Zelma and Al are two old folks who are abused by the evil nursing home employees, Linda and Joseph. They are on a quest to escape the home without being noticed by any of the disturbed workers. Will they create the ultimate scheme to escape and get revenge? YOU decide! But someone will mess it up without a doubt. http://www.facelink.com/edit/raw/rawimage/88/2046588.bmp

Zelma: NURSE? NURSE? NURSE? NURSE? NURSE? NURSE? NURSE? NURSE? NURSE?

Nurse: Yes, Miss Zelma?

Zelma: Is Al dead?

Nurse: He's fine, Miss Zelma.(Leaves the room.)

Linda: (Walks in room and closes door.) Good morning Miss Zelma. I have a game that I want to play with you, and it's --

Zelma: NURSE? NURSE? NURSE? NURSE? NURSE? NURSE?

Nurse: (Walks in.)YES, MISS ZELMA?

Zelma: Is Al dead?

Nurse: He's doing great,Miss Zelma.

Al WAkes up and looks across the room and LInda and moans loudly in fear with his eyes widened.) Please don't hurt me, Miss Linda!

Zelma: NURSE? NURSE NURSE? NURSE? NURSE? NURSE?

Nurse: Yes, Miss Zelma?

Zelma: Is Al dead yet?

Nurse: He's alright, Miss Zelma.

[This message has been edited by TheSoftParade (edited July 16, 2001).]

Linda: (Closes the door once again) Now...about that game we were going to play. (She proceeds to take something out of her pocket)

Al: (Frightened.)Please don't hurt me, Miss Linda.

Zelma: NURSE? NURSE? NURSE? NURSE? NURSE? NURSE? NURSE? NURSE? NURSE?

Nurse: Yes, Miss Zelma?

Zelma: Is Al dead?

Nurse: He's fine, Miss Zelma. (Leaves the room.)

Linda: (Continues taking something out of her pocket) Anyone...for a game of UNO? (She winks at Al)

(Zelma and Al exchange glances with frightened looks on their faces...knowing that if they didn't play, something much worse would happen. The hesistantly get up and walk to the table. Linda closes the door, this time...locking it.)

Linda: All right. This will be a lot of fun. (Chuckles) Won't it?! (Sternly)

Al and Zelma: Yes, Miss Linda.

(Linda passes out the cards. Al and Zelma shake with fear. They only hope lunch time will come soon, very soon.)

Linda: Now...let the game begin!

Al: I... I don't know how to play UNO...

Linda: YOU STUPID OLD HAG!!!(Viciously taps Al on the palm.)

Al: (Paralised with fear) I -- I'm sorry, Miss Linda!

Zelma: I am hen-er-y the 8th, I am, I am.

Linda: Shut up you crazy old hag!

Al: Terin fishnobble fine you TROUT!

Linda: WHAT?!

Zelma: NURSE? NURSE? NURSE? NURSE?

Nurse: (Enters room)Yes, Miss Zelma.

Zelma: Is Al dead yet?

Nurse: NO.

Al: (Shivering)MAYHU HOB IN BELL, LINDA!!!

Nurse: That's great, Al.(Leaves room.)

Linda: I think we'll wait and play UNO tomorrow. If you don't learn how, I'll be happy to teach you.(Leaves room)

Al: BIBBLE NINE FLOOSHEN!!!

Zelma: Al, we need to get out of here before they start abusing us!

Al: (regains his speech ability when calmed) Why doesn't my family call me anymore?

Zelma: I think that Linda an--

Linda: (Peeks in door)

Al: TERRIN FISHNOBBLE!!!

Zelma: NURSE? NURSE? NURSE? NURSE?
---------------------------------
"The Soft Parade has now begun
Listen to the engines hum
People out to have some fun
A cobra on my left
Leopard on my right!" -- Jim Morrison


[This message has been edited by TheSoftParade (edited July 15, 2001).]

[This message has been edited by TheSoftParade (edited July 15, 2001).]

