So heres the deal; in my group dynamics class, we were told to write a story about a group of 6 people charged with a task, where three of the members where dominant, instulting, and unreliable. Below is my team's entry. As I was declared chairperson, I got the dubious honor of writing it.
The story is full of subtle inside jokes and references to other members of my class, so that part of the humor is going to be lost, but its still pretty funny... (the names of the characters are modifications of the names of other members of my class...)
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The future is here, and all bets are off.
[This message has been edited by GBK (edited February 20, 2004).]
The story is full of subtle inside jokes and references to other members of my class, so that part of the humor is going to be lost, but its still pretty funny... (the names of the characters are modifications of the names of other members of my class...)
Quote:
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Once upon a time, in a parallel universe of twisted proportions, ACME corp. commissioned a group to develop a cannon capable of launching a person into space. This group consisted of 6 individuals of various backgrounds, all experts in their respective fields.
The first member, Bat Mauer, claimed to have been launched into space several times, and returned safely through the atmosphere without safety equipment or parachute. (This could probably be attributed to his swollen head…) He was unable to prove his claims, but was nevertheless made a member of this team.
The second member, Jess Swanson, had a background in industrial pneumatics. He was fired from his last position for taking an axe to a high-pressure system in a fit of rage. The act should have killed him instantly, but he somehow survived unharmed. His actions won him an honorable mention in the Darwin awards. He suffers from Tourett’s syndrome, which causes him to be verbally abusive and use excessive amounts of profanities when speaking to his coworkers. He often forgot to take his medication.
The third member, Larry Dumbass, was an expert in firearms and explosives. He was dishonorably discharged from the military for killing his whole squad in an “accident”. Although never proved, investigators suspect that it involved alcohol, drugs, and a significant amount of C4. His coworkers regarded him as something of an “unreliable asset”, as he is frequently late to meetings.
The fourth, Renee Aatz, was an aeronautical engineer. She had a background in high-speed projectile systems, graduating from URR Technical Institute at the age of 10. Extremely non-confrontational, she has lived a sheltered life within a government think-tank behind black-painted windows. This was her first job in the civilian sector, and she was finding it difficult to deal with some of her coworkers.
The fifth, Sean Childers, was a professor of Physics from LFU. Sean was an honorary graduate of Animal House, somehow earning a degree in astro-physics (Probably because he spent most of his time in college feeling as if he were weightless in space…) He was well loved by all of his students and coworkers, possibly due to the rather large garden in his backyard, where he grew experimental “herbs”, which he gladly “tested” on any willing subjects. Despite all of this, he was a conscientious worker, and contributed 100% toward the furtherance of the project.
The last, and resident psychic, The Great Waldropinii, was the chairman of the group. Waldropinii was a retired vet of the ACME air force, and holds the record for the highest amount of mid-air collisions. A self-proclaimed expert on air-turbulence, air-flatulence, and air-headedness, he has the distinction of being the only member of the group to have actually started his own religion. Despite his obvious inconsistencies, he is considered the most stable of the group.
The first meeting took place on a Friday 13th, on a full moon, and every member walked under a painter’s ladder upon entering the building. The chairman, Waldropinii, started the meeting despite Larry’s absence. The first item of discussion: safety equipment. Before he completed his first sentence, Bat interrupted with a flurry of opposition, claiming that absolutely no safety equipment was necessary, citing his previous claims of success. Jess countered this with a plethora of profane insults directed first at Bat for his outrageous claims, and then at Waldropinii for trying to regain control.
During this rather heated argument, Larry finally arrived. However, while ducking under the ladder, he tripped over a black cat and fell headlong though the door. After brushing himself off, he received a burst of insults from Jess for his little “accident”. This caused Larry to turn and leave, crying his eyes out. Not seeing where he was going, he stepped on the cat’s tail, sending the cat on a full-out clawing of Larry’s right leg. Larry, blinded by tears, screaming in pain, proceeded to stumble into the ladder, and knock the painter to the ground. After this little display, Waldropinii called the meeting to a close.
The group reconvened a week later. Larry was late, of course, and received a stout grilling from Jess upon his arrival. Waldropinii managed to regain control and started the discussion of the weeks issue; propellant. Jess suggested the use of pressurized air to launch the cargo, to which Bat responded with a rant on the pathetic performance of most compressed air cannons, and how he used nothing but several sticks of dynamite in his trips. Renee explained the impossibilities of this feat, stating the fact that such an explosion would not only kill the person being launched, but totally destroy the launch site as well. Sean voiced his agreement with Renee. And Larry, well, Larry was playing a game of Tetris on his Gameboy.
The argument started to heat up. Jess called Bat an arrogant fool, and suggested that he was lying about his previous successful launches. Bat called Jess an insolent infidel, stating that he would spend a very long time in a very hot place for his words of blasphemy. Jess threw a binder at Bat, Bat threw a stapler at Jess, and Larry, well Larry just sat there playing Tetris. Waldropinii attempted to regain control, but it was obvious the meeting was not salvageable. Motioning Renee and Sean to follow him, he left the meeting room.
