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☖ Forums → Showcase → Another Attempt At Poetry (first experiment with Rhythm)
Another Attempt At Poetry (first experiment with Rhythm)
2005-03-03, 5:23 PM #1
Hi, thanks for reading in advance.

Based on my understanding, the rhythm ought to be:

I---
dactyl (2)
trochaic (4)
dactyl (3)
iambic (varies)

I based this poem on the assumption that the way you define whether a single syllable word is stressed or not is based on multiple syllable words in that line. But all of this is relatively new to me. I'm basically learning poetry concepts in class and seeking to apply them to my own work. So with that preface out of the way... here it is:

Code: 
        I Sing Praises To My God

I—
     Live on the highest peak,
My eye travels forward and back,
     Capturing pictures of crime and shame,
I live the life you seek,

I—
     Sit in the foremost row
My song spreading frontward and back,
     Filling the empty pews of your faith,
I live beyond the height your seeds can grow,

I—
    Ride the stallion brave and white,
My pride trampling demons and gangs,
    Carrying weapons given by God,
I live one holy mission basking you in light,

I—
     Preach God and Glory’s piece,
My word ringing in heaven and earth,
     Shouting above your deaf sinful ears:
"I seek to know, to live, to please
                                   
                                        You."


—Steve Hengeli


As much as I appreciate deconstruction, I'd like some constructive criticism or none at all. But don't worry about my feelings so as long as you're providing constructive thoughts. Thanks.
2005-03-03, 5:27 PM #2
Pretty good work. I mean there are a few semi-cliche metaphors, but you presented them pretty un-cliche...if that makes any sense. I'm not digging the whole I- thing...but that's just me.
Think while it's still legal.
2005-03-03, 6:03 PM #3
Wow, very nice bro.
"The only crime I'm guilty of is love [of china]"
- Ruthven
me clan me mod
2005-03-03, 7:01 PM #4
Neat stuff. I wish I could give something more constructive than that, but poetry is out of my realm of "expertise."
2005-03-05, 7:55 PM #5
The real conclusion to my first poem. (Red Rose, the one that was about a girl that brought great pain to me)
Code: 
           Writer’s Block

At this desk I sit once again,
My fingers reaching for my trusted pen,
My rotted, wooden door swings again,
But you aren’t here this time,
the red pen yields no poison, 
The dragon breathes, making my dungeon lighten,

Words have escaped my penitentiary,
Leaping to another dictionary,
Living through Passion and Pedagogy,
I search desperately for another word,
my book refuses to write a fitting end,
I look east for sweet vocabulary,

A pen falls from the cloudy sky,
Now dripping rows to cover up the old white lie,
My mind’s old garden rises with wary sigh, 
New words grow with their green leaves
Holding steady in the storm’s great anger,
A chapter of spring writes, wishing you goodbye.

—Steve Hengeli
2005-03-05, 8:25 PM #6
I doubt the Showcase forum is active enough for anyone to care that I keep bumping my thread, despite the fact that few are reading this. :p So here's an updated version of the last poem.


Code: 
           Writer’s Block

At this desk I sit once again,
My fingers feeling for my trusted pen,
My rotten, wooden door swings again,
But you aren’t here this time,
the red pen yields no poison, 
The dragon breathes, making my dungeon lighten,

Words have escaped my penitentiary,
Leaping to another dictionary,
Living through Passion and Pedagogy,
I search desperately for another word,
my book refuses to write a fitting end,
Looking east for sweet vocabulary,

A pen falls from the cloud infested sky,
Blue ink trickles thickly to cover the white lie,
My mind’s frayed garden wakes with wary sigh, 
Fresh words grow with their green leaves,
Holding steady, bravely facing the storm’s fight,
As I write another chapter, wishing you goodbye.

