http://[nameredacted].wordpress.com/

I apologize for the tacky nature of this.

This will come as a surprise to most of you probably, but I suffer from depression, have for several years now. I'm at the point where I am desperate enough to actually ask for donations for a treatment which insurance doesn't cover.

I am unable to work or to finish my long-delayed schooling. Everything is hollow.

Please take a look at my blog for details, and a link to donate to my Paypal account.

Thanks for putting up with me.

--------

Also, CM suggested I could link this to reddit, but I know nothing about reddit, and he doesn't know much either. He suggested someone here could give me some pointers in that regard, perhaps mb?

I know nothing about reddit. Good luck!

Like Gebohq, I wish you the best of luck.

Good luck, reddit is kind of a ****hole but sometimes they use their numbers to do good things, much like anon or the few times SA has done nice things.

I don't know if you've exhausted all your diet options yet before you move onto brain-frying.

If you don't follow motorbike racing you'd probably be unaware of Casey Stoner's illness problems in 2009. Essentially partway through the season he started collapsing towards the end of races, at one point he couldn't physically stand on the podium. My mate called it a case of womanitis, but it went on for a few races. Later he pulled out of three races in order to concentrate on diagnosing the problem. The early prognoses were wrong:
http://motomatters.com/news/2009/07/14/stoner_s_mystery_illness_diagnosed_as_ga.html

Months later they still had no idea:
http://www.superbikeplanet.com/2009/Oct/091001-ridernotes.htm

But eventually they pegged it as lactose intolerance:
http://2wheeltuesday.com/2010/03/motogp-casey-stoner-struggles-with-lactose-free-diet/

Essentially with a near unlimited medical budget, and seeing 7-8 of the best doctors in Europe/Aus, only one was able to point the finger at lactose intolerance.

I'm not saying that's your problem, but....

I think your plea needs to be shorten significantly because you don't mention what you want donated money for until the very end. But even then it doesn't sound like the treatment is convincing.

I never heard of "biofeedback", and, looking it up, it seems like just a form of meditation.

True. Also, not to be too much of a cynic, but why would I donate to you rather than some other random depressed bloke? Are you going to do something cool once you get better? Are you doing anything cool right now? If so, then what? And so on and so forth. Best of luck though.

Anything's possible. However, I have had some extensive bloodwork and thyroid testing.



Thanks for the feedback. And yes, it does have some similarities.



Because I'm a Massassian the other bloke is not?

As for doing cool things, I have zero idea what I want out of life, or what I want to do. Being depressed, everything sounds equally dull and bleak.

I don't have dollars. Enjoy your remaining time.

Look into the book "the Depression Cure". I was diagnosed with clinical depression, and following that guy's steps was able to help me significantly. The book is an easy read and offers specific strategies, but the steps are:

1) Get more omega-3. Eat seafood and take a daily supplement. I take 1000mg each night. Apparently western diets cause you to have too much omega-6 (found in chicken, eggs, and a lot of other stuff) in your system relative to omega-3, which isn't good for your brain.

2) Get plenty of sunlight/ vitamin D. I don't know if you live where this is an issue; I live in Tampa so I skipped this one.

3) Exercise! Aerobic exercise has a huge impact on your mental health. Exercise a lot! Try doing it at least 3 times a week, but start with once a week if you have to. Find something enjoyable like racquetball or soccer, and force yourself to run if you can't. You might think running sucks, but you feel better after you do it, and it's still better than killing yourself.

4) Get plenty of sleep. I know this is hard for depressed people. Only use your bed for sleep to train yourself that bed time = sleep time. Take melatonin if you must. (Sleeping enough becomes a lot easier if you're exercising regularly)

5) Stop "Ruminating"- I know it's tempting to analyze your mistakes and failures and just be a harsh judge of yourself. Barely anything good ever happens when you do though. Try to become aware of times when you're beating yourself up in your mind, and distract yourself from it. It becomes easier the more you do it. It's a lot easier to be down on yourself when you're alone, like in car rides, so distract yourself from thinking too hard when that happens (ie sing along to music when driving).