Renee Aatz, Sean Childers, and The Great Waldropinii all resigned that day. They formed their own company, Air Systems Enterprises, and made a fortune in the pneumatic mining industry.
After 10 long years, and countless hundreds of arguments, Bat Mauer, Jess Swanson, and Larry Dumbass managed to complete the project. They successfully built a towering 500 ft. tall cannon capable of launching a person into space. Despite Jess's stiff opposition, the cannon was powered by dynamite, per Bat's “suggestion”. No one really knows how many sticks they used, but some conservative estimates put the number at just under 1500.
The test firing was scheduled for October the 31st. This should have been viewed as an error and rescheduled, but apparently Larry was put in charge of scheduling. The day of the test, all three team-member's car's refused to start, forcing them to take taxis to the test site. And Larry, well, Larry never arrived. Apparently his taxi drove by a strip club on the way, and well, you get the idea.
Eager to prove his previous claims of success, Bat volunteered to be the first to be launched from the cannon. He gleefully leaped into the breach and closed the hatch behind him. The countdown began, Jess held his breath, and in a tree some 3 continents away, two little birds covered their ears.
The cannon fired. Well, fired may be an understatement. Everyone for a hundred miles could see the flames. The entire test site, covering several dozen acres, disappeared in a vicious hell storm the likes of which the residents of that state had never seen before.
Larry, of course, survived the event, having spent it in the company of a group of scantly-clad women far from the test site. Jess was later found in a pile of rubble some 20 miles away. He was alive, but he suffered serious injuries from the event, and spent the rest of his life in a coma.
ACME, in conjunction with the FBI, started an investigation into the failed test. Larry Dumbass was arrested for his involvement, and after several months of torturous interrogation it was concluded that he knew nothing about the project, its members, or even their goal.
Renee, Sean, and Waldropinii, upon hearing the news of the failed test, agreed to testify for the investigators about the questionable skills of ACME's team. They spoke of Mauer's arrogant domination and unprovable claims, Jess's short temper and bad language, and Larry's infamous unreliability.
The investigation reached no conclusion. Several FBI agents theorized that Bat had stuffed an additional 5000 sticks of dynamite into the firing chamber before ignition, but as there was no real proof to substantiate this it was omitted from the final report.
The report did state, however, that a few seconds after the explosion, a radar station off the coast of Newfoundland spotted an object traveling at high speed in a more or less upwards direction. It was tracked for some 30 seconds as it left the atmosphere, left orbit, and then left the solar system. Most suspect this was Bat, as his swollen head would have protected him from the detonation.
And so it was, out of the 6 original members of ACME's team, three split off to form their own company, one moved to England to join the International Tetris team, one lived the rest of his life in a coma, and the last is sailing through the cosmos at several hundred times the speed of light with a huge grin on his face.
The end!
</font>
Once upon a time, in a parallel universe of twisted proportions, ACME corp. commissioned a group to develop a cannon capable of launching a person into space. This group consisted of 6 individuals of various backgrounds, all experts in their respective fields.
The first member, Bat Mauer, claimed to have been launched into space several times, and returned safely through the atmosphere without safety equipment or parachute. (This could probably be attributed to his swollen head…) He was unable to prove his claims, but was nevertheless made a member of this team.
The second member, Jess Swanson, had a background in industrial pneumatics. He was fired from his last position for taking an axe to a high-pressure system in a fit of rage. The act should have killed him instantly, but he somehow survived unharmed. His actions won him an honorable mention in the Darwin awards. He suffers from Tourett’s syndrome, which causes him to be verbally abusive and use excessive amounts of profanities when speaking to his coworkers. He often forgot to take his medication.
The third member, Larry Dumbass, was an expert in firearms and explosives. He was dishonorably discharged from the military for killing his whole squad in an “accident”. Although never proved, investigators suspect that it involved alcohol, drugs, and a significant amount of C4. His coworkers regarded him as something of an “unreliable asset”, as he is frequently late to meetings.
The fourth, Renee Aatz, was an aeronautical engineer. She had a background in high-speed projectile systems, graduating from URR Technical Institute at the age of 10. Extremely non-confrontational, she has lived a sheltered life within a government think-tank behind black-painted windows. This was her first job in the civilian sector, and she was finding it difficult to deal with some of her coworkers.
The fifth, Sean Childers, was a professor of Physics from LFU. Sean was an honorary graduate of Animal House, somehow earning a degree in astro-physics (Probably because he spent most of his time in college feeling as if he were weightless in space…) He was well loved by all of his students and coworkers, possibly due to the rather large garden in his backyard, where he grew experimental “herbs”, which he gladly “tested” on any willing subjects. Despite all of this, he was a conscientious worker, and contributed 100% toward the furtherance of the project.
The last, and resident psychic, The Great Waldropinii, was the chairman of the group. Waldropinii was a retired vet of the ACME air force, and holds the record for the highest amount of mid-air collisions. A self-proclaimed expert on air-turbulence, air-flatulence, and air-headedness, he has the distinction of being the only member of the group to have actually started his own religion. Despite his obvious inconsistencies, he is considered the most stable of the group.
