The Lair of the White Worm is a 1974 ****buster English blaxploitation film that carries beneath its arguably cheap surface undertones of racial prejudice and pride.
Even though it is a movie wearing exploitation on its sleeve, many critics say the movie is in good taste--"much like kittens covered in gravy." (Roger Ebert, 12.03.77)
However, it was also deemed "culturally insignificant" by CoC, a Consortium of Critics, who flaunt their massive filmic penises at the expense of decent criticism.
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The movie begins in the Hibernian hills of bonnie Scatland, home of the Scat tribe--headed by the fearsome Scatman himself, L. Armstrong. As the viewer is given scenes of Scatland, an algid voiceover can be heard and matches the black frost of the landscape. It recounts the history of the land, a land as ruptured as a ruptured spleen, and as barren of men as Wikipedia is of wit.
Chapter the First
Years ago--so long ago only the mindless roving minds of the blindest hermits can croak of it as a dim, red recollection--a Great Bloodshed had taken place in this land. The ranks and chink of glowing armour and blaring horn had saturated the landscape. Two great but terrible entities, the Elder Gods and the Snotnose Kid Gods, whose enmity had reached back into time immemorable, had pitted themselves in the wastelands of this wild frontier. Their conflict in the land of Scatland had humble beginnings.
During a time of truce, the Gods had assembled a party on planet Methuselah for Jason, the youngest of the Elder Gods at 10,234 years old, in celebration of his reacquired status as a bachelor. Attending this party was Keith, one of the oldest and most cynical of the Snotnose Kid Gods. Jason declared, "I oh so love this bachelor lifestyle! I feel like a million bucks!" Keith heard this, and, in great comedic form and pissed off from a recent lost bet, he laid a quiet little jab--yet loud for all its snideness--into the open: "Too bad you look like a million years old, too." Deeply stung and still raw from an earlier feud with Keith, Jason declared in his official voice, "Coward! Knave! Knowest thou my whim is action, and my whim is thy death!" The two dropped their champagne glasses and immediately flew to battle, strewing the once jubilant scenes into a rampage of cosmic lances and rapiers. The battle was initially a free-for-all, but it inevitably divided into two sides, with Keith and Jason the leaders of the God factions.
Chapter the Second
The battle was victorless, but the machinations of war were irrevocably set into hideous motion. Under the spell of war, the two sides departed to new Fortresses in their elephantine vehicles, causing an unfortunate bottleneck of cosmic proportion. The Elder Gods chose the Palace of J'ruahheedok'afangor on Methuselah as their fort, while the young Gods chose the decadent Bamoral Castle, on Earth, in Scatland, as their secret base.
After years of relative quiet and subterfuge, after many generations of men and women had passed and to humans this particular feud seemed as old as time, the Gods met in the battle of Hastings--remember kids, one of the most important dates in history, just ask your history teacher--where the eldritch forces tapped the sources of the unnameable power of the White Worm, causing a rift in time and a black hole to form, sucking and trapping the Gods for all eternity in its durance until the even higher diety of Fate deems they should be released.
It is said that located in the black heart of the land of Scatland, the bottom of the infinite Maw of Malice houses the black hole that sucked away the Gods, and its deathly grapple is slowly draining the universe of its very existence.
Chapter the Third
After this little prelude, the narrative of the movie then returns to the present, where the Scatman, a simple black man, but also the king of the Scats, is fishing for a large herring. The movie spends 5 of its 11 hours concerning the catching of this herring, and it ultimately has little impact with the rest of the plot.
After finally catching this distracting fish, the Scatman comes upon a book--the Book of Enoch--provided by one of the aforementioned croaking blind hermits, which reveals he is a demigod, a descendant of the Gods and a woman who had a penchant for kinky sex involving swans. While appropriately disgusted, the Scatman realizes he has a destiny--a destiny surely given him by Fate herself. This destiny is to free the legendary Gods from their pit of oblivion, and save the universe from the death-grapple of the black hole!
Chapter the Third, Part Two
Needless to say, the Scatman leaves his tribe and traverses the wasteland of Scatland, meeting many an ogre and grue and the ghost of Andre the Giant, until he comes to the Maw. Plunging forth into its depths, he comes unto the Temple of Chiaos, a temple overgrown with mutant and monstrous chia pets, writhing in anger and malice. Fending these foes off, he enters the temple, and following a climatic fight with Apathy himself, he discovers that the White Worm, the force behind the black hole, is nothing but a white supremacist! The black Scatman realizes his destiny is not one merely of saving the Gods and preserving the universe, but it also to fight the greater battle of racial prejudice! Invigorated by his newfound mission, the Scatman uses his great Scatting ways, shouting, "Deebopadeeropaskeedapadeedoo!" causing the White Worm to explode at this unparalleled state of Cool.
The movie ends with the Scatman signing profitable music and basketball contracts and being turned into a constellation amid his brethren Gods to the sappy tune of "What a Wonderful World".
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High Praise from High Places
"Good story!!!"
~ Sir Edmund Hillary on Mt. Everest
"This movie is a mother****ing thing of beauty, unlike Jackie Brown, which is a racist piece of bull****! Hey, stop censoring me you mother****ing crackas!"
~ Samuel L. Jackson on a plane with snakes
"This **** is better than swan porn."
~ Zeus on Mt. Olympus*
"Woah, good stuff."
~ Robert Downey Jr. on cocaine
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I just killed the forum :DDDD
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Ribberium Mempyre!
Originally Posted by Chaz Ghostle
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