I found this while looking through some old stuff the other day. I thought I'd post it for the old-timers who would remember it. Written by members of TACC and including members of that site and Massassi as characters. Posted exactly as it is written in the files I have.

Massassi Wars- Murkiness of the Empire

As a little Christmas pressie, I’m proud to present a new chapter in the Massassi wars saga, an episode that i confidently expect to hold the same relationship to the ‘classic’ Massassi wars trilogy as the Star wars Holiday special does to the Star Wars Trilogy. This story has already been completed over a disturbingly long period and will be posted at a rate of one or 2 chapters a day over the Christmas period, so sit back relax and prepare to squirm as ‘Shadows of the empire' gets the Massassi Wars treatment…

(Based on Massassi Wars TM- Created By Cooked Haggis (Creative consultant), and possibly that Ant fellow as well (who i think knows i was working on this a long time ago...))


The Cast-

The Villans:

Prince Xizor - Prince Xarchamedes (Head of Black sun/ Liliac Sun) - Archamedes
Emperor Palpatine - Emperor Brian – Brian (ex-Massassian warlord)
Darth Vader - Darth ****** - ******
Guri – Gureebee - Heebeedee
Rodian Casino owner - Aglar
Imperial Admiral- Admiral Kedri - Kedri


The *Ahem* so called ‘Heroes’

Dash Rendar - Dash Rambu - Emambu
Luke Skywalker - Chris Swanwalker – Chris Swan
Princess Leia - Princess Matthew – Matthew Pate
Chewbacca - Himself well ok Chewbubba
Lando Calrissian - Cguy Calrissian - Cguy
R2D2 - McR2 - Cooked Haggis
C3P0 - B-3OAM – AKPiggot
Wedge - Michael Thompson
Koth Melan - Koth Rylan – Ryan Bickhart
Toaster Squadron: Absolver, Wuss, Bringdeath and Muuurgh


Prologue

Prince Xarcamedes lurked in the shadows of Emperor Brian's inner sanctum. The Emperor himself was standing in front of a holo unit which was displaying an image of Darth ******, According to Hello Magazine the second most powerful man in the universe for the 15th year running having repeatedly piped Xarcamedes at the post and dropping him into third place. Xarchamedes finds this rather annoying. Even more annoying is that Darth ****** is facing the wrong way...

Darth ******: What is thy bidding my master

Emperor Brian: I'm over here you idiot. There is a great disturbance in the community

Darth ******: I have felt it

Emperor Brian: Really? What was it like?

Darth ******: my master?

Emperor Brian: Well was it hot? Cool? Cubic? Well textured?

Darth ******: It was a single player editor!

*A single player editor!* Xarchamedes's mind raced *surely they had all been extinguished years ago?*

Emperor Brian: What's his name? Swinewalker or something isn't it?

That name sounded familiar to Xarchamedes... this was interesting news indeed

Darth ******: He's just a boy. He couldn't cleave his way out of a wet paper bag

Emperor Brian: Nevertheless he could destroy us. Do you have any idea how many people secretly play single player levels?

*82.43% of the community xarchamedes thought silently*

Darth ******: If he could be turned he would be a powerful ally

*He's just having a laugh now* xarchamedes said to himself

Emperor Brian: Yes.... Yes. He would be a great asset.

Darth ******: What! I was joking. Have you seen the quality of his work?

Emperor Brian: Silence. Can it be done?

Darth ******: he will join us or die my master. Preferably the latter....

*So ****** wants Swinewalker dead does he?* xarchamedes thought. *In that case it would be in my best interests to keep him alive....*

Emperor Brian: WHAT!!!! That's not the plot of this book! You're supposed to be trying to kill him.... Have you lost it totally?....

Chapter one.

Taccooine. Princess Matthew reclined in her seat. She was in a bad cantina in the bad part of Mos Eincana. You really had to work at it to get such a low reputation. Unsurprisingly Princess Matthew was fitting in nicely...

Sno: Hello there darlin'. Mind if I sit here?

Chewbubba: Yes

Princess Matthew: Quiet hairball. That depends. Are you the male of your species?

Sno: err yeah.

Princess Matthew: Sit, sit! Join us

Chewbubba: But Cguy will be here any time now!

Princess Matthew: ooo good point. We don't want them fighting over me do we? Sorry fella.

Sno: Oh well maybe later

Chewbubba: where do you get such an inflated opinion of yourself?

Princess Matthew: It comes with royalty. Anyway it's clearly deserved that guy DID try to pick me up

Chewbubba: Yeah but he was a Gamorrean.

Princess Matthew: Details, details...

Cguy: Morning troopers. I have news

Chewbubba: Good how's KDY stock doing on the Coruscant exchange? Still climbing?

Cguy: up another 14 points. Bad news for the Corellian engineering corporation with plunged to its lowest point all year before stabilising at 3540.2. In sports, the umgullian blob racing national was won by the relative unknown 'flippant remark' in a time of...

Matthew: Anything, you know, relevant?

Cguy: Well I wasn't going to report it until we got confirmation but one of my more reliable contacts has sighted Boba Ramens ship at the Massassian base in the canyon oasis system.

Matthew: Great! Let’s go tell Chris

Cguy: Why is he into Umgullian blob racing?...


Chris was slouching about in Cobi-dans old home. The place had long since been looted. All except for one book titled: David Hasslehoff- my story. Unsurprisingly the looters had left this volume well alone, but when he had opened it with the intention of teaching B-30AM a lesson and reading a few passages, he'd discovered that the book was in fact hollow and inside was a second book which included plans for building a cleaving tool. Whereupon he'd handed it over to McR2 and said simply: 'Knock one of these up will you?' then lay down for a nap. Suddenly he felt a slight disturbance in the Jed. He stepped outside and could see a speeder approaching Through the JED we realised who the occupants were and felt his heart sink a little...

Cguy: We have news!

Chris: Good, how are the Jet's doing in the rim Novabowl?

Cguy: Well....

Matthew: We're not goin' there. We've already cracked that joke once and it wasn't that funny to begin with!

Chewbubba: One of Cguys many dubious friends...

Cguy: OY!

Chewbubba: ...thinks he knows were Boba Ramen is.

Chris: Well let's get goin' Times a wastin' Burrie still owes me money.

Cguy: Whoa there! We've gotta wait for confirmation. Besides think of the interest you're earning!

Chris: Good point. We'd best leave it a couple of years... McR2 might've finished work on my new cleaving tool by then...

Chapter 2

Prince Xarchamedes waited in the hallway of Darth ******s fortress silently wondering what the asthmatic twit wanted. His eyes started darting round the room falling briefly on one of ******s spare capes draped over the radiator before coming to rest on the door at the end of the corridor. Suddenly it swung open and Darth ****** strode into the room

Darth ******: What the hell do you want?

Prince Xarchamedes: You summoned me here lord ******.

Darth ******: How is that relevant?

Prince Xarchamedes: Those who do not do as you say tend to experience sudden breathing difficulties my Lord.

Darth ******: Well why should I be the only one with 'em?

Prince Xarchamedes: An excellent point lord.

Darth ******: Stop sucking up, I know you hate me.

Prince Xarchamedes: Really? Ok Fine, Tunes boy what do ya want?

Darth ******: Gimme all your transport ships

Prince Xarchamedes: What for?

Darth ******: I erm wanna go for a joy ride

Prince Xarchamedes: And you need several hundred transport ships for this?

Darth ******: I have... a lot of luggage...

Prince Xarchamedes: you'll have to do better then that
Darth ******: *Sigh* ok it's for a little construction project we're working on

Prince Xarchamedes: Oh yeah right the death pack. Why the hell are you guys building another one? Didn't you guys learn anything from the last one?

Darth ******: We sure did! This ones even bigger, costs much more to build, we'll have even higher ranking people onboard, including the emperor, several grand admirals, AND we'll let the Taccers know where it is before we've even finished it...

Prince Xarchamedes: I'm starting to wonder how the old republic ever fell...

<Later back at Xarchamedes base of operations Gureebee the sensual female human replica droid greets her master as he returns from his meeting (if it could be called that) with the lord ******>

Gureebee: How went your meeting with Lord ******?

Prince Xarchamedes: Bracing as ever. What progress have you made?

Gureebee: <activating a hologram of two sisters beating up stormtroopers> Talon Karrde and SuperC3PO. Twins. They have no previous links to Lilac Sun, and have no criminal record. This is what they do for fun.

