So this summer I'm a lot associate at Home Depot (or I was until today, I got up the courage to quit early). Anyways I'm loading this old lady's car and she's talking my ear off about her five children and seventeen grandchildren and four great-grandchildren (she looked about eighty). So I'm listening to her story as I attempt to tie the trunk shut but the latch is recessed or something and I can't quite get the rope around it with my fingers. The grandma notices and says "here, use this" and hands me a little battery clip on the end of a shortened bicycle spoke.

"It's my roach-clip."

(responded to a motor vehicle accident- lady backed into a parked delivery van)

A (50yo) lady (with her 9yo daughter) asked what was behind my gun, saying that it looked like a baton. I told her that it's a baton (surprise!). She then proceeds to explain to her daughter that batons are passed from person to person while running races, etc. When my partner explained that they're used to hit people, defend ourselves and occasionally break windows when needed, she covered her kid's ears like we were cursing or something.

And, as she's driving away...'I don't really see how it could be my fault...I know I was the only one driving, but the van shouldn't have been parked there..'

You.
Hit.
A.
Parked.
Vehicle.

...

bah.

I was guarding one morning the YMCA. It was right before an aerobics class, which basically consists of a bunch of crabby old ladies sitting around not doing their exorcises and complaining that the sauna level water temperatures are too cold. Anyway, a couple of them usually arrive a little early while it's still open swim for the kids.

One of them comes over to me and starts complaining because I didn't make some of the kids take a shower before entering the pool. (This is not ever enforced at any pool ever.) I explain that we usually leave that up to parents, because it's just about impossible to consistently monitor that kind of thing, and that the pool chemicals are more than capable of keeping the pool clean. (Trust me, people showering before entering is the LAST thing you have to worry about when it comes to contaminates.) She then grouses about kids having too many germs and making her sick, but eventually gets in the pool. Five minutes later I glanced at her and noticed something about her that I didn't before. Her hair was perfectly dry, and her swim suit had been as well. She had never taken a shower herself! I was pissed, but it was too late at that point to make her get back out and take a shower.

Aerobics ladies can be some of the most obnoxious people on earth. They constantly whine and complain about everything even when it's usually their own fault. Even when they share the pool with lap swimmers they insist on having the temperatures at unhealthy levels so they can gossip with their friends without working out. They also will show up early during the kids swim times, barge into a group of playing kids and then whine at the life guard when their oh so precious hair is splashed.

This guy wanted to return a PSP without a receipt.

That's not going to happen, ever, but I decide to humor the guy. Little did he know I had a computer system that allowed me to type in the PSP's serial number and it could possibly tell me some information about it. Turns out this guy had bought the thing at a competitor more than three months earlier.

"Uh, sir, you bought this at Toys R Us more than three months ago."

The look on his face was priceless. He didn't say a word, just packed up his crap and left.

i had an extra piece of equipment i needed to put on my machine. when i tried putting it in place it would't go on. after messing with that for a while i decided to get serious and went to get me a sedge hammer and proceeded to knock the crap out of it until it went on all the way.
then i found out there was a piece that was supposed to be down that was up and that's why it wouldn't go on. so i had to knock the crap out of it again to get it off, lowered the other piece and she slid right on.
at least my assistant thought that was funny."

Could that have been any more ambiguous?

oh my, yes

One time back when I detailed cars in highschool, me and my buddy were cleaning some cars for the local dealership in the garage, blasting Bjork, and the dealership big wigs came to visit. They just stood puzzled til our boss came out and *****ed at us to "shut that **** off". It was quite humorous.

i wanna share more.

a guy got taken out by EMTs after passing out and saying he saw a cockroach that looked like his kids.
another guy later told me "i've seen his kids, they do look like cockroaches"

i wore an ozzfest shirt once and spent 8 hours with a phycho yelling at me about how ozzy sucked and dio was better (after he spray painted the whole machine black)

a guy went to a court date while clocked in and was sent to jail, they had to pay him for being in jail, and quickly made a new rule so you have to clock out to leave company property.

my old feeder dropped his motorcycle at 80mph, tore up his back and arms. 2 weeks later he totaled a new one, lost his lisence.

i used to work with a guy who had a dog named Bologna because he said that's what he tasted like.

