And here's a joke email I got from my older sister....
Hurricane tips
---We're in the peak of the hurricane season. Any day
now, you're going
to turn on the TV and see a weather person pointing
to some radar blob
out in the Atlantic Ocean and making two basic
meteorological points:
(1) There is no need to panic.
(2) We could all be killed.
Yes, hurricane season is an exciting time to be in
Florida. If you're
new to the area, you're probably wondering what you
need to do to
prepare for the possibility that we'll get hit by
"the big one." Based
on our experiences, we recommend that you follow
this simple
three-step hurricane preparedness plan:
STEP 1: Buy enough food and bottled water to last
your family for at
least three days.
STEP 2: Put these supplies into your car.
STEP 3: Drive to Iowa and remain there until
Halloween.
Unfortunately, statistics show that most people will
not follow this
sensible plan. Most people will foolishly stay here
in Florida.
We'll start with one of the most important hurricane
preparedness
items:
HOMEOWNERS' INSURANCE:
If you own a home, you must have hurricane
insurance. Fortunately,
this insurance is cheap and easy to get, as long as
your home meets
two basic requirements:
(1) It is reasonably well-built, and
(2) It is located in Iowa.
Unfortunately, if your home is located in Florida,
or any other area
that might actually be hit by a hurricane, most
insurance companies
would prefer not to sell you hurricane insurance,
because then they
might be required to pay YOU money, and that is
certainly not why they
got into the insurance business in the first place.
So you'll have to
scrounge around for an insurance company, which will
charge you an
annual premium roughly equal to the replacement
value of your house.
At any moment, this company can drop you like used
dental floss. Since
Hurricane George, I have had an estimated 27
different home-insurance
companies. This week, I'm covered by the Bob and Big
Stan Insurance
Company, under a policy which states that, in
addition to my premium,
Bob and Big Stan are entitled, on demand, to my
kidneys.
SHUTTERS:
Your house should have hurricane shutters on all the
windows, all the
doors, and -- if it's a major hurricane -- all the
toilets. There are
several types of shutters, with advantages and
disadvantages:
Plywood shutters: The advantage is that, because you
make them
yourself, they're cheap. The disadvantage is that,
because you make
them yourself, they will fall off.
Sheet-metal shutters: The advantage is that these
work well, once you
get them all up. The disadvantage is that once you
get them all up,
your hands will be useless bleeding stumps, and it
will be December.
Roll-down shutters: The advantages are that they're
very easy to use,
and will definitely protect your house. The
disadvantage is that you
will have to sell your house to pay for them.
Hurricane-proof windows: These are the newest
wrinkle in hurricane
protection: They look like ordinary windows, but
they can withstand
hurricane winds! You can be sure of this, because
the salesman says
so. He lives in Iowa.
Hurricane Proofing your property: As the hurricane
approaches, check
your yard for movable objects like barbecue grills,
planters, patio
furniture, visiting relatives, etc... You should, as
a precaution,
throw these items into your swimming pool (if you
don't have a
swimming pool, you should have one built
immediately). Otherwise, the
hurricane winds will turn these objects into deadly
missiles.
EVACUATION ROUTE:
If you live in a low-lying area, you should have an
evacuation route
planned out. (To determine whether you live in a
low-lying area, look
at your driver's license; if it says "Florida," you
live in a
low-lying area). The purpose of having an evacuation
route is to avoid
being trapped in your home when a major storm hits.
Instead, you will
be trapped in a gigantic traffic jam several miles
from your home,
along with two hundred thousand other evacuees. So,
as a bonus, you
will not be lonely.
HURRICANE SUPPLIES:
If you don't evacuate, you will need a mess of
supplies. Do not buy
them now! Florida tradition requires that you wait
until the last
possible minute, then go to the supermarket and get
into vicious
fights with strangers over who gets the last can of
SPAM. In addition
to food and water, you will need the following
supplies:
1. 23 flashlights. At least $167 worth of batteries
that turn out,
when the power goes off, to be the wrong size for
the flashlights.
2. Bleach. (No, I don't know what the bleach is
for. NOBODY knows what
the bleach is for, but it's traditional, so get
some!)
3. 55 gallon drum of underarm deodorant.
4. A big knife that you can strap to your leg. (This
will be useless
in a hurricane, but it looks cool.)
5. A large quantity of raw chicken, to placate the
alligators. (Ask
anybody who went through Andrew; after the
hurricane, there WILL be
irate alligators.)
6. $35,000 in cash or diamonds so that, after the
hurricane passes,
you can buy a generator from a man with no
discernible teeth.
Of course these are just basic precautions. As the
hurricane draws
near, it is vitally important that you keep abreast
of the situation
by turning on your television and watching TV
reporters in rain
slickers stand right next to the ocean and tell you
over and over how
vitally important it is for everybody to stay away
from the ocean.
Good luck, and remember: It's great living in
Paradise.
"Too bad stupidity doesn't actually kill"
"No fear. No distractions. The ability to let that which does not matter truly slide."^"I say never be complete...I say let's evolve." ** Fight Club**
