...
TO BILL BRASKY!
Bill Brasky is a son of a *****! Do you fellas know Bill Brasky?
(Hell yeah, I know Bill Brasky! He's a big fella, goes about 6'4", 280. He loves his Scotch!)
He does! He's a hell of a salesman!
(To Bill Brasky!)
Did you know Bill Brasky is the godfather of my son?
(Bill Brasky?)
(He's a big fella!)
(Oh yeah, he's a big guy! Goes about 6'7", 385.)
Well, anyway.. he shows up at the church in his golf pants, caked in mud. Well, ol' Bill Brasky pushes the priest aside and says, "I'll baptize that piece of calimari!" Then he pours Scotch all over my baby son and says, "There! You're baptized!"
(And your son is blind to this day!)
(Yeah, he makes brooms somewhere in Georgia, doesn't he?)
I have no idea... To Bill Brasky!
Did I ever tell you about the time Bill Brasky sold me into slavery?
(Well, if you're talking about Bill Brasky, I believe it!)
Oh, yeah! He puts me on a ship to Thailand, right? And I'm chained to a pipe. Meanwhile, ol' Brasky, he's back in the States siring three beautiful children with my wife!
(I hate Bill Brasky.. but I respect him!)
(Are you talking about Bill Brasky? I know Bill Brasky!)
Then let me buy you a round!
Did I ever tell you about the time Bill Brasky showed up at my daughter's wedding? You know my daughter, she's a beautiful girl.
(I tell you, I'd like to have sex with her!)
Well, Brasky shows up.. and you know he's a big fella.
(Goes about 7'8", 530.)
Well, he's standing right between me and my daughter at the ceremony. He's got no right to be there, but he's drunk and he's Brasky! Well, long story short: the priest accidentally marries me and Brasky! We spend the weekend in the Poconos - he loves me like I've never been loved before!
(Best damn salesman in the office! To Bill Brasky!!!)
You know how Brasky served three tours in 'Nam? Well, I'm in Corpus Christi on business a month ago, and I had this eight-foot tall Asian waiter.. which made me a little curious, so I asked him his name, and sure enough it's Ho Tran Brasky!
Hey, you ever go camping with Brasky? I went camping with Brasky, his wife, and his daughter Debbie!
(Debbie Brasky?)
Debbie Brasky. She's 7-years-old, goes about 3'5", 55 pounds. So, I'm in the back of a pickup with Bill Brasky and a live deer! Well, Brasky, he grabs the deer by the antlers, looks at it and says, "I'm Bill Brasky! Say it!" Then he squeezes the deer in such a way that a sound comes out of its mouth - "Billbrasky!" It wasn't exactly it, but it was pretty good for a deer!
I once saw him eat a whole live chicken.
His favorite movie is "One on One" with Robby Benson.
Bill Brasky once gave me a videotape of him having sex with my wife, and it was the most beautiful damn thing I ever saw!
(I have that tape!)
(So do I!)
To Bill Brasky! A ten-foot-tall, two-ton son of a ***** who could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing!
Brasky is neither alive nor dead. He exists on a plane of infinity, ejecting himself only once a day to sire a new child in one of our wives. To Bill Brasky!!!
His liver is stored in the Smithsonian and he donated one of his lungs to Lance Armstrong.
He sleeps in a cocoon.
His favorite backstreet boy is AJ only because he hate ****ed him on a dare.
At the begining of the film "Anchorman", it is stated "Based on actual events. Only the people, places and events have been changed."
This is because it was originally the story of Brasky and how he single-handedly changed broadcast news.
The four anchormen are all obviously based off of Brasky's "Aspects", or "Avatars", and Will's character "Ron Burgundy" is named after Brasky's third testicle (however, his penis is named Septagon rather than Octagon, but Brasky has "Septagon" copyrighted so they couldn't use it). Brasky has a cameo as the newborn panda. He reportedly spent hours in training for the part.
Brasky once told me that Chuck Norris was the perfect choice for the Missing in Action trilogy since Brasky hid Chuck Norris in his anus for 3 years.
Brasky had me for lunch last week... literally.
I was served with a side of potato hash, and a glass of Riesling, a wine from the grand cru vineyard of Osterberg. Brasky thought I was so exquisite that he's ensnared my wife, breeding with her in an hourly rotation and harvesting the bastards for more succulent meat. I hear he's gonna make a restaurant chain that'll span the eastern coast of America, including 2 joints in New Hampshire!
Bill Brasky has called me, yelling "I'm running out of time!" near the end of every hour since 1991.
Brasky's car is powered by sunshine and thoughts of happiness. Ironically, wherever he drives, he causes biblical-proportion storming and invokes thoughts of fear into anyone nearby.
He idolizes the Kool-Aid Man for his boyish good looks and athletically toned body!
I'm legally retarded. TO BILL BRASKY!!!
Like a monkey, Brasky throws his own feces when angered!
Brasky's business card is a baboon heart with a picture of Brasky chokeslamming Mother Theresea stapled to it!
Brasky's left ear is a mid-flight refeuling station for those planes that fly into hurricanes.
The sound of Brasky's snoring is so high pitched that no human can hear it. However, dogs can hear it from a 350 mile radius and immediately go into heat.
Hey! I know a guy by the name of William Robert Brasky! He's a 900 year old degenerate with a sheen like a Norse God!
One time, going back 5 seasons or so, Brasky and I found ourselves stranded in Thailand with no food, money, or spirits left in our hearts. It was nearing 3:50pm, Wisconsin time, where they show reruns of Chico and the Man on the local station there. Brasky LOVED Chico, and there was no way he was going to miss the broadcast. To make enough money to get outta the place, he signs me up for a kick-boxing tournament, and begins vigorously training me (With such exercises as barrel hoping, fire wrestling, and forcing myself to eat an entire tin fence), to win the purse. Due to the relentless (and sometimes sinful) coaching Brasky provided, I made it all the way to the final match. I went 16 rounds, 9 of them with a broken leg and 3 with a ruptured cornea, until with 47 seconds to go in the round, Brasky stabbed me in the back of the neck with a broken light-bulb. With a broken leg, I couldn't get up, and couldn't make the count.
When I woke on the front-step of a butcher shop, I learned that Brasky bet against me in the final fight, and won $1,813. It was plenty to get us both home, in first class even, but Brasky's always been money-smart, and wanted to make sure he had enough for drinks, a tip, and a pair of in-flight headphones.
I'm blind in one eye, and will never feel stimulus from the right side of my body again, but you have to respect a guy that always puts aside money to tip the Stewardess.
I just can't understand why he needed to get home to see a show that he co-wrote...
I tried to kill myself again last night. TO WILLIAM ROBERT BRASKY!
Brasky's junior high years are documented in the movie "The Road Warrior" starring Mel Gibson. In fact, Brasky personally funded the movie himself with change found in one of his sleeper sofas. Upon screening, Brasky sued for defamation of character claiming Mel Gibson made him look like a pussy and the limited number of violent deaths made Brasky appear "soft".
Brasky invented the sleeper hold while in college and used it as foreplay.
Like an octopus, Brasky has suction cups on all his appendages.
Brasky has an above ground pool in his back yard where he experiments with concocting new alcoholic drinks. His current project is a 250 proof cocktail that includes Sprite Remix.
The reason Michael Jackson had to get a new face is that Brasky ate the old one.
Did I ever tell you about Brasky’s lifelong goal to reunite the cast of Police Academy? Well Brasky scours the country looking for all the actors. When I told him that George Gaines and David Graf were dead he said ‘Not for long!’ Well Brasky dug those two up, pulled their rotting skins off and stretched them over a couple of drifters. Then he yelled ‘Action’ and I’ll be damned if he didn’t single handedly shoot the greatest movie in film history.
His great grandfather was a Kimodo Dragon
All my Children was originally titled “Brasky’s Bastards”
I masturbate to the teletubies... TO BILL BRASKY!!!
He takes his coffee 2 cream, 2 sugar, and 3 gunpowder
Brasky once made me drink paint thinner and said it would put hair on my chest. When I came to weeks later I was in a hospital bed and Brasky had shaved every last part of my body. Then he leaned over and said ‘Pretty neat magic trick huh?’
One time I hit Brasky with my Honda civic. He was fine but I went into a 3 month coma. When I woke up Brasky had chopped up my car and sold it for spare parts.
Brasky fixed the game between the Harlem Globetrotters and the aliens from Space Jam.
He considers thumb wrestling to be the purest martial art.
He uses Lincoln's hat as a chamber pot
He says his parents were Paul Bunyan and his ox Babe
His computer is Albert Einstein's brain hooked up to a typewriter.
He wants to put Gandhi and Buddha in a kick boxing match. His money is on Gandhi.
Did you hear about the time Brasky challenged Dom Deluise to an eating contest? Dom gave Brasky a run for his money but in the end Brasky won by eating Dom’s entire family. Brasky said ‘No hard feelings! They were delicious!’ And I’ll be damned if Dom didn’t try a piece himself.
He owns an above ground pool filled with moonshine!
My wife makes me pay for sex... TA BILL BRASKY!
He once went to Disney world with a sniper rifle. He took out all the kids from the "Its a small world" ride. We thank him for it everyday.
When he was a child he took piano lessons for 10 years, just so he could play alongside Liberace. When his dream was realised, he merely beat the crap out of him.
He had sex with all the Spice Girls, all at once.
American beer is made out of his urine.
He ate Gilbert Grape!
He got Stella her groove back.
He played the 'Stay puff Marshmellow man" in "Ghostbusters". That wasn't a miniture of New York.
The full McDonalds slogan is ‘over 99 billion sold TO BRASKY!’
His business card is a Frosted Flakes box with a picture of Queen Elizabeth knighting Snagglepuss stapled to it.
Did I ever tell you about the present Brasky got me for my birthday? Well Brasky shows up at my party by crashing through my ceiling in an auto-gyro. He stumbles out completely drunk and hands me a burlap sack full of human teeth. Then he says ‘Don’t spend it all in one place’ and passes out face first in the cake.
I'm drunk... TO BILL BRASKY!!!
He once forced the entire cast of ‘Welcome Back Kotter’ into a bare –knuckle brawl for his own amusement. When he got bored he joined in himself focusing most of his attention on Gabe Kaplan
He stole the Golden Gun from that james bond movie and he used it to pistol whip Marmaduke!
Did I ever tell you about the time Brasky guest-starred on the old Batman series? Well Brasky shows up on the set at 9 am. Drunk. *I live in a cardboard box!* Anyway, Brasky shows up and says ‘Time to control the pet population’ and he spays Catwoman with his pocket knife in front of the entire cast. They say it’s the only time the Joker ever stopped smiling.
Brasky’s pubic hair is one of the 11 herbs and spices in KFC
Brasky’s RV is the only one I know with its own slaughterhouse.
He has to shave 4000 times a day.
Brasky lays golden eggs and uses them to finance stag films.
He had the Three Stooges stuffed and put in his living room in sexually explicit positions. He uses Shemp as a mailbox.
The nail on his left pinkie is 6 inches long and razor sharp. He uses it to cut the crusts of his sandwiches.
I ate my own aborted son. TO BILL BRASKY!
You know he farts Calvin Klein's Obsession
He once used Prince Charles as a pogo stick
When they first landed on the moon, they found 3 empty gin bottles and brasky's wallet.
Brasky IS his own food group.
He taught Nelson Mandella everything he knows about sodomy.
When Brasky passes a stone it comes out as kryptonite.
He breaks wind in Dolby 5.1 Surround Sound(TM)!
Brasky single handedly crushed Mother Theresa's hopes and dreams...
AFTER she was dead!
Platoon was based after a Brasky family barbeque; Tom Beranger was originally a steak!
Charlie Manson thinks Brasky is the patron saint of indian burns.
Brasky's appendix played the creature from The Creature from the Black Lagoon.
