You woke up in your alley and you stared across towards the church from which the gunshot rang. Stumbling from the beer you had for breakfast, you use the vodka bottle in your hand as a crutch and clip clopped across the road and into the cathedral. Your head hurt as if full. You kept it strait up and down as not to drain the alcohol from your ears. Despite your efforts, a trickle of something red poured out onto the white tiled church floor. This wouldn’t do. “Thank you Jesus! Amen! God is good.” the man wearing white robes like white tiles said in the front of the cathedral. Your empty hand was held out in front of you with something like a gun shining in the candle lights. Cries like babies that were hidden away in the cry room rang out like church bells as 2 bullets had escaped a gun. The priest was red splotches on white tiles as he fell over the collection plate, as if offering himself to the cause of God. And in this, the cathedral was a mass of broken plaster lying next to open eye sleepers across the red-polka dotted tiles. And the sheep began to baa. 1 hundred voices muffled by gunshot wounds all softly baaing as the black sheep fed his brothers to the wolf. You spoke for the first time to this red splotched flock and said that “God is only as good as the devil is bad. Without red, there is no contrast.” And red was the sun setting over your yesterday.

Hard to follow, some of the symbolism is muddy and hard to follow. It's a good concept, decent execution, but somewhat...hard to understand overall. Maybe a revamp would help.

It's meant to be somewhat jumbled. I like to let the reader's mind lead, rather than follow. What'd you get out of the piece? What was the meaning, or the symbolism that you spoke of? That's what I'd like to hear. Also, listen to the wav. It's meant to be heard, as all of my poems are.

JediKirby

For some reason, I had Max Payne's voice in my head throughout all of that...

It's very noir, that's why. It fits the Max Payne setting.

It seemed to me to symbolize some important moment, or discovery in life. I could be way off base..that's just what I got from it.

It would've been easier to read had it been split into two paragraphs.

It's not the noir so much as it is the style of writting. All of Max Payne's Graphic Novel cutscenes had very richly detailed descriptions and loads upon loads of metaphores. What Kirby has there is similar in that respect. I started reading it and the voice in my head quickly shifted to Payne's.

Interesting. I like it.

Full of what? This seems like a good place for some extra imagry or whatnot anyway.

That's really the only thing that I'd pick on, as this is moreso poetry as I see it than prose, and I'm not as good with poetry. Brings up some good images though, even if it is hard to follow.

Interesting, but you alternate between past and present as action time. That's bad. But I like the content.

[edit] Might just be a missing d in second sentence... [/edit]

The tense change was intended. Again, it's meant to be from the perspective of a drunk.

JediKirby