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☖ Forums → Discussion Forum → What does your answering machine say?
12
What does your answering machine say?
2006-10-31, 9:25 AM #1
On your cell phone or house phone, it doesn't matter. Mine used to be

Quote:
Hello? Hold on I can't hear you...Hey whats up....Yeah this is pre-recorded.


Today at 2a.m. I got an idea, and now my friends have to listen to a rather lengthy message if they want to leave a message. So I picked up my guitar and strummed a little tune to go with this and I put it on my phone...


Quote:
I'm not here, I'm not here.
So leave a message 'cause I'm not here.

I'm not here so leave a message,
I'm not here to leave a message for me....

So leave me a message after the tone
Just say your name and number into your phone

The number is optional if I know you well
Just leave your name, the numbers in my cell
...already

If I can't see the number and I don't know you
Just give me a call back and dial *82

This way your call will show up on my phone
And your caller ID will no longer be unknown

But then again if you did this to begin
You wouldn't have to call me back

...all over again...

So I'm not here, leave a message and
I'm not here so make it brief...

I'm not here, leave a message and
I'm not here, so leave a message for me
Think while it's still legal.
2006-10-31, 9:27 AM #2
"Welcome to O2 voicemail" or something, probably. I never bothered with it =/
2006-10-31, 9:27 AM #3
Nothing, but I used to have some odd conversation.
Star Wars: TODOA | DXN - Deus Ex: Nihilum
2006-10-31, 9:42 AM #4
"Hi, this is Ian's phone. Ian can't be bothered to pick up right now, so you get to talk to me instead. So start talking.... RIGHT NOOOOW!!!"
"In the beginning, the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and has been widely regarded as a bad move." - Douglas Adams
Are you finding Ling-Ling's head?
Last Stand
2006-10-31, 10:14 AM #5
A lot of voice mail has the option to skip the recorded message and go right to the beep, so if I hear a really long *** message like Victor has, I'd skip it after two seconds then leave him a really long message in return about how long and annoying the recording is, and I'd do it every single time I called and got his voice mail. :P
Pissed Off?
2006-10-31, 10:21 AM #6
Hello, I can't come to the phone right now but go ahead and leave a message.
2006-10-31, 10:23 AM #7
You know, you're gonna have to get over it: But I'm not here right now.
I know, I know. It's difficult. But you leave a message, and I'll call you back, and everything will be ok. I promise.
ᵗʰᵉᵇˢᵍ๒ᵍᵐᵃᶥᶫ∙ᶜᵒᵐ
ᴸᶥᵛᵉ ᴼᵑ ᴬᵈᵃᵐ
2006-10-31, 10:28 AM #8
Originally posted by George:
Believe it or not, George isn't at home.
Please leave a message at the beep.
I must be out, or I'd pick up the phone.
Where could I be?
Believe it or not, I'm not home.


I just have the default one where a woman reads, "You have reached ###-####, please leave a message after the tone." Too lazy to change it.
2006-10-31, 10:30 AM #9
Hithisisroxileaveamessage.

Exactly like that.
"Ford, you're turning into a penguin. Stop it."
2006-10-31, 10:37 AM #10
Leave a message after the beep. BEEEEEEP. hahaha got ya. You suck. Thank you come again.
Was cheated out of lions by happydud
Was cheated out of marriage by sugarless
2006-10-31, 11:50 AM #11
[mp3]http://etc.sorrowind.net/Answering%20Machine%20-%20Mentos.mp3[/mp3]

:v:
2006-10-31, 12:15 PM #12
'911 what's your emergency?'

I get a lot of messages of the sound of people hanging up...
The Massassi-Map
There is no spoon.
2006-10-31, 12:18 PM #13
Thats stupid.


Who the hell wants to listen through 4 minutes of you not being able to sing?
2006-10-31, 12:38 PM #14
Im creating one now, based Poe's The Raven
"If you watch television news, you will know less about the world than if you just drink gin straight out of the bottle."
--Garrison Keillor
2006-10-31, 1:26 PM #15
mine used to say "i have voice mail!(special ed voice) LEAVE ONE!(dark scary evil voice)" but my g/f made me change it. now it says "hi this is rob leave a message" and i sound really bored.
My girlfriend paid a lot of money for that tv; I want to watch ALL OF IT. - JM
2006-10-31, 2:08 PM #16
coughwhippedcough
ᵗʰᵉᵇˢᵍ๒ᵍᵐᵃᶥᶫ∙ᶜᵒᵐ
ᴸᶥᵛᵉ ᴼᵑ ᴬᵈᵃᵐ
2006-10-31, 2:15 PM #17
[QUOTE=Cool Matty][mp3]http://etc.sorrowind.net/Answering%20Machine%20-%20Mentos.mp3[/mp3]

:v:[/QUOTE]

YES!

I've never got Voicemail on so I can't remember my message.

