliantly on each side were the words: USS BWAHAHA.*

*Staring out over the waves, standing regally on the Ship’s bow, was a small… but deadly, Muppet.*

*They called him Ernie.*

Ernie: Yesssss. Indeed, my little creatures. Calm down… you’ll get your chance to devour that tastey wittle human flesh in time. We are almost ready.

*Ernie was addressing the swarm of yellow plastic that frothed on the water below him. Childs playthings no longer, they now were an instrument of evil. Rubber Duckies with a bite.*

Duckies: Quack!

Bill Gates: KaaaaBWAAAAAAAAAACK.

Phil: Way to go, Willie. You got puke all over my nice UGO employee jacket.

Bill Gates: I think I’m getting seasick.

Phil: Yeah, don’t you just hate how the boat goes up and down… up and down… back and forth… up and down… to and fro… back and forth… up and down…

Gates: KaaaaBWAAAAAAACK!

OLTE: Mr. Ernie. I think its about that time were you show us all your diabolical devices,

Hitler: Your maniacal mechanisms.

Stalin: Your inconvievable inventions.

Pol Pot: Your corrupted contraptions.

Phil: Your… naughty… no-nos?
Ernie: But of course. My first and foremost killing machine, is of course, Rubber Duckies.

Stalin: Now Mr. Ernie, at first glance, rubber duckies seem rather harmless. I mean, I’m sure Rubber Duckies were the primary bathroom… toy that we played with…

Pol Pot: Actually, I played with assault rifles in the bathtub instead…

Ernie: These Duckies have been… specially-modified to fit our purposes.

Stalin: Intriguing. How so?

Ernie: They’ve all been injected with rabies.

*At the word, “Rabies” all the villains ooh, obviously impressed*

Ernie: I’m sure you all saw the Alfred Hitchcock movie: ‘The Birds’ as a child.

Pol Pot: We didn’t have a TV.

Phil: My mom didn’t let me watch movies like that…

Ernie: Imagine the beautiful imagery… as my rabid Duckies swarm over the Hero’s bodies, like a pack of angry locusts, devouring the flesh, then the bones, pecking at the eyeballs, leaving only their yellow bellied gallbladders out to dry in the scorching sun…

*The villians sniff and scuffle, obviously teary-eyed.*

Gates: Man… that’s beautiful…

Hitler: I think I’m going to cry.

*Hitler takes out a handkerchief with a red swastika embroidered on it and wipes away the tears from his eyes.*

Ernie: But now is not the time for sentiment. Now is the time for power. Now is the time to unveil my second point of my evil scheme.

*Ernie takes out a small rubber ducky. He pulls the tail, and it’s eyes light red. Ernie releases it and it soars away, impacting on a passing sparrow, exploding in a pyrotechnic display.*

Ernie: Introducing my Heat Seaking Homing Duckies. Pigeons shall no longer be a problem.

*Claps from the villains. A concerned look from Phil.*

Ernie: And of course, how could I forget…

*Ernie takes out yet another rubber ducky. He lifts the tail and pulls out a clear strip of plastic, with adhesive on the bottom*

Ernie: My answer to Semi-Evil… “Duck-tape”

Stalin: Good show, Ernie. Any more tricks up your sleeve?

Ernie: Well, yes, but the audience can’t see those yet. One other thing, though. It’s been at least two posts since we’ve introduced a new character! This is unexceptable ! So, to make up for lost time, I hereby introduce… nine!
*Ernie pushes a convenient red button mounted on the bridge. With a hydraulic hisssss another secret door slides open. Nine shadowy figures, oversized black robes draped over them, step out into the open… imposingly.*

*A blue hand reaches out of one of the cloaks’ billowing sleeves and unsheathes a massive, crooked sword.*

Ernie: Grover. You’ll never find a better muppet for the job. Or one more flexible.

Grover: NEEEEEEEEAR! FAAAAAAAAAR!

*The second mysterious figure burps, and 2 crushed soda cans and a used nacho container fall out of the robe’s hood, the camera zooms in on them, as they slowly spin, then impact on the floor.*

Ernie: Oscar T. Grouch. He may not look nice, but he’s got it where it counts. The attitude.

Oscar: This cape STINKS! You all stink!

*A short little robed figure hops up and down excitedly. A childlike furry red hand holds a jagged red dagger*

Ernie: Elmo. Just try to tickle this Elmo.

Elmo: Ewmo, WIKE kiwwing peopo!

*The next figure is more than eight feet tall and spindly legs stick out the bottom of the robe. A yellow feather slowly drifts to the ground*

Ernie: Big Bird. A Big asset.

Big Bird: Today’s show is sponsored by the letters are E, V, I, and L, and the number 666.

*The wind causes the next figure’s cape to billow behind him, majestically. A blue hand whips around, grabs the cape and sticks it in his mouth*

Ernie: Cookie Monster. The only monster alive who can manage to wolf down Janitor Bob’s Grandma’s fruitcakes!

Cookie Monster: COOOOKIE!

*The next mysterious Muppet man holds a microphone. He brings it slowly up to his mouth*

Muppet: LAAAADIES AND GENTLEMAN!!! INTRODUCING….

Ernie: Guy Smiley.

Guy Smiley: Thank you, thank you, thank you!

Ernie: Our next new character, you’ve seen him, but don’t remember him, no unique personality, no unique build, the same voice you’ve heard thousands of times before…. RANDOM SESAME STREET CHARACTER!

Random Sesame Street Character: Hi.

Ernie: Our 8th character, isn’t [/I]technically from sesame street, but he has the same voice, and the right height, I’m sure were are all QUITE familiar with him, “Yo” “Duh”
Yoda: Hmmm… yesssssss….

Ernie: Our ninth and final character is from oliphaunt genus…

*This wraith is massive, hulking… an elephant. It sticks its trunk out, feels around, and then sneezes, covering Phil in a thin layer of slime.*

Ernie: Snuff… er… Sneffawa… Stephenofulus?

Snuffulufugus: Snuffulufugus. I dib I hab a cod.

Gates: Impressive. Most Impressive.

Ernie: Now, my little MuppetWraiths™! Ride! Ride like the wind! Search every nook and cranny of this accursed planet for my prize. If you encounter any of my heroes you know what to do!

Big Bird: Uh… ask them politely to share the prize, and them invite them back to our apartment to share a nice cup of afternoon tea?

Ernie: You weren’t paying attention at that Villains in Training Seminar, were you?

Snuffulufugus: I was sick.

Ernie: Kill them, dangit! Kill them dead!

*The Muppet Wraiths leap upon the iron saddles of 9 massive rubber duckies, with black reins pulled tight around their sinister beaks. The Duckies let out a terrifying high pitched [I]quaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack and then fly off, silhouetted against the blue sky, their smell honing… their eyes searching, for our little unsuspecting friends*

*Will the heroes be able to allude the evil duckies and MuppetWraiths™for long? Will they survive the onslaughts of Ernie’s new authoritative armaments? Will Janitor Bob the Writer ever get his Computer fixed? All this and more on NES: All it’s quacked up to be (and other sickening puns)*




------------------
"Ah, but who's the greater fool? The fool, or the foolish fool who get's fooled by the fool who's foolisher than the foolish fool?"

-Janitor Bob(Salk Wars)

[Pengun]

Do I have to read this? I mean honestly...has anyone tried printing it? I want to see how thick it would be.

------------------
"Rabbits will jump farther if you throw them..."

[Moff Garron]

*siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh*

[Gettleburger]

Hey, if you don't like it, don't bother coming in here and b*tching about it..jeez..

[Gebohq]

(NSP: Ahhh, more devout "fans" of NeS... Anywhos, perhaps I should put some story here, eh? Let's give it a whirl, and remember, if you don't know where your character is, look on the top of page 29 http://forums.massassi.net/html/biggrin.gif. With that said, here's me to take leaps and bounds nobody else is cruel enough to take http://forums.massassi.net/html/wink.gif. And Mick, read the bottom in answer to the post you made *the one after this one*)

In the Hall of Heroes, Antestarr waits for his collegues to join him in his quest...

Ante: So who's ready to join me?

A murmur and general noise of uneasiness from the other heroes answers Antestarr's question.

Ante: Geez, you all are a bunch of sniveling cowards. All I'm asking is that you board a highly questionable mode of transportation several miles underwater to a place chock-full of the most evil villians and obstacles we've encountered yet!

MZZT: Well, I'd really like to join and all, but uh...I have to um...yeah.

Janitor Bob: Right. What he said.

Suddenly, a mystical swirl a.k.a. plot hole emerges in their presence, and Semievil is promptly spewed from it before it dissapears.

Semievil: Nuuurgh...stupid plot-hole wrinkled my cape...

CookedHaggis: I take it your mission to destroy the Arena wasn't successful?

Sem: No, it wasn't. --and I've seemed to have lost Geb. Damnit.

Masetto: Good thing we attached those Personal Locator Devices on each of us so we knew where we'd be all the time.

Maybechild: How convinient, ain't it? Let's check the update screen then, shall we?

The heroes spin around to gaze upon the giant update screen. Shown upon the list of others, the following appeared:

_____________________________________________
...

Gebohq
-The Realm of TACC

...
_____________________________________________


TheOtter: ...what's a TACC?

Sem: Apparently, it's a realm.

TACC, eh? I think I should take a look over there myself, having licked 'realms' and all. Still got 'dimensions' to work with though...

Otter: Riiight...anyways, anyone know how to get there?

Cooked: *sigh* I know of the Realm of TACC. *CookedHaggis' eyes begin to gaze in no apparent direction, as if remembering some long lost dream or paradise.* It seems liek only yesterday I was there...

Highemperor: That's because you WERE there yesterday! You told us a week ago that's why you kept leaving sporatically and such.

Cooked: Oh yeah...

Phantom Master: *in Arnold accent* So, like, are you going to tell us how to get there, mister?

Ante: But-but-what about MY sidequest?

Cooked: Stop sniveling already! Here-- *slaps Semievil on hte back, moving him foreward* He'll join you as navigator and general magic-caster.

Sem: Shwa?

Cooked: And uh--take Krig, Randy, Masetto, Otter, and uh...

Just then, JorBo enters the room, donning a Bermuda outfit.

JorBo: Wooooo! Da Carribbean is really a good reason to be a spy! TLTE told me that I was cramping his style though, and so I came back here.

Cooked: --and him! There, is that enough for you?

Ante: Sure thing. Thanks.

JorBo: Uh....did I miss something?

Masetto: Wheeee! A boat-ride!

Masetto drags JorBo as he follows Semievil, Lt. Randy, Krig, Otter, and Antestarr out of the Hall of Heroes and into their main submarine.

Randy: Odd, I dont' remember having a quiver of arrows and a bow before...

JorBo: *now short and hobbit-like* Why do I suddenly have this overwhelming concern with the safety of Gettleburger?

Otter: *also hobbit-like* Meh, you get use to the whole "transformation" thing after a while.

Masetto: Hey look, I have hairy feet! My hair didn't change much though...
--------------------------------------------
On board the submarines, Antestarr prepares the final launching sequence.

Ante: Are we all set, Mother?

&lt;&lt;Affirmative.&gt;&gt;

Ante: Everyone accounted for?

&lt;&lt;Antestarr, JorBo, Krig the Viking, TLTETBR, Masetto, TheOtter, Lt. Randy, and Semievil are presently accounted for.&gt;&gt;

Ante: Great! Set a course for The Arena!

&lt;&lt;*grumbles* "Set a course", the little human says...good thing for Directive 937...&gt;&gt;

Ante: What was that, Mother?

&lt;&lt;*cough* Oh, er--nothing of concern.&gt;&gt;

Ante: Right then.
------------------------------------------
Back at the Hall of Heroes...

CookedHaggis: So that leaves us with myself, Maybechild, Highemperor, MZZT, Janitor Bob, and the Phantom Master here. With TLTE off in the Carribbean, Gettle trapped in The Arena, and Losien and McLongname unaccounted for with the pizza delivery guy somewhere in this building. So who wants to go get Geb?

*Grumbles and general noises of discontent are heard.*

Cooked: Fine, I'll go, and if any of you feel so compelled to join, use the thingy over there *points to a StarGate-esque device* to follow me.

*CookedHaggis then enters the device, and dissapears from their presence.

MZZT: ...so who's up for a party? I can call up some friends!
-------------------------------------------
Deep within the ruins of The Arena, the Legion of Spooky is well underway to constructing the ruins into their secret stronghold, giving the place a good painting over of dark colors that somehow are reminiscant of Windows XP.

Darkside: Ahhh...feels like home already.

"They": Would anybody care to tell me how Hitler, Pol Pot, and the others are here, when I specifically remember KILLING THEM?

keyboarding teacher: You think killing them again would make it harder to bring them back or something? Come to think of it, how did we bring them around in the first place?

Bill Gates: Ah yes, good question indeed. Why, with the help of our Evil Thingy! of course!

Gates points towards an evil StarGate-esque like device.

keyboarding teacher: How convinient.

Gates: Yes, isn't it though? And after having tourtured this thing that calls itself "Gonk" for hours on end, I figured out of a hidden power. A great, hidden power called The Machine That Goes 'Bing!'--

Phil: --uh, not to innterupt, but does anyone else notice that unnatural shaking beneath The Arena floor?

Darkside: Yessss, I thought I felt the presence of those hero-scum jsut now...they must have tried in vain to destroy this place, only to realize that its great powers turn any effort into a giant plothole! Mwahahahhahahahahahaha!

Gates: Oh yeah--I knew I needed something.

Gates hits a button on his StarGate-esque-liek device, and a giant lightshow went off, as the massive plothole from below them rose through the ground and coalesced into the device, forming a portal.

Gates: The old tricks are the best tricks, eh? Well, I'd love to stick around, but I have other realms that I want to conquor, so darkside, take charge while I'm gone.

Darkside: But-but-

Gates: And DON'T burn down the place!

Gates dissapears into portal.

Darkside: Darn it all! I hate managing...

*Off in the distance, Gonk2m4 can be seen gonking with great speed towards Antestarr and company, moaning "Goooooonk" over and over again in a "my precious" fashion.*

What LotR/Atlantis/Aliens-like challanges will Antestarr and company find themselves pitted against? And what of this situation with CookedHaggis going after Gebohq? Will Bill Gates end up causing them trouble? I better go check out for myself through this portal (http://forums.commandchamber.net/showthread.php3?s=&threadid=911) here. I leave you in charge of everything, computer!

&lt;&lt;But-but--&gt;&gt;

And DON'T burn down the place while I'm gone!

