The Never-ending Story Thread

[Tracer]

B.O.I.N.K.

[Krig the Viking]

In a small television, in a tumble-down shack in a time-traveling jetliner in a creepy old amusement park, HBO is showing, for the hundredth time, Star Wars: A New Hope. Only this showing of SW:ANH is slightly different. See, some time-traveling heroes from the future used a Holy Receiver on the back of the aforementioned television to get sucked into the boob tube and then into the movie itself, thereby altering the course of events in the movie's plot. Due to their presence, a Big Giant Ship has appeared out of nowhere, and is hovering by the Death Star, which didn't get blown up because the aforementioned heroes had accidentally offed Luke before he could get into his X-Wing. Only when they did that, it was the first time around, not when they were time traveling from the future. It's complicated. Anyhow, the end result is that Maybechild and the Otter, come from the future, have wound up on board the Big Giant Ship, and are waiting for something to happen.

*Otter lands hard on the metal floor of the Big Giant Ship, smacking his head painfully and sending his bowler hat rolling along the floor. A shoe stomps on his neck, and a hand grabs his arm and twists it up behind him painfully.*

Maybechild: "Don't ever do that again, you little rat!"

Otter: "Hey, come on, we're alone on this big ol' ship, we're trying to save the world, it's all dim and romanti--OW!"

Maybechild: "Say one more word and I break your arm! You hear me? One more bloody word!"

Mr. T: "Hey now, that ain't nice, foo'! Why you goin' hurt that po' boy?"

Otter: "Hey, get her offa me! I didn't do nothin'!"

Maybechild: "Mr. T! What are you doing here?"

Mr. T: "Whaddam I doin' here? Ah'm the cappin o' this here ship, foo'!"

*Maybe drops the Otter's arm and steps over his prone body.*

Maybe: "You're the captain of this ship? That doesn't make sense! Mr. T was never in Star Wars!"

Mr. T: "Whatchoo talkin' bout, foo'? I be the cappin o' this ship, ain't I?"

Maybe: "Of course! He's a plothole! Why didn't I think of that before?"

Mr. T: "Plotho'? Whatchoo talkin' bout, lady? I ain't be no plotho'!"

Otter: "Ugggh, my arm..."

Maybe: "So somewhere around here there must be more plotholes! Come on, Otter!"

*Maybe grabs Otter by the arm -- his hurt arm -- and drags him along as she steps quickly down the long and shiny metal corridor, looking for more plotholes.*

Mr. T: "Hey, where you goin'? I ain't done wich you yet! I be the cappin' o' this ship!"

*Mr. T runs after Maybechild and Otter. This is an intimidating sight, because Mr. T is a big man. Otter, being dragged backwards along the floor by Maybechild, sees him coming and screams like a little girl.*

Otter: "Aaaiiiieee! Don't let him step on me!"

*Just then, the hallway comes to an abrupt end. The two heroes, followed by Mr. T, enter a huge room, filled with blinking screens and red levers and other gizmos. The centre of the room is taken up largely by an enourmous High Tech Machine of some sort.*

Maybechild: "Wow! What is this place?"

Mr. T: "Hey, this thing ain't s'pose ta be on my ship! I'm gonna find the foo' who done this and beat his face in! I'm mad, an you don' want me mad! Rargh!"

Otter: "Excuse me, but did you just say 'Rargh'?"

Mr. T: "So what'f I did? Whatchoo gon' do 'bout it?"

Otter: "Eep! Nothing at all, Mr. T, sir!"

*Maybechild reads a small sign posted near the High Tech Machine.*

Maybe: "It says here that this is a High Tech Plothole Making Machine!"

Otter: "Ooh! I bet it makes plotholes!"

Mr. T: "You been dropped on yo' head too much, foo'? O' course that's what it do! Whadda you, stupid?"

Maybechild: "This must be what was making all those plotholes that we were sent to investigate! We need to destroy it!"

Mr. T: "How we gon' dee-stroy it? It be big, foo'!"

*The three heroes -- well, two heroes and one tough celebrity -- sit down to ponder that question. Actually, Otter was already laying on the floor, having been dragged there by Maybechild. So he sits up moreso than sits down. But you get the picture.*

_ _ _

*Meanwhile, Krig and Cooked Haggis are loitering outside the Evil Mattress Discounters factory warehouse store.*

CookedHaggis: "Call me crazy, old chap, but I'm feeling a mite apprehensive about entering this particular building."

Krig: "Krig agree with Haggis. Use might!"
CookedHaggis: "Now wait just a -- I say, I've just had a very strong sense of deja vu. Haven't we done all this before?"

Krig: "Krig has. Yep."

Haggis: "This will be the third time we've entered this store, won't it? I say, I've a bad feeling about all of this..."

Krig: "Maybe we stuck in space-time plothole loop."

Haggis: "By Jove, you've hit it square on! We are stuck in an infinite plot loop! Bloody brilliant, old chap!"

*Krig blushes.*

Haggis: "So, now, the question is, how do we get out of this bizarre loop?"

*Krig shrugs.*
Krig: "Maybe destroy plothole generatering machine over there."

Haggis: "What plothole generating machine? What are you talking about? Have you been eating things you find on the street again?"

*Krig points. Haggis looks. Across the street on the sidewalk is a High Tech Plothole Making Machine™.*

Haggis: "I say, that's bloody brilliant! Why didn't I think of that?"

*Krig shrugs.*

Haggis: "Now, how should we destroy such a machine? Perhaps some sort of electromagnetic pulse? But where would we get such a thing? I wonder..."

*While Haggis is wondering out loud, Krig runs over to the Machine. He takes out his axe and roars with rage and then smashes the Machine into little tiny pieces, then walks back to Haggis, chewing on one of the little tiny pieces.*

Haggis: "...or perhaps a sort of explosive device? But where would we attatch it? And where would we discover explosives? I say, it seems a bit far fetched, that, perhaps..."

Krig: "Krig go to Yemen. Haggis come too when done talky."

*Krig runs off, a stumpy little silloughette jogging into the sunset. After a moment, Haggis realises that the High Tech Plothole Making Machine™ has been destroyed, and pursues the Viking.*

Haggis: "I say old chap, wait for me!"

Amazing! There is plot development in this post! I didn't see that one coming! What next? A coherant storyline? Two writers posting in the same day? Will wonders never cease? Will Ford & Sem and Geb, Randy, & Losien find High Tech Plothole Making Machines™ in their quests too? How are Krig and Haggis going to find TVLTE in Yemen, if they're in the past and TVLTE is in the present? These questions and more probably won't be resolved next post, but I encourage you to keep reading! They have to answer them sometime, don't they? Well, technically, no. But it's worth a shot! Right? Oh, just bloody keep reading, you mindless fools. I'm not bloody paid enough for this.

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"Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society." --Mark Twain


[This message has been edited by Krig_the_Viking (edited December 11, 2002).]

[Gebohq]

Within the FurbyCo. headquarters, Gebohq, Losien, Lt. Randy, and Kyle are sweeping the control floor, attempting to find something useful.

Lt. Randy: Look over there!

Geb: A plot-hole making machine!

Surprise-surprise.

Lt. Randy: How do we deactivate it?

Kyle: *already hooking his laptop to it* Ten steps ahead of you...

*Kyle completes a puzzle of numbers and stuff, and the machine shuts down.*

Los: This is one of those parts that is relatively more questionable to NeS, isn't it?

Geb: No, sis. This is the part that can only really be shown in NeS: The point-and-click adventure game!

Lt. Randy: Uh-huh.

Now go to Yemen!

Geb: You're not making this very suspenseful.

Yes, but I can not afford otherwise. The essence of NeS is at stake here. Go now, for Yemen may not be your last stop in this new threat.

Kyle: This is serious stuff, isn't it?

Geb: When the Narrator is straight-out telling us, yeah. *talks to his watch* Asa, come in. Come in Asa.

Lt. Randy: Geb...

Geb: Oh right. *pulls out a cellphone* Asa, come in.

Asa: Asa here, with the other NeS heroes of my time.

Geb: Meet us in Yemen.

Asa: Will do. Watch out for the aliens.

Geb: Aliens?

*A swarm of demi-god aliens made possible from the queen alien that incubated in Highemperor surround Geb, Los, Randy and Kyle.*

Los: This could be bad.

Meanwhile, in Pureevil's chamber-of-plotting...

Pureevil: Everything is going as planned, I think. So many things to keep track of...what the--Narrator? Be gone!

Ahhhh! The mimes! You can never silence me...

Ares: Hmm...to send in my clown army or not. So hard to decide...

[Antestarr]

*A biting wind threatened to tear Daleas' grip from the cliff, but he held fast. With inhuman strength, he continued his free climb of one of the Swiss Alps. It had taken a few hours, but he finally reached a place where the ground leveled off. As he climbed to this resting spot, Ante stood there, arms crossed, tapping his foot.*

Ante: You do realize there's a Gondola that comes up here. Your overly dramatic style is starting to affect our goal. I mean, thanks to you, it took us two months to travel from Austria to Switzerland. I can understand refusing to use public transportation like planes and trains, but we could have at least jacked a nice German sports car or something...

Dalaes (with a red glow in his eyes): Don't make me throw you off...

Ante: Fine. Whatever. We're here anyway, so let's go.

*Ante was wearing a rather large winter parka to protect from the cold of being high up on the Swiss Alps in the middle of winter. He'd had his hair shortened to shoulder length and picked up a pair of sunglasses with small circular lenses in order to try and throw off any would-be pursuers.*

*Ante now lifted a small hinged panel of stone and pressed a button behind it. Two large stone slabs slid inward, creating an opening into a hallway seemingly blasted out of the mountainside. Various steel pipes worked their way in and out of the stone walls. At the end of the hallway, a metal door with a keycode panel stood.*

Ante (walking in with Dalaes): This is one of my old workstations. I brought you here because it's since been abandoned, so neither my employees nor employer would be able to see us together.

Dalaes: And who is your employer...?

Ante: I'll... uh... get to that once we're inside. Now, what was the code for this door...

*As Ante stood trying to remember the code to open the door, Dalaes' short patience got the better of him. Using his sword, he placed a large diagonal slash across the door, then another one going the other direction. Then, with a powerful kick that seemed to make a moisture displacement around his foor (nsp: think jet going mach 1's wings), knocked the door in.*

Dalaes: I think that was the code.

Ante (dumbfounded): Uh... yeah. Ok. On we go, then.

*The inside of the old base was a mess. Rolling chairs had fallen over on their backs, computers and monitors were strewn about amongst a mess of papers. The rapid egress that had been seen in this place was apparent.*

Dalaes: So, why are we here again? Shouldn't we be going off to find whoever was behind the attack at the hotel?

Ante: Well, we need weapons... er... at least I need weapons. And I can probably get some information here as to what's going on.

Dalaes: Fine... but hurry.

Ante (walking over to a weapons cabinet): Oh, and we're going to have a chat, too.

Dalaes: Oh really.

Ante: Yes. If we're going to be working together, we should at least know each other a bit.

Ante (now checking his weapons): Alright... got the pistol-sized mini-rocket launcher... a specialized OSR (obligatory sniper rifle) custom fitted to my measurements... and, of course, the "experimental" lightclaymore (or lightclaymoreEX).

Dalaes: "Experimental"?

Ante: Yes, well, it never made it past the testing phase. Apparently the drastically lighter weight over your average claymore caused all our testers to cause self-amputations. There was even one self-decapitation... rather nasty. After that, we discontinued testing and went into researching various cybernetic prostheses...

*Antestarr then started to use a computer terminal.*

Ante: Allright... I've accessed the NeSHeroes website... and there's a message:

This Site Under Construction

Sorry guys, we've gone off time-travelling in order to try and stop some random plot-holeing. We'll update teh site when we get back. We promise!!

~GEb

Ante: Well, that about explains what's going on with them... Now to check one more thing. *Ante types in another URL* (reading)"Time paradox appears in Yemen"... things are starting to make a little more sense...

Dalaes: No they're not. You still haven't explained what happened back in Austria to me.

Ante: Right. Okay. Let me explain... Ours is not the only universe. While one would believe that parallel universes have no effect on one another, some do. Most notably to us is one universe known as the "Writer's Realm". It's a hard concept to grasp, but essentially there is a world that exists where people sit in an office and decide the outcomes of our very lives. Then there's the "Narrator's Realm", which is populated solely by entities who know everything about our situation and vocalize the actions we do. If I were to swing my arm like this, *Ante swings his arm.* a narrator would dictate it. I say "a" narrator, as there have been some... uh... substitutions once in a while.

Ante (cont.): Then there are plot holes. The normal plot hole, or "black" plot holes as some of us have dubbed them, are created by incongruities of writers. Thus, the random nature of the plot hole inserts or removes something, material or action-wise, that logically should not exist/happen. The "white" plot hole, however, has only recently been toyed with. The concept is to use a dimensional flux to create all possibilites centered around one point. However, the anomaly becomes so massive that it inherently destroys everything around it. That is what we witnessed in the hotel in Austria. However, those I work for, who we all thought to be the most technologially advanced corporation in existance, could only hold one in a field directly composed of black plot holes. The fact that someone out there can control white plot holes at will means that something is horribly amiss amongst the realms.

Dalaes: And just who do you work for.

Ante: Ok... just promise not to kill me until I've said my piece. I've been on the payroll of MegaloManiaCorp for several years now. I first ran into the "heroes" when they accidentally drew some slimes into my warehouse base just outside the solar system. At the time I was given a mission to achieve a new source of funds for the corporation. I wound up being the corporate contact within the heroes themselves, though I did eventually finish my prior mission by attaining the future profits of Microsoft... They let Gates stay on their payroll, though, because his incessant scheming spices things up.

Ante (cont.): Right now things aren't good, as MMC doesn't even have control of the situation. They've lost a direct foothold here, and while I'm sure that you don't want to help them, you can't deny that the world is at the hands of some enormous evil. I brought you here so they wouldn't take you, as you may yet be helpful in saving the future of our world.

Dalaes: I cannot condone working for MMC. I hate everything they stand for, everything they do. They created me, an abomination. What is wrong with the destruction of everything? What is wrong with the end?

Ante: I only give my allegiance to three things. The first is myself. The second is the writers. The final is a being whose sole purpose is to will our world into existance. They are the reason I would help such a questionable corporation. They are the reason that whatever is exerting control must be stopped.

Dalaes: I am a tainted being. I was once a human, true. Once a member of your world. But I was used as an experiment. MMC used DNA extracted from the demons they "acquired" while Microsoft had a portal to hell open to create me. Fortunately, I could get out before they infected me with the DNA of Pate. I seek redemption for my soul... how can I find it helping those who destroyed it?

Ante: You can start by doing this not for them, but for everyone in this world who deserves a chance to live their lives.

Dalaes: ... Just remember, I could take your head off at any time.

Ante: Well... try to save that for sometime after you've played hero.

*Antestarr and Dalaes boarded an automated helicopter. The helicopter started up as a hangar door opened in the side of the mountain. The destination: Yemen.*

[Gebohq]

(NSP: Because a Narrator asking questions to a cliffhanger will actually prove USEFUL here...)

Jumping Jalepenos! Will MegaloManiaCorp.'s involvement play a key role in the upcoming events? Does Ares' really still have his clown college, and if so, will he use it against Purevil's army of mimes? What will Purevil and The Very Last True Evil do when they confront our heroes in Yemen? Will they really confront each other in Yemen even? I wish I knew! So many questions to ask, so little time! Stay tuned, and here's hoping NeS lives on! I'd never thought I'd actually SAY that...

[Highemperor]

Testing 1 2 3

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Quest on epic adventures or duel at the High Citadel (http://pub26.ezboard.com/bhighcitadel)!

[IS_ford1342]

<font face="Verdana, Arial" size="2">Originally posted by Highemperor:
Testing 1 2 3

</font>

OMQ HIGHEMP!!! welcome back dude...

[Michael MacFarlane]

Once again I find myself with a lot of catching up to do.

[CookedHaggis]

*Having just smashed up the High Tech Plothole Making Machine™, Krig and Haggis are a little way from the Evil Mattress Discounters factory warehouse store, and on their way to Yemen. Supposedly*

Haggis: "I say old bean, I don't mean to question your methods, but are you quite sure our current heading is correct for arriving in Yemen?"

*Krig shrugs*

Haggis: "...Right...and that doesn't strike you as a little how should we say...silly, that we don't know exactly where we're going?"

*Krig shrugs*

Haggis: "Ah. If course, if you were a little more articulate, and we could establish a proper dialogue, then this situation may be resolved in a more concise manner."

Krig: "Krig no like talky."

Haggis: *under his breath* "Yes well Haggis doesn't bloody well like Vikings but he has to live with it..."

*Krig turns and looks at him*

Haggis: *ahem* "Something caught in my throa *cough*"

*He pats his chest as if dislodging something*

Haggis: "Blasted roast chestnut went down the wrong way" *ahem*

Krig: "Food?"

Haggis: "Ah, yes, well, I seem to have finished them all. Darn it.
So, any thoughts on the travel situation."

*Krig points forward*

Haggis: "Ah, right we are then."

[Gebohq]

(NSP: Since I forgot to ask this before, and it bugs me, I want to know what the hell a "B.O.I.N.K." is. Perhaps someone can tell me http://forums.massassi.net/html/smile.gif

Until my next story post...)

B.U.M.P.!

[The Last True Evil]

Michael, to summarise what you need to catch up; I, the now-indestructible TVLTE (The Very Last True Evil) challenge you and whatever NeS allies you can muster to a battle for the fate of the thread, in the heart of civilisation; my self-appointed stronghold, Yemen.

A keen intellect will be required to defeat someone who cannot be harmed. But alas, my old friend and adversary, it appears you've come unarmed to a battle of wits...

[shade]

ah, what the hey, I'll bring Galrek in and try to do something useful! ehm, relative to the actual storyline that is. here I come haggis!
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as krig and haggis head for yemen in near silence, they come upon a malfunctioning plot hole generator that appears to have been created by a misdirected plothole. as krig walks over to bash it to pieces, the machine seems to belch, and then make a try at inverting itself while generating a plot hole, the resulting explosion throws bits and pieces of unstable plot all over, and hurls krig head over heels backwards, as the smoke clears, the most unlikely person appears, his very existence causing things to go wrong and right and hurt themselves in the confusion.
Haggis:Galrek? I thought we lost you in a traveling sequence?
Galrek:"yes well, I decided I wanted to go do something. you'd be amazed what one learns when one passes through a writer's skull. I think the writer came out a bit deranged though. I actually know how to cancel out plot holes though! but when I do that, bad things happen to replace them."

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In The beginning the universe was created.
this has made a lot of people angry and been widely viewed as a big mistake.

[shade]

ah, what the hey, I'll bring Galrek in and try to do something useful! ehm, relative to the actual storyline that is. here I come haggis!
----------
as krig and haggis head for yemen in near silence, they come upon a malfunctioning plot hole generator that appears to have been created by a misdirected plothole. as krig walks over to bash it to pieces, the machine seems to belch, and then make a try at inverting itself while generating a plot hole, the resulting explosion throws bits and pieces of unstable plot all over, and hurls krig head over heels backwards, as the smoke clears, the most unlikely person appears, his very existence causing things to go wrong and right and hurt themselves in the confusion.
Haggis:Galrek? I thought we lost you in a traveling sequence?
Galrek:"yes well, I decided I wanted to go do something. you'd be amazed what one learns when one passes through a writer's skull. I think the writer came out a bit deranged though. I actually know how to cancel out plot holes though! but when I do that, bad things happen to replace them."

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In The beginning the universe was created.
this has made a lot of people angry and been widely viewed as a big mistake.

[KyleKatarn7]

NSP: Hey guys, sorry about my streak of non-postage, but now that finals are over with, I'll be posting a lot more often. In fact, I guarantee a post within 24 hours. Need to catch up and everything. Ohhh yeah, and though it currently doesn't need one....[/NSP]

B.U.M.P.

[KyleKatarn7]

Standing in the midst of an alien horde, Geb, Lt. Randy, Kyle, and the rest of the group have been waylaid on their way to Yemen!

Geb: "Hey Randy, any idea how we're gonna get out of this one?"

Randy: "Just a sec..." *pulls out his copy of The Never-Ending Story: A Musical*
" Ohhhhh, once there was a fighter named Randy, his skills and his singing always was handy.
There also was Gebohq, whose name only rhymed with the word sock.
They were in a fine mess, surrounded by creatures, so Randy and Geb had fear on their features.
They ran off in a dust cloud, swearing they'd fight another day. They ran as fast as their legs allowed, away from that awful fray."

Gebohq: "Allright, I guess that answers that....RUN!!!!!"

.............

KKtW: "Uh oh....it looks like the sheer depth of incompetency shown in this post has shocked the narrator into speechlessness! Clear!"

* Ba-dump *

KKtW: "Clear!"

* Ba-dump *

Huh, what? I was having the most horrible dream... I was narrating for this story, and you were there, and these absolutely incompetent heroes were constantly...*looks around*...oh no...no....No, it can't be true, it's impossible!! *curls into a fetal position*

KKtW: "Well...uuhhhh...*cough*...Will the narrator ever recover? Will our heroes ever make it to Yemen? Will there ever be a real NES Musical? Find out next time on the Never-Ending Story: Yemen Bound! [fade out] bound, bound, bound. [/fade out]

[The Last True Evil]

TVLTE: Now, comrades, the world is mine! BWA-HA-HA-HA-HA*cough*heh-heh-heh.....

*And let's face it; TVLTE was well within his rights to laugh. Alone and unassisted, he had invaded the demilitarised Yemen, and with nothing but his standard-issue silenced pistol and machete, had vanquished the combined forces of the world's armies. True, he was slightly aided by a strange paradox that could only occur in the NeS that prevented him from being killed. Now he slumped victoriously on the prestigious Throne of Yemen, a vaguely banana-shaped contraption with more booby trap systems and hidden weaponry than a Bond car.*

TVLTE: Now, let the final guardians approach; the NeS men! (and woman, should she decide to show)....Bah, where are they?! I'm tired of sitting on my hands...time to send them a little hurry-up present. Computer, list current NeS heroes in order of activity.

*Slowly, in a thick, undefinable accent, the computer rattles off a list of familiar names.*

Computer:...Prime threat: Tracer.

TVLTE: Tracer, eh? The name seems familiar, though I don't believe we've met. Computer, list arsenal, in order of most ironic.

*Top on the computer's list is the Anti-Tracer Tracer Bomb, a mortar-like device that can span entire continents, detonating next to the target and unleashing a hail of tracer bullets in every direction.*

TVLTE: Good...that will take out him and at least one more, prompting the rest into action. Deploy the Anti-Tracer Tracer!

*A banana-shaped missile is launched from the Yemen Palace. TVLTE presses another button on the handy throne, and from the floor emerges a metal slab, with the deceased TLTE on it.*

TVLTE: Curious...Life signs register nil, yet he continues to produce new cells and handle basic bodily functions. Computer?

Computer: Obviously, Time trying to repair its error by giving the NeS heroes a chance to revive him, thus making you vulnerable again.

TVLTE: Pffft, Time had its chance, the old geezer...if the NeS heroes come near me, I'll rip their noses off! And I'll just be getting warmed up....BWA-H

*But you get the idea. He laughs a bit more and we fade out. You've seen it a million times before. Hey, don't look like that. I'm doing you a favour here.*

[Tracer]

NSP: (I have no idea what a boink is. Honestly.)

*As they flee the horrifying mutants, Geb and Randy happen upon a television store. Several sets of varying quality are stacked in the window, all showing the same picture. On each screen, a nattily dressed demon winds up his preamble to the coming program.*

Demon: "...and so, on behalf of all of us here at the Canadian Broadcasting Corporation, it is my great pleasure to wish you all a merry Christmas. Enjoy the show."

Bold Lettering: "NeS: The Christmas Special."

*The camera (that is to say the CBC Christmas camera, not the NeS camera) switches to an overhead view of Dickensonian London. The evening is cheerly offset by gas streetlamps, and a faint but steady stream of snow trickles down from above.*

Bold Lettering: "Brought to you by Canada."

*The camera zip-pans its way through the sky, descending thousands of feet in a matter of seconds.*

Bold Lettering: "And various fine Canadian corporations."

*Nearly at ground level, the camera slows and focusses on one individual weaving his way through the Christmas Eve crowds.*

Michael MacDickenson: "Christmas Eve. A time of gifts, kinship and merriment."

*Several laughing children skip down the street.*

Michael MacDickenson: "But in all the teeming millions, how many know the true meaning of Christmas?"

*A random penguin waddles by.*

Michael MacDickenson: "It's an intangible thing, that. The meaning of Christmas isn't so much known as it is experienced."

Penguin: "Honk!"

*Michael begins strolling down the street, his hands dug into his overcoat pockets. The penguin flaps its flippers a few times and then waddles after him.*

Michael MacDickenson: "As Christmas approaches, some may have that experience."

*Michael stops across the street from a Wal-Mart and looks knowingly at the camera, which rotates to face the Wal-Mart. A random snow monster runs screaming down the street and eats the penguin whole.*

Bratty Girl: "Mommy, look! It's Santa Claus!"

Obnoxious Lady: "You know very well that Santa isn't real."

Bratty Girl: "Yes he is! (pouts) He is he is he is!

Krig: "Excuse Krig, lady, but Krig perfectly real."

Obnoxious Lady: (hands on hips) "Stop it, you awful man. You're only going to confuse her."

Bratty Girl: "Really?"

Krig: "Krig Kris Kringle, Father Christmas. Krig the real McCoy."

Bratty Girl: "I knew it!"

Obnoxious Lady: (rolls her eyes) "Wonderful. Well, Santa, I hope you're quite pleased with yourself, spinning your lies to innocent children."

Krig: "Krig not lying. Krig live on North Pole and deliver presents to children."

Bratty Girl: "I want a house and a jeep and a pony -"

*Hundreds of penguins stampede into Wal-Mart. Always inquisitive, Krig reaches out an arm and snatches one from the herd.*

Penguin: "Honk."

Bratty Girl: "- And an airplane and - hey, you aren't listening. Mommy, he's not listening to me!"

Obnoxious Lady: "Good Lord, you've already drawn her in, the least you could do is pay attention to her so we can just leave and get on with it."

*Krig raises the penguin to his nose and sniffs.*

Krig: "Penguin smell nice."

Bratty Girl: "Mommy, why is Santa smelling the penguin?"

Obnoxious Lady: "Don't look sweetie! (to Krig) This is a disgrace! Do you hear me? A disgrace!"

*Krig takes a bite out of the penguin.*

Krig: "Penguin taste nice."

Bratty Girl: (Bursts into tears)

Obnoxious Lady: "Oh my word!"

Penguin: "Honk."

Krig: "Penguin taste resemble chicken taste."

Penguin: "Honk."

Obnoxious Lady: "That is it! We are leaving!"

*Krig munches on the penguin as the Obnoxious Lady takes her bratty daughter by the arm and stomps off.*

[This message has been edited by Tracer (edited December 23, 2002).]

[This message has been edited by Tracer (edited December 23, 2002).]

[shade]

ROFL! that's good. that's really good. now if only we could get someone to do a real christmas special like that. oh well.

------------------
In The beginning the universe was created.
this has made a lot of people angry and been widely viewed as a big mistake.

[Tracer]

Michael MacDickenson: "To Krig the Viking - the real Saint Nick, as fate would have it - Christmas meant penguins. And for that, we should applaud him."

*A nondescript figure in a trenchcoat stalks past Wal-Mart's front door, and the camera moves with him.*

Michael MacDickenson: "However, to others, Christmas was just cause for resentment and anger; not a time of brotherly love, but a time of seclusion."

Michael discreetly exits the scene as a Salvation Army Sergeant approaches the figure.*

Sergeant: "Merry Christmas, sir. I'm with the Salvation Army, and I was wondering if you'd care to make a donation to the less than fortunate this holiday season."

*The figure stops in his tracks and slowly turns around. He fixes the Sally Ann Guy with a withering glare.*

Sergeant: (gulps) "As I was saying, um, sir, if you could spare even the smallest -"

*The figure's arm shoots out, knocking the Sergeant to the cold ground.*

The Last True Evil The Christmas Humbug: "So, you would like for me to make a donation?"

*TLTECH reaches into his pocket and extracts a Russian Cloning Device, which he jams into the Sergeant's upper arm.*

Sergeant: (terrified scream)

TLTECH: "Well, in Soviet Russia, we donate you!?"

*TLTECH smoothly slips his Russian Cloning Device back into his coat as the Sergeant drifts into unconciousness, and continues to walk down the street, daring anybody to stop him.*

NSP: (My last post was intended as a sort-of Miracle on 34th Street parody. This one was the very beginning of A Christmas Carol, but if you get in before me, feel free to take it wherever you like.)

[Gebohq]

Meanwhile, Maybechild, The Otter, and Mr. T continue pondering on how to put an end to the workings of the High Tech Plot Hole Making Machine.

Maybechild: ...

Otter: ...

Mr. T: ...

Well don't just sit there! Think of something already!

Maybe: Stop harrasing us! We're trying to think!

Otter: I'm moreso still trying to recover. Same thing really.

*more silence*

Otter: Hey Mr. Narrator!

Hmmm?

Otter: What have the other guys done?

Maybe: He can't tell us! He's the Narrator! Besides, how do we even know there are other plot-hole making machines! Our communications with the Hall of Heroes has been down!

Well, Krig and Haggis destroyed theirs with Krig using his axe on it, and the one in the future was de-activated thanks to Kyle's use of his laptop.

*Maybechild is stunned. The Otter beams a smile at her.*

Maybe: Still doesn't help us out.

Well destroy the machine! Punch it or something!

Maybe: Hmm... Mr. T?

Mr. T; Whatcha want?

Maybe: Could you punch the High-Tech Plot Hole Making Machine REALLY hard?

Mr. T: I ain't gonna do no crazy thing like that! That be destruction of property!

Otter: Mr. T?

Mr. T: Whatcha want?

The Otter creates and throws a Vulcan's Flame at Mr. T, which simply makes Mr. T mad, causing him to try and punch The Otter. The Otter, having placed himself in the right position, ducks his punch, causing the machine to break.

Otter: And to think, I thought of the idea all by myself http://forums.massassi.net/html/smile.gif

Mr. T: Hey you foo'!

Otter: Huh?

Mr. T punches The Otter in the head, sending him to the floor.

Mr. T: That's for trickin' me!

Maybe: Good idea Otter, thanks http://forums.massassi.net/html/smile.gif

Otter: Sure thing...

Maybechild, The Otter, and Mr. T then use some undisclosed method to transport themselves from where they were to Yemen. Perhaps they used the Holy Reciever, or some clues they found earlier...who knows. It's boring, and not relevant to NeS. Besides, they can't be wasting time--go save NeS already, heroes!

(NSP: I may add to the holiday special that Tracer so beautifully started, but hopefully some of you other writers can add something since I'm not quite sure what to add http://forums.massassi.net/html/wink.gif

I also updated the status screen on page 29, FYI.)

[This message has been edited by Gebohq (edited December 26, 2002).]

[This message has been edited by Gebohq (edited December 26, 2002).]

[shade]

B.U.M.P.
ta-da! a bump!

------------------
In The beginning the universe was created.
this has made a lot of people angry and been widely viewed as a big mistake.

[KyleKatarn7]

Gimme a B!
Gimme a U!
Gimme a M!
Gimme a P!

What's that spell?

B.U.M.P.!!

------------------
"What sane person could live in this world, and *not* be crazy?"

Massassi Dating Forum Activist

[Darth_MEK]

About how much pages will this story be when it's done? http://forums.massassi.net/html/biggrin.gif


Just asking http://forums.massassi.net/html/wink.gif

[shade]

take an 8 and rotate it 90 degrees to the left or right. there is the total intended page count.

(for those of you who don't pay attention in school, that would be the symbol for infinity.)

------------------
In The beginning the universe was created.
this has made a lot of people angry and been widely viewed as a big mistake.

[The Last True Evil]

We all pay attention, don't worry.

[CookedHaggis]

You bumpin' this thread? You bumpin' this thread? You bumpin' this thread? Then what the hell else are you bumpin'? You bvumpin' this this? Well it's the only one here. Which thread do you think you're bumpin'? Oh yeah? Huh? Ok.


I've no idea why I did that either.

[IS_ford1342]

when we last left our heroes, Future Ford the Hero, and Future SemiEvil the Yodafied Hero, they were facing peril at the hands...i mean 'Whiskers' of the Beard Not Named Hank.

BNNH: what the hell are you talking about? There’s only one of them here.

quiet you. I believe all is to be revealed, and for once, not by me. Thank God.

BNNH: whatever.

FStYH: Hologram are a you. Leap is like this Quantum.

FFtH: I swear he gets harder and harder to understand.

suddenly Ford gets an idea.

FFtH: Hey i just got an idea! *commences the summoning of The Cheshire Zippo.*

Ford goes through a whole long thing that really isn’t nessecary, to summon the Cheshire Zippo. Then with a flamboyant crash bang, also which wasn’t nessecary, the CZ appears.

CZ: Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeessssssss?

FFtH: can you take care of that guy over there?

BNNH: where did that thing come from? And why is he smiling and nodding? Hey hes coming over here. OH GOD! WHY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

the BNNH is promptly engulfed in flames.

To be continued….

This post has been brought to you by the No Siblings in the Computer Room Fund, and by the Fellow-Creature-Buldgeoning Device Corporation of America.

[Gebohq]

Dart Wader: B.U.W.H.O.R.M.P!

Geb: No, Dart. Say it with me now. B.U.M.P.!

Dart Wader: B.E.O.W.U.H.M.P!

Geb: Let's try it one letter at a time. B...

Dart: Bwee...

Geb: U...

Dart: Yho...

Geb: M...

Dart: Wem...

Geb: P...

Dart: Pwee...

Geb: Put it together...

Dart: B.E.Y.O.R.U.H.M.P.A.Y.!

Geb: *sigh*

[shade]

B.H.O.R.M.P?

------------------
In The beginning the universe was created.
this has made a lot of people angry and been widely viewed as a big mistake.

[shade]

B.H.O.R.M.P?

------------------
In The beginning the universe was created.
this has made a lot of people angry and been widely viewed as a big mistake.

[Gebohq]

(NSP: Oy, you really got to watch out for those double-posters shade. Wait, why am I saying this--his double-posts bump the post count on the thread. Nevermind... http://forums.massassi.net/html/biggrin.gif

And though I'd like to rat on you for not putting spaces between your paragraphs for readability, Sem and probably a number of others use to do it, and more importantly, you DO post, like, at all.

And stuff.

...

*everyone looks at Geb*

Er...I'm waiting on Ford still. Um...LOOK OVER THERE!

*me gebs it*

Ah...the joys of NeS.)

[shade]

well, I've been trying to find you so I could ask you to post over on my storyline, Torment...but it croaked again, so, if you want to find it and post, go ahead, but I'm not going to revive it if no one likes it.

------------------
In The beginning the universe was created.
this has made a lot of people angry and been widely viewed as a big mistake.

[IS_ford1342]

In our last corporately -sponsored episode, we left the Beard Not Named Hank a mass of burned hair. This leaves Future Ford the Hero, Future Sem the Yodafied Hero, and the Cheshire Zippo to finally sort things out.

FFtH: Hey, CZ. You got some Cheeze™?

CZ: Yeah, but it’s my last bit, and it’s your turn to go to the grocery. You know how I feel about that place. *shudders*

FFtH: Yeah, fine whatever. Just give me the money and ill go. Take that from CZ Sem. It’ll do you good.

FStYH: MMmmmmmmMMMMM!! Cheeze™ GOOOD! GAKKLGLORFLNDL!

FStYH hero suddenly gets a look of great pain on his face. And in a flurry of motion reminiscent of several cartoons, he undergoes a transformation. His body elongates, as his green Yoda skin is absorbed into his bones. His Yoda robe is replaced by a strange cloak resembleing a trench coat. His eyes disappear into his head and are replaced by a creepy red glow.

FStH: ah…. Good this feels….i mean…This feels good.

FFtH: Ugh… Thank God. Now, will you please tell me whats going on?

FStH: you know you’d understand me better if you’d pay more attention. Anyway, what I was trying to say before was that it was like on Quantum Leap. You know that old show with Scott Bakula and Dean Stockwell? well whatever, what I said was youre a hologram.

FFtH: so youre saying that I can walk through walls and stuff, and no one can see me?

FStH: Right.

FFtH: *Looks around for a girls lockerroom, realizes hes at Stonehenge, and looks disappointed* Any idea how long it’ll last?

FStH: Prolly till we get back to the future.

FFtH: we probably wont be making any stops will we…

FStH: No. here let me give you a hand with that. *moves closer to where FFtH is standing near the Boob-like thing.* hmm… it looks like some kind of switch…

Since I haven’t said anything in a while, I fifure its about time I cut in. It was in fact a switch. Just then FStH tripped and fell on the switch causing it to be activated. The boob like thing opened up then and revealed a large closet full of womens clothing.

FFtH: This is our clue?

FStH: I guess we get to dress up…*rins in giggling like a little girl* OOOOoooooOOOO I LOOOOOOOOOOOVE these shoes!

FStH: *noticing a note pinned to a silver clown suit, with orange pom-pom buttons.* Hmmm… *reads*

Dear Ford and Sem,

We are all here in Yemen waiting for you guys to get here. TVLTE is starting to get impatient. Get your butt over here.

Yours truly,
Geb

P.S. - Bring this suit for me. It’s the best one ive got and TVLTE forgot to inform me it was a formal affair.

CZ: Ah Yemen.

FFtH: you’ve been to Yemen?

CZ: yes, I studied oil fires there in college.

Why do Ford and Sem have to year dresses? What is up with the clown suit? Where exactly is Yemen? Find out in the thrilling conclusion of NeS: Thank God its Finally Over.

FStH: Gawd. There is absolutely nothing that goes with these pumps.

[Gebohq]

After much time and confusion, Ford and Semievil finally arrive at Yemen.

Ford: Did we have to stop at the mall?

Sem: The dress didn't match my shoes, and they had a sale at Macy's!

Gebohq, Losien, Lt. Randy, Kyle, Maybechild, The Otter, Mr.T, CookedHaggis, Krig the Viking, Galrek the Neutral, Antestarr, Dalaes, and the NeS heroes of the future lead by Asa Ohq each gave Ford and Semievil questioning looks. The Very Last True Evil and The (presently-dead) Last True Evil did not see Ford or Semievil, preoccupied with talking on the phone.

TVLTE: *over reciever* Yes son, the NeS heroes are all here... No son, I didn't take my Geratol... I don't need to take it! I'm invincible! ...*sigh* I know you care about my health...

Geb: So is everyone here?

Maybe: We haven't heard from Highemperor, Tracer, or Michael McLongname yet.

Geb: Well we can't afford to wait anymore-- TVLTE ran out of old super-villian/hero stories to tell us. We're just lucky Purevil called.

TVLTE: OK, I'll see you here in a bit then... No I can't put TLTE on the line... Cuz he's DEAD Purevil! ...NO it doesn't matter! ...Because TLTE is ME!...

Geb: Ford, Sem, did you bring my suit?

Ford: Yes, but a clown suit?

Geb: What do you mean? This is the most formal attire I own!

Ford: Uh...nevermind.

Kyle: Here Geb, wear this. *hands him the clown nose*

*The other heroes snicker uncontrollably*

Geb: Ha ha. I won't laugh while such danger hangs over us. You just watch...

TVLTE: ...now don't you be bringing your mother into this! I love her very much! ...well of course. Just because I'm a super-villian doesn't mean I can't love you... Don't go blaming me now! My childhood was TEN times worse than yours! TotallyEvil pales in comaprision to the tough love of Mother Russia...

Gebohq heads off to a room nearby, muttering how the chamber looks suspiciously like an eternal battleground. With the world's wealth at your hands, it's expected that TVLTE would make his place look worthy of a god of judgement. Before he gets a chance to step into the room to change though, he bumps into Ares.

Geb: Ares?

Ares: Yeah. Heard there'd be a battle going on here, so I brought some of my top-clown college students to witness it. *looks at clown attire in Geb's hand* Interested in attending?

Geb: I went to a hero's college, thank you very much!

Ares: A lot of good that did you.

Geb: Hey--don't forget who BEAT you back on page one!

Ares: You didn't beat me! I got bored. All you ever did was run away.

Geb: It WORKED, didn't it?

Ares: Could you hurry up? I don't have all day here.

Gebohq enters the room, and a few moments later, exits back out. Ares snickers upon seeing Gebohq.

Ares: Don't forget your red nose! *breaks down laughing. Even the clowns with him start laughing*

Geb: Knew I should have just rented a tux...

Gebohq walks back to the other heroes, who snicker.

Geb: You think this is funny? Our lives are at stake here! Yet *I'M* funny, and Ford and Semievil aren't?

Ford: Shut-up...

TVLTE: ...JUST GET HERE ALREADY! *hangs up the phone* Now onto more important matters...

*TVLTE turns to see Gebohq in a clown outfit, Ford and Semievil in women's clothing, leading the other heroes.*

Oh dear, will The Very Last True Evil die of laugher upon seeing Gebohq, Ford and Semievil? Will by some miracle laughter cure TLTE who is presently dead? Will Purevil arrive with his army of mimes to challange Geb to lead an army of clowns to fight him? Or will something completely different happen? What does TotallyEvil think of all this? What of our missing hereos? YEESH! So much to think about! This is putting me to the test as a Narrator! Tune in next time on The Never-ending Story Thread: The Best Defense is a Good Offense.

[This message has been edited by Gebohq (edited January 13, 2003).]

[The Last True Evil]

*TVLTE laughs. And not just a chuckle, a nefarious, throw-your-head-back-and-convince-the-heroes-how-utterly-fruitcake-ish-you-are laugh. The assorted heroes and not-so-heroic-people, gathered around his throne, stare puzzled.*

Ford: Sheesh, the women's clothing and clown trick is pretty old...thought that an evil Russian god would be a little harder to impress.

TVLTE: Oh, no no, moi druzhya. I laugh not at your fancy garb, but at your impending fate. Everything has been timed, so very perfectly...

Krig: "Moi druzhya"? Krig no speak freaky-deaky TVLTE-speak.

Ares: It's Russian; "My friends".

Geb: What do you mean, "timed"?

Losien: It's a trap! RUN!

TVLTE: Padazhdite, Losien. Slishkom pozdniy anyway...

Ares: "Wait, Losien. Too late anyway"...

CookedHaggis: Your veiled tongue will not help, fiend; we have a translator!

TVLTE: Oh, I do apologise, moy uzhasniy vrag, my terrible enemies, I am speaking in my native tongue only because I am so...very...excited!

Sem: Why?

TVLTE: Glad you asked, tovarish. You see, you came to defeat me; to revive my corpse and thus render me vulnerable again. So I needed a plan. A plan to destroy you all utterly and rid myself of my unfortunate significant other here. But how? You have all, in your separate ways, proven to be worthy adversaries, skilled in both word and deed...

