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ForumsInteractive Story Board → Massassi Wars: A New Hope
Massassi Wars: A New Hope
2009-04-01, 7:49 PM #1
I found this while looking through some old stuff the other day. I thought I'd post it for the old-timers who would remember it. Written by members of TACC and including members of that site and Massassi as characters. Posted exactly as it is written in the files I have.

Massassi Wars: A New Hope


CookedHaggis
Stormtrooper


I'm posting a bunch of non-story, pointless stuff first. Please read.

[Disclaimer: Some people may take offence at the way they’re name are used in this story. The writers didn’t ask for permission because, to be frank, we’re lazy. So if you are offended in anyway, don’t hesitate to complain to Anthony Piggott, it’s all his fault I swear. And before anyone starts complaining about the use of Massassi as the evil empire, I’ll just say now that Massassi is a great website, and I’m highly aware that no Massassi = No TACC. Got that? Good. Now we can mock everyone all we want…]

[Note to any prospective writers: Feel free to add a reply (This is an Interactive story board after all). This is just to say really that we were hoping to stick roughly to the plot of ANH, so no making yourself the hero etc. We reserves the right to ignore posts though (note to Ant: Notice the "we"- ask someone first this time . This isn’t (quite) another ANS, though obviously pointless bits will end up in it somehow ). Oh, and one more thing, a few of us slaved for ages (well not quite) to come up with a cast list, and we’d be obliged if you’d stick to it (Though obviously other characters are allowed and indeed welcome- though try and keep it Star Warsish)]

Cast

Luke – Chris Swanwalker
Han –Burrie *
Admiral Ackbar – Admiral Ryan
Captain Antilles - Himself, sort of...
Leia – Matthew
Chewie – Chewbubba
C-3P0 - B-3OAM (aka Anthony)
R2-D2 - Hamish McR2 (aka CookedHaggis)
Ben / Obi-Wan - Chris / Cobi-Dan Hilldewandokosserobibananaramanose
Emperor Palpatine - Emperor Brian
Darth Vader - Darth ******
Governor Tarkin - Governor Kedri
General - General Heeb
Stormtroopers - Massassians

(* - We had to reward his reading of ANS somehow even if it does mean he has a relationship with Matthew)

Misc. Stuff

The Force – The JED (An energy field created by the Code Alliance)
• Light Side – SP
• Dark Side – MP
Lightsabre – Cleaving tool

------------------------------------------------------------


MASSASSI WARS

EPISODE IV: A NEW HOPE

It is a period of civil war. TACC spaceships, striking from a hidden base, have won their first victory against the evil MASSASSI EMPIRE (taking down the forums).
During the battle, TACC spies managed to steal secret plans to Massassi’s ultimate weapon, the MASSASSI LEVEL PACK #4, an armoured multiplayer level pack with enough power to destroy an entire Single Player gaming community.
Pursued by Massassi’s sinister agents, Princess Matthew races home abroad her starship, custodian of the secret plans that can save her people and restore freedom to the JK community...


*Near the small, outer rim planet of Taccooine, Princess Matthew’s ship, the Toprawa IV (Under the command of one Captain Antilles), desperately flees from the mile-long death that is the Massassi Star Destroyer "Flaming". The mass of threatening green closes on the small blockade runner, massive turbolasers pummelling the tiny craft into submission.
On board the red and black vessel, two droids discuss the surrounding chaos, unaware of the hand fate has dealt them…*

B-3OAM: "Did you hear that? They've shut down the main reactor. Everyone else’ll
be destroyed for sure!!!!! Sod this, I’m off!!!!"

Rebel troops run past the two robots and take up defensive positions
in the passageway. They aim their blasters toward the door and prepare for the inevitable.

B-3OAM: "We're pretty ****ed!!!!!"

Hamish McR2: "Beep beep." *

* "You always say that. For god’s sake, get a grip, your constant whining isn’t half annoying."

B-3OAM: "There'll be no escape for Princess Matthew this time. Thanks goodness for that."

Hamish McR2: "Beep beep." *
* "Show a little optimism for once in your rusty life will you?"

*Loud metallic clangings and the scream of heavy equipment
are heard moving around the outside hull of the ship.

B-3OAM: "What the bloody hell’s that?"

*The Toprawa IV lies dead in space, immobilised by the blistering Imperial lasers. "Flaming" overtakes the stricken craft, and drags it in…*


AKPiggott
Stormtrooper


The Toprawa IV gets drawn into the Massassi Star Destroyer...

* Cue "special effects" featuring models made out of painted Weetabix boxes *

The TACCers stand nervous, waiting for the Massassians to pounce at any moment...

The door blows...

Massassians run in and start shooting it out with the TACCers....

B-3OAM and Hamish McR2.. run through the fight...

B-3OAM "Why the f**k did I listen to you? You no good Scottish nancy droid..."

Suddenly Darth ****** comes in and grabs Antilles by the throat...

****** "Why did you give Vader's Journey such a low review, Antilles?"

"CUT!"

The director/producer/writer bloke, George Puckas runs on...

PUCKAS "This is Massassi Wars people, not that complete rip-off 'Star Wars' it's ******'s Journey, not Vader's Journey... got it?"

****** "Sorry boss..."

PUCKAS "Right... ACTION!"

****** "Why did you give ******'s Journey such a low review, Antilles?"

ANTILLES "Poor architecture, *gasp* gameplay... and... *gasp* item... placement...."

Antilles dies...

Vader... I mean ****** throws him at the wall...

****** "Tear this ship apart I want to find out why it got such a low review, that level featured Me, the allmighty..."

MASSASSIAN "Uhh... my Lord..."

****** "What?!"

MASSASSIAN "Wouldn't it be better to look for the Massassi Level Pack 4 plans, that is why we are here..."

****** "Very well... look for the blasted plans then..."

An ugly fat, pulsating Australian woman puts a card into McR2 who makes curious beeping noises...

B-3OAM comes along...

B-3OAM "What are you doing? Picking up Australian whores again... come along, let's get outta here... before they send me to the Spice Mines of Derra IV....."

MCR2 "*Beep* *Beep* (Why do you want me to come? I thought you only gave a $hiT about yourself.)"

B-3OAM "I do, I need you to open the Escape pod dumbarse..."

They go into the Escape Pod...

MCR2 "*Beep* *Beep* (You'll regret this, leaving all those poor people to die...)"

B3-OAM "Regret this? I don't give a monkey's as long as I get outta here..."

The Escape Pod jettisons

MASSASSIAN 1 "There goes another one..."

MASSASSIAN 2 "Hold your fire, it's just a couple of annoying droids from Britain, besides, this wouldn't make a good story if we killed them off right at the start... they're a major plot element you know..."

MASSASSIAN 1 "Good point..."


CookedHaggis
Stormtrooper


*On board the Flamer, Massassians search for prisoners*

Blujay: "There she…er…he is! Set for stun!"

Matthew rolls sideways out from his hiding place and blasts a trooper with
his stealth pistol. He starts to run and is about to turn on his cloak aug when he is felled by a stun ray.

Blujay: "He'll be all right. Inform Lord ****** we have a prisoner."

*In the escape Pod, Hamish McR2 and B-3OAM look out at the receding Imperial starship.
Stars circle as the pod rotates through the galaxy.

B-3OAM: "That's odd, the damage doesn't look as bad from out here. We could’ve stayed on the damn ship after all.

Hamish McR2: "Beep Beep." [Selfish git. What about me eh? Didn’t spare a thought for the little guy did you? I’ve saved your *** countless times you ungrateful wreck]

B-3OAM: "That’s not the point. And is it just me, or does this thing not seem very safe?"

*On board the Flamer, Princess Matthew is marched down a hallway by a squad
of Massassians. They stop in a smoky hallway as Darth ******
approaches*

Matthew: "Darth ******, I should have known. Only you could be so bold. When the Senate realise I’ve gone, they’ll miss my sarcastic and cutting comments, and they’ll realise that I’ve been kidnapped. And I was on a diplomatic mission to Harjassk.

Darth ******: "The senate is full of mindless, squabbling beurocrats. I want those plans the TACC spies gave you."

Matthew: "I don't know what you're talking about helmet head. Hey, what do all those button’s on your suit do?"

Darth ******r: You're a part of the TACC Alliance...and a traitor. And those buttons are none of your business. Take her away!

Slug: "Lord ******, the battle station plans are not aboard this ship! They’re probably in that escape pod that wasn’t shot down because it’s a very important plot device."