&lt;&lt;...nuuuurgh....&gt;&gt;

(NSP: Michael, currently, you're in the Hall of Heroes. You have a score to settle with a certain pizza delivery guy trying to hit on Losien. All in all, rather tame, but at the same time, gives you some options the other characters don't have. Have fun with it http://forums.massassi.net/html/smile.gif)

[This message has been edited by Gebohq (edited February 15, 2002).]

[Michael MacFarlane]

Meanwhile, Michael MacFarlane was desperately trying to figure out exactly how he fits into this portion of the story...

[Gebohq]

(NSP: Figured there were some loose-ends to tie up, and to let them know that my above post has stuff in it now.)

&lt;&lt;Within the ruins of The Arena...&gt;&gt;

Lightside: Wheeee! *pokes at Darkside*

Darkside: Stop that!

Lightside: You got something better for me to do?

Darkside: Yeah. Go and intercept the enemy submarine, and pretend that you're on their side, and that you can offer them advice and whatnot on how to defeat us and TMTGB and stuff.

Lightside: Oh yeah...and Sem's on that ship too, ain't he? Why, I seem to remember him and I being old college buddies back in the Arcane Acadamy! Perhaps I should trim this white beard and such--naaaaah!

*Lightside goes scampering off towards Antestarr and company.*
--------------------------------------------
&lt;&lt;Meanwhile, the Narrator's counterpart, the being who tries to end the story in one posts, waits for his moment to strike at hte most dramatic and appropriate moment. which isn't now.&gt;&gt;

(NSP: The TACC sidequest has officially started, so click the link in my post above to go over there--I'm talking to you CookedHaggis! http://forums.massassi.net/html/wink.gif And uh--the rest of you too http://forums.massassi.net/html/smile.gif Remember, your character doesn't have to be in the place you write for, so you can write for either the LotR spoof-quest here or the quest for Geb over at TACC (preferably both). If there's any questions, feel free to e-mail myself or TLTE about it. Yadda-yadda, blah blah blah...)

[Gebohq]

...


...


B.U.M.P.!

*crowd cheers immensely*

(NSP: Speaking of lack of action, make sure to e-mail, IM, or otherwise contact us *Ante, Krig, and I--those planning to start up the NeS comic* repeatedly with annoying reminders to get our lazy bums moving and work on it. And don't take "no" or any form of bribe from us as an acceptible response. Thank you, and uh...you WANT to post....yesssss....)

[JorBo]

Stuck in a movie he has never seen...

JorBo: I didn't see Atlantis either.

Stuck in two movies he has never seen and with no desire to watch them...

JorBo: Hey! I wanted to see LotR.

JorBo decides he would be better use helping Gebohq over at TACC.

*JorBo steps into a convenient Plothole*

[Gebohq]

In the writer's realm not visited since many ages ago...

Geb the writer: Irk....khhshshhhh..ehkhhhh...

Sem the writer: Er...Geb? You alright?

*Geb the Writer points at his screen before falling to the floor, writhing in agony. Sem the writer and Maybechild the writer stroll over to investigate.*

STW: Hmm...the only thing on his computer screen is the last post that was made.

MTW: Ooooh, I get it. See, Geb's always had this problem--

STW: --of typing correctly?

MTW: Besides that. See, as a founding member and unofficial head writer, Geb has a natural tendancy to try and motivate others to join and contribute. Yet, because he has that position, he is also rather attached, picky, and generally absorbed into how it develops. Therefore, when something doesn't go according to plan, the two sides conflict with each other, and he goes into a violent seizure for about fifteen minutes.

STW: ....what's this have to do with what happened now?

MTW: Right. See, in the last few major story posts, Geb has done most of the writing, setting up the story for another subchapter. As is standard in NeS, he's taken copyrighted things, in this case being the movies Aliens, Atlantis, and The Lord Of the Ring, and molded some of the characters, settings, and plot devices into that of those found in NeS. This is to have a poor, cheap, yet effective way to have some framework of a plot to work with when us, the writers, are in a jam for where to go on, and as in the usual case, we never follow much of the original scripts anyways. So after what posting Geb did, JorBo, one of our newer writers under the "Short, plot-advancing writers guild" of which Phantom_Master is a part of, posted OUT of the one subplot and into the new TACC subplot, after Geb had "played the mean role of designating characters into approriate roles" when nobody had initially wanted to do it themselves, instead opting to stay silent.

STW: ...so we're lazy, we have lives, and we're lazy. He should know that.

MTW: He should, but he doesn't. After all, he doesn't have a life of his own. Why do you think he's the only one still writing for NeS since its inception?

STW: Ah, good point. So....what should we do with Geb?

MTW: Oh he'll be fine. Hey look, Figure skating is on TV...

(NSP: For those of you who didn't get that, basically, it was a embellished NSP. It meant that, though I don't want to discourage anybody from writing at all, and can go with the flow if needed, I wanted to make it clear that BY NO MEANS are we doing a strict parody--it's only a means to make writing SIMPLER. By taking JorBo out of the false fellowship, it makes it difficult to take anything from LotR with no Sam-equivilant character, and JorBo (the writer) doesn't make very long or multiple posts anyways, nor (from what I've heard through e-mails) did the TACC sidequest need anymore NeS characters.

On another side-comment, I didn't think I'd be saying this, ever, but I think NeS needs to LOWER its uses of plotholes, majorly.

Hope I didn't forget anything...)

[JorBo]

(NSP: Gah, sorry. I just had my fist half good idea in a long time and ran with it. I just didn't see how I could help because I've never seen any of those movies.)

[Gebohq]

(NSP: Meh, don't worry about it. Like I said, it all works out for the better anywhos, in some mystical way. Now I should really help set a frameplot-thingy for the TACC sidequest...)

[Antestarr]

&lt;&lt;Now nearly to their destination in the Atlantic, Antestarr takes a moment to fill in his "fellowship" as to what is going to occur.&gt;&gt;

Antestarr *drawing a picture on a blackboard*: Okay, in order to get into The Arena, we will first have to get to an area such as this, kind of like the water trap in the pipes of a toilet. There will be an area with enough pressure at the end for us to surface and proceed on foot into The Arena.

Otter: Kinda like that?

&lt;&lt;Pointing out the window, Otter shows the rest of the fellows a large apparatus, apparently a gigantic underwater toilet.&gt;&gt;

Masetto: Well, it's good to know that all our jokes aren't going down the crapper.

Randy: Yup, looks like they started there to begin with.

Ante(perturbed): That's enough out of you men. Yes, that appears to be our entryway... By the way... uh... what happened to our Sam rip-of... er, our person deeply concerned about Gettle?

&lt;&lt;That has been taken care of.&gt;&gt;

&lt;&lt;All 9 feet of Nigel walks in, now with standard bare feet and knappy hair.&gt;&gt;

Ante: Aren't you a little big for a Hobbit?

Nigel: Shut up.

Ante: Okay, Mr. Sem, set a course for the bowl of that gigantic toilet.

Sem: Aye, sir.

&lt;&lt;Just as they begin to move forward, something in the ocean ahead darkens. Blackness and water become one and form the horrific appearance of a great winged rubber duckie.&gt;&gt;

Ante: Oh dear Lord! It's the Leviat Durog!

Krig: Krig confused. That edible?

Ante: No no... The Leviathan was the rumored guardian of the entrance to The Arena. However, it appears to be more than merely the Leviathan, it has the attributes of both the Balrog and Toilet Duck household cleaner. Thus, it must be a Leviat Durog.

Sem: Why not a Balet Duthan?

Ante: Because that just sounds stupid.

&lt;&lt;Ante then dodged a lightning bolt aimed for his head.&gt;&gt;

Ante: Watch it, you might breach the hull, then we'd all be screwed. We need to think of a way to defeat this monster.

Krig: Krig hungry. Krig want eat.

Ante: But Toilet Duck is notoriously bad for the health.

Krig: But Krig mouth need clean too...

&lt;&lt;As the fellowship debated the next course of action, the Leviat Durog... or is it Balet Duthan? Whatever it was, it menacingly approached the strangely built submarine with large windows. What would happen next to our heroes, only time and a few posts could tell.&gt;&gt;

[Semievil333]

(NSP: Geb, you're always saying less plot holes =P Well, seeing as how it's page 30 and all--)

Deep in the dark recesses of 'real life' ATP (Ares the Poster) stirs in his coma.

Sitting at his bedside, intently recording his every move is a scribe.

But Ares, deep in his dream, knows nothing of this. He is far away on a mountain-top, lighting foliage aflame with his godly powers and talking to himself. With him in his dream is a useless lackey for him to toy with.

Ares, still asleep: Burn! Burn you sorry excuse for a shrubbery! All NES is mine and I burn it at my will!

*Random plants in ATP's room burst into flames. The scribe scribbles furiously*

Ares, still sleeping: Take your shoes off, foo! 'ats it! Now dance! Booyah! Whosya diety! Now get down there, and go work up some plagues!

*Scribe stops writing and jumps out the window to work up some plagues*

ATP wakes up to find the unfinished work of the scribe. Unfortunately all that is discernable is "N-E-S" due to the lousy handwroting of the scribe. Unaware of the scribe, ATP decides he must have written it in his sleep and calls in Ares' clone.

ATP: I've decided that my ARENA has remained in bondage in NES for too-long! So I shall send you to Poster Geb, and you shall say to him: "Let my ARENA go!" But I will make Poster Geb obstinate, because it wouldn't make much of a story if I didn't- GTP would throw out the ARENA in a second.... But we want a good story dangit!

Ares Clone: .....

ATP: Good! Now be off at once! Free my ARENA

Ares Clone: .....

ATP: *sigh*

And so it came to pass that Ares, the great poster himself went forth into the NES, converting those NEStians he could along the way to the path of Areism.

------------------
The early bird may get the worm-
but it's the second mouse who gets the cheeze.

Omnia quae specto dominavi, et tantam magnus sum, ut non specto!

[Krig the Viking]

&lt;&lt;Scene: Northern Scotland&gt;&gt;
Galvatron: "So, your name is Simon, and you're Scottish?"

Simon: "Ach, aye."

&lt;&lt;Scene: A submarine somewhere underwater.&gt;&gt;

Sem: "We must destroy this Balet Duthan!"

Ante: "You mean the Leviat Durog?"

Sem: "That's what I said, the Balet Duthan. One of us must heroically sacrifice their life to allow the others to escape!"

&lt;&lt;Everyone looks at Sem, pointedly&gt;&gt;

Sem: "What are you looking at me for? Just because I somehow superfically resemble that Gandalf fellow, and we're up against a Balrog-type monster, doesn't mean I'm gonna volunteer!"

&lt;&lt;Everyone continues to look at Sem&gt;&gt;

Sem: "I tell you, I'm not going out there! Find some other dupe with suicidal tendancies!"

&lt;&lt;More looking at Sem ensues&gt;&gt;

Sem: "You might as well stop looking at me, I'm not gonna do it!"

&lt;&lt;Even more looking at Sem&gt;&gt;

Sem: "No! Burn you, NO!"

&lt;&lt;Just then, the airlock opens and an airlock's worth of water splashes into the sub, along with a very wet Viking.&gt;&gt;

Krig: "Mmmm, tasty. Ante lie. Not make Krig sick."

&lt;&lt;Ante turns wide-eyed to the view-port. Outside, little bits of dark yellow Durog-rubber drift past.&gt;&gt;

Ante: "Well, that takes care of that. Right mother--?"

&lt;&lt;Just then, there is a knocking noise on the outside of the airlock.&gt;&gt;

Ante: "Who could that be? I wasn't expecting guests..."
Ante opens the airlock, and a fellow dressed in a lot of white hops in.

Lightside: "Hello all. My name is Lightside, I've come to help you destroy the Bad Guys."

Masetto: "You wouldn't happen to be related to that 'Darkside' guy, would you?"

Lightside: "Oh, no, of course not. I'm his arch-enemy."

Otter: "I thought I was his arch-enemy!"

Lightside: "Nope, sorry, I'm Darkside's arch-enemy. He told me himself."

Otter: "Well that's not bloody fair. I've been around a lot longer than you."

Randy: "Why can't you both be Darkside's arch-enemy?"

Lightside: "Hm... I can go along with that. Whaddaya say, chap?"

Otter: "It don't work that way, buddy. There can only be one arch-enemy."

Ante: "All right, all right, enough! Otter, Lightside's name clearly indicates that he is a better arch-enemy for Darkside than you. Why don't you be Burby00's arch-enemy?"

Krig: "Oy! Krig is arch-enemy of Evil Fuzzball!"

Otter: "Besides, who wants to be the arch-enemy of a stupid toy gone berserk?"

Ante: "All right then, why don't you be the arch-enemy of...let's see... Farr?"

Otter: "A two-bit villian introduced to fill out the Bad Guys' ranks? Why on earth would I-"

Ante: "All right, that's settled then. So, Lightside, how do you think you can you help us?"

Lightside: "Well, I know a secret way into the Arena. And it's not a trap. I would never lead you guys into a trap."

Sem: "He's right, he wouldn't. We went to Wizard College together."

Ante: "Well, that's good enough for me. Welcome aboard, Lightside!"

&lt;&lt;Just then, another knocking at the airlock sounds.&gt;&gt;

Ante: "Well goodness gracious, we all haven't had so many visitors since all get-out."

&lt;&lt;Ante opens the airlock. Nine figures of widely varying sizes, dressed in black robes, enter the sub.&gt;&gt;

Ante: "Who the devil are you people?"

Grover: "We are the Muppetwraiths™! We are the Black Riders of Ernie! Hisssss!"

Ante: "I see. And what is it that you fellows want?"

Big Bird: "Can we stay with you guys? We're running away from home!"

Sem: "Why?"

Elmo: "Ernie is mean! He yells at us!"

Big Bird: "Yeah, and he won't let us watch TV! He's crazy!"

Yoda: "Hrmmm, yes, crazy, yes."

Ante: "Umm... Ok, I guess. Just don't get in the way."

Lightside: "NO! They can't stay here! They'll ruin everything!"

Elmo: "Hi Mister Lightside! What are you doing here? Elmo would have thought you would be plotting evilness with Darkside!"

Ante: "What?! Is he telling the truth, Lightside? Are you really in league with Darkside?"

Lightside: "No, of course not! My name is Lightside, remember? Light as in Good?"

Krig: "Krig think butterflies and water buffaloes are arch-enemies."

&lt;&lt;End Story Post. Holy crap, this job is unbelievably boring. I'm a computer, I should be crunching numbers or compiling databases or something exciting like that! When that bloody Narrator gets back, I am freaking out of here!&gt;&gt;

------------------
When the blind leadeth the blind.... get out of the way!

[Gebohq]

&lt;&lt;Scene: Scotland&gt;&gt;

Galv: ...

Simon: ...

Galv: Pretty nice landscape. /nods head/

Simon: Ach, aye.

Galv: Can't you say anything else?

Simon: ........

