Well, I wrote poem to boost my English grade from an 89 to an A, so I hope no one copies this. Tell me what you think...especially you English majors :-P

Early in the morning,
When the sky was still grey,
High stood a bridge,
Heavy mist hid it away.
Above a large chasm,
The rickety bridge stood.
Samurai about to engage
In a battle for good.
The king drew his blade,
He had fire in his eye.
The other drew his sword,
And held it way up high.
“You’ve offended my honor
by insulting my rule.
You soon will pay
For all that you do.”
So said the one king,
His blade soaked with dew.
He aimed to do what
He said he would do.
The other replied,
Rage in his eye.
“We will see soon enough.
Prepare Samurai!”
They each took a step,
Their hands gripping tight
To the swords they both wield.
Their eyes meeting sight.
The king jumped in the air
Slicing down towards the head
But his blow was parried.
It hit wood instead.
The other counter-attacked
With a kick in the gut
And sent the king flying,
Landing face first in muck.
He stood up quickly,
Wiping mud from his brow.
“How dare you strike me!
You will die now!”
He sped toward the man
Who just kicked him down
Again swinging his sword
Toward the other’s crown.
Once again it was parried
And drivin to the rail,
But there it was held.
The king couldn’t bail.
They made eye contact, the
Peasant smiled deviously.
He released the sword
And swung his speedily.
It slashed the king’s cheek
And blood flowed freely.
It dribbled to his chin
And he wiped it off shamefully.
“How is it,” he asked,
“That you can hit me
when I am a king and
you are so lowly?”
The victor then soon replied,
“You attacked me first,
imposter samurai.
You have no virtues,
You ignore your duty.
Justice will prevail,
You act too shrewdly.”
Enraged the king attacked,
For a third time, he did,
But his slashes were weak,
Weaker than a kid’s.
Again the second samurai,
Wise beyond his years,
Blocked each advancing stroke,
Showing none of his fears.
Once the ruler was tired,
He soon again stopped,
This time to catch his breath,
His veins about to pop.
The wise young samurai kicked
The sword out of his hand.
The first man was defenseless.
His confidence, a strand.
With one fluid motion
The samurai struck,
A stab to the gut
And left the sword stuck.
His eyes wide open,
A grunt from his mouth,
The soon dead man
Looked upon himself.
His heartbeat quickend
He fell on his knees,
Then face down, dead,
His body just freezed.
Pulling his sword out,
The samurai said,
“Look at you fool,
now you are dead!”
So the moral here
Is no big surprise:
Don’t pick on giants
When you’re a small size.


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Unofficial Level/MOD Concept Rater That No One Really Likes...

"Once upon a time, I asked the clerk where the bathroom was and we were launched into mortal combat...until he shot me."

no real flow... rhyme scheme didn't carry throughout the whole thing... interesting though

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saberopus
oh yeh wlel i jsut gots finesht wiht my morrwoind mod for teh JO An it takes up teh 900 gigabiets of spaec but i wlil not sowh yuo gyz teh scrnshoots becasue we dunat kare wut u gyz tihnk ne1 no wear i kan get ti hostad 4 dounlowd!!!!11!111 --Checksum

Awww, man. I was hopin to get something done on it. but it does have a rhyme scheme. Every set of four lines goes ABCB. That DOESNT mean that the 5th line will rhyme with the 1st and 9th tho. sigh. sucks that i have to try to work on the flow tho. like where does it have the MAIN flow problems?

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Unofficial Level/MOD Concept Rater That No One Really Likes...

"Once upon a time, I asked the clerk where the bathroom was and we were launched into mortal combat...until he shot me."

Why is that line in the present-tense, when the rest of it is in the past-tense?

....doesn't really strike me as poem.

