Alright, I just thought I would run the intro of a short story past you guys so you could give me some feed back. Any constructive criticism is good and welcome. A little background: Its Star-Wars based, mostly from my SW clan, the Dark Brotherhood. Mostly about my RP character in it, Exodius. Basically an origin story. Tell me what you think...
Story:
Tatooine. One of the biggest havens to hide if one is on the wrong side of the justice system. A dangerous place for most people, but for some, they call this place their office. This is certainly the case for a Trandoshan sitting at the Desert Krayt Cantina at Mos Eisley. Clad in a desert camo duster, pants, and a dark shirt, he sat drinking a Dosh Ale. A Zabrak, with a crown of horns circling his head sat beside him. “Have any luck today, Exodius?” The Zabrak asked. The Trandoshan looked at him. “I wouldn’t be sitting here enjoying my ale if I didn’t,” Exodius replied. Indeed, he did have a lot of luck today, his quarry leaving him in an ambush of four Tusken Raiders armed with gaffi sticks. Of course, his prey got killed first, but since the burly reptilian killed the Tuskens with a few shots from his DX2 pistols, things evened out. He even got to collect more money on selling the authentic gaffi sticks and Sandpeople garb.
“Yeah, wasn’t too bad of a day,” the Trandoshan stated. “How about you, Verak’on?” The Zabrak shrugged at the question, seemingly disappointed. “Eh, turns out there was an error on the bounty terminal. I think someone tried to slice it to get their name off the local hit lists.” The Trandoshan nodded his similar disapproval. Being a bounty hunter was indeed prestigious work, but since the Empire had fallen, work began to decline. Luckily, Exodius was prepared for this. He tossed the bartender a credit tab and began to walk out. “So where you off to this time, Exo?” a confused Verak’on asked. Looking to see his drinking buddy, he said “Well, since bounty hunting has been in a slump, I took some mercenary work. Gotta head to a New Republic outpost on Sluis Vain.” The horned humanoid looked even more confused and exclaimed “ New Republic?! Why in the name of Sarlaac would you work for them? They don’t pay enough usually.”
“True, but this time they paid more than enough. And in advance. Just gotta baby sit a Republic outpost with some artifacts shipped from Korriban,” the Trandoshan explained. “Well, that does seem simple enough. I wonder why they are paying so much,” Verak’on pondered. Exodius shrugged and waved a goodbye to his friend and headed for the starport.
Story:
Tatooine. One of the biggest havens to hide if one is on the wrong side of the justice system. A dangerous place for most people, but for some, they call this place their office. This is certainly the case for a Trandoshan sitting at the Desert Krayt Cantina at Mos Eisley. Clad in a desert camo duster, pants, and a dark shirt, he sat drinking a Dosh Ale. A Zabrak, with a crown of horns circling his head sat beside him. “Have any luck today, Exodius?” The Zabrak asked. The Trandoshan looked at him. “I wouldn’t be sitting here enjoying my ale if I didn’t,” Exodius replied. Indeed, he did have a lot of luck today, his quarry leaving him in an ambush of four Tusken Raiders armed with gaffi sticks. Of course, his prey got killed first, but since the burly reptilian killed the Tuskens with a few shots from his DX2 pistols, things evened out. He even got to collect more money on selling the authentic gaffi sticks and Sandpeople garb.
“Yeah, wasn’t too bad of a day,” the Trandoshan stated. “How about you, Verak’on?” The Zabrak shrugged at the question, seemingly disappointed. “Eh, turns out there was an error on the bounty terminal. I think someone tried to slice it to get their name off the local hit lists.” The Trandoshan nodded his similar disapproval. Being a bounty hunter was indeed prestigious work, but since the Empire had fallen, work began to decline. Luckily, Exodius was prepared for this. He tossed the bartender a credit tab and began to walk out. “So where you off to this time, Exo?” a confused Verak’on asked. Looking to see his drinking buddy, he said “Well, since bounty hunting has been in a slump, I took some mercenary work. Gotta head to a New Republic outpost on Sluis Vain.” The horned humanoid looked even more confused and exclaimed “ New Republic?! Why in the name of Sarlaac would you work for them? They don’t pay enough usually.”
“True, but this time they paid more than enough. And in advance. Just gotta baby sit a Republic outpost with some artifacts shipped from Korriban,” the Trandoshan explained. “Well, that does seem simple enough. I wonder why they are paying so much,” Verak’on pondered. Exodius shrugged and waved a goodbye to his friend and headed for the starport.
obviously you've never been able to harness the power of cleavage...
maeve
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