Since none of you cared about A New Mop, I was hesitant to start work on Microsoft Strikes Back, but here it is so far. The names are often to do with people from my school, so bear with it.

Episode V: Microsoft Strikes Back

After their victory at Cardiff, the Rebel celebration was shortlived as they soon had to relocate base to a remote part of England - the icy cold industrial refrigerator on the outskirts of Sheffield. While the cooling of the giant freezer allows them to overclock their processors with a reduced risk of meltdown, they are finding it difficult to adapt their food and drinks preparers to the cold.
Scouts are being sent into Sheffield for signs of intelligent life, but have returned with reports of only wild beasts with an odd accent.

Act I Scene I:
The rebels are hurrying around between kettles, computers and ovens.

Yeiga: Have we got the kettles working yet?
Officer #1: Not yet, we're having trouble adapting them to the cold...

*Sparks fly from an oven.*

Act I Scene II:
Mr Bouncy is walking through the streets of Sheffield, he has yet to see anything that looks remotely human...

Mr Bouncy: *Into mobile* Nothing yet, sir... Wait a second! I've just spotted something looking remotely human, I'll follow after it!

*Mr Bouncy follows. As he walks through a gate a large gloved hand knocks him out.*

Act I Scene III:
Mr Bouncy has been tied up to a bale of hay. He struggles to break free and reach his keyboard. A farmer looks up from his prized sheep herding pig, Walter.

Farmer: I'm slightly irritated that you didn't shut the gate after walking through, you know there's a foot and mouth crisis at the moment.
Mr Bouncy: I was about to shut it!
Farmer: Rubbish, you're just some punk kid.
Mr Bouncy: Hey, I'm no kid, I'm like 40 years old. And why are you so posh?
Farmer: I'm import from southern England, to replace the northern farmers, did you know they have the highest suicide rate of any minority group?
Mr Bouncy: So can I go now?
Farmer: I'm afraid not, I need a helping hand, and since you're here, you're mine.

*Mr Bouncy is clearly in pain due to the mere concept of working on a farm. He manages to grab his keyboard and slash his bindings. He gets up and slashes Walter the pig.*

Farmer: Walter!!!!

*He falls to the ground clutching Walter to his chest. Mr Bouncy makes his exit.*

Farmer: Walter, it's okay, it's okay, there's no need to squeal. I'm so proud of you, you were the second ever sheep pig, damn that Babe, and you've done me proud. *He sobs* That'll do pig, that'll do.

*Walter's eyes shut, and the farmer cries over his bleeding body.*

Act I Scene IV:
Mr Bouncy is in a medical room. Mock'Teeth walks in.

Mock'Teeth: What the hell are you doing in here? You're not injured at all!
Mr Bouncy: Shhh! I'm getting a life of luxury!
Mock'Teeth: What supposed injury do you have?
Mr Bouncy: PTSD
Mock'Teeth: Post Traumatic Stress Disorder?
Mr Bouncy: Post Traumatised Sheep-pig Disorder.
Mock'Teeth: Ouch, well get out of bed, we've got to defend the base soon.

Act I Scene V:
Rebels are convening around Yeiga.

Yeiga: We need to evacuate everybody out of here in the Ice Cream vans, while the restraining order will keep the agents at bay. Random Group will be going into combat against anything else they throw at us.
Wej Antimony: That's impossible, even for a computer!
Yeiga: Which is why you're going out on the mopeds.
Mr Bouncy: Wicked!
Yeiga: Quite, so get moving!

Act I Scene IV:
General Sneers walks into the giant easter egg room, where Mr Mavis's head can just be seen. General Sneers gulps and Mr Mavis spins around on his swivel chair.

General Sneers: *Jumping out of sight* Put the bag on! For the love of God put the bag back on!
Mr Mavis: Oh sorry *Looking rather hurt, he puts the bag back on* Well, why are you here?
General Sneers: The Rebels have detected our presence and have placed a restraining order on us.
Mr Mavis: Oh damn, we'll have to send in the lawyers and the accountants! Oh yeah, and bring up Admiral Nozzel on the video conference.