Darth ******: "He must have hidden the plans in the escape pod. Send some Massassians down to get it. See to it personally Slug."

Slug: "Yes Lord Juz."

Darth ******: "That's Lord ****** to you minion."

AKPiggott
Stormtrooper


On Taccooine...

The escape pod has crashed in the desert. B-3OAM and Hamish McR2 emerge.

B-3OAM "I'm made to suffer, it's my lot in life..."

MCR2 "*Beep* *Beep* (Bloody hell, at least you're still in one piece, the crash has screwed up all my circuits and my middle leg has fallen off...)"

B-3OAM "Quit your whining...."

Suddenly two Massassians come along...

MT-421 "Look sir, droids..."

B-3OAM "What, the f**k are you doing? It's a major plot element that we escape here, come back later when we're gone, here McR2, drop your leg on the floor deliberately so that there is evidence of us being here earlier, just to keep the plot up, I'm sure we can get a new leg off of Chris... I mean, our next owner, whoever he is...."

The Massassians leave, for now....

B-3OAM "What a desolate s**thole we've landed on..."

MCR2 "*Beep *Beep* (That bloody does it, I'm off.. I can't stand your whining anymore...)"

B-3OAM "I'm not going that way, I'm going to go over there, I can see a pub...."

McR2 zooms off into the desert, whilst B-3OAM goes into the pub...

B-3OAM walks into the pub...

B-3OAM "Gimme a pint of bitter, now!!"

Suddenly, a bunch of Jawas rush out the women's toilets, Ambush B-3OAM and take him to their Sandcrawler...

Meanwhile... McR2 is strolling through "Bugger's Canyon"

A load of Jawas come along capture him and take him to their Sandcrawler...

Later on the sandcrawler...

B-3OAM "Oh, this stupid plot, can't I go five minutes in this story without being stuck with you?"

MCR2 "*Beep* *Beep* (You think you got it bad? I have to put up with your pitiful whining)"

Back at the escape pod...

MT-421 "Oh, they've gone, right then... *ahem*..."

MT-421 picks up McR2's middle leg...

MT-421 "Look sir, droids..."

The Sandcrawler continues on and stops at a moisture farm...

A moisture farmer, Muuurgh Lars and his foster nephew person, Chris Swanwalker emerge out of a crappy house... the voice of Muuurgh's wife... umm... Emambu... calls Chris...

AUNTIE EMAMBU "Chris, Chris..."

Chris goes running to his Auntie...

CHRIS "What do you want you old hag?"

EMAMBU "Tell uncle that if he gets a translator make sure it speaks 1337 hacker talk..."

CHRIS "Doesn't look like I have a choice, but I'll remind him..."

MUUURGH (to Jawas) "How come you're only selling two droids today?"

JAWA "These two are the most annoying ones, we want them disposed of quickly..."

MUUURGH "You, do you speak 1337 hacker talk?"

B-3OAM "I'm a protocol droid, that means I can speak tonnes of languages that you can't becuase you're just a fat retarded moisture farmer..."

MUUURGH "What I need is a droid that can understand the jibberish of my moisture vapourators..."

B-3OAM "Well, I find that sort of stuff easy, but I'm way too good to be stuck with an owner like you... I mean look at you... you're wearing a toga..."

MUUURGH "Right, shut up, I'll take him..."

B-3OAM "Don't leave me here with him, I need an owner that washes every once in a while...."

MUUURGH "I'll take that Scottish AstroMech too, just to go with the plot... Chris take these two to the garage, clean them up, give this AstroMech a new middle leg..."

CHRIS "But I was gonna go to TACC and download BoaM3...."

MUUURGH "You can waste time with your levels later on..."

CHRIS "Aww... Come on..."

B-3OAM "Oh my God, bad hair day, look at you, you look like something from 1977... haha...."

CHRIS "Uncle Muurgh..."

MUUURGH "Yeah?"

CHRIS "This protocol droid has a bad attitude, look!"

MUUURGH (To Jawas) "Hey, what are you trying to push on us?"

The Sandcrawler speeds off...

MUUURGH "B*ll*cks!"

CookedHaggis
Stormtrooper


*Inside the Skywalker's garage*

Chris: "It's so unfair. Oh, CGuy is right. I'm never gonna get away from this dump!"

B-3OAM: "Can I help? Myself to some of your belongings?"

Chris: "Well, not unless you can alter time, speed up the harvest, or teleport me off this rock!"

B-3OAM: "I'm a bloody droid you fool, how am I supposed to do anything like that? And where the bloody hell are we?"

Chris: "This dump of a planet where nothing fun happens."

B-3OAM: "I see sir."

Chris: "Uh, you can call me Chris."

B-3OAM: I see, sir Luke.

Chris: "Just Chris."

B-3OAM: "Hello Just Chris, I am Bee-Three-Oh-Em, humans v cyborgs relations, and this is
my counterpart, Artoo-Detoo."

Chris: "Hello."

McR2: " BeepBeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
eeeeep." (Wasssssssssssssssssssssssssssssup?)

*Chris starts cleaning the droids*

Chris: "You've got a lot of carbon scoring here. It looks like you boys have seen a lot of action. Or have just been up to some kinky droid you-know-what."

B-3OAM: "Flithy [censored]. You have a very dirty mind Just Chris."

Chris: "Yeah, well it's not as bad as my mate CGuy, he can see something dodgy in the most mundane of surroundings."

B-3OAM: "And anyway, it's hard to stay clean when you've got to single-handedly fight the entire rebellion by yourself."

McR2: "Beep Beep." (What about me? All you ever do is sit about whining."

B-3OAM: "Admittedly I had some help."

Chris: "You know of the rebellion against Massassi?"

B3-OAM: "Duh. I just told you."

Chris: "Have you been in many battles?"

B3-OAM: "Yeah, ****ing loads. And I won the majority of them by myself. Take the strike against their forums for example- that was all my doing."

McR2: "Beep Beep." (Shut up. Just 'cos you can actually talk in english doesn't mean you can lie your *** off)

*Chris spots a piece of metal protruding from McR2, and tries to dislodge it*

Chris: "What's this..."

*It breaks free*

Matthew: "Help me Cobi-Dan Hilldewandokosserobibananaramanose. Your my only hope."

Chris: "What the frig is this?"

McR2: "Beep Beep." (Like we're going to tell you. Look at you, you can even get a decent haircut, so we're hardly going to trust you with military secrets)

B3-OAM: "Err....he says it's a malfunction or something."

Chris: "Who's she? She's..er....pretty ugly."

B3-OAM: "How should I know?"

*Chris tries to extract more of the message*

McR2: "Beep Beep." (Stop it. Oi, B3, just tell him it's Cobi-Dan Hilldewandokosserobibananaramanose's message, because I can't be bothered playing it all right now.)

B3-OAM: "It's a private message Just Chris, for Cobi-Dan Hilldewandokosserobibananaramanose. He lives around here."

Chris: "Hmmm...I don't know who Cobi-Dan Hilldewandokosserobibananaramanose is, maybe he means Old Man Chris Hill. He's this crazy guy who lives in the desert."

*Chris Takes off the restraining bolt*

Chris: "Don't run away. Got that? Remember, I don't want you to run away. This isn't a hint. Not at all."

Aunt Emambu: "Chris! Get your lazy behind in here!"

Chris: "Coming Aunt Emambu."

*Chris shoots a filthy look at the dorids*

Chris (to himself): "Bloody droids...more hassle than they're worth...playing messages of ugly people for no reason..."

AKPiggott
Stormtrooper


CHRIS "You know, I think those droids might have been stolen, that little Scottish McR2 claims to be the property of Cobi-Dan Hilldewandokosserobibananaramanose, do you know what he's talking about?"

MUUURGH "Why, yes, he was an old friend of your father's when your father was a Jedi, just before he became a Sith..."

Emambu kicks Muuurgh in the shin and gives him a funny look...

MUUURGH "Ow... I mean, I dunno who he is, doesn't ring a bell at all, no..."

CHRIS "I thought he might have meant old Chris.."

MUUURGH "Their names sound nothing like each other..."

CHRIS "Hmm... I have no idea why I thought that, I think it's just another plot element... by the way, we have so many droids, I'm gonna screw you and go to the Academy and leave this whole mess behind..."

MUUURGH "No, I need you this season, we need more droids first..."

CHRIS "Ugh! I can't stand living under the same roof as someone who doesn't bathe..."

Chris runs off in a strop...

EMAMBU (sounding badly dubbed) "Muuurgh, he can't stay here forever, most of his friends have gone..."

