Here's a paragraph from a novel I've been working on. Does my writing ability need imporvment to succede in creating a decent novel, or am I doing ok? Rate me, just like you would if you called a number on the "how's my driving?" bumper stickers, 1-10. 10 being the best, 1 being "Daaamn does it suck".

..."How perceptive of you." Leona muttered, sighing, as the elevator began to hum on its acceleration to the floors above. Everything seemed to be in slow motion, and Leona could almost hear her own heartbeat in the excruciating silence. The tension was thick, enveloping her and her companion in a soup of mixed emotions and unspoken thoughts that could not be expressed with words. The elevator hummed on forever, it’s usually quiet drone now at such a terrible pitch, exaggerated by her wearied mind, that Leona couldn’t hear herself think. At last it slowed to a stop at its destination, and Leona watched her own reflection in the steel doors as they slid open. In the brief moment that she saw herself, she noticed the dark, solemn look that has consumed her face. Her attractive features were masked with an expression that betrayed her tired mind and body, and made her look far beyond her years. She sighed deeply, just as the elevator doors clicked completely open, revealing the entryway to level five.

Your rating will help influence me to stop slacking and put some serious effort into the project, or get me to stop wasting my time on something I'm clearly not good at.

- Neb

10. If you keep this level of descriptive detail and focus in you work, using descrition to set mood, ect. through out the story I'd say you done an excellent peice of work!

7 1/2

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-Space Orca
Space Orca's best qoutes:
"The Force is strong in you. The force of my lightsaber coming down!"
"A planet of pokemon? Don't bomb it from orbit. A few might survive. Get the Death Star in here!"
"Hmmmm... It looks like my Lightsaber needs a little repair work. Know of any lightsaber repair shops in town?"
"Luke Skywalker drew his lightsaber... and turned it in to the art teacher"
"Pokemon is spelled S-T-U-P-I-D!"
If you have any more funny quotes, just send them to me.

up there around an 8-9 I can't pin it down but there seems to be grammatical errors? I don't know I'm a bit tired and might be seeing things. :-)

Argh, 5-6. Sorry, it just doesn't appeal to me too much. Way too much description + little action = fluffy.

8...too much description. It is great otherwise

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Drugs are bad.

At least a 9 - I like the way you gave me a clear image of the elevator, Leona, and her mood. Overdescription is better than underdescription.

Take Sir Walter Scott for example - everybody says he describes his locations too much, but his books have stuck around for a couple hundred years, so he must be doing something right.

I though your replies to my story (The Coming) were creative and interesting, too.

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You can run - But you'll just die tired...

Around 9. Be sure to post the novel when it's done.

Yes, nine, possibly 10. Sounds like book-quality writing. Nice to see ya somewhere where we're not at each other's throats...

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My mind is like a sponge, it soaks up a lot... but it leaks

KRIG THE VIKING

10!! Exellent! Magnificent!!

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Alliance Editing: A cheap cut below

Let's say about an 8 1/2, yes...

You discripe the feelings well and deep, that's great because most serious novels do.

But on the other hand, some action would also be good, then again this is just a little part so the rest must equaly good.

I wish you good luck,...

A fellow story writer

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Choose life. Choose a job. Choose sitting on a couch watching spirit crushing game shows, stuffing junk food into your mouth...
But why would I do a thing like that, i chose not to choose life...

Looks like a 10 to me... I would think keep up that style, (maybe a little shorter sentences) and it would turn out really well.


-His High Cruddiness

You want action? You got it.

...I marveled at the simplicity of it all. The two ranks of star fighters, spread out on the massive chess board, waiting for moves to be made and the game to begin. Being the commander of the wing, it was up to me to make those moves, all while piloting one of the pawns.

“Fifty second countdown to active combat. Don’t fire until my mark.” I said into the com, as the other craft in my wing drifted up alongside my fighter in a loose row.

