I found this while looking through some old stuff the other day. I thought I'd post it for the old-timers who would remember it. Written by members of TACC and including members of that site and Massassi as characters. Posted exactly as it is written in the files I have.
Massassi Wars
Episode I:
The Massassi Menace
[A Note on the Budget: Due to sponsoring, this movie now has a larger budget than its predecessors, instead of cardboard ships, we will use MDF ships, we have also purchased a Sinclair ZX Spectrum, so now we can do some CG effects to]
Cast
Obi Wan - Cobi-Dan (Chris Hill)
Qui Gon - Mic-Tom Sonn (Michael Thompson)
Anakin - Justin (******)
Shmi – Rhemmi (Rhettman)
Queen Amidala – Queen Matthew
Darth Maul – Darth Heeb (Hebedee)
Darth Sidious - Darth Lozious
Senator Palpatine - Senator Brian
Nute Gunray – Archimedes
Daulty Dofine – Blujay
Padme - Mystic_Jupiter
Panaka – Emambu
Sio Bibble – Antilles
Chancellor Valorum – Ryan
Jar Jar - Kar Kar (Talon Karrde)
Boss Nass - Darth BosskNass (Darth Bossk)
Yoda - Earlda (Earl)
Mace Windu - Mace Bibbu Fatt (Jedi Bubba Fatt)
Sebulba - Sesluga (Slug)
Watto - Keddo (Kedri)
R2D2 - McR2 (CookedHaggis)
C3P0 - B-3OAM (Anthony Piggott)
Captain Tarpals – Captain Chewie
The little Fish - Cave_Demon
The big fish – Wolfy
A long time ago in a community far, far away...
Turmoil has engulfed the JK community. The placement of banner ads on hosted web sites is in dispute.
Hoping to resolve the matter with a blockade of deadly battleships, the greedy UGO Federation™ has stopped all shipping to the small planet of Sigma 51-A.
While the forums of the Community endlessly debates this alarming chain of events, Supreme Chancellor Bickhart has secretly dispatched two SP Editors, the guardians of peace, justice and sanity in the Community, to settle the conflict...
*A small, red star ship flies past, and heads towards one of the hundreds of battleships.
Inside, the small planet of Sigma 51-A fills the viewport*
Copilot: "Watch out!"
Captain EvanC: "Chancellor Bickhart said he was going to do something about that bloody flying yellow text everywhere..."
Mic Tom-Sonn: “Captain EvanC.”
EvanC: “Argh! I wish you bloody JED-i wouldn’t sneak up on people like that, I’m trying to fly this craft if you must know, and you attempting to give me a heart attack doesn’t help much.”
Mic Tom-Sonn: “You know, if you didn’t die soon anyway, I’d have half a mind to…”
EvanC: “Pardon?”
Mic Tom-Sonn: “Er…nothing. Just tell those UGO guys we wish to board at once.”
EvanC: “At once? Well what else would you do? I mean the whole point in this mission is for you to meet with both parties and sort this mess out. We weren’t going to land just so you could bum about on the ship for several days before getting the talks underway.”
Mic Tom-Sonn: “Just send the message.”
EvanC: “With all due respect (i.e. none), the ambassadors for Supreme Chancellor Bickhart wish to board immediately.”
Archimedes: “Yes, yes, of course...as you know, our blockade is perfectly
legal…according to Lord Lozious…and we'd be happy to receive the Ambassadors.”
*The ship lands, and the two “ambassadors” disembark and exit the hanger*
MikeC: “I am MikeC-14 at your service. This way please.”
*The “ambassadors” follow the droid into a plush meeting room*
MikeC: “We are honoured with your presence ambassadors. My masters will be with you shortly.”
*The droid turns and exits the room. The two “ambassadors” lower their hoods, revealing (surprise, surprise) the two JED-i*
Cobi-Dan: “I have a bad feeling about this.”
Mic Tom-Sonn: "Well then, take some Rennie™, for fast acting relief!"
Rhemmi: "Did someone call me?"
Mic Tom-Sonn: "No, go away, your bit isn't until later."
Cobi-Dan: “It’s not my stomach master, it’s something elsewhere…elusive…”
Mic Tom-Sonn: “Don’t centre on your anxieties Cobi-Dan. And don’t try and upstage me by pretending to feel something either. Young upstart.”
