Overview

A neckbeard

Neckbeard! The word has become synonymous with shutins, poopsocking, and all around creepy nerdiness. Also known as the underbeard, this terrifying form of facial hair is an inescapable part of modern life.

For the record, unlike most types of beards and haircuts, there is NOBODY who looks good with one. The only reason anyone has a neckbeard is that they lack the social grace and self-awareness to realize that it looks horrendous. That is why the majority of people with neckbeards are huge nerds.

How to Identify a Neckbeard

A particularly wispy and disgusting neckbeard

The neckbeard has one very simple defining characteristic: it exists exclusively below the jawline. Although some neckbeards will turn into sideburns on the sides of the head, the rest will be unable to breach the perimeter of the face.

If you see a beard that grows both above the jawline (at least an inch) and below, it is not a neckbeard. It is simply a gross, ratty beard. Please keep that in mind in order to avoid misidentification.

History of the Neckbeard

An ancient neckbeard

Neckbeards have existed since the dawn of humanity. In past eras, they were sometimes considered acceptable. Indeed, some backwards groups such as the Amish and fundamentalist Muslims actually encourage the growth of frighteningly massive neckbeards:


Sadly, there will probably always be one culture or another that tolerates this kind of rape of the art of beard-growing.

Physiology of the Neckbeard

The neckbeard is often accompanied by its cousin, the pubestache

Some may ask: "why neckbeards? Why not some other part of the face?" The answer is quite simple, and should be obvious to anyone who has or is going through puberty.

When people begin to get facial hair, it first begins to appear on the neck, rather than the face. Gradually, over many years, the beard-line crawls upward. Where it finally stops depends on the manliness of the individual person. Some people are never able to grow anything other than a neckbeard. Some people's beards go almost up to their eyes.

Someone who is proud of his new ability to grow facial hair, but too thick to realize that said hair is not, in fact, on his face, might elect to let it grow out. This results in a neckbeard, and the person is shunned.

How to Deal With Neckbeards

Anyone have a neckbeard

If you or someone you know has a neckbeard, there is really only one way to solve the problem: shave it. Get rid of it completely. No one is impressed by your ability to grow hair on your neck. While a beard normally adds to your manliness quotient, a neckbeard does not, and even detracts from a number of other stats, such as likability, general attractiveness, and perceived hygiene. If you want a beard, you will have to be patient, and hope that God grants you a lush beard when you grow up. This may not happen until you are out of high school.

The Chinstrap: Cousin of the Neckbeard

A guy with a chinstrap

A beard that can sometimes be mistaken for a neckbeard, but is not a true neckbeard, is the chinstrap. This beard is most commonly sported by white hip-hop nerds. The reason for this is simple: they wish to emulate the style of beard popularized by rappers:

50 Cent models the Rapper Beard

Unfortunately, a problem common in white people is inability to connect the mustache with their surrounding beard. This mustache-connecting problem can be temporary, if the wearer is still going through puberty, but many are never able to connect the mustache and the beard. While some accept this and grow a horrific pubstache, others simply shave the upper lip, leaving the aforementioned chinstrap in its purest form.


The mustache-chinstrap problem

The Future of the Neckbeard
Lately, it seems neckbeards have been on the decline. While this is for the better, the question remains: why? I would suggest that it's thanks in large part to the internet. The coining of the word, and the massive stigma against it, especially on boards like Something Awful in the late 90s and early 00s, has helped otherwise clueless nerds in realizing how terrible these beards truly are. While the neckbeard will likely never go extinct, expect it to be a rare sight in the 2010s. The chinstrap, however, is gaining popularity, and may stick around for quite a while. Keep your eyes peeled, and razors at the ready.


Jesus christ

are these words from the hood?

They are from English and The Internet, respectively.

i know some things now

thankfully i've always been wise and have never chinst-rapped or neckbearded.

I have to laugh. Not sure when growing horrid beards replaced terrible 'staches, but I'm just glad mine filled in from top to bottom and damn quick. I started shaving in the fifth grade and could grow a full beard by the eighth.

Holy ****.

Yeah what the hey.

Dont forget this character!

+1

You would want to grow a neckbeard too if you got run out of the south and suddenly had to endure the annoyingly dry Utah winters.

Every time I come back from somewhere humid shaving my neck is a battle for two or three weeks.

The following Massassians are neckbeards: Baconfish, SAJN, Thrawn[numbarz], Jon`C, and Cool Matty.

You all know this to be true.

You ought to try the annoyingly dry Summers in southern Utah like right now, but Im only an hour from big beautiful mountains. I guess if I criticize the Subject of Mormon religion, it would cause serious insults to maybe a possible LDS member here on this forum. So maybe I better not bring it up, coming from a person that left that religion with some bitter memories. I felt like a victim of a mild cult. Im sorry.

