I found this while looking through some old stuff the other day. I thought I'd post it for the old-timers who would remember it. Written by members of TACC and including members of that site and Massassi as characters. Posted exactly as it is written in the files I have.

Massassi Wars

Episode VI: Return of the JED


Cast
Luke - Chris Swanwalker
Han - Burrie
Admiral Ackbar - Admiral Ryan
Leia - Matthew
Chewie - Chewbubba
C-3P0 - B-3OAM (aka Anthony)
R2-D2 - Hamish McR2 (aka CookedHaggis)
Ben / Obi-Wan - CHill / Cobi-Dan Hilldewandokosserobibananaramanose
Emperor Palpatine - Emperor Brian
Darth Vader - Darth ******
Moff Jerjerrod - Moff Archimedes
Admiral Piett - Admiral Heeb
Earlda - Earl
Boba Ramen - Captain Ramen
Mr. Ramen's Stunt Double - Jedi_Bubba_Fatt
Wedge - Michael Thompson
Nien Nub - Niem Ambu (aka Emambu)
Jabba the Hutt - Dave the Hutt
Bib Gebohq - Gebohq
Rancor - Wolfy

------------------------------------------------------------

Chris Swanwalker has returned to his home
planet of Taccooine in an attempt to rescue
his friend Burrie from the clutches of the
vile gangster Dave the Hutt.

Little does Chris know that the MASASSI
EMPIRE has secretly begun construction on a
new multiplayer level pack even more powerful
than the fourth one.

When completed, this ultimate weapon will
spell certain doom for the small band of
TACCers struggling to restore Singleplayer to the
JK community...

*The half-finished Level pack fills the sky, seemingly dwarfing the tiny moon of Endor. TIE fighters fly around it in formation, and a star destroyer hangs ominously in the background. In short, things don't look good for the TACCers.
A shuttle approaches...*

Lt_Greywolf: (Into the com) "Command station, this is Shuttle 1337. Code clearance green. We're starting our approach. Deactivate the security shield."

*On board the level pack, an officer monitors the shuttle's approach*

Ping_me: (Into the com) "The security deflector shield will be deactivated when we have confirmation of your code transmission. Stand by... You are not clear to proceed."

Lt_Greywolf: "Roger that command, we're starting our approa....What?"

Ping_Me: "Haha. Got you there. Just my little joke."

Lt_Greywolf: "Son of a female wookie."

Ping_Me: "Look buddy, I can just leave the shield up if that's what you want..."

Lt_Greywolf: "You do realise that Lord ****** is aboard this shuttle?"

Ping_Me: "You're having a laugh."

Darth ******: (Into the com) "I am most displeased at your idiotic games officer."

Ping_Me: "Stop that. It's not even a good impression."

*Ping_Me starts to choke, and quickly flops over his console, dead. A deck officer looks down at him and scurries off to Moff Archimedes*

bug: "Commander, Lord ******'s shuttle has arrived..."

*Inside a hanger bay, hundred of Massassians stand in rows (well, OK, about three Massassians and about 1200 cardboard cut-outs), all their uniforms parade ground clean. The exit ramp of the shuttle lowers, for no apparent reason setting off some smoke canisters.
Darth ****** strides down the ramp, the darkness of his monstrous suit contrasting with the white smoke behind*

Moff Archimedes: "Lord ******, this is an unexpected pleasure. We are honoured by your presence."

Darth ******: "Stop kissing my ***. I'm here to give yours a kick."

Moff Archimedes: "I assure you, my men are working as hard as possible. Watch this."

*Moff Archimedes turns on a hand-held holo device showing some massassians working. Well actually, they're chucking paper TIE fighters around and generally messing about*

Moff Archimedes: "Uh..."

*He flips to another channel. The room is empty and a "Gone drinking" sign is hanging over one of the seats*

Darth ******: "Perhaps I can find new ways to motivate them. Muwhahahaha!"

Moff Archimedes: "This station will be operational as planned."

Darth ******: "Brian doesn't think so."

Moff Archimedes: "Well Brian's a friggin' moron then."

Darth ******: "Perhaps you can tell him that when he arrives."

Moff Archimedes: "Brian's coming here?!"

Darth ******: "You betcha. And he finds your lack of progress disturbing."

Moff Archimedes: "We shall double our efforts!"

Darth ******: "You'd better. For your sake Archi. Brian is not as forgiving as I am..."

*On a deserted stretch of track in the middle of desolate rocky terrain, two figures can just be made out in the haze*

B-3OAM: "Of course I'm worried. And so should you be. Cguy and Chewie never return from this dump. So I doubt I will."

McR2: "Beep Beep." (Well maybe you care, but I don't give a stuff. Chris is a bloody slave driver, it's all: 'Repair my hyperdrive, fly my starship, play this holovideo, scan this area.' I wouldn't mind working for someone else.)

B-3OAM: "Don't be so sure. If I told you half the things I've made up about Dave the Hutt, you'd probably crap yourself. If that were possible..."

McR2: "Beep beep." (Just knock on the friggin' door already.)

*B-3OAM starts knocking on the door...*

3OAM: "Well, no one's in, either that or they're too f**king lazy to answer... let's go, I'm starving..."

MCR2: "Uhh... read the f**king sign..."

*There's a sign saying "Please ring bell"*

3OAM: "Bah..."

*3OAM rings the bell*
A tennis ball taped to the end of a broken tree branch... I mean... a mechanical droid arm with an eye on the end comes out of a little hole...*

DROID: "Piss off, no salesman, no Jahova's witnessess and no trick or treaters allowed..."

3OAM: "Well actually, I am B-3OAM, droid sex symbol and movie star..."

DROID: "Really?"

MCR2: "Shut up you lying piece of s**t..."

DROID: "Bah, no liars either, good day..."

*The droid arm goes back in his little hole...*

3OAM: "You see, you idiot, that was my plan to get in this dump, now we're gonna... have... to go... home... yes, good job, McR2..."

*3OAM starts to walk off...

Suddenly the droid arm comes back out...*

DROID: "I've changed my mind..."

3OAM: "What?"

DROID: "Seeing that you are a major plot element, I will let you in..."

3OAM: "Sod that, I'm leaving..."

*The door opens... and McR2 goes in...*

3OAM: "No, wait... don't leave me..."

*3OAM runs in after him...*

MCR2: "Can't survive without me, eh?"

3OAM: "Umm...No, it's just..uh...sod this..."

*3OAM is about to make a run for the door but it closes back...*

3OAM: "Damn..."

*Suddenly a bunch of guys in Porky Pig costumes holding tennis raquets come along...*

3OAM: "Hamorrean guards!"

*Bib Gebohq (Dave's assistant) comes along...*

BIB: "Die wanker wanker!"

3OAM: "What? What did you call me..."

MCR2: "We're here to see your Dave bloke..."

BIB: "Aw.. Dave wanker..."

MCR2: "Surely, that's no way to speak about your master.."

BIB: "Well.. he is..."

*They follow Bib into Dave's main audience chamber, Dave is sitting there smoking a joint, he seems to be about three times as big as he was the last time we saw him...*

BIB: "Master..."

DAVE: "Awww!!!!"

BIB: "Some droid wankers have come to see you..."

3OAM: "Umm.. afternoon... OK, McR2 play the message so we can get out of here..."

*A big hologram of Chris appears before Dave...*

*Everyone starts cracking up...*

CHRIS: "Right, I know as soon as you are gonna see this you're going to laugh at my hideous hair.. but I'm here to talk business..."

*Eventually, they all overcome the laughter...*

CHRIS: "I am Chris Swanwalker, JED-i Knight and friend.. well.. not exactly friend... more like... associate...or.. something... of Captain Burrie..."

Tallgeese: "Wow, is this gonna be on TV?"

CHRIS: "What? Who are you? No, it isn't going to be on TV... go away.... anyway...."

*A big sign saying "Hi Mum" sticks up from behind Chris...*

CHRIS: "I know that you are... oh for God's sake... go away! This is not gonna be on TV, your mum is not gonna see that sign and she's not gonna be impressed, now f**k off... ahem... anyway, yes you are powerful, and your anger with Burrie must be equally powerful, anyway, give him back, if we don't get him back, Matthew is just gonna eventually give up on him and keep pestering me as she did to Burrie, and believe me, I'd rather make love to you, Dave than Matthew..."

*Dave's eyes light up, he takes it as a compliment....*

CHRIS: "Anyway, as a token of my umm... "good will"... I present to you a gift, these two droids.."

3OAM: "What? I'm not staying in this dump!"

CHRIS: "Both are annoying and constantly whining and I'll be glad to get rid of them...Uh..I mean loyal and hardworking....yes...."

3OAM: "Umm, ignore him Dave, it's the wrong message..."

*Chris' hologram disappears..*

DAVE: "There will be no bargain..."

3OAM: "I'm doomed..."

DAVE: "I'm not giving up my favourite decoration, I'm pretty much chuffed with where Burrie is now..."

*We see the high street store dummy which Burrie has turned into standing on a block of stone modelling women's clothes...*

3OAM: "Look... it's Burrie... haha... hahahaha... he's wearing a flowery pink dress... what a poof..."

BOBA RAMEN: "Aww... don't be nasty, I resent that... ooohhh...."

*A couple of porky pigs escort 3OAM and McR2 through some nasty dungeon tunnels...*

3OAM: T"hat self centered 70's haircutted ****... leaving me here... I'll throttle him..."

*They are soon lead to a grumpy looking robot named Phoenix_9286...*

9286: "Ah, good. New acquisitions. You are a protocol droid, are you not?"

3OAM: "I am B-3OAM, droid sex symbol and..."

9286: "Yes or no will do.."

3OAM: "Umm.. yeah sure..."

9286: "How many languages do you speak?

3OAM: "More than you... you.. piece of..."

9286: "Splendid, we've been without an intepretor since our last protocol droid annoyed the hell out of our master by saying that blending "Star Wars" with "Aliens" was a bad idea, and had him disintegrated.."

3OAM: "Disintegrated?"

*Cut to cardboard droid being stabbed in the head with a cheap, tacky-looking plastic sword...*

3OAM: "Ooh-er..."

9286: "Take this droid upstairs and fit him with a restraining bolt..."

3OAM: "No... you... I hate you.... you b..."

*3OAM is led away by some Hamorreans..*.

MCR2: "You're one ugly mother f**ker, I mean, look at you, pencil neck, and that head... makes you look like ET's droid brother..."

9286: "For that remark, I'm making you a cocktail waitress..."

MCR2: "Waitress?"

9286: "Take this droid, fit him with a restraining bolt and give him lipstick and eyeshadow..."

MCR2: "Lipstick and eyeshadow?"

*Meanwhile Dave's having a party... Taryn the Twi'lek dancer is dancing around trying to impress Dave...*

DAVE: "Boooring!"

*Dave pulls her into a pit. Everyone watches her fall down, we hear her screaming...*

3OAM: "Oh good... I never could stand all that prancy stuff..."

*Suddenly a Bush...*

PUCKAS: "Boushh!"

*It says here "Bush"... how can a Bush be pulling Chewbubba along by a chain?*

PUCKAS: "Look, it's a typo, it's supposed...."

*I'm just gonna go along with the script... maybe it means President Bush... George W Bush walks in with Chewbubba attached to a chain...*

BUSH: "Hey there..."

DAVE: "Argh... get out, we're all "Gore" supporters..."

BUSH: "Well you should vote for me.. why? Well every website begins with W W W..."

*Everyone looks blankly at Bush...*

BUSH: "Anyway, I've come for the bounty on this hairy thing..."

DAVE: "Oh.. at last we have the mighty Chewbubba.... I will gladly pay you 25,000..."

BUSH: "Hey, I'm the President of the United States... 25,000 is peanuts to me, 50,000,000, no less..."

Dave goes mad and pushes 3OAM over...

3OAM: Oww... you spiteful brute, watch what you're doing...

DAVE: Why must I pay 50,000,000?

BUSH: Cos I have here a remote control, one press of it will launch every single US Nuke at this pitiful looking dump...

