I've got lots :-p
“Ever heard this story? There once was a tiger striped cat. This cat died a million deaths, revived, and lived a million lives, and he was kept by various owners that he really didn’t care for. The cat wasn’t afraid to die. Then one day, the cat became a stray cat, which meant he was free. He met a white female cat, and they spent their days happily. Well, years passed, and the white cat grew old and died. The tiger striped cat cried a million times, then he died. Except this time, he didn’t come back to life.”
-Spike
“Its times like these when I’m sitting in a Vogon Airlock just about to be shot out into space to die of asphyxiation, that I really wished I’d listened to what my mother had told me a as a child.”
“Why, what did she tell you?”
“I don’t know, I didn’t listen!”
-Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy
“Escalators are cool. They can never break, just become stairs.”
-Mitch Hedberg
“I want people to know that nature not only gave us eyes to see her wonders, but brains, to understand them.”
-Galileo Galilee
“There’s a reason why men feel pain more acutely than women, and that’s because women always have a small part of their brain thinking about shoes.”
-Ardal O’Hanlon
“Alcoholism is a disease right? But alcoholism is the only disease I know of that you can be yelled at for having.”
-Mitch Hedberg
“Maybe what makes us human is that we know just enough to think we know where were going.”
-Taken
“The World is made up of the big things that happen, and the small ones. And the part that’s so unfair is that we call them big or small. Because when something happens to you, and you lose something or someone that you care about, that’s all there is. The world may be blowing up around you, but you don’t care about that. You don’t care about that at all.”
-Taken
“I have this idea about why people do the terrible things they do. It’s the same reason why little kids push each other on the schoolyard. If you’re the one doing the pushing, you’re not going to be the one who gets pushed. If you’re the monster, then nothing will be waiting in the shadows to jump out at you. It’s pretty simple, really. People do the things they do, because they’re scared.”
-Taken
“We have finally determined that Canadian bacon is, in fact, ham”
-John Cleese, SNL Skit
“Do you know where they come from, or where they’re going?” “The domain of the King!” “King? What King?” “What do you mean, what King? The King.” “It’s just that you never mentioned a King!” “What?” “I said that you never mentioned a King!” “I didn’t say a King, I said the King.” “Where did he say we were going?” “He said something about a King” “What King?” “That’s what I said. He just said the King.” “I didn’t know there was a the King” “Nor did I” “Except of course for the King. And I don’t suppose he meant him.” “What King” “What do you mean, what King? I don’t know what King. I’m only saying he couldn’t possibly mean the King, so I don’t know what he means” “Ford, I don’t know what you’re talking about.” “ So?”
-Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy
“Look upward, and share the wonders I’ve seen”
-Farscape
“Jet, do you know that there are three things that I particularly hate?" "Really?" "Kids, animals, and women with attitude." "Oh." "So, tell me jet, why do we have all of them neatly gather in our ship!!”
-Jet and Spike, Cowboy Bebop
“My sister has multiple personalities and that’s not funny. But she called me the other day, and my caller id exploded”
-Zack Galphinakis
“If I buy duct tape, the terrorists win!!”
-John Stewart
“I use to play golf. I never got a hole in one, but I did hit a guy. And that’s way more satisfying. Your supposed to yell, ‘Fore!’, but I was too busy muttering, ‘there’s no way that’s gonna hit him’”
-Mitch Hedberg
“If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit”
-Mitch Hedberg
“When someone hands me a flyer, its like saying, ‘Here, you throw this away’”
-Mitch Hedberg
“Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a weak guy, all day. If your wearing a turtleneck and a backpack, its like a midget’s trying to take you down.”
-Mitch Hedberg
“We're three million years into deep space. Where the smeg did I get a traffic cone?”
-Red Dwarf
"Steve offers Kevin pasta at nine. If Steve is 7 years older then pudding, how many liters of candy does it take to get to Denver?"
-Mission Hill
"Why am I here? Because I am an American!!"
-John Chriton
"There is no escape, Scorpius. Even into death. For as you are making your agonizing retreat, I will capture your soul. And with it, everything you know about wormholes.”
-Stark
"I don’t care if its made of your mother's bones. I need to know how to disarm it."
-Scarron Emperor
“Death is just the beginning of one’s journey”
-Scar
“That’s big talk for a dead man”
“I’m not dead”
“Your right. My watch is about 10 seconds fast.”
-Justice League
“I'll stick with Chess, the real game of war.”