Cobi-Dan: “But Master Earlda said…”
Mic Tom-Sonn: “Master Earlda this, Master Earlda that. That’s all I ever hear! Can’t you stop bragging about him training you?”
Cobi-Dan: “Jerk…”
Mic Tom-Sonn: “What?”
Cobi-Dan: “Nothing…so how do you think the viceroys will deal with Chancellor Bickhart’s demands?”
Mic Tom-Sonn: “These UGO Federation types are cowards. The negotiations will be short.”
Cobi-Dan: “But that’s what you said about the Toprawa incident.”
Mic Tom-Sonn: “What Toprawa incident? I don’t recall any…”
Cobi-Dan: *sigh* “I was just trying to add some backstory, to just add a bit of depth. I can’t even do that right…”
*Meanwhile, on board the bridge*
Archimedes: “What?! What did you say?”
MikeC: “The ambassadors are SP editors I believe.”
Blujay: “I knew it! They are here to force a settlement!”
*Back in the meeting room*
Cobi-Dan: “What’s the stinkin’ hold up? I’m missing Eastenders for this.”
Mic Tom-Sonn: “I sense an unusual amount of fear for something as trivial as this ad banner dispute.”
Cobi-Dan: “Eh? When I said I sensed something before you just fobbed me off, but now when you sense something then there’s no question about it!”
*On the bridge*
Blujay: “This plan of yours has failed Lord Lozious, we dare not go in there against the JED-i.”
Darth Lozious: “Get this stunted slime out of my sight!”
*Blujay scuttles away, head bowed low*
Darth Lozious: “Bickhart should never have brought them into this. Kill them immediately.”
*Inside the ship*
EvanC: “That old guy was really getting on my nerves, he thinks he’s so damn important because he can lift up a couple of rocks and give lectures on “the living force”. I mean who cares? If I was a JED-i I wouldn’t use my powers for the good of the galaxy, I’d go out and grab myself a planet…”
Muuurgh: “He dies you know.”
EvanC: “What? Really?”
Muuurgh: “Yeah, it’s so obvious, just look at the originals, what does the old guy do? He pegs it after fighting the bad guy. A tenner says he does.”
EvanC: “You’re on.”
*A gun pops out of the hanger room and starts blasting at the ship*
EvanC: “The stinkin’, two faced UGO Federation will pay for this…”
*In the meeting room, a suspicious fog is starting to fill the room*
Mic Tom-Sonn: “Dioxine.”
Cobi-Dan: “Well no kriff Sherlock, I didn’t think they were exactly pumping in smoke for the sake of it.”
*Outside, a group of Massassians crowd around a hologram of Archimedes*
Archimedes: “They must be dead by now, destroy what’s left of them.”
*On the bridge, Blujay looks quizzically at Archimedes*
Blujay: “What the blazes are they doing there? We ordered Battle Droids.”
Archimedes: “I know, but they were far too expensive. Ad banners don’t pay as well as you’d think…”
*The meeting room doors open, and out steps…MikeC…*
MikeC: “Oh…excuse me…”
Aglar: “Blast it!”
Tallgeese: “Roger, roger.”
*The Massassians reduce the droid to a smoking pile of spare parts.
Just as the metal starts to solidify again, two beams of coloured light appear in amongst the acrid smoke*
Aglar: “Blast them!”
Storm: “Roger, roger.”
*The Massassians uselessly fire at the two points of light, each blast being easily blocked and sent back toward the shooters.
At some unseen and unheard signal, both JED-i leap from the room, their cleaving tools slicing through the Massassians’ armour with apparent ease*
*On the bridge, a viewscreen suddenly cuts to static*
Archimedes: “What is going on down there?”
Blujay: “Have you ever encountered an JED-i before sir?”
Archimedes: “Well no but I…seal off the bridge!”
Blujay: “That won’t be enough…”
Archimedes: “I want Massassians up here at once!”
Blujay: “That won’t be enough…”
Archimedes: “I want droidekas up here as well!”
Blujay: “That won’t be enough…”
Archimedes: “I want you to shut up.”
Blujay: “That won’t be…ah…I see…”
*The two JED-i charge down the corridor, cutting down Massassians as they go*
Cobi-Dan: “Watch this master!”