MUUURGH "What friends?"

EMAMBU "Good point..."

Chris looks up at the 17 and a half suns of Taccoooine setting over Bugger's Canyon...

* Cue emotional music *

Chris goes back in the garage, B-3OAM emerges...

CHRIS "What are you doing back there?"

B-3OAM "Mind your own f**king business... I was looking for the Financial Times..."

CHRIS "Where's McR2..."

B-3OAM "Oh, he wanted to go and find that Cobi-Dan Hilldewandokosserobibananaramanose weirdo, so I let him go..."

CHRIS "What?"

B-3OAM "He's not my responsibility, anyone ever told you you look like Noddy Holder with that hair?"

CHRIS "Uncle Muuurgh will sell you to the Spice Mines of Derra IV if he finds you..."

B-3OAM "Umm... let's look for him..."

CHRIS "It's too dangerous with all the SadPeople about..."

B-3OAM "SadPeople?"

CHRIS "A load of depressed people that roam about the Dung Sea killing people..."

B-3OAM "OK, let's not look for him yet then..."

CookedHaggis
Stormtrooper


*The next morning*

Muuurgh: "Where's Chris? I was going to make him clean the loo and any other jobs I couldn't be bothered doing."

Emambu: "I think he went to the Vangilis Station to laugh at the untextured pictures."

Muuurgh: "Oh."

*Cue shot of Chris's Landspeeder*

Chris: "There's a droid on the scanner up ahead."

*They stop the speeder and run up to the little droid*

B3-OAM: "And where do you think you're going you little jerk?"

McR2: "Beep Beep." (Look, just because I got chosen for this mission and not you, doesn't mean you have to get all pissed off about it)

Chris: "We've got to get back, Uncle Muuurgh'll be really annoyed..."

McR2: "Beep Beep." (Aw crap, there's a couple of guys approaching, and they don't seem friendly)

Chris: "What's wrong?"

B3-OAM: "He says we're pretty ****ed."

*Chris grabs a gun from the landspeeder*

Chris: "C'mon, let's check it out."

B3-OAM: "Nah, I'll stay here and...uh...guard the landspeeder."

Chris: "C'mon, I don't have all day."

*Chris gets into a fight with a SadPerson , and gets knocked unconscious. The SadPeople then raid the landspeeder*

Mysterious Voice: "Grr. Howl etc."

*The SadPeople $)-(17 it and run*

*CHill spots McR2 hiding away*

CHill: "Come here. Hey...you look pretty familiar..."

Chris: "My head..."

CHill: "The Junky wastes aren't to be travelled high."

Chris: "What? I wasn't high. I just got attacked by some SadPeople."

CHill: "A bit too much spice eh?"

Chris: "No!"

CHill: "So what are you doing out here with two droids that look oh-so-familiar."

Chris: "Looking for this annoying wee droid. He wants to give you a message."

CHill: "Ah...that'll be the package I ordered from the internet. Funny, they usually come in a plain brown packaging...."

Chris: "Well he's looking for Cobi-Dan Hilldewandokosserobibananaramanose."

CHill: "Cobi-Dan Hilldewandokosserobibananaramanose? That's a name I've not heard in a long time...a long time..."

Chris: "So it's you then?"

CHill: "Of course I know him! It's...oh...yes..you figured it out."

CHill: "We'd better go indoors. My old bones are getting cold."

AKPiggott
Stormtrooper


Meanwhile at the Homestead...

DING DONG!

MUUURGH "Oh honey, can you get that... I'm taking a $H|T...."

EMAMBU "Sure thing dear..."

Emambu opens the front door...

MUUURGH "Who is it, hon'?"

EMAMBU "It's a bunch of Massassians, care to come in for some tea, Gentlemen.. argh..."

Auntie Emambu gets flamethrowerated....

The Massassians then flame Muuurgh whilst on the crapper and burn the whole house down...

SLUG "Did you find the droids?"

MYSTIC JUPITER "No, sir... looks like we got the wrong house again..."

SLUG "Whoops! Just do what we always do, make it look like the SadPeople did it, like we did with the Jawas' Sandcrawler...."

At Old Chris' house

B-3OAM "What a dump..."

CHILL "I won this house on Family Fortunes back in 1926, myself and your father pretended we were brothers, we were Jedis you know..."

CHRIS "What? No my father wasn't a Jedi, he was an act in a travelling freak show..."

CHILL "That's what your Uncle told you, he's a lying b@$t@rd that's had it in for me ever since I had an affair with his wife.... anyway. let's find out what this droid is doing here..."

CHRIS "I saw part of a message..."

CHILL "I seem to have found it..."

A hologram of Matthew appears...

MATTHEW "G'day General Hilldewandokosserobibananaramanose, you served my great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great Grandfather in the clone wars 300,000 years ago, now he begs for your help, well, OK that's a lie, he's been dead for thousands years, so it's me that's begging for your help... I put the plans of the Massassi Level Pack 4 into this annoying little Scottish droid... where... fzzt... fruzz..... Harjassk.... help me Cobi-Dan Hilldewandokosserobibananaramanose, you're my only hope *fart* oh excuse me...."

It cuts out and starts playing an episode of Happy Days...

MCR2 "*Beep* *Beep* (Oh sorry, I must have recorded over that)"

Old Chris looks at young Chris

CHILL "You must learn the ways of the Jed, if you are to come with me to Harjassk... here's your Father's Celaving Tool, this is the weapon of a Jedi Knight, not as clumsy or random as a brush editor, an elegant tool for a more sophisticated gamer...."

Chris takes the saber...

CHRIS "How did my father die?"

CHILL "Die? Your father never.... oh wait, yes he did, Darth ******... umm... killed him... yes, now let's go to Harjassk."

CHRIS "Well, I can take you as far as AnkorToe, Uncle Muuurgh will kill me if he finds out that I come on a trip with you..."

CHILL "You must do what you feel is right, *mutter* coward *mutter* ..."

Cut to.... THE MASSSASSI LEVEL PACK 4....

Darth ****** and Moff Kedri walks into a room where a load of senior Imperials are sitting down drinking cocoa and watching EastEnders...


CookedHaggis
Stormtrooper


Archimedes: "And so I said to the stormtrooper: 'That's my helmet!'"

Heeb: "Hahahahaha!"

Assorted Masssassians: "Hahahaha!"

Darth ******: "That's not funny."

Archimedes: "Ah, Lord ****** I....ack..."

Darth ******: "I find your lack of humour disturbing."

Archimedes: "But who needs faith when we've got this big friggin' Level Pack that can blow up a planet?"

Darth ******: "Do not be too proud of this technological terror you've constructed. The ability to produce MP levels is insignificant next to the power of the JED."

Archimedes: "Ha! You don't frighten me. Your sad devotion to that ancient level editor has not allowed you to conjure up those plans...."

*Archimedes starts to choke*

Heeb (Whisper to MikeC): "Bloomin' heck."

Kedri: "Enough of this Juz! release him!"

Darth ******: "As you wish."

Archimedes: "*Gasp*."

*On Taccooine*

Chris: "Wow. Those SadPeople totally wasted the jawas. I'm glad too, those smelly pint-sizers were really annoying."

CHill: "They didn't."

Chris: "Who didn't?"

CHill: "The SadPeople didn't attack this, but we were mean to think they did. Look, these tracks are side by side, SadPeople always ride single file because only one of them has the confidence to lead. And these blast points; too accurate for SadPeople...and for that matter Massassi Stormtroopers...hmmmm...."

Chris: "So what are you saying?"

CHill: "Blame Massassi."

Chris: "But why would Massassians want to slaughter jawas?"

CHill: "Maybe the jawas were too good at debating?"

Chris: "Ah."

B-3OAM: "I reckon they were after me. 'Cos I'm so important."

Chris: "But if they were after you...that would lead the back....home...."

CHill: "Wait Luke! I don't have a speeder and it's miles back to my house!"


AKPiggott
Stormtrooper


Chris speeds to the Homestead... he sees his house is destroyed...

* Cue deperessing music... *

CHRIS: Uncle Muuurgh, Aunt Emambu....

He sees the crustified bodies of his foster Aunt and Uncle...

CHRIS: Oh... YES!!!

* Cue happy music *

CHRIS: I'm free from those damned Slave Drivers...

He then proceeds to urinate on their bodies....

Later, Chris returns back to the SandCrawler...

CHILL "There's nothing you could have done, had you been there, not that you are really bothered..."