Boba Ramen (who is chatting up a load of blokes in pink leotards) comes forward and aims his blaster at Bush...

BOBA: Aww... Mr.President, you're soooo mean....

Dave laughs...

DAVE: Well, dude you're my kinda scum, tell ya what, how about we forget this all happened and you join the party? I promise I will vote for you in the next election...

BUSH: That's good enough for me...

The party starts back up...

Chewbubba goes mad as a load of Hamorreans lead him to a cell...

CHEWBUBBA: Get off me you fat brutes, stop it...

Late that night...

Everyone is asleep...

George Bush walks up to the high street store dummy modelling the women's clothes... next to the dummy is a large button saying "don't push me", George pushes it...

The camera angle changes, and where the dummy was standing is now Burrie.. wearing women's clothes... he falls to the floor...

BUSH: Just relax their fella...

BURRIE: I can't see...

BUSH: Oh, you'll be able to see soon enough...

BURRIE: Who are you?

BUSH: Someone who loves you...

BURRIE: I recognise that voice... you're President Bush... you love me?

BUSH: Gimme a sec to get this damn mask off... there...

Bush takes his mask off to reveal... Matthew...

MATTHEW: As I said... someone who loves you...

BURRIE: Oh God, no!

Matthew forces a kiss on Burrie...

BURRIE: ARGHH! GET OFF!!! ARGHH!!!

Burrie's screams wake everyone up...

MATTHEW: Oh look what you've gone and done...

DAVE: Aww... what... Burrie!!

BURRIE: Look, Dave, I was just on my way to pay you back, I got sidetracked, it's not my fault...

DAVE: Too late, now you're Bantha s**t... muhahhaha...

Everyone else laughs as Burrie is dragged away...

Dave looks at Matthew.. his eyes light up...

DAVE: Oooh... a female Hutt...

MATTHEW: I'm not a hu...

DAVE: Cor.... get this bird stripped down to a gold bikini and a pair of skimpy panties, pronto...

BIB: Umm.. we don't have any Bikini's or panties in her size...

DAVE: Oh, well have her completely starkers... naked....

EVERYONE IN THE PALACE (apart from Dave and Matthew): EUUGGHHHHHH!!!!!

*The main door opens, and a silhouet is seen.
Chris strides down the hallway, and is confronted by two guards. He raises his hand and they back away.*

SavageX: "Cor! His armpits don't half pong..."

*Chris keeps going, and is then confronted by Bib Gebohq*

Bib Gebohq: "Sod off. Didn't you hear the bell? No salesmen allowed."

Chris: "I must speak with Dave."

Bib Gebohq: "Look at you. You can't even afford a decent haircut."

Chris: "Take me to Dave now. Or I'll have to show you the true power of the JED..."

Bib Gebohq: "Wanker. Fine, come on then."

*They enter the main audience chamber*

B-3OAM: "Finally! Chris is here to take me back."

Bib Gebohq: "Chris Swanwalker, JED-i knight."

Dave: "What's he doing here? I told you to get rid of him."

Bib Gebohq: "He must speak."

Dave: "Weak minded fool! He's using an old editor's trick."

Chris: "You will bring Captain Solo and the Wookie to me."

B-3OAM: "Oi! What about me?"

Dave: "Haha. Mind tricks don't a work on me. Only money. And thermal detonators."

Chris: "Well up yours. I'm taking them anyway."

B-3OAM: "Er..by the way, you're standing on the...."

Dave: "And now Mr. Swanwalker...you will die..."

*Chris grabs a pistol, but Dave makes a movement with his hand and the floor opens up and swallows him.
Chris and MaDaventor, one of Dave's guards, slide into a pit. The sandy floor is littered with debry, which on closer inspection all appear to be made of paper mache. Chris' attention is dragged away by an ominous rumbling from the far side of the pit, and he turn to see a large metal door slowly open. MaDa tries desperately to scramble back up the entry shaft, but a grate blocks his way*

B-3OAM: "Hey cool, a Rancor!"

Bib Gebohq: "Not just any rancor, this is Dave's personal pet. He calls it "Wolfy"."

*Wolfy looks up at the sound of his name*

*A crowd gathers around the pit, eager for some action*

Slug: "Roll up, roll up, place your bets!"

Cave_Demon: "Er...bets? This is a rancor. They don't tend to lose."

Slug: "Ha, that's what you think. I read the script in advance. Er...whoops...forget I said that....So, who wants to place a bet?"

*A large number of beings walk up to Slug and place heavy bets. Slug walks away with a smug smile on his face*

Crowd: "Kill! Kill! Kill!"

Wolfy: "Shut up. I don't perform well under pressure."

B-3OAM: "It talks?!"

McR2: "Beep Beep." (Hey, we've got a walking carpet that talks. Anything's possible.)

B-3OAM: "And what's with that black line around it? I mean it just looks daft. And the even dafter thing is that by talking about it we're simply drawing attention to it."

McR2: "Beep Beep." (Shut up.)

*Wolfy swaggers towards his prey, who both cower backwards in fear. Wolfy lunges forward to snatch MaDaventor in his jaws, when suddenly, he stops...*

Wolfy: "Eurgh. You expect me to eat that? He's covered in sand for a start, that stuff is too gritty and wears away my teeth. And look! He's got armour on! I mean hard with a liquid centre fine, but armour has this disgusting after taste. And by the smell of it he's not washed in the last month."

MaDaventor: "Hey!"

Bib Gebohq: "You just can't get the staff these days."

*Wolfy turn his attentions to Chris. With one swift movement he darts forwards and encloses his jaws around the young editor*

Everyone: "Gasp!"

Slug: "What?! But that means I'll have to pay up those bets..."

*Wolfy starts coughing and spluttering, before finally unceremoniously ejecting Chris from his mouth*

Wolfy: "*cough* Bloody....*cough*...70s haircut...*cough*...the hair...*cough*...got caught in my throat...*cough*"

*As Wolfy stagger around his pit trying to get rid of a hairball, Chris runs to the exit, only to find it closed. Wolfy picks himself up, and makes his way toward Chris.
Desperately, Chris looks wildly around for a glimmer of hope. He spots a bone on the sandy floor, and tries to picks it up. It seems to weigh almost nothing. Turning it over in his hands, he watches it appear and then disappear, as if by magic*

Chris: "Wow, this thing only exists in 2 dimensions. How very odd."

Wolfy: "GNARL!"

Chris: "uhoh."

*Chris spies a rock on the ground. He grabs it, and hurls it with all his might at the door release switch. It misses by a mile. However, it smashes into the forehead of the onrushing Wolfy, who tilts backwards, and lies still*

A big fat bloke with breasts runs in and cries at the dead Wolfy...

DAVE: ARGH! Bring me Burrie and the Wookiee, they will pay for this outrage...

Burrie and Chewie are dragged out...

CHRIS: Burrie!

BURRIE: Chris! Together again, huh?

CHRIS: Wouldn't miss it...

BURRIE: How are we doing?

CHRIS: Same as usual!

BURRIE: Well considering that we've survived two movies so far, that's gotta be good...

CHRIS: Where's Matthew?

MATTHEW: I'm here...

Chris looks over at the naked Matthew lying next to Dave...

CHRIS: Arghh! No, it's horrible... get it away...

BURRIE: What?

CHRIS: Matthew has no clothes on...

BURRIE: ARGHH!!! Thank the JED that I am blind...

DAVE: You will be taken to the Pit of Canyon Oasis Mod...

CHRIS: Just hurry up and take me there, so I don't have that... naked whale... lying in front of me... arghh... it burns my eyes... arghh...

DAVE: Anyway, we will feed you to the almighty Sarfrag where you will digest over a thousand years, yes...

3OAM: Oh goody!

Cue scene with Sandpit and carboard boxes "flying" over sandpit..

Han, Chewie, Luke, CGuy (in diguise) and a few Weequay guards are standing on the small cardboard box...

Matthew is lying with Dave in the ship, Matthew watches outside with great concern...

DAVE: Soon, you will learn to appreciate me...

MATTHEW: Why would I want you? You're all fat and ugly....

3OAM walks around and sees a droid cocktail waitress wearing makeup...

3OAM: CORRRR!!!!

He walks up to her...

3OAM: Why hello little lady, what's a fragile li'l doll like you doing in a place like this?

MCR2: Piss off will you, you dirty old sod...

3OAM: Argh! It's you....

3OAM runs in the toilet and is violently sick...

McR2 goes to the top of the ship...

They soon stop at a big hole in the ground with a couple of hoses sticking out of it...

3OAM: I hope you die honourably, yes...

3OAM reaches for some popcorn and takes a seat...

3OAM: What a great view...

BURRIE: 3OAM! You'll get no such pleasure from us...

DAVE: Hahaha, lower them in..

Chris bravely goes forward... he signals to McR2...

Several thoughts are crossing McR2's little droid mind...

"Do I really wanna save this freak?"

"If I don't save him, I'll be a cocktail waitress forever..."

"Did 3OAM really mean what he said to me?"

"If I save him, I might get money... and women..."

"Hmm... the women might be fat and ugly... like Matthew..."

"But then again.. I will have to serve Matthew and Dave for the rest of my droid life..."

Chris is getting impatient...

MCR2: Fine, have it your way...

Chris' cleaving tool fires out of McR2's head, Chris jumps and catches it...

Cguy: "Great catch kid! What now?"

Chris: "Er...I didn't think I'd get this far."

*Chris looks up to see a guard charge at him. With a flick of his wrist, he slices the guard in half. Cguy sweeps up the fallen guard's blaster, and begins firing at the other skiff.
On the Sail Barge, Dave screams orders, and his minions scurry around.
On board the skiff, Chris knocks the final guard into the Pit of Canyon Oasis Mods, and begins to untie Chewbubba's bonds.
With a tremendous thud, the skiff rocks as a bolt from the Sail Barge blaster smashes into it. In the confusion, Cguy is thrown from the skiff, and dangles from it by a swifty-caught (and handily-placed) rope.*

Cguy: "Argh! Gimme a hand guys!"

Burrie: "Why should we? You betrayed us and stuff."

Cguy: "You nicked my ship."

Burrie: "Fair enough."

*On the Sail Barge, Boba Ramen activates his jet pack....*

Puckas: "Cut!"

*Someone in Ramen's armour (albiet in a rather larger size) runs onto the set*

Puckas: "Action!"

*Jedi_Bubbba_Fett shakily flies through the air*

JBF: "ARGH! Get me down from here! I don't like heights!"

*With a crash, JBF lands on Chris' skiff, and pulls out his blaster. With lightning quick reflexes Chris swings his cleaving tool and chops JBF's gun in half.
With another ear-shattering explosion, the skiff jolts as yet anotherlaser bolt hits it.
The explosion knocks Chris off-balance, and with this opening, JBF fires a thin rope at the young JED-i, binding his arms to his side. Blocking a hail of fire, Chris manages to clice through the rope with his cleaving tool, and he shrugs himself free.
Another blast from the Barge gun knocks JBF unconscious, and causes Cguy to slip further towards the heart of the pit. Chris looks up to the the other skiff pull closer, to allow its occupants to fire upon the heroes. Bracing himself, Chris leaps the gap, and then, in a very un-JED-i like gesture, unmercilously slaughters them all.
On board the first skiff, Han is trying to lower a spear down for Cguy to grab.*

Chewie: "Watch out!"

Han: (leaping to his feet) "What?"

*Han swings around to face Chewie, and in doing so, knocks into JBF, and causes the bounty hunter's jet pack to actuvate.*

JBF: "oooooohhhhhhhhhbbbbbbbbbuuuuuuuuuggggggeeerrrrrr

*The bounty hunter flies from the skiff, and falls into the gaping maw of the mods...*

JBF: "Nooooooooo.......The concs.....it's all...concs......"

*The Bounty hunter's final words are cut off as he drops down into the pit.*

*Inside the sail barge, Dave's attention is solely focused on the action. With out of character speed of thought, Matthew throws a chain round Dave's neck, and chokes the Hutt to death.*

Matthew: "Call me fat will he? Bloody men, they're all the same."