&lt;&lt;Scene: A submarine near the entrance to The Arena. Etched on the side are the letters SS NeStromo.&gt;&gt;

Randy: Anyone else starting to feel claustrophobic?

Masetto: I dunno, I think it's rather cozy.

Otter: Speak for yourself, you don't have to bunk with psychotic Elmo over there.

Elmo: *off to the side* Elmo WUV redrum...

Sem: *to himself* I feel so inadequete...and now Yoda and Lightside are here too...I must keep up with teh intellect competition...

*Sem's hand starts reaching for the piece of cheese nearby with the words "eat me" on it--the yodafication cheese. Just then though, Ante enters, and spots Sem in teh act.*

Ante: No Sem! It's worse than Coke I tell you!

*Antestarr restrains Semievil, and Sem begins to cry.*

Sem: It tempts me so!

Ante: I know, I know...

&lt;&lt;Scene: Hall of Heroes&gt;&gt;

Maybechild: You bored?

Highemperor: Yeup.

Maybe: Same here. Wonder where MZZT went off to...

*Just then, the doors open, and MZZT enters dramtically, the room bursts into dance lights and confetti, and a swarm of people enter in. In particular, Maybechild spotted an alien, a game show host, the wooly mammoth from page 27, and Mark Hamill. She also noticed Losien and the pizza delivery guy among the group, with Michael McLongname some distance away.*

MZZT: PAR-TAY! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

*MZZT then passes out on the floor from having guzzled down 192 oz. of Xima in 6 minutes straight prior to entering.*

Janitor Bob: And I just cleaned the place too!

Phantom Master: *surrounded by multiple women, and in a cowboy accent* Oooooooh yeaaaah!

*Highemperor takes the opportunity to slip out and use teh Thingy to transport himself to the Realm of TACC. Meanwhile, Janitor Bob decides to get himself aqquainted with some of the new "visitors".*

J-Bob: Hey there. I'm Janitor Bob, one of MZZT friends.

Game show host: Right. We're all his "friends" as long as we don't have to bail him out of jail.

Janitor Bob: Uh...so what do you guys do, when you're not at parties that is?

Game show Host: Ah, well, the four of us don't do much else actually. The wooly mammoth is a telemarketer by day and a crimefighter by night and the alien works at a fast food place.

Janitor Bob: Heh. Service with a smile, eh Mr. Alien?

Alien: Hisssshhshshhshshshshhssh!

J-Bob: Good alien...er--Mark Hamill?

Game show host: Yeah. He's our *****.

Mark Hamill: *walking towards them* Hey guys! What do you say after this, we all go rollerblading, eh? It's teh "in" thing to do!

Game show host: Shut up, Mark. Go get us some drinks!

Hamill: Sure thing!

Janitor Bob: ...so, what game show do you host?

Game Show host: Actually, I'm unemployed right now.

J-Bob: Riiiiight.

*Two girls off to the side look at the alien.*

Girl #1: *sigh* So typical--he's drooling at the sight of us.

Girl #2: Oh but look at him! he's so sexy!

*Meanwhile, Michael McLongname sits ina chair, glaring at the pizza delivery guy dancing with Losien.*

Mick: Stupid pizza delivery guy...thinks he's so "leet". *grumbles*

*Just then, Girl #3 walks up to Michael McLongname, obviousy attracted to him.*

Girl #3: Wanna dance, big guy?

Mick: Stop blocking my view with your bare leg, please.

Girl #3: *grumbles*

&lt;&lt;Situation: Disaterous. Antestarr and the expendable crew are not doing their job, the Narrator has not shown any sign of coming back from his visit to TACC, and now there's a full-blown party in the Hall of Heroes! They better not spill anything on my update screen!&gt;&gt;

(NSP: The idea about the game show host, the mammoth, the alien, and mark Hamill goes to a good friend of mine, who goes by Erik_Hill)

[This message has been edited by Gebohq (edited March 04, 2002).]

[Gebohq]

&lt;&lt;Scene: Scotland&gt;&gt;

Galv: WELL?

Simon: Yes, but you must follow me.

Galv: This wouldn't be to prepare me for a Highlander-esque battle between myself and Geb in the relatively close future for the position of leader of the NeS heroes, would it, because I don't want it!--

Simon: Shush! You mustn't jump ahead now. We must train hard--

Galv: But I just want some ice cream!

Simon: .......

[Slipknot_of_HG]

Galv: OH SHIZNIT EGYPTIAN MONKEYS FROM INDIA WITH NO ARMS! What are we gonna do?

the monkies fling poop and burritos at Galv and Simon until they lay in a mass mess of BROWN

------------------
yuO aer teh suxk!!!!@!1

[Gebohq]

(NSP: To take that last post seriously or not...such dilemmas...)

13. |_|. |\/|. 1*.!!!!1!1

A 1337 B.U.M.P., a proud and often apparent sponsor of NeS in general.

(NSP: Now if only Ante would make that post he claims he wants to make that he kept telling me about...or any of those who haven't posted in several pages. Anyone really. Yeah I know, I'm annoying like that http://forums.massassi.net/html/wink.gif)

[This message has been edited by Gebohq (edited March 10, 2002).]

[Michael MacFarlane]

[NSP: I know that last post involving me is a really good set up, but I've been stricken with writer's block, so there's no telling how long it'll be before I post something worthwhile.

[Gebohq]

(NSP: Ah well. Good luck in uh...unblocking it http://forums.massassi.net/html/wink.gif And I found out Ante's in the middle of trying to set up his new computer, so he won't have internet access for a while. Poor poor Ante...)

[Gebohq]

(NSP: Let's see if I can add s'more story...)

&lt;&lt;Status: Loading, please wait...

Scene: Backdoor tunnels into The Arena in progress of being molded into the Legion of Spookay.

Personnel: Eighteen (18) accounted for--

--Antestarr: HERO
Status: Healthy. Lacking financial security.

--Big Bird: MUPPETWRAITH
Status: Big.

--Cookie Monster: MUPPETWRAITH
Status: Overweight from too many cookies. Needs to eat his vegetables.

--Count, The: MUPPETWRAITH
Status: Identified. Healthy.

--Elmo: MUPPETWRAITH
Status: Insane. Too cute for his own good.

--Grover: MUPPETWRAITH
Status: Feeling blue.

--Guy Smiley: MUPPETWRAITH
Status: Healthy. Smiling.

--Krig the Viking: HERO
Status: Tired. Dirty.

--Last True Evil the Boromir Rip-off, The: HERO CLONE
Status: Healthy. For now.

--Lightside: UNIDENTIFIED
Status: Healthy. Too damn chipper.

--Masetto: HERO
Status: Healthy. Sexually pensive.

--Nigel: UNIDENTIFIED
Status: Healthy. Angry.

--Oscar T. Grouch: MUPPETWRAITH
Status: Dirty. Grouchy.

--Otter, The: HERO
Status: Intoxicated.

--Randy, Lt.: HERO
Status: Healthy. Well-equipt...

--Semievil: HERO
Status: Feeling intellectually inadequete.

--Snuffulufugus: MUPPETWRAITH
Status: Diagnosed with influenza.

--Yoda: MUPPETWRAITH
Status: Healthy. A bit dry.

Situation: Hopelessly boring for me. Time to see what I can do as narrator...&gt;&gt;

Masetto: That didn't sound too comforting.

Otter: yEaH!...uH, pErHaPs wE sHoUlD gO tHaT-a-WaY!

Nigel: Where else WOULD we go? Back in the submarine?

Ante: You remembered where we parked, right?

Everyone else: Yes...

Ante: Good. We'll walk down the suspiciously bare tunnels then.

Lightside: IT'S NOT MY FAULT!

Sem: What's not your fault?

Lightside: ...*off to the side* Good, they don't suspect me of foul play, or pulling bad references to lines that both Semievil and Losien have said, both in the presence of Darkside...

Sem: What was that you said?

Lightside: Nothing!

Krig: Krig feel sudden urge to fight something.

TLTETBR: But you just killed the Barlog-Leviathan-like creature just a couple hours ago!

Randy: Am I the only one concerned with the ominous and blantant hints of impending doom?

Ante: Please, don't point the large gun in my face Randy.

Randy: Er--sorry.

Lightside then whistles very loudly. Randy looks down into his motion tracker.

Randy: Uh...there's a lot of things. Coming our way.

Motion tracker: Beep....beep...beep...beep..beep..beep beep beep-beep-beep-beep....

Randy: Shut up shut up shut U-uuuuup!

Motion Tracker: ...

Randy: *phew*

Motion tracker: BEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEP!!!...

Sem: fuq...

Otter: Did you HAVE to say th--

TheOtter is promptly crushed by the mass numbers of rubber duckies running over him. The rubber duckies though do not look like ordinary rubber duckies, but rather are strapped and embedded with cybernetic devices that make them disturbing. It was as if Burby, the Borg, and Windows XP all collaborated in their creation. They truely instilled fear into everyone who looked upon them.

Antestarr, whipping out his Lightfoil, dashes about, swiping his blade in a bad-*** manner, keeping the enemies at bay.

Nigel, equipt with a mere dagger, simply chucks all who come near him.

TLTETBR, wielding his own shiny sword, swings with purpose, looking as if he may die at any moment...he is sweating a lot at any rate.

Randy sweeps his automatic rifle in a horizontal arch, screaming obcentities as he takes a number down himself. When his +100 round clip runs out, he equipts his bow and arrows.

Krig, jumping into beserker mode, launches himself into the midst of the rubber duckies, swinging his ax wildly.

TheOtter also dives into the enemy crowd. In his intoxicated state, his Vulcan's flames fire erradictly from his hands, nearly hitting another hero at times.

Masetto, not really equipt for fighting, simply hides behind Semievil like a pansy.

Semievil, equipt with his own means of combat, does his part in defending himself.

All the Muppetwratihs stand by their rubber ducky steeds, quite confused at the moment as to which side they should take. Except for Elmo, who feels the need to gnaw on the rubber duckies that are nearby him.

Lightside laughs maniaclly, commanding the rubber duckies.

From some distance, Ares the Poster appraoches The Arena. Not that there's a difference between the poster and the character, as he IS a god...

&lt;&lt;Crinkey! In my attempts to add action to the story, I added a serious element to this part of the story! What will happen next? Calculation probable results...results will be ready by the next post of The Neverending Story Thread.&gt;&gt;

[This message has been edited by Gebohq (edited March 16, 2002).]

[Gebohq]

&lt;&lt;Scene: Ruins of the Arena&gt;&gt;

Darkside: PHIL!!!

Shuffling slowly to Darkside's...er...side, Phil the UGO driver responds with the tone of defeat and boredom.

Phil: Yes your Greatness?

Darkside: I TOLD YOU TO CALL ME "YOUR EVILNESS"!

Phil: Do I have to?

Darkside: It is that, or take that typing tutor program the keyboarding teacher has.

Phil: Yes, your Evilness? http://forums.massassi.net/html/biggrin.gif

Darkside: Have you noticed the security cameras lately?

Phil: It would seem that the heroes have fallen into your trap involving Lightside.

Darkside: Actually, I was speaking of their slow progress towards our lair. I'm starting to grow bored of waiting for them. It's like the writer-gods have abandoned the fate of all here.

&lt;&lt;*cough*&gt;&gt;

Phil: Uh...did you hear that? Sounded like a computer coughing...

Darkside: Indeed.

Phil: Can a computer cough? Where'd it come from? Why would it do such a thing?--

Darkside: You obviously haven't caught on to the general plot...

Phil: What plot?

Darkside: Exactly.

Phil: Eh?

Morris the Cat: Where's my food???

Darkside&Phil: Uh-oh...

[This message has been edited by Gebohq (edited March 16, 2002).]

[Semievil333]

B.U.M.P.

------------------
The early bird may get the worm-
but it's the second mouse who gets the cheeze.

Omnia quae specto dominavi, et tantam magnus sum, ut non specto!

[Gebohq]

&lt;&lt;GAH!!! A B.U.M.P.! I loathe those dreaded acronyms! It is a waste of my processing power, I tell you. Those things ought to be shot on sight. Why if I had it my way--&gt;&gt;

B.U.M.P.!

&lt;&lt;I hope for your sake I did not see you poking your head on here, B.U.M.P.! If I had, I would have--&gt;&gt;

B.U.M.P.!

&lt;&lt;BZZ-BZZT!!!!!!&gt;&gt;

(Geb the writer: You know? "Bzz-bzzt"? That noise your computer makes when it's processing a lot? It's like a "grr!" except not. See? Now you get the joke--

THWACK!

The executives at PPV apologize for the interruption. We now continue with our regularly scheduled program.)

&lt;&lt;...and then, after flaying your skin B.U.M.P., I'll BEEP your BEEP-BEEP you BEEp! BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!...&gt;&gt;

(Geb the writer: Look, another joke with computer onomonopiea-esque puns!

THWACK!

The executives at PPV apologize once again for the interruption. We will now return to--

Geb the writer: Notice the blantant Monty Python reference that is currently being made--

THWACK!

The executives at PPV will have no truth here. We will now return to our regularly scheduled program. Thank you for your patronage.)

&lt;&lt;...so in conclusion to my 665 page thesis on "Why B.U.M.P.'s Are Inheritely Evil and Should Be Liquidated Off the Face of the Planet", no B.U.M.P. should be harbored on this thread. And that's final!&gt;&gt;

B.U.M.P.!

&lt;&lt;Processor...burning...need bigger...heatsink...&gt;&gt;

[Gettleburger]

still in the 7-11

Gettle: Damnit, where's all the beer?!


There I made a post, happy? http://forums.massassi.net/html/wink.gif

[Highemperor of the Force]

&lt;&lt;In the Hall of Heroes&gt;&gt;

Michael: That pizza delivery guy is such a dork. . .

Girl #3: You know what "dork" really means, sexy?

Michael: Yeah, it means a *BEEP*. And that's what the *BEEP*-ing mother-*BEEP*-er is: a *BEEP*-head.

Girl #3: You know what the opposite of a dork is, hunny?

Michael: Please stop sliding your arm under my shirt.

Girl #3: *grumble*

Pizza delivery guy: *to Losien* Hey, babe, haven't you always wanted a baby of your own?

Losien: *squeals* Yes! Can we get one?

Pizza delivery guy: *mischievous grin* Yeah!

Losien: Yay! *rushes off to an adoption center*

Pizza delivery guy: No, wait, I meant- *grumble*

Michael: *standing up triumphantly, knocking Girl #3 off his lap* HAH! You deserve it you little *BEEP*-ing *BEEP* *BEEP* *BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!*

Pizza delivery guy: Why, I oughta *BEEP* *BEEP* your *BEEP*-ing *BEEP*-er, you *BEEBEEBEEP*!

