Any other kid, any other context, and maybe traditional punishments would work...
...but (very much abbreviating a long story) she's the adopted only child of 50-something fundamentalist Christians; her adoptive mother also raised her biological mother (also adopted). The bio-mum was offspring of some genuinely crappy people... and the bio-mum spent the first several years of kiddo's life neglecting and abusing her in some ways that make "A Child Called It" seem damn friendly in comparison.
Following the adoption [read: rescue] [read: out of frying pan, into different frying pan], kiddo was an extreme wild-child. She wasn't even four yet, but she hadn't been socialized enough with people who gave her positive attention and reinforced acceptable behaviours. She spoke in grunts and gestures, and raising hand or voice to her turned her instantly into a cringing, corner-crouching pile of pity.
Time out would be literally impossible to reinforce, beyond tying her down or locking her up.
Spanking was out of the question; not only was she effectively psychologically immune to it (it was a constant in her life, not associated with being "bad"... just associated with being in the presence of somebody who felt like hitting her) but it essentially set her back to square one in terms of trust.
Verbal admonition was about as useful as farting upwind.
By the time I was babysitting her, her communication skills were vastly improved... enough for her to be in a severe tattling phase (as well as a biting phase, to which I hadn't been alerted in advance).
It had already been found that the most effective means of discipline were demonstrating the same unacceptable action in a way that engaged her to empathize. This wasn't always physical... sometimes she'd stop talking and avoid people for extended periods of time, as a way to manipulate them into giving her way...
...in which case the solution was to refrain from communicating with her. When she finally asked why she was being verbally avoided, it was explained that silent treatment wasn't going to work on us (parents, me, other relatives who had a hand in raising her) and that from then on she could be expected to get called out on it if she tried that tactic.
She got over it and didn't try silent treatments anymore.
The thing with this kid... she's sharp as a tack. The instant she figured out a way to get her way or to somehow be gratified, whether it was through positive actions or through manipulation, physical attacks on other people, or sneaking and lying... she'd try them and keep using them as long as she could get away with it.
She had literally never received positive reinforcement of any positive behaviours before her adoption, so what might be called her 'conscience' had to be developed from scratch, when she was already past being a toddler.
One tactic she tried was picking fights with kids big enough to whoop her. She hits, kicks, whatever... and she gets thrashed, as can be expected, when she doesn't give the bigger kid an opportunity to ignore her. She sees the big kid get punished, and she gets babied for being hurt.
Now compound that fight-picking manipulation attempt (which she apparently thought would get ME into trouble...) with her newfound biting ability. She wanted me to get punished, since I was the authority figure requiring that she behave herself well in my presence.
When I bit back, she learned that biting hurts. Upon seeing blood, she was able to make the mental connection that biting doesn't just hurt, it also inflicts visible damage.
When I didn't get punished, she learned that in the long run, attacking people with more power than you is just an easy way to get yourself into worse trouble than you bargained. She became aware of the fact that there ARE people in the world capable of visiting harm on her as retaliation, not just abuse, and that she can incur that retaliation through her actions. Up to that point, the kids she'd hit and kicked were still within a few years of her age; she hadn't yet made the connection that older usually means stronger and more credible to authority figures.
When she did get punished for the biting and tattling, she learned that if she starts trouble, and she draws attention to it, she'll be punished instead of her intended victim.
Because I never raised hand nor voice to her, I didn't make her frightened of me. Because I stood up to her manipulation and attack, I gained her trust and respect. She still regards me as her best friend, nine years later, and she confides in me about things she wouldn't dare tell her mum (who is herself a bit of a conspiracy theorist and religious nut, but that's a story for another day).
At this point... she's really a great kid. Every time I visit her, I want to get her away from her nutter of an adoptive mum, but she is well fed and clothed, safe, and surrounded by a pretty healthy environment (small subsistence farm, complete with chickens, goats, pony, assorted cute fuzzy things). She's deprived of information and outside human contact beyond me and the books I managed to sneak to her, but radically altering her living situation at this time in her life would do more harm than good, I expect.
Awhile back we went rollerskating, and we had a long and easy conversation; somehow we got onto the topic of the biting incident. She said (approximate quote), "I was so surprised you'd bit me back; it hadn't even occurred to me that you could or would. I think that was when I stopped being a solipsist. People weren't characters who sometimes hit. They were actually people."
*shrug* I know my actions will still look villainous and incomprehensible to a fair number of people here. That's fine; I figure everybody is monstrous in somebody's eyes. I just felt like making the overall situation a bit more clear, if possible, and to make note that the person on the receiving end of the retaliatory bite wasn't too screwed up by the experience.
Take it as you will.
Strange not to have a rebellious phase? Why?
By the time I was 17, I'd read over 2k books (I kept track, because OCD is fun like that). I had plenty of windows into extraordinary situations and ideal situations, eutopia and dystopia. I'd read global tragedies and holocaust stories. I had enough scope to say, "yaknow what... my life isn't sh*t enough for me to want to wreck it by back-talking every chance I get."
At the same time... I was the only child of long-ago-aforementioned crazy mum. I was isolated from what my schoolmates regarded to be a 'normal' nuclear family situation. I never really witnessed much of how other parents behaved around their kids, so I wasn't entirely aware that my mum WAS a nutter.
Lack of information, lack of awareness of 'another way'... those were enough to keep me compliant and quiet.
I was a savagely intelligent little git, but even though I devoured books at incredible speed, I still could only read what was within my access... and everything in my access came through Mum. Same with television. I didn't have Internet access until I was 17... so what I knew of parent-child interactions, to that point, were my mother's strict protocols for behaviour and my father's total lack of need to discipline me.
I wasn't rebellious, ever, because
1. It hadn't really occurred to me that I COULD rebel,
2. It hadn't really occurred to me that there was ANY aspect of rebellion that was not-stupid, and
3. Every kid I'd ever seen being rebellious was shortly thereafter on a really crappy course in life... pregnant, expelled, fostered into the system, juvie...
Pretty much from the onset of my academic life, I was on a firm trajectory to be a fantastically polite kid, talented musician, and meticulous student. Along with everybody around me, I assumed I was headed for university, even before I could really have a concept of what that entailed. I didn't rebel from it, because I saw it as an ideal conclusion to all the time and energy I had invested in reading, learning, performing perfectly in classes. Rebellion was a waste with no meaning, and I had no concept of a rational cause to rebel.
Later, I became cognizant of the fact that Mum was a bit funny-headed, but I also gained access to Internet and a public library, and I acquired a retinue of loyal friends who had me visit their houses. I gained perspective of how the average middle-class American family behaves in the home... and while I was appalled at how isolated I had been, in comparison... my intent on pursuing my academic trajectory was magnified. As sharply different as my living situation was, I realized my intellect and people skills were also markedly advanced compared to my peers, and that I had a massive advantage in those areas, if not in finances and home life. It became a silent battle: don't let Mum's verbal jabs and rules hurt too badly... and my reward is I eventually become financially and academically independent of her. Don't rebel now... win freedom and peace later.
If I was ever rebellious, it was purely in psyche, in the act of planning a life for myself beyond what she intended for me (she'd just as soon keep me in our podunk town working full-time at a menial job I would never learn to enjoy or even not-hate, because the odds of her getting grandchildren and the chance to own their lives would be magnified tenfold at that proximity).
Wow, Teal Deer!
*yawn* I'm a'gonna' go build some models for studio now, okey dokey?
Deity bless Xacto knives, Dr. pepper, and the ability to think in three dimensions.
my brother now uses it as a scare tactic, although to be honest he just shouts a lot and they pay attention to him.
