Ah... So, yes. I remember these were popular back in the day.

So, as some of you may know, I'm divorced, and we have two kids with my ex-wife, a son and a daughter, which means that we're pretty much stuck together for the rest of our lives... We've been separated for 2 years, so by now we managed to have a relatively friendly relationship. Our marriage wasn't very good at all (I filed for the divorce after a few warnings that I won't cope with being treated like **** pretty much)...

Some time ago I've met and started a relationship with a wonderful girl. Very beautiful, and the kindest, nicest person I've ever met. Intelligent, educated, cared for animals, came from a wonderful family.

However, after being with her for more than a year, we realized that we don't really have a *spark* between us, so to say. Our relationship was great (although I feel I could've been much more attentive to her), minus that we couldn't really spend ALL THAT MUCH TIME together -- we both worked (still do), and I spent every Sunday as well as every second full weekend with my kids... Mmm. However, she seemed to try to adjust to it, even though it was obviously hard for her as she was jealous of my ex and that "I gave everything to her" when I got married at 21 (I'm 25 now btw).

We both lived in rented flats, though I've spent more time at her place as my flat was considerably crappier (as you can imagine, even though I have a pretty good paying job for this country, I'm anything but rich due to my family situation, heh).

It seems that we weren't sure if we really loved each other, or had feelings other than deep affection and care for each other. No "love" word was mentioned, even though we felt very comfortable and good with each other.

I hurt her many times by "breaking up" and then getting back together immediately, until a couple of weeks ago I broke up with her for good (or so I thought at the time). Which is very sad, and all, but I'm wondering if there is a person who may not be such an angel as she is, but with whom I may fall crazily in love with -- though, in my XP, being madly in love doesn't necessarily lead to a long-lasting relationship (eg., my ex-wife). In the words of Harlan Ellison, Love is Just Sex Misspelled. Thankfully, as we could always talk about everything with my gf, we remained friends.

So now I'm in emo-mode, thinking if I was stupid to break up, and if there are single girls in this world who like science fiction, literature, and video games.

/end rant

Sorry, don't know how to play this video :(
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rYS1yNLzEq4

I don't mean to insult you Koobie because I'm sure you are a good honest man, but I don't think I personally could ever enter a serious relationship with someone who has children from another. Maybe I am stupid and limiting myself but whatever, it is just a red flag as failure in the past (not that the first marriage was your fault) and also its a sign that a part of you will always love her (because you love your kids! =]).

Nothing against you at all, these things might not even be your fault, I'm just being honest.

I'm with couchman, baggage is a no-go.

No worries, thanks for the input. Yes, yes, that's why I was kind of thinking that I was stupid for breaking up with my gf, but, in another way, I'm not 100% sure I agree with you. Call it optimism, but there are tons of examples showing that it's quite possible. However, for now, just going to concentrate on achieving my own goals... Not even sure I'm interested in a serious relationship with anyone for the next 5 years, just getting muscles, having lots of random sexy-time, and getting into the schedule of writing rather than talking about writing.

Tis bit crazy, act.: I had a terrible marriage (read: relationship), then I had a very nice relationship (but thought something was missing), ended both. NOW, THE QUEST BEGINS.

I'm sure my chances will improve once I can afford a Porsche.

I somewhat disagree with the baggage comments. I think what was said is certainly true for women with children but not nearly as true for men with children. Especially if you have daughters--they're pussy magnets for hot *****es with daddy issues.

wait Koobie how old are you I forgot to ask

25.

It seems the only women attracted to me are 30 year old moms. So unfortunate.

I somehow managed to be FWB with a single girl who writes science fiction for fun, so don't give up.

25 and single again? Take this opportunity to get out and **** around. If you're having feelings like " thinking if I was stupid to break up" and the like maybe you don't want a relationship right now. [/COLOR]

Buy a large trout. You know what to do next.

Slap Michael MacFarlane.

I don't... Where do you mean chicks for this stuff anyway, chicks who have the same intent but whom you don't have to pay, heh? I'm not a disco boi... Hmm. **** it, might as well go to some rock place, heh. Though if anyone has any wise advise, I'm all ears.

Honestly, after reading your description of your relationship with your girlfriend, it sounds like you did have something really good going on. Just because you didn't feel head over heals in love with this girl as you did with your ex-wife, doesn't mean it isn't love. After being married for a little over a year, I have come to learn that real love is not this big powerful emotion. Real love is more akin to what you feel for your parents, siblings, grandparents and children. They may frustrate you, make you feel like you hate them some times, but ultimately you will do whatever you can to keep them in your life in some way. I see people in relationships fall into this trap all the time. They feel like because they aren't madly hyper-dependent on the other person, they must not be in love, and so they end the relationship, but still attempt to be friends because they don't want to lose that person out of their life, and when that doesn't work they become really depressed because, ultimately, they have lost someone they loved.

I agree with Mentat with this one. The baggage thing is usually way more of a hangup for men than it is for women.

I'm a bit partial to dealing with "baggage". I met my fiance when her daughter was 2 (just turned 5), they live with her parents, divorce isn't final (he's stretching it out, and currently in jail again), lot of health issues, etc, etc.

