Okay, here's the warning, this spiel is going to be long. Very long.

Alright, lately I've felt the onset of mild depression. I've tried fighting it with lack of sleep (helps me cope with things when I need to), with music, with everything non-prescription that I can think of, but to no avail. It just won't stop. So many factors tie into it too...

For one, there's the thing that most of you know about. The recent family troubles, only amplified by the up and coming holidays. Every moment I'm around my father, I feel like I have to be careful, every moment always tip-toeing around him. The fact that the holidays are coming up, and he'll be home even more only puts more stress on me. The thought of running away and finding a place to hide for a while, a place to live until I would have to get myself a job, and support myself through the next two years of high school, and then support myself through even more college is not a fun prospect. But when faced with my choices when/if my dad chooses to finally come after me, I don't see much else left to me. Not to mention that it would be over the holidays. I can't stop the scenario from playing through my head, and it's not a happy one.

Secondly, something all of you don't know. Well...one of you knows. I miss my home. I used to live in Kansas, grew up there from age 5 on, basically ever since I knew what home meant. I have friends there I know better than anyone in the world--even my parents. I have friends there who would treat me better than my parents. I have places I know, I can walk the streets in my mind, and I do so often, recounting memories in various parts. I remember the smell of the morning, the heat of the afternoon, and the cool of night. The utter silence of night as the stars shown down on the quiet town, the beauty of the night punctuated by the odd streetlight strung down the rows of brick or cement streets. The old part of town, personifying all the classic homeliness that the town adopted. My friends and I going skating, my friends and I going to the movies, walking home at night, eleven in the morning in twenty degree weather wearing nothing but a t-shirt. The feeling of being safe, of being at home. I've missed that for a while now. And I can hardly bear it anymore; I nearly break down in tears when I think of what life used to be--what life could've been.

To make matters even worse, 2 of my friends that I've known longer than most anyone else I recently learned (within the past few months) are addicted to cocaine, have quit school, and now support their addiction with a job after quitting school. Another friend I've known forever, a female friend I cared for deeply, became pregnant last year. She was only a sophomore. She ruined her life so badly, it's not even funny. It seems like my entire town is collapsing into chaos, and all I can do is sit here in Alabama and dwell on it.

Not to mention all of this but--the holidays make me miss my home most of all. The traditions, the past times remembered, the thought of waking up on christmas morning and going to my friend's to spend most of the day (yes we were that close. We often spent Christmas, New Years, and of course birthdays together). The thought of playing my friend's gamecube all day when he first got it without being interrupted--just having fun all day. Now all I do is sit at home and stare at a computer monitor.

I don't know how to put it--it's a feeling, thus can't really be explained with words. Except that it sucks, hardcore. It doesn't usually go away for at least 6 months, either. Maybe this year will be different--because the last two haven't shown much promise.

Just needed to vent, and didn't really have any other place to do it.

Hang in there. You aren't in Kansas anymore, but who is?

Also, I hope things work out with your dad. Good luck to you.

Whenever I feel that way, the only thing that really helps besides time is getting out. Go do something, go jogging or play street hockey or go rock climbing. Do something to get your mind off of things you have little to no control over. You're too young to be so stressed out, although everyone gets that way at some point (usually the same one you're at). Revel in the fact that you have alot of life left...alot. Enjoy your childhood, as you're gonna spend the rest of your life worrying about these things anyways.

May not work for everyone, but it's always a good start.

Doesn't sound too good and I can't realistically give you any advice because I don't get depressed because I
A) Don't care about anything
and
B) Am very easily content

Just focus on your schoolwork for now, get a part-time job(that doesn't interfere with school!) to fund your interests. The only stress I really face is school (no GF!), and I get far, far away from that playing HL2 or going out drinking or whatever... Just do what makes you happy.

Forgot to add that the girl I love has a boyfriend (yes I do love her, no it's not stupid kiddy puppy love, I've known her for over a year now and we've been just friends ever since, unfortunately) and I have to sit with her and her boyfriend everyday at lunch. Talk about pain.

Oh and did I mention the only other girl I began to show interest in that I THOUGHT showed interest in me (of course, why would she, she's hot) seems to be interested in someone else. Can't say I'm wholly surprised. Disappointed, maybe, but not surprised.

