Thought I'd get this ****er started, since the college season begins tomorrow night. No sense in having separate pro and college threads when there are like ten of us still on this board and only about three are football fans. Full disclosure: Tomorrow night, I am taking the Tarheels and the points, because I am a lunatic.

And now, we go to an imitation of Super Bowl-winning coach Jon Gruden shamelessly appropriated from popular NFL and dick-joke blog Kissing Suzy Kolber for analysis!

So McMichael, how many hut-huts will it take to win the footbowl this year?

Hey thanks for that fine introduction, Mike. How the heck are ya? I woke up this morning and saw a Facebook message from my colleague here letting me know it was time to go throw in my two cents. He got started without me just like that time another Mike started the Monday Night Football broadcast while I was still fryin' wings at Hooters. It's a damned good thing my personal watercraft is running on pure deer antler spray, otherwise I wouldn't have been able to make it up to the Meadowlands by halftime to see Mark Sanchez throw his 11th interception. Apparently Mike forgot that this Antony is a real Gruden Grinder these days and has to live an early to bed early to rise lifestyle.

I wanna talk about this Mike Mac for a minute, too, and I'll tell ya why. I just love this guy. He spends a lotta time watchin tape on the constitution of the old stars and stripes. I bet this guy has the entire history of Court Tv on Betamax in his basement so he knows if Nancy Grace is ever gonna try and pull a fast one. Guy uses beta because he's smart. It won't deteriorate as fast as VHS, and only the real Gruden Grinders know that. I keep all of my home video on Betamax, from my copy of Olympus has Fallen to my Linda Lovelace autographed copy of Deep Throat. I call her the Randy Moss-Era Patriots because she loves to go deep.

So how about that Notre Dame football team from last year? You know I love those guys. Always have. This Everett Golson. I call him Tiger Woods, but not because he's a black guy, you racist *******s. I call him that because just when you think things are going good for him he gets caught cheating. At least he didn't have a crazy blonde beat his head in with a 9-iron, but that's only because Jack Swarbick had him put into protective custody before Brian Kelly could show up.

Alright, Mike, that's it for my pre-game analysis. Cue up Hank Williams Junior and the Hitler Six to take us to game time.

Based on last year's numbers, around 1,330.

Meanwhile, in important college football news, for the crime of definitely not accepting money for autographs, Jonathan Football-Manziel will sit out half of the Aggies' season-opener against Rice. He was already going to sit out half of the Aggies' season-opener against Rice, because Rice is terrible, but now it'll be the first half.

I'm hoping the 49ers will at least make it a little further this year than they did last year.

Yeah, **** the Ravens.

Go Pack.

Cowboys for mediocrity!

So begins my lambasting of all of your decisions throughout football season.

Then again, had the Tarheels pulled the upset, well, oh my.

Sure, lambaste a lunatic. Real brave.

Lambasting a lunatic is the only time a man can be brave.

Well, a handful of notable quarterbacks were cut today, as teams trimmed down to the maximum 53-man roster:

Brady Quinn
Vince Young
Jimmy Clausen
David Carr

This is an exhaustive list of notable quarterbacks cut today. Heisman Trophy winner Matt Leinart was cut yesterday.

And now:

EAT A PLATTER OF DICKS, CAL, YOU ABSOLUTE PIECES OF ****. It takes a lot for me to really hate an out-of-conference school. It really takes a lot for me to even hate an in-conference school; I only hate one of those per university I attended. But Jesus Christ did these dickslaps rise to the occasion and veritably force me to hate them. Booing injuries? Go directly to hell.

Every other game I watch, I'm rooting against the opposing school's football team. Tonight, I was rooting against the entire University of California system.

Tim Tebow got cut.

Send him to Canada!

Foobaw

Will footbaw ever be this h4rdc0re 1337 h4x omgwtfbbq? http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-latin-america-23215676

This would be an act of war and we'll respond by cutting off the Syrup supply, stranding Bieber in America, and cutting all American teams from the NHL.

That's ok. If the Canadian teams and American teams are no longer affiliated, the NHL will actually improve.

The one that's headquartered in Manhattan?

WE'LL MOVE IT TO MOOSEJAW
DON'T PUSH US

There are (I think) seven NHL teams from Canada. And they pretty much all always suck. The NHL is an American sports league with a handful of ****ty Canadian teams, just like every other American sports league that is inferior to the NFL (read: all of them).

Bears.

Are you saying this just to get a rise out of Tibby? Because last time I checked the Leafs and Habs both made the playoffs and Vancouver is a perennial Stanley Cup contender.

Making the playoffs once in a blue moon doesn't make you good. This is something Bengals fans still don't understand. Vancouver, on the other hand is generally good, yes.

Actually, upon reviewing last year's standings Ottawa, Toronto, Montreal, and Vancouver all made the playoffs and Winnipeg finished 9th 4 points out of 8th seed. Leafs are IMO done with routinely sucking and I expect them to make the playoffs again this season. The only real sad-sack teams are Edmonton and Calgary, and Edmonton has enough young skilled players that they could catch fire any time.

Speaking of football, the Argonauts currently lead the Alouettes 1-0.

NO MOAR HOCKEY THERE IS FOOTBALL TONIGHT

ok sorry michael

TONIGHT TONIGHT THE DENVER BRONCOSAURUSES OR THE BALTIMORE MURDERERS

WHO WILL ROAST MORE PIGSKIN

WILL PAYTONS MANNING BE ALL THE MANNING

all this and more tonight...on football

hahahahahaha the ****ing Ravens

Oh my God, the assistance this team needed to win a Super Bowl last year. Seven free points and a completely different set of holding rules against the Broncos got them through the divisional round. A blind eye to a single obvious pass interference call got them a championship. They are not a bad team. They're just not a good team. They weren't the eighth-best team in the NFL last year, but they rode a hilarious lucky streak to a championship. And they're worse now than they were last year. They put up 27 on a Denver defense that in its current state (that is, missing its two best players due to injury and suspension) I, as a Denver fan, would describe as somewhere between "poor" and "wait--we have fielded a defense?" And they got 7 touchdown passes hung on them, which is how I like to imagine every Broncos game going from now on.

I'll be brief: Fire Mack Brown.

Somewhere tonight, JediGandalf is taking a deep breath, pouring two entire bottles of Ruination IPA into a beer bong connected directly to his throat, and wondering whether being a Chargers fan is even a little bit worth it.

God dammit I wish my work schedule did not mandate that I be in bed at 10pm.

Thanks entire AFC for not being any good, we appreciate it.

-- The Denver Broncos

So what did you gentlemen think of the footballings this evening? I found them to be of a most entertaining quality.

Peyton Manning is a child molester.

kid brothers don't count

**** THE PATS

For real if you're a Pats fan at this point you're pretty much indistinguishable from a refs fan.