Nurse: (Tired of being called for nonsense so many times) Yes?

Zelma: Is Al dead yet?

Nurse: No, Miss Zelma.

Zelma: OK.

(The Nurse leaves the room and closes the door.)

Zelma: (Whispering) OK...we have to figure out how to get out of here.

Al: Why doesn't my family call me anymore?

Zelma: Al...this is serious. We're going to die in here if we don't figure out how to get away soon...very soon.

Al: They hate me don't they?

Zelma: What are we going to do?

Al: We could alway just break the window and climb out!

Zelma: OK...we're getting closer...but really...what are we going to do? The windows are inches thick...covered with bars. There's no way we could get through there. The security system is far too intelligent to be fooled by any thing...and the alarms will be going off at the first wrong move we make.

Al: Is it lunch time yet?

Zelma: I believe it is.

Al: Then, what are we waiting for?

(Linda rushes in the room)

Linda: It's lunch time. Hurry up. We're not going to be out there serving food forever. If you're late again, you won't be fed for another week.

(Al and Zelma get up slowly and shuffle across the room)

Linda: Hurry up!

Zelma and Al: Yes, Miss Linda.

*Slowly, Zelma and Al trudge outside to the outdoor cafeteria. It is surrounded by a concrete wall 50 feet high, coils of razor wire lay on the broken glass on the top of the wall. Guard towers tower above the cafeteria below, and are manned by trained military personall, armed with grenade launchers and machine guns. Trained Dobermans patrol the area*

Zelma: Al, we've just got to figure out a way to get out of here. I miss shuffleboard and bingo.

Al (excitedly): I've got an idea!

Zelma (So excited that her dentures pop out): What!

Al: I forgot.

Zelma: Con-SARN it!

Al: Well, I'm sure that there is a way to get out. Why don't I just ask one of dem nice youngens around here.

Al (To Joseph): Joey, how do we get out of this galdarn confunction of a place?

*Joseph sticks his head right up into Al's face and laughs...*

Joseph: The only way to escape... IS TO DIE!!

Al: ZELMA! I'VE FIGURED IT OUT

*Zelma and Al line up at the Cafeteria line. The line progresses slowly as each old person dishes themselves up a completely pureed chicken sandwich. They also get themselves some watery Macaroni and Cheese*

Zelma: LUNCH LADY? LUNCH LADY? LUNCH LADY? LUNCH LADY?

Lunch Lady: What?

Zelma: Is Al dead?

Lunch Lady: Of course no...

*The lunch lady looks at Al who is curled up on the floor*

*Linda runs up to Al and kicks him to make sure that he is dead. Al doesn't move*

Linda: How did this happen?

Zelma: Well old Al was just sitting there, dishing up his pureed chicken sandwich, and he accidentally dished up the ladle. I think he swallowed it.

Linda: Well. He's dead. I guess will have to take him to the morgue then.

*But what Linda and Joseph don't know is that Al is actually SLEEPING. (He's an old person, so he can take very long naps)*

------------------
May the Windex be with you
-Janitor Jack (Salk Wars)

Linda: I think we should just dump him outside. If anyone here finds out, they won't care.

Zelma: (Angrily kicks Al for supposedly dying.)

Al: (WAkes up) YAY MOO HOT IN BELL, MISS JOSEPH!

Zelma: Don't use that bad language around the youngens, Al!

Linda: (Takes out razor)

Joseph: (Take out some shaving cream.)It looks like you need a shave, Mr. Al! Two hours 'til time!

Linda: (With a sense of relief of her emotional disturbances) BE ready!

[This message has been edited by TheSoftParade (edited July 16, 2001).]

Al: (Two hourse later, Al is wheeled in by the nurse, because they Linda and Joseph terrorized him to the point he was disabled.) Ooh...OOH..ooohh...(His mouth is hanging open and he has a small cut below his nose.)

Zelma: (Slowly walks over to him.) Are you ok?

Al No reply.)