*General Sneers walks over to Mr Mavis' laptop and opens up video conference. It crashes. He throws it at the wall. It starts working.*

Mr Mavis: Admiral Nozzel?
Janitor Bill: Erm... yes..
Mr Mavis: Why aren't you in uniform?
Janitor Bill: I'm er... off duty?
Mr Mavis: Don't ask me!
Janitor Bill: So what do you want?
Mr Mavis: You came out of lightspeed to close to the Hoth system!
Janitor Bill: Wha?!
Mr Mavis: Oh yeh, erm *He takes his bag off* Mwahahahaha!
Janitor Bill: GHARGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

*Janitor Bill falls to the floor, limp. Admiral Nozzel walks up to the other laptop.*

Mr Mavis: You are in charge now, ADMIRAL Nozzel!
Admiral Nozzel: ....
Mr Mavis: Hey wait a second...

*Mr Mavis' screen goes black.*

Mr Mavis: ******!
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To be continued...
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It's funny, so get with the laughing!

Hehehehe, 'tis good stuff. Especially the stuff about teh paper bag and the janitor. Unfortunately, I probably don't get all teh cultural references. Still, good stuff

Hey, d'you want me to send you the first one?

Hee hee, General Sneers and Admiral Nozzel.

Sure, though if you could post it here or give a link to it, that'd be better

------------------
Check out the following stories:
The Neverending Story Thread(comedy *sci-fi/fantasy*)--never finished--

(in story order)
The Change (The Second War) (sci-fi/fantasy) --not finished/on hold--
The Crusade--tentative title (fantasy/sci-fi) --To Be Announced--
Saga of the 3rd War (fantasy/sci-fi) --finished--
The Shadows of Darkness (fantasy/sci-fi) --finished--
The Eternal War (fantasy/sci-fi) --not finished/IN PRODUCTION--

http://forums.massassi.net/html/Forum7/HTML/000351.html <-- Blah

Act I Scene V:
Random Group are rushing to get to their mopeds. The rest of the rebels are running towards the ice cream vans.

Mr Bouncy: Are you holding on tight Duck?
Duck Raltar: Quack!
Mr Bouncy: I'm sure they were taking the mickey out of me when they said you were my gunner...
Duck Raltar: Quack!
Mr Bouncy: That's what you always say.

*Random Group set out to tackle the lawyers and accountants. They encounter them a few seconds later.*

Mr Bouncy: Fire away Duck!

*Duck quacks and jumps off the moped and waddles around.*

Mr Bouncy: *Shaking his hand* j00 |34574|2d5!!!!1
Wej Antimony: Hahaha! Oh no wait, blasters don't work on their suits!
Mr Bouncy: Random Group, steal their briefcases to take 'em down!
Wej Antimony: Will do Bouncy... Haha! I got him!
Mr Bouncy: Great shot kid, don't get cocky!
Wej Antimony: ...
Director: Whoa wait! Cut! First off Bouncy, it's Mock'Teeth that's meant to say it, and just because he didn't say it in A New Mop doesn't give you the right to say it now!
Mr Bouncy: But this whole thing's just thought up on the spot, and I thought it would be a good idea to make a Star Wa-
Director: Don't say it! If you do we'll be stumped with paperwork for longer than you can possibly imagine.
Admiral Motto: You're sad devotion to that dying religion has not helped you conjure up the stolen data tapes, nor has it given you the clairvoyence to locate the rebels secret hidden base!
Director: I give up! Do it your way, and when the cameras fall on your heads and nobody can organise your prompters, it's your fault!

*The director storms off. Duck Raltar jumps onto his seat and the action continues.*

Lawyer #1: My briefcase!

*He falls to the floor, grabbing at the air for his briefcase.*

General Sneers: Target the stock market... and release the cheap shares!
Accountant: I keep telling you that you can't crash the stock market without bringing Microsoft down too. To bankrupt them you have to buy their shares and then sell them cheap, not just release Microsoft shares cheap!
Mr Mavis: You have failed me for the last time, Captain Noodles!
Mr Bouncy: OK, you guys stay here while I get the director back before the whole thing falls apart!
Wej Antimony: I can't stay with you Luke!
Luke Skywalker: This is just wrong...
Director: Get the hell outta my film! D'you wanna get me sued?!
Luke Skywalker: I'm gone, you couldn't organise a nun-shoot in a brewery.