Prince Xarchamedes: Good they'll do. Hire 'em. Have you located Swanwalker yet?

Gureebee: Not yet although we do have several leads.

Prince Xarchamedes: The moment you track him down I want him surrounded by bodyguards.

Gureebee: You know I'm sure the plot isn't supposed to go like this...

Prince Xarchamedes: ****** heavily hinted that he'd prefer it if Swanwalker was dead. I hate ******. If nothing else keeping Swanwalker alive will annoy him.

Gureebee: Doesn't this detract from the plot? You know, less tense? Us trying to protect the hero?

Prince Xarchamedes: Things rarely go as you expect in these spoofs...

Chapter 3:

<Taccooine>

Cguy: It's Confirmed! Good ol' Dash I told you he was reliable!

Chris: Who? what?, when?, where?, why?

Cguy: My contact, Dash Rambu. He's confirmed that Boba Ramen, or at least his ship is at the Massassian Base in the Canyon Oasis system.

Chris: Why would he want to go to that hellhole?

Matthew: It's a favourite Haunt of the Massassians. Something to do with the openness and a lightning trap I think. I'll get toaster Squadron to lend us a hand.

Chewbubba: Whoa, whoa we're just gonna attack a large Massassian base, which is I notice guarded by two SP destroyers?

Cguy: You have a better plan?

Chewbubba: Yeah we KNOW Boba Ramen will be coming here before too much longer so why not wait here and ambush him, It'll be a lot easier then attacking a major Massassian base.

Chris: Ya know that does make some sense. Plus all the extra interest I'll earn...

Matthew: Common sense has no place in this story, we're gonna attack the base! Let's go!

<Coruscant>

Prince Xarcamedes strolled down a protected corridor in the imperial palace surrounded by heavies; suddenly a lone figure emerges from the shadows holding a blaster

MasterMage: Die! Evil green skinned... erm... alien lizard... thing...

<He fires; the bodyguards intercept the blaster fire and drop down dead>

Price Xarchamedes<calmly>: That's a bother, do you have any idea how hard it is to find people stupid enough to be bodyguards for me?

< MasterMage fires again but his blaster is now out of energy. He charges..>

MasterMage: DIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEE!

<Xarchamedes calmly steps out of the way and flicks MasterMages ear as he charges past>

MasterMage: OW! That hurt!

Xarchamedes: Have we met? I have a excellent memory for faces, well ok a so-so memory for them, and you don't seem familiar.

MasterMage: You killed my father!

Xarchamedes: Oh come on! Can't you even come up with an ORIGINAL reason for wanting revenge?

MasterMage: AND you got my Pet hamster drunk on cheap scotch whisky!

Xarchamedes: Ok, I suppose that's a little more original. Well I hate hamsters, so I'm now going to kill you.

MasterMage: Wha?

<Xarchamedes produces a blaster and blows him away>

Xarchamedes: Hamster lovers. What vermin. Any of you guys still alive?

HighemperorOTF: *faint anguished groan*

Xarchamedes: Good, clean this mess up and report it the authorities.

HighemperorOTF: ....

<The Emperors palace, ****** and Brian watch a holo of the incident>

Brian: Well I see Prince Xarchamedes is keeping himself well guarded.

******: <through gritted teeth>So it would seem.

Brian: one wonders how such an aggressive young man was able to enter a protected corridor

******: Well he could've used one of the doors?

Brian: Ah yes that'll be it. We really must get round to putting locks on them, after all I would hate to see us loose an ally as valuable as prince Xarchamedes while he can still be of use to us.

******: Yes my master. Well i guess we could always use him as a doorstop, a test subject for the bio-warfare specialists, maybe a target on the shooting range...

Brian: Ok, apparently subtlety doesn't work. Let me spell it out for you. Try to kill him again and I'll be.... moderately peeved. Maybe even mildly annoyed.

******: *Sigh* as you wish.

Brian: everything is proceeding exactly as I... No I'm not meant to say that yet am I?

******: It's about the only thing you DO say

Brian: Silence! Go and do stuff.

******: Stuff?

Brian: Yeah whatever it is you do that i pay you a stupidly large amount of money to do.

******: Yes my master

<Chapter 4>

The Tacc base in the canyon oasis system was on the far side of one of the many rarely visited mods. It was a basic structure, with very boxy architecture, few slopes and made repeated use of the dft Mat. The vast majority was taken up by the strangely cubic hanger...

Dash Rambu: Cool digs!

Cguy: Yeah it is pretty cold. Dash, allow me to introduce Chris Swanwalker, Princess Matthew, Chewbubba, McR2 and the most objectionable, argumentative droid in the galaxy.

B-3OAM: I have a name you know!

Cguy: Yeah but I can't remember what it is. So Boba Ramen..

Dash Rambu: Yup. He's still down at the Massassian base fragging with the worst of them. Seems there’s been a little contractual issue with Dave the Hutt, So Bobas hanging round out here while the details get worked out.

Chewbubba: Have the Lawyers got involved?

Dash Rambu: Doesn't sound like it.

Chewbubba: Damn! We could've guaranteed he'd be there for years otherwise.

Michael 'Wedge' Thompson: Just thought I'd chip in to remind everyone that I'm here now.

Chris: Yes, Thanks Mike.

Matthew: So time is critical what's the plan?

Chris: Well to wait around at Taccooine but I guess that's out the window...

Dash Rambu: Well I've been hired to show you where Boba Ramens ship is nothing more.

Chris: Which we know already so why are you still here?

Dash Rambu: I have to stay. I'm Burrie's replacement for the story. You'll also notice as the plot goes on how my personality is virtually identical to his.

Matthew: Fine ok, well if you're gonna hang round you might as well show us the best way to the Massassian base.

Dash Rambu: Well ok but we'll probably need a distraction.

Michael 'Wedge' Thompson: Oooo! This is something I can do! We can attack the SP destroyers in orbit!

Chris: You sure about this? They don't have thermal exhaust ports to fire torpedoes into to blow up.

Michael 'Wedge' Thompson: Fine no problem

Chris: AND they aren't half finished so you won't be able to fly inside and shoot the main reactor...

Michael 'Wedge' Thompson: WHAT! No way! Forget it we're not goin'!

Matthew: Too late, you already volunteered

Michael: Damn! Well ok, but only if Chris Comes along as cannon fodder.

Matthew: Deal!

Chris: Wha...

<Chapter 5>

Price Xarchamedes's sinister castle...

Gureebee: I have News for you master.

Xarchamedes: Can't it wait? I'm busy dreaming up nefarious, evil schemes.

Gureebee: The solution requires and evil plan my lord.

Xarchamedes: Excellent! What's up?

Gureebee: British Airways are attempting to muscle in on our shipping business in the Grurgle sector.

Xarchamedes: What! I'll show 'em. Do they still have that base in the Vergasso asteroids?

Gureebee: They do.

Xarchamedes: Good. Schedule a meeting with Darth ******, I have a cunning plan!

<Later On the emperors Skyhook>

******: What the hell is a skyhook anyway?

Author: Sorta a low orbital flying garden thing...

******: A giant Hanging basket?

Author: In some cases... Anyway back to the plot, here comes Prince Xarchamedes

Xarchemdes: Lord ******. Thank you for granting me the honour of this audience with your radiant being.

Darth ******: Back to feeble sucking up are we?

Xarchamedes: I can assure you oh great and powerful lord ****** that there's nothing feeble about my sucking up!

Darth ******: Whatever. What do you want?

Xarchamedes: I have discovered the location of a secret British air... errr TACC alliance base. I assumed you would want to know of it's location?

Darth ******: I see your ability to notice the blindingly obvious remains at least partially active. Where is it?

Xarchamedes: The Vergasso asteroids.

Darth ******: Great! More asteroids! I've seen enough of them to last me a lifetime...

<Even Later then that, in the Emperor's throne room>

Emperor Brian: Ah Lord ****** I'm glad you here, I'm think about redecorating, adding a splash of black here and there. You know make it a little more sinister

******: Your entire throne room is already Black my master. You could always try turning off some of the lights...

Emperor Brian: An excellent suggestion Lord ******. Guards, the lights!

<It suddenly goes pitch black>

Emperor Brian: Excellent. Very sinister. Am I here or not? Am I behind you or in front of you? Ooo… I like this. Now what can I do for you Lord ******?
******: I have news concerning...