The answer machine in the house has a few self-recorded messages on it though. A favourite is when it somehow changes itself on to the first message my dad tried to create that goes some like this:

"Hi this is Alan, we're not in at the moment annnnnnnnnnnnnd **** I've just completely ballsed this up."
nope.
2006-10-31, 2:24 PM #18
I had an older singsong message that went something like this

[mp3]http://www.zentatsu.com/leaveamessageafterthebeepyeah.mp3[/mp3]

Except with 3 other people providing the beat and a beep sound.
ᵗʰᵉᵇˢᵍ๒ᵍᵐᵃᶥᶫ∙ᶜᵒᵐ
ᴸᶥᵛᵉ ᴼᵑ ᴬᵈᵃᵐ
2006-10-31, 2:37 PM #19
Mine is "Just leave one already"

Although I'm partial to my friends voicemail:

"Hey this is Lucas. I'm not here right now (but I'm sure, you know, that you've figured that out already) but if you leave a message (or don't, I really don't care if you do or not) I'll get back to you (I mean, I'll get back to you if I feel like it and if I like you; I might never get ba - *BEEP*"

..said like he is high, in a philosophical tone. Screw the "I'll get back to you" lies, he tells it like it is.
2006-10-31, 2:38 PM #20
"This is Steven. Leave a message."
2006-10-31, 2:40 PM #21
I haven't been arsed to change it from default, but it would likely be along the lines of "This is an answering machine, you know what to do"
$do || ! $do ; try
try: command not found
Ye Olde Galactic Empire Mission Editor (X-wing, TIE, XvT/BoP, XWA)
2006-10-31, 2:40 PM #22
Another one I used to have was

"I don't even check my messages."

and

"Obviously I don't want to talk to you considering the caller ID dictates my ability to answere the phone."
ᵗʰᵉᵇˢᵍ๒ᵍᵐᵃᶥᶫ∙ᶜᵒᵐ
ᴸᶥᵛᵉ ᴼᵑ ᴬᵈᵃᵐ
2006-10-31, 4:54 PM #23
[quote=Masq quoting George]Believe it or not, George isn't at home.
Please leave a message at the beep.
I must be out, or I'd pick up the phone.
Where could I be?
Believe it or not, I'm not home.[/quote]
Oh God I love Seinfeld I should probably change our answering machine next time I'm home alone..
I had a blog. It sucked.
2006-10-31, 5:11 PM #24
Hey you've reached Jay, you know what to do.
2006-10-31, 5:43 PM #25
Another one I like:

A is for Academics, B is for Beer,
one is the reason that we are not here

Roses are red, cactus are green,
this is the family answering machine

If you'd like to leave a message, that's okay
we're not home we ran away

Leave your name and your number at the tone
and we'll call you back when they drag us home

But if you're a burglar we're not gone at all,
we're cleaning the shotguns and screening your call.
$do || ! $do ; try
try: command not found
Ye Olde Galactic Empire Mission Editor (X-wing, TIE, XvT/BoP, XWA)
2006-10-31, 7:57 PM #26
currently it's:

I'm sorry. You have reached an imaginary number. Please rotate your phone 90 degrees and try again.
Laughing at my spelling herts my feelings. Well laughing is fine actully, but posting about it is not.
2006-10-31, 8:02 PM #27
Hey, you've reached Steph's cell phone. Sorry I can't answer right now but leave a message and I'll call you back if I like you.

something like that anyway. pretty standard, yet I always get confused when I get messages going "you better like me..."
Fincham: Where are you going?
Me: I have no idea
Fincham: I meant where are you sitting. This wasn't an existential question.
2006-10-31, 8:04 PM #28
something like:
[generic telephone voice]
"Welcome to verizon wireless:
[me] Patrick[/me] Is not available. "



then some gibberish


i dont know. i dont call myself much
[01:52] <~Nikumubeki> Because it's MBEGGAR BEGS LIKE A BEGONI.
2006-10-31, 8:05 PM #29
I've been meaning to change it to something along the lines of "KROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!"

Not sure how that'll work out though.
D E A T H
2006-10-31, 8:10 PM #30
[QUOTE=Dj Yoshi]I've been meaning to change it to something along the lines of "KROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!"

Not sure how that'll work out though.[/QUOTE]

I first read that as CROOOOOOOOOOW and was gonna applaud you for your MST3K reference.
2006-10-31, 8:12 PM #31
[QUOTE=Cool Matty]I first read that as CROOOOOOOOOOW and was gonna applaud you for your MST3K reference.[/QUOTE]
that needs to be my new message :P
Fincham: Where are you going?
Me: I have no idea
Fincham: I meant where are you sitting. This wasn't an existential question.
2006-10-31, 8:27 PM #32
Just Cingular's default message with my voice and name instead of the number.