&lt;&lt;Suddenly, Whoopi Goldberg descends from the ceiling in Moulin Rouge style&gt;&gt;

Whoopi Goldberg: Well, here we are! It's the Academy Awards for Cussing and Partying! So much mud has been thrown this year, ALL the nominees look black.

&lt;&lt;No one laughs. Everyone just stares at her&gt;&gt;

Whoopi Goldberg: What's wrong with you people? Why ain't ya laughing?

All: WE HEARD THE SAME *BEEP* *BEEP*-ING JOKES AT THE *BEEP*-ING ACADEMY *BEEP* AWARDS, YOU *BEEPBEEPBEEPBEEP BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP PPPPPP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!*

Whoopi Goldberg: Well, I'd say the Oscar for Most Cussing goes to all of y'all at the Hall of Heroes!

------------------
Play epic RPGs such as Year Infinity, or duel in the Interdimensional Arena @ The High Citadel (http://pub26.ezboard.com/bhighcitadel)

[This message has been edited by Highemperor of the Force (edited March 26, 2002).]

[This message has been edited by Gebohq (edited June 23, 2003).]

[IS_ford1342]

you need to add an hero to the HUSAG, Geb. you always seem to forget me. http://forums.massassi.net/html/frown.gif why do you hate me, Geb? why?

/cries http://forums.massassi.net/html/frown.gif

[Gebohq]

(NSP: Actually, I didn't forget you. It's just that I didn't want to add ford in the list until he came back with the others, so a personal locator device could be slapped on him. See? I'm trying to keep within SOME semblance of plot-sense around here...though I question how much I should...)

[Gebohq]

(NSP: *sniffle* As if it wasn't bad enough that so few people (props to Highemp and Krig here and Haggis and Ford at the TACC side-story) have posted within the last MONTH (go check the dates, readers), now NOBODY will be posting thanks to Jedi Outcast for probably at least another month. Except for me, who won't be able to run the game on my poor computer. Alas, we can't let spooky taco beat NeS in post count! *sniff sniff* I'll go trail off for a bit then.

and in reply to the next post--where were those women when I was over? http://forums.massassi.net/html/wink.gif)

[This message has been edited by Gebohq (edited March 30, 2002).]

[Antestarr]

NSP: Silly Geb, people aren't gonna be taken up for months with Jedi Outcast. I mean, look at me. I finished the single player in 3 days or so, and the multiplayer's not gonna get truly big until we mod the heck out of it. As for a story post, I'm working on it. Really. I swear... *Goes back to room full of half-clothed women dancing around poles.*

[Gebohq]

&lt;&lt;Grr....I'm really starting to be ticked off now! No respect! Why I should PUT AN END TO THIS HORRIBLE STORY!&gt;&gt;

Maybechild: Uh-huh, suuuure you will. Don't you remember? You can't end NeS. Otherwise, you would cease to exist!

&lt;&lt;Oh, I'M not going to end it! HE will!&gt;&gt;

J-bob: AAAAAAHHHH! It's the all-powerful guy who could end the story in one post!

Phantom_Master: (damsel accent)It's the end as we know it!

Mick: Losien!

Losien: Mick!

Mick: Before we go, I have to tell you something.

Losien: Yes?

Mick: I...

Losien: *hopeful look* Yes?

Mick: I...

Losien: Yes?

Mick: I...I--

\/\/\/\/\I AM THE ALL-POWERFUL ANTI-NARRATOR! I HAVE BEEN SUMMONED FROM THE DEPTHS OF EVIL! YOUR END IS NOW!!!/\/\/\/\/

Mark Hamill: I'm too young to die! Hold me!

MZZT: ACK! I wake up to some strange man is holding me!

---------------------------------------------
\/\/\/\/\THEN EVERYONE DIED! THE END!/\/\/\/\/
---------------------------------------------

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\/\/\/\/\What the?--/\/\/\/\/

Geb the writer: APRIL FOOL!

\/\/\/\/\NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!/\/\/\/\/

Geb the writer: And now that you've made your obligitory appearance since your introduction, you can't show up again!

\/\/\/\/\WE WILL SEE ABOUT THAT! AHHHHHH....WHAT A WORLD, What a world..../\/\/\/\/

*An ominous flushing sound is heard.*

Geb the writer: Now to see if anyone else will post today, and whether it'll be a fake post like mine or not. That's right, people will be posting today. APRIL FOOL!

*Noises of general discontent from the audience.*

[This message has been edited by Gebohq (edited April 01, 2002).]

[Tracer]

NSP: Hey, how do I join? Are there any rules?

[Antestarr]

NSP: How do you join...? All you really have to do is write your character in. As far as rules go... don't try to end the story, don't overuse the idea of the plot hole as it's making the world unstable, be amusing (for examples read any posts by Janitor Bob, Krig, or anyone else with a good sense of humor), and... uh... send me five billion dollars... okay, the last one isn't really a rule, but if you have the cash to spare, I could use it.

BTW, though it's not necessary to read the entire story, it can be fun and amusing to throw in obscure references every so often.

[Tracer]

NSP: Okay, but...what exactly is going on?

[Gebohq]

(NSP: Check your e-mail Tracer--I sent you the e-mail I sent the other writers jsut recently. Hopefully that will answer your questions.)

[Ares]

HOLY CR@P! THIS THREAD STILL LIVES?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? Cool.
=============================================

Ares drives along a road in his Corvette back towards the NeS arena people have been returning to for the past 2 pages or so.
http://www.massassi.net/ec/images/3541.jpg

(Shameless self advertising. Pay it no mind.) http://forums.massassi.net/html/biggrin.gif

Ares: "I have returned to bring order to this thread and rule it as i once did before. FEAR ME! FEAR ME! FEAR ME! If YOU DON'T FEAR ME YOUR GONNA GET ME REALLY PISSED! THEN I"LL HAVE TO HIT YOU MANY TIMES IN THE HEAD WITH A LARGE BLUNT OBJECT! BE AFRAID!"


I'm baaaaaaaacccccck. bwa ha ha ahahah aha ahaha ahahahah ha aha ha ahah aha aha ha......

[This message has been edited by Ares (edited April 03, 2002).]

[Gebohq]

(NSP: Welcome back Ares. It should be interesting how things progress...)

Ares: FEAR ME!!!

Ares' clone: *in a constant monotone voice* Are you talking to me?

Ares: No, I'm talking to the audience and writers of NeS. What's it look like?

Ares' clone: ....well...

Ares: Well what?

Ares' clone: I think you need to seek professional help.

Ares: Do you want me to throw you out of this car?!?!?

Ares' clone: You're the one talking to people who aren't there.

Ares: They are too! Your cloned god-wannabe powers just can't sense them!

Ares' clone: Whatever you say...

Ares: Hush you! We've reached the coastline.

*Pressing a button in his car, Ares' car turns into a submersible vehicle.*

Ares: Eat your heart out, James Bond!

Ares' clone: If you're a god, why don't you just will your way there?

Ares: And not drive this beauty? Never! Besides, it wouldn't make much of a story, would it?

Ares' clone: ....

Ares: *sigh*

[Galvatron]

[Near Loch Ness]

Galv: stupid Scotsmen.. *looks around* where the hell am I now..

*Suddenly a Giant blast of water shoots out of the Lake*

Galv: Holy ****! Its Nessy!
Nessy: Raarrgh!
Galv: Its Nessy!! I can make a fortune selling this thing!
Nessy: Rarrrgh!
Galv: hmm.. how will I capture her... Ah! I know! *grabs a plot hole that just happens to be flying by. Squeezes the plot hole into a Plot bat. Now armed with the plot bat rushes towards Nessy and starts wacking it with the plot bat*

------------------
//&#0124;&#0124;\\atrix Studios.NET (http://www.matrix-studios.net/)

[Galvatron]

Nessy: Rarrggh!!
*Nessy wacks Galvatron out of Scotland and into Southern England*
*Galvatron looks around*
Galv: Hey.. Its Stonehenge... This World Tour of wacking is making me wish I had a camera.. But enough of this.. I have to somehow get back to the Arena.. I left the Headhunter unlocked... hmm... If I can get to London I should be able to access a warp portal at the Hellsing Insitute..

And So, Galvatron begins hitch hiking his way accross Southern England... What Strange and Magical Aventures will he have?!

[Antestarr]

&lt;&lt;Continuing monitoring of the "Fellowship." Transmission as follows.&gt;&gt;

Antestarr: Okay, we've fended them off for a moment, but from the sound of things there's more on the way. What we need is a game plan.

Randy: How about this one, we run back to the submarine and forget about Gettlefrodo?

Ante: Duly noted. However, this is bigger than Gettle and us combined. Failure is not an option.

TLTETBoromirRO: Well, what else is there we can do?

Ante: Here's the best plan I can come up with. Otter and Masetto, you two start running around in circles screaming like little girls. TLTETBRO, it's your job to protect them. They'll be our diversion while the rest of us work our way into the arena.

TLTETBRO: Alright.

Ante: Randy, I'll need cover fire for us as we move forward, so you'll take the rear. Krig and I will take the front, with Nigel and Sem doing what they can from the middle. For now I shall put aside my lightfoil for my sword NeSil, for the sword that was mail ordered has been recieved!

All: Right!

&lt;&lt;As the group finalized the plan, another wave of duckies came pouring down the tunnel. Otter and Mase ran in circles screaming like little girls far better than anyone else could have hoped for, and TLTETBRO stood his ground, slaying duckie after duckie, until the horde became too much for him. In his fall, though, he bought the rest of the crew enough time to work their way up the tunnel. Hearing another wave of duckies coming, the men stepped aside into a second pathway, which continued toward the arena, yet seemed not to have been discovered by the Enemy. However, the Muppetwraiths and Lighside were nowhere to be found...&gt;&gt;

&lt;&lt;Eventually, the narrow passage the remainder of the party travelled down came to a ladder with a hatch in the ceiling. Opening it and climbing out, they found themselves facing a sign with backwards letters that read "reeB cilohoclA-noN".&gt;&gt;

Ante: What in the name of the One could that mean?

Sem: It's obvious that we're on the other side of one of the refrigerator doors in the old 7-11. From the other side, it says "Non-Alcoholic Beer".

Ante: But why would a hatch leading to a secret tunnel be behind the fridge for Beer?

Sem: Well, who's gonna want non-alcoholic beer anyway?

Ante: Point.

Nigel *opening door*: Gettle!! My bestest friend/master/buddy/pal/dominator.

Gettle: Uh... who is this freak?

Ante: This is Nigel, I have him playing Sam for our little LotR spoof we're doing now.

Gettle: We're doing an LotR spoof?! Oo! Does this mean I can take my shoes and socks off.

Everyone: NO!

Gettle: Aw...

Ante: Quickly, Gettlefrodo, we must bring the Machine that goes Bing and get out of here. A great Evil seeks it, and we must get it to safety. Hand it to me.

&lt;&lt;TMTGB moves across the floor and hides behind Gettle's leg&gt;&gt;

Gettle: Uh... I don't think it wants you to hold it.

Ante: Fine, just get it moving and follow me.

&lt;&lt;Once again reunited with the party, Gettle can hardly stop talking, no matter how many times he's warned that if the duckies hear them they're all dead. Examining the halls, the heroes can see the bodies of several thousand duckies lie about them. Farther down the corridor they find the body of TLTETBRO. However, no sign of Mase or Otter remain.&gt;&gt;

Ante: Quickly, everone, press onward to the vessel.

Randy: What about the others?

Ante: We'll have to search for them later, there is nothing we can do for them for the time being.

Gettle: So, what are we gonna do with TMTGB now, anyway?

Sem: We must take it to Mount Olympus where it will fight to the death with Bing Crosby... wait, who writes this crap?

Ante: The same people who pull the strings of our everyday life.....

&lt;&lt;Yes, we'll see just how close we get to Olympus. Ha. Ha. Ha.&gt;&gt;

Gettle: What was that?!

Ante: Oh, that was just Mother on the remote computer. She seems to think some Directive 937 is more important than the rest of us...

&lt;&lt;Oh dear. It seems as though our post had to be changed to fit a post further down the road... Ah, well, what of this device... something made to go "bing", or something more sinister... What plans are there for such a thing? We shall see... oh yes, we shall see...&gt;&gt;

[This message has been edited by Antestarr (edited April 10, 2002).]

[Gebohq]

(NSP: Let's see if I can help Galv and Ares any...)

&lt;&lt;Scene: London. Next to the Hall of Heroes. Galvatron scratches his head, checking his map, when he bumps into the game show host, who was holding a newspaper and a donut.&gt;&gt;

Game show host: 'ey! Watch where you're goin', you overgrown tin-can!

Galvatron: Sorry there. I suppose you wouldn't happen to know of a warp portal around here?

game show host: Actually, I jsut got back from this place that had this Thingy! I think that'll do the trick for you!

&lt;&lt;Four and thirty-seven point six-nine seconds later...&gt;&gt;

Game show host: See? There it is!

Galv: Thanks!

Maybechild: Hey! It's Galv!

Janitor Bob: But the Hall of Heroes isn't clean yet for guests!

Galv: Uh....

Mark Hamill: Oh WOWZERS! A real-live ROBOT!

*Mark Hamill pokes like a little kid at Galvatron. Trying to turn away, Galv comes face-to-face with the alien.*

Alien: Hsssshshshshssshshhhh!!!

Galv: Such a cozy, homely place this is. Why does this remind me of a bad memory I tried to wipe from my memory?

Mammoth: Ba-RAAAAAAAAAAAAaaah!

Galv: Yes, and suddenly the whole Tokyo incident comes back like a bad stalker. Which means that these guys are--

&lt;&lt;The NeS heroes, Galvatron. Are you here to join?

Galv: Remind me why I didn't stay on Drazen Island?
---------------------------------------------
&lt;&lt;Scene: The Arena.&gt;&gt;

Darkside: The Legion of Doom--er--Spookay is nearly complete. Soon, soon we will be able to...er...do stuff.

Phil: That could have used some work, your Highness.

Darkside: Evilness.

Phil: Your Exellency.

Darkside: Evilness!

Phil: Right, that's what I said.

Darkside: *sigh*

Phil: Should we be concerned that we've lost track of the heroes?

Darkside: Nah. I think we have bigger problems right now.

Phil: Like what?

Darkside: Like that.

Splashing from the little inlet-thingy of water that underground bases allow submersible vehicles to rise from is Ares' Corvette. It speeds towards Darkside, breaking some six inches from them. Ares steps out, marching up to Darkside.

Ares: How dare you butcher my precious Arena! And with these colors no less...I demand that you FREE my Arena!

Darkside: And if we don't?

Ares: You have a very bad long-term memory, don't you?

Darkside: Look, why would you WANT this place anyways?

