Things are getting a little crazy around here so I thought I'd post a joke I heard today. Enjoy.

A drunk had been at a pub all night. At last call, the drunk stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time, to the same result.

He figured he'd crawl outside to get some fresh air, since maybe that would sober him up. Once outside, he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the four blocks to his house.

When he arrived at the door he stood up and again fell flat on his face.

He crawled through the door and into his bedroom. When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up.

This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed and was sound asleep the second his head hit the pillow.

He was awakened the next morning by his wife shouting, "So you've been out drinking again, have you?!"

"No! What makes you say that?" he asked, putting on his best innocent expression.

"The pub called... you forgot your wheelchair again."

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hehe

A red boat and a blue boat were sailing in the sea near each other. They accidentally collide and the boats sink.

What happens to the crew?

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They're marooned

*cues the groans *

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/fluffle

Heh, both pretty funny. I've heard some variation of the marooned one before, but it's funny every time.

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Have a good one,
Freelancer

What do you call a squiggly in a pile of leaves?

Russell.

--

Have you heard the one about the troll?

No...

Neither have I.

--

Why do trolls only swim upside down?

I think it's so they don't tread on the fish.

--

How do you stop a squiggly from drowning?

Take yer foot off his head.

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Wise men say that fools rush in where angels fear to tread, so look before you leap, so to speak, because the grass is not always greener on the other side of the hill.

How do you get a dead baby into a bowl?

A blender.

How do you get a dead baby out of a bowl?

Nacho chips!

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Four dimensions, four fundamental forces... coincidence?

Dead baby jokes are some of the stupidest jokes in the world.

"Hi, I'm trying to be morbid. [insert dead baby joke here]. Haha, it's funny but wrong! Pay attention to me."

JediKirby

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jEDIkIRBY - Putting the Romance back into Necromancer.
Proud Leader of the Minnessassian Council

Live on, Adam.

Are you in a bad mood or something?

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WOOSH|-----@%

Sounds like JK needs dead baby jokes!

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Wise men say that fools rush in where angels fear to tread, so look before you leap, so to speak, because the grass is not always greener on the other side of the hill.

What goes "aaaa"?

A sheep with no lips.

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Why did the girl fall off the swing?
She had no arms.

I'll keep my dead babies to myself because I can't be arsed with the whining.

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If at first you don't succeed, lower your standards.

That, sadly enough, made me laugh a lot longer, and a lot harder than I really should have. It's just, the image of a goat with no lips trying to 'baa' is just beautiful.

(Oh, and I just hate Dead Baby Jokes, nothing against kyle. I just know a lot of people who make dead baby jokes that are only seeking attention by trying to be all morbid)

JediKirby

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jEDIkIRBY - Putting the Romance back into Necromancer.
Proud Leader of the Minnessassian Council

Live on, Adam.

What's really funny, is that dead baby jokes are the tip of my morbid repertoire (sp?!)...

My best (worst?) jokes would get be bandibled before you could say [snip!]

[This message has been edited by Martyn before he could say something stupid and regret it]

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If at first you don't succeed, lower your standards.

Looks like we need more dead baby jokes!

What's worse than three dead babies in a garbage can?

One dead baby in three garbage cans!


What's funnier than a dead baby?

A dead baby in a clown suit!


What's the difference between a pile of dead babies and a pile of bricks?

You can't move a pile of bricks with a pitchfork!


What's the difference between a pile of dead babies and a Ferarri?

I don't have a Ferarri in my garage!


How many dead babies does it take to paint a house?

Depends how hard you throw them!


etc, etc.

Damn, I heard a really good one the other day and now I can't remember it!

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Four dimensions, four fundamental forces... coincidence?

Okay admins, edit this one out if you find it too offensive but I heard it today and had to share it:

An American, Ozzie and Chinese man have survived a shipwreck and now find themselves stranded on a lone island in the middle of the ocean. The American predictably takes charge, ordering the Ozzie to go and scout out the area whilst he builds camp. He also tells the Chinese man to sort out supplies.

