Over the last couple of years I've had somewhat of a sad tradition of going nuts renting DVDs whenever my wife goes on a field trip for work and I'm looking to kill time. Since I'm not back at work till next week, I had plenty of time to butcher.

Now the DVDs I then rent are typically not the top shelf material but more the leftover movies I kinda wanted to see and never got around to it or, more likely, utter crap that I want to laugh at. Then I usually just post mini-reviews of this tragic little marathon on the BCF but I figured I'd post it here too for once.

Feel free to join in posting mini-reviews of your latest rentals.

Movie: Underworld
What I'd heard about it: Reviews were iffy at best, but a few -ites seemed to like it...though I always suspected that was likely due to Kate Beckinsdale pouting around in tight leather.
Motivation for finally seeing it: I honestly don't know as I typically don't like vampire movies and also don't really like the leads.
What it was actually like: Well bugger me it was actually fairly good. Very stylish and the story actually had interesting elements which was a real shock for what I thought would be a low rate action movie.
Positives: Depth a nice surprise. Decent action and performances. Looked great.
Negatives: Too many slow-mo action shots. Werewolf CG was not wonderful.
Rating: 3 ½ out of 5 pints of your finest red.

--------------------------

Movie: Torque
What I'd heard about it: Fast and the Furious on bikes. Sucks hard.
Motivation for finally seeing it: I wanted something stupid and the cover promised bucket loads.
What it was actually like: Within the first 5 minutes of this movie there was more ridiculous male **** waving than two hours of bad German porn. If the producers could have gotten away with the actors having sex with the bikes without changing the rating they would have. I think you'd really need to have an absurdly high level of testosterone and no female contact in living memory to truly appreciate this film. The director subscribes to the new breed of action movie direction that frowns heavily on camera shots lasting longer than 0.5 seconds.
Positives: One good action scene involving what has to be the longest passenger train in the ****ing world. Um what else, Martin Henderson > Paul Walker? Yeah that's about it.
Negatives: Everything else. Most notably the final chase scene is so blindingly incoherent that I'm still not sure how exactly the bad guy died. It's like they filmed the chase, realized it sucked, then somehow concluded speeding it up 50x would make it better.
Rating: 1 ½ out of 5 pointlessly gyrating women

--------------------------

Movie: Open Range
What I'd heard about it: Not much except that it was received well with most critics.
Motivation for finally seeing it: Despite my usual aversion to new Kevin Costner movies (the U.N.’s failure to act with regard to the release of The Postman is easily their most disgraceful lapse ever), I took a chance.
What it was actually like: It’s good to see Costner hasn’t completely lost his touch. This isn’t an overly complex story at all, but the execution is for the most part spot on. It builds very slowly towards a final confrontation which was frankly bad ass.
Positives: Good acting. Nice cinematography. Simply a well told tale.
Negatives: Love story wasn’t entirely convincing.
Rating: 4 out of 5 tumbling tumbleweeds

--------------------------

Movie: Final Destination 2
What I'd heard about it: Zero
Motivation for finally seeing it: I enjoyed the first one. Death is a cruel master.
What it was actually like: There really is a strong sadist streak in me as I just laughed my ass off through most of this movie. There is literally nothing to this flick but really cool death scenes and hey, that’s enough for me. I love Death, he’s just ****ing awesome. He usually tries to get them with the relatively painless and non-messy methods first, but as they fail he just decides, “**** this, grisly decapitation for you.” I like that can-do attitude.
Positives: Absurdly complex death after absurdly complex death. I think the barbed wire fence scene was my fav.
Negatives: They waste five minutes late in the film trying to develop a plot when they could have been crushing people under falling open crates of chainsaws or something.
Rating: 4 out of 5 annoying little ****s getting pancaked into the sidewalk

--------------------------

Movie: 2 Fast 2 Furious
What I'd heard about it: As stupid as the original.
Motivation for finally seeing it: Not sure….Torque certainly filled my usual quota for idiocy, I guess I was just in a particularly masochistic mood.
What it was actually like: How Paul Walker gets acting gigs is one of the truly perplexing questions of our time. He’s like Keanu Reeves with less talent. How the everloving **** that is possible is question #2 on the list. Incredibly this was worse than Torque as even the action sucked hard. I never thought I’d say this, but I missed Vin Diesel.
Positives: It was short, even the actors seemed to want to leave as soon as possible.
Negatives: *
Rating: 1 out of 5 Paul Walker facial expressions, that’s his limit.