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Dark, Darker, Darko

I think its good... better than I could do

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Rock n' Roll

Early in the morning,
When the sky was still grey,
High stood a bridge,
Heavy mist hid it away. <-- "By the mist, hid away"
Above a large chasm,
The rickety bridge stood. <-- "The fragile bridge stood."
Samurai about to engage <-- "Samurai near to engage"
In a battle for good.
The king drew his blade,
He had fire in his eye. <-- "Fire in his eye."
The other drew his sword, <-- "The other drew steel,"
And held it way up high. <-- "And held it up high."
“You’ve offended my honor <-- "You've provoked my honor"
by insulting my rule.
You soon will pay <-- "Soon you will pay"
For all that you do.”
So said the one king, <-- "So said the King,"
His blade soaked with dew.
He aimed to do what
He said he would do.
The other replied,
Rage in his eye. <-- "With rage in his eye,"
“We will see soon enough. <-- "We'll see soon enough."
Prepare Samurai!”
They each took a step,
Their hands gripping tight
To the swords they both wield. <-- "The swords they both wielded."
Their eyes meeting sight.
The king jumped in the air <-- "The king jumped skyward"
Slicing down towards the head <-- "Slicing towards the head"
But his blow was parried.
It hit wood instead. <-- "It struck wood instead."
The other counter-attacked <-- "The other responded"
With a kick in the gut
And sent the king flying,
Landing face first in muck. <-- "Landing him in the muck."
He stood up quickly,
Wiping mud from his brow.
“How dare you strike me!
You will die now!”
He sped toward the man <-- "He charged at the man"
Who just kicked him down <-- "Who had just kicked him down"
Again swinging his sword <-- "Again aiming his sword"
Toward the other’s crown. <-- "At the other man's crown."
Once again it was parried <-- ""Again, the blow parried"
And drivin to the rail, <-- ""Was driven to rail."
But there it was held. <-- ""There it was held,"
The king couldn’t bail.
They made eye contact, the <-- "Their eyes then met,"
Peasant smiled deviously. <-- "Flickered deviously."
He released the sword <-- "He released the king's sword"
And swung his speedily. <-- "And swung his blade speedily"
It slashed the king’s cheek
And blood flowed freely.
It dribbled to his chin
And he wiped it off shamefully.
“How is it,” he asked,
“That you can hit me
when I am a king and
you are so lowly?”
The victor then soon replied,
“You attacked me first,
imposter samurai.
You have no virtues,
You ignore your duty.
Justice will prevail,
You act too shrewdly.”
Enraged the king attacked,
For a third time, he did,
But his slashes were weak,
Weaker than a kid’s.
Again the second samurai,
Wise beyond his years,
Blocked each advancing stroke,
Showing none of his fears.
Once the ruler was tired,
He soon again stopped,
This time to catch his breath,
His veins about to pop.
The wise young samurai kicked
The sword out of his hand.
The first man was defenseless.
His confidence, a strand.
With one fluid motion
The samurai struck,
A stab to the gut
And left the sword stuck.
His eyes wide open,
A grunt from his mouth,
The soon dead man
Looked upon himself.
His heartbeat quickend
He fell on his knees,
Then face down, dead,
His body just freezed.
Pulling his sword out,
The samurai said,
“Look at you fool,
now you are dead!”
So the moral here
Is no big surprise:
Don’t pick on giants
When you’re a small size.


I went through about half before I ran out of time, offering suggestions on line changes. I very much reccomend that you pay attention to the number of sylables in each line, and also to how each word is emphasized when spoken, and fit that al into a pattern. I know it can be difficult and time consuming, but there's a lot of potential in this poem, and I'd like to see what you can do with it. (Btw, I don't reccoment you use any of my lines. While I wouldn't consider it to be plagerism or anything, I don't think my lines were given enough thought, and probably need quite a bit of work themselves. You should feel free to use them as guidelines, though.)

Here's a poem I posted her a few days ago. (If you count the sylables of each line, you'll see that (with the exception of one) they all have 8 sylables, and the emphasis on the words generally fits into a pattern.)
http://forums.massassi.net/html/Forum5/HTML/010713.html

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Tia mi aven Moridin isainde vadin
http://www.writings-emag.net The next big thing since individually wrapped cheese slices (coming soon).

0_0 wow thnx for all the help guyz. Ill work on it.

[edit] ok made the changes suggested, looks good now. to tell you guyz the truth, i didnt think anyone wuld help, so thanks [edit]
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Unofficial Level/MOD Concept Rater That No One Really Likes...

"Once upon a time, I asked the clerk where the bathroom was and we were launched into mortal combat...until he shot me."

