A long time ago, I posted a screenplay 'If I Could Dance..' I've since rewrote the entirety of the play, thinking I'd lost it. Well, I found the original, but after compairing, this version is MUCH better. I did it in MSWorks, and with tables, so for you guys to see it, I had to save it as a .html. Well, that caused a few issues. Any time you see the main table change, assume it's one single cell, the last of the above, and the first of the below. Also note: VO means Voice Over, POV means Point of View, and anything in CAPS is music or other sounds.

PLEASE give me some feedback, I really need to know how I can improve the telling of the story. Remember, this is ALL true, so I can't go and change the truth. But what I can do, is tell it from a better angle. Thanks.

If I could Dance... Revisited

Almost forgot: There's some harsh language in this, so beware.

JediKirby

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<]-[ellequin> Nothing is quite as satisfying as placing a .177 lead pellet in between the eyes of a cat.
<]-[ellequin> I think I will leave it's corpse there, to warn all the other cats to keep out of my hibiscus patch

Live on, Adam.

[This message has been edited by jEDIkIRBY (edited June 04, 2004).]

What a story :x I don't know what to say though as far as critism goes... I'm a horrible writer, but I'll try I guess.

It was a nice story, kindof sad but it had sortof an uplifting ending. It just seems like though in some parts you mentioned some things that I expected to see come up again, but didn't (fake foreshadowing?) such as when you mentioned the tones of people that bothered you in the beginning.

Honestly that's about all I've got. It's pretty good if you ask me, and besides like I said I suck at writing so I can't really think of anything else to look for :x I hope this was helpful

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Do you have stairs in your house?

The way you present your life story is extremely intresting to read, and I can imagine it being intresting to watch if it was made into a short film. I, personally, think this is one of your better works that you have shown me.

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GhostOfYoda - General doer of stuff.

Oh yeah, intercut is switching between two people at waist or so height. as they speak.

JediKirby

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<]-[ellequin> Nothing is quite as satisfying as placing a .177 lead pellet in between the eyes of a cat.
<]-[ellequin> I think I will leave it's corpse there, to warn all the other cats to keep out of my hibiscus patch

Live on, Adam.

Touching. I wouldn't know how to improve it.

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Call me Vedder.
Author of: A Pirate's Tale (Mots SP)
APT homepage
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<phantom> You're always going to be aloser if you attempt to aspire to massassi standards.
<phantom> They're a bunch of socially inadequate <beep> whores who have little or no lives.

That was really good.

Would make a great film.

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