Ford: If it weren't for the rouge on my cheeks my blushing would be painfully obvious.

TVLTE: -So how would I beat you? And the answer, of course, was simple. I played on your dependency to hold large-scale confrontations with every single member of the crew crammed into the room. Following this simple rule, it was fairly obvious to beat you. My invincibility should render me immune to the impending horrible fate about to befall you, but should wipe you and my weak-kneed counterpart here from existence.

Lt. Randy: But how-

*Suddenly, the windows blast open, and Highemperor, Tracer and Michael McLongname fly in on ropes. Highemperor and Tracer take up flanking positions as Michael races past the wide-eyed observers and plunges a silver cutlass into TVLTE's chest. TVLTE, for his part, smiles menacingly back at him, unharmed.*

TVTLE: Ouch.

Michael: Eh?

*It has long been wondered whether any of the NeS heroes saw what was about to happen. A faint flicker of recognition passed through Tracer's eyes, but before it could properly register, the long-forgotten Anti-Tracer Tracer missile, fired by TVLTE hours before, blasts through the roof and lands next to its stunned target, detonating out with incredible, splintering force...*

[shade]

as the deadly missile exploded, events entered that dramatic slow-motion crap where things move slow and look really cool, will our heroes be blown to bits in awesome graphic detail?
Galrek:"hey! that's a bad thing right? with everything in action-slow-motion mode I think I could do something to that! I'll just use my amazing powers of neutrality to cancel out that bad thing!"
Galrek slowly walks over to the exploding missile and spreads his hands out dramatically, then spreads out a field of indecision, absorbing the missile and the explosion...and as things return to normal speed, a plot hole comes zipping out, bouncing off the ceiling and walls to end up on a rapid course for TLTE's corpse.
could this be a good or bad thing? have the heroes been saved by Galrek's neutralness, or has this become a turn for the worse? does anyone really care? will this plot get wierder than it already is? will I ever stop asking questions?

------------------
In The beginning the universe was created.
this has made a lot of people angry and been widely viewed as a big mistake.

[Gebohq]

As the plot-hole homes nearer and nearer to the late-TLTE, The Very Last True Evil, upon realizing the dangers of a plot-hole hitting TLTE, quickly hits a button, causing TLTE's body to desend. The plot-hole thus misses TLTE, ricochets around the large chamber, and hits Highemperor, causing him to go back to where he previously had been.

Maybe: Hmm. Galrek's incredible powers of indecisiveness can apparently turns things into plotholes. Make sense--it seems to happen to the writers all the time.

TVLTE: You won't be saved by a plothole THIS time, old friends!

Bursting through one of the sides of the chamber, a huge army of mimes swarm in, with Purevil in their midsts, blocking the NeS heroes from The Very Last True Evil.

Otter: Do you really have to say that?

I'm just doing my job, however much it pains me to do so. Don't shoot the messenger!

Ares: Gah! Mimes!

*Ares runs away, leaving his top clown students behind*

Clown #1: Mimes are so evil!

Clown #2: Yes, if only our great teacher hadn't retreated. We could really use a leader skilled in the ways of clown-dom to aid us in fighting these mimes off.

Clown# 1: But who...hey look! It's Gebbo! The one who could challange our great teacher!

*The masses of clowns assemble by Gebohq, donned in a clown outfit*

Clown #1: Oh great Gebbo the clown, will you lead us in battle.

Geb: Uh...*Maybechild gives Geb a "you better or else" look*... yeah, of course.

TVLTE: Ah, how beautiful the timing is...*sniffle*. So long, comrades!

*TVLTE slids down a trap-door (after having pressed a complicated set of buttons), leaving the NeS heroes stuck in the middle of a full-scale clash between clowns and mimes.*

Will Gebbo the Clown lead his new-found army into victory? Will the other NeS heroes be able to track down The Very Last True Evil in the chaos of battle? What roles will Purevil, TotallyEvil, and Dalaes play in the upcoming scenes, if any? Will the Writer's Ring of Ultimate Power found by MZZT be used, and if so, how? What will happen to Highemperor, now that he's in Neo London? Let's hope we find out soon, here on NeS: A Mime is a Terrible Thing to Waste.

(NSP: I used the plothole to take Highemp out because Highemp the *actual* writer will be around more, and still has plans for his character. I believe Antestarr has a follow-up to this post, so please let him do the next post. Unless he hasn't posted in like 3-4 days. Then go ahead http://forums.massassi.net/html/wink.gif)

[IS_ford1342]

(NSP: Begun, this clown war has.)


[This message has been edited by IS_ford1342 (edited January 17, 2003).]

[shade]

ford, that was so bad, I'm going to smite you with a rubber chicken!

------------------
In The beginning the universe was created.
this has made a lot of people angry and been widely viewed as a big mistake.

[Antestarr]

NSP: Aye, the rumors be true. There be a post in the works by yours truly. Ye shall see of its grandeur sometime later today (hopefully after I've had more than 2 hours of sleep. probably after I've had 3 hours of work.) Fer now I be off ta the land o' the nap.

[SM_Trige]

Suddenly, out of the blue, God looks down own earth from between two clouds. He realizes that with all of the lip syncing pop-music icons and people only caring about their image that it would really be a waste to let the world keep spinning. He grabbed his mighty thunderbolt and shattered the earth into millions upon billions of pieces, ending the never-ending story for good.

[shade]

shut up trige, the likes of you cannot end the never-ending story thread...thus the name...NEVER...ENDING...as in has no end, won't have an end now, later, or ever. look it up in the dictionary. now bugger off.

------------------
In The beginning the universe was created.
this has made a lot of people angry and been widely viewed as a big mistake.

[Antestarr]

*The heroes watched in awe as Gebohq, in a surprising display of competency, took on the role of Gebbo the Clown: Tactical Genius and Leader of the Clown Forces. What was once a great chamber in a ruined city quickly turned into the chaos of a battlefield. Squirting flowers met up with invisible panes of glass. Air lassos pulled down oncoming assailants. Balloon Animal Riders plowed through any who could not take the imaginary stairs out of the way. And above it all, Gebbo and Purevil orchestrated the madness as a couple of conductors trying to prove the superiority between Fantasia and Beethoven's 9th Symphony.

The battlefield now lay spread out before the heroes, barring their path from the tunnel into which The Very Last True Evil escaped.*

Lt. Randy: We're cut off! How can we get to TVLTE?

Dalaes *Pulling out his sword*: I know a way...

Antestarr: Hold it, Dalaes. While I agree that's the best chance we have of getting through to the other side, we've got to manage our resources. We're trapped in a temporal anomaly, so this battle could last 30 seconds, or 30 years and noone would be the wiser. Maybechild and Losien, go over to Gebbo and try to make sure he doesn't do anything stupid.

Maybechild: So, you want us to try and prevent him from succumbing to his own nature?

Ante: Right. Semievil and Randy, you two try to get Otter close enough to Purevil to cause a... uh... distraction.

Sem/Randy: Roger.

Otter: What about me?

Ante: Just be yourself. I'm sure you'll do your part admirably. Cooked and Ford, you two go around back and try to find an alternate entrance/exit. Kyle, you go with them and see if you can find out anything about the temporal anomaly with your palm pilot thingy.

*Ante hands Ford what appears to be a pistol.*

Ante: Take this, Ford. You'll probably need it. Just don't stand too close to whatever you're aiming at. Galrek: You try to decide which side will win this battle.

Galrek: Oh, but I so hate taking sides...

Ante: Just do it. It could expedite things around here. MacLongname, you try to find Tracer, as he's been missing since the missile incident. Afterwards, try to catch up with Cooked and Ford's group. Krig, you and I will be following Dalaes here straight across the battlefield. Feel free to smash whatever comes to mind as long as it's not me or him. Alright everyone, on my mark. 3...2...1... MARK!

*Dalaes pulled free a small cylinder from his belt, twisted it, and threw it out over the middle of the battlefield. Without a sound, a shockwave suddenly ripped through the mass of people, leaving a circular wave of bodies falling to the ground. Dalaes then charged forward with great force, causing clown and mime alike to be flung about as he swung his sword. Ante followed, wielding his rifle, as Krig charged as well, helping to clear the path straight across. The others split off to perform their various missions, unawares of the threat that loomed beneath them.*

[KyleKatarn7]

As the mime melee rages on, Kyle Katarn roams the battle field, datapad in hand, completely oblivious to the skirmish centered around him. Cream pies exploding around him, slipping past invisible mime walls, Kyle Katarn is thoroughly, completely, and irrevocably focused on finding the source(s) of the temporal anomaly.

Kyle Katarn: *mumbling to himself* "Hmm...now what if I...Nope, that didn't work. Let's see if it's coming from..nope, the temporal thingymabober isn't beeping.."

Close by... (Ha! Take that, you silly meanwhile!)

Krig: "Dalaes, Krig go smash stuff now?"

Dalaes: "Go, my friend, smash as the hammer smashes the nail, pound as the elephant's foot pounds the ground in travel, smash as the doughnut dunked into the coffee breaks into a thousand scintillating pieces upon your teeth....errr...just go smash Krig. Don't smash the good guys though."

Krig: "Krig smash! Smashy smashy smash!"

Kyle Katarn, in his wanderings around the battle field, finds himself at just the right angle, and at just the right spot, for the glint of the sun off of his datapad to shine directly into Krig's eyes. What a coincidence, eh?

Krig: "Ohhhhh, shiny thing! Krig smash!!!"

Charging past the dueling clowns and mimes, Krig raises his axe, and with a mighty battle cry neatly chops the datapad into two sparking, useless pieces.

Does this spell certain doom for our heroes? Will we be trapped forever in a temporal paradox? Will we be showing reruns throughout the ages as filler material? Find out next time on the Never-Ending Story: I, Viking.

------------------
"What sane person could live in this world, and *not* be crazy?"

Massassi Dating Forum Activist

[Gebohq]

B.U.M.P.!

B.U.M.P.!

B.U.M.P.!

B.U.--

NeS P&C adventure game player (AGP): Shut up already!

*AGP sits down to his computer and resumes his game which was left idle for some time.*

(NSP: TLTE and the rest of you-- if you can, work Purevil in TVLTE's plans some more. I'm at a thought-road block in thinking of ideas for his involvement, but I know he should be involved more. Go back to your cliffnotes e-mail if you still got 'em for inspirations. Maybe work in TotallyEvil, Sporkus Malorkus, Holy Hand Remote, and such some more. Just throwing out idea-rs.)

[shade]

I'm thinking on my next course of action...but a good storyplot is difficult to create to my standards. even if it is for NES. well, I'll think on it and have something for y'all by tomorrow...later!

------------------
In The beginning the universe was created.
this has made a lot of people angry and been widely viewed as a big mistake.

[Tracer]

Randy: Great...now we're all going to spilt up again and end up in seperate corners of the globe. I mean, come on. We just got here.

Otter: I'm so bored.

Suddenly, a mime approaches Ford!

Ford: You stay away from me, mime!

Ford raises the gun bestowed upon him by Antestarr. Unbeknownst to Ford, he is not weilding just any old firearm - the gun in his hand is none other than the quantum blaster thing from pages past! Totally ignorant of the power in his hands Ford takes aim and fires at the advancing mime. Exciting!

The room seems to bend and distort, spinning and twisting around the mime, who is the focal point of all the chaos. Just when the room appears stretched to its limits, there is a blinding flash.

Otter: Hey, where'd everybody go?

MaybeChild: [INSERT SCIENTIFIC EXPLAINATION HERE]

Otter: Makes sense to me!

Antestarr: So, I guess with all the clowns gone Geb can change back into his normal clothes.

Gebbo: Right. But first, won't somebody shake my hand?

MaybeChild: No, you've obviously got a hidden buzzer there.

Gebbo: Fine, but perhaps you'd like to admire my corsage?

MaybeChild: No, because it squirts water.

Gebbo: Honk my nose?

MaybeChild: (shakes head) I'm going after TVLTE.

*MaybeChild walks over to the magical trap door thing that convienently appeared out of nowhere and descends through it.*

Kyle: (Holding the fragments of his datapad) You destroyed it!

Krig: Krig sorry.

CookedHaggis: We can rebuild it, my dear chap. We have the technology.

Kyle: We do not! It came from the future!

CookedHaggis: Oh. Well, time to go catch the bad guy, then!

*Tune in next week for more primo adventures of the magical NeS crew!*
(NSP: This is really starting to drag. I'd like to end it soon, if nobody minds.)

[Gebohq]

(NSP: Hey, I tried ending it a while ago with the whole Geb dressing up as a clown initially. Haven't really been able to think of much since then. I'm pretty sure Ante still had a little bit in mind, but other than that, I'm not aware of any other reason to finish up this sidestory now.

Once this sidestory does finish up, I got some work cut out ahead of me into working this stuff into a descent action/plot-tree design for the hopefully game-to-be...

On another note, I'm a sad, sad clown now http://forums.massassi.net/html/frown.gif --no climatic heroics of Geb's came in play to leading the clown army to victory http://forums.massassi.net/html/wink.gif)

[Tracer]

(NSP: No, I meant problems with me ending it in a big multi-post blow out. Like now.)

[Antestarr]

(NSP: Hey, I have some ideas I have yet to throw in. I plan on posting in the near future. Oh, and I blame the temporal anomaly for turning my pistol-sized rocket launcher into my personal singularity generator...)

[This message has been edited by Antestarr (edited January 25, 2003).]

[CookedHaggis]

Umm...Hi Geb...*waves*


I'm totally going to post somet...ooh, distracting trinket...

[Gebohq]

(NSP: *sigh* It's not like I don't have my own times when I don't feel like posting! Why do you think I bug all of you guys so much to post? http://forums.massassi.net/html/wink.gif

And because trying to think of new ones are fun...)


_______ _ _ _ _ ________
| | | | |\ /| | | V
| | | | | \ / | | | V
| | | | | \ / | | | V
|----- | | | \/ | |------| V
| | | | | | | V
| | | | | | |
|_____|O |_____|O |_ _|O |O O


Mwa-ha. Mwa-ha. Mwa-ha-ha.

[This message has been edited by Gebohq (edited January 26, 2003).]

[Semievil333]

Long, long time ago
I can still remember when
A plothole used to make me smile

And I knew if he had his chance
Otter would get smashed and he'd dance
And we'd all get rejected in a while

But all those villains made me shiver
With every plot that they'd deliver

The thought of 'plot' made us blush
And then we heard a big 'flush'

The computer narrated the scene
The plotholes soon became obscene
It's all right there in white and green
And then, the posters died.

We were singin
My-my see the pages go by
Postin' somthin'
Or just B.U.M.P.in'
‘Till our ideas run dry
And Meanwhile we saw the Meanwhile count fly
And thought maybe the story won’t die.
Maybe the story won’t die.

Did you make a run for cokes
Did you steal a pack of Otter's smokes,
'Cause the narrator told you to?

Now do you believe NeS makes you whole
Can postin' save your mortal soul?
And can yuo t each mee hwo ot typ real slow?

Well ****** was pummled by a duck
And then he expostulated: "fuq"

Then hunger gave us the blues
Tacos and cheeze did we choose!

After but silly we ate cheese
Spoke did we in all Yoda-eese

We caught a ride to Stonehenge- geese
The day the ducky died...

Benevolent
Upward
Mobility
Pie

------------------
The early bird may get the worm-
but it's the second mouse who gets the cheeze.

Omnia quae specto dominavi, et tantam magnus sum, ut non specto!

[shade]

sem, *sniff* that was beautiful! but you have got too muchtime onyour hands if you wrote that. you should get that game Life. I hear its pretty fun.

------------------
In The beginning the universe was created.
this has made a lot of people angry and been widely viewed as a big mistake.

[Tracer]

Leslie Nielson: "Hello. I'm Leslie Nielson, and I'll be filling in for your usual writers, who were all brutally murdered by the mafia as an example to others."

*As he speaks, Mr. Nielson slips into a Clonaid lab coat and enters the laboratory.*

Leslie Nielson: "I'd like to tell you a story entitled 'the little fetus that could'..."

&lt;THE END?&gt;

[Krig the Viking]

Leslie Nielson: "...and thus, wearing a pigtail on top of your head makes you look insane. I'd like to thank you all for listening, and if you want to give me money, please do so. Until next time, I'm Leslie Nielson."

*Zip-pan to the Hall of Heroes, inside Big Ben, London, Present Day. Geb, Krig, Haggis, and the rest of the gang are hanging out by the big computer screen, reminiscing. Janitor Bob and Lt. Randy are sitting on a couch in front of the big screen, hanging out.*

Janitor Bob: "...so the Writers were all killed by Mafia hitmen?"

Lt. Randy: "Yep."

Janitor Bob: "So who's in control of the story now?"

Lt. Randy: "I dunno. I think I heard Krig say Leslie Nielson is, but that can't be right."

*Janitor Bob looks over at Purevil, sitting beside him on the couch.*

Janitor Bob: "And how is it that this guy is no longer trying to kill us?"

Purevil: "Oh, you know, after we found out the Writers were all dead, we all just realised; 'what's the point?' All this fighting and violence -- where does it ever get any of us? So we decided to call the whole thing off."

J-Bob: "But... You're pure evil! That's even your name!"

Purevil: "Hey, evil can be lazy too!"

*Just then, a very hairy Viking runs past in his underwear, holding his axe over his head and yelling at the top of his lungs.*

Lt. Randy: "Oh boy, Sem gave Krig caffeine again..."

J-Bob: "Hey! I just washed that floor!"

As J-Bob tries to corner Krig with a mop, the camera pans out to show the finest Heroes the world has to offer just sort of hanging around, not doing anything. What will become of the world, now that things are back to normal? Well, not quite normal -- there's still quite a few supervillians running around, and Canada is still ruled by the Forces of Darkness™, but it's pretty much as close as we're going to get. Will our loveable Heroes retire? Try to go on vacation again? Get abducted by aliens? Do something entirely different? Who knows? I've long since given up trying to make any sense of it. So tune in next time for more senseless, semi-coherant, random and inane prattle, here on the Never.... Ending... Stoooooooryyyyyyyyyyyyy.......

(PS: Um -- if you guys have anything else you wanted to add to the whole Mime-Clown War / Plothole Crisis plot -- I guess ya can do it in flashbacks. Or something. But I would really like to get on to other things. Like shorter, more efficient posts, and some sort of random, not-plotted-to-death plot. http://forums.massassi.net/html/wink.gif

And um... NeS Lives! w00t!)

------------------
"Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society." --Mark Twain


[This message has been edited by Krig_the_Viking (edited January 31, 2003).]

[Gebohq]

(NSP: I would hope so -- Ante said he had stuff he still wanted to do, and the whole point of this substory was to have a basic idea for the game to be based on, and I was REALLY hoping someone would give this substory an ending that could be feasible in a point-and-click adventure game. So, uh...

Write your post already, Ante! And not that I don't agree with Krig, but perhaps we can ignore, to a degree "plot-wise" anywhos...? /shrug/ Only if needed, obviously.)

[Antestarr]

*KyleKatarn7, walking in on Purevil continuing on about how the writers were dead and this could spell the end of everything, decided to set the record straight... AGAIN.*

Kyle: How many times do I have to tell you guys? The writers aren't dead. They've simply fallen into a dimensional paradox loop thus negating their existance from our world and leaving us S.O.L. as far as what we should do is.

Purevil: Aww... but dead is so much more... more... DRAMATIC!

Randy: Acually, I think the word you were looking for was "cliche".

J-Bob: Or maybe "soap opera-esque".

Kyle: ANYWAY, has anyone seen Ante? I wanted him to look into fixing me up with a new datacorder, as he seems to have unusual technological hook-ups when you least expect them.

Randy: Last I knew he was off in some brooding mood lugging around that rifle of his. I think he was headed for the steeple.

Kyle: Brooding. Steeple. Rifle. Got it... WAIT A SEC? Aren't you guys a little, I dunno, worried?

J-Bob: Well, it's not like he took Otter with him.

Kyle: True...

*Camera pan through the ceiling giving a shot of the stairwell to the steeple. Camera continues to rise until it comes to rest on Ante sitting on a wooden crossbeam with one leg dangling. He'd changed his outfit yet again, this time moving on to khaki cargo pants, a button down shirt like you might find at Abercrombie with the top three buttons undone, a white undershirt, and a brown leather jacket. His sniper rifle leaned on his shoulder as he sat pensively.*

Ante *muttering to himself*: Things didn't have to go the way they did, did they? Our existence isn't simply pre-determined... And yet, these recent events... I just can't see how they could have transpired any other way. From the moment the sounds of battle became utter silence, it was as though we were trapped in the strings of fate...

*Wavy camera ripples accompanied by a repeating "diddleywoo" sound signified the change to a flashback. As the picture cleared, it showed our heroes entering the tunnels beneath the battlefield, risking their lives through devious traps and crazed fanatical followers of evil until they came to a great chamber. Hewn of marble, great columns reached the ceiling. Stone walls and floors assembled years ago by people who by all rights should not have been able to complete it. To the left were cages holding great beasts of all kinds from all over the world, an exotic petting zoo of sorts. To the right was The Very Last True Evil, wearing an apron and a chef's hat and barbecuing some steaks with TLTE's body on the table behind him. Straigh ahead was an altar with enormous torches to either side. This was a palace of the past, and a palace of the future.*

TVLTE: Ah, welcome my guests. Welcome to my specialized deathtrap.

Gebohq: TVLTE, we've got you cornered, outnumbered, and outclassed (I hope). Give up now and we'll go easy on...

*Before Geb could finish his dramatic speech, the ringing of steel filled the room. To everyone's awe, Dalaes' sword was a half a millimeter from Ante's neck and held steady. Ante could hardly breathe, for fear of creating a new airhole he didn't particularly desire.*

Dalaes: I would suggest that none of you try anything right now; that is, if you value your comrade's life. Come now, friend, we need to have a little "talk".

(NSP: Part 1 of flashback 2k3 is up. Next installment in tomorrow, I swear.)

[Antestarr]

*Dalaes led Antestarr to the open area between the cages, the barbecue, and the altar. He then relaxed his sword arm and circled, as if appraising Ante.*

TVLTE: Ooo... it appears as though we'll have some entertainment this evening. Say, how do you guys like your steaks? I don't want to seem like an ungracious host before I put you all to your doom.

Otter: Um... can someone please explain what's going on here?

Maybe: It's simple. We're all going to die if we don't stop the evil villain, but he wants to give us a last meal and entertain us with a barbaric fight to the death in an ancient temple.

*TVLTE makes a motion for the other heroes to take a seat by the barbecue while he continued cooking the steaks. In the center of the palace, Dalaes continued circling Ante, as though ready to pick him apart at any moment.*

Dalaes: Alright. Draw your weapon.

Ante: What...?

Dalaes: I said draw. You and I fight, right here, right now.

Ante: What are you talking about? I thought we had an arrangement.

Dalaes: We did. However, you've helped me to see what needs to be done...

Ante: We need to stop The Very La...

Dalaes: SILENCE!

*Dalaes rushed at Ante, ready to slice him in half. Ante jumped to the side, lighting off his lightclaymore and taking a defensive stance.*

Ante: You realize these things can easily cut through steel.

Dalaes: However, my blade was forged in the hellfires of Canada. I highly doubt you'll cleave it.

*The clash of demonsteel against lightblade resounded as Ante fought to keep up with his opponent. The two moved throughout the center area of the palace, pulling off amazing dodges and pillar rebounds. However, it was clear that Dalaes had the upper hand.*

Ante *breathing heavily*: Why...

Dalaes *approaching menacingly*: Because. I needed to set my priorities. What is most important to me...? You should have realized this: Revenge against those who destroyed my life. If siding with evil can get me that... then who needs to be a hero?

Ante: What about redemption?

Dalaes: I've begun to think that it's too late for that. *getting angry* I've been stripped of my humanity. WHAT IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN MY VENGEANCE?!

*With that, Dalaes seemed to be enveloped in a darkness. Large leathery wings extended as he reared back and roared. His main features were still there, but his skin had become dark and leathery, and his eyes now glowed with a dark fire of pure hatred. He rushed at Ante with a speed even greater than before and unleashed a flurry of swings. Ante barely managed to deflect the blows, but the force of one final swing threw him into one of the marble columns. As Dalaes slowly approached the wounded Ante, a great laughter was heard from the altar. A large, phantasmal head faded in above it, watching over the scene below.*

PH: Excellent. I doubt things could have gone any MORE according to plan...

(NSP: And thus ends Part 2 of flashback 2k3... Stay tuned for more.)

[Gebohq]

NeS game player (GP): Hmmm...

*GP clicks on Gebohq, who says "Hey, watch where you're poking that thing!" The GP then clicks on the large, phantasmal head, requesting what Geb sees.*

I'd suggest asking one of the other heroes.

Geb: *not paying attention* Man I'm hungry...

*The GP cycles to Antestarr, and clicks on the large phantasmal head.[/i]

Ante: *pointing out the approaching Dalaes* I'm a little busy here...

*The GP sighs, and simply clicks on the large phantasmal head, hoping the Narrator will say something.*

...what? It's big. It's phantasmal. And I have no idea why it's here right now.

*The GP clicks it again, this time with the "touch" command.*

I can't touch it! It's phantasmal! You know, the ghostly kind. Besides, I'm a voice-over! I mean, I suppose I could try summoning an ice comet--

everyone else: NO!

Guess that wouldn't solve much anyway.

*The GP searches his options, and is fustrated when he finds no "Ghostbusters-on-speed-dial" option. The GP then attempts to look up the strategy guide for the game, only to realize that the creators were too lazy to make one and he's actually the beta tester. He finally turns to reading the NeS thread, only to find out that the game deviates from the thread, much like many book-to-game conversions. Accepting defeat at his plot to cheat, the GP turns back to the game, which has been "B.U.M.P."ing for the last three minutes.*

(NSP: Yeah, just pretty much an excuse for a B.U.M.P. Hopefully Antestarr [being on fire, relatively at least] will pass the torch soon . Until then, I need all of your input on little game-stuff that could be thrown in like I just did above. If you feel there's something that should be in the game but would be awkward to put in now, please post it over at [i]Alternate Stories (http://forums.massassi.net/html/Forum7/HTML/000354.html) as I would much appreciate it http://forums.massassi.net/html/smile.gif)

[Gebohq]

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...crud, I forgot what I was going to post. Ah well.

B.U.M.P.!


(NSP: Woohoo! NeS is now 40! Time to have a mid-life crisis in fear of turning senile... I guess...

Oh yeah, there's someone looking for writers. If you're interested, go here (http://forums.massassi.net/html/Forum1/HTML/026255.html).

And if Ante doesn't post within the next two days, I'm going to wrap this thing up myself. Knowing how quickly Tracer and Krig posted to wrap this up before though, I'm sure they'll beat me too it http://forums.massassi.net/html/wink.gif

And you all thought I was actually going to post something relevant. http://forums.massassi.net/html/biggrin.gif)

[Trigger Happy Chewie]

????

------------------

"Bantha's are filthy animals.......I don't eat filthy animals."

"Laugh it up Fuzzball!"
-Han Solo

[Antestarr]

NSP: My dearest readers and fellow writers. I had every intention of putting up the next section of my flashback 2k3 series tonight. Unfortunately, I've come down with some problems with a little thing I like to call "breathing". While apparently required in order to live, I've been having great pains in the area going from my right ear to my right clavicle every time I attempt to take a deep breath since about 5 this morning. So, rather than attempt to write a post in a breath-induced headache mode, I've chosen to postpone until the near future, when I don't have trouble doing things that keep me from not being "alive".

[Antestarr]

*The Heroes stood in awe as Dalaes' demonic form moved closer to the pummeled Ante. The Great Phantasmal Head loomed above, echoing an evil laugh with heavy reverb. TVLTE continued his preparation of steak, content with the sideshow before him. Ante, through his blurred vision, saw Purevil suddenly rush into the great chamber waving a large wooden object with a bristly end over his head.*

Purevil: Look! Look! I have the magical pushbroom of Janitor Bob! Can we go to our happy home now, O Great One?

TVLTE: Happy home... right. The world is our "happy home." Honestly, "son," you really don't grasp it at all...

The Phantasmal Head went from simply laughing evilly to laughing in evil hysterics. Forgetting about his imminent death while distracted by something shiny, Otter wandered off from the rest of the heroes who were grouped together.*

PH*trying to stop laughing*: Oh... *ahem*... pardon me. The comedy here is overwhelming.

Geb: Yes, well, we still don't know who you are Mr. Floaty Head Guy.

MFHG (aka PH): Ah, yes. I suppose it's time I introduced myself. I think I'll use this cliche analogy that I've been dying to try. I have been moving all my pieces into place to try for the final checkmate. I lulled my "opponent" into putting his pieces where he seemed think they could strike strategically. However, as I am not one to play fair, I'm about to tip the entire board over and call myself winner by default! Mwahahahahaha!

Ford: What's he talking about?

Maybechild: I think he's trying to use the chess piece analogy. But he's gotten a little too into his role.

MFHG: As I was saying. I now have you exactly where I want you.

TVLTE: Hey, what about me?! I'm invincible! Where'd you come from anyway?

MFHG: I've always been here, manipulating things. Your invincibility for instance. That was my doing. TLTE's "death." That is also under my control. For you see: he is not truly dead, I have simply hidden his vital signs from you. And your "invincibility?" That is a gift I have given you so as to lull you into the belief that you can take over the world.

TVLTE: Untrue!

MFHG: Purevil! If you want to prove your evilness, shoot your "father" in the arm.

Purevil: Yessir!

*Producing a small calibur pistol, Purevil shot TVLTE in the arm. TVLTE screamed in both pain and shock, realizing that he could no longer simply absorb damage. Clutching his arm and staining his apron, TVLTE fell to the ground.*

MFHG: You see, I have gained great power over the spawning of plotholes. By spawning one within TVLTE, I granted him immortality for a time. However, that time is now over... Thanks to a few other events, your precious gods that you call the "writers" are within our realm. All I need do now is breach the wall between our realm and that of omniscience, or as you call it, the "narrator" realm, to gain ultimate power.

Geb: I have just one question, MFHG. Why did you follow the cliche "chessboard analogy" with the cliche "villain revealing his evil plot to the heroes just before they come up with a miraculous victory plan?"

MFHG: Ah, that is because it has been my destiny to do so since the beginning of time. I am the Apocalypse of this era, and the Genesis of the next. I have suffered many ages to see this day... I am *Dramatic Torch Flare Up* THE FIRST FALSE EVIL!

*Numerous heroes burst into laughter at hearing the villains name. This laughter is soon stifled by another Dramatic Torch Flare Up.*

Maybechild: Uhh... so, why are you the main evil villain and not Purevil again?

TFFE: Purevil... heh... more like Puerile. That... that child isn't even genetically evil. He was adopted by TVLTE and TotallyEvil. You see, the greater evil you are, the greater chances of sterility you have. So, being True Evil causes one to be 100% sterile. Hence why TLTE cloned himself and why most villains seek immortality. Purevil simply wasn't bad enough for his parents, no matter how hard he tried. That's why he came to me.

*A collective "oooooooooh" hummed through the crowd. Otter, still in his own little world, noticed a strange door to something that looked like a blast shelter.*

TFFE: As for Dalaes... One like him will always be a useful pawn. Hellbent on revenge and powerful beyond belief, he is more than enough to keep you from stopping me. I'm so proud of Ante for having the foresight to bring me such a catch.

Ante: *groan*

TFFE: Oh, and Dalaes, I suppose I should let you know: you always had your soul. In fact, you have two, a human and a demon soul. The fact that you could only feel your demon soul amuses me to no end, but now that you've crossed over to full demon form, you really have no choice but to be evil. Heh... isn't that ironic?

*Dalaes shot a killer glare towards TFFE. Ante, being able to breathe again, started laughing*

Ante: HAHAHAHAHA! What a stupid name... The First False Evil.

TFFE: SILENCE, WHELP! I'll have you know that that name was bestowed upon me because, at the beginning of time, I was the first evil. However, I was also the first evil to be defeated. It was one of those embarassing moments when a cute little girl looked me in the eye and told me she wasn't scared... I... I lost all power at that moment and became a false evil. Soon, though, I shall be the most powerful being ever known!

*As TFFE reached the end of his tirade, Otter started to jiggle the handle on the door he had found.*

TFFE: What the... Hey! PAY NO ATTENTION TO THE MAN BEHIND THAT DOOR!

*But it was too late. Otter opened the door, revealing a small control room wherein stood a 4.5 foot tall balding man in a wifebeater, striped boxer shorts, and thick glasses.*

TFFE and Balding Man: Gah! I told you leave the door alone!

Otter: You're TFFE? BWAHAHAHA!

TFFEtBM: Yes. I am. That's why I was laughed out of my power. I mean, honestly, who would quiver before a balding accountant named Norman who collects stamps?

*The collective group of heroes begins laughing in hysterics, quieted by yet another Dramatic Torch Flare Up.*

Norman: Oh, but it's too late. My plan has allready been put into motion. Within the next 10 minutes, the plot hole barrier containing my pride and joy, the white plot hole, will collapse releasing the white plot hole into this room. You, my friends, will be destroyed while at the moment it resonates with the narrator's realm, I shall make a transferrence. And with the infinite knowledge and the power of your "writers" within this realm, I will be able to control the destiny of all beings of this realm. I will be able to control plotholes in all aspects. I will be able to take over all realms imaginable!

*With that Norman locked himself back in his blast chamber. At the same moment TLTE woke up and slid off to the ground. After a quick survey of the area, and still in a dilusional state from too much sleep, TLTE held up a steel briefcase while complaining.*

TLTE: This doesn't look like Vegas at all! Where are the slot machines? The video poker. The women giving out free drinks?! I mean, honestly, what am I going to do with this 10 million dollars?!

Geb: 10 million dollars?!

*Checking the mysterious miraculous briefcase, Geb found that there was, in fact, 10 million dollars inside.*

Geb: Great, we finally get rich right before we die. Of all the luck...

Maybechild: Wait... I have an idea. Who's the fastest runner here?

*Everyone looked at Geb.*

Maybechild: Right... why'd I even ask... Ok, Geb. You need to take that briefcase to London and meet with our writer selves and try to get us out of this predicament.

Geb: But you know I don't run well unless under pressure.

*Maybechild took the plate that the steaks had sat on and poured the steak juice all over Geb. She then motioned KyleKatarn7 over to the cages on the other side of the chamber, who proceeded to open the cage marked "Starving Bengal Tiger."*

Maybechild: Is that pressure enough...?

*The bengal tiger leapt out of the cage, drawn to the fresh meaty scent emanating from Geb's body. Instinct kicked in, and Geb was out the door cartoonishly fast, with a bengal tiger hot on his heels.*

Ford: Hmm... I wonder if he can actually make it to London in time...

*At the same time, off in a corner, Dalaes took a moment for himself.*

Dalaes: What... what have I done...? What have I become?!

(NSP: WHEW. Now to decide if I should continue with another flashback 2k3 post or trust someone else to handle such a burden...)

[Gebohq]

Tiger: Wraa!

Gebohq: Ahhh!

Gebohq is madly running from the starving Begal tiger, out of The Very Last True Evil's headquarters, through the oil fields of Yemen, through the desert lands of Saudi Arabia, through Jerusalum, swimming across the Mediterranian Sea (the tiger swimming behind), dashing through the Vatacin City, skiing down the Alps (the tiger on skis as well), and through the busy streets of Paris.

At this point, the Bengal tiger stopped, huffing and puffing, and said "Screw this," and decided to eat out at the nearest Parisian restaurant. The tiger was appalled at the service though, and ate 26 people and a mime who failed out of the Mime Acadamy.

Gebohq, having not bothered to turn around and see that the tiger stopped chasing him, began to swim the English Channel, briefcase in mouth. Upon the first hundred feet though, he noticed a swarm of alligators in the water.

Geb: WHAT? You got to be kidding! Why the hell are there alligators in a temperate zone?

Got me.

*Begin "Jungle Hunt" graphic scene. A horribly pixelated Gebohq swims up and down, avoiding the alligators, the "bee-doop bee-doop" sound as he's diving and a static-y sound as he swims on the surface. After some time, the "Jungle Hunt" graphic scene stops, and Gebohq reaches the shores of England.*

Geb: Thank God! I'm almost in London... that's in Scotland, right?

Oh boy. Stay tuned to see if The First False Evil conquors all of NeS!

Highemperor: I thought of it first!

We don't care.

Highemperor: http://forums.massassi.net/html/tongue.gif

[This message has been edited by Gebohq (edited February 11, 2003).]

[roadmaster103]

The Tiger's story: a sidenote:

Roadmaster opened his door slowly, peering out through his overgrown mess of a garden, past the gate that he never could fix, into a world that had forgotten him. He decided that enough was enough. With one foot, he stepped firmly out onto the mossy welcome mat, but fear overtook him and as he began to close his door, he felt defeated again by his condition, when the Bengal tiger jumped out and said,

Tiger: Git in ma belly!

Being the shy recluse that he was, Roadmaster only managed to utter

Roadmaster: uhhhh-

Suddenly, and to the Tiger's dismay, Roadmaster was sniped by his insane neighbor, Joe, who weilded an ample supply of urinal cakes. All those years of careful stalking and janitorial work had finally paid off... Roadmaster was dead, but all is not lost; the Bengal Tiger was forced to scarf down Joe, but he didn't taste good because insane people taste like Ritalin.


[This message has been edited by roadmaster103 (edited February 12, 2003).]

[This message has been edited by roadmaster103 (edited February 12, 2003).]

[IS_ford1342]

(NSP: too bad Janitor Joe got ate. could have made for an interesting face off...)

[Antestarr]

*Innocent NeS the MMORPG Game Player (MGP) sits at his screen, which has now been washed over in red with the words "Game Over" stretching across the top of the screen. Below it are several options, including "respawn," "restart," and "get a life." An announcer voice, as if trying to make a pun, taunts the player.*

Announcer Voice: Seems you tried to dodge one bullet too many!

MGP: Shut up.

*The player, seeing that his text messaging window is still available at the bottom of the redwashed screen. Taking the opportunity, he tries to send a plea out to the world.*

*Suddenly, in the reality of our story, text begins to appear above Roadmaster's head.*

Text: Res me.

Text: Res me.

Text: Res me. Res me. Res me. Res me. Res me. Res me. Res me. Res me. Res me. Res me. Res me. Res me. Res me.

*This goes on until the entire area in front of Roadmaster's house is spammed by the text "Res me."*

*Will our newfound character who may be a hero or a villain or simply a justifiably paranoid individual find a "res?" Find out sometime, assuming this sidetracking ever gets followed up. I'm going back to try and find the mammoth..*

[CookedHaggis]

So Geb is in England, trying to get to London, but slightly hampered by the fact that he thinks London is in Scotland. His poor knowledge of European capitals owing itself to puberty and an incredibly gorgeous geography teacher who had a tendency to drop pens and forget to wear a bra. It was about that time his porn obsession kicked in. But that's another (X rated) story...

Geb: Right, so I'm in England. Umm...right..

Passerby: 'Ere, guv'nor, get out ov the bleedin' way will ya'?!

Geb: Er...

John: Ron, take a butcher's at that jam roll, 'E seems completly Jonathon Ross'd. Or just Elephant trunked.

Ron: Check his barnet fair, I reckon e's a sweaty sock; go over an' 'ave a rabbit and pork and get 'im to Uncle Buck off.

John: 'Ere, china plate, you got the harry lime?

Geb: Wait...incomprehensible accents, bizarre language, being rudely shoved out of the way by random passerbys...this is Scotland, isn't it?

[Tracer]

Gebohq: "Oh no! I'm lost in Scotland! Keep away from me, you filthy tartans!"

*Everybody ignores Geb.*

Policeman: "Excuse me, sir, I couldn't help but overhear your prediciment. I would be most obliged to render navigational aid, if I may."

Gebohq: "I said stay back!"

Policeman: "You see, I always carry a small map for exactly this type of situation."

Gebohq: "No! Get away!"

Policeman: "Now, you'll notice that we are here, on Main Street..."

*Panicking, Geb snatches a set of bagpipes from a listless drunk sitting on a bench.*

Policeman: "...there are many fine hotels in this district..."

Gebohq: "I'm sorry it had to come to this!"

*Geb raises the bagpipes above his head and smashes them down upon the copper, knocking him out.*



[This message has been edited by Tracer (edited February 16, 2003).]

[Tracer]

*Meanwhile, back in London...*

Otter: "That sure was great how we defeated The First False Evil and saved the world."

The Mega Zzt'er: "Yup."

Janitor Bob: "But in winning the epic battle, we became seperated from Gebohq, leaving us without a leader to turn to for guidance..."

Otter: "That's why we got the new robot hero, remember?"

Jump-Bot: "Affirmative."

Otter: "He's more together than Geb ever was, and his brain is composed entirely of magnetic tape."

MaybeChild: "Exactly how will he help us fight crime?"

Otter: "I mean, tape! Isn't that just wild?"

MaybeChild: "So, we have no leader and no long-term plan. Wonderful."

Otter: "I wish my brain was made of magenetic tape. I'd be doing some pretty sweet calculations then."

MaybeChild: "I'm going to go buy lunch. You can't come with me."

*MaybeChild leaves.*

------------------


[This message has been edited by Tracer (edited February 16, 2003).]

[Gebohq]

(NSP: If you all don't mind, I'll wrap it up now that Antestarr has written his well-crafted posts. As I said before, if there's some story-scene or whatever you want in the NeS game, feel free to add it to Alternate Stories (http://forums.massassi.net/html/Forum7/HTML/000354.html). With that said, here's the conclusion of "NeS: A Point & Click Adventure Game," which of course is merely a prologue into our next section http://forums.massassi.net/html/smile.gif)

After having evaded the Scottish police, Gebohq finally made his way to the writers in London, leaving five minutes before the white plot-hole barrier collapses. In having ran from Yemen to England in five minutes, Gebohq had broken the speed of light, thus disproving the Theory of Relativity. Needless to say, there was a lot of commotion in the physics field.

Gebohq approached the writers with the briefcase holding ten million dollars.

Gebohq: HERE! *tosses the writers the briefcase*

Sem the writer: Uh...thanks.

Gebohq: ...Save us already!

Otter the writer: eh?

Gebohq: Write something!

Geb the writer: Uh... hate to break it to you, cherished character of mine, but since we're here, in your realm, we can't do anything.

Gebohq: But you're our only hope! The Floaty-Head Guy is going to unleash his white plot-hole...thing, and end our existence!

Maybe the writer: Dear, it's not going to be the end of your existence.

Gebohq: How can you say that?

Maybe the writer: Because NeS has never been dependant on plot. It has a life of its own!

Gebohq: I don't understand...