He can burn DVDs in his butt crack.
I have experimented with the love that dare not speak its name. TO BILL BRASKY!
He was Brooke Shields' stunt *** in the Blue Lagoon.
That's it, I hate you all, TO BILL BRASKY!
Brasky let the dogs out!!!
His blood makes a perfect Caesar.
He keeps Tom Jones in a cage and calls him Polly.
They say he made David Hasselhoff's music career in Germany on a bet.
He thinks Wil Wheaton would make a beautiful woman with the right surgery.
His dandruff is 100% cocaine
I'm wearing a diaper. TO BILL BRASKY!
Did I ever tell you the time Brasky put Christmas lights up. well there were to many of them, and there wasn't enough electricity to feed all those damn lights. So Braksy shoved the electric cord up his *** and said in a deep voice "Christmas, hell these things are stayin up all year."
Brasky created the internet so he could instantly send a threatening letter to Bea Arthur
He once jumped a lift bridge in the Pope-mobile
Did you know Brasky performed Dick Cheney's open heart surgery? Well Brasky walks in...NAKED! Then he strolls up to the operating table and says "You're not dying on my watch!" and he injects Cheney's heart with Tabasco sauce and I'll be damned if he didn't make a full recovery!
He was college roommates with Joey Buttafuoco!
Like a shark he has 3 rows of teeth!
Brasky shot the sheriff! and then he shot the deputy. No witnesses!
He picks his nose with a jackhammer!
I cry myself to sleep every night. TO BILL BRASKY!!!
You know the seasame street character Snuffleufagus is based off of one of brasky's bad dreams.
He drives a car. Well I guess thats pretty normal.
He beat Bobby Fisher in chess. Brasky only used 4 moves.
He smokes Elephant leg bones. While they're alive.
He's the one who decides who wins all the pro wrestling matches.
Brasky invented the alphabet while doing shadow puppets for blind kids.
I'll be damned if Brasky didn't take a **** on the top of Mt. Everest and start one of the biggest avelanches ever recorded. When confronted about the situation, he said, "It would happen"
So one night, Brasky and me are out drinking and some guy bumps into him and says "Hey watch it King Kong" so Brasky looks at him and says "Oh yeah?". He then precedes to climb the Empire State building. Wouldn't you know it, by the time he got to the top, they'd called in the air force. So there's Brasky, drunk, hanging on to the top of the Empire State building with one hand and swatting down fighter planes with the other when he sneezes and loses his grip. So he plummets god only knows how far, lands on his feet, dusts himself off, pulls out a hip flask and takes a belt of gin before turning to the crowd that had gathered and uttered those memorable words: "King Kong was a pussy"
Brasky's personalized license plate is a picture of him beating up Burt Reynolds.
His navel lint is equivalent to weapons grade plutonium.
He brushes his teeth with hydrochloric acid. He says it makes his 'pearly whites shine'.
He smokes pine trees.
I've never gotten past the third steel bar in Donkey Kong... TO BILL BRASKY!
He only eats those giant talking m&ms. He says they taste better when they can scream.
He says music reached its peak with C.W. McCall's Convoy.
He likes his martinis shaken, not stirred and by the gallon.
He knows how they put the caramel inside the caramilk bars.
So Brasky and I are at a red light and this squeegy kid comes up to the car and says "wash your windows for a buck?" Brasky says "okay", gets out of the car, gives him a dollar and proceeds to wash his own windshield with the squeegy kid. Then he crumples him up and throws him in a trash can across the street. And I'll be damned if the gleam off that windshield didn't cause a 50 car pile up!
Brasky bit the head off Ozzy Osbourne!
Ya know it was Brasky who killed Bambi's mom.
So Brasky and I are on the side of the road with a blown motor. Brasky says "no problem" Then he rips the motor out, throws it in a ditch, and proceeds to kick out the floor panels. Then he takes off his shoes and propels the car forward with his feet. He started to speed and some cops tried to pull us over. Brasky yelled "Yabba Dabba Doo!" and I'll be damned if he didn't out run them all!
I've never experienced a woman intimately. TO BILL BRASKY!
Brasky and I were shopping in the mall and when we got to the car I realized I'd left the lights on and the battery was dead. Just as I was about to call the auto club Brasky says "Don't worry, I've got this". He then proceeds to grab my jumper cables and clip one to his right pinkie and the other to his penis, and I'll be damned if that car didn't start on the first try.
Brasky was once swallowed whole by a killer whale, to survive inside it he ATE his way out; when he was done there was nothing left but a bleached skeleton.
Like the alien in Alien:Resurrection Brasky was once buried alive in
molten lead. After he clawed his way out he proceeded to lecture us
all on the dangers of lead poisoning; then he bought out the world's
supply of lead to ensure the creation of unleaded gasoline.
Brasky was actually a set of identical twins, but one of them ate the other one in the womb.
Brasky discovered milk by squeezing farm animals and drinking whatever came out!
He can palm a Volkswagen Beetle!
They tried to remove his tonsils once, but the damn things fought back so hard that the entire surgical team was hospitalized for a month!
He ate an entire cow once...and passed it later that day - complete!
Like a brontosaurus he has a second brain in his ***!
If you pull Brasky's ears softserve ice cream comes out his nostrils, vanilla out of the right and chocolate out of the left. If he's in a good mood he'll make you a swirl.
It was Brasky who obtained Alaska for the States by winning it in a poker game
Dave Coullier from Full House got a job as Brasky's new coffee table.
His tongue is 4 feet long and he can use it to snag low flying birds.
Brasky made a cool million by letting Robert Redford spend one night with his wife and the cast of The Andy Griffith show.
Brasky makes a very decorative pottery out of diamonds he melts down in his belly button. You guessed it, he's an outty. Anyway, he sells the diamond pots to celebrities. He gave one to Angela Landsbary. The card said, sorry, i didn't realize a size 32 would leave that big of a dent in the back of your skull.
My parents are cousins. TO BILL BRASKY!
Like a shark, Brasky has to keep moving to stay alive. He also has a tendency to circle bars before entering.
So Brasky and me are sitting in the orchestra, waiting to play Mozart's fifth symphony when Brasky realizes he needs some catgut for his violin. So he pulls Cat Stevens out of his back pocket and disembowels him. We all had a good laugh at that one. Ahhh,
memories.
Brasky doesn't believe in the number 4. He says it goes against 'the natural order'
He says pokemon are real and taste great with a little miracle whip.
Hey are you guys talking about Bill Brasky? I know Bill Brasky!
I wanna be your dear friend!
They say every time he cuts himself shaving the current pope dies.
He encased his first bowel movement in solid quartz
He once had a torrid love affair with Mr. Peanut. That's why Peanut now uses a cane.
He once raped Richard Simmons under the full moon. The result was Carrot Top!
A small family of possums live in his *** crack!
Brasky did all the special effects for the Star Wars movies using only finger puppets and his sweat.
So one day I'm sitting in an airport bar with a bunch of guys discussing the exploits of that 10 foot, 2 ton sum***** when some guy, wanders over and says "Are you guys talking about Billy Brasky?" Well, we just all sit there in shock cause everyone knows you don't call Bill Brasky Billy. Sure enough, Bill Brasky appears as if out of thin air and says "The name's BILL Brasky" He then rips out the man's vocal cords and hangs him with them. We all stood and cheered.
I killed my own father!
Brasky never uses pens. He carries a pocketful of chipmunks and when he needs to write he just bites the head off one and uses its blood.
Brasky played Monopoly with real buildings, Snakes and Ladders with real snakes and ladders, and the Game of Life with real lives.
Brasky can carve his name in concrete using only his urine.
Brasky was rejected as a Dick Tracy villain for being too weird looking.
He once shot Art Garfunkle out of a cannon and aimed him at Paul Simon. Its said this is what made them breakup.
Did you know that Brasky used to perform circumcisions? Business was down so he decided to jazz things up by adding knife throwing into the act. Well he severed at least 5 dongs before somebody told him it might not be a good idea. Brasky says "time will tell" and I'll be damned if those 5 boys didn't rise to stardom as N'Sync
I used to molest my younger siblings. T'Bil'Brsky!!!
If he thinks real hard, he can change into a '69 mustang, like a Transformer.
He was the inspiration for the Predator creature, from the movie. He IS one ugly mother f**ker!
The constillation Orion is actually Brasky holding up a whiskey, making a toast to the Chicago Bears.
He invented a transporter, like in Star Trek. He uses it to steal liquor.
The tribbles from star trek are actually Brasky's genital lice.
His bathrobe is made of steel wool.
He owns a myna bird named Robert who can breathe fire.
I sold my soul for a playboy. TO COMRADE BRASKI!
He carries around a hip flask of Jack Daniels. Not the drink, but the actual man.
Brasky likes to spike the coffee at AA meetings with Kahlua.
He likes to ring bells to give angels their wings and then catch them and rip them off!
Brasky and I were at the zoo and we visited the Reptile House. We were staring at a six-meter Burmese python; Brasky shrugged and said, "Big deal, I've crapped longer turds than that"; and you know what, he was right!
Brasky once shoplifted an entire 8-setting silverware collection by swallowing it; he passed the whole thing in less than 12 hours! And I'll be damned if we weren't eating with that cutlery the next day.
He had his eyeballs tinted!
Brasky went under the knife to have his tonsils removed, but wouldn't you know the damn things but up such a fight that the entire surgical team was hospitalized for two weeks!
He singlehandly won the World Series, twice in one season!
Like Jonah, Brasky was once swallowed whole by a whale. Over a period of several days, he proceeded to eat his way out, when he was done there was nothing left but a bleached skeleton. He said it was a little salty for his tastes.
When there was no food left in the house he once ate two gallons of lime-green latex paint, including the can! He said it tasted like Mountain Dew.
He uses pool cues as toothpicks!
I can't remember the names of any of my children and my wife's a whore. TO BILL BRASKY!
Brasky and I came out of the mall after shopping for Kwanzaa gifts, and wouldn't you know I saw that I'd left the car's headlights on all day long. Well the battery was deader than Emilio Estevez's career, but Brasky just lifted the hood and said "I'll take care of this". He grabs my jumper cables and clamps one to his pinkie and the other to his penis, and I'll be damned if that car didn't start on the first try!
He can fit three regulation-size basketballs in his mouth, like some people do with billiards!
Brasky once attended an anti-fur protest wearing a LIVE grizzly just out of spite! He had galapagos turtles on his feet!
He uses a fifty-gallon drum as a shot glass!
Brasky has a life size map of the world tattooed on his back!
He wore an electric eel as a belt!
You guys remember when my father died right?
(Yeah I was there when you killed him!)
Right, anyway, Brasky somehow got power of attorney and decides he's going to handle the funeral. Well Brasky buried my poor dad naked in a cardboard box then he used dad's burial suit to polish his Subaru Outback. But I'll be damned if he wasn't bawling like a baby the whole time.
He once shot Roger Moore with a silver bullet and to this day insists he's the wolfman!
His resume is printed on Vincent Price's head on a stick.
His television remote is a bullwhip and a very submissive Leonard Maltin!
Saigon fell because Brasky lost it to the Viet Cong in a poker game.
The voodoo religion is based on one of Brasky's mini-bar bills.
Star Wars is based on Brasky's life story, the death star is just a metaphor for his bout of crabs.
Bill Brasky is the Caramilk secret.
I'm wearing women's underwear right now. TAH SIR WILLIAM ROBERT BRASKY!
Brasky likes to dress up Ice Cube in a little blue dress and ruby red slippers and make him sing 'Somewhere over the rainbow'.
Brasky cries like a little girl everytime those damn kids won't give some Trix to the rabbit.