CHRIS "Screw this place, let's go to Alderran.. I mean, Harjassk..."

CHILL "We should find a pilot at the Mos Eisley Cantina..."

* Cue effects with cardboard speeder speeding into cardboard spaceport... *

A couple of Massassians walk up to the speeder...

LIGHTSTAFF "How long have you had these droids?"

CHRIS "We bought them off a bunch of Jawas yesterday..."

Chill slaps himself on the forehead...

CHILL "What he means to say is, we've had these droids for ages..."

LIGHTSTAFF "Let me see your identification..."

CHRIS "Here you go..."

CHILL "No..."

LIGHTSTAFF "Hmmm.... Chris Swanwalker, legal guardians... Muurgh and Emambu Lars... those are the people we... err... the SadPeople slaughtered..."

CHILL "These aren't the droids you're looking for..."

LIGHTSTAFF "What? Of course they bloody are, we have proof that they are now.."

CHILL "Oh forget it, just speed off..."

They speed off...

LIGHTSTAFF "Hey! Come back!"

They stop outside a Cantina...

CHRIS "I can't believe we got past those Massassians, I tought we were dead..."

CHILL "Ok, this is the bar... we must be cautious..."

They walk in, there are strippers, and Tom Jones is there singing "It ain't unusual"...

BARTENDER "We don't serve their kind here..."

CHRIS "What?"

BARTENDER "Your British droids, we don't serve Brits here.."

CHRIS "But we're Brits too..."

BARTENDER "Yeah, but we except British major plot elements..."

CHRIS "Oh... you two, out!"

B-3OAM "Ha! I'm too good for this place...."

They go the the bar, two figures, Dr.ZOOIKes and his Alien sidekick, LominAle look at Chris....

ZOOIKes "He doesn't like you..."

CHRIS "Good, I don't like him..."

ZOOIKes "I don't like you either, you better watch yourself, we're nasty gits..."

CHRIS "I'll be careful..."

ZOOIKes "You'll be dead..."

Chill runs in and slashes the nasty men up, Tom Jones stops and just stares in horror, after a few seconds the music starts up again...

CHILL "Chewbubba here, is first mate on a ship that might suit us..."
CookedHaggis
Stormtrooper


Chris: "First mate? Him? He looks like the ship's pet."

Chewbubba: "Oi. I bet I'm cleaner than you."

Chris: "What the? It talks?"

Chewbubba: "Yes. I do. 70s boy."

Chris: "But you look like a walking carpet."

Chewbubba: "When 32 years you age, look as good, you will not."

CHill: "Stop arguing you fool, you do realise that wookies never lose arguments (or anything for that matter)."

Chris: "Why? Because they can pull your arms out of their sockets?"

CHill: "No. They're just good at stuff."

Chewbubba: "Look, do you want a ship not?"

CHill: "Sure, lead the way."

Burrie: "I'm Burrie Solo, captain of the HanMobile. Chewbubba here tells me you're looking for passage to the Harjassk system. Though why you want to go there is beyond me, the place is a dump."

CHill: "If it's a fast ship."

Burrie: "Fast ship? Haven't you heard of HanMobile?"

CHill: "Should I have?"

Burrie: "It's the ship that made the ANS run in less than 12 parsecs."

CHill: "Parsecs?"

Burrie: "Don't worry, it's explained in the EU. Anyway, my ship's damn fast. So what's the cargo?"

CHill: "Passengers. Myself, the boy, two droids..and no questions asked."

Burrie: "Oh yeah? Some kind of local trouble? Been sleeping around have you?"

CHill: "No. It's those bloody Massassians."

Burrie: "Ah. Well that's extra. Ten thousand, all in advance."

Chris: "Ten thousand?! We could almost buy our own ship for that!"

Burrie: "Yeah, but who's going to fly it punk? You?"

Chris: "You bet I could. And we'll call it the ChrisMobile and..."

CHill: "I only have two thousand."

Burrie: "Two thousand is no good, I need something more real."

CHill: "*waves his hand* Two thousand will do fine."

Burrie: "Sure, two thousand will do nicely."

Chewbubba: "Huh?"

Burrie: "I'll just get the ship ready, you two can just mince about in Mos Eisley for a while. Docking bay 98"

CHill: "98? That's an awfully high number. I didn't think anything deserved 98. I mean 95 Ok, but 98 is so close to a perfect 100."

Burrie: "Stop babbling. And it looks like those stormies are after you."

Nature Paladin: "What happened here?"

Master Mage: "So old guy went mad and started stabbing them."

Nature Paladin: "Alright, we'll check it out."

*Master Mage points to Han's booth, but only Han and Chewie are there*

Nature Paladin: "Old guy? Are you kidding about?"

Master Mage: "Err..he was here a second ago..*thinks*..er..maybe I mistook that wookie for an old guy."

Chewie "(shouting) I'm not old!"

Nature Paladin: "A Wookie? Er..everything seems to be in order here..goodbye.."

*The stromtroopers hurry away*

*Han gets up to leave, but is confronted by a rodian bounty hunter, EvanC*

Evan: "Going somewhere Burrie?"

Burrie: "Yeah, I was just about to pay off your boss."

Evan: "Ryan? What does he want money for?"

Burrie: "No, your other boss. Jabba. The big, fat, slimey Hutt."

Evan: "Oh, right. So you say you've got the money?"

Burrie: "Yeah."

Evan: "Oh. Well that's Ok then."

*Evan holsters his blaster and walks out*


AKPiggott
Stormtrooper


Burrie then shoots Evan when his back is turned. he goes to Docking Bay 98 only to be "greeted" by Dave the Hutt (David McHale) and some of his cronies....

DAVE "Solo? Are you in there Solo? Solo?"

BURRIE "Right here Dave, I've been waiting for you.."

DAVE "Burrie, my boy you disappoint me, look what you did to poor Evan.."

BURRIE "Listen Dave, next time see me yourself don't send one of your henchmen guys..."

DAVE "If every smuggler of mine dropped cargo at the sight of a Massassian junker.."

BURRIE "Even I get boarded, Dave, you think I had a choice? I got a nice easy charter, well I say easy, they aren't the best company I could have..but anyways I should be able to pay you back..."

DAVE "Burrie, you're the best.."

BURRIE (walking up the HanMobile's ramp) "Yes, you're a wonderful human being..*mutter* shame about your poor level editing skills *mutter*"

DAVE "What was that?"

BURRIE "Nothing!"

DAVE "Come on.."

Dave and his cronies leave, just as they are leaving, the Bounty Hunter, Sno Fett gives a really evil look to make him look really scary and give him a prescence and everything...


CookedHaggis
Stormtrooper


*Chris, CHill and the droids enter Docking Bay 98. They stop short when they see the ship*

Chris: "What a heap of junk. It looks like the spaceship equivalent of Planet Sith."

Burrie: "It'll make point 5 past lightspeed. She may be as ugly as an enraged Wookie (present company excluded), but it's got where it counts. Plus I've added some special modifications myself."

CHill: "Such as?"

Burrie: "Why I've..er..added some..uh...lights."

CHill: "Lights?"

Burrie: "Yes. They're coloured."

CHill: "*sigh* I suppose it'll have to do."

Burrie: "Good, now we're a little rushed, so if you'll just hurry aboard."

*Outside the docking bay, a group of stormtroopers march up to a shadowy figure*

Zanardi: "Which way did they go?"

*The figure points to the docking bay*

Zanardi: "Right men! Load your weapons. We're going to kick some rebel ***."

Aglar: "Uh..sir, these guys aren't rebels, they've just got some plans we want back."

Zanardi: "Shut up."

*The Massassians rush in and start blasting at the ship*

*The HanMobile takes off, and exits Taccooine's atmosphere*

Burrie: "Right, now we just.."

Chewbubba: "Oh bugger."

Burrie: "What?"

Chewbubba: "Two star destroyers, dead ahead. Excuse the pun."

Burrie: "Stay sharp Chewie, I'll make the calculations for the jump to hyperspace."

Chris: "Can't you just outrun them? You said this hunk of junk was fast."

Burrie: "Shut it."

CHill: "How long before we can make the jump?"

Burrie: "It'll take a few moments to get the coordinates from the navi-computer."

Chris: "We'll be dead in a few moments!"

Burrie: "Jumping into hyperspace ain't like writing Cogs boy. without precise calculations we might hit something."

*warning lights start going off*

Chris: "What's that flashing?!!!"

Burrie: "We're losing our shields. And stop using so many damn exclaimation marks. Strap yourself in, we're about to go into hyperspace."