Zelma: NURSE? NURSE? NURSE? NURSE? NURSE?

Nurse: (walks in) No, Miss Zelma, he's just frightened.(Leaves room)

Chuck: (Another resident of the home walks in the room.)

Zelma: Hey, Chuck.

Chuck: WHAT?

Zelma: HEY CHUCK!!!

Chuck: WHAT? I CAN'T HEAR YOU; SPEAK UP!!!

Zelma: ( ON top of her worn out little lungs)HEEEY, CHUUUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!

Chuck: HEY, ZELMA!!! HOWS AL?!( Chuck is partially deaf.)

Al: AYE INDA HOT IN VELL!!!

Chuck: WHAT?

Zelma: HE SAID "MAY LINDA ROT IN HELL!!!"

Al Cakms down) HEY, BUDDY!!!

Chuck: HI, AL!

Al: HOWS YOUR ROOMATE, PAUL?

Paul: Enters room with his walker. Hey, everybody!

(Phone rings)

(Al and Zelma slowly rush towards the phone.)

Al: I'll get it!

Zelma: No! I'll get it!

(They are both unable to reach the phone before it stopped ringing.)

Al: Aw, shucks!

Paul: QUIT COMPLAINING! WHEN I WAS A KID, WE DIDN'T HAVE A PHONE!!

Chuck: WHAT???! IM BORED. IM GONNA GO TO THE FUN ROOM! I HEAR THEIR MAKING PAPER BANANAS TODAY!!!!(slowly leaves room with excitment)

Zelma: I hate this place! All those workers are so terrible!

Al: Do you have any ideas, Paul?

Paul: Back when I was in the military, I was taught how to tear my clothes to make a rope.

Al Notices a saggy old woman walking down the hall through the opened door, who appears to have forgotten her clothes.)

Paul: If we can get a knife at lunch tomorrow, I'll come here and we can break a window and escape.

Zelma: That's a plan!

**THE NEXT DAY**

Linda: (Walks in and grabs Zelma by the arm and violently drags her to the lunch room. Joseph does the same to Al.

Joseph: It's time for lunch!

Al: Lunch lady, can I have a knife to cut my eggs up?

Lunch lady Hands Al a small steak knife)

Al: Thank you!

Zelma: Thank the Lord!

Lunch Lady Walks by al and stares at the knife on the table.)

Al, Zelma, Paul, and Chuck Slowly attempt to eat their yellowish-green egg sandwhiches and keep eyes on the lunch lady as she walks by with her m-16. As she leaves, they spit out the food back into the sandwhich.)

They all return to the bedroom

Paul: (Strips his clothes and ties them together to make a rope.Al, zelma and Chuck do the same.)

Zelma: (Drags her wrinkled naked body to the window and tries to break it as hard as she can.)

Al: (Opens the window)

Zelma: Smartass!

Paul: (takes the rope and ties it to the bed, and climbs out the window and slides down the rope. Chuck and Zelma do the same. Al jumps out the window after them.)

(The four of them run naked down the road, at 5mph and yell "IM FREE!")

great thread, man!

hey i knew I heard Soft Parade somewhere before....your sig...Morrison!!!

yeah lol you gotta dig that



...

(Phone rings)

Linda: Damn where is Paul?
Paul (McC): Yes?

(The Spooky Taco enters)

Paul: Baby, I'm amazed...
Linda: By the way I love you.

(The Spooky Taco takes off his suit, revealing that he is Lennon, and starts screaming lines from "I Am The Walrus" mixed with "lines" from "Revolution 9")

(Paul and Linda die a painful death)

The Spooky Taco: YES! I hated Paul, that bastard! Linda is like twice as hot as Yoko and "Because" should have been MY song!

(The Evil Taco puts on his suit again, wipes his hands, and exits the scene of the incident.)

I'm going to bed, so no more craziness for tonight...consider yourselves luckier than me.

------------------
MajiK6pt5 - I like round squishy things.