*A deadly silence occurs.*

Mr Bouncy: Did you mean nun-shoot in a nunery or a binge in a brewery?
Luke Skywalker: You heard what I said!
Mr Bouncy: Hence the confusion...
Director: Get out!!!! Ok, lets rewind back to when I left.

*The tape rewinds.*

Lawyer #1: My briefcase!
Director: Yes, continue with the falling and the grabbing at the air...

*He falls to the floor, grabbing at the air for his briefcase.*

General Sneers: Target the stock market... and release the cheap shares!
Accountant: I keep telling you that you can't crash the stock market without bringing Microsoft down too. To bankrupt them you have to buy their shares and then sell them cheap, not just release Microsoft shares cheap!
Mr Mavis: You have failed me for the last time, Captain Noodles!
Director: OK, stop right there! Mavis get out, you're not meant to be here. *Taking in a long breath and exhaling loudly* OK... So withdraw the Microsoft shares and buy the rebel shares.
General Sneers: See to it personally, commander.
Accountant: Am I commander now then?
General Sneers: Err... I didn't mean to say that, but sure why not?
Commander Guy: You there! Go and sort out the shares!
General Sneers: I told you to see to it personally!
Commander Guy: Oh... Perhaps we should just buy the shares from the rebels and give them a new name, like rebels.net?
General Sneers: That kind of thinking will get you to high places in Microsoft. Execute that directive!
Commander Guy: Shouldn't we be getting back to the action now?
Director: Good point! Execute that directive.

*Nobody does anything.*

Duck Raltar: Quack!
Director: Ghargh! Point the camera at Bouncy!

*Bouncy and the rest of Random Group have gone to get a drink, the lawyers and accountants have taken a lunch break, again.*

Director: Why?! Why?! What have I done to deserve this?!
God: Beats me.
Director: Tell me about it!
God: Are you filming me?
Director: No, which is the flaw in my future plan to restore the christian faith.
God: Well the whole thing about Christ is, well, I'd have to tell you the meaning of life first, so here we go. The meaning of life is, as the Oxford dictionary states: 'The state of a living thing; The time between birth and death or birth and the present moment.' So bearing that in mind, the thing about Christ is that, regardless of whether he lived again, he still died, unlike me. I don't see why there's all this fuss about Jesus, I mean I did all the hard work! Do you know how hard it is to find a Jewish virgin?
Director: Quit complaining and help me out here!

---------------------------------------------
The Saga Continues!

God: Do you even realise who you're talking to?!
Director: Do you even realise what I have to put up with every single day here?!
God: What about me?! I have to deal with natural disasters all the time, it's hard enough without America and England getting involved where they don't belong!!
Director: That's it, I've had enough, get off my set!

*The miraculous light fades and God disappears.*

Director: Finally! Now to get this thing sorted out...

Act II Scene I:
The next day...

Director: And... Action!
Mr Bouncy: Gee, it's lucky we managed to escort the ice cream vans out safely and only lose one pilot! But now I must go to East Anglia, to the marshlands, where I will be trained by Yoga, the programmer that taught Powell.
Mock'Teeth: What?
Mr Bouncy: I had a vision of Powe... Oh no wait, I didn't... Well it says I have to go there in the script...

*The director motions for Mr Bouncy to continue.*

Mr Bouncy: So I guess I'll catch you guys later.
Mock'Teeth: Fair enough.

*Bouncy and Mock'Teeth go their separate ways. Mr Bouncy parks his moped at the edge of East Anglia 4 hours and £30 worth of petrol later.*

Mr Bouncy: This is an odd place for a programmer to be... But there's something familiar about this place... It feels like... like I'm being watched!

*He spins around to see a malnourished pale creature standing three foot tall behind him.*

Odd creature: Buck me your phone!
Mr Bouncy: What?
Odd creature: What is your problem? Is you starting something? Ayi, buck me your phone!
Mr Bouncy: Excuse me?!
Odd creature: Buck me a game o' rotation, so I can send the nation... My appreciation!
Mr Bouncy: I don't have a phone, I'm looking for a great programmer.
Odd creature: Programmer? Shutup and gimme your phone or I'll rush ya.
Mr Bouncy: Look you fool, I'm looking for Yoga, and if you tell me where he is you can have my phone.
Odd creature: You said you didn't have a phone! Gimme it now, Yoga's .. er... behind that wall.