Venting again.

Man, that sucks... we're here for you,
and, not trying to pry or anything, why do you feel that your dad is ''after you''? If you don't feel comfortable posting it, feel free to pm me if you want to talk, also my email/MSN Messenger address is:
tyrell_weick(AT)hotmail.com

I'm really sorry about that, DJYoshi. I can't say that I know what the family situation is like, but I feel for you. It really must be Hell. I've been deserted before (she didn't do it intentionally) by a girl I loved (actually stiill love), and I know it hurts. I really hope things start looking up for you. Hang in there.

He's had a couple of recent threads about his dad. Also, you called him man-dude, and that's funny.

No you don't.


Yes it is.


Why do you have to?

I've been where you are as far as that, you get over it.

Damnit, Warlord. I don't know how you can come to that conclusion from what Yoshi wrote. I don't know if you read the same thing I did, but I wouldn't dream of making such baseless assumptions. You are not the omnipotent arbiter of human emotions. Take your complacent attitude and shove it where the sun don't shine.

Yoshi, I can't pretend to know what you're going through, but I do have the utmost empathy. I know that in my own life, I am chronically pessimistic and cynical, which is something I am trying to work on. There's no doubt about it; when you start feeling down on yourself, you tend to pick out only the negative and unpleasant thoughts from a pool of potentially positive things.

Focusing on the past -- the old memories of the holidays and what it was like back home -- isn't highly constructive. I'm going to go out on a limb here and assume that you look favorably on your past, looking at the positives. While this is certainly a good thing, there is a time to buck up, take your situation by the horns, and be proactive in changing it for the better. Many, many people get hung up with sentimental memories of the past, and fail to realize that the present is the most important time in their lives.

If you haven't figured it out by now, this is as much a pep-talk for myself as it is for you, Yoshi, as these are some of my main insecurities. I wish you the best! Feel free to send me some more PMs or emails if you want to talk.

I find that peoples definitions of love change as they age. Sure, he may not love her like he may love his spouse in 10 years...but right now that love is real enough to him. Besides that, what gives you the right to judge peoples emotions?

at least it wasn't you getting the girl pregnant...

Wow, that really sucks. I'm pulling for you; remember that.

I would post, but I'm guessing that you already know what I would say.

Honestly, I don't know you that well, so I'm not going to pretend what I have to say is of the utmost importance to you, but I think it's probably worth saying.

Your situation sounds close to what my brother has been going through. We moved down to Oregon 3 years ago, mid-way through high school (he's a year younger than me) from Canada, and so we had to pretty much say good bye to all of our friends we'd grown up with. He took this extremely hard. Alot harder than me, but I'm generally a pretty ambivalent guy. For the next three years, he had trouble making friends, we both did. When school ended, I went off to college in Canada (last year) and so Jared spent the year by himself. He made a few more friends, and seemed to be doing fairly well. He took up a real hobby in our old NES. Anyhow, this summer, after I got back, he ha d agirlfriend. That went okay, but when she went back to school I guess she started sleeping around on him. My brother (Jared, I guess I'll say) is really sensitive, and this crushed him. He found himself, literally cheated on, with very few good friends to confide in, and on top of that, was working a tough job that he hated at our local autoparts dealer. He was in a pretty bad spot, and this all culminated in me having to wrestle a handful of extra-strength Tylenol's from his hand a few weeks ago, after he had already swallowed another handful. He had to go to the hospital, drink the charcoal and everything, and spent a week in the psychological ward. Now he's on Prozac, and that's...not really working out to well either, especially when he drinks (he had another meltdow a few days ago after some heavy drinking, and we almost had to re-admit him to the hospital.) Now he's got a new girlfriend though, who's so eerily similare to him it's uncanny, and she's really nice. For now, he seems okay.

So, what's the point of all this? Well, know that we've all gone through, or know someone who's gone through a rough patch in life, and that we all appreciate how important it is for each other too be safe, and happy, and comfortable. That being said; never, ever consider suicide as a solution. As bad as everything may seem at the moment, it can only get better, and everyone around you who cares about you will help you make it through. Suicide will not only not fix your problems for you, but it will hurt those who care for you. It's no-win.

