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2004-02-02, 5:41 PM #1
Tell my how much my poetry (more like lyrics) sucks:

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Fearing if too much I say
The world will fall apart
Fearing if I slip today
The world will break my heart

A secret lust
A hidden fire
Kettled, fettered, straining

A fragile jar
A broken lid
Holding back, containing

Fearing if I take one step
The causeway will collapse
Fearing if I take one breath
The air will turn to black

If all was gone
Except for one
Would the world grow dark?

Would it fall
Gradually
Or die right from the start?

Fearing if I leave my home
The return will be long
Fearing if these paths I roam
The way back will be gone

If I try to be
The one I see in me
Will you take my life
To throw away agin?

Fearing if I tried to hard
It all would be in vain
Fearing if I played this part
It might not be the same

-----

This is for a district poetry contest, and just so they don't see this and think I copied it, it's written by K. Jerrell.

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All the prism in the world couldn't make hue.
2004-02-02, 6:40 PM #2
That was awesome. I loved it, and a good lot of it reminded me of something I'm going through right now.

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"The Oracle told me I would die with my boots on. I've worn tennis shoes ever since." - Axis
2004-02-02, 10:13 PM #3
Yeah, nice flow, except in the second last verse. The message is also nicely occluded. Well done!

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"Häb Pfrässe, süsch chlepfts!" - The coolest language in the world (besides Cherokee)
"Häb Pfrässe, süsch chlepfts!" - The coolest language in the world (besides Cherokee)
2004-02-03, 5:50 AM #4
Very well-written.

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"LC Tusken: the idiot is the person who follows the idiot and your not following me your insulting me your following the path of a idiot so that makes you the idiot"
NMGOH || Jack Chick preaches it || The Link of the Dead
the idiot is the person who follows the idiot and your not following me your insulting me your following the path of a idiot so that makes you the idiot - LC Tusken
2004-02-03, 11:56 AM #5
Quote:
<font face="Verdana, Arial" size="2">Kettled, fettered, straining</font>


In my humble opinion, lines with only adjectives suck and they're incredibly cliche.
A desperate disease requires a dangerous remedy.

A major source of objection to a free economy is precisely that it gives people what they want instead of what a particular group thinks they ought to want. Underlying most arguments against the free market is a lack of belief in freedom itself.

art
2004-02-03, 12:12 PM #6
So, Sine, how 'bout them Panthers?

BTW nice poetry (more like lyrics)
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Contrafribularities

[This message has been edited by Rod-Nog (edited February 03, 2004).]
Someone wrote this over one of the urinals: "The joke isn't on the wall; it's in your hand." - BV
2004-02-03, 2:00 PM #7
They kick your *** .
A desperate disease requires a dangerous remedy.

A major source of objection to a free economy is precisely that it gives people what they want instead of what a particular group thinks they ought to want. Underlying most arguments against the free market is a lack of belief in freedom itself.

art
2004-02-03, 2:05 PM #8
Quote:
<font face="Verdana, Arial" size="2">Originally posted by Sine Nomen:
In my humble opinion, lines with only adjectives suck and they're incredibly cliche.</font>


Any suggestions? I couldn't really think of anything. But I like the world 'kettled.' I made it up.

Quote:
<font face="Verdana, Arial" size="2">Originally posted by zagibu:
Yeah, nice flow, except in the second last verse. The message is also nicely occluded. Well done!</font>


Yeah, that's supposed to be a 'break.' It would make sense if it was a song. I don't really like it that much.

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All the prism in the world couldn't make hue.

[This message has been edited by Vincent Valentine (edited February 03, 2004).]

[This message has been edited by Vincent Valentine (edited February 03, 2004).]
2004-02-03, 3:30 PM #9
Quote:
<font face="Verdana, Arial" size="2">Originally posted by Sine Nomen:
They kick your *** .</font>


As a resident of Charlotte, NC. I second that.

We'll be back, don't you worry.

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Frogblast the Vent Core!

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