I thought the neckbeard was more prevalent amongst douchebag womanizing rich white kids who think they're badass?

Kyle Orton is not amused.

No, that's the chinstrap.

I like the heat, it's just the humidity change that gets me.

Hrm... so what you're saying is perhaps I shouldn't try to grow a chinstrap with my evil goatee, Thrawnbot?

is that Greenboy?

I had to stop reading this earlier because I was eating my breakfast and looking at neckbeards was making me nauseous

And that's a big statement from a part time dyke.

I sport a chin strap and I dislike rap. Nor am I rich. Or womanizing.

I just like to frame my fat face hahah

You are just jealous they have hair.

I wish I had a beard.

Or, you know, a neck.

I would like to comment on how excellent Thrawn numbarz's OP is... It's pretty amazing work.

Spook admited to one just before you said this.

Then why bring it up, lol? Nobody said anything about the CLDS. I think the Amish were brought up though... But I'm not going to say anything about them other than they make some awesome solid wood furniture.

You don't have to worry about offending anyone. Mormons are ****ing retarded and anyone who is offended by that fact can go **** themselves.

Incorrect. I simply said it's something one desires during the curious Utah winters.


Also, Mormons aren't a measurably higher level of retarded than the other zombie worshipers.

Yes, they are. Unless you compare them to JoHos and the other homegrown American forms of Christianity. In which case, they're just as stupid as those, but still significantly stupider than mainstream denominations. C'mon. Magic goggles, Native Americans as the Lost Tribes of Israel? He was pulling that **** out of his ass. Who's going to buy that ****? He wanted to create a brand of Christianity America could call its own, but he overestimated the stupidity of his countrymen and it never caught on with Americans.

Anyway, the only cool form of Christianity is Russian Orthodox, which still instructs people to go around, dressed in black and kick ass.

Two quick points. The Urim and Thumimm concept (of aids used in divination) is an ancient one that he likely acquired from his early interest in esoteric orders, which are all heavily invested in ancient Hebrew mystery worship. The phrase is also present on the seal of Yale.

Also, the Native Americans were never claimed to be the lost tribes of Israel. He claimed that Lehi was a descendant of Manasseh. In addition, Joseph Smith never claimed that Lehi's descendants were the only people in the Americas. His description of Book of Mormon geography suggests that he was attempting to plan a way for a localized population that could never be disproved because of absorption into surrounding populations.

However, there was a popular idea that all natives of the Americas were the offpsring of Hebrews. In the section of the Book of Mormon dealing with those scattered after the Tower of Babel events, they are depicted coming to the Americas, seemingly through Asia. There were speculations that Native Americans had Asiatic blood in them at the time. Though naturally nobody predicted why, or that it would be supported by later DNA evidence. Mr. Smith has a very active imagination with an eye to relative realism, it seems. Or he was talking to God, depends who you ask.

All in all, considering all of the events and descriptions in the books of the Bible, Mormons really aren't too far behind in the contest for who has the more fantastic and outlandish traditions. If you can't see that all of this is equally as silly as following a burning cloud or believing in a cosmic Jewish zombie who was reanimated to bring you eternal life and salvation, then I don't know if there is hope for your rational, intellectual life.

A rational believer would at least accept the level of fantasy involved in their beliefs, while still professing faith. Attacking the credibility of other, equally ridiculous ideas is a small minded defense tactic.

How did this happen?
Anyway, I had one for a couple days just to try it, it itches like mad.

I'm confused, are you saying that neckbeards are attractive to people who find women attractive?!

No, it's just that the majority of lesbians I know might as well have neckbeards.

You're obviously frequenting the wrong part of town.

I run into more 'lipstick' lesbians than any other type. And I live in UTAH.

My exgirlfriend is a lesbian now. She's actually part of a troup that does male impersonations, depite the fact that she's the more femanine partner whenever she's in a relationship (a.k.a the b**ch).

She invited me to see a couple of her shows at a few of the Lesbian bars here in the Detroit area. Oddly enough, there were very few "Butches" in the crowd.

Also oddly enough, she draws a chinstrap on for her gig. So I guess this post is sorta related to at least two of the three topics now in discussion in this thread.

You live in Utah as well? I was wondering why you know as much knowledge of the LDS church as I do. Although I come from the Las Vegas Area originally.

Yep. Born and raised.

However, like any religion, you can get the straight scoop from actually reading about it rather than falling prey to silly misconceptions.

Much like how chinstraps may initially seem cool because the wearers can sometimes be spotted with attractive women, but are uncovered as general indicators of douchebaggery.

Some people just appreciate the aesthetic value of a certain look and don't give a **** what it makes others stereotype them as. That's their problem.

ah, I see. Well, male or female, nobody brings a neckbeard near me!