<CRASH>

Emperor Brian: Oops, sorry just knocked over the hat stand.

******: Be careful of the steps Master

Emperor Brian: Do stop fussing lord Juztyyyyyyynnnnnnn!

<BUMP CRASH BANG>


...



...


Ow! ooo that smarts...

Guards execute the Architect of this room immediately. What idiot thought to put stairs in here?

******: Master my news is of a rather urgent nature.

Emperor Brian: Ok, ok what is it?

******: Prince Xarchamedes has been in contact with me. He claims to of located a rebel base in the Vergasso asteroid belt.

Emperor Brian: Have you confirmed this?

******: No but I doubt it's a coincidence that British Airways, one of Xarchamedes main shipping rivals, has a base in the belt.

Emperor Brian: Doubtless a cover story. Go blow it up!

******: But he's clearly just using us to remove his competition! There's no rebel Base there!

Emperor Brian: Nonsense. Go kill it!

******: *Sigh* Yes My master

Emperor Brian: You seem to be sighing a lot in my presence lately Lord ******. Are you getting enough sleep?

<Chapter 6>

<The CguyMobile and Dash Rambus ship the 'Blatent Show Off' streak low over the surface of Canyon Oasis 1 towards the massassian base>

Dash Rambu: Ok People we'll be there in about 10 minutes.

Chewbubba: Why are we flying so low anyway?

Dash Rambu: To avoid detection.

Chewbubba: Excuse me? We're part of a galaxy spanning civilization that's been around for 25,000 years and yet everyones still using Radar??

Dash Rambu: Erm there's been a lot of recent cutbacks...

Chewbubba: Uh huh.

Dash Rambu: Ok fine. Yes they know exactly were we are already but coming in this way gives me a chance to show of my low altitude flying skills! Besides hopefully they'll be too busy dealing with Toaster Squadron to worry about us.

<In orbit>

Chris: All umm… wing report in.

Michael: No.

Chris: What?

Michael: There's only 13 of us and we know we're all here let's just get this over with.

Absolver: Fighters Dead ahead!

Chris: Break by flights and engage!

Muuurgh: Ooo that sounds cool!

Chris: One flight ready torpedos! Let's see if we can put a dent in that SP destroyers shields!

Muuurgh: Coolio! Action at last!

Michael: One more word Muuurgh and you go straight back to the Toasters threads

Wuss: Squad coming in on an intercept vector bearing 562 by 14

Bringdeath: You just made that up didn't you?

Wuss: Yeah but it sounded good didn't it?

Absolver: Flight Leader I'm in torpedo Range!

Chris: Launch!

Michael: Oi! this is my squadron!

<A tight group of torpedoes jet out and smash into the SP destroyers shields>

Wuss: Scanning minor damage to the SPD

Chris: Set up for another run

Michael: Erm we're now outnumbered approximately 5 to 1 and those destroyers are still launching fighters!

Chris: So shoot 'em!

Michael: Really? Wow! What a great idea! Why didn't I think of that?

Chris: Sarcasm does not become you Thompson...

<The Planet>

Dash Rambu: 1 minute to target, Damn I'm cool. I know how close we are... in a cool way

Matthew: Looks like the Massassians know too, they're launching fighters to intercept us.

Dash Rambu: What? Why aren't they off chasing toaster squadron?

Chewbubba: Probably couldn't be bothered. Well there's 3 squadrons worth coming our way

Dash Rambu: Ok well you can probably find the base from here I'm outta here!

B-3OAM: Coward!

Chewbubba: Ok fine well we're only outnumbered 36 to one. no big...

Cguy: Here they come! Hang on! This is gonna be rough...

<The Massassian fighters streak through the air in the general direction of the CguyMobile. Fade to black>

To be continued...

B-3OAM: Call that a cliffhanger? I've seen more tense situations in a... <SNIP>

<Chapter 7>

Mathew: Wait they're going after Dash!

Dash Rambu: Hey no fair! They're supposed to concentrate on you while escape thereby proving what a mercenary rogue I am!

Cguy: That leaves us with a clean run at the base!

Chewbubba: Sorry guys they just launched another squadron. This one IS coming after us and Boba Ramen just legged it

Matthew: Well let's get after him!

Chewbubba: Well it would mean flying straight through those 4 squadrons of Massassi fighters

Matthew: When did that ever stop us?

Cguy: Today! c'mon Chewie Let's get out of here!

Matthew: No we can't! We have to...

Cguy: B-3OAM why don't you give the princess a list of your current grievances?

B-3OAM: An excellent idea

Matthew: Ok, ok. We'll let 'em go!

<Space>

Michael: Umm Chris don't you think we should be going?

Chris: But I'm havin' fun here!

McR2: BEEEP! BEEP! (I'm %&^%^&%^ not!!! get us out of here!)

Absolver: We just lost red shirt pilot 5. Only another 2 Red shirts to go before main characters start getting killed off!

Wuss: on the plus side we've managed to cripple one Massassi fighter....

Bringdeath: He suffered engine failure on launching!

Chris: Ok, ok let's go, hyperspace as soon as you get a clear exit vector!

<They leg it>

<Another bit of space, not far from the TACC base>

Chris: Home sweet home

Michael: Whatever. 3 you're manoeuvring erratically.

Muuurgh: I can't help it! My R2 unit's gone crazy it keeps on trying to protect Chris's X-wing!

Michael: What?

Muuurgh: It says it has to keep him safe at all costs!

Michael: We can't have that! Bringdeath, can you blow the R2 unit?

Absolver: considering we just failed to shoot down a single Massassi fighter I doubt it...

<Bringdeath fires and blows the back half of Muuurghs fighter off...>

Bringdeath: How was that?

Muuurgh: Oh just great! Any chance of a pickup anyone?

<Later on the surface>

Michael: Are you the chief Tech?

SuperC3PO: Yes. Is there a problem?

Michael: Why did you program this droid to protect Chris Swanwalker?
A look of grim realisation flashes across SuperC3PO's face. She turns and runs. Michael pulls out a blaster and shoots her.

Chris: Why'd you do that?

Michael: She deserved it. Now who in the galaxy would want to keep you safe?

Absolver: I can't think of anyone

Wuss: Neither can I

Bringdeath: or I

Muuurgh: I'm still stuck in orbit isn't anyone going to come and get me?

Chris: <through gritted teeth> Thanks Guys.

<Matthew, Cguy and Chewbubba enter>

Cguy: Ok so we screwed it up

Matthew: Sob

Chewbubba: Yes the entire mission was an unmitigated disaster, a total failure in all respects, and Burrie is now doomed to remain Boba Ramens prisoner indefinitely. He'll probably thaw him out and torture him a bit before taking him to Dave the Hutt.

Matthew: <Bursts into tears> Sob

Michael: But something interesting did come from it

Cguy: Oh?

Michael: Someone’s trying to protect Chris

Matthew: <Sobering rapidly> Who in the universe would want him safe?

Chewbubba: Ya got me.

Cguy: Haven’t got the faintest.

B-3OAM: Certainly not me

McR2: BEEP BOP BEEP! (I wouldn't shed any tears if something happened to him.)

Chris: Right that's it! I'm outta here

Matthew: Good. Head back to Taccooine will you? Then you can keep an eye out for Boba Ramen.

Chris: I'd prefer not to be somewhere where you can find me...

Matthew: Just go will you!

<Chris Leaves dragging McR2 kicking and screaming along with him>

Matthew: Dash got a new job for you.

Dash Rambu: Shoot

Matthew: Go to Taccooine and keep an eye on him. I don't want this body guarding thing to go to his head.

Dash Rambu: Well I guess I've not got anything else worth doin'

Matthew: Good. Cguy, hypothetically what would be the best way of contacting someone in Lilac Sun?

Cguy: The best way? Don't

Matthew: We have to, or the plot pretty much ends at this point.

Cguy: Well I guess we could try Aglar. He owns a casino on Rodia. Word had it he has some ties to them.

Matthew: Good let's do that.

<Chapter 8>

<******s quarters aboard his flagship, on route to the Vergasso asteroids. ****** has
uncharacteristically decided to talk about his problems...>

******: I mean it's just not fair. He always takes Xarchamedes side!

Admiral Kedri: Well I...

******: Every time he suggests some thing it's 'Ooo that's a good idea let's do that. See to it ******'. Every time I suggest something it's I'm in charge here and I decide what goes!

Admiral Kedri: Well I...