*cue a cheap spacey effect*

*On board the Massassi Level Pack #4, Darth ******, Moff Kedri and General Heeb stare out the window at the planet*

Heeb: "We've entered the Harjassk system sir."

*Matthew is brought in by two guards*

Kedri: "Ah Princess Matthew, I've been expecting you."

Matthew: "Grand Moff Tarkin. I should have been expecting you to be holding ******'s leash. I recognised the stink of your B.O. when I was brought onboard."

Kedri: "Witty to the last. It was bloody easy signing your death warrent. Muwahahaha!!!! Oh, and by the way, I'm going to blow up."

Matthew: "Good."

Kedri: "Er..I meant to say that I'm going to blow up Harjassk!"

Matthew: "No! You can't do that! It's the only level I've finished."

BOOM

*The com buzzes*

Darth ******: "What?"

Emperor Brian: "Muwahaha!"

Darth ******: "Muwahahahaha!"

Kedri: "Who is it?"

Darth ******: "Brian."

Kedri: "Muwahahahahahaha!"

Emperor Brian: "So what you doing?"

Darth ******: "Blowing up a planet, using the level pack."

Emperor Brian: "True."

Darth ******: "True."

Matthew: "Finally."


AKPiggott
Stormtrooper


The HanMobile comes out of HyperSpace, there's all rocks and crap (made of cardboard, gee we have a low budget)...

CHILL "Looks like they've destroyed the planet, Matthew's levels never were that popular..."

BURRIE "Entire fleet couldn't destroy a planet... it'll take..."

CHILL "No, see here, in the script..."

BURRIE "He's right..."

Suddenly a TIE Fighter comes along...

CHRIS "It followed us!"

CHILL "No, it's a short range fighter..."

CHRIS "Look, it's heading towards that cardboard moon..."

CHILL "That's no moon, it's a level pack..."

BURRIE "It's too big to be a level pack..."

CHILL "Turn around..."

BURRIE "I can't! They're pulling us in! ARGHHH!!"


Muuurgh
Stormtrooper


The Massassi Level Pack 4 looms ever larger, taking up the viewport as the HanMobile is pulled inevitably closer.

CHill: Hmm. Muuurgh must have joined the thread, he's the only guy I know who bothers to write sentences like that.

Burrie: That's because his talent for funny dialogue blows.

A control console hanging precariously from the cockpit roof smashes into his head.

Burrie: What I meant to say is that he possesses an uncanny ability for description. That doesn't matter now, though. We're being sucked in to the most powerful collection of overrated deathmatch levels this side of planethalflife.com! We'll have to blast our way out...

CHill: No, that would be playing right into their hands. Nobody can outfight the massassians in their own deathmatch levels. But there are alternatives to fighting...

Chris: You mean hacks?

CHill: No, I mean we'll hide under the floor and somehow ambush the stormtroopers on board without anyone hearing the blaster fire, then we'll put on their armor, which will have no scorch marks whatsoever on it despite the fact that even puny rebel blasters have shot through it on repeated occasions. Then I'll somehow sneak past a few legions of stormtroopers and find the one tractor beam emitter on a level pack that's about 589,342,000 miles in diameter and hope that they don't just turn it back on when we try to escape. Then we'll meet back here and somehow get overlooked by the thirty or so massassians watching the ship and fly away, destroying a lousy three TIEs in a pack equipped with over 30,000.

Burrie: It's foolproof!

By this time, the ship has been drawn fully into the docking bay.
AKPiggott
Stormtrooper


CHILL "Foolproof? Who's the more foolish the fool, or the fool that follows him?"

BURRIE "Damn fool, I knew you were gonna say that..."

CHILL "Who's the more foolish the fool, or the fool that follows him?"

CHRIS "What did you have to say that for, Bur'? You fool..."

CHILL "Who's the more foolish the fool, or the fool that follows him?"

CHEWIE, BURRIE and CHRIS "Shut up!"

MR.T "I pity the fool..."

CHILL "Who's the more foolish the fool, or the fool that follows him?"

BURRIE "Will you just go deactivate the tractor beam already?"

CHRIS "No, first of all, we must get into that little console room thingy dressed as Massassians..."

Two technichians come along...

BURRIE "And I know how..."

Burrie goes and knocks the technicians out...

BURRIE "Hey down there, can you give us a hand with this?"

Two Massassians come up, Chris knocks them out...

BURRIE "Oooh, let me take their uniforms off..."

CHRIS "I worry about your sexuality..."

BURRIE "Hey, I have a love affair with Matthew later on in this trilogy, I might as well practice..."


CookedHaggis
Stormtrooper


Avenger216: "BlackPanther, Why aren't you at your post? BlackPanther, do you copy?"

*Avenger216 goes to the hanger window. Chris hits himself on the head for no apparent reason*

Avenger216: "Take over, we've got a bad headache."

*Avenger216 opens the door, and is greeted by Burrie, Chewbubba and CHill*

Chewbubba: "Grr, howl, growl and all that stuff."

*Burrie rakes the room with blaster fire. Luke hurries into the room*

Luke: "Between his...er...talking, and your blasting everthing in sight, it's a wonder the whole level pack don't know we're here."

Burrie: "Bring them on, I prefer Quake to Thief andyday."

*Everyone pauses for a minute to figure out what he means by this*

B-3OAM: "We've found the computer outlet. (To McR2) Great, let's have a game of ToaM."

Burrie: "Oooh, lot's of wireframe pictures."

CHill: "He should be able to access the entire Massassi network from here."

Chris: "From one terminal? Everything."

CHill: "Yes. Pretty handy isn't it?"

B-3OAM: "He's found the tractor beam thing. We can finally get away from this dump."

*The computer map shows the locations where the tractor beam is*

B3-OAM: "The tractor beam is liked to the power in 7 locations."

CHill: "Seven?! Sod that."

B-3OAM: "Lazy git. Anyway, you just need to deactivate one."

CHill: "That's alright then. I've got to go alone as well."

Chris: "Why?"

CHill: "Because whiney farmboys cramp my style."

Chris: "Pardon?"

CHill: "Nothing. I'll be off then. Oh yeah, remember the JED will be with you......."

Chris: "With me?"

CHill: "Quiet. You just interuppted my dramatic pause. The JED will be with you...........always."

Chris: "Whatever."

*CHill wanders out into the corridoor, alone*

Chewbubba: "What a fool."

Burrie: "You said it Chewie."


Muuurgh
Stormtrooper


Suddenly, MCR2 begins to twitter excitedly.

Burrie: What the hell is that overrated trash-can *****ing about now?

B-3OAM: I don't know, the little git just keeps yelling "I've found her, I've found her, and they're gonna kill her! Yeeeeaaaaaaaaah!" Who?

MCR2: Princess Pate! She's on this station waiting to get executed! They're putting that b&tch down!

Chris: We've got to help her!

Everyone stares at him, then bursts out laughing.

Chris: No, really.

Burrie: Why the hell would we want to do that? She never finishes anything, and her last complete project just had the crap blown out of it!

Chris: But they're gonna kill her!

Burrie: Better her than...virtually anybody in this story! Besides, he got killed all the time in ANS.

Chris: This isn't ANS, though.

Burrie: I know. Thank God for that.

MCR2 and B-3OAM both give him really nasty looks.

Burrie: Look, we can't go into that cell block anyway. It's suicide.

Chris: Just now you said you didn't like all this sneaking around.

Burrie: Hey, kid, I'm not opposed to shooting people and things indescriminately, but marching right into the most heavily-guarded place on the pack isn't my idea of....a good idea.

Chris: She'll let you beta test...

Burrie: Really?

Chris: Sure, and since she never finishes anything, that makes you the only living being to play through a Pate level!

Burrie: So?

Chris: Alright, you've got me there. Look, she's a major plot element, so we've got to rescue her. So there.

Burrie: Well, even if we have to, how the hell are we gonna get past all those massassians?

Chris: I have a plan....

There is a pause.

Burrie: Well?

Chris: No, no, it's supposed to fade out and go to Cobi-Dan Hilldewandokosserobibananaramanose sneaking around now. Then it cuts back to us, thus keeping the readers from hearing the plan before we enact it.

Chewbubba: But since this is based on Star Wars, which everyone has seen, doesn't everyone already know what we do?

Chris: Shut up and get the cuffs on.

Chewbubba: You're into some freaky stuff, man. I refuse.

Burrie: No, do it, Chewie. I think I know what he's planning...


