All I have to do is put everything into perspective. Adjust the lens, refocus, clarify my perception of reality. I probably overreacted, as I have a tendency to do, but the day I have fully subjected my tempestuous feelings to the will of my seemingly wiser mind will be a happy one.
I'm still working at this residential summer camp I explained earlier, but the profound now strikes me as mundane, friendly smiles have become haughty sneers, and food has turns to ash before it reaches my mouth - ok, the cafteria food isn't *that* bad. As of late, the object of my impossibly insatiable desire, roused from slumber by some magical combination of midsummer heat and surpressed impulses, has been yet another of my fellow counselors. It may seem that I'm not very professional in this respect, but take it on faith that I am the least of the offenders in this respect, much to my frustration.
Every day had become a delightful opportunity to get to know this girl, and as I gazed into the depths of her eyes when we talked, I felt some communion with her. The occasion was rare that I would walk away from any interaction with her without sporting some big, boyish grin. But perhaps I don't go about romance businesslike enough, because we soon attracted the attention of one of those detestable yet immediately valuable future spinsters who heralded herself as the cure-all for any breed of relationship blues.
One night, this same would-be matchmaker approached me with the information that the object of my desire had a boyfriend to whom she felt some attachment. I was slightly put off by the fact, but I rallied any worked my way out of it. No worries, I thought, nothing ventured nothing gained: I did what I could, and surely she'll still make a very nice friend. Unfortunately, I had already arranged to partner up with her on our camp trip to the theme park the next day.
As the bus rolled there and back and throughout the day, we shared countless otherwise trivial moments that blossomed into mutual profundity. I won her a teddy bear at the park and I considered the day triumphant. Looking back on it shortly afterwards, however, I respected the sanctity of her relationship back home, and despite my feelings, I wished to undo them with her help. I purposely made the unwise decision to betray myself in letter form (I absolutely suck at explaining my emotions verbally) and present her with a choice: Invite me on or push me back, but in pushing me back, please, make the improbable impossible. Remove all doubt and all hope of anything ever happening between us.
She never really mentioned the letter to me since, but acted even more forward and when I caught her encouraging the culture of our relationship (those little inside jokes and knowing glances that couples always seem to trade to pass time), I took this as the invitation I had sought. The particulars of my job, however, put me under the chastising view of the campers at almost all times, so my hand was once again stayed before I could make my move.
Shortly thereafter, this meddling advisor confronted me with the prospect that while this girl had drifted away from considering her boyfriend in the scheme of things, she was now torn between myself and another fellow male counselor whose identity was kept secret from me. Her involvement at all with another male counselor was news to me, and I felt overwhelmed by this most starling revelation. I had been very tired that day, and this exhaustion had lulled me into one of those 'moods' where I can just endlessly stare off into space and make poor company. The advisor said that I must woo like I had never wooed before, but soon told me that the odds were tipping in my favor as, of course, this boon companion of mine, had been arguing my case nonstop. My wooing consisted of holding the door for a group of people that included her and ignoring her subsequent smile.
That night, last night, I lay in a stupor in the sitting room of our dormitory. Our housemaster had traded his night off with me, and as he was an old friend, I had agreed to watch his post for him while he partied (this was before I had been hinted to the pivotal nature of the evening). As I lay there, lost in a half-asleep oblivion, I heard a fellow male counselor of mine, who had been taking his day off, say "Hey, let's go for a walk" and the voice of my quarry happily acquiesce... I panicked.
I hesitated for a brief moment, and then charged out the door with the fury of a billion suns to find myself in solitude as the door swung shut behind me. A split second later, I realized in one of those classic OH SHI- moments, that I had left my keys inside in my hurry. I was now a victim of a situation so enfuriating, so awkward, that I could not have done better had I a full day to plan it, because now, my only hope of getting back into the dorm was to wait for this fellow to return from his dirty deed and let me in.
I somehow had equipped my cell phone, and immediately dialled my accursed fairy godmother. For the past day or two I had been interacting through her more than actually with this girl, but what I had planned as furious verbal retribution came out as desperate and surprised mutterings. Another fellow happeend to be out that night and let me into the dorm, but now all I could do was pace around in the confines of a bedroom whose walls seemed to be perpetually closing in on me.