*On board the skiff, Burrie keeps trying to pull Cguy up.*

Cguy: "Lower!"

Burrie: "Shut up. You're sounding like Chris, all this bloody whining."

Cguy: "Oh sorry. I didn't know trying to save my own *** was whining."

*With a final surge, Burrie manages to lower the spear so that Cguy can grab it. However, just as he does, a tentacle grabs Cguy's leg.*

Cguy: "HELP!"

Burrie: "Chewie, give me a gun."

Cguy: "What?! I thought you were blind!"

Burrie: "Nah, I can see much better now."

*Burrie levels the gun and squeezes the trigger. The laser bolt hits the tentacle, which retracts.*

Burrie: "Damn, I missed..."

*Cguy is pulled onto the skiff*

*While this is happening, Chris has managed to clamber aboard the Sail Barge and laid waste to most of its occupants.
Inside, Matthew grabs a passing droid.*

Matthew: "Cut this chain, or I'll kiss you."

McR2: "Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo."

*McR2 hurridly cuts the chain and the both quickly run off. On the way, they pass B-3OAM, who is getting his eyes pecked out by a wee furry creature called Cave_Demon.*

B-3OAM: "Help! My bloody eyes!"

McR2: "Beep Beep." (Haha.)

B-3OAM: "Gimme a hand, and I'll make it worth your while."

McR2: "Beep Beep." (10,000. All in advance.)

B-3OAM: "Does it look like I've got cash on me? I'll give you 15,000 once we get back home."

McR2: "Beep." (Done.)

*McR2 zaps the annoying thing, and it leaps off B-3OAM in pain.*

*Matthew and the droids reach the top deck.*

Chris: "Point the gun at the deck!"

*Matthew does so*

Chris: "Great, I'm off..."

*Chris grabs a rope and starts to swing, kicking on the gun as he does so. Unfortunately for him, Matthew manages to grab ahold of him.*

B-3OAM: "Oi! What about us?"

*McR2 shoves B-3OAM off the Barge.*

McR2: "Beep Beep." (Haha.)

*An explosion on the barge causes McR2 to fall off.*

Chris: "Let's go. And forget the droids."

*Unfortunately, Burrie's hearing has been slightly affected by the freezing process, and he activates the magnet and pulls both dorids up.*

posting in progress, please don't add anything (yet)

Piggott i'm going to kill you! well to hell with it, i've written all this so i'm damn well gonna post it!!!

Shot of the Han mobile and Chris's x-wing heading away from Taccooine. They split up.

Burrie- Hey Chris, Thanks for coming after me.

Chris- Forget the appreciation! where the hells that fiver you owe me.

Burrie- Sorry Chris i didn't quite catch that

Chewbubba- Yes you did he said...

Burrie- SHUT UP! Look Chris we'll errr sort it out back at the fleet

Matthew- Hurry the entire TACC alliance should be assembled by now.

Chris- Any particular reason for that?

Matthew- OH yeah! we forgot to tell you. Massassi is building a new even deadlier level pack and we're massing the fleet to attack it.

Chris- WHAT??? and this just slipped your mind did it?

Matthew- Kinda. Well see you soon.

<the ships fly off>

McR2- beep beep beeeeeeep!!!! (WE'RE GOING WHERE!!!)

Chris- That's right McR2 we're going to the dagobah system. I've a promise to keep to an old friend...

McR2- old friend? you've only known earlda for less then a year!

Chris- No Cobi-dan -whatshisnamebanananananananose

McR2- you only knew HIM for about 2 days!

Chris- shut up and plot the course!!!!

<switch to the Level pack Thousands of fighters fly past in a special effects marvel of unprecidented magnificence (we've been saving the special effects budget for this and the battle of Endor)>
<Cut to a plush hanger, a shuttle has landed and imperial guards are disembarking. THe hanger is filled with the same cardboard cutouts that were there earlier in the film as noone could be bothered to move them. Darth ****** and Moff Archamedes kneel in front of the shuttles gangplank. Slowly the wizzened decaying Emperor Brian walks down the ramp.

Brian: rise my friend
<Darth ****** gets up>
Darth ******: The Death Pack WILL be completed on Schedule.

Brian: YOu have done well lord ******. And now i sense you wish to continue your search for young Swinewalker.

******: Yes my Master. oh and it's swanwalker

Brian: Irrelevant. Soon he will seek you out and when he does you must bring him before me.

******: Can't i just kill him?

Brian: He has grown strong. Only together can we turn him to the multiplayer side of the JED.

******: I still think that's a REALLY bad idea.

Brian: Everything is proceding exactly as i have forseen.

******: Really?

Brian: oh yes. for instance I knew you were going to say that.

******: ok what am i going to say next?

Brian: That's amazing. Twice.

****** That's amazing? why would i...... WOW! that's amazing!

Indeed now let's go check out my evil looking throne room.

Moff Archamedes: errr can i get up now?...

Cue couple of small carboard boxes flying away from basketball.

CHRIS: I'll meet you back at the fleet...

MATTHEW: Take your time, yes..

CHRIS: OK...

MCR2: So, Elvis, where are we going?

CHRIS: To visit an old friend...

MCR2: Not that Earlda freak? He'll just make you run more errands for him...

CHRIS: Hey, I have to complete my JED-i training...

On *insert level name here*:

Chris walks into Earlda's crappy little house

Earlda is on a life support machine and there's a nurse...

CHRIS: This is a bit over-dramatic, oi, *****... leave...

Chris pushes the nurse out of the front door. He then goes and pulls the cord out of the life support machine...

EARLDA: Arghhh... no... I'm gonna die...

CHRIS: Oi, no you're not, you gotta complete my training...

EARLDA: You don't need no training...

PUCKAS: Psst. Use the accent...

EALDA: Theoire beoi anoother Swanwaoilkoier....

Earlda dies...

CHRIS: Another?

Chris goes outside, completely baffled...

CHill's ghost appears...

CHILL: Earlda will always be with you...

CHRIS: Cobi-Dan... I have a bone to pick with you, you told me that ****** killed my father...

CHILL: So...

CHRIS: You lied to me...

CHILL: Did I?

CHRIS: Yes, he IS my father...

CHILL: Oh.. oh yeah... you're right, my memory isn't what it used to be...

CHRIS: Silly old fool. Anyway, who's this other "Swanwalker"?

CHILL: Oh, your mother...

CHRIS: But I have no mother, I was a test-tube baby...

CHILL: To protect you from her hideous face, you were hidden from your mother when you were born, she remains safely anonymous...

CHRIS: Oh GOD, no! No...

CHILL: What?

CHRIS: No, please tell me it's not true... Matthew is... my MOTHER!?!?!

CHILL: Your insight serves you well...

Chris runs around screaming pulling his hair out

CHILL: Ahh.. that's better, that haircut was sooo 1977....

*Chris, now with substansially less hair, flops to the ground at Cobi-Dan's feet*

Chris: "Why?! For the love of the Force why me?!"

Cobi-Dan: "Hahahaha."

Chris: "What are you laughing at? You're dead. You shouldn't have anything to laugh about."

Cobi-Dan: "I may be dead, but I can still make jokes."

*Chris thinks about this.*

Chris: "You mean..."

Cobi-Dan: "Yes."

Chris: "So then..."

Cobi-Dan: "Yes."

Chris: "WooHoo! So who is my mother?"

Cobi-Dan: "Someone who looks extraordinarily like Matthew, but is in fact a different person. It's all explained in the prequels."

Chris: "Damn. So what about my dad?"

Cobi-Dan: "His real name is Justin-01. When I first met him, he was a whiney little brat, who seemed to have a huge amount of luck. I wasn't going to train him, but then I promised this old bloke I would. I was just a bad teacher really."

Chris: "Yeah, but he's still a good guy. Underneath the armour. And the electronics. And the skin. And all the Multiplayer energy stuff."

Cobi-Dan: "He's more machine now than man. Twisted and evil. Like he was before really. Oh, one other thing, you've got to kill him. No biggie."

Chris: "I can't kill my father!"

Cobi-Dan: "Then Brian has already won. You were our last hope. You've just doomed the galaxy to eternal darkness. I bet you feel bad."

Chris: "What about the other Earlda spoke of? Can't they do it?"

Cobi-Dan: "The other he spoke of was your twin sister."

Chris: "Let me guess...This time it's Matthew?"

Cobi-Dan: "Right. Unlucky."

Chris: "So I've got to save the galaxy huh? I guess that makes me pretty special."

Cobi-Dan: "Don't get cocky. Little twerp."

*Cut to the Rebel flagship, where most of the TACCers are gathered.
Three high-ranking TACCers enter as take up their postions on the podium; Mon Ryana, General Madryan and Admiral Ryanbar.
Lando also enters, and takes a seat next to Burrie.*

Burrie: "A general?! You? What's up with that?"

Cguy: "Someone must have told them about my little manouver at the Battle of Velgoth."

Burrie: "Don't look at me. I hate your guts."

Cguy: "Well I'm surprised they didn't ask you to do it. You kiss enough ***."

Burrie: "Who says they didn't? But I ain't crazy."

*Mon Ryana signals for attention.*

Mon Ryana: "Brian has made a critical error and the time for our attack has come. By moving the forums, they will be unprepared for our assault. The data brought to us by the -ite spies pinpoints the exact location of Brian'snew Level Pack. We also know that the. With the Massassi forces spread throughout the community in a vain effort to wipe us out, it is relatively unprotected. But most important of all, we've learned that Brian himself is personally overseeing the final stages of the construction of this Level Pack. So we can nail the punk right now. Many -ites died to bring us this information. Well not really. One suffered mild burns. Admiral Ryanbar."

Admiral Ryanbar: "Thank you Mon Ryana."

General Madryan: "No problem."

Admiral Ryanbar: "Not you. Mon Ryana."

General Madryan: "Sorry Ryan."

Mon Ryana: "Sorry for what?"

Admiral Ryanbar: "No, he's talking to me. Not you Ryan."

General Madryan: "Huh?"

Admiral Ryanbar: "Look, I'll let General Antilles fill you in."

General Antilles: "The level pack is orbiting the forest moon of Jedi's High School. Although the weapon systems aren't working, it's still a pretty deadly contraption, with enough firepower to make an infinite concs hack look feeble.
Anyway, all we've got to do is blow up the shield generator on the moon, fly inside the pack, and Bob's your uncle, we've won the war.
General Calrissian has volunteered to lead the fighter attack. Fool."

Burrie: "Good luck. You're going to need it. Buddy."

General Antilles: "General Madrayn."

Mon Ryana: "Thank you General."

Admiral Ryanbar: "He meant me!"

General Madryan: "No, me!"

*All the Ryans engage in a fist fight*

General BSR: "Anyway, we've stolen a small imperial shuttle which will penetrate the shield, and land on the moon. A strike team will then blow up the generator."

Matthew: "Haha. What idiot took that job?"

General BSR: "General Burrie, is your team assembled?"

Burrie: "My strike team's ready, but I don't have a command crew for the shuttle."

Chewie: "I'll go."

Chris: "And me!"

Matthew: "And me!"

Burrie: "Oh no...."

Cut to TACC hangar...

Burrie is about to pilot the Lambda Class Massassian Cardboard Box to get by the deflector shield

CGUY: I mean it, I'm taking her..

BURRIE: No you're not!

CGUY: I need all the help I can get! She's the fastest ship in the fleet!

BURRIE: I won it off you fair and square...

CGUY: By cheating....

BURRIE: Bah, you're not taking it and that's that...

Burrie gets in the Massassian ship and looks out at the HanMobile...

MATTHEW: What's wrong?

BURRIE: I just got a funny feeling, that he's gonna defy me and take it anyway.... anyway, let's see what this piece of s**t can do...

The Massassian "Ship" takes off...

CGUY: Psst, the coast is clear...

A guy in a really cheap, dodgy alien costume comes along

NIEMAMBUB: Hey, you don't think anyone will notice that I played the Auntie in the first movie?