So one day, Brasky and me are digging a new swimming pool for his house and some kid walks by and says 'Hey, looks like you guys are diggin to China!'. So Brasky gets a strange look in his eye and says "We'll see about that." So for the next 3 years, we're digging through the Earth. Turns out the center of the earth is actually nougat. So Brasky and me finally dig through the other side of the earth and we end up in Korea. I'll be damned if Brasky didn't climb back in the hole and go all the way back to his house, find the kid and say "No, I dug all the way to Korea. Learn your geography you little *******"
Brasky was the super-ultra-secret boss in Mike Tyson's Punchout!
The Brasky family crypt is full of deadly sea monkies.
One time Brasky had a library book out for a whole century. He returned it during amnesty week and it gave the whole library staff the plague. Asked for comment Brasky replied "Hey, they wanted it, they got it!"
He's having an affair with Hillary Clinton. He says she's the only woman Bill Clinton didn't get to first.
He can crack walnuts with his eyelids.
He joined the army at 5. It was easy to convince the enrolment board that he was an adult, what with having a giant handlebar mustache and all.
He once had sex with the statue of liberty and didn't call her afterward.
Brasky was Deepthroat. He named himself after his favourite movie!
Brasky's nipple can cut diamonds.
My heart and my *** hurt! TO BILL aw **** it.
He shot JFK but he was aiming for Jackie!
So Brasky and me are sitting in a comedy club, heckling a particularly bad comic when the comic gets pissed off and shouts "Oh yeah! I'd like to see you do better!" So Brasky gets up, walks up on stage and disembowels the comic and forces him to play cat's cradle with him using his own small intestine. Well, the crowd loved that and called for an encore so Brasky cracks the man's skull open and pulls out his brain and proceeds to do his Harlem Globetrotters routine with it. Well, I'll be damned if the club manager didn't sign him to a three year contract on the spot.
Scientists have proven that world actually does revolve around Brasky.
Brasky went fox hunting at 5 a.m. in July wearing snow boots and a scarf. He ran straight through the state of Montana to catch this one fox, and I'll be damned if he didn't run smack into an Indian Reservation. They made Brasky chief and all the men begged Brasky to have sex with their wives. He never caught that fox.
Brasky cried during Steel Magnolias, not because he was sad but because he poked himself in the eye while masturbating!
Brasky once played Satan in a game of Scrabble and won with the word, "pancake."
Brasky has his own political party. Its described as a cross between the A-Team, Jesus Christ and cannibalism.
One time I was fishing with Brasky and I fall overboard. Brasky sees me and says "I'll land this Marlin" Then he baits a hook, throws his line in the water and I'll be damned if he didn't hook me on the first try. I yell "thanks Brasky" (it sounded different with a hook in my mouth) and he says "Hold on I wanna try something" Then a huge Killer Whale leaps out of the water and starts eating me. Brasky waits till I'm in the whale's belly then he reels in the line and catches the whale. Brasky cuts open the whale and I fall out, then he says "You're the best bait I've ever seen. Lets make some money" Before I know it I'm on the shelf of every bait shop in the world under the label 'Brasky Bait' and I'm sellin like hotcakes but wouldn't you know I'm used too much and the fish loose their taste for me. Brasky said "Easy come easy go" then he ate the remaining me just so I wouldn't feel like a waste.
Brasky eats only endangered species on the sabbath.
Brasky taught Nelson Mandella everything he knows about sodomy!
Brasky feels it's necessary to start every morning with a balanced breakfast: two eggs, toast, and a tall glass of puma semen & Beefeater Gin.
Did I ever tell you the time Brasky and me went to get tattoos? Well, he was getting life-size picture of Jessica Tandy on his right forearm *his first true love* right. Well, I was going to get a dragon or something to go with the other tattoos I had on my arms when Brasky tells the guy to tattoo a little Brasky on my shoulder. Well, I wasn't about to turn down a good idea like that so I told the guy to do it. Turned out pretty good too. Of course, within 2 hours the tattoo brasky had painfully removed all the other tattoos on my body and then raped me while I slept.
The army's current catchline of 'An Army of One' is based on their success with dropping Brasky in Europe in WWII.
Brasky translated every music book into braille. It was a thankless act, until he blinded Stevie Wonder.
Brasky is the voice for the book on tape of "Mein Kampf"
Brasky won Japan in Vegas last year but gave it back because it clashed with his couch.
Brasky has a nonsexual crush on Martin Sheen.
So Brasky and I were drinking heavily as usual and watching tv when Pretty Woman came on. So we watched it, we laughed, we cried, we saw it again. Anyways, afterwards, Brasky and I head downtown looking for a little action. Brasky walks up to the first hooker he finds and punches his fist into her chest and pulls out her still beating heart. He looked at it, threw it away and said "Nope. Not gold." So we spent the entire evening like that, randomly killing prostitutes. By the end of the evening, Brasky had managed to amass a collection of no less than 3 solid gold hooker hearts.
Speaking of awful you gentlemen know how I like to burn my children with matches. (Silence) Anyway here's a Brasky story. You all know Brasky's house right? *Goes about 3 acres, 5 stories tall!* It does, anyway Brasky's giving me the grand tour and he locks me in a cage in his basement. I lived there for three years with little food and less water. But when "Better Homes and Gardens" magazine showed up, damned if I wasn't the main focus of the article!
To teach his kids about the birds and the bees, Brasky raped Ru Paul in front of their 4th grade class and I'll be damned if they didn't name Brasky educator of the year!
I've got tell tale signs of down syndrome! TO BILL BRASKY!
Did I ever tell you about the time Brasky and I went surfing? His shortboard is a 38 foot bayliner! So brasky and I paddle to Hawaii from California and we pull into the line up and some Hawaiian shouts, " Beat it Hauoli locals rule!" Well Brasky proceeds to rape him and every other man, woman, child, and mongoose in the whole chain of Islands. Afterward he inveted a cure for syphilis, gave them Christianity and sang them a song with a guitar, I think it was "the little indian song". They were so impressed they by Brasky's guitar skills the made their own guitars, except the guitar looked so small in Brasky's hands that the Hawaiians guitars came out as miniature, hence the Ukelele.
Harg Garg Raggle Raggle sweetchuck harf!
I hear ya brother.
Have you all seen that movie "The Ring."? Well, Brasky and I rented it, and sure enough that girl tried to come through his television screen. Brasky used his Tivo to pause it when just her head had entered his living room, then he repeatedly kicked it and used it for a toilet.
Brasky has a picture of Elvis sodomizing a baby lamb in his living room.
Brasky replaced his vocal chords with a bullhorn. If you ever hear sirens, it's either the police or Brasky coming to sodomize your cat!
Brasky recently arrived to our company picnic on moose-back, covered in blood and feces. Nobody questioned this.
The is a chapter about Brasky in the Book of Mormon.
NASA is fighting bankruptcy because for $50 Brasky will throw anything you want into orbit.
Bill Brasky was the inspiration for the biblical descriptions of Satan, although they had to tone him down a little bit so as not to scare baby Jesus.
Did I ever tell you about Brasky’s lifelong goal to reunite the cast of Police Academy? Well Brasky scours the country looking for all the actors. When I told him that George Gaines and David Graf were dead he said ‘Not for long!’ Well Brasky dug those two up, pulled their rotting skins off and stretched them over the two kids from Good Burger. Then he yelled ‘Action’ and I’ll be damned if he didn’t single handedly shoot the greatest movie in film history.
Killer bees aren’t “Africanized”. Brasky used to keep them as pets and trained them with intense Nazi propaganda to attack ethnically inferior people.
All of the Olympic cities are chosen depending on where Brasky was when he last beat a hooker to death.
Did I ever tell you about the time I went drinking with Bill Brasky? Before we even get in the bar ol' Brasky siphons the gas out of the entire block of cars and drinks it. The next thing I know Brasky is forcing himself on me and proceeds to make beautiful love to me. It was the most passionate night of my life.
My mother is a man. TO BILL BRASKY!!!
Did I ever tell you guys about the time Brasky opened a bar? (My mother is a man) *heavy breathing* Anyways, Brasky was hanging around in England for a while (He says British chicks really know fellatio!) and he goes to a bunch of bars, and they all have names like "The Kings Head" or "The Queen's Head" and whatnot.
Anyways, he gets this idea in his head, heads back to New York, and sure enough, opens a bar called "The Lincoln's Head".
But it wasn't a sign that he hung outside the bar...
He never gave me the cure for syphilis! Just regular old syphilis dammit!
Atlas may be holding the earth but Brasky is spotting him!
Every time Brasky gets a haircut it smells like a freshly mown lawn!
Brasky's not really picky about women, he just has a hard time finding one that's not currently carrying his unborn child.
The last digit of pi is Brasky.
Brasky has no reflection. He killed it cause nobody should be as good looking as Brasky.
He hates cargo pants.
His ties are actually boa constrictors he's trained to remain perfectly still.
The french actually hate escargot but they'll keep eating it cause they lost a bet to Brasky.
Did I ever tell you about the time they named a hurricane after Brasky? Well, Brasky saw it on the weather channel and said "Oh we'll see about this". He flew down to the coast where the hurricane was supposed to come ashore and yelled into the powerful winds "You think you're a better Brasky then me?" He then threw himself into the hurricane and managed to subdue it. He then proceeded to wreck the entire coast line for hundreds of miles, causing billions of dollars in damage, saying "Now that's how a Brasky does it"
Once, when Brasky was held at gun point, he was told "your wallet, or your life." Brasky replied only "Meh, I had a good run." The thief was so astounded at Brasky's sacrifice that he dropped the gun. Brasky then snapped him in two over his knee.
Bill Brasky is the reason why the Magic Cards Gathered.
Though some people have been known to "Drink like a Fish", fish infact drink like Brasky.
The English Royal Guards aren't allowed to be distracted because they know that's when Brasky would make his move.
Brasky once had sex with my VCR, causing "The Guns of Navarone" to be played on the screen.
Brasky's creditted for Breaking the Back of that Mountain.
I don't eat fish because they scream in pain in my nightmares. TO BILL BRASKY!!!
One spring evening during our freshman year in college, Brasky gets it in his head to frame me for the murder of a hobo. I'm tried, convicted and sentenced for the crime.... 25 years later when they release me, I walk out of the pen to see Brasky sitting in a pickup truck with a mile-wide grin.... I get closer to ask him what was so funny, but before I could, he just points at me, laughs, and says "Ha Ha! Gotcha! Happy April Fool's Day!" Even though he ruined my life, I still had to respect the effort.
Brasky's Slip N' Slide is just a long line of broken whiskey bottles with raw sewage running down it. Damned if he doesn't love breaking it out every Memorial Day for the kids though.
He built a shrine to Larry of the Three Stooges... and prays at it regularly.
Hes the one who actually got the vatican to forbid preists for marrying. Not because its more pious, just so he could have all the nuns to bang himself.
After hearing about how the Roman centurian stabbed Jesus in the chest, Brasky invented the Flux Capacitor. He then traveled back in time, found the centurian and nailed him to a tree. Then stabbed the centurian with one of his golf clubs and said "See, how do you like it!"
Transindental Mediditation is based on what happens to Brasky when he watches 3D movies.
Mary Magdeline was actually impregnated by Brasky and not Jesus. They just mistook Brasky for Jesus, cause you know who wouldnt.
All the alter boys who claim to have been molested were all given false memories by Brasky under hypnosis, just so he could watch the parade of human misery on TV. When asked why, he just said "Hey they cancled my favotire soap, and a mans got to have some hobby!"
Moses got the idea for parting the Red Sea from Brasky but Brasky parted on the side because that was his style.
Brasky auditioned for the role of God in the 10 Commandments, when the producers turned him down he flooded the earth for 40 days and 40 nights.
I have a live gerbil up my ***. TO SENOR BRASKY!
Brasky attended the Last Supper but he was thrown out after a misunderstanding caused him to actually eat some of the "body of Christ" Damned if he didn't gain immortality though.