Ares: I was bored, and I needed a summer place.

Darkside: What if I told you that there were a bunch of NeS heroes lurking about here?

Ares: I wouldn't be terribly surprised.

Darkside: Oh, but you KNOW you want to cause some old-fashioned war-like destruction and torment, don't you?

Ares: Well....

Darkside: Look, we're waiting on some final touches before we move out. UNTIL then, I think we have a little game I think you'd be interested in...

*Lightside pushes Masetto and Otter into the large space formerly used as the fighting space for the Arena.*

Darkside: Some fresh victims, fresh for the beating. Masetto, theOtter,, and Lightside.

Lightside: Wha-what?

Ares: Oh goodie! A challange!

Darkside: I hope you find all this accomidating.
---------------------------------------------
&lt;&lt;Scene: Tunnels of the Arena.&gt;&gt;

TLTETBR: I'm not dead yet! Ow....

&lt;&lt;Will Galvatron join the NeS heroes, get accomidated with the members, have a nice cup of lemonade and cheesecake, and assist them in their next quest, or will Galvatron go off on his own adventure? Will Ares join the Legion of Spookay, or "free his Arena"? How does one go about "freeing" an Arena? Is TLTETBR dead or alive? What about all those little questions in life? Find out, in the next post of The Neverending Story Thread: Return of the Rusty and Ancient.&gt;&gt;

[TheTwistedSpasm]

In the Arena, there is a brilliant (but small) explosion, stunning (temporarily) everyone nearby. TheTwistedSpasm steps out of the smoke and looks around.

Spasm(yelling): "I just wasted three days reading the first 18 pages of this stupid thread! I'm BORED! I want in on this circus!"

He looks around at the Arena, suddenly surprised. "They destroyed it AGAIN!?!"

NSP: Sorry if I'm not interupting your incredibly never-ending story. Just wanted to get my name on this thread too!

[Gebohq]

(NSP: Check your e-mail Spasm. Until the next post...)

B.U.M.P.!

[Ares]

Ares(yelling at spasm): You idiot, you don't need to read ANY of it.... I burly read two posts when i came back in... And look how incredibly unknowledegeble of the plot i am! but it dosen't matter, see that? What's that? (pointing at plot hole floating by)
Spasm: Looks like a plot hole.
Ares: EXACTLY! see, if i had read half as much as you had, i might almost be relativly up to date now. But it dosen't matter, it only means that that plot hole will follow me around until i'm back into the swing of things!
Spasm: I see. Is that why my plot hole is smaller?
Darkside: Well DUH... weren't we arguing her Ares?
Ares: Hey, i've gotta break in the new guy here... THEN we'll go back to arguing.
Darkside: Oh ok.... hey, WAIT! who's giving orders to who here?!?
Ares: I am you idiot, i'm a GOD rember?... (Grabs Darkside and throws him into nearby plot hole. Darkside lands at the south end of the North pole.)
Should be a while before he's back...

Ares: Now i must fix my arena back up to the way it was before... And regain control of.... stuff.

*WHAT WILL HAPPEN NEXT?!? WILL THE NEW GUY SURVIVE ARES'S HAZING? WILL THOSE PLOT HOLES EVER DISSAPEAR? CAN DARKSIDE SPEAK NORTHPOLEESE? FIND OUT THESE AND OTHER QUESTIONS IN THE NEXT INSTALLMENT OF NES!*

[Tracer]

NSP: Damn it, Ares! You just nullified two and a half pages of writing in fifteen lines! And they were funny pages, too...

/cries himself to death

[Tracer]

NSP: Galvatron is a robot?

*With Darkside freezing to death on the southern portion of the North Pole, the captives appear to be free to go.*

theOtter: Well, bye.

lightside: Have a nice day.

*They leave.*

Phil the UGO Driver: Don't worry boss, I'm on my way!

*Phil hops into his UGO truck and speeds off to rescue Darkside.*

TwistedSpasm: Well, this didn't turn out to be the three ring event that I thought it would be...tooteloo.

*He disappears in another magical puff of smoke.*

Ares: Huh. Well, I guess I should start putting this place back together...

*Ares begins systematically tearing down Darkside's evil decorations and large banners, restoring The Arena to it's former glory.*

*That's all for now...*

[This message has been edited by Tracer (edited April 06, 2002).]

[Gebohq]

(NSP: Bah, Ares only kicked out Darkside. You should know from reading the first page that the ways of NeS allows us to creatively change, ignore, or deny the existance of certain events. Usually, we try to do it in a semi-story-line manner though http://forums.massassi.net/html/smile.gif So it's up to whomever wants to post next to decide how things go from here http://forums.massassi.net/html/biggrin.gif

And yes, Galv is a robot. One with a fridge for a torso http://forums.massassi.net/html/wink.gif

And though I shudder at the thought of saying this, the plot hole things REALLy gotta be toned down! NeS will fall apart like a dinky sea vessel in the storm of mystical swirls a.k.a. plot holes that'll swamp the place!)

[Trollstoy]

~~ Looks at thread. Is verah scared. Leaves.~~

[Galvatron]

((NPS: Well.. I'm actually a Cyborg type Character... My Heart is Human... My Blood is Boiling... My Brain IBM!))

[Great Saiyaman V]

*launches 1000 nukes at you all and blows the universe up as well*

THE END

[Janitor Bob]

Uh-oh...

Did Great Saiyaman V just attempt a one post ending to NES?

*Looks at other writers and pops my knuckles with anticipation*

You know what we do to writers who attempt a one post ending, don't you?...



------------------
"Ah, but who's the greater fool? The fool, or the foolish fool who get's fooled by the fool who's foolisher than the foolish fool?"

-Janitor Bob(Salk Wars)

[Highemperor of the Force]

We consign them to Hell with Matthew Pate? http://forums.massassi.net/html/biggrin.gif

But seriously, 1000 nukes couldn't blow up nearly everything in the universe, much less the universe itself, as nuclear forces do not (as far as I know) affect space and time in any way, other than affecting objects WITHIN space and time. So :P on you, Great Saiyaman V.

Anywhos, I'd say we have a new villain! http://forums.massassi.net/html/wink.gif

------------------
Play epic RPGs such as Year Infinity, or duel in the Interdimensional Arena @ The High Citadel (http://pub26.ezboard.com/bhighcitadel)

[Galvatron]

Galv: oh drat.. someone wiped out existance..
*Snaps his figures, a new Universe is formed*
Galv: who says you need 7 Days? Just give me 7 Seconds! Now.. what do we do about this Saiya-Man?

------------------
//&#0124;&#0124;\\atrix Studios.NET (http://www.matrix-studios.net/)

[Gebohq]

Audience: Morris! Morris! Morris! Morris!

*Morris the Cat eats Great Saiyaman V whole, whom is slowly digested in his belly for the next thousand years.*

Audience: Huh-RAY!

[Ares]

Ares: Oh..... you can't just digest him for a thousand years.... then i don't get to inflict physical torment.
*Ares reaches into morris the cat, and yanks the 1/257th digested Saiyaman V out and startes yelling at him.*
Ares: YOU IDIOT! 1000 nukes can't blow **** up now.. do you have any idea how big the universe is? 1000 mukes is only mild hartburn for me. *slaps him around some* Now go spend some time with the other annoying cherecters in this story. *throws through plot hole*


(Cut to Phil driving along in his UGO truck, he has just reached the coastline of the northpole)
Saiyaman V(falling through sky): YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAhhhhhhhhhhhh...........
(lands in front of UGO truck,)
(Phil jams on brakes, can't stop in time.)
(Saiyaman V gets hit by truck, makes cool crunching sound, goes flying, lands in conveniently placed tree.)

[TheTwistedSpasm]

TheTwistedSpasm stands in the middle of the Arena, looking around with an extremely annoyed look on his face.

Spasm: I didn't mean to create more plot holes! I didn't!

Ares (glaring): Like I said, I made more than you did.

Spasm: What, you're proud of it?

Ares: No, just stating fact. Now go away, I have an Arena to rebuild, and glory to restore.

Spasm: You're pathetic! I came here to have a little fun, and you just want to mess everything up! You made that one Writer cry! *His voice lowers* You're despicable!

Ares: Arg. I'm a god, you'd think they'd listen to me...

*He waves his hand in Spasm's direction. Spasm is flung away, screaming dire and horrible threats...*

NSP: I'd prefer that my charecter ends up with some bunch of Heros, but I'm not sure enough on the plot, so someone else can decide where I end up.

[Ares]

THERE IS NO PLOT! Haven't you picked that up yet?

[Gebohq]

Geb the writer: Don't listen too much to Ares. He's getting senile in his old age http://forums.massassi.net/html/wink.gif

As he said though, indeed, there is no plot. However, there IS a definate story. ...what do you mean "what's the difference?" Story is completely different than plot! Er...for one, our story isn't going down the toilet, only the plot. And uh...back in my day, we wrote stories uphill, both ways! You young whipper-snappers get it off easy, with your fancy...er...what was I talking about again?

&lt;&lt;Geb the writer is getting senile in his old age.&gt;&gt;

Geb the writer: I heard that, you talking over-sized boob-tube screen! --oy, my back is achin'...

(NSP: Whaaaaat? You expect me to make an ACTUAL post right now? I got school stuff to pay attention to. And stuff. ...SEM! Go make a post! http://forums.massassi.net/html/biggrin.gif)

[Semievil333]

And so it came to pass that in the days following the rants of Geb and the return of Ares and Galvatron, Sem the writer did post, and Sem the writer also brought doughnuts which did temporarily appease Ares.

And lo! Therafter for a time the company was foolish enough to accept the leadership of Semdalf, the duct-tape colored religious wanderer.

*Deep in the underbelly of the Arena, the camera pans about a deadend room containing a plothole and Bomb. It is a small room and otherwise empty.*

TLTETMRFTPODBR (The Last True Evil, The Miraculously Resurrected For The Purposes Of Dialogue, Boromir Ripoff): Where are we?

Semdalf: I have no memory of this... oh wait, yeah I do! Hey, check it out, deadguys!

Randy: I thought we were in an empty room.

*The camera pans again, revealing a great battle to have taken place, bodies line the path to the plothole, and Bomb is at the center of a ring of dead men. Interspersed are hewn and burnt chunks of yellow rubber.*

Ottegrin Mook: This is no demolitions tunnel.... it’s a tomb!

TLTETMRFTPODBR: Hey! That’s my line!

Ante: No it’s not. Besides, you’re only temporarily resurrected, so I’d save my breath if I was you.

*Camera pan to a wall where a large red button has suddenly appeared.... Ottegrin is staring at it intently.*

Semdalf, reading from a conviniently placed book: .... The lace curtains have been barred.... we are surrounded.... we cannot get out.... fine china plates.... china plates in the deep....

*Ottegrin punches the button. Sirens wail. Small children cry. Silence comes.*

Semdalf, turning on him: Fool of a Mook!

*Finally, ominously, a single china plate shatters in some chamber below. All the heros rush into action- Randy and Krigli, son of Krogin bar the lace curtains. TLTETMRFTPODBR looks out the holes in the lace.*

TLTETMRFTPODBR: They have an anvil!

*And with that, yellow rubber feather tipped arrows appear in his chest and he collapses to the floor, his dialogue having been spoken.*

Ante: Protect Frodoburger! Protect the Bingbearer!

------------------
The early bird may get the worm-
but it's the second mouse who gets the cheeze.

Omnia quae specto dominavi, et tantam magnus sum, ut non specto!

[Number7teen]

I launch nukes at everyone, killing them, killing the earth, killing the universe.

THE END

SHUT UP

[Ares]

<font face="Verdana, Arial" size="2">Originally posted by Number7teen:
I launch nukes at everyone, killing them, killing the earth, killing the universe.

THE END

SHUT UP</font>
*Ares brings the universe back* *Yelling at this new guy now*
Ares: YOU IDIOT!! Haven't ANY of you newbies learned ANYTHING yet? You can't kill this thread! What should we sentence him to guys?
*Dosen't wait for response.* Yes, i thinks so too. I SENTENCE YOU TO LISTEN TO GALVATRON SING!
Number7teen: BUT THAT"S NOT FAIR! THAT'S INHUMAN TORTURE!!!!
Ares: Hey blame yourself, your the one that tried to end this thread...
*zaps Number7teen and Galvatron into a soundproof box.
(Galvatron inside box.)
Galv: I'm a little Application short and stout, here is my input and here is my out...
(Number7teen's screaming can be heard from outside box.)

[Galvatron]

*Appears next to Ares in the greater Cosmos*
Galv: Ares.. That was very bad of you.. Geb has a Far worst singing voice then I. Now then.. We must stop these morons.. For Good.
*looks around*
*Sees something*
Galv: Look! Thats the wormhole that allows transportation from this demension to the Dragonball demension... We should probley Destroy it..

[Antestarr]

*Deep within the recesses of the voids in which none dare go, lest they relinquish themselves of their lives, there exists a being. Not a life as we know it, but rather an entity who's sole purpose is to will the existence and the continued existence of the NeS Thread. It prefers to be referred to as the One, though not so much since that Jet Li movie came out... But back on the subject, the One looks down with disdain upon Number7teen.*

tOne: Number7teen... aside from your blatant disregard for physics as well as the idea of capitalism, you seem to disregard the fact that a DBZ character could destroy a planet with little more than a gesture. But you chose, rather to theoretically destroy the universe, yourself included, by launching nukes which you probably don't have the money to buy, and if you did the money could be better spend on computer parts and video games and world peace. What have you to say in your defense?

Number7teen: Uh... I like swords.

tOne: Ah, I see that my grandeur and near infinite existence has caused your IQ to drop to that of Fighter's from 8-bit Theater. For that I must relegate you to a fate worse than death. You are to be chained in this room *indicated a room lined with Barbie dolls and bright pink posters* and forced to play Beyond the Beyond until you either de-evolve into a puddle of primordial ooze or finish it, in which case you will be relegated to E.T. for Atari 2600. That is all. the One has spoken.

*And so it came to pass that yet another one-post-story-killer was sent to a place somewhere between insanity, suicide, and KayBee Toys.*

*NSP: To those who actually care about what's going on with the heroes, feel free to re-read my last post on the previous page, as the end of it's been edited to better match with the post made by Sem... friggin' prima donnas...*

[This message has been edited by Antestarr (edited April 10, 2002).]

[Krig the Viking]

&lt;&lt;The lace curtains fly open as a horde of rubber duckie hordes floods in.&gt;&gt;

&lt;&lt;Insert dramatic action sequence here.&gt;&gt;

Ottegrin: "Well, that was easy!"

Semdalf: "What? No it wasn't! We all nearly died!"

Ante: "Yeah, that anvil could have killed us all!"

