Massassi Forums Logo

This is the static archive of the Massassi Forums. The forums are closed indefinitely. Thanks for all the memories!

You can also download Super Old Archived Message Boards from when Massassi first started.

"View" counts are as of the day the forums were archived, and will no longer increase.

ForumsShowcase → The Beginning of the end...
The Beginning of the end...
2003-07-23, 10:15 PM #1
“They say that within a child's mind, clarity is formed. The perils of mankind have not yet tainted their body and soul into selective and due process. Children can truly see what is, and don‘t dwell on what it will be. Because of this clarity, the Force is more attainable, and sometimes more controllable with simplicity, rather then complexities of the mind. Some of our strongest students have never aged a day, in body and mind.” - Sierra Taurus

Nyne Reken stepped silently through the woods of Katere-han. His long, chin-length hair bounced with each step, his long childish lashes tasted the air, then connected as if to swallow the night into his deep and glossy black eyes. The clip-clap of his home-made wooden sandals on the smoothed and polished walk-stones posed as one of the few sounds heard on the surface of the small, night-covered planet. Nyne’s long, deep blue robe changed shades and hues as the folds waved at the blessings of his limbs, the many lights of the shining moons added a double silhouette to the already magical figure.
As Reken moved further into the woods, the clarity of the world around him faded into a sea of mist and vapors. The air being denser here, Nyne discarded his blue shoulder-cloak and undid the top 3 knots in his robe, and loosened his undershirt collar. The article of clothing lay alone on the paved path, as if it had no worries that its owner would never returned, boldly trusting enough to float a few feet away from its original placement.
Nyne’s hand found reassurance back around the pummel of his wooden sword. It was a rare occurrence that he ever used it, but he’d grown so close to it, so attached, that it literally moved as one of his limbs. Nyne, from his 16 years of life, never could remember being without his training sword. He felt no need for a blade. As his mentor, Kanas-Tar had once said; “At least a fool with a wooden sword is only going to be able to knock himself out when he makes a mistake, had he been using a blade... he would have been a bloody-dead fool.”
Nyne missed master Kanas, but knew that Tar had served his life duties, and was now serving his after-life in ‘Madan Alur’ when poorly translated into a more common language; ‘Fever of the Mind.’ Kanas had been the only other Human Nyne had ever come in contact with. The only other intelligent creatures he’d ever had any interaction with were in his training holocrons.
Nyne took 3 steps up into the mist-blanketed monastery. Large pillars reached up into the sky with no particular practical reason in a mathematically relevant pattern. Nyne couldn’t even see his own sandaled feet, let alone the floor in this underbrush of moisture, but knew that the floor was coated with a thick blue moss. The white wash walls looked to be millions of years old, but polished to be new as the day before. Nyne worked all the begining of the night to keep the monistary and holy-gardens clean and flourished, and the other portion he spent worshiping, meditating, and training. It was the ways of his people. 1 K’sath to rule over, and protect the planet of Katere-han. When he reached the age of scars (56) he would seek out a woman to be his bride. The first son born to this bride is to be trained for the rest of the K’sath’s lifetime, and that boy is to be named the next K’sath of Katere-han. Until he seeks his wife, the K’sath should not seek human interaction. It had been the ways of Katere-han since... anyone could remember. The bloodline had never been broken.
Nyne shed all of his clothing except for a thigh-long loin, meant for the display of the body-runes. Long intricate designs ran up and down the most slender portions of Nyne’s body. The golden brown tattoos glittered in the moonlight, like gold in the sun. Now, in the roofless, white-washed walls his usually shadowed face shined with bouncing moonlight. His face, too, was painted with scared runes, deep into his flesh. From a distance, the small runes on his face could be mistaken for a pigment of skin, due to their size and color. The young man stepped to the basin of water, dipping his entire head in, he lay there for, what seemed to the world, an eternity. He lifted his head and shoulders from the basin, cleansed his fingers in the water, then carried himself, purified of all thoughts, good or bad, to the main shrine, where he sad, legs folded under him, hands behind him. Nyne spoke softly.
“Ya assole. Ren detel mkel cul.” Which, horribly translated, means “Men Before, I forget myself for your sacrifice.”
Just then, a loud wave of sound flooded the vast jungle land, blowing trees from their million year roots, covering ruins with ash, dust, and grime. Nyne quickly unsheathed his wooden sword, and looked to the sky for the tornado. To his suprise, he was un-redeemed. No eye-sore of a twister pleagued the skies of Katere-han. Only a shining fish-like ship, glimmering in the sky. It tasted of foul humanity to Nyne. It tasted of technology. He was always taught: Unless completely in your control, technology is of no essence to a K`sath.
The Rebellion land speeders hums filled the tiny planet's ears. Scouts trampled entire ancient forests, other soldiers moved dirt into the swamps to make landing spaces for the larger ships. The Rebellion had completely taken control of the small planet of Katere-han within 10 minutes. Hundreds of thousands of soldiers littered Nyne’s home-world. How would he explain to them that they were violating his holy sactuary? How could he describe to them that the damage they caused in 5 would take millions of years to restore? He couldn’t. He simply watched. He simply took it all in. He’d failed the past K`saths. He’d gone against his utter-meaning by not attempting to protect Katere-han. This and many more incidents to come would thus control the fate of Nyne Reken. These incidents would fill his already attuned physical and mental body to achieve a new height... The attempt at Dark Jedi-hood.


