Ok, I'm writing this story about World War 3. It's not great, and it's still under development. But I just finished the beginning, and would like more than My, Monoxide, and one of our friend's opinions. But before you read this, please note that not while EXTREMELY Mature, there is some swearing, and it can lead to some graphic images if you imagine it in certain ways. So, if you would, read it, comment, and tell me how it's going!

after reading the first two pages, I had numerous impressions of the writing. First off, it has an interesting plot. A good thing to build a good story around. However, I could not help thinking how redundant the word choice was. At the beginning of chapter one, you used Sam's name once, and then "he" for half a page. Try to use a variety of ways to show that you are writing about someone. And work on the word choice.
After reading further, I saw that you weren't being descriptive enough.
Also, don't address the reader (you did that at the beginning of chapter 18, but I am not sure of any other places. Look it over).
With a LOT of editing, this story could be produced, and I see that you have been working hard (its pretty long so far). Keep up the good work. And try to change the prologue. It is too casual.

I found it unreadable and offensive.

I remember this. Does it still have the stuff about kids killing each other?

Unfortunately the background story was totally unbelievable, contrived, I should say. And like Double Helix kind of said, the text wasn't terribly fluent either. And your intense interest in violence doesn't really make it any better.

But you had put serious effort in it, and that's commendable in itself. With a more convincing background story and edited text it would have a lot more promise.

Erm your writing style could be a little better.

By the way, it'd be a much better story if you drew a parallel to the beginning of the 20th century and the aftermath of WWI and the time before WWII .. because there are quite a few parallels between what wilson did and what bush is doing, and how things are playing out as well.

Not to overmilk the horse (ahaha horse milk), but people who don't pay attention to history are [sic] doomed to repeat it.

ok, yeah, it needs a LOAD of editing. I admit that. But hey, I'm writing this in spare time. Sure, I could be more descriptive. But I CAN'T go back through and edit it right now. Maybe after I finish writing it, I'll send it in somewhere to have it edited, or edit it myself or something. But right now, I just need to write this thing. Ok, the "not descriptive, but shows the image" crap in the Intermission was more about me trying to make my crappy writing look better, seeing as how most of the crappy stuff was written about 6 to 3 months ago, and Chapter 17 and 18 are about 3 days old. It also shows, too. I'm extremely proud of Chapter 17, but maybe that's just me being proud because I think it's cool. I am aslo VERY sorry if any of this offended you, and if you were immediately turned off by the John Kerry bashing (somewhat). I forgot to mention that, and I'm very sorry. And Pommy, my dear, dear Pommy. I can't really change the setting and time period. I've got nearly the whole first half of the story laid out, and it's just too good to change. The story, however impossible it may be, was somethign I developed in about 5 minutes. And, if the first half or so of all those chapters need more description, it's because I was trying to keep it down to one page chapters, like the Zloc story mentioned in the intermission. But, other than that, I appreciate your comments, and they will definitely help me for future settings.

not exactly tom clancy but i enjoyed it. i liked the dying part in the end:o was desciptive.

THE MIDDLE EAST HAS BEEN OVERTHROWN!

LET'S FIGHT TO GET IT BACK, DURKA DURKA MOHAMMED JIHAD!


Seriously, how old are you? No offense, but this reminds me of a James Bond fan fiction novel I wrote in 6th grade.

Sorry, I didn't read much to be honest.

It seems to make war look pretty damn glorious. I think you should read Slaughter House Five by Kurt Vonnegut.

He's 12. And in 6th grade.

Well, in that case...

I think you'll look back on this book and laugh at it, or I hope you will. In those years in the future, do try to spell numbers out. (ex. instead of "we shot 2 men", do: "we shot two men.) That's how most writer's roll, unless they have a thematic reason to use numbers.

And don't refer to the Middle East as if it was all one country. :p And you should still read Slaughter House Five, it's amazing.

PROSE BEFORE HOES!

Alright, JL. Good ideas..and I realize now I should be writing out those numbers instead of hitting "2" or "7". I'm trying to make it better now by TRYING to get out of the crappy writing rut, but this is my first big story. Things change when you go from ten one page chapters, to more than 10 chapters and it's only the beginning.

And those of you who don't like the story because it's unrealistic. Too bad. I'm trying to stay RELATIVELY realistic, but I decided I couldn't pass up this plotline, regardless of how real it was. I figured it was good, and jumped at my idea before I forgot it. So, unrealistic as it may be, it's stuck in place and it's staying.

Last, JL, I have to say again. Most of this sucks. You can quote me on that. I admit it. But I'll try and keep the rest of it around the goodness of Chapters 17 and 18, which are the best yet. Once again, thank you all for your comments, and I'll post again when I've got a few more chapters (what else am I gonna do today? home sick from school and all)

My problem with the story is you use to many personal refrences that only you or a certain audiance know about. The leader of the mercs is described as a character similar to a character in resident evil.... what about people that have not played resident evil? they don't have an acurate picture of someone to base this character off.

same with the whole knowing each other by playing JK, others outside masassi might not know what exactly Jedi Knight is, be a little more discriptive with the people and things they did, we have only our imagination to build off, and if we image the leader of the reds with big bulky musles and he turns out to be more of a little runt from descriptions later on it can throw someone off.

when you introduce a character, paint a good picture of them in our heads for us so we can relate to them more, just my opinion.

good luck with finishing the story.

I told him the same thing, -- Zloc, don't make references to existing media, unless it is extremely well known.

Monoxide, you never said that. And now that I think about it, you're right Grant. If a person in say, 3 years reads this (unlikely, but hey!) they could be like "WTF is a Resident Evil!?" I'd never thought of that, and that's a good point. Thanks!

If you want to develop a compelling and interesting writing style, the only thing to do is to read a lot. A LOT a lot. :p I don't know how much you read in your spare time, but that's pretty crucial.

Cazorian Blauckshotzovichianerz

Roflmao.

Are those skis? Yup. They yours? Yup. Both of them?

I started writing a novel about World War 3 when I was eleven. I was going to call it Nuclear Hell. My idea of exposition was describing the colour of my protagonist's hair and the kind of sweater he wears. I made use of a thesaurus. I wrote about half a page. I was really proud of it but a teenage sibling criticized it and I stopped writing for many years. Reading it now I know that it sucks. The moral of this story is stick to what you love doing (also don't be afraid to try new things that you are interested in exploring), and if you suddenly decide to do something else, then do it. Anyways, I like that you have been dedicated enough to this thing to write a lot. I think it's good practice.

Umm I never said to change the time nor setting?

<3

I read the first 2 chapters, and browsed the rest, and I have to say... this isn't good fiction. In fact, this is very bad fiction. BUT, that's actually just fine. I'm 18, and I still haven't written anything really good, but that hasn't stopped me from trying. Telling a story isn't too hard, you can do that now. The tough part (the part I haven't gotten down yet) is how to tell it really well. When you can do that... well, people might pay money to read it.

If you want to write well, you must do the following... one, you must obtain and read 'Zen in The Art of Writing', by Ray Bradbury. Then you must keep reading. Read a lot. Never stop reading. Then you write. Write whatever you enjoy, and keep writing as long as you want. While you write, you read. It's sort of a cycle.

Somthing else... writing should always be fun. If it isn't fun, then you're trying too much. Stop trying and just write, and it always gets easier. Yes, I learned this the hard way.

*gets down from soap box*