Grrr! Celebrity Has-Been

Tuesday, July 26, 2005

By Mike Straka



It's one thing to be heckled by Grrr! readers — but by a has-been celebrity?

Over the weekend I received a call from an old friend whom I haven't spoken to in over 10 years. In fact, this is a guy I invited to my wedding and he didn't even have the courtesy to respectfully decline. He just ignored the invite.

Anyway, the old friend calls and tells me he's sitting with Mr. Has Been, who is going to New York to promote his new reality show, and "would I do him a favor and put him on 'The Real Deal?'"

I won't mention his name but suffice it to say that you've heard of him. This guy makes Kato Kaelin interesting.

Now, forget the presumptuousness of such a "request" from someone I hadn't spoken to in years. Imagine me explaining to the editors why I featured a has-been on my show who isn't even in the promos for his own new reality show!

That's how far gone this guy is — his own show is afraid to put him in the promos for fear nobody will watch.

After I respectfully declined such a tempting offer, I heard Mr. Has Been in the background yelling "Thanks for nothing, pal," and "I don't need your show anyway, dude."

Can you believe the audacity of this guy?

Again, this goes right to the heart of our celebrity culture. It's the reason why Realities show up on red carpets and wonder why reporters like me or Billy Bush wave them past our cameras.

You had your fifteen minutes. It's time to move on. Get a life.

But noooooo. These has-beens or one-shot wonders or Realities will hold on to their fame until the bitter end. That's why you see them as "pop culture experts" on VH1 shows about the 80s, or on "all star" versions of their respective reality shows.

You ever wonder why the Doritos commercial girl or the GoDaddy.com chick from the Super Bowl ads show up on these types of shows to give soundbites about Def Leppard or Poison music? What in God's name makes them soundbite worthy in the first place?

As for the Realities, at least they can rest in peace on the FOX Reality Channel from here until Kingdom Come.

And as for my "friend" Mr. Has Been, previews of his new reality show are atrocious, so every bit of publicity will help — which is probably why he was heckling me, hoping I'd Grrr! him. Well, he was right, but I won't even mention his name.

I won't give him the satisfaction ... or the Google hit.

Random Grrrs

— You see the cop on the side of the road — the one with the lights on, who has pulled over the little hot rod? He's busy. There's no need to slam on your brakes!

— Stuck in a traffic jam? So are we. Honking your horn at the person in front of you — who is equally frustrated by the way — won't make your trip go any faster.

— It's summertime, people, and we're in the middle of a heat wave. How about a little deodorant?

— Speaking of the heat ... asking everybody you see "Is it hot enough for you?" gets really, really old.

— D.J. the Intern is from Arizona. He says 125 degrees is 125 degrees — dry heat or not. Stop assuming Arizona's dry heat is somehow easier to deal with than your more humid heat wave.

— Talking on your cell phone? Whether you're driving or walking, pay attention to where you're going and how fast you're moving. Nothing Grrrs me more than walking or driving behind someone who's crawling at a snail's pace because they're gabbing on the mobile.

— Public pool? Don't save an extra seat for your towel, you Obliviot. Have some common courtesy.

— When forwarding your stupid chain e-mail, at least copy and paste it into a new e-mail document. Don't just attach it again so recipients have to open 12 little envelopes only to get to the chain mail we're going to delete anyway... you Oblivion.