A Metal Fairytale
(an Internet meme)
Scenario:
The princess in the castle is trapped and guarded by a dragon.
Power Metal:
The protagonist arrives, riding a white unicorn, sneaks past the dragon, saves the princess and has sex with her in the magical forest.
Thrash Metal:
The protagonist arrives, fights the dragon and ****s the princess.
Heavy Metal:
The protagonist arrives on a Harley, kills the dragon, drinks a few beers and ****s the princess.
Folk Metal:
The protagonist arrives with a bunch of friends who are playing the flute, the violin and lots of other strange instruments. The dragon falls asleep, and they all leave without the princess.
Viking Metal:
The protagonist arrives in a Viking ship, and kills the dragon with a battle-axe. He skins the dragon and eats it, rapes the princess to death, loots anything of value he can find and burns the castle before he leaves.
Death Metal:
The protagonist arrives, kills the dragon, kills the princess and leaves.
Black Metal:
The protagonist comes at midnight, kills the dragon and crucifies it in front of the castle. Then he rapes the princess and drinks her blood, before crucifying her next to the dragon and being on his way.
Gore Metal:
The protagonist arives, kills the dragon and throws its guts around. ****s the princess and kills her. Then he ****s her again, cuts up her stomach and eats her entrails. He ****s her again, burns her, and ****s her once more for good measure.
Doom Metal:
The protagonist comes, sees the dragon and thinks: ”****… I’ll never be able to kill that thing.” He gets depressed and kills himself. The dragon eats the protagonist and the princess.
Love Metal:
The protagonist comes riding on a white horse singing ”daaaarling baaabyyy ohoooo”. The dragon already ran away in fear. He saves the princess and lights a fire, but then he dies of heart ache on the way home.
Progressive Metal:
The protagonist arrives and plays a 26 minute long guitar solo. The dragon kills itself out of boredom. The protagonist comes into the princess’ bedroom and plays another 26 minute solo. The princess runs off to look for the heavy metal protagonist.
Glam Metal:
The protagonist arrives, the dragon laughs his arse off because of the spandex and make-up and lets him pass. He steals all the princess’ make-up and tries to paint the castle pink with nail polish.
Nu Metal (Rap core, etc.):
The protagonist arrives in a car, fights the dragon, but sadly demises because his ridiculously large clothes catch fire.
(an Internet meme)
Scenario:
The princess in the castle is trapped and guarded by a dragon.
Power Metal:
The protagonist arrives, riding a white unicorn, sneaks past the dragon, saves the princess and has sex with her in the magical forest.
Thrash Metal:
The protagonist arrives, fights the dragon and ****s the princess.
Heavy Metal:
The protagonist arrives on a Harley, kills the dragon, drinks a few beers and ****s the princess.
Folk Metal:
The protagonist arrives with a bunch of friends who are playing the flute, the violin and lots of other strange instruments. The dragon falls asleep, and they all leave without the princess.
Viking Metal:
The protagonist arrives in a Viking ship, and kills the dragon with a battle-axe. He skins the dragon and eats it, rapes the princess to death, loots anything of value he can find and burns the castle before he leaves.
Death Metal:
The protagonist arrives, kills the dragon, kills the princess and leaves.
Black Metal:
The protagonist comes at midnight, kills the dragon and crucifies it in front of the castle. Then he rapes the princess and drinks her blood, before crucifying her next to the dragon and being on his way.
Gore Metal:
The protagonist arives, kills the dragon and throws its guts around. ****s the princess and kills her. Then he ****s her again, cuts up her stomach and eats her entrails. He ****s her again, burns her, and ****s her once more for good measure.
Doom Metal:
The protagonist comes, sees the dragon and thinks: ”****… I’ll never be able to kill that thing.” He gets depressed and kills himself. The dragon eats the protagonist and the princess.
Love Metal:
The protagonist comes riding on a white horse singing ”daaaarling baaabyyy ohoooo”. The dragon already ran away in fear. He saves the princess and lights a fire, but then he dies of heart ache on the way home.
Progressive Metal:
The protagonist arrives and plays a 26 minute long guitar solo. The dragon kills itself out of boredom. The protagonist comes into the princess’ bedroom and plays another 26 minute solo. The princess runs off to look for the heavy metal protagonist.
Glam Metal:
The protagonist arrives, the dragon laughs his arse off because of the spandex and make-up and lets him pass. He steals all the princess’ make-up and tries to paint the castle pink with nail polish.
Nu Metal (Rap core, etc.):
The protagonist arrives in a car, fights the dragon, but sadly demises because his ridiculously large clothes catch fire.
幻術