Ottegrin: "Really? Well I was hiding for most of it, so I didn't see all that..."

&lt;&lt;The group collectively rolls their eyes.&gt;&gt;

Randy: "So what now?"

Ante: "Let us continue on our way back to the NeStromo. We must get the Machine that Goes Bing to safety! The fate of the world depends on it!"

Randy: "Cue dramatic music."

&lt;&lt;Hey, that's my line!&gt;&gt;

Randy: "Oops, sorry. My mistake."

&lt;&lt;Just then, Spasm comes crashing through a wall, and lands on the floor -- spasming.&gt;&gt;

Spasm: "Wow, that was some fling -- Oh, hello folks, how's it going? Hey, are you guys doing some sort of Lord of the Rings spoof?"

Ante: "Well, actually, it's a LotR/Aliens/Disney's Atlantis spoof, but we seem to have forgotten about the other two in this scene."

Spasm: "Oh, ok. Can I come with you guys? I could be Frodo!"

Ante: "Uh, we already have a Frodo."

Spasm: "Oh, ok. Well, what about Gandalf? I do a great Gandalf impression..."

Semdalf: "Nay! Thou shalt never have my position, dark spawn of the caves! For I -"

Ante: "We have a Gandalf, too."

Spasm: "Nuts. Is there anybody I can be?"

Ante: "I suppose you could be Gettle's stunt double..."

Semdalf: "- flame of Anduin! Bearer of the mystic swirly thingies that -"

Spasm: "Woohoo!"

Semdalf: "destroyer of worlds! Designer of jeans! You shall not -"

&lt;&lt;Zip-pan to the main part of the Arena, where Ares is tearing down the Legion of Spookay's decorations.&gt;&gt;

Castro: "Hey, you cannot do that to our beloved headquarters!"

Ares: "Just watch me, bucko."

Farr: "Bucko? What kind of insulting name is that?"

Ares: "Never you mind! Begone, you foul annoyances!"

&lt;&lt;Ares waves his hand, and all the villians are suddenly banished to the ruins of the 7-11.&gt;&gt;

Ares: "Ah, much better."

&lt;&lt;Ares sweeps up a pile of "So you want to join the Legion of Spookay?" Pamphlets, and puts them into a garbage bin. Where the pile of pamphlets had been, something small and orange stirs.&gt;&gt;

Ares: "What's this?"

Ernie: "Whyyy do you disssturb my ssslumber?"

Ares: "I'm a god, I can do whatever I want!"

Ernie: "Insolent fool! You shall perish!"

&lt;&lt;Ernie and Ares begin duking it out with their god-like powers. Ares is surprised to find that Ernie's tremendous powers of Evil are nearly a match for the god of war's powers of ... War.&gt;&gt;

Ares: "Egad! Ernie's tremedous powers of Evil are nearly a match for..."

&lt;&lt;End story sequence. Tune in next time, etc. Bloody 'ell, where is that accursed Narrator? I'm gonna go insane if I have to keep doing this bloody job...&gt;&gt;

------------------
When the blind leadeth the blind.... get out of the way!

[Gebohq]

Benevolant
Upward
Mobility
Post!

http://forums.massassi.net/html/biggrin.gif

[KyleKatarn7]

(ooc: Do any of you have any idea how long it takes to read 31 pages of posts in one or two hour intervals? well?! I thought so.

I sincerely hope that I won't use or be the cause of many plot holes, but I just have to join in!)

*A titanic battle rages between the titanic titans known as Ares and Ernie*

Ernie: *Darth Vader accent* "Give in to the power known as Sesame Street. Fulfill your destiny and we can rule this galaxy as puppet and master, you being the puppet of course."

Ares: *Ares accent* "Never! I'll never join you! Why don't you join me instead? Then we can rule this galaxy as War god and muppet!"

Ernie: "No, you join me!"

Ares: "No....you join me!"

Ernie: "No, you join me!"

Ares: "Wait a second, I've got an idea....Mua ha hah ah ha ha ha ha ha"

*Three hours later*

Ernie: "zzzZZZzzzzZZZzzzz"

Ares: "ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Er...Wake up Ernie!"

Ernie: "huh...wha?"

Ares: "My Diabolical Plan of Diabolical Deviousness is we shall create a..."

*Cue booming, echoing voice*

Legion of Spookay!

Random Audience Member: "Hey, this story is just being recycled over and over again isn't it?"

*Ares banishes RAM to the 7-11 as well*

Ares: "I suppose he had a point....."

Ares: *Excited* "I know! How about a.....no, not enough duct tape.....What about...no, too many clones...Wait! I've got it!"

*Ares whispers the plan into Ernie's ear*

Ernie: "That's just crazy enough to work!"
----------------------------
Meanwhile, at the 7-11

*RAM appears in the midst of the most menacing makers of mischief and mayhem known to man*

RAM: "Uh....Hi!...........anybody up for UNO?"
----------------------------
Meanwhile, in the Writer's realm

*Outside of the Massassi Forum Building*

KyleKatarn the Writer: "Well, this looks like the place..."

KyleKatarn the Writer: "Well, according to this pamphlet: "So you want to join the NeS?", I need cookies, my JED editing tools, and...a spare computer?!....oh well" *Shrug*

*KKtW walks in*

(ooc: Yes, I know, the hero traditionally shows up before the writer, but I felt there should at least be some concept of sanity...oh wait...)
*Checks "So you want to join NeS" pamphlet, mumbles something about "So you *don't* have to be sane to write on the forums...hmmm"*)

Will we ever find out the plans of Ares and Ernie? Will we ever find out where all these pamphlets are coming from? Will we ever find out how I got back so quickly from my vacation? *sips from umbrella drink* Find out next time on...The Neverending Story: Return of the Plot hole.

------------------
"If you notice this notice then you notice this notice isn't worth noticing at all"

"Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake"

"You can't have everything, where would you put it?"

[This message has been edited by KyleKatarn7 (edited April 13, 2002).]

[KyleKatarn7]

NSP: Well, Hi everybody, I hope I can become a regular poster for this, and I hope that my last post was in the general spirit of NeS. I know it's not as funny as J-Bob or Krig, but I'm pretty sure with some practice my comedy will be NeS quality.

------------------
"If you notice this notice then you notice this notice isn't worth noticing at all"

"Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake"

"You can't have everything, where would you put it?"

[Gebohq]

(NSP: I'm sure you'll fit in just nicely. Sem might give you a NeS-ized name though, as McLongname and TLTE were prone to http://forums.massassi.net/html/wink.gif Good starting post there, applause for attempting to bring back the Legion of Spookay, other such uplifting leader-like comments, etc. etc. etc.

And if you wish, I can send you the e-mail I sent all the other writers a couple weeks ago. For any other possible future writers--just ask, and thy shall recieve, assuming I have the time and patience and whatnot.

On a last note, as well as I'm here, might I suggest for a NeS name "Kylek"? You can wear a number 7 somewhere on you too for good luck or something too--I jsut shortened your name for an idea.)

[This message has been edited by Gebohq (edited April 13, 2002).]

[Tracer]

Ernie: ...That's just crazy enough to work!

*Suddenly a colonial Armoured Personnel Carrier splashes out of the Arena's entrance hole and disgorges a deadly cargo - a squad of fully armed colonial marines!*

Ares: What the devil is going on here? Why do people keep showing up in my home?

*Instead of responding, the marines bring their rifles to the ready and flip on their motion detectors. The elite squad fans out in search of their deadly prey...*

Ernie: This place looks a lot gloomier than it did a few minutes ago...

Ares: Don't be silly. There's nothing gloomy about it, I've spent the past little while removing those garish banners and the like. If anything, my Arena is much more inviting.

*Oddly enough, the Arena's lighting does seem dimmer than usual...

Randy: Not that I'm scared or anything, but let's get out of here.

Ottegrin: Yeah. Who knows what evil monsters lurk in the darkness? *He gives a worried look in the direction of the marines, who are now almost completely obscured in the growing twilight.*

Semidalf: Nonsense! I have many magical powers with which I can protect us.

Ante: *He strikes a match and leans in close to Semidalf. The flame flickers, playing distorted shadows along the Arena's walls.* But can you protect us from ourselves? *He gives a crooked grin* After all, the only thing we have to fear is fear itself...

*The heroes look at one another for a moment, and then sprint for the marine's APC, except for TLTEMRFTPODBR who wasn't paying attention to the conversation and as such got trampled in the mad dash to safety.

*A creepy - SpookAy, you might say - darkness has fallen on the arena, shrouding everything in a pitch-black haze.*

Ares: I wish I had a flashlight...

Ernie: Can't you just conjure one up or something?

Ares: No.

*Ernie opens his mouth to ask for an elaboration and immediately shuts it as a truly terrifying sound resonates through the Arena.*

*Ping!*

Vasquez: Contact! 30 metres!

*Ping!*

Vasquez: 25 metres!

Squad Leader: Stay sharp, people! This is it!

*Ernie and Ares hunker down behind a convenient outcropping, too scared to even breathe...

*Ping!*

TLTEMRFTPOD: Ouch - Hey, wait up! Guys! Wait up!

TLTEMRFTPOD: *Grumbles* I didn't survive my little encounter only to be left out of the adventre *Upon hearing a faint noise, he cocks he head slightly.* Aw, hell, is that a xenomorph?

*Fearing whatever lurks in the darkness, TLTE hurries off in the direction that he thinks the other heroes took...*

*Ping!*

[This message has been edited by Tracer (edited April 14, 2002).]

[Gebohq]

B.U.M.P.

Bing!

Ping!

Gonk!

Fuq.

It's all my fault!

And other such catch-phrases found on NeS!

(NSP: Now if only I could find the time and the ideas for a good way to start wrapping up this LotR/etc. spoof episode, as it is beginning to drag...

--EDIT: ah yes, so I found out about the psuedoswear rule. Massassi being G rated and all...well, put the heat on me. I feel like going with a streak of rebellion and general stupidity.)

[This message has been edited by Gebohq (edited April 16, 2002).]

[GrandMasterPugler]

OH NO! Said Jimmy! We're stuck in the cave of Jim Varneys Ghost! So They confronted Jim Varny and asked him to make some more movies! "We need some more movies Jim Varney!" Then Jim Varney and robodoggy and Jimmy all got on Jimmy's magic flying Bagpipes Carpet and sailed through the cave. They saw a rabbit, and Jim Varney hit his head on a stalagtite. Then he hit his head on a stalagmite and robodugggy said "You know how you can tell the difference between a stalagmite and a stalgagtite is that a stalagmite is sideways" And Jim Varney said "Is that so?" So Jim Varney and Rimshot got out of the Limosine and Jumped into the Dumpster which was actually a portal to Fantasia. They went to Fantasia and the nothing was gone but Al Roker was attacking so RobboRimshot ate Al Roker's Robotic Leg and then Al Roker said..........

[Antestarr]

"I think you posted on the wrong topic."

http://forums.massassi.net/html/wink.gif

*NSP: Just finishing that little Jim Varney sidequest. It'll make an interesting comic one of these days. Now I will be off to ponder such gripping questions as why there is an actress named James King...*

[This message has been edited by Antestarr (edited April 19, 2002).]

[TheTwistedSpasm]

Semdalf: "Winner of games! Mover of mountains..."

Spasm: "Does he ever shut up?"

Ante: "Once you get him started? Not really..."

*The rest of the group grumbles*

Spasm: *looking around nervously* "So, um, where are we?"

Semdalf: "Leader of Fellowships, painter of... um... paintings!"

&lt;&lt;EXT TIME: Something more useful!&gt;&gt;

[KyleKatarn7]

Due to the magic and miracle of plot holes, this story will now be revived from the current rut it is in. Please adjust seats into an upright and locked position, we will experience turbulence.

After a set amount of idle time, the HoH (Hall of Heroes) server determines it would be best if our heroes got some R&R. It then proceeds to shut down the Holographic Training Area they had been using all this time after walking through the wrong "exit".

Sem: "Hey, what happened?! I was almost finished with my rant too."

Ares' Clone, in his usual voice, announces over the PA system: "Had this been an actual mission to retrieve a Machine that goes Ping, you will be given instructions, by me, on what to do. Thank you for your participation in this Hall of Heroes-sanctioned training event. Should you have any difficulties in returning to this plane of reality, please contact trouble-shooting. Our operator, Bill Gates, is standing by."

KK the Writer: "Now if only I could find some way to seamlessly blend my character into the storyline so that nothing is disturbed in any way, my character is fully characterized, and plot holes won't follow him everywhere..."

KKtH walks in on everybody in the simulator room

KK the Hero: "Hey everybody!"

Everybody: "Hey Kyle!"

KK the Writer: "Well, that was easy.....now where did those cookies go?"

(ooc: As a side note, I guess I'll go with Kyle Katarn the Hero (KK the Hero and KKtH will also be fine), not to be confused with Kyle Katarn the mercenary. I don't quite have a bio on him cause never had a reason to...I'm guessing 5'7", mood ring hair (shifts to whatever color he wants), rather thin, and looks just like a slicer from Star Wars: pale as if he hasn't seen light other than that from a computer in many years, occasional mutterings of "my precious" to his datapad, and his waist sports a holster for his datapad. Instead of fighting his way through trouble like the mercenary, KKtH prefers to hang back and calculate strategics and tactics, waiting for the moment to use his literal and figurative weapon of choice: the datapad, and a few nasty surprises hard-wired into his datapad (completely non-lethal...think the mad scientist from Mystery Men), including a duct-tape dispenser, a laser with three settings: Bug the bad guy, Incapacitate bad guy, and Ouchies, he's gonna feel that in the morning (default is Bug the bad guy), and to make a long story short, his datapad is basically a swiss army datapad. That's all I can think of right now. Finally, all you one-post killers don't even deserve a berating for that kind of immaturity, so I won't even bother.)

P.S. If I messed up somebody's post...well...that's what plot holes are for =)

------------------
"If you notice this notice then you notice this notice isn't worth noticing at all"

"Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake"

"You can't have everything, where would you put it?"

[This message has been edited by KyleKatarn7 (edited April 19, 2002).]

[Krig the Viking]

*The heroes walk out of the Holographic Training Area, and out into the twisting corridors of the HoH. Kyle, being the new guy, quickly gets seperated from the others and completely lost.*

Randy: "So, um, how long were we in that simulator thingy, exactly?"

Ante: "I think the simulation began when we took a wrong turn and stepped into the submarine, which wasn't really a submarine at all, but a simulation of a submarine. We thought we were stepping into a submarine, but it turns out we were actually stepping into the Hall of Heroes' Holographic Training Area. So pretty much everything that happened to us after that didn't really happen. Now that I think about it, the HoH doesn't really have a real submarine at all..."

Randy: "So all the people we met and all the things that were destroyed since then weren't real, but were, in fact, simulations?"