AKPiggott
Stormtrooper


CHEWIE: Listen, why don't I be the Massassian and you be the hairy prisoner?

BURRIE: Because Massassians aren't 9 feet tall dumbass....

They all walk to the detention place...

WOLFY: Where are you taking this.... thing?

CHRIS: No where, we're just here to "RESCUE THE PRINCESS™"...

Burrie slaps Chris round the head....

BURRIE: Nice move, farm boy...

WOLFY: Very good, carry on...

BURRIE: What?

CHRIS: I get the impression that the authors aren't really bothered about the plot at all...

BURRIE: Right she's in cell 1337, you go get her, I'll wait here.....

Chris opens the door and sees Matthew lying on her bunk (which is splitting under her weight)...

MATT: *Cough* *Splutter* Aren't... *Snort* you a little *Oink* short for a Massassian?

CHRIS: Yelch! You're not wearing a bra....

MATT: I know, makes me look sexy...

CHRIS: *shudder* uhuhhugh! Come on...

Chris goes out, but Matthew is so fat, she can't fit through the door....

MATT: I'm stuck...

WOLFY: Wait a minute, this is bad, they're not supposed to "RESCUE THE PRINCESS™", Massassians, go stop them... now!

BURRIE: Oh no... CHRIS! We're gonna have company!!!

CHRIS: Chewie help me pull her through....

HEEEAVVVVVEEEEEEE...... POP!

CRASH!!!!

CHRIS: Arghhh!!! Get her off me....

BURRIE: Ugh! I thought we were supposed to be rescuing a Princess, not a Hutt...

MATT: Who are you calling a Hutt? I could beat you up any day...

BURRIE: Yeah... at Sumo Wrestling...

CHRIS: Guys, this isn't helping....

Matt blasts a grate open...

MATT: Into the garbage chute, fly boy...

BURRIE: Ladies first....

CHRIS: No wait!

Matt dives in... and gets stuck...

The Massassians come along, Chris and Burrie try to fight them off when Chewbubba tries to squeeze Matt through the chute...

HEEEAVVVVVEEEEEEE...... POP!

SPLASH!!!!

Chris and Burrie follow through...

They fall in a garbage pile...

The walls start moving in...

MATT: The walls are moving...

BURRIE: One things for sure, Matt's gonna be a lot thinner....

CHRIS (into comlink): 3OAM! 3OAM! Are you there?

Cut to computer room...

Com ink is on the floor, 3OAM and MCR2 are playing ToaM1...

3OAM: This level is great...

CHRIS (comlink): 3OAM! 3OAM!

MCR2: Did you hear something?

3OAM: No.

Back to the garbage compactor...

MATT: Try to brace it with something...

Chewie, Burrie and Chris all look at each other and then at Matt....

MATT: What?

CHRIS: OK guys, one, two, three.... li...i....ft....

HEAVE!

They all lift Matt up....

BURRIE: *gasp* so.... hea...vy....

The walls close in.... and break as they reach Matthew's bulging frame...

CREAAAKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!

CHRIS: Yes... yes... Matthew saved us.... wooo.... woooo.....

Back to the computer room...

CHRIS (comlink): Wooo... ahhh.... woo-hooo....

MCR2: Uh..o oh... our poor masters, they've been killed, they're dying, listen...

3OAM: Really? Oh good, that's great! They were annoying...

Cut to Cobi-Dan running through corridors...


CookedHaggis
Stormtrooper




*Cut back to the droids*

McR2: "Oh my god, they killed Matthew!"

3OAM: "Yay."

Chris: "3OAM! We're alright!"

McR2: "Did you hear that?"

3OAM: "Yes. I'm gutted."

*CHill runs along the corridoor while all the surrounding Massassians seem oblivious to his presence. He finds the controls to the tractor beam (handily labeled) and shuts them down (cue shutting-down noise)*

Dugan: "Did you hear something?"

Spork: "You mean that wierd noise signifying that the tractor beam has been disabled."

Dugan: "Yeah."

Spork: "Can't say I did."

*CHill creeps around the console, and sees two Massassians standing in a doorway, stopping his escape*

Dugan: "So why are we here?"

Spork: "That's a very good question, and one which has probably been debated endlessly on the forums. You see, some people believe that a diety created the universe and....."

Dugan: "No, I mean why are we having to stand here."

Spork: "Ah. Probably another drill."

Dugan: "What kind of drill involves standing near the power regulator for the tractor beam?"

Spork: "A drill like this one."

Dugan: "Oh."

*Cobi-Dan waves his hand in the Massassian's direction*

BANG

Dugan: (turns around) "What was that?"

Spork: (also turns around) "A loud, suspicious banging noise."

*Cobi-Dan creeps away*
AKPiggott
Stormtrooper


After three hours of attempting to pull Matthew out of the maintenence access hatch.....

HEAVE........ POP..... CRASH! OUCH!

BURRIE: Get off me...

CHRIS: Argh!!

MATT: Sorry....

* EXTREMELY LOUD FART *

CHRIS: Ugh!! Get OFF you *****!!!

MATT: My bad *burp*, sorry!

Suddenly a bunch of Massassians run through the corridor...

Chewie, Matt, Burrie and Chris run away, they eventually meet a fork of corridors, they split into two groups, Matt and Chris together and Burrie and Chewie together.

A bunch of Massassians are chasing Burrie and Chewie...

CLOUD "Close the blast doors..."

The blast doors begin closing, then after closing about a foot, they malfunction and stop... Burrie and Han duck to get through the doorway... all the Massassians chasing run into the door and bang their heads (just like Stormtroopers )

They all suffer concussions and die...

Meanwhile ****** and Moff Kedri are having a relaxing chat whilst watching Neighbours...

KEDRI: Madge has got huge knockers, don't you agree?

******: Yes.. argh.. argh....

KEDRI: What?

******: I sense a prescence I have not felt since.... HE IS HERE....

KEDRI: Cobi-Dan Hilldewandokosserobibananaramanose? What makes you so sure?

******: Cobi-Dan is here, the Jed is with him...

KEDRI: Surely, he must be dead by now, or at least changed his name to something a little easier to spell.

******: Don't underestimate the Jed...

KEDRI: He must not be allowed to escape...

******: Escape is not his plan, I must face him...

KEDRI: Alone?

******: What you think I am? Stupid or something? I want all the Massassians to accompany me...

KEDRI: But they're all chasing a bunch of intruders through the corridors...

******: Fine, I will face him, alone....

Meanwhile... Chris and Matt eventually reach a dead end at a chasm..

CHRIS "I think we took a wrong turn...."

A bunch of Massassians come along, Matt closes the door...

MATT: There's no lock...

Chris blasts the controls...

CHRIS: That oughta hold them for a while...

MATT: You just blasted the bridge controls too, you ninny...

CHRIS: Whoops...

MATT: They're coming through...

Meanwhile Chill is creeping through the corridors

He hears a cleaving tool ignite... it's DARTH ******...

He ignites his own cleaving tool...

******: I AM YOUR FATHER!

CHILL: Wrong script!

******: Whoops! I mean.... I've been waiting for you Cobi-Dan... blah.... blah...

CHILL: If you strike me down I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine...

Commence fighting

Back at the chasm...

CHRIS: I got it!

Chris reaches for his grappling hook.... and launches it across the Chasm it hooks on...

MATT: Good luck...

CHRIS: I hope this holds your weight..

They swing... the rope breaks... they fall....

CHRIS and MATT: ARRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Meanwhile... Chewie and Burrie arrive at the Docking Bay..

BURRIE: All the Massassians are watching that fight over there, now's our chance, I hope the old man got the tractor beam down...

They run into the HanMobile...

Meanwhile... ****** and CHill are fighting...

*fzzt* *bzzt* *clash!!!!* *fizzle*

Suddenly, they hear a screaming noise...

******: What's that?

They look up...

CHRIS and MATT: ARRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

Chris lands on Vader knocking him unconscious....

Matt lands on CHill, who disappears and dies....

CHRIS: NOOO!!

ALl the Stormtroopers start shooting at CHill and Matt, who manage to run into the HanMobile...

BURRIE: Let's get out of here...

3OAM and MCR2 come along...

3OAM: Wait for me!

CHRIS! Quick! Take off....

30AM and MCR2 manage scrable on just as the ramp is closing...

BURRIE: Damn, ahh well... let's go...

The HanMobile takes off and succesfully leaves the Level Pack....


CookedHaggis
Stormtrooper


Burrie: "Well that was easy."