*Cobi-Dan raises his hand and send to Massassians flying backwards into a console*
Mic Tom-Sonn: “Is that some rubbish little trick Earlda taught you? I don’t need such show-off tactics…”
*Mic Tom-Sonn twirls, does a triple somersault over a Massassians head swings his cleaving tool around his head and finishes with a lethal downwards chop*
Cobi-Dan: “Dammit, they’ve closed the door. I guess we’ll just have to go home now.”
Mic Tom-Sonn: *sigh* “Haven’t I taught you anything?”
Cobi-Dan: “Well now that you mention it…”
*Mic Tom-Sonn thrusts his cleaving tool through the bridge doors, and starts to cut an entrance…*
Archimedes: “Close the blast doors! That will hold them…”
*Mic-Tom Sonn pauses for a moment to compose himself, before plunging the cleaving tool deep into the metal*
Blujay: “They are still coming through!”
Archimedes: “Where are my droidekas?!
”
*In the destroyer droid bay*
GuNbOy: “And so you see, I feel that the inner message of saga is not the higher concepts of truth and love, but that…*
*An alarm starts blaring*
GuNbOy: “Right lads, that’s us. Let’s KILL EM!!!”
*Three (very expensive) destroyer droids spin off towards the bridge*
*At the bridge, Cobi-Dan is casually hacking his way through half the UGO Federation’s army*
Cobi-Dan: “Master! Destroyers!”
*Mic-Tom Sonn turns to help Cobi-Dan battle this new threat*
Cobi-Dan: “They’ve got shield generators!”
Mic-Tom Sonn: “It’s a stand off. Let’s go.”
*The two JED-i speed off down a corridor.”
Archimedes: “See, they are no match for droidekas.”
Blujay: “They’ve gone up the ventilation shafts…”
*The two JED-i jump out the shaft and land behind some conveniently-placed boxes.
Mic-Tom Sonn peeks out and his face turns grave*
Mic-Tom Sonn: “Massassians. It’s an invasion army.”
Cobi-Dan: “But there’s only 10 of them!”
Mic-Tom Sonn: “There’s a budget to stick to. Anyway, we’ve got to warn the people of Sigma and contact Chancellor Bickhart. Stow aboard separate ships and meet down on the surface.”
Cobi-Dan: “Why separate ships? So that there’s a better chance of one of us making it?”
Mic-Tom Sonn: “No, you’re getting on my nerves…”
Massassi Wars
Episode I:
The Massassi Menace
[A Note on the Budget: Due to sponsoring, this movie now has a larger budget than its predecessors, instead of cardboard ships, we will use MDF ships, we have also purchased a Sinclair ZX Spectrum, so now we can do some CG effects to]
Cast
Obi Wan - Cobi-Dan (Chris Hill)
Qui Gon - Mic-Tom Sonn (Michael Thompson)
Anakin - Justin (******)
Shmi – Rhemmi (Rhettman)
Queen Amidala – Queen Matthew
Darth Maul – Darth Heeb (Hebedee)
Darth Sidious - Darth Lozious
Senator Palpatine - Senator Brian
Nute Gunray – Archimedes
Daulty Dofine – Blujay
Padme - Mystic_Jupiter
Panaka – Emambu
Sio Bibble – Antilles
Chancellor Valorum – Ryan
Jar Jar - Kar Kar (Talon Karrde)
Boss Nass - Darth BosskNass (Darth Bossk)
Yoda - Earlda (Earl)
Mace Windu - Mace Bibbu Fatt (Jedi Bubba Fatt)
Sebulba - Sesluga (Slug)
Watto - Keddo (Kedri)
R2D2 - McR2 (CookedHaggis)
C3P0 - B-3OAM (Anthony Piggott)
Captain Tarpals – Captain Chewie
The little Fish - Cave_Demon
The big fish – Wolfy
A long time ago in a community far, far away...
Turmoil has engulfed the JK community. The placement of banner ads on hosted web sites is in dispute.
Hoping to resolve the matter with a blockade of deadly battleships, the greedy UGO Federation™ has stopped all shipping to the small planet of Sigma 51-A.
While the forums of the Community endlessly debates this alarming chain of events, Supreme Chancellor Bickhart has secretly dispatched two SP Editors, the guardians of peace, justice and sanity in the Community, to settle the conflict...
*A small, red star ship flies past, and heads towards one of the hundreds of battleships.
Inside, the small planet of Sigma 51-A fills the viewport*
Copilot: "Watch out!"
Captain EvanC: "Chancellor Bickhart said he was going to do something about that bloody flying yellow text everywhere..."