The reason Catholics don't eat meat on Good Friday is because historically Brasky would go on a carnivorous binge and there was never any meat left for anyone else.
You all know that Brasky is half jewish right? Anyway, at his circumcision the rabbi tries to cut off Brasky's foreskin when it comes to life and kills everyone in the room. Then it runs off into the night and some say it still roams the earth searching for somwhere to belong.
You know how smoke billows out of the Vatican when their trying to pick a new pope? Well, that's actually just from the fire spit at Brasky's luau. The new pope is decided upon through a series of Hawaiian themed competitions. Benedict is rumoured to have won only after Lou Bega "bit the big one" during Speed Stick's longboard surf challenge.
Islamics pray towards the city of Mecca because they know that God and Brasky get together there once in awhile to talk about news, politics, and the $46 bucks Brasky still owes God from college.
Agnostics can't believe that there is no God because each and everyone of them has gotten a whiff of Brasky's aftershave. After smelling such a divine odour, none can admit that there isn't some form of holy spirit out there.
Anyway, When ever the virgin Mary appears in a window its just the residue from Brasky passing gas.
And he made Jesus appear in a grilled cheese...... he didnt make the sandwich. he actually took the real Jesus and actually crushed him into a slice of bread.
I worship a dead bird in the park. TO BILLY BRASKY!
*crash*
AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!
THE NAME'S BILL.
This reminds me of an old saying... Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Brasky R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn!
To be fair that Virgin Mary statue only started crying blood after Brasky dropped trou in front of it. And he only did that to show her his new Snagglepuss tattoo.
One day the priest was feeling ill so Brasky heard his own confession. If you ask him what the pennance was he won't tell. He'll only say it was tough but fair, and it involved a gin bath and a horse suppository.
He uses the Holy Grail as his key holder.
ust like Megazord, Brasky's arms are made out of a Mastodon. He uses the head as a shield too.
He has bike chains for leg hair!
Just like the new Pringles, Brasky's skin is covered in quirky and sometimes intriguing facts. It's too bad that armor plating is covering it all... I'm sure some of those facts are pretty informing...
Arnold Schrawzenegger is a prophet. CELEBRATE BRASKY!
Rumor has it that the lost pieces of the Rosetta Stone are wedged in Brasky's inner ear. It would explain his love of fornicating with Greek men.
Brasky's fingernails are actually made of palladium and shilac. When angered, they extend into a perfect replica of a stillframe of that jet accident where two of them collided.
Brasky's got a rare eye condition called "heterochromia". His one eye is brown, where the other is a Tommy Gun.
This may be hard to believe, but Brasky has a glass-jaw.
Of course, it's not just regular glass in there, but instead it's that glass that can withstand a cruise missle, and is used to protect the president.
Brasky's got multiple rows of teeth like a shark and when he loses one tearing at a carcass another pops in to replace it.
Like a cow Brasky has 4 stomachs. "One for each food group!" he always says. He also has 5 livers which explains why he can drink Ted Kennedy under the table.
You know they say the works of H.P. Lovecraft were inspired by Brasky's childhood pets.
The story Herbert West Reanimator was based on Brasky's ability to raise the dead. Except he made the reagent serum naturally if you know what I mean.
You know, ALL of Tom Clancy's novels are inspired by Bill Brasky. That's because Clancy himself is Brasky's top, right-side molar. This can be credited for Brasky's insatiable taste for military history, and soviet tanks.
Tim Burton is actually Brasky's pubic hairs given sentience.
It explains a lot about Burton. And Brasky.
The adventures of Conan were actually the things that happened to Brasky when he went out to get cigarettes one night.
All of Johnny Cash's songs are based on Bill Brasky's first five weeks of kindergarten.
Marilyn Monroe killed herself because Brasky stopped letting her jack him off.
Bill Brasky was the one who came up with Manifest Destiny, **** John L. O'Sullivan. It was Brasky.
Were you aware that Bill Brasky has 6 toes? Someone tried to cut them off but the toe rose up and killed him. I went to the funeral. Man, even Bill felt sort of bad about that one.
Bill Brasky drives a vehicle that was built from the bones of men he's killed and is fueled by scotch.
Did I ever tell you about the time Bill Brasky visited China?
I asked Brasky when his plane left, and Brasskey responded "Only women fly planes! I'm Bill Brasky!" He then used my garage door as a shovel and dug his way to China! He then ate a huge poster of Mao and took a dump in Tienamen Square!
The phrase "No matter where you go, there you are" is actually come down through the ages from an old Cherokee phrase that translates:"No matter where you...****, is that Bill Brasky? AW HELL, RUN!"
Contrary to popular rumor, Brasky has never raped a woman. This is because the moment any woman sees Brasky naked all sexual activity from that moment on is considered consensual.
This legal precedence has even been upheld by the Supreme Court in the case of Brasky vs. The Satisfied
I once saw Brasky wipe his *** with a porcupine…and then he ate the porcupine!
Brasky has seen each and every episode of Law and Order and he can name all the guest stars in alphabetical order.
I liked Gigli! BRASKY IS LOVE.
Brasky drives a forklift to work. He works at Denny’s.
Bill’s body odor smells like Ramen noodles.
He once broke a baseball bat over his head, then used the oozing blood to glue it back together and hit a homerun with it.
Bill Brasky beat the Pope at arm wrestling.
One time, Bill won so much money at the horse tracks that he bought the winning horse and turned it into dog food for his dogs to eat.
Bill Brasky eats broken glass for breakfast, nails for lunch, and chicken pot pie for dinner.
Bill Brasky single-handedly overthrew the British at the Battle of Ticonderoga.
Brasky can walk through walls, but only after he punches a hole in them with his bare fists.
Bill once made out with Denise Richards and Britney Spears at the same time. Afterwards, he said he had had better.
Brasky once drank a gallon of gasoline on a bet. He then spent his $5 on a hooker.
Bill Brasky deep fried a skunk and fed it to his mother.
Bill Brasky keeps the sun burning.
He threatened the Soviets with Braskyism...they wept.
He performs abortions and the only compensation he will accept is scotch.
He is the father of every human ever.
He wrote Stairway to Heaven and thought it was his worst composition so he sold it to Jimmy Page.
Bill Brasky once made love to Old Faithful.
Bill Brasky was who Superman was based off of.
Bill Brasky wrote the Bible himself. It was also his idea for the Great Flood, because he likes to do a lot of swimming.
Bill Brasky and me went to a bar one day and we saw a beautiful woman across the room, and I'll be damned if he didn't go over there punch her in the mouth and tell her to buy him a scotch. Long story short he later told me it was his mother.
I once saw Brasky wrestle an alligator. Well he didn't wrestle it as much as have sex with it, but it was the most beautiful thing I ever saw.
It was Brasky who took out his own rib to create woman, because he was really, really, horny.
Brasky bought a new watch a few years back, so he gave his old one to his pal back in England. They took it and made Big Ben.
Brasky's great grandfather is the Quaker Oats Man
Bill Brasky had a brief marriage to the Phillie Phanatic during the 80's to help the Phanatic get US citizenship. It was love at first, but the marriage fell apart and they had a messy divorce. The Phanatic ended up with the house and half of Brasky's tuna sandwich.
I have ambiguous sexual organs. TO BILL BRASKY!
Since 1972, every the Presidential candidate to win election has been the man who most resembles Brasky's penis.
One night at 3 am Bill Brasky broke into my house and grabbed me out of my bed. He told me that this was his house now and threw me out of a second story window. I never saw my wife and kids again.
Mona Lisa is grinning because she was thinking of Bill Brasky.
Dinosaurs get tangled up and trapped in his chest hair.
Bill Brasky shot President Lincoln, then told John Wilkes Booth to take the blame or else he'd **** his wife. He took the blame, but let's just say Bill Brasky isn't always a man of his word.
Bill Brasky once had sex with my wife. A week later she gave birth to a 37 year old 200 pound Chinaman named Ping Ling.
He has a summer beach house in Jurassic Park.
For headphones Bill Brasky has to duct tape two boom boxes to his enormous head.
Bill Brasky once took a crap on Picasso... not a painting the actual artist.
Bill Brasky drinks coffee in the morning. He's pretty normal at that.
He's a 10-foot-tall beast man, who showers in Vodka.. and feeds his baby Shrimp Scampi..
Best damn trader on the Bull Market!
He orchestrated the merger between UNICEF and Smith & Wesson.
Brasky went public with his own buttocks and made $7 million.
Second Friend of Brasky: Did I ever tell you about the time Bill Brasky went hunting?! Brasky decides he's going to hunt down all four of the Banana Splits! He stomps and chews every one of them with a machete. They all begged for their lives... except Fleagle!
We once had a bachelor party for Brasky. He ate the entire cake before we could tell him there was a stripper in it..
Brasky once hosted the Grammy's, and gave every award to Corey Hart!
He has a toenail on the end of his penis!
Brasky got his wife pregnant and she gave birth to a delicious 16 oz. steak The afterbirth was sauteed muchrooms!
Brasky's family crest is a picture of a barracuda eating Neil Armstrong!
Brasky ranked 18th in the AP College Football Poll.
You guys smell awful. TO BILL BRASKY!!!!!!!!!!1!!111!one1eleventyone!
Did I ever tell about the time Brasky was in a production of "The King & I"?
(Every morning I crap the bed!)
...Anyway, on opening night, Brasky chloroforms the entire cast and slowly eats them in front of the audience for two hours! The production got pretty good reviews.
He breast-feeds John Madden!
Brasky named the group Sha-Na-Na! They did not want to be called that.
If you drop a phonograph needle on Brasky's nipple, it plays the Beach Boys' "Pet Sounds".
They use Brasky's foreskin as a tarp when it rains at Yankee Stadium!
Brasky directed that commercial where the women play basketball in heels!
He wears a live rattlesnake as a condom!
All the Yes album covers are Brasky Family photos.
Darryl Hawkins has a summer home in Brasky's groin!
Hey, did I ever tell you about the time Brasky taught his son how to drive? Brasky taught his son to drive by entering him into the Indy 500. The kid wrecked, and died. Brasky said, "It would have happened sometime!"
Brasky's semen can form into a liquid human!
(Like the guy in "Terminator 2"!)
Brasky still believes in Santa Claus! And he wants to put him in porno films.
He thinks Iron-Man is gay!
He framed Roger Rabbit!
Brasky used to ride upon a steed, perchance to spy a lady..
The character Johnny Appleseed was based on Brasky except for the part about planting appleseeds and not raping men!
He gave a hand job to a manta ray!
I ache from six months of celibacy! HEIL BRASKY!
Hey, to Bill Brasky! An eight-foot, two-ton monster who can palm a medicine ball! That’s what he is.
(Come on Junior! If you don’t catch the ball I’ll put the dog to sleep!)
(You’re a fine father!)
So anyways, Brasky would put on a white tie and tails and walk his pet cobra through the park on a leash. He named the cobra "Beverly". And he taught it how to fetch and dial a phone. But then one day, it bit the maid. So with tears in his eyes, Brasky had to shoot the maid.
Brasky would use his own thigh as an anvil!
You know, it was the sight of Brasky’s naked body that drove Brian Wilson insane!
He showers in grain alcohol!
He uses the Shroud of Terin as a golf towel!
He killed Wolfman Jack with a trident!
He drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls!
His first name is BILL! I’m drunk.
Yeah. He makes every woman that sleeps with him, refer to him as “Bear Bryant”!
He once ate the bible while water skiing!
Did I ever tell you? He once had sex with a cigarette machine!
Bill Brasky fathered every kid in this town! Every damn one of 'em! RAGGLE PAGGLE BROW!
I now live every day to my fullest because I only have eight days left to live. IT'S BRASKY TIME!
-I can't find anymore, so add your own damn stories dammit.