The silence of my room did not belie the roaring of a million voices in my brain, but both were suddenly punctuated by a thunderbolt that split the night sky. Suddenly, the heavens opened and it immediately began pouring. I rejoiced at this cosmic retribution and imagined how my adversary now celebrated a picnic in the rain - oh wait, perhaps that merely increased the romance factor of the situation. I burst out of my room and into the night. I had to clear my mind. I had to get thigns into perspective. I ran.
I ran and ran through the storm as my wounded heart pounded in tune with the wardrums of my mind. No matter how far nor fast I ran, I could not exhaust myself into the helpless complaceny I had so desperately sought. I wanted to eradicate all coherent thought from my mind, as every idea was charged with hatred and despair. I took shelter in a Gothic hall, as I partly wanted to avoid the couple, and laughed at my own folly. As the wave of athletic endorphins washed over me, I fell still and reached temporary oblivion. Calm again, I returned to the evening and walked slowly down the road back to the dorm.
Instead of entering, however, I went out to my car and blasted some music, screamed my voice out, read the Bible, cleaned my room, and stared at the ceiling before I finally lost consciousness.
This morning, I awoke in blissful ignorance that quickly melted before the avalanche of reality that engulfed me. I keep telling myself to act like nothing happened. I don't own her, I'm not entitled to her just because we shared our life stories, and she's free to forge her own path. There's no trust anymore amongst people. She betrayed me in betraying her boyfriend with a fellow who's betraying his girlfriend. The animal impulses that drive humans are the blood that courses across the hideously malformed flesh that we all hid beneath the thin paper masks we present to the world. Things didn't happen the way I wanted them to, but we don't always win, and there are lessons to be learned from these experiences. Life goes on, and before I know it, I'll be somewhere else, with completely differen people, and I can leave all this behind me like a bad dream. Today is a beautiful day in the fire of my youth, and though racked by residual emotions, I'm still young, sharp, and powerful with limitless possibilities before me. Life is a miserable charade.
All I have to do is put everything into perspective.
I'm still working at this residential summer camp I explained earlier, but the profound now strikes me as mundane, friendly smiles have become haughty sneers, and food has turns to ash before it reaches my mouth - ok, the cafteria food isn't *that* bad. As of late, the object of my impossibly insatiable desire, roused from slumber by some magical combination of midsummer heat and surpressed impulses, has been yet another of my fellow counselors. It may seem that I'm not very professional in this respect, but take it on faith that I am the least of the offenders in this respect, much to my frustration.
Every day had become a delightful opportunity to get to know this girl, and as I gazed into the depths of her eyes when we talked, I felt some communion with her. The occasion was rare that I would walk away from any interaction with her without sporting some big, boyish grin. But perhaps I don't go about romance businesslike enough, because we soon attracted the attention of one of those detestable yet immediately valuable future spinsters who heralded herself as the cure-all for any breed of relationship blues.
One night, this same would-be matchmaker approached me with the information that the object of my desire had a boyfriend to whom she felt some attachment. I was slightly put off by the fact, but I rallied any worked my way out of it. No worries, I thought, nothing ventured nothing gained: I did what I could, and surely she'll still make a very nice friend. Unfortunately, I had already arranged to partner up with her on our camp trip to the theme park the next day.
As the bus rolled there and back and throughout the day, we shared countless otherwise trivial moments that blossomed into mutual profundity. I won her a teddy bear at the park and I considered the day triumphant. Looking back on it shortly afterwards, however, I respected the sanctity of her relationship back home, and despite my feelings, I wished to undo them with her help. I purposely made the unwise decision to betray myself in letter form (I absolutely suck at explaining my emotions verbally) and present her with a choice: Invite me on or push me back, but in pushing me back, please, make the improbable impossible. Remove all doubt and all hope of anything ever happening between us.
