this'll probably be pretty long. Very long actually. the second and third paragraphs from the bottom are of the most importance if you want to skip to them.

UI have this friend who, for the sake of 2 people on this forum who may be familiar with her, I'm going to call Julie (name changed to protect the innocent and all that rot) Anyway, she's been one of my good friends for quite a few years now, and she's hilarious, confident, I of course always knew she had some insecurities, which is how he was able to get to her, but it was really nothing above the ordinary insecurities that most people have, so this complete dowward spiral has come as an unbelievable shock.

I guess it all started, or at least all really came out, when I was at school this year. She'd been dating this guy Tony for a long time, but I hadn't seriously talked to her in a while so I didn't know much about thier relationship. I got a call from Julie's mom saying that she was missing. (I'd always loved her mom, and I didn't understand why Julie started to kind start resenting her mom) But anyway, she'd left in the middle of the night leaving a note discussig how worthless she was and that she was going for a while. She didn't take a straightener, brush, change of clothes, contact solution, anything/ (which was so unlike her, I adore the girl, but she can be pretty well described as pretty vain) It then came out that she had gone off to VTech to chase after Tony - apparently they'd been having some relationship problems. Apparently he also sent her a text message saying "Don't give me up that easily, fight for me" only to act completely shocked and such when she came down.

this was a Monday night and VT is about 2 hours away from my school. I'd utilized some facebook contacts from my high school who go to VT and got Tony's number. So I'd called him saying "Hey this is Steph, julie's friend, is she there? can I talk to her?" To which he responded y saying "Oh good, maybe you can get this ***** out of my life" I wasn't particularly thirlled. Anyway so she comes on the phone absolutely sobbing (in the 6 or 7 years I've known her I might have seen her cry once) and saying how worthless she is and yadda yadda yadda and I didn't want her staying there with him and i thought she was WAY too upset to drive the 2 hours, all of it on one monotonous highway, so I got one of my friends (and it was my freshman year, so they were relatively new friends) so drive the 2 hours there at midnight on a monday night. There was this long hassle involving a police officer stopping us for speeding right outside the school and we, hoping me may let us off or at least lessen the ticket, told him the situation. Instead, he wrote my friend a $144 ticket and called campus security, who got a psychiatrist involved, so instead of grabbing her and going back to my school, we stayed in the VT security office until 6 am before the psychiatrist decided she should spend the night in a mental institution. Not the desired effect. Tony meanwhile, sat there trying to charm us the whole time.

anyway, it was noon before they actually let her into the psych part of the hospitol and tony and I waited there with her - we sent my friends back to a hotel. Julie is afraid of hospitols so she was upset...well upset about the whole thing. Especially since she doesn't live, nor did she ever go to school in Virginia. Anyway, her parents came and picked her up the next day and from then on Julie starts keeping me informed about her relationship with tony.

he's obsessively jealous to the point where he got insanely angry with her about her going bowling with 3 girls and one guy - all of whom she has known for about 4 or 5 years, part of a little crowd we used to hang out with (you didn't tell me there was going ot be a guy there!) which was amusing since he had spent the everning alone at a girl's house. He got voilently angry with her when he found out that she'd gone clubbing with her brother in NC - and I mean big explosive fights. He brought her over with him to his friend's house and he didn't say much, so she was talking to the friend most of the night - that was another fight. He was basically jealous and posessive to the extreme and she keeps going back to him.

anyway, things started getting worse and worse. She visited him at tech one or 2 more times, though we didn't go after her those times. And for the life of me I could not, and still cannot, figure out what to say or what will happen to make her drop him. Her mom started looking at the text mesages he sends her (hey the woman is beyond upset and worried, she's cried to me a few times, I can completely understand why she would do that) and they're usually like "You ****in ***** I bet you're ****ing every guy in sight you're such a whore" and the like. Nice guy eh?

well she just found out recently that he had cheated on her at tech - having sex with another girl for most of the year. um. oops. So she was, of course, more than a little angry. So she doesn't really want to see him one night and goes out with some of her girl friends to a party which as at a guy, James's, house. Tony looked through her phonebook and saw James's phone number in there (he called and gave her directions) and flipped his lid, because she'd gone to another boy's house even if there were other people there, even though he's been at a party with a girl. um...okay. So he throws her cell phone and it hits a tree and completely breaks. they get into a fight and he threw his drink at her (not the glass with it or anything) and she slaps him (FINALLY). He looks about ready to hit her back, so she decides that she wants to leave. Before she can do that though, he grabs her purse (with her keys in it) and takes her car. He then comes back later in his car and throws her keys in the weeds. She walked to a 7-11 and called me at 1:30 am to pick up (which of course I did) and she didn't want to go home so she spent the night at my house. She and her mom found the car the next day and he had keyed it. Not just a big scratch or two, but completely and totally keyed it.

