I'm playing a show on saturday, and I'm known for always telling bad jokes on stage. Help me out and tell me all your jokes...

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gree gree.

all the ones that come to mind right now would probably get me banned...

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Most people regard me as the dark and immoral side of Massassi. At least I'm getting what I want out of life.

but they are perhaps the perfect ones for his show. e-mail him.

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saberopus
oh yeh wlel i jsut gots finesht wiht my morrwoind mod for teh JO An it takes up teh 900 gigabiets of spaec but i wlil not sowh yuo gyz teh scrnshoots becasue we dunat kare wut u gyz tihnk ne1 no wear i kan get ti hostad 4 dounlowd!!!!11!111 --Checksum

A man goes up to a bartender and orders a glass of 10 year old Scotch. After drinking, the man complains, "Hey! I ordered 10 year old Scotch and this 8 year old! I can tell from the taste! I demand better service."

To ease his anger, the man orders a glass of 14 year old red wine. But after finishing the drink, the man says, "Hey? This wine is only 11 years old! I want 14 years! How rude." The bartender was becoming annoyed.

In the corner of the room, a drunk old man signals the bartender. Soon the bartender returns to the man and gives him a drink. "This glass is paid for by the old timer over there"

"Thanks" said the man. He takes a sip and then jumps up in disgust. "Hey! This is urine!!"

The old man responses, "Ha. Tell how old I am!"

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Snail racing: (500 posts per line)
----@%

Good luck, a friend and I were asked to do stand-up at a wedding or something. We didn't do it, because first off the kid that asked was a jerk. Yeah umm... I'm not really good at single short jokes.. I kinda of stick to the stories, they usually work better on a stage then a knock knock joke .

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SAJN_Master had sticky Shift button - wrote 179 lines in CAPS.
Sample: [17:42] <SAJN_Master> Flexor

[This message has been edited by Rod-Nog (edited January 05, 2004).]

One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together. The proceeded to each buy a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their drinks, three flies landed in each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head. The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust. The Scotsman fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened. The Irishman too , picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer and then started yelling "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT, YOU *******!"

This one my dad told me a few days ago. I can't remember it exactly, but it goes something like this.

A Rabbi is sitting between two Muslims on an airplane. He took his shoes off to get more comfortable. During the flight, one of the Muslims says he is going to get up and get a soda. The Rabbi says, "No, I'll get it for you. We're all brothers after all."

The Rabbi gets up to go get the drink. While he is gone, the Muslim picks up one of the Rabbi's shoes and spits in it. The Rabbi comes back with the drink soon after and gives it to the Muslim.

A little while later, the other Muslim wants a soda. Once again, the Rabbi offers to get it for him. While the Rabbi is gone, the Muslim picks up the Rabbi's other shoe and spits in it.

The Rabbi comes back soon after gives him the Muslim his soda. He decides to slip his feet back into his shoes, and as soon as he does he realizes what the two Muslims had done.

He gets up, looks at them both, and says, "Fellas, when is the spitting in the shoes and the pissing in the sodas going to stop?"

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Interesting Fact: Ivan the Terrible ordered an elephant executed because it failed to bow for him.

Quick one liners. I'll try to remember some more later.

That hepatitis bee is a dangerous insect.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway.)

A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.




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WARNING: THIS POST MAY CONTAIN TRACES OF PEANUT!!!

you can always go with telemarketer jokes, start out with a speal:

do telemarketers ever bug yall? (pause) well i get called all the freaken time. it's getting to be such a hassle i'm spend my free time figuring out ways to get them to hang up, so when ever it says privete name and # on the caller id i say something like this (pause)

(make ring noises... pick up imaginary telephone)
your voice: Hello? (pause)
change your voice: Would you like to buy (random object like toilet paper?)
your voice: City Morgue, you killem we chillem, how may i help you?


maby... er, never mind.

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IMPORTANT NOTICE PLEASE READ

Employees dying on the job are faling to fall down. THIS PRACTICE MUST STOP as it becmes impossible to distinguish between death and the natural movement of he staf.

Any employee found dead in an upright position will be dropped from the payroll.

http://www.funny.com/
You guys might find some funny stuff here. I did. Read Man Falls Asleep at Church, Man Who Loved Baked Beans, The Test, and Who Died the Worst Death? (just to name a few good ones ).

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It's Peanut Butter Jelly Time!
/Banana starts dancing

[This message has been edited by Darth Slaw (edited January 05, 2004).]

The Prairie Home Companion radio show has an annual joke show. There is a link to jokes from the 5th one. They are good too. If you want more i'm sure it wouldn't be too hard to find jokes from the other 4 years.

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"The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing." - Edmund Burke

"Never let your sense of morals prevent you from doing what is right." -Isaac Asimov

Never tickle the third foot!

[This message has been edited by Bobbert006 (edited January 05, 2004).]

What does Snoop Dogg use to clean his whites?

Blee-ach!!!

Hilarious, isn't it

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I'm not an actor. I just play one on TV.