******: He just doesn't listen. It's so unfair. Everything’s always my fault...

Admiral Kedri: Well I...

******: And now he's got me out here doing Xarchamedes dirty work for him.

Admiral Kedri: Well I...

******: But every time I want to do something it's always 'No you have to do this instead'

Admiral Kedri: Well I...

******: Maybe I should just kill him and take charge of the galaxy myself

Admiral Kedri: Well I...

******: But the paperwork would be a killer.

Admiral Kedri: Well I...

******: I'll just have to kill Xarchamedes instead. Thanks Admiral Kedri I’m glad we had this little chat.

<****** Leaves>

Admiral Kedri: I still can't believe he didn't throttle me...

<Sometime later on The Bridge>

Admiral Kedri: Asteroids Dead ahead sir!

******: About blinkin' time, Commence the attack, I’m going out in my fighter

Admiral Kedri: My lord. Is that... legal? oops sorry wrong script AHHHHHH! And an old thrice recycled joke! The shame...

******: Get on with it...

Admiral Kedri: My lord is that wise? After all the last time you felt like a little dog fighting we lost an entire death star/ Level Pack...

******: Yes, well I don't trust your piloting, especially not through an asteroid field. Anyway how come Admiral Piet isn't here?

Admiral Kedri: The author of Shadows of the empire couldn't remember what his character was called so he used another admiral instead...

******: I see, well get to it! I want that base reduced to free floating atoms!

Admiral Kedri: That will be time consuming my lord. Would you settle for football-sized chunks?

******: Very well. Also these are enemies of Xarchamedes so see to it that a large number of them escape!

Admiral Kedri: Sir?... No never mind, I know, I know, just get on with it right?

******: You're becoming strangely flippant Admiral. May I remind you that you aren't in any other Massassi wars books or films so I would be well within the story constraints to kill you....

Admiral Kedri: I know but I figure since I’m not in Return of the Jed I’m dead anyway so I might as well see how much I can get away with....

******: Fair point. Quite a refreshing change actually. I think I’ll keep you around a while longer...

Admiral Kedri: Thanks bucket head, now clear off. Knowing how long you take to get ready the battle will be over by the time you're ready

******: Don't push it Kedri.

<The emperor's inner sanctum>

Brian: Ah Prince Xarchamedes. Do come in.

Xarchamedes: Thank you your Excellency. Ummm why is it so dark in here?

Brian: To create a sinister atmosphere! Now come over here and tell me what you want.

Xarchamedes: Ok. ummmm where exactly are you?

Brian: Oh for the love of..... Just turn the damn lights on!

<click>

Xarchamedes: Ah that's better. I came to enquire about the redevelopment plans for the British airways base I informed Lord ****** of.

Brian: Redevelopment. Ooo I like that. Very good. Hang on a mo' He said you said it was a rebel base.

Xarchamedes: I said nothing of the kind.

Brian: Oh. Well I sent him to blow it up

Xarchamedes: Damn him! He knows I was planning a merger with British Airways he set this up!

Brian: This isn't one of your more convincing ploys Xarchamedes.

Xarchamedes: I know, but just go along with it.

Brian: Oh very well. I'll act all annoyed with him next time we chat ok?

Xarchamedes: Fine.

Chapter Nine:

<Taccooine. Outside Cobi-dans old shack>

McR2: Beep beep Bep (Here ya go one new cleaving tool)

Chris: I trust those wires connecting the grip to the power pack aren't still attached?

McR2: Boople beep bep beeeeep (S******. No I disconnected them this time)

Chris: Good, it took me ages to stop my hair standing on end like that. Right here goes...

<The brilliant green beam of the cleaving tool flickers to life>

Chris: Excellent. Now hold still you treacherous little droid. I wanna see how well it cut's through metal...

McR2: Beepy Beep (No wait! Look there’s a bunch of guys on speeder bikes coming to kill you!)

Chris: What? I'll show 'em!

<As the guys on speeder bikes swoop down to attack Chris throws McR2 at one of them. He and the droid go flying and Chris commandeers the now empty bike>

Chris: Neat, now then let's see about loosing them in Beggers canyon...

<He speeds off with the others in pursuit and enters the stupidly jagged, outcropping filled, implausibly twisty Beggars Canyon>

MikeC: Hey look he's going down into that canyon

MunkY: Well let's get after him

Cave_Demon: Hang on a mo'

MikeC: What?

Cave_Demon: How can there be a canyon here?

MunkY: Is this relevant?

MikeC: No he's got a point. Canyons are usually cut by running water

MunkY: And?

Cave_Demon: Well when was the last time you saw running water on Taccooine?

MunkY: I dunno. Maybe a moisture farm sprung a leak. Look he's getting away

MikeC: Don't you have any scientific curiosity at all?

<About this point the three Massassians start arguing amongst themselves and promptly fly into the next outcropping>

BOOOOM!
Chris: Well that was easy

mscbuck: Yes but you forgot about us didn't you?

Hideki: Surrender!

Chris: Oh oh! Looks like these guys actually know how to fly these things...

<They continue twisting and turning through the canyon at insanely high speeds (3 or 4 miles an hour at least) narrowly missing the canyon walls and other obstacles. Suddenly Chris finds his route blocked by a solid stone wall.>

Chris: What?? I'm sure this wasn't here last time I did this...

mscbuck: Heh heh! That's because you're in Beggars VALLEY you idiot! Beggers canyon is 5 miles that way

Chris: oh. Whoops!

Hideki: And now we kill you!

<Suddenly there's a sound of blaster fire and the bikes carrying the two massassians explode>

Dash Rambu: Hmmm well that was Entertaining. The look on your face when they told you were in the wrong canyon! Priceless.

Chris: Shut Up! What are you doing here anyway?

Dash Rambu: Princess Matthew asked me to keep an eye on you. Didn't want you getting all self-important because someone’s trying to keep you alive. What better way then for me to save you from these idiots thereby leaving you annoyed and humiliated?

Chris: Fine you've done your job now go away.

Dash Rambu: Look we've been through this already I can't leave. I'm Burries replacement for the book. Why is everyone always so keen to get rid of me?
Chris: It's nothing plot related, it's strictly personal...

Chapter 10:

<Rodia>

<A casino>

<At night>

<21:37>

<And 22 seconds>

<Precisely>

<Princess Matthew, Cguy and Chewbubba are seating in the managers office talking to the extremely fat Rodian who owns the club>

Aglar: Yesss I having known persons on pink star. But talk prove not easy.

Princess Matthew: Maybe so but we are prepared to pay for the information we seek.

Cguy: We are?

Aglar: Help may this. But time required arrange meeting much.

Chewbubba: You're not related to a short Muppet are you? You do have a similar skin tone and your basic is comparable.

Aglar: Basic my greatness. Better far then Rodians most.

Cguy: OK that's it! Just speak Rodian will you?

Aglar: Eee i doi tiai y tiii

Cguy: Much better.

Matthew: You Understood that?

Cguy: Hell no, but at least it was more coherent.

<Taccooine. Cobi-dans shack. Chris and Dash are finding new and exciting ways to pass the time>

Chris: I spy with my little eye something beginning with S.

Dash: Sand

Chris: Damn. Ok your turn

Dash: I spy with my little eye something beginning with S

Chris: erm Sky?

Dash: Yep
Chris: I spy with my little eye something beginning with S.

Dash: Sun.

Chris: well SunS but near enough

Dash: I spy with my little eye something beginning with S

Chris: Shack

Dash: There MUST be something more entertaining we could be doing

Chris: No, no look, I spy with my little eye something beginning with S!

Dash: Searing heat!

Chris: NO

Dash: Look there's nothing else here. We're in the middle of the desert! Sand Grain!

Chris: Nope. Space ship.

Dash: What? Where?

Chris: just up there and heading right for us. Very fast too

Dash: WHAT???!!!!!

<The ship smashes into the ground not too far from Chris and Dash. They run over to it>

Dash: This isn't a space ship; it's a message pod. Who knows you're here?

Chris: Hardly anyone. Matthew, Cguy, Chewbubba, Wedge Thompson, you, the droids, the pizza delivery guy, Dave the Hutt, most of the regulars at the Mos Bros Starport cantina....

Dash: Enough i get the point! Who's it for.