Chris: "What? Easy? We nearly died. And master Cobi-Dan did die."

Matthew: "Yeah, but he broke my fall."

Chewbubba: "Guys, I hate to break up the party, but we've got a whole three TIEs coming at us."

Chris: "Can't you see I'm in mourning?"

Chewbubba: "You only knew the guy for fives minutes."

Burrie: "C'mon kid, we're not out of this yet."

*Burrie and Chris each climb into the gun turrets*

Burrie: "You in kid?"

Chris: "Hey cool! It's got a viewscreen and everything!"

ZAP

Chris: "Woohoo, it fires lasers and everything! This rules!"

Burrie: "Uh..."

Chris: "This is just like in the movies. Hey, what happens when I fiddle with this knob?"

Burrie: "This is no time for....Oh, you mean the little knob on the console."

Matthew: "Watch out, they're coming in fast."

*The TIEs scream over the top of the HanMobile, and shoot past Chris' position*

Chris: "This is no fun, they're too fast."

*As the TIE attack again, they fire on the HanMobile. Inside, the lights flicker and fires break out for no apparent reason*

Matthew: "This heap of junk is falling apart."

Burrie: "Don't worry, she'll hold together."

*A impacting laser blast sends a shower of spark from a console*

Burrie: (to the HanMobile) "You hear me baby? Hold together."

Matthew: "I heard that!"

*Another volley from the TIEs causes the HanMobile to lurch, sending B-3OAM crashing into some exposed wiring which happens to be on fire*

B-3OAM: "Gimme a hand here, I'm melting."

McR2: "Haha."

*As the fighters make another pass, Chris tracks them with his lasers and manages to hit one, causing it to explode in an overly large fireball*

Chris: "WOOHOO!"

Burrie: "Don't get cocky."

*Burrie manages to blow up the other two*

Burrie: "****in' yeah! Suck that down Massassi scum! Who's the man? I'M THE MAN!"

Matthew: "Who's not supposed to get cocky?"

Burrie: "It's my ship and I'll be cocky if I damn well please."

Matthew: "That was too easy, they're tracking us."

Burrie: "Not this ship."

Matthew: "Anything could track this piece of junk. Anyway, I'm just glad the information in R2 is still intact."

Burrie: "What is it anyway?"

Matthew: "The technical readout of that level pack. This war isn't over."

Burrie: "It is for me. I'm just a greedy sod and want tons of dosh."

Muffled sound of a droid coming from under a pile of wires: "Good for you."

Matthew: "If money is all you love, that's what you'll recieve."

Burrie: "Great."

*Chewie and Burrie go into the cockpit, while Matthew stomps off in a huff. In the main bit of the falcon, Chris is practising with his cleaving tool*

Matthew: "Hey farmboy."

*Chris shuts down his weapon and turns to Matthew*

Chris: "What?"

Matthew: "Do you think a princess, and a guy like him?"

Chris: "No wa...*thinks*....Why yes of course..."

*Chris grins evily*


Chris Hill
Stormtrooper


<Cut to the conference room in the level pack>

Grand Moff Kedri- Are they away?

Darth ******- They've just made the jump into hyperspace

Grand Moff Kedri- I'm taking an awful risk ******. This had better work

Darth ******- YOU'RE taking an awful risk???!!!! We've lost numerous Massassians in running gun battles with the Single player scum, I had an epic cleaving Battle with Chill oobi-do whatshisname, and nearly got crushed by princess Matthew, and you've not set foot out of this conference room for days now!!!!!! Oh that's so very risky....
AKPiggott
Stormtrooper


The ship flies toward the 743rd moon of Schmavin (Schmavin 743), the moon with the TACC base...

All the TACCers gather up to discuss the strategy which is being dictated, by the Mon Calamari, Admiral Ryan...

RYAN: Right let me just put this screen on behind me so I can show you the Massassi Level Pack plans...

The screen goes on, and the Windows 98 logo appears...

RYAN: It takes forever to load this thing, I really should get more RAM....

Finally Windows loads

All the TACCers cover their ears as the Startup sound plays VERY LOUDLY...

RYAN: Who turned it up so loud and put the bass boost on?! Anyway...

Ryan stands over a podium with a Mouse and keyboard on, all the TACCers watch as the mouse pointer clicks the Start Menu and opens WinZip...

RYAN: OK, lemmie just find the ZIP file....

It opens C:\MLLVLPACK4_1337.ZIP

RYAN: As you can see, the level pack consists of a load of levels - GOB files, archived in a file known as a ZIP file... the files are accompanied with what is known as a README document, this document states the evil creators of the Massassi level pack as well as their plan for community domination. Anyway, each of the levels in the pack have a series of consistency errors and non convex sectors, which the Jedi Knight engine can't handle, it causes Jedi Knight to go crazy and wipe every SP level installed on the hard drive and multiply MP levels by 10 times...

All the TACCers look and gasp in shock and horror

SUPER C-3PO - That's impossible, even for a computer...

CHRIS: It's not impossible, I used to bullseye Wamprats on my T-16 back home, they're no bigger than two metres... not that that has anything to do with anything...

RYAN: The best way to defeat it is like what happened in Independence Day, upload a virus onto it and wait for it to explode, but that takes too friggin' long and is too boring, so basically instead we'll send a load of fighters to shoot at it and shoot in a ventilation shaft at the odd chance it'll blow the station up, many more people will die this way, but that's a small sacrifice for the amount of boredom that's reduced... man your ships and may the Jed be with you...

Chris is going towards his X-Wing, when suddenly he hears a familiar voice...

CGUY: Chris! Chris!

CHRIS: CGuy, I'll be right up there with you!

CGUY: Good, I'm going to my ship now, bye...

Hamish McR2-D2 comes along...

MCR2: Oi! Noddy Holder, I'm coming with you, anything to get away from 30AM...

CHRIS: Fine...

All the fighters take off, meanwhile, the Level Pack closes into the moon.


CookedHaggis
Stormtrooper


Matthew: "Burrie wait!"

Burrie: "Aw crap. Hurry Chewie, she's almost at the ship!"

*The HanMobile takes off just before Matthew can clamber aboard*

Burrie: "Phew, that was a narrow escape."

Matthew: "Damn. At least I've still got two sequels to woo him."

*Matthew goes back to the control room*

*Cut back to all the TACC fighters. Cue lots of expensive computer generated shots of pilots shaking their heads and other pointless gestures*

Bombshellrapture: "All wings report in."

Cougar: "Red ten standing by."

Absolver: "Red seven standing by."

Cguy: "Red three standing by."

Rhettman: "Red six standing by."

Sno: "Red nine standing by."

MichaelThompson: "Red two standing by."

Bubba: "Red eleven standing by."

Chris: "Red five standing by."

BSR: "Lock SP-foils in aTACC position."

*All the fighters do so*

BSR: "We're passing through the magnetic field."

*The Level pack comes into view*

MichaelT: "Look at the size of that thing! And I'm talking about that level pack."

McR2: "Beep beep." (Any chance of us just turning around now?)

Matt_Surman: "Red leader, this is gold leader. Starting for the target shaft now."

*The fighters head towards the level pack. Inside, alarms start blaring and soldiers rush to man the gun turrets*

*Inside the TACC war room, Matthew, Admiral Ryan and B-3OAM all listen to the radio chatter*

MichaelT: "Hey fire boss, 22 degrees..."

BSR: "I see it."

*Fighters weave in and out, laser fire flys everywhere*

*Inside the level pack, Darth ****** strides along a corridoor, behind him, wall cave in and sparks fly as rebel lasers hammer the level pack*

Detritic-iQ: "We count 30 TACC ships Lord ******. They're so small that they're avoiding our turbolasers."

Darth ******: "Then we'll have to destroy them ship to ship. Order my minions...er...I mean the crews to get to their ships."

Detritic-iQ: "Yes my lord. Only..."

Darth ******: "What?"

Detritic-iQ: "Well aren't our ships a bit pants? They've not got shields or anything. The crews'll get slaughtered out there."

Darth ******: "A good point."

Detritic-iQ: "It is?"

Darth ******: "Yes, but irrelevant. My ship has shields, so I'm not bothered."

Detritic-iQ: "Yes Lord ******."

*Outside, Chris hurls his fighter towards a turret, and lets fly with his laser*

*Inside the TACC war room*

Admiral Ryan: "Squadron leaders, we've picked up some new signals. Enemy fighters coming in fast."

BSR: "Oh bugger."

Talon Karrde: "Watch out Cguy you've got one on your tail."