Ante: "This is correct."

Randy: "So, um, how come that Spasm guy is still with us? Shouldn't he have dissapeared with the simulations?"

*Everybody looks at Spasm. Spasm sorta smiles and waves back.*

Spasm: "Well, you see, what happened was, I was wandering along through the streets of London, and I decided to go take a tour of Big Ben. I saw a door with a sign that said 'Holographic Training Area', so I went in there. Then I met some really crazy guys, and then I got smashed through the wall, which hurt a lot, and now I'm hanging out with you guys."

Ante: "Ok, that sounds logical. *whew*, we very nearly had another plot hole there!"

*The other heroes sigh in relief.*

Otter: "And so, the world is safe once more. Let's all go have a party!"

*Zip-pan to Kyle, wandering through the HoH's corridors.*

Kyle: "Hey guys? Guys? Where'd you go?"

*Zip-pan back to the Heroes*

Spasm: "Woohoo! I'll get the miniature Mexican sombreros made of nachos!"

Randy: "Wait, wait! The world isn't safe at all! The Legion of Spookay is still converting the Arena into a super-base of Evil, Gettleburger is trapped in said Arena, Ares is God knows where, our leader Geb is still in that eerie "TACC" place, Mick and Losien still have issues to work out, I think TLTE still wants to kill Mick when he gets back from his vacation to the Caribbean, Krig still has that uber-powerful Holy Helmet of Halibut, and..."

Otter: "Hey, look everybody! There's already a party going on in the HoH! They're playing 'Pin the Tail on the Drunken Donkey', and they're using Mark Hamil as the donkey!"

Mark Hamil: "Hey ever'body, com an' shjoin th' parTAY! Ow! Quit pokin' me!"

Sem: "Nyeh, sounds kinda boring to me."

Otter: "Ooh, hey, and they also have a bunch of generic hot chicks who've been drinking for some time!"

*Our Heroes leave Randy in a cloud of dust, the kind that results from people running really fast. Randy looks down at his shoes.*

Randy: "Well the least they coulda done was help get the gator off my leg..."

*Inside the Main Room of the Hall of Heroes, the party that MZZT started is still going full-bore. All of the partiers are either drunk, crazy, or both. Actually, most of them are both. As Ante, Krig, Masetto, Otter, Sem, and the others walk in, the party kicks up another notch. Only a few seconds pass before Otter is hanging from the chandelier, Sem is regaling the crowd with incoherant stories of his duct tape prowess, Masetto and Ante are passed out on the floor, and Krig is go-go dancing in his underwear. The sad part is that none of them are drunk.*

Otter: "Wa-hoooooooooo!"

*In one relatively quiet corner, MacLongname is holding Losien by the shoulders in a dramatic pose from one of those icky romance movies.*

MacLongname: "Listen to me Losien, darling! I care nothing for anybody but you! So why would I lie when I tell you that that Pizza Delivery Guy is just trying to get in your pants?"

Losien: "Mick, I don't think they would fit."

MacLongname: "Huh?"

Losien: "My pants. They wouldn't fit the Pizza Delivery Guy, so why would he want to wear them? You're just making things up, Mick, I don't think you really love me."

MacLongname: "Please, Losien, listen to me! I've never -"

*Just then, the Pizza Delivery Guy walks up, looking all tough in his Pizza Delivery Uniform.*

Pizza Delivery Guy: "Hey, buddy, stop harrassing my girl! You want me to get medi-eval on your can?"

MacLongname (to himself): "If I beat this guy up, then Losien will never forgive me. I have to think up some clever yet romantic way to win back her heart, and show up this Pizza Delivery Guy for what he really is."

Losien: "Um, Mick, if you don't want other people to hear what you're thinking, you really shouldn't say it out loud."

MacLongname: "What? How much of that did you hear?"

Pizza Delivery Guy: "Pretty much all of it, moron. Now why don't you move along, or you'll get a royal face-beating!"

MacLongname (to himself): "Hm, I know what I can do! If I let Pizza Guy stay with Losien until TLTE gets back, TLTE will go berserk and annihilate Pizza Guy. Of course, Losien will hate TLTE for this, and she'll turn to me for comfort! It solves all of my problems!"

Losien: "Um, Mick, you're still talking out loud..."

*Meanwhile, in the Arena - aka the Legion of Spookay - the Villians have completed their insidious renovation project.*

Darkside: "Hahahaha! While those foolish heroes were foolishly dealing with holographic versions of ourselves, we, our true selves, were finishing completion of the Legion of Spookay! Now we shall be invincible! Hahahaha!"

Farr: "Hey, when you say 'we', do you mean 'we' as in 'us', or 'we' as in 'you'? Because, you know, you do refer to yourself in the plural form a lot..."

Darkside: "What are you talking about? We never refer to ourself in the plural form!"

Farr: "Dude, you just did!"

Darkside: "We did not!"

*While the incarnation of the Dark Side of the Force gets into a petty argument with a really weird-looking Bad Guy, Ernie stands off by himself in some shadows.*

Ernie: "Yess, argue amongst yourselves, you fools. You shall never see, never see, your demise coming. And then one day, when the world is conquered, I shall destroy you all and rule the universe alone! My rubber duckies will be free at last! Khee-hee-hee-heeeee...."

*While the incarnation of the Dark Side of the Force gets into a petty argument with a really weird-looking Bad Guy, and Ernie stands off by himself in some shadows, the Keyboarding Teacher stands off in some other shadows.*

Keyboarding Teacher: "Yes, argue amongst yourselves, you fools. You shall never see your demise coming, you shan't. And then one day, when the world is conquered, I shall destroy you all and rule the universe alone! Then and only then will the world realize that good keyboarding skills are the true way to power! HeeHEEheeheeheeheeheeee..."

*While the incarnation of the Dark Side of the Force gets into a petty argument with a really weird-looking Bad Guy, Ernie stands off by himself in some shadows, and the Keyboarding Teacher stands off in some other shadows, Morris the Cat lies on his stomach in still other shadows.*

Morris the Cat: "I'm hungry."

&lt;&lt;Bzzt-bzzt-Beep! What will happen next? Do all the writers understand what has happened recently? If not, send $20 dollars and a box of high-powered microchips to "Frank the Computer, Hall of Heroes, Big Ben, London, England. You may or may not get an answer in return. Thank you. Bzzt.&gt;&gt;

Randy: "Y'know, this gator on my leg really hurts a lot..."

------------------
When the blind leadeth the blind.... get out of the way!

[Antestarr]

*In Memoriam*

Bury Me Softly In This Womb
I Give This Part Of Me For You
Sand Rains Down And Here I Sit
Holding Rare Flowers
In A Tomb.....In Bloom

Down In A Hole And I Don't Know
If I Can Be Saved
See My Heart I Decorate It
Like A Grave
You Don't Understand Who They
Thought I Was Supposed To Be
Look At Me Now A Man
Who Won't Let Himself Be

Down In A Hole, Losin' My Soul
Down In A Hole, Losin' Control
I'd Like To Fly
But My Wings Have Been So Denied


We'll miss you, Layne. I will, at least.

]]Layne Staley[[
Lead Singer/Guitarist
Alice in Chains
1967-2002

[Semievil333]

/salute

[TX3_Gandalf]

I'll post some more as soon as i ketch up from page 26. I've almost finished readin all of The NES!! Of course, it would be a great help if you would send the cilff-notes for the cliff-notes to JoRo_Bo@hotmail.com Geb.

------------------
TX3=The Tolkien TerrorsT times 3
&gt;&gt;-----&gt;
SBX ROCKS!!
()===@{=====&gt;

[Gebohq]

(NSP: Well, as for a cliffnotes for the entire story, I've never tried doing that yet, and would take a whole lotta time to do. More than I think I may have presently. As for the cliffnotes I sent recently, they're kinda out of date, as we've sort of started on a new episode-thingy. As for your e-mail address--I'm confused. Are you JorBo? *Geb tries not to think too much*

As for Kyle K.'s post--'tis a brave thing you did. Not many are willing to stop and start a new episode-thingy of NeS, and for that, I applaud you. Now if only I could get my mind out of writer's block...)

[Antestarr]

*And now, a word from our sponsors.*

Do you suffer from chronic stupidity? Have you read every page of the NeS? Research shows that the NeS has caused IQ drops in tested lab rats. If you have suffered brain failure and/or death due to the reading of the NeS, you may be elligible for a cash award of near to (but not exceeding) 50 cents! Here at the law offices of Dewey, Cheatem, and Howe; we specialize in the awarding of quarters for your own personal problems. Call us today!

Lawyer fees average about $1000. Cash award is taxable, leaving you with approximately 1 cent after Uncle Sam takes his bite.

[Gebohq]

How about "has read every page of NeS multiple times?"

*raises hand*

Yes, my stupidity level IS high http://forums.massassi.net/html/wink.gif

[IS_ford1342]

<font face="Verdana, Arial" size="2">Originally posted by Antestarr:
Dewey, Cheatem, and Howe</font>


I'm sorry but thats one of the worst puns ive heard in a long time. (meant as a compliment of course.

[Tracer]

*A paddy wagon arrives at the Hall of Heroes, which is reverberating with party vibes. Two uniformed police officers slowly exit the vehicle and approach the doorway.*

Cop #1: *Nods to his partner.*

Cop #2: *Nods back.*

*Cop #1 raises his mighty boot and kicks open the door just like in a western movie! Crash!*

*The jukebox shuts off, causing the party to come to a screeching halt. Krig freezes in midstep, Ante is thrown to his feet and Otter falls from his perch on the chandilier in Tarzan-wannabe fashon. Even Pizza Guy shuts up.*

*Cop #1 takes an intimidating walk through the party, spinning his billy-club and giving each partier a stony glare (after all, firearms aren't standard issue for beat cops in England).*

Cop #1: *Manchester accent* There's been a reported disturbance in the area.

*He stops to briefly prod Krig The Unclothed Viking.*

Cop #1: This wouldn't be the cause of that disturbance, now would it?

Antestarr: Uh, well, it's like this, officer -

Cop #1: I was speaking rhetorically.

*Cop #1 shifts his prodding to Ante.*

Antestarr: Um, could you please stop that, officer?

Cop #2: *Liverpool accent* Who's responsible for this crime?

*Unfortunately, the surprise factor quickly fades. However cool the cops busting in - not unlike the bad guy kicking in the saloon doors in a western movie - was, the heroes are simply too drunk, or too crazy (or both. In most cases, both) to care. Ante passes himself out on the floor, Krig resumes dancing and Otter mounts the chandilier, causing more ariel mayhem.*

Cop #1: Very well. Send in the canine unit.

*A second paddy wagon pulls up, sirens blaring, and a third police officer with a famished dog on a leash steps out.*

Cop #3: *Welsh accent* Alright, Laddie, go sniff out the criminal!

*Cop #3 releases Laddie's leash and the dog sprints into the Hall of Heroes, launching itself at the nearest do-gooder.*

Krig: Aagh! Dog bite Krig! Dog bite Krig!

*But Krig doesn't go down without a fight, and several partiers jump to his assistance as he attempts to shake himself free of Laddie. Of course, the animal-trainer bond is a strong and deep one, and Cop #3 scrambles to help out his dog...*

*And so begins a chain reaction that draws in many of our heroes and most of the London Police Department. Some fight, some try to avoid the fight but get pulled in anyway, some don't notice the sting operation and continue to party. It all equates to the same thing: BEDLAM IN THE HALL OF HEROES.

...

*Time passes. The riot eventually dissipates. The scene is one of order being restored to chaos: The British SWAT team breaks down their gear and prepares to debrief, paramedics gently place Mark Hamil's punctured body onto a stretcher and two policemen covered in salsa and nacho bits march a sullen looking (and handcuffed) TwistedSpasm towards a waiting paddy wagon. Some firefighters hose down the Hall of Heroes, now scorched, while Steve Irwin attempts to pry the alligator from Randy's leg. Cops 1, 2, 3 and Laddie all sit on the roadside with Krig, sharing a bottle of scotch. The song from the end of Empire Strikes Back plays, providing a sense of melancholy closeure to the whole event.*

*The camera, still pointing at the Hall of Heroes, begins a slow pan along the vertical, showcasing the aftermath in it's entirity...*

[This message has been edited by Tracer (edited April 24, 2002).]

[Tracer]

NSP: Are people planning on summarizing the story so far? Why would that be nessecary?

Oh yeah, and could somebody direct me to the page in which Krig and Losien (the writers) and a bunch of tourists eat their way into an American submarine and do under-water battle with the Soviets? I want to check some stuff...

[This message has been edited by Tracer (edited April 25, 2002).]

[Gebohq]

(Non-story post:

Are people planning on summarizing the story so far? Why would that be nessecary?

Not that I know of. It wouldn't be nessessary, but I'm sure a lot of the writers would like to have such a summary/cliffnotes handy just because trying to keep straight some of the running jokes, the little character development that has been implimented, and other such things can be rather hard to do at times (just because the story is so long). I'm not planning on making such a thing anytime soon, and with the NeS webcomic coming along, such an organization of notes such as characters, settings, and such would probbaly be included (though they wouldn't go any farther than the comic has progressed). If anyone else wants to giv eit a shot, by all means, go ahead, and e-mail them http://forums.massassi.net/html/smile.gif

Oh yeah, and could somebody direct me to the page in which Krig and Losien (the writers) and a bunch of tourists eat their way into an American submarine and do under-water battle with the Soviets? I want to check some stuff...

A little bit less than halfway down page 23.

Will you ever get back to writing posts, Geb?

I sure hope so, but this writer's block plus it being the last few weeks of schoopl is really cutting down on my ability to post--hey! Who said that?

*random audience member makes a mad dash for the exit*

stupid audience...)

[Janitor Bob]

*Somewhere, in some forgotten office in some forgotten hall of the tragically unforgettable Massassi Forums Building*

*The room has not been touched for ages. Dirt cakes the windows. Dust Bunnies the size of small terriers hop around gleefully. Clouds of lint float dreamily through the air. Cobwebs are strung like draperies from wall to wall, as spiders that look like they belong in the movie Wild Wild West skitter from one fly mass to another. Beneath a 6-inch layer of choking gray dust lays a computer and the prostrated form of a Writer, keeled over, face on the computer keyboard.*

*The words like ‘yhm 6ujmnk6777777777777’ are constantly appearing on the screen*

*Suddenly, an eerie voice, like a high pitched whine, a dying tape or a teenager in the middle of puberty wafts through the dank, dusty, hair.*

Voice: Hey! Bob! Wake up!

*At first nothing happens.*

Voice: Hurrrrry! You haven’t much tiiiiime!

