Formatting is supposed to center aligned. Did the best I could to maintain it.

Very poetic... well done.

But I mean... seriously.

"The spring's pain"

I mean, I suppose if you have a long coiled spring, it could like...spring into your face if you smash it down, and it springs back up really fast and smack you really hard. Otherwise, that part doesn't make alot of sense, but the rest is good. I mean, I did the research and it appears that these "roses" are certainly "red," so it's very well done.

The commas are extremely awkward. Especially the ones on the first line. "The, rose, sits..." and "...in, the, spotlight, ..." just don't flow at all.

Thanks for the comments. To clarify somethings:



It's funny that you say the commas are awkward. I never intended the commas to do that, although I actually think it's appropriate and I wish that was intentional. But actually, the commas are supposed to create the flow of a heartbeat. Specifically, the first line is rapid. Word-beat-word-beat. Then as the poem goes on, there's less pausing and therefore the beats are farther spread out, until you hit the period. But I was never sure if my method for doing so was the best way, so if anyone has any ideas on how to create that effect, please speak up.

"spring's

pain" = the season spring. :p It's intentionally supposed to make you think "rain" is coming, when in fact... there will be no growing season. None.

I like it.

Reminds me in a way of e.e. cummings. It's nice. It seems you put some thought into it.

New comma arrangement and a bit different structure. I'm not going for the heartbeat much any more. Although I did try to make certain parts of it quicker (IE the first line is now all one syllable words except "alone", which is a word that begs to be spoken different). I did try to make the last couple of lines slower with more "h" and "s" sounds at the beginning and end of words. I, however, don't know how effective it really is at that. But I think that this is my final draft, unless I choose to go back to commas.

Inspired by the way e.e. cummings writes, in fact. What can I say? I've been studying poetry in class and I wanted to play around with what I learned---hopefully learning a bit more.

I like version 2 better. It flows better, and the actual text of the poem catches your eye more than the constant comma pauses, which I think detracted from what you initially get out of the poem in version one.

I don't like the end of the second line though. "Hiding in the shadow breaks" makes it sound like the thorn is hiding in the "shadow breaks" as if shadow breaks was a place. The comma throws off what you're trying to say.

Edited line 2.


One more time. New concept: I figured that the poem is about disappointing expectation, so the idea is that lines 2, 4, and 6 build you up then you get dropped on the next line. Lines 3, 5, and (7) have syllable counts that go: 3, 2, and 1. I'll admit it's still choppy, but I think I can pass it off as artistic choppiness, which is less annoying. :p

Now version two completely r0x my b0x. I don't like the change you made in version 3. :\

yeah the second version is great. i love your writing technique.

i dont post a lot (mainly browse)
but i got to say....interesting....
very figurative and stuffs
very good, and easy to understand (to me anyways)
good job....now to end the sensless ramblings!

Whelp, here I am, posting:

The number one reason why I really can't bring myself to take the poem seriously is that cummings' style of poetry bothers me greatly. I also think that I'd rather hear his poems, along with this one, out loud. There's some playing with lines that, in my opinion, looks silly. Perhaps when spoken a certain way it suddenly gets across what all those silly commas and double-dashes are trying to 'show' me.

I'm also a very vocal poet. I like to play with sounds, which is why I can, in fact, appreicate this poem as if it were written out normally.

Lastly, there's little MEANING to the poem. Yeah, sure, figurative and vague meaning, but nothing that jumps out at me, or means anything to me. It's not really telling me anything about anyone or any situation. The line breaks and things like that should come AFTER you've got something to tell me. Those are added quirks, and shouldn't be the focus of the poem.

But these are all my opinions, and honestly probably wrong. I've just never really liked this sort of poetry, so I find it hard to suddenly like it.

JediKirby

Fair enough. It actually is written about a very specific situation, and I was pretty curious whether or not the story gets told to anyone who wasn't there. For example, all my friends know who the "red haired girl" is, but no one here obviously does. It is kind of general in theme, certainly. I'll bet a billion poems have been written about feeling that a girl wants to be in a relationship with you---when in fact this feeling is just going to lead to pain.

I must disagree on the importance of structure, but it's all subjective.

I wrote another one, but do not wish to give it a thread at this juncture.




The style in this one is less important, although let it be known that the fourth stanza is supposed to kind of repeat the first one... it's sort of repititious like the rituals I am kind of forced to participate in. And the fifth stanza purposefully is different.

I don't know what you will think about it. It's my second (serious) poem. I'd appreciate constructive criticism.

I love it! And I HATE poetry. Seriously. I'd say that's worth something. I like the general gist.. you might make a few tweaks here and there to make it flow better, but generally I like it. Also, in the line:



Are you sure 'week' isn't supposed to be 'weak'? Seems to me it would fit a lot better.

LOVE IT! that rocked. thnx for sharing it on the board. very good poem

Actually, "week" refers to the way mass happens every Sunday. BUT, it was intended to sound like "weak" because it does fit better.

"Ash Wednesday" is spectacular; infinitely better than the first poem, in my opinion! Beautiful peom, wonderful design and content, and the rhymes really roll off of the tip of your tongue. My interepretation of it is this: you are tired of tradition of ritual, of doing things just for the sake of doing them, and you are thirst for more than just communion. You want to look beyond this, to the deeper, inherent and underlying meaning. Also, does the farmer's rain symbolize anything specific? It's a great metaphor, especially the line "Only to grow the wrong direction… " Aslo, the ending is perfect, not specificcally adressing a solution that would work for everyone, but instead a thoughtful and poignant suggestion for spiritual change. I may have totally butchered your original intended meaning, if I have please say.

Nevertheless, excellent, excelllent poem!

You aren't far off the meaning. :p And you can't "butcher it". The key, I believe, to seeing what I was thinking when I wrote the poem is to start with the title. The key is the "ashes". The poem has ashes being wiped on (IE religious beliefs being forced on to the persona) and then the persona wiping off.

Originally I had a whole lot of analysis written out, but I don't want to spoil the poem by telling what I meant when I wrote it. I'd hate for someone, who would have liked the poem, to dislike it because they don't like the message of it. Plus, I'm honored people are finding meaning in it at all... I'm just an amateur writing my thoughts down.

Thanks.