Chris: Princess Matthew or her official representative. That's me. Droid play away

Message pod: Password required

Chris: Chris Swanwalker

Message pod: Password Incorrect

Chris: Burrie Solo

Message pod: Password Incorrect

Chris: Princess Matthew

Message pod: Password Incorrect

<Several hours later>

Chris: Carrie Fisher?

Message pod: Password Incorrect

Chris: Buffy the Vampire slayer?

Message pod: Password Incorrect

Dash: For the love of God will you just let me hack into the thing???!!!!

Chris: NO! Look I can get this... What would she pick? Australia

Message pod: Password Incorrect

Chris: Food

Message pod: Password Accepted!

Dash: Thank God!

<A hologram of a Bothan appears>

Koth Rylan: Greetings princess Matthew, i have important news for you. Please come see me on Bothawui as soon as you get this message. If you've not here in 7 days I'll ummm Tell someone else...

<The hologram fades>

Chris: Well Matthew isn't here so i guess it's up to me to go see what he wants.

Dash: I'll need to come with you.

Chris: If you must

Chapter 11

<Coca-colascant, Prince Xarchamedes is in his office, reviewing a holo recording of Princess Matthew's meeting with Aglar>

Xarchamedes: So this is princess Matthew. My how interesting.

*Xarchamedes had heard of her of course but he'd always assumed she would be a beautiful sophisticated woman who takes great pride in her appearance. A mistaken assumption that*

Gureebee: She approached the owner of one of our Casinos on Rodia wishing to make contact with someone in lilac Sun

Xarchamedes: Your recommendation?

Gureebee: Kill her, the Wookie, the gambler and the casino owner. Blow up their ship, and demolish the casino. Then sterilise the surrounding city and blow up the planet.

Xarchamedes: You don't think that might be considered overkill?

Gureebee: Better safe then sorry. And very few people will be sorry by the loss of princess Matthew.

Xarchamedes: I think not. If our information is correct, and it always is, She is close to only a few people and one of them is Chris Swanwalker. Through her we should be able to find him.

Gureebee: And then we kill her?

Xarchamedes: *Sigh* We'll see.

Gureebee: And Swanwalker?

Xarchamedes: How many times do I have to explain this???? Right I've had enough. Go meet Matthew find out what she wants

Gureebee: <Recalling in horror> Master! Why? Please not that... Not me.

Xarchamedes: Yes you. And... <Pauses for evil effect> I want you to make small talk with her. For hours!

Gureebee: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!

<Rodia. In the casino 'Yugrin's palace' Chewbubba is playing a nervous looking Devronian at holo- erm... snakes and ladders>

B-3OAM: Good Chewbubba, good, now just get a 6 or a 6 and we've got him!

<Matthew walks up>

Matthew: What's going o... Chewies winning???

B-3OAM: Yup. In exchange for a share of the winnings I’ve been dropping hints about what Wookies do when they lose games.

Matthew: Pulling arms off and things?

B-3OAM: Well normally yes, but knowing Chewbubba he'll probably launch into a prolonged speech about how winning doesn't matter and that it's the taking part that's the important thing. The Fun is in the playing etc etc.

Matthew: How unbelievably trite and clichéd.

B-3OAM: Exactly, and any SANE individual would do just about anything to avoid it, thus he's throwing the game and I get a share of Chewbubbas winnings

Matthew: How do you THROW a game of snakes and ladders?

B-3OAM: It isn't easy but he's managing it

<Cguy approaches>

Cguy: Just spoke to Aglar. Lilac Sun have agreed to a meeting, someone should be meeting us the day after tomorrow

Matthew: Great. Where? Some seedy rat infested back alley I presume?

Cguy: You wish. Actually they're coming to see us at our apartment.

Matthew: Well, I suppose we'd better be ready to receive whoever it is hadn't we?

Chewbubba: Excellent! I'll break out the silverware

Matthew: I was thinking more of booby traps and high explosives...

Chapter 12

<Boathawui. A fairly ordinary street in the capital city>

Chris: Well this looks like the right address

Dash: How can you tell?

Chris: Well the sign on the door- 'Bothan SpyNet Inc' Catering for all your intelligence operations since 10273 PE.

Dash: Hmm not very covert. You think they've lost their touch?

Chris: They say the best place to hide is in plain sight.

Dash: I think that's taking things a little TOO far. Oy! guard droid? Let us in!

Gudd: Do you sirs have an appointment?

Chris: Yes.

Gudd: With Whom?

Dash: Koth Rylan.

Gudd: At what time?

Chris: He said as soon as possible

Gudd: When was this invitation made?

Dash: 2 Days ago

Gudd: Was this invitation made in person?

Chris: No by message droid. Is there going to be much more of this?

Gudd: Where were you when you received the message?

Dash: Taccoine
Gudd: Who else was there?

Dash: Noone just us.

Gudd: Have you notified anyone that you received this invitation?

Chris: No.

Gudd: Have you now or at any point in the past been active members of the Massassian military?

Chris NO!

Gudd: Do you have any friends or relatives who are?

Dash: NO!

Chris: Well umm actually my dad might have some involvement....

Gudd: What is the atomic weight of Carbon?

Dash: What's that got to do with anythi...

Gudd: State the flight plan you followed to come here.

Chris: *Sigh* It was direct, Taccooine to Bothawui. No detours.

Gudd: I see. Permission to enter is denied.

Dash: Oh for the love of...

(He pulls out his blaster and shoots the droid. Several passers-by look on with understanding faces. Chris and dash step over the smouldering remains of the droid and enter the building. A droid is seated at the reception desk.)

Gudd2: Do you sirs have an appointment?

Chris: Oh god not again...

Some time and 8 guard droids later.

Koth Rylan: Ah gentlemen come in come in.

Chris: Thanks. You have some very annoying guard droids.

Koth Rylan: Yes and they're very good at keeping Massassians out. Most give up after the third droid.

Dash: Doesn't that get rather expensive?

Koth Rylan: Yes now let's get to business. You two have been woefully unfunny so far SO I’m going to speed things up a bit. A cargo ship will be passing through this system tomorrow. It's carrying some vital data that we need to capture. Go stop it. I've got a collection of inept y-wing pilots to help you.

Dash: Wait a moment I’m not your serven...

Chris: Ok. Any escort for the cargo ship

Koth Rylan: None

Chris: And you don't think this odd?

Koth Rylan: Not really, Massassi is pretty useless when it comes to safeguarding top-secret data. How do you think you guys got the plans to the first death star? Princess Matthew found a spare copy lying on a table in the senate building that some admiral had forgotten to pick up.

Chris: I thought Cougar Katarn stole them

Koth Rylan: Well he did, but we already had seven or eight separate copies by that point, Cougar just got sent to get another set... mostly to give him something to do.

Chapter 13:

<Rodia. Princess Matthews Luxury penthouse apartment>

Matthew: Ok Guys, lilac sun’s representative should be here soon so you’d better keep out of sight.

Cguy: Fine by me. Whata ya say we hit the town Chewie?

Matthew: Actually I meant you hide in there <Matthew points to a door>. That way if things get nasty you’ll be on hand to help out.

Chewbubba: But that’s the closet

Cguy: What the hell are we gonna do in there?

Matthew: Stay alert!

<There is a knock on the door>

Matthew: Ok that must be them- get in there!

<Matthew shoves them both in and shuts the door>

Matthew: Ok B-3OAM, answer the door.

B-3OAM: Answer it your damn self you…

Matthew: There are 100 credits in it for you.

B-3OAM: Certainly mistress!

<Opens the door>

Force_flow2002: Hello Room service here I have the drinks you ordered.

Matthew: Excellent. Set them down over there would you?

<He does this and then leaves>

Matthew: Now we’re all set. She should be here any time.

<Several hours pass>

Matthew: Are you sure we got the right date?

B-3OAM: Of course I’m sure! It's just the AM/ PM bit i'm not sure about...

<Several more hours pass. There is a knock at the door B-3OAM (with some bribing) answers>

Gureebee: Princess Matthew. Greetings.

Princess Matthew: Come in. I trust you had a pleasant trip?

Gureebee: Agreeable enough. Are you enjoying your time here?

Princess Matthew: I am. Please sit down. Would you care for a drink?

Gureebee: I’ll have what he’s having- <Points to B-3OAM>

Princess Matthew: That’s lubricant oil!

Gureebee: I have a strong constitution but on second thoughts I’ll pass.

Princess Matthew: Well I want to thank you for coming all this way.

Gureebee: When a… Is that closet moaning?

Princess Matthew: No it’ll probably just be the droid.