*Mr Bouncy gives the odd creature his phone and walks behind the wall to discover that Yoga isn't there. After hours of searching he finally finds Yoga, but to his shock and surprise, Yoga is in fact Yeiga!*

Mr Bouncy: What the hell?! This seriously messes everything else up!
Yeiga/Yoga: I know, I wanted to tell you Bouncy, but I didn't get a chance to tell you that I was in fact the creator of Pascal.
Mr Bouncy: So now what do we do?
Yeiga/Yoga: Well, get in my car, you can read my tutorials on programming and we'll try and find the ph4lcon.
Mr Bouncy: Good idea, let's go!

*They get into the car and drive away.*

Act II Scene II:
Yeiga's car and the ph4lcon have pulled up in the car park outside Heathrow.

Mr Bouncy: I thought London was destroyed!
Mock'Teeth: It's plot inconsistencies like this which make sci-fi what it is!
Mr Bouncy: *Sighs* Whatever...
Yeiga: Let's head to Terminal 2, we need to fly to America to tackle Microsoft at it's epicentre!
Mr Bouncy: Er... who financially backs this rebellion?
Yeiga: The whole thing's running off this fake credit card number I generated.
Mr Bouncy: Cool.

Act II Scene III:
An old folks retirement home in Kentucky.

Old Man: I didn't pay for 20 computers, or for first class tickets to America... Or a year's subscription to Harlett's Weekly...
Old Woman: Sorry, that's mine.

Act II Scene IV:
Back at Heathrow, now in the departure lounge.

Mock'Teeth: I can't believe we're freeloading a first class flight!
Mr Bouncy: I know, this is so cool.

*Mr Mavis walks past, but thankfully he doesn't realise our heroes.*

Yeiga: Oh my god, Mavis is here!

*Cue dramatic music*

Chalkbacca: He's catching our flight!

*Cue more dramatic music*

Mr Bouncy: This is getting really cheesy...
Chalkbacca: Then we're agreed on something
Mr Bouncy: We're agreed on everything!
Mock'Teeth: Good point, and since me and Yeiga didn't find an asteroid with a space slug in it, we haven't flirted yet!
Yeiga: We don't need to flirt.
Mock'Teeth: I'd actually rather delay the inevitable, at least until I find out if you ... er ...
Yeiga: I don't.
Mock'Teeth: Phew! Perhaps we could join the mile high club later...
Yeiga: Indeed.
Announcer: BA Flight 195 to America boarding now. First class passengers to the gate.
Mr Bouncy: Let's go!
Gate attendant: I'm afraid we'll have to search your laptops.
Mr Bouncy: *To Yeiga* They'll find all our illegal stuff!
Yeiga: Don't worry, I've made a 1337 program to hide it.
Mr Bouncy: w00t!
Gate attendant: You may now go through.

Act III Scene I:
The Rebels have now settled down into their seats.

Mr Bouncy: First class ... business class ... the difference? 3 inches, two olives and £400.
Yeiga: Why do you care?
Mr Bouncy: Fair point

*Over at Mr Mavis' seat...*

Mr Mavis: *To steward* I'd like a Gin and Tonic please.
Steward: I'm terribly sorry, but we don't serve drinks to drunkards.
Mr Mavis: I'm not drunk, what makes you think you I'm a drunkard?
Steward: Well you are wearing a paper bag on your head...
Mr Mavis: This? This is just a fashion statement, I don't need it.

*He takes it off.*

Steward: Ghaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh!!

*The steward collapses to the floor, writhing in agony.*

Mr Mavis: Oh yeah, I do need it, for the benefit of the world. Oh I'm so ugly... I guess I'll serve the drinks now.

*Mr Mavis walks around the plane, now pushing the drinks trolley.*

Mr Mavis: *To Mr Bouncy* Would you like a drink sir?
Mr Bouncy: Er, yes please, I'll have a coffee with a double whisky.
Mr Mavis: Yes sir...