Your non-sequitur posting inspired me to research your lawnmower proctologist name.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4rBbRXYlG3Y
Not so much a story, but it was certainly hilarious at the time

Last semester, I picked up a work/study job as an assistant secretary. My boss wanted me to call office max to find out a serial number for a particular item. I was still a bit new to using the office phone, but I recalled from what my boss told me that you dial "9" if you want to dial out, and then you dial "1" if it's not local. Still being very new, and not being 100% sure of this, I double checked with my boss after she handed me the catalog with the number. "So, I hit '9' to dial out, and then '1' if it's not local." She nodded and got back to what she was doing.

The number she had told me to call was a 1-800 number. Not thinking, mostly because she had already confirmed what to do (even though I am still to blame), I dialed "9" to dial out, "1" because it wasn't local, and then proceeded to dial the "1-800" number. The phone started to ring. Weird, I thought. I had had this sort of problem when accidentally pressing the wrong numbers to dial out before, so it didn't even register what I was doing. So I hung up, and redid the same thing. Naturally, the phone rang a second time. "Son of a *****," I thought. Hanging up, I retried it, and by some fluke, I got it correct, had a nice conversation with an office max employee, got the information, hung up, and resumed my other work.

Within the next minute or so, there was a campus police officer standing in the door way. "We just had two hang up 911 phone calls from this office, is everything alright?" My heart dropped, my face went red, and I felt extremely stupid. "He did it," my boss said. My face getting even more red, he smiled, not even asking what had happened, and said, "Remember, when you dial a 1-800 number you dial '9', '1', and then '800.'" He left, and I felt very relieved that I wasn't in more trouble. My boss gave me the ugliest look and avoided talking to me for the rest of the day.

One summer I worked at a carpet shop owned by a family friend. The bulk of the work involved shifting 4m long rolls of carpet up to 3 feet in diameter; they can weigh around 700 lbs.

One day we had a shipment of new rolls and my dyspraxic younger brother happened to be working that day too. So we worked at getting as many of these new rolls into the display rack as possible, shifting all the rolls as close together as possible. We lifted one of the big ones between four of us and put it on our shoulders and then dropped it into the hooks on the rack and started to walk away when we heard a muffled "MWWRGHGHGFFFWWMMM!".

My brother had lent over the roll as he put it down and now his head was stuck between the giant soft rolls like he'd been sucked into an enormous mangler. His arms were flailing all over the place and he was kicking and shoving but he was completely trapped. We stopped and laughed at him for a bit before lifting off the roll and letting him free. He popped out all wild-eyed and bushy haired and with the marks of carpet pile pressed into his cheeks and we fell about laughing all over again

I have a coworker whose English is not his first language (Vietnamese is). So he's typing up an e-mail to one of the Multiple Listing Services that we use. He misspells a word but since he didn't know what it was, he thought that his e-mail was ok. I mean spell check was good? This is what he typed: "We apologize for any incontinences this may have caused"

The moment I read that, I couldn't stop laughing for 10 minutes. I imagine the blokes at the MLS were doing the same thing. I felt kind of bad for laughing since he didn't know what that meant but, ****, was that ever so funny.

^ laughed so hardthey **** themselves. Ha...........Ha............Ha.

This used to happen to people all the time at the Daily.

There was this girl (who i shall refer to as ipod girl even though Ill type out the story later) who was my "assistant manager" at the snack bar i worked at. She was fairly dumb. Really dumb even.

Anyway, she was deathly afraid of bugs. So one day as a joke i took a pencil and started making broad gestures as I "snuck up" on her. She should have known I was coming up to her. I was stamping my feet and waving my arms in the air. Oh and I was making wooshing sounds like the pencil was flying slow motion through the air.
soo.... I poked her ear with the eraser. I thought maybe she would swat her ear........ Nope. She ran out the door of the place spinning in circles swatting her head and screaming while her glasses flew off about 5 feet into the bushes. Needless to say we were all laughing hysterically.

About an hour later I walked up to her and said "uh.. I think you have a cougar on your back."
She goes "huh?"
So I responded calmly "You have a cougar on your ba--"

She ran out screaming again trying to get it off her back. The cougar. Which in case you didnt know is a large cat. And in case you didnt know, I was only joking because there was clearly not a cougar on her back....

Those sorts of people aren't dumb, mb. They're handicapped.

That reminds me of this one time I was hiking with my boy scout troop. There was this kid named Michael who was terrified of bees. Anyway, they were sort of flying near him and he was so scared he literally threw his rolled-up sleeping bag. At the bees. Over a 100-foot cliff. And for some reason, the scout master walked down to get it instead of him.