B-3OAM: OI!

Gureebee: No I’m sure it was the… <Shrugs> Must of imagined it. Anyway when a high-ranking member of the rebel alliance asks for a meeting there’s only 3 things you can do. Ignore it, Go to it or Contact the local imperial authorities. Sadly my superior opted for the first.

Princess Matthew: Ah. I understand you have some impressive intelligence operations.

Gureebee: We have our… I’m certain I heard that Closet cursing Australia. *ahem* as I was saying we have our sources.

Princess Matthew: Lovely weather we’re having.

Gureebee: Isn’t it?

Princess Matthew: The flowers are coming up a trea…
Gureebee: Well I must be going now.

Princess Matthew: Very well. Can we meet again in a few days?

Gureebee: Probably although I very much hope not…

<Gureebee exits>

B-3OAM: That has to be the stupidest diplomatic meeting I’ve ever seen.

Princess Matthew: Shut it. And how come you didn’t remind me the guys were still shut in the closet? They’ve been in there 6 hours now!

B-3OAM: Because I hate you all.

Chapter 14:

<Chris Swanwalker Dash Rambu, and Koth Rylan Speed across the surface of Bothawui. They had left the capital hours before and now were approaching a small mountain range.>

Dash: Are we nearly there yet?

Koth: Do you never get tired of asking that?

Chris: I suspect not.

Dash: Are we nearly there yet?

Koth: Yes!

Dash: You said that 5 minutes ago!

Chris: Dash! Shut up!

Dash: I’ll shut up when we get there!

Chris: I really won’t be sorry when we get Burrie back

Koth: Here we are, the hanger is hidden deep within this mountain.

Chris: Really? How do the fighters get out?

Koth: We’re err still working on that…

Dash: Are we there yet?

10 minutes later the trio wandered into the secret (and not particularly useful) hanger

Koth Rylan: Commander Swanwalker let me introduce you to blue flight- Lord o'the Jedi, Master Mage, Matt B, Pagewizard, Raptor3k, Rhett, Salv, Stormie, Zanatio, ZOOIkes, Matt Surman and Augustus

Chris: Pleased to meet you all. What do you guys have in the way of combat experience?

Matt Surman: I took some self-defence classes a couple of years ago

Rhett: I escaped from a riot on Shelnar V.

Stormie: I STARTED the Riot on Shelnar V…

Dash: Oh boy….

Chris: I was thinking more along the lines of Star fighter combat.

PageWizard: Oh. Well in that case no.

Chris: Well never mind, the mission should be fairly easy. What do you guys have in terms of time in the cockpit?

Augustus: Oh loads… at least 3 hours…

Chris: That’s it??

Rhett: Well technically that was in a simulator… For an X-wing.

Chris: And the fact that the only ships you have available are Y-wings doesn’t bother you?

Koth Rylan: Truth be told, I doubt that’s even occurred to them yet.

Dash: I don’t believe this…

Koth Rylan: You see why I went in for spying? I didn’t have much confidence in Bothan military training

Chris: Good decision. Looks like it’s time for some flying lessons…

<Some time later an x-wing, 'The blatant show off' and a squadron of 12 y-wings, all flown shockingly badly, head into space>

Chris: OK guys form up. That freighter will be here any minute

Dash: Ready and waiting.

Matt B: uhhh what does form up mean?

Chris: Just get ready to attack. ION cannons only

Matt Surman: We have ion cannons?

Dash: Maybe it'd be better if you guys sat this one out.

Chris: Too late, here it comes

<A Correlian YT-1074626352 freighter drops out of hyperspace>

Chris: Attention transport <Checks scan display. Does a double take> 'The secret plan Transporter' this is commander Swanwalker, TACC alliance star fighter command. You are ordered to stand down and await boarding.

Blujay: Are you nuts? Were just carrying top-secret pla.... umm nt.. fertilizer. What kind of pirates are you?

Chris: The TACC kind. Are you deaf?

Blujay: Really? Oh well I guess there's no point denying it is there? I'm standing down. We promise not to tamper with any top-secret plans we might purely by co-incidence, happen to be carrying

Dash: Hmmm that was easy.

Matt B: ATTACK!

Chris: No guys we err we can skip that part now

<The y-wings dive towards a freighter firing ion cannons as they go. The ship returns fire and blows 4 of them into little pieces>

Dash: I don't believe these guys

Chris: Damn it guys stand down! You're not even attacking the right ship!

ZOOIkes: We're not?

Blujay: Erm gents sorry to interrupt but were you guys planning on hijacking me any time soon? I've got these top secret plans I’m supposed to make sure you err DON'T get. No way absolutely not, there's no way we want you to have this vital, unencrypted easily accessible data.

Chris: we're getting to it we're getting to it! Dash isn't it about now that you fail at something and loose all your confidence?

Dash: I.... I can't think of a witty comeback to that slur... Nooooo! Oh the shame. My confidence in my abilities is gone.

Chris: Excellent Right on schedule. OK 'The Secret plan Transporter' NOW we'll hijack you.

Blujay: About time!

Chapter 15

<Bothawui, the secret hanger Koth Rylan, Chris, Dash and the remainder of blue flight are chatting.>

Koth Rylan: I can see the stories of your skills are true commander Swanwalker.

Chris: How's that?

Koth Rylan: Well you only got a third of the squadron killed. Most impressive.

Chris: Gee Thanks.

Pagewizard: You don't think it was a little... easy?

Chris: I don't see how. Blujay was waiting for us at the airlock with the secret plans when we docked And we actually had to ask him for the passwords and encryption details, not that there were any... If they really wanted us to have them they could've just transmitted them to us. So what now?

Koth Rylan: We have a crack team of ummm crackers at one of our safe houses on Kothlis. I'll be taking the Computer to them

Pagewaizard: But it's unencrypted...

Koth Rylan: If anyone can crack this thing it'll be them. Care to come along?

Chris: Sure why not. Dash?

Dash: Don't talk to me I'm too miserable.

Chris: Then get lost. Go find Matthew and the others and tell them about the plans.

Dash: Oh yeah 'cause that'll REALLY cheer me up.


<Prince Xarchamedes office>
Xarchamedes: Ah! Gureebee. Welcome back. How went your meeting?

Gureebee: You fiend! Sending me to make small talk with that... that... person. How could you after everything I've done for you!

Xarchamedes: Thank you. It was evil wasn't it? So how did it go?

Gureebee: She was accomplished at tedious meaningless small talk, which you would expect from a TACC moderator. She gave no clue what she wanted other then that it might involve intelligence gathering. I think we should bring her here to find out more

Xarchamedes: I don't think so. Rodia is quite close enough for me

Gureebee: It's approximately 30,000 light years away

Xarchamedes: And THAT's too close for comfort. Well you'd better go see her again and find out something more.

Gureebee: Can't you send someone else? There MUST be something more important i could be doing... Conducting covert espionage operations... assassinating business rivals... watching paint dry...

Xarchamedes: Nope I want you to meet with Princess Matthew again. I want Swanwalker safe and sound, and she's my ticket to that. Now run along and find out what you can.

<Meanwhile on Rodia, Cguy enters Princess Matthews apartment carrying a box>
Cguy: I got it!

Chewbubba: Oooo a Sony Scanmaster 2096. Excellent that will come in handy for my research.

Matthew: You can have it when we're done. This is for checking out that representative from Lilac sun, there's something not quite right about her.

Cguy: What makes you think that?

Matthew: Well her fondness for drinking lubricant oil for starters. Ok let's get this thing set up.

<They open the box>

Cguy: Ok here's the instructions, Hey it comes with a remote control! Ah Nuts! no batteries though.

Chewbubba: Where are we going to set this up?

Matthew: Under the table, that way i can see the display without tipping off Gureebee.

Chewbubba: Well that could be a problem, the power lead won't stretch to the nearest plug socket.

Cguy: I'll go get an extension lead...

Matthew: These instructions are in Huttese! That's no use!

Chewbubba: Fortunately I can read Huttese along with 57 other major galactic languages. Let's have a look.

B-3OAM: I can read 6 million galactic languages. I simply choose not to...

Matthew: This thing has more connecting wires then B-3OAM.

Chewbubba: Ok plug wire A into components TA-121 and JG-611. End 1 of Wire A goes into socket C5 on TA-121 and End 2 of Wire A goes into socket G72 on component JG-612. Socket 7G Passes through to Socket 8C5 on Component A731 via Lead 14Beta5 unless peripheral RW185D is connected to FE12 Socket 5 with a none standard class 3 triaxial wire, in which event...