6) Socialize. I know it's hard, but plan times when you go and do something social. I don't know how old you are what your situation is, but find a social/political/issue club or a church or best of all volunteer. Try to have at least one social thing a week planned to start. When things are bad and you don't have anyone to hang out with or can't bring yourself to leave the house, call someone. Family members or friends are usually willing to talk to you, especially if you confide in them that you're depressed and seeking recovery.

Do it. Keep taking your medication and see a counselor/therapist, but do these things if you're not already. I know some of this is hard, and may sound stupid, but it helped me a lot more than Prozac ever did. Seek this treatment if you think it will help, but do these things in addition.

No no man, I think you misunderstand. To get the $1,450 minimum investment you'd need someone else's donations as well. Even if 10 Massassians donate $30, you'd only have $300.

If everything sounds bleak and dull... Do something bleak and dull for 5 months to get a $1,500, $300 a month as the target goal. Heck, you're educated and you can write. Why not take up some eLance jobs?

http://www.elance.com

Then you'd be able to afford becoming a cyborg whose brain functions are regulated by his body. Although some women might argue that for a lot of men this is all ready the case.

Point being, you've all ready set up a goal (get $1,400), now you can continue to live your gray and life but at least you'll be making an extra $300 a month.

AND THEN YOU GET TO BE A CYBORG.

Peace & love,
Max

PS. And while you're at it, do all what UltimatePotato said.

http://harpers.org/media/pdf/dfw/HarpersMagazine-1998-01-0059425.pdf - The Depressed Person, by David Foster Wallace

After I read this for the first time, it somehow flipped a switch in my brain and put me in a good mood that lasted for a couple of days. I was literally laughing to myself about basically nothing. The contrast between then and how I normally feel was amazing, it's like I'd finally been let in on a joke that the rest of the world knew. Believe me, when you smile at someone whilst in that kind of mood, they nearly always smile back.

I've managed to achieve similar moods from time-to-time by trying Mindfulness meditation, though only for a few hours rather than days. Frankly, if I can find a way to get into that kind of mood during the most mundane days at work, it's going to change everything.

Whilst UltimatePotato's advice is overall pretty good, I think the most important thing is his 5th point - learning how to think differently.

So I wish you the best of luck, it sounds like the biofeedback mechanism works by guiding you towards the same thought processes that normally lead people out of depression. I'm skeptical, as I often am, but it sounds like it has potential to work.

I know how you feel.

The only solution is to find something you love.

For me, filmmaking is the most fulfilling thing in the world. And I've even found a way to pay for schooling for that, a grant, that almost everyone qualifies for, that waives your tuition! For any digital media type endavour!

Long story short, I feel for you brother, good luck, but the solution (or at least the stop-loss) is not in treatment, it's in ****ing living and loving as hard and fast as you can to fill that hole.

Get ahold of me if you ever need to talk.

I've felt this way since roughly my sophomore year of high school (2005). Everyone once in a while I run across people who describe it as you do. It took me a long time to realize that the depression was completely different from feeling bad. The depression was merely a lack of ability to experience life in an emotionally meaningful or satisfying way. It does not have any inherent positive or negative properties, it is merely an absence. I felt extremely hopeless and frustrated throughout college, but that wasn't the depression. That was just a reaction to the depression in combination with the stress. The depression itself is always there, and probably would not be noticeable on time scales less than a month. Some things are still sort of good, but nothing like what they were before. My strongest emotions, by far, come from provoking memories of past feelings. This always ends up making me feel incredibly frustrated. It's a "problem" that I am experiencing less and less, because my memory of those times is less vivid, and repeated use of a memory wears it out.

I'm worried that I should not have gotten married. I thought I was getting better, but I think that new circumstances just allow me to cope much more effectively than I did before. The trouble is, I don't think I am doing anything other than cope. I am indifferent about my life now. I would be content to die, but don't often desire it like I did in college. I don't know if I can cope indefinitely. I have a very hard time seeing myself not become frustrated again in on any long term basis. I can't deal with living that way again, let alone for 40 or 50 years. Religious convictions are the only thing that got me through college, but there's no way I won't have a moment of weakness if I have to deal with that for any long amount of time.