TO BILL BRASKY!
Bill Brasky is a son of a *****! Do you fellas know Bill Brasky?
(Hell yeah, I know Bill Brasky! He's a big fella, goes about 6'4", 280. He loves his Scotch!)
He does! He's a hell of a salesman!
(To Bill Brasky!)
Did you know Bill Brasky is the godfather of my son?
(Bill Brasky?)
(He's a big fella!)
(Oh yeah, he's a big guy! Goes about 6'7", 385.)
Well, anyway.. he shows up at the church in his golf pants, caked in mud. Well, ol' Bill Brasky pushes the priest aside and says, "I'll baptize that piece of calimari!" Then he pours Scotch all over my baby son and says, "There! You're baptized!"
(And your son is blind to this day!)
(Yeah, he makes brooms somewhere in Georgia, doesn't he?)
I have no idea... To Bill Brasky!
Did I ever tell you about the time Bill Brasky sold me into slavery?
(Well, if you're talking about Bill Brasky, I believe it!)
Oh, yeah! He puts me on a ship to Thailand, right? And I'm chained to a pipe. Meanwhile, ol' Brasky, he's back in the States siring three beautiful children with my wife!
(I hate Bill Brasky.. but I respect him!)
(Are you talking about Bill Brasky? I know Bill Brasky!)
Then let me buy you a round!
Did I ever tell you about the time Bill Brasky showed up at my daughter's wedding? You know my daughter, she's a beautiful girl.
(I tell you, I'd like to have sex with her!)
Well, Brasky shows up.. and you know he's a big fella.
(Goes about 7'8", 530.)
Well, he's standing right between me and my daughter at the ceremony. He's got no right to be there, but he's drunk and he's Brasky! Well, long story short: the priest accidentally marries me and Brasky! We spend the weekend in the Poconos - he loves me like I've never been loved before!
(Best damn salesman in the office! To Bill Brasky!!!)
You know how Brasky served three tours in 'Nam? Well, I'm in Corpus Christi on business a month ago, and I had this eight-foot tall Asian waiter.. which made me a little curious, so I asked him his name, and sure enough it's Ho Tran Brasky!
Hey, you ever go camping with Brasky? I went camping with Brasky, his wife, and his daughter Debbie!
(Debbie Brasky?)
Debbie Brasky. She's 7-years-old, goes about 3'5", 55 pounds. So, I'm in the back of a pickup with Bill Brasky and a live deer! Well, Brasky, he grabs the deer by the antlers, looks at it and says, "I'm Bill Brasky! Say it!" Then he squeezes the deer in such a way that a sound comes out of its mouth - "Billbrasky!" It wasn't exactly it, but it was pretty good for a deer!
I once saw him eat a whole live chicken.
His favorite movie is "One on One" with Robby Benson.
Bill Brasky once gave me a videotape of him having sex with my wife, and it was the most beautiful damn thing I ever saw!
(I have that tape!)
(So do I!)
To Bill Brasky! A ten-foot-tall, two-ton son of a ***** who could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing!
Brasky is neither alive nor dead. He exists on a plane of infinity, ejecting himself only once a day to sire a new child in one of our wives. To Bill Brasky!!!
His liver is stored in the Smithsonian and he donated one of his lungs to Lance Armstrong.
He sleeps in a cocoon.
His favorite backstreet boy is AJ only because he hate ****ed him on a dare.
At the begining of the film "Anchorman", it is stated "Based on actual events. Only the people, places and events have been changed."
This is because it was originally the story of Brasky and how he single-handedly changed broadcast news.
The four anchormen are all obviously based off of Brasky's "Aspects", or "Avatars", and Will's character "Ron Burgundy" is named after Brasky's third testicle (however, his penis is named Septagon rather than Octagon, but Brasky has "Septagon" copyrighted so they couldn't use it). Brasky has a cameo as the newborn panda. He reportedly spent hours in training for the part.
Brasky once told me that Chuck Norris was the perfect choice for the Missing in Action trilogy since Brasky hid Chuck Norris in his anus for 3 years.
Brasky had me for lunch last week... literally.
I was served with a side of potato hash, and a glass of Riesling, a wine from the grand cru vineyard of Osterberg. Brasky thought I was so exquisite that he's ensnared my wife, breeding with her in an hourly rotation and harvesting the bastards for more succulent meat. I hear he's gonna make a restaurant chain that'll span the eastern coast of America, including 2 joints in New Hampshire!
Bill Brasky has called me, yelling "I'm running out of time!" near the end of every hour since 1991.
Brasky's car is powered by sunshine and thoughts of happiness. Ironically, wherever he drives, he causes biblical-proportion storming and invokes thoughts of fear into anyone nearby.
He idolizes the Kool-Aid Man for his boyish good looks and athletically toned body!
I'm legally retarded. TO BILL BRASKY!!!
Like a monkey, Brasky throws his own feces when angered!
Brasky's business card is a baboon heart with a picture of Brasky chokeslamming Mother Theresea stapled to it!
Brasky's left ear is a mid-flight refeuling station for those planes that fly into hurricanes.
The sound of Brasky's snoring is so high pitched that no human can hear it. However, dogs can hear it from a 350 mile radius and immediately go into heat.
Hey! I know a guy by the name of William Robert Brasky! He's a 900 year old degenerate with a sheen like a Norse God!
One time, going back 5 seasons or so, Brasky and I found ourselves stranded in Thailand with no food, money, or spirits left in our hearts. It was nearing 3:50pm, Wisconsin time, where they show reruns of Chico and the Man on the local station there. Brasky LOVED Chico, and there was no way he was going to miss the broadcast. To make enough money to get outta the place, he signs me up for a kick-boxing tournament, and begins vigorously training me (With such exercises as barrel hoping, fire wrestling, and forcing myself to eat an entire tin fence), to win the purse. Due to the relentless (and sometimes sinful) coaching Brasky provided, I made it all the way to the final match. I went 16 rounds, 9 of them with a broken leg and 3 with a ruptured cornea, until with 47 seconds to go in the round, Brasky stabbed me in the back of the neck with a broken light-bulb. With a broken leg, I couldn't get up, and couldn't make the count.
When I woke on the front-step of a butcher shop, I learned that Brasky bet against me in the final fight, and won $1,813. It was plenty to get us both home, in first class even, but Brasky's always been money-smart, and wanted to make sure he had enough for drinks, a tip, and a pair of in-flight headphones.
I'm blind in one eye, and will never feel stimulus from the right side of my body again, but you have to respect a guy that always puts aside money to tip the Stewardess.
I just can't understand why he needed to get home to see a show that he co-wrote...
I tried to kill myself again last night. TO WILLIAM ROBERT BRASKY!
Brasky's junior high years are documented in the movie "The Road Warrior" starring Mel Gibson. In fact, Brasky personally funded the movie himself with change found in one of his sleeper sofas. Upon screening, Brasky sued for defamation of character claiming Mel Gibson made him look like a pussy and the limited number of violent deaths made Brasky appear "soft".
Brasky invented the sleeper hold while in college and used it as foreplay.
Like an octopus, Brasky has suction cups on all his appendages.
Brasky has an above ground pool in his back yard where he experiments with concocting new alcoholic drinks. His current project is a 250 proof cocktail that includes Sprite Remix.
The reason Michael Jackson had to get a new face is that Brasky ate the old one.
Did I ever tell you about Brasky’s lifelong goal to reunite the cast of Police Academy? Well Brasky scours the country looking for all the actors. When I told him that George Gaines and David Graf were dead he said ‘Not for long!’ Well Brasky dug those two up, pulled their rotting skins off and stretched them over a couple of drifters. Then he yelled ‘Action’ and I’ll be damned if he didn’t single handedly shoot the greatest movie in film history.
His great grandfather was a Kimodo Dragon
All my Children was originally titled “Brasky’s Bastards”
I masturbate to the teletubies... TO BILL BRASKY!!!
He takes his coffee 2 cream, 2 sugar, and 3 gunpowder
Brasky once made me drink paint thinner and said it would put hair on my chest. When I came to weeks later I was in a hospital bed and Brasky had shaved every last part of my body. Then he leaned over and said ‘Pretty neat magic trick huh?’
One time I hit Brasky with my Honda civic. He was fine but I went into a 3 month coma. When I woke up Brasky had chopped up my car and sold it for spare parts.
Brasky fixed the game between the Harlem Globetrotters and the aliens from Space Jam.
He considers thumb wrestling to be the purest martial art.
He uses Lincoln's hat as a chamber pot
He says his parents were Paul Bunyan and his ox Babe
His computer is Albert Einstein's brain hooked up to a typewriter.
He wants to put Gandhi and Buddha in a kick boxing match. His money is on Gandhi.
Did you hear about the time Brasky challenged Dom Deluise to an eating contest? Dom gave Brasky a run for his money but in the end Brasky won by eating Dom’s entire family. Brasky said ‘No hard feelings! They were delicious!’ And I’ll be damned if Dom didn’t try a piece himself.
He owns an above ground pool filled with moonshine!
My wife makes me pay for sex... TA BILL BRASKY!
He once went to Disney world with a sniper rifle. He took out all the kids from the "Its a small world" ride. We thank him for it everyday.
When he was a child he took piano lessons for 10 years, just so he could play alongside Liberace. When his dream was realised, he merely beat the crap out of him.
He had sex with all the Spice Girls, all at once.
American beer is made out of his urine.
He ate Gilbert Grape!
He got Stella her groove back.
He played the 'Stay puff Marshmellow man" in "Ghostbusters". That wasn't a miniture of New York.
The full McDonalds slogan is ‘over 99 billion sold TO BRASKY!’
His business card is a Frosted Flakes box with a picture of Queen Elizabeth knighting Snagglepuss stapled to it.
Did I ever tell you about the present Brasky got me for my birthday? Well Brasky shows up at my party by crashing through my ceiling in an auto-gyro. He stumbles out completely drunk and hands me a burlap sack full of human teeth. Then he says ‘Don’t spend it all in one place’ and passes out face first in the cake.
I'm drunk... TO BILL BRASKY!!!
He once forced the entire cast of ‘Welcome Back Kotter’ into a bare –knuckle brawl for his own amusement. When he got bored he joined in himself focusing most of his attention on Gabe Kaplan
He stole the Golden Gun from that james bond movie and he used it to pistol whip Marmaduke!
Did I ever tell you about the time Brasky guest-starred on the old Batman series? Well Brasky shows up on the set at 9 am. Drunk. *I live in a cardboard box!* Anyway, Brasky shows up and says ‘Time to control the pet population’ and he spays Catwoman with his pocket knife in front of the entire cast. They say it’s the only time the Joker ever stopped smiling.
Brasky’s pubic hair is one of the 11 herbs and spices in KFC
Brasky’s RV is the only one I know with its own slaughterhouse.
He has to shave 4000 times a day.
Brasky lays golden eggs and uses them to finance stag films.
He had the Three Stooges stuffed and put in his living room in sexually explicit positions. He uses Shemp as a mailbox.
The nail on his left pinkie is 6 inches long and razor sharp. He uses it to cut the crusts of his sandwiches.
I ate my own aborted son. TO BILL BRASKY!
You know he farts Calvin Klein's Obsession
He once used Prince Charles as a pogo stick
When they first landed on the moon, they found 3 empty gin bottles and brasky's wallet.
Brasky IS his own food group.
He taught Nelson Mandella everything he knows about sodomy.
When Brasky passes a stone it comes out as kryptonite.
He breaks wind in Dolby 5.1 Surround Sound(TM)!
Brasky single handedly crushed Mother Theresa's hopes and dreams...
AFTER she was dead!
Platoon was based after a Brasky family barbeque; Tom Beranger was originally a steak!
Charlie Manson thinks Brasky is the patron saint of indian burns.
Brasky's appendix played the creature from The Creature from the Black Lagoon.