My heart was pounding in my ears, enveloping me in the loud rush of the adrenaline coursing through my veins as the seconds ticked away. I could hear Sarah breathing behind me, her breaths deep and slow, relishing the feeling of recycled air inflating her lungs as if it was the last time she would experience it. I stared at the five illuminated blue lights on my communications console, one for each star fighter in my wing, wondering in some detached way how many would still be lit when this was all over. Then rational thought faded away with the last grains of sand in the hourglass, and the battle began.

“All craft, fire!” I scarcely needed to give the command, as the turrets on the top of each of our griphins opened up in a blaze of whirling barrels as liquid death streaked across space to tear into the enemy craft. We were met with an equally savage barrage of fire as we scattered into our groups of wingmen, slicing through the flood of pirate craft like large marine predators through a school of hungry fish. They were not as organized as we were, but what they lacked in organization they more than made up for in sheer numbers.

The com buzzed with nervous but confident voices, screaming commands and reporting on targets. “Chameleon, there’s too many of them!” cried the voice of Jenna, the pilot onboard Typhoon.

“Stay focused and stick close to your wingman!” I said, perhaps a little too harshly, as I became increasingly frustrated with the flickering of some of my sensor screens. Sarah rotated her seat so her back was to mine, firing at one of the pirate fighters as it made a pass on our backside.

“Pull around, that one is limping.” She said, toying with settings on the targeting computer. I saw the ship she was referring to on the aft sensor screen, and blasted the right thrusters to spin us around towards the target. As the unfortunate pirate craft aligned in Sarah’s sights, I tapped the left thrusters lightly to stop our spin, and geared the engines up to full blast. Sarah’s targeting computer compensated for the movement of our ship, and she raked the wounded pirate fighter with repeated direct hits, tearing it apart and spewing shards of its hull in all directions. One more pawn knocked out of the game, dozens more to go.


The above is considerably outdated. I was experimenting with first person, and decided to scrap it for third. Thanks for the feedback, guys, I will definatly pursue this endevour.

- Neb

[This message has been edited by Nebula (edited June 22, 2000).]

If this is becomes a novel i'll probably kill myself. It sucks so bad that probably someone is going to choke themselves over the cover art.


Hey, SOMEBODY has to write negative stuff...

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The army's like a box of Goobers...they're all full of nuts.

I was wondering when Nebula would be back to check on this thread.

"If this is becomes a novel i'll probably kill myself"

Don't make a mess.

- Neb

I can write action! I swear!

...The door suddenly burst open, illuminating the Captain in a shaft of bright light. He raised his hands to shield his eyes, and let out a sharp gasp as three shots rang out. He floated there, anchored to the floor by his boots in eerie stillness, tiny globules of blood floating away from triple chest wounds. Before Kell could cry out, Sarah had grabbed him, and the three of us ducked behind a stack of nearby crates as quickly and quietly as possible. We then watched in silent horror as the team of three gray uniformed soldiers entered the Lucky Runner, their submachine guns trained on the misfortunate captain as he floated lifelessly in the cargo bay of his own ship.

The leader of the team called out as the three of them scanned the hold with gun-mounted flashlights. “Reveal yourselves immediately. Come out with your hands up, now!” His voice was crisp, transmitted through his helmet’s voice amplifier. Before Sarah could stop him, Kell stood, raising his hands above his head and stepping out from behind the crates. Three beams of light suddenly shown on him, followed by three deadly shots, and Kell joined his Captain floating lifeless in the Lucky Runner, which didn’t seem so lucky anymore.

