I have a collection of poems I'd like to share... I've shown some of them before, but I'm going to show them again, along with some new ones. So... here goes. (feel free to offer harsh (but helpful) criticism if you think it appropriate.

The Armor of God
Jonathan Simon

I am a soldier, though you'd not recognize my stand,
A Shield at my waist, and a Sword in my hand.
But your gaze would pass over, not noticing these.
These weapons weren't forged to bring men to their knees.

Were you a demon this Sword would strike fear
Into your heart like a well-aimed long spear.
For the power of God resides in this blade
A Sword stronger than steel, and wonderfully made.

A Breastplate doth cover from shoulder to waist
Protecting my body by it's fearsome embrace.
Where the Breastplate stops, a belt like a charm
protects me with truth, protects me from harm.

A pair of stout shoes to ensure my strong stance.
With these mighty boots, I'll not put foot askance.
And attatched to my belt where it might be taken up quick,
The Shield mentioned earlier, strong and quite thick.

And finally brethren, like a crown on my head,
A helmet to strike fear in the armies of the dead.
Salvation hath forged into this helmet great might
that I might be able to stand, and to fight.

To you I may look like some simple lout,
But the Lord does not send unprepared soldiers out.
So I will return from this dark battle unscathed,
Wearing the greatest armor that has ever been made.

Lama Sabachthani?
Jonathan Simon

Something given, something taken
Someone cries out, feels Forsaken
A Crown of thorns placed on His head
And hours later, He is dead
"It is Finished," softly spoken
Something old is swiftly Broken

Darkly done, the Earth is grieving
Some, Discouraged, stop believing
Others remember what He's said
And leave behind their sense of dread
Crucificion Foretold by He
It's not defeat, but Victory

(note: the next one I wrote tonight in response to watching The Passion of the Christ.)
Lord, did you Cry?
Jonathan Simon

Lord, did you cry out
when the nails raked your back?
Or, were you too weak to shout

Did you scream with every slap
of hand upon Your wounds?
Or, Lord, did You lose track?

When You met Your mother's eye
As men spit and hurled insult;
Lord, then, did you cry?

As they drove in the first spike
Did You flinch or pull away?
Oh God, what it must have been like.

Did you shut Your eyes and imagine You were free
While You suffered that unbearable pain?
Or did you close your eyes and think...
And think that you were doing it for me?

Pursuit
Jonathan Simon

Running
Trees blurring past
Something getting closer

Stumbling
Smell of cool dirt
It's almost upon me

Panic
Scrambling back to my feet
Running harder, faster

Again
On the ground
Why do I keep falling?
Why do I keep failing?

So, My Love.
Jonathan Simon

Like blossoms reaching for the sun
on a new spring morning
The dreariness of winter shunned
as dew forms on the petals
So, my love.

Fresh and new, the air so crisp
causes trees to flutter
Oh what a treat to catch a whisp
as we go about our lives
So, my love.

Shadows slowly start to fade
as sun climbs into sky
Burning away the nightly shade
while we rest in each other's arms
So, my love.

Or, as dusk is moving in
the sun a fading memory
The night's first star now flickering
as we hold each other close
So, my love.

The Little Black Book
Jonathan Simon

Such responsibility for such a small book
Bound in black leather
A name engraved in gold in the corner
No other markings.
Such a small book, nine inches by six
And less than an inch thick.

But contained inside, instructions for life
The meaning of life. Men have spent
Their entire lives, trying to understand
Only to fall short.
Years of study equates to
A second of understanding.

No other book has influenced so greatly
The course of events on this earth.
Nor has any other book contained
The Words of God.

The Most Beautiful Girl I Know
Jonathan Simon

Your eyes, they sparkle in the moonlight
even at high noon
Your lips are full and gentle
a kiss expected soon
Your skin is soft as angel's silk
despite your earthly birth
Your cheeks suggest a hidden tale
filled with endless mirth
All these things, they swirl together
In some Heavenly flow
Conspiring together to form
The must beautiful girl I know

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Tia mi aven Moridin isainde vadin
http://www.writings-emag.net The next big thing since individually wrapped cheese slices (coming soon).

An impressive collection of poetry. Makes me want to try my hand at it again, almost. I'm too lazy to comment on all of them right now, but I particularly liked the first two -- very well constructed and of course the themes are great.

Constructive Criticism: In the first one in particular (and as a rule in general), try to stick to either modern English or King James style. Throwing a "doth" or "hath" in there randomly just kinda makes it look unprofessional. Modern English, used properly, can be every bit as powerful as the old stuff -- look at Winston Churchill's speeches for example.

I'd also try to tweak the meter (or rythm or flow or whatever the technical term is) of it in places. Reciting it aloud helps to find rough spots -- for instance, the first verse (stanza? Where's my high school English when I need it?) of the Armour one has a nice flow to it, da dah da da dah da da dah da da dah (actually, the first line doesn't quite conform to that, but the other three do). But then the second verse/stanza/whatever is all over the place, rythm-wise. It needs to be more constant, like the gallop of a horse.

Anyway, I think my favorite of all those is the Pursuit one. Obviously, in this sort of poetry the rythm and metre isn't nearly as important. It paints a vivid picture, not only of the scene but the emotion in the scene as well. Very cool.

*Krig, inspired, goes off to try his hand at some poetry of his own...*

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"Well, it could be worse -- it could be windy!" -popular Canadian saying.

Krig, glad I could inspire.

And yeah, consistant meter is one of the areas where I struggle the most. As for The Armor of God, I was sort of aiming for an Alfred Lord Tennyson feel, hence the old english. Reading it again, I think it fits fairly well, since I also used words like brethren, askance, etc... Seems to flow ok to me... I'll probably look at it again later, though. Thanks for the advice.

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Tia mi aven Moridin isainde vadin
http://www.writings-emag.net The next big thing since individually wrapped cheese slices (coming soon).

Three new ones, I wrote this morning.

Always
Always falling hard
And in falling hard, landing soft
Always laughed at, but never scoffed.

Always falling back
And in falling back, staying on track
Often bent, but never cracked.

Always feeling pain
And in feeling pain, discovering gain
Sometimes drawn from, but never drained.

Always trying to cope
And in trying to cope, never getting revoked
Occaisionally discouraged, but never losing hope.


Life is like falling from a cliff
Life is like falling from a cliff, and
eventually you will hit, and
you will splatter against the rocky ground, and
your body will be eaten by birds and beasts, and
you will be returned to the earth, and
then you will add to the height of the cliff.

(btw, this next one is about the closest I get to free verse)
Solution (working title)
You thought you could fly this plane.
But now you're running out of fuel,
and you don't know how to land.
The parachutes are gone, so you circle aimlessly,
hoping for someone to rescue you.
You used to survive by getting refueled in mid-air,
But you knew it was only a temporary solution.
There's only so much gasoline to satisfy the hungry jet engines.
But you knew all along that I had a plan.
My plane runs on light, beautiful rays from the sun.
It will never run out of fuel.
I made a cable to connect our two planes.
You can come across, swinging hand over hand,
and we will fly together, forever.
But you don't catch the cable when I throw it over to you.
You don't even try to catch it.
Maybe you don't trust me,
or maybe you don't see me,
circling right alongside you.
I suppose you're too distracted by the fuel gague,
as it slowly ticks away, towards empty.


(These are in no way finished, so please by all means criticize away so that I know what needs to be fixed/changed. And also, I'm curious about what you may take from the last one.)

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Tia mi aven Moridin isainde vadin

[This message has been edited by Sarn_Cadrill (edited March 02, 2004).]