It's amazing, when you think about it, that my homeland of Australia was ever settled by Europeans. Even today, British friends of mine who've only seen kangaroos on television are astounded, when they first confront them in the wild, by just how weird, how otherworldly, they look.

Imagine that you'd not only never seen a kangaroo, but had no idea such things existed. Such would have been the ignorance enjoyed by the watch commander of Captain James Cook's HMS Endeavour when it made landfall in Botany Bay in 1770. Australia owes that officer a great deal. A lesser man would have yelped, "Cripes! The place is populated by seven-foot-tall hopping rats, and some of them have got spares in their pockets! Turn the boat around!"

It is little surprise, then, that Australian efforts to lure British tourists today tend to be reassuring portrayals of a mellow, pastoral Eden, making little mention of our bizarre and dangerous wildlife (cuddling the cute native possums will leave you looking like you've been kicked through a window).

The Australian Tourist Commission's current ad, set to an adenoidal rendering of Sing A Rainbow by Neighbours alumnus Delta Goodrem, pursues this tack. While Ms Goodrem and the melody wrestle each other to stalemate, the screen fills with a slide show of visual muzak: rainforests, beaches, handsome red rock formations.

Going to Australia, this ad tells us, is the most calming, refreshing thing a Briton could do. Which is, sadly, nonsense. Even leaving aside the excruciating, interminable flight, the most likely result of visiting Australia as a Briton is severe psychosis caused by sudden awakening to historical injustice. After enduring Australia's ample space, brilliant light, nigh perfect weather, delicious food, reasonable prices, functioning infrastructure, lack of litter and relatively unhostile shop assistants, you Poms are apt to break down, as your received sense of historical superiority is irretrievably undone.

Basically, you'll realise, if your forebears had been that smart, they'd have left my squalid, filthy, illiterate criminal ancestors in England, and got on the boat themselves.

Originally posted by SideBurns
All your moms.