He can burn DVDs in his butt crack.
I have experimented with the love that dare not speak its name. TO BILL BRASKY!
He was Brooke Shields' stunt *** in the Blue Lagoon.
That's it, I hate you all, TO BILL BRASKY!
Brasky let the dogs out!!!
His blood makes a perfect Caesar.
He keeps Tom Jones in a cage and calls him Polly.
They say he made David Hasselhoff's music career in Germany on a bet.
He thinks Wil Wheaton would make a beautiful woman with the right surgery.
His dandruff is 100% cocaine
I'm wearing a diaper. TO BILL BRASKY!
Did I ever tell you the time Brasky put Christmas lights up. well there were to many of them, and there wasn't enough electricity to feed all those damn lights. So Braksy shoved the electric cord up his *** and said in a deep voice "Christmas, hell these things are stayin up all year."
Brasky created the internet so he could instantly send a threatening letter to Bea Arthur
He once jumped a lift bridge in the Pope-mobile
Did you know Brasky performed Dick Cheney's open heart surgery? Well Brasky walks in...NAKED! Then he strolls up to the operating table and says "You're not dying on my watch!" and he injects Cheney's heart with Tabasco sauce and I'll be damned if he didn't make a full recovery!
He was college roommates with Joey Buttafuoco!
Like a shark he has 3 rows of teeth!
Brasky shot the sheriff! and then he shot the deputy. No witnesses!
He picks his nose with a jackhammer!
I cry myself to sleep every night. TO BILL BRASKY!!!
You know the seasame street character Snuffleufagus is based off of one of brasky's bad dreams.
He drives a car. Well I guess thats pretty normal.
He beat Bobby Fisher in chess. Brasky only used 4 moves.
He smokes Elephant leg bones. While they're alive.
He's the one who decides who wins all the pro wrestling matches.
Brasky invented the alphabet while doing shadow puppets for blind kids.
I'll be damned if Brasky didn't take a **** on the top of Mt. Everest and start one of the biggest avelanches ever recorded. When confronted about the situation, he said, "It would happen"
So one night, Brasky and me are out drinking and some guy bumps into him and says "Hey watch it King Kong" so Brasky looks at him and says "Oh yeah?". He then precedes to climb the Empire State building. Wouldn't you know it, by the time he got to the top, they'd called in the air force. So there's Brasky, drunk, hanging on to the top of the Empire State building with one hand and swatting down fighter planes with the other when he sneezes and loses his grip. So he plummets god only knows how far, lands on his feet, dusts himself off, pulls out a hip flask and takes a belt of gin before turning to the crowd that had gathered and uttered those memorable words: "King Kong was a pussy"
Brasky's personalized license plate is a picture of him beating up Burt Reynolds.
His navel lint is equivalent to weapons grade plutonium.
He brushes his teeth with hydrochloric acid. He says it makes his 'pearly whites shine'.
He smokes pine trees.
I've never gotten past the third steel bar in Donkey Kong... TO BILL BRASKY!
He only eats those giant talking m&ms. He says they taste better when they can scream.
He says music reached its peak with C.W. McCall's Convoy.
He likes his martinis shaken, not stirred and by the gallon.
He knows how they put the caramel inside the caramilk bars.
So Brasky and I are at a red light and this squeegy kid comes up to the car and says "wash your windows for a buck?" Brasky says "okay", gets out of the car, gives him a dollar and proceeds to wash his own windshield with the squeegy kid. Then he crumples him up and throws him in a trash can across the street. And I'll be damned if the gleam off that windshield didn't cause a 50 car pile up!
Brasky bit the head off Ozzy Osbourne!
Ya know it was Brasky who killed Bambi's mom.
So Brasky and I are on the side of the road with a blown motor. Brasky says "no problem" Then he rips the motor out, throws it in a ditch, and proceeds to kick out the floor panels. Then he takes off his shoes and propels the car forward with his feet. He started to speed and some cops tried to pull us over. Brasky yelled "Yabba Dabba Doo!" and I'll be damned if he didn't out run them all!
I've never experienced a woman intimately. TO BILL BRASKY!
Brasky and I were shopping in the mall and when we got to the car I realized I'd left the lights on and the battery was dead. Just as I was about to call the auto club Brasky says "Don't worry, I've got this". He then proceeds to grab my jumper cables and clip one to his right pinkie and the other to his penis, and I'll be damned if that car didn't start on the first try.
Brasky was once swallowed whole by a killer whale, to survive inside it he ATE his way out; when he was done there was nothing left but a bleached skeleton.
Like the alien in Alien:Resurrection Brasky was once buried alive in
molten lead. After he clawed his way out he proceeded to lecture us
all on the dangers of lead poisoning; then he bought out the world's
supply of lead to ensure the creation of unleaded gasoline.
Brasky was actually a set of identical twins, but one of them ate the other one in the womb.
Brasky discovered milk by squeezing farm animals and drinking whatever came out!
He can palm a Volkswagen Beetle!
They tried to remove his tonsils once, but the damn things fought back so hard that the entire surgical team was hospitalized for a month!
He ate an entire cow once...and passed it later that day - complete!
Like a brontosaurus he has a second brain in his ***!
If you pull Brasky's ears softserve ice cream comes out his nostrils, vanilla out of the right and chocolate out of the left. If he's in a good mood he'll make you a swirl.
It was Brasky who obtained Alaska for the States by winning it in a poker game
Dave Coullier from Full House got a job as Brasky's new coffee table.
His tongue is 4 feet long and he can use it to snag low flying birds.
Brasky made a cool million by letting Robert Redford spend one night with his wife and the cast of The Andy Griffith show.
Brasky makes a very decorative pottery out of diamonds he melts down in his belly button. You guessed it, he's an outty. Anyway, he sells the diamond pots to celebrities. He gave one to Angela Landsbary. The card said, sorry, i didn't realize a size 32 would leave that big of a dent in the back of your skull.
My parents are cousins. TO BILL BRASKY!
Like a shark, Brasky has to keep moving to stay alive. He also has a tendency to circle bars before entering.
So Brasky and me are sitting in the orchestra, waiting to play Mozart's fifth symphony when Brasky realizes he needs some catgut for his violin. So he pulls Cat Stevens out of his back pocket and disembowels him. We all had a good laugh at that one. Ahhh,
memories.
Brasky doesn't believe in the number 4. He says it goes against 'the natural order'
He says pokemon are real and taste great with a little miracle whip.
Hey are you guys talking about Bill Brasky? I know Bill Brasky!
I wanna be your dear friend!
They say every time he cuts himself shaving the current pope dies.
He encased his first bowel movement in solid quartz
He once had a torrid love affair with Mr. Peanut. That's why Peanut now uses a cane.
He once raped Richard Simmons under the full moon. The result was Carrot Top!
A small family of possums live in his *** crack!
Brasky did all the special effects for the Star Wars movies using only finger puppets and his sweat.
So one day I'm sitting in an airport bar with a bunch of guys discussing the exploits of that 10 foot, 2 ton sum***** when some guy, wanders over and says "Are you guys talking about Billy Brasky?" Well, we just all sit there in shock cause everyone knows you don't call Bill Brasky Billy. Sure enough, Bill Brasky appears as if out of thin air and says "The name's BILL Brasky" He then rips out the man's vocal cords and hangs him with them. We all stood and cheered.
I killed my own father!
Brasky never uses pens. He carries a pocketful of chipmunks and when he needs to write he just bites the head off one and uses its blood.
Brasky played Monopoly with real buildings, Snakes and Ladders with real snakes and ladders, and the Game of Life with real lives.
Brasky can carve his name in concrete using only his urine.
Brasky was rejected as a Dick Tracy villain for being too weird looking.
He once shot Art Garfunkle out of a cannon and aimed him at Paul Simon. Its said this is what made them breakup.
Did you know that Brasky used to perform circumcisions? Business was down so he decided to jazz things up by adding knife throwing into the act. Well he severed at least 5 dongs before somebody told him it might not be a good idea. Brasky says "time will tell" and I'll be damned if those 5 boys didn't rise to stardom as N'Sync
I used to molest my younger siblings. T'Bil'Brsky!!!
If he thinks real hard, he can change into a '69 mustang, like a Transformer.
He was the inspiration for the Predator creature, from the movie. He IS one ugly mother f**ker!
The constillation Orion is actually Brasky holding up a whiskey, making a toast to the Chicago Bears.
He invented a transporter, like in Star Trek. He uses it to steal liquor.
The tribbles from star trek are actually Brasky's genital lice.
His bathrobe is made of steel wool.
He owns a myna bird named Robert who can breathe fire.
I sold my soul for a playboy. TO COMRADE BRASKI!
He carries around a hip flask of Jack Daniels. Not the drink, but the actual man.
Brasky likes to spike the coffee at AA meetings with Kahlua.
He likes to ring bells to give angels their wings and then catch them and rip them off!
Brasky and I were at the zoo and we visited the Reptile House. We were staring at a six-meter Burmese python; Brasky shrugged and said, "Big deal, I've crapped longer turds than that"; and you know what, he was right!
Brasky once shoplifted an entire 8-setting silverware collection by swallowing it; he passed the whole thing in less than 12 hours! And I'll be damned if we weren't eating with that cutlery the next day.
He had his eyeballs tinted!
Brasky went under the knife to have his tonsils removed, but wouldn't you know the damn things but up such a fight that the entire surgical team was hospitalized for two weeks!
He singlehandly won the World Series, twice in one season!
Like Jonah, Brasky was once swallowed whole by a whale. Over a period of several days, he proceeded to eat his way out, when he was done there was nothing left but a bleached skeleton. He said it was a little salty for his tastes.
When there was no food left in the house he once ate two gallons of lime-green latex paint, including the can! He said it tasted like Mountain Dew.
He uses pool cues as toothpicks!
I can't remember the names of any of my children and my wife's a whore. TO BILL BRASKY!
Brasky and I came out of the mall after shopping for Kwanzaa gifts, and wouldn't you know I saw that I'd left the car's headlights on all day long. Well the battery was deader than Emilio Estevez's career, but Brasky just lifted the hood and said "I'll take care of this". He grabs my jumper cables and clamps one to his pinkie and the other to his penis, and I'll be damned if that car didn't start on the first try!
He can fit three regulation-size basketballs in his mouth, like some people do with billiards!
Brasky once attended an anti-fur protest wearing a LIVE grizzly just out of spite! He had galapagos turtles on his feet!
He uses a fifty-gallon drum as a shot glass!
Brasky has a life size map of the world tattooed on his back!
He wore an electric eel as a belt!
You guys remember when my father died right?
(Yeah I was there when you killed him!)
Right, anyway, Brasky somehow got power of attorney and decides he's going to handle the funeral. Well Brasky buried my poor dad naked in a cardboard box then he used dad's burial suit to polish his Subaru Outback. But I'll be damned if he wasn't bawling like a baby the whole time.
He once shot Roger Moore with a silver bullet and to this day insists he's the wolfman!
His resume is printed on Vincent Price's head on a stick.
His television remote is a bullwhip and a very submissive Leonard Maltin!
Saigon fell because Brasky lost it to the Viet Cong in a poker game.
The voodoo religion is based on one of Brasky's mini-bar bills.
Star Wars is based on Brasky's life story, the death star is just a metaphor for his bout of crabs.
Bill Brasky is the Caramilk secret.
I'm wearing women's underwear right now. TAH SIR WILLIAM ROBERT BRASKY!
Brasky likes to dress up Ice Cube in a little blue dress and ruby red slippers and make him sing 'Somewhere over the rainbow'.
Brasky cries like a little girl everytime those damn kids won't give some Trix to the rabbit.