Time passes and the Ozzie finishes his recon and the American has sorted out camp, but the Chinese man is nowhere to be seen. They search for a while and are unable to locate him. It's getting dark so they turn in for the night and awake early and continue their hunt.

They haven't been walking long when there is a rustle of undergrowth and the Chinese man leaps in front of them and yells "SUPPLIES!"




Okay next up, Irish jokes, and since I'm part Irish, don't complain:

There are two Irish friends walking down the street looking for work when they happen across a sawmill. Outside it says 'tree fellers wanted.' "Jaysus that sure is a pity," says one, "there're only two of us!"

Paddy is sitting in his local enjoying a pint when the phone behind the bar rings. "Hello?" The bartender answers. "Right... yes he is... what? Really? I'll get him for ya... Paddy? Paddy it's for you..." "Emm... hello?" Paddy says. For a few moments there is only the faint mutter of the person on the other end speaking; Paddy's eyes well up and he says "Okay... thanks... bye." Putting the phone down he bursts into tears. "Paddy what's wrong?" The bartender asks. "That was me mother," he wailed, "me father's just died." "Oh Jaysus Paddy that's terrible it is, have a pint on the house." The bartender consoles him. As he's about to pull Paddy another pint, the phone rings again, Paddy once again being in demand. Another conversation follows and ends with Paddy once again breaking down into tears. "Now what?" Asks the bartender. "That was me brother," cried Paddy, "his father just died as well!"


Three men are in training to join the SAS but little do they know that there's only one more slot left to fill in the squad. The men, an Englishman, Scotsman and Irishman, are all summoned to the General's office for an unusual method of selection. The Englishman is called in first. The General hands him a pistol, tells him his wife is in the next room and that all he has to do is shoot her to be admitted. The Englishman goes in, but appears a few moments after unable to carry this through. He is dismissed. The Scotsman is asked to do the same, and, like the Englishman, bottles out. The Irishman, upon being summoned, seizes the pistol from the General and runs into the next room. There is the sound of a clip being emptied, and then the sound of a struggle followed finally be a dying scream from the Irishman's wife. "Good Lord! What on Earth happened?" Enquired the General. "Some eejit put blanks in the gun," the Irishman said, "so I strangled her instead!"


Three men, an Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman are a team of painters on the Forth Bridge in Scotland. For those of you that don't know this particular bridge, it is such a bridge that, when you've finished painting it, it's time to paint it again, so it's a job that never gets finished. Having worked together for so long, the three are great friends and eat lunch together. One day, like always, they open their lunches with dismay. "Bollocks," storms the Englishman, "cheese again. If I get cheese ONCE more I SWEAR I'm going to jump off this bridge." "Och Haggis AGAIN" roars the Scotsman, "If I get Haggis one more flamin time I'll jump off this bridge!" "Feck's sake, boiled bacon again, if I get boiled bloody bacon one more time I'll jump off this bridge." The Irishman curses. So lunchtime comes around the next day, and, looking expectant but slightly nervous, the trio open their lunches... "Oh my God wow! Ham! The wife packed me ham!" The Englishman said delightedly, tearing into his sandwhich. "Aye that's it! Tunafish! Me lassie did me tunafish!" The Scotsman roars contentedly, also eating his lunch with aplomb. "For f**k's sake," the Irishman says angrily, "boiled bloody bacon again." Without another word he leaps off the bridge and dies. "Erm... whoa..." the Englishman said after a few moments. "Och... I did nae think e'd do that..." The Scotsman was taken aback. "No... no..." The Englishman replied, "It's just... I know for a fact he makes his own sandwiches..."

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Fire Pretty - Graz's Armoury - (That's my blog...)

The Soviet Bunker - (That's my forum...)

"Thou shalt not steal. (Because the government doesn't like competition!)"

How to keep an idiot busy: See below
How to keep an idiot busy: See above

[This message has been edited by Gee_4ce (edited August 13, 2004).]

that last one was the best....

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I heard someone say once that the world is a fine place and that it was worth fighting for....I agree with the last part.

People of our generation should not be subjected to mornings.

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