Aye, it's that time of a Britlander's life when he/she/it has to do the good old General Certificate of Secondary Education - that time of life for me that is. In one week I'll be leaving school (hopefully not for good - with all luck I'll be going back to the 6th form college there in September) and being on exam leave, my first exam being the 19th (a pitiful French listening) and my first real exam being on the 28th - English Literature. After that I get a week off, and then the real fun begins - two solid weeks of exams, but that's most of them out of the way. Thereafter we're having a big book burning (half the departments don't want the textbooks back! ) and then we're planning to have the best Summer ever and lose ourselves altogether before we become college men - scary stuff.

Anyways, yes, before then I've got to revise for and pass these exams... although I got 8 A*'s, 1 A and 2 B's in my mock exams, so I shouldn't have too much trouble! (Criteria for our 6th form college is B+ or better in your 8 best subjects)

So, wish me luck! And if anybody else is sitting GCSEs this year, all the best to you too, and of course, I'll be thinking of you (we'll be sitting the exams at the same time after all!)

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We are all dying to live, yet living to die...

Well i'm retaking English Language, which is on the 14th of june.

Good luck everyone who has exams soon.

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WARNING: THIS POST MAY CONTAIN TRACES OF PEANUT!
----@%

Actual Student Test Answers

This is a compilation of actual student GCSE answers.

1. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.

2. The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, asked, "Am I my brother's son?"

3. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.

4. Solomom had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.

5. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.

6. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.

7. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.

8. In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw the java.

9. Eventually, the Romans conquered the Greeks. History calls people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long.

10. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: "Tee hee, Brutus."

11. Nero was a cruel tyranny who would torture his subjects by playing the fiddle to them.

12. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard Shaw. Finally Magna Carta provided that no man should be hanged twice for the same offense.

13. In midevil times most people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the futile ages was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verses and also wrote literature.

14. Another story was William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head.

15. Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted "hurrah."

16. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking. And Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper.

17. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet.

18. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.

19. During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe.

20. Later, the Pilgrims crossed the ocean, and this was called Pilgrim's Progress. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.

21. One of the causes of the Revolutionary War was the English put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their parcels through the post without stamps. Finally the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backwards and declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.

22. Soon the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.

23. Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. His mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation.

24. Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltaire invented electricity and also wrote a book called Candy.

25. Gravity was invented by Issac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the autumn when the apples are falling off the trees.

26. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German half Italian and half English. He was very large.

27. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.

28. The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened and catapulted into Napoleon. Napoleon wanted an heir to inherit his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't have any children.

29. The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West.

30. Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. She was a moral woman who practiced virtue. Her death was the final event which ended her reign.

31. The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men.

32. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered radio. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx brothers.

33. The First World War, caused by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by an anahist, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.

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<ubuu> does hitler have a last name?
<jipe> .. yes, Ubuu, we're racist commy nazi jews, and we hate male pattern baldness
<Professor`K> Sorry, but half-way through your logic, my head exploded

Heh. My next exam is the French Oral in about a week or so, while the rest are after half-term.

Oh, and in the mocks, I got 2 A*s, 4 As, 3 Cs, a D and an E. Just goes to show that I kick arse at Maths, Physics, Chem, Bio, DT and Geography.

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Sometimes it's better to light a flamethrower than to curse the darkness.

[This message has been edited by - Tony - (edited May 09, 2004).]

Had my French Oral exam last week. That went pretty well. Next exam is on the 24th I think...it's ICT anyway. My timetable is around here somewhere Did anyone else take ICT for GCSE (not the GNVQ one)? They are the easiest exams ever! Nearly all of the questions are multiple choice or tick boxes

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"This hole is octogo. Ogiganeel. It's Octa.. It's got eight sides."
"He's a dead man! I'm not havin' a dead man in my cemetary!"

Don't bother revising for GCSEs.

Just shrape through and get what you need to get into 6th form. After that, GCSEs don't matter (unless you apply for Oxbridge, who look at your average GCSE score, I think).

I have my AS exams in a few weeks. Now that's some hard work

Yea i totally agree. GCSEs dont' really matter that much imo, as long as you get okish grades to get into 6thform/college. I've got my AS's coming up in a couple of weeks too.

I look back at GCSEs and realise how amazingly easy they are compared to AS levels.



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/fluffle

Don't worry, A-Levels are easy too

I dunno if they will be when you're taking Maths, Further Maths, Physics and CHemistry.

And doesn't your UCAS stuff matter on your GCSE grades, or are they just BSing to us to get better grades and more cash?

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Sometimes it's better to light a flamethrower than to curse the darkness.

Hmm maybe but its a massive step up from GCSE imo.

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/fluffle

GCSEs are quite easy so you should revise real hard for them and get the best grades you can. A-Levels are a step up and STEP is killing me.

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tristan is the best friend of the jedi

"I am the signature virus! Copy me into your signature so that I can take over the world! Moohahahee!"

Eh? You don't get any points for GCSE grades.

That is correct. However some universities (ie Oxford and Cambridge) are known for looking at your GCSE results, as are potential employers.

You write down your GCSE results on your UCAS forum, hence they count.

Ah the joys of being completely finished with the education system. I'm more laughing at all my friends who are approaching university finals right now, rather than you young 'uns with your GCSEs.

It's all relative really - when you sit your GCSEs everything seems to matter (case of life and death ). Once you start your A-Levels, you then realise how easy and insignificant your GCSE results are. Finally, when you start uni, A-Levels are insignificant - well ok: maybe they provide a starting discussion point amongst all you freshers, that helps break the ice .

The ultimate end point is when you've graduated and start looking for a job. Only then will you realise that your uni qualifications are the only thing that any potential employers care about. The point of doing the best you can in whatever you've done up until now is to be in the position you're in at the moment (having choices and options based on your achievements)

Just my two pennies worth . But best of luck all the same

And to be honest, in hindsight, I don't think I came out too badly with 4A's and 5B's

-Jackpot

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"lucky_jackpot is the smily god..." - gothicX

"Life is mostly froth and bubble,
But two things stand in stone,
Kindness in another's trouble,
Courage in your own"
("Ye Wearie Wayfarer" - by Adam Lindsay Gordon)

I'm up to here atm

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/fluffle

That's my birthday!

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What did I ever do to you?