Hello again.

My school's spring musical, an epic production (especially for a school so small as mine) of Les Miserables, closed Saturday evening with tremendous acclaim. For those of you familiar with the show, I played the duty-bound police man of the law Javert, a role I've wanted ever since I saw the show in London a few years ago. Visual reinforcement:



This was my final high school production ever, and thus the end of a five-year career of shows (I was chorus in 8th grade, and started getting roles from freshman year on). People ask me whether I'm sad it's all over, but really, I'm more glad than anything else. I had an excellent time, improved a few friendships, became the friend of many, and shared quite a few good memories (and some bad ones, too, but I can look back at those in a warmer light).

I'm a perfectionist, and when I'm out onstage, I can tell how I'm doing, as I usually know what's right from a technical perspective. Performing what's right is another matter. I always thought I did these shows for the glory, but apparently that's not the case. It more seems that I do it to appease my sense of perfection, a sense from which I feel I'd fallen short the other night. After my final scene, I left backstage in a slight furor and kept telling myself how awful it was that I had been off pitch here, or had stumbled there, but as soon as I entered the cast area behind the stage, people started hugging me and telling me what a phenominal job I had done.

After the show ended, I was greeted by more friends and admirers who had come to see the show, who all commented on how impressed and surprised they had been with the quality of my performance. But it all felt so hollow, as deep within, I disagreed. As I walked off into the moonlight from my school to the parking lot with a girl from one girls' school in one arm and a girl from another girls' school in the other, a third girl from yet another school walked up, gave one of those "...oh... :[" faces, and trudged off. Can't people let a single man be?

At the cast party, I was surrounded by well-wishers and glory-gushers, and it got rather old. Wherever I would go, people would follow, looking for exclusivity of attention. It was particularly awkward since two of them were part of 'Operation 007' and I was taking each to their respective proms unbeknownst to one another. Weirdly enough, when they met, they immediately got off on the right foot, and as there was music playing, they started dancing with one another. *scratches head and shrugs*

Anyway, I think it's a good thing I've something of humility in me, but why should I feel so unworthy of praise? Why should I reject or shy away from the congratulations and even adulations of others? When one of my close friends was putting my mic on, I reminded him of my particular preferences for mics, and he said "I realize that, as a lead, like a rock star, you have very particular tastes, that's why I'm doing your mic." And that's pretty much what it's like. Even still, now that the show's been over for two days, I walk through the middle school, and the kids whsiper "Javert!" All these random girls suddenly want to 'hang out'. Before I went on stage Saturday night in some of the scenes, I would look over and see the admiring eyes of underclassmen watching me. During one conversation, they asked one another who would ever replace me next year, be the next 'Grismath'?

And yet still, just thinking about it makes me somehow shudder, because I remember when I was young like them and looked up to the godlike seniors who epitomized coolness and perfection. Were the idols of my younger days similarly unsteady? And now I stand in their shoes. Who am I to be admired? There are times when I certainly I don't admire myself, when I envy the least of those around me. I just find it all too weird and a little unsettling to suddenly be popular and the subject of attention. I suppose this disquiet is my mental version of blushing or something.

Anyway, what determines a healthy level of humility? If I did well, should I not be proud of my accomplishments? To devalue them as nothing would insult those who aspire to imitate them.

THESE AND OTHER QUESTIONS PUZZLE THE SEEKING GRISMATH ON THE ROAD TO NIRVANA.

'hey, i did good, whats next on my list of cool good things'




ps. how did you 'die' at the end of the play? I know in the movie he throws himself in the river, but what did you guys do for the sake of the play?

I jump off a 10 foot bridge/wall contraption on a rotating stage and presumably fall on some mats without injury.

The first time, the stage crew couldn't get any mats there in time except one very VERY thin one, and I told them, "Next time.... more mats." as I limped off into the night.

The last time, I fell backwards, but this time they had a platform with a bunch of mats, so I didn't fall as far and had more cushioning. I still damaged my rump, though, but nothing permanent.

I usually don't like getting a whole lot of attention for something, but I always enjoy that feeling of success I get when I finish or accomplish something significant... all you can do is your best and if you do that you have every right to be proud
Congratulations on a job well done.

I'm exactly the same way. I'll do a solo in a jazz concert and people will tell me I did great, but I know I really did horrible compared to how I do it in practice. With them complimenting what I consider a failure, it feels like they're mocking me, or saying it just to make me feel better.

And then I get worried... when I truly do an excellent job, will I be able to accept the praise?

I have a solo in every jazz song in my next concert, and another one for concert band. I just know I'm going to blow.

wow, I am so not reading all that.

"Nirvanna" has two n's.

Yes, it's true, Kurt Cobain couldn't spell.

Awesome to see another school attempting Les Mis. At my school, theatre is pretty much what we're known for, our productions are gigantic ( For figures sake, we made $14,000 on ticket sales alone in a single weekend ).

We did Les Mis my freshmen year, had an incredibly talented cast, really devoted. Most of the leads had read the book, and seen the show at least 4 times, haha.

Here's some pictures( Taken from newspaper, can't find my old yearbook):



And a collage :


You can find the rest here if you're interested

My High School did Les Mis.

Best... Production... Ever...


I saw the 'real' play when it came to the Spokane Opera house, but I ended up liking my high school's version a lot better. (The Broadway version was so... dimmly lit. Where's the contrast?)

... and I'm assuming neither could Herman Hesse? It's not an English word, so as time passes, different spellings appear, especially between languages from places so unrelated.

We did Les Mis as well, my senior year. I was the Bishop. It rocked.