I'm sure it'll work out eventually.

I'm going to have to disagree on this point with the usually inimitable Mr. Ellison. My primary is asexual but that doesn't in any way remove romance or love from the picture. There are usually about 79 things I'd rather do with someone than sleep together (or have sex, that is; sleeping together is pretty fabulous). Maybe it's different for breeders, but I don't want to get naked every time I hold someone's hand or snuggle up for a movie.



That basically describes every gal I've dated, other than (usually) the single part. We're definitely out there, but also tend to be so bombarded by gamerguy attention that we keep a low profile.

This. All you 20somethings may think a bit differently about the "baggage" thing once everyone you meet has some sort of baggage to carry around.
Damn conservative hippie kids.

heh i got my heart stomped on after like a week after my 28th birthday and a week before valentines day a month after i got back from osut. was even engaged to this girl, we literally did everything together, there was hardly a day i was not around her. i miss her alot, but she wants someone that can provide a house, a buncha kids, and someone that was really book smart (college, masters degree, "good job" like engineer or doctor) and someone that is very christian leaderly. imo, a year and a half down the ****ing drain. my heart won't ever recover from it. actually it will, but i won't ever give it away so easily again, not that i will ever get the chance to.

There is alot of downtime i have now since i only work part time and i get this empty void that needs filled, i get easily irritated at people and things now, the only thing that is going right for me is the military, and after i get back from my first deployment i plan on switching to active duty and getting the hell out of town. nothing is holding me back anymore. I tried a semester of college, and i did alright, 3.2 gpa, but i didn't like it, everybody is like 10 years younger than me and the girls won't even talk to me, i don't know what career i would even want to take out of college, other than using degrees for promotion points towards a paycheck i would get for one weekend a month outside of deployment. i don't know if i should even bother with girls anymore. also the girls around here are all too young, taken or butt ugly (outside normal bmi=ugly to me) or have kids.

You realize BMI is completely arbitrary, right? "Normal" is fairly meaningless in this regard, and doesn't really lend any worthwhile context.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Body_mass_index#Varying_standards
http://www.halls.md/ideal-weight/medical.htm

This. This. This. Excitement will always fade. If you're relying on that "spark" for excitement/enjoyment, you're going to also end up in a failed relationship. (it kinda sounds like this may have happened with your first marriage) Whether you thought you loved your ex wife or not, there was excitement there, and it kept you interested for a while. Then the excitement died, and you started to realize that she was a *****. (presumably)

It sounds to me that you have been having fun with this new girl. And she puts up with you when, quite frankly, on paper you don't seem to be in her league (kids, ex, not a lot of money, crappy apartment, flaky with commitment, etc) (not trying to be mean, please don't take offense). I'd recommend some serious soul searching and decide if you made a good choice or not, and consider renewing your commitment to your relationship with this new girl (assuming she'll let you after the roller coaster ride you seem to have put her through).

DISCLAIMER: I don't know her or you, so take my advice and if it resonates with you, then follow up. If not, throw it out. Only you can really decide for sure.

Hey. Nah, it makes sense what you say. But:

1) True enough about the spark with ex, and yes, I did start realizing that she was a **** (she grew up a bit now, but I'd never in my life would want to live with her ever again).

2) It wasn't 100% only from my side to break up, we both had several discussions about it (even though I initiated them we both agreed on major points that something's missing between us). We've had a nice relationship, but probably me "being out of her league" as you've put it contributed to the whole business quite a bit. All those things you've mentioned are absolutely true, and it bugs me quite a bit, but it's only up to me to change that (well, the money part at least, or somehow escaping the day job routine). You see, I don't want a wonderful girl to "put up" with me -- I want to be able to give at least as much as I get. So I'm pretty sure it's the right choice for now I think, though I do hope that maybe in 1-2 years when I'm more where I want to be in life than I feel now, I'll have a chance to give her more than I could when we've been together. Or, you know, perhaps we'll be happy doing our own thing, who knows. How it was, we never really allowed to be 100% "each other's" if that makes sense, there was always a feeling that this might not work out, probably exactly for the reasons you've outlined.

To Dormouse:

For me, sex is an essential part of a relationship. But I can only talk for myself.

To The_Lost_One:

Yep, lots of physical stuff should be good. Do take care. I've got a cool city-wide gym membership card which really helps, for example, I do kickboxing, thai boxing, weightlifting, and going to go swimming this Saturday -- for about $33 / month, I can go to pretty much any training / club once a day in Budapest with no extra charge. Awesomesauce.

One way or another, you always pay for it.

A friend posted something on facebook today that I thought somewhat relevant to this situation. Or at least, good relationship advice in general: posted below in its entirety.

There's a simple truth to this message. If a relationship is good, then be happy with what you've got. The grass is NOT greener on the other side.

The fact that this was more of a mutual thing makes this situation a bit more complicated, but I would bet that this girl would be willing to overlook most of your "flaws" if you overcame the last one I mentioned: "flaky with commitment". The question then becomes moreso whether you want to make that effort or not. That's really the part only you can decide, since only you know this girl and how you feel around her. It sounds like you've already made that decision.. But now you're not sure if it was the right one.

