I was feeling nostalgic today, so I decided I'd share my story from my time in the service.

See, back in the 1940s, midgets didn't have much in the line of work. We pretty much just helped out on Fantasy Islands, Bond movies, and porn. Then WWII rolled around, and we suddenly had jobs again. Midgets were used as secret agents over in Japan. I was an amazing spy. I intercepted a large briefcase of Japanese porn being sent to Hitler. It was likely the porn was being used as a treaty between the Japanese and Germany. Gladly, I to this day have that stash of pornography that could have united the axis powers on a horrific level.

But my time in Japan became horrible after I was bitten in the crotch by a German Hissing Beatle. Of course, all of the antidotes for German Hissing Beatles were in Germany. Well, apparently the Hissing Beatles foresaw that plan of action, and moved their strike to the Pacific Theater. Needless to say, I was down the creek without a paddle. My tactical grew 4 times their size, and my penis became 45 pounds heavier. I was sent home within the year, and didn't win any medals or any honors because America didn't want to look bad.

I spent the next 40 years of my life back home, wallowing in my gigantic penis sorrow. The lady I'd had wait for me didn't want me with my new bloated package. So I retreated to my cellar and spent most of my time crying.

That is, until I got called back on that same night I'd drank enough to put a gun to my head. I was thrilled to be back in the service. They said that, even with my being a midget, and having a penis the same size as myself, they had a place for me. We went to a place called Vietnam. I operated a tank for the first part of my service until I found my true calling: Paper weighting. My massive penis was able to hold down an amazing amount of paper. You could say I 'won' us that war when I held down the treaty papers during Nam's worst tropical storm ever.

After Nam, a lot of us soldiers weren't all that welcome at home. I guess they just didn't understand that we weren't doing anything but our jobs. I tried to get a job at home weighing down papers, but it just wasn't as important here at home.

But then my life changed when the military got me in contact with an amazing doctor who fixed my crotch problem. Now I'm a ripe 120 years old, and plan to cryogenically freeze myself when my time comes so that I can possibly experience another war.

Tell your stories!
[Just realized this might be better for the ISB... can anyone move it for me?]

My story? My story is long and confusing. And confusing. I don't remember most of it now. Now I only remember the most interesting parts. I think my story used to rhyme, too. Like an epic. Now that I've forgotten much of it only some of the lines rhyme. I'm sure that a significant portion of my story has been translated incorrectly. The important parts remain, but there could be confusing. And confusing. Did I already say that?

My story starts out with me born in a barn
My mother was short and my father was tall
The cow mooed so loud when my mother gave birth
That it must have awakened the god of the earth
Which is why, [as] I grew up, he played important a role.

And so Joshua said To me,
"You cannot feed the rabbits rabbit feed,
"Nor does it [do them] good to be fed beansprouts
And I sat and pondered his ponderous words.
Long and short I did [open] my brain to his words.

For Joshua was my childhood friend
And our childhood friendship would never end
It seems that our brotherhood was destined to be
For the god of the earth said unto me
"He shall be thy brother and you shall be his [brother]"

It is now important now to note
As I rehearse this tale by rote
That the god of the sun and of the earth
Was mightily present and the time of my birth
And thus he bore many gifts unto me

"Oh how LONG must I suffer"
I said unto him who was causing me to suffer
Many seasons have I suffered under the eyes of A'Sh'L'Il
And many seasons have I suffered under his eyes
Why does he suffer me to suffer

But then Joshua, now mighty and strong
Reached out with his arms so long
And Joshua, he who was [made my brother] by the god of the earth
Struck him to the ground and struck him to the earth
Causing me to desire to shout for joy

Now the days of my writing do fast fall away
And I cannot for much too long write of my days
So to you, my son, do I bear up my gift
For you to take care of with much thrift
And I say unto you [have a nice day].