Her mom called mine today while I was out to dinner with my dad, so I just found out from my mom that she's missing again. She left her house and she doesn't have her car, her purse, a cell phone or anything. She couldn't have called tony to pick her up - she doesn't have a phone, but they've been looking for her and she's nowhere to be found. I'm wracking my brains to figure out where she went, but I can think of nowhere within wakling distance. Her parents called the police but she is over 18, and thhey haven't found her. Tony kind of alienated her from most of her friends, and really I can think of nothing/.

I don't know why I'm telling you guys all this but I guess it's just because I feel so helpless. There seems to be absolutely nothing I can do or say to get her to leave him or to help her out or anything. WHAT CAN I DO? What can I say or do that would help her or make her realize that she's worth so much more than how she's being treated? What happened to my fun, confident friend?

I dunno

Tried calling Tony though, and asking him if he knows anything about what's going on? I mean, he's not very likely to cooperate, but if he does know anything he might say something like he did when she disappeared the first time.

Break Jon Lee Malvo out of jail and have him sniper Tony's ***.

LOL! oh it's more than crossed my mind - I have someone willing to provide me with an alibi.

police called him and he says he doesn't know where she is.

I don't think there is much you can do.

Be there for her, she'll need it sooner or later, and pray that she is alright.

I'll keep her in my prayers.

Just wait it out. There is nothing you can do, and there's no point in worrying and freaking out over something you have no control over.

Instead, use your energy to think of ways you can help the girl when she does finally show up, to make sure this doesn't happen again.

And, please, forward the crime committed by that stupid mother****er who keyed the girl's car to the police so he can pay up the money he owes in damages.

I think her mom reported it to the police, and that's more what I mean - what can I do so that this doesn't happen again? because I can't think of anything to do about it - their relationship, not her disappearance, though that's upsetting too. But I don't know what I can do or say to her

*sigh*

Yet another sad story of an innocent girl who falls for a complete jerk.

Well, sad to say there are some people that are just like that. You know it's bad for them, sometimes *they* know it's bad for them, but they refuse to leave the situation. As far as making sure he doesn't do anything, I can't suggest anything that's not illegal.

Aside from reporting every criminal act that you can & reporting her missing (which seems to have been done already), I don't see what else you could do.

I'm sorry

wow you need to smack that girl in the face and tell her to grow the **** up..

oh and never, ever tell cops anything.. ever.

What would you do in her situation? Sounds like to me someone wants to kill Tony.

Or "get away from it all" to find herself, which is the better of the two.

Did you even read the story, Z@N?

in her situation? I would nevery stay with someone like that is what I would do! and yeah, I want to kill tony so bad I can practically feel the bat I want to use to bash his head in. repeatedly.

I think that was the best place to start. They have patrols around the street, which is what you need to find a missing person.



I was going to ask myself why she never saw the early signs of over-possessiveness and violence in Tony. Then I thought about her personality, from what you describe and already know, that she has insecurities, which is a setback when comeing to relationships.

This is a nice time in her life to protect her future by learning to not to get involved with men like Tony. I bet he turns out to be a wife beater.

Or jailbait.

what would I do in that situation?

Not have gotten involved with someone who is too possessive/jealous.. that just shows they have a trust problem. Either way, you cut your loses, learn from your mistakes and move on with your life. You don't keep this person around.. especially someone that cheats on you.

I wasn't referring to a missing person, I was referring to speeding.. if she hadn't told the cops the whole story the chick wouldnt have gotten placed in a head hospital.

The time she told the story was dramatic for her, she couldn't help it. Besides, lying to the police is the last thing you'd wanna do. But I understand your point in keeping your mouth shut unless you're spoken to by the police.

Well, I didn't mean lie to them.. and even when spoken to by the police words out of my mouth are 'yes sir' and 'no sir'.. in the situation when being 'interrogated' by the police.

Other than that, its important that cops know all details so they can use all of their resources. Like in a missing persons case.

I called that he was cheating on her a long time ago. Anyone who is that jealous either has a guilty concience or has something wrong with them. Both in this case.

as far as my friend goes, she always wanted approval I guess, but really everyone had insecurities, hers didn't seem unlike everyone else's

yeah, in hindsight I definitely agree that she shouldn't have told the police the story but I know I didn't try to stop her. we were all worried and no one was even supposed to be there and she didn't want a ticket so I can't really blame her

I have absolutely no doubt that he'll end up being a wife beater. Now I just need to make sure she doesn't become said beaten wife!

my thoughts exactly..

it's seems like this chick though was really attached to this Tony, probably why she is having a hard time letting it go.. im sure though if she met someone else she could forget about him in a heart beat.

