As an undergraduate, the Computer Science department interests me most. My fascination with computers, curiosity of their inner workings, and constant desire to know what they are truly capable of compels me in my quest to learn as much as I can. The School of Computer Science at Carnegie Mellon is a rigorous and challenging program, yielding the best results and producing the very best students. Another driving motive behind my decision to apply to Carnegie Mellon is the exceptional robotics program.

Ever since I was a child, I have had ideas to improve computers. My father and I used to play a fighter jet simulator, he would fly and I would shoot. One day, I remarked this game would be a lot easier with two mice. While it may not be the most industry-shattering innovation, it was an impressive and out-of-the-box idea for a five year old. As I have gotten older, I developed more reasonable methods of improving computers and their programs. I began to teach myself anything and everything I could learn, spending hours on Wikipedia and other internet sites, reading books and magazines - developing a solid background to aid me in my ideas.

In middle school, the only computer class available to me was a general computing class. We worked mostly with Microsoft Office, but one day the teacher introduced us to HTML. This fascinated me; it was my first experience with any form of programming. By typing in a few words and symbols here, I could create an entire world over there! It was amazing. The class moved on to other, more boring, in my opinion, topics like Powerpoint and Excel. I finished the class work as quickly as possible (While still maintaining my grade), and then opened up Notepad again to learn more and play with HTML. My first exposure to a real programming language was during my Freshmen year of High School when I joined a club called “Botball.” I built and programmed real robots, after learning a language called Interactive C. In 10th grade, I mastered Visual Basic, becoming one of the top programmers in the class. That summer I taught myself the basics of both Python and C, and I learned Java the following school year. For my internship at the National Security Agency this year, I taught myself Perl and Bash scripting. In my free time, I often start projects in order to teach myself a new concept or test an algorithm I invented. My lust for knowledge drives me to be continuously learning more and more, and putting it to use whenever and wherever possible.

As important and valuable as programming is to me, I do not wish to confine myself to a future of slaving away in front of a screen for all eternity, producing programs that only interact with databases and users. My real passion is robotics. Botball exposed me to robots, and I am addicted. Typing characters into a text editor, pressing the "Upload and Run" button, and seeing the creature I forged from motley pieces of metal and plastic roar to life, zip around the room, weave through table and chair legs, dodge obstacles, and follow balls rolled in front of it is truly an awe inspiring sight. I plan to take advantage of Carnegie Mellon’s extraordinary Robotics program to the best of my ability; my wide and diverse background and experience will ensure I become a great asset to the department. I will take every opportunity to explore new projects and ideas, learning all I can, so one day I can build and program robots professionally.

The School of Computer Science at Carnegie Mellon is a rigorous and challenging program, but it also yields the best results and produces the very best students.[/QUOITE]
>> Change "program, but it also yields" to "program, but also yields." The "but" seems unnecessarily and removing it helps the sentence flow.


>> This seems like a snippet that was added on to make the paragraph longer. Especially since to go on to talk about how it is your passion and whatnot. Try
to avoid flattery and "what they want to hear." Just write about YOU. Something better may be, "I also have a passion for robotics, which I plan to explore while at Carnegie Mellon." or something.


>> Should be "As I have grown older." Gotten is a very sloppy and poor choice of word.


>> You're using a concrete detail, "Wikipedia," and then throwing in abstract concepts like books and magazines. I believe your usage of the dash is incorrect as well. However, you can avoid it all together, which is a more elegant solution anyways. Like so:


>> Notice the use of concrete details. Don't tell the story, SHOW it.


>> First off, kill the semicolon. I used to use them, but I found I could rearrange entire sentences into more elegant solutions. What do you mean by "by typing in a few words and symbols here, I could create an entire world over there!"? It seems confusing. I would also say things like "keywords and tags" instead of vague words like "words and symbols." To me, "words and symbols" seems like you're dumbing down what you're trying to say, as if your audience may not understand. You're writing to college admissions staff, whom, although intelligent, may not be familiar with all the concepts of which you are writing. So that means you don't want it to sound dumb but you don't want it to sound complex, either. I think "keywords and tags" makes more sense.

I suggest an alternate similar to the following:


>> Notice the concrete details I used. It doesn't matter your Uncle runs a construction business, they're not going to know and they're not going to care. You need details that stand out and grab the reader's attention. You're writing to people who are going to be reading thousands of applications just this year. You want to write something solid and concrete, something that they'll remember once they're done reading the next two hundred essays. It should be memorable, not the same abstract dribble most high school students write. You may also choose a better word instead of "fascinated." Dazzled, captivated, enthralled, etc. Use a thesaurus, but don't overuse it. Don't use words which are TOO strong, and BE VERY SURE that it doesn't LOOK like you're using a thesarus. There's nothing worse than saying, "hey, I wanted to sound smart so I used big words!" Use DESCRIPTIVE words that precisely describe your feelings and show what you want to say. Nothing else.