CGUY: Of course not, that's the whole point of the costume, that's why I have this moustache, to hide the fact that I played the MW equivalent of Biggs in the first movie...

NIEMAMBUB: Yeah, but Biggs had a tache too...

CGuy pauses for thought.

CGUY: Just get in the ship and shut up!

They get in and fly off...

Meanwhile a fleet of giant cardboard boxes are flying about the forest moon of Endor...

******: Where is that box going?

SLUG: Cardboard Box Tiberia, what is your cargo and destination?

BURRIE: Umm.. stuff for that... y'know... that.... place...

******: Do they have a code clearance?

SLUG: Umm... no they don't....

******: Let them get by and leave them to me...

SLUG: But their poor excuse and lack of clearance code are more than enough solid evidence to prove that they are a bunch of TACCers...

******: As I said, leave them to me, I will deal with them personally...

SLUG: What sort of bad guy are you? Always sticking to the script! That's why we always lose!

******: I would grip you, but it will be in violation of the script!


Shot of The cardboard box class shuttle being dropped into a patch of bracken. Cut to Chris, Burrie, Matthew, Chewbubba, B-3OAM, McR2 and assorted TACCers wandering through the woods not far from my house. <Authors note- These woods are about a mile long by 100-200 meters wide ie not massively big>

Chris: Wow! nothing but trees as far as the eye can see

Burrie: Well apart from those empty fields just behind us, and the main road you can see just down there. Then there's those houses an..

Matthew: Just pretend alright!

Chewbubba: Quiet! there's trouble up ahead.

at the bottom of a steep hill we can see a couple of massassians wondering about collecting chestnuts...

Matthew: Shall we go around

Chris: It'll take time

Burrie: This be all for nothing if they see us. Chewie and i'll handle this. You stay here.

Chris: Quietly! There could be more of them out there!

Burrie: Hey! It's me.

Chris: My point exactly.

Burrie and Chewbubba sneak down the Hill Suddenly one of the massassians notices Burrie

Threedee: You! you there! what are you doing?

Burie: I'm err i'm collecting ummmm holly yes that's it.

Threedee: You're lieing!!! You're after the chestnuts aren't you? Well they're ours! You hear me ours! <He turns to the other massassian> Go for help GO!

Chris: GREAT!

Burrie attacks threedee while Aglar leaps onto an authentic original 1984 speeder bike toy and speeds off. Chewbubba fires at the departing speeder and manages to hit the button on the back that makes it explode. It explodes. Meanwhile Burrie is failing miserably to dispatch the massassian.

Threedee: YOU'RE NOT GETTING THE CHESTNUTS!!!!

Burrie: For the love of god i DON'T WANT THEM!

Threedee: <Pauses a mo'> You really don't?

Burrie: NO! I'm just here to blow up your shield generator!

Threedee: Oh. Well in that case i'm sorry, i'll just leave you too it.

At this point Chris and Matthew come barreling into the fray In time to spot two other massassians on speeder bikes. They fly off. Chris jumps onto the spare speeder. A second later Matthew also jumps aboard. They fly off in pursuit.

Chris: Get off! you're too heavy, they're getting away!

Matthew: Rubbish

Chris Elbows Matthew who falls off the bike. Chris then quickly catches up to the other speeder however the pilot is so busy laughing at Matthews fall he flys into a tree. Meanwhile two other speeders who had been loitering round not doing very much show up and attack Chris.

Chris: You fools! you're hidiously outmatched here! i jammed the 'make the bike explode' button on my bike! you don't stand a chance!

They fire anyway. Sure enough the bike is suddenly invenerable Chris returns fire and one of the bikes blows up

Spiral: The Fiend! Right i'm gonna ram him!

He does this. Chris jumps and his bike hits a tree and explodes. Spiral loops round to finish him off. Chris Ignites his cleaving tool and trys to chop off part of Spirals speeder. He misses by miles. Spiral jets out of the forest and proptly get's run over by a lorry driving along the road that we're ignoring...

Chris: Heh that was easy!

Burrie: (Strolling casually up) Good work kid.

Chris: I thought you were miles away?

Burrie: In woods this size? get real.

Chris: Oh. well good news, i lost Matthew.

Burrie: BRILLIANT WORK.

Chewbubba: Umm there's a slight problem though.

Burrie: What's that?

Chewbubba: She's got the map.

Chris: Great! Well i guess we're gonna have to go find her...

*Matthew is lying still on the ground. A nearby bush russles. A white-hatted, blue head pokes out and looks quizically at the unconscious princess. Scurrying into the open, the smurf cocks his head to one side, as he wonders what this strange lump can be. Deciding violence is the best course of action, he starts poking Matthew with his spear*

Matthew: "Stop that you little runt!"

*The Smurf jumps back in fright*

Master Mage: "Look who's talking fatass."

Matthew: "It's this dress. It makes my bum look big."

Master Mage: (mumbling) "Anything would make that bum look big."

Matthew: "Huh?"

Master Mage: "Uh...I said I like to hum when I dig."

Matthew: "O...K....Anyway, I'm sort of lost, and I need your help."

Master Mage: "What's it worth?"

Matthew: "Uh...you can...er...Beta test my next level."

Master Mage: "What sort of incentive is that?"

Matthew: "Well ok, here's 50 bucks."

*Matthew take off her helmet and places in on the ground. Master Mage leaps up and points his spear menacingly at Matthew.*

Matthew: "What are you doing? It's just a hat."

Master Mage: "I know what a hat is you fool, but when you took it off the smell from your armpits was unbearable."

*A laser bolt smashes into the ground next to Matthew. She ducks down behind a fallen tree, and peers over the top. Nothing.
Another bolt explodes next to her, forcing her to take cover*

Gunboy: "Freeze! Come on, get up."

Matthew: "Bah."

*Another scout trooper emerges from the greenery*

Gunboy: "Get your ride and take this...thing...back to base."

Cave_Demon: "Yes sir."

*As soon as Cave_Demon turns his back, Master Mage stabs Gunboy in the leg, and Matthew thumps the trooper over the head with a log, picks up Gunboy's blaster, and takes down the second scout*

Master Mage: "Senseless, uncalled for violence. I like it."

Matthew: "Let's get out of here."

Master Mage: "Right. We'll go back to the smurf village and you can join us for a meal."

Matthew: "I'm honoured."

Master Mage: (to himself) "With the amount of meat on her, it should feed us for at least a week...."

*On board the Level Pack, Darth ****** enters Emperor Brian's throne room*

Emperor Brian: "What are you doing here? I thought I told you to stay on the command ship. Away from me."

Darth ******: "A small TACC force has penetrated the shield and landed on Jedi's High School."

Emperor Brian: "I know everything that goes on around here Juz. That's why I'm the boss."

Darth ******: "My son is with them."

Emperor Brian: "That Swanwalker prat? You're still after him? And what makes you so sure?"

Darth ******: "I have felt him."

Emperor Brian: "But I haven't. Who is the master around here?"

Darth ******: "*sigh* You my master."

Emperor Brian: "Good. Now that's settled, you can go to the moon and wait for him."

Darth ******: "But you just said..."

Emperor Brian: "Silence! You will wait for Swanwalker there."

Darth ******: "He will come to me?"

Emperor Brian: "I have forseen it. He will go to you, and you will take him to me. Laugh with me. Muwahahaha!"

Darth ******: "Muwahahaha!"

Meanwhile, Chewie, Burrie, Chris and the droids are aimlessly walking around the forest looking for Matthew...

CHRIS: Geeze, you wouldn't believe it would be so hard to find such a big woman...

CHEWIE: Oooh what's that?

Chewbubba walks up to a Science textbook hanging from a branch...

BURRIE: I don't get it, bah, it's just a boring textbook..

CHEWIE: Boring textbook? It is in actual fact the "Chicago Manual for Rotory Pivots adjoined at the Circumference of the Point of Invidence, Fourth edition"... no, wait... "Fifth Edition"...

Chewie goes to grab it....

BURRIE: No, Chewie, don't!

He pulls it and a net comes up and catches them all...

BURRIE: Great Chewie, yeah. Always thinking with your intellect!

CHEWIE: I don't mind staying in this net, it means good reading time...

CHRIS: Will you shut up and get us out of here, Burrie, can you reach my cleaving tool?

BURRIE: Yeah sure...

Burrie reaches across...

MCR2: Sod this, I'm gonna use my buzzsaw...

He starts cutting through the net...

3OAM: I don't think that's a good idea, I'll get hurt from that fall...

They all fall out the net...

BURRIE: Ouch... hey what's that?

CHRIS: Dunno, it sounds like.... singing!?!

SMURFS: Lalalalalala! Sing the Happy Song....

CHEWIE: Arghh! You're putting me off my book...

ABSOLVER: Wow, gee Papa Smurf Ryan... look at these weird looking creatures...

PAPA SMURF RYAN: Oh yes, should make for some good eating though...

Suddenly, 3OAM gets up...

3OAM: Arghh! My head...

PAPA SMURF RYAN: My God, what is that?

3OAM: Well actually, I am B-3OAM, droid sex symbol and movie star...

PAPA SMURF RYAN: Wow, really?!? Everyone, let's make him our new God...

ABSOLVER: Yeah...

All the smurfs start bowing down to him...

MCR2: You lying ****!

RYAN: Oh masterful one, what must we do with these other beings?

3OAM: Why don't you tie them up and carry them to your village? I'll take your throne and you guys can carry me back too....

At the camp...

The Smurf tribe are prancing around singing and setting up a giant barbeque, whilst everyone else apart from 3OAM are tied up...

3OAM is sitting in a cardboard throne eating fruit with smurfs fanning him...

BURRIE: I got a bad feeling about this...

3OAM: That's funny, I haven't....

Suddenly Matthew emerges, with a new haircut...

CHRIS: Matthew...

BURRIE: Oh no...

MATTHEW: But these are my friends...

BURRIE: Don't listen to her, we'd never associate with a person like that, we have a high reputation to maintain...

CHRIS: High reputation? What high reputation?

CHEWIE: This book is really good, guys..

BURRIE and CHRIS: Shut up!

CHRIS: Listen, if you blue little s**ts don't release us soon, I will use my Jed powers to pick up your God's throne and throw him out of this papier mache tree...

RYAN: You wouldn't dare...

CHRIS: Watch me....

Chris closes his eyes...

Nothing happens....

CHRIS: Wait, I can do this... wait....

Nothing still happens...

CHRIS: Oh to hell with it, if you don't release us, Matthew will sit on your God, therefore crushing him...

Matthew walks up to 3OAM, a giant shadow starts casting over him....

3OAM: Oh for the love of me... no!!!

RYAN: Release them hurry...

They are all cut loose...

McR2, completely pissed off, darts at 3OAM and starts shocking him with his lightning gun thing...

3OAM: Argh! Argh! Get off... that hurt, stop it!

Later that night, in some crappy treehouse, 3OAM is telling the story to the tribe about their adventures...

3OAM: So then I got out my cleaving tool and slashed the crap out of Darth ****** and he told me he was my father and creator, I told him to bugger off, and I cut his head off...

MCR2: You and your lying, you seriously piss me off sometimes!

3OAM: Lying? You weren't even there....

MCR2: Nor were you, remember? You had no legs and Chewbubba was carrying you around on his back as if you were some kind of cripple...

The whole tribe starts cracking up...

3OAM: How dare you! I'm supposed to be a God to these beings...

Burrie walks up to 3OAM...

BURRIE: Talk to them, try to get our weapons back...

3OAM: Why don't you do it? You speak English don't you?

BURRIE: Well, you see, I got a little company...

Burrie points to his leg, there's a Smurf hugging and kissing it...

3OAM: (in disgust) You are one sick individual...

BURRIE: Hey look, the only reason I'm doing this is to stop that fat ***** from constantly making eyes at me..

MATTHEW: Oh.... *sob*

Matthew walks out, for no apparent reason, Chris follows her...

CHRIS: Oi fatso, what's wrong?

MATTHEW: Why are you following me out here?

CHRIS: Well, you see.. I'm your...