I don't really know what to do about it. I saw several psychiatrists, but nothing they prescribed had any noticeable effect. Their advice seemed geared toward dealing people who respond to problems by developing emotionally charged, unrealistic perceptions of themselves. People with low self-esteem, for example. I think that psychiatry is probably very effective for certain kinds of problems, but they really seemed to be stabbing in the dark when it came to mine. Granted, I don't have a scientifically significant sample size, but I don't have a way of obtaining scientifically significant data on the subject. Trying blindly is just frustrating, and the total lack of success so far leads me to believe that it's probably not worth the effort.

I plan to make the best of my life as well as I can manage, and hope for the best. Maybe if my life itself were more fulfilling, what is left of my ability to experience that fulfillment will be enough.

I would be extremely interested to hear from someone who describes their depression the way you do who found something that works. A lot of people identify with ennui, but I feel that you are one of only a few people that describe something that is similar to the way I feel.

I wish you the best of luck. Consider trying something radically different and look for things that are especially stimulating. I dropped what little I had left of my scholarship money on powered paragliding lessons, and that seemed like it might have a little promise. It didn't really fix anything, but I did let me experience as much as I still could. Don't expect a miracle, but something new is worth a shot.

Simple solution: keep busy.

Honestly, why should we donate to a simply depressed person wanting an expensive treatment with limited studies backing up its efficacy? I think a dollar would be better spent elsewhere on someone who is worried about how they'll be getting their next meal or how their baby will survive without antibiotics instead of whether the world seems "grey" to them or their food tastes bland, wouldn't you agree? Save your money and do yoga.

So, since everyone's so honest in this thread..

COME ON GUYS! So many depressed people here! I mean, not to blow my own horn here, but I'm (almost) divorced, have two kids (and am therefore more or less stuck with my ex until my dying days who IMHO is not the nicest person in the world), I spent a month in a cast because my elbow got cracked during a KB training, my sister in law (or how do you call your dad's wife's daughter) was ****ing murdered by her crazy Albanian boyfriend last year (OK, I didn't really know her that well but STILL), but **** IT ALL, I wish there was more than 24 hours in a day.

I mean, I've got a pretty cool job making more than 75% of the people in this country (I'm still poor as **** because of my domestic situation, hehehe), I write (and LOVING IT), have some plans for the future, and am overall doing pretty damn good. I've also got a beautiful daughter and a son, read above. How cool is that!

And sure, there were times I was not talking to anyone and just playing video games or watching Dr. House until the morning light, but that passed as I gathered the courage to start sorting out the problems in my life one by one. I guess what I'm trying to say is, sucks you guys are / were depressed, but it's really hard for me to sympathize.

I used to take martial arts classes for about 5 years when I was a teen -- it was called ninjutsu, and TBH I now think that as far as fighting goes it's a bunch of bollocks, but we've had a *great* teacher who always made it just so damn fun. So, I've learnt this one thing: if something doesn't work, change.

PS. Also, the suggestion to do sports REGULARLY is a good one.

This makes it clear that you really don't get it. You're telling depressed people that there are others with worse problems who aren't depressed. Guess what, now they're not only depressed, but are feeling guilty for being depressed.

What you've said is literally one of the worst things you could say to a depressed person.

http://www.quora.com/What-should-you-not-say-to-someone-suffering-from-depression

Yeah, actual depression doesn't really work that way. Being clinically depressed is way different than just thinking that life sucks.

That's like someone telling me that I should just control my drinking and have one or two beers when I drink.

I really hope you're able to get the help you need, Al. That sort of thing can be incredibly hard to deal with.

I can relate to some of it. I haven't lost my joy in life, but I have to admit to having low self-esteem, feeling generally worthless, and having anxieties. This really works against me when applying for jobs. And because i can't land a job, I feel miserable and start avoiding social contacts because people can put so much pressure on you if you're looking for work. It's like a vicious circle.