>> Yuck. Nix this complete. Don't even discuss the boring topics. It's too negative. You mention finishing work as quickly as possible, while still maintaining your grade. To me, that's say, "I worked real fast, but don't worry, I didn't slack off and cut corners!" It's like you're appealing to them. You don't need or want to do that. Your transcript does that for you. It's not even necessary to begin with. The only nice thing is the Notepad remark. I'd replace the whole thing with something like:


>> Notice the word tinker. I like that word. I think it very accurately describes what you're trying to say. It's also not a big, smart sounding word. It's perfect. Dabble may work as well, although I don't prefer it to tinker.


First of all, that should be a new paragraph. Infact, you could probably use a lot more paragraphs, as I just realized. I'll get to that later. This sentence is a good start, but has problems. First, what do you mean "after learning a language called Interactive C"? Just say "Here I built and programmed real robots, using a language called Interactive C." Also, talk about what exactly Botball was, and why you liked it. Describe, in detail, what was so "real" about these robots. Were they big enough and powerful enough to give you a ride? Could it outrun the short kid? Say so! But not just any short kid, your friend Jimmy. Jimmy sounds like a good short kid name.


This should also be a new paragraph. I really don't like how you jumped from Botball to the summer when you learned Python and C. Definitely talk more about Botball, I know it was a major interest for you. Your "lust" for knowledge? That's a very strong word with negative connotations, I would avoid it. I get a mental image of a vampire-like happydud with blood dripping down his neck, stooped over an open book. It's not a really good image. A simple "my admiration and desire for knowledge" would be a lot better.

Gramatically, try "That summer I tought myself the basics of Python and C, and learned Java the following school year." I don't like the use of "both" and "I learned," something like what I wrote flows better, in my opinion. What's this internship you speak of? A senior project? If that's what it's called, call it that. Don't try to dumb down the name in order to make it easier to understand. Remember that these people have read thousands over the years. They'll know what you're talking about. Perhaps talk more about what the internship was and what it was about. Be brief if you feel it is of brief importance.

Oh, and the "learning more and more, and putting it to use whenever and wherever possible" has got to change. First of all, scratch the "and." Just doesn't belong. "Whenever and wherever" is rather cliche, try to come up with something fresh and detailed. Did you program a robot to collect your laundry? Make one of those crazy contraptions that cooks breakfast for you? Where did you put it to use? If you can show that you put it to use instead of saying it, your statement will be a lot more convincing.


A good point, but you should refine how you put it. "Slaving away" is pretty strong and has negative connotations. I think of third-world, outsourced programmers in India or something when I read it. This would be a great opportunity for some descriptive details. It's not just that you don't want to be slaving away at a computer, it's that you don't want to be slaving away in a cramped cubical with a missing stapler in an office with way too many motivational posters, right? Well say so!


If your real passion is robotics, it shouldn't have been saved until the conclusion paragraph. They might also be wondering why, if your passion is robotics, you aren't applying to the robotics program. You should explain why.

This is a decent sentence though. I like your use of details, although you could be more concrete. Specify what objects it dodges, describe how it follows the balls which roll infront of it. Was it funny or silly? Say so!

What do you mean by "and seeing the creature I forgot from pieces of metal and plastic"? I don't see how "forgot" works. Also, try to find something other than "awe inspiring" (which should be awe-inspiring, with a hyphen, by the way). It's another cliched word. Awe-inspiring is a very strong word that seems to exaggerate what you're trying to say. Something more simple and low key such as "stunning" would fit better.


If you're going to claim that you'll be a great asset, you should say why. You've already done so with "take every opportunity", "explore new projects and ideas," etc., but you may want to elaborate more. But try not to sound pretentious.


Overall, I have to say, this is a fairly poor essay, but I can tell it's an early draft. If not...yikes! But we can work on that. You know what you want to say, you just have to work on saying it. The most striking thing about this essay is the lack of organization. It's difficult for me to help you with this over the internet, I HIGHLY recommend you talk to SEVERAL of your high school English teachers. If you have a deptartment head whose been there for 40 years and used to write speaches for the President or something, talk to him. Get as many opinions as possible, and show each person what everyone else has said about your essay.