Maybe the writer: We writers work with a mere thread within a tapestry known to many as The Never-ending Story. We can only do so much to turn that thread one way or another, but ultimately, NeS decides on how it turns out. So it doesn't really matter what you all as characters within NeS do; if NeS wants to do something, it'll do it. It flushed the plot down the toilet years ago in order to keep you from loosing to Ares back on the first page.

Gebohq: Wow...my life feels utterly pointless.

Man, what a burn!

Geb the writer: Hey now, that's not true! I mean, you've been here since the first page! That means NeS likes you.

TLTE the writer: Yes, depite the many occasions I've tried to write off your character.

Geb the writer: What was that?

TLTE the writer: Wha--? Oh, nothing.

Gebohq: Why would NeS allow such a force like The Fake False Evil to threaten its existence?

Maybe the writer: You forget, story, not plot, drives NeS. After all, there's only 20-some master plots known, yes? As for the presence of TFFE, NeS is having a mid-life crisis, despite the fact that its never-ending. Back when it turned 35, NeS feared being 40, and got very depressed. NeS thought it lost its thrill... so it threatened its own existence, somewhat in vain, in a last dicth effort.

*Everyone was standing in silence at Maybe the writer's words.*

Gebohq: Er...I still don't understand.

Maybe the writer: *sigh* It's NeS. Nobody understands it, but it just works itself out for the better in the end, OK?

Gebohq: Er...OK. But there's still this problem of TFFE controlling you guys, and potentially controlling all of existence instead of ending it.

Tracer the writer: Well, there's this device on ShaperImage.com that can shield us in a dimensional paradox, kinda like Highemperor the writer over there, for...10 million dollars.

Gebohq: You got...a minute and a half. Order now!

*56 seconds later*

Tracer the writer: That was quick. If only the pizza came that fast.

Sem the writer: Apparently, all we got to do is press this button here, and it'll do its work.

Gebohq: Best get going now...good luck!

*The seconds count down as Gebohq runs out into the street.*

Geb the writer: So we have food and stuff to live on, right?

other writers: Uh-oh...
-------------------------------------------
Meanwhile, deep within The Very Last True Evil's Headquarters, as the timer reached zero, the white plot hole barrier dropped. A swarm of white holes swirled around mysteriously, seeking to unleash all possibilities. The swarm, however, grew angry when they could not find a plot anywhere. Norman *snicker*--er--The First False Evil began panicking as the white plot holes turned to him, the one who locked the white plot holes behind a barrier.

TFFE: But there are writers within this realm to feed your hunger! Aren't there...?

Nope. And I'm happy to say, the white plot holes are now devouring The First False Evil whole.

TFFE: AHHHHHHHH!!!!--oh, that tickles. No wait--AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
--------------------------------------------
*The flashback ends within Antestarr's mind, as he sat with his rifle.*

Ante: What will I do now? ....

So ANYWAYS, The First False Evil's plot was foiled. Hurray! Now we return to (most) of our heroes, back at the Hall of Heroes.

Kyle: So bored... oh so bored.

Purevil: Then DO something!

Kyle: Like what?

Purevil: ...right. We're too lazy to think of things to do.

Jump-bot: Clean the update screen, one called "Otter."

Otter: *grumble* Stupid hero-robot...

Just then, Gebohq enters the Hall of Heroes.

Geb: Hey, I'm back.

Otter: Yay!

*TheOtter hugs Gebohq.*

Gebohq: Uh...thanks.

Losien: We thought you were gone for good! Glad you're back.

The Jump-bot, upon seeing Gebohq, scurries off.

Geb: I'll be right back. I think I'm overdue for a stroll down memory lane.

*Gebohq takes a moment to rummage through the attic, and returns with a cardboard box marked "College stuff" on it.*

Geb: I've been meaning to see how I've progressed as a hero since I first started my official training as one back in my college years.

*Gebohq takes a seat on the couch. A number of the heroes gather around, for a lack of better things to do*

Geb: Hmm...*flipping through the yearbook* I forgot how many of you were in the same college as me. I still remember back in my freshmen year...

Meanwhile, as Gebohq remembers his college days as if he were still there today, a murderous plot creeps within the Hall of Heroes....

(NSP: So yeah, I left it open to do either a "NeS: The College Years" substory and/or a Clue-type story within the Hall of Heroes. Either way, I'd appreciate it if the story be kept simple and the posts short and quick (in hopes of more posting in general). Unless you really want to make a big post--I ain't gonna stop you. If nobody else starts up, I'm probably going to post my own little tangent with Geb in college, and let NeS take its course.)

[This message has been edited by Gebohq (edited February 17, 2003).]

[Sarn_Cadrill]

*Geb sprints down the hall, late for class. He turns a corner and runs head on into an incredibly handsome and brilliant young man, carrying a single wirebound notebook and a laptop computer in a carrying case. Geb bounces off the young manand falls to the ground. The young man offers Geb a hand.*

Geb: Hey, thanks... Who are you?

Handsome and Brilliant Young Man: The name's Cadrill. Sarn Cadrill.

Geb: ...How'd you get into my flashback?

Sarn: Don't look at me. Ford invited me. Besides... I've ahh... been here all along.

*Sarn waves his hand mysteriously. Geb stares back blankly.*

Geb: What are you doing?

Sarn Uhh. What?

Geb: That hand wave thingy. What was that?

Sarn: It was a Jedi mi- err. Nothing. Let's just get to class. You've made us late.

*Sarn walks off confidentally, and Geb shrugs his shoulders, then follows.*

------------------
Nail pierced hands. A wounded side.
This is love.
http://24.166.246.143/writings/ Check this out... please.
Teh Jedisaber (http://www.jedisaber.tk)

[Gebohq]

(NSP: Make sure you all check out the update screen *first post on page 29* cuz I updated it. You're not on there yet Sarn cuz you haven't introduced yourself in the "current" NeS timeline. Dunno if you wanted to do that.../shrug/ anywhos--more quick & short posts! Wheeee!)

Outside the flashback, within the Hall of Heroes...

Geb: Sarn...the name sounds familiar...

Sem: Besides from your flashback?

Geb: Yes http://forums.massassi.net/html/tongue.gif

J-Bob: Hey...wasn't Sarn the guy eaten by the Chimi-Changa back on page 19 when I first jumped in?

Lt. Randy: But wait--didn't we see Sarn when we were walking within the FurbyCo. HQ when we were in the future?

Geb: Purevil...

Purevil: I don't have any plotholes, honestly!

*A mystical swirl a.k.a. plot hole falls out of his pocket. Everyone has a good "this joke was so OBVIOUSLY staged" laugh.*

Geb: Now if I remmeber correctly, I was going to Sword-Handling 101...

*Masetto snickers*

Geb: Not THAT kind of sword-handling! As I was saying, I was going to Sword-Handling 101...

[This message has been edited by Gebohq (edited February 18, 2003).]

[IS_ford1342]

back in the flashback, Geb and Sarn have finally arrived at Sword-Handling 101 *snicker*. Hee! Hoo hoo hoo! Ha ha! heh...whoo...im sorry, anyway on with the scene.

Sarn and Geb look around for familiar faces. there are only a few they recognise, including a very young, very attractive MaybeChild. Geb decides that today, he will finally ask her out. His heart racing he walks casually over to the rack of swords she is inspecting.

Geb: *cough*Uh...Hi, there Maybe.

Maybe: Hey! how are you?

Geb: Uhm...i...uh...i'm...uh..fine..i guess. say umm...what are you..uh..you know...like...doing this...um..weekend?

Maybe: Hey...you arent trying to ask me out are you? how cute!

Geb:...uhhh....*using a move that will become increasingly familiar, Geb Gebs it.*

Maybe: What a strange little man.

Meanwhile, off in the corner of the room two graduate students are talking to a rather nerdy-looking SemiEvil.

GS#1: Hey....come on...just try it. you know you want to.

Sem: i dont know. i hear that stuff dissolves your bones.

GS#2: how about this, we'll give you this stuff for free. no strings attatched. and besides, a little coke never hurt anybody...

Sem: Well...they do say that college is the time for experimentation...

GS#1: thats right go ahead*offers the bright red can to him* go ahead, take it.

Sem: *reaches towards the can*

------------------
may the farce be with you.

[Katiana Alyce]

*Two giggling girls pass by Semi Evil and the two graduate students. The larger of the two GS's reches out to knock one of the girls books and sword out of her hands. Before he gets a chance the toe-headed girl grabs his arm and bends it backwards hearing a satisfying ~crunch~ as she does.*

Big Doofy GS : Owwwww!! Oh dear Mother of Pearl why? Oh why?!?

Smaller and dumber GS : Oh man, dude, We gotta get you to the nurses wing..oh man...

*They run off towards the door as the girls take their seats*

Amy : You know, Kat, you really should actually ATTEND those Anger management meetings you signed up for!

Kat : I went to the first one...I mean really, who has time to count to 10 these days?

*Amy shakes her head and smiles at her friend*

Amy: so, are we still on for tonight?

Kat : Wait...What was tonight? The petting barn at the Boa Constrictor museum?

Amy : I thought we were banned from that place?!

Kat : Man, put one 15 pound boa on an infant and you never live it down....

*Kat smiles fondly and thinks of a visit to the petty barn a few months ago*

Amy : Well...it's not like he was INJURED or anything.....just temporarily breathless....Anyways, no, we were going to....go up to my place tonight....rememeber?

Kat : Ohhhhh Right! I remember....

Professor : Okay Students, lets unsheath our blades

*a volley of snickers rolls over the class*

Professor : Right, now, lets not have another beheading like last week...Poor Jeffrey's mother....she took it so hard..Well, on with the class, Lefties on this side of the room, Righties on the other....

(apologies for the shortness...but darnit.. I POSTED....(glares at Geb and Ford))

------------------
Death is my Business, and business is good.

[CookedHaggis]

[NSP: Umm, not that it really matters now or anything, but I should probably have made it clearer in my post that Geb was in fact in London (hence the cockney rhyming slang that I should've really labelled as such), rather than Scotland (he just mistook it for Scotland, owning to his previously mentioned lack of geographic knowledge). The idea was to stop him having to go to Scotland and back in order to find London, but since Geb fixed it anyway, it's not a big deal. So, uh, yeah...]

------------------

[Gettleburger]

*Gettleburger protly falls on top of Geb, not know what is going on but hopefully will soon...lazy git he is*

------------------
&lt;Rob&gt; Sometimes I think the support dudes go and play netgames when they are helping you.

[JediKirby]

A Three Foot tall pink blob in jedi robes opens the door, peaking in, he pushes his glasses up on his face. The professor looks over at the late fluff ball in discust. jEDIkIRBY moves in and shuts the door, he shoves the last of the poptart he got from the vending machine in his mouth. Just then two guys from the back start whispering

Jock¹ Dude, is that kid actually in our class?

Jock² Yeah man, that sucks dude, he's all...pink eheh.

Jock¹ Look at his shirt dude!

jEDIkIRBY's shirt reads 'I'm not fat, I just have a little bit more room for sucking!'

Professor Now jEDIkIRBY, Go take your seat!

jEDIkIRBY nods and sees Gebohq sitting toward the front, waving he starts runing toward Geb, but instead he trips over a rack of swords. jEDIkIRBY starts to blush, getting up he sits next to geb, then takes out his lightsaber, hitting the little red button, his pink blade extends.

jEDIkIRBY (Whispering) Hey man, this is going to be awsome, we're like, totally ganna be the cool kids, we're in college now man, COLLEGE! Who you bunking with? I'm not with anyone yet, but maybe we can hitch up, uh dude?

Gebohqs worst fears had come true, the kid that everyone made fun of in highschool... Was asking him to bunk rooms.

Geb (Whispering) Um... Uh...well...I...

Tune in next time to see if Gebohq will really bunk up with the geeky jEDIkIRBY...

[NSP: Well, After Ford Beat me with a stick to post, I decided. Hopfully I actually end up becomming a main character this time *sobs*]

Some Tense issues

------------------
The Official Epic Website for the E²1 TC (http://www.massassi.org/e21tc/)

[This message has been edited by jEDIkIRBY (edited February 19, 2003).]

[Gebohq]

Gebohq and jEDIkIRBY are on the "righties" side, continuing their conversation.

Gebohq: Uh...I would man, but I umm... commute. Yeah, I commute from home.

Sarn: No you don't. You live in the Damecles dorm on the 3rd floor. Right across the hall I live in actually. And aren't you looking for a roommate?--

Geb: Shut-up....

jEDIkIRBY: You need a roommate? Perfect! I can bunk with you then! Yay!

Geb: Why couldn't I have been accepted into the Hercules dorm...

Proffessor: Alright class. First up: Gebohq and Krig.

Gebohq examines the short Viking man wielding an axe in front of him. The Viking's left eye twitches.

Geb: Uh...teach? This guy's using an axe--

Proffessor: Begin!

The Viking grins.

Geb: *gulp*

[This message has been edited by Gebohq (edited February 19, 2003).]

[Gettleburger]

*Far far away...GettleTheWriter wakes up*
GETW: Hello?
*His voice echoes throughout the empty NeS building*
GETW's echo: Hel-hel-hello-o-o?

GETW: Um hi...
Echo: Um-m-m hi-i-i...

GETW: Stop copying me!
Echo: Ok-k-k-k!

GETW: ...
anyways

*The NeS building seems deserted..there is no one...it seems to have been abandoned for some time*

*Gettle types away fixing the predicament he's been in for the past year*

--------------------------------------------

Gettle: TMTGB, I think we've been in this dump long enough.

TMTGB: BING!

Gettle: I'm going to see whats behind the janitor's closet door that has BOB written on it!

*Jaws music starts up*
bum bum...bum bum...bum bum!
*Gettle opens the door*

Gettle: TMTGB!

TMTGB: BING!

Gettle: It's a plot hole! Here all this time and we didn't know...

TMTGB: BING!

Gettle: You WHAT?!

TMTGB: BING!

Gettle: Well you could've told me you knew sooner so we could get out of this slimy hole..I've looked at all those pornos so many times that they're---

*censored for safety of our viewers, please stand by*

Gettle: Blah blah blah, yak yak...

TMTGB: BING!

Gettle: Oh right, let's go!
*Grabs TMTGB and dashes into the plot hole*

Where have Gettle and TMTGB gone? Will they appear somewhere of relevence? or maybe this? or perhaps I'll get off my butt and actually write it somewhere!

------------------
&lt;Rob&gt; Sometimes I think the support dudes go and play netgames when they are helping you.

[This message has been edited by Gettleburger (edited February 20, 2003).]

[Gebohq]

(NSP: Hmmm...perhaps I should consider changing my preferences from something other than "Show topics posted in the last 2 days" so that I wouldn't have the urge to--)

B.U.M.P.

[i](--so much.

...naaaah. http://forums.massassi.net/html/smile.gif)

[Krig the Viking]

*In the Hall of Heroes, Gebohq is fondly remembering his college days. He is rudely interrupted by Purevil.*

Purevil: "So wait, let me get this straight -- you knew Krig in college?"

Geb: "Well, no, not really. I'm just taking a bit of artistic license, is all."

Purevil: "By artistic license you mean 'introducing characters who were never there, and probably never went to any sort of school at all?'"

Geb: "Hey! I'll have you know that this is hard, all this remembering and thinking! We don't all have photographic memories!"

*Just then Krig runs by, still wearing only his underwear, holding Janitor Bob's mop in his teeth. He is followed by a rather irate custodian, shooting at the Viking with bottles of Windex.*

J-Bob: "Blast you Viking! Give me back my mop! And clean up that mess you made!"

*Gebohq turns the page in his yearbook.*

Geb: "Ah, good times. Let's see, here's me taking 'Looking Heroic 101'... And then here's me in traction after that unfortunate accident in 'Looking Heroic 101'..."

Randy: "You don't look very heroic in these pictures..."

Geb: "Yeah, I flunked that class. The prof hated me. I'm not sure why."

*Initiate ripply flashback effect. The Looking Heroic 101 prof, who looks strikingly like Einstein, is yelling at Geb.*

Professor: "Vat ist zat? Ist zat a donut? Vhy are you eatink a donut in my class?! You cannot look heroick und eat donuts at ze same time! You vill look seelly! Egad! Vot are you thinkink?!"

Geb: "...but I like donuts..."

Will these flashbacks continue? What will Geb do in college? Will he graduate? Or will he fail miserably? Will he finally get back at the 'cool kids' in some elaborate scheme? What about foolish college pranks? Surely there will, at some point, be foolish college pranks! Oy, this just doesn't have the same ring to it as saving the world...

------------------
"Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society." --Mark Twain

[Gebohq]

Gebohq is rudely interrupted from his flashback again by Purevil.

Purevil: Why are you in so many of these yearbook pictures?

Geb: It was a small community...

Purevil: How small?

Geb: I don't know... 20? 20,000? We've already estabished my memory sucks, ok?

Purevil: So does that mean you weren't fighting the Viking?

Geb: Uhhh...

[shade]

Galrek looks over at PureEvil, then gestures to Krig, who, while fleeing bob, tirps over the axe he dropped earlier, rolls across the room and knocks over a plot box. spilling plotholes across the room. when they all finally realize there is no plot left, the plot holes dissappear.
Galrek:"note that krig isn't here at the moment? geb, continue with the flashbacks. if anyone has any objections to his memories, I'll make them real."
Krig pops up again, falling out of a nearby ceiling fan to land flat on his face.
Galrek:"ah, good viking, no grudges about my little detour...right?"
Galrek begins backing away from the angry viking, voping to keep him from figuring out that he's standing next to the Axe.

------------------
In The beginning the universe was created.
this has made a lot of people angry and been widely viewed as a big mistake.

[CookedHaggis]

In the back row of Slacking 101, two hungover looking guys attempt to stay awake.

Lecturer: Don't open the textbooks you shouldn't have bought at page 16.

CookedHaggis: You know man, maybe this slacking deal isn't for me...

Ford: *awaking with a start* **** dirty Apes! Huh?! Wazzit now?

Lecturer: And what are you all even doing here? If you want to pass this class, you really shouldn't even turn up...

CookedHaggis: I don't know...I was thinking about this the other day...the whole slacking thing...maybe it's not for me...

Lecturer: If you've been doing things right, you shouldn't remember what we discussed last week about sleeping until 4pm at the earliest.

Ford: How'd you figure that?

CookedHaggis: Well I attend lectures for a start.

Lecturer: And people; if you have to attend class, I can't stress enough the importance of not taking notes.

Ford: Pffft, so do I. It's not like we listen or anything.

CookedHaggis: I guess...I mean, I like the whole "Get drunk" assignments and stuff, but I can't see myself being a slacker for the rest of my life.

Ford: I can.

Lecturer: And drugs, while not mandatory, are a useful learning aide.

CookedHaggis: I'm just saying I might change my degree.

Ford: What? To Procrastination & Apathetic studies or something? I mean, yeah, it sounds appealing, and I thought about switching, but I just keep putting it off...

Lecturer: And anyone who does turn up for the exam, and isn't found cheating, will of course have disiplinary action taken against them.

CookedHaggis: Well...sorta..

Ford: That was a joke. Putting off procrastination...

CookedHaggis: Oh. Right.

Lecturer: If you find yourself awaking before around 3pm, watch lots of daytime TV. In addition, I expect you all to become familiar with at least a few of the many soap operas and reality tv shows.

Ford: Hey man, at least try and sound a little amused...wait, you were checking out that girl down there, weren't you?

CookedHaggis: No...I was just thinking...

Lecturer: And always have a get rich quick scheme in the back of your mind for when the tuition fees are due.

Ford: What, are you gay or something?

CookedHaggis: About which course I was going to take.

Ford: Oh, right. We're still talking about that.

CookedHaggis: I was thinking maybe waitering.

Ford: Ha! You can't even wait for a pizza!

------------------

[Semievil333]

Meanwhile, in Lurking 151

Prof Gollum: "All right classeses, settle downses. Loud noises hurtses our formses."

Professor Gollum looks around the room and sees only Sem, standing silently but conspicuously in a corner. Gollum sneaks up to him and stares at the dark form towering above him. In addition to his comparatively massive form, Sem is dressed in tech-black, standing against a bright-pink wall.

Prof Gollum: "Wes gots problemses with theses ones precious..."

------------------
The early bird may get the worm-
but it's the second mouse who gets the cheeze.

Omnia quae specto dominavi, et tantam magnus sum, ut non specto!

[IS_ford1342]

Its the beginning of the school year at Nevernding State University. Dean Stockwell is welcoming the students.

Dean Stockwell: Welcome, new and returning students. i'd like to thank you for funding my 9 bedroom home and 6 lambourghinis. and now if everyone would please rise here is the NeSU A Crapella Choir with the Alma Mater

A Crappella Choir: Alma Mater hear us as we praise thy name,
make us unworthy Heroes & Heroines adding to thy shame.

From your halls of cardboard to the high intrest rate
screams ring out with madness for our dear Neverending State.

When all is just a mem'ry of those bygone days
hear our hymn dear Alma Mater, as thy name we praise.

Time will treat you badly years from now
and we'll be ever farther from our dear university.



------------------
may the farce be with you.

[This message has been edited by IS_ford1342 (edited February 24, 2003).]

[AmyGreen13]

Meanwhile, in the...umm...present i guess it is...why must you confuse me so? WHY!?!?

*cough* Ehrm right. so in the present everyone is listening to Gebs reverie. well almost everyone. as geb goes into another tall tale, Amy Green the new heroine, comes down the stairs in nothing but a towel.

Amy: Hey guys! i didnt know there was going to be a party tonight! what'd i miss while i was in the shower?

Male Heroes: *Gawk*

Wuss: Show...er?

Amy: *sigh*
so realy, whats been going on?

Otter: *forgets MaybeChild* um well i was just telling some old war stories. would you like to come up to my room and hear a few?

Amy: *yawns* sorry. war bores me. hey you there.

Amy points to Janitor Bob, who is busy waxing his mop, buffing out the teethmarks Krig left there. He looks extrememly suprised.

J-Bob: Huh?

Amy: *Sighs again* you look pretty smart whats been going on round here? oh and by the way nice mop. http://forums.massassi.net/html/wink.gif

J-Bob: :-D.

Amy: *Sighs again* i guess a girl cant walk around in a towel without everone turning into a bunch of drooling idiots. im going upstairs.

and that she does. mmm mmm mmm what legs...mm...and they go all the way up...*drool* mmm........

------------------
Luv,
Amy

Amy Green; serving the fine citizens of Ft. Huachuca since July 13, 2000.

[Krig the Viking]

Upon Amy's departure, a muffled silence falls over the main room of the Hall of Heroes. Maybechild and Losien roll their eyes extensively.

Lt. Randy: "So, um, who was that again?"

Geb: "Weren't you paying attention to my story? That was Amy!"

Lt. Randy: "But um... What's she doing here?"

Geb: "I think that should be obvious!"

*Lt. Randy stares at Gebohq blankly.*

*Geb stares at Lt. Randy blankly.*

*Purevil stares at Gebohq evilly.*

*Otter nonchalantly strolls toward the stairs where Amy exited.*

*Krig cartwheels around the room in his underpants.*

Purevil: "So she's here to wreak havoc on the world and destroy us all, and in the process enslave all of rabbitkind?"

Geb: "What? No!"

Purevil: "Oh. Curse my evilness! I can never properly guess what you good guys are up to..."

Lt. Randy: "Rabbitkind? Why rabbits?"

Purevil: "Did I say rabbits? I meant dingoes! Not rabbits! Hahaha! Who would want to enslave rabbits?"

*The others stare at Purevil blankly.*

Purevil: "Whew, they didn't catch on to my obvious slip of the tongue! Man, I'm good at this!"

*The others stare at Purevil blankly. Krig blinks. TheOtter tumbles back down the
stairs with a black eye.*

Purevil: "Um... I said that out loud, didn't I?"

What is Purevil's master rabbit plan? Is it evil? Why does it involve rabbits? Why is Krig still in his underpants? How do Maybechild and Losien feel about the new competition? The answers to some of these questions and possibly others, next time on the Never-ending Story: Where being an All-Seeing Narrator Is Not Nearly As Cool As It Would Seem!

------------------
"Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society." --Mark Twain

[Antestarr]

*A glint of metal in the distance caught Ante's attention, pulling him back from his mindless daydream and into his mission in the tower. Taking aim with his rifle, he pulled the trigger, sending a single shell into the single weak spot in the hull of an alien battle-cruiser. The bullet embedded itself firmly in a critical power converter, causing an instantaneous powerdown and overheat, frying all the critical systems and reducing the cruiser to scrap. The incident would be reported as "another darn Concorde mishap."

Having single-handedly saved the NeS from yet another world-domination plot at the hands of ultra-powerful beings which would eventually have been settled by some act of sheer dumb luck, Ante returned to his reminiscence. This time, however, going farther back, to a time before the story began. A time of ideals, rebellion, and experimentation. A time of college.*

------------------------

*Sitting in the middle of his fencing class, Ante was in full 80's rebel regalia, complete with sunglasses, unwashed hair, denim jacket and jeans, black t-shirt, fingerless gloves, and combat boots. Hearing his name called, Ante rose and carried his foil to the staging area, where he met with his opponent, who was actually wearing fencing gear.*

Professor: Antestarr, you do realize that fencing is dangerous without proper equipment. Although in the field I highly doubt the opponent will give you time to don some armor. 5 extra credit points.

Fencing Partner *chuckling*: So, freak, what's with the hair?

Antestarr *gritting his teeth*: I'm growing it out for "menacing" purposes.

Professor: Students... BEGIN!

*As Ante's opponent began to approach, Ante pulled a pistol out of his jacket and fires a round into the other student's knee. Screaming and clutching the bloody knee, the student fell to the ground.*

Professor: ANTESTARR!! What was that?!

Ante: I figured, if we're supposed to use this stuff in battle, we may as well go all out. What's the point of fighting with swords when you can cripple your opponent from the get-go?

Professor: But what about a fair fight? A test of skill? HEROISM?!

Ante: I don't subscribe to this school's idea of heroism. In fact, the only reason I'm here is because my father bought my way in.... I figure I'll pass no matter what I do. So, I'm gonna find my own methods of heroism, thankyouverymuch.

With that, Antestarr left the classroom as medics rushed in to tend to the wounded student. Stepping into the hall, his vision fell upon two young women chatting and giggling. One kept referring to something at "her place." The other, however, caught his eye. She had an almost feline quality to her.*

Ante *thinking to himself*: Hmm... I need to find out more about these two... but I suppose I should first step out of this puddle of drool that seems to have accumulated at my feet...

------------------
"If a whip wielding ******* in a leather skirt started talking to me while waving a bleeding human heart around I'd stop screwing around, too. 'Oh, I can see by the bloody organ in your hand that you are indeed a tough hombre. I'll show you the way.'"

-Shamelessly stolen and somewhat edited from Sharkey's review of Castlevania II: Simon's Quest-

~Antestarr

[Gebohq]

Meanwhile, within the Hall of Heroes, Gebohq continues recounting his memories of his college times, skipping down memory lane with a child-like glee. Most everyone else had grown bored though, and went off to do their own things within the Hall of Heroes. Only Krig was nearby, still doing the occasional cartwheel in his underwear.

Suddenly--

Losien: *from down a hallway unseen* AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

Startled, and worried about his sister's scream, Gebohq shoots up and runs towards the source, Krig cartwheeling behind.

When he arrives, he finds Losien looking terrified at something inside the closet in front of her. Janitor Bob is next to her, his expression grim. Purevil, Ford, and a few others are also standing nearby, having arrived at the scene like Gebohq, with the other heroes continuing to congregate.

Geb: What is it, Los?

Losien: It's Galvatron!

To most everyone's surprise, Galvatron sits bound by rope and gagged. Ford whistles innocently.

J-Bob: What I found most odd is that Galvatron seems to have been bound and gagged recently.

Ford: What? Really?

J-Bob: Yes. Not only that, but his main CPU chip from his head is missing.

Maybe: Looks like we all should start searching for Galv's CPU chip then.

Geb: But I like skipping down memory lane! Just call me if you need me or something: I have more flashbacks to remember still.

Maybe: Fine, whatever. For those of you actually interested in doing something useful, meet up with me and we'll form a search party.

Kyle: But this place is HUGE! And with lots of spooky and creepy rooms to look in, like Geb's *shudders*

MZZT: A mystery to solve, wheee!

Off in the dark corners, the Jump-Bot glares at Gebohq with electronic eyes of revenge, remembering the days back when it first met Gebohq in Sword-Handling 101...

Oooooh, a Clue-like mystery! Is the Jump-Bot behind the current events, or is it another? Perhaps Purevil and his obsession with bunny rabbits? Ah, I love asking the questions and not having to give the answers...

[CookedHaggis]

<font face="Verdana, Arial" size="2">Ante was in full 80's rebel regalia, complete with sunglasses, unwashed hair, denim jacket and jeans, black t-shirt, fingerless gloves, and combat boots</font>

This had better lead to a Breakfast Club parody...

------------------

[CookedHaggis]

[NSP: Meh. If this all means nothing to you then go watch a clever and funny, if heavy handedly preachy, film by John Hughes]

Back in the 80's at Nevernding State University...

Dean Stockwell: Gotcha!

Ante: Huh? **** that hypnotic, drool inducing woman!

Dean Stockwell: Right Mr. Starr, I've got you at last. Dentention! Right now!

Ante: What? You can't give me detention, this is University...and it's not even the end of the day!

Dean Stockwell: You're not fooling anyone Starr. Come on and join your fellow degenerates.

Ante: Eat my shorts.

Dean Stockwell: What was that?

Ante: Eat. My. Shorts!

Dean Stockwell: You just bought yourself another detention!

Ante: Ooh I'm crushed.

Dean Stockwell: You just bought one more tough guy.

Ante: Well I'm free the day after that. Beyond then, I'm going to have to check my calendar.

Dean Stockwell: Good, cause it's going to be filled. We'll keep going. You want another one? Just say the word, say it! Instead of going to prison you'll come here. Are you through?

Ante: No! And I'll...

Dean Stockwell: In here!

He shoves Ante through a door, into an empty library. A few other student are sitting there, looking glum and more than a little embarrassed at having to do detention at University.

Dean Stockwell: Sit!

Ante walks over to where jEDIkIRBY is sitting, stares at him, then jerks his thumb over his shoulder. kIRBY gathers his stuff and scuttles over to another seat, head bowed

Dean Stockwell: It's now 12:03. You have precisely a few posts to think about what you've done...

Losien: Uh...sir? I think there's been some kind of a mistake...I mean, I didn't do anything...

The Dean ignores her and continues talking

Dean: To ponder the error of your ways...

Ante spits in the air and catches it in his mouth again. He gathers looks of disgust from the other students

[NSP: Yeah, I got nothin'.]

------------------

[KyleKatarn7]

Slowly but carefully retreating from the group of heroes around Galvatron, KyleKatarn7 fingers the broken shards of his datapad, now kept in his pockets. Searching back through the shroud of time, he begins to reminisce about good ol' days, days of non-stop parties, alcohol, and women. Days when being a nerd had payoffs...

* Cue ripply flashback sequence *

Dressed in a classic nerd get-up (white formal shirt, pocket protector, slacks, glasses with tape around the middle), KyleKatarn7 strolls into the detention room as if he owns the place. Blatantly ignoring Ante's Glare of Menace™, he slumps down in the chair next to him. Following him in is Professor Hynegin, the resident computer teacher.

Hynegin: "Oh God, I need an aspirin and a strong antacid....Dean Stockwell! There you are. I caught this...this...this rapsacallion hacking into our mainframe and loading an infinite pop-up virus. For every pop-up we close, another three take its place. It's like a bad B-movie! They just keep coming and coming and...whoo boy, there goes my ulcer..."

Stockwell: "Well well well, it looks like today isn't your day, young KyleKatarn7."

Kyle:

Stockwell: "You may think you're all that and a bag of chips, but I'll have you know, I'm down with yo' hommies, and nothin' gets past me, got that G-Dawg?"

Kyle: "...."

[i] With that highly anti-climatic conversation ended, Kyle takes out his shiny new datapad, and begins typing away.

Sighing with the weight of many years, KyleKatarn7 begins to search for Galvatron's chip, but with no real motivation. His mind on the past, Kyle is far too pre-occupied to pay any real attention to the present. Ohhh, what the heck, let's throw in a prat-fall or two. Searching with glazed eyes, he notices one step too late that he has walked onto the basement staircase. Hanging for a second or two as his mind grapples with the situation, he finally begins his long...painful...descent into the depths of NeS. Finally fetching up against a stack of boxes, Kyle groans painfully, and sits up.

Kyle: "Ohhhhh, my head..." *looks at slowly teetering tower of boxes* "Ohhhhhh &^#$."

With a final, ironic push from a gust of wind created by the flapping of a butterfly's wings in Brazil's rainforest, the tower of boxes fall with a resounding crash on Kyle.

Kyle: "*groans*... Hey, what's this? Another scrapbook? Hey look, there's Galvatron in his Apple IIGS stage!"

Do we finally get to find out more about the mysterious character known as Galvatron? Why was Kyle fingering the broken shards of his datapad as he walked away? Is he perhaps involved in Galvatron's deactivation? Will College Ante beat up College Kyle? Find out next time on the Never-Ending Story: The College Years!

------------------
"What sane person could live in this world, and *not* be crazy?"

Massassi Dating Forum Activist

[Janitor Bob]

*In a valiant effort to take advantage of a technicality and literal language, Janitor Bob the Writer posts for NES*

------------------
"Your entire base belongs to us."

"It would be highly appreciated if someone would set the bomb up for us"

[Janitor Bob]

*In a valiant effort to take advantage of a technicality and literal language, Janitor Bob the Writer posts for NES*

------------------
"Your entire base belongs to us."

"It would be highly appreciated if someone would set the bomb up for us"

[Antestarr]

*In a valiant effort to take advantage of a technicality and literal language, Janitor Bob the Writer double posts for NES*

[Gebohq]

Gebohq, student of Never-ending State University, lies on the floor of the SwordHandling 101, his Viking opponent clearly the victor.

Krig: Funny-hair man need skills.

Geb: I have skills...

Prof: Time's up! I'll see you all next class.

The students shuffle out the classroom. Gebohq straightens himself out, while Sarn and jEDIkIRBY walk up to him.

j-kirby: Hey, I thought you did pretty good!

Geb: Er...thanks.

Sarn: Hey Geb, did you hear about the National University Hero Competition coming up? I was thinking of signing up for it. It'll look good on my record.

Geb: Hmmm... if I enter, and win, that would make me a big-time hero, right?

Sarn: Well, sure, I suppose.

Geb: Where do I sign up?

Sarn: They're a sign-up at the admissions building, but you should know what it involves...

Geb: Yeah yeah, whatever. I can take anything they dish out.

Sarn: Uhh...

Just then, Galvatron (in all his Apple IIGS beauty) and his buddy Jump-bot approach Gebohq, Sarn and jEDIkIRBY...

Meanwhile, back in the Hall of Heroes, Gettle's plothole trip from The Arena results in him becoming one with his other self, thus conviniently solving the problem of two Gettles. Goes to show that two plotholes CAN equal a plot. Or at least pretend to.

Gettle: ******, I didn't want to be HERE!

Maybe: Hey, didn't I tell you to go search Geb's room for Galv's missing CPU part?

Gettle: Urrrrrgh...

Oooooh, a school competition to test the worth of a hero. Will Gebohq find his dreams of being just like Captain Kirk come true, or will he only find more humiliation? Whom else will join this competition, and what exactly does it involve? We'll cover that in the next class of Posting 362, right here at Never-ending State University!

[Katiana Alyce]

*After class Kat and Amy head towards the doors, Amy eagarly anticipatring what awaited them at her place, but Kat had other ideas*

Kat: This way.

Amy: Wait, but, thats not the way home...

Kat: I know, but...theres something I have to see about.

*The two girls walk faster down a winding hallway, one obviously miffed, and one with a look of pure...uh...pure...determination...yeah thats it...pure determination on her face they stop just outside the detention hall door*

Amy: Woah...what are you doing? We arent following that Antestarr kid are we? He's bad--

Kat: SHHH! Look, you dont have to go with me, all you have to do is scream.

Amy: Scream?

Kat: Scream.

Amy: But, I dont---AAAAAAHHHHHHHH

*Amy lets out a blood-curdling scream as Kat swings her sword at Amy's head, Amy ducks and the sword clangs against the wall. The desired effect occurrs and Dean Stockwell and Professor Hynegin run out the door. Kat pulls Amy to one side and they sneak past the authorities into the detention room.*

Kat: Understand now?

Amy: But. You. Tried. Sword. My. Head. Wall. AA----

*Kat clamps her hand over Amy's mouth*


Kat: I only needed you to scream once.

*Kat looks at Ante, smiles and saunters over to him still tightly hanging onto Amy's mouth*

Kat: Hi.

Amy: &lt;muffled&gt;&gt; hrrg

Ante: Hey.

.........

*oooooooooo the thrilling conclusion next time on the "Neverending Story Club" Like "The Breakfast Club" but better and chock full of more vitamins and minerals!!Essential in your everyday diet!!*

------------------
Death is my Business, and business is good.

[Semievil333]

Practicing his lurking in the halls, Sem accidentally bumps into a cart piled high with pages of some sort of unending online story.

Sem: "What's this....?"

------------------
The early bird may get the worm-
but it's the second mouse who gets the cheeze.

Omnia quae specto dominavi, et tantam magnus sum, ut non specto!

[The Last True Evil]

Voice: I'll take that!

*Sem backs up rapidly as a tall, thin yet imposing man clad in jet black and with clip-on black sunglasses grasps the cart. It is none other than the mysterious Dr. Ogavihz, professor and lecturer of Advanced Spying Techniques 101.*

Ogavihz: You don't want to read this! One glimpse, and you will die in seven days...

Sem: Oh come on, The Ring doesn't even come out for a decade!

Ogavihz: A valid point. Actually, these are actual spy documents I used as reference material in last week's exams. The lineage behind this is no less, though...

Sem: Go on.

*The two begin ambling down the corridor, but as Ogavihz relates the tale, Semievil is suddenly aware that the pile is ever so slowly enlarging. After carefully scrutinising it for a moment, he realises that after about a minute, a new page is added on from out of nowhere consecutively.*

Ogavihz: Well, I checked in with my buddies at the KGB, but they cannot pin down its creation to any certain publisher. Records all around the world cannot confirm its whereabouts. Some say that a far-away wiseman in Tibet blessed a holy ream of blank paper and scanned it into his computer for kicks, and this story, this...never ending story...is the result. Others believe it was the result of the marriage of a very unfriendly pagan ritual and a drunken cadre of print specialists. Still others say a young, pure child of noble blood was chosen. Chosen to be the priveleged Writer. He wrote a story, a beautiful story of creation and life. The story was so long, however, that he died before finishing it, and allegedly writes it still today from beyond the grave. When he finishes it, these people maintain, the key to paradise will be ours at last.

*He pauses, his lecture-tone voice finally dropping, as the two of them stare thoughtfully at it.*

Ogavihz: But I believe...I believe that these pages have never been defiled by common pen or pencil. No mortal scrawl has dessicated this wondrous tome.

Sem: You don't mean...The Immaculate Conception?

Ogavihz: Da. Somewhere in these blessed pages lies the answer to the mystery of creation. The Never-Ending Story, or NeS as I like to call it, was borne in and of itself, and will one day finish itself. And when that happens...

*A bell suddenly rings. Semievil and Dr. Ogavihz are suddenly snapped out of their pondering.*

Semievil: Gee, I've really got some serious lurking to do before lunch.

Ogavihz: And I've got a workshop. I believe it's "Beautiful Women: Which Are Spy-Lovers and Which Sleep With Guns Under Their Pillows?"

*They exchange farewells and part. Dr. Ogavihz's watch suddenly goes off, beeping petulantly at him.*

Ogavihz: Borscht! I've got to lock this up, but I'm going to be late...

*Fortunately, he recognises a student from his class, calling him by his code name.*

Ogavihz: Orange Putsch! Come over here....

Orange Putsch: Da?

Ogavihz: Drop this cart off in the Staffroom Vault before lunch, OK?

*"Orange Putsch", a younger, inexperienced but just as devious TLTE, grins.*

TLTE: You can always trust a spy-in-training....

------------------
You can run, you can hide, but you can't fight.

[This message has been edited by The Last True Evil (edited March 06, 2003).]

[Gebohq]

(NSP: The last couple posts make me wonder what exactly NeS is. It's a guy on page 21, a mystical tome here... Ah well, anywhos, a little something.)

Elsewhere in NeSU, Gebohq bumps into Galvatron and the Jump-bot.

!B.U.M.P.!

Geb: Ow, bumping into a robot hurts...

Galv: I hear you're entering in the upcoming competition. I hope you like being decompiled! I'm one of NeSU's top students here, and I plan to win the competition!

Jump-bot: Affirmative. Resistance is futile.

Geb: Uh-huh. Move over, tin can.

*Gebohq tries pushing aside Galvatron, but Galv does not budge. Gebohq tries again, with no luck. He then pushes with all his strength to make Galvatron move, but fails. Gebohq then kicks Galvatron in the shin, and walks away, quietly complaining about how his foot hurts.*

[This message has been edited by Gebohq (edited March 07, 2003).]

[Katiana Alyce]

Galvatron: Halt!

Geb: Huh?

Galv: Puny Earthling--

Geb: What?! You were MADE on earth....

Galv:....Yes...But....you see....DESTROY DESTROY....

Geb: Whoa....

*Geb high-tails it out of there suddenly learning why one doesnt correct an angry bucket of bolts when it is confronting you....especially after you kick it*

------------------
Death is my Business, and business is good.

[Tracer]

Dean Stockwell: "Any questions?"

Ante: "Yeah, I've got a question. Does Krig know that you raid his wardrobe?"

*However, before the dean can lay down another anarchy-busting detention, an unintelligable scream is heard from the library's second story. Everybody looks up in time to see theOtter come crashing down to the floor, breaking the table everyone is seated around. Unfazed by the drop, Otter jumps to his feet, gripping a can of beer in each hand.*

Otter: "Boo-yeah! Frosh week!"

Dean Stockwell: "What in the holy hell do you think you're doing?!"

Otter: "Par-tay, my man! Wooowee!"

Losien: "Actually, spring break isn't for two months yet."

Otter: (blinks)"You mean it isn't March sixteenth?"

JediKirby: "No, it's January ninth."

Otter: "Oh."

Dean Stockwell: "And you'll have until March sixteenth to re-check your calculations. Take a seat, young man, and say hello to your fellow miscreants; they'll be the only human contact you're going to get until your detentions run out."

*The dean places a firm hand on Otter's shoulder and steers him into a seat, disconnecting his beer hat in the process.*

Otter: "...but this is university. There aren't any detentions..."