Anyhow...I don't know. Seems like you're having a tough time, and I don't want to see anything happen to you that my brother or us, his family, had to go through. You're right to talk about it. Good luck.

you probably know how I would respond. It's like we're having a secret conversation in another dimension!

I'd actually care if you had not been such an *** to me and others on this forum. Depression's a *****, but I'm not going to say stuff to try and butter you up.

Sorry, tis true!

You haven't exactly been rosy yourself. And by the way - way to kick someone when they're down. You're like one step above Maddox right now.

Oh ok, so if there's a bully at school and he's feeling depressed, should I go sit down next to him, hand him some flowers, and then cry together with him?

No.

And I know the "So why even post in this thread". Well, everyone's posting their feelings. I didn't see a thing saying "positive support" only. He had to vent. So did I. And low and behold - they were on the same topic! Him!

Sorry Freelancer! Warlord's post does make sense too. When you're depressed a simple crush/interest can turn into this massive "love deal" where you think you're in love. After you get over depression you realize it was not as serious as you thought.

And he asked a good question. Why does Yoshi sit there everyday with them? If it was bringing him down as much as he says, then step #1 is to stop sitting there since it'll just keep him down.

I say he gets professional help. If this is a reoccuring thing, then the manly thing to do is to get help and not try to handle this himself. If he just vented to the right person (a doctor, etc), he could get actual help instead of posts on a message board saying "I lub j00 Yoshi!"

Kinda agree with you there, Demon_Nightmare, if he's really depressed he should seek professional help.

Then again if he's like every other teenager in existence and just a little angsty, then he should suck it up and move on with life.

I really am depressed--I know the symptoms, I know what it's like, I've had it and been diagnosed before. But I hate meds, I hate shrinks, and in my experience, that only makes things worse. Venting does help me feel a bit better.

Don't worry Demon--if I cared what you thought, then you can bet I'd be pissed right now.

As for Warlord--don't. No offense, nothing bad, just don't.

Thanks guys, it was just hitting me really hard last night. I'm a little better this morning, but like I said, it usually doesn't go away so quickly.

I'm probably massassi's most mentally f***ed up member (clinical depression, and signs of bipolar depression and mild psychosis)... so I know what you're going through all too well.

Through a few things, mainly drugs and women, I'm better.

Drugs I mean of course Antidepressants. But unless you REALLY need em, I dont advise you start them. I self harmed and attempted suicide all to many times around september just cos of the tablets. But now they work, at least i can leave my house.

Of course, sucking up a bong or two and smoking several cigars on a night out really relaxes me and makes me feel better

As for women, if you can find someone semi-hot to go out with, even if u dont especially like her, it can take your mind off things, and sex is a natural antidepressant, the best there is. (Just make sure she's the type and she's exciting to be with a.k.a horny, dont date a boring "sensible" girl like I just did).

Keeping your mind occupied is the best thing. Getting a wee job, join a new club, get drunk and beat someone up, some affirmative action is what u need.

And wtf is up with the dad situation?
Would it help to start training and bulking up just so u can kick his fat hairy arse?

if(getThingFlags(source) & 0x8){
  do her}
elseif(getThingFlags(source) & 0x4){
  do other babe}
else{
  do a dude}

oh and just to add...

as for the dating women thing, if you date one, have fun, but then think she may be getting bored, dump her first.

That way dignity is kept and ego is increased. Sick yeh i kno.

if(getThingFlags(source) & 0x8){
  do her}
elseif(getThingFlags(source) & 0x4){
  do other babe}
else{
  do a dude}

clan you rule!

I find it strange that in these situations the only advise I can think of is to go kill something. Maybe I need help. :p

Maybe??? :p

Yoshi, you know that you can talk to me about anything at all. If there's something at all that I can do for you, I'll do it to the best of my ability. Hell, as soon as I can I'll drive down to Alabama for the sole purpose of talking to you in person if you need me to. But there's always other ways of talking if that can't happen.

I'm praying for ya, hang in there.