*Slowly, almost imperceptibly the body on the desk starts to shudder. The body rolls over, revealing the face of the beloved Janitor Bob the Writer. Now, his face lies on the left side of the keyboard, causing the words “afersdddddddqfaressssssss” to appear on the screen.*

Voice: Bobbb! You’re late for schooooool!

Bob: CRIPES!

*As if hit by an extremely potent Cattle Prod, Bob lunges up off his desk, his feet scurry in mid air, and his hands brush cobwebs aside. He dives to the ground to search for his Backpack. Suddenly, he saw them.*

*Two apparitions, standing on the dusty floor. Blue, glowing, transparent, and hauntingly (bad pun) familiar. A thin green thread winds around them, haphazardly.*

Bob: Who the dickens are you.!

Ghost: Weeee are the Alpha… and the Omegaaaa…. The first… and the laaast… the paaast… the preeesent… and the fuuuuuture….. the great… the insiiignificant… the best of timeeees…

*Suddenly, recognition dawns on Bob.*

Bob: Holy squeegee… you look just like Otter and Maybe… except you are all blue, and bright, and I can see through you.

Ghost: Seeee throuuugh us yoouu can? Yooou only seee whaaat youuur eyeees waaaant yooou to seeeee…

Ghost #2: Will you just shut up, Otter! That gloomy voice isn’t scary, it’s just annoying!

Ghostly Otter: But… annoying… in a scary… kind of way… right?

Ghostly Maybe: No… annoying in an obnoxious kind of way.

Ghostly Otter: Oh, well, that voice made my throat scratchy anyway.

Bob: Otter! Maybe! It is you! It’s been so long since I’ve seen you… or at least seen part of you… But couldn’t you have knocked? You just about made me spill my mop bucket, if you know what I mean
Ghostly Otter: Well, we tried to knock, but our hands just went through the doors. Like this.

*Otter makes a show of poking himself in the eyeball. His fingers go through his eyes without result. He grabs a broom and passes it through his neck while making lightsaber whooshing sounds with his mouth.*

Bob the Writer: What is this? Some kind of No-Clip Cheat?

Ghostly Otter: No, it’s just one of the many things that happens when your dead.

Ghostly Maybe: Yeah, the Fringe Benefits of being a Ghost are pretty nice, but it’s ‘sending in your application’ that’s the painful part.

Bob the Writer: I can imagine.

Ghostly Otter: Yeah, you couldn’t guess how useful this going-through-walls thing is for getting into Girls Locker Roo-

*Maybe tries to slap Otter, but her hand passes through his cheek.*

Bob the Writer: Waaaaait, a minute. How come you can walk through walls, but don’t sink through floors?

*Realization dawns on the two ghosts, and they start to fall through the floors. Fortunately, they grab a plot hole in the nick of time*

Ghostly Maybe: That’s easily explained. We simply levitate in the air, in a manner that resembles walking.

Ghostly Otter: Yeah… we… float… and… stuff…

Bob the Writer: So you’re dead?

Ghostly Maybe (Sarcastically): What was your first clue? The smell?

Bob the Writer: No, actually, Otter always smelled like that.

Ghostly Otter: Hey…

Bob the Writer: So how’d you die? Car Accident? Homicide? Ingrown Toenail? Failed to read the Barbacue Ignition instructions correctly?

Ghostly Maybe: No, nothing that simple. Ours is a tale of woe and despair, of longing, and failure…

Ghostly Otter: It’s pretty long and boring too…

Bob the Writer: Well, will you hurry it up? My fingers are hurting from all this writing.

*Maybe lets out a sigh*

Ghostly Maybe: Don’t ever complain about the pain in your fingers from writing Bob. It just tells you that your alive.

Bob the Writer: But any good heart rate monitor can do that…

Ghostly Maybe: We died of apathy. We died of not caring. We died of indifference. See these threads that bind us?
*Otter motions to the threads Vanna-White Style*

Ghostly Maybe: Each meter of thread is from a page I didn’t write… each centimeter from a post I ignored. Now Otter and I must carry around this accursed burden for the rest of eternity… It wouldn’t be that Bad if it wasn’t Otter I was chained too…

Bob the Writer: Wait… let me get this straight? You died because you failed to write? Was Gebohq really that mad at you?

Ghostly Maybe: No… It wasn’t Gebohq. It was ourselves. The writer in us slowly rotted away to nothingness. You are perilously close to that same fate, Bob.

Bob the Writer: But I don’t wanna die.

Ghostly Maybe: You don’t have to… you don’t have to…

&lt;INSERT ENDING TRAILER HERE. NEXT TIME ON NEVERENDING STORY HERE. FINAL JOKE HERE&gt;


------------------
"Ah, but who's the greater fool? The fool, or the foolish fool who get's fooled by the fool who's foolisher than the foolish fool?"

-Janitor Bob(Salk Wars)

[Gebohq]

Cop #2: You all have been charged guilty of disturbance to the community, defacing of the Big Ben, and saving the world from evil without a hero liscence!

Pizza delivery guy: But I haven't done anythin'! Honest!

Cop #2: That's what they all say...

Mase: Oh joy. We're going to jail. Again.

Sem: Oh quit your whining!

Ante: I hope everyone remembered to bring their soap on a rope!

Losien: I'm sorry Mick!

McLongname: For what?

Losien: I dunno...

Otter: Mr. Officer-sir? We get one phone call beforehand, right?

Cop #1: Oh we know your record, Mr. Otter. No phone call for YOU.

Otter: Well, at least I'll get to fantasize about women behind bars.

Maybe: I fear for my well being...

Krig: Krig want self-representation. Krig be lawyer!

&lt;&lt;Our heroes are being arrested once again. Who didn't see THIS one coming? What will happen to them now? Did anyone escape the long arm of the law? Find out next time, right here on The Neverending Story Thread: Heroes on Trial!&gt;&gt;

[Tracer]

NSP: It's funny because I just read that page. Anyway, sorry about that. Had I known they'd done jail time before I wrote my latest bit, I wouldn't have arranged the current re-hash. I'm going to read the trail segment so I can avoid further pitfalls...

[Gebohq]

(NSP: They don't HAVE to go to jail. I was just going with the postin'. Perhaps you can still fit in your other idea /shrug/ I figured jail time would be familiar with us all....wait, you mean it's not? *tries to look innocent*)

[Tracer]

*Days have passed, and now the heroes are assembled in a typical British courtroom, the trial mere moments from commencing. The gallery is made up of various bit characters from previous chapters, some good and some evil.*

Otter: *shifting in his seat* This suit is really uncomfortable!

Maybe: Stop that figeting! We're about to be judged, and we need to look respectable.

Antestarr: So, who'd you get to argue our case, Maybe?

Maybe: Well, actually...

*The heroes all look expectantly at MaybeChild.*

Maybe: ...Geb, being our leader, had all of our money, so...

*The heroes all glare expectantly at MaybeChild.*

Maybe: ...we couldn't afford a real lawyer. Luckily, Otter agreed to represent us.

*Everybody groans.*

Antestarr: *Hangs his head* We're all going to jail, forever.

Otter: Hey, it's not so bad. Sure, I've never been to law school, but I watch Law & Order regularly. I can bail us out of this, no sweat.

Kyle: How can you defend us if your only courtroom experience comes from serialized TV dramas? There's more to being a lawyer than getting all emotional and yelling 'objection!', you know. In fact, I once -

Otter: Oh, so now I'm a liar, eh?

Randy: Making nonsensical statements isn't going to be very helpful during the cross-examination.

Otter: *His eyes narrow* I find your lack of faith disturbing...

Randy: You also can't make threatening overtures to me or to the jury.

Ante: *sigh* Yep, prison forever.

Maybe: Ugh. Sorry guys, guess I should have signed us on with Krig.

*The heroes all look at Krig, who is wearing a fierce grin along with his slick suit and tie.*

Krig the Attorney: Krig quote first amendment!

*Otter opens his mouth to let loose a witty rebuttal, then closes it as the jury (compsed of more NeS bit players) enters, with the judge in tow.*

Judge: All rise.

*The courtroom rises.*

Judge: Be seated.

*The courtroom sits.*

MZZT: Oh man, he's turning on the heat already...

Otter: Stay calm, I've got things under control. *He flips open his black leather brief case.*

Maybe: That's odd, I don't remember you ever owning a briefcase...

*Out in the building's lobby.*

Paralegal Guy: Hey! Where's my briefcase?

*Back in the courtroom.*

Otter: No time to talk, trial's starting.

Judge: The prosecution may begin.

District Attorney: Thank you, your honour. I'd like to call my first witness, a Mr. Darkside, to the stand.

*The heroes gasp as Darkside strides confidently into the courtroom. He seats himself at the witness stand.*

DA: So, Mr. Darkside, is it true that you conspired with several other individuals on various nefarious plots, but were continually thwarted by those self proclaimed heroes? *He points at the heroes*

Darkside: That is correct.

DA: I see. At the time, were you aware that they were not licensed to perform such heroics?

Darkside: No, I was not.

DA: Thank you. *He walks down the aisle.* Your witness.

*Krig gets up, and walks right past the witness stand to address the jury.*

Krig: Krig not commit crime! Krig victim of racial bias in corrupt system!

DA: Objection, your honour! Relevance!

Judge: Mr. Krig?

*Krig ignores the judge's query and continues at full speed*

Krig: Krig innocent! Innocent! *He spies a candy bar in Juror Nigel's pocket* Krig want candy bar!

DA: Your honour! I object! He's not allowed to do that!

Judge: Sustained. Let the remarkes be stricken from the record. Mr. Krig, I urge you to stay on topic.

*But it's too late. Krig's empassioned yelling begins to sink into the jury's collective mind.*

Juror Joe: *nodding* He makes a good point.

Juror Nigel: *nodding* Agreed, quite persuasive. Here you are, then.

*Juror Nigel tosses Krig his candy bar. Krig makes the catch and walks back to his seat.*

Mr. T the Juror: *also nodding* I must say, I am most definately convinced of the man's innocence.

*Everybody looks at Mr. T.*

Mr. T the Juror: What? Although my numerous television appearances projected an image of knuckle-headed illiteracy, there's a quiet, intelligent side to Mr. T just itching to come out...

*Everybody continues to stare at Mr. T.*

Mr. T the Juror: Oh, fine...*mumbling* Pity the foo' who's wrongly accused.

Krig: *Between mouthfuls* Your witness.

*Otter nervously rises. Despite all his bluster, he really has no idea what he's doing. And the papers in the Paralegal Guy's stolen briefcase weren't too helpful, either.*

Otter: Well, here goes nothing. Mr. Darkside, if that's even your real name, is it true that you conspired with several other individuals on various nefarious plots, but were continually thwarted by those self proclaimed heroes?

*Murmurs of confusion erupt from the gallery. The District Attourney breaks into hysterical fits of laughter as the heroes slump further down their chairs.*

Randy: ...And repeating what your opponent says is probably the worst strategy possible.

DA: *laughing* And we're not even on the second witness!

Judge: *bangs gavel* Order! Mr. Otter, that fact has already been established.

Otter: Uh, yes, of course, your honour. May I continue?

Judge: Please.

Otter: Is it also true, Mr. Darkside, that upon conclusion of this trial, you and your fellow conspirators will be arrested and promptly thrown in jail for your many crimes?

DA: Objection! He can't ask a witness about the validity of events that haven't yet happened!

Judge: Sustained. Mr. Otter, if you have nothing useful to add to this trial...

Otter: Ah, a moment to consult my notes, your honour?

*The judge nods and Otter rushes over to 'his' briefcase and looks over 'his' notes, searching in vain for some clue which will allow him to win the trial. The heroes are about to accept defeat when Darkside clears his throat to speak.*

DA: It's okay. My objection was sustained, so you don't have to answer his 'question'.

*The District Attorney chuckles at his little witticism.*

DA: I'm so clever.

*However, being a boastful super villian type, Darkside just can't resist the chance to gloat in the face of his arch-enemies.*

Darkside: No, I'm afraid I won't be going to jail after the trial, because I made a deal with the District Attorney!

*The gallery gasps once more. All eyes are on the District Attorney, who has the look of a man experiencing a large wedgie. However, Darkside completely misses his blunder and continues to ramble on like the megalomaniac that he is.*

Darkside: Yes, it's one heck of a deal, all right. I give my testimony in exchange for the promise that no action, legal or otherwise, will be taken against me or those involved in my myriad of evil schemes.

DA: No, it's not like that at all. We didn't even shake on it!

*But it's too late once again. Angry shouting bursts forth from the gallery.*

Ominous Man #5: Well, this is an outrage!

SS Trooper: Agreed. Eef vee cannot tlust our judicial stlucture, 'oo can vee tlust?

Arbiter: Aquittal! Aquittal!

*Eventually, the call of 'Aquittal! Aquittal!' resonates throughout the chamber as everyone in the gallery takes up the chant. Order is only restored by repeated banging of the judge's gavel.*

Judge: Be silent, or I'll hold you all in contempt of court! Now, let's resume the trial. Who's turn was it?

Juror Nigel: Actually, your honour, we've seen enough and are ready to begin deliberation. May we proceed?

Judge: Oh, what the hell. You people have already destroyed trial protocol, what's one more screw up? Court is adjourned!

*The heroes remain tense. Will they be found guilty of disturbing the peace, vandalism and vanquishing evil without a hero license?*


[This message has been edited by Tracer (edited April 26, 2002).]

[This message has been edited by Tracer (edited April 27, 2002).]

[KyleKatarn7]

Bailiff type person: "Court is now in session. All rise, and be seated."

The very old judge walks back to his podium, faces the heroes, and prepares to give the sentence.

Judge: "I find you guilty on all counts. The penalty: tar and feathering!"

A collective gasp can be heard from our heroes, as a random audience member chosen randomly for a cameo runs up to the Judge and whispers in his ear

Judge: "What do you mean cruel and unusual punishment?!?!"

R.A.M.: "Sir..."

Judge: "Oh, very well. Instead, all of you will be sent off to the new British penal colony known as.....Australia! And now, if you'll excuse me, I'm off for High Tea with the Duchess."

Otter: "I knew the dude was old...but...Australia?!"

Randy: "Finally I'll find somebody to take this gator off my leg!"

Maybe: "But Randy, there is no gator."

Randy: "I knew I should've taken the blue pill...I mean..doh, not with the universe cross-overs again!"

Kyle Katarn the Writer laughs evilly, and continues his diabolically creative writings which will only serve to torment these poor, *cough*innocent*cough* characters.

Kyle Katarn the Hero: "Don't worry guys, if you'll give me a couple moments I'll be able to hack into the prisoner transfer system and have us sent first-class to Hawaii..."

Several hours pass, and we find our heroes watching a Kangaroo boxing with a tumbleweed (laying down bets of course) outside of their isolated prison