Cguy: "I can't shake him!"

*The TIE closes in, it's laser fire clipping Cguy's ship*

Chris: "Hang on Cguy I'm coming."

*Just as the TIE fighter lines Cguy up in his sights, Chris swoops down and punctures the cockpit with lasers*

*Inside, Darth ****** strides up to two pilots*

Darth ******: "Several fighters have broken off from the main group. Come with me."

MaxisReed: "No, it's alright, I'll just stay here and...."

Darth ******: "Don't force me to use my banning powers."

MaxisReed: "Right you are Lord ******."

*Outside, the battle rages*

Michael: "Watch your back Chris!"

*A TIE rolls into position behind Chris' fighter and fires a volley at him*

Chris: "He's on me tight! I'm hit but not bad, McR2, see what you can do with it."

McR2: "Beep beep." (Sod off, some of us have got lasers skimming our heads, I've got more to worry about than fixing this stinking wreck)

Chris: "Blasted Cguy, where are you?"

*Chris twists and turns, trying to shake off his pursuer*

Michael: "Hold on Chris!"

*Just as the TIE is about to blow up Chris' fighter, Michael manages to shoot it down*

Chris: "Thanks Mike."

Matt_Surnam: "This is gold leader, we're starting our attack run."

BSR: "Copy that."

*The 3 fighters dive into the trench, and speed towards the exhaust port*


Muuurgh
Stormtrooper


Meanwhile, in the conference room...

Snooky: I've analyzed their attack, sir, and there is a small chance of success. Shall I ready your escape vehicle?

Moff Kedri: Evacuate? In our moment of triumph? I think you overestimate their 13374355.

Snooky: What?

Kedri: Never mind. Look, it's a moot point anyway. I couldn't leave even if I wanted to because my *** has been superglued to this chair for the entire story. Why do you think I'm in here all the time? For my health? It's goddamn boring, the walls are even plain old white!

Snooky: Oh. Well, can I use your escape vehicle if you don't want it?

Kedri: Sure. I'm going to sit here and look contemplative until the moment we're all blown sky-high.

Snooky: Good plan, sir.
AKPiggott
Stormtrooper


Soon enough all the fighters apart from Chris, CGuy and Michael Thompson are dead. The three remaining fighters are going through a trench on the Level Pack's surface.

CGUY: You see a vent yet, Chris?

CHRIS: Nope, does it matter which one we shoot?

CGUY: I dunno...

Suddenly ****** accompanied by two other fighters comes along, he blows the crap out of Cguy who dies...

CGUY: Ow..... tell my mum that.... *explosion*

Mike's X-Wing gets a shot, and takes a bit of minor damage...

MIKE: Sod this, I'm off!

CHRIS: I need you here...

MIKE: F**k you....

Mike flies off....

******: Leave him, stay on the leader...

****** fires a shot at Chris' ship, not doing any crucial damage to the hull itself but hitting McR2

MCR2: BEEP BEEP! (By the kilt of my Great Grandfather's Uncle Hamish, that f**king hurt, watch where yee be shooting you tall black breathy person you...)

****** shoots again... this time applying a fatal blow to MCR2

MCR2: BEEEEEEP WOOOOOOOOOTTT!! (ARGHHHHHHHHHHHH!)

CHRIS: I lost MCR2...

ADMIRAL: The vent is just ahead, Chris...

Chris is about to aim and shoot when he hears a voice...

VOICE: Chris...

CHRIS: Grampa?

VOICE: No, you pratt, it's me, Old Chris...

CHRIS: Oh, what do you want?

CHILL: Let go, use the Jed... turn off your computer...

CHRIS: Never!

Chris resumes with Computer turned on...

CHILL: Right then...

Chill appears in the cockpit with Chris, he turns the computer off...

CHRIS: Hey!

ADMIRAL: Chris you switched off your computer... what's wrong?

CHRIS: Leave me alone you dotty old fool with an unpleasant oddour...

ADMIRAL: I'm sorry?

CHRIS: Just piss off will you!

Chris keeps turning his computer on, Old Chris keeps turning it off again...

CHILL: Use the Jed....

MATTHEW: How odd! He keeps turning his computer on and off...

ADMIRAL: I think he's suffering Space Dimensia...

******: The Jed is strong with this one...

CHRIS: Leave me alone, go away... f**k off...

MATTHEW: He's mad, completely bonkers!

3OAM: Of course he is, no sane person would choose a haircut like that...

CHRIS: Right that does it...

Chris picks up the phone..

CHILL: What are you doing?

CHRIS: Either you go now, or I'll call.... THE GHOSTBUSTERS

CHILL: Allright I'm off...

Chill disappears

CHRIS: OK, targetting computer on...

****** is close behind, he's got a lock, he's about to shoot..

Suddenly a blast comes from behind, it blows the two other TIE Fighters up...

******: What?

It's THE HANMOBILE!!!

BURRIE: Woohoo, I'm so great...

The blast blows ******'s TIE out into space...

BURRIE: Now kid, blow this thing so we can go home...

Chris shoots, it goes in the vent....

The two ships fly away from the level pack...

KEDRI: Oh f**k!

BBBBBBBBLASSSSSSSTTTTTTTT!!!!! BOOM!!! You get the idea...

CHILL: The Jed will be with you, always...

CHRIS: Go away...

Cut to the hangar... everyone is happy...

Chris runs up to Matthew and hugs her...

CHRIS: CARRIE!!!!

MATTHEW: What?

CHRIS: Ugh! What am I doing... *brushes himself down* ugh... I touched you... yuck...

MATTHEW: You called me "Carrie"...

CHRIS: No, I said "hey!"... yes... that's... what I said..

Burrie comes along..

CHRIS: I knew you'd change your mind..

BURRIE: Yeah, now I can take full credit of the whole thing...

Burrie walks up to a horde of young beautiful women..

BURRIE: See, I blew the Level Pack up... I'm cool... yes... fancy a s**g? Form an orderly cue... over there... that's right...

McR2 is taken off the X-Wing by a crane...

3OAM: Oh good... he's dead... muhahha... yes, let's have a party... you suck McR2.. see you're dead... I'm alive, who's da man, who's da man?

ENGINEER: We can easily fix him, you may need to donate one or two parts though...

3OAM: What? F**k you!!


Chris Hill
Stormtrooper


<Cue triumphant music. Chris, Burrie (looking fairly smart) and Chewbubba (looking well groomed) walk down a corridor and enter a massive room filled with cardboard cutouts Chris is looking incredibly smug>

Burrie- Better wipe that smile of your face kid, Remember who’s waiting for us at the other end

<Chris’s smile falls>

Chris- Why is the room filled with cardboard cutouts anyway?

Matthew- Are you kidding? We had a job persuading THEM to come for this, how the hell did you think we’d get the entire TACC alliance to come and say thanks to you two? Now shut up and take the medal.

<Chris bows and allows princess Matthew to place a medal around his neck, she does likewise for Burrie>

Chewbubba- Hey what about me?

Burrie- Didn’t you know? Wookies don’t believe in the giving of medals and stuff

Chewbubba-? Says Who?

McR2- Beep beep boop- (Yeah and what about me I got half my head blown off!!!)

B-3OAM- And I deserve one two!

Burrie- For what? Goldenrod? Standing there and whining?

Matthew- OK ENOUGH! If you must know we got the medals out of a couple of cereal boxes and we’ve only got 2 of them now turn round and grin stupidly for the cardboard cutouts, Admiral Ryan 2 things, first will you play the tape? Second how come you’re here so early and what happened to general dodona?

<Rybar presses play on the tape recorder and the sound of applause taped from last years Oscars fills the room. Fade to credits>


AKPiggott
Stormtrooper


Well, we have no plans of doing a TPM story, and even if we'd did, we pick someone who has a bit more forum involvement as one of the main roles.

Now for some of those hilarious out-takes:

CHILL: The Jef will be with.. I mean...

CREW: Hahahahahahahahaha!

Bleep!

MUUURGH: You, I suppose you're a propropor-pro

CREW: Hahahahahahahahaha!

Bleep!

****** Why did you give ******'s Journey such a low review, Antilles?"

No answer...

******: Antilles?

Still no answer...

******: Can we get a new actor? This one's dead...

CREW: Hahahahahahahahaha!

Bleep!

Matthew: Help me Cobi-Dan Hill...wa...wa... umm...de...banana..nose!

CREW: Hahahahahahahahaha!
Little angel go away
Come again some other day
Devil has my ear today
I'll never hear a word you say

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