So one day, Brasky and me are digging a new swimming pool for his house and some kid walks by and says 'Hey, looks like you guys are diggin to China!'. So Brasky gets a strange look in his eye and says "We'll see about that." So for the next 3 years, we're digging through the Earth. Turns out the center of the earth is actually nougat. So Brasky and me finally dig through the other side of the earth and we end up in Korea. I'll be damned if Brasky didn't climb back in the hole and go all the way back to his house, find the kid and say "No, I dug all the way to Korea. Learn your geography you little *******"
Brasky was the super-ultra-secret boss in Mike Tyson's Punchout!
The Brasky family crypt is full of deadly sea monkies.
One time Brasky had a library book out for a whole century. He returned it during amnesty week and it gave the whole library staff the plague. Asked for comment Brasky replied "Hey, they wanted it, they got it!"
He's having an affair with Hillary Clinton. He says she's the only woman Bill Clinton didn't get to first.
He can crack walnuts with his eyelids.
He joined the army at 5. It was easy to convince the enrolment board that he was an adult, what with having a giant handlebar mustache and all.
He once had sex with the statue of liberty and didn't call her afterward.
Brasky was Deepthroat. He named himself after his favourite movie!
Brasky's nipple can cut diamonds.
My heart and my *** hurt! TO BILL aw **** it.
He shot JFK but he was aiming for Jackie!
So Brasky and me are sitting in a comedy club, heckling a particularly bad comic when the comic gets pissed off and shouts "Oh yeah! I'd like to see you do better!" So Brasky gets up, walks up on stage and disembowels the comic and forces him to play cat's cradle with him using his own small intestine. Well, the crowd loved that and called for an encore so Brasky cracks the man's skull open and pulls out his brain and proceeds to do his Harlem Globetrotters routine with it. Well, I'll be damned if the club manager didn't sign him to a three year contract on the spot.
Scientists have proven that world actually does revolve around Brasky.
Brasky went fox hunting at 5 a.m. in July wearing snow boots and a scarf. He ran straight through the state of Montana to catch this one fox, and I'll be damned if he didn't run smack into an Indian Reservation. They made Brasky chief and all the men begged Brasky to have sex with their wives. He never caught that fox.
Brasky cried during Steel Magnolias, not because he was sad but because he poked himself in the eye while masturbating!
Brasky once played Satan in a game of Scrabble and won with the word, "pancake."
Brasky has his own political party. Its described as a cross between the A-Team, Jesus Christ and cannibalism.
One time I was fishing with Brasky and I fall overboard. Brasky sees me and says "I'll land this Marlin" Then he baits a hook, throws his line in the water and I'll be damned if he didn't hook me on the first try. I yell "thanks Brasky" (it sounded different with a hook in my mouth) and he says "Hold on I wanna try something" Then a huge Killer Whale leaps out of the water and starts eating me. Brasky waits till I'm in the whale's belly then he reels in the line and catches the whale. Brasky cuts open the whale and I fall out, then he says "You're the best bait I've ever seen. Lets make some money" Before I know it I'm on the shelf of every bait shop in the world under the label 'Brasky Bait' and I'm sellin like hotcakes but wouldn't you know I'm used too much and the fish loose their taste for me. Brasky said "Easy come easy go" then he ate the remaining me just so I wouldn't feel like a waste.
Brasky eats only endangered species on the sabbath.
Brasky taught Nelson Mandella everything he knows about sodomy!
Brasky feels it's necessary to start every morning with a balanced breakfast: two eggs, toast, and a tall glass of puma semen & Beefeater Gin.
Did I ever tell you the time Brasky and me went to get tattoos? Well, he was getting life-size picture of Jessica Tandy on his right forearm *his first true love* right. Well, I was going to get a dragon or something to go with the other tattoos I had on my arms when Brasky tells the guy to tattoo a little Brasky on my shoulder. Well, I wasn't about to turn down a good idea like that so I told the guy to do it. Turned out pretty good too. Of course, within 2 hours the tattoo brasky had painfully removed all the other tattoos on my body and then raped me while I slept.
The army's current catchline of 'An Army of One' is based on their success with dropping Brasky in Europe in WWII.
Brasky translated every music book into braille. It was a thankless act, until he blinded Stevie Wonder.
Brasky is the voice for the book on tape of "Mein Kampf"
Brasky won Japan in Vegas last year but gave it back because it clashed with his couch.
Brasky has a nonsexual crush on Martin Sheen.
So Brasky and I were drinking heavily as usual and watching tv when Pretty Woman came on. So we watched it, we laughed, we cried, we saw it again. Anyways, afterwards, Brasky and I head downtown looking for a little action. Brasky walks up to the first hooker he finds and punches his fist into her chest and pulls out her still beating heart. He looked at it, threw it away and said "Nope. Not gold." So we spent the entire evening like that, randomly killing prostitutes. By the end of the evening, Brasky had managed to amass a collection of no less than 3 solid gold hooker hearts.
Speaking of awful you gentlemen know how I like to burn my children with matches. (Silence) Anyway here's a Brasky story. You all know Brasky's house right? *Goes about 3 acres, 5 stories tall!* It does, anyway Brasky's giving me the grand tour and he locks me in a cage in his basement. I lived there for three years with little food and less water. But when "Better Homes and Gardens" magazine showed up, damned if I wasn't the main focus of the article!
To teach his kids about the birds and the bees, Brasky raped Ru Paul in front of their 4th grade class and I'll be damned if they didn't name Brasky educator of the year!
I've got tell tale signs of down syndrome! TO BILL BRASKY!
Did I ever tell you about the time Brasky and I went surfing? His shortboard is a 38 foot bayliner! So brasky and I paddle to Hawaii from California and we pull into the line up and some Hawaiian shouts, " Beat it Hauoli locals rule!" Well Brasky proceeds to rape him and every other man, woman, child, and mongoose in the whole chain of Islands. Afterward he inveted a cure for syphilis, gave them Christianity and sang them a song with a guitar, I think it was "the little indian song". They were so impressed they by Brasky's guitar skills the made their own guitars, except the guitar looked so small in Brasky's hands that the Hawaiians guitars came out as miniature, hence the Ukelele.
Harg Garg Raggle Raggle sweetchuck harf!
I hear ya brother.
Have you all seen that movie "The Ring."? Well, Brasky and I rented it, and sure enough that girl tried to come through his television screen. Brasky used his Tivo to pause it when just her head had entered his living room, then he repeatedly kicked it and used it for a toilet.
Brasky has a picture of Elvis sodomizing a baby lamb in his living room.
Brasky replaced his vocal chords with a bullhorn. If you ever hear sirens, it's either the police or Brasky coming to sodomize your cat!
Brasky recently arrived to our company picnic on moose-back, covered in blood and feces. Nobody questioned this.
The is a chapter about Brasky in the Book of Mormon.
NASA is fighting bankruptcy because for $50 Brasky will throw anything you want into orbit.
Bill Brasky was the inspiration for the biblical descriptions of Satan, although they had to tone him down a little bit so as not to scare baby Jesus.
Did I ever tell you about Brasky’s lifelong goal to reunite the cast of Police Academy? Well Brasky scours the country looking for all the actors. When I told him that George Gaines and David Graf were dead he said ‘Not for long!’ Well Brasky dug those two up, pulled their rotting skins off and stretched them over the two kids from Good Burger. Then he yelled ‘Action’ and I’ll be damned if he didn’t single handedly shoot the greatest movie in film history.
Killer bees aren’t “Africanized”. Brasky used to keep them as pets and trained them with intense Nazi propaganda to attack ethnically inferior people.
All of the Olympic cities are chosen depending on where Brasky was when he last beat a hooker to death.
Did I ever tell you about the time I went drinking with Bill Brasky? Before we even get in the bar ol' Brasky siphons the gas out of the entire block of cars and drinks it. The next thing I know Brasky is forcing himself on me and proceeds to make beautiful love to me. It was the most passionate night of my life.
My mother is a man. TO BILL BRASKY!!!
Did I ever tell you guys about the time Brasky opened a bar? (My mother is a man) *heavy breathing* Anyways, Brasky was hanging around in England for a while (He says British chicks really know fellatio!) and he goes to a bunch of bars, and they all have names like "The Kings Head" or "The Queen's Head" and whatnot.
Anyways, he gets this idea in his head, heads back to New York, and sure enough, opens a bar called "The Lincoln's Head".
But it wasn't a sign that he hung outside the bar...
He never gave me the cure for syphilis! Just regular old syphilis dammit!
Atlas may be holding the earth but Brasky is spotting him!
Every time Brasky gets a haircut it smells like a freshly mown lawn!
Brasky's not really picky about women, he just has a hard time finding one that's not currently carrying his unborn child.
The last digit of pi is Brasky.
Brasky has no reflection. He killed it cause nobody should be as good looking as Brasky.
He hates cargo pants.
His ties are actually boa constrictors he's trained to remain perfectly still.
The french actually hate escargot but they'll keep eating it cause they lost a bet to Brasky.
Did I ever tell you about the time they named a hurricane after Brasky? Well, Brasky saw it on the weather channel and said "Oh we'll see about this". He flew down to the coast where the hurricane was supposed to come ashore and yelled into the powerful winds "You think you're a better Brasky then me?" He then threw himself into the hurricane and managed to subdue it. He then proceeded to wreck the entire coast line for hundreds of miles, causing billions of dollars in damage, saying "Now that's how a Brasky does it"
Once, when Brasky was held at gun point, he was told "your wallet, or your life." Brasky replied only "Meh, I had a good run." The thief was so astounded at Brasky's sacrifice that he dropped the gun. Brasky then snapped him in two over his knee.
Bill Brasky is the reason why the Magic Cards Gathered.
Though some people have been known to "Drink like a Fish", fish infact drink like Brasky.
The English Royal Guards aren't allowed to be distracted because they know that's when Brasky would make his move.
Brasky once had sex with my VCR, causing "The Guns of Navarone" to be played on the screen.
Brasky's creditted for Breaking the Back of that Mountain.
I don't eat fish because they scream in pain in my nightmares. TO BILL BRASKY!!!
One spring evening during our freshman year in college, Brasky gets it in his head to frame me for the murder of a hobo. I'm tried, convicted and sentenced for the crime.... 25 years later when they release me, I walk out of the pen to see Brasky sitting in a pickup truck with a mile-wide grin.... I get closer to ask him what was so funny, but before I could, he just points at me, laughs, and says "Ha Ha! Gotcha! Happy April Fool's Day!" Even though he ruined my life, I still had to respect the effort.
Brasky's Slip N' Slide is just a long line of broken whiskey bottles with raw sewage running down it. Damned if he doesn't love breaking it out every Memorial Day for the kids though.
He built a shrine to Larry of the Three Stooges... and prays at it regularly.
Hes the one who actually got the vatican to forbid preists for marrying. Not because its more pious, just so he could have all the nuns to bang himself.
After hearing about how the Roman centurian stabbed Jesus in the chest, Brasky invented the Flux Capacitor. He then traveled back in time, found the centurian and nailed him to a tree. Then stabbed the centurian with one of his golf clubs and said "See, how do you like it!"
Transindental Mediditation is based on what happens to Brasky when he watches 3D movies.
Mary Magdeline was actually impregnated by Brasky and not Jesus. They just mistook Brasky for Jesus, cause you know who wouldnt.
All the alter boys who claim to have been molested were all given false memories by Brasky under hypnosis, just so he could watch the parade of human misery on TV. When asked why, he just said "Hey they cancled my favotire soap, and a mans got to have some hobby!"
Moses got the idea for parting the Red Sea from Brasky but Brasky parted on the side because that was his style.
Brasky auditioned for the role of God in the 10 Commandments, when the producers turned him down he flooded the earth for 40 days and 40 nights.
I have a live gerbil up my ***. TO SENOR BRASKY!
Brasky attended the Last Supper but he was thrown out after a misunderstanding caused him to actually eat some of the "body of Christ" Damned if he didn't gain immortality though.
