Everyone who really knows me personally knows that I am the most secure person they know. I am always confident in what I do, or at least, confident it's worth doing. I've always been unafraid of everything [and by afraid, that doesn't mean I'm not cautious, it just means I don't fear falling from heights, I just am warry of what will happen if I do, and I don't want that to happen... whatever].

But I have one gigantic insecurity:

I am so god damn jealous of other men.

This is something I hadn't discovered til my first girlfriend. Now that I'm in this new relationship with someone that I actually care about... I am so direlly afraid someone else wil ltake her away. I'm not actually worried about losing her, I'm worried about losing her because of someone else.

OK, I need to back up.

My girlfriend is going to a homecoming dance tonight at her own school with her friends [we go to different schools.] I am not at ALL worried about her, as she's a devoted girlfriend; this is all my problem. I'm SO worried that she's going to dance with some guy, and love being smaller than him. Love his big arms around her, his comfyness.

My girlfriend is a physical person; she's a skater, a dancer, and overall very physically fit. I'm 3 feet tall, short armed, and can't dance.

I'll never be able to give a woman a fancy dance partner, a pair of strong warm arms to hold her with, or that security and comfort that comes from being smaller than someone else.

I don't know, I think being a dwarf and being a guy really has a big impact on my ego, as that's one of the biggest aspects to the male persona, is his Ego, and his macho-ness. That's undeniable. Because I am smaller, weaker, etc, I feel like I'm impotent, like I can't offer someone the same things another guy could.

I don't know, all of this is moot, because she's devoted to me, and she loves me for who I am, not if I can pick her up or not. It's just that I feel sick with inability, and that's NOT a normal part of my life. I'm used to being totally confident and unafraid of everything.

This actually extends even further, as my little cousin was born last year, and now that I'm older, I can actually stand to sit with a baby and watch him smile and kick and whatever... but I can't hold him, make him feel secure. I can't hold him over my head and lower him down and play with him... he's almost as big as me for god sakes.

What happens when I have a kid? How am I going to live with not being able to hold my own child? How can I be a voice of authority if my child can lift me over his head before he's even 10?

I don't know, just something I've been thinking about. Sort of makes me depressed, another thing that never happens to me.

JediKirby

I'm afraid all I can add sounds over-simplified and cliche, but here goes anyway. I wouldn't worry about her leaving you because of your physical limitations. She chose to be with you with the full knowledge of your physical build and what it would mean. If she has chosen to seriously date you, then she cares about you, regardless of your size and arm length.

Well, it's not really her that I'm worried about, I'm not exactly worried at all. I'm just a little disapointed that I can't be there for her, or for my child, in that way.

You know for someone who's "confident" and bla bla bla, you seem to do an excessive number of blog threads on Massassi asking what you should do in some given situation...

Confidence != all knowing.

I was referring to that comment.

That statement doesn't say I know WHAT to do, just that I'm always confident in what I DO actually do.

Please stop trying to find a reason to look like an elitist *******. Thanks.

I'm not trying to find a reason to look like one. I already know I AM one.

I was just making an observation.

You're cool, kirby.

So basically, I did some research.

I have a very hidden Napoleon Complex, despite my parents constantly attempting to help me understand who and what I was, and that my life would more than certainly be different than anyone elses. That, however, didn't do anything to avoid the inferiority complex [up yours Frued], and instead, forced it to come out 10 fold. To compensate for a constantly hurt ego, I've had to be far more up front and open with people, showing myself off, and getting deep into people, personally. This has lead to an inevitable existantialist view; something I'd never associated with my disabilities before.

Now, because of my emotional steroids from the Napoleon Complex, suddenly I'm unable to accept my physical status in reference to social acceptance. If I am socially aware of my own disabilities, suddenly I am insecure. That's why holding my girlfriend makes me feel inferior, or why her dancing with a big strong man makes me feel even more inferior.

So now that I know all of this? I feel 100% better. It's almost like knowing why I am the way I am has allowed me to be socially aware of myself through my own eyes, not as a reflection of my ability or inability in someone else's eyes.

I know none of you really had any idea what to tell me, but thanks for at least reading. I fixed my own problem :-P

JediKirby

No problem :p

I wish I could fix my problems like that. MY problem is that I always understand why I have a problem, but it doesn't change anything. I still have the problem, I can just analyze what I'm doing while I'm doing it. Peh.

This has actually been an interesting read. Kirby, I hope it al works out well for you (even though it sounds like it already has). Just a question, did you do your reasearch from a book or find it on the web somewhere? Can you post a link? I'd like to see what kind of person I am!

This coupled wth Wikipedia.