Dean Stockwell: "That will be quite enough, you young punk. Now shut your yapper and prepare to write; I want a ten-thousand word essay on who you are from the lot of you, due before three-thirty today."

*The Dean moves in on Antestarr, who is making a point of not doing anything.*

Dean Stockwell: "What's the matter, Starr? Drop your pencil?"

Ante: "My school supplies were on the table when everything got crushed."

Dean Stockwell: "Then I suggest you attempt to fashon some sort of writing utensil out of the materials at hand - otherwise, you're going to be here for a very. Long. Time."

Ante: "Some of that stuff was expensive. I'll be reimbursed by the faculty for destroyed items, right?"

Dean Stockwell: "You'd better get reimbursing me an essay, buddy-boy, or your Satanic rear end will wind up in the grinder!"

Ante: "Pardon?"

Dean Stockwell: "Don't you get wise with me!"

Ante: "Um...alright..."

Dean Stockwell: "Good."

*A long silence ensues. Dean Stockwell begins patrolling the library, while the detainees, save for Antestarr, scratch out their essays. Ante takes stock of the situation, pondering on ways to escape.*

Ante: "Maybe a grappling hook thrown at just the right angle..."

Otter: "Don't worry, man. I've got it covered."

Ante: "Is that so? I don't recall seeing you in heroics class."

Otter: "I'm majoring in idiot savantism. It's a sub-branch of the main heroics stream."

*Ante stares disbelievingly at Otter.*

Otter: "No, really, watch."

Dean Stockwell : (from a distance) "Those words I'm hearing had better be coming from essays!"

Otter: (pointing behind the dean) "Look Dean, a robot."

Dean Stockwell: "Good Lord! Not the robots!"

*Dean Stockwell leaps behind the circulation desk, while everybody else kind of stands around looking at stuff. After several minutes of waiting for the dean to show himself, Ante takes charge.*

Ante: "Huh. I guess we can just leave, then. (to Otter) That was good. Thanks."

Otter: "No problem, my man, no problem. (tips his beer hat) See you frosh week."

*Otter exits, and one by one the other students to the same. Ante pauses, taking in his surroundings, feeling a small amount of camraderie at the site of his first victory. He turns to leave, catches himself and walks over to the demolished table. Fishing a pen out of the rubble, he scribbles a note for the dean.*


<font face="Verdana, Arial" size="2">Dear Dean Stockwell,

I can't say that I accept the fact that I had to waste my time in detention.
I'm still having trouble understanding how you can dish them out to university students. There is some consolation though, as I am
beginning to understand the meaning of heroism and the value of teamwork - all the guns in the world wouldn't
have done as much as one idiot savant towards getting out of the library. As for who I am, well, it should be obvious: I am a hero.

Sincerely yours, Antestarr
</font>


[This message has been edited by Tracer (edited March 08, 2003).]

[This message has been edited by Tracer (edited March 08, 2003).]

[This message has been edited by Tracer (edited March 08, 2003).]

[This message has been edited by Tracer (edited March 12, 2003).]

[JediKirby]

JediKirby raises his hand

JediKirby Dean sir... I have to go potty...

Dead Hurry up you imbisul...I don't have time for your potty breaks...

JediKirby brings his essay along with him, setting it on a cart, he pushes the thick and heavy stack of pages forward along the hallway. The bathroom being just up the corner. But just then, comming around the corner, was TLTE, pushing a cart in JediKirby's general direction. JediKirby didn't have time to react, and the carts slammed into eachother, spilling the contents of the two carts on oposing sides of the hallway. After regaining conciesness, the two quickly pick up the papers, and exchange sorry's.

JediKirby (To Self) I thought he was going to beat me up...

What JediKirby didn't notice was that the papers in his cart seemed to slowly grow over time, in fact, with every word I type, more was writen on the pages. JediKirby had no clue that he held the fate of the world...(Or at least this story)

NSP: Well, I probably did something TLTE will e-mail me with horrible and painful swears and violent acts upon my life.

------------------
The Official Epic Website for the E²1 TC (http://www.massassi.org/e21tc/)

[This message has been edited by jEDIkIRBY (edited March 09, 2003).]

[CookedHaggis]

At the back of Introduction to Doodling, Timewasting and Not Paying Attention, one hungover looking person and someone who is looking slightly less hungover are doodling, timewasting and not paying attention

Lecturer: Personally, I like drawing random squiggles in the margin of my papers, but many people prefer boxes - adding a pseudo 3rd dimension is optional - and this is perfectly acceptable.

CookedHaggis: You know man, I really think this slacking deal just isn't for me...

Ford: *awaking with a start* YOU MANIACS! YOU BLEW IT UP! **** YOU! GOD **** YOU ALL TO HELL!! Huh? Wazzit?

CookedHaggis: I was just think...wait, do you always dream about Planet of the Apes in lectures? Everytime you wake up you quote it...

Ford: What's "Planet of the Apes"?

Lecturer: Also, playing with your pen is an essential timewasting skill, as is paper airplane making, but that one is more obvious, and prone to getting spotted.

CookedHaggis: You really don't know what Planet of the Apes is?

Lecturer: You! In the back row! What did I just say?

Ford: Uh...I dunno...

Lecturer: Good. Anyway, as I was saying, if you're going to sleep in lectures, try and make sure someone is sitting in front of you, to block the lecturer's view.

CookedHaggis: You know how the other day I was saying I was thinking of switching courses?

Ford: No.

CookedHaggis: Ummm..I think it was Tuesday. Or Wednesday. You were really hungover.

Ford: Gee, that really narrows it down...

Lecturer: Remember, lying in bed is a perfectly good way to waste time. Comfortable too.

CookedHaggis: I was pretty hungover too.

Ford: Well that's pretty much how you've been all semester. Apart from the last couple of days. What's with that?

CookedHaggis: It's to do with changing courses...

Ford: Wait...didn't you say something about working at McDonald's or something? I didn't even know they had a McDonald's course here...

CookedHaggis: *sigh* Waitering...

Ford: I wouldn't call it that. I mean, it's just handing stuff over a counter and asking if they want fries with that...

Lecturer: And if you guys are doing things right, you shoudldn't be paying attention. Which means I can say and do whatever I want. I could even moon you and you wouldn't notice.

The lecturer moons the class

Student: Gross!

Lecturer: You! Get out of my class! If you're going to pay attention there's really no point in you being here!

CookedHaggis: No, it's waitering that I wanted to change to...

Ford: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

CookedHaggis: It's not that funny.

Ford: Yeah, I know. It's just I've got Evil Laughter 101 next and figured I could do with some practice...

CookedHaggis: Oh. In that case I'd start with more of a "muwahaha", rather than a straight "haha". It's more maniacal.

Ford: Ah, yeah, I see. Good tip.

CookedHaggis: Yeah...so...my career choice...what do you think?

Ford: Well I'm not going to stop you throwing your life away man. Just don't expect me to wake you up for lectures. And if you think you're going to shy away from the 7 night a week party plan you've got another thing coming...

------------------


[This message has been edited by CookedHaggis (edited March 10, 2003).]

[Gebohq]

(NSP: If you could Tracer, change the "code" tag in your last post to a "quote" tag, as the code tag makes it hard to read, as well as adds the annoying side-scroll on this page. I'd be much appreciative http://forums.massassi.net/html/smile.gif With that, I post again. Sarn better post soon, darn it! The rest of you too...but definately Sarn!)

Within the Admissions building at NeSU, Gebohq and Sarn approach the sign up sheets. Wait--sheets?

Geb: Why are there so many sheets here?

Sarn: *signing a sheet* What? A lot of people want to prove themselves too, you know.

Geb: I meant why are there sheets labeled "Villians" and "Other"?

Sarn: You think this school only teaches for those to become heroes?

Geb: Well, yeah... I mean, why would you want to teach someone to become a villian?

Sarn: Geb, Geb, Geb...

Geb: Sarn, Sarn, Sarn...

Sarn: You're so naive. You wouldn't have much of a future you know if you didn't have someone to fight against. And besides, there's some people who actually don't want to be heroes!

Geb: *gasp* You're not serious, are you? Can't we all be heroes, like by retrieving kittens from trees? Helping an old lady across the street? Helping a young lady find the right lingere...

Sarn: Oh dear... I'm thinking you really shouldn't enter this competition.

Geb: *signing sheet marked "Heroes"* Why?

Sarn: Well, you'll have to pass the trials first, full of deadly traps and monsters that want to eat you, in order to even be considered in the compeition. Then, if you manage to be picked, you have to face the villians and other competitors who are out for nothing less than your slow, gruesome death!

Geb: But... isn't that against some school, er... safety code?

Sarn: Um... nope. None that I can think of.

*Gebohq stands wide-eyed, frozen in fear*

Sarn: Well, I'll see you back at the dorm then! Dinner at seven? I still got some studying to do before the trials tomorrow...

*Sarn walks off, leaving Gebohq standing there.*

Will Gebohq pass the trials? What will he have to face? Who else will be competing? What of these mysterious, ever-growing pages known as NeS? What exactly DOES the Jump-bot have against Gebohq? You better find out, cuz there's a quiz on it tommorrow in Evil Cliffhangers 333, here at Never-ending State University!

[This message has been edited by Gebohq (edited March 11, 2003).]

[Highemperor]

I'd like to promote a story on my website. Come check it out!

The High Citadel (http://pub26.ezboard.com/bhighcitadel)

Scroll down to the Crossover Central section and click on the Crossover Forum. It's the Ultimate Crossover thread.

------------------
Quest on epic adventures or duel at the High Citadel (http://pub26.ezboard.com/bhighcitadel)!

[Gebohq]

(NSP: I'd just like to say that I fully support this interactive story Highemperor is hoping to launch, and I think it'll be fun stuff. I hope you all at least take a look at it, and perhaps even help out. http://forums.massassi.net/html/smile.gif)

[Tracer]

(NSP: There. Now post something, you miscreant.)

------------------
I am floppy.

[Dormouse]

(NSP: Aiight i give up already ! Someone please write me into the story so i will have some sort of basis on where to start.. need something to do while i'm bored out of my mind over the rest of spring break..)

[Tracer]

*Deep in the bowels of the Never-ending University, an eccentric scientist is putting on some sort of chemical demonstration for a class. *

Dr. Dormouse: "...now, we just mix the precipitate with the solution, and voila."

*The beaker catches fire.*

Dr. Dormouse: "You there! You're doing it all wrong!"

*The student gives no response, because he doesn't exist. In fact, the entire class is nothing more than a figment of Dr. Dormouse's deranged brain.*

Dr. Dormouse: "No, like this, like this!"

*Dormouse randomly pours chemicals into various beakers which all melt and explode, in that order.*

Dr. Dormouse: "No! That's wrong! I told you not to do it that way!"

*Enraged, Dormouse hurles a bunson burner at the student, which in reality is a mop. The old bunsen strikes the mop with a light clank, causing it to collapse.*

Dr. Dormouse: "Oh dear. Billy?"

*Dormouse rushes over to the fallen mop.*

Dr. Dormouse: "Billy, wake up."

*No response from the mop.*

Dr. Dormouse: (checks the mop's pulse) "For the love of God, Billy, wake up!"

*Dr. Dormouse frantically administers CPR to the mop, but it's all to no avail, because mops are mops and not people. After much spent effort, the Doctor abandons the fruitless task.*

Dr. Dormouse: "What have I done? Oh Lord, What have I done?!"

*Like a good scientist, Dormouse allows his logical faculties to take charge of the situation.*

Dr. Dormouse: "There is one solution. I've got to extract a sample of his DNA and clone him. It's the only way I can repair the damage and set things right." (to the mop) "Can you hear me Billy? It's going to be all okay!"

*Dormouse gets to work with his cloning machine. Presently, there is a knock at the door.*

Dr. Dormouse: "Not now, I'm busy!"

*The door opens anyway.*

Dean Stockwell: "So, this is where you've been hiding."

Dr. Dormouse: "Hiding? Nonsense! I've been educating and working on important experiments."

Dean Stockwell: "I'm sure you have, but nevertheless, now that I've finally tracked you down, I am officially informing you of your termination from employment."

Dr. Dormouse: "Termination? But you can't fire me - my quantum origin theory is nearly complete! Once I finish the calculations, I will have created a mathematical description for the universe we exist in."

Dean Stockwell: "Like that's useful. Now, if you were building lasers or missiles that could be used against the robots, maybe we could talk, but this - I'm not paying you for this. In any case, you have twenty-four hours to pack your belongings and vacate the campus. That is, if you actually own any of this stuff."

*The Dean makes to leave, but stops himself as he notices the broom.*

Dean Stockwell: "And I'm sure our janitor would appreciate the safe return of his broom, thank you very much."

*Dean Stockwell snatches the broom and exits.*

Dr. Dormouse: "You don't understand! I have to revive him!"

*Dormouse listens to the Dean's footsteps receeding down the hall.*

Dr. Dormouse: "**** you, Stockwell! **** you straight to hell!"

*As if to emphasize his point, Dormouse launches another beaker at the door.*

------------------
I am floppy.

[This message has been edited by Tracer (edited March 14, 2003).]

[This message has been edited by Tracer (edited March 14, 2003).]

[This message has been edited by Tracer (edited March 14, 2003).]

[This message has been edited by Tracer (edited March 14, 2003).]

[Dormouse]

(NSP: Mm, should i be frightened now ? o_O But no, i think i need to sit back and watch a little bit longer before i can get into the groove here, feel free to play around with my character or summat please)

[JediKirby]

(NSP: I need a reason to post...)

B.U.M.P.

------------------
The Official Epic Website for the E²1 TC (http://www.massassi.org/e21tc/)

[Gebohq]

After the ordeal with Dean Stockwell, the young and eccentric Dr. Dormouse steps out of his classroom.

Dor: He can't fire me! If he feels my usual performance is inadequate, I'll just have to personally tutor a student to be the best hero this school has to offer! But who? Hmm...

Just then, Gebohq walks by, still heavily contimplating about the mess he's gotten himself into.

Dor: Ah-ha! You there!

Geb: Huh?

Dor: You look like you could use some help in becoming a hero, quick.

Geb: Yeah, but--

Dor: This way! What was your name again?

Geb: Gebohq, but the competition--

Dor: Ahhhh, the competition! That'll be perfect! We'll have to move double-time!

Geb: Uh...

Will the alleged Dr. Dormouse train Gebohq for the upcoming trials for the competition, or will Gebohq find a more sensible teacher? Come back tomorrow, and I might tell you.

(NSP: Go read page 40 and 41, Dor. That'll be enough to get what you need. Lazy git--I mean... http://forums.massassi.net/html/smile.gif)

[Krig the Viking]

*The top of Big Ben. Wind gusts about the lofty spire, and pigeons flutter about with gusto. From the shadows, a short and hairy figure emerges, clutching half of a broken mop in his mouth. Yes, it's Krig the Viking, fleeing the indignant wrath of one rather angry janitor, and still dressed only in his underwear. The pigeons mistake him for a baby sasquatch and flee in terror. Krig climbs up to the tip of the tower, and hangs there like King Kong, broken mop still between his teeth, wind making the mop strings and his beard's braids flutter dramatically. Krig's eyes squint, and the world wobbles in classic flashback sequence style. Wait--what's this? Could it be -- yes! It is! It's the long awaited Origin of the Viking Krig!*

*Late twentieth century. Mid-atlantic. With the first tell-tale signs of global warming, an enormous iceburg that has been floating in the sea for nine-hundred some odd years suddenly melts. A olde Viking ship and its crew is deposited in twentieth-century waters! One of the Vikings, a tall one with large, curvey horns on his helmet, a dark flowing beard, and a distinctly chief-ish air about him, stands up and looks about.*

Viking Chief: "Ho! Our brave ship the Ice Bear has become unstuck! Now at long last we may sail for our beloved home, Old Norway!"

*A much shorter, red-haired, beastly-looking Viking speaks up.*

Krig: "We not go to Vinland for beer?"

Viking Chief: "Egad! I completely forgot about that! We go to Vinland! Ho!"

And so a Viking ship, lost in time, sails toward North America in search of Beer. Will they encounter a twentieth-century college full of young wannabe Heroes and a Breakfast Club parody? Did Krig's battle with Geb take place before or after this scene? Or did it take place at all? Why are these Vikings not dead after being frozen for nine hundred years? Is it because of their hardy Viking blood? Find out next time, as we continue the mysterious tale of Intrigue, Deception, and Donuts, on Never-ending Stoooooooryyyyyyy! (must be over legal drinking age, no purchase necessary)

------------------
"Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society." --Mark Twain

[CookedHaggis]

BUMP.

------------------

[Michael MacFarlane]

Official Licensed Getting Back Into The Swing of Things Post

Michael MacFarlane, who, on his way to St. Louis, conveniently ended up at NeSU by accident, sprints down the halls, trying to catch sight of anyone he might know. Passing Amy in the hall, he tosses her a quick wave.

Michael MacFarlane: Hey.

He runs on. Amy doesn't speak; she looks as though she was expecting MacFarlane to, I don't know, stop or something. But he keeps running...

...smack into an opening classroom door.

Michael MacFarlane: Ow.

And, having thus injured himself, he continues wandering the halls, this time at a much slower pace.

------------------
"Why aren't I'm using at these pictures?" - Cloud, 4/14/02

[Tracer]

(NSP: Geb, your email is gebohq@hotmail.com, right? Because I need to email you.)

------------------
I am floppy.

[shade]

as Galrek finally got finished with getting his notes for clueless stupor 912, his mind wandered to other things, like, what to have for lunch, and why his decisions always felt so incredibly monumental, as if the fate of the world hinged on what he decided...
WHAM!
as Galrek stared up at the ceiling, gasping for breath, he couldn't help but realize that that door shouldn't have jumped closed again like that, with a grunt, he stands up and looks around, finding a broom, he pushes the door open, and leaves, continuing on to the cafeteria, where he promptly discovers that he still hasn't decided on what to eat...without knowing it, he finally decided to go with the tomato soup, but as the lady attempted to lift a spoonful from the pan, a student ahead of Galrek in line, sneezed, surprising her and causing the spoon to slip from her fingers and hit the side of the pan, flipping it end over end through the air, leaving spatters of tomato soup spattered all over the wall behind her. as the soup began eating through the wall, other students, who had just been about to eat the soup, stared in amazement as the drywall turned into a reddish slush and slid down the wall. Galrek was once again hit by that feeling that his decisions were very important and, taking the chicken, walks out to encounter his next big decision, to sit next to CookedHaggis, Ford, and Geb, or to go outside and eat under the shadow of Big Ben. with a shrug, Galrek forgoes being sociable and heads outside to hike over to big ben with his heaping plate of Chicken and Mashed Potatoes. unbeknownst to him, far over head, a slightly distracted Viking dangles from the tip of the tower, remembering the events that led him to this point. happily whistling, Galrek goes over and reaches another decision...to sit in the shade or the sunlight.
will Galrek sit in the shade? will krig have enough attention span to actually dangle through his entire origin story? will Galrek make another monumental decision?

------------------
In The beginning the universe was created.
this has made a lot of people angry and been widely viewed as a big mistake.

[KyleKatarn7]

Having recently escaped detention, KyleKatarn7 heads to his next class, Hacking 101

H4ckM4573R Ch4®l13: "Good morning class. Today you will be learning the absolute basics of hacking, beginning with 13375P34|&lt;. Anybody who could not understand what I said just then should leave, immediately."

*Everybody except Kyle leaves, having learned long ago how to "5P33|&lt; 1337" fluently.*

H.C.: "*sigh*...I suppose that's what I get for joining NESU. Allright...errr...class, I assume that since you didn't leave, you can at least passably understand leet speak. In this training session, we will break you down, rebuild you into the most 1337357 hacker in the world, break you down again, break for lunch, and, if we have time, rebuild you once more. You're not afraid, are you?"

KK7: "I am not afraid."

H.C.: "*yoda voice* You will be, you will be. *cough* *hack* Excuse me, must be coming down with something."

------------------
"What sane person could live in this world, and *not* be crazy?"

Council of 14

[This message has been edited by KyleKatarn7 (edited March 22, 2003).]

[CookedHaggis]

*In his room, CookedHaggis wakes up as the alarm clock starts blaring. This may not seem to be a truly momentous act, but bear in mind that anyone who is taking a degree in Slacking and Laziness and is in possesion of an alarm clock has pretty much failed the course already. Which is why Mr. Haggis had to go out specially yesterday and find an alarm clock, since he didn't possess one (that's "possess" as in the "to own, hold etc." definition. Not "the power of Christ COMPELLS you!" definition)*.
The reason for his sudden urge to wake up before midday has something to do with an email he sent to The Faculty of Waitering, Maitre D's and Butlership's (also known as "That bit of the University where they look at you funny if you can't differentiate between a Mourvedre and a Barbera...those are wines...*sigh*, I don't know why I bother...") Senior Admissions Selector:


<font face="Verdana, Arial" size="2">Dear Professor Snooty,

I was wondering about changing course (from BA Slacking & Laziness to Bsc Maitre D'ing) and if I would be accepted into said course. Attatched are my qualifications and current degree status.

Yours sincerley

CookedHaggis</font>

This was responded to with:


<font face="Verdana, Arial" size="2">Mr. Haggis,

If one cannot correctly spell (and one assumes, given your somewhat slovenly current degree course, enunciate) "sincerely", then one in all probability lacks the stiff upper lip and smug superiority required to become a member of our prestigious corps. However, in light of your excellent marks in your current course, and due to our hallowed University's somewhat stringent budgetary scheme, we are in need of some fresh and eager recruits for our war against dropping standards. Ahaha. That was a joke. A witticism. And is not to be disclosed to the Psychiatry department, who simply do not understand me. Ok?

Attatched is a list of class and tutorials you will be expected to attend this semmester.

Yours *sincerely*

Professor Snooty PhD MD Msci BSC BA Acq

--------
administro ergo sum
</font>

* And that's "own" as in "Of or belonging to oneself", not some daft script kiddy's usage thereof.

------------------

[Gebohq]

In the Hall of Heroes, Gebohq continues to sit on the couch, deep within his flashbacks, his ranting upon them with a tone more boring than perhaps even Ares' clone. Unaware of his presence, the form of what appears to be the Jump-bot lurks in a dark corner of a still darker room nearby. A dangerous object seems to be in its grasp and aimed at the NeS leader topped with funny hair. The red laser dot crawls up the back of the couch, up Gebohq's neck...

Janitor Bob: Doo-dee-do...*B.U.M.P.* What the--?

*After stumbling over something in the dark room, Janitor Bob flicks on the lightswitch. The Jump-Bot can be seen quickly hiding something behind its back.*

Janitor Bob: What did I tell you about dark places?

Jump-bot: ...Negative?

Janitor Bob: That's right, they're bad. You could trip on something, or the Boogyman could get you. Now help me find Galv's missing CPU part.

*The Jump-bot makes some angry noises, shoots a glare back at Gebohq, and follows the janitor, taking out a note-pad and marking something down.*

(NSP: Yeah, excuse for a B.U.M.P., I know. I'm on Spring Break, and I got stuff to do (bleh). Yes Tracer, that is my e-mail, but it was probably full when you tried to send something (I emptied it now). If its NeS-related, send a copy of it at neswriters@hotmail.com. Good stuff everyone http://forums.massassi.net/html/smile.gif)

[CookedHaggis]

*The door to room C3, NeS Hall Block A, is flung open, and a beleaguered figure stands there, hair a mess, swaying slightly and grasping the doorframe for support*

CookedHaggis: Uuuuuh...

*Another door opens, and in walks Ford, fresh from the shower, towel wrapped around concealing whatever it is the court order prohibits him from showing again in public*

Ford: Haggis man, what're you doing up and about already? It's only 3pm.

CookedHaggis: Nnnnaaaaaaaghh...

*Haggis' head thumps against the door frame and his body is now at a good 65 degree angle against frame*

Ford: You been drinking already? Gimme a sec and I'll come join you.

CookedHaggis: Uggh...8am start...sun doing strange things in the sky...in the east...Ngggh.....mornings suck...

*Haggis collapses full length on the carpet*

Ford: Easy man, if you're gonna start drinking early, you've gotta pace yourself.

CookedHaggis: *groan* I wasn't drinking...classes...

Ford: We had classes today?

CookedHaggis: Waitering...

Ford: Oh yeah. Hah. Hey, there's a party in one of the halls tonight, fancy coming? Sounds like it's for all the new students...

------------------

[shade]

Galrek finallymade up his mind to sit down under the shade and avoid sunburn, and had no sooner sat down than he heard a noise, surprised, he looked up, and promptl woke up 5 minutes later to see a small mashed potatoes-covered viking sitting in the remains of his table eating his chicken.
Galrek:"where did you come from?"
will Galrek get to eat lunch? will he make another decision this day? will Krig the Viking take Galrek's question literally and tell his entire origin story to Galrek in between bites of pummeled chicken? will the writer in charge of Krig's origin story get this blatant hint and finish it? tune in next time on NeS:the younger days!

------------------
In The beginning the universe was created.
this has made a lot of people angry and been widely viewed as a big mistake.

[maevie]

[NSP] ok peeps, here it is, sorry if it sucks!....[NSP]

That evening, Ford drags a still rather disorientated and somewhat wobbly Haggis to the party. Upon entering, they realise that maybe their bodies weren't supposed to cope with student life, much like anyone else's, for that matter. An entire floor is overrun with students, 20 rooms with all manner of strange creatures copulating on the floors, the tables, an occasional bed. There are people throwing up into every possible container. In the kitchen, which is devoid of anything which could be classed as food, a game of strip poker is taking place. However, being students, they have neglected to bring a pack of cards, and are instead rather drunkenly taking off clothing in apparently random succession, atleast according to Ford and Haggis. The two, somewhat taken aback at this display from the lowest possible lifeforms, try to blend into the background by grabbing a bottle of vodka and fighting over it.

*at the 'poker' game*

girl #1: oi! look don' touch, you sssslime! where'sss my bloody drink?

boy #1: I didn' touch you! blimey, womens! ok, thizz game iz ssstarting to sssuck, what ssshall we do now?

girl #2: wha' we playing aaanyway?

boy #2: who knowsss? but baby, *hic* you look good without clothes. mmerrow! *hic*

*girl #2 slaps boy #2, who falls out of his chair and passes out on the floor. she then gets up and leaves*

girl #1: well that wasss fun. who 'n earth are thooosse two?

the girl, after pulling on a random pair of jeans and a big tshirt, wanders over to Ford and Haggis, who stop fighting with the alcohol and freeze completely. she's tall, slim, blonde, blue eyed....a walking wet dream. it soon becomes apparent that she is also holding her breath. she breathes out, and suddenly she's 5'5", not quite so slim, bizarrely enough a little less blonde, and far more average looking.

girl #1: hi, 'm Maeve, wh're you guys?

Ford: um.....well, uh......

Maeve: 'ight then.

*Maeve grabs the vodka from them and stalks off*

Haggis: well that was rude.

Ford: indeed. I'm not sure I like these student people, they have absolutely no manners

Haggis: anyway, I'm gonna go

Ford: uh, why? look at all the alcohol, it's ours for the taking

Haggis: I've got early classes tomorrow

Ford: you can't be serious man, look at what it did to you today, all these classes are gonna kill you

Haggis: sorry, but I wanna give this a go, I'll catch you later

*Haggis turns to leave, at the very moment that a somewhat more inebriated Maeve returns, the vodka empty, grabs Ford and drags him off into the throng*

Haggis: well, he should be entertained atleast.


------------------
The internet really blurs the divide between flirting and stalking - Tracer
&lt;Flexor&gt; why change your sleeping habits when you can just move into another time zone!

I am amaeving

[This message has been edited by mavispoo (edited March 30, 2003).]

[IS_ford1342]

At the giant floor-wide college party, a utterly-drunk Maeve drags Ford into a throng...

Random Audience Member: A thong?

No, no. A *throng*!

RAM: A throng of what?

*sigh* Just keep reading...Ford trips over the passed out fat guy maeve gingerly steped over with the caution of someone who got way to drunk way to fast.

Ford: Hey! wait for me!*still lying on the ground after maeve kept going* if im going to be dragged of into a throng by a beautiful woman i dont want to miss it!

Maeve: ug.... *She stumbles back towards Ford, narrowly misses grabbing his hand(by about 4 feet) and ends up in the heap.

Ford drags himself to his feet and walks over to her.

Ford: Need a hand?

Maeve: thansssss

Maeve reaches up to Ford. Ford grabs her hand, and with the other points to a vacant couch by the piano.

Ford: here lets have a seat.

Maeve leans on Ford as he takes her over to the seat and gently sits her down. she slides off, lands on the floor, and strikes up a conversation with Ford's left foot.

Ford: hey down there, im up here.

mavispoo looks up, and after a few seconds of focusing, manages to see just one Ford

maeve: you're reeeeal sssezzzzy ya know?

Ford: is that so? never had anyone say that. or have i? dunno most of the time i've been too drunk to hear them in the first place. say is that raspberry schnapps?*takes a swig* mmmm yeah. thats the stuff.*drinks some more* ahh sweet nectar of life.

maeve gets bored, and unsteadily gets up to dance. Ford, thinking she's falling over, tries to catch her, which she takes as a come-on and once again, drags him out into the throng. Ford lets himself be dragged. After a while he realises Maeve is doing something that closely resembled dancing. so in his schnapps induced state of being, he unwisely decided to break out in something that didnt resemble dancing in the least. when the music stopped Ford kept on "dancing" unaware that everyone was staring at him. he stopped and grinned.

Ford: uh hey there everybody! how's about a song, eh? whaddya say?

cricket: chirp chirp

Ford: Right-o.

Ford walks over to the piano and sits down.

Ford: woo. here we go. *slowly he put his fingers on the keyboard. then quickly he broke out into a flouncy version of "mary had a little lamb".* ha ha just kidding folks. *he then he begins. he plays a haunting chord progression, sending shivers through some of the people around the room*

Dream on....
Till dawn, and i'll catch you if you fall.
They're gone....
And no one answers when you call.

So if the morning comes too soon
And the yellow sundrops fill the room.
I'll be beihind you, my hand will guide you
With an early morning tune.

And in the morning you will find
The sweet memento left behind.
to get you through the rainy days
theres never any reason to be sad when im away.

So if the morning comes too soon
And the yellow sundrops fill the room.
I'll be beihind you, my hand will guide you
With an early morning tune.

And in the morning when the sun falls on your head.
In the morning, when it gets you out of bed.
In the morning when the sun falls
In the morning when the sun
Falls..*

there was stunned silence through the room. i have to admit, even i didnt know he had it in him. well tune in next week when we disconver what happens when you mix an angry RA and several drunken late teens.

-------
*"Sunfall" is copyright 2002 by Sarah Thrasher.


------------------
may the farce be with you.

[Krig the Viking]

*Krig, sitting down now, dreamily stares off into the distance. Cue widely overused flashback-ripple effect and cheesy tinkly music....*

*Early morning, nineteen-eighty-something. The open sea. A norse sailing vessel cuts briskly through the waves, violently running down the occasional whale that gets in its path. Amidst the spray of saltwater, five Viking crewmen huddle. They're an assorted lot of barbarian tough guys, all weathered and dirty and pretty smelly, too. There's the proud-looking chieftan standing in the bow of the boat, squinting into the spray. There's the elderly sage, with a flowing white beard that flows dangerously to his ankles. There's the gigantic, small-brained, peace-loving giant. There's the eternal drunk, still passed out in the bottom of the ship, from the crew's going-away party nearly 900 years ago. And then there's the small one in the back. He looks harmless enough, especially compared to the brutes in front. Sure he's dirtier and smellier than the rest combined, but he has a pleasant, toothy smile and a charming twitch in his left eye. He clutches his oversized battle-axe closely, as if it were going to leap overboard and escape at the slightest provocation.*

*Just then, the chieftan in the front of the boat cries out.*

Chieftan Viking: "Behold! Upon yon horizon! Something looms!"

Elderly Sage Viking: "Pff! I see nothing!"

Chieftan: "'Tis there, I tell thee! What is it?"

Small Viking in Back of Ship: "Krig want to see! Let Krig see!"

Gentle Giant Viking (squinting at horizon): "Hmmm..."

Elderly Sage: "You've gone mad! I see only the pleasant shores of Vinland!"

Chieftan: "Pray look more closely, Wise Sage! There, upon the shoreline! It is a fearsome giant, menacing us from afar!"

Krig: "Let Krig see! Let Krig see!"

*The Elderly Sage Viking squints at the horizon.*

Elderly Sage: "I see it! Oh ruinous day! It is not just any giant, but Helga, the dreaded Ice Giantess of the North! Many have died at her wrathful hands! See how she holds aloft her flaming beacon, threatening any who would come near! She has conquered fair Vinland, and wishes to keep our tasty ale to herself!"

Krig: "Aaargh! She not have Krig's ale! Krig smash!"

Chieftan: "Thou art right! We shall set forth to slay this fell creature, who hath taken our precious mead! Set the sail! Man the oars! Onward Ho! We fight to the death! We fight for glory! Hurry now! We..."

*The Viking Chieftan continues to exhort his crew, as they increase speed toward the distant giant. Shortly they land upon the shore, and all hop out. They crane their necks upward, trying to see the top of the menacing giantess that stands before them.

Chieftan: "Ho! Yon Helga ist much bigger close up..."

Drunken Viking (just awakened from blessed unconciousness): "Urrrrg, mine head..."

Gentle Giant Viking: "Hmmmm..."

Elderly Sage: "Ho! The great giant Helga is asleep! Now is our chance!"

Krig: "Big lady sleep standing up?"

Elderly Sage: "Of course, thou ninny! All giants sleep standing up!"

Chieftan: "She dost not look asleep to me..."

Elderly Sage: "Blast thine idiocy! Of course she dost not look asleep! Their kind doth sleep with eyes open!"

Chieftan: "Oh"

Drunken Viking: "Hey, whurred tha' big lady come fro - *hic* - om?"

Elderly Sage: "Ho! Speakest thou softly, cabbage-head! Thou wilst awaken the fearsome Helga!"

Drunken Viking: "Helglela, eh? *hic* Thash a nice name! Ish see shingle?"

Gentle Giant Viking: "Hmmmm."

*The Elderly Viking Sage draws his Viking sword and hits Drunken Viking over the head with the flat side of it. Drunken Viking collapses to the ground.*

Elderly Sage: "Quickly now! We must attack, or the giantess will awaken!"

Chieftan: "Art thou certain yon Helga will not step on us in her sleep, and squish us like overripe berries of some kind, forsooth?"

Elderly Sage: "What sort of question is that? Of course not! She -- but soft! What was that?"

*The Viking crew falls suddenly silent. A tumbleweed rolls by.*

Krig: "Krig not hear anything."

Chieftan: "No, forsooth! I doth hear it!"

Elderly Sage: "What does it sound like?"

Chieftan: "Like a thsh-thshsh-thsh sort of sound, yes?"

*There is a brief moment of quiet as the Vikings listen.*

Elderly Sage: "By Thor's Left Toe! That's the tumbleweed, thou ninny!"

Chieftan: "Ahah! I shall slay it!"

*The Viking Chieftan draws his sword and slays the tumbleweed. Then he returns to the group.*

Chieftan: "Now, what wast this other sound thou spokest of?"

Drunken Viking: "Oww, mine head..."

Elderly Sage: "Wait -- there it is again! Dost thou not hear it?"

Krig: "No."

Drunken Viking: "Uhhh... No."

Gentle Giant Viking: "Hmmm."

Chieftan: "Uhhh -- maybe. Dost it sound like 'squawk-squawk-squawk'?"

Elderly Sage: "Nay! That's the seagulls! I am talking about the sound of the Giantess Helga waking up!"

*The Viking crew looks up at the towering Giantess.*

Krig: "Big lady awake now!"

Chieftan: "She will surely destroy us all!"

Drunken Viking: "Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Mine head!"

Elderly Sage: "Flee for thine lives!"

Chieftan: "Nay! Do not flee! We must defeat this foe though it cost us our very lives! Forward, Viking brothers!"

Elderly Sage: "Charge!"

Gentle Giant: "Hmmm!"

Krig: "KRIG SMASH!"

Drunken Viking: "Argh, fer th' luvva Thor, stop yelling! Mine poor, poor head..."

And so, the brave crew of the Ice Bear charges forth to attack the foot of none other than our beloved Statue of Liberty. How long will it take them to find out that she is not, in fact, alive, and is made out of metal? If the valiant crew has this much trouble with an inanimate object, how will they deal with the rest of the late-twentieth century? And how, exactly, does Krig end up in Stonehenge, later on? Send twenty-nine ninety five to the address on your screen, and find out, only in the Neverrrrrrrr - endinggggggg Storyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!

------------------
"Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society." --Mark Twain

[Gebohq]

(NSP: Since I'm super-brain dead, and I'm still saddened that I didn't remember to make my April Fools post yesterday, NeS is going to get something given to it all too often, by me at least http://forums.massassi.net/html/smile.gif)

!.P.M.U.B | B.U.M.P.!

[Dormouse]

Dor: So, Gebohq was it ? Right this way, right this way. Do you think I sound like James Earl Jones ? HOW ABOUT NOW ?

Geb: I don't really think--

Dor: Yes, well that's more or less beside the point. Shall we get started ? Let's go to my lab, good place for training. That's what the bats tell me at least, and the bats are never wrong. I often wonder where exactly they get their information from but it's remarkably accurate; though that bit about the radioactive cycads was somewhat peculiar but I trust their judgement on that. Wouldn't you ?

Geb: Surely I--

Dor: Oh good good, glad we're on the same page. Do you like cycads ? They're really quite smashing plants once you get to know them, albeit a bit daft at times. Daft in that 300-year-old latin professor sort of way you understand ? Oh, quite, here's my lab, right where I left it even, how grand is that.

*Geb peers around the lab in mild distress at the breathtaking array of burning objects, shattered glassware, and what appears to be a group of 7 assorted plush bats hanging from the ceiling from bright green yarn.

*Dor pats each of them in turn: 'allo Creseo, Nycte, Phyllo, Thyro, Myzo, Vespert, and Ptero my friends ! how are you all today ? Good, good. Those cycards giving you any more trouble ? Oh smashing, well glad that's cleared up. This is our new project, his name is, Hanz, or Fritz, err.. no that's not quite it, Gebohq, yes, this is Gebohq, we will treat him nicely yes ? This means you Ptero, i won't take that "oh but I could have sworn his brain was a canteloupe" excuse this time you hear, I'm on to you.

Geb: About the trainin--

Dor: Oh yes that that that. The whole hero bit. Just one moment. Now where-- AIIEEE
*Picks up a flaming beaker and suddenly flings it at a prehistoric looking plant in the corner, nods in satisfaction and pulls down a chart which appears to be drawn alternately in crayon and lemon frosting*

Dor: Now as you can see from this diagram here, and I assure you that years and years of research went into the making of this astonishing reference tool, the Hero [that is you, or your hopeful transformation] requires 3 major elements; these are namely: Charm, Chocolate, and Codpieces. Just think of them as the 3 C's, not unlike last semestre's marks hahaha. Oh and it always helps to have an enchanted item of some sort. Swords and armour are quite popular I hear, but I had a good friend who swore on his enchanted Battle-Loufah to the day of his untimely-yet-well-scrubbed death, so it all is a matter of opinion, you see ?

Geb: Um--

Dor: Good good good.

*Dor haul's a laundry basket out from under a lab-bench, rummages around for a few minutes and finally triumphantly pulls out a strangely glowing and rather large neon blue plush tortoise.

Dor: Aha ! See, just fasten these straps here, and there, and, oh now isn't that just cherry ?

*Geb stands there in mute confusion as Dor fastens the plush tortoise's pairs of legs around Geb's waist and neck, leaving his back decidedly well padded and a soppily grinning tortoise head with immense plastic woggle-eyes setting atop his own head.

Dor: Oh that's spectacular don't you think ?

*Geb blankly nods, the tortoise-head and eyes wiggling up and down with him motion.

Dor: But what is armour without a brand of honour ?

*Dor begins rummaging around again in the basket and pulls out a gleaming plastic umbrella with cheerful frog pictures on it.

Dor: Oh yes this will do marvellously, here Geb, take this and use it in honour !

*Geb stares at the umbrella for a moment before accepting it with a slight nod.

Dor: And now, oh now surely it is time for a nap or summat don't you think Vespert, the evening is rather getting on is it not ? Geb ? You are dismissed for the night, I expect to see you bright and chipper some time tomorrow for further instruction yes ? Good good good.

*Exuent*

[shade]

DUDE! Dor's a certified nutcase...spiffy! will probably make another contribution at some point...although with this latest class...I'm kinda burned out creatively...so it maybe awhile before y'all get another one of my "beautiful" posts...hold your breaths and I'll post real soon....now to let you go back to actually talented writers tacking on their own little creative spurts and gasps to this strange melange of human...well, nature.

------------------
In The beginning the universe was created.
this has made a lot of people angry and been widely viewed as a big mistake.

[Sarn_Cadrill]

*Sarn_Cadrill walks in suddenly*

Sarn: Hey, how's it going, guys?

Geb: Uhh... who are you?

Sarn: It's me, your long lost buddy, Sarn.

*Geb walks over to Sarn and feels his face, studying his eyes intently.*

Geb: It... It is you! Where have you been?

Sarn: Oh here and there. I've been writing my own stories lately, and... where are we anyway?

------------------
Nail pierced hands. A wounded side.
This is love.
http://www.writings-emag.netThe next big thing since individually wrapped cheese slices (coming soon).

[Sarn_Cadrill]

*Sarn peers cautiously around the lab*

Sarn: Uhh where are we?

Dor: You're at my lab of course.

Sarn: Uhh... Ok.

Dor: Say, are you also interested in being a Hero?

*A look of horror flashes across Geb's eyes, and he cries out. His warning is not heard by Sar, however, because the tortouse's neck at that precise moment happens to flip around and jam itself directly into Geb's open mouth. Geb struggles and falls to the ground.*

*Sarn glances down at Geb with concern in his eyes.*

Sarn: Are you ok, man?

Geb: mffgh. ugghafm fummmssz.

Dor: *sigh* He has much to learn. Come along then. For you it will require a special touch.

*Dormouse leads Sarn through a passageway deeper into the laboratory.*

------------------
Nail pierced hands. A wounded side.
This is love.
http://www.writings-emag.netThe next big thing since individually wrapped cheese slices (coming soon).

[Gebohq]

(NSP: While writing for one's own character is fine when just starting off and still introducing or whatever, I'd like to encourage writing for other characters too. At least I know it helps a great deal when others write for my character to bounce off of. Of course, if you don't want people to, please feel free to say so.)

The Viking Cheiftain, the Elderly Sage, the Giant Gentle Viking, the Drunken Viking, and Krig the Viking all charge forth at the Statue of Liberty. Upon reaching her foot, four begin hacking, smashing, and otherwise attacking the foot, while the Drunken Viking becomes distracted, and heads for the entrance. The Statue of Liberty continues standing tall and unmoving.