I was/am going through the same situation with one of my closest friends from high school. For the past three years she's had a guy that sounds exactly like Julie's Tony, only he steals money in addition to all the rest. I tried and tried to help...I gave so much, but last summer she finally just told me to go away (it was actually more harsher than that, but censor and all.)

Basically, you can't do anything. As bad as it is, you are helpless in this case. It may sound mean, but the more you try, the more you are just going to be hurt. The only thing you can do is let her have her space and tell her you're there for her. It might take her three or four more years to figure out what a mistake she's making, but she may eventually figure it out. If not, she may just end up defeated. Sorry to be so blunt, but I've had three friends fall into this trap and so far none have come out. One girl visits the hospital at least once a month with some serious injury (broken bone, concussion,) another just seeks attention for it, and the last one (the one with the Tony-clone) is trying to get out but has already lost thousands to the guy and is in debt even more. I don't know if any of that helped...but I hope she is alright.

yeah, I've long since learned to hold my tongue and just be there for her. Disheartening as it is, thanks for being honest.

She's not going to accept anyone's help until she wants it. You, and everyone else in the world can tell her how bad the situation is and so on, but it won't do any good. All you can do is keep encouraging her to get some help.

I think she needs something extreme. It seems to me that she can keep getting herself into these situations because she can call you or other friends at 1:00 AM and know that you will help her. I would sit her down tell her that she is constantly running back to the same mistake of a human being, and that you are not going to be around to save her *** all the time. Tell her that you will not talk to or interact with her until she gets out of this relation ship. And then don't. Once you get rid of the cushion, she will really feel how hard it hurts to fall. It is bad that this is even happening, and your devotion to the friendship in amazing, but from what you have told, I think she needs to be cut loose, and you really should not be dragged down with her.

But really, I am not living the situation, so my advice is really null and void, but I have dealt with a lot of these types of people, and I know how horrible it is to lose sleep over other peoples problem that they impose on themselves. Do what you think is right.

Apart from doing nothing, BurrBoy's advice is probably the best option. Although if she is as insecure as you say, it might be nicer, if instead of cutting off all contact you just ban her from talking about Tony to you or asking for help when he does something dodgy.

Also, please insert BurrBoy's finishing caveat at the end of my post. Hope it picks up for you and friend soon.

They should all get naked for me or something. I don't know. I'd be as helpless :/

well my only problem with that advice would be that he would then take that and say "look, see? I'm the only person you have," "or or tell her that she really drove me away and make it all into her fault or some other such. I'm not going to go running down to VT anymore, but I honestly don't think it's going to stop until he gets physically violent whether or not I do anything.

They sound a lot like my sister and her ex-husband. He was kinda like Tony and she was kinda like your friend. My sister ended up having to see a counselor to figure out why she kept staying with that moron.

Maybe that is something you can do with her.

Young girls have to make their own mistakes.

If she has somehow over looked this Tony's obvious personality problems (ie, being a tool), and fallen for him, then its her own stupid fault.

However, this guy potentially sounds like the dangerous type, and as her friend, get her away from him.

SLAP SOME SENSE into her!?

if(getThingFlags(source) & 0x8){
  do her}
elseif(getThingFlags(source) & 0x4){
  do other babe}
else{
  do a dude}

If every female just went out with me there wouldn't be these kind of problems.

I'll go out with you!

tor could go out with you, but then I'd have to stab you in the face, like the jealous insane guy that i am

if(getThingFlags(source) & 0x8){
  do her}
elseif(getThingFlags(source) & 0x4){
  do other babe}
else{
  do a dude}

I'm working on it, fish

I'll go out with you too.

Count me in! (And also agree with Burrboy)

Natalie Halloway - MIA in Florida, Dead.
Jennifer Kesse - MIA in FL, Dead

Your friend - took too long to detach herself from a dangerous situation even when other people knew how dangerous it was. MIA wherever.

History never repeats but it sure rhymes.

I'd recommend you do one (or all) of the following:

1) Stop getting into other peoples business.

2) Kill everyone involved and be done with it.

3) Have wild crazy sex with everyone involved so they all get out all of this tension, but then they unwittingly get AIDS and die.

4) Kill everyone involved and be done with it.

5) Do lots of smoking, drinking, and drugs.

6) Forget about it.

7) Kill everyone involved and be done with it.

8) Get a rain slicker and move to Seattle.

9) Kill everyone involved and be done with it.

When did you get back, ]-[elle?

I HAVE RETURNED TO RESCUE THE DAMSEL IN DISTRESS!

(or maybe push her over the edge)

(or maybe just to be an *** in general, I dunno)

(wink wink Scott)