At least in my case it's not clinical, and I can put the finger on where the problem lies. I'm not looking for sympathy, because I know that ultimately, I am the only one who can change myself.

Just saying I can relate to it, and I sympathize. However, if I were you, I wouldn't go around just asking for money. If you really want that treatment, just set yourself the goal of making enough money to get that treatment, even if it means flipping burgers. (I've done my fair share of that, unfortunately.) In the end, you will feel so much more empowered if you succeed in saving up for the treatment. It'll give you a head start. That's just my personal opinion though.

Oh I kind of want to make clear that when I say treatment isn't the solution, I don't mean that it can't be helpful, I'm just saying that commonly, a chemical imbalance is not the only thing going on. Gotta stack the deck in your favour, if you know whatimean.

Keep in mind, guys, that depression is a mental illness distinct from being sad and thinking your life sucks. Some of you seem more aware of this than others. There really ought to be two different words for depression and sadness (that's why Freud called it Melancholia). Depression is caused by chemical problems in your brain, most likely serotonin failing to correctly transfer across synapses. You can't simply motivate yourself out of depression or snap out of it without treating the underlying causes. [Sometimes there are underlying emotional things that happen to someone that can cause the brain's stress response to trigger depression. There is evidence that suggests that our thoughts have a big affect on our health, just look at the placebo affect. If that is the case counseling would need to address the issue, but the psychiatric condition needs to be treated to get the person in a place where they can work on their emotional issues.]

That being said, the things you eat and do do have a profound effect on your mental health. Exercise has been repeatedly shown in studies to have a very positive effect on mental and physical health. Giving your body more omega-3 and vitamin D, and getting enough sleep will greatly improve these brain functions. Becoming aware of and consciously redirecting negative thinking, and doing things like volunteering for the needy/your community will improve your mood. That won't make you any better, but it will make it easier for you to continue making progress.

Al (and Obi I guess), keep taking medication, go to counseling, and seek this treatment if you're optimistic about it. But follow my/this guy's advice and get a lot of exercise, eat better, talk to people, and distract yourself from focusing on self-defeating and critical thoughts. Trust me; I used to feel the emptiness, I could never get enough sleep, I was reclusive, and I didn't find joy in anything. Depression can be beat.

Don't worry about it, Koobie. Only intelligent people get depressed.

I'm fairly certain if Al was looking for advice, he'd have asked for it. It doesn't help that some of the advice given is ignorant of what it actually means to be clinically depressed and some of it seems to have ignored what he's written on his blog. Just donate or don't. Nobody likes unsolicited advice.

EDIT: He did, however, ask for help for how to spread this on reddit or something similar. Again, though, he's just asking for how, not advice on whether he should or not.

Other than the omega-3, I already do all that, and have been doing it for years. Still doesn't solve it.

Does omega-3 come in like a vitamin or something that you can get at the drug store? I'll have to look into that.



Your post made me smile. Thanks.

Tell me more about elance. I'm looking at the site now, but your thoughts on it would be appreciated.

As for bleak and dull, while this is true, I also have very little motivation. It's all I can do just to give my bathroom a quick mopping every couple of days, frankly, even that takes my roommate getting onto me.



Thanks for sympathizing. I know the feeling of that inexplicable good mood, too, all too rare, and for me so fleeting, barely a few minutes, much less a couple of days. 7 times in the past year.

And yes, biofeedback has some similarities to meditation, although due to the feedback, it's more or less done automatically by your body/brain, rather than you having to attain nirvana (to put it in simplistic terms).

I have attempted meditation myself, but my admittedly limited experience with it has led to no success; and my amotivation being what it is, can't make myself do any more.



Thanks.

As for something I love, that's the point. There is nothing that I really love like that. Maybe if I weren't depressed, there'd be something that wasn't bleak and dull to me, and then I could pursue it.

The thing is, I have actually sat down and thought, "If I could have anything and everything I wanted - unlimited wishes, etc - what would I want?"

And it came to me -- there was nothing I wanted. Because it's all hollow and bleak.



If nothing else, I'm glad my posting this started this dialogue. Wish I could give you a fix, but as you can see, don't have one for myself yet.