MATTHEW: Do you remember your mother, your real mother?

CHRIS: Just a little bit, she died when I was knee high to a grasshopper...

MATTHEW: What do you remember?

CHRIS: Just images really, feelings...

MATTHEW: Tell me...

CHRIS: She was hideously ugly, fat, not in the least bit generous and completely content with her life... why are you asking me this?

MATTHEW: Well, you see, I am your... mother...

CHRIS: What? No you're not, you dotty old cow, you're my twin sister...

MATTHEW: How old are you?

CHRIS: 19...

MATTHEW: I'm 57.... how can we be twins?

A huge frown spreads across Chris' face as it illuminates a bright red...

He hears a ghostly s******ing coming from a bush...

CHRIS: Cobi-Dan!!! I'll get you!! You beardy old fart, you.... [I'm sure you didn't mean it like it was put but I'm editing this line all the same, sorry]

He pulls the bush out the way to see CHill and Earlda laughing..

CHRIS: You two are dead!!

EARLDA: Orr... tell me something Oi don't know...

They crack up again...

CHRIS: Arrghhh!!!

Chris runs off, once again pulling all his hair out..

*Matthew is crying at the whole ordeal... Burrie comes out..*

BURRIE: "Oi, what's wrong?"

MATTHEW: "Please, stay here with me..."

BURRIE: "No way, I'm off.. I got a new chick now..."

*Burrie walks off, Matthew completely breaks down into tears...*

CHRIS: "I give up with this, I surrender, I'm gonna take up Dad's offer and go rule the Massassi with him, anything to get away from these freaks!"

******* is standing in a mud puddle in a clearing next to a duck pond. Behind him, a hundred cardboard cutouts of Massassi troopers are standing on dry ground.
A Massassi IP-UC vehicle strides through a clearing a ways off, losing a leg in the process.
A Massassi officer staggers up with swanwalker. The officer looks at ******, burps and nonchalantly throws some kind of flask into the shrubs behind him.*

Smurf: "OW!

******: "What have I told you about drinking on the job? That's only water, not liquor!"

Chris: "Excuse me..."

******: "What do you want, you little... Oh, that's right. I'm supposed to hook you up w/ Bryan or something..."

[in order to save money, the set is divided into an inside and outside half. ****** and Chris walk over to the inside half]

*The officer hands chris's cleaving tool to ******. ****** takes it. All of a sudden it ignites, slicing ******'s hand off.*

******: "Damn! That's the third one this month!"

[using the merge command, ****** puts his hand back on properly]

******: "You have constructed another. It actually works."

Chris: "Yeah, yours sucked. I no longer use it."

Chris: "Come with me. We're short on spare parts. You will solve our problem."

******: "No, It's too late for me. Besides, bryan pays me."

******: "Bryan will show you the true nature of the Jed. You will thank me someday, Chris."

Chris: "Then my father is truy dead."

******: "No, it won't be for another few hours yet, but thank you for caring."

*Burrie, Matthew, Chewie, the droids, Master Mage the Smurf and Super C3P0 teh smurf peer over a ridge to survey the area.
They see a gigantic shield generator, with the facility patrolled by MT-STs and Massassians*

Matthew: "Well the main entrance is on the other side of that landing platform. The one surrounded by troops and guns and vehicles."

Burrie: "Relax, me and Chewie have got into places more heavily guarded than this."

Chewie: "No...No...I don't think we have. In fact, I seem to remember you chickened out of that Toprawa operation becuase of a couple of speeder scouts...."

Burrie: "Shut up."

*Master Mage and Super C3P0 start jabbering away in smurf talk*

Burrie: "Hey 3OAM, what are the two blue midgets on about?"

B-3OAM: "They say that there's a secret entrance over there somewhere."

Burrie: "Obviously very secret...."

*Cut to the TACC fleet*

Cguy: "That's it, all fighters accounted for. Let's go kick some Massassi butt!"

Admiral Ryanbar: "Proceed with the countdown..."

Niem Ambu: "Are you sure this isn't just some big Massassi trap?"

Cguy: "Relax, my frien...er...someone I know is down there. He'll get the shield down. Probably."

Admiral Ryanbar: "All ships: prepare for hyperspace on my mark..."

Cguy: "Stand by..."

Admiral Ryanbar: "Watch it Calrissian, this is my operation, I give the orders....Read, steady, go! Last one there's an -ite..."

*Back on the planet surface*

Burrie: "A back passage? Good idea. Hmmm, only a couple of guard too. Damn, that means there's no scope for senseless violence on a large scale..."

Matthew: "I'm sure you'll manage. And if they sound the alarm, we're done for."

Burrie: "Then I'll do it real quiet like..."

*The two smurfs have a speedy conversation, then one of them runs off towards the bunker*

B-3OAM: "Oh cra..."

Matthew: "Quiet!"

B-3OAM: "The annoying little blue thing has gone and done something rather stupid. Hopefully it'll die in the process..."

Matthew: "Oh no..."

*The smurf runs up to the troopers' speeder bikes, jumps on one, and speeds off into the wood*

Hoard: "Hey! Stop him!"

*Three Massassians rush to their bikes to pursue the smurf, one is left behind*

Matthew: "Only one left. Even you couldn't mess this up Burrie."

*Burrie sneaks up behind the Massassian, and taps him on the shoulder. The trooper spins round, and is greeted by the barrel of Burrie's blaster*

Burrie: "At least I can get a bit of needless violence in this scene."

*Burrie blows the trooper away*

Matthew: "There was no need for that, you could've just lead him into the trap we laid."

Burrie: "Yeah, but that wouldn't have been any fun..."

*The TACCers open the blast door, and march into the bunker...*

*Darth ****** and Chris Swanwalker enter Brian's throne room*

Emperor Brian: "Welcome young Swinewalker."

Chris: "Swanwalker. My name's Swanwalker."

Emperor Brian: "Justyn you fool! You brought the wrong person!"

Darth ******: *sigh* "No master, my name is Swanwalker, this is my son."

Emperor Brian: "I knew that. I was just...uh...testing you. You no longer need those."

*Brian makes a movement with his hand, and Chris' trousers fall down*

Emperor Brian: "Dammit. I'll try that again."

*Brian makes a different movement with his hand, and this time the binders on Chris' hands drop to the floor*

Emperor Brian: "Guards, leave us."

Darth ******: "Uh...boss...you don't have any guards. You killed them last week remember."

Emperor Brian: "Oh yeah. Oh well. (turns to Chris) I'm looking forward to completing your training. In time, you will call me Master."

Chris: "Don't count on it ugly. You won't convert me like you did my father. He was weak."

Darth ******: "Oi! That's no way to talk about your old man."

Emperor Brian: "You are mistaken my young JED-i, about a great many things..."

Darth ******: "His cleaving tool."

Emperor Brian: "Ah yes, an JED-i's weapon. Not as clumbsy or random as a blaster. Much like your father's. By now you must realise your father can never be turned. He is too deep in MP to go back now..."

Chris: "Not that it matters. I'll be dead soon, you along with me."

Emperor Brian: "You're talking about the measly attack by your pitiful fleet? I assure you, we're quite safe here."

Chris: "Your overconfidence is your weakness."

Emperor Brian: "Your faith in your friends is yours."

Chris: "They're not my friends. I just tag along so I can win battles and takes the glory."

Darth ******: "It's pointless to resist sonny."

Emperor Brian: "Everything that has happened has done so thanks to me. Your friends..."

Chris: "They're not my..."

Emperor Brian: "Comrades then, are walking into a trap. As is your TACC fleet. It was I who allowed them to know the location of the shield generator, and entire legion of my best troops await them!"

Chris: "Yes, and we all know how good your troops are..."

Emperor Brian: "Ha! Young fool. The deflector shield will be quite operational when your friends arrive..."

<Switch to the bunker control room. The doors abruptly burst open to reveal Burrie and co>

Burrie: All right. Up. Quickly quickly. Chewie.

Chewbubba: What?

Burrie: I dunno it just says your name in the script so...

Matthew: Burrie Hurry! Hey that rhymes. Neat. Burrie, hurry in a flurry to your curry in the slurry with your mate Murray...

Burrie: <Sarcastically> Yes beautiful... you should've been a poet.

Matthew: Really?

Burrie: oh quite definitely because if you were then it'd be highly unlikely you'd be here with us. Why do I have to hurry?

Matthew: oh that fleety thing of ours will be here any moment

Burrie: Charges! c'mon c'mon!

Highemperor: Ok that'll be £24.56 for lunch, another £62.27 expenses and £25356363476.97 traveling costs... <I'd just like to apologize to highemperor for giving him a joke of Christmas cracker badness...>

<Meanwhile outside we see 4 massassians, 2 of whom run inside the bunker>

B-3OAM: oh my they'll be captured! Then I’ll never get off this dump!

McR2: wuss...

Wuss: You called? And how come they'll ALL be captured? There are only 2 of them.

Mastermage: Shut it, you're not in this story (yet)... I'd better go and get some help or I’ll never be rid of you two...

<Switch back to the control room, an Massassian officer suddenly appears>

Grendal: Freeze!

<Burrie chucks a bag at him. He misses, hit's Highemperor and sends him hurtling to his doom>

Burrie: Oops! Oh well it's more humane this way, better to die quickly then to go on living with the shame of having cracked that charges joke...

<Meanwhile the room has filled with troopers>

Dugan: You rebel scum!

Matthew: umm actually we're TACCers.

Dugan: Really? Oops sorry wrong room, come on guys it must be next door...

<They run out. A few moments later another group run in>

Ctsketch: You TACCer scum!... Sorry we're a bit late... bit of confusion over the rooms...

Chewbubba: Clearly...

*Cut to space*

Cguy: "All wings report in..."

Cougar: "Red ten standing by."

Absolver: "Red seven standing by."

Rhettman: "Red six standing by."

Sno: "Red nine standing by."

Wedge Thompson: "Red two standing by."

Bubba: "Red eleven standing by."

Wedge Thompson: "There's something familiar about this scene..."

Cguy: "Lock S-foils in attack position..."

Admiral Ryanbar: "May the JED be with us..."

Niem Ambu: "Er...guys...something seems to be wrong..."

Cguy: "Quiet, this is my moment of glory."

Niem Ambu: "Fine, I won't bother to tell you that I can't get any reading on the shield."

Cguy: "Don't be stupid. We have to get a reading on the shield, up or down..."

Niem Ambu: "Yes. So they must be jamming us."

Cguy: "Quiet you, I make all the important decisions around here. (Into com) Admiral, they know we're coming, they're jamming us."

Admiral Ryanbar: "All craft pull up!"

*Cut to space. All the TACC ships veer away from the level pack. One crashes into it however to demonstrate that there is actually a shield there*

Cguy: "Hey look, there's some ships over there..."

Niem Ambu: "Yes. It's a trap."

Cguy: "I knew that."

*Hundreds of Massassi fighters fly over camera towards the TACC fleet*

Cguy: "Sod this, I'm out of here..."

Niem Ambu: "You can't. For one thing, this is the only chance we'll get to beat Massassi. And secondly, they've got those ships that prevent you from reaching hyperspace."

Cguy: "Damn. You think they'll let us defect?"

Niem Ambu: "No."

Cguy: "Bugger. We might have to actually fight..."

*Inside the throne room, Brian watched the action*

Emperor Brian: "Come boy. See for yourself."

*Chris looks out the window*

Chris: "Er...its a moon..."

Emperor Brian: *sigh* "Out this window you fool."

Chris: "Ah yes. Drat."

Emperor Brian: "From here you will watch the end of your insignificant rebellion. Muwahaha!"

*Chris' gaze shifts to his cleaving tool*

Emperor Brian: "Good...the hate is swelling in you now. Take your editor's weapon. Use it. I am unarmed. Frag with all of your hatred, and your journey to the MP side will be complete!"

Chris: "Yes, but what's in it for me?"

Emperor Brian: "What? Well...nothing really...you have to kill your dad then be my apprenctice until you die...uh...I mean...lots of power and stuff..."