Elderly Sage: The giantess is repelling all of our attacks!

Gentle Giant Viking: Hmm...

Cheiftain: Do not yield! Put your back into it!

*The Drunken Viking, upon reaching the entrance, peers inside, looking upward. He turns to the other four.*

Drunken Viking: Look! There ish nothing *hic* up Helulguh's dressh!

Cheiftain: This is no time for such foolishness!

Elderly Sage: Nay, but listen! The noises come from inside!

Cheiftain: Inside...?

*The Chieftain motions the others to follow him to where the Drunken Viking stands, and hesitantly looks inside.*

Cheiftain: By the gods... the giantess has been put under a spell!

Elderly Sage: The noises... they are voices!

Cheiftain: We must search for those inside, who may be trapped in yon Helga's belly!

Krig: Big lady look lot like great fortress...

*The Viking crew approach the giftshop area. Upon entering, they find a young TotallyEvil, Wolf, and Farr, as well as a fourth, yet to be identified, figure, apparently plotting something.*

Oooooo, what an UNCANNY resembelence to the movie X-men *cough*! Who is the fourth unidentified villian, and what are they plotting? Find out here on the Never-ending Story Thread!

(NSP: You know you want to do it Krig...I even left the 4th guy up to you to decide, whether he be new or old! Course, they could jsut as easily be ordering pizza or something too...)

[Antestarr]

NSP: Just so you all know, NeSI will be up sometime in the near future. Like, tonight. Hopefully I'll get my rushjob archive template done http://forums.massassi.net/html/wink.gif. And I should prolly catch up on the thread soon, too.

------------------
"If a whip wielding ******* in a leather skirt started talking to me while waving a bleeding human heart around I'd stop screwing around, too. 'Oh, I can see by the bloody organ in your hand that you are indeed a tough hombre. I'll show you the way.'"

-Shamelessly stolen and somewhat edited from Sharkey's review of Castlevania II: Simon's Quest-

~Antestarr

[Gebohq]

(NSP: Wheeeee! NeSI is finally up! Go support its announcement over at http://forums.massassi.net/html/Forum1/HTML/027342.html or just read the comic over at http://nesi.keenspace.com where it'll update every Wednesday and Saturday. Wheeeeee!)

[The Last True Evil]

*Meanwhile, above the Atlantic ocean in a jet-black fighter, er, jet...*

TLTE: Nyuk nyuk nyuk...the borscht has really hit the ventilator this time!

*The young spy-in-training rips of his latex mask, revealing the actual TLTE, fresh from a spot of time-travelling.*

TLTE: My greatest plan yet! Steal the NeS before the NeS crew BECOME the NeS crew, stopping them from foiling me because they've never met me, shattering the very nature of logic itself and blowing existence to pieces! This will surely show the motherland how much I care!

*At that moment, a hail of logical plot holes launch toward the jet, deflected by an unseen anti-plot-hole shield...*

*And a hundred zillion bajillion fafillion million x ten to the power of a lot miles away, a tiny crack appears in existance, rapidly growing larger...*

------------------
"You have to tame the wild beast before you let it out of its cage."

-Derek Zoolander

[JediKirby]

JediKirby walks along the hallways, reading the fascinating story he'd uncovered, still baffled by its strange property to continue to create pages. Just then, he drops the last page on the floor, and on it, he reads...


<font face="Verdana, Arial" size="2">TLTE: My greatest plan yet! Steal the NeS before the NeS crew BECOME the NeS crew, stopping them from foiling me because they've never met me, shattering the very nature of logic itself and blowing existence to pieces! This will surely show the motherland how much I care!</font>

JediKirby pondered hard, and thought to himself out loud...

JediKirby Could this 'NeS' actually be the story I'm reading? It matches the initials on the front page of the story... And it must be worth something since it keeps on going...

Just then, JediKirby noticed something else... He read about himself reading about himself reading, about himself reading about himself reading about himself reading about himself reading....

JediKirby closed his eyes, escaping from the perplexed limbo. He screeched, and dropped the papers all over the floor, just as the bell for 5th hour rang. Children flocked the hallways, papers strewing all over the floor, the pages of the powerful story mixing in with other peoples dropped papers, all hope was lost!

Tune in next time for the exiting story, will JediKirby retrieve the papers back? Will the mighty story fall into the wrong hands? Will JediKirby ever be drawn in NeSi? Tune In Next Time to read about the narrator writing about the narrator writing about the narrator writing about the narrator writing about the narrator writing about the...


------------------
Epic: Episode I TC, Epic: Podracing Mod MP/SP, Epic: Starbattles Mod MP/SP (http://www.jedinights.com/e21tc/)

[This message has been edited by jEDIkIRBY (edited April 10, 2003).]

[shade]

alright, I'll make a nice long post this weekend when i get some time...right now...lunch is almost over...now to go get knowledge crammed into my brain at speeds you "college" wimps can only dream of..*wimper*my brain aches...later y'all!

------------------
In The beginning the universe was created.
this has made a lot of people angry and been widely viewed as a big mistake.

[Gebohq]

B.U.M.P.!

It so needed one, with the forums being down and all http://forums.massassi.net/html/wink.gif

Oh yeah, and NeS has reached the answer to Life, the Universe, and Everything! God bless Douglas Adams, and may his soul rest in peace.

[This message has been edited by Gebohq (edited April 15, 2003).]

[Sarn_Cadrill]

Uhh, I'd post for other characters but I have no idea what's going on with anyone else.. I'll just keep up with what I'm doing now...

*Shadows danced back and forth along the rough-hewn walls of the ancient passageway as Sarn followed Dormouse deeper and deeper into the underground lab. The passageway smelled of mold, and old cheeze its. Occaisionally, different passageways would branch off to the right or left, and Dor would alter course and follow one of them apparently at random. Their path always sloped downwards, and it began to grow warm in the passageway. Finally Dormouse rounded a corner and stopped suddenly. Sarn bumped into him and they both tumbled. When Sarn looked up there was nothing but a blank wall.

Sarn: A dead END??? You led me to a dead end?

Dor (muttering to himself) : That's strange. I couldda sworn that went somewhere...

Sarn: Do you know where we are?

Dor: Not a clue. This should be a perfect spot to begin your training.

Sarn: Uhh. I'm confuzed.

Dor: Of course you are. That's because you are not yet a True Hero.

Sarn: Says who? Look, I've got this!

*Sarn pulls from his cloak a rolled document, and hands it to Dormouse.

Dor: "This is to certify that on this day, blah blah, Sarn_Cadrill has graduated with honors... blah, blah, yak yak... from Gregory's School of True Heroes, and is hereby given the title of Master True Hero, and is entitled to all the benefits and perks contained therein."

Sarn: See?

Dor: Hmm, whattya know? Well that's good that you're already a True Hero.

Sarn: Why's that?

Dor: Because someone's gotta rescue us from an eternity of wandering these catacombs, and it might as well be you. Nice how that worked out, eh, you just happening to be here when we needed you most?

Sarn: Oh boy. I guess we'd better get started. Let's go this way!

Sarn spins wildly on one heel and comes to a rest facing a blank wall.

Sarn: ... Or we could just start going back the way we came.

Dor: Good idea, T.H. Sarn. Perhaps you truly are worthy of your title.

The two walk off down the corridor, which is now slanting slightly upwards, singing and making merry.


-----------------

Geb, that's liek the second time I've posted this month. You should be proud of me.

------------------
Nail pierced hands. A wounded side.
This is love.
http://www.writings-emag.netThe next big thing since individually wrapped cheese slices (coming soon).

[Highemperor]

In the 1980s, at NeSU. . .

*Geb is in the Storywriting Class, along with his classmates. He is rapt with attention. Someone else, though, is not*

Gettleburger: *snore*

Keyboarding Teacher: So, remember, class, when storywriting, the important thing is to ALWAYS do wrist and finger exercises to keep them in typing trim. Now, then-

Gettle: *snore*

Keyboarding Teacher: Ahem.

Gettle: *snore*

Keyboarding Teacher: GETTLE!

Gettle: Huh, what?

Keyboarding Teacher: That's it! I've had it! I don't mean to be dramatic, but-

Gettle: Uh, teach, you're singing from Disney's "Return of Jafar".

Keyboarding Teacher: Silence! I hereby give you detention.

Gettle: *muttering* Anything's better than this Writer-forsaken class. . .

Keyboarding Teacher: . . . with Dean Stockwell.

Gettle: Ack! Except that!

*As Gettle and the Keyboarding Teacher argue, the student sitting next to Geb leans over*

Pyotr Hussein: Hey, Geb, guess who got a higher grade than you did on that last test?

Geb: *grumble* Yeah, you did, just because the teacher's a fan of your father's. *raises fist*

Pyotr: Eep?

-----

On Page 2345, in Neo London. . .

Wino #1: Who's that?

Wino #2: Dunno. *takes a long swig from bottle* Could be a corpse.

Wino #4: Another one?

Wino #2: What happened to Wino #3?

Wino #4: He's the corpse.

Wino #2: Oh. *pause* Then who's that?

Wino #1: Oh, the new body?

Yes, as a matter of a fact, a body is laying face up on the ground beneath the hellish skies of Neo London. His eyes are wide open, feverishly bright blue and unseeing. His pitch-black hair is rumpled, and his clothes are tattered. The remains of a cape clings to his form.

Wino #4: Yeah, him.

Wino #1: I think that's a Character(TM).

Wino #4: A Character(TM)?! I thought they all died of old age by the 22nd century!

Wino #2: What are the Characters(TM)?

Wino #4: They are the chosen ones, born in the 20th century, champions set against the forces of darkness. They will fight in Zero Hour, the greatest battle of them all, the Armageddon of the multiverse.

Wino #2: Really?

Wino #4: Or else it's just an alcoholic fantasy. . .

Many years pass, and many more pages are written. On page 4999, though, we find the winos long gone, but this man's body still lies here among the rubble of a city destroyed in plot-hole war.

Audience Member: Plot-hole war?

Yes. By page 3000, the people of Earth had learned to harness plot-hole energy and use it to bomb the dickens out of each other.

Audience Member: Oh.

Anyways, as you may have guessed, this man, this Character(TM) is none other than Highemperor himself. His body is shriveled now, like that of a corpse, though his eyes are as bright as ever, though still unseeing. Two government officials walk down this ruined alley.

Gov't Official #1: Well, Hank, I think this beats all. The plot-hole radiation has been successfully cleansed from Neo London's atmosphere, and it is safe to rebuild.

Hank: I agree with your assessment, Gov't Official #1.

Gov't Official #1: Hey! How come you get to have a name, and I don't?

Hank: You drew the short straw, remember?

GO1: Oh, yes. Hey, what's that?

*They come upon Highemperor's ruined body*

Hank: *gasp* That's a Character(TM)! I can't believe one of their bodies is still intact!

GO1: Tell me about it. The Character(TM) Gebohq just dissipated into dust when he died.

Hank: No, he was a Porni Master. He disappeared to join the Porn Force.

GO1: Right. Anyway, we should preserve this Character(TM)'s body for posterity in a museum!

Hank: Right. But how to do that?

GO1: We could mummify him!

Many more centuries and pages pass. Finally, on page 3,801,425,769, we come to find Highemperor's body again. It is buried beneath the sands of a scorched Earth, for the planet is now closer to the sun, in the city of the dead, Neo Hamunaptra. Two Tusken Raiders, moved to Earth from the Star Wars galaxy, come upon the lost city.

Tusken Raider #1: Ooomp gort ogar!

TR2: Ooshi kaka whoooooooomba!

Er. . . okay. Since we can't understand a word they're saying, we'll just skip this part. Basically, on this page, Highemp is resurrected as a mummy and terrorizes the galaxy before being returned to his tomb. Anyway, onto page Infinity. . . the End of Time.

*The entire Milky Way galaxy has ceased to exist, being destroyed by supernovas and collisions with other galaxies and whatnot. The entire space/time continuum is slowly tearing itself apart*

*In the asteroid field where the Solar System used to be, a sudden collision of two asteroids wakes someone from his sleep*

Highemp: Whoa! *discovers himself surrounded by the rock of an asteroid* What's going on? *thinks for a moment* Oh, now I remember. I got a good dose of "Reality Syndrome", where I'm too entangled by quote-unquote "reality" to notice NeS. *breaks out of asteroid with Andorian, xenomorphic, and mummy powers*

*He sees the universe ravaging itself*

Highemp: Oh, my. *he flies over to a nearby asteroid and discovers a graveyard*

Highemp sees the names engraved on the tombstones. One of them is Gebohq. A second is Krig the Viking. Another is the Audience. Another is James Earl Jones. Still another is TLTE. In fact, all the Characters(TM) are there, except for Highemp himself. And yet another is the Narrator- Wait a second, I'm dead, too?

Highemp: Yup.

Oh. Well. In that case, I'll return to my grave. Ta-ta!

Highemp: Hmmm. This is dreadful. *sees a large mausoleum in the back of the cemetery* Oh, no. . . *then a devious grin forms on his face* I know how I can turn this to my advantage.

-----

Back in the present day. . .

Geb: Ah. Nothing like a quiet day at the Hall of Heroes, reliving old memories. And watching porn. That's the main thing, of course. I wonder whatever happened to ol' Pyotr Hussein, my old rival.

*A blinding flash of light, well, uh, blinds him momentarily*

Geb: Whoa!

Highemp: *appearing out of explosion of light* Help me, Gebi-wan Kenohq. You're my only hope.

Geb: Er. . .

Highemp: Oh, right, I forgot, you're not a Porni Master yet, only a Pornawan.

Geb: What do you mean?

Highemp: *aggrieved sigh* Geb, I'm coming from the future.

Geb: Yeah, I was kinda wondering what happened to you on page 2345.

Highemp: Actually, I went catatonic from a dose of "reality". I awoke at the End of Time on Page Infinity and saw the most horrible thing. I had to come back here to warn you.

Geb: Can it wait? I mean, it didn't happen for what, an infinite number of pages-

Highemp: *glares*

Geb: Eep?

Highemp: Exactly.

Geb: What?

Highemp: Come, and I will show you.

*They both disappear in a flash of light*

-----

Back at the End of Time-

Audience Member: Hey! You're dead!

*pouts* Well, so are you!

*Highemp and Geb appear in the cemetery*

Geb: Why don't you both shut up!

Highemp: Geb. . . look.

*Geb gasps as he sees all the tombstones. Then - he sees the very mausoleum that Highemp saw. And written on the tomb is-*

The Never-Ending Story
Born at the Beginning of Creation. Died Zero Hour. Murdered in one post by EeP.

Geb: Eep!

Highemp: *nodding* Exactly.

Geb: No, I mean this is scary. And who is "EeP"?

Highemp: The Ever-Ending Plot. The bane of all that is NeS.

Geb: No! If NeS died - dies - will die - ah, screw it - if it is dead, evil wins!

Highemp: Yes.

Geb: Can't the Writers do anything about this?

Highemp: Ah. . . now you begin to understand. The Writers have no direct power over EeP, for EeP is separate from NeS. So all the Writers ever to exist, from AncientWriter the Writer to ArmageddonWriter the Writer, funneled their power into their greatest creations: us.

Geb: Us?

Highemp: Yes. All of us at the Hall of Heroes. We are the Characters(TM) on which the responsibility to stop EeP is placed.

Geb: But we've already failed!

Highemp: No. Always in motion is the future.

Geb: *rolls eyes*

Highemp: EeP is someone you know. . . he is the Devil Incarnate. Possessed by Matthew Pate. He is. . . PYOTR HUSSEIN!

Geb: My greatest rival! No!!!!

Highemp: Yes! And now we must return to the present to warn the other heroes!

------------------
Quest on epic adventures or duel at the High Citadel (http://pub26.ezboard.com/bhighcitadel)!

[Highemperor]

NSP: This is a completely non-story post. None of this is part of NeS. I just wanted to showcase this from a conversation Geb and I had over AIM earlier today. Brilliant, isn't it? http://forums.massassi.net/html/wink.gif

Highemp: Don't laugh, bubba. Or I'll shoot the juke box!

Geb: Er. . . right.

Highemp: Uh. . . LOOK OVER THERE! *he highemps it*

Geb: *pile of ashes*

Highemp: *self-satisfied smile* Wheee! Highemping is fun!

Geb: uh-huh

Highemp: You've never heard of the song, 'Bubba shot the juke box'? Bubba shot the juke box, called it a fair fight! That's the only line I remember. It's a hilarious song.

Geb: I see

Highemp: Dang, I haven't heard that song in ages. . . Nor thought of it. . .

Geb: *mutters* For good reason. . .

Highemp: Hey!

Geb & Highemp simultaneously: Uh. . . LOOK OVER THERE! *Geb gebs it and Highemp highemps it*

Highemp: Wheee! This is fun!

Geb: Alright, buster, you're making me mad!

Highemp: Er. . .

*Geb highemps it and Highemp gebs it*

Highemp aka pile of ashes: Owie. . .

Many days later. . .

Highemp aka pile of ashes: So I’ve been a pile of ashes for a while. Think you’ll ever un-highemp me and let ME do the highemping?

Geboda: Difficult, the future is to see. Always in motion is the future, yes, mm-hmm. Lost a body Master Highemp has. How embarrassing. How embarrassing. *Yoda laugh* Hehehehehe!

Highoda: Laugh, you dare, at me? *highemps it*

Highoda: Lost a leg, Slave Geb has. How embarrassing. How embarrassing. Hehehehehehehehe. (in Yoda laugh)

Geboda: A leg better to have lost than your mind. Or good skin complexion; can't imagine the Emperor really likes his wrinkly skin...

Highemp: He doesn't. I know for a fact. He and I have tea every Thursday. Emperor to emperor, you know.

Geb: Of course.
Highemp: We discuss strategies for conquering galaxies, the most brutal tortures, and the best ways to put down rebellions. With the second, we both agree that it's Shadowlord's Reality Show of Doooooooom! Muahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah a!

Geb: Uh-huh.

Highemp: We also have an evil-cackle contest. Guess who wins, hands-down, every time?

Geb: Um...the other guy?

Highemp: *glares*

Geb: Uh. . . LOOK OVER THERE! *he gebs it*

Highemp: *highemps Geb, smiting him with unholy lightning*

Geb: See Geb. See Geb run. Run Geb run.

Highemp: See Highemp. See Highemp smite. Smite Highemp smite.

Geb: *sigh*

Highemp: You're no fun. *glares*

Geb: Eeep. . .

*bolts sizzle from Highemp's eyes to Geb's entrails, castrating him*

Geb: Owie. . .

Schrimanor: (who is dueling Geb’s character at Highemp’s website, the High Citadel (http://pub26.ezboard.com/bhighcitadel)[/shameless plug]) Aw, dangit, Highemp, why'd you have to do that? Now what's left for me?

Highemp: Sorry, ol' chum.

Palpatine: Hey! I thought /I/ was your ol' chum!

Highemp: You both are. Schrimanor, is after all, modeled after you, in many ways.

Geb: After me?

Highemp: No, Schrimanor isn't castrated.

Palpatine: After me! *mutters* Bloody eejit. . .

Geb: Who ya calling a bloody eejit?

Palpatine: Er. . . LOOK OVER THERE! *he gebs it*

Highemp: Hey, come back here, you coward! I won't have you enspoiling the name of despots everywhere! *glows as energy crackles angrily around him* PALPATINE! GET. BACK. HERE!

Palpatine: Eep? *wets his robes*

Schrimanor: Oy. *wets his power armour*

Geb: Yowza. *tries to wet his pants, but can't, cuz he's castrated*

Highemp: Man, I'm good. I'm on fire!

Geb: *dumps a bucket of water on Highemp*

*water evaporates against energy field surrounding Highemp*

Geb: Your loss, you're the one on fire...

*Highemp turns his glare onto Geb*

Geb: Eep? *so scared, he wets his pants defying all natural laws*

Highemp: Me? In DANGER? You DARE suggest that /I/ could be in danger!

Geb: *points to point in Saga where Highemp is shot in the heart and is nearly killed*

Highemp: Oh. Er, right.

Geb: *scratches head* Wait, how did I know that?

Voice from Heavens: B/c I, the Writer, have written it into the script!

Geb: But this isn't NeS!

Voice from Heavens: . . .

Or is it...? *insert Unsolved Mysteries theme*

Geb's Advocate: We will sue you for plagiarizing NeS!

Voice from Heavens' Advocate: But then I will sue NeS for plagiarizing everything else!

Geb: *to advocate* He's got a point there.

Judge: Doesn't matter to me, s'long as I get paid. . .

Geb: I plead insanity!

Geb's Advocate: Jabba - er, Voice from Heavens and advocate, this is your last chance. Surrender. . . or die.

Geb: *whispering* What are you doing?

*Geb thinks, [/I]Who is my advocate again...?[/I]*

Geb's Advocate: *whispering back* Hoping desperately that you have a spare plot hole to save us.

Judge: Insanity plea granted.

Geb: W00t! *draws a moustache and goatee on the judge and bounces away, going "woohoohoohoo..."*
Judge: You will live at the rest of your life in an asylum. Arkham Asylum. *continuing* In keeping with the Arkham tradition, we will throw acid on your face and dye your hair green, and put toxic plant sap on your lips.

Geb: But that's for the criminally insane! What of the difference between criminal and civil suits?

Judge: Oh, right. Well, unless you bribe me, I can't get you anywhere else.

Geb's Advocate: I recommend bribing him.

Geb: But I don't swing that way...

Judge: Good Lord! That's not what I meant!

Geb: Uh-huh, I know...your secret is safe with me and your closet...

Geb's Advocate: Here's $10,000. Bribe him with this.

Geb: Where did you get that?

Geb's advocate: Uh...

Meanwhile, a family is now on the streets, having their bank account mysteriously wiped out...

Geb: Here ya go, your dishonor.

Judge: Why thank you. *runs fingers through bills* Alright, I'll get you life chained to the audience of Shadowlord's Reality Show of Doooooooom!

Geb: Noooooooooooooo!

Geb's Advocate: *pulls off mask, revealing that he's Highemp* Muahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

Geb: But wait--aren't there women on that show? so it's like porn, yes?

Highemp: Yes, but you're forever restricted to watching them be pleased by another man, who is incredibly virile.

Shadowlord: I'll say. It's a skyscraper.

Highemp: AND you're castrated, so you can't derive any enjoyment out of naked women, anyway.

Geb: Oh right.

Highemp: You will have all the memories of sexual enjoyment tantalizing you with no way to actualize them! Muahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

Geb: There could be worse things.

Highemp: Like what?

Geb: Like being in an asylum full of criminally insane super villains

Judge: Oh, didn't we mention it? The inmates of Arkham Asylum have all signed up for the new therapy program. They're joining you in the audience.

Highemp: And THEY ain't castrated.

Geb: Oh boy--audience participation…

Judge: So we're still dyeing your hair green and throwing acid on your face.

Geb: Well, I still at least get my one phone call. true, I'd probably waste my call on ordering pizza rather than calling someone to bail me out...

Highemp: It gets worse.

Geb: Of course. *yawn*

Highemp: We are doing reconstructive surgery on you to turn you into. . .

*drum roll*

Highemp: APATHIS! THE EPITOME OF YOUR WORST NIGHTMARE!

Geb: *raises eyebrow*

Highemp: Oh, come on, Geb, we all know how apathy is your worst fear and your greatest evil.

Geb: How do I look like Apathis AND the Joker, now? And I already look pretty much like him--it's his personality I fear, not his appearance.

Judge: We're doing reconstructive surgery on your BRAIN, idiot. With that $10,000 you gave me.

Geb: I see. well that's not really in my hands then, is it? It's not like I've CHOSEN to become Apathis--I'm being forced too. Thus my conscience is clean.

Voice from Heavens: Work WITH me here! We will make you apathetic to everything except for the fact that you ARE apathetic, so you will hate yourself and everything. . . forever!

Geb: At least do something like "You must either choose to be apathetic OR we'll kill your family,” or something like that

Highemp: Hey, I don't nose in on your stuff, don't nose on my expertise, like mentally reconstructive surgery. This will reconfigure your brain so it works.

Geb: I didn't know you were an expert. . . :-P

Highemp: /I'm/ not, but the Joker here is.

Geb: I see.

The Joker: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha! *comes forward with wickedly sharp instruments*

Geb: There is still good in you Mark Hamill! no wait....

The Joker: *draws green and purple lightsaber*

Geb: *picks up his castrated manhood and holds it in en garde position* I feel the good in you, Mark Hamill. . . the conflict.

The Joker/Mark Hamill: There is no conflict. . .

Geb: *sigh* And of course, my manhood is more useless than a toothpick, yes?

Voice from Heavens: Yes, quite right.

Geb: I think I could write this script...

Mark Hamill: *stabs lightsaber up Geb's nose and goes into aggressive negotiations with his brain*

Geb: Ouch.

(In the audience) Natalie Portman: *aside* “Aggressive negotiations”?

(In the audience, sitting next to Portman) Darth Vader: *aside* Negotiations with a lightsaber.

Natalie Portman: Ahhhhh.

Mark Hamill: *reconfigures Geb's brain with lightsaber, forming him into Apathis*

Geb: With a lightsaber--impressive!

*of course, by the time he's done, Geb's face is a mess. . .*

------------------
Quest on epic adventures or duel at the High Citadel (http://pub26.ezboard.com/bhighcitadel)!

[Gebohq]

Ad interim...

*closes thesaurus*

Take THAT "meanwhile!"

*cough*

Back at NeSU, Gebohq walks away from his Storywriting class.

Geb: Taking that class fustrates me sometimes.

Pyotr: I don't see why it should.

Geb: Easy for you to say... I don't believe a writer should be disinterested in their work anyways. I don't care if some famous French guy said so or not.

Pyotr: I've read your stuff in class. It sucks. Does it even have a plot?

Geb: Who cares? As long as it's got a good story, why get hung up on details?

Pyotr: I see now why you majored in Fighting Arts...*rolls eyes*

Geb: Hey! I resemble that remark... well I have better things to do! I'm off to take the trials for the upcoming competition.

Pyotr: That's a laugh! Good luck!

*Pyotr walks away, leaving Gebohq continuing on his way to his entrance trial into the upcoming competition.*

[Gebohq]

"Antloveben Purwad Timlybio Tops!"

Unscramble the letters to reveal a familiar and helpful friend of NeS! What would we ever do without you...

(NSP: I'm slowly working on doing the cliffnotes version of NeS... ever so slowly... only on page 3? Oh dear...

EDIT: Assuming that GA Farrant's post within the first post of NeS was the 131st post, as he infers to concerning the original content of NeS beforehand (which is most likely forever lost http://forums.massassi.net/html/frown.gif) NeS, including its lost origins, would be at 1824 replies and not 1645 posts. Just an interesting tid-bit.

If you all have any particular requests you'd like for the NeS cliffnotes, please tell http://forums.massassi.net/html/smile.gif I'll do my best to include what you want.)

[This message has been edited by Gebohq (edited April 19, 2003).]

[CookedHaggis]

BUMP

[I would post you know, but I've got a doctor's certificate excusing me. True story.]

------------------

[shade]

roight, not the long post I promised, just some bothersome little bit of fun.
------------
as GAlrek wandered aimlessly away from the squatting viking, he tripped and fell flat on his face.
Small Useless Device That Goes Bing:"BING!"
Galrek:"what are you?"
SUDTGB:"Bing?"
Galrek:"do you say anything but Bing?"
SUDTGB:"bing. bing bing bing BING bing biNG!"
GAlrek:"hmm...maybe I'll find somebody who might find a good use for you."
making another of those semi-momental decisions, Galrek picks up the SUDTGB and puts it in his pocket, where it begins Bing'ing loudly. Galrek decides it is afraid of the dark and takes it out, looks at it for a second, and then sets it on his shoulder.
SUDTGB:"Bing. bing bing."
--------------
I seem to remember something that went bing involved in the storyline. figured it should be just as involved as everyone else.

------------------
In The beginning the universe was created.
this has made a lot of people angry and been widely viewed as a big mistake.

[Gebohq]

Oy, I need to take a break. Computer?

&lt;&lt;...zzzz.....*has "Do Not Disturb" in 3-D text bouncing on its screen*&gt;&gt;

WAKE UP!

&lt;&lt;...huh? What?&gt;&gt;

Narrate this post for me. I need a break.

&lt;&lt;Do I have to?&gt;&gt;

Lazy bum...don't make log you in to #NeS!

&lt;&lt;AHH! Ok ok, I'll do it, yeesh...&gt;&gt;

&lt;&lt;SETTING: NeSU, some years ago. It's a well-organized lecture hall with a waitering class in session. CookedHaggis enters the hall (quite a wreck) finding a seat with little grace, drawing a lot of attention to himself. The professor, appalled at this, stops his class to address CookedHaggis.&gt;&gt;

Prof: Would you care to explain your rude and tardy arrival, Mr....?

Haggis: Uh, CookedHaggis. I, uh--

Prof: Nevermind! I don't want to hear your excuses. Can you tell me the first rule in being a waiter?

Haggis: Uh...serve the right food to the right person?

*The class laughs and snickers at his response. The teacher rolls his eyes.*

Prof: Customer service! My word, do you know nothing of being a waiter?

Haggis: Isn't the purpose of this class to learn that? Why would I take a class in something I already know how to do?

Prof: Don't talk back! Now sit down and shut up before I kick you out!

Haggis: Yes sir...

&lt;&lt;CookedHaggis sits down at his seat with his papers, sinking low to perhaps be less noticed, his face tensing in troubled thoughts.

And Haggis actually thought you were suppose to learn stuff in college. Ha! Good thing he did not take up programming! Signing off then...&gt;&gt;

[Tracer]

(NSP: You might want to check out that internet archive thing.)

*In the campus' recreation complex, Gebohq is busting out his moves in preparation for the hero contest, which is fast approaching. The room is filled with other nervous would-be heroes, curious onlookers, and those judging the event.*

Gebohq: (huffing) "So then I hit him with one of these..."

*Geb clocks a nearby punching bag.*

Gebohq: "...And then when he goes to recover, I'll smack him upside the head, like this..."

*Geb smacks the punching bag upside the head.*

Gebohq: "...And after he falls down, I'll offer to help him up. If he accepts, I say, 'You're welcome...jerk!' and then beat him in the head with this two-by-four."

*Sarn and JediKirby blink.*

Gebohq: "Well, what do you think of my hero routine? Pretty good, eh?"

Sarn: "Geb, there's more to being a hero than violence and witty comments -"

Gebohq: "I know, but don't worry - I've had plenty of time to practise getting the girl and basking in glory."

Sarn: "Geb, I'm not quite sure how to put this to you, but I don't think you're ready for this competition."

Gebohq: "Oh?"

Sarn: "Lately, whenever I discuss the material from class with you, I've been feeling that you're just not getting it."

Gebohq: "Sometimes I fall asleep during the lectures. But it's okay, I watch McGuyver."

Sarn: "This isn't about punching out the villian. It's a practical examination of heroic technique - look around you, Geb. Do you see anyone else packing a block of wood?"

*Geb takes in the scene around him. In one corner, several students are quizzing one another on negotiation tactics. In another, students run final checks over high-tech gear. Amidst all this, some students sit cross legged, rapt in meditation.*

JediKirby: "Cripes! He's right!"

Gebohq: "...I...what'll I do? I don't know anything about being a hero! I'll be the laughingstock of the campus for sure!"

Sarn: "Don't worry, old friend. There's still time to cover the basics..."

*Sarn pulls out a copy of 'The Hero's Handbook" and passes it to a crestfallen Geb.*

Sarn: "And with a little ingenuity, you'll be able to pull through. I know it."

Gebohq: (grins)) "I knew I could count on you. Let's cram."

Dean Stockwell: (through bullhorn) "Contestants, take your marks! I say again, take your marks!"

Gebohq: "Crap."

*Cue the Rocky theme as Geb stoically marches to the starting line, prepared to meet his destiny with all the courage and raw strength he can muster. Time seems to slow down as the contestants assemble, waiting for the signal to begin. Dean Stockwell points his pistol at the sky, and fires.*

------------------
******.

[Tracer]

*In what is very likely the situation's first ever recorded occurance, Geb 'Gebs' it.*

Dean Stockwell: "It is my pleasure to present this year's winner of the Never-ending University Annual Heroics Contest with this gold medal. Congradulations, young man!"

Enchilida Man: "Heeey, it is my pleasure to be here, old man!"

*The Enchilida Man flashes his winning smile to the cheering audience as Dean Stockwell drapes a medallion over his shoulders. From the sidelines, Sarn and Kirby help a battered Geb to his feet.*

Gebohq: "I guess the two-by-four wasn't such a great idea after all..."

Sarn: "Well, now you know why nobody else tried to pull that trick."

JediKirby: "Don't be so down on yourself, Gebby. What do you say to drinks on me at the local pub?"

Gebohq: "No thanks...I've got to start studying if I ever hope to graduate. No more wild parties for me."

JediKirby: "What about you, Sarn? Care to dance the night away with the ladies?"

Sarn: "Uh, no thanks. I'll walk Geb home."

JediKirby: "Then what will I do this evening? I can't party without you guys!"

Sarn: "...You could study. You know, for your courses."

*Sarn and Gebohq head for the rec. complex's exit.*

JediKirby: "I don't have any courses. I don't even know why I'm here."

*Suddenly, a black fighter jet smashes through the complex's wall and tears it's way across the floor. Screaming students dive out of the jet's way as it embeds itself in the podium, tragically crushing Enchilida Man! Before the smoke can clear, the jet's hatch hisses open and The Last True Evil leaps out, primed for action.*

The Last True Evil: "Finally! My plan to travel back in time and kill Gebohq, who has defeated me time and again in the future, has succeeded! I dance a jig upon your corpse!"

English Professor: "Actually, if the events you just described have yet to occur, your usage of the word 'finally' would be incorrect."

TLTE: "Silence!"

*TLTE whips out a pistol and blows the professor away.*

TLTE: "Now, to return to my native timeline and wreak uninterrupted havoc..."

Dean Stockwell: "Hold it right there, pal. Just who do you think you are, flying around in your fancy jetplane and crushing that Spanish boy? Because believe you me, there is going to be an accounting for all of this, or my name isn't Dean Stockwell!"

TLTE: "Wait...what do you mean, Spanish? Gebohq is caucasian..."

*Seizing the moment, TLTE grabs the Dean and brandishes his pistol.*

TLTE: "I am going to ask you a series of questions, which you will answer in as simple and forthright a manner as possible. Question number one -"

Gebohq: "Put him down, you criminal, or I'll put you down."

TLTE: "Aha. Ahaha. So there you are, Gebohq. Quite a humorous statement, considering that I weild a loaded firearm and you a broken piece of wood."

Gebohq: "I heard what you said. If I defeated you before, I can do it again. Now. In the past."

TLTE: "But that's the beauty of this latest plan...or should I say, my earliest plan? Bwahahaha!"

*TLTE gives a maniacal laugh as he releases Dean Stockwell and points the gun at Geb.*

TLTE: "You see, my dear Gebohq, in the future, you have proven to be the greatest impediment to my various schemes. I always reach the brink of success, only to be stopped by you and your NeS cohorts."

*Slowly, Geb advances towards the remains of the podium.*

TLTE: "But not this time. Although I over-estimated your tenacity as a hero (indicates the crushed podium) I came prepared for any contingency, any eventuality. Including the off-chance that you might escape my initial assault."

*Geb stands poised, meters from the foot of the podium.*

TLTE: "So goodbye, Gebohq. Without your compatriots, there truly is noone to save you now."

*Time slows to a crawl. TLTE squeezes the trigger, kinetic energy running from his finger to the trigger and through the action. Ever so sluggishly, the hammer snaps backwards. In the same instant, Gebohq, arm upraised, flicks his wrist, launching his single projectile on its trajectory. Time speeds up.*

JediKirby: "Noooooo!"

*Even more suddenly than before, the wall to the podium's rear is utterly demolished, the portruding bow of a Viking Longship batting aside the heavy concrete. The ship skids into the wrecked podium, crushing Dean Stockwell, TLTE's jet and TLTE.*

Viking Captian: "For sooth, we have reached our destination!"

Viking Sage: "Did not I say that the winds would blow true?"

Drunken Viking: "Land ho!"

*The perpetually Drunken Viking falls off the ship. Geb's block of wood bounces uselessly against the hull.*

------------------
******.

[This message has been edited by Tracer (edited April 21, 2003).]

[Gebohq]

(NSP: I just tried, Tracer, and unless my searching skills are not good enough to find it, which it may well be, it would seem that it didn't save anything from the Massassi forums before October of 1999 http://forums.massassi.net/html/frown.gif

And do I smell a plothole? Enchilada Man crushed in the past, the Viking ship seeming to diverge from the Statue of Liberty so quickly, about THREE occurances of songs and such that came out like, only a year or 2 ago... http://forums.massassi.net/html/biggrin.gif)

[shade]

seeing as how Galrek didn't come into existance for a great number of years to come, yes! definate plot hole. I'll post later this afternoon when I have time...now to go learn things...*shudders*

------------------
In The beginning the universe was created.
this has made a lot of people angry and been widely viewed as a big mistake.

[Tracer]

<font face="Verdana, Arial" size="2">And do I smell a plothole? Enchilada Man crushed in the past, the Viking ship seeming to diverge from the Statue of Liberty so quickly, about THREE occurances of songs and such that came out like, only a year or 2 ago... )

</font>

No no, see, technically it's okay for Enchilada Man to get killed, because TLTE's actions occurred apart from the regular NeS time continuum. It's not a plothole, it's just a case of TLTE mucking with time-travel (again http://forums.massassi.net/html/biggrin.gif). As for the Vikings, well, I decided to skip their exciting and perilous voyage from New York and get straight to my point.

No plotholes, just standard oddness. But now we can have a special side adventure about Enchilada Man's return.

And what songs are you talking about? I'm confused.

------------------
******.

[Gebohq]

(NSP: Not in your post, Tracer, but in some past ones from Ford and Highemperor and such. I mostly brought it up in hopes os sparking ideas for people who might need it, since I wasn't quite sure where to go at this point. Enchilada's Man return ain't a bad one, hmmm... if only I could think right now http://forums.massassi.net/html/wink.gif)

[JediKirby]

No one's as interested with the NeS pages as I am, are they? There are still a bunch of pages to be taken by everyone. A matter of a fact, everyone choose a page, and it's yours. This might be a good backtracking kind of thing. I'll fix this list when people start taking pages.

1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
19
20
21
22
23
24
25
26
27
28
29
30
31
32
33
34
35
36
37
38
39
40
41
42-Kirby

While Supplies Last

------------------
Epic: Episode I TC, Epic: Podracing Mod MP/SP, Epic: Starbattles Mod MP/SP (http://www.jedinights.com/e21tc/)

[CookedHaggis]

&lt;&lt;The Professor places an LP onto a record player and is about to place the needle on the disc&gt;&gt;

Prof: Obviously the use of vinyl rather than so called "compact discs" is self evident...

*The class laughs. Except for CookedHaggis, who looks around in surprise and confusion*

CookedHaggis: Um..........ahahaha...

*Of course, by the time he actually laughs, everyone else has stopped, so his laughter cuts through the post-hilarity silence, causing everyone to turn around and look at him*

CookedHaggis: Uh...very amusing...umm...

Prof: Quite.

*The professor places the needle on the disc, and after the intial mild scratching noise, that classical music bit from 2001: A Space Odyssey starts playing*

Prof: Ah, Strauss, someone I assume you are all familiar with. Remember, a waiter is a pupil of the fine arts, and should always be on hand to identify and suggest to any prospective client. You, Hagrid, what is this piece?

Haggis: It's Haggis sir.

Prof: No you fool, it isn't.

Haggis: My name sir.

Prof: A waiter has no use of names; "sir" and "madam" are quite sufficient in all cases. Now, identify this, which is I might add, one of Strauss's most famous pieces...

Haggis: Er...that one from 2001: A Space Odyssey?

Prof: *sigh* I think you should come and see me after class...

------------------

[Gebohq]

(NSP: *in response to jk's post*

Shwa? Time-sharing? What is this?

*is horribly confused*)

[This message has been edited by Gebohq (edited April 22, 2003).]

[Tracer]

(I think he's talking about the cliffnotes...he's offering to cover page 42)



------------------
******.

[Gebohq]

(NSP: Well if that's the case, I can use all the help I can get. I've already done 1 and 2, and covering the TACC sidestory and pages 35-40 would be easy enough, as a lot of it was already done in an e-mail beforehand. But yeah--just e-mail anything to neswriters@hotmail.com and I'll compile it. Otherwise, I'll continue to slowly cover it chronologically.)

[TheTwistedSpasm]

First, there was light. Then an EMP went off, and there was darkness. Out of this darkness came the 'new/old character queue.' This is a place for new characters who wish for participation, and old characters with irresponsible writers who dissapear for as much as a year. Inside this queue, a form appears. It solidifies a little, then fades out, then solidifies, like a transporter accident waiting to happen. Finally, the solidification (say that five times fast) is complete, and TheTwistedSpasm is in the queue.

Spasm: Well, that was fun! One minute, your in the middle of the story, then, it's blackness! Hm, what is this place?

R.A.M.: *shouting* Hey, where's the stoty?!

Spasm: Shut up, you twit! The events of my existance are far more important than any stupid story!

*Little does Spasm know that the more he expresses such views, the smaller his chances of actually re-entering the story become.*

Spasm: Er, um, I'm sorry R.A.M., you're right, the story is more important. If it's all right with you, we'll just cue a fade, and then cut back to the story. Sound good?

R.A.M.: *sort of apologetic* Yeah, eh, ok.

Well, this is a unique twist! One of the most useless characters has returned! Will this create plot holes, or will all go well? Will people actually read this? And why, after the absence of a narrator for many posts, has one returned? Doh!

(NSP: Perhaps a few of you will remember me. I'm the obnoxious rat who appeared and dissapeared not once, but twice! So, I'm back again, and sadly, I have almost no idea what's going on. Perhaps someone could tell me where I'm most useful, and in the meantime, I'll attempt to bring myself up to speed(I've been AWOL from Massassi in general for a few months, so I REALLY am lost here)?)

[JediKirby]

Does anyone read my posts? I scatered the pages all across the floor and they could be in the hands of anyone. The NeS story is LOST! That's right, our existence is in the hands of our existence. So choose a page! Who wants to have the page where JK first comes in? Or the crazy Matress incident...? You can own your own page today! (Read my post if it REALLY doesn't get through to you now)

JediKirby

------------------
Epic: Episode I TC, Epic: Podracing Mod MP/SP, Epic: Starbattles Mod MP/SP (http://www.jedinights.com/e21tc/)

[Gebohq]

(NSP: Ummm... help? From what I understand, the combination of jEDIkIRBY's concept and Highemperor's latest post has created what is potentially the largest, paradoxical, epic theme yet. One which I'm finding hard to work without practically disregarding it, and I've managed to organize most of TEW (http://forums.massassi.net/html/Forum7/HTML/000203.html) and the series in development... Just letting you all in on my position of utter lostitude. Hehe, lostitude...