Mic Tom-Sonn: “Captain EvanC.”
EvanC: “Argh! I wish you bloody JED-i wouldn’t sneak up on people like that, I’m trying to fly this craft if you must know, and you attempting to give me a heart attack doesn’t help much.”
Mic Tom-Sonn: “You know, if you didn’t die soon anyway, I’d have half a mind to…”
EvanC: “Pardon?”
Mic Tom-Sonn: “Er…nothing. Just tell those UGO guys we wish to board at once.”
EvanC: “At once? Well what else would you do? I mean the whole point in this mission is for you to meet with both parties and sort this mess out. We weren’t going to land just so you could bum about on the ship for several days before getting the talks underway.”
Mic Tom-Sonn: “Just send the message.”
EvanC: “With all due respect (i.e. none), the ambassadors for Supreme Chancellor Bickhart wish to board immediately.”
Archimedes: “Yes, yes, of course...as you know, our blockade is perfectly
legal…according to Lord Lozious…and we'd be happy to receive the Ambassadors.”
*The ship lands, and the two “ambassadors” disembark and exit the hanger*
MikeC: “I am MikeC-14 at your service. This way please.”
*The “ambassadors” follow the droid into a plush meeting room*
MikeC: “We are honoured with your presence ambassadors. My masters will be with you shortly.”
*The droid turns and exits the room. The two “ambassadors” lower their hoods, revealing (surprise, surprise) the two JED-i*
Cobi-Dan: “I have a bad feeling about this.”
Mic Tom-Sonn: "Well then, take some Rennie™, for fast acting relief!"
Rhemmi: "Did someone call me?"
Mic Tom-Sonn: "No, go away, your bit isn't until later."
Cobi-Dan: “It’s not my stomach master, it’s something elsewhere…elusive…”
Mic Tom-Sonn: “Don’t centre on your anxieties Cobi-Dan. And don’t try and upstage me by pretending to feel something either. Young upstart.”
Cobi-Dan: “But Master Earlda said…”
Mic Tom-Sonn: “Master Earlda this, Master Earlda that. That’s all I ever hear! Can’t you stop bragging about him training you?”
Cobi-Dan: “Jerk…”
Mic Tom-Sonn: “What?”
Cobi-Dan: “Nothing…so how do you think the viceroys will deal with Chancellor Bickhart’s demands?”
Mic Tom-Sonn: “These UGO Federation types are cowards. The negotiations will be short.”
Cobi-Dan: “But that’s what you said about the Toprawa incident.”
Mic Tom-Sonn: “What Toprawa incident? I don’t recall any…”
Cobi-Dan: *sigh* “I was just trying to add some backstory, to just add a bit of depth. I can’t even do that right…”
*Meanwhile, on board the bridge*
Archimedes: “What?! What did you say?”
MikeC: “The ambassadors are SP editors I believe.”
Blujay: “I knew it! They are here to force a settlement!”
*Back in the meeting room*
Cobi-Dan: “What’s the stinkin’ hold up? I’m missing Eastenders for this.”
Mic Tom-Sonn: “I sense an unusual amount of fear for something as trivial as this ad banner dispute.”
Cobi-Dan: “Eh? When I said I sensed something before you just fobbed me off, but now when you sense something then there’s no question about it!”
*On the bridge*
Blujay: “This plan of yours has failed Lord Lozious, we dare not go in there against the JED-i.”
Darth Lozious: “Get this stunted slime out of my sight!”
*Blujay scuttles away, head bowed low*
Darth Lozious: “Bickhart should never have brought them into this. Kill them immediately.”
*Inside the ship*
EvanC: “That old guy was really getting on my nerves, he thinks he’s so damn important because he can lift up a couple of rocks and give lectures on “the living force”. I mean who cares? If I was a JED-i I wouldn’t use my powers for the good of the galaxy, I’d go out and grab myself a planet…”
Muuurgh: “He dies you know.”
EvanC: “What? Really?”
Muuurgh: “Yeah, it’s so obvious, just look at the originals, what does the old guy do? He pegs it after fighting the bad guy. A tenner says he does.”
EvanC: “You’re on.”
*A gun pops out of the hanger room and starts blasting at the ship*
EvanC: “The stinkin’, two faced UGO Federation will pay for this…”
*In the meeting room, a suspicious fog is starting to fill the room*
Mic Tom-Sonn: “Dioxine.”
