Commenting on a complaint from a Mr Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for NorthWest Gas said "We agree
it was rather high for the time of year. It's possible Mr. Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house."
(The Daily Telegraph)

Police reveal that a woman arrested for shoplifting had a hole salami in her knickers. When asked why, she said it was because she was missing her Italian boyfriend.
(The Manchester Evenings News)

Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because they cannot issue a description. It's a special branch vehicle and they don't want the public to know what it looks like. (The Guardian)

After being charged £20 for a £10 overdraft, 30-year-old Michael Howard of Leeds changed his name by deed poll to "Yorkshire Bank PLC Are Fascist *******s". The bank has now
asked him to close his account, and Mr *******s has asked them to repay the 69p balance, by cheque, made out in his new name.
(The Guardian)

A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coastguard spokesman commented, "This sort of thing is all too common". (The Times)

At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coastguard on the spot and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied that he was sorry, but he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff.
(Aberdeen Evening Express)

Mrs Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue, Boscombe, delighted the audience with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled. "He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out "Heil Hitler".
(Bournemouth Evening Echo)

THE YEAR'S BEST [ACTUAL] HEADLINES OF 2002:

Crack Found on Governor's Daughter

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash

Expert Says Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?

Prostitutes Appeal to Pope

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

Teacher Strikes Idle Kids

Miners Refuse to Work after Death

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

War Dims Hope for Peace

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

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"LC Tusken: the idiot is the person who follows the idiot and your not following me your insulting me your following the path of a idiot so that makes you the idiot"
NMGOH || Jack Chick preaches it || The Link of the Dead

bwhahaha.

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Gondor has no pants.
Gondor needs no pants.

hehehe

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I'm not an actor. I just play one on TV.

Those three are my favorite; and they're all conveniently right next to each other! As for the third one, how could anyone think of it the way it was meant to be thought of as the title of the article? In other words, idle shouldn't be used as a verb in that title.

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Have a good one,
Freelancer

*dies laughing*

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My Daily Ramblings
"This world is made of love and peace!"
"Let's live today, let's live tomorrow, and let's live the day after that, even if it means living in eternal pain."
- Vash the Stampede

Where did you get these? Jay Leno's Headlines? Some of those are pretty funny.

I remember one I heard, something like: "All kids must be shot by Monday."

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Interesting Fact: Ivan the Terrible ordered an elephant executed because it failed to bow for him.

/dies laughing and laughs so much im kicked out of heaven* that stuff is so funny!

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janitor bobs idea of rogers video: He's actually the overweight guy next door who has a HUGE selection of videos, including the entire Lethal Weapon, Halloween, and 'Ernest' series.
The advantage is is that you can 'borrow' movies for long amounts of time without him remembering that you borrowed them.

The disadvantage is the pizza cheese grime on the DVDs

Kicked out of Heaven? You mean you're there already? What's it like?

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Kids must be shot by Monday.

Honesty tests for workers can't be trusted, report says.

Psychopaths are unpredictable.

Jay Leno's Headlines > Everything

Dear god we can only hope.

Being a bit presumptious... just for that your going to hell you know

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Thanks, Wolfy.

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The future is here, and all bets are off.

That list has been around for much longer than 2002, I remember reading it in high school. Still, damn funny

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The Massassi-Map
There is no spoon.

wow, that was the best laugh i've had in awhile. thanks, wolfy.

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"No good can ever come from staying with normal people"
-Outlaw Star
"Some people play tennis. I erode the human soul"
-Tycho, Penny Arcade

http://edition.cnn.com/2004/TECH/science/01/29/science.sex.reut/index.html

...and here's a late contender.

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Cantina Cloud | BCF | The Massassian 1 & 2 | Gonkmeg
Corrupting the kiddies since '97

I've been saying it for years.

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Roach - Steal acceptance, lend denial.

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