—Steve Hengeli
2005-03-05, 8:30 PM #7
I read both of them aloud. The iambic bit in the first is a ltitle weird in it's inconsistency, but then again, I am a conservative writer. That's why I liked Red Rose. It was a little more conventional yet exercised vivid imagery.
Cordially,
Lord Tiberius Grismath
1473 for '1337' posts.
2005-03-06, 8:03 PM #8
Writer’s Block

At this desk I sit once again,
My fingers feeling for my trusted pen,
My rotten, wooden door swings again,
But you aren’t here this time,
The crimson pen yields no more poison,
The dragon breathes, making my dungeon brighten,

Words have escaped my penitentiary,
Leaping to another dictionary,
Living through Passion and Pedagogy,
I search desperately for another word,
my book refuses to write a fitting end,
Looking east for rising vocabulary,

A pen falls from the cloud infested sky,
Bright blue ink trickles, concealing white lie,
My mind’s frayed garden wakes with wary sigh,
Fresh words grow, basking in setting green light,
Persisting, bravely facing the storm’s fight,
I finish the chapter, wishing you goodbye.

—Steve Hengeli


Last stanza is all iambic pentameter this time. Or should be, many times I notice a mistake.
2005-03-06, 11:30 PM #9
Writer's Block was lovely, though the half-rhyme at the end of the first stanza sounded awkward when I read it out loud. PLEASE keep posting poetry, because there's very few poets on massassi that are willing to share work/crit. I've posted several poems and got 0 response, so I'm glad to see people posting on someones poetry threads.

Keep it up, the technical aspects come in time as you get a more natural grasp for them. The rest will just come into place on it's own :)
</sarcasm>
<Anovis> mmmm I wanna lick your wet, Mentis.
__________
2005-03-08, 7:02 PM #10
Build a tall, wide wall—
Gravestones dance dreading, dying—
Fancy marble falls.

Hear Hiroshima—
Silent voices sing, screaming—
Bare enduring ear.

See Nagasaki—
Life dissipates, radiates—
Open one dry eye.

Build a tall wide wall
For the fallen forgotten
Wield discreet concrete.

—Steve Hengeli
2005-03-08, 8:03 PM #11
Break new, clear mirror—
Gravestones dance dreading, dying—
Fancy marble falls,

Hear hiroshima—
Silent voices sing, screaming—
Bare enduring ear.

See nagasaki—
Life radiates, dissipates—
Open one dry eye.

Build a tall wide wall
For the fallen forgotten
Wield discreet concrete.

—Steve Hengeli


Update, a little nuclear rhetoric thrown in the beginning and some subtle changes.
2005-03-09, 7:00 PM #12
Build New, Clear mirror—
Broken old shards shimmer, seared—
Sweep glass into past—

Build peace, fateful gate—
Grand gravestones dancing, dying —
Fancy marble falls—

Hear hiroshima—
Silent voices sing, screaming—
Bare enduring ear—

See nagasaki—
Life radiates, dissipates—
Open one dry eye—

Build dreadful temple—
Old soldier singing, stockpiling—
Cover profane remains—

Build a tall wide wall
For the fallen forgotten
Wield discreet concrete.

—Steve Hengeli
2005-03-09, 7:32 PM #13
Those last three have a very nice rhythm to them, and the beat is fast-paced and involving. I agree with Mentis - Massassi needs more poetry (perhaps it's time I posted a few more). I've enjoyed the wide range of poetry on Massassi (when it does crop up) and the few poets who do reside here have well-honed skills for the most part. I think there is a lot I could learn from your latest poem in terms of beat and hectic rhythm - I've never attempted anything quite like that before.

I must say though, I did not like your first poem on this thread quite so much. I think the Ash Wednesday one I read a while back was excellent though, that must have required a great deal of effort. Keep posting, I enjoy reading your innermost reflections, and could probably learn a thing or two while I'm at it! ;)
My JK Level Design | 2005 JK Hub Level Pack (Plexus) | Massassi Levels
2005-03-09, 7:36 PM #14
The last poem's rhythm is helped a lot by the natural syllable arrangement of the haiku structure, which conviently also links it back to Japan.

I'm glad you read my poems. You should post yours too, it's not like there's a lot of JK editing posted in this forum these days. :p I'm sure I, for one, would read them. :)
2005-03-09, 8:46 PM #15
I've only written one in the last couple of weeks, but since it's part of a trilogy of sonnets, I'll post those. :)

(ah yes, I realize now that you've told me about the haiku's - I'm surprised I didn't rrecognize them, never have written one. Nice parallels!)
My JK Level Design | 2005 JK Hub Level Pack (Plexus) | Massassi Levels

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