Just an interesting observation. While this may be true, you also have to bear in mind that not everyone is comfortable talking about their illnesses on an internet forum. There could easily be some intensely schizophrenic people on the board and you'd never know.

this has no relevance whatsoever...don't know why I bothered!

Hope you're feeling better Yosh, I know a few days can change alot. IM me or pm me when you get the chance and let me know how you're doing.

Get up, get a job, go out, and do something. Sitting on the internet posting subjects about it aren't going to make the problem go away. It sounds like a total ******* thing to say, but it's the truth. The only way you can solve your problems, is to not feel sorry for yourself and do something.

The whole family situation thing, well, again do something. If your dad's THAT bad there's something you can do. You haven't really specifically pointed out anything other than hint at the fact that he may be a ********. A lot of people go through life without parents, or even families, so trust me, there's a lot of people worse off than you. Which basically means, either you can go and get help (which you CAN), or you can sit there and do nothing, posting about it here, and have whatever it is continue.



Ever heard the phrase "There's millions of other girls out there"? If she's got a boyfriend, again, you're just going to have to get over it. Suck it up, and go after someone else, preferably one that doesnt have a partner already.

About the whole friends on drugs and pregnancy thing, I've only got one thing to say. It's their life, they can do what they choose with it, even if that means throw it down the drain.

Moving from one town to another thing - Get over it. Save up enough money and move back there if it brings you so much angst. Sorry, but reading your paragraph on the ramblings of your old town sounded like a bad poem to me.

Basically, what Spork said. Suck it up and move on with life. There's a lot worse crap that could happen to you...Like oh, I dunno, Death?

The day my depression went away was the day I finally realised how entertaining the little things actually can be. I used to look at the big picture aka life as a whole and realised something: Life sucks and then you f***ing die. All those little things are lovely, like typing this pointless message, making angsty and deep poems into a website with 2000 Finnish immature teenage girls writing about their screwed up lovelife, listening to some progressive rock, watering my bonsai tree, playing the guitar, getting our first LP launched next year etc....

not think about my terrible civil service duty that will occupy most of my time for another 9 months, not to think about the fact that I'm going to spend the next 3 months just paying off depts (my pay is 3.6€ per day, so.....). I DON'T think about the fact that if I'm gonna get into uni after the civil service I will get absolutely NO free time between the two, so I get out of civil service and get straight into complex philosophy. Not to think about the fact that my lifestyle will kill me by the time I'm 60 and make me sick and half-dead by the time I'm 40 and the fact that I will never have much money since philosophy isn't actually a very lucrative field. Not to think about the fact that my best friend will go to the army next month and be there for a year and I barely get to see him. All these things I need to deal with, but the less time I spend thinking about them the better I feel.
Denial is ridiculously effective.

Lol. Fact is listed three times in a coloumn


Anyways, I agree. The little things in life are amazing. The smell of the woods, walking home and having a break because the stop lights take 5 minutes to change, catching up in school, and espescially... At least I'm not some pancake on the ground because I decided to end it.

Okay, get up, get out. Done and done. Guess what doesn't help. I go out every week at least once, usually 3-4 times, but in the meantime I'm stuck at home staring at a screen. There's literally nothing to do. I don't have a car, Alabama hates sidewalks...nothing.

I've had 0, 1, and 2 parents. I know how 'bad' people with one parent have it, but that's only for the first 10 or so years of life. Is my dad bad? Well let's just put it this way--he treats me like crap, treats my family like crap, and calls it "him being the leader of the family" and says it's "the only way it can ever be". Bull****. My mom agrees though, god knows why.

Did I ever hear there's a million other girls out there? Yeah. But realistically, there's only around 20,000 in my town, only about 1,000 within my age level, only about 20 I'd consider, and only about 5 I'd seriously consider. And out of that five, only one. I'm 16, not 21, so my options are somewhat limited to picking up girls. Not to mention, it's not just a crush, it's not just me fawning over her. It's love. I have to sit next to her every day because I know it'd suck so much more to be without her as a friend, because she's a great friend too. A great person. But being there while she's there with her boyfriend...