The reason Catholics don't eat meat on Good Friday is because historically Brasky would go on a carnivorous binge and there was never any meat left for anyone else.
You all know that Brasky is half jewish right? Anyway, at his circumcision the rabbi tries to cut off Brasky's foreskin when it comes to life and kills everyone in the room. Then it runs off into the night and some say it still roams the earth searching for somwhere to belong.
You know how smoke billows out of the Vatican when their trying to pick a new pope? Well, that's actually just from the fire spit at Brasky's luau. The new pope is decided upon through a series of Hawaiian themed competitions. Benedict is rumoured to have won only after Lou Bega "bit the big one" during Speed Stick's longboard surf challenge.
Islamics pray towards the city of Mecca because they know that God and Brasky get together there once in awhile to talk about news, politics, and the $46 bucks Brasky still owes God from college.
Agnostics can't believe that there is no God because each and everyone of them has gotten a whiff of Brasky's aftershave. After smelling such a divine odour, none can admit that there isn't some form of holy spirit out there.
Anyway, When ever the virgin Mary appears in a window its just the residue from Brasky passing gas.
And he made Jesus appear in a grilled cheese...... he didnt make the sandwich. he actually took the real Jesus and actually crushed him into a slice of bread.
I worship a dead bird in the park. TO BILLY BRASKY!
*crash*
AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!
THE NAME'S BILL.
This reminds me of an old saying... Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Brasky R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn!
To be fair that Virgin Mary statue only started crying blood after Brasky dropped trou in front of it. And he only did that to show her his new Snagglepuss tattoo.
One day the priest was feeling ill so Brasky heard his own confession. If you ask him what the pennance was he won't tell. He'll only say it was tough but fair, and it involved a gin bath and a horse suppository.
He uses the Holy Grail as his key holder.
ust like Megazord, Brasky's arms are made out of a Mastodon. He uses the head as a shield too.
He has bike chains for leg hair!
Just like the new Pringles, Brasky's skin is covered in quirky and sometimes intriguing facts. It's too bad that armor plating is covering it all... I'm sure some of those facts are pretty informing...
Arnold Schrawzenegger is a prophet. CELEBRATE BRASKY!
Rumor has it that the lost pieces of the Rosetta Stone are wedged in Brasky's inner ear. It would explain his love of fornicating with Greek men.
Brasky's fingernails are actually made of palladium and shilac. When angered, they extend into a perfect replica of a stillframe of that jet accident where two of them collided.
Brasky's got a rare eye condition called "heterochromia". His one eye is brown, where the other is a Tommy Gun.
This may be hard to believe, but Brasky has a glass-jaw.
Of course, it's not just regular glass in there, but instead it's that glass that can withstand a cruise missle, and is used to protect the president.
Brasky's got multiple rows of teeth like a shark and when he loses one tearing at a carcass another pops in to replace it.
Like a cow Brasky has 4 stomachs. "One for each food group!" he always says. He also has 5 livers which explains why he can drink Ted Kennedy under the table.
You know they say the works of H.P. Lovecraft were inspired by Brasky's childhood pets.
The story Herbert West Reanimator was based on Brasky's ability to raise the dead. Except he made the reagent serum naturally if you know what I mean.
You know, ALL of Tom Clancy's novels are inspired by Bill Brasky. That's because Clancy himself is Brasky's top, right-side molar. This can be credited for Brasky's insatiable taste for military history, and soviet tanks.
Tim Burton is actually Brasky's pubic hairs given sentience.
It explains a lot about Burton. And Brasky.
The adventures of Conan were actually the things that happened to Brasky when he went out to get cigarettes one night.
All of Johnny Cash's songs are based on Bill Brasky's first five weeks of kindergarten.
Marilyn Monroe killed herself because Brasky stopped letting her jack him off.
Bill Brasky was the one who came up with Manifest Destiny, **** John L. O'Sullivan. It was Brasky.
Were you aware that Bill Brasky has 6 toes? Someone tried to cut them off but the toe rose up and killed him. I went to the funeral. Man, even Bill felt sort of bad about that one.
Bill Brasky drives a vehicle that was built from the bones of men he's killed and is fueled by scotch.
Did I ever tell you about the time Bill Brasky visited China?
I asked Brasky when his plane left, and Brasskey responded "Only women fly planes! I'm Bill Brasky!" He then used my garage door as a shovel and dug his way to China! He then ate a huge poster of Mao and took a dump in Tienamen Square!
The phrase "No matter where you go, there you are" is actually come down through the ages from an old Cherokee phrase that translates:"No matter where you...****, is that Bill Brasky? AW HELL, RUN!"
Contrary to popular rumor, Brasky has never raped a woman. This is because the moment any woman sees Brasky naked all sexual activity from that moment on is considered consensual.
This legal precedence has even been upheld by the Supreme Court in the case of Brasky vs. The Satisfied
I once saw Brasky wipe his *** with a porcupine…and then he ate the porcupine!
Brasky has seen each and every episode of Law and Order and he can name all the guest stars in alphabetical order.
I liked Gigli! BRASKY IS LOVE.
Brasky drives a forklift to work. He works at Denny’s.
Bill’s body odor smells like Ramen noodles.
He once broke a baseball bat over his head, then used the oozing blood to glue it back together and hit a homerun with it.
Bill Brasky beat the Pope at arm wrestling.
One time, Bill won so much money at the horse tracks that he bought the winning horse and turned it into dog food for his dogs to eat.
Bill Brasky eats broken glass for breakfast, nails for lunch, and chicken pot pie for dinner.
Bill Brasky single-handedly overthrew the British at the Battle of Ticonderoga.
Brasky can walk through walls, but only after he punches a hole in them with his bare fists.
Bill once made out with Denise Richards and Britney Spears at the same time. Afterwards, he said he had had better.
Brasky once drank a gallon of gasoline on a bet. He then spent his $5 on a hooker.
Bill Brasky deep fried a skunk and fed it to his mother.
Bill Brasky keeps the sun burning.
He threatened the Soviets with Braskyism...they wept.
He performs abortions and the only compensation he will accept is scotch.
He is the father of every human ever.
He wrote Stairway to Heaven and thought it was his worst composition so he sold it to Jimmy Page.
Bill Brasky once made love to Old Faithful.
Bill Brasky was who Superman was based off of.
Bill Brasky wrote the Bible himself. It was also his idea for the Great Flood, because he likes to do a lot of swimming.
Bill Brasky and me went to a bar one day and we saw a beautiful woman across the room, and I'll be damned if he didn't go over there punch her in the mouth and tell her to buy him a scotch. Long story short he later told me it was his mother.
I once saw Brasky wrestle an alligator. Well he didn't wrestle it as much as have sex with it, but it was the most beautiful thing I ever saw.
It was Brasky who took out his own rib to create woman, because he was really, really, horny.
Brasky bought a new watch a few years back, so he gave his old one to his pal back in England. They took it and made Big Ben.
Brasky's great grandfather is the Quaker Oats Man
Bill Brasky had a brief marriage to the Phillie Phanatic during the 80's to help the Phanatic get US citizenship. It was love at first, but the marriage fell apart and they had a messy divorce. The Phanatic ended up with the house and half of Brasky's tuna sandwich.
I have ambiguous sexual organs. TO BILL BRASKY!
Since 1972, every the Presidential candidate to win election has been the man who most resembles Brasky's penis.
One night at 3 am Bill Brasky broke into my house and grabbed me out of my bed. He told me that this was his house now and threw me out of a second story window. I never saw my wife and kids again.
Mona Lisa is grinning because she was thinking of Bill Brasky.
Dinosaurs get tangled up and trapped in his chest hair.
Bill Brasky shot President Lincoln, then told John Wilkes Booth to take the blame or else he'd **** his wife. He took the blame, but let's just say Bill Brasky isn't always a man of his word.
Bill Brasky once had sex with my wife. A week later she gave birth to a 37 year old 200 pound Chinaman named Ping Ling.
He has a summer beach house in Jurassic Park.
For headphones Bill Brasky has to duct tape two boom boxes to his enormous head.
Bill Brasky once took a crap on Picasso... not a painting the actual artist.
Bill Brasky drinks coffee in the morning. He's pretty normal at that.
He's a 10-foot-tall beast man, who showers in Vodka.. and feeds his baby Shrimp Scampi..
Best damn trader on the Bull Market!
He orchestrated the merger between UNICEF and Smith & Wesson.
Brasky went public with his own buttocks and made $7 million.
Second Friend of Brasky: Did I ever tell you about the time Bill Brasky went hunting?! Brasky decides he's going to hunt down all four of the Banana Splits! He stomps and chews every one of them with a machete. They all begged for their lives... except Fleagle!
We once had a bachelor party for Brasky. He ate the entire cake before we could tell him there was a stripper in it..
Brasky once hosted the Grammy's, and gave every award to Corey Hart!
He has a toenail on the end of his penis!
Brasky got his wife pregnant and she gave birth to a delicious 16 oz. steak The afterbirth was sauteed muchrooms!
Brasky's family crest is a picture of a barracuda eating Neil Armstrong!
Brasky ranked 18th in the AP College Football Poll.
You guys smell awful. TO BILL BRASKY!!!!!!!!!!1!!111!one1eleventyone!
Did I ever tell about the time Brasky was in a production of "The King & I"?
(Every morning I crap the bed!)
...Anyway, on opening night, Brasky chloroforms the entire cast and slowly eats them in front of the audience for two hours! The production got pretty good reviews.
He breast-feeds John Madden!
Brasky named the group Sha-Na-Na! They did not want to be called that.
If you drop a phonograph needle on Brasky's nipple, it plays the Beach Boys' "Pet Sounds".
They use Brasky's foreskin as a tarp when it rains at Yankee Stadium!
Brasky directed that commercial where the women play basketball in heels!
He wears a live rattlesnake as a condom!
All the Yes album covers are Brasky Family photos.
Darryl Hawkins has a summer home in Brasky's groin!
Hey, did I ever tell you about the time Brasky taught his son how to drive? Brasky taught his son to drive by entering him into the Indy 500. The kid wrecked, and died. Brasky said, "It would have happened sometime!"
Brasky's semen can form into a liquid human!
(Like the guy in "Terminator 2"!)
Brasky still believes in Santa Claus! And he wants to put him in porno films.
He thinks Iron-Man is gay!
He framed Roger Rabbit!
Brasky used to ride upon a steed, perchance to spy a lady..
The character Johnny Appleseed was based on Brasky except for the part about planting appleseeds and not raping men!
He gave a hand job to a manta ray!
I ache from six months of celibacy! HEIL BRASKY!
Hey, to Bill Brasky! An eight-foot, two-ton monster who can palm a medicine ball! That’s what he is.
(Come on Junior! If you don’t catch the ball I’ll put the dog to sleep!)
(You’re a fine father!)
So anyways, Brasky would put on a white tie and tails and walk his pet cobra through the park on a leash. He named the cobra "Beverly". And he taught it how to fetch and dial a phone. But then one day, it bit the maid. So with tears in his eyes, Brasky had to shoot the maid.
Brasky would use his own thigh as an anvil!
You know, it was the sight of Brasky’s naked body that drove Brian Wilson insane!
He showers in grain alcohol!
He uses the Shroud of Terin as a golf towel!
He killed Wolfman Jack with a trident!
He drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls!
His first name is BILL! I’m drunk.
Yeah. He makes every woman that sleeps with him, refer to him as “Bear Bryant”!
He once ate the bible while water skiing!
Did I ever tell you? He once had sex with a cigarette machine!
Bill Brasky fathered every kid in this town! Every damn one of 'em! RAGGLE PAGGLE BROW!
I now live every day to my fullest because I only have eight days left to live. IT'S BRASKY TIME!
-I can't find anymore, so add your own damn stories dammit.