Matthew: Wait a minute you said it goes into JG-611

Chewbubba: I'm just reading what it says.

Cguy: Here's the extension lead, and look who I found outside

Dash: Hello. I'm depressed.

Matthew: Aren't you supposed to be out humiliating Chris?

Dash: I did that. Then I couldn’t think of a witty comeback. Now I'm miserable. Chris told me to tell you he's hijacked some secret data or something. Did I tell you I'm profoundly unhappy and shocked to the very core of my being?

Matthew: *YAWN* sorry did you say something? Well pull yourself together… and other uplifting stuff like that. Anyway Chewbubba you were saying...

Chewbubba: ... in which event class 42 alternating dipolar induction connectors must be fitted to the secondary inversion port, situated on panel 14H in the...

Matthew: Is there a help line number in there?

<3 frustrating days later>

Matthew: Ok it works! at last!

<Knock on the door>
Matthew: Shes here! Ok quickly hide!

Cguy: Oh no, We're not playing that game. I'm not going near that closet!

Dash: And I'm too depressed to bother hiding

Matthew: Fine! Go loiter in the kitchen or the spare bedroom

Cguy: Better, OK Chewie Let's go

<They exit and a heavily bribed B-3OAM opens the door>

Matthew: Ah Gureebee come in. Can i offer you some refreshment?

Gureebee: No thank you

Matthew: You had a pleasent flight?

B-3OAM: Oh boy, here we go again...

<As they sit Matthew glances at the scan display and is instantly confused by the readings>
-Subject is 5ft 11 tall. Mass approx 10 stones. Physical appearance Human. Skin age approx 10 years.
Anomalous data- Internal readings of subject inconsistent with human physiology. Unable to accurately probe interior. Bioelectic fields irregular. Consistent with isotronic neural circuitry typical in human replica droids-
*What could that mean* Princess Matthew wondered to herself then did a double take at the display as the words
-Shes a robot dumbass!- appeared on the screen

Gureebee: It's was fairly enjoyable yes. You are continuing to enjoy your time here?

Matthew: I am, the Rodians are such a surprisingly welcoming species don't you think?

<Several hours of tedious small talk later>

Gureebee: Ok i think this has gone on long enough.

Matthew: Meaning?

Gureebee: I'm taking you to Coca-colascant. Let's go.

Matthew: Ok

Gureebee: Odd... It wasn't that easy in the book

Matthew: but i'm bringing a friend.

Gureebee: *Sigh* here we go... Very well meet me at docking port 34 in 2 hours

Matthew: Chewbubba, we're off to see Lilac Sun. Cguy go to Kothlis and tell Chris what's going on. Just leave most of the details out, I don't want him interfering. B-30AM you'd better go with Cguy. Dash... go away. Far away.

Dash: I'm too unhappy to clear off. I'll just stay here and fester in misery

Matthew: Well we're all leaving so I guess that's ok. Who are we going to meet?

Gureebee: My Boss, Prince Xarchamedes.

Cguy & Chewbubba: <GASP>

Dash: I'd be surprised if I wasn't so depressed.

Matthew: Is that good?

Cguy: Prince Xarchamedes is the HEAD of Lilac sun

Matthew: Well naturally. Do you think I'd talk to some mere underling?

Cguy: Well it would be more at your usual level…

<Chapter 16>

The safe house on Kothlis was even easier to find then the Bothan Spynet office on Bothawui. The structure was well signposted and the spaceport computer gave Chris clear and concise directions how to get there and what passwords were required to get in. Accordingly Chris decided the Bothans spy training wasn't in fact much better then that of their military corps. Chris entered to find a group of Bothan slicers and Koth Rylan inspecting the computer.

Koth Rylan: Ah commander Swanwalker, Welcome.

Chris: Thanks, how's it going?

Koth Rylan: Slowly. There's no instructions, so they've got to work things out with the help files.

Chris: But that'll take Weeks!

<JFA and Antilles Look up from the computer>

Antilles: Give us a little credit. It'll take days. Things are complicated somewhat thanks to the computer running Microsiths Windows 98. It crashes every 5 minutes is proving nearly impossible to add onto our network, and then there's this stupid piece of software calling itself 'Darth paperclip' that's hindering our every move.

JFA: Hey wait! what's this file on the desktop? 'Secret plans.doc'

Antilles: .doc? For the love of god don't open that! It's booby trapped! You'll launch that blasted paperclip again!

JFA: Phew that was close. Good thinking Antilles. Very devious of the Massassians that.

Koth Rylan: As you can see the plans are very well protected.

Chris: Yes. ummm why is the wallpaper a giant arrow pointing at 'Secret plans.doc' with the caption 'Open this file' at the other end?

JFA: What if we try opening it with notepad?

Antilles: It could work. Give it a try

<Everyone leans in close>

Antilles: Hmm lot's of disruption. Must be the file encryption routines. I can pick out a few things... Levels.. Death pack... More powerful... Endor... Being build around... Endor it's at Endor... go to Endor... have a look at Endor... Endor this... Endor that

Chris: Hmmm What do you think it means? I'm drawing a blank.

Koth Rylan: Well clearly we'll need to do a lot more decrypting before we can get the full pictur...

<At which point the wall blows in and a horde of bounty hunters come pouring in>

Koth Rylan: This is... ill timed.

Chris: We have GOT to talk about your security arrangements.

<Both sides open fire>

Koth Rylan: Antilles get the computer out of here! We'll hold them off!

Chris: We will?

JFA: There's too many of them!

Koth Rylan: I'm supposed to die about now aren't I?

Chris: <Deflecting blaster fire> You NEVER die in these stories.

Koth Rylan: Good point. Ok I'll just leave then see ya!

<Koth Rylan and Antilles leg it out the back door with the computer>

Chris: Well ok I guess it's just you and me

JFA: I guess so

<JFA is shot>

Chris: Ok then that'll be just me then.

Janitor Bob: Surrender Swanwalker, there's no escape.

Chris: Well actually there is, I could just leave the same way my Bothan friends just did but I think I'm supposed to get captured about now aren't I?

Janitor Bob: Yes.

Chris: Ok, well for the sake of the story I surrender.

<Gureebees ship, in hyperspce onroute for Coca-Colascant>

Matthew: Ok so how are we going to sneak onto Coca-Colascant?

Gureebee: This ship has full clearance. To get past customs i want you to wear this-

Matthew: A George 'DoubleU' Bush costume?

Gureebee: Yes He does a little work for us now and again. Here's a set of credentials and a cover story.

Chewbubba: And what about me?

Gureebee: Die your hair black and red. You'll be assuming the roll of one Darth Chewbacca from ANS-34

Chewbacca: A rather undignified disguise...

Matthew: Hey at least you're not playing someone who won an election by getting less votes then his competitor...

Gureebee: It won't be good for my reputation to be seen with you two so we'll go through customs separately. Then we'll meet 2 hours later... somewhere or other.

Matthew: OK.

Chapter 17:

< Chris's cell in The bounty Hunters HQ- One of the many thousand disused office buildings that seem to reside in every city in the universe>

Raynar: Hello Swanwalker

Chris: Hello. Care to tell me what this is about? You made quite a mess of my Bothan friends wallpaper. You could've just knocked.

Raynar: Yes, sorry about that. Actually we were planning on going in through the front door but then one of our guys accidentally dropped a bomb and well...

Chris: I get the picture

Raynar: Anyway you're here because there's a really rather astronomically large reward out for your capture. Well two in fact

Chris: I'm a popular guy...

Raynar: One of the rewards if for you dead.

Chris: ... Among some people

Raynar: Fortunately for you the reward for you alive is slightly more then the one for you dead.

Chris: Maybe we can come to some arrangement. I have friends with deep pockets

Raynar: I doubt you can outbid... actually I’m not supposed to know who it is that wants you alive, but whoever it is I doubt you can outbid whoever they are. Whatever whoever’s reward is, it's pretty vast.

Chris: Do you have to practice being that vague?

Raynar: Anyway we're quite incredibly greedy so we're gonna get these parties to bid for you.

Chris: How are you going to do that seeing as you apparently don't know who one of them is?

Raynar: Well... we're working on it. That's why I’m afraid you're gonna be stuck here for a while.