As Kell was murdered, Sarah pushed against me, pressing me into the cold metal of the ship’s wall and keeping us both low to avoid being hit by any stray shots. She whispered hurriedly into my ear to remain there, and as she eased away carefully, she pulled my pistol from my hip holster, and drew hers as well. I remembered bits and pieces of my zero-g combat training, but without my pistol there was nothing I could do against a heavily armed foe, so I hoped she knew what she was doing. Sarah waited until the flashlight beams were again searching the other crates, and then positioned her zero-g boots so that they were firmly secured against the wall. She then cradled the two pistols under her arms as she reached down to unclip the boots. Then in a remarkably gracefully movement, she pushed against the wall, drew the pistols, and twisted to face the boarding party as she floating rapidly across the cargo bay. They hardly had time to raise their weapons. I watched, my mouth agape, utterly amazed. She fired again and again, holding the pistols akimbo at arms length, pelting the three soldiers with round after round as she effortlessly glided past to the cover of more crates on the other side of the cargo bay.


That's action, right?

- Neb

I like it. I prefer third person over first for some reason, but other than that, your action parts are good. I like the metaphors you put through them, and the description is just right. On the very first passage you have a little too much description, and the sentences are a tad long. You'd probably do better to keep the big description in the first sentence or two, and then drop off a little bit for the rest. That way, you still provide a clear image, but you don't bore the reader with excessive details after that.

Of course, I've never really done any writing, so I have absolutely no experience to back that up. That's just my opinion.



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"I realized the moment I fell into the fissure tha the book would not be destroyed as I'd planned.
It continued falling into that starry expanse of which I had only a fleeting glimpse.
I've tried to speculate, where it might have landed, although I must admit such conjecture is futile. Still, the question about whose hands might one day hold my Myst book are unsettling to me.
I know my apprehensions might never be allayed, and so I close, realizing that perhaps, the ending has not yet been written."

The first one: 9.5 - There seems to be a tiny grammer problem somewhere..
The Second one: 6.75 - It seems that Jenna notices that there are too many of them only when they start fighting
The Last one: 10!!

Now, that action kicks butt! It reminds me of the best book I've ever read, Piercing the Darkness, by Frank Peretti. The way that guy writes, you keep thinking you're watching a movie rather than reading a book. That's the way I try to write, picture what it would be like as a movie, then describe it.

Oh, yes, 9.5. Now that I'm thinking about Frank Peretti books, nothing looks good anymore...

Hmmm... Piercing the Darkness sounds kinda interesting. Is it fiction based on Biblical concepts/events? I'll have to check to see if my library has a copy.

- Neb

Peircing the Darkness is about the conflict between angels and demons. It's a definately Conservative Christian book, so you might be a tad offended by some things in it, Neb, but it still kicks butt.

It's actually the second book. This Present Darkness is the first one.

top

8. Some mistakes, and I think a few semicolons would be better instead of the pronouns you have following the commas.

And personally, I always thought 3rd person is much better for novels. Why? You can portray any character's feelings and thoughts, as well as give your own. With first person, it is ALL narrator. I don't like that.

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God Bless,
Ryan 'darkjedi86' Heuser

[This message has been edited by darkjedi86 (edited September 02, 2000).]

Very nice. A little too much detail for my taste, even in the action scenes. But very good writing, none the less. I would say an 8-9.

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If at first you don't succeed, lower your standards!
[url="mailto:Rogue_Leader@massassi.com"]mailto:Rogue_Leader@massassi.com[/url]Rogue_Leader@massassi.com</A>
My homepage is even lamer than MikeC's.

Like I said in my (now probably defunct) Sanctuary thread, before I went ahead and ruined your event . I'd give your writing an 8-10, because of the details . Your writing style is very good! You put lots of detail in the surroundings, but somehow, you could put some into the characters too. Hair colour (for ex: Sarah left a trail of expended shells and wavy crimson hair as she continued gliding across the room.) Eyes: (for ex: "Watch this..." Sarah whispered in my ear, before pulling my pistol into her slender left hand and giving me a wink with her dark green eye.) I'm not sure about my grammar or anything, It's been over two years since I went to an American School system... Yours sounds (/i] fine. Personally I think your writing style is maybe a bit to serene and maybe a bit sterile (everything seems so clean!!!) but that's just my opinion after reading too many A.C. Crispin books

Keep up the good work!