-Chaz
One thing you have to learn, my frind. There is always time for a beer”
-D’Argo
“The next time someone starts talking about how bad Vice City is, as though it were the only game in existence, as though game consoles were only capable of that single experience and nothing peripheral to it, I really do want the opportunity to ask them - please, name another game. Name one other game that you know about. No, it's not a trick question. Well, it is, if by "trick question" you mean "question designed to make you look like an idiot." I wonder if they even know that far, far from Vice City, past even the Vice suburbs, the same machine can allow a father and son - separated by three hundred miles and thirty years - the chance to play a round of golf together, for no good reason other than its being Tuesday.”
-Tycho, Penny Arcade
“You already know what the media is saying about it, so I don't need to go into that. They're drawing parallels between their activity and Grand Theft Auto. I am making this note because my position of unwavering criticism of media coverage has been amended to include something else: that there are young men stupid enough to emulate these games. I have a very low opinion of high school, and the sorts of clean, effortlessly beautiful human beings one encounters there. I know that it is a source of torment. And I know that your **** is all tortured, because I've read your poems and seen that rendered skull spinning there on your page with the fire on it. I feel it. I was a black coat and some eyeliner away from emulating your existence. But the second you load a ****ing weapon, I can't empathize with you anymore. I can't protect you. And I can't defend you.”
-Tycho, Penny Arcade
"God, my brilliance is becoming a bit of a burden. Get back to me on that."
-Dr. Cox
“The hatchling walks among us. Are these dreams? Memories? Foretellings? Time and reality swirl together like estuary waters, and we Chozo know not what to believe. She appears as ghostlike as the Chozo, but at times the mists clear. We see her wounded eyes, and remember the child we found so long ago. What has she become, this Newborn? Clad in Chozo armor, wielding weapons our hands once held, does she dream of the Chozo as we once were? Does she long for her parents, lost to the same creatures that even now defile our sacred home? Does she still live?”
-Chozo Lore
“*stretches out in the watch tower, looking over the land of Prayer Forum and glad that the Religious Forum War is over. He pulls out a bottle of beer and sips it, then looks out on the horizon and sees a dust cloud. He pulls out his binoculars and examines the cloud, seeing tanks, artillery, and APC's.* Oh ****, the atheists are coming!”
-Kieran Horn
“Latest research: ~100% of violent criminals have consumed water. Water is therefore responsible for violent crimes.”
-Run
“The boatman's waiting for us, men. I say we make him wait a little longer!”
-Troy
“Oh thoughtless mortals! Ever blind to fate,
Too soon dejected and too soon elate.
Sudden, these honors shall be snatched away,
And cursed forever this victorious day.”
-Alexander Pope
“I like girls. Most of my very best friends are girls. Occasionally I have been known to have something known as a "Girlfriend". Rare and beautiful creatures that massage ego, make cups of tea, and share a good curry/film with you.”
-Martyn
"One day, I would have liked to live in peace, Geb. Thrown away the Cold War rhetoric, the nuclear arsenal, the demonic fiends, the plots and betrayals…I would have lived in a never-ending world with you, and Krig, and Losien, and all the rest of them…can you believe that was the reason I came back from Heaven? Paradise itself? I thought that paradise was here. That we could make it right here, among all the craziness and doughnuts and whatever else popped up. A fool’s idea. But aren’t all of the best ideas seemingly foolish, at first?"
-TLTE
“A fairy tale is a dream”
-Gebohq
“Art, as often said today, is life, but art is not just life. Art is an ever-lasting reality, life is an evanescent reflection.”
-Gebohq
“Relationships don’t work the way they do on television and in the movies. Will they, won’t they, and then they finally do and their happy forever. Give me a break. Nine out of ten of them end because they weren’t right for each other to begin with, and half of the ones that get married get divorced anyway and I’m telling you right now through all this stuff I have not become a cynic, I haven’t. Yes, I do happen to believe that love is mainly about pushing chocolate covered candies and, you know, in some cultures, a chicken. You can call me a sucker; I don’t care, because I do believe in it. Bottom line, couples that are truly right for each other wade through the same crap as everybody else, but the big difference is they don’t let it take them down. One of those two people will stand up and fight for that relationship every time, if its right, and their real lucky. One of them will say something.”
-Dr. Cox
A Knight's Tail
Exile: A Tale of Light in Dark
The Never Ending Story²
"I consume the life essence itself!... Preferably medium rare" - Mauldis
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