Chris: "That's it? Sod that then."

Emperor Brian: "It is unavoidable, it is your destiny..."

On the surface, they're ushered outside, where there is a large crowd of specially-made smug-looking cardboard cut-outs. There's also a few real MT-STs for effect, and because Puckas wanted to show off how bloody big his special effects budget is.

B-3OAM- Bugger. Now we'll just have to sneak out of here and hope they never escape.

On the way to the shuttle, however, he trips and hits his CPU with a very large branch and gives a howl of pain that sounds just like the three-toed Mexican staring frog of southern Sri-Lanka, which happened to mean "quick, let's launch a suicidal attack on the Massassians" in Smurfspeak. At this, all the Smurfs pop out and begin throwing rocks and free AOL disks at the stormies.

Smurfs (Impaling troops on long, pointy sticks) : Lalalalalaa! Sing the happy song!


*Outside the shield generator bunker*

Burrie: “Chewie, get down here, it’s injured!”

Matthew: “It? “She” thank you very much.”

Burrie: “Was I talking about you?”

Chewie: “Sorry bud, even I can’t fix McR2.”

Burrie: “Damn. Well we need to get the bunker open somehow. Any ideas? Or better yet, any big weapons?”

Chewie: “It all depends on how you define the term “big”. For example, there’s the Killotron 4000, which is rather bulky in physical dimensions, but lacks somewhat in firepower when compared to something like the Paingiver 35.00 deluxe. Then of course there is the Megatron 2.0 Door-Destroyer Plus, which is, as I’m sure you are well aware, the single, most destructive appendage-held weapon on the open market, but if you look into less…reputable sources, you may find something more akin to the Atom-Splitter 2001 to be more to your liking....”

Burrie: “We've got those? Then let's blow this door!”

Chewie: “Have them-? Oh, sorry. I thought you just wanted me to name some that would suit the specified requirements…”

Burrie: “Lousy scholar Wookie. Wait a tick, I’ve just had an idea…”

*Meanwhile in the Emperor’s throne room, Chris Swanwalker and Darth ****** are engaged in a viscous cleaving tool battle.
Chris, his technique much improved from LCC, has the upper hand on the mechanized Sith Lord. Forcing the Dark lord back, with a stinging blow he knocks him down the steps*

Emperor Brian: “Good. Use your aggressive feelings, boy! Let the hate flow through you. Give yourself to the multiplayer side…”

*Chris throws a hateful look at the Emperor, remembers himself and changes it to a grimace, and then turns back to face Darth ******.
He switches off his cleaving tool, and regains his composure*

Darth ******: “Good, Cobi-Dan has taught you well. Not as good as Earlda though, or as well as master Brian. And not as good as I would’ve done. Come to think of it, he did a pretty shabby job. Hell, you can’t even kick or ban yet. Pretty feeble.”

Chris: “I will not fight you dad. It’s just not fair. You’re old and stuff, and seem to be short of breath. Face it, I’m much better at fighting than you.”

*Darth ****** walks up the stairs to Chris*

Darth ******: “Why you little….”

*Darth ****** ignites his cleaving tool and attacks Chris.
Chris, being the show off that he is, does a backwards somersaults onto a precariously hanging catwalk*

Chris: “Your thoughts betray you pops, I feel the good in you…the conflict…I feel the love of ToaM and the hate of Canyon Oasis Mods…”

Darth ******: “There is no conflict…”

Chris: “You couldn’t kill me before…”

Darth ******: “That’s because you jumped down the hole!”

Chris: “…And I don’t think you’ll do it now.”

Darth ******: “You underestimate the power of multiplayer!”

*Darth ****** chucks his cleaving tool, and by sheer luck manages to nick the catwalk support, causing it to crash down*

Emperor Brian: “w00t!”

*Outside, the battle rages. Capital ships explode into showers of spare parts, and star fighters dodge between debris and laser blasts*

Cguy: “Watch out. Squad at point 06.”

Niem Ambu: “What the hell does that mean?”

Cguy: “How should I know? It’s just the sort of random thing you say in the heat of battle.”

Wedge Thompson: “Good shot red 2.”

Cguy: “Like that for example. And Burrie sure is taking his sweet time about things…”

*On the forest (well…wood really) moon, Burrie is impersonating an MT-ST pilot*

Burrie: “It’s over commander, the TACCers have been kil…er...fragged…and are fleeing into the wood. So…uh…w00t…and send some reinforcements and stuff…1337…”

Blue Bot: “You look familiar…And nothing like any of the MT-ST pilots we have…And come to think of it, you don’t seem to know ‘1337 speek’ fluently…”

Burrie: “Sure I do….er….Rocks. Ors. See….”

Blue Bot: “j00 5uX0RZ!”

Burrie: “What? Er…you…I mean…joo rocksors.”

Blue Bot: “I see you are advanced in Massassi Speak. I’ll send the squads.”

*The Massassians rush out and are confronted by the MT-ST and some smurfs. Though why they don’t just shoot the annoying blue midgets and run away is rather strange. Burrie shrugs, as if to say: *

Burrie: “It was a piece of cake. Sometimes I amaze even myself, conquering an entire Massassi shield generator on my own.”

*Meanwhile, in the throne room…*

Darth ******: “You cannot hide forever Chris. For starters it's pretty small under here.”

Chris Swanwalker: “I will not fight you.”

Darth ******: “Give yourself to the multiplayer side. It is the only way you can save your friends. Yes your thoughts betray you. Your feelings of revulsion for them are strong. Especially for... Mother. So you have a mother! Cobi-Dan was wise to hide her from me…although in retrospect it does seem rather obvious...especially since I’m your father. Thank god you were a test tube baby...If you will not turn to the multiplayer side then perhaps I'll tell Matthew you're related!”

Chris Swanwalker: “Noooooooo!”

*He attacks Darth ****** in a series of frenzied strikes that leave him wide open to attack but the Dark Lord is just too startled to take advantage. The Dark Lord is forced further and further back towards the bottomless plot device at the far end of the throne room. As they finally draw close, Chris makes one final enraged slash that takes off ******’s hand: cleaving tool and all. It falls into the plot device, and Darth ****** flops to the ground*

Chris: “Ha! Revenge at last! See how YOU like getting your hand chopped off!”

Emperor Brian: “Muwhahahaha! GOOD! Straight out of a saber only deathmatch!
Now finish him, claim your first frag and take your fathers place at my side!”

*Chris ponders for a moment*

Chris: “Never! I'll never turn to the multiplayer side! You've failed your wrinkledness. I am an SP Editor, like my father before me!”

Emperor Brian: “Oh no you're not getting off THAT easily! Darth ******! Prepare the Drazen Isle experience!”

*Darth ****** remains on the floor writhing in agony*

Darth ******: “*groan* ahhhh*ouch*ggggnnnnnnhhhhhh”

Emperor Brian: *Sigh* “just can't get the [admin] staff these days...”

*Burrie runs out of the bunker and drops for cover in a small ditch. Moments later the shield generator blows up in an explosion so large it might as well of been a nuclear blast. Burrie and co, only about 20 meters or so from this blast, are strangely unhurt...*

Burrie: “Must be those new localised explosives or something I guess”

*Burrie gets up and a figure charging towards the now smoking bunker bumps right into him, almost sending the former smuggler sprawling*

Burrie: “Oof! Who the hell are you?”

Cougar Katarn: “I’m Cougar Katarn! I'm going to blow up the shield generator with a series of sequencer charges.”

Burrie: “Sorry, mate. I beat you to it.”

Cougar: “What? No way! That's my job! You can't muscle in on my turf like that!”

Burrie: “What are you gonna do now? I’ve already blown the place up. Are you going to kill me or something?”

Cougar: “I have half a mind to!”

*Burrie shoots him (Not fatally though, he’s still got “Dark Farces”, its sequel and the sequels add on pack to star in)*

*Switch to outer space. The battle still rages but for reasons that won’t be explained until Timothy Zahn comes along and writes an continuation to all this, the TACCers are starting to get the upper hand despite being outnumbered 10-1 and having had two of their most powerful ships blown up by the level pack*

Admiral Rybar: “The shield is down! All fighters commence attack on the death pack’s main reactor!”

Cguy: “Prove it.”

Admiral Rybar: “What?”

Cguy: “Well they were jamming our instruments earlier so how could you possibly know that the shield is down?”

Niem Ambu: “Umm Cguy, about half the moon below just blew up right where the shield generator was...”

Cguy: “That could just be a ruse!”

Niem Ambu: “The Massassian fleet is maneuvering to try and get between us and the death pack, so it must be vulnerable.”

Cguy: “Or poor fleet planning on their part...”

Niem Ambu: “And there’s a big neon sign of the death pack saying 'Warning the shield is down, all hands please panic and run round aimlessly like lemmings.”

Cguy: “What colour's the sign?”

Niem Ambu: “It's Red, but what difference does that make?!”

Admiral Rybar: “JUST ATTACK IT!”

Cguy: “But admiral the sign is red. If it was green...”

Admiral Rybar: “GO! Commander Wedge Thompson is halfway there already!”

Cguy: “WHAT? We can't let him have all the glory! Floor it!”

*Cut back to throne room*

Emperor Brian: “If you will not be turned... you will be destroyed. Hold on a sec…”

*The Emperor starts shuffling forwards and backwards on a piece of carpet*

Chris: “Umm what are you doing?”

Emperor Brian: “Just working up a little static...What am I doing indeed? I’m doing THIS!”

*Lightning flies from his fingertips and strikes Chris, who falls to the ground in agony*

Emperor Brian: “Young fool. Only now, at the end do you understand.”

*The Emperor shuffles a bit more, and another volley of lightning flashes out from his fingertips*

Emperor Brian: “Your feeble skills are no match for the power of the multiplayer side…”

*Zap*

Emperor Brian: “You have paid the price for you lack of vision!”

*ZAP*

Chris: “Daddy!”

*ZAP*

Chris: “Please!”

*ZAP*

Chris: “Remember Imperial Siege on Derra IV!”

*ZAP*

Chris: “Vol Kanst!”

*ZAP*

Chris: “Mt Kurek!”

*ZAP*

Chris: “Planet Sith! Wait, scratch that one.”

*ZAP*
*ZAP*
*ZAP*

*Chris is now pretty much out of it*

Emperor Brian: “You know, Planet Sith WAS pretty good...you know, at the time...especially for an SP level. It was a good practice ground for sharpening those fragging skills…”

Darth ******: “Are you insane?! Planet Sith was without a doubt the single worst gaming experience in the history of the time-space continuum. And now that I think of it, Mt. Kurek was pretty good….”

Emperor Brian: *shuffling like crazy, building up for a big finish* “Silence! It was an ancient engine, with terrible resolution. The enemies were sprites for godsake! AND no multiplayer mode! Now young Swinewalker, you will be fragged...”

Darth ******: *looking now pretty sullen* “It’s Swanwalker. Surely by now you would know.”

Emperor Brian: *Glares at Darth ******* “Ahem. And now young Swanwalker...”

Darth ******: “But look, DF was quite good, and well, so was JK...Mysteries of the Sith even moreso…”

Emperor Brian: “Only because it had multiplayer! LucasArts learned from their earlier mistake, and would not dare be deluded with a Singleplayer only game again. They realized how mulitplyaer rises above single player, and that it is the true power in the universe.”

Darth ******: “Yeah? Well then, explain Jedi Power Battles. Episode One - Pod Racer. Jar Jar Binks!”

Emperor Brian: “SHUT UP! And now young Swanwalker! You will.... Oh nuts he's gone. This is all your fault ******!”

Darth ******: “MY FAULT!? How the hell do you figure that?”

Emperor Brian: “Because I say so! And it’s hardly going to be my fault, I’m the boss around here, and if I say it’s your fault, then it is your bloody fault.”

Darth ******: “Just because my son was too strong for you, and because you failed to seduce him to the Dark Side, it’s no excuse to…”

Emperor Brian: “Slience! You will pay the ultimate price for your lack of loyalty!”