The first meeting took place on a Friday 13th, on a full moon, and every member walked under a painter’s ladder upon entering the building. The chairman, Waldropinii, started the meeting despite Larry’s absence. The first item of discussion: safety equipment. Before he completed his first sentence, Bat interrupted with a flurry of opposition, claiming that absolutely no safety equipment was necessary, citing his previous claims of success. Jess countered this with a plethora of profane insults directed first at Bat for his outrageous claims, and then at Waldropinii for trying to regain control.
During this rather heated argument, Larry finally arrived. However, while ducking under the ladder, he tripped over a black cat and fell headlong though the door. After brushing himself off, he received a burst of insults from Jess for his little “accident”. This caused Larry to turn and leave, crying his eyes out. Not seeing where he was going, he stepped on the cat’s tail, sending the cat on a full-out clawing of Larry’s right leg. Larry, blinded by tears, screaming in pain, proceeded to stumble into the ladder, and knock the painter to the ground. After this little display, Waldropinii called the meeting to a close.
The group reconvened a week later. Larry was late, of course, and received a stout grilling from Jess upon his arrival. Waldropinii managed to regain control and started the discussion of the weeks issue; propellant. Jess suggested the use of pressurized air to launch the cargo, to which Bat responded with a rant on the pathetic performance of most compressed air cannons, and how he used nothing but several sticks of dynamite in his trips. Renee explained the impossibilities of this feat, stating the fact that such an explosion would not only kill the person being launched, but totally destroy the launch site as well. Sean voiced his agreement with Renee. And Larry, well, Larry was playing a game of Tetris on his Gameboy.
The argument started to heat up. Jess called Bat an arrogant fool, and suggested that he was lying about his previous successful launches. Bat called Jess an insolent infidel, stating that he would spend a very long time in a very hot place for his words of blasphemy. Jess threw a binder at Bat, Bat threw a stapler at Jess, and Larry, well Larry just sat there playing Tetris. Waldropinii attempted to regain control, but it was obvious the meeting was not salvageable. Motioning Renee and Sean to follow him, he left the meeting room.
Renee Aatz, Sean Childers, and The Great Waldropinii all resigned that day. They formed their own company, Air Systems Enterprises, and made a fortune in the pneumatic mining industry.
After 10 long years, and countless hundreds of arguments, Bat Mauer, Jess Swanson, and Larry Dumbass managed to complete the project. They successfully built a towering 500 ft. tall cannon capable of launching a person into space. Despite Jess's stiff opposition, the cannon was powered by dynamite, per Bat's “suggestion”. No one really knows how many sticks they used, but some conservative estimates put the number at just under 1500.
The test firing was scheduled for October the 31st. This should have been viewed as an error and rescheduled, but apparently Larry was put in charge of scheduling. The day of the test, all three team-member's car's refused to start, forcing them to take taxis to the test site. And Larry, well, Larry never arrived. Apparently his taxi drove by a strip club on the way, and well, you get the idea.
Eager to prove his previous claims of success, Bat volunteered to be the first to be launched from the cannon. He gleefully leaped into the breach and closed the hatch behind him. The countdown began, Jess held his breath, and in a tree some 3 continents away, two little birds covered their ears.
The cannon fired. Well, fired may be an understatement. Everyone for a hundred miles could see the flames. The entire test site, covering several dozen acres, disappeared in a vicious hell storm the likes of which the residents of that state had never seen before.
Larry, of course, survived the event, having spent it in the company of a group of scantly-clad women far from the test site. Jess was later found in a pile of rubble some 20 miles away. He was alive, but he suffered serious injuries from the event, and spent the rest of his life in a coma.
ACME, in conjunction with the FBI, started an investigation into the failed test. Larry Dumbass was arrested for his involvement, and after several months of torturous interrogation it was concluded that he knew nothing about the project, its members, or even their goal.
Renee, Sean, and Waldropinii, upon hearing the news of the failed test, agreed to testify for the investigators about the questionable skills of ACME's team. They spoke of Mauer's arrogant domination and unprovable claims, Jess's short temper and bad language, and Larry's infamous unreliability.
The investigation reached no conclusion. Several FBI agents theorized that Bat had stuffed an additional 5000 sticks of dynamite into the firing chamber before ignition, but as there was no real proof to substantiate this it was omitted from the final report.
The report did state, however, that a few seconds after the explosion, a radar station off the coast of Newfoundland spotted an object traveling at high speed in a more or less upwards direction. It was tracked for some 30 seconds as it left the atmosphere, left orbit, and then left the solar system. Most suspect this was Bat, as his swollen head would have protected him from the detonation.
And so it was, out of the 6 original members of ACME's team, three split off to form their own company, one moved to England to join the International Tetris team, one lived the rest of his life in a coma, and the last is sailing through the cosmos at several hundred times the speed of light with a huge grin on his face.
The end!
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The future is here, and all bets are off.
[This message has been edited by GBK (edited February 20, 2004).]
And when the moment is right, I'm gonna fly a kite.
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