Cobi-Dan: “Well no kriff Sherlock, I didn’t think they were exactly pumping in smoke for the sake of it.”
*Outside, a group of Massassians crowd around a hologram of Archimedes*
Archimedes: “They must be dead by now, destroy what’s left of them.”
*On the bridge, Blujay looks quizzically at Archimedes*
Blujay: “What the blazes are they doing there? We ordered Battle Droids.”
Archimedes: “I know, but they were far too expensive. Ad banners don’t pay as well as you’d think…”
*The meeting room doors open, and out steps…MikeC…*
MikeC: “Oh…excuse me…”
Aglar: “Blast it!”
Tallgeese: “Roger, roger.”
*The Massassians reduce the droid to a smoking pile of spare parts.
Just as the metal starts to solidify again, two beams of coloured light appear in amongst the acrid smoke*
Aglar: “Blast them!”
Storm: “Roger, roger.”
*The Massassians uselessly fire at the two points of light, each blast being easily blocked and sent back toward the shooters.
At some unseen and unheard signal, both JED-i leap from the room, their cleaving tools slicing through the Massassians’ armour with apparent ease*
*On the bridge, a viewscreen suddenly cuts to static*
Archimedes: “What is going on down there?”
Blujay: “Have you ever encountered an JED-i before sir?”
Archimedes: “Well no but I…seal off the bridge!”
Blujay: “That won’t be enough…”
Archimedes: “I want Massassians up here at once!”
Blujay: “That won’t be enough…”
Archimedes: “I want droidekas up here as well!”
Blujay: “That won’t be enough…”
Archimedes: “I want you to shut up.”
Blujay: “That won’t be…ah…I see…”
*The two JED-i charge down the corridor, cutting down Massassians as they go*
Cobi-Dan: “Watch this master!”
*Cobi-Dan raises his hand and send to Massassians flying backwards into a console*
Mic Tom-Sonn: “Is that some rubbish little trick Earlda taught you? I don’t need such show-off tactics…”
*Mic Tom-Sonn twirls, does a triple somersault over a Massassians head swings his cleaving tool around his head and finishes with a lethal downwards chop*
Cobi-Dan: “Dammit, they’ve closed the door. I guess we’ll just have to go home now.”
Mic Tom-Sonn: *sigh* “Haven’t I taught you anything?”
Cobi-Dan: “Well now that you mention it…”
*Mic Tom-Sonn thrusts his cleaving tool through the bridge doors, and starts to cut an entrance…*
Archimedes: “Close the blast doors! That will hold them…”
*Mic-Tom Sonn pauses for a moment to compose himself, before plunging the cleaving tool deep into the metal*
Blujay: “They are still coming through!”
Archimedes: “Where are my droidekas?!
”
*In the destroyer droid bay*
GuNbOy: “And so you see, I feel that the inner message of saga is not the higher concepts of truth and love, but that…*
*An alarm starts blaring*
GuNbOy: “Right lads, that’s us. Let’s KILL EM!!!”
*Three (very expensive) destroyer droids spin off towards the bridge*
*At the bridge, Cobi-Dan is casually hacking his way through half the UGO Federation’s army*
Cobi-Dan: “Master! Destroyers!”
*Mic-Tom Sonn turns to help Cobi-Dan battle this new threat*
Cobi-Dan: “They’ve got shield generators!”
Mic-Tom Sonn: “It’s a stand off. Let’s go.”
*The two JED-i speed off down a corridor.”
Archimedes: “See, they are no match for droidekas.”
Blujay: “They’ve gone up the ventilation shafts…”
*The two JED-i jump out the shaft and land behind some conveniently-placed boxes.
Mic-Tom Sonn peeks out and his face turns grave*
Mic-Tom Sonn: “Massassians. It’s an invasion army.”
Cobi-Dan: “But there’s only 10 of them!”
Mic-Tom Sonn: “There’s a budget to stick to. Anyway, we’ve got to warn the people of Sigma and contact Chancellor Bickhart. Stow aboard separate ships and meet down on the surface.”
Cobi-Dan: “Why separate ships? So that there’s a better chance of one of us making it?”
Mic-Tom Sonn: “No, you’re getting on my nerves…”
Little angel go away
Come again some other day
Devil has my ear today
I'll never hear a word you say
Come again some other day
Devil has my ear today
I'll never hear a word you say