People trying to leave clever or witty messages are annoying. I stayed on the line long enough to leave a message because I probably had something important to say, not because I wanted to listen to you failing to amuse me.
Marsz, marsz, Dąbrowski,
Z ziemi włoskiej do Polski,
Za twoim przewodem
Złączym się z narodem.
2006-10-31, 10:07 PM #33
My current one's pretty generic. At some point I'll probably replace it with a simple "Go."
If you think the waiters are rude, you should see the manager.
2006-10-31, 11:42 PM #34
Used to be a sound clip from Aqua Teen Hunger Force:

"What do you want?! What do you need?! Can I not just live here without occasionally having to deal with you animals?!
"I got kicked off the high school debate team for saying 'Yeah? Well, **** you!'
... I thought I had won."
2006-10-31, 11:54 PM #35
I hate answering machines, and when I try to call somebody and it goes to the answering machine, I automatically hang up before I can even think.

I suppose I have some standard fare from the operator, if it's even active at all. Never used it.
Frozen in the past by ICARUS
2006-11-01, 11:19 AM #36
When I get back home, I am changing the machine to say something other than that generic "Please leave your message after the tone"

I have my dorm phone go like "Hi, you have reached Colin and Zack. We can't get to the phone right now, but leave your name, number, and a brief message, and we'll get back to you as soon as we can. Thanks." Generic maybe, but at least you can tell if you've reached the right number when the machine tells you who it is.
May the mass times acceleration be with you.
2006-11-01, 11:24 AM #37
"I'm either not here, busy, or ignoring you. Pick whatever you find to offend you the least."
2006-11-01, 11:32 AM #38
I still had this on file from a long time ago. :D

Quote:
ANSWERING MACHINE MESSAGES
Me no here. Me go bye. Leave me message. Me reply.
"Suicide Hotline...please hold."
Hellooo....Hellloooo, well if you won't talk to me maybe you'll talk to this machine, it's at home and I'm not, leave a message and it'll give it to me when I return.
Alpha Centauri Space Station. Commander Marlin can't come to the phone right now. He's either saving the universe from some dread, unnamed peril, or perhaps taking a nappie. Leave your name and number after the beep and he will return your call.
(With loud music playing in the background) "Hello... HELLO?? I can't hear you! What?
Oh.. we're not home, leave a message.
Now I lay me down to sleep; Leave a message at the beep. If I should die before I wake, remember to erase the tape.
Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.
"Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep.
" beep " Hello. I am David's answering machine. What are you?"
(Narrator's voice) There Dale sits, reading a magazine. Suddenly the telephone rings! The bathroom explodes into a veritable maelstrom of toilet paper, with Dale in the middle of it, his arms wind milling at incredible speeds! Will he make it in time? Alas no, his valiant effort is in vain. The bell hath sounded. Thou must leave a message.
Hi. This is John:
If you are the phone company, I already sent the money.
If you are my parents, please send money.
If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money.
If you are my friends, you owe me money.
If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.
We're sorry. You have reached an imaginary number. Please rotate your phone 90 degrees and try again.
Hello, this is Susan. I don't live here, so if you were trying to call me, you've dialed the wrong number. On the other hand, if you were trying to call John, Jim, or Eric, please leave your name and number at the tone. I don't guarantee that one of them will call you back -- only that I won't.
This is Dan Cassidy's answering machine. Please leave your name and number, and after I've doctored the tape, your message will implicate you in a federal crime and be brought to the attention of the FBI.v
Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.
Hi. I'm home right now, I'm just screening my calls. So start talking and if you're someone I want to speak with I'll pick up the phone. Otherwise, well, what can I say?
Hello, this is Death. I am not in right now, but if you leave your name and number, I'll be
right with you.
Hi! Jan's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.
You have reached 555-2435. We picked this machine up at a garage sale in "as-is" condition. You can try to leave a message on it, but we are not sure it will be recorded. If we don't return your call, it means the machine did not work.
Greetings, you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency. We know who you are and what you want, so at the sound of the tone, please hang up.
Hi, I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back.
Hi. If you are a burglar, checking to see if anyone is home, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't at home and it's safe to leave us a message.
I'm only here in spirit at the moment, but if you'll leave your name and number, I will get back to you as soon as I'm here in person.
This is you-know who. We are you-know-where. Leave your you-know-what and we'll get back you-know-when.
<Lyme> I got Fight Club for 6.98 at walmart.
<Black_Bishop> I am Jack's low price guarantee
2006-11-01, 11:33 AM #39
I found it amusing in Rent when their answering machine's message was just "SPEEEEEEEEEAK!"

Anyways, I think my voicemail message might be whatever standard it is. If I ever bothered to change it, I don't know what I'd change it too.
The Plothole: a home for amateur, inclusive, collaborative stories
http://forums.theplothole.net
2006-11-01, 11:42 AM #40
[microsoft sam]what up g this is kyle's cell phone. kyle can't pick up his phone right now, so leave a message and kyle will call you back. later homie.[/microsoft sam]
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