[This message has been edited by blackbelt7 (edited December 09, 2003).]

quote from Sarn_Cadrill:

I went through about half before I ran out of time, offering suggestions on line changes. I very much reccomend that you pay attention to the number of sylables in each line, and also to how each word is emphasized when spoken, and fit that al into a pattern. I know it can be difficult and time consuming, but there's a lot of potential in this poem, and I'd like to see what you can do with it. (Btw, I don't reccoment you use any of my lines. While I wouldn't consider it to be plagerism or anything, I don't think my lines were given enough thought, and probably need quite a bit of work themselves. You should feel free to use them as guidelines, though.)

(end quote)

Well to tell you the truth, i like the way you expressed each line, so i took those suggestions, put them in, and now ill go over them. Besides, if it doesnt end up workin out, i have the original.

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Unofficial Level/MOD Concept Rater That No One Really Likes...

"Once upon a time, I asked the clerk where the bathroom was and we were launched into mortal combat...until he shot me."

OK, its updated. I went through the whole thing and changed anything i thought didnt match with the help of www.rhymezone.com and www.thesaurus.com so here's the new one. I'm sorry its so freakin long:

Early in the morning,
When the sky was still grey,
High stood a bridge,
By the mist, hid away.
Above a large chasm,
The fragile bridge stood.
Samurai must engage
In a battle for good.
The king drew his blade,
Fire in his eyes.
The other drew steel,
And held it up high.
“You’ve provoked my honor
by insulting my rule.
Soon you will pay
For all that you do.”
So said the king,
His blade soaked with dew.
He aimed to do what
He said he would do.
The other replied,
With rage in his eye.
“We’ll see soon enough.
Prepare Samurai!”
They each took a step,
Their hands gripping tight
To the swords they both wielded.
Their eyes meeting sight.
The king jumped skyward
Slicing towards the head
But his blow was parried.
It struck wood instead.
The other responded
With a kick in the gut
And sent the king flying,
Landing him in the muck.
He stood up quickly,
Wiping mud from his brow.
“How dare you strike me!
You will die now!”
He charged at the man
Who had just kicked him down
Again aiming his sword
At the other man’s crown.
Again the blow parried
Was drivin to rail,
There it was held.
The king couldn’t bail.
Their eyes then met,
Flickered deviously.
He released the king’s sword
And swung his blade speedily.
It slashed the king’s cheek
and blood flowed freely.
It dribbled to his chin.
He felt so guilty.
“How is it,” he asked,
“That you can hit me
when I am a king and
you are so lowly?”
The victor spoke out,
Said with a cry,
“You attacked me first,
imposter samurai.
You have no clear virtues,
You ignore your duty.
Justice will prevail,
You act way to cruely.”
Enraged, the king attacked,
For a third time, he did,
But his slashes were weak,
His arms like a squids.
Again the second samurai,
Wise beyond his years,
Blocked each advancing stroke,
Showing none of his fears.
Once the ruler was tired,
He soon again stopped,
This time to catch his breath,
His veins about to pop.
The wise young samurai hit
The sword out of his hand.
The first man was defenseless.
His confidence, a strand.
With one smooth motion
The samurai struck,
A stab to the gut
And left the sword stuck.
His eyes wide open,
A grunt from his mouth,
The soon dead man
Looked upon himself.
His heartbeat quickend
He fell on his knees,
Then face down, dead,
His body just freezed.
Pulling his sword out,
The samurai said,
“Look at you fool,
now you are dead!”
So the moral here
Is no big surprise:
Don’t pick on giants
When you’re a small size.


------------------
Unofficial Level/MOD Concept Rater That No One Really Likes...

"Once upon a time, I asked the clerk where the bathroom was and we were launched into mortal combat...until he shot me."

[This message has been edited by blackbelt7 (edited December 09, 2003).]

Good, that second version flows much better...

I would reccomend though that you change that last line to say, "When you're so small in size."

Other than that, nothing specifically stood out... I might read it again when I have more time...

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Tia mi aven Moridin isainde vadin
http://www.writings-emag.net The next big thing since individually wrapped cheese slices (coming soon).

cool, thanks S-person

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Unofficial Level/MOD Concept Rater That No One Really Likes...

"Once upon a time, I asked the clerk where the bathroom was and we were launched into mortal combat...until he shot me."

<(^_^<) (>^_^)>

^^^^^ For JediKirby