That's right, Peter. And if your kids give you any lip you can beat 'em with a sack of sweet valencia oranges. It won't leave a bruise and they'll show 'em whose boss. There's noooo doubt about it.

Well that, that doesnt sound right...

ok wow
I forgot I had safesearch turned off on google when I searched for "sexy party"...

What do you tell the teachers if they ask you about the bruises?

I GOT HIT BY A BASEBALLL!

Do I...do I conduct with my penis?

No, it's:

Am...am I supposed to draw the penis?

Am...am I supposed to sculpt the penis?

Am...am I supposed to conduct with my penis?

"Holy crip he's a crapple"

Ssssssssssssss.....Ahhh...
Ssssssssssssss.....Ahhh...
Ssssssssssssss.....Ahhh...
Ssssssssssssss.....Ahhh...
Ssssssssssssss.....Ahhh...
Ssssssssssssss.....Ahhh...
Ssssssssssssss.....Ahhh...
Ssssssssssssss.....Ahhh...

Peter is offically the funniest character ever created in the history of the universe.

Peter: Lois, you've got a sick mind!
Lois: Peter, I'm talking about making love.
Peter: Oh, I thought you wanted us to murder the children and harvest their organs for beer money.

Peter: And Joe, I've had new neighbors before, but none of them were half the man you are. Since you're half a man already, that splits them into some kind of fraction I can't even measure.

Lois: You're drunk again.
Peter: No, I'm just exhausted 'cause I've been up all night drinking.

Lois: I guarantee you a man made that commercial.
Peter: Of course a man made it. It's a commercial Lois, not a delicious thanksgiving dinner.

Peter: Lois, um, go get the medical dictionary and look up "fork" and "lung."
Lois: Why?
Peter: Time is a factor, Lois.

Peter: A guy at work bought a car out of the paper. Ten years later, Bam! Herpes

(Peter and Brain are in jail)
Brian: Uh, how was your shower?
Peter: Oh, I tell ya Brian, all the rumors about dropping the soap are true.
Brian: Really?
Peter: Oh yeah, you can't hold onto that thing to save your life. Oh, it was slipping all
over the place. Guys were laughing.

OMFG! *dies laughing*

Oh, my sig too.

Can't forget his laugh:

"aehaheahehaehhaheaheahaheh"

Lois: FOR THE LOVE OF GOD PETER!! LET ME DRIVE!!

*blindfolded*

Peter: Lois, you know its illegal for women to drive. aheaehaeah, women driving.

I love that one.

"You know, we could have sexual intercourse right now?"
"Quite right, quite right."
"lets not"

Heeeahhaha

Look at all those hamburgers. You can't eat all those hamburgers you stupid fella. Oh jeez!

Oh, he's gonna do it. Oh, he's so ridiculous. You hear me you ridiculous man, you're...Whoa! AHhhhh!

I frickin' love Family Guy!

Jackal! Jackal! Is it a jackal? Jackal! It's a Jackal! Jackal! Jackal? It's a Jackal!

Why do women have breasts?....

lady: "Are youu telling joookes? I like joookes."

peter: "ok, ok... why do women have boobs?"

lady: *jaw drops*

peter: "SO YOU GOT SOMETHING TO LOOK AT WHILE YOUR TALKING TO THEM! AHAEAHAHEHAEHAEH"

lady: *mouth still wide open, silent*

peter: "SO YOU GOT SOMETHING TO LOOK AT WHILE YOUR TALKING TO THEM! AHAEAHAHEHAEHAEH"

lady: *mouth still wide open, silent*

peter: "SO YOU..."

*in bosses office* you wanted to see me Mr. (whats his face)?

Do you really need to start more than one thread about Family Guy quotes, Emon?