Still, maybe I'll be able to work with it yet, or perhaps someone else will find a way. Until then though--)

--------------------------------------------
Random NeSU student #42
PHIL 333 SECTION 1010
HW #5 - The Nature of Big Stuff

What is the answer to Life, the Universe, and Everything? This never-ending search has plagued humanity for all of history, since the beginning of Creation. Since I spent the last week playing video games, I do not have the time or energy to pretend I know what I am talking about. Instead, I say this:

The answer is over-rated. The search is what really matters. If you hope it's good, love the good, have faith it is good, then it is good. The rest is out of your hands, so to worry over it would be impractical.

At least I keep telling myself that everytime I have to answer one of these papers...
--------------------------------------------

What the-- How'd this get in NeS? To hell with your clumsiness, jEDIkIRBY!

(NSP: And welcome back, Spasm. You're most useful pretty much anywhere as of right now. Hopefully you'll ACTUALLY return...)

[This message has been edited by Gebohq (edited April 25, 2003).]

[TheTwistedSpasm]

*...Geb's block of wood bounces uselessly against the hull. There is a moment of utter silence, and then distant footsteps sound. TheTwistedSpasm enters through an unobtrusive side door. Clad not in his garish, obnoxious 70s era clothing, he wears a striking black suit, and has a determined look in his deep, wonderful, perfectly hazel- er, narrowed eyes.

Spasm: Everybody down! *brandishes a two-tonw Heckler and Koch USP .45 caliber pistol*

Everybody: Ok! *they all drop*

Spasm: I'm an agent with the S.S.T.T.A. *flashes snazzy badge*, and I'm here to repair some damage to the speakered timeline.

R.A.M.: SSTTA?

Spasm: Super-Secret-Time-Travel-Agency, you twit. Now shut up!

R.A.M.: hmph.

Drunken Viking: Who be thee?

Spasm: *eyes the Vikings suspiciously* just how shelved up is this?

JediKirby: I honestly don't know for sure.

Spasm: Uh-huh. And your role in all this is?

JediKirby: I've been saying this all day! I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING!

Spasm: *does funky eyebrow thing* Obviously. Wait, why the banana do I hear the Rocky theme?

JediKirby: I DON'T KNOW!!!

Sem: It's the universal theme of underdogs.

Spasm: Ok. *finally holsters his sidearm* So, I'm guessing I'm a little late?

(NSP: Just for the record, my character is cynical, pessimistic, egotistical, and grossly over-confident(I refuse to respond to those questioning how those traits really go together). He also has a bad sense of humor, likes to call people twits, AND uses unlikely words in place of curses. Just so everybody knows.)

[IS_ford1342]

(NSP:Hi there! im amy and im filling in for Ford. Ford is a lazy ******* and keeps saying hes dry on ideas. i think hes a lazy *******. but thats besides the point. read on!)

*in the Writers Realm*

AmyGreentheWriter: ugh*streatch*...oi...too much tequila...i should cut back, seing as how they dont pay me around here.... hey wazzis?

*AtW picks up a letter that was shoved under her door. opening it she finds there are 6 $100 bills and a short letter. it reads:...*


<font face="Verdana, Arial" size="2">From the desk of Geb S. Ohq, Writers Teamleader
Friday, April 25, 2003


Dear Amy,
Ford was just put in rehab for creative withdrawl. he was super productive over the weekend and crashed sometime wednesday. He's in sorry shape. he thinks the CIA got to him--thats the Creativity Inhibition Association, not the other one-- and that they were trying to shut him up. i need you to fill for him. enclosed is $600. its all we can afford to pay you at the moment, but congratulations, you're now a full staff member. make us proud.

Sincerely,
Gebohq</font>

*the signiature is very fancy with lots of swirls and flourishes. it looks like he spent more time on that than the letter itself, leading amy to believe that he spends most of his days practicing his signiature.*

AtW: Awesome! time to get some Tequila!

*36 hours later*

AtW:...*moan*...oi...

*just then AntetheWriter bursts in*

AntetW: hey whats going on here? well, its pretty obvious that your lying anked on the floor surrounded by four...fif..sixteen bottles of Jose Cuervo. SIXTEEN! jesus! you must have the constituion of a whale!

AtW: im irish.

AntetW: well that explains that. but that doesnt explain where you got the money for all of this.

*AtW feebly points to the letter. AntetW stares at it in disbelief*

AntetW: this is an outrage! Gebs never put me as full staff memeber! this is a sexist operation. im going to storm into his office right now!

*antetw storms off*

AtW: that reminds me, i should write that post...

*amy sits down and starts to write: Meanwhile, elsewhere...*

Ante: so then i said to him, next time dont leave the chicken in the rain!

*Ante, Amy and Katiana are sitting in a lounge at the NeSU Student Union. at antes last word everyone bursts out laughing. just then, one of the professors walks up to them.*

Fanfare: TROJAN MAAAAAN!

Professer Man: hi there kids. sounds like youre having problems in the bedroom.

Ante, Amy and Kat: Uh...not really.

PM: i bet you could use one of these! Trojans new Bubber Rubbers! its revolutionary bubble wrap design gives the man maximum protection for his fragile member, while still pleaseing her.


A,A&K: *gape*...

PM: You kids have fun, and remember ot play it safe.

Fanfare: TROJAN MAAAAN!

*Professer Trojan man walks away followed by a boombox with legs.*

Amy: did we just get a sales pitch for bubble wrap from a disembodied arm?

Kat: ...

Ante: ...

Amy: kay. just checking.

[This message has been edited by IS_ford1342 (edited April 26, 2003).]

[This message has been edited by IS_ford1342 (edited April 26, 2003).]

[shade]

still clueless as to what he wanted to do, Galrek stumbled into the Auditorium where the awards ceremony was being held, intending to just settle down and do nothing useful or meaningful for the next few minutes. but this simple intent, was once again profound and eventful. for as he walked in, his foot hit a small chunk of rock, causing him to stumble and pitch forward, hurling the SUDTGB across the room and into the small of Gebohq's back. standing up, Galrek walked over to pick it up, and came face to face with a strange fellow with a dark suit on.
Spasm:"who are you?"
Galrek:"I'm me! who are you?"

------------------
In The beginning the universe was created.
this has made a lot of people angry and been widely viewed as a big mistake.

[Krig the Viking]

*Just then, as everyone is standing in confused silence, a violent and mysterious gust of wind blows a bunch of pages into the room. Forty-Two of them, to be exact.*

Geb: "Gee, somebody's messy around here."

JediKirby: "The lost pages of NeS! We're not doomed after all!"

Krig: "White birdies! Krig eat!"

*The grammatically challenged Viking leaps from the grounded Norse sailing ship, and grabs a paper out of the air. He eats it with relish. And by relish, I mean he enjoyed it, not that he put hot dog relish on it. This of course causes JediKirby some consternation.*

JediKirby: "Aaaah! Don't eat that! You'll kill us all!"

*Krig chases after the papers fluttering around in the air, and continues to catch and eat them. JediKirby begins chasing Krig, trying to get him to stop. Geb and Sarn stand by, trying to figure out what's going on.*

Geb: "Ok, so that guy who was in the jet is an enemy of mine from the future, and he plans to stop me from winning this competition because he's jealous of me?"

Sarn: "No, you already lost the competition, and I think he plans to kill you to stop your future self from existing and foiling his evil plans."

Geb: "But wouldn't that create a time-paradox that would annihilate the universe as we know it?"

Sarn: "Hey, I didn't say it was a good plan..."

Geb: "Ok, and who's the guy in the suit?"

Sarn: "Weren't you listening? He's a Time Cop, come to stop that guy from the future from destroying history's continuity!"

Geb: "Ok, ok, I think I can buy that. But why is there a ship full of Vikings protruding from that wall over there? And why is one of them trying to eat those pieces of paper floating around?"

Sarn: "Yes, that does seem a bit unusual..."

*Just then, Krig closes in on the last piece of paper floating around, and grabs it. He brings it towards his mouth, about to devour it. From underneath the Viking ship, a rather crushed TLTE calls out panickedly.*

TLTE: "No! Not that page! That's Page 42! That's the page we're on now! You'll destroy us all!"

*The short and hairy Viking, not paying attention to TLTE, chomps down on the paper and chews it up, and swallows it. There is silence from the onlookers.*

Spasm: "Well, this is not very desking good."

*With a monumentous roar, there is a blinding white flash, and the entire universe dissapears. Everything is destroyed. This causes some consternation amidst our heroes, who weren't expecting that. After the explosion clears, the people who had been standing in the recreational facilities of the NeSU now find themselves standing in a swirling mass of light of all different colours, like the inside of a rainbow. A really strange, swirling, dizzying rainbow of doom. Geb, Sarn, JediKirby, TLTE, Spasm, Galrek, Dr. Dor, and Krig and his fellow Viking brothers are all there, as well as anybody I've forgotten. A flock of rubber duckies flies gracefully overhead.*

Geb: "Um... Are we dead?"

Sarn: "I would have thought being dead would be different from this..."

Enchilada Man: "This is not death -- this is what the inside of a plot hole looks like!"

Geb: "Enchilada Man! I thought you were dead!"

Enchilada Man: "Yes, I was. But I was killed before I even appeared in this story for the first time. So I wound up here. How did you amigos get here?"

Geb: "That little Viking over there destroyed the universe."

Enchilada Man: "During a flashback scene, right? Before NeS even began? Yeah, that'd do it, alright."

*Just then, a mysterious figure approaches the rather confused group of heroes-in-training and others. It emits a sinister laugh, which is suspiciously high-pitched and squeaky.*

Sinister Figure: "Ahahahaha! At long last, I have defeated you, oh Gebohq and Friends, Defenders of the NeS! Your precious 'Never-ending Story' has finally met its match! It has come to an end, finally, at long last, etc! Ahahahahaha!"

Geb: "Who are you?"

Sinister Figure: "Why Geb -- don't you recognise me? I am insulted! Behold, your conquerer!"

*The Sinister Figure steps forward, revealing -- Pyotr Hussien! But wait, it's not Pyotr Hussien at all! It's--*

Pyotr: "Yes, it is I, your arch-nemesis, Bill Gates! I have returned at long last! Ahahahahaha!"

Geb: "Bill who?"

Pyotr: "Gates! Bill Gates! Richest man in the world? Plans on taking over the world?"

Geb: "Doesn't ring a bell."

Pyotr: "Bill Gates! Perhaps you know me better as Pyotr Hussien? Your fellow student? Arch-nemesis?"

Geb: "I have an arch nemesis?"

Pyotr: "Yes! Don't you remember?"

Geb: "Umm... Sorry, no."

*At this point, Pyotr/Bill goes into a sort of rage and says all sorts of nasty things that we're not allowed to reproduce here, but suffice it to say you would be shocked to hear even Tony Soprano on HBO's The Sopranos saying things like this. After a while he calms down and regains his composure.*

Bill Gates: "No matter. All you need to know is -- I am the EeP! The Ever-ending Plot! I have destroyed you all!"

Geb: "Ever-ending Plot? Why does that sound familiar?"

Sarn: "Wait, how does that work? Wouldn't something that's eternally ending never actually come to an end? It'd just keep going and going, like when you're trying to say goodbye to someone you don't like, and they keep talking, and you keep trying to get away, but they won't let you, and it keeps going and not ending..."

Bill Gates: "Silence! You will not bother me with your 'logic'! I no longer have need for that! I am the Eep!"

Egad! This is certainly a new twist! With our Heroes trapped inside of a plot-hole, and the Universe destroyed, how will things ever return to normal? Surely they have to at some point, right? Will our Heroes defeat the Eep, Bill Gates, and save NeS from ending? Will Krig continue to eat random things? If the Universe gets destroyed during a flashback, what happens to the people *having* the flashback? And how exactly does Highemperor fit into all this? Find out some of these things and probably less, next time on NeS: An Irresistible Force meets an Immovable Object!

(OOC: Sorry if this veers off dramatically from what ya had planned, JedKirb, but hey, that's the nature of NeS, as Geb will tell you if you let him. Long live NeS!)

------------------
"Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society." --Mark Twain

[The MAZZTer]

MZZTtH: Carp.

* The Mega-ZZTer the Hero has just said "Carp" because he has been floading through a plot hole for the last ten pages. Why is this? Let's go to MZZTtW and find out... *

A calm beach. MZZTtW is wearing a swimsuit, wearing sunglasses, and sitting in a beach chair, reading New Ideas from Dead Economists and sipping lemonade

* beep beep *

MZZTtW: *reads* ...

* BEEP BEEP *

MZZTtW: *grimises, still reads* ...

* BEEP BEEP *

MZZTtW: *sighs, picks up his cell phone from his bag* Hello, you've reached Joe's Pizza. What'dya want?

GebtW: MZZT! Why haven't you posted anything?

MZZTtW: *Throws down his book and sits up straight* Oh! Geb, uh...

GebtW: I'm gonna fire you if you don't turn in something by tomarrow.

MZZTtW: Um... Well.. *starts crying* Geb! I'm working another job now, my wife and kids are threatening to leave me, it's just horrible...

GebtW: Oh, sorry, I didn't know it was that way...

MZZTtW: *crying still* The cable company even cut off my T1 connection and cable service!

* Seagull cries overhead *

GebtW: What was that?

MZZTtW: Uh... that was my youngest daughter. She's... uh.. 11 months old now.

GebtW: I thought you said a week ago you only had 3 sons?

MZZTtW: Ah... you must've dialed the wrong number then... well... anyways...

* A helicopter flies overhead *

GebtW: *sigh* Now what could that be?

MZZTtW: *nervously* What's what? Oh! I heard some static, that's all. Bad reception. My phone company is threatening to cut my service off, by the way.

GebtW: Well... take care of yourself, ok?

MZZTtW: Yeah, you too. Bye. *hangs up and stretches out in the sun, wondering how his $1,000,000 worth of stocks are doing.*

Hey! You there! Wake up!

MZZTtW: *starts* Gah! I'm awake God! What!

I'm not God

MZZTtW: *pulls a Stun Baton from his bag* Then where are you!?

Nowhere

MZZTtW: Then you're God.

NO

MZZTtW: Alright.. if you say so... God...

That's better... wait.. oh, never mind. Just know this: I am your conscience, and you must write a post for NeS.

MZZTtW: Why G... Conscience?

MZZTtH is getting impacient. Do you know where you left him?

MZZTtW: Ermm.. in a ...

plot...

MZZTtW: hole!

YES!

MZZTtW: Where again?

*shakes his invisible head, and leaves*

MZZTtW: Oh well *Brings out his laptop from his bag, and begins to type*. I gotta remember to get a bigger bag...

-=&lt; IN THE REALM OF THE HEROES... OR PLOT HOLES... OR SOMETHING &gt;=-

MZZTtH: AAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh *THWUMP*

Krig: Ow! Funny little Jedi man fall on Krig!

MZZTtH: ugg.. fuzzwup...

GebtH: Huh?

MZZTtH: Graaa... Someone get me an asprin...

Wow! What an exciting turn of events! What will happen next? Why did MZZTtH fall on Krig and not on Bill Gates? Why can't The Mega-ZZTer think of anything for me to say right now?!?! WELL TOO BAD!!! YOU'RE NEVER GONNA FIND OUT HAHAHA (Well, at least those last 2...)

[TheTwistedSpasm]

Spasm is utterly confused, but that doesn't stop him from trying to be a hero. He pulls out his two-tone Heckler and Koch USP .45 caliber pistol. He resolutely aims it at Bill Gates.

Spasm: We never met, but I've read about you. Suck THIS, you booking ductape!

JediKirby: NOOOOOOOO!

Spasm: What? Are you a twit?

JediKirby: No, I just like saying no. NOOOOOOOO! *runs into the blackness, screaming*

MZZTH: Huh. That's a convenient way to leave. *Yells* Bring back asprin!

*Spasm pulls the trigger*

Sem: Oh crap.

Bill Gates laughs. JediKirby reappears in the exact center of the plothole, taking a step forward. The bullet apears in the exact center of the plothole. JediKirby gets shot in his arse.

JediKirby: NOOOOOOOOOOO!

MZZTH: What, no apsrin?

Spasm: *shakes the pistol* I don't understand! I cleaned it yesterday... or was it years from now? oh keys.

Sem: You idiot. It's a plot hole. Nothing can leave the plothole.

JediKirby: *moans* oh shot, eh, ****. OUCH! *reaches back to feel the wound* WTF? Where's the hole in my butt?

Sem: That's another thing. Nothing ever makes sense in a plothole.

Bill: EXCUSE ME??? Does no one ever pay attention to villians anymore?

Spasm: Of all the microwaving...

meanwhile, in the writer's realm...

SpasmTW sits in a dark room, with only a computer, a refrigerator, a convection oven, and a lot of pop and frozen pizza to keep him company. He types madly on his computer, face beaded with perspiration. The lock on the door clicks, and GebTW storms in, looking quite miffed.

GebTW: Well?

SpasmTW: I'll have it finished in five minutes.

GebTW: *relaxes a little* Ok. I guess I'll go get you some more pizza then.

SpasmTW: Cool. *sighs with relief*

This is SpasmTW. I'm sneaking this into the story because Geb never proof-reads anything anymore. Anyway, I have just one thing to say: GET ME OUT OF HERE! Thank you.

(NSP: Erm, I REALLY am capable of higher-quality material than this, but recent events have me a bit confused. I could have sworn Bill Gates met an untimely end already? Although, I suppose that doesn't matter if he's the EEP, is that it?)

[roadmaster103]

Taking advantage of the situation at hand, RoadMaster the Writer wakes up and realizes that the Character(tm) Roadmaster is dead. That's gotta stink. Now, in the 80's, RM was 6. hmm... or would it be the present because that was a flashback, or would it be TLTE's time period? Ugh! so confusing...
Whatever.

Inside the plot hole, RM stands up. All the joints in his weak body creak and pop.

RM: Jeeze, I've been here for years or whatnot... I don't know.

Just then, he realizes that in the distance, finally, there is company. All the NES people are there. RM wonders if they can take him away from this horrid place. He runs towards them...

RM: Hey guys! It's me! the guy from page 39! I'm here!

Geb: Wha-

jEDIkIRBY: My arse! who is that guy? He looks like he's been here for 3 pages- er I mean, yeah.

Just then, TLTE realizes RM's presence and shoots him in the head.

TLTE: Ha! stupid plot hole dwellers! think they're all special or something. I sure showed that unarmed naked person whose boss.

RM: hehehe... I can't die here. The bullets don't exist really--

jEDIkIRBY: Oh, right. Then why does my a--

RM: As I was saying, the reason why I'm naked is becuase I tried to kill myself over and over, and the clothes just ripped to shards. I think. I don't remember.

-----------------------------------
ok... I'm back... I suppose.



------------------
Instant Message me on AIM: roadmaster103

[Antestarr]

*Antestarr floated above the rest of the characters, garbed in a prophets hooded robes. His legs were crossed and his hands held as if meditating.*

Ante: And lo, I say to thee, the absence of boundary has enlightened me. Though darkness has shadowed our world as a comet and a fleet of imperial cruisers... though a threat of y2k was found to be bullspit... though pizza could not be safely delivered... the spirit lived on. A chicken bone must have been captured. Jobs needed be secured. Tides of clowns and mimes were dashed upon the rocky shores of Yemen. Yet, one must ask: where did it begin. To say that it began in the arena with Ares is folley, for while that was the first record, it is known in this space that it is not the beginning.

However, the beginning is lost. It cannot be determined. Therefore, in this space, it does not exist. How then, Mr. Gates, could an end exist without a beginning?

EeP: Um... er... it... uh... just does!

Ante: Nay. I see clearly in the light of this existence. The Neverending Story is none other than the great ring. One with no beginnning and no end. Yet no repetition, as it continues to grow as I speak to you. Such that is "plot hole" is simply a chord along the ring. Though the ring may be distorted at times, it remains whole. On occasion it may join with the ring of writers, which may influence its bends and shapings. But on the whole it grows. And all that does not fit into the ring is within it, along those chords.

We are at the center. The convergence of "plot."

*The others stared around at one another, unsure of what this could mean. Amongst them, a large wooly mammoth fell atop Bill Gates.*

Ante: It seems this space is filled with all that should not be within our world. Yet all hinges on the stomach of one man. A man named Krig.

*Krig looked up, unsure as to why he was so important to this process.*

Ante: Think, Krig... use your vivid imagination to create a man. A man named Al Gore, who selfishly believes he created an electronic supernetwork of information known as "the internet." For it is in this space of nothing and everything in which lies a second transcript of our very lives...

------------------
"Ken wa kyouki. Kenjutsu wa satsujinjutsu. Donna kireigoto ya o-daimoku o kuchi ni ****e mo sore ga shinjitsu."
-Seijuro Hiko

[This message has been edited by Antestarr (edited April 27, 2003).]

[DrkJedi82]

Then suddenly the ground began to shake, not violently, but just enough for people to go "did you feel that?". Then without any warning a hole opened in the ground and from it came a being so evil it could only be referred to as Jim7.

Jim7: wraa!

everyone gasped and stared at this evil creature. Who is he? Where did he come from? These were only a few of the questions people were asking each other.

Jim7: Fear me not mortals for I am only here to get drunk, make music, and breed a new generation of hellspawn.

The people watched the evil being as he pulled from the hole a guitar, a bottle of vodka, and a mysteroius looking bag. Then, one of them spoke.

RM: Wait! ... Who are you?

Jim7: I am the most evil being in the universe.

random person form crowd: Bill Gates?

Jim7: NO! I am Lucifer, prince of darkness, lord of all that is unholy, the dark lord of satanic urinals, and i am here to have fun.

Jim7 then walks away into the shadows...

THE END... of my post

------------------
JUST DO IT!...

...tomorrow

[doomofglitter]

The characters stand around, looking massively confused by this turn of events. Spasm turns, and attempts whispering quietly to Geboq.

Spasm: Who was that? And what the macaroni was that floatey guy talking about?

*Geb rubs his ear, throwing the agent an irritated look*

Geboq: Stop that, it tickles. I dunno, something about a ring. Maybe he's-

Unfortunately, or perhaps fortunately, Geb never gets to finish his thought. Out of the twisting, swirling sky of a plothole falls...another Character(TM)! It lands in a heap on the ground with a loud THUMP, and closer inspection shows it to be a rather slopily dressed female, slowly beginning to wake up and, apparently, not at all happy with the turn of events.

New Character(TM): Ungh...

*she slowly stands, clutching her head, and looks around a bit bewilderedly*

NC: Great. Just my luck. I finally get into the story, only to land in a plothole. With Bill Gates. And...you all.

Who is this New Character(TM), spawned of a plothole? Why is she here? How will the other heroes react? Will anyone ever understand Ante? And will they ever get out of the plothole? This, and more, in the next episode of Never! Ending! Story!

(NSP: Erm, I hope this is okay. If not, I'm sure everyone will just ignore it. http://forums.massassi.net/html/smile.gif I've been wanting to join NeS for a while, and this seemed the perfect time to post...so I did. Again, I hope this is ok, and doesn't screw anyone up too much. Please don't eat me!)

[Edit- Arg, Jim beat me. Had to try to fix it up a bit to fit.]

[This message has been edited by doomofglitter (edited April 27, 2003).]

[maevie]

Meanwhile, in a prison cell just down the road..from the plothole...yeah, that makes no sense...anyway.. Ford and Maeve are slowly waking up.

Ford: ugh, what happened?

Maeve: I have no idea, where are we?

They both stand up and look around

Ford: metal cot, check; tiny sink, check; bucket of wee, check; bars, check...

Maeve: we appear to be in a cell

Ford: that would seem to be the case

Maeve: right, so I guess that means the party got somewhat out of hand

Ford: I guess so, now, shall we get out of here?

A guard suddenly appears at the bars of the cell

Maeve: *jumping back* woah! um, hi. can we go possibly? *bats her eyelashes at the guard*

Guard: all in good time, all in good time

Maeve and Ford look at eachother, not liking the sinister tone in the Guard's voice

Ford: um, why exactly are we here?

Guard: disturbance of the peace. you were both caught breaking into a candy store at 2am

Maeve: a candy store?

Guard: yes, you were having a tootsie-roll fight when you set off a motion sensor behind the counter

Ford: riiiight.

Maeve: anyway, so what do we have to do to get out of here?

Guard: funny you should ask that, I have important jobs for both of you. You first *pointing at Ford*

Ford: um...

the guard opens the cell door, and motions for Ford to come out. the two prisoners look at eachother, then Ford drops his head and follows

Maeve: right. this is...worrying

two hours later, the guard returns with Ford, and pushes him back into the cell. Maeve, who had been napping, awakes with a start and rushes over to Ford

Maeve: are you ok? what did they do to you?

Ford stares blankly over Maeve's left shoulder

Maeve: ok, this cannot be good

Ford: I... uh... I...

Maeve: what???

Ford moves over to the metal cot and sits down

Ford: I've seen it all

Maeve: all what?

Ford: NeS

Maeve: NeS? what's that?

Ford: The Never-ending Story

Maeve: ok, you've lost me

Ford: you're a part of it now, from the moment we met, you were entwined in the tale-

Maeve: um, I don't know what it is that they've given you, but I'm just a uni student, I have no idea what you're blathering on about

Ford: ug, shut up woman! I'm trying to explain. NeS is bigger than you, bigger than me, bigger than anything you know. it is controlled by 'The Writers' although in recent pages-

Maeve: pages?

Ford glares at Maeve, causing her to shut up instantly

Ford: *sigh* time as we know it is irrelevant in NeS, the only way to follow it is by page. currently we are on page 42, but the very fabric, or rather, paper, of NeS has been torn apart by one rather silly Viking. by eating the pages of NeS, he has banished everyone important to the story into a massive plot hole, and only some incredible logic - which is not going to happen - has any chance of getting them out.

Maeve: ok, hang on, hang on. if we're part of this 'NeS', why aren't we in the 'plot hole'?

Ford: presumably because we weren't at the scene of it's origin, I'm not sure. but whatever the case, any worrying is futile, I've seen what's going to happen, and it's not good. not for any of us.

Maeve: so...?

suddenly the guard reappears, and drags Maeve out of the cell

------------------
The Maeve is everywhere.
She is the world that has been pulled over your eyes to blind you from the truth.
Unfortunately, no-one can be told what the Maeve is, you have to see her for yourself.

[DrkJedi82]

*back at the plot hole*

With the arrival of Jim7 and New Character(TM) Geb decides to introduce himself. His first stop is Jim7 who just finished setting up a tent that was inside the mysterious bag.

Geb: Hello.

Jim7: wraa!

Jim7 picks up his guitar and begins playing.

Geb: yelling over the sound of Jim's guitar I'D LIKE TO WELCOME YOU TO THE NES I'M GE...

Jim7 interrupts Geb

Jim7: I know who you are silly mortal.. GO AWAY!!!

Geb starts wo walk away when Jim7 says something

Jim7: To get out of this mess look to the one who started it all.

Geb: WTF?

Jim7: STEEFU!

Geb stands there looking confused.

Jim7: OUT OF MY TENT!

Geb walks away.

Geb: *whispering* what a psycho

Will Geb ever figure out what Jim7 meant? Does Jim7 even know? Will everyone get out of this plot hole? What will maeve learn? Is Ford a guy or a girl? Find out in the next eciting episode of THE NEVERENDING STORY!!!!!

------------------
JUST DO IT!...

...tomorrow

[Rob]

Alone somewhere in a land of drunkeness

Rob: Where the heck am I?
Rob: Hey! I see something shiny!

Rob: follows the shiny into a dark room with no windows... The door slams shut and he is trasported to Jim7's tent.

------------------
French the language of love?
I suppose nothing says "I love you" like "wee wee".............

[roadmaster103]

And such...

Rob: How exactly did you do that?

Jim7 grins malevolently, holding an orb of swirling light. There is a worn inscription on it's bilateral axis. Rob squints to read it, when RM suddenly dashes into the room and steals Rob's pants.

Whoa - betcha didn't see that one coming, did you?

And for copyright info - that's taken right from Angel on the WB... not that anyone would care... well, maybe the WB people, but we all know that they don't exist.

Will Rob be able to fight Jim7 without his pants? Will the pants fit a scitzophrenic maniac? What is the tent made out of? Find out someday on The NEVER ENDING STORY!



[This message has been edited by roadmaster103 (edited April 27, 2003).]

[IS_ford1342]

back in the jail cell, Ford continues to stare at the wall. maeve comes back not much later than she left. or at least it seems that way to Ford.

Maeve: hey you *slap* snap out of it. we're leaving.

Ford: *is slapped* ungh?

Maeve: come on its time to party.

Ford: wait what? you've been thought that and you want to go drinking!

Maeve: Well of course i did. what i saw was a cause for celebration! now lets get out of here while the guard is still cradling his crushed anatomy.


oh dear! what did maeve see in the thingy that shows you all of nes? why is she so keen on going to a bar? will the guard ever recover? find out probably none of these questions next time on the Never-ending story!

------------------
may the farce be with you.

[DrkJedi82]

Meanwhile, back at the tent of Jim7 a plot forms within the plothole.

Jim7: You are probably wondering why I brought you here.

Rob: Yeah and also why you brought me here.

Jim7 smacks the drunk right out of Rob.

Rob: What did you do that for?

Jim7: I need you thinking straight for what i am about to tell you.

Rob: oh ok...

Jim7: I brought you here because the world of NeS needs you. I cannot act to repair this plothole because it would get in the way of my sex, drugs, and rock 'n' roll.

Rob: You want me to repair the plothole?

Jim7: Don't be foolish I want you to make sure nobody does anything really stupid to sink us deeper into this plothole.

Rob: How do I do that.

Jim7: Use any means you think are necessary.

Rob: Even killing?

Jim7: Only people who are capable of returning fomr the dead...

Suddenly a sound is heard outside the tent.

Jim7: Now go and don't let anyone know of our plans.

Will Jim7's plan work? Will Rob be able to keep stupid things form happening? Will Rob kick Krig in the beanbag for creating this plothole? What kind of sound was it they heard outside of the tent? Find out on the next exciting episode of The Osbournes!!!! ... wait... that's not right....

------------------
JUST DO IT!...

...tomorrow

[Antestarr]

(NSP: You know... it's funny... on a whim I was just flipping through the archives of the story. Classic moments... changes in style and format for writers... people I've known... friends I've had... and those I've lost... and still those who've abandoned me along with those I've abandoned. This thread is more than just a comedy story... for me it is a history... a timeline... it helps me to remember, though some of it may be bittersweet.

Honestly, I don't know why I'm writing this NSP... probably just to reminisce for a bit.... But this thread will be here, and hopefully always be here for me: to help me see where I've been, what I've learned, and what I've become. And to constantly remind me that to all the darkness I may find there will always be a light to counteract it.

Thank you all for staying with it, and for those of you who are new, keep up the work. The funny comes in fits. Hopefully I'll have it with me in the near future. http://forums.massassi.net/html/wink.gif )

------------------
"Ken wa kyouki. Kenjutsu wa satsujinjutsu. Donna kireigoto ya o-daimoku o kuchi ni ****e mo sore ga shinjitsu."
-Seijuro Hiko

[Gebohq]

Within the plot-hole, our heroes look upon their sole hope for escaping the hell which they were in. The 4th circle of it, to be technical, but honestly, is any one part of Hell REALLY more favorable than another?

Ante: Concentrate, Viking, concentrate...

jk: *grabbing Krig's waist* You can do it, NeS! Come back!

*Krig gives JediKirby a questioning look.*

jk: Er...sorry.

*JediKirby gives Krig the Viking some space. Krig then proceeds making squinty facial features, as if dealing with stomach problems, which he was in fact doing.*

Geb: So uh...is there anything we can do?

Ante: If we all concentrate with the Viking, draw upon creating our reality with him...this should help him.

Geb: You sure about this?

Ante: Look, you think this happens to me everyday? I don't know! You got any better ideas?

Geb: Right. You all heard the guy! Concentrate...

The group falls into a eerie silence, their eyes closed, deep in concentration. Then a few snickers and stiffled laughs arise. Then it quickly returns back to suppressed uneasiness. After a few moments, they noticed something forming high above them.

MZZT: Hey look! It's NeSU!

everyone else: Yay!

Sarn: But it seems to be out of reach.

everyone else: Boo!

TLTE: Hahahahahaha! I'll get to watch you eternally suffer being stuck here, Gebohq!

Geb: Hey, you're stuck here too!

TLTE: Point.

Geb: What now?

Ante: Hmm...I sort of assumed that was all we'd have to do, so I haven't a clue.

Geb: This could be bad...

Cue the zooming in and out of a big donut. You know, like the Batman symbol bit. Scene changes to the Massassi Forums Office Building, locked away within its own paradoxial dimensional prison. A prison designed to keep the forces of EeP and all those that ally with it from using the writers of NeS to their advantage. A prison though, that has been taking its toll on the writers.

Haggis the writer: I'm so BOOOOORED! There's nothing to DO now!

Maybe the writer: Don't forget, oh, you know, the lack of food and other essentials.

Haggis the writer: That too.

Ford the writer: It kind of sucks not to have any control over our characters too.

TLTE the writer: It's amazing that NeS seems to be doing relatively well too without us. You know, besides the mysterious forces trying to end NeS and all.

Geb the writer: Makes you kind of feel useless, doesn't it?

TLTE the writer: Mm-hmm.

*A high-position-looking Massassian enters the room.*

Geb the writer: Blujay? How the hell did you get here?

blujay: Er...I opened the door?

Sem the writer: How'd you get past the shield?

blujay: You mean the thing hanging on the door that says "There are no NeS writers in here. If you are anything resembling plot, you've come to the wrong place?"

Sem the writer: Yeah! You know how expensive that thing was?

blujay: ...right. Anywhos, I just stopped by to inform Geb here that he's been promoted to moderator now.

Geb the writer: Woohoo! Do I get a raise?

blujay: No.

Geb the writer: Drats.

blujay: And uh... maybe you guys should get out? It's a nice day you know.

*The writers look out their window, to see their normal city-scape, back within their own realm.*

writers: Wheee! Yay!

blujay: I think you guys have been in here a *little* too long...

Geb the writer: Maybe I can do something with my character now.

Sem the writer: I'm going to read the details on the back of that box. Ten thousand dollars... I wouldn't want to think we were ripped off.

Maybe the writer: Alright, who wants to make a food run?

everyone else: *moan* *groan* *grumble*

Back within the plothole which out heroes are stuck in...

Gebohq: How to get out of this place...

Telepathic Voice: Trust your instincts...

Gebohq: Who said that?

*Everyone else gives Gebohq questioning looks.*

Gebohq: Hey you, Narrating-guy.

Hmmm?

Gebohq: Did you just say something?

Like "Trust your instincts?"

Gebohq: Yeah.

Nope.

Telepathic Voice: Stretch out with your feelings...

Gebohq: Obi-wan?

Telepathic Voice: No, you eejit! I'm a friend, from the future. And you have the potential to become a great porni master.

Gebohq: Shwa?

Telepathic Voice: *sigh* Just do as I say. Geb says to concentrate on porn. He says it'll help.

Gebohq: Wait--I'm there, from the future, with you? Oh-oh! Should I ask that girl in my bio class out?

*A telepathic high-pitch scratch is heard for a moment.*

Different Telepathic Voice: Go ahead. But just remember she'll dump you when she finds the porn collection under the bed.

(original) Telepathic Voice: My hand isn't a microphone, Geb! Give it back! Er--*cough* I'll see you later then, in your future!

Different Telepathic Voice: I'm right here though.

Original Telepathic Voice: *sigh*

Geb: Right...so I think about wanting porn and I get Force powers...

*Gebohq holds out his hand and keeps his eyes closed. The other Characters(tm) give him more questioning looks as he appears to just be standing there, with his hand stretched out.*

Geb: Hmm... maybe I don't get Force powers. Let's try this again.

*Gebohq then looks at the center of the plot-hole, the dark swirling colors swirling and collecting into a black spot. He then came to a revelation. Much of porn has no plot. The plothole which kept him and the others inside had no plot. Armed with this new insight, Gebohq looked up, and jumped. It was beyond all reason, but Gebohq had jumped the huge height, back onto the grounds of NeSU. The other heroes looked at him in amazement.*

Geb: Hold on!

*Gebohq places his hand on the ground, and the plot-hole slowly shrunk, raising the other characters back up as it grew smaller, finally dissapearing. The damage done by the fighter jet is also undone.*

Krig: *burp*

Galv: Well, glad that's over with.

*Bill Gates squirms his way out from under the mammoth.*

Gates: This isn't over yet!

Geb: Of course...*sigh*

Gates: I'll come back, and with the forces of EeP, I'll get my revenge!

*Gates then jumps into a newly-made plot-hole and dissapears, the plot-hole dissapearing with him.*

Dean Stockwell: Don't you all still have classes to go to?

everyone else: *groan*

Back in the present day, at the Hall of Heroes.

Gebohq: Wow, the past was a lot more exciting now that I stopped to think about it.

Highemperor: If it wasn't for me you probably never would have remembered!

Maybechild: So you forgot all this time that you had this great power?

Gebohq: I guess...I mean, it sort of comes natural to me these days I suppose.

Maybechild: Wait a minute! When did you ever use these powers?

Gebohq: How else do you think I run so fast?

Maybechild: Right. Whatever.

Losien: I knew my brother was special!

Sarn: Oh he's "special" alright...

Geb: Hmm...I wonder where TLTE is...

Just then, TLTE bursts through the door. JediKirby, upon remembering what TLTE tried to do to Gebohq back in his college years now as if it were yesterday, reflexively lunges towards TLTE.

TLTE: What the--

Before TLTE can react though, JediKirby promptly eats him whole. The other Characters(tm) look in shock as JediKirby absorbs TLTE, becoming...

TLTEKirby: *evil chuckle*

Gebohq: Stay good?

(NSP: Sorry for taking so long--it took me a while before I figured out Geb's new "porni skills" could simply emulate Force powers, except dependant on plot. Or lack thereof. Or something like that. Anywhos, Welcome new writers! If you have any questions, etc. e-mail me, or contact me via IRC, MSN, or AIM (all Gebohq). Hope you'll stick around for some fun! Hopefully I didn't forget anything...)

[This message has been edited by Gebohq (edited April 28, 2003).]

[DrkJedi82]

A few minutes later on the other side of the plothole we see a drunk Jim7 urinating on a tree while singing "I'm a little Teapot". Then suddenly the tree burst into flames.

Jim7: ah **** not again... gah this happens every time...

Jim7 runs away before anyone sees him near the burning tree

Will Jim7 get caught? Will trees stop catching fire? Why did DrkJedi82 write such a short post? Find out by sending Jim7 $10,000,000!!!!!

------------------
JUST DO IT!...

...tomorrow

[This message has been edited by DrkJedi82 (edited April 28, 2003).]

[Katiana Alyce]

*After the frighteningly horriffically terrible experience of being offered bubble wrap condoms Amy takes on out of the package and stares at it blankly for about 20 minutes.*

Amy: Oh the possibilities!

Kat: What?! &lt;snatches the thing and proceeds to pop all the little bubbles&gt; Hmmm...

Ante: OH.....MY......GOODNESS!! It's not only useless. IT'S PURE UNBRIDLED EVIL!!!

Kat: And tons of FUN!!

*Amy looks around uneasily and somehwere in another area, very far away, but closer than we all think, similar but very different than The Last True Evil, and The Very Last True Evil, Pure Unbridled Evil is born into existence*

Kat: Amy, why are you shuddering and staring like that?

Amy: I......don't know....

*dun dun DUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN*
&lt;Woah, man, turn down the music&gt;
(what?! Why?!)
&lt;fine&gt;
*beats the DJ over the head with his mixing board*
&lt;there&gt;
*dusts hands off and walks away*


*very hushed* *dun dun dunnnnnn*

------------------
Death is my Business, and business is good.

[Gebohq]

(NSP: I finally finished my post above. Now to just help give the College Days bit a proper finish, for my character at least. I invite you all to do the same if you wish. As for you new guys, consider yourself at the Hall of Heroes for now (where my last post ended). A little somethin'.)

One last fleeting memory passes through Gebohq, a memory of a time shortly after he had lost the competition and the odd and epic events that had followed shortly after. A younger, college-age Gebohq walks down a hallway with Sarn.

Sarn: That was some crazy stuff back there.

Geb: Yeah. It's too bad I lost the competition though. If what happened is any sign of what I'll have to face, I don't know if I'm cut out for it.

Sarn: I think you'll do just fine, Geb.

Geb: Really?

Sarn: I dunno. I just thought that sounded encouraging.

Galvatron then walks up to Gebohq.

Galv: That stuff you did back there was impressive. Interested in having a business partner?

Geb: What can you do?

Galv: Well, I can transform into a dragon, shoot lasers, use my chest as a fridge--

Geb: Portable fridge! Sweet! I heard that a comet might be threatening to crash into Earth before the new millenium. Maybe we should look into that?

Galv: Please! Like that'll ever happen...

[Highemperor]

-=NEVERENDING WAR, EPISODE II: ATTACK OF THE PORNI=-

In the Hall of Heroes. . .

Highemperor: Geb, you REALLY need to practice your Porni skills if you ever want to advance past Pornawan - or, for that matter, if you expect to take care of TLTEKirby.

Geb: Hey! I do practice skills!

Highemp: I don't mean running, gebbing, confusion, or cowardice.

Geb: Oh. *pause* Well, what about-

Highemp: And not erectile dysfunction either.

Geb: Darnit.

Highemp: Get to work, Geb-san! You've been a Pornawan for 15 years now!

Geb: But how!

Highemp: Go to the Playboy system. There you will learn from Pamela Yodason, the Porni Master to taught me.

Geb: You - you're a Porni Master?!

Highemp: What? Me? *eyes dart about furtively* No!

-----

Meanwhile in Highemp's quarters. . .

Ford: Hey, what's this? *pulls DVD from under Highemp's pillow* "Twelve Hours of Uncensored Hardcore Action"?

-----

Highemp: Of course not!

Geb: *shrug* Okay. Let's go.

Highemp: I will take you to the Playboy system now.

*he snaps his fingers and they teleport to a palace on a swamp world*

Highemp: Here we are. Pamela Yodason's mansion. Let's go find her.

As they walk through the swamp palace, several exotic dancing girls in bikini dresses wave and coo to Highemp, who blushes beet red and mutters something under his breath about how he's NEVER seen them before in his life and if any of them start talking about his supposedly tiny member it's a downright LIE and so on and so on.

Geb: No fair! Why are they all paying attention to you?

Highemp: *throws hands in the air* Alright! I confess! I-

Geb: I know.