I'm not denying my friends' rights to do drugs and get pregnant. But do you have siblings? If so, imagine if one quit school, got addicted to coke, and worked all day instead of going to school. Now imagine if a (hopefully) female sibling is pregenant. At 15. That's not only stressful, it's downright destructive. Ruins any chance she had of a life. Probably doesn't say too much for the baby's life too. Yes, they are like siblings to me. I know them that well.

And I could get over it if I had any friends here. Don't get me wrong, I have acquaintances, people I hang out with sporadically, people I talk to, but nobody that is a FRIEND. Well maybe one person. Coming from a community where pretty much everyone you met was a friend...it's...harrowing, to say the least.

Death? I dunno. I'm not afraid of it, actually curious about it. But I don't find any reason to kill myself. Life is tangible, it's there, it's er...okay right now, not too great. But afterlife...nobody knows. It's not to the point where I'm like "OH TEH PAIN I SHOULD KILL MYSELF" but it's depression. Better on some days, worse on others.

It sounds to me like you've got quite a lot of excuses for why your life's the way it is. None of them really good ones.

If that's what you want to say, sure. Sounds like you just are trying to be an ***.

I think you have some deep seated fears of expressing yourself Temperamental. Schedule a time with me and we can talk together, we'll get you through this buddy!

Meh, it can be just a matter of sticking with it till you find one of each that works. My first shrink was utterly terrible, but I kept looking and found one who was great. Same with meds, it can take a while to find the one that is right for you. My brother and I both have bipolar, I stuck with it in seeking treatment whilst he gave up on that angle very quickly.....it's no coincidence that I came out the other side of things years before him.

I'm not saying meds/psychs are the only option but one big thing with beating depression is persistence, which admittedly in that state is extremely difficult.

Nope, not trying to be an ***, just stating what seems to be obvious.



Excuse.

Why? I live in the exact same situation, Peterborough Ontario. A city populated of less than 50 thousand people, scattered thrughut nothing but countryside. I live in the middle of nowhere, with no buses around, etc. I had a car, but no more. Here's what you do, a little thing called walking. It may take you a couple hours to get somewhere "fun" or where something is happening. But staring at the computer screen is your own fault. If you're unwilling to suck it up and go out and make an effort to make friends, go somewhere fun, it's nobody's fault but your own.



Same for my town, yet I found a girl. Perhaps you should try lowering your standards, or maybe getting some friends, going out with them, and meeting/getting to know other girls. YOu cant possibly know every girl in your city, therefore, you can't possibly know everything about them nor even enough to form a predetermined judgement on them.

And if you're only 16, and have never had a girlfriend before, I fail to see how you can even know what "love" is. Trust me, love, infatuation, and puppy love aren't exactly different from eachother. But they are different.



Yes, it would hurt me and upset me. But it's their life, and if there was nothing I could do for them, or nothing they wanted done for them, I'd do the simplest thing....Suck it up and move on with MY OWN life.



Same thing as with girls....Go out and meet people. It's not an easy thing to do, but it's a hell of a lot beter than sitting there feeling bad for yourself, especially when you're not making an effort. I'm pretty sure you go to school.....There's kids there...Meet them, know them, hang out with them. BOOM! Friends!

I can't walk anywhere--my town doesn't have any sidewalks, and there's no room anywhere for me to walk anywhere. Trust me, I tried. I can't even walk to school without fear of being run over.

Who says I've never had a girlfriend? Not me. I said theres' only 2 girls I ever loved. One of them was my girlfriend. Way to be judgemental, though.

Lower my standards? And be even more unhappy that I'm in a relationship that I don't want? My standards aren't that high.

I can't meet people. The only people I can meet are in my town--and I know most of them. There's only one high school in the town, and I don't think a long distance relationship would be a good idea at this age.

About the friends--yeah, okay, aparrently you just have no idea what I'm talking about.

So basically you're saying that you're depressed, but there's nothing you can do to fix it, and you aren't willing to go see a doctor..


There's a saying I like, "if you don't like something, change it. if you can't change it, change the way you feel about it." If you aren't willing to change your life, then stop complaining about it .

What? I'd go see a doctor if I could. My parents just wouldn't let me, and I'm not keen on telling them anyways. They don't believe in mental illnesses (save for severe ones). They think things like depression and bi-polarism can be cured via Paddle and work.