*He fires lightning at Juz, who collapses to the floor at Emperor Brian’s feet. Then, in one last act of defiance Darth ****** yanks at the piece of carpet the Emperor is standing on. He flies into the air and goes straight down the bottomless plot device*

Emperor Brian: “OK noowww II'mmmmm reeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaallllllllllllyyyyyyyyyyyyyy aaaaaannnnnooooooyyyyyyyyeeeeeeeeeddddddddd!”

*KABOOOOM*

*Suddenly the lift doors open and Chris steps back out*

Chris: “Just remembered! I forgot my cleaving tool”

Darth ******: “Gimme a lift off the station and I'll tell you where it is.”

Chris: “Err...well you're clearly about to die so I guess it'll be ok.”

Darth ******: “Good. It's over there.”

Chris: “Oh yeah. Right let's go. I hope you're not expecting me to carry you…”

*TACC fighters streak across the surface of the death pack, weaving in and out of towers, dodging defensive laser fire, taking pot shots at TIE fighter, and just generally just showing off*

Cguy: “Ok you can all rest easy now. I'm here.”

Wedge Thompson: “Dammit red group, I told you we shouldn't have hung around up here so long and given him chance to catch up...”

Admiral Rybar: “Red group. Hurry up and blow up that damned reactor, we’ve got a victory celebration to get drunk at!”

Wedge Thompson: “Ok, ok we're going, we're going....There it is!”

*The TACC fighters and the CguyMobile fly into a (conveniently star fighter sized) hole on the Level Pack’s surface. Several Massassian fighters give chase*

Cguy: “Now lock onto the strongest power source. It…err…is probably the main reactor.”

Wedge Thompson: “My, that inspires confidence!”

Cguy: “Shut up and fly! Oh…the…err…the tunnel forks here...which way do we go? Left or right? Quick Neim, tell me!”

Niem Ambu: “How the hell should I know?”

Cguy: “This just isn't fair…umm left...No right...Ah no! It forks again!”

Wedge Thompson: “We just lost Red 8. Split up and head back to the surface, and see if you can get a few of those TIE fighters to follow you.”

icon: “Copy Red leader.”

Cguy: “Umm…which way is the surface? Ahhhh! A crossroads! Why the hell isn't anywhere signposted?!”

Cguy: "Split up and head to the surface and see if you can get some of those TIE Fighters to follow you..."

Thompson: "Why me?"

Cguy: "So that I can go ahead and blow up the thingy in the middle and gain all the glory..."

Thompson: "What? Never! I was at the Battle of Schmavin, and that little fool Chris got all the glory that time, so why should you get all the glory now? It's my turn!"

Cguy: "Fine, then those TIE Fighters can follow us, kill us both, therefore saving the level pack..."

Thompson: "Why don't you go get the Fighters to follow you and I blow up the reactor..."

*Cguy puts his hands over his ears…*

Cguy: "Sorry, I can't hear you..."

Neim Ambu: “Er, how can you steer with your hands over your ears like that?”

*The CguyMobile spirals crazily, just misses being smashed against a huge pipe, and by pure chance manages pulls off a really complex twirl that allows the bloody overly wide ship to pass through a narrow gap without scrathing the paintwork*

Cguy: “How’s that for piloting?”

Neim Ambu: “Or lack of it, you’re a bloody idiot.”

Thompson: “Look, why don’t we just get those two behind us to go? They seem pretty dispensable.”

Absolver & Super C3P0: “Sir?”

Wedge Thompson: “Yeah, will you two buzz off down that other corridor like a good pair of suicidal maniacs…er…I mean chaps?”

Absolver & Super C3P0: “Yes sir.”

Cguy: "Now it's up to me to take all the glory..."

Wedge Thompson: “Me too.”

Niem Ambu: "Yes, and what about your trusty co-pilot?"

Cguy: "Who?"

Niem Ambu: "Me, you buffoon..."

Cguy: "Yeah, but you’re just a measly co pilot. Copilots never get all the glory. Just look at Chewie.”

*Suddenly, from a long tube in the ceiling of the tunnel, a dark mass falls…*

Cguy: “Get off I can't see a damn thing!”

Emperor Brian: “Not a chance. Take me back up to my throne room!”

Cguy: “What are we? A bloody taxi service now?”

Niem Ambu: “Try the wipers!”

*Cguy does, and the Emperor falls off, never to be seen again…*

Cguy: “Phew, it worked. Lucky for you Niem that I’m around.”

Niem Ambu: “Jerk…”

*The ships fly on, somewhat miraculously going in roughly the right direction...
Cut to space. Admiral Rybar sits about the bridge of the rebel flagship Home Scall gloating wildly as Massassian ships continue to blow up outside*

Admiral Rybar: “Oooo this is fun, now that big one! Target that big one, I wanna see that blow up!”

*TACC fighters strike at the golf balls attached to the top of the command section of the ship*

Morat: "Bugger! We lost our bridge deflector shield..."

Admiral Heeb: "Intensify the forward batteries. I don't want anything to get through. I'm a coward and I don't want to die, whoops... did I say that out loud? And didn't I say it was a mistake putting the shield generators somewhere THAT obvious? But did any one listen? Nooooo. It'll look much better with a couple of golf balls stuck on top they said...”

*Due to the pilot’s apparent inability to stay away from large explosions, a blazing, BoaM-wing fighter spins uncontrollably towards the bridge.
On the bridge, everyone is doing their normal running-around-stupidly-in-the-face-of-danger routine*

Heeb: "Mummy!"

*The fighter rams the bridge, and then suddenly, for no apparent reason, drops onto the death pack and blows up, leaving a fairly large hole on the pack...*

*All the TACCers "woo" and "yay" as they watch the Super Duper Fandabbadoozy Big Star Destroyer Type Thing crash into the Level Pack...*

Admiral Rybar: “Cool. Did you tape that? Good, rewind it, I want to see that again in super-slow-motion!”

*On board the Level Pack, Chris is dragging Darth ****** along a corridor*

Chris: "Why can't you walk you lazy sod?"

Darth ******: "I'm dying, how do you expect me to walk?"

Chris: "Oh look, there's the shuttle..."

Darth ******: “Chris…help me take...this mask off..."

Chris: "But you'll die..."

Darth ******: "No, it's not for life support, I just wear it because it looks cool..."

Chris: “Fine, fine. Hang on, I can't get it off.”

Darth ******: “You have to hit this switch here.”

Chris: “This one?”

Darth ******: “No! No! Not that one!”

*A small Massassi base on the outer-rim planet of “Vanilla” explodes*

Chris: “Whoops.”

Darth ******: “Look, it's this catch HERE...”

*He fumbles with the helmet a moment*

Chris: "Oh..."

*Chris takes the helmet off.…
And then the mask...
Beneath the mask is another helmet.
Chris takes that one off too.
There is a third helmet beneath that.*

Chris: “How many of these do you have, Dad?”

Darth ******: *Wheez* “Just one more, I think.”

*Behind the final mask is the whitened and somewhat small face of a wrinkly old bald man*

Chris: "Wow, you don’t look anything like James Earl Jones or David Prowse. You DO however, look like Uncle Fester from the Addams family,”

Darth ******: "Show some respect, I'm about to die..."

Chris: "Oh yeah...sorry...wait a sec...Die? I've got to save you..."

Darth ******: "You already have Chris, you were right, Mt Kurek was an excellent level... tell your mother... she was a cheap tart and I only shagged her because I was drunk..."

Chris: "I thought I was a test tube baby?"

Darth ******: "No, I only said that because I was ashamed of sleeping with Matthew...oh…oh…orrr..."

Chris: "Dad!"

*Darth ****** starts to close his eyes and moans more*

Chris: "I won't leave you..."

Darth ******: “No wait, I think I’m getting better…”

Chris: “I won't leave you, father! You're dying!”

Darth ******: “No I'm not!”

Chris: “I won't- I won't leave you- Okay, fine. If I must. I'll tell my mother you were right...”

Darth ******: “I'm not dying, godammit!”

Chris: "Oh, the trauma of it all, it's almost as if I can still hear his voice..."

Darth ******: "I'm not dead!!"

Chris: (to himself) "Now look Chris, you're not hearing that, you're just finding it hard to cope with your father's death...."

Darth ******: "Look..."

*Chris picks up a baseball bat that just so happens to be lying there…*

Chris: "I just have to prove to myself he’s gone…"

Darth ******: "No, wait!"

*Chris starts bashing Darth ****** with the baseball bat and kills him properly*

Chris: "See? He's dead..."

*He puts the mask and helmets back on Darth ****** and drags his body onto the 0wnz0r-Class Shuttle and flies off in the nick of time*

*Back to the deep interior of the Level Pack*

Cguy: “Great, another junction! Which way now?”

*Wedge flips a coin*

Wedge Thompson: “Left.”

Cguy: “Ok. Great! Now what? I don't believe it! A roundabout?!”

Wedge Thompson: “No you idiot, that's the reactor.”

Cguy: “Finally. Ok Wedge, go for the power regulator on the north tower.”

Wedge Thompson: “Copy gold leader. I'm already on my way out, and given your complete inability to navigate and lack of any sense of direction, I suggest you follow me...”

Cguy: “Copy that!”

*Guy and Wedge Thompson fly up towards the big reactor thing...They both shoot at it (both claiming later it was their blast that destroyed it).
Cut to Home Scall*

Admiral Rybar: “At last! It certainly took them long enough. Move the fleet away from the death pack.”

*Inside the Level Pack, Cguy and Wedge fly towards the exit with smug grins*

Cguy: "Is that it? No flames or explosions or anything? Sheesh, what a let-down.”

*Cguy rolls down a window and flicks out a cigarette end*

Wedge Thompson: “Noooooooooooooo!”

*KABOOM*

*Wedge and Cguy race towards the exit*

Wedge: “What about the other guys?”

Cguy: “Sod ‘em. Ok which way now?”

Niem Ambu: (holding a map) “Ummm…second on the left, straight on for half a mile then take a sharp right. Then straight on and we’re out. I think...”

Cguy: “You think?!”

Niem Ambu: “Shut up! You'll miss the turning!”

*Cguy, Niem Ambu and Wedge Thompson narrowly escape from Level Pack as it blows up*

Cguy: "Woo..."

Nienguy: “I hope you'll remember this the next time you question my map reading skills...”

Cguy: “Am I the only one to find it odd that the way out seemed to take virtually no time at all, yet the reactor was located in the center of the Level Pack, meaning it should have taken just as long to get as to go in.”

Niem Ambu: “Maybe there were just lots of bends going in. Or maybe because I actually did the navigating on the way back out…”

*A massive explosion is visible in the sky*

B-3OAM: “They did it! Can we get off this godforsaken rock now?”

Burrie: “Think Chris was on that thing?”

B-30AM: “We can but hope.”

Matthew: “You know, there's going to be an awful lot of debris hitting the atmosphere pretty soon.”

Burrie: “Well it'll burn up won't it?”

Chewbubba: “Actually, according to my calculations, approximately 64% of material from the death pack will survive atmospheric reentry and will strike the surface. Many of the fragments will weigh in at several hundred tonnes. I estimate this entire planet will be uninhabitable within 16 hours.”

Burrie: “Oops.”

Matthew: “The smurfs are all going to die?”

Chewbubba: “Yes and so will we. Oooo look! The first bits of material are hitting the atmosphere! This could prove a valuable source of research for my next paper…”

Matthew: "I hope Chris wasn't on that when it blew..."

Burrie: "Since when did you start caring?"

Matthew: "Well Chris... he's my little soldier..."

Burrie: "What?"

Matthew: "I'm his mother..."

Burrie: "Ick, this just gets weirder and weirder..."

*Later that night all the Smurfs are having a party*

Smurfs: "Lalalalalala! Sing the Happy Song..."

*Tom Jones is performing at the event*

*B-3OAM is also enjoying the festivities*

3OAM: "That’s quite a catchy tune…"

*Suddenly, Master Mage the Smurf comes up to 3OAM*

3OAM (drunk): "Hellooo...therere... you... *hic* wa…wanna drink?"