For structure, you need to work on paragraphs and organizing and connecting your ideas. I would suggest a stronger introduction. An opening anecdote would be great. You're in a similar boat as I was: you had awesome high school experiences and that drove you into your selected choice of college program. Opening anecdotes are just stories you SHOW (not tell, remember), independant of the actual introduction, in it's own paragraph. You may jump ahead to your experience with Botball or FIRST (weren't you in FIRST?), giving a very descriptive, detailed, captivating, maybe even humorous anecdote. It doesn't have to be from an epic competition. Infact, I would suggest something otherwise. Maybe a fond memory from your Botball club. Someone making the robot doing something silly, perhaps. Tell a story that shows them something about you. Something about you which doesn't appear on transcripts and recommendation letters. Something DIFFERENT from all the other druge they go through. Something memorable.

From there, you can go onto a formal introduction, which could be the memories of you and your dad. I really like that, by the way. You should go into more detail about it. Then, proceed to talking about what you did in middle school/junior high, then refer back to Botball. Make sure you connect every paragraph and idea with the previous one using proper transitions. It's hard for me to describe without talking to you in person, but this is where your English teachers can really help you.

I know what I'm suggesting will probably push your essay over a page. Either cut back in quantity, keeping the details (quality over quantity), or go with it. The reason they only want one page is because they don't want to waste a lot of time reading the same old drudge that students keep sending in. If you make something truly interesting and memorable, they won't mind reading an extra half a page. Remember, you want to tell them about you, they already know about your academics, they already know that you think their program is fantastic. Show them the side of you that all the other paperwork doesn't. Ideally, you want an essay that, after reading, they'll go "wow, we wouldn't even need to interview this guy, accepted!" It may sound difficult, but you can do it. The question of the essay is why you have chosen your major or deptartment, but you don't just want to answer that question. You want them to get to know you in a page and a half, WITHOUT actually talking about yourself. That's what they're REALLY looking for, and you can do it, you just have to work on it.

Anyways, long post, but I hope it helps. If you have any more questions, feel free to ask or IM me. (Cedak5 if you don't have it).

I was always taught in highschool to never write I in an essay.

As an undergraduate, the Computer Science department interests me most. My fascination with computers, curiosity of their inner workings, and constant desire to know what they are truly capable of compels me in my quest to learn as much as I can. The major driving motives behind my decision to apply to Carnegie Mellon are the exceptional Computer Science and Robotics programs.

Ever since I was a child, I have had ideas to improve computers. My father and I used to play a fighter jet simulator where he would fly and I would shoot. One day, I remarked that this game would be a lot easier with two mice. While it may not be the most industry-shattering innovation, it was an impressive and out-of-the-box idea for a five year old. As I grew older, I developed more reasonable methods of improving computers and their programs. I began to teach myself anything and everything I could learn, spending hours on websites such as Wikipedia, reading magazines like Wired or Popular Science, and pouring over old programming books discovered in basements and libraries.

In middle school, the only computer class available was a general computing class, where we worked mostly with Microsoft Office. One day, however, the teacher introduced us to HTML. As my first experience with a form of programming, I was captivated. By merely entering a few keywords and tags, I could create anything from a personal webpage about my love of robots and science fiction to a profession site advertising my uncle’s construction business. The class moved on to other, more boring, topics like Powerpoint and Excel, but during my free time I always opened up Notepad and tinkered around with HTML, trying and testing new things.

My first exposure to a real programming language was during my freshmen year of High School when I joined a club called “Botball.” I built and programmed autonomous robots using a language called Interactive C. In 10th grade, I mastered Visual Basic, becoming one of the top programmers in the class. That summer I taught myself the basics of Python and C, and learned Java the following school year. For my internship this year, I taught myself Perl and Bash scripting. In my free time, I often start projects in order to teach myself a new concept or test an algorithm I invented. My thirst for knowledge constantly drives me to learn more, putting it to use wherever possible.

As important and valuable as programming is to me, I do not wish to confine myself to a future of slaving away in front of a screen for all eternity. My real passion is robotics. Botball exposed me to robots, and I am addicted. Typing characters into a text editor, pressing the "Upload and Run" button, and seeing the creature I forged from motley pieces of metal and plastic roar to life, zip around the room, weave through table and chair legs, dodge obstacles, and follow balls rolled in front of it is truly a stunning sight.

I plan to take advantage of Carnegie Mellon’s extraordinary Robotics program to the best of my ability; my wide and diverse background and experience will ensure I become a great asset to the department. I will take every opportunity to explore new projects and ideas, learning all I can, so one day I can build and program robots professionally.