She never really mentioned the letter to me since, but acted even more forward and when I caught her encouraging the culture of our relationship (those little inside jokes and knowing glances that couples always seem to trade to pass time), I took this as the invitation I had sought. The particulars of my job, however, put me under the chastising view of the campers at almost all times, so my hand was once again stayed before I could make my move.
Shortly thereafter, this meddling advisor confronted me with the prospect that while this girl had drifted away from considering her boyfriend in the scheme of things, she was now torn between myself and another fellow male counselor whose identity was kept secret from me. Her involvement at all with another male counselor was news to me, and I felt overwhelmed by this most starling revelation. I had been very tired that day, and this exhaustion had lulled me into one of those 'moods' where I can just endlessly stare off into space and make poor company. The advisor said that I must woo like I had never wooed before, but soon told me that the odds were tipping in my favor as, of course, this boon companion of mine, had been arguing my case nonstop. My wooing consisted of holding the door for a group of people that included her and ignoring her subsequent smile.
That night, last night, I lay in a stupor in the sitting room of our dormitory. Our housemaster had traded his night off with me, and as he was an old friend, I had agreed to watch his post for him while he partied (this was before I had been hinted to the pivotal nature of the evening). As I lay there, lost in a half-asleep oblivion, I heard a fellow male counselor of mine, who had been taking his day off, say "Hey, let's go for a walk" and the voice of my quarry happily acquiesce... I panicked.
I hesitated for a brief moment, and then charged out the door with the fury of a billion suns to find myself in solitude as the door swung shut behind me. A split second later, I realized in one of those classic OH SHI- moments, that I had left my keys inside in my hurry. I was now a victim of a situation so enfuriating, so awkward, that I could not have done better had I a full day to plan it, because now, my only hope of getting back into the dorm was to wait for this fellow to return from his dirty deed and let me in.
I somehow had equipped my cell phone, and immediately dialled my accursed fairy godmother. For the past day or two I had been interacting through her more than actually with this girl, but what I had planned as furious verbal retribution came out as desperate and surprised mutterings. Another fellow happeend to be out that night and let me into the dorm, but now all I could do was pace around in the confines of a bedroom whose walls seemed to be perpetually closing in on me.
The silence of my room did not belie the roaring of a million voices in my brain, but both were suddenly punctuated by a thunderbolt that split the night sky. Suddenly, the heavens opened and it immediately began pouring. I rejoiced at this cosmic retribution and imagined how my adversary now celebrated a picnic in the rain - oh wait, perhaps that merely increased the romance factor of the situation. I burst out of my room and into the night. I had to clear my mind. I had to get thigns into perspective. I ran.
I ran and ran through the storm as my wounded heart pounded in tune with the wardrums of my mind. No matter how far nor fast I ran, I could not exhaust myself into the helpless complaceny I had so desperately sought. I wanted to eradicate all coherent thought from my mind, as every idea was charged with hatred and despair. I took shelter in a Gothic hall, as I partly wanted to avoid the couple, and laughed at my own folly. As the wave of athletic endorphins washed over me, I fell still and reached temporary oblivion. Calm again, I returned to the evening and walked slowly down the road back to the dorm.
Instead of entering, however, I went out to my car and blasted some music, screamed my voice out, read the Bible, cleaned my room, and stared at the ceiling before I finally lost consciousness.
This morning, I awoke in blissful ignorance that quickly melted before the avalanche of reality that engulfed me. I keep telling myself to act like nothing happened. I don't own her, I'm not entitled to her just because we shared our life stories, and she's free to forge her own path. There's no trust anymore amongst people. She betrayed me in betraying her boyfriend with a fellow who's betraying his girlfriend. The animal impulses that drive humans are the blood that courses across the hideously malformed flesh that we all hid beneath the thin paper masks we present to the world. Things didn't happen the way I wanted them to, but we don't always win, and there are lessons to be learned from these experiences. Life goes on, and before I know it, I'll be somewhere else, with completely differen people, and I can leave all this behind me like a bad dream. Today is a beautiful day in the fire of my youth, and though racked by residual emotions, I'm still young, sharp, and powerful with limitless possibilities before me. Life is a miserable charade.
All I have to do is put everything into perspective.
