Hi ISB,

Attached is a super rough copy of a pilot for a TV show I'm trying to pitch to my university's programming-starved network.

http://www.sticklertron.com/Teleplay_Pilot.pdf

If you get a chance, please give it a read-through. It's supposed to be ~22 minutes long, with four acts, to allow for three commercial breaks. It's a dark comedy. Please let me know what you particularly liked and particularly disliked. Also, if you have any suggestions for improvement or constructive criticism, I would be most obliged.

Thanks!

- Grismath

Could you provide us with the exact assignment, please?

Before I post feedback, I'd also like to know some things:

1) Who is your intended audience?
2) How do you foresee this TV show being advertised?
3) What do you see as the general story-arc(s) for this show?

The more information and such you can provide, the better we can provide the necessary feedback.

1) Boston University students, but the 18-30something crowd in general should be able to identify.

2) Word of mouth, facebook ads, fliers, coverage in the school newspaper, possibly school radio, and a table at the Student Union.

3)
A - The Infection, some sort of disease is released from the BU Biolab (which is actually under construction, causing much controversy) which creates "fast zombies"
B - Geoff wants to get to know and impress Helen, the girl of his dreams
C - The Undead Rising, historical figures rise from graveyards around Boston, "slow zombies" that fight the Infected and try to eat human brains
D - The survivors try to rescue others
E - The survivors try to discern the reasons behind the infection

This will only be a four-episode mini-series, as currently planned

For 4 episodes, I feel like this first hasn't established anything for me. An outbreak happens... why do I care? While there's a few funny moments (the cell phone message being all "!*^#!" for example), it doesn't seem terribly entertaining. The thugs seem unbelievable, the survivor-types seem to just make pseudo-sex jokes, and with the exception of the possible historical figure-zombies (which I picked up on before it was mentioned), the zombies don't seem to add much of anything.

If you're going for mostly classic zombie-survival, you'll have to really make the characters worth caring about.

If you're hoping to beef up the absurd dark comedy style, you need to add a lot more moments like that cellphone text, and really go over-the-top.

If you want there to be a twist with the historical zombies (as seems evident), you really should bring that up earlier on (especially if it's going to be a major focus).

Ideally, you'll do all of the above, perhaps more the second because this is mostly a college audience, though the other two will certainly help. As it stands, I think you should condense a lot of it down and/or work on adding the above stuff, because it still feels like it's maybe only half an episode. It doesn't seem to stand well enough on its own, and I don't care enough about the characters to be hooked into what cliffhanger seems to be there.

well, so far i think it sounds as good if not more entertaining than most zombie movies ive seen.

in the beginning, it feels like the thugs are a little abrupt... guy working on his experiments then... pow! thugs in your face! maybe you could have cuts of the thugs breaking into the building and sneaking down hallways interspersed in the opening credits with the guy doing his research?

also the mr clean guy seem to have a bit of an anticlimactic ending. perhaps you could have the young people force him out the door and have him plead to get back in or some such?

but yes, so far i like it

Mr. Clean was overreacting. As evidenced by what happened to Katy, he had only been bitten by a rat in the air ducts. He returns in a later episode as a minor villain.

Also, I am working on improving the thugs.

well... nevermind that part of what i said then...:ninja:

New draft posted here: http://forums.massassi.net/vb3/showthread.php?p=973164#post973164

How'd all this go, by the way? Sorry I never went through your second draft.