Tae-Kwan-Doe, my martial art of choice, has influenced my life in immeasurable ways. Since I began four years ago, I am constantly in peak physical condition and continue to stay in shape. Through Tae-Kwan-Doe I have learned the patience and diligence of a teacher by practicing and assisting the instructor in helping other students. I have learned the necessity of balance, whether I am balancing precision control and raw power or homework and my social life. I have learned self-esteem through the strenuous exercises required to attain my advanced level and through the knowledge that I am able to defend myself if necessary. In less than a week I test for my black belt – what will be the most physically demanding event of my life. Tae-Kwan-Doe has taught me more than just how to kick, punch, and defend myself; it has taught me how to live.

And don't listen to Emon, ha has never admitted anyone to college. We cant tell you what they are looking for only what not to put that may hurt your chances.

You dont read. I wasnt attacking him.

Sample Essay #5

Accepted by Stanford

When I look at this picture of myself, I realize how much I’ ve grown and changed, not only physically, but also mentally as a person in the last couple of years. Less than one month after this photograph was taken, I arrived at the [school’ s name] in [school’ s location] without any idea of what to expect. I entered my second year of high school as an innocent thirteen year-old who was about a thousand miles from home and was a new member of not the sophomore, but “ lower-middle” class. Around me in this picture are the things which were most important in my life at the time: studying different types of cars and planes, following Michael Jordan’ s latest move, and seeing the latest blockbuster show like “ Phantom of the Opera” or “ Jurassic Park” . On my t-shirt is the rest of my life -- tennis. Midway through my senior year at the special [school’ s name] school, the focuses in my life have changed dramatically.

If there is one common occurrence which takes place for every single person in the diverse student body at [school’ s name], it is that we all grow up much faster for having lived there. I do not know whether this speeding up of the maturing process is generally good or bad, but I definitely have benefited.

The classroom has become a whole different realm for me. Before, the teachers and students alike preached the importance of learning, but it was implicitly obvious that the most important concern was grades. At [school’ s name] teachers genuinely believe that learning is the most importance objective and deeply encourage us to collaborate with each other and make use of all resources that we may find. In fact, in a certain class this year, my teacher assigned us to prepare every day of the week to discuss a certain book; there were only two require-ments in this preparation -- we had to maximize our sources, gleaning from everything and everyone in the school, but we were not allowed to actually look at the book. As a result, I know more about that book than any other that I have actually read. It is teaching methods such as this which ensure that we will learn more. Indeed, this matter of “ thinking” has been one of the most important aspects of my experience. Whether in Physics or English, I’ m required to approach every problem and idea independently and creatively rather than just regurgitate the teacher’ s words. In discussion with fellow students both inside and outside of class, the complex thoughts flowing through everyone’ s brain is evident.

However, I believe that the most important concepts that I have espoused in being independent of my parents for half of each year, deal with being a cosmopolitan person. The school’ s faculty and students are conscious about keeping all of the kids’ attention from being based on the school. Every single issue of global concern is brought forth by one group or another whether it be a faculty member, publication, ethnic society, or individual student. Along with being aware of issues of importance, after attending [school’ s name] my personality has evolved. First, my mannerisms have grown: the school stresses giving respect to everyone and everything. Our former headmaster often said, “ Character can be measured not by one’ s interaction with people who are better off than him or herself, but by one’ s interactions with those who are worse off.” The other prime goal of the school’ s community is to convert every single timid lower-classman into a loud, rambunctious senior. Basically, if you have an opinion about something, it is wrong not to voice that opinion. Of course, being obnoxious is not the idea. The key is to become a master of communication with teachers, fellow students, all of who are a part of the community, and most importantly, those who are outside of the community.

I do not want to make [school’ s name] sound as if it produces the perfect students, because it doesn’ t. But the school deserves a lot of credit for its efforts. Often, some part of the mold does remain. As the college experience approaches, I am still the same person, only modified to better maximize my talents. Although I still have some time to play tennis and see movies, perhaps one of the few similarities between this photograph and me now is my smile.

ADMISSIONS COMMITTEE COMMENTS:
This essay is fairly well written. The essayist makes boarding school his focus, using it to explain and describe how and why he has changed over the years. A lot of students write about what wonderful people they have become, but they fail to do a good job of understanding and explaining the forces that prevailed to make them change. This writer focuses on the strengths of the school itself. He demonstrates the sort of values it tries to instill in its students such as, “Encouraging us to collaborate with each other and make use of all resources that we may find,” and “Giving respect to everyone and everything.” Because the writer does so, the reader never doubts that the applicant possesses all the qualities that he credits to the school. Using this method has two advantages. First, the positive, upbeat attitude he has toward his institution is rare. Second, Stanford, for one, recognized that this would reflect well on his ability to adapt to and be a positive force at their school.