Highemp: You do?

Geb: Yeah, everyone knows you have a tiny male organ.

Highemp: *glare* That's NOT what I was going to say!

Geb: Oh.

RAM: He does? Really? Ah-hahahahaha! *whole audience starts laughing maniacally*

Highemp: *head in hands* You just HAD to go and spill the beans, didn't you?

Geb: Sorry, man.

Highemp: *energy crackles around him* I'll show YOU sorry! *zaps Geb's pants open so the entire audience (which consists of about a hundred thousand million billion trillion kazillion beings from throughout space and time) sees his dysfunctional manhood* Ahhahahahahahahahaha!

Geb: *turns scarlet*

Husky female voice from side: Highemperor! So good of you to return!

*A woman with the body of Pamela Anderson and the ears of Yoda walks onstage*

Highemp: Master Pamela! *they kiss each other on each cheek, French-style*

Geb: *eyes ears dubiously* You mean I have to kiss HER?

Highemp: You have to please her in bed before you can become a Porni Knight.

Pamela: Yes, true. *conspiratorially* It took Highemp here eight hours and eleven tries!

Highemp: Hey! I'll have you know that I am much more virile now.

Pamela: Yeah?

Highemp: Yeah! As of now, I'm staging a coup!

Pamela: Brave, but uh, foolish, my old Porni friend. You're impossibly outnumbered.

Highemp: *scoffs* I don't think so.

RLFL (Random Lawyer from Lucasfilm): Excuse me, but I'm afraid we're going to have to arrest you for plagiarizing.

*Pamela and Highemp simultaneously swipe off the RLFL's member with their lightgenitals*

Pamela: YOU'RE going to overthrow me? You and what army?

Highemp: A clone army of the hottest woman in the universe!

Geb: *ears perk up* And who is that?

Highemp: Larisa Oleynik!

Geb: Again - and who is that?

Highemp: *glare*

Thousands of beautiful Larisa Oleyniks, dressed in flowing pink thong bikinis, march in, and Pamela's dancing girls are quickly overwhelmed. Geb's eyes are goggling out of his head. Pamela and Highemp face each other, drawing their lightgenitals.

Highemp: When I left you I was but the learner. Now I am the Master.

Pamela: Only a master of evil, Darth - er, Highemp.

*they fight*

Pamela: Fought well, you have, my old Pornawan.

Highemp: This is just the beginning.

*they fight some more*

Pamela: If you strike me down, I shall become sexier than you can possibly imagine.

*they fight for another hour*

RAM: Alright, enough! Would one of you kindly DIE?

*Pamela glares at the RAM as Highemp takes advantage of the distraction to hurl a big ball of lightning at Pamela, disintegrating her*

Geb: *still goggling at the Larisa Oleyniks* Drool. . .

Highemp: *smug grin* I TOLD you they were the hottest girls in the universe. And now, I am the Master of the Porni Temple. And you, Geb, are my disciple. Your training begins. . . NOW!

Oh, horror! Highemp is teaching Geb the ways of the Porn Force! Highemp has overthrown his old master! Highemp-

RAM: Blah, blah, blah! Highemp this, Highemp that! Enough already!

Er, right. Until next time - may the Porn Force be with you!

------------------
Quest on epic adventures or duel at the High Citadel (http://pub26.ezboard.com/bhighcitadel)!

[This message has been edited by Highemperor (edited April 29, 2003).]

[doomofglitter]

The rest of the cast, left back at the Hall of Heroes during Highemperor and Geboq's mad rush to the Playb-er-Pamela's mansion, must now face the threat of TLTEKirby by themselves. They heroes stand awkwardly, unsure of what to do next. Finally, Maybechild takes charge.

Maybe: *sigh* Why do I always end up with all the work? Where's a good leader when you need one? Here I am, once again, stuck dealing with another crisis, while Geboq is off playing porniwan with Highemp. *grumble*

Before Maybe can finish her muttering, however, Krig takes matters into his own hands and springs into action. Cartwheeling over to the new, very evil, and nauseatingly pink entity born of TLTE and JediKirby, he promptly pops it into his mouth.

Sarn: Krig, no!

Krig: *BURP*

Audience: ewwy...

Krig: *an odd look crosses his face* Krig's tummy hurt. Krig need nap. *lies down*

Doomy: *raising an eyebrow* He's turning colors...is he supposed to do that?

*they all back away slowly, jumping as he gives loud moan*

Krig: Unnngh...*smacks of lips*

Yes, Krig the Viking has eaten TLTEKirby! What will happen next? Will the inherent evilness of this new cross emerge? Or will the heroes be able to save all three before yet another plot is hatched to take over the world? This, and much less, next time on NeS!

(NSP: Uhm, yes, Doomy would be the New Character, spawned of a plothole and thoroughly disgusted by where she ended up...why that never got played out? I dunno, this is NeS, does anything make sense? She's kinda the sarcastic, sloppy, slightly condescending artistic type, so do with her what you will. Thanks, all http://forums.massassi.net/html/smile.gif. And sorry for the short post, I wasn't exactly sure where to take it from there...hope this'll do.)

------------------
"Biologically speaking,if something bites you it's more likely to be female"

[TheTwistedSpasm]

Even as Krig is through smacking his lips, there is a incredible blast of sound, and all the doors blow in, all the windows shatter, and through the unexplainable smoke, steps TheTwistedSpasm.

Spasm: Everybody down!

*no one moves except, unnoticible through the smoke, Krig stirs*

Spasm: Apples, I knew that was gonna stop working someday.

Maybe: Er, new guy, look out!

*Spasm has only a second to dodge out of the way as Krig barrels towards him. He doesn't bother*

BAM!

*Krig runs out the door, bellowing incomprehensible things about sausage, thanksgiving, and zebras.

Spasm: uhg.... *picks himself off the floor* Ack! My suit! *it's filthy*

Doomy: Do I know you?

Spasm: We met recently, er, many years ago. Pliered suit...

Doomy: You're not making any sense.

Maybe: Uh, Spasm, is it?

Spasm: *as suavely as he can manage* Please, call me Spaz.

Maybe: *way past being impressed by a guy trying to hit on her* Can it. What's the last thing you remember?

Spaz: erm... rising out of a plothole, with, eh... cord it... Geb! That's it! Say, where is the old boy?

Maybe: You came straight from our recent reminiscing to this page?

Spaz: Well, duh! It seems logical, right? No sense rewriting pages. The ones Krig didn't eat, anyway.

Maybe: I suppose. Unless...

Sarn: Maybe, are you getting at something?

Maybe: Hm? No, not at all. *goes on thinking that Spasm could very well be a spy for the enemy*

Spasm: So, have I missed anything in particular?

Sarn: Nah. Still got that USP?

Spasm: Of yeah! *Pulls out his two-tone Heckler and Koch USP .45 caliber pistol[TM].* Nice, huh?

Sarn: Can I shoot it?

Spasm: Nah, only professionals can handle these. *accidently shoots himself in the foot*

Spasm: Marker!

meanwhile, in the writers realm...

Spasm, having broken out of his cell, discovers that the writers haven't been able to control the story...

SpasmTW(in a very dull monotone): How long have I been writing pointless posts?

Geb(calmly chewing a snickers): A while.

SpasmTW: How long?

Geb: A while.

SpasmTW: How long?

Geb: ...

So, SpasmTW has escaped imprisonment and become a full-fledged writer! What will he do now? And what about Krig? Where has he run off to, and what does sausage, thanksgiving, and zebras have to with it? Do I care? Nah, but the pay is good.

(NSP: Unless it benefits the non-story, I'd rather not actually be a spy, I just thought it would be good to get a little mistrust going between the Heros and me. After all, I'm not a hero, more like a cop, and nobody REALLY trusts co

------------------
Cynic (sin'ik) n. One of a sect of ancient Greek philosophers who held that virtue is the ultimate goal of life, their doctrine gradually coming to symbolize insolent self-righteousness.

[DrkJedi82]

Back at what's left of the plothole...

Jim7: *looks up* **** YOU GEB!

Jim7: ROB GET OVER HERE!

Rob: *hic* whaddaya want man?

Jim7: It seems Geb and the rest got out of the plothole and forgot about us...

Rob: that sucks *hic*

Jim7: Ok we need to cut down all these trees and build ... something... to get up to the top of the plothole and climb out.

Rob: But *hic* I thought you could repair plotholes...

Jim7: I can but I need a virgin sacrifice to be able to, and all the virgins made it out of the plothole.

Will Jim7 and Rob make it out of the plothole? Are they doomed to rot in the plothbole forever? Will I stop asking stupid questions? Find out on the next Exciting Episode of The Plothole!!!!!!!

------------------
JUST DO IT!...

...tomorrow

[JediKirby]

(Gah, I'll make a post tomorrow morning... My final aim was to be Eval...RAHAHAHA! BTW, all "Evil"s incorporated with TLTEkirby must be "Eval", thankyou, bye)

------------------
Epic: Episode I TC, Epic: Podracing Mod MP/SP, Epic: Starbattles Mod MP/SP (http://www.jedinights.com/e21tc/)

[CookedHaggis]

*Back at NeSU, the characters are struggling to quickly resolve everything and end with some kind of pseudo prophetically humourous quip*

*CookedHaggis is sitting in his room, diploma on the wall, trophies for "Waiter of the Year" and "Most intolerant of ill-informed proletarians" lining the shelves, ironed and pressed maitre'd tuxedo hanging in the cupboard*

CookedHaggis (voice over): I'll never forget my times at NeSU. Who would've thought such a slovenly and contemptable plebian could become a pretentious, uptight snob...Yes, NeSU was where I finally grew up, and learned the pleasures of punctuality and correctness, of Semillion and Chiraz and what an intransitive verb really was...

RAM: Wait, isn't this all supposed to be Geb's flashback? I mean, the fact that we got storylines that Geb couldn't have witnessed was bad enough, but having a voice over by another character is just ludicruous...

CookedHaggis (directly to camera, fourth-wall breaking): I'll never forget the people I met, the people who saw me change and mature...unless, of course, the plot demands that I only appear half way through NeS and without knowing the characters prior to appearing....Do I have Regrets? Only that no Animal House parody was worked in...still, there's always the plot-hole creating NeS High: The cliquey, bad teen movie referencing flashback...


[This message has been edited by CookedHaggis (edited April 29, 2003).]

[This message has been edited by CookedHaggis (edited April 29, 2003).]

[Gebohq]

Meanwhile (NeS count: Not high enough, apparently), at the Porni Temple, Highemperor continues to teach Gebohq the history and ways of the Porni Masters.

Highemperor: You see here, Geb, this is the strongest temple in these swamps here. The first one I built sank into the swamp--

Geb: --uh, I hate to break it to you...

Highemp: What?

Geb: We've already done this routine. Back on page 4, with Otter and his Crow's Nest.

Highemp: Whatever. Anywhos, you should eat this cheese I hold here so that you may become short and green with pointy ears and speak with bad grammar. Behold its power--

Geb: --Uh...

Highemp: What now?

Geb: We've done that routine too. Page 6. And then some other pages too.

Highemp: Look, it's not my fault that becoming Yoda-like fits within the string of events. At least you'll fufill your desires by becoming a pimp among my army of Alex Mack actresses!

Geb: But I already DID the pimp bit, back when we were looking for jobs.

Highemp: GEEZ! Is there anything that hasn't been done in NeS?

Geb: Uh... umm...

Highemp: Well?

Geb: I'm thinking!

Highemp: Don't make me zap you!

Geb: You've already done that too.

Highemp: Grr....

[roadmaster103]

In the plothole...

[i] RM runs around insanely, chasing his member [i/]

RM: I'm a virgin!! You'd have to be crazy to mate with me...

Jim7 sneers and the rest of the plotholians tie RM down...

Will RM die a second time? Why a virgin sacrifice? Will rmTW write sensical posts?
find out on the next episode of That 70's Show... er... whatever...

------------------
Instant Message me on AIM: roadmaster103

[DrkJedi82]

Then Jim7 wakes up... realizing it was all just a dream he becomes angry.

Jim7: **** !!!!!

Jim7 looks in the mirror and notices a tattoo on his chest that wasn't there before

Jim7: HOLY HELL!!! there must be a tatoo artist somewhere in this plothole...

Rob: *sleep talking* no... not there.... oh wait... yeah there just like that....

Jim7: ROB! Wake up...

Rob: What?

Jim7: we need to find the tattoo artist...

Rob: huh?

Jim7: no time to explain just look...

Jim and Rob start searching for the tattoo artist that gave Jim his tattoo, just then Jim7 finds a door knob at the edge of the plothole.

Jim7: *opens door* YES I'M FREE!!!!!!

Tattoo Artist: WTF?

Jim7: I was stuck in a plothole now i'm back?

TA: oh you came through that door labeled "Entrance to Plothole" ...

Jim7: Why would you have a door like that?

TA: dunno... just appeared one day...

Jim7: K... so... which way to the Hall of Heroes? i ned to smack Geb.

TA: Hall of Heroes? Geb?

Jim7: This is the NeS right?

TA: NeS?

Jim7: Neverending Story...

TA: No, this is the EES, the Eventually Ending Story...

Jim7: CRAP!

TA: Hey this guy i know told me something about the NeS once... he said the only way back to the NeS from a plot hole is through the top of the hole, there are no doors...

Jim7: **** ...

TA: Oh and be careful with those doors you don't wanna get stuck in TEiH...

Jim7: TEiH?

TA: The End is Here

Jim7: Sounds dangerous...

TA: Yeah apparently the world is gonna end there.

Jim7: Yeah... ok thanks for the info.

TA: Bye come again...

Jim7 exits through the door and tells Rob of his encounter with the Tattoo Artist

------------------
JUST DO IT!...

...tomorrow

[JediKirby]

Krig, now feeling a little too full, fell to his knees whincing.

SU_Mega_MZZTer: Krig... You OK buddy?

Krig: Krig has Tummy Ache...

Just then Krig's stomach started to move and buble as if a small alien like creature were burrowing under it. SU_Mega_ZZTer rushed him to the lab.

Krig: Is Krig ganna die?

SU_Mega_MZZTer: Most likely.

A sudden bulge pushed up in Krigs Stomach. The bulge moved, then exploded as TLTEKirby shot out, intentanously killing Krig.

TLTEKirby: RAHAHAHA! I am now the Evalest Creature EVAR! YOU! What is your name?

SU_Mega_ZZTer: Uh... Um... Uh... Are you eatible?

TLTEKirby: Yes, very much so, please, take a bite!

SU_Mega_ZZTer, being the ediot he always is, takes a chunk of Kirby, he places it into his mouth. The Evalness surges... and Mega falls to an eirie eval unexplainable really funny death.

TLTEKirby: RAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

(NSP: Seriously, don't worry. No one's ACTUALLY dead. I've got plans... hahahaha)

------------------
Epic: Episode I TC, Epic: Podracing Mod MP/SP, Epic: Starbattles Mod MP/SP (http://www.jedinights.com/e21tc/)

[This message has been edited by jEDIkIRBY (edited May 05, 2003).]

[The MAZZTer]

* In the realm of the heroes *

MZZTtH: *twitches* X_x

TLTEKirb: * &lt;('.')&gt; *

* In the realm of the writers *

* The Massassi Forums Offices. MZZTtW enters the office and procedes up to the NeS offices, where he sees a sign on the door. Since this post is in the format of a cheesy movie, the scene switches to young man writing the sign, with him speaking it as a voice over. *

blujay: "To all NeS writers: The new office locations have finally been approved. Unfortunately, because it took so long, it is also out of date. Please note that you are immediately relocated to the basement, and the HBL will have these offices." *Cut back to MZZTtW reading*

MZZTtW: O_o *goes down to the new offices*

*The basment floor is covered in a foot of water. MZZTtW tries to ignore it and sloshes to the office location, and opens the door. GebtW, KrigtW, and AntetW are trying to stop up a pipe spurting water. MZZTtW takes no special notice of this. *

MZZTtW: Uh... what's new guys?

AntetW: THE WATER MAIN BROKE!!! GIVE US A HAND HERE!!!

[The Last True Evil]

*Kirby notices that the TLTE portion of him is shuffling and wriggling, looking decidedly uncomfortable.*

Kirby: What's wrong? We need to keep a brave face, and we...that is, you...don't look that EVAL! RAHAHAHAHAHAH! *ahem*

TLTE: Apologies, tovarish. I just...I don't really know you that well, and being evil-

Kirby: *growl*

TLTE: -EVAL, rather, with someone is a very intimate thing. I just thought you and I could talk a little, seeing as we haven't woven too closely together in the NeS tale so far.

Kirby: ...*uncomfortable silence*

TLTE: Shall I begin, then? The story of my conception involves my mother, a concubine, and none other than Rasputin himself, in a darkened alley in Vladivostok...

Egad! A touchy-feely TLTE! What is the world coming to! And how will his cohort Kirby deal with the emotional vulnerability he is being asked to display? Will it make them a closer EVAL duo? Or will this spell disaster for the would-be EVALDOERS? Find out by meeting me at the local coffee shop at 6 P.M., Eastern Standard Time, or if you're washing your hair then, check out the next NeS!!!

------------------
"You have to tame the wild beast before you let it out of its cage."

-Derek Zoolander

[DrkJedi82]

Meanwhile... still in the plothole Jim7 is kicking a rock while thinking...

*lightbulb*
Jim7: I GOT IT!

Rob: WTF?

Jim7: My bag!

Rob: What about your bag?

Jim7: I just remembered I brought a virgin along in case of an emergency.

*Jim looks at Rob*

Rob: Why are you looking at me like that?

Jim7: I hope you have no problems with killing a virgin. Because you need to sacrifice the virgin.

Rob: Ok... knife or axe?

Jim7: knife...

Rob: ok...

[the rest is censored because of too much violence and bad language...]

Then suddenly Jim7 and Rob appear just outside the Hall of Heros...

Will Jim7 every get out of the... oh wait what did you say? THEY GOT OUT OF THE PLOTHOLE? W00T!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

------------------
JUST DO IT!...

...tomorrow

[erik_otaku]

&lt;NSP&gt;

Key:

Asuka: Asuka Langley Sohryu (Eva)
GS: Game Show Host
Mam: Mammoth
GWE: Great Writer Erik (GTO)

&lt;/NSP&gt;

* Last time we saw our heroes (pg 38), they were just entering the old forest. Asuka, having forced GS and Mammoth to do so in order to correct the fault of the recent live movie. After a good 5 page rest they are up and ready to go.

GS: Well buddy, are you ready?

Mam: Yea. Let's do it.

&lt;Meanwhile&gt;

Asuka: Those idiots better not pull anything like that again. Skipping the old forest was hollywoods biggest mistake. I wont allow for such an important piece of storyline to be cut...

&lt;/Meanwhile&gt;

* GS and Mam have made one of the boldest choices ever made

* GS looks up at the sign above him marked "Subway: Blue Line: Old Forest Stop"

SSecurity: Hey you (* points at GS), I can't let you on this subway without something to defend yourself with... You should know that before you get on the subway.

GS: What about these 2 nukes, flamethrower, and 3 AK-47's i just bought?

SSecurity: Sorry, on a subway ride, youd last about 5 minutes...

GS: Hmmm, well i do have this mammoth....

SSecurity: That works for me, what part of semi-middle-earth are you boys heading?

GS: Hollywood, near George Lucas house.

SSecurity: Did you say H-H-h-h....HOLLYWOOD?

GS: Yea, we need to get there, although we do not know the way...

SSecurity: Hollywood is a vile twisted place, containing millions of demons, orcs, lawyers, and ... directors. Its gates are watched by thousands of prostitues waiting for their next lucky..eer victim. Not with 10,000 men could you do this..

* The subway closes its doors and goes on without them

GWE: Meh, whatever, the subway would've taken like 3 pages anyway.

* Out of nowhere a bullet train appears on the tracks.

Conductor Geb: All abord the NeS Express. The one bullet train guarenteed to plow through story, logic, and dialogue.

GS & Mam: Excellent.

* 3 minutes later GS and Mam step off the train into the middle of hollywood.

* GS now carrying the lightsaber approches the dumpster of which would destroy the evil object once and for all

* GS takes one final look at the burdening trinket

GS: Hey wait a minute, this isn't the lightsaber, this is a bat with green paint. Where is the real lightsaber, it must be thrown into this dumpster if it is to be destroyed.

Mam: Oh yea, i forgot to tell you, the ever-so indestructable lightsaber fell apart a bit before we got to the forest. I accidentally dropped it when kicking down the door. Then i burned the pieces into ash and covered them with dirt cuz I didnt want you to get mad at me.

GS: .... And we came all this way because?

Mam: Well, because... Oh wow, we really wasted some time. Whoops.

&lt;Meanwhile&gt;

GWE: So basically Askua, this is what they decided to do (holds up page 43)

Asuka: Unforgivable.............

* In a furious rage, Asuka hops aboard her Eva Unit (Giant Mech) and starts speeding toward hollywood, trampling everything in her path.

* Asuka arrives at hollywood, leaving only 2 villages and a small forest.

&lt;/Meanwhile&gt;

GS: Well, on the bright side, we saved semi-middle-earth

Mam: Yea, Asuka will be proud.

* As they walk home, they look out toward the horizon, only to notice that semi-middle-earth no longer exists, and are standing in front of a very large mech.

Asuka: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO FOLLOW THE STORY, THE WRITER CREATES A PLOT, YOU FOLLOW IT.

* GWE pulls out the NeS Dictionary.

GWE: Hmm, lets see... Plot, story... where are they...... AH, here we go. Plot: Pointless Lot Of Thoughts and Stori: Senseless Telling Of Random Ideas.

GS: Story is spelled with a y at the end, not an i... idiot.

* GWE snaps his fingers

* GS blows up

GWE: Now, as I was saying... StorY: Senseless Telling Of Random Yarns. You see Asuka, this isnt like a manga, NeS doesn't make sense, thats the idea. It makes 0 sense..

Asuka: You mean like End of Eva?

GWE: Actually.... sadly enough, End of Eva makes even less sense than NeS, which makes absolutly no sense already..

Asuka: Is that possible....?

GWE: End of Eva not only makes no sense, but it also makes it hurt to think for a while, where as NeS is humorous nonsense.

Asuka: Im confused.....

GWE: See what I mean. That brings me to my next point kids. FRIENDS DONT LET FRIENDS 'END OF EVA'.

GWE: Now, since GS is dead, Neila was deported from NeS, and I hate mark hamill, you two are the only ones left.

&lt;End of Eva&gt;
* Random giant eyeball gets torn through
&lt;/End of Eva&gt;

Asuka: So, how many people do you think actually got these anime references...

Mam: People read this??

Asuka: Good point... Not to mention that the references are irrelevant as everything else is.

* The adventure is over. Peoples minds were toyed with. Worlds were destroyed. Structure was once again collapsed. Another job well done.

Mam: So anyway, lets wander aimlessly until the next post.

&lt;TO BE CONTINUED?&gt;

------------------

[DrkJedi82]

(NSP: with everyone finally out of the plothole i gotta do it... http://members.aol.com/DrkJedi82/Jshot056.jpg i'm so evil)

------------------
JUST DO IT!...

...tomorrow

[Rob]

Rob: So it it fixed? Because I seriously just lost my buzz...

Jim7: I dunno... I've ever actually fixed one.. just watched a bunch.

Rob: WTF.. well me losing my buzz must mean were not in the plothole anymore..

Jim7: I dunno..

Rob: This place sure looks like the plothole, dude...

Jim7: WAIT! Do you have a hangover?

Rob: WTF... I don't...

Jim7: Then we must be in normal space and time again, because if we were still in the pltohole and you had sobered up you'd have a hangover...

Rob: Dude... thats deep...

*Awkward Silence*

Rob: Wanna go build a go-cart?

Jim7: HELL YES!

Will Rob ever stay sober? Will Jim and Rob even build a gocart? Will they just procrastinate and get drunk? Will they pee in the alley? YOU DECIDE!

------------------
French the language of love?
I suppose nothing says "I love you" like "wee wee".............

[JediKirby]

TLTEKirby runs off into the other room to watch Oprah and bond with himself. Little did the Eval little fluff know, the dead bodies weren't as dead as he thought.

Body Of MZZTer: Gargle.

Body Of Krig: Gargle.

Just then the bodies flopped around, as if something were wriggling inside to be freed. The hand of the dead MZZTer reached up, ripping off the flimzy rubber MZZTer mask. A fluffy pink ball climbed out, a long beard hung low to the ground, and the back of his head held a mane of white frizzly hair. His specticles slipped lower down his face, and he pushed them back up.

EinstienKirby: My dear, what an adventure. I'm completely astonished that the time space continuem was not disturbed by my traveling back in time from traveling forward in past, then seeing my future self, giving him a time machine, then warping back here to stop TLTEKirby from killing geb so that my future self can exist, therefore giving existance to me, because of what's under Krig's supposed body!

I didn't get that, but perhaps some of you science people...did. Krigs gnarled fingers reach up, throwing off the helmet, another fluff sticks his body out. This time, there's a beautiful head of orange hair, and he's got aposable thumbs. He looks suprisingly hansome as well.

?Kirby: Who the hell are you?

EinstienKirby: I am the past Kirby from the future of you when you return back to your time and spit Gebohq back up and then travel back in time to gain the knowledge of Einstien, then travel here to warn yourself, therefore warning the future you about the past, which of course, will relate in a plothole just as soon as your true Kirbyness is revealed. GEBOHQKIRBY!

GebohqKirby: Huh?

Tune in next time to, perhaps understand this wild and twisted plot, and perhaps understand how Gebohq was eaten by kirby in the future before returning back in time to colect the body of einsteine so he could be smart enough to tell himself to watch out about going back in time to get einstiens body and warn himself about getting einstiens body, because it'd resolve in a never ending plotwhole. Did you just understand that? Neither did we!

------------------
Epic: Episode I TC, Epic: Podracing Mod MP/SP, Epic: Starbattles Mod MP/SP (http://www.jedinights.com/e21tc/)

[Krig the Viking]

(NSP: Egad. I've just caught up on page 43, and though I'm low on ideas and awake-ness right now, I felt I had to write and remind ya, Highemp - among others - that this is supposed to be a 'G'-rated story... You've already pretty much blown through 'PG' and are dangerously close to 'R'. Just a reminder. Carry on.)[/i]

------------------
"Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society." --Mark Twain

[The MAZZTer]

[NSP: *In responce to Kirb's post* ... Soooo....

Where the heck is MZZTtH?!? http://forums.massassi.net/html/confused.gif

Oh well... as long as I'm here I might as well make a little post... and since I can't make any sence of what's going on, I think I'll do a "filler" post...]

*In the Massassi Forums' Offices' basement, AntetW, GebtW, KrigtW, and MZZTtW are trying to plug up the water pipe with anything they can get their hands on, with little sucess*

Krig: *Frustrated to the point of... well... frustration* ARRGGGGGGGHHHHH!!!

*Krig punches his hand through the drywall, and unfortunately smashes another pipe, causing the water level to rise even faster.*

MZZTtW: *Stops helping and steps back* This isn't working. *Sees a valve on the wall marked "Water".* Hmmmm... *Turns it.*

*The water stops gushing as Geb takes a sledgehammer and wedges it into the pipe.*

GebtW: There!

*rumble rumble rumble rumble rumble RUMBLE RUMBLE RUMBLE RUMBLE RUMBLE*

AntetW: Uh oh.

*RUMBLE RUMBLE RUMBLE*

MZZTtW: Er... is it "Lefty tighty righty loosy?"

*RUMBLE RUMBLE RUMBLE*

GebtW: No, it's "Righty tighty lefty loosey". Everyone knows that. Why?

MZZTtW: .... CARP *Bolts for the door*

http://www.geocities.com/the_mega_zzter/boom.gif.txt

*The Massassi Forum Building 'splodes*

O_o Uh.... join us next time... I guess... er... blujay's gonna be mad I guess...

[cazor]

*cough*NeSsucks*cough*


http://forums.massassi.net/html/smile.gif

hahaha

------------------
..."And I think Mr. Frodo, I do understand, I know now. The folk in those stories had lots of chances of turning back, only they didnt. They kept going. Because they were holding on to something. That theres some good in this world, and its worth fighting for." -Samwise "The Brave" Gamgee

[The MAZZTer]

Pfft... I'm so proud of my gif that I post it in #massassi, and look what happens! http://forums.massassi.net/html/wink.gif

[Tracer]

*Deep in the Arabian desert a lone figure struggles to the crest of a dune. *

Mzzt the Writer: "I...I can't go on any longer. Curse you for leading us on this suicidal expedition, Gebohq! Curse you straight to Hell!"

*Mzzt falls to his knees and claws at the sand. A second robed figure appears beside him.*

Mzzt the Writer: "After all we've been through together, you've brought me out here to die. Why, Gebby? For the love of God, Why?"

Geb the Writer: "I brought you out here so you wouldn't have to apologize to blujay for destroying the Forums building! I helped you! And so far, the only thanks I've received are your accusations of betrayal!"

Mzzt the Writer: "Why would I need to make an apology? You were the one smacking things around with a sledgehammer!"

Geb the Writer: "So what? You opened the valve all the way!"

Mzzt the Writer: "Well, excuse me! Next time, call a plumber!"

Geb the Writer: "Maybe I will!"

Mzzt the Writer: "Good!"

Geb the Writer: "Great!"

Mzzt the Writer: "Fine!"

Geb the Writer: "Dandy!"

*The writers fall silent, staring out at the endless expanse of desert. A scavenger circles overhead.*

Mzzt the Writer: "I'm sorry, Geb. Fighting's no good at a time like this; we've got to keep it together."

*Geb seats himself beside Mzzt and pulls a compass out of his robe. The Mega Zzt'er watches him try to use it for a while. Eventually, Geb snaps the device shut in frustration.*

Mzzt the Writer: "We're lost, aren't we, Geb?"

Geb the Writer: "We're lost, and I don't know what to do, old friend. This looks like it could be the end."

*A camel gallops up the dune, stopping at the writers.*

Cookedhaggis the Writer: (with madness) "We'll launch a guerilla campaign against the Turks! It's the only way!"

*A crack of the whip, and Cookedhaggis rides off into the desert. The writers follow him with their eyes until he disappears from view.*

Geb the Writer: "This looks like it could be the end."

*Amid the washed-out rubble of the Massassi Forums Building, several writers are gathered in a semicircle, surrounding a casket. A holy man is saying a few words at the impromptu funeral.*

Reverend: "...We ask that the Lord God protect and watch over blujay, guiding him in his journey. Amen."

*The Reverend gives the signal, and the casket is carried off.*

Michael the Writer: "For once, I'm speechless."

Ante the Writer: "I guess Geb and Mzzt were too broken up about the whole thing to attend. Even with the short notice and all."

Maybe the Writer: "Those idiots. I had the plumber on the phone."

Ante the Writer: "I'm sure it was unintentional."

*Time passes.*

Krig the Writer: "Krig prevaded by deep sense of introspection."

*End.*

------------------
******.

[This message has been edited by Tracer (edited May 10, 2003).]

[This message has been edited by Tracer (edited May 10, 2003).]

[Gebohq]

(NSP: Krig brings up a point, and as moderator now, I unfortunately have to edit any content that would make your grandmothers pass out. While I won't edit Highemperor's last post, I will say now that I must be the bad guy and edit any future posts that delve into the R-rated area. Also, my excuse of a post in attempt to keep the writer's realm from having a dead blujay...)

Within the Realm of the Writers, Geb and MZZT the writer are clawing at the sand dunes.

Geb the writer: This could be the end...

Maybe the writer: Hey! Get back here you two!

*The camera pulls back. We see Geb and MZZT the writer in a large playground sandbox. Haggis the writer is on a playground spring camel, still yelling things about the Turks.*

MZZT the writer: What the...what are you doing here, Maybe?

Maybe the writer: Getting you loonies back from your play-time.

MZZT the writer: But I thought we were in hte Arabian desert...?

My bad. That should have been Arabian dessert.

Geb the writer: I was wondering why there was all this ice-cream dropped around. Kids seem pretty clumsy these days with their ice creams.

MZZT the writer: Arabian dessert?...

Maybe the writer: perhaps you should be more concerned that blujay is dead!

Reverand: Blujay? I thought we were mourning the loss of a bluejay. You know, the mascot of the Massassi Forums company.

*blujay then walks up*

blujay: Why are all you writers outside?

MZZT the writer: Well, uh, you see, we were trying to fix a water problem, and the building exploded, and...

blujay: Exploded?... If you're talking about the explosion of graffetti on the building, namely the big red "BOOM" written on it...

writers: Shwa? But...*comments of disbelief*

blujay: Now get back inside! You might hurt someone out here now that it seems apparent how psychotic you ISB people are.

*Grumbling, the other writers walk back in. Ford the writer grabs Haggis the writer with them.*

(NSP: Sorry, but I'd rather not kill off someone like blujay. Since the writers seem to be highly delusional though, everything else is still in question--I'd just rather keep the actions of the writers to a minimal myself. If someone had some big plan though, go ahead http://forums.massassi.net/html/smile.gif)

[This message has been edited by Gebohq (edited May 11, 2003).]

[DrkJedi82]

Jim7 the Writer, sitting in the corner, looks at the other writers...

J7tW: You fools you should have seen that the building was still here...

The other writers look at Jim7 the Writer, sigh, then go about their business

(NSP: yeah it was short but i felt i needed to post something)

------------------
JUST DO IT!...

...tomorrow

[The MAZZTer]

(NSP: Hahaha... I love destroying things with a mere whim!!! Heh... Nice responces, Tracer and Geb!... I should randomly blow stuff up more often http://forums.massassi.net/html/smile.gif)

[Tracer]

(NSP: Fair enough, Geb. I'll apologize in advance if this post screws anything up, but (no offense intended) NeS has been a little hard to follow since about the top of this page.)

*In the writers' realm...*

blujay: "Well, have you learned your lesson?"

Geb the Writer: "Yes. Avoid all contact with the outside world."

blujay: "Precisely. Now get back to work, you."

*The door slams shut.*

Geb the Writer: "Okay. Let's get on with the story."

Tracer the Writer: "I'm confused. I don't even understand what's happening."

In the Heroes' Realm...

*TLTEKirby stands in front of a smashed television set.*

Kirby: "Oprah Winfrey enrages me."

TLTE: "Pay attention when I'm talking to you! We've got to get to know one another if we're to inhabit the same body."

Kirby: "Sorry. Please continue to enthrall me with your gripping and topical story."

TLTE: "Very well then. So, I'm left for dead in downtown St. Petersburg, armed with only my shoes - hey, you're being sarastic!"

Kirby: "Look, pal, I'm all for this emotional sharing, but the last time I did something EVAL was (checks watch) at least fifteen minutes ago, and I'm starting to get ants in the pants."

TLTE: "They're my pants too you know."

Kirby: "Yes. What's your point?"

TLTE: "You never spare me any consideration. It's always 'I'm Kirby! Let's do what I want to do! Weeee!'"

Kirby: "I don't think I like where you're taking this..."

TLTE: "Once, just once, I would like to get a little politness. A please or a thank you, a 'did you have any plans for today, The Last True Evil?', something, anything, that would let me know you care."

Kirby: "Just stop. I beg you."

TLTE: "Oh that's great, that's wonderful. I'm really loving that! Just keep pouring salt on the wound. It's only my delicate state of mind you're tearing into."

Kirby: "Now who's being sarcastic, smart guy?"

*Before the odd visage of TLTEKirby arguing with himself can escalate any further, the door is kicked off its hinges!*

Suit #1: (waving a gun around) "Area secure! We've located him!"

Suit #2: "Sir, are you alright?"

TLTEKirby: "I'm under quite a lot of duress right now, and I'll thank you to not increase it by aiming loaded firearms at my person."

*The Suits blink.*

Suit #1: "Area secure! We've located him!"

Suit #2: "Sir, are you alright?"

Kirby: "Who are these strange men?"

TLTE: "Most likely KGB operatives on a mission to retrieve myself, The Last True Evil, and whisk me back to Russia so I may begin my next bid for world domination."

Kirby: "Sounds good. Let's go!"

TLTE: "The old me would have gone with them in an instant, eager to combat the forces of good. The new me, however, knows that the flowering of true fulfillment can only grow from the companionship of someone you love. Perhaps I should give Losien, my old nemisis, a call..."

Kirby: "This is unbelieveable! I want out!"

TLTE: "If only that thought had struck you before you chose to jointly posess my body. You pathetic mushroom."

Kirby: "I'm not a mushroom!"

TLTE: "Then what are you? Some other type of legume?"

Kirby: "Shut up!"

TLTE: "Bwahaha! The tormentor becomes the tormented."

*The entire give and take is lost on the Soviet Suits, who see only TLTE engaged in verbal combat with himself.*

Suit #1: "Area secure -"

Suit #2: "I know. You've said that three times."

Suit #1: "Sorry. I was going to keep repeating it until the situation made sense."

Suit #2: "Let's just gas him and take him back to base."

Suit #1: (shrugs) "Okay."

*The second suit tosses a grenade, which rolls to a stop at TLTEKirby's feet. Tranquilizing gas begins to leak out, and TLTEKirby immediately collapses, unconcious.*

------------------
******.

[JediKirby]

HAHAHAHA!

------------------
Epic: Episode I TC, Epic: Podracing Mod MP/SP, Epic: Starbattles Mod MP/SP (http://www.jedinights.com/e21tc/)

[Highemperor]

NSP: Sorry, guys, I suppose I did step over the line. I just put too many dirty references in one post - as opposed to you guys, who put only one or two in per post - and have been doing so ever since page 1. *cough*Geb*cough* So, you see, I have put less dirty references in my entire tenure as writer here than some of you have throughout the entire story. Muahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

Okay, but seriously, I apologize. Thanks for letting me know I was getting out of hand. Guess I was having a weird day.

RAM: It's NeS! It's ALWAYS a weird day!

Right. I knew that.

------------------
Quest on epic adventures or duel at the High Citadel (http://pub26.ezboard.com/bhighcitadel)!

[SATAN INCARNATE]

S51: Alright, so this goes on my pants?

Geb: Of course it goes on your pants... where else would it go?

S51: Well, it's a hat. One doesn't generally put a hat on one's pants.

Geb: It's not a hat, it's the latest in fashion.

S51: Really? Does fashion always look this utterly retarded?

Geb: I spend money buying you something nice and all you can do is insult it?

S51: I wasn't insulting the hat, I was insulting culture in general.

Geb: IT'S NOT A HAT!

S51: It's a closed piece of cylindrical piece of cloth with a brim? What the hell would you call it?

Geb: A bloint.

S51: ...A "bloint"?

Geb: Yes.

S51: ...You expect me to wear something called a bloint?

Geb: Why does the name make any difference?

S51: You really think I want people to look at me and say "Hey, check out that bloint-wearing-guy!"

Geb: You think people actually say that?

S51: Well I would.

Geb: Alright, give it back to me. I'll buy you a gun or something... something you'll use.

S51: No no, give it to me. I promise I'll use it.

Geb: What're you going to do with it?

S51: I'm going to wear it as a hat.


------------------
The Forge - SuperS51's Model Portfolio (http://supers51.woggle.org)

"Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you."

[shade]

B.U.M.P! say it with me now! B.U.M.P!

------------------
In The beginning the universe was created.
this has made a lot of people angry and been widely viewed as a big mistake.

[Gebohq]

A.S.R.T.D.!

(Avian Simian Related Technical Difficulties!)

NSP: Hmm...that's not quite as catchy as "B.U.M.P.!" Stupid exam week keeping me busy...

[Tracer]

*A black helicopter touches down on the Hall of Heroes' helipad.*

TLTEKirby: (steps out) "Ah, London. Not quite Moscow, but still a pleasant city."

Suit #1: "Are you sure you want to go in alone, sir?"

TLTEKirby: "Yes, comrade. Wait here."

*TLTEKirby enters the Hall of Heroes.*

Kirby: "Look, we're in their base. Are you sure you don't want to destroy the heroes in a wild orgy of destruction?"

TLTE: "For the last time, no."

Kirby: "Alright, but I still say we're making a huge mistake."

TLTE: "Be silent, and let me do the talking. Remember our mutual agreement."

Kirby: "Yeah, whatever..."

TLTE: "I am quite serious. You may not have realized it, but we look quite insane when we converse, and my mission requires good people skills."

Kirby: "Fine, fine, I'll keep a sock in it. I'd better get a chance to wreak some serious eval, though."

TLTE: "You will, my friend, you will."

*TLTEKirby continues trekking through the Hall of Heroes until he arrives at the lounge. The gang is all there: Gebohq and Galvatron shooting pool, CookedHaggis reading The London Times, MaybeChild watching TV. Janitor Bob is mopping a section of the floor while Krig stares intently into his bucket. Nobody notices TLTEKirby.*

TLTEKirby: "Ahem."

*Everybody looks up.*

Galvatron: "Great Scott! It's TLTE! In our base!"

Gebohq: "How did you penetrate our security systems?"

Galvatron: "Right here! With us!"

MaybeChild: "We don't have any security systems. You decided to buy a pool table instead, remember?"

Gebohq: "Well, yeah, but don't we have armed guards or something?"

Galvatron: "In the Hall of Heroes! Our home!"

Gebohq: "Yeah you can actually stop that now, Galv."

Galvatron: "Where we live!"

*Gebohq cracks Galvatron on the head with his pool cue. The error is corrected, but Galv is left with a conspicuous dent in his head.*

Gebohq: "So, what do you want, The Last True Evil? One final explosive showdown, so destructive that it could prove to be the end to us all?"

Kirby: "Yes!"

TLTE: "No!"

Gebohq: "Okay?"

TLTEKirby: "What I meant to convey was that I would like to speak to Losien."

*Just then, Losien enters the lounge.*

Losien: "Has anyone seen Mick? Oh, hi, TLTE."

TLTEKirby: (reaching into his breast pocket) "Ah, Losien. It has been such a long time. I have something for you."

*Everybody springs into action. Geb dives behind the pool table, Galvatron falls down and Krig stares intently into the bucket. MaybeChild screams, "Noooooo!", and makes a desperate slow-motion run for Losien.*

TLTEKirby: "For you, my dear."

Losien: "Aw, how sweet."

*Losien accepts the rose and looks around.*

Losien: "Why are you guys acting all strange?"

Gebohq: (peeking over the table) "Is it safe?"

Losien: "Of course it's safe, silly! The Last True Evil was just putting on a show of affection for me. (turns to TLTE) You are *so* cute."

TLTEKirby: "Well...I...er..."

*TLTEKirby begins mumbling in Russian, and the heroes regain their composure. Geb and Galv return to their game, and Krig stares intently into the bucket. Only MaybeChild remains wary.*

TLTEKirby: "So, like, I was wondering if maybe, you know, I could have dinner. Uh, with you."

Losien: "Of course you can! When?"