--------------------------

Movie: The Last Samurai
What I'd heard about it: Pretty decent in general.
Motivation for finally seeing it: I’m one of those many people who have a severe allergy to Tom Cruise. However I learnt with Minority Report that it is in fact possible for his overwhelming dullness not to ruin a movie, so here we are…
What it was actually like: I wanted to like this movie, I really did. It looked gorgeous and the acting was first-rate but, dammit, it was just so goddamn predictable. Like mind numbingly predictable. Nothing surprised me; it was formulaic to the extreme. It wasn’t long till I found my attention wavering. Disappointing.
Positives: Good acting. Beautifully shot.
Negatives: Did I mention it was predictable?
Rating: 2 ½ out of 5 shruikens embedded in Tom Cruise’s frontal lobe (I wish)

--------------------------

Movie: Welcome to the Jungle (…er…which I’ve just discovered is called ‘The Rundown’ in the U.S…..the ****? Stupid studio)
What I'd heard about it: The cover screamed “A GREAT ACTION RIDE” and that was my one and only source of info going in.
Motivation for finally seeing it: Still not sold on The Rock as an actor, but I like Stiffler….or whatever his name is. Then again, Bulletproof Monk (Stiffler) and The Scorpion King (The Rock) were two of the most painful movie experiences I’ve ever had. Gulp.
What it was actually like: Enjoyably forgettable, up to a point. No story whatsoever, but a few decent action scenes. They correctly avoided trying to force an awkward romance scenario into the mix. Not huge laughs but humorous enough to keep a smile on your face.
Positives: Stiffler and The Rock actually worked well together. Go figure.
Negatives: End action scene was a let down. The kind of movie you’re struggling to recall a day or so after watching it….like I am…right now…trying to write this.
Rating: 3 out of 5 dangerously undersexed nymphomaniac monkeys

--------------------------


------------------
Cantina Cloud | BCF | The Massassian 1, 2 & 3 | Gonkmeg
Corrupting the kiddies since '97

Underworld was horrid. My friends dragged me to the theater to see it when it came out. Just a bunch of blood and a crappy plot.

2.5/5 for The Last Samurai, come on!
I HATE Tom Cruise, but I made myself see this movie, and I really loved it. Great acting, wonderful scenery/setting, good fight scenes. It was predictble, but meh, what are you going to do?


------------------
ZGPC

Go to the theatre and watch I,Robot. That is an awesome movie. "aaachhoooo...sorry, I'm allergic to bul****."

------------------
Kieran: The reason I put a link to it is because she is in underwear and I know the admins are touchy on that.
Yecti: Jaiph will touch himself for hours if he so much as smells a woman's underwear

[This message has been edited by Kieran Horn (edited July 21, 2004).]

That was an awesome line. The whole theater burst out laughing when I saw it



------------------
ZGPC

Jaiph read my mind in regards to Underworld. As for the rest of the movies, haven't seen 'em. Don't really have any particular drive to, though Jaiph's rendition of Final Destination(2) peaked my curiosity.

More importantly however, reading this stuff was great How much do I have to pay you to start writing on the ISB? Er--whoops, thinking outloud again...

------------------
Check out the following stories over at the Interactive Story Board:
The Never-ending Story Thread or visit the new webcomic version!
The Vision Cycle series
Featured Story: Scions of Light

Best thing about Welcome to the Jungle was Christopher Walken. By far. That guy just cracks me up.

------------------
The Massassi-Map
There is no spoon.

Movie: Master And Commander
What I'd heard about it: Generally very good, some academy award nominations
Motivation for finally seeing it: Bourne Identity out, Equilibrium out, Spiderman 2 PS2 out, 14 copies of Master and Commander GUARANTEED by blockbuster.
What it was actually like: Boring, uninteresting, completely failing to keep my attention.
Positives: Some decent soundtrack, some interesting characters (the doctor).
Negatives: Bad/repetitive action, pointless side-scenes, everything not mentioned in "positive".
Rating: 2/5 roaring cannons

[This message has been edited by Connection Problem (edited July 21, 2004).]