I do agree that a starving or critically diseased person is in more urgent need of treatment. As far as keeping busy, I have extremely little motivation; it feels like I have lead weights in my limbs and my stomach and often a fog in my brain.

I do my best to stay active, but with my interest levels fluctuating in and out of anhedonia, it constantly feels like I'm teetering on the edge of a cliff, fighting to keep my interest. And that's for stuff I actually enjoy doing. Nevermind anything else.



I understand it's hard to sympathize. It is for a lot of people. I'm sorry you're having your issues, though.





Thanks for the support.



I used to have major self-esteem problems as well. I fixed that, and I'm still depressed.

The trouble with making money myself is that it's so hard to do anything, never mind work a steady job. I'm also physically disabled from working at the moment, as well.



I do know. As my blog says, I have done everything I can to stack the deck in my favor. Purge negative thinking habits, eat right, socialize, exercise, etc. Still doesn't fix it.



Thanks for the support. As I said, though, I spent a few years, a few years back, in purging negative thought processes, and I'm still depressed. I tend to be optimistic and not focus on the negative and accentuate the positive - and I still feel empty.

Thanks for all the response, guys.

Skimmed through your megalong post and...



I'm not having issues, mate. It's just life.

Here's a joke:

A man goes on the beach and sees a woman with no arms or legs lying on the sand by the waves, crying her eyes out.

"What's wrong?" asks the man.

"Please," says the woman, "Don't walk away! I don't have any arms or legs, so noone ever kissed me before!"

So, the man, being nice and all, looks around, doesn't see anyone, then kisses her on the cheek and starts walking away. The woman starts crying again.

"What's wrong? I thought I just kissed you?"

"Please, Mister, I don't have any arms or legs, so noone ever played with my breasts..."

"All right, don't cry," says the man, touches her breasts for a bit and starts walking away. Woman starts crying!

"What is it now?"

"Please Mister, don't walk away... You see, I don't have any arms or legs so, well, nobody's ever f**ed me before..."

So the man lifts her up and hurls her into the ocean.

"You're pretty f**ed now," he says.

There's been a fair amount of misunderstanding here, mostly replied to but I just want to say:
The thing about depression, is that you don't need a reason, any reason, at all. It's an actual illness.
I can definitely relate to how Al Ciao is feeling. Depression is actually capable of killing you, and I don't mean via suicide (that too of course) I mean all the physical problems you can develop because of that.
That statement might surprise you or make you scoff, but it's true.

Originally posted by [/FONT:

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/evil-deeds/200809/is-depression-disease] There is no denying that those who suffer from severe depression are ill. Depression can be debilitating and, in some cases, deadly. Physical symptoms such as nausea, vomiting, fatigue, chronic pain , diarrhea, insomnia etc. are common concomitants to major depression.

My point was that it's hard for me to sympathize. The post was also mostly directed at everyone who commented saying OMG I'M DEPRESSED TOO rather than at the OP. Was just posting a bit about myself (yaaaaay) in this "omg let's be honest to each other" thread, I'm sure depressed people know there are other people who have more "right" to be depressed. Or what, I'm disqualified from posting in this thread because I'm not depressed?



And I'm fairly certain that Al can speak for himself.

[quote=Al Ciao]Tell me more about elance. I'm looking at the site now, but your thoughts on it would be appreciated.[/quote]

Sure! Is there anything in particular that you would like to know? Basically it's free to register: you select the field you're going to be working in (eg., writing, design, etc.), then check for available jobs. You have to "confirm" registration via phone, as well -- you'll have a machine give you a call and ask you to say some numbers into the phone. I enjoy the site. It's very pro and you can get lucky and get some really interesting jobs. The only problem is that they take a huge share out of your earnings (around 8%), but it shows how much eLance will take in real time once you start making actual bids . Free subscription gives you 15 bid "points" a month, for projects with budgets under $500 you need 1 bid point, for projects between $500 and $1,000 you need 2. Start small ($50, $60 jobs) and get some rep, then you should be well on your way to making a profit out of a hobby.