Chuck,Al, and Zelma: (Continue storlling down the road, past the pay phone where Paul was dead.)
**AN HOUR LATER**

Al: Hey, i've got a nametag on my back!

Chuck: So do I!

Al: What's yours say?

Chuck: CHUCK!

Al: MINE SAYS AL!

Chuck and al: CHUCK AND AL!!!

**They continue to walk down the road, until they reach a city.**

Chuck: Dude, where's my hoverround!?

Al: Dude, where's Paul?

Zelma: ( Preceeds to scare a woman with her horrible naked body. The woman faints. Zelma takes her money and clothes.)


**Zelma enters a clothing shop and buys Chuck and Al some clothes**

Chuck: We need to get back to the home to the home, and Find Paul!

Al: While we're at it ,lets get some guns and give them mean youngens a good ol' fashion whoopin'!!!

Chuck: (buys a giant machine gun)

Al: (Buys a bazooka, and a desert eagle pistol.)

Zelma: ( buys double glock pistols)

Chuck: Let's go get em!

The three of them trudge back to the home.

------------------
The Soft Parade has now begun
Listen to the engines hum
People out to have some fun
A cobra on my left
Leopard on my right

Someone reply to this , or i'm committing suicide.

------------------
The Soft Parade has now begun
Listen to the engines hum
People out to have some fun
A cobra on my left
Leopard on my right

(Al, Zelma, and Chuck shuffle into the Old Folks' Home's lobby, wearing the black leather trenchcoats and black sunglasses they'd purchased to stop being naked. They shuffle over to the Home's metal detecters.)

Guard: Please place all metal objects in the tray...

(Al opens his trenchcoat to reveal his guns)

Guard: What the...!

(Chuck slowly pulls out his machine gun and begins to fire. He is so slow, however, that the guard is able to dodge all of his shots.)

Chuck: Aw, phooey.

(The guard runs away and warns his fellow guards, who run into the lobby, hide behind the pillars, and begin shooting at Al, Chuck, and Zelma. In the background, the Matrix lobby scene music begins playing over the intercom.)

Chuck: (In slow motion shuffles towards the gaurds, slowly firing his machine gun. Slowly does a cartwheel, while still firing.)

Zelma: (In slow motion shuffles along, firing at guards. Slowly jumps up and runs along the wall, still firing.)

Al: (In slow motion, pulls out his bazooka and fires)

Guards: (moving at normal speed, laugh at the old folks very slowly trying to kill them)

(Later)

Al: When's lunch?

Zelma: Quiet! We have to figure out how to get out of here!

Chuck: Where's Paul?

Zelma: NURSE! NURSE! NURSE! NURSE! NURSE!

------------------
Read the Bible, it'll scare the hell out of you.

Nurse: (comes in and tapes ducK tape to Zelma's mouth)

Zelma: *mmm-mm-m-mmmm!*

Nurse: Yes, he's fine. (leaves)

Al: Goddarnamib god ma ggrib ein dey foodstughp!

meanwhile...

The guards have bound + gagged Paul and are interrogating him...

Guard 1: Paul, if that is your real name, who is your leader, and what bra size does she have?

Guard 2: (smacks Guard 1)

Paul: *mmm-mmm-mmooommmmm*

Guard 1: OUCH!

Guard 2: (promptly shoots Guard 1 with his AK-47)

Guard 1: (dies)

Paul: *mMMMmmMMMM!!!!*

Guard 2: (eyes Paul)
Guard 2: Call security - I want this man secured in a more secure location.

------------------
MajiK6pt5 - I like round squishy things.
http://majiknet.50megs.com

[This message has been edited by MajiK6pt5 (edited July 21, 2001).]

lol

------------------
The Soft Parade has now begun
Listen to the engines hum
People out to have some fun
A cobra on my left
Leopard on my right

just keeping it alive. ive run out of ideas.

I want you all to read this. It's funny.

------------------
T'is but a
jack-o-lantern...