Master and Commander wasn't that bad

------------------
I'm not an actor. I just play one on TV.

The Bourne Supremacy comes out on friday in the US, can't wait to see that

------------------
ZGPC

Anyone that finds M&C boring needs to be shot. That was a 5/5 masterpiece. Damn kids today and their action packed "no plot" movies, can't appreaciate a brilliant film

------------------
(>º_º)> ±h³ ѳv³®-£ⁿd¡תּ9 §±ºr¥ <(º_º<) | (>º_º)> תּℓζ ШǿѓЖ§|-Юρ <(º_º<)

Yeah I loved that movie... so much I started to read the book on a plane once but then the plane landed and I haven't found the time to read it anymore.
(well actually not the same book as the movie ("to the ends of the earth" or something like that?), but the first one in the series "Master and Commander")

------------------
Do you have stairs in your house?

[This message has been edited by Correction (edited July 21, 2004).]

Wait a second? What's this? SAJN insulting my patience or maturity?


...Never thought I'd see the day.


I expected to enjoy Master and Commander. I usually like films that others would consider a bore, but I was sadly mistaken this time.

"No plot" movies? You don't even know what kind of movies I like. The plot for Master and Commander wasn't the most intricately spun web itself, was it?

My post had nothing to do with patience or maturity, way to insult me though. Besides my post wasn't aimed at anyone. I pointed out how people would rather watch no plot action films then a movie with good acting and a plot.

------------------
(>º_º)> ±h³ ѳv³®-£ⁿd¡תּ9 §±ºr¥ <(º_º< ) | (>º_º)> תּℓζ ШǿѓЖ§|-Юρ <(º_º< )

[This message has been edited by SAJN_Master (edited July 21, 2004).]

Jaiph: the werewolves in Underworld weren't CG, they were all costumes, or are you just referring to the transitions?.

Regardless of that, my breakdown:
Vampires = +2
Werewolves = +1
Vampires vs Werewolves = +4
Black leather = +2
Kate Beckinsale = +6
Black leather + Kate Beckinsale = +12
Vampiric black leather clad Kate Beckinsale fighting werewolves = + lots

I was always going to love this movie. I have a thing for vampires, werewolves and brunette women


------------------
Run: forgetting passwords and stuffing up profiles on a regular basis.

Movie: Dawn of the Dead


I watched it at my friend's house (it's his disc) never mind that it's not out on DVD until October, if you catch my meaning.

What i'd heard about it: Not squat

Plot: Basically a few people wake up one morning to find that most of the populace has been reduced to growling, mindless zombies. (How or why this zombie problem happened was never explained.) To escape being eaten alive, the few surviving humans took refuge in a mall. The most obvious plot hole (other than the completely omitted explanation of the origin of the problem) is that they got into the mall by smashing a window, yet the rest of the windows hapened to be shatterproof for some reason. Probably to keep the zombies out. Mighty convenient how the survivors found a breakable window, but the zombies seemed unable to find it. I know zombies are usually pretty stupid, but this is basic stuff. Anyway...)

Movie experience: blood. lots of blood. guns.
Lots of guns and scenes of former humans getting clipped in the head. I can only hope doom3 will be like this. There was even a chainsaw used at one point. The movie was more or less mindless violence, but well done mindless violence. I'm not going to spoil the ending, but it's worth it to watch the credits this time. To enjoy this movie, you have to think like a zombie: i.e. not at all.
Just sit back and watch the gore.

Positives: High body count. Makes Krinkel's Madness Redeemer series look like nothing. There was also an exploding tank of propane thrown into a crowd of zombies that made life interesting briefly.

negatives: zombies don't look that scary (they act like drunk people with blood all over them, and aren't that rotted looking) and the movie isn't that scary b/c a lot of it takes place in broad daylight. i know it's DAWN of the dead, but would it have killed them to have a scary night scene?

Rating: 3 body parts out of 5

------------------
I have found that you can transform your character solely by the power of belief: as you believe yourself to be, so you shall become over time.




[This message has been edited by Pagewizard_YKS (edited July 22, 2004).]

/end overreaction, heading for happy hour.

I thought M&C was pretty boring. It just dragged out on for too long with not much happening.

------------------
/fluffle