Chris: And if the top bidder wants me dead?

Raynar: Well that'd be unfortunate for you. But it's not personal. Well not VERY personal anyway... Janitor Bob will be standing guard outside so don't go getting any ideas.

Chris: I'm quaking with fear...

<Meanwhile Chewbubba and Princess Matthew are attempting to get through Coca-Colascant customs>

Hellcat: Papers please

<Princess Matthew, now disguised as President Bush hands over her papers>

Hellcat: Hmmm everything seems to be in order. The purpose of your visit?

Princess Bush: To degrade relations between the USA and the rest of the world.

Hellcat: A normal overseas business trip for you then?

Princess Bush: Yup.

Hellcat: Very well Next

Chewbubba: Here you go. <Hands papers over>

Hellcat: A wookie that speaks basic? There's a first.

Chewbubba: Yeah I get that all the time. Anything else?

Hellcat: Are you carrying any Weapons?

Chewbubba: Just this 17 bladed lightsaber.

Hellcat: Well I see you have a license to carry that weapon, however we don't appreciate the use of dangerous weapons on Coca-Colascant

Chewbubba: It's a 17 bladed lightsaber. The person it's the most dangerous to is me.

Hellcat: Fine just go away. NEXT!

<Once beyond customs>

Princess Bush: Well that wasn't too tricky

Chewbubba: Now what

Princess Bush: I want to go and see a contact of mine. See if they can confirm any info on Lilac sun before we meet up with Gureebee.

Chewbubba: And where to we find this 'contact'. Some seedy bar I assume?

Princess Bush: How did you know?

Chewbubba: Wild guess..

<Emperor Brians Inner sanctum>

Brian: Lord ******, I have a job for you.

******: Is this something I’m actually needed for or are you simply sending me because of another of Prince Xarchamedes's little brain waves?

Brian: The latter

******: There's a shock.

Brian: You will go to Kothlis and collect Swanwalker and bring him back here to me. Alive.

******: Yes that's definitely one of ******s ideas.

Brian: While there you will blow up some random landmarks to make it appear as though we are attempting to recover the level pack plans.

******: How will THAT make it look as though we're attempting to recover the plans?

Brian: It's err highly technical and has to do with the single player mentality.

******: I see, well I’ll be off before you tell me to 'just get on with it' again

Brian: Stop dithering and get on with it lord ******.

******: <Muttering angrily as he goes> I swear if we EVER find ourselves overlooking a bottomless pit on say.. I don’t know a level pack...

Chapter 18: Fun and Games at Kothlis

<Chris, being very bored, is practicing his levitation>

Chris: Wooo! I’m floating. I'm going higher and higher and... <BANG> .. That’ll be the ceiling. Ow.

Janitor Bob: What’s going on in there?

Chris: Open the door

Janitor Bob: Why?

Chris: you must open the door

Janitor Bob: I must open the door?

Chris: yes.

Janitor Bob: Why?

Chris: Because I’m using a Jedi mind trick.

Janitor Bob: You are?

Chris: Yes

Janitor Bob: it's not working.

Chris: Then why did you just open the door?

Janitor Bob: I didn't. I can see it's still locked in front of me.

Chris: That's an illusion I’m projecting into your mind. The door is actually wide open I'm no longer in the cell

Janitor Bob: Yes you blinkin' are!

Chris: Hadn't you better check to make certain?

Janitor Bob: Well I guess there's no harm in that...

<Janitor Bob Opens the door and promptly gets hit over the head with one of the legs from Chris’s bed.>

Chris: That was harder work then I was expecting. Right now to find my cleaving tool.

<He locks Janitor Bob in the cell and heads out into the corridor. It's night and everyone is asleep>

Chris: Ah! There it is! Right at the end of the corridor. How convenient.

Tracer: Who, who’s there

Chris: Sorry I thought this was the bathroom

Tracer: oh Ok then. Hey wait a mo' you're that Swanwalker guy!

Chris: And?

Tracer: so why aren't you in your cell?

Chris: Because I’m tryin' to go to the bathroom

Tracer: Oh. Oh ok then

<Tracer Leaves>

Chris: Well that was easy

<He heads for the exit. Suddenly Tracer wises up and an alarm sounds>

Tracer: He’s escaping! Everyone get up!

Chris: Oh hell...

<Chris makes a run for the exit deflecting blaster fire from pursuing guards as he goes. Suddenly he finds his way blocked by more guards>

Elmo: We've got him now

<At this point the wall by the side of one group explodes>

Elmo: Hey no fair! That's our trick

Cguy: Hi Chris. Care for a lift?

Chris: Wouldn't say no, where you headed?

Cguy: Ok let's go!

<They leap into a speeder Cguy had 'borrowed' and err speed off.

Cguy: We'd better be quick getting out of here, just after I landed a heard that an imperial convoy had entered the system. The lead ship is a star destroyer

Chris: Victory class?

Cguy: No

Chris: Imperial class

Cguy: No

Chris: Intrepid class

Cguy: No

Chris: Venture class?

Cguy: No, and are they even classes of Star destroyer?

Chris: Evil class

Cguy: This is going to take some time at this rate. No it's one of those whacking great huge ones

Chris: Eclipse class?

Cguy: NO!!

<The speed on towards the local star port.>


<Several hours later Darth ****** glares menacingly at the Bounty hunters somewhat battered HQ>

Darth ******: Bring me the highest-ranking survivor. And a pizza.

Evil_Giraffe: Yes Lord ******.

<Raynar is dragged before ******>

Darth ******: Do you know who I am?

Raynar: Y..yes lord ******.

Darth ******: Good where is Swanwalker?

Raynar: He escaped.

Darth ******: Well DUH! I figured THAT out myself. <****** clenches his fist, but strangely Raynar seems unaffected. Then suddenly he notices Evil_Giraffe clutching his throat and gasping for breath> Oops! Sorry commander. Ok so what happened?

Raynar: I.. I was asleep. I awoke to blaster fire, I came out into the corridor and Swanwalker was there. We shot at him and he waved that cleaving thingy back and forth and somehow blocked the bolts.

Darth ******: Yeah I know. He does that all the time. Annoying isn't it?

Raynar: Well we were sure to take him when suddenly the wall exploded and a million rebels came pouring in and took him. By the time the smoke cleared they were gone.

Darth ******: Amazing! You're an even worse liar then you are a bounty hunter. Rumour has it someone else wants Swanwalker. Who?

Raynar: I don't know

<****** starts to clench his fist again and all the Massassians leg it.>

Raynar: Wait wait! I really don't know. We dealt with agents!

Darth ******: You suspect though don't you?

Raynar: Yeah I heard a rumour it was lilac sun.

Darth ******: And they wanted Swanwalker dead too?

Raynar: Yes and by yes I mean no.

Darth ******: What! Commander! Let's go. We may still be able to get Swanwalker before he leaves the system

Evil_Giraffe: What about this scum?

Raynar: Pardon?

Darth ******: Leave them. They're utterly worthless

Raynar: That's a bit harsh isn't it?

<Menwhile in Prince Xarchamedes office on Coca-Colascant.>

Prince Xarchamedes: WHAT??? You brought her here? I specifically told you not to.

Gureebee: I must have misheard. Anyway she’s on her way to meet you now.

Prince Xarchamedes: Oh very well. But I’m going to use my repellent pheromones to keep her at bay...

<The door opens and Princess Matthew and Chewbubba enter. Gureebee exits. Quickly.>

Prince Xarchamedes: Ah princess Matthew welcome. A delight to meet you at last

*Woah! Princess Matthew thought as she entered, that guy's a bit of alright and yet somehow I want to get away from him... what's THAT all about?*

Princess Matthew: Thanks I err I think we should be leaving

Chewbubba: No, we need the information first!

Princess Matthew: So you get it, I... I need some fresh air.

*No! Princess Mathews mind screamed, you can't pass up on a guy like that* But somehow passing him up was all she wanted to do.

Prince Xarchamedes: Afraid you're on the wrong planet for that. But I tell you what, why don't you go for a walk, have a look at the guest rooms we have prepared for you, and Chewbubba and I can negotiate.

Chewbubba: If it's all the same to you I think I’ll go and check out the rooms as well.

Prince Xarchamedes: Yes of course you must be tired after the long trip. Go and get settled in and we can meet again when you're both rested.

<They exit>

Prince Xarchamedes: That was too close. I'm gonna have to increase the dose for our next meeting...