------------------
Epic: Episode I TC, Epic: Podracing Mod MP/SP, Epic: Starbattles Mod MP/SP
ᵗʰᵉᵇˢᵍ๒ᵍᵐᵃᶥᶫ∙ᶜᵒᵐ
ᴸᶥᵛᵉ ᴼᵑ ᴬᵈᵃᵐ
2003-07-24, 3:38 AM #2
assole..... seems like a word a biiiiiit to close for comfort
good though, nice easy quick read, sounds like it'd be a good storyline

------------------
<Ishionu> haha, if theres one more thing more pathetic then imaginary girlfriends its imaginary girls you cant get to go out with you ;P
Holy soap opera Batman. - FGR
DARWIN WILL PREVENT THE DOWNFALL OF OUR RACE. - Rob
Free Jin!
2003-07-24, 3:39 AM #3
^ ¯= Tigar Says: "RAW! Teh Curbay R teh r0><0rs! His Story here R teh bit-tooh-worday!"

Ok, when I've got to drag my annoying chat character into the Forums just to make a comment on my own writing... 'You have received a new message from 'Forums@Massassi.net' just popped up at the bottom of my screen. I'll stop *****ing now.

JediKirby

------------------
Epic: Episode I TC, Epic: Podracing Mod MP/SP, Epic: Starbattles Mod MP/SP
ᵗʰᵉᵇˢᵍ๒ᵍᵐᵃᶥᶫ∙ᶜᵒᵐ
ᴸᶥᵛᵉ ᴼᵑ ᴬᵈᵃᵐ
2003-07-24, 3:46 AM #4
Well; this piece of writing certainly caught my attention, and was well worth reading. Not too long, either, which is good.

Quote:
<font face="Verdana, Arial" size="2">Nyne spoke softly.
“Ya assole. Ren detel mkel cul.” Which, horribly translated, means “Men Before, I forget myself for your sacrifice.”</font>


However, this line here was the only thing that I think should be improved for two reasons:
-It looks slightly dodgy, and that takes away from the feeling of darkness which I believe you were trying to create.
-The "which means" bit is telling, not showing, and the colloquial "author to reader" tone of it also pulls the reader out of the feeling of approaching evil.

However, it's a good story, and I hope there will be more in this series.

------------------
GhostOfYoda - General doer of stuff.
Massassi's Official Chatroom: irc.synirc.com #massassi
2003-07-24, 4:04 AM #5
Quote:
<font face="Verdana, Arial" size="2">Originally posted by jEDIkIRBY:
He lifted his head and shoulders from the basin, cleansed his fingers in the water, then carried himself, purified of all thoughts, good or bad, to the main shrine, where he sad, legs folded under him, hands behind him.</font>

sat, perhaps?

nice, held my attention.

------------------
Never argue with an idiot. They will bring you down to their level and beat you with experience.
<spe> maevie - proving dykes can't fly

<Dor> You're levelling up and gaining more polys!
2003-07-24, 5:32 PM #6
No spacing between paragraphs! Bad Kirby! Bad bad Kirby!

I'd say look at the first paragraph again, because it comes a bit image-strong. I'm not saying description is bad, but some of the metaphors are a bit strong -- I got the impression at times of the eyes literally swallowing the night and such anyway.

While it might be best to leave it the way it is, perhaps you can work in a physical description of the race? Only if you can work it in naturally--the story doesn't need it. I was just curious what they looked like.

Quote:
<font face="Verdana, Arial" size="2">Nyne’s hand found reassurance back around the pummel of his wooden sword. It was a rare occurrence that he ever used it, but he’d grown so close to it, so attached, that it literally moved as one of his limbs.</font>


I'm pretty sure you meant used in actual combat, but at first I was asking myself "How'd he get attatched to something ne hardly used?"

Quote:
<font face="Verdana, Arial" size="2">Nyne shed all of his clothing except for a thigh-long loin, meant for the display of the body-runes.</font>


It should be loin-cloth.

The story-content itself is very snifty. I'm interested to see what evil Dark Jedi stuff he does anywhos and why [http://forums.massassi.net/html/wink.gif]

------------------
Check out the following stories over at the Interactive Story Board:
The Never-ending Story Thread or visit the new webcomic version!
The Vision Cycle series
Featured Story: Ideal Nightmare

Quest into new worlds or question the deep parts (and not so deep parts) of life at Merlin's Citadel!
The Plothole: a home for amateur, inclusive, collaborative stories
http://forums.theplothole.net
2003-07-24, 5:36 PM #7
Quote:
<font face="Verdana, Arial" size="2">“Ya assole. Ren detel mkel cul.” Which, horribly translated, means “Men Before, I forget myself for your sacrifice.”</font>


In addition to what geb said, "cul" also means something dodgy in french [http://forums.massassi.net/html/tongue.gif]

------------------
In the land of the blind the one eyed man is king.
The music industry is a cruel and shallow money trench where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There's also a negative side.

↑ Up to the top!