I don't think I'm that flaky with commitment to be honest. I'm a rational person. If I would've thought that staying in a dysfunctional family where mom treats dad like **** would've been better for our children, I very well might have. But I didn't. It's not just me she treats that way -- the woman treats her own mother who gives her everything -- car, flat -- the same way, if not worse, except that she's her mother and she's pretty much stuck with her. Her mom isn't much different, though, only wiser. Same with her grandma, believe it or not. It's a family thing. Kids: it may be sometimes wise listen to your parents before you decide to get married.

To reflect on your other point, there's no knowing if "grass is greener on the other side" or not. Secondly, I think it's very different depending on whether you're married or not. If you are, like in your case, then I think you ought to make every effort to make it last if things are good. You are ALREADY committed to each other, and you better keep it up (unless it becomes simply irrational and self-harming to do so, obviously).

Don't want to judge, but based on what you've said, I have a feeling that you very well might have a pretty severe mid-life crisis once you hit your 40's.

As for my wonderful (sadly, ex) girlfriend, we never allowed ourselves to surrender to each other 100% -- circumstances, considerations, worries, hesitation were always in the way. I know that I couldn't really think straight, because of all that and that the idea of breaking up seemed to be the "faster" solution. Some change was needed. I did propose to her to try to move in together, she said maybe not as she also wasn't sure, etc., so it kind of went downhill from there. Hope that one day this will be different, but first we have to both become more confident, I guess.

[quote=Anonymous Friend] ITS A BIG DIFFERENCE BETWEEN,,I LUV U AND I LOVE U, [/quote]The first has two spelling mistakes and the second one has one?

Maybe you're just intolerable.

gbk how dare you make fun of my condition

I meant more with the relationship you're in (or were just in) now. You mentioned above that you'd broken up and got back together with her several times.. Makes me think flaky. Like you want to be in a relationship with her, but you're scared because of what you went through with your ex, maybe?

I guess that's ultimately true. The problem is the only way you can know is to go looking. And if you do that, you'll burn your bridges and may end up in a desert. In other words, you may find that you had a really good thing with this new girl, and ruined it because you were trying to look for something more. But then again, you may find that something more from someone else. *shrug* it's a risk either way, I guess.

This is true. I guess I should use the word dedication instead of commitment maybe? I'm not implying that you say "I'm sticking with this girl no matter what". Like you said, you're not married to her. I'm more suggesting an attitude of "This relationship isn't 100 % what I want it to be, but, because it's overall a pretty good, healthy relationship, rather than trash it and go looking for something else, I'm going to see first if there's something I can do to improve it." If both of you take this attitude, you may find that the thing missing from the relationship was just that little bit of extra effort.

Sure hope not.. What makes you think that?

This is kinda what I'm getting at...
Don't think moving in together is the solution. I would suggest just trying to either 1) spend more time together and/or 2) make a promise to each other to try and think about the other person a little more. (For example, turn off that damn x-box and give the woman a bit of attention! :P)

Yeah, I'm not really sure about that part. I was more meaning the part about being afraid to give up options. (Again, not talking about marriage here, just a willingness to put her in a central position in your priorities, rather than keeping her to the side.)

Your desire to be with someone is just the result of your genes screaming "THE RACE MUST CONTINUE"
You already have kids so there's no rush, they're just emotions, you don't have to listen to them.
So you've only had 2 relationships then? The last one didnt sound so bad, but you didnt feel the spark.
I fear that love may be reserved for the young and foolish, and the old and wise can never feel anything as exciting again.
Take a break from "love" (a made up bull**** word anyway) and relationships perhaps? Focus on your kids and yourself?
When you're in a better place, you may find a relationship easier.
[I used to think women became more sensible and reasonable after 25-30, sadly it turns out they only stop being mental a few months before they die.]
So when u reach 40 years old, you best hook up with a 20 year old, then inform every stranger you meet about this and subsequently hi-five them.
I'm quite sure I've been most helpful, and not at all bitter and insane further compounded by my quitting of the cigarettes.
I have enjoyed this thread. Good Day to you.

if(getThingFlags(source) & 0x8){
  do her}
elseif(getThingFlags(source) & 0x4){
  do other babe}
else{
  do a dude}

[LEFT] [/COLOR][/LEFT]
Sorry, don't know how to play this video :(
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xK9P-BrfzLE[LEFT] [/COLOR][/LEFT]

Because, as so many other intelligent middle-aged men, you could be tempted to re-evaluate your views on commitment vs. risk. With that being said, I am now reading this book Techniques of the Selling Writer, and there is this part where author Dwight V. Swain talks about what makes readers cheer for a fictional character. He goes on to talk about emotion, and, subsequently, the difference between good and bad. It's rare that a story becomes a bestsellers in which one can't be distinguished from the other. In brief, good: acting on your principles, against personal interest if needed. Bad: Breaking principles to follow a path that is easier.*

*In before Jon'C: "Bad" and "good" in the above example are relative, as principles can be evil. But this is why evil exists.

00 -- 00

K, I'm gonna play some chess now.