TLTEKirby: "Is now a good time?"

Losien: "Absolutely. Let's go."

TLTEKirby: "Excellent."

*TLTEKirby and Losien leave the Hall of Heroes, arms linked.*

Gebohq: "Eight ball in the corner pocket."

*Geb makes the shot.*

MaybeChild: "Aren't you going to do something?"

Gebohq: "About what? He asked her out, and she said yes. It's not a crime."

MaybeChild: "But it's TLTE! He's evil! He always tries to kill us!"

Gebohq: "Well -"

MaybeChild: "Always!"

CookedHaggis: "Perhaps we'd better warm up to the idea that The Last True Evil has retired from conquering the world in favour of more primal pursuits."

Super S51: "I'm with Maybe here. We've got to do something, blast it!"

*Super bangs his fist on the pool table for emphasis.*

CookedHaggis: (snorts) "All this coming from the man who can't even wear his bloint properly."

Super S51: "I'm telling you, it's a hat!"

Gebohq: "Please don't hit the pool table."

Kyle7: "I think the real question here is what are we going to do if The Last True Evil stops being evil. We'd be out of a job."

*The east wall blows open and Jim7 appears, his death-metal theme song blaring.*

Jim7: "Look at me! I'm evil! I'll fight!"

*Jump-Bot comes bounding into the lounge.*

Jump-Bot: "Victory is mine!"

*Jump-Bot launches himself at Jim with a hilarious 'boing!' sound from his pneumatic legs. He tackles Jim and sends the both of them crashing through a window, all in one powerful jump.*

Jim7: (receeding)"Ahhhhh!"

*Everybody listens until Jim7's scream goes out of earshot.*

Gebohq: "Where did that music come from?"

Krig: "Hee hee. Krig see funny man in bucket."

*Enjoy*.

------------------
Schism.

[This message has been edited by Tracer (edited May 17, 2003).]

[This message has been edited by Tracer (edited May 17, 2003).]

[This message has been edited by Tracer (edited May 17, 2003).]

[This message has been edited by Tracer (edited May 17, 2003).]

[JediKirby]

Oh. Dear. I. Can't. Wait.

*is being forced by geb to post*

------------------
Epic: Episode I TC, Epic: Podracing Mod MP/SP, Epic: Starbattles Mod MP/SP (http://www.jedinights.com/e21tc/)

[DrkJedi82]

On the ground we see Jim7 dusting himself off.

Jim7 kicks jump-bot

Jim7: piece of junk couldn't even hold together after only falling out of a 1st floor window...

Jim7 starts walking off wondering what caused the extreme boredom that made him want to fight with someone.

Jim7: maybe I'll go see if Rob fixed the go-kart.

a few minutes later, at the garage...

Rob: friggin piece of junk...

Jim7: What's wrong?

Rob: The steering wheel keeps falling off.

Jim7: did you try duct tape?

Rob: Not yet... but... GOOD IDEA!!!

Rob duct tapes the wheel in place

Rob: Holy carp that works

Jim7: w00t... let's drive it...

Rob: ok...

Jim7 and Rob drive off in the go-kart

------------------
JUST DO IT!...

...tomorrow

[The MAZZTer]

* As Jim7 and Rob are driving down the street (well, weaving, appearantly Rob is drunk... again... [Author's note: Jim said this, not me. http://forums.massassi.net/html/smile.gif]), they cross an intersection and get knocked off the road by a Dodge Viper. *

Ares: AUGH! Darn kids... put a dent in my Viper! *Drives off*

[shade]

as Ares drives off, a random bird passes by and bounces off Ares' windshield, leaving a splatter mark/fracture line on it much in the shape of Gebohq's face. as he veers about trying to see the road around the bird bits, the memories of his first encounter with Gebohq come flashing back. fighting off the blurry wavy line things worming their way across his vision, Ares swerves down the street. meanwhile, jim7 and rob go spinning down into a hobby shop, smashing into a light pole, causing it to wobble. the go-kart bounces upwards, at which point Jim7 discovers that he should have sprung for real duct-tape instead of the cheaper mallard tape as the steering wheel flies upwards, smashing the light bulb and causing sparks to fly everywhere. as the steering wheel falls back down, the rampant electricity from the light pole plays across the street, the steering wheel, and Jim7's recently aquired tattoo. the steering wheel falls down, bouncing off of rob's head and aquiring a charge as it passes over Jim7. the steering wheel then smashes into the hobby shop and electrifies a small airplane, sending it racing out of the building and up the street where it intersects the path of the random bird as it reflects off Ares' windshield. as the two intersect, a plot hole appears and spews out random radiation, merging the electrified plane and the random bird into a terrifying monster, which, due to the simple fact that the overall plot of NeS had been degrading for several weeks, was only the size of a small dog. intent on revenge, the monster chased after Ares. crashing through his rear window, the monster bounces off the front windshield and attempts to drive its beak into the already distracted Ares skull. instead it hits the flashback effect and the two cancel each other out, blasting the front windshield out in the process, allowing Ares to clearly see the brickwall as he runs into it.as he climbs out of the remains of his car, he trips and falls over a small chunk of rust.
"borng!"
standing back up, Ares dusts himself off and looks at the unholy merging of Dodge Viper and Brick Wall. fairly sure this is all Gebohq's fault somehow, due to the fact that Gebohq's face was the last thing he remembered seeing, Ares kicks the small chunk of rust, causing it to bounce off the car and land square against his chest, where the rust promptly slides off and the Small useless device that goes "Bing!" promptly attaches itself to Ares.
SUDTGB:"Bing! bing bing bing bing bing!"
as the SUDTGB makes its own version of diabolical Laughter, Ares decides that he should go back to his original plan. everything would be much better if he could just defeat Gebohq like he had wanted to in the first place.
-------------
there you have it, the long post I was promising.

------------------
In The beginning the universe was created.
this has made a lot of people angry and been widely viewed as a big mistake.

[The MAZZTer]

* Ares drives his new Dodge Viper (purchased 10 minutes ago at the nearest car dealership) up to a store which has a peculiar title: Al's Armory and Gun Store. Ares gets out of his Viper and walks into the store. *

Ares: *looking like a man on a mission, walks up to the store manager.* Ok Al, what's the biggest, most expensive piece of gunnery you can hook me up with?

Al: *looks up, startled, as he didn't notice Ares come in* Uh, what? Oh! You're loking for a gun? Well, lemme show you our economy model...

Ares: *grabs Al by his shirt* Look punk, I'm the god of war. I don't need no "economy model".

Al: Er... yessir...

Ares: *still holding on to Al* Now, what do you have for me today?

Al: Er.... We have the latest in technology *reaches below the counter as best he can in his rediculous position, fumbles for a bit, and pulls out an oddly shaped handgun, which looks more like a Handheld Nuclear Rocket Launcher.* This is a Handheld Nuclear Rocket Launcher.

Ares: *abruptly* Too small.

Al: Er... *fumbles some more, pulls out a slightly bigger gun* This is a...

Ares: *Pulls on Al's shirt some more, raising the small man off the gound* Give me the BIGGEST, most EXPENSIVE thing you have...

Al: Er... I'm afraid I can't reach it at the moment...

Ares: *excited* Yes?

Al: It's out back, won't fit in here...

Ares: *excited* Yes yes?

Al: I'm afraid the FBI tried to buy it but they were short by a few hundred...

Ares: thousand dollars?

Al: No, million.

Ares: YES!!!

Al: Uh sir?

Ares: What is it mortal? I'm busy plotting my archnemisis' downfall!

Al: Cash or check?

Ares: Put it on my tab. Show me it, now!

Al: Right this way sir.

*Pause*

Ares: Well?

Al: You have to let me go first, sir.

Ares: Oh. *Let's him go*

Al: Walk this way sir. *Waddles out the back door. Ares waddles after him.*

Egad! Such bad cliches! Will MZZT ever think up something original? Er... *cough*... I didn't say that. Anyways, what do you suppose the enormous, expensive weapon Ares now owns is? (I think I'll let one of you decide =D)

[Wuss]

Al: "It is not very big. However, it is the most powerful and versatile weapon we have."

Ares: "Is this some kind of joke?"

Al: "No, sir! I swear! It's the deadliest weapon ever created!"

*Sitting in a cage in front of Ares, was a puppy, the cutest, softest, most adorable puppy in the entire universe. With soft brown eyes that radiated love, it stares up at Ares, it's tongue hanging out slightly in a manner that is oh so disgustingly cute.*

Ares: "You have about two seconds to explain this or I'm going to kill you."

*Ares grabs Al by the shirt again and draws back his other fist, preparing to smash Al in the nose*

Al: "No! No! Please! I'll show you! I'll show you!"

*Al pulls away, ripping his shirt, and opens the cage. He pulls out the puppy and aims it at a nearby tree*

Al: "Sugar Dumpling, attack!"

*Ares snickers, but his laughter is cut short as his jaw drops in disbelief. A beam of light, wreathed in green flames, shoots from Sugar Dumpling's eyes, reducing the tree to cinder in the blink of an eye. A shockwave erupts from the surrounding ground, flipping over cars, uprooting other trees, and causing cracks to splinter across the surface of the earth, from which lava oozes out.*

Ares: "Uh... Do I have to call it 'Sugar Dumpling?' Can't I give it a more macho name like Killer or Spike? I mean... even the name 'Amanda' inspires more fear than 'Sugar Dumpling.'"

Al: "I'm sorry, sir. The only name it will respond to is 'Sugar Dumpling.'"

Ares: "Fine, fine. I'll take it."

Al: "Paper or plastic?"

*Will Gebohq be able to withstand the fearsome attacks of Sugar Dumpling? Will Ares' masculinity be compromised by having to carry around a puppy? Stay tuned!*

[Ringbearer]

Ares: At least this can't be as bad as that stupid "Killer Rabbit" fiasco. Guy claimed my enemies would meet their doom with nasty, sharp, pointy teeth, and all it took was a hand grenade to stop him! By Jove...

------------------
This space intentionally left blank.

[This message has been edited by Ringbearer (edited May 22, 2003).]

[Dormouse]

* Dor peers around a heavily mossy grove of picnic tables and discarded traffic cones, above his head seven plush bats flutter in the breeze awkwardly below a glowing anti-gravity disc *
* Pats one of the stuffed chiroptera on the head and mutters: *

Dor: What's that Myzo ? No, I know it's nothing like your old world, but doesn't it have a certain sort of rustic run-down suburban cesspool charm to it ? No, perhaps you're right. Let's move on.

* Dor wanders away from the painting towards the exit of the Hall of Heroes Gallerie. Peering out of the doorway to insure there's nobody around, Dor pulls a Multi-Purpose-Single-Buttoned-Hand-Held-Device from his pocket. After taking a moment to gaze long and hard in decision at the one button on the device, he presses it decisively. Instantly a plot-hole opens beneath his feet with a muffled "glaumphing" sound and he and his bats fall through with a slight "aieee" and moments later a subtle "krumph" *

* Looks around at the giant arena he appeared in, occupied by Darkside Gebohq and Ares, mutters to Craseo: *

Dor: Bother, we seem to have buzzed a bit too far through hyper-plot and ended up back in time.

* Gebohq lights his saber and charges at Darkside. Before he can swing Darkside ignites his saber and bisects Gebohq in a split second.... *

* Ares repairs the damage gebohq took with the force: "You DO NOT cut my friends in half..."

Dor: Epp !

* Presses the button on the MPSBHHD and stumbles into the newly-opened plot-hole, re-appearing in one of his secret lairs in an abandoned janitorial closet. Shoulders aside a scrub-brush, removes his foot from a metal bucket and smiles *

Dor: Ah yes Phyllo, gotta love the technology of the new world eh. Thyro, go select a cd, we need music while we work !

* Inexplicably a cd starts playing in the turntable, Dor nods at Thyro approvingly and starts setting out his lab to the sound of Best of Tchaikovsky, His Later Years *

* Dor pulls a glass coke-style bottle out of his stylish olive-drab military surplus backpack with the words: Lab-Inna-Bottle(c) written on the side, popping the bottle cap he spill a drop on the floor, re-caps the bottle and leaps backwards *
* With an excited "ZWHIRJJ" the Lab-Inna-Bottle(c) expands into a fully stocked rather-eccentric-but-more-cross-than-mad-scientist laboratory *

Dor: Excellent excellent ! Bwee-hee-hee-hee !

* The Best of Tchaikovsky album blares a particaulrly momentous and omenish series of chords as performed by John Denver covering Symphony in J Quorum, when suddenly there came a rapping, as of someone gently tapping, tapping at the store-room door.. *

------------------
My Cup of Tea (http://dormouse.spyw.com/)
"If i had known it was harmless, i would have killed it myself.." -A Scanner Darkly [Philip K Dick]-
.. Council of Krok ..
NPC.Interact::PressButton($'Submit');

[This message has been edited by Dormouse (edited May 21, 2003).]

[Krig the Viking]

Doctor Dor: "Yes? Who is it?"

*The door creaks open slowly, revealing a short figure, bristling with hair, wearing a dented and dirty horned Viking helmet. Yes, I'm sure you've already guessed who it is.*

Krig: "This not bathroom..."

Dr. Dor: "You're here! Excellent, excellent! Now, let us get to business!"

Krig: "Huh?"

Dr. Dor: "Well don't just stand there, did you bring it?"

*Krig shifts his weight and rummages around in his pockets, thinking deeply. He pulls out a small ball of tinfoil.*

Krig: "Krig bring shiny. Krig like shiny."

*The excitable doctor snatches the tinfoil from Krig's hand.*

Dr. Dor: "Excellent! This will greatly speed our progress! Come, Friedrick, we have work to do!"

*The Doctor ushers the Viking deeper into the lab, past beeping machines and bubbling test tubes and colourful paper mache donkeys hanging by strings. Abruptly, he stops and bends to Krig's level, putting a finger to his lips in a shushing motion.*

Dr. Dor (whispering loudly): "We must be very careful not to make any sort of noise at all! You never know what you might set off! This requires the utmost of delicacy!"

*With that, Dr. Dor hefts a sledgehammer and raises it over his shoulder.*

Dr. Dor: "Stand back now!"

What is our precariously preposterous professor up to? Find out next time -- next time someone posts, that is! Only on NeS, the story with heart!

------------------
"Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society." --Mark Twain

[[SF]pjb]

-suddenly PJB warps in from another dimention where he was jsut destoryd(wht that dymention)
the slege hammer come flying down and hits PJB's solid meatal head. but unfortunatly the incredible laws of physics in this univers mean taht the sound actiualy resonates into a deep infasound while being a ultra sound.

large canisters of explosive liquids start going off, and that ignites the "anti universe" deviece. the entire univerce(and this storie) ends in a BIG KABOOM!!!!!-

-pjb warps into another universe where fish eat jelly beans-

------------------
I am pjb.
Another post......
another moment of my life wasted.....
at least i made a level.
PJB's JK page's (http://www.geocities.com/SF_PJB1)

-the PJB jedi rule book-
rule one, "never trust a bartender with bad grammar"-kyle katarn in JO

Rule Two, "Gravity is a crule misstress" -kyle katarn in MotS, and the alternatior MK I in AJTD

[[SF]pjb]

-suddenly PJB warps in from another dimention where he was jsut destoryd(wht that dymention)
the slege hammer come flying down and hits PJB's solid meatal head. but unfortunatly the incredible laws of physics in this univers mean taht the sound actiualy resonates into a deep infasound while being a ultra sound.

large canisters of explosive liquids start going off, and that ignites the "anti universe" deviece. the entire univerce(and this storie) ends in a BIG KABOOM!!!!!-

-pjb warps into another universe where fish eat jelly beans-

------------------
I am pjb.
Another post......
another moment of my life wasted.....
at least i made a level.
PJB's JK page's (http://www.geocities.com/SF_PJB1)

-the PJB jedi rule book-
rule one, "never trust a bartender with bad grammar"-kyle katarn in JO

Rule Two, "Gravity is a crule misstress" -kyle katarn in MotS, and the alternatior MK I in AJTD

[[SF]pjb]

-suddenly PJB warps in from another dimention where he was jsut destoryed(with that dymention)
the slege hammer come flying down and hits PJB's solid meatal head. but unfortunatly the incredible laws of physics in this univers mean taht the sound actiualy resonates into a deep infasound while being a ultra sound.-

------------------
I am pjb.
Another post......
another moment of my life wasted.....
at least i made a level.
PJB's JK page's (http://www.geocities.com/SF_PJB1)

-the PJB jedi rule book-
rule one, "never trust a bartender with bad grammar"-kyle katarn in JO

Rule Two, "Gravity is a crule misstress" -kyle katarn in MotS, and the alternatior MK I in AJTD

[[SF]pjb]

-suddenly PJB warps in from another dimention where he was jsut destoryed(with that dymention)
the slege hammer come flying down and hits PJB's solid metal head-

------------------
I am pjb.
Another post......
another moment of my life wasted.....
at least i made a level.
PJB's JK page's (http://www.geocities.com/SF_PJB1)

-the PJB jedi rule book-
rule one, "never trust a bartender with bad grammar"-kyle katarn in JO

Rule Two, "Gravity is a crule misstress" -kyle katarn in MotS, and the alternatior MK I in AJTD

[[SF]pjb]

.--but unfortunatly the incredible laws of physics in this univers mean taht the sound actiualy resonates into a deep infasound while being a ultra sound.-
-large canisters of explosive liquids start going off, and that ignites the "anti universe" deviece. the entire univerce(and this storie) ends in a BIG KABOOM!!!!!-
-pjb warps into another universe where fish eat jelly beans-

------------------
I am pjb.
Another post......
another moment of my life wasted.....
at least i made a level.
PJB's JK page's (http://www.geocities.com/SF_PJB1)

-the PJB jedi rule book-
rule one, "never trust a bartender with bad grammar"-kyle katarn in JO

Rule Two, "Gravity is a crule misstress" -kyle katarn in MotS, and the alternatior MK I in AJTD

[[SF]pjb]

-pjb warps in from another univers that was just destroyed, and the slege hammer hits his head-


------------------
I am pjb.
Another post......
another moment of my life wasted.....
at least i made a level.
PJB's JK page's (http://www.geocities.com/SF_PJB1)

-the PJB jedi rule book-
rule one, "never trust a bartender with bad grammar"-kyle katarn in JO

Rule Two, "Gravity is a crule misstress" -kyle katarn in MotS, and the alternatior MK I in AJTD

[[SF]pjb]

i cant post my long post.

------------------
I am pjb.
Another post......
another moment of my life wasted.....
at least i made a level.
PJB's JK page's (http://www.geocities.com/SF_PJB1)

-the PJB jedi rule book-
rule one, "never trust a bartender with bad grammar"-kyle katarn in JO

Rule Two, "Gravity is a crule misstress" -kyle katarn in MotS, and the alternatior MK I in AJTD

[Dormouse]

[pain.. the edit and delete post buttons are your friends, don't spurn them for the love of Spiro..]

------------------
My Cup of Tea (http://dormouse.spyw.com/)
"If i had known it was harmless, i would have killed it myself.." -A Scanner Darkly [Philip K Dick]-
.. Council of Krok ..
NPC.Interact::PressButton($'Submit');

[The MAZZTer]

* Hearing the disturbance in Forum 7, Thread 32, Page 44, the Massassi Brute Squad charges into the janitor's closet/laboratory and finds [SF]pjb warping in and out of the universe and hitting himself with sledgehammers, all the while making canisters in the lab continually explode. *

All of the MBS (simultaniously): OMFGWTFN00B!!!

* All of the MBS members level their laser guns and power them up. The lasers each emit a piercing whine. *

MBS leader: Fire! Get that @#$%^*$... uh... how would I say "seven-poster"?

MBS guy 1: Dunno. "Octa-poster" is eight, but it's really close.

MBS leader: Get that @#$%^*$ octa-poster!!!

* Sound of laser gun triggers being pulled. Blinding flash of light *

http://www.geocities.com/the_mega_zzter/buzap.gif.txt

* Meanwhile... *

Ares: Buahaha... Gebohq will be no match for me now!

* Hops in his car, followed closely by Sugar Dumpling. Ares drives toward the HoH, while SD hangs her head out the window. *

Ares: Stop that! * Pulls SD back in * I don't want people thinking I love cute dogs... cute... ick... I KNEW I should've gone with the tank... * Grumbles under his breath as he passes a signpost: "1/2 mi to Big Ben" is crossed out, under that is scrawled: "2640 feet to the Hall of Heroes! Bwahaha! -MZZT, 100% average in Calculus 1" *

[Edit: Who is Spiro?]

[This message has been edited by The_Mega_ZZTer (edited May 22, 2003).]

[DogSRoOL]

[During his unconsciousness, pjb dreams that he can right click on the forum page and click refresh if his posts aren't showing up. He awakens in a few hours to discover that it's true.]

------------------
"The Just shall live by faith." - Galatians 3:11

[This message has been edited by DogSRoOL (edited May 22, 2003).]

[JediKirby]

The Dim lights of the resturaunt creates a mood of lust. TLTEKirby and Losien sit near the small orcistra, looking into eachother's eyes. TLTEKirby's harsh Russian voice softens to a near whisper.

TLTEKirby Oh Losien, Your eyes glow beautifully in this light...

Losien Really? Your... rather large eyes are glowing in this light... too.

TLTEKirby Oh Losien, I love you...

Losien You... You love me?

Oh, this is horrible. What was he thinking, the first date!?

TLTEKirby I... I love your... nose. Yeah, your nose. That's what I was saying.

The Waiter, thank god, interupts.

Waiter Misuer, what will you be having?

TLTEKirby looks up from Losien, as she looks at herself in her spoon sighing.

TLTEKirby Ah... well, no meat, I don't want to turn into DeadChickenKirby again... oh, that was horrible! I'll take a ceaser salad, but a Damn big one. And when I say **** , I mean Damn! With a bolded D!

Waiter Yes... sir. You ma'am?

Losien looks up from the spoon

Losien I'll take a bowl of chicken noodle soup, and a country fried steak. No vegies.

Waiter Yes Ma'am.

The waiter exits and TLTEKirby looks at the waiter walking away. Kirby's portion of control forces the fat pink hand to pick up a steak knife, and whip it across the room at the waiter, killing him instantly.

Kirby I R TEH EVAL!

TLTE **** YOU, YOU'RE RUINING MY DATE!

Kirby You're date? YOUR DATE!? YOU'RE NOT HALF THE MAN WE ARE!

Losien Um, Evaly... are you ok?

[i]Will Kirby continue killing people in his strive for all evalness? Will TLTE find some way to seperate from Kirby to get closer to Losien? Will EinstienKirby and GebohqKirby destroy TLTEKirby? Will more Kirbys arive? Will someone teach that guy how to post his ****ing posts? Will I ever stop asking questions? Find out next time, on the tales of N.E.S.[i]

(NSP: *Breaths Heavy* Been a while since I posted. Yah, I'm not all that creative today.)

------------------
Epic: Episode I TC, Epic: Podracing Mod MP/SP, Epic: Starbattles Mod MP/SP (http://www.jedinights.com/e21tc/)

[The MAZZTer]

* A very dark place. Nothing is discernable in the lack of light. A low pitched humming sound is continually being... well, hummed... by some machinery some distance away. A low groan pierces the monotony. *

MZZTtH: Owwww *Holds his head* Where am I?

* MZZTtH is sprawled on the ground. He gets up and walks to a barely visible door. There are small, short vertical slats in the door at eye level. As MZZTtH's eyes adjust to the darness, he discerns that the door is solid steel, as are the walls. *

MZZTtH: I have a bad feeling about this... if this door is locked... *Tries to open the door.* Locked. Figures.

* MZZTtH sits down on a bed--more like a shelf actually--and looks at his attire. He is wearing stripes. Black and white vertical stripes. MZZTtH groans harder and rubs his head again.*

MZZTtH: What's the last think I can remember... ah... TLTEKirby offered me a piece of himself to eat, and I accepted it. Why did I do that again? MZZTtW certantly didn't write that story! *Gets up and walks around the room.*

* As MZZTtH's footsteps echo, the camera pans to the part of the room he is walking in, which is bathed in total darkness. Fifteen more footsteps can be heard, and then a trip, a grunt and a thud. *

MZZTtH: Gah! Who put this sack here?!?

KrigtH: Uuuughh.... Kirg hurt...

MZZTtH: Oh. *Gets up*

KrigtH: Where are Krig and funny Jedi?

MZZTtH: We're in some sort of prison, Krig. I guess TLTEKirby locked us here somehow. I'll bet the other heroes think we're dead.

KrigtH: Well, writer is writing about Krig and Jedi. Why not he tell other heroes?

MZZTtH: Because that would be no fun.

KrigtH: Hmm.. Krig see point, but still think MZZTtW should tell.

MZZTtH: Shhh!

* Krig and MZZT fall completely silent, and all that can be heard is the aforementioned annoying humming, and footsteps. Someone outside the room starts whistling "If I only had a brain". As the whistling draws closer, it's source stops right outside their door, along with the footsteps. *

Guard: *Raps on door.* Meal time!

KrigtH: Oooh! Goodie! *Runs to door,*

Guard: Here you go. *Sliding noise. A couple of hard-drive sized silver-colored packets are pushed under the door. The Guard begins whistling again and walks away.*

MZZTtH: *Runs to door and puts his face in the window.* Wait!

* The footsteps and whistling stop, and the guard walks back. *

Guard: What?! *The guard's annoyed countanance is clearly visible through the door slits. He looks a little familiar, although MZZTtH cannot place him.*

MZZTtH: I demand to know why we are being held here! And by whom! And I demand to see my attorney!

Guard: Sorry, I can't reveal any of this to you. You will find out in due time. And as for your attorney, you do not have any rights while you are here! *Walks away faster.*

MZZTtH: *Sighs and slumps to the floor.* Well Krig old buddy, let's see what we got. Picks up a packet and begins tearing at it ravenously.

* Krig picks up the other packet and attempts to tear it open. MZZT gets his open first. *

MZZTtH: WHAAAT?!? Cheap TV Dinners! And no heating instructions! *Looks around and sees a microwave in the cell. Sighs heavily and stares at the frozen chickin in his packet.*

* Krig shrugs and eats his packet, wrapping and all, After munching for a moment, Krig speaks confidently.: *

KrigtH: Krig know where we are.

MZZTtH: *Snaps to attention.* What? How?

KrigtH: Krig gourmet. Krig know all about different tastes of food.

MZZTtH: *Excited.* So you know who made this stuff?

KrigtH: Krig do. Food was made by "TLTE Industries". Krig think we prisoners in TLTE's Main Complex in New Jersey.

MZZTtH: Wow! I never even heard of such a place! That's why that guard looked familiar, he must've been TLTETGuard! And you figured this out all by taste?!?

KrigtH: No. Label on your packet. *Points to MZZT's packet, which has "TLTE Industries" printed on it, and a mailing label reading "TLTE's Main Complex, TLTEville, New Jersey, 08000" *

MZZTtH: Then what was that about the gourmet stuff?

KrigtH: Krig was going to say we in a bad place with bad food. Then Krig see label.

MZZTtH: * Sighs * Well, how are we going to get out of here...

KrigtH: Vikings like gadgets. Krig have many gadgets.

MZZTtH: They took them all, Krig.

* Right after saying that, MZZT realized he was wrong. For some unknown reason only fathomable by everyone, the TLTEs had let the Viking keep his hat. *

KrigtH: Not Krig's hat. *Taps his Viking hat.* Miniature cellular phone built into Viking hats. Keeps Vikings connected. "Viking Wireless, Join in."

MZZTtH: Krig, you're a genius! *Takes Krig's hat, with the Viking's premission of course, and puts it on.* We'll be out of here in no time! Hmm... "123-4567"! There! That aughta do it! *Waits nervously.*

Will MZZT and Krig get through to the HoH?!? Will anyone be THERE to get their message, or will they be forced to leave it on the answering machine?!? If they do get through, what kind of rescue will Geb and his friends plan for their prized food expert and their... er... well... their prized food expert and that other guy?!?

MZZTtH: Well, Krig's pretty valuable to the heroes, so I figure as long as I stick with him...

------------------
The Mega-ZZTer's Gaming Haven! (http://the_mega_zzter.tripod.com/)
I finally got around to updating my sig... *grumble*...

[This message has been edited by The_Mega_ZZTer (edited May 24, 2003).]

[The Last True Evil]

*TLTEKirby excuses "himself" to the bathroom, trying to regain some composure. The proud spymaster splashes his face with water, trying not to notice the noticeably pinkish hue his skin has recently received.*

TLTE: Kirby, you know this night is special to me! Ever since I saved her from a semitrailer accident many pages back, we've harboured a quasi-romantic relationship...and although she's never admitted to this or even felt the same way, I think she could be just what I need to get me through this whole evil/transitional phase.

*The Kirby within feigns to listen carefully, then rapidly dispenses soap into their collective hands and rubs it into their eyes. Much anguish ensues. In the background, [SF]pjb warps in from another universe and blows up, but nobody really notices.*

TLTE: That's it! We are through!

*Summoning all of his Siberian-born, Siberian-bred courage, he stuffs his hand in his mouth and with a huge effort, pulls Kirby out of his essence, throwing him against the wall and sucker-punching him.*

TLTE: Now, while I have a romantic dinner with Losien, you go back and watch over Krig and MZZt until I can think of a wholesome, good-natured way to release them! And NO MORE BEING EVAL!

*He storms out, leaving the stunned Kirby to watch [SF]pjb warp in and out of their universe in a very irritating way.*

-BACK AT THE TABLE!-

*Losien, looking at least two steps above ravishing in a shimmering turqoise dress, looks around petulantly. She is about to get up when TLTE, looking quite dapper in Versace, gently sits her down again.*

Losien: TLTE-

TLTE: Look, Losien, I don't have to be bulimic to see that I've been giving you the wrong impression...

Losien: Er...what?

TLTE: You know, bulimic. A mind-reader.

Losien: Oh...ohhhh!! You mean-

TLTE: I just...I like you, Losien.

Losien: You do?

TLTE: I do. I really do. When you first met me, I was a self-opinionated jerk, a cavalier with a sexist attitude. As the time passed, I lost these traits but got steadily more evil, which I suppose didn't go down too well in the female popularity stakes...

Losien: You figured that out yourself?

TLTE: I did...and now, well...I'd just like some company. Someone like you could help me become a good person. Could you be that person?

*As Losien looks at her old enemy, ancient struggles and vendettas melt away. Could she actually...like TLTE?*

Losien: I...I guess I could try...

*TLTE smiles a smile he had never used before. Instead of a smug grin reserved for knifing someone in the sternum, or a loud guffaw reserved for doomsday plots, it is an earnest, sappy smile of the newly-infatuated.*

TLTE: Come on, I'll by you an ice cream...

-MEANWHILE!-

*Kirby straightens himself in the men's room, feeling strangely more powerful than before. He feels...legion.*

Voice: Hey buddy!

*Kirby spins. It is the manager, having looked at Kirby and the Kirby-shaped dent in the wall and being smart as managers go, putting two and two together.*

Manager: You'll be paying for that!

Kirby: No...I think, somehow-

*He thrusts his hand into the manager's ribcage, drawing on all the knowledge of clones and replication he learned from being one with TLTE. A steady pink ooze engulfs the manager, turning him into...*

KirbyManager: -We'll pay for it.

*An EVAL confrontation begins to form...*

------------------
"You have to tame the wild beast before you let it out of its cage."

-Derek Zoolander

[JediKirby]

Why am I the character bi**h?

------------------
Epic: Episode I TC, Epic: Podracing Mod MP/SP, Epic: Starbattles Mod MP/SP (http://www.jedinights.com/e21tc/)

[The Last True Evil]

I was excused from character bi**h as I've been one since my inception. Either roll with the punches or leap into a plot-hole, NeS style http://forums.massassi.net/html/smile.gif

[The MAZZTer]

Outside the hall of heroes...

Ares: Well, were here, Sug... SD! *Picks the dog up and carries her. Walks to the door of the HoH. Hmm...*

Ares, drawing on his powers as a god of war, takes a sideways look at the door, which promptly crumbles.

Ares: I love my job. *Walks in.*

At the top...

A phone is ringing. The entire HoH is empty, except for Janitor Bob, who is ignoring the phone intentionally, trying to sweep the floor. Ares walks in.

Ares: Darnnit! I can't find Gebohq ANYWHERE! *Sees JBob, who looks at Ares and turns as white as a sheet.* You! Where is Gebohq?

JBob: OMQ IT'S ARES!!!

JBob reacts quickly. He dives into his janitor's closet close by and... closes and locks the door.

Ares: Pfft. I expected more, even from MORTALS. *Walks toward the closed door.*

Suddenly, an alarm blares.

Alarm: WARNING! SECURITY SYSTEM ACTIVATED.

A steel door falls into place over the normal one. Seconds later, a forcefield goes up, making the closet all but inpenetrable.

Ares: Correct. All but inpenetrable. That was fair for a mortal, but not good enough.

Ares raises his hand and destroys the wall right NEXT to the door, and steps into the closet, where JBob is weeping in a corner.

Ares: Now mortal! Answer me this...

JBob holds his breath as the music soundtrack that has been building all this time finally creshendos into silence.

Ares: Where is Gebohq?1?

JBob: *Releases breath.* Oh! Is that all?

Ares: What?

JBob: I thought you were going to rain down fire and pestilence and all that stuff onto the HoH.

Ares: No... but good idea mortal. I will be sure to do that some time in the future. Now. Tell me where Gebohq is.

JBob: Well... I don't know.

Ares: *sigh*

JBob: With all the heroes running around, I don't know who's where!

Ares: *abruptly* What's that noice?

Ares has finally noticed the phone ring, which has been going on all this time.

JBob: I'm pretty sure it's the telemarketers again. They'll give up eventually... I guess this batch is persistant.

Ares: Let me handle them. *Walks out of closet and over to the phone. JBob follows him. Ares picks it up.* Er.. hello?

MZZTtH: Yes! Hello! (Krig, we got through!) Er, have we reached the Hall of Heroes?

Ares: You have.

MZZTtH: Well, we're in quite a fix down here, can I speak to Gebohq?

Ares: He's not here right now. What are you trying to sell us?

MZZTtH: Sell? Er, nothing.

Ares: Liar! I hear it in your voice. You'll craftily build up a set of excuses of why you're calling, and then force me to buy whatever it is you're selling when I'm unprepared! In fact, I'll bet you were going to say you were trapped in the dungeon of a madman and you needed help, then you'd try to sell us authentic prison tin cups from the 19th century!

MZZTtH: Wait! That's not true! ... Er... it kinda is true, but not the way you think it is!

Ares: A-HA! You admit it!

MZZTtH: No! I mean, yes! I mean,... what was the question again?

Ares: We don't want any! Goodbye! *Slams the phone down.*

JBob: Well handled, sir.

Ares: Thank you. *Looks JBob over.* Maybe some mortals DO know their place. *Puts his arm around JBob's shoulder.* How would you like to assist me and destroyig Gebohq, and then conquering the world?

JBob: *Hesitates* Well, what would I get for it?

Ares: I understand "Geb" is a good friend of yours, so I will pay you well to help me. *They start walking to the stairs.* I am prepared to make you the right-hand man of my empire, once we conquer the world.

JBob: Er... I don't think I'd like that...

Ares: *Surprised to be turned down at an offer like that, he flusteres* Well.. how about... oh! I know! *Grins* How about being head janitor of my empire?

JBob: *Quickly, without hesitation.* I'm in.

Ares and JBob both walk to Ares' Viper. What has JBob got himself mixed up in now? Perhaps he is feeling the boredom of being left by the heroes to clean all day, and wants to prove himself. In any event, stay tuned for the next exciting episode!

JBob: *thinking to himself* Is that a puppy under his arm?

[DrkJedi82]

standing next to Ares's viper we see Jim7

Jim7: Isn't your name spelled Aries?

Ares: I... I... I... *stands staring into space obviously very confused*

Jim7 punches Ares in the stomach

Jim7: THAT'S FOR BUSTING UP MY GO-KART!!!

Jim7 walks off

------------------
and the menkey said WRAA!!!

[Gebohq]

(NSP: I'm not quite sure what qualities of a character makes them like a [female dog] ( http://forums.massassi.net/html/wink.gif) but I will say you all are writing some good stuff!

As for me, I will post. Stupid school stuff is keeping me from doing otherwise. So until then...)

Benevolant
Upwards
Mobility
Post!

Or as you'll most likely see in the webcomic (if my memory serves me correctly)

Benevolant
Unscripted
Mysterious
Postponement!

I know, not as catchy, but more fitting for the webcomic http://forums.massassi.net/html/smile.gif

[shade]

I'm afraid I can't use Geb's excuse, I'm between schools right now, I get 12 hours of work, then 24 hours of free time, so I'll just bluntly say it. I don't know what to post, I'm still trying to figure out what's going on! I so confuused!

------------------
In The beginning the universe was created.
this has made a lot of people angry and been widely viewed as a big mistake.

[JediKirby]

(NSP: *Creeps out from the shadows.* I'm not doing anything... uh.... time for a well needed post.)

Back in the Eval TLTE place thingy, MZZTer and Krig sit, wondering what to do.

Krig We could always call cops...

SU_Mega_ZZTer But see Krig... That's what they want us to do! Yeah, then, see, then they'd... uh... kill us... see, and...that would be bad, right?

Krig Funny man acting strange...

Just then, from the shadows, two large outlines can be seen, siloheted on the black background, pink flesh shining...

SU_Mega_ZZTer OH MY GOD! IT'S TLTEKIRBY! AND... another TLTEkirby...?

EinstienKirby No you imbisul, It's GebohqKirby and EinstienKirby! We're here to save you!

GebohqKirby[b] Uh, yeah, sorry about knocking you unconcious and making a plastic mold of your body in hopes to catch TLTEKirby... it was only for the good of the future...

[b]Kirg Ah... funny Kirby's...

SU_Mega_ZZTer Where have you guys been!?

GebohqKirby Well, we went back in time to get another Kirby to help us put a stop to...

GebohqKirby checks his watch

GebohqKirby Well, he's ManagerKirby now, his 3rd evalist form. We don't have much time until he reaches the ulimate level of evalness.

SU_Mega_ZZTer Wait... where'd you guys come from again?

EinstienKirby Well, FutureKirby knew that he would eat TLTE, and conquer the world and destroy everyone and everything in it, so he ate Gebohq, traveled back in time via the timetraveler, then found Einstien, Ate him, which created a parelex, making two Kirby's, GebohqKirby, and I, EinstienKirby. Now, we retrieved a Third kirby from Einstien's Time, that agent is currently retrieving more Kirby's, creating even more parelexes, creating an entire army of Kirby's to put an end to this time's kirby's eval. Basically, we're really kickass timefighters from the future's past, and we're here to kick some major bootay!

Krig Uh?

SU_Mega_ZZTer Uhhhh, so, who did you bring back from the past... er... future.. eh... yeah, whatever...?

Just then, the entire roof of the eval jailcell lifted up, revieling... non other than.... KrigTheVikingKirby!

Meanwhile, outside of the HoH, Ares nurses his wound as Jim7 starts to walk away. Just then...

ManagerKirby Wait, Jim7!

Jim7 I... Uh... What?

Ares Who the... what are you?

ManagerKirby The letter you both recieved this morning... It was from me...

Ares reaches into his pocket and pulls out a napkin. It reads...


<font face="Verdana, Arial" size="2">Dear Ares,
Aren't you eval? Yes, you're eval enough. Wanna join my eval group of eval people? Come to the HoH at 5:00 today if you're interested.

Thanksbuhbye
</font>

Ares Ah, so this is what all of this is about... I'm interested...

Jim7 Well... I'll hear what you have to say...

ManagerKirby Great, let's go back to the Hall Of Eval... My new eval fortris...

Later, at the HoE... oh, that's funny... Who put this in the script!? Oh... it's not a joke... erm... sorry. As I was saying... At the HoE, a 3 room appartment in NYC, ManagerKirby sits in a large Booster Seat with a sign on the top of it saying 'REALLY EVAL BOOSTER SEAT OF DOOM'. ManagerKirby speaks...

ManagerKirby ...And then when we get back, we'll have an army capable of stoping even the strongest of Good Kirby's... Are you both with me?

Ares Only if I get to be the one who kills Gebohq...

ManagerKirby Ah... well... see, uh, yeah, sure... Jim?

Jim Well... Uh... Sure, but only if you stop saying Eval.... I mean, it's cool and all, but... it gets a little old...

ManagerKirby Fair enough...

JBob I'm still here...

What dastardly plans will the 3 Prime Eval's Cook up next!? Is this really the end of it all? What new form will the Eval Kirby take next? Where exactly is our hero jEDIkIRBY in the mits of all of the Eval? Did TLTE get any after his date? Find out next time, on N E S.

(NSP: *Drifts Back Into The Shadows Talking About Some Eval Plot*)

------------------
Epic: Episode I TC, Epic: Podracing Mod MP/SP, Epic: Starbattles Mod MP/SP (http://www.jedinights.com/e21tc/)

[Gebohq]

B.U.M.P.!

RAM: Boo! I give that B.U.M.P.! a measly 2!

[shade]

arg! the dreaded Writer's Block strikes again!!!
Shade The Writer:must...find...Writer's...C4...*gasp*
meanwhile, in the eternal struggle between good, Eval, and cheese-whiz, Galrek wanders about uselessly, no longer guided by the genius of a writer, he stumbles into walls, and eventually finds himself stumbling through the door of the HOE. as he totters around he trips over the table, falling face first in the middle of it. after a few seconds, snores can be heard and a small puddle of drool works its way across the table and into Ares' Lap.
Ares:"gah! I just had this armored kilt cleaned last week! I will Kill Him! and then I will use his rotting corpse to destroy Gebohq!!"
ManagerKirby:"riiigghhht...Ares, can you think of anything but destroying Gebohq? we want to subjugate the entire population of the planet, not one measly occupant."

------------------
In The beginning the universe was created.
this has made a lot of people angry and been widely viewed as a big mistake.

[JediKirby]

Um... I'll post in about 20 minutes.

Oh, and... Shade... who's this character of yours? Lastly... I usually like to call it formatting.

JediKirby

------------------
Epic: Episode I TC, Epic: Podracing Mod MP/SP, Epic: Starbattles Mod MP/SP (http://www.jedinights.com/e21tc/)

[shade]

Galrek The Neutral! who else?!

------------------
In The beginning the universe was created.
this has made a lot of people angry and been widely viewed as a big mistake.

[JediKirby]

<font face="Verdana, Arial" size="2">Originally posted by shade:
Galrek The Neutral! who else?!

</font>

That makes so much sense it hurts...

ACTUALLY Posting in 20 minutes...

JediKirby



------------------
Epic: Episode I TC, Epic: Podracing Mod MP/SP, Epic: Starbattles Mod MP/SP (http://www.jedinights.com/e21tc/)