By following the simple advice I heard on a Dr. Phil show, I have finally found inner peace .

Dr. Phil proclaimed the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the
things you have started....

So I looked around my house to see things I started and hadn't finished. So, before leaving the house this morning I finished off:
a bottle of Merlot
a bottle of White Zinfandel
a bottle of Baileys
a bottle of Kahlua
a package of Oreos
the remainder of both Prozac and Valium prescriptions
the rest of the Cheesecake
some Saltines....
and a box of Chocolates.

You have no idea how freaking good I feel. :p

Post your funnay jokes, massawwsee!

if(getThingFlags(source) & 0x8){
  do her}
elseif(getThingFlags(source) & 0x4){
  do other babe}
else{
  do a dude}

Something I had the honor of witnessing myself:

I was sitting in a pub with some friends, when suddenly a slightly overweight man made a loud entry. From his attire and his thick accent it was apparent, that he was a Texan tourist. He sat down at the bar ordered "the well-known German beer", drank a bit and talked to the other guests sitting at the bar.
After about half an hour. He demanded to be heard. He held two 100 dollar bills up so instantly got the silence he wanted. What he said went along the lines of:
"Everyone says that the Germans are capable of consuming vast amounts of alcohol. But from what I've seen here so far you only use your huge pints as decoration. I give Two Hundred American Dollars to the man who can drink ten pints in a row."
Although it was a great affront to hour German honor nobody took his bet. One man left the pub in a hurry. Disappointed the Texan sat down again at the bar.
But after some minutes the man who had left the pub came back and took the bet. The Texan made the barkeeper lay out ten pints of his finest beer. The contestant emptied them all one after another in almost no time at all.
Visibly impressed the Texan paid the man and said: "Yes, you truly are remarkable people. But tell me, what did you leave the bar for?"
The German man answered: "Oh, I just went over the road to the other pub to see if I could really drink ten pints in a row."

Not really a joke, but related -

One Christmas my mate was in the shopping centre looking for presents and his brother asked what he wanted for christmas. My mate ask for one of those little Zen gardens, but his Brother said No, because he didn't deserve inner peace.

We all know George W. Bush doesn't drink beer. He's a Christian.

Thou shalt not drink beer? Every alcoholic that I know is Christian.

/confused.

.

way to kill my thread already

if(getThingFlags(source) & 0x8){
  do her}
elseif(getThingFlags(source) & 0x4){
  do other babe}
else{
  do a dude}

I could edit it so that the Texan didn't drink anything besides water.

What's E.T. short for?

Because he has short legs.

Warning: Slight adult theme.

So I went to the local bar, and there was guy guy sitting next to me. Mind you, not just a guy, but one with a slight alcohol problem. Ordered beer, and more beer, and more, and just kept drinking. This is where I went to another bar, and had fun with some girls. When I came back, about 3 hours later, the guy was still sitting there, and still drinking beer like there was no tomorrow. I sat down next to him, and a conversation followed. 'Woah, dude, slight alcoholic problem?' 'Hah, no, I have good reason.' 'Care to share it?' 'Oh man, first ever blowjob.' 'Ooh, you're celebrating!' 'Huh? Celebrating? I'm trying to make the damn taste go away.'

Gawd.

Anyways, German scientists install a black box on each a Mercedes Benz



and a Trabant



Of course, ironical as life is, a month later they crash into each other. After the Germans remove the black boxes from the automobiles, they hear the following records:

Mercedes Benz driver screaming, "Aaaah, oh GOD, no, ****, ****, NOOO!", and the Trabant driver telling the other 7 people in his car, "Hey, guys, look what I can do."

Heh, a friend had a Trabant for a while. It's amazing what you can make out of cardboard...