Master Mage: "I don't think so, we have some unfinished business..."

3OAM: "Whaha...?"

Master Mage: "Now!"

*A bunch of Smurfs jump out of the bushes tie and gag up 3OAM*

3OAM: "Argh! Argh! Get off... argh!"

Master Mage: “This’ll teach you for impersonating a deity!”

*Meanwhile, Burrie is having a conversation with someone very special...*

Burrie: "You know, I didn't like you at first, but come to think of it, whilst you have little sex appeal, and are rather fat, you aren't so bad after all. You’re a nice person, and that's what counts..."

Lady Smurf: "Aww... thank you, you big hunk... whaddya say we go upstairs and..."

Burrie: "Shag?"

*The Lady Smurf slaps Burrie...*

Smurf: "How dare you, I was gonna show you my stamp collection..."

*She stamps off...*

*Meanwhile, Chris lights a fire and cremates his father's body...*

* Cue emotional music *

Chris: "Good bye father...."

A tear falls from Chris' eyes....

*Suddenly a load of Smurfs carrying a gagged and tied 3OAM run along and throw 3OAM in the fire who is wriggling around like mad...*

3OAM: "Mmpf...hmpf…rmpf!"

Chris: "Hey! This is an emotional moment for me..."

Smurfs: "Burn! Burn! Burn!"

Chris: "You're screwing up my dad's funeral..."

*3OAM manages to roll off the funeral pyre, and with a little help from McR2, untie his binds. The two droids then grab the nearest smurf (named Cave_Demon as it happens) and throw him onto the flames in a fit of uncalled for violence*

Chris: "It’s my dad’s funeral pyre everyone, at least show some respect..."

*Cguy comes along...*

Cguy: "Respect? He was an evil Massassian person!"

Chris: “Not at the end!”

Cguy: “First of all, how are we supposed to know that, and secondly, he destroyed thousands of worlds. Chucking your boss down a hole doesn’t make up for that.”

Chris: "I'll show you..."

*The two get in a brawl*

Justin Swanwalker: "Stop that, Son..."

Chris: "Father?"

*The ghost of Justin Swanwalker is standing there along with Earlda, Cobi-Dan, Elvis Presley, John Lennon and Freddie Mercury. Chris smiles back at them all*

Matthew: "Hey everyone, let's all stand close to each other..."

Burrie: "Why would we do that? It’d mean being near you."

Matthew: "You know, so we can signify a happy ending to the movie..."

Cguy: "That's a good idea..."

McR2: "Yes, and while we're all happy, and standing together, we point at the smurf’s burning body and do a Nelson Muntz laugh..."

Earlda: "We'll join in too..."

Chris: "Sounds good to me..."

*All the TACCers, Ghosts, Smurfs and anyone else who happens to be passing point at Cave_Demon...*

Everyone: "Ha-ha!"

*Everyone starts dancing, and some singers take to the stage…*

Lennon: A one, a two, a one, two, three, four…”

Jones: Hit it!
It’s not unusual to rebel against someone;
When you’ve got a pack to blow to hell someone;
But when you steal those plans and run from that ****** guy;
It’s not unusual to see me cry!

Lennon:
Picture yourself in a pod on a planet;
With sandcrawler tracks and sadpeople stares.
Somebody waits for you at the moisture farm:
The guy with the 70’s hair!

SP-Destroyers appear in the sky, waiting to blow you away;
Hop in the ship with the Indy-Jones guy and you’re gone!

Mercury:
I see a little silhouetta of a level pack;
Massassi IV! Massassi IV! Will you join in the deathmatch?
H4[z0r2 and 1337d00dz, very very owning j00!

Lennon:
You say you want to be a JED-i;
Weeeell, you knooow, we all wanna feel the JED.
You say that your pop’s a dead guy;
Weeeell, you knooow, he isn’t really deeeaaaad.

So go to planet sith and freeze aliiiive,
Run off to cloud city and meet Cguy!
Cos’ we all know Massassi Wars;
Strikes Baaaack!
Massassi Wars;
Strikes Baaaack!

Jones: And we haven’t even finished the second movie, mates!
Go and meet with the little Irish dude;
Learn to use the JED like your father before you;
Have a vision and fight ****** at LCC;
And get your hand replaced before part III!

Mercury:
Cos’ it’s a killer MPPPPP;
Visit the palace of Dave the Hutt;
Meet his goons and kick their butts;
Fly off and escape the concs!

Lennon:
All we are saaaayyyiing;
Is, “Give SPPPP a chaaaance”.

Jones:
Another level pack and nobody’s surprised;
Have Mike fly off and shoot at it with Cguy!
Blow the generator up along with the smurfs;
Then- er, oh, bugger.

Mercury: What?

Jones: I can’t think of anything that rhymes with “Smurfs”.

Lennon: Not so easy, now is it? Let’s just go to the big finish.

Lennon, Mercury, Jones, and everybody else:
We’ll see you all in Episode I;
This thread was great, we all had fun;
Cos’ without readers to bring us success;
This thread would be another ANS!

Elvis: Did you guys start the song without me?

THE END







Credits

Luke – Chris Swanwalker (aka Chris Swan)
Han – Burrie
Mon Mothma/Admiral Ackbar/General Madine - Ryanma/Admiral Ryanbar/General Madryan (aka “Grand Admiral” Ryan)
Leia – Matthew
Chewie – Chewbubba
C-3P0 - B-3OAM (aka Anthony)
R2-D2 - Hamish McR2 (aka CookedHaggis)
Ben/Obi-Wan - CHill/Cobi-Dan Hilldewandokosserobibananaramanose (aka Chris Hill)
Emperor Palpatine - Emperor Brian (aka Brian, the head honcho at Massassi)
Darth Vader - Darth ******
Moff Jerjerrod – Moff Archimedes
Admiral Piett – Admiral Heeb (aka Hebedee)
Yoda – Earlda (aka Earl)
Boba Fett – Boba Ramen (aka Captain Ramen)
Mr. Ramen’s Stunt Double – Jedi_Bubba_Fatt
Wedge Antilles - Wedge Thompson (aka Michael Thompson)
Nien Nub - Niem Ambu (aka Emambu)
Jabba the Hutt – Dave the Hutt (aka David McHale)
Bib Fortuna – Bib Gebohq
Kyle Katarn – Cougar Katarn
The Rancor – Wolfy
John Lennon – Himself
Freddie Mercury – Himself
Elvis Presley – An Impersonator
Smurfs – Master Mage and Cave_Demon
Stormtroopers -


Puckas: “What the hell was that banging noise?”

Phoenix_9286 (aka Ian Sechle)r: “Er, there's a guy out in the parking lot waving a gun around. Says he's bitter about not getting a part.”

Muuurgh: “You bastards! Think you can just forget about me? This is far from over, Puckas! I'll sabotage "The Massassi Menace" if I have to!”

Jedi_Bubba_Fatt: “And what about me? I was promised the part of Boba Fett and all I got was a lousy stunt double job! Is this the thanks I get for promoting Massassi Wars at Jedi Nights?”

Hebedee: “Well what bout me? THREE times I posted news about Massassi Wars at Massassi, and I got a smaller part than both Archi and Juz!”

Puckas: “Wipe them out. All of them.”

Phoenix_9286: “What?”

Puckas: “Just make it look like an accident.”

Phoenix_9286: “Is that...legal?”

Puckas: “I will make it legal. I can do anything. I made Massassi Wars and that gives me power over life and death. Now go get me a cappuccino.”

Phoenix_9286: “Yessir.”

(Here comes the Oscar bit…)

A big thank you to…

My co-writers: Anthony Piggott, Chris Hill and Muuurgh, without whom Massassi Wars would never have been as funny (especially to Ant, since without him, Massassi Wars would never have existed). Massassi Wars publicist and long time “Haggis and Piggott Productions”™ fan (as well as Massassi Wars star): Burrie. Anyone who appeared in the Massassi Wars saga (none of you flooded my inbox with complaints. Which was nice). Founder of TACC, Grand Admiral and general good guy: Ryan. Hebedee and Archimedes for posting about it at Massassi and Jedi_Bubba_Fatt for posting about it at Jedi Nights. Brian, for making Massassi in the first place, and for not complaining about being cast as an evil emperor (Not that he’s actually read the story, but hopefully he won’t complain if he does :)), and finally you. Yes you. The readers. Thanks for reading this.



And remember…



Massassi Wars will return…

Due to popular demand (i.e. Everyone wants credit where credit’s due :)):

Massassi Wars Extended Cast list

Chris Swan - Chris Swanwalker
Burrie - Captain Burrie Solo
Matthew Pate - Princess Matthew of Harjassk
Chewbubba - Himself
Anthony Piggot - B-3OAM
CookedHaggis - McR2 DX
Chris Hill - Cobi Dan "CHill" Hilldewandokosserobibananaramanose
Brian - Emperor Brian
****** - Darth ****** (Justin Skywalker)
Hebedee – Captain/Admiral Heeb
Kedri - Grand Moff Kedri/Admiral Kedri
Archimedes - General Archi/Moff Archimedes
Cguy - Cguy Calrissian/Cguy Darklighter
Earl - Earlda
Michael Thompson - Wedge Thompson
Captain Ramen - Boba Ramen
Emambu - Aunt Emambu/Niem Ambu
David McHale - Dave the Hutt
Wolfy - Wolfy the Rancor/Prison Officer
Gebohq - Bib Gebohq
Muuurgh - Uncle Muuurgh/Hobby
Ryan - (Grand)Admiral Rynbar/General Ryankkan/Mon Ryanma/General Madryan/Papa Smurf
Antilles - Captain Antilles
Blujay - Stormtrooper
Slug – Stormtrooper/Gamorrean Guard
Mystic Jupiter - Stormtrooper
Lightstaff - Stormtrooper
Nature Paladin – Stormtrooper/MT-ST driver
Z@nardi - Stormtrooper
Avenger261 - Stormtrooper
BlackPanther - Stormtrooper
Dugan – Stormtrooper/Massassi Officer
Spork – Stormtrooper
Spiral – Scout Trooper
Gunboy – Scout Trooper
Hoard – Scout Trooper
Duo_Maxwell – Massassi Probe Trooper
Detritic-iQ - Junior Massassi Officer
Maxis Reed - TIE Pilot
Snooky – Masassi Bridge Officer
ThreeDee – Massassi Bridge Officer/Scout Trooper
Bug – Massassi Bridge Officer
Lt_Greywolf – Shuttle Pilot
Ping_Me – Communications Officer
Grendal – Massassi Officer
Blue Bot – Massassi Officer
BombShellRapture - TACC Squadron Leader/General BSR
Cougar - Cougar Katarn/Red Ten
Absolver - Red Seven/TACC Deck Officer/Smurf
Rhettman - Red Six
Bubba - Red Eleven/MT-ST driver
Matt Surman - Gold Leader
Bringdeath – Rogue Two
Ctsketch – TACC Junior Officer/Massassi Officer
CadetLee – TACC Ground Crew
Highempero – TACC Trooper
Talon Karrde - TACC Pilot
PageWizard – TACC Pilot
Super C3P0 – TACC Pilot
DAK – Dack
EvanC - Greedo
Master Mage - Bartender/Master Mage the Smurf
ZOOkies - Barfly
Sno - Boba Sno/Red nine
Jedi_Bubba_Fatt – Mr. Ramen’s stunt double
Sir Gerry – Wampa
Phoenix_9286 – Prison Droid
Taryn – Dave the Hutt’s Dancer
SavageX – Gamorrean Guard
Cave_Demon - Gamorrean Guard/Scout Trooper
MaDaventor - Gamorrean Guard
Tom Jones – Himself
John Lennon – Himself
Freddy Mercury – Himself
Elvis – Himself

Director – George Puckas
Director’s Assistant – Algar
Creator – Niall Henderson
Writers – CookedHaggis, Anthony Piggott, Chris Hill, Muuurgh
Additional Contributions – PageWizard, Silencer

[Note: This isn't quite complete due to the loss of half of Massassi Strikes Back]