*He serves the rest of the rebels and then walks off.*

Mr Bouncy: Oh my god, that was Mavis!
Yeiga: Well done!
Mr Bouncy: But he didn't recognise me.
Yeiga: Why should he? He's never seen you!
Mr Bouncy: *Thinking hard* ... Yes ... but -
Yeiga: Just go over there and fight him ok?
Mock'Teeth: Shouldn't I be frozen first?
Yeiga: Yeh, just go pop into the freezer, we'll be back for you later.

*Mock'Teeth sulks off to the freezer.*

Olawalando: He's survived the freezing process.
Yeiga: Olawalando system?
Olawalando: Buck me his Ph4lcon!
Yeiga: You really don't want it...

*Mr Bouncy and Mr Mavis meet.*

Mr Bouncy: Hey, I'm er.. Bouncy ... you know.. the guy you're meant to fight ... ?
Mr Mavis: Mr Powell has taught you well!
Mr Bouncy: Better than I can teach...
Mr Mavis: Impressive, most impressive, but you are not a programmer yet!
Mr Bouncy: You'll find I'm full of ****!
Mr Mavis: Don't you mean surprises?
Mr Bouncy: Yes...

*They activate their keyboards and move closer towards each other.*

Mr Mavis: *To himself* His keyboard looks familiar...

*They fight, and as in the fight between Mavis and Powell, the special effects crew have a bit of fun. Mavis forces Bouncy to the doors and hits the emergency open switch, opening the doors.*

Mr Mavis: You are beaten, don't let yourself be digitised as Powell did.
Mr Bouncy: *Laughing* Ha! Mr Powell never told you what happened to your keyboard!
Mr Mavis: Oh yeah? Well your mistress never told you what happened to your love child!
Mr Bouncy: He gave me your keyboard, but what's this about a love child?
Mr Mavis: Mr Powell never told you what happened to your love child.
Mr Bouncy: I have a love child?
Mr Mavis: You've already forgotten... *He has a hurt look on his face under the mask, but this turns to one of anger.* I am your love child!
Mr Bouncy: NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! That's not true! That's impossible!
Mr Mavis: Look at my birth certificate, you know it to be true! *He passes Bouncy his birth certificate, it says Mr Bouncy under the father section.* Now join me, and we can be programmers as father and son!
Mr Bouncy: I'll never join you!

*He looks towards the door, as he does, Mavis steals back his keyboard.*

Announcer: Would the gentleman with a bag on his head please shut the door as we are all about to die.
Mr Mavis: Oh, sorry!

*He closes the door and walks back to his seat. Bouncy is sitting by the door in a wreck. Yeiga walks up to him.*

Mr Bouncy: Master... er ... mistress Yoga, is Mr Mavis my love child?
Yeiga: When 144 years old you reach, be in the Guiness book of World records will you!
Mr Bouncy: Mistress, I need to know.
Yeiga: *With much effort* Your love child he is...
Mr Bouncy: What am I gonna do? I've got no keyboard, I've brought the ugliest possible creature onto the earth... and the border line between the different episodes is practically dead now.
Olawalando: You is his daddy? Man, it's just like in the 'hood, bruv, your Daddy leave you to go do better fings wiv his time, like programmin'. Same old story...
Yeiga: That's great... Is Mock'Teeth frozen yet?
Olawalando: Yep, he's as cold as a victim of a drive-by man.
Yeiga: Let's take him out of it then.
Blubba Fat: Not so fast, I can get a great deal of food by giving Mock'Teeth to Melma.
Yeiga: Cool, we want in.
Blubba Fat: Ok, I'll take him, I get the reward, we split the food between us and then you bust him out.
Chalkbacca: Isn't he supposed to be a bad guy?
Blubba Fat: I'm a mercenary, I work where the money is, and usually crime pays.
Chalkbacca: Fair enough.

Act III Scene II:
The plane has lands and the rebels go their separate ways: Bouncy to PC World to pick up a keyboard and then to Powell's house to turn it into a weapon; Blubba Fat and Mock'Teeth to Melma's Diner; Yeiga and Chalkbacca back to the rebel HQ to consolidate their loss.

*Cue end music*

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It is done, the next is yet to come...
http://jaggedconscience.serveftp.com