He never lived that one down.

During a particularly slow club night, me and a co-worker were asked to go and clean out the cellar (two of three lads working that night, can't ask girls to move kegs...). When we get down there, we see there's a fair bit to shift. I tell him to start moving the empty kegs up to the door, I'll start taking them outside to the pick-up and delivery point. This goes well until we're on to the very last empties. As I'm coming back from outside, I hear him giggling inside the cellar. Warily, I stepped through the door and saw him dripping from head to toe. Literally soaked through and laughing like a lunatic. When he sees me, the only thing he says is "The hose snapped..."

While I'd been taking the last kegs out, he'd started to move the remaining kegs closer to the pumps on the wall to make the place neater. One of the connecting hoses that plugs into the top of the kegs had been frayed right near the connector, and as he'd moved the keg it had twisted and finally gave way, shooting about 12 pints of pressurised Strongbow into his face, and up onto the ceiling. Thankfully he'd kept the presence of mind to shut the valve when it happened rather than let the whole keg empty itself into his face, but I still remind him of the "Strongbow Keg Incident of '07" fairly regularly.


I need to try that cougar joke on some of the people at our place.

I nearly got chopped to bits or crushed by about 20 falling metal sheets last week, when the the racking collapsed near me. I was lucky and they slid past me and landed about a feet away.

The dumbass you placed those sheets on such a week rack was fired the next day after I filed a complaint.

I used to work as an abseiler.
Mostly we did repairs to sides of buildings, be it re-patching paint, fixing leaks, whatever.
This didn't happen to me, but one of my fellow abseilers, he got attacked whilst hanging off the side of a building.... by a seagull.
It just flew right to him and started beating him with it's wings, pecked a little too but didn't actually harm him. Just scared the crap out of him some 20 stories up.

I thought this was pretty funny... I was working at a SilverCity Theater here in Edmonton as a team leader, its about 11pm and we're closing up the concession stands and me and another team leader are stuck cleaning it ourselves since the staff called in or no-showed.

Anywho, we're talking and my buddy is a huge nerd and he downloaded the entire series of Power Rangers, the original series. so were we talking and we started singing the theme song... Go Go Power rangers.... the whole deal... and my buddy is an awesome singer so he gets into it and starts singing away when a customer walks by and yells into the stand, "LOOSER!" and without thinking I just turn around and yell out, "Screw you!" in the middle of a busy lobby as theaters are exiting.

Also, on my last day, at around midnight me and that same buddy took packets of flavored salts for popcorn and had a giant war around the lobby and in the concession stand, by the end of it I was covered in ketchup and dill pickle... he was covered head to toe in ketchup and white cheddar.... the war only ended in a large poof of salt when theaters started to exit... lol, the salt wasn't even settled on the ground and there was still a cloud in the lobby when customer were coming out.

My last day working at an Italian Restaurant, my friend and I decided to play joke on the pizza guy. We got the waiter to give him a ticket for a to-go small pizza with around 14 toppings. Roasted red pepper, green pepper, pepperoni, artichokes, anchovies, black olives, mushrooms, etc, etc, basically anything we could find in the kitchen. When he saw the ticket he immediately started *****ing about what kind of a jerk would order a small pizza with that many toppings.

(Note: it's not uncommon for pizza places to have a conveyor belt on which to cook pizzas, but this being a more old fashioned restaurant, and not a pure pizza place, we still did it the old school way--roll out the dough, place it on a wooden peel, place all the toppings on it, and shuffle it into the oven. The more toppings, (particularly on a small pizza) the more likely you are to spill stuff on the inside of the oven, which, because the vents above the pizza oven were broken, would cause smoke to billow across the kitchen onto the side that had working vents. This was something I had done several times, and it didn't really help my relationship with the head chef/my boss.)

After he finally was able to successfully cook it, he proudly placed it in a box and put it on the kitchen/dining room window for it to be picked up. My partner in crime, who had been talking to him, walked out of the kitchen, picked up the pizza, and took it to the nearest table. Making sure the pizza guy could see, he began to eat a slice. Not having seen this happening, I entered the kitchen, began to ask the pizza guy how it was coming. Before I could get the entire question out of my mouth, he responded, "**** you."

At an old job I worked at a manager of mine spoke quickly to an old couple and as they were walking away he muttered "****ing Jews always trying to get something for nothing"